Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Zach Galifianakis, Michelle Monaghan, Jamie Foxx , Juliette Lewis, Danny McBride, RZA, Matt Walsh, Brody Stevens, Todd Phillips, Keegan Michael Key, Aaron Lustig, Jon Cryer, Charlie Sheen
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Comedy directed and co-written by Todd Phillips. The story follows Peter Highman (Robert Downey Jr.), who has to catch a flight to Atlanta as his wife, Sarah (Michelle Monaghan) is about to give birth. However, a chance encounter with aspiring actor, Ethan Tremblay (Zach Galifianakis), throws a monkey wrench into his plans and his sanity is tested as he has to endure a road trip cross-country with dog-toting Ethan.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 90)
[first lines; talking into the phone through a Bluetooth ear piece]
Peter Highman: I just had the strangest dream. It’s Friday, we’re at the hospital, but it’s not a hospital, it’s a forest of sorts. And, uh, I know that because right next to you there’s a bear.
Peter Highman: And all of a sudden you begin to deliver and, uh, I can’t, I can’t get to you. But the bear can. The next thing I know he is holding our beautiful baby boy and here’s where it gets odd. Uh, he chews the chord, but strangely I’m okay with it. That’s got to be a good sign.
Peter Highman: Theodore. Loved it. But remember that article I told you about? Naming kids after famous people? I just don’t want Teddy to think that he’s a failure if he doesn’t find about his face on Mount Rushmore.
Peter Highman: Uh, Arthur. Ahhh, this was tough cause Arthur it’s mythological, round table, the whole deal. but the name game, remember that? The name game? Arthur bo Bart, banana fanna fo Fart!
Peter Highman: Uh, brings us to Cassey, this whole next school of names; Casey, Jordan, Dillinger, Taylor, Tyler and probably mostly Skyler, are all names that could also be girls names. I mean why don’t we just cut to the chase and call him Cindy.
[after Ethan’s friend has crashed into Peter’s driver’s car]
Ethan Tremblay: You okay? Sorry about my friend, I think he’s been drinking.
Peter Highman: You smell a little boozy too. You guy’s been drinking and driving together?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, we haven’t been drinking. We had a split of six pack of forties but, you know what? My father always had a saying; “When a day starts like this it’s all uphill from here.
Peter Highman: That’s actually incorrect.
Ethan Tremblay: No. He, my dad, he said…
Peter Highman: Uphill? No, it’s all downhill from here.
Ethan Tremblay: But everybody wants to be up, nobody wants to be down. So, it’s all uphill from here.
Peter Highman: But it’s easier as you go downhill. So your dad didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.
[when the airport screener finds drugs Peter’s bag]
Airport Screener: You packed your bag yourself, sir?
Peter Highman: Yes, but not that. I’ve never done drugs in my life. This is absol…this is crazy.
Airport Screener: Maybe you’re a drug mule.
Peter Highman: Drug mule? Do I look like a drug mule?
Airport Screener: I don’t know. How drug mules look?
Peter Highman: Well, you’re the expert.
Airport Screener: What, like me?
Peter Highman: Who said that?
Airport Screener: You’re eyes, you’re eyes saying ‘more like me’…
Peter Highman: Did my face say something?
Airport Screener: …You’re eyes are saying ‘more like me’.
Peter Highman: Did my mouth say anything? I don’t think you look like a…
[the airport screener keeps tossing the clothes in Peter’s bag]
Peter Highman: Do you mind not tossing it up so much?
[airport screener takes a sock out of the bag and smell it]
Airport Screener: Woh! Funky mother fucker, ain’t you?
Peter Highman: You are so inappropriate it’s crazy.
Airport Screener: Wow, I’ve been called a lot of things, man. But inappropriate, that’s some fucked up shit, yo!
[after Ethan is seated on the plane in the seat behind Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, you know what? I think we switched our bags at the curb.
Peter Highman: I know we did. Your bag was confiscated. It had paraphernalia in it, marijuana pipe.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, that’s a medical apparatus. I have glycoma.
[Peter whispers under his breath sarcastically]
Peter Highman: I’m sure you have glycoma.
[Peter is typing a text message as the flight attendant announces that passengers should switch off their cell phones]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey bud, they made the announcement. You should turn that off.
Peter Highman: Yeah, I got it.
Ethan Tremblay: Okay, just turn it off. You know why?
Peter Highman: I’m going to turn it off.
Ethan Tremblay: I think they get a little uneasy because they know that terrorists used their cell phones to trigger bombs in their luggage.
[Peter turns around and motions Ethan to be quite]
Peter Highman: It’s not a word you’ll want to me saying.
Ethan Tremblay: Which word? Terrorist or bomb?
Peter Highman: Now you said both the words you shouldn’t say!
Flight Attendant: Excuse me sir, um, would you and your friend mind stepping to the front of the plane?
Peter Highman: My friend?!
Flight Attendant: I’m sorry. I need you to come with me please.
Peter Highman: Well, I, listen. This clown…
[getting up from his seat and pointing to Ethan]
Peter Highman: I’ve never seen before in my life
Ethan Tremblay: That’s not entirely true, we switched bags at the curb side.
Peter Highman: That was an accident and he had, he had…
Air Marshall: Sir. Sir. Federal Air Marshall, please step to the front of the plane.
Peter Highman: What? Why?
Drop the device.
Peter Highman: It’s not a device, it’s a Blackberry.
[the Air Marshall point a gun at Peter]
Air Marshall: Drop the device, asshole!
Peter Highman: What are you going to do, rent-a-cop? You going to shoot me in front of everyone?
[the Air Marshall shoots his gun and Peter falls down unconscious]
Air Marshall: It’s okay everyone, he’ll be fine. It’s only a rubber bullet.
[the passengers start to clap]
Peter Highman: When’s the next flight?
TSA Agent: Probably in an hour, but you won’t be on it.
Peter Highman: Why’s that?
TSA Agent: You’re on the no fly list.
Peter Highman: Why?
TSA Agent: It says right here.
[points to the release forms that Peter is signing]
TSA Agent: you and your friend.
Peter Highman: Who?
TSA Agent: The gentleman I just interviewed.
Peter Highman: I’ve never seen that dip shit before in my life.
TSA Agent: Really?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
TSA Agent: He had nothing but nice things to say about you.
Peter Highman: I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back to Los Angeles. This is a huge misunderstanding. What am I supposed to do?
TSA Agent: Have you ever seen the movie, Forrest Gump?
Peter Highman: Yes.
TSA Agent: Well, he ran across the country and he was pretty stupid. So, I have faith in you. You’re free to leave.
[on the phone to Sarah, Peter’s just told her that he’s been put on the no fly list]
Sarah Highman: What did you do, Peter? Did you snap at somebody?
Peter Highman: No. I did not. I was cool, calm and collected the whole time. I was completely in my rights.
Sarah Highman: You get so carried away sometimes. How are you going to get home?
Peter Highman: Well, I have a plan and the plan is sorting itself out. But my wallet is traveling.
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you.
Peter Highman: Stay away from me.
[Sarah is listening to their conversation through the phone]
Peter Highman: You’re trouble.
Ethan Tremblay: But I found something of yours
Peter Highman: Honey, this might all be solved. I’ll call you right back.
[Ethan shows up at the airport rent-a-car in a rental car]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, you want a ride with us?
Peter Highman: No. I’m fine. I’m not really a bid dog person.
Ethan Tremblay: Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I tell ya I have a really great personality once you get to know me.
Peter Highman: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
Ethan Tremblay: I got ninety friends on Facebook, twelve of them are pending, but I got ninety friends.
Ethan Tremblay: What’s your name?
Peter Highman: Peter.
Ethan Tremblay: My name’s Ethan. Ethan Tremblay. And this little guy.
[holds up his dog]
Ethan Tremblay: This little butterball, this is Sonny. And we would be honored to have you ride with us. Come on, it’ll be fun.
[Peter goes to open the car door when Ethan suddenly drives away he then reverses back to Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: [laughs] Woo! JK. LOL. HI. Hop in.
[trying to make conversation with Peter during the drive]
Ethan Tremblay: What age did you lose your virginity?
Peter Highman: I’m not going to discuss that with you.
Ethan Tremblay: I was nine years old.
Peter Highman: [dryly] Boy!
Ethan Tremblay: Great gal. Great gal. Sheila Pimples.
Peter Highman: I’m kind of getting a headache and it’s not because of you, it’s just I’m under a lot of pressure.
Peter Highman: Ethan, what brought you to Atlanta? Business or pleasure?
Ethan Tremblay: My daddy died. I went to Atlanta to go to his funeral.
Peter Highman: Jee, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.
Ethan Tremblay: He was great guy, man. That’s why I’m heading out west. He’s the one that kind of motivated me to get onto TV.
Peter Highman: TV?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.
Peter Highman: Tough business to break into. So competitive. I have a friend, he’s in that industry.
Ethan Tremblay: Does he work on Two and a Half Men?
Peter Highman: No. He, um…
Ethan Tremblay: Well then that’s too bad. Because Two and a Half Men is the reason I wanted to become an actor.
Peter Highman: Right.
Ethan Tremblay: Specially the second season.
Ethan Tremblay: It would nice is if we could stop off at the Grand Canyon.
Peter Highman: We’re not going to the Grand Canyon. I’ll tell you why, that would be easily a hundred and twenty miles off our optimum route.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s too bad.
[he looks a coffee can he’s holding in his hand]
Ethan Tremblay: Cause daddy would have loved Grand Canyon.
Peter Highman: Why do you even have this?
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, cause this is my daddy. These are his ashes.
Peter Highman: Why are your father’s ashes in a coffee can?
Ethan Tremblay: Because he’s dead, Peter.
Peter Highman: I know, I know that.
Ethan Tremblay: Don’t you listen to anything that anybody else says?
Peter Highman: The thing is, normal people put remains in an urn.
[holding up the coffee can]
Ethan Tremblay: This is vacuum sealed.
Peter Highman: Ethan, you broke the seal when you poured out the coffee, then you poured your father’s remains in there and then you closed it. That didn’t reseal it!
Ethan Tremblay: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
[Ethan sneezes and blows his nose]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, God! I shouldn’t have come here. I’m allergic to waffles.
Peter Highman: Why’re you making a pit stop in Birmingham, Alabama? We got, we got to make time.
Ethan Tremblay: Because I left my glycoma medication on the plane?
Peter Highman: Wait, wait, wait! Your what? You mean your weed?
Ethan Tremblay: It’s medical marijuana, Peter.
Peter Highman: No, it’s weed.
Ethan Tremblay: Why do you have to make everything so dark?
Peter Highman: It’s not dark, it’s weed. And I’m saying I really don’t want to stop and buy drugs.
Ethan Tremblay: You know what, I didn’t want to play this card. Certainly not this early, but guess what? Guess who’s got the Subaru Impreza? Me! Guess who’s got all the money? Me! Guess who’s got a winning personality? Me! What do you have? You have a nice hair line, fine. You have a strong jaw, fine. But I got to tell you something, mister. Your personality needs some work. My God! Now do you want a ride to California or not?
Peter Highman: Yes, please.
Ethan Tremblay: Good. Hold dad.
[he goes to give Peter the coffee can but Peter drops it]
Peter Highman: I’m sorry! I got, I got it. I got it.
Ethan Tremblay: It’s like, God almighty! Holy moly! It’s like traveling with a child.
Peter Highman: Did you use the rest room?
Ethan Tremblay: Good point. I need to take a pee-pee.
[Ethan takes Peter’s cell phone and starts talking to Sarah]
Ethan Tremblay: I wanted to let you know I have your package and he is A-Okay and I will have him delivered by Thursday.
Sarah Highman: Thank you so much.
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, Sarah one other thing. Do you have a hairdresser out west? I just got this killer perm and it needs some major up keep.
Sarah Highman: I’m sorry, did you just say that you have a perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah. A perm, like a permanent.
[Sarah hears Peter through the phone]
Peter Highman: It’s heinous.
Ethan Tremblay: Do you mind!
Sarah Highman: Uh, can I just talk to my husband, please?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, yeah. Okay, hold on.
[he passes Peter’s cell phone back to Peter]
Peter Highman: I know.
[on the phone to Sarah]
Peter Highman: So that’s what I’m dealing with.
Sarah Highman: Oh, my God!
Peter Highman: Yep. God bless us all.
Heidi: Are you a cop?
Peter Highman: Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist?
Heidi: Okay, you just look really official. And you know if I ask you if you’re a cop, and you are cop, you have to say yes.
Peter Highman: That’s a myth. That’s actually incorrect. But I’m not.
Ethan Tremblay: No, he’s an architect.
Peter Highman: I’m an architect, so.
Heidi: Wait, it’s a myth?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
Heidi: [laughs] Shit! I did not know that this whole fucking time. You’re fucking scary is what you are. Come in, Ethan. The pharmacy is in Kitchen.
Ethan Tremblay: Nice perm, man. Well done. Well done on that perm.
Barry: Oh, thanks bro. It’s not a perm, it’s natural. Nobody gets perms anymore. Wait, wait,don’t tell me, is that a perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, it’s a perm.
[Heidi starts to laugh]
Heidi: Oh, my God! You did not perm your hair?
Barry: Where do you even get perms anymore?
Heidi: I know! It’s like…
Ethan Tremblay: I was just kidding about. This isn’t a perm.
Barry: Excuse me?
Ethan Tremblay: That’s not, this isn’t a perm. I was just joking.
Heidi: [laughing] Oh, my God! Thank God! Cause I was…
Barry: You got us.
Heidi: I was like…
Barry: You got us both.
Heidi: …only you know, these like fucking jerk offs get perms.
Barry: That was good.
Heidi: That was hilarious.
Barry: Very good.
[after Ethan has done a monologue from The Godfather, Barry starts to clap]
Heidi: That’s amazing. I had chills at that second paragraph when the line, the murder. That is so fucking good, Ethan.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you. I’ve been working on the hand gesture, you know, just to get it right.
Barry: Did you write that yourself?
Ethan Tremblay: No, the mafia wrote it.
[after finding out the Ethan has spent most of his money on buying drugs]
Peter Highman: What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?
Ethan Tremblay: I don’t think in those terms.
Peter Highman: What terms do you think in?
Ethan Tremblay: I’m not going to count them, Peter. I’m not even Jewish!
Peter Highman: Are you an adult?
Ethan Tremblay: Of course I’m an adult. I’m twenty three years old.
Peter Highman: You are the most shot-out twenty three year old I’ve ever seen. How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in car?
Ethan Tremblay: I’ve done that.
Peter Highman: How have you survived? That’s my question?
Ethan Tremblay: Mostly luck.
Peter Highman: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just dumb fucking luck.
[at the cashier counter getting money wired to Ethan’s account]
Lonnie: Here we go. Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay. I just need to see an ID.
[Ethan passes his ID papers]
Ethan Tremblay: There you go.
[looks at Ethan’s ID card]
Lonnie: Yeah, this doesn’t say Tremblay. It says Ethan Chase.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, jeepers creepers. He’s right, he’s right.
Peter Highman: What do you mean he’s right?
Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.
[looks at Lonnie]
Ethan Tremblay: I’m an actor.
Peter Highman: Stage name?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.
Peter Highman: What’s your real name?
Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Chase. But it doesn’t sound like an actor’s name.
Peter Highman: Ethan Chase sounds like the name of an actor. Ethan Tremblay doesn’t make any God damn sense. Okay, it’s confusing, it sounds like it was made up.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, I made it up.
Peter Highman: Ethan, I know you made it up. It’s your fucking stage name. Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name?
Ethan Tremblay: I wasn’t thinking.
Peter Highman: Right.
Ethan Tremblay: I’m just trying to commit to the new name.
[Ethan shows one of his acting photo head shot as another proof of ID for his stage name]
Lonnie: What the fuck is this?
Peter Highman: That’s, uh…
Ethan Tremblay: An ID.
Peter Highman: It’s a photo ID.
Lonnie: I can’t accept this either.
Ethan Tremblay: Why?
Lonnie: Why? Because, it’s a picture of yourself. Anyone can take a picture in a beautiful turtle neck with their hands crossed and whatever name they want.
Peter Highman: But why go to all that trouble just for five hundred bucks?
Lonnie: I don’t know why you would, but you could.
Peter Highman: So now I get to call my pregnant wife and have her drive all the way back to Western Union to start this whole process all over again, send it to the correct name and we’ll be good.
Lonnie: Absolutely, right. But we’ll have to do that tomorrow, because we close in five minutes.
Peter Highman: It’s six thirty-five, sir.
Lonnie: What are you, my fucking boss? You make the hours here? I say we close, close in five minutes. I got reservation at Chili’s, I’m meeting my boys.
Peter Highman: You have a reservation at Chili’s?
Lonnie: Mm-hmm.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s actually smart. I mean it gets busy on a Wednesday night.
[Peter gives Lonnie a long silent stare]
Lonnie: What, are you going to stare at me?
Peter Highman: Why don’t you do your fucking job until your shift is over, hillbilly?
Lonnie: Yeah, keep dreaming fagot. There’s no way in hell.
Ethan Tremblay: I’m sorry about my friend. We really just need the money to get to Los Angeles, so he can be there for the birth of his first child.
Lonnie: Well, that’s such a sweet story. You know where I was when my daughter was born?
Peter Highman: Chili’s?
Lonnie: Iraq. How about I call my staff sergeant in Fallujah and tell him your little sob story, see what he thinks, huh?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, that means, aren’t you closing? Isn’t this going to take long time?
Peter Highman: He’s being sarcastic, Ethan. And also letting us know that he’s a battled hardened veteran, who probably did some half-assed tour and talks about it all the time.
Ethan Tremblay: How dare you!
[he spits at Peter which lands on counter window]
Peter Highman: Smooth move, vet.
Ethan Tremblay: You are sick!
Lonnie: You fucked up, big time.
[Lonnie pulls his chair down and leaves his counter]
Peter Highman: I fucked up?
Ethan Tremblay: Yep.
Peter Highman: I fucked up big time? You spit on your own window.
[Lonnie comes out from behind the counter, he’s in a wheelchair]
Lonnie: Hey, sport? What were you saying about my half-assed tour of duty?
Peter Highman: I’m sorry. I had no idea.
Lonnie: No idea what? That I’m handicapable?
Peter Highman: You’re handicapable. That’s great.
Lonnie: How could you know?
Peter Highman: I couldn’t know and I didn’t and I’m sorry. Can I tell you something? Honestly, it’s my fault. I’m, I’m just having a bad day.
Lonnie: You had a bad day?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
Lonnie: It’s about to get to get a whole lot worse.
[he pulls out a metal stick]
Peter Highman: Okay, you want to put that away…
[he starts to beat up Peter and then Ethan]
Peter Highman: Why you have a stage name is beyond me. You’re not even really an actor.
Ethan Tremblay: What does that mean, really an actor? What is a real actor?
Peter Highman: A real actor is someone who can really act.
Ethan Tremblay: Well go ahead then, give me an action, give me a scene.
Peter Highman: I’m not going to, no, I don’t want to.
Ethan Tremblay: You should.
Peter Highman: Okay. I’m Julia Roberts, uh, you have terminal cancer, we’re engaged. Break the news to me.
Ethan Tremblay: Julia Roberts, as you know we’re engaged. I have terminal cancer.
[Peter stares at Ethan]
Peter Highman: Awful.
Ethan Tremblay: What?
Peter Highman: Sorry, that’s my feedback.
Ethan Tremblay: I thought that was really good.
Peter Highman: Nope.
Peter Highman: I’ll give you one more shot. Uh, it’ super bowl Sunday. You’re a coach with a spotty career, you’re down thirty one points, you bust into the locker room and you fire your guys up. All or nothing! Action.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s stupid, that would never be in a movie.
[Ethan walks out of the bathroom]
Peter Highman: It’s in a movie every two years. Every two years.
[laughs to himself. Ethan comes back into the bathroom and starts acting out the scene]
Ethan Tremblay: Okay guys, we need to get out there. Really need to get going. Paul what are you doing? You acted like a girl out there! What are you a girl or something? Jackson, come on man! You got to get yourself together, this is, what are you a girl or something?
Peter Highman: Let’s up the stakes. Your wife calls, she wants a divorce.
Ethan Tremblay: The coach’s wife?
Peter Highman: The coach you’re playing, his wife calls, she wants a divorce. Ring, ring.
[acting out the scene, Ethan speaks into his cell phone]
Ethan Tremblay: Hello.
[he listens to his pretend call for a few seconds]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey fellas, this going to be a minute. It’s my wife, she wants a divorce.
[he starts talking into his cell phone again]
Ethan Tremblay: Hi, sweet heart. What’s that? No, don’t. This is not a good time.
[he begins to cry]
Ethan Tremblay: Where’s your dad?
Peter Highman: Uh, no idea.
Ethan Tremblay: When’s the last time you saw him?
Peter Highman: 1977.
Ethan Tremblay: Ooh! Ouch!
Peter Highman: Yep. Came into my room and said; ‘Petey, I got an important job for you. You need to wake me up five thirty tomorrow morning.’ And I was ecstatic, because he never asked me to do anything. I didn’t even know if I existed in his eyes. So, this was a big deal. I was so excited I set the alarm clock, I could barely sleep. I just watch it all night, it went off at five thirty. I snuck into his room, I gingerly wake him up. He smiled at me, first time I ever saw him, uh, smile. But he had his bags packed right at the front door, he picked them up put them in the back of his car and, uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him.
[Ethan starts to laugh]
Ethan Tremblay: That is so funny!
[he keeps on laughing]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh my gosh! My dad would never do that, he loved me.
[Peter’s trying to sleep, with Ethan sat next to him in the car]
Peter Highman: What’s that sound?
Ethan Tremblay: What sound?
Peter Highman: Mmm, it stopped.
[the faint tapping sound starts again]
Peter Highman: Okay, it’s back.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, that’s me. I’m just masturbating.
Peter Highman: What? Why?
Ethan Tremblay: This is how I go to sleep.
Peter Highman: Oh, don’t, don’t, don’t. Don’t, don’t, don’t! Come on, man. I’m right here next to you.
Ethan Tremblay: Shut your eyes, Peter.
Peter Highman: They’re closed. The sound!
Ethan Tremblay: Just bear with me.
Peter Highman: How long is this going to take?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, if you keep interrupting me it will take a little bit longer. But usually it just takes about thirty five minutes.
Peter Highman: Is that all?
[after leaving Ethan and taking the car, Peter finds the coffee can with the ashes of Ethan’s father, he stops the car, gets out and goes to throw the can but stops]
Peter Highman: Okay. Uh, we are gathered here in the presence of the lord and all things holy to celebrate the passing of one mister, I don’t remember his fucking name! Chase or aka Tremblay. May he forever reside and dwell in the sun light of the spirit. Amen.
[he turns to leave but turns around again]
Peter Highman: You know, I just want to offer an explanation, sir, as to why you wound up on the side of state 20. It’s not your fault, it’s your kid. He’s an incredibly difficult person to travel with. In fact I don’t know how or why you didn’t just strangle him in the fucking crib.
[Peter drives back and sees Ethan sitting on his suitcase]
Peter Highman: Hey, buddy.
Ethan Tremblay: Forget something?
Peter Highman: No, I got, uh, I got coffee, dunking donuts.
Ethan Tremblay: I thought maybe you left me.
Peter Highman: No, I just, I pick up breakfast so that we could eat up on the road and make up time.
Ethan Tremblay: Why’d you leave my stuff out here?
Peter Highman: Cause it’s your property.
[Ethan thinks about this for a few seconds]
Ethan Tremblay: It makes sense.
[referring to his father]
Ethan Tremblay: Nothing he loved more than jazz music and women’s titties
[Peter reclines the car seat back so that he can sleep]
Ethan Tremblay: Did I snore last night?
Peter Highman: Mm-hmm.
Ethan Tremblay: Sorry. I’m a deep sleeper, it’s a condition. You know when they say; ‘I think I can sleep through and earthquake.’ Well, I’ve actually slept through an earthquake. I also fell asleep through a job interview at Made for America.
Peter Highman: I didn’t sleep last night. I’m going to try now.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, you really should have masturbated. Cause I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.
[Peter walks out of the hospital after Ethan has crashed the car from falling asleep]
Peter Highman: Stay away from me.
Ethan Tremblay: Jeez Louise! Are you okay?
Peter Highman: Am I okay?! Do I look okay, huh? I have a broken arm, I have three cracked ribs, I have seven stitches in my fucking arm pit! Does that answer your question? No. Not okay.
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I’m terribly sorry.
Peter Highman: Are you? Look, Sonny’s all banged up, I’m a wreck. You don’t have scratch, do you?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, the doctor said I was in such a deep sleep that I didn’t tense up. I told you I was a deep sleeper.
Peter Highman: Yeah, you did. Did the doctor say that it’s not medically advisable to fall asleep while you’re driving?
Ethan Tremblay: I was just trying to rest my eyes for a few seconds. But seriously next time try not to tense up.
[as Peter’s friend comes to pick him from the hospital, he stops Ethan from coming with him]
Peter Highman: No not us, just me. We’re done and by the way it’s been a fucking pleasure. But just so my conscious is clear, let me let you know why you’re not coming with us, okay. It’s not because you got me kicked off a plane and shot by an Air Marshal. It’s not because you stood idly by as I had my ass handed to me by a handicapped mobility. I’m certainly not leaving you here because you almost got me killed during the most important week of my life. I am leaving here for a far more fundamental reason; I despise who you are on a cellular level!
Ethan Tremblay: Okay, I’ve heard that before and I’m trying to work on it, okay.
Peter Highman: Now hear this, beware, I’m warning you, don’t go to Hollywood. The streets are not paved with gold, they’re paved with the carcasses of fucking imbeciles like you who think they’re going to go there and make it. Pray you avoid it. Did you get that? That was Shakespeare, heard of him?
Ethan Tremblay: Yes, I’ve heard of him. He’s a famous pirate. By the way it’s ‘Shakesbeard’.
Peter Highman: Let me give you a little bit of friendly advice, nobody who calls themselves Hollywood has ever made it in Hollywood!
Ethan Tremblay: That one I’ve never heard before.
[as he’s about to leave Peter looks at Ethan’s dog, Sonny]
Peter Highman: Sonny, you will be sorely missed, you little bat-faced piece of shit!
[he then spits on Sonny]
Ethan Tremblay: [outraged] I have never!
Peter Highman: Well, get used to it.
Ethan Tremblay: In all of my twenty three years!
Peter Highman: First of all, I’m sorry that I spat on Sonny. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. Now, if you’re going to travel with me to Los Angeles I got to a key couple of guidelines. Number one; if you ask me a single question I’m going to flip out on you, so don’t do that. Do you understand?
Ethan Tremblay: Somewhat, yes.
Peter Highman: Number two; if you fall asleep for any reason other than the fact than you’re in a bed and it’s night time, I will disembowel you. Make sense?
Ethan Tremblay: Somewhat.
Peter Highman: Great. Three; if you’re allergic to waffles, don’t eat waffles.
Ethan Tremblay: Then don’t take me to a waffle house!
[as Peter gives Ethan permission to ride with him and Darryl]
Ethan Tremblay: Hold Sonny.
Peter Highman: Hand me that dog I will rip it in half!
Ethan Tremblay: You better change yourself before you wreck yourself.
Ethan Tremblay: What is going on?
Peter Highman: What are you talking about?
Ethan Tremblay: What’s going on? What’s with all these stories he has about your wife? They used to date in college?
Peter Highman: It’s like twenty years ago.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, but come on. You don’t see it? This guy’s been living as a football player, he’s handsome, he’s charming.
Peter Highman: You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ethan Tremblay: He has beautiful hands. Have you seen his hands? I think there’s still something going on here.
Ethan Tremblay: You and is wife exchange emails?
Darryl: Yeah.
Ethan Tremblay: What else do you exchange?
Peter Highman: Ethan.
Ethan Tremblay: Body fluids?
Darryl: What is he talking about?
Peter Highman: I don’t even listen to him.
Ethan Tremblay: Did you ejaculate?
Darryl: What?
Ethan Tremblay: It’s when your urine turns white.
[taking a sip of the coffee that Darryl has brought for them]
Peter Highman: Okay, new rule, you can’t say a fucking word.
[puts his coffee cup down]
Peter Highman: This is horrible, tastes like cat litter.
Ethan Tremblay: I think it tastes delicious.
Darryl: You should. I was all out so I used the coffee that you guys brought.
[as Ethan takes a sip of his coffee he starts to choke]
Peter Highman: Oh, boy! That’s his dad. His dad.
Darryl: Fine. I’ll buy some new coffee. I apologize.
Peter Highman: No, no, no, no! His dad is the coffee. He passed away and his remains were in the fucking coffee can!
[as Darryl hears this he spits out the coffee from his mouth]
Darryl: [angrily] Get him the fuck out! The beard, the dog. Get him out!
Peter Highman: I get it.
Darryl: Get him out!
Peter Highman: I know. Eight minutes, right?
[after leaving Darryl’s place]
Peter Highman: I’m sorry we drank your father.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s okay.
Peter Highman: Are you all right? Are you sure?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, there’s plenty of him still in here. Darryl, he made three cups of coffee, I think there’s about eight cups of my dad left in here.
Peter Highman: Great.
[referring to his dad]
Ethan Tremblay: At least he tasted good.
Peter Highman: Not bad. Yeah, strong. It was, uh, full flavored, robust blend.
Ethan Tremblay: He really enjoyed coffee and in the end he was enjoyed as coffee. Circle of life.
Peter Highman: Lion King. All that.
Ethan Tremblay: You think Darryl slept with your wife?
Peter Highman: No.
Ethan Tremblay: I do, I mean why would he lend you this fairy fancy car and give you all that walking around money, it’s..?
Peter Highman: Because he’s my friend, that’s why.
Ethan Tremblay: Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo?
Peter Highman: I have a question for you. How did those three questions come into your head?
Ethan Tremblay: I was thinking about your wife and Darryl, and Darryl getting your wife pregnant, thinking about what their baby would like and maybe it would look like a zebra baby. And then I thought, well I’ve never seen a zebra and I thought, well I should maybe go to the San Diego Zoo when we get to California.
Peter Highman: No, I’ve never been to the zoo. Next question, please.
Peter Highman: Unfortunately, I need you to drive. I can’t because I’m on Vicodin, I’m not supposed to operate heavy machinery. I will tell you this, if you blink, if you even look like you might be dozing, let alone fall asleep, I’m going to put my hands on you and choke you out with your own scarf. Wrap that thing around your neck and choke you the fuck out. I promise.
Ethan Tremblay: Seems a bit drastic.
[after Ethan has got them stoned in the car]
Peter Highman: How do you know so much about this?
Ethan Tremblay: I write a fan site for the show. It’s not official, but I run a fan site for about six years. Started in an internet cafe, I used to go in there and wash my feet.
Peter Highman: What was the site called?
Ethan Tremblay: It’s raining Two and a Half Men dot com.
Peter Highman: Wow! That is sublime. Can I detract every derogatory statement I’ve ever made about you.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you, Peter. That’s very sweet.
Peter Highman: This looks like a border crossing, it says Mexico.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, lord! Gosh!
Peter Highman: What?
Ethan Tremblay: I thought that said Texaco. We’re low on gas. Okay, we’re fine. We’re good.
Peter Highman: What are you going to do? What are you going to tell them?
Ethan Tremblay: All I’m going to do is go up here and say; look we made a mistake and we’re going to ask to turn around and back to the United States.
Peter Highman: Perfect.
Border Security Guard: What’s wrong with your friend?
[a stoned Peter is playing with the passenger car window]
Ethan Tremblay: I, Peter, don’t do that.
Border Security Guard: Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?
Ethan Tremblay: No, I have glycoma.
Border Security Guard: What about your friend? Does he have glycoma too?
[Ethan turns to Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: Answer the man. Do you have glycoma too?
[Peter shakes his head]
Ethan Tremblay: No, he doesn’t have glycoma.
Border Security Guard: What about the dog? Does he have glycoma? Cause his eyes are glassy as fuck.
[Peter laughs]
Border Security Guard: Stop the car, give me the keys please.
[after Ethan has abandoned Peter at the Mexican border]
Border Security Guard: I told you, I took the wrong exit and wound up here by mistake. No matter how many times you ask me that’s going to be my answer.
Peter Highman: You sound like Jason Bourne, man. You don’t know where you’re going, no ID.
Federali Agent: You Americano’s sneak into our country, bring drugs, party. You sleep with our women.
Peter Highman: I’ve never heard of an American sneaking into Mexico. This would be an isolated incident. Actually it’s usually the reverse.
[after Ethan has broken Peter out of the Mexican border]
Peter Highman: How many laws did we just break?
Ethan Tremblay: I don’t know, sixty?
Peter Highman: I had no idea where I was going. Then I see you, remember when we jackknifed together? But you didn’t look like you.
Ethan Tremblay: We locked eyes, I know that.
Peter Highman: God, you looked crazy!
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah. Well, I was in stealth mode. Still got the scarf on my head and everything.
Peter Highman: You were like a fucking commando! You were a Comanche warrior.
Ethan Tremblay: Thanks.
Peter Highman: It was the greatest ever.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you.
Peter Highman: Rescue. A daring rescue. You came back for me.
Ethan Tremblay: Of course I did.
Peter Highman: That’s so great.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, I made you a promise. I told you I was going to get you home safe. I’m getting you home safe, okay.
Peter Highman: I’m going to kiss you.
Ethan Tremblay: What?
Peter Highman: I’m going to give you a smooch.
Ethan Tremblay: No.
Peter Highman: Dude, come on?
Ethan Tremblay: No way!
Peter Highman: I’m going to give you a little smooch.
Ethan Tremblay: Stop, Peter! I’m driving!
Peter Highman: Come on.
[Peter kisses Ethan on his arm]
Ethan Tremblay: Sick!
Peter Highman: You go it.
Ethan Tremblay: My gosh! Everything’s up and down with you, roller coast.
Peter Highman: I owe you big time. There’s no fucking way I’d seen my kid if you hadn’t done that. There’s no way. I love you, dude.
Ethan Tremblay: I love you too, Peter.
[looking over at the Grand Canyon]
Peter Highman: I’m telling you, I wouldn’t make it up.
Ethan Tremblay: I could have sworn I read it was man made.
Peter Highman: Nope, nope. Not correct. Very old. Formed over time. Grand Canyon. Known fact.
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I have a photogenic memory…
Peter Highman: Ethan…
Ethan Tremblay: I can recall…
Peter Highman: Ethan, I promise you. It’s old, it’s the Grand Canyon. It’s not the Hoover Dam.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, I know it’s not the Hoover Dam. It was built by the pilgrims.
Peter Highman: Also incorrect.
Ethan Tremblay: Let’s stick with the plan, you know.
Peter Highman: But I thought this was part of the plan. What am I missing? Ethan? What’s really going on? Because when I said the Grand Canyon wasn’t on the way, you said ‘Too bad, it would have been perfect.’ And when I said we already passed the Mississippi River, you said ‘Too bad, dad loved titties and jazz.’
Ethan Tremblay: It’s just, just, you know, we got stuff to do and I don’t want to step on it.
Peter Highman: I know it’s hard to say goodbye. And I didn’t know your dad, but from what you’ve told me he was a great father. He was a cool guy. I’m just saying, this gesture, if you got it in you. He deserves a grand gesture.
[to his father’s ashes]
Ethan Tremblay: Dad, you were like a father to me. And, uh, I don’t know how I’m going to make it without you. But I know that you’ll look after me from up there. I have to make you proud dad, okay. I promise. I love you, say hi to mom.
[to Peter after he’s thrown his dad’s ashes over the Grand Canyon]
Ethan Tremblay: He was a great guy. You would have loved him, he was just like me.
Peter Highman: Ethan, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I feel pretty awful about, kind of want to get it off my chest. I, uh, I ditched you at the rest stop in Louisiana.
Ethan Tremblay: What?
Peter Highman: I had no intention of coming back. So wrong.
Ethan Tremblay: Why would you do that?
Peter Highman: Because I’m a pig, I’m an asshole. I don’t know, I’m working on it.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, you know what? You came back with donuts, and I think that says more about you than leaving does.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, there’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest too.
Peter Highman: Shoot.
Ethan Tremblay: I’m not really twenty three years old.
Peter Highman: I know. It’s okay.
Ethan Tremblay: The other thing is, Peter, I have your wallet and I’ve had it this whole time.
Peter Highman: What? What are you talking about?
Ethan Tremblay: Peter. Okay, listen…
Peter Highman: Why would you do that?
Ethan Tremblay: I saw it on the plane and I didn’t want to be alone, I was really vulnerable because of my father’s death. I had just, I didn’t want to go across country by myself, you know?
[Peter grabs his wallet from Ethan and looks through it]
Peter Highman: It’s all here.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.
Peter Highman: All my money, all my credit cards. Everything, everything I needed. This whole time.
Ethan Tremblay: You okay with it?
Peter Highman: It’s in the past. What are you going to do?
Ethan Tremblay: Okay.
Peter Highman: Okay.
Ethan Tremblay: Thanks, Peter.
[Peter shrugs]
Ethan Tremblay: Okay.
Peter Highman: Okay.
Ethan Tremblay: Let’s hit the road then, right?
Peter Highman: Yeah, sure.
Ethan Tremblay: You get Sonny and I’ll, uh, I’ll drive I guess.
Peter Highman: Okay. I’ll grab him.
[Peter suddenly grabs Ethan and bangs his head hard against the car]
Peter Highman: I’ll fucking kill you!
[after finding out his wife has gone into labor]
Peter Highman: Not going to make it. That’s great, I’m going to miss the birth of my child.
Ethan Tremblay: We are going to make it.
Peter Highman: There’s no ‘we’. Don’t say ‘we’. Okay, now…
Ethan Tremblay: First of all in the future…
Peter Highman: No, me first.
Ethan Tremblay: Please?
Peter Highman: No, you can’t. I told you I saw red. I told you I was put my hands on you. I have a problem and I am sorry you were the recipient of it, but I warned you. I’m sorry.
Ethan Tremblay: Fine. But in the future when we’re hanging out as buddies, if we get into a fight, don’t got for my face! You know that’s how I make a living, okay?
Peter Highman: Okay.
[Ethan opens the glove compartment and finds a gun in there, he takes it out]
Ethan Tremblay: Why do you have this thing on?
[he fires the gun, shooting at Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: [in shock] Shoot!
[Peter screams]
Ethan Tremblay: I can’t believe I did that! Sorry, Peter. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think it was loaded. I’m so embarrassed. Pull over.
Peter Highman: No, I want to keep going.
Ethan Tremblay: No, no, no! Pull over.
Peter Highman: I want to keep going. I don’t want to stop.
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, pull over?
Peter Highman: No, it didn’t happen!
Ethan Tremblay: Pull over, pull over, pull over!
Peter Highman: [shouts] It didn’t happen! Why? I’m in shock!
Ethan Tremblay: We got to get you to a hospital.
Peter Highman: No, we’re going to a hospital already. We’re going to be fine.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, God!
Peter Highman: Stop! Stop.
Ethan Tremblay: What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?
Peter Highman: I’m with you now, it’s okay. Tell you what? Let’s do a little acting exercise like we did at the restaurant bathroom, okay? You’re a sergeant, I’m just another grunt in your platoon but you promised me that you’d get me home to my high school sweetheart. Action.
[Ethan throws up all over Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: I puked into the wound!
Peter Highman: I know. It’s okay, buddy.
[Ethan starts to act out the scene Peter had told him to do before Ethan puked]
Ethan Tremblay: Get into the back street, private. What are you, a girl or something?
Peter Highman: Excellent.
Ethan Tremblay: You’re son’s about to be born, what are you going to name him?
Peter Highman: I’ll know it when I see him.
Ethan Tremblay: What about Sonny?
Peter Highman: No. I’m not naming my son after a masturbating dog.
Ethan Tremblay: Don’t listen to him, Sonny. He loves you.
[walking down the hospital corridor]
Ethan Tremblay: Shoot!
Peter Highman: What?
Ethan Tremblay: I forgot to crack the window for Sonny.
Peter Highman: The door’s off the car, Ethan!
Ethan Tremblay: What? Okay, good. See, together we think of everything.
Peter Highman: Have I told you, that I love your perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you, Peter.
[walking down to hospital corridor trying to find Sarah]
Ethan Tremblay: Put your handcuffs in your pocket, hide your handcuffs. Here’s your rally monkey.
Peter Highman: Boom!
[Peter finally finds Sarah’s room in the hospital, she’s in labor]
Sarah Highman: Baby, you finally made it!
Dr. Greene: Jesus, Peter! Are you okay?
Sarah Highman: Baby?
Peter Highman: Yeah, I just lost a little blood.
[Peter faints]
Ethan Tremblay: Everybody relax. Just relax. We need to find a hospital, okay?
Sarah Highman: Who are you?
Ethan Tremblay: My name is Ethan Tremblay. I’m your husband’s best friend.
Sarah Highman: It’s nice to meet you.
Ethan Tremblay: Nice to meet you too. Now, let’s get that baby out of your vagina.
Sarah Highman: Okay.
[looking at his baby]
Peter Highman: That’s a handsome boy.
Ethan Tremblay: It’s a girl, actually.
[Peter shakes his in disagreement]
Ethan Tremblay: Yep.
Peter Highman: No.
Ethan Tremblay: Doctor Greene says it happens all the time, you know. Ultrasounds aren’t always reliable.
Peter Highman: Right.
Ethan Tremblay: Little Rosie.
Peter Highman: Rosie. Little Rosie Highman. Does that sound strange to you?
Ethan Tremblay: No, it’s such a pretty name. Sarah thought you’d be okay with it.
Peter Highman: When d’you talk to Sarah?
Ethan Tremblay: Right after I cut the umbilical cord.
Peter Highman: You cut it?
Ethan Tremblay: The tether of life, from mother to child. I got to cut that.
Peter Highman: No!
Ethan Tremblay: Yes.
Peter Highman: You?
Ethan Tremblay: I kept some. I kept a little bit of it and put it in my wallet. It’s good for sore ankles and stuff.
Peter Highman: Oh my God! Ethan, I dreamt this. This is crazy. I had this strange dream that it was today, and it was a bear.
Ethan Tremblay: A what?
Peter Highman: And the bear chewed the cord.
Ethan Tremblay: Mm-hmm.
Peter Highman: I mean that’s kinds spot on if you think about it. That’s like a one in a, you know what I mean?
Ethan Tremblay: I don’t get it. What…
Peter Highman: Forget it. It’s, it’s, uh, it’s got to be a good sign.
Ethan Tremblay: God, a crazy few days!
Peter Highman: That was nuts.
Ethan Tremblay: We should do it again sometime, go across country again.
Peter Highman: Okay. Sure.
Ethan Tremblay: Call me tomorrow about it.
Peter Highman: If I don’t…
Ethan Tremblay: Call me tomorrow about it.
Peter Highman: I might email you. Please don’t take it personally.
Ethan Tremblay: No, no. An email’s fine.
[just before Ethan’s about to leave]
Ethan Tremblay: It’s been a real pleasure, Peter.
Peter Highman: Been a lot of things.
[as Ethan is walking away]
Peter Highman: Hey, Ethan. Welcome to Hollywood!
Ethan Tremblay: What’s that? You want me to come back and talk to you
Peter Highman: No. No. I’m just saying in the most general sense, the city welcomes you.
Ethan Tremblay: Just make sure you call me tomorrow.
Peter Highman: I’ll call you.
[watching Ethan on an episode of Two and a Half Men]
Sarah Highman: [laughing] You what, he’s really funny!
Peter Highman: Don’t get crazy. I’ll tell you the show’s funny.
Sarah Highman: Come on. You love him, you know you love him.
Peter Highman: I survived him, there’s a difference.
[there’s an incoming call from Ethan on Peter’s cell phone]
Peter Highman: Like clockwork. I told him to call me after we watched it.
Sarah Highman: He’s excited.
[referring to Rosie, Peter’s holding her on his lap]
Peter Highman: If she says his name I’ll freak out.
[last lines; Ethan acting on an episode of Two and a Half Men]
Ethan Tremblay: Pita bread? Hummus?
Alan Harper: Um, again, no thank you.
Charlie Harper: You got anymore pot?
Ethan Tremblay: Not for nine dollars an hour I don’t. I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Total Quotes: 90
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