Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Best Quotes

Starring: Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, Kevin Bacon, Analeigh Tipton, Jonah Bobo, Joey King, Beth Littleford, John Carroll Lynch

OUR RATING: ★★★★☆

Story:

Comedy drama directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa. Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011) follows Cal Weaver (Steve Carell), a middle-aged husband whose seemingly perfect life unravels when he learns that his wife, Emily (Julianne Moore), has been unfaithful and wants a divorce. Over 40 and suddenly single, Cal is adrift in the fickle world of dating. Enter, Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling), a self-styled player who takes Cal under his wing and teaches him how to be a hit with the ladies.

Our Favorite Quotes:

'I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.' - Cal (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Best Quotes

Cal: [at the restaurant] Want to split a desert? You okay? You seem a little off.
Emily: Yeah, I’m just trying to think about what I want.
Cal: Yeah, me too. Why don’t we just say it at the same time? One, two, three…
Emily: I want to a divorce.
Cal: Creme brulee.

Robbie: [after Jessica catches him jerking off] I’m sorry you had to see that.
Jessica: No. You know, I should have knocked.
Robbie: Just for the record, I think about you while I do it.
Jessica: Robbie.
Robbie: I have this picture of you, and I look at it the whole time.

Robbie: I love you, Jessica.
Jessica: I am actually begging you to stop it!
Robbie: And I know you’re seventeen, and I know I just turned thirteen, which is the same age as your little brother. But soon our age difference won’t even matter. Which is good, because I’m pretty sure you’re my soul mate.

Jessica: [as she sees Cal looking disheveled] Oh, my God. Woh, What happened?
Cal: Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce, and I jumped out of the car.

Robbie: You jumped out of a moving car?
Cal: I did. I jumped out of a moving car. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Hannah: I don’t care. I love him. I really do. And given the opportunity, yes, I would have his babies.
Liz: Seriously? Conan O’Brien? You would do Conan O’Brien?
Hannah: Oh, my God. Yes.
Liz: Ew. Friend to friend, ew.

Liz: I don’t know. Your life is so PG-13.
Hannah: My life is not PG-13.
Liz: Oh, it so is.
Hannah: No, it’s not.
Liz: Yes, it is. You’ve never left LA. You passed the bar. You’re probably going to be what, a patent lawyer? Probably get married to that human Valium, Richard. I just, listen, I worry about you, is all.

Liz: So much potential, and you’ve resorted to fantasizing about Conan “Ginger Junk” O’Brien.
Hannah: He is funny!
Liz: He looks like a carrot, honey.

Jacob: Hi. Who looks like a carrot?
Liz: Conan O’Brien. My friend Hannah here thinks he’s sexy.
Jacob: That’s weird. Because I think that your friend Hannah is really sexy.
Hannah: Oh, my God. You did not just say that! How old are you?
Jacob: What are you, a lawyer?
Hannah: Yeah. A little bit.

'You see, the problem is that your head is like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.' - Jacob Palmer (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Hannah: Don’t you think you’re a little old to be using cheesy pickup lines?
Jacob: Objection. Leading the witness. You really wearing that like you’re doing it a favor.
Hannah: Oh, God.
Jacob: That’s a line. Me sitting over there for the past two hours, not being able to take my eyes off of you is fact. I mean, there’s lots of beautiful women in this bar. Your friend included. Hi.
Liz: I love you.
Jacob: But I can’t take my eyes off of you. That’s a fact, it’s not a line. I find you very attractive.

Jacob: Do you find me attractive?
Liz: She does.
Hannah: I don’t.
Jacob: You do. She does.
Liz: Yes, she does.
Hannah: I don’t!
Jacob: You do.
Liz: You do.
Hannah: I don’t!

Jacob: Hannah, we live in a physical world, right? And you’re going to age, right? I guarantee you this, you’re never going to regret going home with that guy form the bar that one time, that was a total tomcat in the sack. But I can’t guarantee that you won’t not regret it.
Hannah: That was a double negative.
Jacob: You’re a double negative.

Hannah: It’s time to go home.
Jacob: Really? Wow. That’s forward of you. But okay. I’ll do it.

'You play to your strengths. That's all any of us can do.' - Jacob Palmer (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Jessica: [to Cal] I like Mrs. Weaver. I like her a lot. Okay? But if she wants to divorce you, then I think she’s bats**t crazy.

Cal: [getting drunk at the bar] My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me.
Girl at Bar: I’m sorry to hear that.
Cal: Oh, thank you. That is very nice of you to say. Very, very nice. She just told me. I just found out. So I’m a little raw. Okay. Well, you’re not listening. Okay. You wouldn’t ignore me if I were David Lindhagen. My wife doesn’t ignore David Lindhagen. She screws him. She screws him.

Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
Cal’s Boss: You’re getting a divorce?
Cal: Yeah.
Cal’s Boss: Amy, heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer. Thank God, man.
Cal: Yeah! Just my relationship
Cal’s Boss: Thank God. Divorce.
Cal: I’m so lucky.
Cal’s Boss: You are.

Cal’s Boss: [to Cal] It could have been cancer, buddy!
Cal’s Boss: [to people in the office] Hey, everyone, it’s just a divorce!

Emily: [to Cal] I think I’m having a midlife crisis, maybe. Can women have midlife crisis? In the movies it’s always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsche’s. But, you know, I’m not a man.

'You're never going to regret going home with that guy form the bar that one time, that was a total tomcat in the sack. But I can't guarantee that you won't not regret it.' - Jacob, 'That was a double negative.' - Hannah Share on X

Emily: [to Cal] Last week, you know when I told you that I had to work late, I really went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. I don’t know why I did that. And it was so bad, Cal.

Emily: We haven’t been us. Not for a long time. And I don’t know when you and I stopped being us. I mean, do you?
Cal: Maybe it’s when you screwed David Lindhagen.

Bernie: Claire said I can’t be friends with you anymore.
Cal: What?
Bernie: She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.

Cal: [drinking at the bar] You know a word that is not used very often anymore? Cuckold. I’m a cuckold. David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me. He slept with my wife, and I didn’t know about it. And that is the definition of cuckoldom. David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her. Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house. What do I get for it? I get cuckolded? David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me.

'The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.' - Jacob (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Cal: [as Jacob sits next to him at the bar] Guess what. My wife is having an affair with…
Jacob: David Lindhagen. David Lindhagen, I know. How do I know that?
Cal: I don’t know.
Jacob: I’m a total stranger. How would I know something so intimate about your wife?
Cal: David Lindhagen screwing your wife too?
Jacob: No. Do you want to know why I know that, Cal?
Cal: Okay.
Jacob: Because it’s all that I’ve heard, Cal, for the past two nights. It’s all anybody’s heard. You’re going around, and you’re like, you’re badgering people with this sad-sack, loser sob story. And I don’t understand why.

Jacob: Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. Just for this conversation. Do you know what that looks like? It looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schwantz. Is that what you want?
Cal: What?
Jacob: Is that the message you want to sent to everybody?
Cal: No one’s thinking that.
Jacob: Really?

Jacob: So, permission to speak candidly, sir.
Cal: I think you’ve already gone there.
Jacob: You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you’re getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a fourteen year-old girl. And you’re wearing a forty-four when you should be wearing a forty-two regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or euthanize you.

Jacob: Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair. You seem like a nice guy. I want to help you. I’m going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea like where you lost it?
Cal: Strong case could be made for 1984.
Jacob: Well, we’re going to find it. We are. I promise you. And I promise you this too, Cal. When we’re done, this wife of yours, she’s going to rue the day she ever decided to give up on you. That’s my offer. You in or you out?
Cal: Why are you doing this?
Jacob: Maybe you remind me of someone. You in or are you out?
Cal: I’m in.

Cal: Your mom wants you to stay here while she’s out hooking.
Robbie: What?
Cal: What?

'The war between the sexes is over. And we won. Okay? We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.' - Jacob (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Liz: [referring to Richard] Hannah, look at you. Look at you. If you end up with that, what am I going to end up with?
Hannah: Shut up!
Liz: That s**t’s depressing.

Jacob: [after he tosses Cal’s sneakers away] Are you Steve Jobs?
Cal: What?
Jacob: Hold on a second! Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Cal: No.
Jacob: Oh. Okay. Well, in that case, you got no right to wear New Balance sneakers ever.

Jacob: [as Cal is trying on new clothes] You see, the problem is that your head is like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.

'I'm wearing a shirt, and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. It's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down.' - Cal (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
Cal: [looks into a mirror] It does.

Cal: [referring to the jeans he’s wearing] These are fine.
Jacob: They’re not fine. You have a mom butt. Is that what you want?

Jacob: Cal, you’re better than the Gap. You’re better than the Gap. Say it?
Cal: I’m better than the Gap.
Jacob: [slaps Cal] Come on.
Cal: God! Stop slapping me. Really.

'I am wildly unhappy. I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.' - Jacob (Crazy Stupid Love) Share on X

Jacob: [as Cal is trying on new clothes] You see what just happened, Cal? Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to sleep with you or not.
Cal: That’s probably the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Jacob: No. This is. Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover.
Cal: You’re right. That’s meaner.

Jacob: So, let’s talk about how many women you’ve been with.
Cal: Sexually?
Jacob: Yeah. No, I mean break-dance fighting.
Cal: One.
Jacob: No. Not at one time.

See more Crazy Stupid Love Quotes

Cal: We met in high school, okay?
Jacob: Oh, boy. You’re kidding me. One woman? That’s great.
Cal: Emily is beautiful.
Jacob: I guess.
Cal: She was gorgeous. She was one of those women that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time.
Jacob: Oh, boy.
Cal: We had a little blip in the senior year, but…
Jacob: I literally stopped listening at “Emily”.

Jacob: I think we should start approaching women tonight. Are you ready to go?
Cal: I miss my wife.

Jacob: [referring to Amy] Would you keep her company for a minute?
Cal: Of course.
Jacob: Okay.
Cal: I’d be happy to.
Jacob: [to Amy] If he gets handsy, let me know.
Cal: I wouldn’t touch you, if my life depended on it.

David Lindhagen: You’ve been avoiding me.
Emily: No. I haven’t.
David Lindhagen: You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday. You’re very fast, by the way.
Emily: I ran track in high school.
David Lindhagen: That must be it.

David Lindhagen: I had no intention of falling for a married woman, but all of a sudden we’re having lunch, and I’m this accountant who’s waking up every morning excited to go to work. And that just does not happen for accountants. Ever. I checked with other accountants.
Emily: David, you know what? You’ve been a great friend. And you noticed last month when I got my hair trimmed, and that was huge. But look, trust me. You know, I am saving you from disaster, because you’re asking to pre-board the Titanic. Do you really want any part of this?

Robbie: [text message] Hi, Jessica. FYI, Demi Moore is fifteen years older than Ashton K. They really seem happy. Love, Robbie.

Ms. Tafferty: [in class when she notices Robbie texting] Mr. Weaver, are we interrupting?
Robbie: You want to talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? Alright. Well, the A they’re both wearing, I think it stands for a**hole. Want to know why? Because they fell in love, and love is for stupid a**holes. And this book is just about a bunch of a**holes who fell in love, like a**holes, then had to die, like a**holes. I’m sorry about all the “a**holes”.

Robbie: I heard you crying in your bedroom the other night. I didn’t know what to do.
Emily: Oh, Robbie. Baby, you’re thirteen, you’re not supposed to know what to do.
Robbie: I tried Googling it.
Emily: You did not?
Robbie: Yep. I did.
Emily: What did you Google?
Robbie: I searched “Mom crying in bed”.
Emily: What did Google say?
Robbie: Just bunch of weird videos of moms in bed.
Emily: Oh, God! Okay. Alright. That’s enough. No more. Do those parental controls work at all?
Robbie: They work for me.
Emily: Because you’re a disgusting teenager, that’s why.

David Lindhagen: So, Robbie, I hear you’re quite the soccer player.
Robbie: So, David, I hear you broke up my parents marriage. You are David Lindhaygen, right?
David Lindhagen: Lindhagen.
Robbie: Yeah. Here’s the thing, Lindhaygen.
David Lindhagen: Hagen.
Robbie: Whatever. In the end, she winds up back with my dad. He’s a better guy that you are, in every category. And she still loves him. He’s not going to give up on my mom, just like I’m not going to stop sending Jessica messages that make her feel uncomfortable.

Jacob: [as they’re exercising at the gym] Look, let’s face it, Cal. Alright? The war between the sexes is over. And we won. Okay? We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.

Cal: [in the men’s changing room] God! Would you put on some clothes, please?
Jacob: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this bothering you?
Cal: No. It’s not.
Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it’s not bothering you, we got a bigger problem.
Cal: Okay, it bothers me.
Jacob: I don’t care.

Jacob: [in the sauna] You got to take control of your manhood, pal. You know? You want something, you take it. You don’t like something, you say it. I take what I want. David Lindhagen, he certainly took what he wanted, didn’t he? And I can guarantee you this, he is opening the car door for your wife right now. What, are you passing out?
Jacob: [Cal passes out, hitting his head on Jacob’s crotch] Oh, boy.

Jacob: [to Cal] You’re as ready as you’re ever going to be. You play to your strengths, pal. That’s all any of us can do. I’m mysterious. I’m, you know, good in bed. And you are a, you know, stable and employed adult.

Jacob: You see this, this lady over here at nine o’clock?
Cal: You want me to hit on her?
Jacob: No, I want to hit on her. The one behind her. She’s a total fox, right? You think she came to a crowded bar to have a quite drink alone? She’s hunting. She’s just looking for an opportunity to settle for a responsible and stable adult. And I’d like her to settle for you.
Cal: Oh. Well, thank you for the ego boost. But you know what? Just because I’ve watched you pick up women, doesn’t mean that I know how to pick up women.

Jacob: You ever see Karate Kid?
Cal: What does that have to do with anything?
Jacob: You know, when he’s teaching him to wax and off, but he’s really teaching him to fight?
Cal: You want me to fight someone?

Cal: Never. Never talk about yourself, always about her.
Jacob: Because bar banter…
Cal: Is boring.
Jacob: It’s the worst.
Cal: So you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one. “Impress me. Impress me with how interesting you are.” It’s a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy little game you play.
Jacob: Oh. That’s judgmental, isn’t it?

Cal: [realizing he had learned from Jacob] Oh, my God. You did. You Miyagi’d me.

Kate: I’m a teacher.
Cal: Boring. Come on. You got to keep it interesting. Interest me.
Kate: I studied at Oxford University for five years.
Cal: Boring! Wow! Teacher with an alcoholic dependency who studied at Oxford. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. Bleh! England. Yuk.

Cal: [as Kate is about to leave] I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute. Which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it’s become corrupted. And I have eighteen layers of clothes on. I’m wearing a shirt, and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. It’s all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. This sweater, this is called slim cut, but it feels like a scuba suit. And I’m looking at your breasts. What’s that about?
Kate: You think I’m the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
Cal: That’s what you picked up from what I just said?

Cal: [as they’re kissing] You want to hear something really hot? I’ve only had sex with one woman in my entire life.
Kate: Honest or not honest?
Cal: That’s honest.

Kate: [as she’s kissing him] Tell me more.
Cal: I’m a little worried you have AIDS. Just a little. Just a little bit. It’s okay, I’m not worried.

Kate: What do you want to do with me?
Cal: Oh. I want to show you off to my ex-wife, and make her really jealous.

Jacob: Dude, I went home with this girl the other night. She was like heckling me the whole time we were… I felt like was, you know, doing it with the two old guys from The Muppet Show.

Liz: [over phone, referring to Jacob] Hey. Hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here.
Hannah: Liz, I’m studying.
Liz: You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom, is what you should studying.

Liz: [over phone] Come on, take a break. It’ll be good for you to get out. And by get out, I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see God.
Hannah: What is wrong with you?
Liz: You should be studying the gentle curve of his c**k.
Hannah: Okay. Goodbye, Liz.
Liz: [as Hannah ends the call] Is that too much? Hello?

Claire: [to Jessica, referring to Cal] Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
Bernie: Claire, she’s too young for this. I don’t like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S.
Claire: Sweetheart, first of all, they can spell. Second of all, I’m just saying, I think we were right in choosing Emily.

Madison: What’s up?
Jessica: It’s kind of on the personal side.
Madison: Yep, my lips are…
Madison: [after making a noise like a seal] Seals! My lips are seals.

Cal: What’s with all the moping?
Robbie: Nothing. It’s just, there’s a girl.
Cal: A girl, huh? You like her?
Robbie: I like Pringles. I mean, this girl, she is incredible. She’s my soul mate, you know? She doesn’t even care.
Cal: But she’s your soul mate, right?
Robbie: Yeah.
Cal: So, you just don’t give up on her, right?
Robbie: Why not? You did.

Cal: I didn’t give up. Okay? It’s more complicated than that. I’m a different guy now.
Robbie: You’re not a different guy. You just have different clothes.
Cal: It’s not that simple, kiddo.
Robbie: What kind of crap is that?
Cal: Watch it!
Robbie: Either you love her, or you don’t. And I know you do. I’m serious, Dad. I just need some inspiration right now. Alright? Go get her back.
Cal: Wow! How old are you?

Emily: Wow. You look great, Cal.
Cal: Oh. Well, it turns out I’ve been buying the wrong sized suit for like twenty years, so.

Cal: What teacher is this?
Emily: [referring to Robbie] Ms. Tafferty. She’s the one he pulled the Scarlet Letter a**hole routine on.
Cal: God, such a weird kid.
Emily: I kind of like him though.
Cal: Yeah, me too. I’m glad we switched babies at the hospital.
Emily: Me too. That other one’s in jail probably.

Cal: I miss you, Em. I made an effort when we were younger, didn’t I? I mean, miniature golf and dancing. You were such a great dancer.
Emily: I had to be. You were such a good miniature golfer.
Cal: I just, I don’t know, I guess I got lazy. I got boring, is what I got.

Cal: And I’m so mad at you. I’m really mad at you for what you did. But I’m mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of the car. I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates. At least that’s what my thirteen year-old son tells me.
Emily: He’s a really strange kid.
Cal: He scares the s**t out of me.
Emily: I miss you too.

Kate: As you know, Robbie’s shining moment was when he set a school record for cursing in eighth grade English class.
Kate: [writes on the blackboard] A**hole! You’re familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver?
Emily: Yes, I am. And I’ve spoken to the principal about…
Kate: [looking at Cal] A**hole. As in someone who tells a woman that he’ll call and never does A**hole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him, but is actually full of s**t, like the rest of them!
Emily: [quietly to Cal] Oh, this is not about Robbie.
Kate: A**hole. As in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for forty-five minutes, because he’s nervous!
Emily: Ew! Ew!
Cal: Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! You know what? You know what? No. Here’s the deal. She’s an alcoholic.

Cal: I did. I slept with our son’s eight-grade English teacher.
Emily: I know. I know. And I cheated! So I have no right to be angry.
Cal: That’s not the point. When we were first married, you were the only woman that I had ever slept with. And now I have had sex with nine different women. God!
Emily: Nine? Nine? Wow! You showed me!
Cal: I wasn’t trying to show you. I was trying to move on. But I don’t want to. You’ve always been the only one.

Kate: [as she’s listening to their argument] Tell her she’s the perfect combination of sexy and cute, a**hole!
Emily: You said that to her?
Cal: I did, yes.
Emily: Who are you?
Cal: I’m your soul mate.
Cal: [as it starts to rain when Emily leaves] What a cliché.

Hannah: [after Richard fails to propose to her, she finds Jacob and kisses him] Do you remember me?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: You still find me attractive?
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: Still want to take me home?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: [kisses him] Let’s go.

Hannah: [at Jacob’s house] I know I seemed confident back at the bar, but that was mostly just because I was cold, and wet, and trying to be dramatic a little bit.
Jacob: You’re adorable.
Hannah: No. I am sexy. I am R-rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight. Alright? I know. It’s that I get really drunk, and then I pass out. And you cover me with a blanket, you kiss me on the cheek, and nothing happens. But that’s not why I’m here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
Jacob: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob.
Jacob: Are people still saying “bang”?
Hannah: Oh, I do. We’re going to bang! Hm? This is happening.

Hannah: [after she asks Jacob to take off his shirt] F***! Seriously? It’s like you’re Photoshopped! Can I…
Jacob: [as she touches his stomach] You have cold hands. Now I need you take off your dress.
Hannah: No!
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: No way! Not with all that going on. No, thank you. Is there a dim lighting somewhere?

Hannah: What’s your big move?
Jacob: I’m not telling you my big move.
Hannah: Tell me your move.
Jacob: You’re not ready for the big move.
Hannah: Yes, I am. I want your big move.
Jacob: You can’t handle the big move. Trust me.
Hannah: Tell me your big move!
Jacob: I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Hannah: Dirty Dancing?
Jacob: Can I sit down, please?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob: Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah: No.

Hannah: Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob: You know the big move at the end of Dirty Dancing, where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob: I can do that.
Hannah: Okay.
Jacob: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song “Time of your Life”. I do the big move. And they always want to have sex with me.
Hannah: Oh, my God! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Jacob: I agree. But it works every time.
Hannah: That would not work on me.

Hannah: [as they’re kissing on Jacob’s bed] This pillow forms perfectly to the shape of my head.
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah? I always wondered who actually buys those! The hot guy from the bar buys them. Of course.

Hannah: You don’t have one of those ridiculous massage chairs, do you? You do?
Jacob: No.
Hannah: Yes, you do!
Jacob: Yeah, I do.
Hannah: Oh, my God.
Jacob: I don’t! I don’t! I do! Who’d have that? I would! I have that.
Hannah: How much was it?
Jacob: Five thousand dollars Ask me how many times I’ve used it?
Hannah: How many times have you used it?
Jacob: Twice.
Hannah: That’s twenty-five hundred dollars a message.
Jacob: Twice!

Hannah: You stay up nights?
Jacob: I am wildly unhappy. I’m trying to buy it, and it’s not working.

Jacob: Could you do me a favor?
Hannah: What?
Jacob: Will you do me a kindness? Will you ask me something personal about myself?
Hannah: Okay. Fine. I’ll do it. And then we bang?
Jacob: Yes!

Cal: [leaving a voice message for Jacob] Hey, it’s been a week. I haven’t heard from you. Should I be concerned? I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women.

Cal: [leaves another voice message for Jacob] Hey, it’s me again. I’ve left like a hundred messages. Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I’m not getting it.

David Lindhagen: You’ve never been to the ballet? Wow. I would love to take you to the ballet.
Emily: You’d love to go to the ballet?
David Lindhagen: No. No. I didn’t say that. I said, I’d love to take you to the ballet. I’d just drop you off, and then later on I’d pick you up and we could go to a ball game or something.

David Lindhagen: Hey, you like sushi? Because I know this really great sushi place…
Emily: I don’t eat sushi.
David Lindhagen: That we’re never going to go to because I hate sushi.

Emily: [referring to paying her for babysitting] Let me give you…
Jessica: I don’t want your slutty money.
Emily: [as Jessica leaves] Sweetheart, what’s wrong?
Emily: [to herself] “Slutty money”?

Jacob: [over phone] I’m in a bit of situation. A pickle, if you will. I got no one else to call. I met a girl.
Cal: [sarcastically] Oh, really?
Jacob: I’m spending all this time with her and she is a game changer.
Cal: She’s a game changer? No way.
Jacob: So much so, I’m going to meet her mother right now.
Cal: A mother and a daughter. That’s very Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you.
Jacob: What is the matter with you? I don’t know what to do. I need some advice.
Cal: You realize you might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself. You got to smile a lot. You got to be charming. Definitely don’t be yourself.
Jacob: That’s what you got for me? Don’t be myself. Great. Thanks for nothing.

Cal: Okay. I’m having trouble understanding what’s going on here right now.
Hannah: Dad, this is Jacob. My boyfriend.
Cal: No, it’s not.
Hannah: I’m just bringing him over to meet Mom.
Cal: No. No. No, no, no.
Jacob: I can’t breathe.

Jacob: Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that’s grown up?
Cal: I was seventeen. That’s why we had to get married so young.
Jacob: That is something you should have told me.
Cal: You never wanted me to talk about my children!
Molly Weaver: I’m going to go watch TV now.
Cal: Yeah. That’s fine, honey. Why don’t you go do that?
Jacob: Yeah. Can I come?
Molly Weaver: No!

Cal: Break up, right now!
Hannah: Daddy?
Jacob: Please don’t call him that. Cal, that’s not going to happen.
Cal: Then I will mess you up!

Jessica: He doesn’t even know that I’m in love with him!
Robbie: With who?
Jessica: With him!
Cal: Are you pointing at me?
Robbie: Are you pointing at him?
Emily: She’s pointing at him? Oh!
Robbie: Wait! My dad is the older guy you’ve been seeing?

Robbie: [to Jessica, referring to Cal] You made him naked photos? Seriously?
Bernie: I’m going to beat you till your brains fall out!
Cal: Time out! Time out! Hold on! Hold on!
Robbie: But I love her!
Cal: Jessica’s the one you’re in love with?

David Lindhagen: [interrupts the fight] I’m David Lindhagen.
Jacob: David Lindhagen?
Cal: David Lindhagen.
Jacob: Okay.
David Lindhagen: Is this a bad time?
Emily: Yeah.
[suddenly Jacob punches David in the face]

Cal: [to Jacob, as they’re all fighting] Stay the hell away from my daughter!
Emily: Cal!
Bernie: [to Cal] You stay away from my daughter!
David Lindhagen: [to Jacob] I don’t even know you!

Police Officer #1: So, okay. Wait. Which one of you is Lindhaygen?
Bernie, Jacob, David: Hagen.

Cal: [after all the fighting and everyone leaving] Go big or go home, right, bud?
Robbie: Go home, Dad.

Female Bartender: Can I get you another?
Cal: What time is it?
Female Bartender: Two-thirty. In the afternoon.
Cal: “Two-thirty”would have been sufficient, but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant. I’m sorry for being a d**k.

Jacob: [as the bartender gives Cal his drink] Do you want to do your shot?
Cal: No. She probably spit in it. So, no, thank you.

Cal: You love her? You love Hannah?
Jacob: Yes.
Cal: Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her.
Jacob: Look, Cal, this is not something that I wanted, okay? I saw people who are in love, and I thought the way that they were behaving, and the things that they were doing and saying, they just, they appeared pathetic, honestly. And I spent all this time with you, and I’m trying to make you more like me, and it turns out I just want to be…

Cal: [referring to Hannah] She’s too good for you.
Jacob: I agree.
Cal: I’m never going to give you my approval.
Jacob: [as he leaves] You’re a good dad, Cal.
Cal: [as he takes a sip of his shot, referring to the bartender] Yep. Yep. She spit. She spit in that.

Robbie: [giving his graduation speech] All my life I wanted to grow up. I wanted to appear older, so people would take me seriously. It all sounded so good to me. Growing up, getting a job, getting married. But it’s all a scam. And love? That’s the biggest scam of all. I was in love. And I know that makes some of you laugh because I’m only thirteen. But, whatever. I was. And I used to think, I really believed, that there was one true love for everyone. And if you fought hard enough for that person, your one true love would always work out. It sounded good to me when I younger, but it just doesn’t work that way. There is no such thing as one true love.
Cal: [everyone in the crowd turns and looks at Cal] Stop! S**t!

Cal: [after interrupting Robbie’s speech] Well, here’s the thing. My son’s graduation speech sucks. That’s not a joke. In fairness, I didn’t know where he was going with that, but I think we can all agree. it was headed in the kind of depressing way.

Cal: My son, not him, my actual son. believes in grand romantic gestures. He believes in the existence of one soul mate. And it’s easy to just look at a thirteen year-old, and say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You are wrong.” But I’m not so sure. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years-old. We went out for ice cream.

Cal: I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years-old, and I have loved her every minute of every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children. I have loved her even when I’ve hated her. Only married couples will understand that one. And I don’t know if it’s going to work out. I don’t know what’ going to happen. I’m sorry, Robbie. I can’t give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.

Cal: [to Jacob] So I bought a firearm from a shady internet site, and I am prepared to shoot you in the face with it. Come here. Take care of her.
Hannah: [as Cal slaps Jacob in the face] This is going to be fun.
Cal: [slaps Jacob in the face again] This is going to be fun.

Robbie: You were a really good babysitter, Jessica. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
Jessica: I thought you weren’t giving up?
Robbie: I’m not. But I just figure, you like my dad, and in a few years I’ll look like him. I’ll come for you then.
Jessica: That’s not a bad plan. But, well, until then, just a little graduation gift to get you through high school.
Robbie: Thanks.
[Robbie opens the envelope and sees that it’s the naked photos she was going to send Cal]

Cal: [as they watch Robbie] He looks pretty happy.
Emily: Yeah. God, I hate that haircut though.
Cal: I know. He looks like a sheep dog.

Emily: It’s been a really hard year.
Cal: How so? Yeah, there were a couple of little blips, I guess. I know.
Emily: I guess, I just, you know… Really what I want to say is that I’m so glad you bought me that ice cream.
Cal: Me too.

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