Starring: Nasim Pedrad, Lamorne Morris, Anna Camp, Robbie Amell, Heather Graham, Sarah Burns
OUR RATING: ★★½
Netflix’s comedy directed by LP. The story follows Wesley (Nasim Pedrad), who after sending an angry email to the guy of her dreams, Jared (Robbie Amell) after believing she’s getting ghosted by him, rushes to Mexico, with her reluctant friends in tow, in a desperate attempt to erase her email before Jared gets a chance to read it.
|Copyright Notice: It’s easy to see when our quotes have been copied and pasted, as you’re also copying our format, mistakes, and movie scene descriptions. If you decide to copy our movie quotes please be kind and either link back, or refer back to our site. Please check out our copyright policies here. Thanks!|
[Wesley is being interviewed for guidance counselor position at a Catholic school]
Principal Judy: Okay, well, why don’t we just do a scenario here? Let’s say a student comes to you to tell you that her boyfriend is pressuring her to get physical.
Wesley: First of all, f*** that guy. You know, I would shut that down. Yeah, I would use it as an opportunity to teach her she doesn’t need a boy to fulfill her. She can fulfill herself.
Principal Judy: Spiritually.
Wesley: Oh, no, no. Physically.
Brooke: You are f***ing nuts. Who rambles on to a nun about sex?
Wesley: I mean, it’s like I knew I shouldn’t go there, but in the moment I was like, “I should go there.”
Brooke: There’s the things that you say when you have the job, and things that you say when you want the job.
Kaylie: Sweetie, don’t compare yourself to other people. It’s a loser’s game.
Wesley: I thought by the time I was thirty, I’d be married with like this dope career, and a couple kids.
Brooke: Ugh! Being married is not the answer. Dave cheated on me, so you never know how that’s going to go.
Brooke: You know what? Why don’t you just chill on the guys until you find a job, you know? One crisis at a time.
Wesley: Okay, Brooke. Yeah, I’ll just casually take a year off of dating while my ovaries rust and grow barnacles.
Kaylie: Oh, Wes, there’s always a silver lining. Even on corroded ovaries.
[over the phone]
Wesley: I always feel like, on a blind date, you should have an automatic out. You show up, say hi, no chemistry? Just say no. Over. I’m talking to you right now, I literally don’t care about you.
Sean: You could get hit by a bus, could care less.
Wesley: [chuckles] I know. Exactly.
[during their blind date]
Sean: I’m using my automatic out.
Wesley: I’m sorry, what?
Sean: Remember, “automatic out”, what we spoke about over the phone. If I want to leave, if you want to leave, no harm, no foul? I’m using that right now.
Wesley: Okay, we were riffing. We were having a fun time. Have you never been on a date?
Sean: I mean, come on now. You were dropping marriage, kids, wedding in five seconds flat.
Wesley: Not with us!
Sean: Wesley, you seem like a great girl. The timing’s not right for me.
Wesley: Guess what? The timing isn’t great for me either, Sean. Want to know why? Because I’ve had a year from hell, alright? I’ve had seventeen s**tty job interviews. Twice as many bad dates. Okay, my car was destroyed. I’m on a budget, so I steal food from the kid I babysit, and all of my birds died this year. And my hair is falling out of my head because I blow it out five times a week. And despite my best efforts, I’m still treading water, sitting here on dates with dudes like you, wondering what my life is going to be like.
[after her disastrous date with Sean and meeting Jared]
Wesley: Now I know what my problem is. I’ve been being too myself. Yeah. I discovered the secret to men. Don’t speak. Look, I’m just facing the facts. My personality is an acquired taste.
Kaylie: Hmm. I love the way your personality tastes.
[referring to her book by Angel de la Paz]
Kaylie: Listen, the book says, the universe throws a bunch of darkness your way that you have to suffer through in order to find your true path so that you can appreciate the good things when they come. Like Jared.
Wesley: Thank God. I’m just so relieved. I was starting to think I was cursed.
Brooke: You always think you’re cursed.
[referring to Jared]
Brooke: What do you actually know about this guy?
Wesley: He wants kids. He owns a duvet cover. He liked me with a slight concussion. What more do I want?
Kaylie: What does he know about you?
Wesley: He knows that I’m pretty f***ing sexy when I’m not talking so much.
Brooke: Okay, so you’re going to start off a relationship by pretending to be a completely different person?
[to Wesley during their date]
Jared: I think you may be the perfect girl.
[after Jared doesn’t contact her for a few days]
Wesley: Do you want to know what sucks?
Wesley: Jared’s rejecting me, and he doesn’t even know me.
Kaylie: And there’s still a chance he’s dead.
Wesley: You guys are the best.
[after she’s decided to email Jared]
Wesley: “In case you’re wondering, I’m doing great.”
Brooke: Yeah, you are.
Wesley: “Except for the fact that, five days ago,your p**is entered my v***na, and I haven’t heard from you since.
[continuing to write the email to Jared]
Kaylie: “May you get drunk and get a dumb unicorn tattoo.”
Brooke: “Suck on this, b**ch.”
Wesley: “Here’s a little treat for the woman you’re going to torture next. Your d**k is bad. It’s legit thin.”
Brooke: Eggplant emoji. Eggplant emoji. Eggplant emoji. Eggplant emoji!
Wesley: “Please stop hashtagging all of your Instagrams #photography.”
Wesley: “Everything on Instagram is a photograph. Try hashtag thin d**k.”
Kaylie: “You suck at Instagram. Why don’t you close up shop, d**k?”
Brooke: Wooh! Yeah, you guys! He sucks his own little thin d**k, hard.
Wesley: “There’s an art to going down on a girl.”
Brooke: Wooh! Yes!
[after getting a call from Jared]
Jared: Wes, is that you? It’s Jared. Can you hear me? I have a bad connection. I’m in Mexico.
Wesley: [scoffs] So, what? You’re like calling me from some beach?
Jared: No, I’m in the hospital. Um, I was in a bit of a car accident. I broke my foot, bruised a lung, and fractured a couple of vertebrae.
Jared: Yeah, they had me in a medically induced coma.
Wesley: You were in a coma?
Jared: Wes, thanks for being so cool about me not calling. Most girls would’ve freaked out.
Wesley: You know me. It takes a lot to get me worked up.
Jared: Yeah, I know. That’s what I love about you. You’re so reasonable. You might be the last normal girl left in LA.
Brooke: Oh, I have an idea. We’ll just send him another email. Subject line, “Do not read the last email.”
Wesley: No! What’s wrong with you? Don’t do that! If I got an email saying, “Don’t read the last email,” that is the first thing I would do!
Brooke: F***, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m drunk.
[as Wesley decides to write another email]
Brooke: It’s going to be okay. Just write him something really sweet.
Wesley: “My tender heart. My angel whisperer.”
Brooke: What are you, naming Care Bears?
Brooke: Do you know his password?
Wesley: No, I don’t know his password. We’ve been dating a month.
Brooke: I knew Dave’s by day five. I wouldn’t blow him until he told me.
Wesley: There’s got to be something we could do.
Kaylie: Just tell him you are possessed.
Wesley: Because that makes him want to date me.
Brooke: Tell him you love thin d**ks.
Wesley: But I don’t.
Kaylie: “I have a drinking problem.”
Wesley: None of these things are going to make him want to continue dating me.
Wesley: You guys, I want you to take this really seriously. Would it be insane if I went to Mexico and erased the email?
[at the same time]
Wesley: Come on, guys. It’s one hour of burglary, and two days by the pool. Okay? This is all I have. If Jared reads that email, my life is over.
Brooke: Wesley, stop. Please, just stop. Okay, this pitch is fricking horrible. But I love you, and I do want to see you happy.
Wesley: I love you too. Come on.
Brooke: I can’t believe that I’m going to say this, but let’s go break into some dude’s room.
[to Sean after seeing him in Cabo at their hotel]
Wesley: Oh, what? You think I followed you here like a lunatic because I’m so obsessed with you? No. I followed someone else here like a lunatic, because I’m so obsessed with him.
Brooke: Please tell me you have a plan to find Jared’s room.
Kaylie: She doesn’t have a plan.
Brooke: She never has a plan.
[as Kaylie is helping Brooke pick up a guy at the hotel bar]
Brooke: Oh, I’m sorry. You thought that I was trying to pick you up?
Mandals: I’m sorry, what else are we doing here?
Brooke: I’m sorry. It’s just, you’re wearing man-sandals and like five million bracelets.
Goatee: I told you just to pick one bracelet.
Mandals: I can’t pick just one bracelet. They’re all f***ing cool.
Brooke: Should’ve picked one.
Brooke: Yeah, I don’t want to just like have sex with anybody, okay? I mean, I haven’t even broken the seal in like a year.
Kaylie: Woh, you haven’t had sex in a year?
Brooke: What am I supposed to do, Kaylie? I mean, do I divorce Dave? Or do I forgive him? Is murder on the table?
Kaylie: You should come see Angel de la Paz with me.
Brooke: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Kaylie: Five minutes, you’ll get clarity, and I’ll get a baby.
Brooke: Wait, they give you a baby in five minutes?
Kaylie: Yes. It’s a very quick gestation period.
[as Wesley turns up at the bar with a large pillow covering her nakedness]
Brooke: What is happening?
Wesley: My boyfriend’s not imaginary.
Sean: So he’s a ghost?
Wesley: Well, almost. You’re going to give me so much s**t for this. I sent Jared a really mean email because I thought he had ghosted me. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and it turns out he had not ghosted me, but was in a coma, here.
Sean: So you’re here to like apologize, or something like that, or…
Wesley: Well, I came here to break into his room and delete the email.
Sean: [chuckles] Oh, boy!
What do you think of Desperados quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments below as we’d love to know.