Due Date Quotes: Unevenly Entertaining

Ethan Tremblay: It’s like…God almighty! Holy moly! It’s like traveling with a child.
Peter Highman: Did you use the rest room?
Ethan Tremblay: Good point. I need to take a pee-pee.

[Ethan takes Peter’s cell phone and starts talking to Sarah]
Ethan Tremblay: I wanted to let you know I have your package and he is A-Okay and I will have him delivered by Thursday.
Sarah Highman: Thank you so much.
Ethan Tremblay: Hey, Sarah one other thing. Do you have a hairdresser out west? I just got this killer perm and it needs some major up keep.
Sarah Highman: I’m sorry, did you just say that you have a perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah. A perm, like a permanent.
[Sarah hears Peter through the phone]
Peter Highman: It’s heinous.
Ethan Tremblay: Do you mind!
Sarah Highman: Uh…can I just talk to my husband, please?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, yeah. Okay, hold on.
[he passes Peter’s cell phone back to Peter]
Peter Highman: I know.
[on the phone to Sarah]
Peter Highman: So that’s what I’m dealing with.
Sarah Highman: Oh, my God!
Peter Highman: Yep. God bless us all.

Heidi: Are you a cop?
Peter Highman: Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist?
Heidi: Okay, you just look really official. And you know if I ask you if you’re a cop, and you are cop, you have to say yes.
Peter Highman: That’s a myth. That’s actually incorrect. But I’m not.
Ethan Tremblay: No, he’s an architect.
Peter Highman: I’m an architect, so.
Heidi: Wait, it’s a myth?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
Heidi: [laughs] Shit! I did not know that this whole fucking time. You’re fucking scary is what you are. Come in, Ethan. The pharmacy is in Kitchen.

Ethan Tremblay: Nice perm, man. Well done. Well done on that perm.
Barry: Oh, thanks bro. It’s not a perm, it’s natural. Nobody gets perms anymore. Wait, wait…don’t tell me, is that a perm?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, it’s a perm.
[Heidi starts to laugh]
Heidi: Oh, my God! You did not perm your hair?
Barry: Where do you even get perms anymore?
Heidi: I know! It’s like…

Ethan Tremblay: I was just kidding about. This isn’t a perm.
Barry: Excuse me?
Ethan Tremblay: That’s not…this isn’t a perm. I was just joking.
Heidi: [laughing] Oh, my God! Thank God! Cause I was…
Barry: You got us.
Heidi: I was like…
Barry: You got us both.
Heidi: …only you know, these like fucking jerk offs get perms.
Barry: That was good.
Heidi: That was hilarious.
Barry: Very good.

[after Ethan has done a monologue from The Godfather, Barry starts to clap]
Heidi: That’s amazing. I had chills at that second paragraph when the line…the murder. That is so fucking good, Ethan.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you. I’ve been working on the hand gesture, you know, just to get it right.
Barry: Did you write that yourself?
Ethan Tremblay: No, the mafia wrote it.

[after finding out the Ethan has spent most of his money on buying drugs]
Peter Highman: What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?
Ethan Tremblay: I don’t think in those terms.
Peter Highman: What terms do you think in?
Ethan Tremblay: I’m not gonna count them, Peter. I’m not even Jewish!
Peter Highman: Are you an adult?
Ethan Tremblay: Of course I’m an adult. I’m twenty three years old.
Peter Highman: You are the most shot-out twenty three year old I’ve ever seen. How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in car?
Ethan Tremblay: I’ve done that.
Peter Highman: How have you survived? That’s my question?
Ethan Tremblay: Mostly luck.
Peter Highman: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just dumb fucking luck.

[at the cashier counter getting money wired to Ethan’s account]
Lonnie: Here we go. Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay. I just need to see an ID.
[Ethan passes his ID papers]
Ethan Tremblay: There you go.
[looks at Ethan’s ID card]
Lonnie: Yeah, this doesn’t say Tremblay. It says Ethan Chase.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, jeepers creepers. He’s right, he’s right.
Peter Highman: What do you mean he’s right?
Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.
[looks at Lonnie]
Ethan Tremblay: I’m an actor.
Peter Highman: Stage name?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.
Peter Highman: What’s your real name?
Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Chase. But it doesn’t sound like an actor’s name.
Peter Highman: Ethan Chase sounds like the name of an actor. Ethan Tremblay doesn’t make any God damn sense. Okay, it’s confusing, it sounds like it was made up.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, I made it up.
Peter Highman: Ethan, I know you made it up. It’s your fucking stage name. Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name?
Ethan Tremblay: I wasn’t thinking.
Peter Highman: Right.
Ethan Tremblay: I’m just trying to commit to the new name.

[Ethan shows one of his acting photo head shot as another proof of ID for his stage name]
Lonnie: What the fuck is this?
Peter Highman: That’s uh…
Ethan Tremblay: An ID.
Peter Highman: It’s a photo ID.
Lonnie: I can’t accept this either.
Ethan Tremblay: Why?
Lonnie: Why? Because, it’s a picture of yourself. Anyone can take a picture in a beautiful turtle neck with their hands crossed and whatever name they want.
Peter Highman: But why go to all that trouble just for five hundred bucks?
Lonnie: I don’t know why you would, but you could.

Peter Highman: So now I get to call my pregnant wife and have her drive all the way back to Western Union to start this whole process all over again, send it to the correct name and we’ll be good.
Lonnie: Absolutely, right. But we’ll have to do that tomorrow, because we close in five minutes.
Peter Highman: It’s six thirty-five, sir.
Lonnie: What are you, my fucking boss? You make the hours here? I say we close, close in five minutes. I got reservation at Chili’s, I’m meetin’ my boys.
Peter Highman: You have a reservation at Chili’s?
Lonnie: Mm-hmm.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s actually smart. I mean it gets busy on a Wednesday night.
[Peter gives Lonnie a long silent stare]
Lonnie: What, are you gonna stare at me?
Peter Highman: Why don’t you do your fucking job until your shift is over, hillbilly?
Lonnie: Yeah, keep dreamin’ fagot. There’s no way in hell.

Ethan Tremblay: I…I’m sorry about my friend. We really just need the money to get to Los Angeles, so he can be there for the birth of his first child.
Lonnie: Well, that’s such a sweet story. You know where I was when my daughter was born?
Peter Highman: Chili’s?
Lonnie: Iraq. How about I call my staff sergeant in Fallujah and tell him your little sob story, see what he thinks, huh?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, that means…aren’t you closing? Isn’t this gonna take long time?
Peter Highman: He’s being sarcastic, Ethan. And also letting us know that he’s a battled hardened veteran, who probably did some half-assed tour and talks about it all the time.
Ethan Tremblay: How dare you!
[he spits at Peter which lands on counter window]
Peter Highman: Smooth move, vet.
Ethan Tremblay: You are sick!
Lonnie: You fucked up, big time.
[Lonnie pulls his chair down and leaves his counter]
Peter Highman: I fucked up?
Ethan Tremblay: Yep.
Peter Highman: I fucked up big time? You spit on your own window.

[Lonnie comes out from behind the counter, he’s in a wheelchair]
Lonnie: Hey, sport? What were you sayin’ about my half-assed tour of duty?
Peter Highman: I’m sorry. I…I had no idea.
Lonnie: No idea what? That I’m handicapable?
Peter Highman: You’re handicapable. That’s great.
Lonnie: How could you know?
Peter Highman: I couldn’t know and I didn’t and I’m sorry. Can I tell you somethin’? Honestly, it…it’s my fault. I’m…I’m just having a bad day.
Lonnie: You had a bad day?
Peter Highman: Yeah.
Lonnie: It’s about to get to get a whole lot worse.
[he pulls out a metal stick]
Peter Highman: Okay, you wanna put that away…
[he starts to beat up Peter and then Ethan]

Peter Highman: Why you have a stage name is beyond me. You’re not even really an actor.
Ethan Tremblay: What does that mean, really an actor? What is a real actor?
Peter Highman: A real actor is someone who can really act.
Ethan Tremblay: Well go ahead then, give me an action, give me a scene.
Peter Highman: I’m not gonna…no, I don’t want to.
Ethan Tremblay: You should.
Peter Highman: Okay. I’m Julia Roberts…uh, you have terminal cancer, we’re engaged. Break the news to me.
Ethan Tremblay: Julia Roberts, as you know we’re engaged. I have terminal cancer.
[Peter stares at Ethan]
Peter Highman: Awful.
Ethan Tremblay: What?
Peter Highman: Sorry, that’s my feedback.
Ethan Tremblay: I thought that was really good.
Peter Highman: Nope.

Peter Highman: I’ll give you one more shot. Uh…it’ super bowl Sunday. You’re a coach with a spotty career, you’re down thirty one points, you bust into the locker room and you fire your guys up. All or nothing! Action.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s stupid, that would never be in a movie.
[Ethan walks out of the bathroom]
Peter Highman: It’s in a movie every two years. Every two years.
[laughs to himself. Ethan comes back into the bathroom and starts acting out the scene]
Ethan Tremblay: Okay guys, we need to get out there. Really need to get going. Paul what are you doing? You acted like a girl out there! What are you a girl or somethin’? Jackson, come on man! You gotta get yourself together, this is…what are you a girl or somethin?

Peter Highman: Let’s up the stakes. Your wife calls, she wants a divorce.
Ethan Tremblay: The coach’s wife?
Peter Highman: The coach you’re playing, his wife calls, she wants a divorce. Ring, ring.
[acting out the scene, Ethan speaks into his cell phone]
Ethan Tremblay: Hello.
[he listens to his pretend call for a few seconds]
Ethan Tremblay: Hey fellas, this gonna be a minute. It’s my wife, she wants a divorce.
[he starts talking into his cell phone again]
Ethan Tremblay: Hi, sweet heart. What’s that? No, don’t. This is not a good time.
[he begins to cry]

Ethan Tremblay: Where’s your dad?
Peter Highman: Uh…no idea.
Ethan Tremblay: When’s the last time you saw him?
Peter Highman: 1977.
Ethan Tremblay: Ooh! Ouch!
Peter Highman: Yep. Came into my room and said; ‘Petey, I got an important job for you. You need to wake me up five thirty tomorrow morning.’ And I was ecstatic, because he never asked me to do anything. I didn’t even know if I existed in his eyes. So, this was a big deal. I was so excited I set the alarm clock, I could barely sleep. I just watch it all night, it went off at five thirty. I snuck into his room, I gingerly wake him up. He smiled at me, first time I ever saw him…uh…smile. But he had his bags packed right at the front door, he picked them up put them in the back of his car and uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him.
[Ethan starts to laugh]
Ethan Tremblay: That is so funny!
[he keeps on laughing]
Ethan Tremblay: Oh my gosh! My dad would never do that, he loved me.

[Peter’s trying to sleep, with Ethan sat next to him in the car]
Peter Highman: What’s that sound?
Ethan Tremblay: What sound?
Peter Highman: Mmm, it stopped.
[the faint tapping sound starts again]
Peter Highman: Okay, it’s back.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, that’s me. I’m just masturbating.
Peter Highman: What? Why?
Ethan Tremblay: This is how I go to sleep.
Peter Highman: Oh, don’t, don’t, don’t. Don’t, don’t, don’t! Come on, man. I’m right here next to you.
Ethan Tremblay: Shut your eyes, Peter.
Peter Highman: They’re closed. The sound!
Ethan Tremblay: Just bear with me.
Peter Highman: How long is this gonna take?
Ethan Tremblay: Well, if you keep interrupting me it will take a little bit longer. But usually it just takes about thirty five minutes.
Peter Highman: Is that all?

[after leaving Ethan and taking the car, Peter finds the coffee can with the ashes of Ethan’s father, he stops the car, gets out and goes to throw the can but stops]
Peter Highman: Okay. Uh…we are gathered here in the presence of the lord and all things holy to celebrate the passing of one mister, I don’t remember his fucking name! Chase or aka Tremblay. May he forever reside and dwell in the sun light of the spirit. Amen.
[he turns to leave but turns around again]
Peter Highman: You know, I just wanna offer an explanation, sir, as to why you wound up on the side of state 20. It’s not your fault, it’s your kid. He’s an incredibly difficult person to travel with. In fact I don’t know how or why you didn’t just strangle him in the fucking crib.

[Peter drives back and sees Ethan sitting on his suitcase]
Peter Highman: Hey, buddy.
Ethan Tremblay: Forget something?
Peter Highman: No, I got, uh…I got coffee, dunkin’ donuts.
Ethan Tremblay: I thought maybe you left me.
Peter Highman: No, I just…I pick up breakfast so that we could eat up on the road and make up time.
Ethan Tremblay: Why’d you leave my stuff out here?
Peter Highman: Cause it’s your property.
[Ethan thinks about this for a few seconds]
Ethan Tremblay: It makes sense.

[referring to his father]
Ethan Tremblay: Nothin’ he loved more than jazz music and women’s titties
[Peter reclines the car seat back so that he can sleep]
Ethan Tremblay: Did I snore last night?
Peter Highman: Mm-hmm.
Ethan Tremblay: Sorry. I’m a deep sleeper, it’s a condition. You know when they say; ‘I think I can sleep through and earthquake.’ Well, I’ve actually slept through an earthquake. I also fell asleep through a job interview at Made for America.

Peter Highman: I didn’t sleep last night. I’m gonna try now.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, you really should have masturbated. Cause I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.

[Peter walks out of the hospital after Ethan has crashed the car from falling asleep]
Peter Highman: Stay away from me.
Ethan Tremblay: Jeez Louise! Are you okay?
Peter Highman: Am I okay?! Do I look okay, huh? I have a broken arm, I have three cracked ribs, I have seven stitches in my fucking arm pit! Does that answer your question? No. Not okay.