Action comedy written and directed by Eshom Nelms and Ian Nelms. The story centers on Chris Cringle (Mel Gibson), also known as Santa Claus, who in order to save his declining business, is forced into a partnership with the US military. Making matters worse, a devious 12 year-old, Billy Wenan (Chance Hurstfield), hires a hitman, Skinny (Walton Goggins), to kill Santa after getting a lump of coal in his stocking.
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Best Quotes
Ruth: This is our lowest year on record. Chris: Yeah, we’ve had slumps before. It’ll pick back up. Ruth: And the supply bill next month? We can’t run up any more credit. Chris: Try not to worry. Ruth: Just trying to keep things in perspective.
Ruth: You have fun shooting the trash. Chris: Yes, ma’am.
Skinny Man: [referring to the baseball bat from Santa] Does this belong to you? Donald: Yeah. I got it for Christmas when I was eleven. Skinny Man: Eleven. Eleven. That’s great. You know, I never got what I asked for.
Science Fair Reporter: You just beat four-time champion Billy Wenan. What do you have to say? Christine Crawford: I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas present.
Herman: Merry Christmas, Chris. Chris: Schoolkids are lighting their uncles on fire, and throwing bowling balls off of bridges. Nothing too merry about that.
Sandy: You’re not in your usual chipper mood today. Went a whole two seconds and I haven’t heard anything about the decline of society, or the reckless youth in America. Chris: I guess I’m just having a good day. [pointing to his unopened letter] Sandy: Wishing and waiting isn’t going to change what’s inside.
[after Chris sees Sandy flirting with Mike at the bar] Chris: How are you, Mike? Mike: I don’t think I know you. Chris: Nicole and the kids are well, I hope. Mike: Look, I wasn’t going to do anything… Chris: Oh, I’ve known Sandy since she was a kid. She’s a great girl. But she never did hold much faith in wedding vows. Not like you and me, Mike.
Chris: You know, if you drive straight through, I reckon you could be home in twelve hours, spend the holiday with your family. Mike: Who are you? Chris: Well, I’m the guy that’s going to buy you a beer. Why don’t you hop? I’ll take care of it. And Mike, drive safe.
Sandy: Where’s Mike? Chris: Who? Sandy: The good looking guy that was sitting right next to where your fat butt is. Chris: Oh, that fella. Well, I guess he left. Sandy: Why is it every time you come in here, I end up going home alone? Chris: Maybe I’m a jinx.
[as Christine is tied up in his basement] Billy Wenan: You know, I’ve never lost a science competition. Did you know a circuit is only as good as its ground? Christine Crawford: Billy, I thought that your science proj… Billy Wenan: Twelve-volt car battery. Might not kill you, but it’ll make your teeth chatter. You’re going to return the first-place ribbon, and tell them you were unfairly helped with that train project. You cheated. You don’t deserve to win. Am I being clear?
Ruth: [as he sees the government car] They arrived about twenty minutes ago. Chris: Yeah. Hope they brought the other half of our check. Ruth: Stay calm. You exploding is not going to help anything. Chris: No, but it’ll make me feel better.
Captain Jacobs: I’m Captain Jacobs. We’ve got a proposition for you. Chris: No propositions, no shakes. I want what’s due. And this? This is half. Robert Taylor: Well, you only produced half of last year’s product, and the subsidy payment reflects that. Chris: Well, this is Christmas. We’re not handing out participation trophies. I can’t help it if half the kids deserve coal instead of presents.
Ruth: [referring to their payment check] This won’t even cover the power. We have employees to pay, food to buy, and quite frankly, this is one humdinger of a time to lay this burden on us. Chris: The point is, with only half our payment, we’re not going to be able to survive.
Captain Jacobs: Chris, Ruth, the United States military would like to procure your services.
Skinny Man: You know what happens if I hear you talked, right? Christine Crawford: No. Skinny Man: I’ll kill your mommy. I’ll kill your daddy. You got a dog? Christine Crawford: Yeah. Skinny Man: What’s your dog’s name? Christine Crawford: Jo Jo Beans. Skinny Man: Well, I will kill old Jo Jo Beans too.
Skinny Man: [to Christine] Remember, two nights from now, Santa’s going to slide his fat a** down your chimney, and give you a whole bunch of presents, because you’ve been such a good girl this year. You know, he doesn’t do that for everyone.
Chris: I bid on everything from mainframes to Pez dispensers. Everybody’s outsourcing. They got six-year-olds pulling twelve hour shifts in bare feet for two sticks of bubble gum. It’s heartbreaking. Ruth: You’re exhausted, and you’ve got a long night of delivering gifts. Why don’t you get some rest before you go out? You still got a little bit of time. Chris: I can’t sleep. The whole damn operation is going tits up.
Ruth: Why are you being like this? Chris: Because I failed.
Ruth: [referring to his night of delivering presents] How did it go? Chris: I survived.
[after receiving a lump of coal from Santa] Billy Wenan: You just messed up big time, Fatman!
Billy Wenan: I’ve got a job for you. Skinny Man: Good. Billy Wenan: I think you’re going to like it. It complements that hobby of yours. Skinny Man: What’s the job? Billy Wenan: I’d like you to kill Santa Claus.
Ruth: What is it? Chris: Oh, some kids with a deer rifle put some flak in the air. Ruth: Again? Chris: Yeah. Put two holes in the sleigh, one in me. Even tore my bag.
Chris: I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Maybe it’s time I retired the coat. Ruth: You just need a break. We’re all feeling it this year. Chris: I’ve lost my influence.
Ruth: You’re an icon. People love you. Chris: I’m a silly, fat man in a red suit. [picks up some Christmas wrapping paper] Chris: I mean, you think it’s cute, but this is what people actually think of me. Christmas is a farce. I am a joke! There hasn’t been any real spirit of the season anymore. Not for years.
Chris: I should’ve charged them royalties for my image. Now, that’s what we should’ve done. Ruth: That’s not who we are. Chris: No, we’re only the largest economic stimulus in the entire world. Christmas generates three trillion dollars in the US alone. We can’t even pay our power bill. You think there’s something wrong with that? Ruth: Oh, is that how we’re measuring success now? Chris: Well, that’s what they care about.
Chris: They put up with us so they can sell their toys, and sodas, and cars. We’re a business. And don’t kid yourself, Ruth. Altruism is not a deductible on their bottom line. Ruth: Don’t put it all on them. You’ve changed too. Chris: You might be right. Maybe I’m just like them.
Ruth: You still have it. Chris: All I have is a loathing for a world that’s forgotten.
Skinny Man: Do you have a listing for Christopher Cringle? [line clicks] Skinny Man: Hello? Hello? Why did you hang up the f***ing phone?!
Skinny Man: I’m looking for the Fatman. Where is he? Weyland Meeks: Excuse me? Skinny Man: Santa Claus, M*therf***er. Come on, Weyland. Don’t act stupid. Just give me the address, and I’ll walk right out of here. [points his gun at Weyland] Skinny Man: Where do you send the letters?
Chris: [talking to his elves] Well, as you already know, there is a rising number of our youth making poor decisions. Now, this has unfortunately caused our yearly subsidy to be well below our current budget. Now, to make up for that shortfall, we are fulfilling a two month contract with the US military.
Captain Jacobs: [to the elves] These rules are for your safety, and your safety alone. Number one, you will be fingerprinted, assigned a security badge to be worn at all times. Number two, you must enter and exit the factory floor through the southern bay doors only. Number three, you must remove the bells from your uniforms as they will set off our metal detectors. In addition to these rules, we will be upgrading the site’s security.
Elf: What kind of toys are we making, sir? Captain Jacobs: Not toys, miss. Control panels for America’s eagle in the sky, our FJ-63 fighter jets.
Border Agent: [at the Canadian border] What’s the purpose of your visit? Skinny Man: Recreation. Hunting. I’m going to kill some things.
Chris: 19, 23, how are you doing? Elf 23: Wonderfully perfect, sir. Elf 19: Super-duper good. Chris: I appreciate the positivity. [as they walk away] Chris: Are you buying that? Elf 7: Absolutely, boss.
Chris: 7, this is make or break for us. I don’t need to tell you that absolutely everything is on the line. Elf 7: Christmas is at stake, sir. We won’t let you down. We’ll have the order finished on time.
Elf 7: [referring to his name] We’re all ranked and accounted for by number. It’s more efficient that way. Chris: 7’s our factory foreman. Captain Jacobs: What happened to one through six? Chris: Well, we’ve been at this a long time. Elf 7: We don’t reissue numbers. That would be unethical and dishonorable. Captain Jacobs: I like it. That’s a hell of a way to run a crew.
Pet Shop Owner: You know, it’s funny. You don’t strike me as a hamster person. Chris: Well, I am. Pet Shop Owner: You seem more like a reptile person.
Pet Shop Owner: Snakes. That’s it. You’re a snake person. Skinny Man: Snakes eat hamsters. Pet Shop Owner: You know, lots of people don’t know what kind of pet person they are, but I’m really good at this. Skinny Man: You know, you remind me a lot of my mother. Pet Shop Owner: Really? Skinny Man: Yeah. She wasn’t a good listener, and she never knew when to shut the f*** up.
Lex: Yeah, I’m Lex Taylor. This is Carter Mapplethorpe. Chris: I know who you are. Lex: Right. They warned us about that. Chris: Things were a little touch and go for a couple of years there. Weren’t they, Carter?
Carter: [referring to the reindeer] Woh. Hey, hey. Chris: Oh, that’s Donner. He gets a mite nippy. You’re lucky it wasn’t Blitzer. She’d tear your package right off.
Carter: The military would like to procure your services on an annual basis. Chris: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Lex: We are prepared to guarantee your subsidization for fifteen years. Chris: I hear what you’re saying. But this is a one-time deal, gentlemen.
Lex: I appreciate your optimism, sir, I really do. But with all due respect, I think both of us know that there’s a very good chance you’re going to end up right back here next year. Carter: And then maybe, Mr. Cringle, the deal we offer won’t be so sweet. Chris: I’ll keep some axle grease handy just in case I change my mind.
Skinny Man: [referring to the toy airplane] You get this for Christmas? Young Boy: Yeah, Santa gave it to me. Skinny Man: You must be a good kid. Young Boy: I guess so. Skinny Man: You know what I got for Christmas when I was your age? [shows him the cigarette burns on his arm] Skinny Man: You never forget the smell of burning flesh and menthols. Give you a hundred bucks for it. [the kid hesitates] Skinny Man: One fifty.
Captain Jacobs: Your workers sure have healthy appetites. You know, I can’t help but think the smallness and discoloration is a direct result of an inadequate diet. Elf 7: Inadequate? Please elaborate. Captain Jacobs: Well, I think what you need is some protein, vegetables, fiber. I bet if we gave some real food to these people, they would shoot up like bean stalks. Elf 7: Captain, we have discovered the most efficient and productive way to eat is simple carbs and sugars, six times a day.
Captain Jacobs: The body needs four food groups, regular exercise, a minimum of six hours of sleep. Elf 7: Oh, every elf takes a twenty minute nap every eight hours. That keeps our bodies fresh and allows us to work on a twenty-four hour rotation. Captain Jacobs: How long can you keep that up? Elf 7: Indefinitely. It’s why elves live much longer than humans. Captain Jacobs: And Chris? He does the same? Elf 7: No. It’s the giving that keeps him young.
Ruth: We have each other’s backs. That’s how this works. Remember when my baking went through the vegan, sugar-free phase? Chris: Oh, yeah. I was lucky to survive it. Must’ve lost twelve pounds. Ruth: But you told me, even though you knew I wouldn’t be thrilled to hear it. Chris: That may have been more of a self-preservation thing. Ruth: Point is, we both have good days and bad days.
Ruth: We disagree. We tick each other off. Like when you come into the house dripping sweat all over the floor, using my good towels for sweat rags. But I love you. So we figure it out. We work through it. We lift each other up. Chris: I’m feeling downright inspired. Ruth: Good. Let’s hope that inspiration starts with a shower.
Herman: Hope the new year is treating you well. Skinny Man: Only a couple of days in, but I’m optimistic.
Skinny Man: [referring to the jackets] I don’t like duck canvas. Way too much going on. Too many sticks. I’m not a f***ing tree. Too puffy. Tan makes me look fat. Green is f***ing stupid. Ralph: Maybe you could give me some idea of what you’re looking for.
Billy Wenan: I want the big man’s head. Skinny Man: That could be problematic. Billy Wenan: Are you saying no? Skinny Man: I’m saying that it’s not practical. Severed heads are fickle. They rot, they mold, they smell. It’s a multi-day trip across two international borders, and several state lines, which means a sizable cooler, frequent stops, and putting myself at considerable risk. And I don’t do that for anyone. Billy Wenan: Then I want his beard. Skinny Man: I’m not shaving off a dead man’s beard.
Chris: Hey, Sandy. How’s the day? Sandy: What’s got you in such a good mood? Chris: Well, I found something I lost.
Chris: [referring to her knitted bed throw] Fine work. Ruth: A slight miscalculation. Probably a little stress knitting. Chris: Oh, we always wanted a bigger bed. Ruth: There’s the man I married.
Chris: Ruthie, I want to apologize. I lost perspective. Lately, I’ve been a little self-absorbed and not much of a partner to you. There’s been a lot of talk about quitting. And, well, that’s not who we are. Or, it’s not who I am. And I’m sorry. Ruth: We’ve been at this a long time, love. This isn’t easy. We knew it wouldn’t be when we started. Chris: Well, I guess I just let it get away from me. Ruth: Then let’s take it back. Chris: We need to do that.
Chris: Come here. Ruth: Why? Chris: Well, maybe I just want to embrace my wife. Ruth: Oh, is that all? Chris: What’s wrong with that, Mrs. Cringle? Ruth: I thought you wanted me to mend your bag. Chris: Yeah, I do. But later. [they kiss]
Ruth: What are you thinking? Chris: I’m thinking, you know, the good does outweigh the bad.
[as Skinny is attacking the factory] Captain Jacobs: Chris! We’re under attack!
Chris: That’s enough! Jonathan Miller. You twisted child. Skinny Man: I always thought you forgot about me.
Skinny Man: [referring to the toy car] You remember this? This was the only goddamn thing you ever got me! After all the times that I wrote you. Chris: I’m sorry, son. There are limits to what I can do. I couldn’t replace your parents. Skinny Man: Yeah. You couldn’t.
Skinny Man: Well, here we are. I’ve come for your head, Fatman! Chris: You think you’re the first? You think I got this job because I’m fat and jolly?
[after Ruth kills Skinny] Billy Wenan: Who the hell are you? Ruth: I’m Ruth. And this is Chris.
Chris: Billy. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. [he drinks the glass of milk Billy had drugged to give his grandmother] Chris: Yeah. Fentanyl. That’ll get the job done.
Chris: [to Billy] This is partly my fault. You know, I just haven’t quite been myself lately, have I, dear? But the time has come to turn things around. I’ve decided to be proactive. And it starts with you.
Chris: [to Billy] Now look at me, child. I said look at me. A wicked soul bent on bloodshed was sent to collect my head. Like you, he thought he lived outside of morals and consequence. He is now buried with his lack of reverence.
Chris: One more time, Billy Wenan, once more, and you’ll be getting more than coal in your stocking. If your grandmother meets an early grave, if Christine Crawford suffers so much as a cold, if anybody that crosses your path is made to feel less, or lower because of you, I’m coming back. I’ll come while you sleep and rip you from your covers. By my hand, you will know the consequence of your actions. So don’t screw it up. The Fatman’s got his eye on you, kid.
Ruth: [referring to the cookies] Why don’t you all take fifteen? Elf 7: I’d really rather not. Ruth: I wasn’t asking. Chris: If there’s one thing I’ve learned, 7, it’s never argue with a woman gifting cookies.
Chris: We’ll have this place up in no time, bigger and better than before. Ruth: And we’re going to keep it that way. Chris: We are.
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