Starring: Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, Kevin Bacon, Analeigh Tipton, Jonah Bobo, Joey King, Beth Littleford, John Carroll Lynch
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Story:
Comedy drama directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa. Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011) follows Cal Weaver (Steve Carell), a middle-aged husband whose seemingly perfect life unravels when he learns that his wife, Emily (Julianne Moore), has been unfaithful and wants a divorce. Over 40 and suddenly single, Cal is adrift in the fickle world of dating. Enter, Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling), a self-styled player who takes Cal under his wing and teaches him how to be a hit with the ladies.
Our Favorite Quotes:
'You see, the problem is, your head is like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.' - Jacob Palmer (Crazy Stupid Love) Click To Tweet 'You play to your strengths, pal. That's all any of us can do.' - Jacob Palmer (Crazy Stupid Love) Click To Tweet
Best Quotes
[first lines; Cal and Emily are at a restaurant looking at the menu]
Cal Weaver: Oh! So full. You were right, I shouldn’t have eaten all that bread. want to split a desert?
[Emily doesn’t reply and Cal looks at her]
Cal Weaver: You okay? You seem a little off.
Emily Weaver: Yeah, I’m just trying to think about what I want.
Cal Weaver: Yeah, me too. Why don’t we just say it at the same time? One, two, three…
[at the same time]
Emily Weaver: I want to a divorce!
Cal Weaver: Creme brulee…
[Cal looks up at her in shock]
[as they’re driving home from the restaurant]
Emily Weaver: Aren’t you going to say anything? Almost twenty five years of marriage and you have nothing to say?
[Cal doesn’t say anything but just stares ahead]
[continuation of their drive home]
Emily Weaver: Okay, you’re not talking and you know that only makes me talk more. You know, but I mean, maybe that’s good! You know? Cause maybe I’ll just say it, maybe, maybe I’ll just tell you I slept with someone!
[Emily looks at Cal who has still makes no response and is still gazing ahead]
Emily Weaver: David Lindhagen, from work. You met him at the Christmas party, the one with the…
Cal Weaver: Please stop.
Emily Weaver: You’re the last person in the world that I’d want to hurt, Cal.
Cal Weaver: If you keep talking I’m going to get out of the car.
Emily Weaver: But I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broke we are
Cal Weaver: Okay
Emily Weaver: How much, how much we really need…
[Cal calmly throws himself out of the moving vehicle so he doesn’t have to listen]
Emily Weaver: Hey! Oh, my God! Cal!
[Emily stops the car and runs towards Cal]
Emily Weaver: Are you okay?
Cal Weaver: I’ll leave tonight. I’ll sign whatever you want, just please stop talking about it.
Emily Weaver: Okay.
[after Jessica has accidently walked into Robbie’s bedroom and caught him jerking off]
Robbie Weaver: I’m sorry you had to see that.
Jessica: No, you know, I should have knocked.
Robbie Weaver: Just for the record, I think about you while I do it.
Jessica: Robbie!
Robbie Weaver: I have this picture of you and I look at it the whole time.
Jessica: Stop it!
Robbie Weaver: I love you, Jessica.
Jessica: I am actually begging you to stop it!
Robbie Weaver: And I know you’re seventeen and I know I just turned thirteen, which is the same age your little brother, but soon our age difference won’t even matter. Which is good, because I’m pretty sure you’re my soul mate.
[as Cal and Emily return home from the restaurant]
Jessica: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver, how was…?
[she notices Cal looking very disheveled]
Jessica: Oh, my God! Woh! What happened?
Cal Weaver: Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce and I jumped out of the car.
Emily Weaver: Cal!
Cal Weaver: Well,
Emily Weaver: Honey. Cal…
Cal Weaver: It’s good. Everybody good?
Robbie Weaver: Dad?
Cal Weaver: Oh! Hey, buddy. I didn’t see you standing there.
Robbie Weaver: You’re getting a divorce?
Cal Weaver: Well, yes.
Robbie Weaver: You jumped out of a moving car?
Cal Weaver: I did. I jumped out of a moving car. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Robbie Weaver: I’m sorry you jumped out of car.
[drinking at a bar]
Hannah: I don’t care. I love him. I really do. And given the opportunity, yes, I would have his babies.
Liz: Seriously? Conan O’Brien? You would do Conan O’Brien?
Hannah: Oh, my God! Yes!
Liz: Ew! Friend to friend, ew!
Liz: I don’t know, your life is so PG thirteen.
Hannah: My life is not PG thirteen.
Liz: Oh, it so is.
Hannah: No, it’s not!
Liz: Yes, it is. You’ve never left LA. You passed the bar for patent lawyer, probably get married to that human Valium, Richard. I just, listen, I worry about you, that’s all.
Liz: So much potential and you’re resorted to fantasizing about Conan Ginger Junco O’Brien.
Hannah: He is funny!
Liz: He looks like a carrot, honey.
Jacob Palmer: Who looks like a carrot?
[Hannah and Liz look up to find Jacob, he’s been eying Hannah up from afar]
Jacob Palmer: Hi. Who looks like a carrot?
Liz: Conan O’Brien. My friend, um, Hannah here thinks he’s sexy.
Jacob Palmer: That’s weird, because I think that your friend, Hannah, is really sexy.
Hannah: Oh, my God! You did not just say that! How old are you?
Jacob Palmer: What are you, a lawyer?
Hannah: Yeah. A little bit.
Jacob Palmer: Come on!
Hannah: I know.
Hannah: Don’t you think you’re a little old to be using cheesy pick-up lines?
Jacob Palmer: Objection. Leading the witness. Wow, Hannah. You really wearing that dress to be doing it a favor.
Hannah: Oh, God!
Jacob Palmer: That’s a line. I’ve been sitting over there for the past two hours, not being able to take my eyes off of you, is a fact. I mean, there’s lots of beautiful women in this bar, your friend included. Hi.
[Liz is just staring at him]
Liz: I love you.
Jacob Palmer: But I can’t take my eyes off of you. That’s a fact, it’s not a line. I find you very attractive. Do you find me attractive?
Liz: She does.
Hannah: I don’t.
Jacob Palmer: You do. She does.
Liz: Yes, she does.
Hannah: I don’t!
Jacob Palmer: You do.
Liz: You do.
Hannah: I don’t!
Jacob Palmer: Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: You say no a lot, don’t you?
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy! Permission to approach the bench.
Hannah: Seriously?
Jacob Palmer: Just, come on. Let me, let me deliver my closing argument.
Hannah: Sure, proceed.
Jacob Palmer: Hannah, we live in a physical world, right?
Hannah: Uh-uh.
Jacob Palmer: And you’re going to age, right?
Hannah: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: I guarantee you this, you’re never going to regret going home with that guy form the bar that one time that was a total Tom Cat in the sack. But I can’t guarantee that you won’t not regret it.
Hannah: That was a double negative.
Jacob Palmer: You’re a double negative.
Jacob Palmer: Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
Hannah: Okay, it’s, you know what? It’s time to go home.
Jacob Palmer: Really?
Hannah: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: Wow, that’s forward of you. But okay.
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: I’ll do it.
[she rejects him leaving him surprised and fairly amused]
[as Cal is driving Jessica home]
Jessica: You’re the nicest dad that I babysit, of all the, um, you’re really nice.
Cal Weaver: That’s very nice.
Jessica: And, um, I like Mrs. Weaver, I like her a lot. Okay? But if she wants to divorce you, then I think she’s batshit crazy.
[Cal laughs]
Jessica: I’m sorry.
Cal Weaver: Okay. Okay.
Jessica: I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, I’ve developed like a little crush…
Cal Weaver: Would you do me a favor? Would you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know? It’s something we want to tell them on our own, okay?
Jessica: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: Thank you. I appreciate that.
[sitting at a bar drinking and turns to the two women standing at the bar]
Cal Weaver: Hey, guess what?
Girl at Bar: What?
Cal Weaver: My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me.
Girl at Bar: I’m sorry to hear that.
Cal Weaver: Oh, thank you. That is very nice of you to say. Very very nice. She just told me, I just found out. So I’m a little raw. It’s, it’s…
[he looks up and sees the woman at the bar isn’t listening to him but talking to the friend]
Cal Weaver: Okay. Well, you’re not listening. Ooookay! You wouldn’t ignore me if I were David Lindhagen. My wife doesn’t ignore David Lindhagen, she screws him. She screws him.
Cal Weaver: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
Cal’s Boss: You’re getting a divorce?
Cal Weaver: Yeah.
Cal’s Boss: Amy, heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer.
Cal Weaver: Oh!
Cal’s Boss: [laughing] Thank God, man!
Cal Weaver: Yeah! Just my relationship
[Cal’s boss laughs harder and Cal laughs with him]
Cal’s Boss: Thank God! Divorce!
Cal Weaver: I’m so lucky.
Cal’s Boss: You are.
Cal Weaver: I have to go pick up out furniture now.
Cal’s Boss: Okay! Okay! You go for it!
[as Cal is walking away]
Cal’s Boss: It could have been cancer, buddy!
[he turns and announces to everyone in the office]
Cal’s Boss: Hey everyone, it’s just a divorce!
[everyone in the office claps their hands as Cal is walking out of the office]
Cal Weaver: Thanks! Feels good.
[as Cal is about to leave with the furniture he’s taking with him]
Emily Weaver: I think I’m having a midlife crisis, maybe. Can women have midlife crisis? In the movies it’s always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsche’s, but you know I’m not a man…
[Cal ignores her and walks ahead looking at the garden]
Cal Weaver: Fertilize, you got to be sure to fertilize all this.
Emily Weaver: We got married so young, Cal. You know, I’m forty four. I’m so much older than I thought I’d be.
Cal Weaver: There’s a turn off valve for the sprinkler, it’s over there.
Emily Weaver: You know, last week, you know when I told you that I had to work late. I really went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. I don’t know why I did that, and it was so bad, Cal.
Cal Weaver: If it keeps raining like this, you might want to turn off the automatic setting.
Emily Weaver: We haven’t been us, not for a long time. And I don’t know when you and I stopped being us. I mean, do you?
Cal Weaver: Maybe it’s when you screwed David Lindhagen.
[he gets into the truck and drives off]
[after being dumped by his friend, Cal sits at the bar drinking and ranting]
Cal Weaver: You know a word that is not used very often anymore? Cuckold. I’m cuckolded. David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me. He slept with my wife and I didn’t know about it! And that is the definition of cuckoldom. David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her. Uuch! Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house. What do I get for it? I get cuckolded? David Lindhagen cuckolded me, he made a cuckold out of me.
[Jacob who’s sitting at a table with a woman has been listening to Cal rant whistles at him and motions for Cal to come over, introduces himself and asks Cal to join him]
Cal Weaver: Hey, Cal. Sit down, I’d like to buy you a drink.
Jacob Palmer: Okay.
[Cal sits down]
Cal Weaver: Guess what? My wife is having an affair with David Lindha…
Jacob Palmer: David Lindhagen. David Lindhagen, I know. How do I know that?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know.
Jacob Palmer: I’m a total stranger. How would I know something so intimate about your wife?
Cal Weaver: David Lindhagen screwing your wife too?
Jacob Palmer: No. Do you want to know why I know that, Cal?
Cal Weaver: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: Cause it’s all that I’ve heard, Cal, for the past two nights. It’s all anybody’s heard. You’re going around, and you’re like, you’re badgering people with this sad, sack, loser, sob story and I don’t understand why.
Cal Weaver: You know, I don’t need this crap.
[Cal gets up to leave]
Jacob Palmer: No, sit down.
Cal Weaver: Alright.
Jacob Palmer: Look, I know that sounds harsh. But it’s true, and you need to hear the truth. Okay?
[Cal takes a sip of his drink through the straw in his glass]
Cal Weaver: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. Just for this conversation. Do you know what that looks like? It looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schvantz, is that what you want?
Cal Weaver: What?
Jacob Palmer: Is that the message you want to sent to everybody?
Cal Weaver: No one’s thinking that.
Jacob Palmer: Really? So, permission to speak candidly, sir.
Cal Weaver: I think you’ve already gone there.
Jacob Palmer: You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you’re getting drunk on watered Vodka Cranberries like a fourteen year old girl and you’re wearing a forty four when you should be wearing a forty two regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or I should euthanize you.
Jacob Palmer: Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair, you seem like a nice guy. I want to help you. I’m going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea, like where you lost it?
Cal Weaver: Strong case could be made for nineteen eighty four.
Jacob Palmer: Well, we’re going to find it. We are. I promise you. And I promise you this too, Cal. When we’re done, this wife of yours, she’s going to rue the day she ever decided to give up on you. That’s my offer. You in or you out?
Cal Weaver: Why are you doing this?
Jacob Palmer: Maybe you remind me of someone. You in or are you out?
Cal Weaver: I’m in.
Robbie Weaver: Can I tell you something? Love sucks!
[Cal laughs]
Cal Weaver: Yeah. You in love, buddy?
Robbie Weaver: Well, if you must know…
Jessica: Ding Dong!
[Jessica appears at the open door]
Cal Weaver: Oh, hey! Jess, thanks for coming by.
Jessica: Hey! Yeah.
Robbie Weaver: What is she doing here?
[referring to his apartment]
Cal Weaver: You’re mom wants you to stay here while she’s out hooking.
Robbie Weaver: What?
Cal Weaver: What?
[as Cal is about to leave Robbie and Molly in Jessica’s care whilst he goes out]
Robbie Weaver: Wait, we don’t need a babysitter! She’s only four years older than me. You need to know that! She needs to know that!
Cal Weaver: I know! I know! I know! I know! Man, are you growing up.
[turning to Jessica]
Cal Weaver: Look at him. He’s unbelievable, he’s in love already.
Jessica: Oh.
[Robbie puts sighs and put his head down in embarrassment]
[to Liz at Hannah’s goodbye lunch party]
Richard: Listen, when my girl here passes. I’m going to have another little celebration right here and I hope you can make it because it’s going to be a special night.
Liz: Okay.
[Richard kisses Hannah and sits back in his seat, Hannah turns to Liz]
Hannah: Did you hear that?
Liz: Hear what?
Hannah: You heard that?
Liz: What?
Hannah: Special night.
Liz: Yeah. Yeah.
Hannah: You think he’s going to propose?
Liz: At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not! Why? Do you want him to?
Hannah: Well, he’s nice.
Liz: He’s ni…! Hannah?
Hannah: He’s a sweetheart. Look at him?
[referring to Richard]
Liz: Hannah, look at you. Look at you! If you end up with that, what am I going to end up with?
Hannah: Shut up!
Liz: It’s just depressing!
Hannah: Oh, come on!
Liz: Alright, you know what? I have to, I have to not big sister you. It’s fine. It’s…
[she takes another long look at Richard]
Liz: Jesus, really? No! No! Not my life. Not my life. I’m going.
[meeting Jacob at the mall]
Jacob Palmer: Let me ask you a question, Cal. How much money have you got today for clothes?
Cal Weaver: Um…
Jacob Palmer: What happened to your feet?
Cal Weaver: What do you mean?
[looks down at his feet]
Cal Weaver: These are my four-o-sevens.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, the four-o-sevens. Can I see them?
Cal Weaver: Yep.
[Cal takes off his sneakers]
Cal Weaver: These offer a lot of support.
Jacob Palmer: Right.
[Cal hands his sneakers to Jacob and he throws them down the mall]
Cal Weaver: Woh!
Jacob Palmer: What are you, in a fraternity?
Cal Weaver: Are you insane?
Jacob Palmer: Are you in a fraternity?
Cal Weaver: You could have hit somebody! What was that?
Jacob Palmer: Are you? I’m asking you a question. Are you in a fraternity?
Cal Weaver: No!
Jacob Palmer: Are you Steve Jobs?
Cal Weaver: What?
Jacob Palmer: Hold on a second! Are you the billionaire owner of Apple computers?
Cal Weaver: No!
Jacob Palmer: Oh, okay. Well, in that case you got no right to wear new balance sneakers, ever!
[he slaps Cal in the face]
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
[looking at Cal as he’s trying on new clothes]
Jacob Palmer: You see, the problem is, your head is like, like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.
[to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
[Cal looks into a mirror]
Cal Weaver: It does.
[as Jacob is looking at some jeans for Cal]
Cal Weaver: I think I’m set for jeans.
Jacob Palmer: No, you’re not set for jeans, Cal.
[referring to the jeans he’s wearing]
Cal Weaver: These are fine.
Jacob Palmer: You have a mom butt. Is that what you want?
Cal Weaver: Why don’t we just go to The Gap? You know what? They have a s…
[Cal looks up to see Jacob’s left the shop]
Cal Weaver: Okay.
[Cal runs after Jacob]
Cal Weaver: What are you doing?
[Jacob takes hold of Cal’s face]
Jacob Palmer: Cal, you’re better than The Gap. You’re better than The Gap. Say it?
Cal Weaver: I’m better than The Gap.
[Jacob slaps Cal in the face]
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Cal Weaver: God! Stop slapping me. Really.
Cal Weaver: I feel kind of stupid, but…
[Cal comes of the changing room with his new suite and haircut]
Tiffany: Wow! Look at you!
Cal Weaver: I feel like I’m going skiing.
[to Tiffany as they look at Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Would you sleep with him?
Cal Weaver: Jesus! God!
Tiffany: Yeah, probably.
Cal Weaver: Wha…? You would?
[Cal laughs]
Cal Weaver: What? What are you even saying?
Jacob Palmer: You see what just happened, Cal? Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to sleep with you or not.
Cal Weaver: That’s probably the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Jacob Palmer: No. This is.
[he walks up to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband and probably as a lover.
Cal Weaver: You’re right, that’s meaner.
Jacob Palmer: So, let’s talk about how many women you’ve been with.
Cal Weaver: Sexually?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah. No, I mean break dance fighting!
Cal Weaver: One.
Jacob Palmer: No, not at one time. How many in total?
[Cal give Jacob a look]
Jacob Palmer: Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
Cal Weaver: We’d been to high school, okay?
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy! You’re kidding me? One woman? That’s great.
Cal Weaver: Emily is beautiful.
Jacob Palmer: I guess.
Cal Weaver: She was gorgeous. She was one of those women that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy!
Cal Weaver: There was a little blip in the senior year, but
Jacob Palmer: I’ve literally stopped listening to Emily.
Jacob Palmer: I think we should start approaching women tonight. Are you ready to go?
Cal Weaver: I miss my wife.
Jacob Palmer: I’m Jacob. What’s your name?
Amy Johnson: Amy Johnson.
Jacob Palmer: Amy Johnson, I’m Jacob Palmer, how are you doing?
[he gives her a high five]
Amy Johnson: Uh, great!
Jacob Palmer: Good.
Cal Weaver: I’m Cal.
[Cal puts up his to also give her high five]
Jacob Palmer: No. Not yet!
[turning to Amy]
Jacob Palmer: Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink?
Amy Johnson: Uh-uh.
[to Cal]
Jacob Palmer: Would you keep her company for a minute?
Cal Weaver: Of course.
Jacob Palmer: Okay.
Cal Weaver: I’d be happy to.
[to Amy]
Jacob Palmer: If he gets handsy, let me know.
[to Amy as Cal walks away]
Cal Weaver: I wouldn’t touch you, if my life depended on it!
[whilst waiting for Jacob to return from buying Amy a drink]
Amy Johnson: Uh, what’s your name?
Cal Weaver: Cal Weaver.
Amy Johnson: Cal Weaver…
Cal Weaver: No relation to Dennis Weaver.
Amy Johnson: Uuhh..
Cal Weaver: McCloud.
Amy Johnson: Uuhh…
Cal Weaver: McCloud was a show in the seventies that…
[Jacob walks over to them from the bar]
Cal Weaver: You’re not talking about McCloud again, are you?
David Lindhagen: Do you have a second?
Emily Weaver: Oh! Hi, David. No, cause I’m swamped. Okay?
David Lindhagen: You’ve been avoiding me.
Emily Weaver: No! I haven’t.
David Lindhagen: You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday. You’re very fast by the way.
Emily Weaver: I ran track in high school.
David Lindhagen: That must be it.
David Lindhagen: I like you, Emily. Do you have any idea how much I like you?
Emily Weaver: Hey, David you know, I really have a lot to do.
David Lindhagen: I had no intention of falling for a married woman, but I’m somewhere having lunch and I’m, I’m this accountant who’s waking up every morning excited to go to work. And that just does not happen for accountants, ever. I’ve checked with other accountants.
Emily Weaver: David, you know what? You’ve been a great friend, and you noticed last month when I got my hair trimmed and that was huge. But look trust me, you know, I am saving you from disaster, because you’re asking to pre-board the Titanic. Do you really want any part of this?
[Jessica receives a text from Robbie who’s texting her whilst in class]
Robbie Weaver: [text message] Hi, Jessica. FYI, Demi Moore is fifteen years older than Ashton K. They really seem happy. Love, Robbie.
[Jessica sends text reply to Robbie]
Jessica: [text message] Robbie, please stop. You are making me very uncomfortable.
[in class Robbie’s teacher is discussing the Scarlet Letter when she notices he’s texting]
Miss Tafferty: Mr. Weaver? Mr. Weaver, are we interrupting?
Robbie Weaver: You want to talk about the Scarlet Letter, Miss Tafferty? Alright.
[he stands up]
Robbie Weaver: Well, that ‘A’ they’re both wearing, I think it stands for ‘Asshole’. want to know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I’m sorry about all the assholes.
[talking about Cal]
Robbie Weaver: I mean he’s sad. I can tell that he’s sad, even though he looks better, but still can tell that he’s not happy. You know?
Emily Weaver: Yeah. Well, you know, yeah. I guess I’m pretty sad too.
Robbie Weaver: I know. I heard you crying in your bedroom the other night. I didn’t know what to do.
Emily Weaver: Oh, Robbie! Baby, you’re thirteen, you’re not supposed to know what to do.
Robbie Weaver: I tried Googling it.
Emily Weaver: You did not?
Robbie Weaver: Yep, I did.
Emily Weaver: What did you Google?
Robbie Weaver: I searched ‘mom crying in bed’.
Emily Weaver: Wha…what did Google say?
Robbie Weaver: Just, uh, bunch of weird videos of mom’s in bed…
Emily Weaver: Oh, God! Okay! Alright! That’s enough! No more! Uuch! Did those parental controls work at all?
Robbie Weaver: They work for me.
Emily Weaver: [laughing] Because you’re a disgusting teenager, that’s why!
David Lindhagen: So Robbie, I hear you’re quite the soccer player.
Robbie Weaver: So David, I hear you broke up my parents marriage. You are David Lindhaygen, right?
David Lindhagen: Lindhagen.
Robbie Weaver: Yeah. Here’s the thing, Lindhaygen.
David Lindhagen: Hagen.
Robbie Weaver: Whatever. In the end, she winds up back with my dad. He’s the better guy that you are, in every category, and she still love him. He’s not going to give up on my mom, just like I’m not going to stop Jessica text messages that make her feel uncomfortable.
[Cal and Robbie are exercising at the gym]
Jacob Palmer: Look, let’s face it, Cal. Alright. The war between the sexes is over. We won, okay? We won the second when women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
[next shot is of Cal sitting in the men’s changing room with Jacob standing next to him totally naked]
Jacob Palmer: But even though we won, they still deserve our respect. You know, make them feel beautiful, actually listen to their problems, open the door for them…
Cal Weaver: God! Would you put on some clothes, please!
Jacob Palmer: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this bothering you?
Cal Weaver: No! It’s not!
Jacob Palmer: Cal, my schvantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it’s not bothering you we got a bigger problem.
Cal Weaver: Okay, it bothers me.
Jacob Palmer: I don’t care.
[in the sauna, Cal is sitting whilst Jacob is standing next to him totally naked]
Jacob Palmer: You got to take control of your manhood, pal. You know? You want something, you take it. You don’t like something, you say it. I take what I want. David Lindhagen, he certainly took what he wanted, didn’t he? And I can guarantee you this, he is opening the car door for your wife right now.
[Cal starts to sway from the heat of the sauna]
Jacob Palmer: What, are you passing out?
[Cal sways and passes out, hitting his head on Jacob’s crotch]
Jacob Palmer: Oh, boy!
[sitting at a bar drinking]
Jacob Palmer: I think you’re ready, pal.
Cal Weaver: For what?
Jacob Palmer: To talk to a pretty lady and take her home and show her your gift.
Cal Weaver: Nope. No, I’m not.
Jacob Palmer: You’re as ready as you’re ever going to be. You play to your strengths, pal. That’s all any of us can do. I’m mysterious, I’m, you know, good in bed and you’re, you are a, uh, you know, stable employed adult.
Jacob Palmer: Jesus!
Jacob Palmer: You see this, this lady over here at nine o’clock?
[Cal looks over his shoulder at the blond woman sitting where Jacob is referring to]
Cal Weaver: You want me to hit on her?
Jacob Palmer: No, I want to hit on her. The one behind her.
[Cal looks over at woman sat behind the blond woman]
Jacob Palmer: She’s a total fox, right?
Cal Weaver: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: You think she came to a crowded bar to have a quite drink alone? She’s hunting. She’s just looking for an opportunity to settle for a responsible and stable adult, and I’d like her to settle for you.
Cal Weaver: Oh, well, thank you for the ego boost. But you know what? Just because I’ve watched you pick up women doesn’t mean that I know how to pick up women.
Jacob Palmer: You ever see Karate Kid?
Cal Weaver: What does that have to do with anything?
Jacob Palmer: You know, when he’s teaching him to wax and off, but he’s really teaching him to fight?
Cal Weaver: You want me to fight someone?
Jacob Palmer: What’s the first thing I do when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink.
Cal Weaver: Yes, always, without fail. You buy her a drink, even if she doesn’t want one, you insist.
Jacob Palmer: And do I talk about myself?
Cal Weaver: Never. Never talk about yourself, always about her.
Jacob Palmer: Because bar banter…
Cal Weaver: …is boring.
Jacob Palmer: It’s the worst.
Cal Weaver: So you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one. Impress me, impress me with how interesting you are. It’s a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy little game you play.
Jacob Palmer: Oh, that’s judgmental, isn’t it?
Cal Weaver: Mm-hmm.
Jacob Palmer: At the end of the night what do I do? Do I ask them to come home with me?
Cal Weaver: No, you tell them to come home with you. They have no choice in the matter, it’s your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to you.
[he suddenly realizes that Jacob has taught him a lot about picking up women]
Cal Weaver: Oh, my God! You did Miyagi me!
Jacob Palmer: Take your ring off. Let’s go.
[as they walk over the woman that Jacob wants Cal to pick up]
Jacob Palmer: Just no talking about your kids, your job, David Lindhagen. Don’t you dare!
Cal Weaver: Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!
[after Jacob and Cal have introduced themselves to Kate and Jacob leaves them]
Cal Weaver: So, can I buy you a drink, Kate?
Kate: Oh, no thank you.
Cal Weaver: I’m going to buy you a drink anyway.
[he motions for the waitress to come over and turns back to Kate]
Cal Weaver: Grey Goose, right? Rocks, two limes?
Kate: I’m five year sober
[the waitress comes over]
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Cal Weaver: Nothing! Nothing! Go away, we’re good. Please, don’t come back ever.
Kate: So what do you do, Cal?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know. What do you do, Kate?
Kate: I asked you first.
Cal Weaver: I asked you second.
[Kate laughs]
Kate: Seriously, what do you do?
Cal Weaver: Seriously, what do you do?
Kate: You really not going to tell me what you do?
Cal Weaver: Ahh!
Kate: Uh, okay. I’m a teacher.
Cal Weaver: Boring! Come on! You got to keep it interesting. Interest me.
Kate: Uh, I studied at Oxford University for five year…
Cal Weaver: Boring! Wow! Teacher with an alcoholic dependency who studied at Oxford. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Bluuh! England. Yuk!
Kate: You know, I think my friends just got here.
[annoyed she gets up to leave]
Cal Weaver: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[as Kate is about to leave the bar]
Cal Weaver: Okay, you know what? I’m in Corporate Insurance. I have children, plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn’t supposed to tell you about either. But I did, nice to meet you.
Kate: What were you supposed to tell me?
Cal Weaver: I don’t know! I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute. Which is actually something that I used to say to my wife, but now it’s become corrupted and I have eighteen layers of clothes on. I’m wearing a shirt and a tie and a sweater and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I’m just, it’s all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I’m, this sweater, this is called slim cut, but it feels like a scuba suite and I’m looking at your breasts. What’s that about?
Kate: You think I’m the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
Cal Weaver: That’s what you picked up from what I just said?
Kate: Mmmm.
[as Kate and Cal are making out when they walk the front door of Cal’s apartment]
Cal Weaver: So this is my crappy apartment. It’s comfy. It’s what I had to move into after my wife left.
[Kate kisses Cal]
Kate: You’re being so honest.
Cal Weaver: You like that?
Kate: It’s so different! It’s so hot!
[as they are making out]
Cal Weaver: You want to hear something else? Really?
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Cal Weaver: I’ve only had sex with one woman in my entire life.
Kate: Honest or not honest?
Cal Weaver: That’s honest.
[Kate screams and grabs hold of Cal again]
Kate: Tell me more.
Cal Weaver: I’m a little worried you have aids.
[suddenly Kate stops kissing him and tries to pull away]
Cal Weaver: Just a little, just a little bit. It’s okay, I’m not worried.
[Kate starts kissing him again]
Kate: What do you want to do with me?
Cal Weaver: Aah! I want to show you off to my ex-wife, make her really jealous.
[suddenly Kate screams and jumps onto Cal]