Starring: Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, Kevin Bacon, Analeigh Tipton, Jonah Bobo, Joey King, Beth Littleford, John Carroll Lynch
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Story:
Comedy drama directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa. The story follows Cal Weaver (Steve Carell), middle-aged husband whose seemingly perfect life unravels when he learns that his wife, Emily (Julianne Moore), has been unfaithful and wants a divorce. Over 40 and suddenly single, Cal is adrift in the fickle world of dating. Enter, Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling), a self-styled player who takes Cal under his wing and teaches him how to be a hit with the ladies.
Our Favorite Quote:
'You see, the problem is, your head is like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.' - Jacob Palmer (Crazy Stupid Love) Click To Tweet 'You play to your strengths, pal. That's all any of us can do.' - Jacob Palmer (Crazy Stupid Love) Click To Tweet
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 110)
[first lines; Cal and Emily are at a restaurant looking at the menu]
Cal Weaver: Oh! So full. You were right, I shouldn’t have eaten all that bread. want to split a desert?
[Emily doesn’t reply and Cal looks at her]
Cal Weaver: You okay? You seem a little off.
Emily Weaver: Yeah, I’m just trying to think about what I want.
Cal Weaver: Yeah, me too. Why don’t we just say it at the same time? One, two, three…
[at the same time]
Emily Weaver: I want to a divorce!
Cal Weaver: Creme brulee…
[Cal looks up at her in shock]
[as they’re driving home from the restaurant]
Emily Weaver: Aren’t you going to say anything? Almost twenty five years of marriage and you have nothing to say?
[Cal doesn’t say anything but just stares ahead]
[continuation of their drive home]
Emily Weaver: Okay, you’re not talking and you know that only makes me talk more. You know, but I mean, maybe that’s good! You know? Cause maybe I’ll just say it, maybe, maybe I’ll just tell you I slept with someone!
[Emily looks at Cal who has still makes no response and is still gazing ahead]
Emily Weaver: David Lindhagen, from work. You met him at the Christmas party, the one with the…
Cal Weaver: Please stop.
Emily Weaver: You’re the last person in the world that I’d want to hurt, Cal.
Cal Weaver: If you keep talking I’m going to get out of the car.
Emily Weaver: But I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broke we are
Cal Weaver: Okay
Emily Weaver: How much, how much we really need…
[Cal calmly throws himself out of the moving vehicle so he doesn’t have to listen]
Emily Weaver: Hey! Oh, my God! Cal!
[Emily stops the car and runs towards Cal]
Emily Weaver: Are you okay?
Cal Weaver: I’ll leave tonight. I’ll sign whatever you want, just please stop talking about it.
Emily Weaver: Okay.
[after Jessica has accidently walked into Robbie’s bedroom and caught him jerking off]
Robbie Weaver: I’m sorry you had to see that.
Jessica: No, you know, I should have knocked.
Robbie Weaver: Just for the record, I think about you while I do it.
Jessica: Robbie!
Robbie Weaver: I have this picture of you and I look at it the whole time.
Jessica: Stop it!
Robbie Weaver: I love you, Jessica.
Jessica: I am actually begging you to stop it!
Robbie Weaver: And I know you’re seventeen and I know I just turned thirteen, which is the same age your little brother, but soon our age difference won’t even matter. Which is good, because I’m pretty sure you’re my soul mate.
[as Cal and Emily return home from the restaurant]
Jessica: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver, how was…?
[she notices Cal looking very disheveled]
Jessica: Oh, my God! Woh! What happened?
Cal Weaver: Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce and I jumped out of the car.
Emily Weaver: Cal!
Cal Weaver: Well,
Emily Weaver: Honey. Cal…
Cal Weaver: It’s good. Everybody good?
Robbie Weaver: Dad?
Cal Weaver: Oh! Hey, buddy. I didn’t see you standing there.
Robbie Weaver: You’re getting a divorce?
Cal Weaver: Well, yes.
Robbie Weaver: You jumped out of a moving car?
Cal Weaver: I did. I jumped out of a moving car. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Robbie Weaver: I’m sorry you jumped out of car.
[drinking at a bar]
Hannah: I don’t care. I love him. I really do. And given the opportunity, yes, I would have his babies.
Liz: Seriously? Conan O’Brien? You would do Conan O’Brien?
Hannah: Oh, my God! Yes!
Liz: Ew! Friend to friend, ew!
Liz: I don’t know, your life is so PG thirteen.
Hannah: My life is not PG thirteen.
Liz: Oh, it so is.
Hannah: No, it’s not!
Liz: Yes, it is. You’ve never left LA. You passed the bar for patent lawyer, probably get married to that human Valium, Richard. I just, listen, I worry about you, that’s all.
Liz: So much potential and you’re resorted to fantasizing about Conan Ginger Junco O’Brien.
Hannah: He is funny!
Liz: He looks like a carrot, honey.
Jacob Palmer: Who looks like a carrot?
[Hannah and Liz look up to find Jacob, he’s been eying Hannah up from afar]
Jacob Palmer: Hi. Who looks like a carrot?
Liz: Conan O’Brien. My friend, um, Hannah here thinks he’s sexy.
Jacob Palmer: That’s weird, because I think that your friend, Hannah, is really sexy.
Hannah: Oh, my God! You did not just say that! How old are you?
Jacob Palmer: What are you, a lawyer?
Hannah: Yeah. A little bit.
Jacob Palmer: Come on!
Hannah: I know.
Hannah: Don’t you think you’re a little old to be using cheesy pick-up lines?
Jacob Palmer: Objection. Leading the witness. Wow, Hannah. You really wearing that dress to be doing it a favor.
Hannah: Oh, God!
Jacob Palmer: That’s a line. I’ve been sitting over there for the past two hours, not being able to take my eyes off of you, is a fact. I mean, there’s lots of beautiful women in this bar, your friend included. Hi.
[Liz is just staring at him]
Liz: I love you.
Jacob Palmer: But I can’t take my eyes off of you. That’s a fact, it’s not a line. I find you very attractive. Do you find me attractive?
Liz: She does.
Hannah: I don’t.
Jacob Palmer: You do. She does.
Liz: Yes, she does.
Hannah: I don’t!
Jacob Palmer: You do.
Liz: You do.
Hannah: I don’t!
Jacob Palmer: Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: You say no a lot, don’t you?
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy! Permission to approach the bench.
Hannah: Seriously?
Jacob Palmer: Just, come on. Let me, let me deliver my closing argument.
Hannah: Sure, proceed.
Jacob Palmer: Hannah, we live in a physical world, right?
Hannah: Uh-uh.
Jacob Palmer: And you’re going to age, right?
Hannah: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: I guarantee you this, you’re never going to regret going home with that guy form the bar that one time that was a total Tom Cat in the sack. But I can’t guarantee that you won’t not regret it.
Hannah: That was a double negative.
Jacob Palmer: You’re a double negative.
Jacob Palmer: Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
Hannah: Okay, it’s, you know what? It’s time to go home.
Jacob Palmer: Really?
Hannah: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: Wow, that’s forward of you. But okay.
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: I’ll do it.
[she rejects him leaving him surprised and fairly amused]
[as Cal is driving Jessica home]
Jessica: You’re the nicest dad that I babysit, of all the, um, you’re really nice.
Cal Weaver: That’s very nice.
Jessica: And, um, I like Mrs. Weaver, I like her a lot. Okay? But if she wants to divorce you, then I think she’s batshit crazy.
[Cal laughs]
Jessica: I’m sorry.
Cal Weaver: Okay. Okay.
Jessica: I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, I’ve developed like a little crush…
Cal Weaver: Would you do me a favor? Would you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know? It’s something we want to tell them on our own, okay?
Jessica: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: Thank you. I appreciate that.
[sitting at a bar drinking and turns to the two women standing at the bar]
Cal Weaver: Hey, guess what?
Girl at Bar: What?
Cal Weaver: My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me.
Girl at Bar: I’m sorry to hear that.
Cal Weaver: Oh, thank you. That is very nice of you to say. Very very nice. She just told me, I just found out. So I’m a little raw. It’s, it’s…
[he looks up and sees the woman at the bar isn’t listening to him but talking to the friend]
Cal Weaver: Okay. Well, you’re not listening. Ooookay! You wouldn’t ignore me if I were David Lindhagen. My wife doesn’t ignore David Lindhagen, she screws him. She screws him.
Cal Weaver: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
Cal’s Boss: You’re getting a divorce?
Cal Weaver: Yeah.
Cal’s Boss: Amy, heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer.
Cal Weaver: Oh!
Cal’s Boss: [laughing] Thank God, man!
Cal Weaver: Yeah! Just my relationship
[Cal’s boss laughs harder and Cal laughs with him]
Cal’s Boss: Thank God! Divorce!
Cal Weaver: I’m so lucky.
Cal’s Boss: You are.
Cal Weaver: I have to go pick up out furniture now.
Cal’s Boss: Okay! Okay! You go for it!
[as Cal is walking away]
Cal’s Boss: It could have been cancer, buddy!
[he turns and announces to everyone in the office]
Cal’s Boss: Hey everyone, it’s just a divorce!
[everyone in the office claps their hands as Cal is walking out of the office]
Cal Weaver: Thanks! Feels good.
[as Cal is about to leave with the furniture he’s taking with him]
Emily Weaver: I think I’m having a midlife crisis, maybe. Can women have midlife crisis? In the movies it’s always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsche’s, but you know I’m not a man…
[Cal ignores her and walks ahead looking at the garden]
Cal Weaver: Fertilize, you got to be sure to fertilize all this.
Emily Weaver: We got married so young, Cal. You know, I’m forty four. I’m so much older than I thought I’d be.
Cal Weaver: There’s a turn off valve for the sprinkler, it’s over there.
Emily Weaver: You know, last week, you know when I told you that I had to work late. I really went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. I don’t know why I did that, and it was so bad, Cal.
Cal Weaver: If it keeps raining like this, you might want to turn off the automatic setting.
Emily Weaver: We haven’t been us, not for a long time. And I don’t know when you and I stopped being us. I mean, do you?
Cal Weaver: Maybe it’s when you screwed David Lindhagen.
[he gets into the truck and drives off]
[after being dumped by his friend, Cal sits at the bar drinking and ranting]
Cal Weaver: You know a word that is not used very often anymore? Cuckold. I’m cuckolded. David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me. He slept with my wife and I didn’t know about it! And that is the definition of cuckoldom. David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her. Uuch! Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house. What do I get for it? I get cuckolded? David Lindhagen cuckolded me, he made a cuckold out of me.
[Jacob who’s sitting at a table with a woman has been listening to Cal rant whistles at him and motions for Cal to come over, introduces himself and asks Cal to join him]
Cal Weaver: Hey, Cal. Sit down, I’d like to buy you a drink.
Jacob Palmer: Okay.
[Cal sits down]
Cal Weaver: Guess what? My wife is having an affair with David Lindha…
Jacob Palmer: David Lindhagen. David Lindhagen, I know. How do I know that?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know.
Jacob Palmer: I’m a total stranger. How would I know something so intimate about your wife?
Cal Weaver: David Lindhagen screwing your wife too?
Jacob Palmer: No. Do you want to know why I know that, Cal?
Cal Weaver: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: Cause it’s all that I’ve heard, Cal, for the past two nights. It’s all anybody’s heard. You’re going around, and you’re like, you’re badgering people with this sad, sack, loser, sob story and I don’t understand why.
Cal Weaver: You know, I don’t need this crap.
[Cal gets up to leave]
Jacob Palmer: No, sit down.
Cal Weaver: Alright.
Jacob Palmer: Look, I know that sounds harsh. But it’s true, and you need to hear the truth. Okay?
[Cal takes a sip of his drink through the straw in his glass]
Cal Weaver: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. Just for this conversation. Do you know what that looks like? It looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schvantz, is that what you want?
Cal Weaver: What?
Jacob Palmer: Is that the message you want to sent to everybody?
Cal Weaver: No one’s thinking that.
Jacob Palmer: Really? So, permission to speak candidly, sir.
Cal Weaver: I think you’ve already gone there.
Jacob Palmer: You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you’re getting drunk on watered Vodka Cranberries like a fourteen year old girl and you’re wearing a forty four when you should be wearing a forty two regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or I should euthanize you.
Jacob Palmer: Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair, you seem like a nice guy. I want to help you. I’m going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea, like where you lost it?
Cal Weaver: Strong case could be made for nineteen eighty four.
Jacob Palmer: Well, we’re going to find it. We are. I promise you. And I promise you this too, Cal. When we’re done, this wife of yours, she’s going to rue the day she ever decided to give up on you. That’s my offer. You in or you out?
Cal Weaver: Why are you doing this?
Jacob Palmer: Maybe you remind me of someone. You in or are you out?
Cal Weaver: I’m in.
Robbie Weaver: Can I tell you something? Love sucks!
[Cal laughs]
Cal Weaver: Yeah. You in love, buddy?
Robbie Weaver: Well, if you must know…
Jessica: Ding Dong!
[Jessica appears at the open door]
Cal Weaver: Oh, hey! Jess, thanks for coming by.
Jessica: Hey! Yeah.
Robbie Weaver: What is she doing here?
[referring to his apartment]
Cal Weaver: You’re mom wants you to stay here while she’s out hooking.
Robbie Weaver: What?
Cal Weaver: What?
[as Cal is about to leave Robbie and Molly in Jessica’s care whilst he goes out]
Robbie Weaver: Wait, we don’t need a babysitter! She’s only four years older than me. You need to know that! She needs to know that!
Cal Weaver: I know! I know! I know! I know! Man, are you growing up.
[turning to Jessica]
Cal Weaver: Look at him. He’s unbelievable, he’s in love already.
Jessica: Oh.
[Robbie puts sighs and put his head down in embarrassment]
[to Liz at Hannah’s goodbye lunch party]
Richard: Listen, when my girl here passes. I’m going to have another little celebration right here and I hope you can make it because it’s going to be a special night.
Liz: Okay.
[Richard kisses Hannah and sits back in his seat, Hannah turns to Liz]
Hannah: Did you hear that?
Liz: Hear what?
Hannah: You heard that?
Liz: What?
Hannah: Special night.
Liz: Yeah. Yeah.
Hannah: You think he’s going to propose?
Liz: At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not! Why? Do you want him to?
Hannah: Well, he’s nice.
Liz: He’s ni…! Hannah?
Hannah: He’s a sweetheart. Look at him?
[referring to Richard]
Liz: Hannah, look at you. Look at you! If you end up with that, what am I going to end up with?
Hannah: Shut up!
Liz: It’s just depressing!
Hannah: Oh, come on!
Liz: Alright, you know what? I have to, I have to not big sister you. It’s fine. It’s…
[she takes another long look at Richard]
Liz: Jesus, really? No! No! Not my life. Not my life. I’m going.
[meeting Jacob at the mall]
Jacob Palmer: Let me ask you a question, Cal. How much money have you got today for clothes?
Cal Weaver: Um…
Jacob Palmer: What happened to your feet?
Cal Weaver: What do you mean?
[looks down at his feet]
Cal Weaver: These are my four-o-sevens.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, the four-o-sevens. Can I see them?
Cal Weaver: Yep.
[Cal takes off his sneakers]
Cal Weaver: These offer a lot of support.
Jacob Palmer: Right.
[Cal hands his sneakers to Jacob and he throws them down the mall]
Cal Weaver: Woh!
Jacob Palmer: What are you, in a fraternity?
Cal Weaver: Are you insane?
Jacob Palmer: Are you in a fraternity?
Cal Weaver: You could have hit somebody! What was that?
Jacob Palmer: Are you? I’m asking you a question. Are you in a fraternity?
Cal Weaver: No!
Jacob Palmer: Are you Steve Jobs?
Cal Weaver: What?
Jacob Palmer: Hold on a second! Are you the billionaire owner of Apple computers?
Cal Weaver: No!
Jacob Palmer: Oh, okay. Well, in that case you got no right to wear new balance sneakers, ever!
[he slaps Cal in the face]
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
[looking at Cal as he’s trying on new clothes]
Jacob Palmer: You see, the problem is, your head is like, like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.
[to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
[Cal looks into a mirror]
Cal Weaver: It does.
[as Jacob is looking at some jeans for Cal]
Cal Weaver: I think I’m set for jeans.
Jacob Palmer: No, you’re not set for jeans, Cal.
[referring to the jeans he’s wearing]
Cal Weaver: These are fine.
Jacob Palmer: You have a mom butt. Is that what you want?
Cal Weaver: Why don’t we just go to The Gap? You know what? They have a s…
[Cal looks up to see Jacob’s left the shop]
Cal Weaver: Okay.
[Cal runs after Jacob]
Cal Weaver: What are you doing?
[Jacob takes hold of Cal’s face]
Jacob Palmer: Cal, you’re better than The Gap. You’re better than The Gap. Say it?
Cal Weaver: I’m better than The Gap.
[Jacob slaps Cal in the face]
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Cal Weaver: God! Stop slapping me. Really.
Cal Weaver: I feel kind of stupid, but…
[Cal comes of the changing room with his new suite and haircut]
Tiffany: Wow! Look at you!
Cal Weaver: I feel like I’m going skiing.
[to Tiffany as they look at Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Would you sleep with him?
Cal Weaver: Jesus! God!
Tiffany: Yeah, probably.
Cal Weaver: Wha…? You would?
[Cal laughs]
Cal Weaver: What? What are you even saying?
Jacob Palmer: You see what just happened, Cal? Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to sleep with you or not.
Cal Weaver: That’s probably the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Jacob Palmer: No. This is.
[he walks up to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband and probably as a lover.
Cal Weaver: You’re right, that’s meaner.
Jacob Palmer: So, let’s talk about how many women you’ve been with.
Cal Weaver: Sexually?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah. No, I mean break dance fighting!
Cal Weaver: One.
Jacob Palmer: No, not at one time. How many in total?
[Cal give Jacob a look]
Jacob Palmer: Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
Cal Weaver: We’d been to high school, okay?
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy! You’re kidding me? One woman? That’s great.
Cal Weaver: Emily is beautiful.
Jacob Palmer: I guess.
Cal Weaver: She was gorgeous. She was one of those women that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy!
Cal Weaver: There was a little blip in the senior year, but
Jacob Palmer: I’ve literally stopped listening to Emily.
Jacob Palmer: I think we should start approaching women tonight. Are you ready to go?
Cal Weaver: I miss my wife.
Jacob Palmer: I’m Jacob. What’s your name?
Amy Johnson: Amy Johnson.
Jacob Palmer: Amy Johnson, I’m Jacob Palmer, how are you doing?
[he gives her a high five]
Amy Johnson: Uh, great!
Jacob Palmer: Good.
Cal Weaver: I’m Cal.
[Cal puts up his to also give her high five]
Jacob Palmer: No. Not yet!
[turning to Amy]
Jacob Palmer: Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink?
Amy Johnson: Uh-uh.
[to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Would you keep her company for a minute?
Cal Weaver: Of course.
Jacob Palmer: Okay.
Cal Weaver: I’d be happy to.
[to Amy]
Jacob Palmer: If he gets handsy, let me know.
[to Amy as Cal walks away]
Cal Weaver: I wouldn’t touch you, if my life depended on it!
[whilst waiting for Jacob to return from buying Amy a drink]
Amy Johnson: Uh, what’s your name?
Cal Weaver: Cal Weaver.
Amy Johnson: Cal Weaver…
Cal Weaver: No relation to Dennis Weaver.
Amy Johnson: Uuhh..
Cal Weaver: McCloud.
Amy Johnson: Uuhh…
Cal Weaver: McCloud was a show in the seventies that…
[Jacob walks over to them from the bar]
Cal Weaver: You’re not talking about McCloud again, are you?
David Lindhagen: Do you have a second?
Emily Weaver: Oh! Hi, David. No, cause I’m swamped. Okay?
David Lindhagen: You’ve been avoiding me.
Emily Weaver: No! I haven’t.
David Lindhagen: You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday. You’re very fast by the way.
Emily Weaver: I ran track in high school.
David Lindhagen: That must be it.
David Lindhagen: I like you, Emily. Do you have any idea how much I like you?
Emily Weaver: Hey, David you know, I really have a lot to do.
David Lindhagen: I had no intention of falling for a married woman, but I’m somewhere having lunch and I’m, I’m this accountant who’s waking up every morning excited to go to work. And that just does not happen for accountants, ever. I’ve checked with other accountants.
Emily Weaver: David, you know what? You’ve been a great friend, and you noticed last month when I got my hair trimmed and that was huge. But look trust me, you know, I am saving you from disaster, because you’re asking to pre-board the Titanic. Do you really want any part of this?
[Jessica receives a text from Robbie who’s texting her whilst in class]
Robbie Weaver: [text message] Hi, Jessica. FYI, Demi Moore is fifteen years older than Ashton K. They really seem happy. Love, Robbie.
[Jessica sends text reply to Robbie]
Jessica: [text message] Robbie, please stop. You are making me very uncomfortable.
[in class Robbie’s teacher is discussing the Scarlet Letter when she notices he’s texting]
Miss Tafferty: Mr. Weaver? Mr. Weaver, are we interrupting?
Robbie Weaver: You want to talk about the Scarlet Letter, Miss Tafferty? Alright.
[he stands up]
Robbie Weaver: Well, that ‘A’ they’re both wearing, I think it stands for ‘Asshole’. want to know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I’m sorry about all the assholes.
[talking about Cal]
Robbie Weaver: I mean he’s sad. I can tell that he’s sad, even though he looks better, but still can tell that he’s not happy. You know?
Emily Weaver: Yeah. Well, you know, yeah. I guess I’m pretty sad too.
Robbie Weaver: I know. I heard you crying in your bedroom the other night. I didn’t know what to do.
Emily Weaver: Oh, Robbie! Baby, you’re thirteen, you’re not supposed to know what to do.
Robbie Weaver: I tried Googling it.
Emily Weaver: You did not?
Robbie Weaver: Yep, I did.
Emily Weaver: What did you Google?
Robbie Weaver: I searched ‘mom crying in bed’.
Emily Weaver: Wha…what did Google say?
Robbie Weaver: Just, uh, bunch of weird videos of mom’s in bed…
Emily Weaver: Oh, God! Okay! Alright! That’s enough! No more! Uuch! Did those parental controls work at all?
Robbie Weaver: They work for me.
Emily Weaver: [laughing] Because you’re a disgusting teenager, that’s why!
David Lindhagen: So Robbie, I hear you’re quite the soccer player.
Robbie Weaver: So David, I hear you broke up my parents marriage. You are David Lindhaygen, right?
David Lindhagen: Lindhagen.
Robbie Weaver: Yeah. Here’s the thing, Lindhaygen.
David Lindhagen: Hagen.
Robbie Weaver: Whatever. In the end, she winds up back with my dad. He’s the better guy that you are, in every category, and she still love him. He’s not going to give up on my mom, just like I’m not going to stop Jessica text messages that make her feel uncomfortable.
[Cal and Robbie are exercising at the gym]
Jacob Palmer: Look, let’s face it, Cal. Alright. The war between the sexes is over. We won, okay? We won the second when women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
[next shot is of Cal sitting in the men’s changing room with Jacob standing next to him totally naked]
Jacob Palmer: But even though we won, they still deserve our respect. You know, make them feel beautiful, actually listen to their problems, open the door for them…
Cal Weaver: God! Would you put on some clothes, please!
Jacob Palmer: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this bothering you?
Cal Weaver: No! It’s not!
Jacob Palmer: Cal, my schvantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it’s not bothering you we got a bigger problem.
Cal Weaver: Okay, it bothers me.
Jacob Palmer: I don’t care.
[in the sauna, Cal is sitting whilst Jacob is standing next to him totally naked]
Jacob Palmer: You got to take control of your manhood, pal. You know? You want something, you take it. You don’t like something, you say it. I take what I want. David Lindhagen, he certainly took what he wanted, didn’t he? And I can guarantee you this, he is opening the car door for your wife right now.
[Cal starts to sway from the heat of the sauna]
Jacob Palmer: What, are you passing out?
[Cal sways and passes out, hitting his head on Jacob’s crotch]
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy!
[sitting at a bar drinking]
Jacob Palmer: I think you’re ready, pal.
Cal Weaver: For what?
Jacob Palmer: To talk to a pretty lady and take her home and show her your gift.
Cal Weaver: Nope. No, I’m not.
Jacob Palmer: You’re as ready as you’re ever going to be. You play to your strengths, pal. That’s all any of us can do. I’m mysterious, I’m, you know, good in bed and you’re, you are a, uh, you know, stable employed adult.
Jacob Palmer: Jesus!
Jacob Palmer: You see this, this lady over here at nine o’clock?
[Cal looks over his shoulder at the blond woman sitting where Jacob is referring to]
Cal Weaver: You want me to hit on her?
Jacob Palmer: No, I want to hit on her. The one behind her.
[Cal looks over at woman sat behind the blond woman]
Jacob Palmer: She’s a total fox, right?
Cal Weaver: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: You think she came to a crowded bar to have a quite drink alone? She’s hunting. She’s just looking for an opportunity to settle for a responsible and stable adult, and I’d like her to settle for you.
Cal Weaver: Oh, well, thank you for the ego boost. But you know what? Just because I’ve watched you pick up women doesn’t mean that I know how to pick up women.
Jacob Palmer: You ever see Karate Kid?
Cal Weaver: What does that have to do with anything?
Jacob Palmer: You know, when he’s teaching him to wax and off, but he’s really teaching him to fight?
Cal Weaver: You want me to fight someone?
Jacob Palmer: What’s the first thing I do when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink.
Cal Weaver: Yes, always, without fail. You buy her a drink, even if she doesn’t want one, you insist.
Jacob Palmer: And do I talk about myself?
Cal Weaver: Never. Never talk about yourself, always about her.
Jacob Palmer: Because bar banter…
Cal Weaver: …is boring.
Jacob Palmer: It’s the worst.
Cal Weaver: So you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one. Impress me, impress me with how interesting you are. It’s a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy little game you play.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, that’s judgmental, isn’t it?
Cal Weaver: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: At the end of the night what do I do? Do I ask them to come home with me?
Cal Weaver: No, you tell them to come home with you. They have no choice in the matter, it’s your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to you.
[he suddenly realizes that Jacob has taught him a lot about picking up women]
Cal Weaver: Oh, my God! You did Miyagi me!
Jacob Palmer: Take your ring off. Let’s go.
[as they walk over the woman that Jacob wants Cal to pick up]
Jacob Palmer: Just no talking about your kids, your job, David Lindhagen. Don’t you dare!
Cal Weaver: Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!
[after Jacob and Cal have introduced themselves to Kate and Jacob leaves them]
Cal Weaver: So, can I buy you a drink, Kate?
Kate: Oh, no thank you.
Cal Weaver: I’m going to buy you a drink anyway.
[he motions for the waitress to come over and turns back to Kate]
Cal Weaver: Grey Goose, right? Rocks, two limes?
Kate: I’m five year sober
[the waitress comes over]
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Cal Weaver: Nothing! Nothing! Go away, we’re good. Please, don’t come back ever.
Kate: So what do you do, Cal?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know. What do you do, Kate?
Kate: I asked you first.
Cal Weaver: I asked you second.
[Kate laughs]
Kate: Seriously, what do you do?
Cal Weaver: Seriously, what do you do?
Kate: You really not going to tell me what you do?
Cal Weaver: Ahh!
Kate: Uh, okay. I’m a teacher.
Cal Weaver: Boring! Come on! You got to keep it interesting. Interest me.
Kate: Uh, I studied at Oxford University for five year…
Cal Weaver: Boring! Wow! Teacher with an alcoholic dependency who studied at Oxford. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Bluuh! England. Yuk!
Kate: You know, I think my friends just got here.
[annoyed she gets up to leave]
Cal Weaver: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[as Kate is about to leave the bar]
Cal Weaver: Okay, you know what? I’m in Corporate Insurance. I have children, plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn’t supposed to tell you about either. But I did, nice to meet you.
Kate: What were you supposed to tell me?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know! I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute. Which is actually something that I used to say to my wife, but now it’s become corrupted and I have eighteen layers of clothes on. I’m wearing a shirt and a tie and a sweater and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I’m just, it’s all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I’m, this sweater, this is called slim cut, but it feels like a scuba suite and I’m looking at your breasts. What’s that about?
Kate: You think I’m the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
Cal Weaver: That’s what you picked up from what I just said?
Kate: Mmmm.
[as Kate and Cal are making out when they walk the front door of Cal’s apartment]
Cal Weaver: So this is my crappy apartment. It’s comfy. It’s what I had to move into after my wife left.
[Kate kisses Cal]
Kate: You’re being so honest.
Cal Weaver: You like that?
Kate: It’s so different! It’s so hot!
[as they are making out]
Cal Weaver: You want to hear something else? Really?
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Cal Weaver: I’ve only had sex with one woman in my entire life.
Kate: Honest or not honest?
Cal Weaver: That’s honest.
[Kate screams and grabs hold of Cal again]
Kate: Tell me more.
Cal Weaver: I’m a little worried you have aids.
[suddenly Kate stops kissing him and tries to pull away]
Cal Weaver: Just a little, just a little bit. It’s okay, I’m not worried.
[Kate starts kissing him again]
Kate: What do you want to do with me?
Cal Weaver: Aah! I want to show you off to my ex-wife, make her really jealous.
[suddenly Kate screams and jumps onto Cal]
[drinking at their usual bar with Cal looking more confident after taking many women home following Jacob’s teachings]
Cal Weaver: I have never experienced that before in my life.
Jacob Palmer: But great.
Cal Weaver: Most women are like that these days?
Jacob Palmer: God bless technology.
Cal Weaver: God bless it!
Jacob Palmer: Dude, I went home with this girl the other night, she was like cackling me the whole time we were, I felt like was, you know, doing it with the tool guides from the Muppet Show.
[Liz calls Hannah as she spots Jacob in the bar]
Liz: Hey, hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here.
Hannah: Liz, I’m studying.
Liz: You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom, is what you should studying.
[on the phone with Liz trying to persuade Hannah to sleep with Jacob]
Liz: Come on, take a break! It will be good for you to get out. And by get out, I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see God.
Hannah: What is wrong with you?
Liz: You should be studying the gentle curve of his cock.
Hannah: Okay! Goodbye, Liz.
[she hangs on Liz]
Liz: Is that too much? Hello?
Claire Riley: I just thought you’d want to know what I heard about your pal, Cal.
Jessica: What about Mr. Weaver, mom?
Claire Riley: Um, just apparently, Mr. Weaver has become a real ladies man.
Jessica: What?
Bernie Riley: Claire! Stop.
Claire Riley: She should know, she babysits for him. She’s almost an adult.
[to Jessica]
Claire Riley: Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
Bernie Riley: Claire, she’s too young for this. I don’t like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S.
Claire Riley: Sweetheart, first of all they can spell. Second of all, I’m just saying I thing we were right in choosing Emily.
[at school Jessica follows the resident bad girl to ask her some advice]
Madison: Are you following me?
Jessica: Madison, uh, I just had a question for you.
Madison: Okay, Jessica. What’s up?
Jessica: It’s kind of on the personal side.
Madison: Yep, my lips are…
[she makes a noise like a seal and Jessica looks at her not understanding]
Madison: Seals! My lips are seals.
Jessica: So my question, and I don’t mean to be blunt or insulting, but let’s just call it what it is. You’re always sleeping with older guys, right?
Madison: Always.
Jessica: Oh, um, so my question for you, Madison, is, um, how do you do that? I mean like, how do you get them to see you as just not a kid in high school, you know, but like as someone who’s mature and old?
Madison: First off, I have a huge rack.
Jessica: Uh, yes, you do.
Madison: You don’t have a huge rack.
Jessica: No.
Madison: Wait, how old is he?
Jessica: Old.
Madison: Like really old?
Jessica: Like married old.
Madison: Nasty, Jessica!
Jessica: Exactly, that’s what I was thinking, right?
Madison: Rock on!
Jessica: Thank you.
Madison: You are so dirty!
Jessica: Yes, I know.
[giving Jessica advice on how to look older so as to attract older men]
Madison: You got to force his hand. You know what I mean? Go teensy on his ass.
Jessica: Not following.
Madison: A dirty picture.
Jessica: Oh! Oh!
Madison: Make this face.
[she does a provocative looking face]
Jessica: Jeez, Madison! Stop!
Madison: What? You put that on his radar and he won’t see you as a little girl anymore, that’s for sure.
[at school lunch Jessica and all the other kids see a giant scaffold covered by red drapes, suddenly the drapes drop to reveal Robbie]
Robbie Weaver: Behold! Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate. The love of my life. I have marked myself with a scarlet J.
[he opens his shirt to reveal a large scarlet letter J written on his chest]
Robbie Weaver: For you, Jessica!
[all the kids start laughing and Jessica gets angry and embarrassed]
Jessica: Robbie, get down from there!
Jessica: This has got to stop, Robbie!
Robbie Weaver: You’ll learn to love me, I promise!
Jessica: No, I won’t.
Robbie Weaver: Just cause I’m four years younger than you?
Jessica: Because I love somebody else!
Robbie Weaver: Who is he?
Jessica: He’s older. And I didn’t want my parents find out.
Robbie Weaver: You know I’ll kill him if he hurts you.
Jessica: Yeah, I know. Okay, Robbie, this has to stop. Okay? No more. Grow up. I’ll see you around.
Cal Weaver: What’s with all the moping?
Robbie Weaver: Uh, nothing. It’s just, there’s a girl.
Cal Weaver: A girl, huh? You like her?
Robbie Weaver: I like Pringles. I mean, this girl, she is incredible. She’s my soul mate, you know? She doesn’t even care.
Cal Weaver: But she’s your soul mate, right?
Robbie Weaver: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: So, you just don’t give up on her, right?
Robbie Weaver: Why not? You did.
Cal Weaver: I didn’t give up. Okay? It’s more complicated than that. It, I’m a different guy now.
Robbie Weaver: You’re not a different guy, you just have different clothes.
Cal Weaver: It’s not that simple, kiddo.
Robbie Weaver: What kind of crap is that?
Cal Weaver: Watch it!
Robbie Weaver: Either you love her or you don’t, and I know you do. I’m serious, dad. I just need some inspiration right now. Right? Go get her back.
Cal Weaver: Wow! How old are you?
[at the parent teacher conference, Emily sees Cal for the first since his new found confidence]
Emily Weaver: Wow! You look great, Cal.
Cal Weaver: Oh. Well, it turns out I’ve been buying the wrong sized suite for like twenty years.
Emily Weaver: Oh, well. Whatever, you, um, you look great.
Cal Weaver: Thanks. You always look great.
Emily Weaver: Oh, thanks.
Cal Weaver: What teacher is this?
Emily Weaver: Miss Tafferty. She’s the one he pulled the ‘Scarlet Letter asshole’ routine on.
Cal Weaver: Mm-hmm. God, such a weird kid.
Emily Weaver: I kind of like him though.
Cal Weaver: Hmm. Yeah, me too. I’m glad we switched babies at the hospital.
Emily Weaver: Me too. That other one’s in jail probably.
Cal Weaver: I miss you, Em. I made an effort when we were younger, didn’t I? I mean, miniature golf and dancing. You were such a great dancer.
Emily Weaver: I had to be, you were such a good miniature golfer.
Cal Weaver: I just, I don’t know, I guess I got lazy. I got boring, is what I got.
Emily Weaver: No. No.
Cal Weaver: And I’m so mad at you. I’m really mad at you for what you did. But I’m mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of the car, I should have fought for you. Cause you fight for your soul mates. At least that’s what my thirteen year old son tells me.
Emily Weaver: He’s a really strange kid.
Cal Weaver: He scares the shit out of me.
Emily Weaver: I miss you too.
[after it turns out that Miss Tafferty is in fact Kate, the first woman Cal picked up in the bar and never called back]
Kate: As you know, Robbie’s shining moment was when he set a school record for cursing in eighth grade English class.
[she laughs and writes the word asshole on the blackboard]
Kate: Asshole! You’re familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver?
Emily Weaver: Yes, I am. And I’ve spoken to the principal about..
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who tells a woman that he’ll call and never does!
[she looks straight at Cal whilst saying this]
Cal Weaver: Mmm.
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him, but he’s actually full of shit, like the rest of them!
[whispering to Cal]
Emily Weaver: Oh, this is not about Robbie.
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for forty five minutes, because he’s nervous!
Emily Weaver: Ew! Ew!
Cal Weaver: Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! You know what? You know what? No. Here’s the deal.
[he pulls in closer to Emily and whispers]
Cal Weaver: She’s an alcoholic.
[on hearing this Kate screams and Cal and Emily quickly leave the classroom]
[as they walk to the school parking lot]
Cal Weaver: I did. I slept with our son’s eight grade English teacher.
Emily Weaver: I know. I know. And I cheated! So I have no right to be angry.
Cal Weaver: That’s not the point. When we were first married, you were the only woman that I had ever slept with. And now I have had sex with nine different women. God!
Emily Weaver: Nine!
Cal Weaver: That…
Emily Weaver: Nine! Wow! You showed me!
Cal Weaver: I wasn’t trying to show you. I was trying to move on. But I don’t want to. You’ve always been the only one.
[suddenly we see all the parents along with Kate who’ve been listening to their argument]
Kate: Tell her she’s the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!
Emily Weaver: You said that to her?
Cal Weaver: I did, yes.
Emily Weaver: Who are you?
[Emily walks off and gets into her car]
Cal Weaver: I’m your soul mate.
[as Emily drives off it starts to rain]
Cal Weaver: What a cliché.
[celebrating Hannah passing her bar exam, Richard makes a toast]
Richard: Now Hannah, I, uh, I did tell you that tonight would be a special night, if you pass the bar. So Hannah, I would like to formally ask you, in front of all our friends and colleagues, if you would like to become a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkin, Goldberg and Schmidt? How about that? To you?
[everyone claps whilst Hannah looks disappointed thinking that he was going to propose to her]
Richard: What?
Hannah: I just, um…
Richard: Well, what is it?
Hannah: I thought that you were going to propose, for some reason.
Richard: What?
Hannah: Yeah, I know. I’m just, it, it’s just I’m a little thrown.
Richard: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you thought, that we were there.
Hannah: Oh, no! God, no! Don’t be silly. I just, I’m, um…
Richard: I need some time, I think, to figure out how I feel about us. You know? Long term.
Hannah: You need some time? You need some time to figure out how you feel about us?
[to Richard after flipping out at the fact that he has to think about their relationship]
Hannah: Wow! You know what? Thank you, Richard. Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer. I will consider it.
[she storms out of the restaurant]
[after storming out into the rain from her celebration party Hannah goes back to where she met Jacob, she finds him and kisses him passionately]
Hannah: Do you remember me?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: Still find me attractive?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Hannah: Still want to take me home?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
[she kisses him again]
Hannah: Let’s go.
[at Jacobs house after leaving the bar with him]
Hannah: So, is this how it normally works?
Jacob Palmer: What?
Hannah: You know, you like put on the perfect song and you make them a drink. And then you sleep together.
Jacob Palmer: Um, yeah.
Hannah: I’m very nervous.
Jacob Palmer: I’m getting that.
Hannah: Okay. Cause I know I seemed confident back at the bar, but that was, um, that was mostly just because I was cold and wet and trying to be dramatic, a little bit.
Jacob Palmer: You’re adorable.
Hannah: No! I am sexy. I am R rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG thirteen version of tonight. Alright, I know. It’s that I get, I get really drunk and I pass out and you cover me with a blanket and you kiss me on the cheek and nothing happens. But that’s not why I’m here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
Jacob Palmer: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob.
Jacob Palmer: Are people still saying bang?
Hannah: Oh, I do. We’re going to bang! Hmm? This is happening.
Hannah: Take off your shirt.
Jacob Palmer: Why?
Hannah: Please, can you take off your shirt? Cause I can’t stop thinking. I need you to just…
Jacob Palmer: Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!
Hannah: Alright!
[he takes off his shirt and just stands in front of her awkwardly]
Hannah: Fuck! Seriously? It’s like you’re photoshopped! Can I…
[she walks towards him and touches his stomach]
Jacob Palmer: You have cold hands. And I need you take off your dress.
Hannah: No!
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Hannah: No way! Not with all that going on. No, thank you! Is there a dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God!
Hannah: Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now, like logistically? What’s your move?
Jacob Palmer: What do you mean, what’s my move?
Hannah: What’s your move? What’s your big move?
Jacob Palmer: I got lots of moves.
Hannah: What’s your big move?
Jacob Palmer: I’m not telling you my big move.
Hannah: Telling me your move!
Jacob Palmer: You’re not ready for the big move.
Hannah: Yes, I am! I want your big move!
Jacob Palmer: You can’t handle the big move, trust me.
Hannah: Tell me your big move!
Jacob Palmer: I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Hannah: Dirty Dancing?
Jacob Palmer: Can I sit down, please?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah: No.
Hannah: Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob Palmer: You know the big move at the end of Dirty Dancing, where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: I can do that.
Hannah: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song, Time of your Life, I do the big move and they always want to have sex with me.
Hannah: [laughing] Oh, my God! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Jacob Palmer: I agree. But it works every time.
Hannah: That would not work on me!
[with the song Time of your Life playing, Jacob tries to re-enact the Dirty Dance scene with Hannah]
Hannah: Oh, God! This is ridiculous! I don’t want to do it.
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Hannah: This is beyond ridiculous.
Jacob Palmer: Come on and jump.
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: No, thank you.
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Hannah: Thank God I’m drunk. Here we go!
[she runs and jumps into Jacobs arms where he catches her like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing and then brings her down gently]
Hannah: So, do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?
Jacob Palmer: The bedroom is preferred.
Hannah: Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay. Let’s go there.
[as they are kissing on Jacob’s bed]
Hannah: This pillow forms perfectly to the shape of my head.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
[Jacob continues to kiss her but she pulls back again]
Hannah: Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone?
[Jacob gets frustrated with her and sighs]
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah? I always wondered who actually buys them! The hot guy from the bar buys them! Of course!
Jacob Palmer: Jacob.
Hannah: Mm-hmm. Jacob. Sorry for that.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: I’m sorry, continue.
[Jacob resumes kissing her]
[as Jacob resumes to kiss her Hannah pulls back again]
Hannah: You don’t have one of those ridiculous, um, those massage chairs, do you?
[Jacob hesitates in answering]
Hannah: [laughing] You do?
Jacob Palmer: No.
Hannah: Yes, you do!
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, I do.
[Hannah laughs hard]
Hannah: Oh, my God!
Jacob Palmer: I don’t! I don’t! I do! Who’d have that? I would! I have that.
Hannah: How much was it?
Jacob Palmer: Five thousand dollars
[this makes Hannah laugh even harder]
Jacob Palmer: Ask me how many times I’ve used it?
Hannah: How many times have you used it?
Jacob Palmer: Twice.
[laughing harder]
Hannah: That’s twenty five hundred dollars a message.
Jacob Palmer: Twice!
Hannah: Where is it?
Jacob Palmer: It’s in the garage.
Hannah: Can I sit in the message chair?
[next shot is of Hannah sitting in the massage chair in Jacob garage]
Hannah: I hate it!
Jacob Palmer: The Home Shopping Network, I mean I’m addi…I buy, I buy, I’m just the worst!
Hannah: Do you have a Slap Jack?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
Hannah: Do you have the knife that cuts through the penny?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
[Hannah laughs hard]
Hannah: What else do you have?
Jacob Palmer: Coin Bears.
Hannah: Coin Bears?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: You don’t have Coin Bear?
Jacob Palmer: I have a whole set of Coin Bears from each date.
Hannah: You have fifty Coin Bears?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, they all have a rare coin in their foot.
Hannah: You stay up nights?
Jacob Palmer: I am wildly unhappy
[they both laugh]
Jacob Palmer: I’m trying to buy it and it’s not working.
[after they’ve been talking and laughing for hours lying in Jacobs bed and drinking]
Jacob Palmer: Could you do me a favor?
Hannah: What?
Jacob Palmer: Will you do me a kindness?
Hannah: Mmm.
Jacob Palmer: Will you ask me something personal about myself?
Hannah: Mmm. Okay, fine. I’ll do it. And then we bang?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
Hannah: What’s your mother like?
Jacob Palmer: My mom, is very beautiful. Um, very vain, very smart, cold.
Hannah: And your dad?
Jacob Palmer: Um, he died a long time ago. He was such a sweet guy, he was probably too sweet. Very successful in business. He left me a lot of money, which is why I have all this stuff. But he was soft. Just too soft, too sensitive and, uh, you know he couldn’t really handle my mother.
[they continue talking for hours, Jacob finally falls asleep and Hannah pulls the cover over them and kisses Jacob and falls asleep next to him]
[not seeing Jacob at their usual bar Cal leaves a voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, Jacob, it’s Cal. Where are ya? Remember that first woman I picked up? That teacher? Well, I have a story to tell you. Call me.
[Cal leaves another voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, it’s been a week I haven’t heard from you. Should I be concerned? I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women.
[Cal leaves another voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, it’s me again. I’ve left like a hundred messages. Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I’m not getting it! So, call me back, please. Thanks.
[on a date having dinner]
Emily Weaver: I was going to be a ballerina.
David Lindhagen: Really? So tell me, what is it with women and ballerina’s?
Emily Weaver: I just pictured myself in the ballet. You know, I mean it’s not like I had a lot of training or anything, you know. You know, I actually never really had a lesson and, um, haven’t, haven’t seen a ballet.
David Lindhagen: You’ve never been to the ballet?
[shakes her head]
Emily Weaver: Mm-mm.
David Lindhagen: Wow! I would love to take you to the ballet.
Emily Weaver: You’d love to go to the ballet?
David Lindhagen: No! No! I didn’t say that. I said, I’d love to take you to the ballet. I’d just drop you off and then later on I’d pick you up and we could go to a ball game or something.
[Emily laughs getting the joke]
Emily Weaver: Oh, I get it!
[walking Emily back to her house at the end of their date]
David Lindhagen: Hey, you like sushi? Cause I know this really great sushi place…
Emily Weaver: I don’t eat sushi.
David Lindhagen: …that we’re never going to go to, because I hate sushi.
[Emily laughs]
[Jacob calls Cal while at a liquor store with Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: Cal? Jacob.
Cal Weaver: Oh, my God! It’s alive!
Jacob Palmer: Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off the grid there, pal.
Cal Weaver: You left me in my hour of need my friend.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah. Well, I’m in a bit of situation. A pickle, if you will. I just, I got no one else to call. I met a girl.
Cal Weaver: [sarcastically] Oh, really?
Jacob Palmer: I’m spending all this time with her and she is a game changer.
[Hannah waves at Jacob and he waves back at her]
Cal Weaver: She’s a game changer? No way!
Jacob Palmer: So much so, I’m going to meet her mother right now.
Cal Weaver: A mother and a daughter, that’s very Will Chamberlinesque, even for you.
Jacob Palmer: What is the matter with you? I don’t know what to do! I need some advice.
Cal Weaver: You realize you might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself. You got to smile a lot, you got to be charming, definitely don’t be yourself.
Jacob Palmer: That’s what you got for me? Don’t be myself. Great.
[Cal laughs]
Jacob Palmer: Thanks for nothing. Do you want to…
[Hannah comes over and touches his face]
Jacob Palmer: Do you want to get a beer, next week?
Cal Weaver: You have my number. And you know, don’t worry about tonight. You’ll be fine. Good for you, by the way.
Jacob Palmer: See you, buddy.
[as Cal is surprising Emily at home when we see Hannah arrive with Jacob behind her]
Jacob Palmer: Cal?
Cal Weaver: What are you doing here?
Jacob Palmer: What are you doing here?
Hannah: Wait, you guys know each other?
Cal Weaver: What’s going on?
Jacob Palmer: What are you doing here?
Robbie Weaver: Hi, Nanna.
Hannah: Hi, Robbie.
[Emily still blindfolded for Cal’s surprise]
Emily Weaver: Jacob, it’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.
Jacob Palmer: I’m sorry, what’s a Nanna?
Hannah: I’m a Nanna. You know, I couldn’t say Hannah when I was little. How do you know my dad?
[Jacob looks shocked realizing for the first time that Hannah is Cal’s daughter]
Emily Weaver: She couldn’t say her H’s at all.
Cal Weaver: Okay, I’m having trouble understanding what’s going on here, right now.
Hannah: Dad, this is, uh, this is Jacob. My boyfriend.
Cal Weaver: No, it’s not.
Hannah: I’m just bringing him over to meet mom.
Cal Weaver: No! No! No! No!
Jacob Palmer: I can’t breathe.
Emily Weaver: I want to see the boyfriend, please! Can I take this off, now?
Jacob Palmer: Cal, what are you do, what are you doing with a daughter that’s grown up?
Cal Weaver: I was seventeen, that’s why we had to get married so young.
Jacob Palmer: That is something you should have told me.
Cal Weaver: You never wanted me to talk about my children!
Molly Weaver: Um, I’m going to go watch TV now.
Cal Weaver: Yeah, that’s fine, honey. Why don’t you go do that?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, can I come?
Molly Weaver: No!
Cal Weaver: Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing, you guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?
Hannah: Yeah! Yes.
Cal Weaver: No way! Break up, right now!
Hannah: Daddy?
[to Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: Please don’t call him that.
[turns to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Cal, that’s not going to happen.
Cal Weaver: Then I will mess you up!
Hannah: Dad!
Emily Weaver: Cal!
Jacob Palmer: Cal!
[at that moment Robbie sees Jessica and her Dad storming into their garden to beat up Cal]
Robbie Weaver: Jessica!
Cal Weaver: Bernie!
[after Bernie’s punched Cal and he’s taken the miniature golf set apart in rage and is about to throw it at Cal]
Jessica: Daddy! Daddy! He doesn’t even know that I’m in love with him!
Robbie Weaver: With who?
[pointing to Cal]
Jessica: With him!
Cal Weaver: Are you pointing at me?
Robbie Weaver: Are you pointing at him?
Emily Weaver: She’s pointing at him? Oh!
Robbie Weaver: Wait! My dad is the older guy you’ve been seeing?
Bernie Riley: Oh, I knew it! You…
[in anger he goes to throw the golf set again]
Jessica: Oh, no! No! He doesn’t even know about the naked photo’s!
Cal Weaver: What?!
Emily Weaver: Jessica!
Robbie Weaver: You made him naked photo’s! Seriously?
Bernie Riley: I’m going to beat you until your brains fall out!
Cal Weaver: Time out! Time out! Hold on! Hold on!
Robbie Weaver: But, I love her!
Cal Weaver: Jessica’s the one you’re in love with?
[David appears in the middle of the fight and revelation of Jessica being in love with Cal]
David Lindhagen: Excuse me, Emily? You left your sweater in my car the other night.
Emily Weaver: Oh!
Hannah: Who are you?
David Lindhagen: I’m David Lindhagen.
Jacob Palmer: David Lindhagen.
Cal Weaver: David Lindhagen.
[Jacob takes off hi ring and walks over to David]
Jacob Palmer: Okay.
David Lindhagen: Is this a bad time?
Emily Weaver: Yeah.
[suddenly Jacob punches David in the face]
Hannah: Jacob!
Jacob Palmer: You know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend, you dumb son of a…?
[before Jacob can finishes Cal grabs hold of Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Stay the hell away from my daughter!
Emily Weaver: Cal!
[at the same time Bernie grabs hold of Cal who’s holding Jacob]
Bernie Riley: You stay away from my daughter!
[suddenly David jumps in and grabs hold of Jacob]
David Lindhagen: I don’t even know you!
[they are all now tangled together fighting each other]
Jacob Palmer: Oh, my God! What are you grabbing?!
[police have been called in after their big fight and Cal, Jacob, Bernie and David are sat side by side]
Police Officer #1: So, okay, wait. Which one of you is Lindhaygen?
Bernie, Jacob, David: Hagen.
[Bernie and Jacob point to David]
Police Officer #1: I’m just going to write domestic disturbance all clear, okay?
Emily Weaver: Thank you, Officer.
Police Officer #1: Just simmer down, okay? We all have arguments but if you’re going to fight, just do it inside. Keep it in the family, okay?
[Jacob tries to hold down laughing]
Cal Weaver: I will kill you.
Jacob Palmer: Cal, come on.
[ignoring Jacob and turns to Hannah]
Cal Weaver: Honey, this guy is a low life. He is a womanizer…
Emily Weaver: That’s ironic.
Cal Weaver: Excuse me?! I know him, I have witnessed him in action. And you are not to see him anymore.
Hannah: Dad, I’m not going to stop seeing him.
Cal Weaver: Okay, Okay. Well, then we have nothing more to talk about.
Emily Weaver: Cal, you’re being unreasonable.
[to Hannah]
Cal Weaver: Get the hell out of my house!
Emily Weaver: This is not your house anymore!
Cal Weaver: Yeah! Well, you made damn sure of that, didn’t you, sweetheart?
[Hannah turns and leaves with Jacob]
Molly Weaver: Bye, Nanna.
Hannah: Bye, cutie.
[referring to Emily]
Cal Weaver: She’s all yours, David.
David Lindhagen: Fantastic.
[as he’s leaving the house Cal stops in front of Robbie who looks coldly at him]
Cal Weaver: Go big or go home, right, bud?
Robbie Weaver: Go home, dad.
[Cal dressed in a sweatsuit, is sitting alone drinking at his usual bar]
Female Bartender: Can I get you another?
Cal Weaver: What time is it?
Female Bartender: Two thirty. In the afternoon.
Cal Weaver: Two thirty would have been sufficient, but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant.
[the waitress turns and leaves him]
Cal Weaver: I’m sor…I’m sorry for being a dick.
[Cal is sat alone at the bar when Jacob approaches him]
Jacob Palmer: Nice sweatsuit.
Cal Weaver: What do you want?
Jacob Palmer: Uh, could I sit down?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know, can you?
Jacob Palmer: Are we going to be adults about this, or we going to…
[Cal mimics Jacob]
Cal Weaver: ‘Are we going to be adults about this?’
[Jacob sits next to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: It would mean a lot to me if we could talk.
Cal Weaver: Are you still seeing my daughter?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Cal Weaver: Then I have nothing to say to you.
[referring to the bar]
Jacob Palmer: You been hanging out here a lot?
Cal Weaver: Sometimes.
Jacob Palmer: You missing a lot of work?
Cal Weaver: I have a lot of vacation days. You know what? You have a lot of nerve.
[the female bartender that he’d just insulted comes over and delivers Cal’s drink]
Jacob Palmer: Do you want to do your shot?
Cal Weaver: No, she probably spit in it. So, no, thank you.
Jacob Palmer: Your kids miss you, Cal.
Cal Weaver: You’re hanging out with my kids. That’s great. You can teach Robbie how to objectify women, he’ll love that.
Jacob Palmer: You know, it’s his, uh, eighth grade graduation next week. You going to go to that?
Cal Weaver: Of course I’m going.
Jacob Palmer: I just didn’t know. You haven’t been really around, so I just, I don’t think he knows either.
Cal Weaver: I haven’t been around for him?
Jacob Palmer: No.
Cal Weaver: That’s you telling me? Well, you know what? He’s not my biggest fan right now, he thinks I stole his soul mate.
Jacob Palmer: He worships the ground…
Cal Weaver: Okay, is the parental advice over? Because if so…
[referring to Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: I’m in love with her. I love her. I don’t know what I was doing before this, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not something I can really stop.
Cal Weaver: Yeah?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: You love her? You love Hannah?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Cal Weaver: Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her.
Jacob Palmer: I’m just, look, Cal, this is not something that I wanted, okay? It’s not something, I saw people who are in love and I thought the way that they were behaving and things that they were doing and saying, they just, they appeared pathetic. Honestly. And I spent all this time with you and I’m trying to make you more like me, and it turns out I just want to be…
[he doesn’t finish his sentence]
Jacob Palmer: I’m, I need a drink! You going to make me do this? Okay, Really do this?
Cal Weaver: I had Hannah when I was seventeen. I taught her how to ride a bike. I taught her how to drive a car. And I’m glad for you, I’m happy for you, that you’ve changed. I think it’s fantastic that you’re a better man. But I’ve seen too much already. I know, I know…
Jacob Palmer: No, I know
Cal Weaver: I know too much.
Jacob Palmer: I know. I know.
Cal Weaver: And it’s Hannah, and she’s too good for you.
Jacob Palmer: I agree.
Cal Weaver: I’m never going to give you my approval.
Jacob Palmer: You’re a good dad, Cal.
[Jacob stands and leaves the bar Cal takes a sip of his shot]
Cal Weaver: [to himself] Yep. Yep. She spit. She spit in that.
[at Robbie graduation, he takes the stand to make his graduation speech]
Robbie Weaver: Welcome, class of 2011. Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end. We can’t fight it anymore, we’re getting old
[there’s mumbling of laughter from the crowd]
Robbie Weaver: All my life I wanted to grow up. I wanted to appear older, so people would take me seriously. It all sounded so good to me. Growing up, getting a job, getting married, but it’s all a scam. And love, that’s the biggest scam of all. I was in love, and I know that makes some of you laugh, cause I’m only thirteen. But, whatever, I was. And I used to think, I really believed that there was one true love for everyone and if you fought hard enough for that person, your one true love would always work out. It sounded good to me when I younger, but it just doesn’t work that way. There is no such thing as one true love.
suddenly Cal stands up from his place in the audience
Cal Weaver: Stop!
[everyone in the crowd turns and looks at Cal]
Cal Weaver: Shit!
[after interrupting Robbie’s speech Cal faces the crowd and looks at the panel of teachers and notices Kate discreetly giving him the finger]
Cal Weaver: Well, here’s the thing. My son’s graduation speech sucks. That’s not a joke. In fairness, I didn’t know where he was going with that, but I think we can all agree it was headed in the kind of depressing, um, way. My son, not him, my actual son believes in grand romantic gestures. He believes in the existence of one soul mate. And it’s easy to just look at a thirteen year old and say; ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. You are wrong.’ But I’m not so sure. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old. We went out for ice cream. After my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do, and I told him; ‘Dad, it’s no big deal. I’m going to be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates.’ And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old and I’ve loved her every minute, every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children. I have loved her, even when I’ve hated her. You married couples will understand that one. And I don’t know if it’s going to work out, I don’t know what’ going to happen.
[turns to Robbie]
Cal Weaver: I’m sorry, Robbie. I can’t give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.
[after he’s finished his speech to the crowd of parent he turns to Robbie]
Cal Weaver: Do you have anything you’d like to say?
[Robbie grabs the microphone]
Robbie Weaver: I still love you, Jessica!
[the crowd laughs and cheers, Cal walks up next to Robbie and grabs the microphone]
Cal Weaver: And I love you, Emily!
Robbie Weaver: I’ve loved you ever since the first time you changed my sister’s diaper! I’ve loved you even when you came to my bedroom unannounced and I was under the covers…
[sat in the crowd Emily realizes what he’s about to say]
Emily Weaver: Stop him!
[Cal grabs the microphone from Robbie to try and stop him ending his sentence]
Cal Weaver: No! No! No!
[sat in the crowd Jessica’s mom turns to an embarrassed Jessica]
Claire Riley: What’s he talking about?
Robbie Weaver: I’m still not ashamed of it.
Cal Weaver: Good. Good.
[the crowd cheers as Cal escorts Robbie off the stand]
[as Robbie’s graduation ceremony is over Cal walks up to Hannah]
Cal Weaver: There she is, the perfect girl.
[they hug and Cal turns to Jacob]
Cal Weaver: So I bought a fire arm from a shady internet site and I am prepared to shoot you in the face with it. Come here?
[a nervous looking Jacob walks up to Cal who holds out his hand which Jacob takes to shake]
Cal Weaver: Take care of her.
[he slaps Jacob in the face]
Hannah: This is going to be fun.
Cal Weaver: This is going to be fun.
[Cal slaps Jacob in the face again]
[after graduation ceremony Robbie spots Jessica and walks up to her]
Robbie Weaver: I’m really glad you came.
Jessica: So am I.
Robbie Weaver: You were a really good babysitter, Jessica. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
[he hold out his hand for her to shake]
Jessica: I thought you weren’t giving up?
Robbie Weaver: I’m not. And I just figure, you like my dad, and in a few years I’ll look like him. I’ll come for you then.
Jessica: That’s not a bad plan. But, well until then, just a little graduation gift to get you through high school.
[she gives him an envelope]
Robbie Weaver: Thanks.
[Robbie opens it and sees that it’s the naked photos of herself that she was going to send Cal]
Robbie Weaver: [shocked] So can you, why…?
Jessica: Take care, Robbie.
[she kisses him on the cheek and Robbie watches her as she walks off]
Robbie Weaver: Holy crap!
[as they watch Robbie]
Cal Weaver: He looks pretty happy.
Emily Weaver: Yeah. God, I hate that haircut though.
Cal Weaver: I know. Like a sheep dog.
[last lines]
Emily Weaver: It’s been a really hard year.
Cal Weaver: How so?
[they both laugh]
Cal Weaver: Yeah, there were a couple of blips I guess. I know.
Emily Weaver: I guess, I just, no. Really what I, what I want to say is that I’m so glad you bought me that ice cream.
Cal Weaver: Me too.
[she smiles with tears in her eyes, Robbie watches them from afar enjoying one another’s company]
Total Quotes: 110
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