Starring: Mel Gibson, Walton Goggins, Marianne Jean-Baptiste, Shaun Benson, Chance Hurstfield, Deborah Grover, Paulino Nunes, Michelle Lang
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Action comedy written and directed by Eshom Nelms and Ian Nelms. The story centers on Chris Cringle (Mel Gibson), also known as Santa Claus, who in order to save his declining business, is forced into a partnership with the US military. Making matters worse, a devious 12 year-old, Billy Wenan (Chance Hurstfield), hires a hitman, Skinny (Walton Goggins), to kill Santa after getting a lump of coal in his stocking.
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Ruth: This is our lowest year on record.
Chris: Yeah, we’ve had slumps before. It’ll pick back up.
Ruth: And the supply bill next month? We can’t run up any more credit.
Chris: Try not to worry.
Ruth: Just trying to keep things in perspective.
Ruth: You have fun shooting the trash.
Chris: Yes, ma’am.
Skinny Man: [referring to the baseball bat from Santa] Does this belong to you?
Donald: Yeah. I got it for Christmas when I was eleven.
Skinny Man: Eleven. Eleven. That’s great. You know, I never got what I asked for.
Science Fair Reporter: You just beat four-time champion Billy Wenan. What do you have to say?
Christine Crawford: I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas present.
Herman: Merry Christmas, Chris.
Chris: Schoolkids are lighting their uncles on fire, and throwing bowling balls off of bridges. Nothing too merry about that.
Sandy: You’re not in your usual chipper mood today. Went a whole two seconds and I haven’t heard anything about the decline of society, or the reckless youth in America.
Chris: I guess I’m just having a good day.
[pointing to his unopened letter]
Sandy: Wishing and waiting isn’t going to change what’s inside.
[after Chris sees Sandy flirting with Mike at the bar]
Chris: How are you, Mike?
Mike: I don’t think I know you.
Chris: Nicole and the kids are well, I hope.
Mike: Look, I wasn’t going to do anything…
Chris: Oh, I’ve known Sandy since she was a kid. She’s a great girl. But she never did hold much faith in wedding vows. Not like you and me, Mike.
Chris: You know, if you drive straight through, I reckon you could be home in twelve hours, spend the holiday with your family.
Mike: Who are you?
Chris: Well, I’m the guy that’s going to buy you a beer. Why don’t you hop? I’ll take care of it. And Mike, drive safe.
Sandy: Where’s Mike?
Sandy: The good looking guy that was sitting right next to where your fat butt is.
Chris: Oh, that fella. Well, I guess he left.
Sandy: Why is it every time you come in here, I end up going home alone?
Chris: Maybe I’m a jinx.
[as Christine is tied up in his basement]
Billy Wenan: You know, I’ve never lost a science competition. Did you know a circuit is only as good as its ground?
Christine Crawford: Billy, I thought that your science proj…
Billy Wenan: Twelve-volt car battery. Might not kill you, but it’ll make your teeth chatter. You’re going to return the first-place ribbon, and tell them you were unfairly helped with that train project. You cheated. You don’t deserve to win. Am I being clear?
Ruth: [as he sees the government car] They arrived about twenty minutes ago.
Chris: Yeah. Hope they brought the other half of our check.
Ruth: Stay calm. You exploding is not going to help anything.
Chris: No, but it’ll make me feel better.
Captain Jacobs: I’m Captain Jacobs. We’ve got a proposition for you.
Chris: No propositions, no shakes. I want what’s due. And this? This is half.
Robert Taylor: Well, you only produced half of last year’s product, and the subsidy payment reflects that.
Chris: Well, this is Christmas. We’re not handing out participation trophies. I can’t help it if half the kids deserve coal instead of presents.
Ruth: [referring to their payment check] This won’t even cover the power. We have employees to pay, food to buy, and quite frankly, this is one humdinger of a time to lay this burden on us.
Chris: The point is, with only half our payment, we’re not going to be able to survive.
Captain Jacobs: Chris, Ruth, the United States military would like to procure your services.
Skinny Man: You know what happens if I hear you talked, right?
Christine Crawford: No.
Skinny Man: I’ll kill your mommy. I’ll kill your daddy. You got a dog?
Christine Crawford: Yeah.
Skinny Man: What’s your dog’s name?
Christine Crawford: Jo Jo Beans.
Skinny Man: Well, I will kill old Jo Jo Beans too.
Skinny Man: [to Christine] Remember, two nights from now, Santa’s going to slide his fat a** down your chimney, and give you a whole bunch of presents, because you’ve been such a good girl this year. You know, he doesn’t do that for everyone.
Chris: I bid on everything from mainframes to Pez dispensers. Everybody’s outsourcing. They got six-year-olds pulling twelve hour shifts in bare feet for two sticks of bubble gum. It’s heartbreaking.
Ruth: You’re exhausted, and you’ve got a long night of delivering gifts. Why don’t you get some rest before you go out? You still got a little bit of time.
Chris: I can’t sleep. The whole damn operation is going tits up.
Ruth: Why are you being like this?
Chris: Because I failed.
Ruth: [referring to his night of delivering presents] How did it go?
Chris: I survived.
[after receiving a lump of coal from Santa]
Billy Wenan: You just messed up big time, Fatman!
Billy Wenan: I’ve got a job for you.
Skinny Man: Good.
Billy Wenan: I think you’re going to like it. It complements that hobby of yours.
Skinny Man: What’s the job?
Billy Wenan: I’d like you to kill Santa Claus.
Ruth: What is it?
Chris: Oh, some kids with a deer rifle put some flak in the air.
Chris: Yeah. Put two holes in the sleigh, one in me. Even tore my bag.
Chris: I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Maybe it’s time I retired the coat.
Ruth: You just need a break. We’re all feeling it this year.
Chris: I’ve lost my influence.
Ruth: You’re an icon. People love you.
Chris: I’m a silly, fat man in a red suit.
[picks up some Christmas wrapping paper]
Chris: I mean, you think it’s cute, but this is what people actually think of me. Christmas is a farce. I am a joke! There hasn’t been any real spirit of the season anymore. Not for years.
Chris: I should’ve charged them royalties for my image. Now, that’s what we should’ve done.
Ruth: That’s not who we are.
Chris: No, we’re only the largest economic stimulus in the entire world. Christmas generates three trillion dollars in the US alone. We can’t even pay our power bill. You think there’s something wrong with that?
Ruth: Oh, is that how we’re measuring success now?
Chris: Well, that’s what they care about.
Chris: They put up with us so they can sell their toys, and sodas, and cars. We’re a business. And don’t kid yourself, Ruth. Altruism is not a deductible on their bottom line.
Ruth: Don’t put it all on them. You’ve changed too.
Chris: You might be right. Maybe I’m just like them.
Ruth: You still have it.
Chris: All I have is a loathing for a world that’s forgotten.
Skinny Man: Do you have a listing for Christopher Cringle?
Skinny Man: Hello? Hello? Why did you hang up the f***ing phone?!
Skinny Man: I’m looking for the Fatman. Where is he?
Weyland Meeks: Excuse me?
Skinny Man: Santa Claus, M*therf***er. Come on, Weyland. Don’t act stupid. Just give me the address, and I’ll walk right out of here.
[points his gun at Weyland]
Skinny Man: Where do you send the letters?
Chris: [talking to his elves] Well, as you already know, there is a rising number of our youth making poor decisions. Now, this has unfortunately caused our yearly subsidy to be well below our current budget. Now, to make up for that shortfall, we are fulfilling a two month contract with the US military.
Captain Jacobs: [to the elves] These rules are for your safety, and your safety alone. Number one, you will be fingerprinted, assigned a security badge to be worn at all times. Number two, you must enter and exit the factory floor through the southern bay doors only. Number three, you must remove the bells from your uniforms as they will set off our metal detectors. In addition to these rules, we will be upgrading the site’s security.
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