Starring: Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Patricia Clarkson, Jenna Elfman, Bryan Greenberg, Richard Jenkins, Woody Harrelson, Nolan Gould, Andy Samberg, Shaun White, Andrew Fleming

OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆

Story:

Romantic comedy directed by Will Gluck. The story follows New York-based executive recruiter, Jamie (Mila Kunis), who entices Dylan (Justin Timberlake), an art director from Los Angeles, to take a job New York for her client. Finding that they have much in common, the two become fast friends. Feeling jaded by a number of broken romances, Dylan and Jamie decide that they are ready to quit looking for true love and focus on having fun. However, complications unfold when the two best pals add sex to their relationship.

 


Our Favorite Quotes:

‘It's not who you want to spend Friday night with. It's who you want to spend all day Saturday with.’ – Tommy (Friends with Benefits) Click To Tweet ‘You want to be happy? Find someone you like and never let him go.’ – Tommy (Friends with Benefits) Click To Tweet

 

Best Quotes   (Total Quotes: 106)


 

[Dylan gets a call during a staff meeting]
Jamie: Hey, baby where are you? Are you still at work?
Dylan: No! Not even close.
Jamie: Just so you know, the movie starts in ten minutes.
Dylan: I know.
[as he’s dropped his coffee on his pants he turns to his co-worker]
Dylan: Give me your pants.
Male Co-Worker: What?
Dylan: Buy you lunch tomorrow. Come on!
Male Co-Worker: No.
Dylan: I’m your boss. Give me your pants.
Jamie: Please, try not to be late really hate missing the beginning.
[the co-worker stands and takes off his pants revealing that he has not underpants on]
Dylan: I know. I know.
[Dylan turns to another male co-worker]
Dylan: Give me your pants.


 

[still talking on his cell as he gets out of the office and jumps into his car]
Dylan: I’m almost there.
Jamie: How far away?
[driving in his car as fast as he can]
Dylan: I think I see you.
Jamie: Where are you? I’m here.
Dylan: So am I! So many people. What are you wearing?
Jamie: I’m wearing the only clothes outside the theater. Because I’m the only person outside the theater!
Dylan: I love that outfit. You look so sexy in that.


 

[we see Jamie standing outside the movie theater talking on her cell phone]
Jamie: You know I love this movie! If a prostitute and a ruthless business man can fall in love, then anyone can.
[we see Dylan running and talking on this cell phone]
Dylan: I know this means a lot to you. Which means it means a lot to me.
Jamie: Well, apparently it doesn’t.
Dylan: I’m looking at you right now. I can see you!
[Jamie hears her name being called turns to see her date which we now realize is not Dylan]


 

[referring to Dylan arriving late to the John Mayer concert]
Kayla: Here’s an idea. Next time, instead of being late, just shit on my face. Cause that’s kind of the same thing as missing ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’.


 

Quincy: I just feel should chill for a while, you know?
Jamie: You’re doing this?


 

Jamie: You said I was your soul mate!
Quincy: I did! When?
Jamie: When we were at that Bed & Breakfast having sex.
Quincy: But you know, that doesn’t…
Jamie: That doesn’t what?
Quincy: Count.
[she hits the sandwich she’d made him out of his hand]


 

[as Kayla is breaking up with Dylan]
Dylan: I was tied up at work. I’m sorry.
Kayla: Maybe you should care a little bit less about work and a little more about the girl you’re dating? Cause last time I checked, work doesn’t reassure you that liking a finger up your ass doesn’t make you gay!
Dylan: I never said, go up! Okay? I just said, lightly around. It’s like a, like a little button. You know what? Not your issue anymore.


 

Jamie: Is this why you were late? You were worried about how to break up with me?
Quincy: Oh! No! No! I was trying to decide what to wear.
Jamie: So you went with sneakers and a hoodie?
Quincy: Yeah.
Jamie: What, are you going to take the S.A.T’s after this?
Quincy: Don’t lash out, okay? You’re better than that.
Jamie: I’m really not.


 

Kayla: I just think we’re heading in different directions.
Dylan: Yeah. You to the John Mayer concert and me not! Thank you, for doing this before the concert by the way. Best break up.
[then mouths the word ‘ever’]
Kayla: He is the Sheryl Crow of our generation!


 

Jamie: Let me just ask you a quick question? And just know that I am not at all crushed by this break up. So, be honest. Why?
Quincy: Is this a trick?
Jamie: No. Just pure anthropological research.
Quincy: Okay. You want someone to sweep you off your feet, but you’re more interested in getting swept off your feet than the someone who’s doing the sweeping. You seem like you got it totally together, but you’re actually really emotionally damaged. Also, you have like really big eyes. And that freaks me out sometimes.
Jamie: Thank you. That’s enough.


 

Kayla: It is not you, at all.
Dylan: Of course, it’s me! You can’t say that! You’re breaking up with me!
Kayla: It’s not! It’s me! I don’t like you anymore.


 

Kayla: You’re a great guy. A little too emotionally unavailable, if you ask me.
Dylan: I didn’t.
Kayla: I really want to stay friends.


 

[talking to his friend after breaking up with Kayla]
Dylan: Why do relationships always start off so fun and then turn into suck-a-bag-of-dicks?


 

[talking to her friend after breaking up with Quincy]
Jamie: You really have to stop buying into this bullshit Hollywood cliché of true love.
[sees movie poster for a romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl]
Jamie: Shut up, Katherine Heigl! You stupid liar!


 

Dylan: I’m just going to work and fuck. Like George Clooney.


 

Jamie: I’m just going to shut myself down emotionally. Like George Clooney.


 

[at the airport, meeting each other for the first time]
Jamie: Welcome to New York.
Dylan: Thank you. You’re not exactly what comes to mind, when you think ‘headhunter’.
Jamie: Yeah, I prefer executive recruiter. Headhunter sounds a little creepy.
Dylan: You did stalk me for six months. Kind of creepy!


 

[referring to his bag]
Jamie: Here, I’ll take it.
Dylan: You’re really going to carry my bag? You’re that girl?
Jamie: No. I’m going to change your life. I’m that girl!
Dylan: My life is already pretty great.
Jamie: Oh, really? Cause you wouldn’t be here if your life were already pretty great.
Dylan: A free trip to New York, I’d be an idiot to turn that down.
Jamie: Well, then I guess you must have been an idiot for the past six months.
Dylan: Ooh! Yeah, a lot of people would say longer than that.


 

[after he’s commented on his blog getting six million hits]
Jamie: I could put up a video of me mixing cake batter with my boobs. And it will get eight million hits.
Dylan: That’s been done. Dunkin-My-Tits-Hynes dot com.
Jamie: Really?


 

[after Dylan has been given the job offer by GQ]
Dylan: Would you uproot your life for a job? Be honest.
Jamie: Well, no. For a job, probably not. But for New York? Yeah, I would. Which is why I’m not going to try to sell you on the job. I’m going to sell you on New York.
Dylan: It’s New York! I’ve seen Seinfeld.
Jamie: Not the bullshit tourist version.


 

Dylan: Why do women think the only way to get a man to do what they want, is to manipulate them?
Jamie: History. Personal experience. Romantic comedies.


 

[as Shaun White turns to leave he trips and falls on their table]
Dylan: Hey bro, that was like a Double McTwist twelve sixty.
Shaun White: Oh! Yeah, like the trick.
Dylan: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Dylan.
Shaun White: Jamie, you want to get this guy out of my face before I break his fucking skull?
Dylan: Sorry, bro. No disrespect. I’m a huge fan.
Shaun White: You don’t fucking know me, man! Don’t talk to me like you know me! What do you think, I’m all chilled cause I snow board and shit? One more word! Fuck you up like dynamite!
Dylan: Dynamite?
Shaun White: Ah, I’m just playing, bro. Any friend of Jamie’s is cool with me. It’s all good, man.
Dylan: All good.
[Shaun hugs Dylan and whispers in his ear]
Shaun White: I’m whispering in the ear of a dead man!


 

Dylan: Shaun White seems really great. Nice dude. How do you know him again?
Jamie: I tool his virginity.
Dylan: Oh! So, you’ve guys known each other for a while?
Jamie: No! It’s like eight months ago.
Dylan: Wow! So does the carpet match the drapes?
Jamie: Uh, it’s a hard wood floor, if you know what I mean.
Dylan: My God! Terrible visual.
Jamie: Totally kidding by the way. He’s just an old friend of mine.
Dylan: You guys use the same leave-in conditioner? His hair had nice body.


 

[lying down on the rooftop of a skyscraper and looking at the sky]
Jamie: Only place in the city you can actually see the stars.
Dylan: Wow!
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: It’s very awesome.
Jamie: I know. I like to come up here to think. Just when it gets a little too much for me down there. It’s like, it’s like my New York version of mountain top. Best part, no cell reception.
Dylan: Aah! You take all your recruits up here?
Jamie: Actually, never really taken anyone up here.
Dylan: Really?
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: Thanks.
Jamie: If you tell anyone about this, I will rip your ears off and staple them to your neck.
Dylan: Everyone in this city seems really violent.


 

[Jamie shows him a flash mob at Time Square, with dozens of people joining in a synchronized dance]
Jamie: It’s nice to feel like you’re a part of something. New York can be a little bit lonely at times.
Dylan: And you’re trying to sell me on it?.
Jamie: Every place can be a bit lonely sometimes.


 

[meeting Tommy on the first day at his new his job in New York]
Tommy: Listen, I’d love to take you out one night and troll for cock.
Dylan: What?
Tommy: You got some pretty boys out there in L.A., but the quality in this town is ri-dic-ulous. We can tare this shit up.
Dylan: I’m not gay, Tommy.
Tommy: Really? Oh! I just assumed, art director and your face.
[he strokes Dylan’s face]
Tommy: Hey, no skin! More pipe for me.


 

Dylan: Hey, I was thinking of getting some lunch. Do you know a place?
Jamie: Are you asking me out?
Dylan: Well, I’m not asking you out. I’m asking you to show me a restaurant.
Jamie: I mean I’m the only friend you have in New York. You don’t want to complicate that!
Dylan: I know! I’m not asking you out.
Jamie: I mean, sure. We’d have fun, roll around. Get into some erotic humiliation fantasy…
Dylan: Erotic fan…? Could you just lower the…
Jamie: …which would blow up in our faces, end badly. And we’d never speak to each other again!
Dylan: I’m not fucking asking you out! I swear to God!
Jamie: Okay. You don’t like me like that. You don’t have to be so mean about it.
Dylan: I’m sorry. I didn’t, I…
[Jamie starts laughing]
Jamie: God! You’re such a girl. Come on, it’s my treat.


 

Jamie: You’re emotionally unavailable?
Dylan: Oh, yeah!
Jamie: Oh, my God! I’m emotionally damaged. I haven’t seen you at the meetings.


 

Dylan: I’m done with the relationship thing.
Jamie: Girl, you are preaching to the congregation.
Dylan: Choir.
Jamie: What?
Dylan: Preaching to the choir. You’re supposed to preach to the congregation. That’s the expression.
Jamie: Did you understand what I’m saying? Then don’t be a dick about it.


 

[whilst watching a romantic movie on TV]
Dylan: Why do all these movies have such bad music?
Jamie: Because so that you know how to feel every single second.
Dylan: I’m heart broken. Bam-bum-bam-bummm! I’m getting married to the man of my dreams. Bum-bam-bum-bam-bammm! I’m sneaking to an office. Dom-dom-boom-boom-boom- boom!


 

[as she’s watching the ending of the romantic movie]
Jamie: God, I wish my life was a movie sometimes. You know, I’d never have to worry about my hair, or having to go to the bathroom. And then when I’m at my lowest point, some guy would chase me down the street, pour his heart out and we’d kiss. Happily ever after.
[referring to the couple in the romantic movie, riding in a carriage at the end of the movie]
Jamie: I mean, a horse and carriage! Come on! That is awesome!
Dylan: Not as awesome as this ambiguously upbeat pop song that has nothing to do with the plot! They put in at the end to try to convince you that you had a great time at this shitty movie.
Jamie: You know, why don’t they ever a make a movie about what happens after they kiss?
Dylan: They do. It’s called porn.


 

Jamie: God, I miss sex! Right, I mean sometimes you just need it. It’s like, uh, it’s like cracking your neck.
Dylan: Why does it always got to come with complications?
Jamie: And emotions.
Dylan: And guilt.
Jamie: Woh! Guilt!
Dylan: It’s women’s fault.
Jamie: What?
Dylan: You heard me! ‘Hold me.’ ‘Let’s spend the rest of our lives together.’
Jamie: Oh, please! You are no better. ‘Oh, yeah. Baby, come on now. Say my name. Yeah, eee, uuhh! I’m done. How was that?’
Dylan: Who have you been with?


 

Dylan: Why can it not be like that? It’s a physical act. Like playing tennis. Two people should be able to have sex like they’re playing tennis.
Jamie: Yeah! I mean, no one wants to go away for the weekend after they play tennis.
Dylan: It’s just a game. You shake hands, you get on with your shit.
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: Yeah.


 

Dylan: Jamie?
Jamie: Yeah?
Dylan: Let’s play tennis.
Jamie: What?
Dylan: Let’s have sex like we’re playing tennis.
Jamie: [laughing] Get the hell out of here!
Dylan: Don’t laugh! This could be great. This could take all the weirdness out of it.
Jamie: Well, we talked about this. I don’t like you like that.
Dylan: I don’t like you like that either. That’s why it’s perfect.


 

Jamie: I don’t even know if I find you attractive.
Dylan: That’s cute.
Jamie: Mmm. I do have a thing for jerks. Well, do you even find me attractive?
Dylan: That’s cute.
Jamie: No! No! No! Before you got to know my awesome personality. Strictly physical. First time you saw me.
Dylan: This is just two people talking?
Jamie: Yeah. Two girls, over drinks at Bennigans. Go.
Dylan: I liked your eyes. I didn’t think I’d ever seen such big beautiful eyes.
Jamie: And your lips. Yeah, thought you might be a good kisser.
Dylan: I am.


 

Dylan: Your breasts.
Jamie: What about them?
Dylan: They intrigued me.
Jamie: Really?
Dylan: Yeah!
Jamie: Oh, I think they’re so tiny!
Dylan: Still breasts.
Jamie: Thanks.


 

Jamie: I liked your hands.
Dylan: Mouth.
Jamie: Butt.
Dylan: Voice.
Jamie: Chest.
Dylan: Eyes.
Jamie: You said that.
Dylan: I meant it.


 

Jamie: You swear you don’t want anything more other than sex?
Dylan: You swear you don’t want anything more from me? I know how you girls get, tick-tock-tick-tock…
Jamie: Stop it!


 

[swearing over the iPad bible]
Jamie: No relationship. No emotions. Just sex.
Dylan: Whatever happens, we stay friends.
Jamie: Swear.
Dylan: Swear.


 

Dylan: So I guess, we should just start.
Jamie: Okay.
Dylan: I’ll serve.
Jamie: Ah, that’s really, that’s enough of the tennis. Let’s go to the bedroom.
Dylan: What’s wrong with the couch? It’s less emotional.
Jamie: The bedroom has better light. And since we’re just friends, I don’t have to be insecure about my body.
Dylan: Come on! Okay, you’re beautiful. You have nothing to be insecure about.
Jamie: You see! That is way too emotionally supportive and you need to just lock that down!
[she turns to go the bedroom]
Dylan: Well, your ass is a little bony.
Jamie: Much better!


 

[as they’re getting undressed to have sex]
Jamie: My nipples are sensitive. I don’t like dirty talk. And had I known this was going to happen, I would have shaved my legs this morning.
Dylan: My chin is ticklish. I sneeze sometimes after I come. And if I’d have known this was going to happen I wouldn’t have shaved my legs this morning.
Jamie: Okie Dokie!
Dylan: Oh! I keep my socks on. Intimacy issues.
Jamie: Great! Cause feet gross me out. Daddy issues.
Dylan: Great.


 

Jamie: I can’t believe we’re doing this!
Dylan: Shall we stop? We could just go for a run.
Jamie: No! Are we getting too old for this?
Dylan: Sex?
Jamie: No. Casual sex! I Just, I don’t know. It feels a little collegy.
Dylan: Oh, I could sing some Third Eye Blind.
Jamie: Okay.


 

Jamie: God, Dylan! I just…
Dylan: Relax! Just a friend, going down on another friend.


 

[as he’s trying to go down on her she grabs his tongue and brings his head back up]
Jamie: What are you trying to do? Dig your way to China?
Dylan: I’m good at this!
Jamie: Says who?
Dylan: Every girl I’ve been with!
Jamie: Well, they’re either lying or their vaginas are made out of burlaps. So, relax! You’re not a lizard.
Dylan: Okay, fine.


 

[giving him instructions on how to go down on her]
Jamie: A little to the right.
Dylan: Okay.
Jamie: And a little bit more to the left.
Dylan: Roger that!
Jamie: Now, go down.
Dylan: Here we go!
Jamie: And more, woh! Too far!
Dylan: Sorry!


 

[screams as she comes]
Dylan: What’s wrong?
Jamie: [screams] Nothing!
Dylan: Well, women start to scream, it could be misconstrued!
Jamie: [screams] Just keep going!


 

[as she goes down on him]
Dylan: Let me tell you how I like it. See, most girls think you should start off soft. But if you just get in, go for it!
[it doesn’t take long before he comes and sneezes as he comes]


 

Jamie: Okay. So about what happened…
Dylan: It was crazy and we shouldn’t have done it.
Jamie: Exactly! No! No! Exactly! It is so not me!
Dylan: I totally agree. Let’s forget it happened.


 

Dylan: I was going to call you this morning.
Jamie: But you didn’t.
Dylan: But I didn’t.
Jamie: And you see, it’s already coming between us and I really, I just don’t want it to.
Dylan: It’s not going to.
Jamie: Look, I know that I act all tough and I talk all tough, but really…
Dylan: It’s just a front to protect yourself from your own vulnerability.
Jamie: What are you, my fucking therapist now?
Dylan: No! I’m a friend. Who knows that every time you curse, you blink. Like your body is rejecting the word.
Jamie: It does not! Fuck you!
Dylan: Blinked.
Jamie: No, I didn’t fucking blink.
Dylan: Blinked again!
Jamie: Shit!
Dylan: Ah! Didn’t blink! ‘Shit’ you’re okay with.


 

Dylan: It was stupid.
Jamie: Yes.
Dylan: We’re friends. Let’s stay friends.
Jamie: Yes, please. I don’t want to lose this.
Dylan: Me, neither.


 

[as they’re making out again he notices she has a tattoo of a small dog on her waistline]
Dylan: I didn’t know you had a tattoo?
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: Why didn’t I notice that before?
Jamie: Because we were drunk.
Dylan: Is it your dog?
Jamie: No. Never had one. But everyone else did and I thought having a dog might get a normal family. Which at seventeen I desperately wanted.
Dylan: So as a sign of rebellion you got a tattoo of the most conventional thing you could think of.
Jamie: It was super awesome back then.


 

[referring to the tattoo on his waistline of a small yellow lightning bolt]
Dylan: Check it.
Jamie: A lightning bolt?
Dylan: Eighteen. Wanted super powers.
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: I was a little into Harry Potter back then.
Jamie: Were you also gay back then?
Dylan: Harry Potter doesn’t make you gay!
Jamie: Okay.


 

[as they’re having sex]
Jamie: My butt!
Dylan: What?
Jamie: Oh! My butt!
Dylan: Really?
Jamie: No! I mean, my butt it, it’s cramped! Can you grab a pillow?
Dylan: Yeah. Yeah.
[as he puts a pillow under her butt]
Dylan: So, no butt?
Jamie: No!


 

[as she’s on top of him]
Dylan: You like this position?
Jamie: Yeah, it’s alright.
Dylan: I got to be honest, I feel a little emasculated.
Jamie: A naked girl is lying on top of you. And you feel emasculated?
Dylan: A little bit.
Jamie: You do know what that word means, right?
Dylan: Yes! I know what it means, and I feel it.
Jamie: Okay. Alright. You big baby!


 

[as they’ve changed position and he’s on top of her now]
Jamie: Do you feel manly now?
Dylan: I do.
Jamie: Okay. Put it in.
[he gives her a look and she starts laughing]
Dylan: That’s not funny.


 

[waiting for Dylan to come back from the bathroom]
Jamie: What’s going on in there?
Dylan: Do you know how hard it is to pee with a hard on?
Jamie: No, actually.
Dylan: It’s like two lines of traffic merging into one. It takes time.


 

[as he finishes peeing in the bathroom and comes back into the bedroom]
Jamie: Woh!
Dylan: What? Did I leak?
Jamie: Did you wash your hands? Oh! Come on, dude! I know we’re just friends, but I’m still a lady! Now, get back in there, wash your hands. And then bring that fine ass back here.
Dylan: You keep talking to me like that, I’m not going to come back!
[he turns and quickly runs into the bathroom to wash his hands]


 

Jamie: At least I have food in the house. All you have at home is drinkable yogurt.
Dylan: I like to drink my yogurt! It’s a time saver.
Jamie: Oh! Well, you think you could use that time to shave your shovel? You’re whiskers are like knives.
Dylan: Now, see. If you were my girlfriend, I couldn’t tell you to shut up right now.
Jamie: And because you’re just my buddy, I can tell you that if you don’t start shaving up here.
[points to his chin]
Jamie: I’m going to stop shaving, down there.


 

[after she’s caught Jamie and Dylan having sex]
Lorna: You never told me you had a hot boyfriend!
Jamie: He’s not my boyfriend, mom.
Lorna: Oh!
Dylan: That’s right. We’re just friends.
Lorna: Why, I love it! Ooh, it’s like the seventies in here. Woo! That was a better time. Just sex. A little grass, a little glue.
[turning to Jamie]
Lorna: Not during pregnancy.
[whispering towards Dylan]
Lorna: Well, not during the final trimester. But no complications. It’s great!


 

Lorna: So, my daughter is just your slampiece?
Dylan: No! No! Um, a slampiece?
Lorna: I was just kidding! Slam away! Have fun. I think this is great. The only thing is, it takes you off the market. But, what the hell! The whole reason you go to the market is to buy the produce, which you already got.
[she stares at Dylan’s crotch]


 

Dylan: It’s just sex.
Tommy: That never works, bro! She’s a girl, sex always means more to them. Even if they don’t admit it.
Dylan: Jamie’s different.
Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
Dylan: No penis.
Tommy: Then she’s not different.
Dylan: What do you know about women, anyway?
Tommy: Dude, I’ve turned down more tail that you’ll ever have.
Dylan: Yeah, bro. You’re gay!
Tommy: But the offers still keep rolling in, naturally! Look at me? And, hey, I love women. They’re beautiful, majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures. Smart, empathetic. Far superior to men in every way. And if I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day. But, me likes cock. So I’m strictly dickly.


 

Dylan: So, it’s always just about sex then?
Tommy: No. I’ve been in love. I went down that rabbit hole. You know what I discovered? It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with. It’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with. Do you know what that feels like?
Dylan: Yeah. But then it’s every Saturday for the rest of your life.
Tommy: That’s okay. You don’t get it. It’s no big deal. But you will. One day, you’ll meet someone and it’ll literally take you breath away. Like, you can’t breathe. Like, no oxygen to the lungs. Like a fish…
Dylan: Yeah. I get it, Tommy.
Tommy: Yeah. You don’t.


 

[as he sees Tommy jump into his boat]
Dylan: You have a boat!
Tommy: I live in Jersey! And I ain’t taking no fairy! Unless it’s out to dinner and a show. Bam!


 

Lorna: I always thought you were a true love kind of girl.
Jamie: Uh, whatever, mom! It’s not like it’s stopping me from anything.
Lorna: That’s what I thought back in seventy eight. And every year since. I’m just, I’m flattered actually. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It’s just surprising.


 

Jamie: Dylan, I think I want to start dating again. I think we should stop this.
Dylan: Hmm.
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: I kind of think you’re right.
Jamie: Am I?
[sings a line form Third Eye Blind]
Dylan: ‘Every new beginning comes from some other beginning.’ That actually makes sense, right here. Who’d have thought that Third Eye Blind could be so prophetic.
Jamie: Not Third Eye Blind.
Dylan: I’m pretty sure that’s Third Eye Blind.


 

Jamie: So, this is the end of this!
Dylan: I guess so. But it’s good.
Jamie: Yeah. We did it!
Dylan: With no bullshit.


 

Jamie: Okay. So, what is your type anyway?
Dylan: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I don’t have a type. It’s more about what’s inside.
Jamie: Oh, please! Okay. What about her?
[points to a woman standing on some steps reading]
Dylan: Yeah! I could get to know her inside. And she’s reading a book.
Jamie: It’s probably Nicholas Sparks.
Dylan: I’m going to go talk to her.
Jamie: What?
Dylan: What do you mean ‘what’? You said we need to learn to date again. I’m going to go talk to her.
Jamie: Now? Here? In front of all these people?
Dylan: I didn’t say I was going to rape her. I’m just going to talk to her.


 

[after he’s been chatting to the woman on the steps]
Dylan: We talked. We laughed.
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: She’s Belgian.
Jamie: Oh, explains the reading.
Dylan: I showed her where the balcony was, because that’s where she is meeting up with her husband.
Jamie: [laughs] Ooh!
[as they watch the woman meet her husband and kiss him]
Dylan: Anniversary trip to New York. Three kids.


 

Jamie: I’ll go next. See if I still have game.
Dylan: Okay.
[as he spots a guy]
Dylan: Ooh! Okay.
Jamie: Yes.
Dylan: Right here. Eleven o’clock. Iced coffee.
[referring to man standing ahead of them drinking iced coffee]
Jamie: Handsome, but doesn’t know it. Staring at a tree, which means he’s actually in the park for nature and not to watch women sun bathe.
Dylan: Or he’s retarded.
Jamie: Don’t care. I’m going in.


 

[as Jamie comes back from talking to the guy Dylan found for her in the park]
Jamie: Okay. His name is Parker.
Dylan: Bam-bam-bam!
Jamie: He’s a children’s oncologist.
Dylan: Bam-bum-bam-bumm!
Jamie: And I have a date this Saturday!


 

[referring to the guy Jamie asked out on a date in the park]
Dylan: Why did you, uh, why did you wave to me?
Jamie: Oh, I told him your my gay best friend. So he wants to set you up with his brother.


 

[on their first date]
Jamie: I can’t believe you actually cure cancer.
Parker: Well, me and God.
Jamie: What?
Parker: I’m kidding! Can you imagine someone would actually say that?
Jamie: Yeah, I could. I’ve been out with a lot of them.
Parker: Cancer doctors?
Jamie: No! Assholes! Yeah.
Parker: Well, I figure I’ve done with that. Although, I got to warn you, a lot of cancer doctors, big assholes.


 

Jamie: Alright, I think I should probably tell you something.
Parker: Please don’t tell me you’re a dude! Because that’ll be like the third time since I moved here and I don’t think I can handle it.
Jamie: I have a five date rule. You know like five dates before we…
Parker: Yeah.
Jamie: I saw it in a movie. Thought I’d give it a try.
Parker: You’re worth waiting for. I’m sure that was the line in the movie, so.


 

Jamie: How is a guy like you single?
Parker: I’ve just been waiting for someone to come up to me in the park, compliment me for looking at the trees and not the sunbathers.
Jamie: Well, I meant it. It was impressive.
Parker: Actually, if I’m going to be completely honest with you.
Jamie: Yeah.
Parker: I was sleeping standing up. I work thirty six hours straight. I don’t even know how I got to the park.


 

Parker: How is a girl like you single?
Jamie: Oh, I have issues. One might even call me damaged. Actually, one did call me damaged.
Parker: Get out of here! Damaged how?
Jamie: I kind of believe in true love. There might be a Prince Charming out there for me.


 

Dylan: How’s your boy Parker? Still staring at trees?
Jamie: Uh, yeah. He’s still looking up at trees. But, um, this time it’s actually in my apartment.
Dylan: Is it fifth date already?
Jamie: Maybe.
Dylan: Did you guys, uh, fifth date?
Jamie: How dare you! A lady never tells.
Dylan: I know. That’s why I’m asking you.


 

[after sleeping together, the next day Jamie sees Parker sneaking out of her apartment]
Parker: I got get going.
Jamie: Oh! What? I thought you weren’t on call today?
Parker: I’m not but I got that thing. I got, uh, stuff. This, they just called me.
Jamie: Really?
Parker: Yeah.
Jamie: The sneak out. How incredibly cliché of you!
Parker: I just, I don’t think I can be your Prince Charming.
Jamie: God! You totally didn’t get anything that I was saying, did you?
Parker: No! No! No! I think you’re great.
Jamie: Yeah, you too. You know what? You and I should stay friends.
Parker: Really?
Jamie: No! Go fuck yourself!


 

[after breaking up with Parker]
Jamie: Maybe I suck in bed?
Dylan: Trust me. You don’t suck in bed.
Jamie: Thank you.
Dylan: So needy. Hey, maybe the guy’s married or something?
Jamie: No. Did a background check at work. Single. No criminal history. Credit report, seven twenty.
Dylan: Background check? Did you do one on me?
Jamie: How could you possibly max out an old lady card?
Dylan: After college I was really into cargo pants!


 

Jamie: I got to stop thinking it’s not me. I mean, it’s got to be me!
Dylan: It’s not you. Nothing is wrong with you. He’s a guy. You gave him a five date challenge, he got you and cut out. Forget the douche! He’s a dick. He’s a dick douche.


 

[referring to her mum taking off before they’d had their trip together]
Jamie: Why did I think that this time would be any different?
Dylan: Come with me to L.A.
Jamie: What?
Dylan: Come on! What else you going to do? It’s fourth of July, everybody’s left this city.
Jamie: You’re very sweet for asking, but it’s fine. You know what? I’ll just stay here. I’ll be fine alone.
Dylan: I know you’ll be fine alone. You’re not a baby in a hot car! I’m actually asking you to come because it would help me. You’d be a great distraction for my family. They’d forget all about drilling me for being single.
Jamie: Won’t they think that we’re together?
Dylan: Not if I tell them we’re not.
Jamie: And they’ll believe you?
Dylan: Yeah! We’re one of these crazy families that doesn’t lie to each other. PBS is doing a documentary on us.


 

Dylan: Jamie, this is my sister Annie.
Annie: Hi.
Jamie: Thank you for having me.
Annie: Please, it’s nice to have Dylan bring a girl home.
Jamie: We’re just friends.
Annie: Oh, no. I know. If you were his girlfriend he never would have brought you here.
[pointing to Dylan]
Annie: This one has intimacy issues!
Jamie: I know.


 

[coming into Jamie’s room]
Jamie: I thought you were going to bed?
Dylan: I was, but then I realized we’re both single again. So…
[he unties his robe]
Dylan: Oopsy!
[opens his robe]
Dylan: Oopsy!
Jamie: Dude! No!
Dylan: Why not? I washed my hands, with soap this time.
Jamie: Are you serious? Why would you just assume?
Dylan: You cracked your neck on the porch. This thing…
[moves his neck from side to side]
Dylan: That’s your tell, remember?
Jamie: I cracked my neck because we were on a flight for six hours. And you were yapping my ear off about how planes all fly themselves. And it actually kinked my neck a bit.


 

Dylan: So, no?
Jamie: No! Not having sex with you.
Dylan: Is it your special time? They have an App for that. No, wait!
[he moves his cell phone close to her waving it over her body]
Dylan: Nope. You’re good to go.
Jamie: We talked about this. Because I just got dumped, so…
Dylan: Okay. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a good way to take your mind off of him.
Jamie: I don’t function that way. Sex is not going to help. But you know what will? Emotional support.
Dylan: Before we were sex without emotion. And now we’re emotion without sex.
Jamie: Exactly! I just need you to be my friend right now.
Dylan: Okay. So, I’ll listen to you while you give me a hand job.
Jamie: [laughing] No!
Dylan: I’m kidding! I got it.


 

[after Jamie has been making fun of him liking Kriss Kross when he was younger]
Dylan: I went as Kriss Kross three years in a row for Halloween.
Jamie: Ooph! Poor kid.
Dylan: I’m not proud of it.


 

Jamie: Have you really never brought a girl home before?
Dylan: I brought you here.
Jamie: I mean, like a real girl. Not a friend.
Dylan: A real girl.
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: I guess not. Separation of church and state.
Jamie: Ah, yes! Build up as many walls as possible. That’s really healthy.
Dylan: You talking about walls?
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: What about you and your mum? You couldn’t get me out of there fast enough when she walked in on us.
Jamie: That was for your own protection, okay. I’m just surprised she didn’t try to slip you her number or something.
Dylan: Oh, she did. She put it in my phone. Under Milf.
Jamie: Oh, my God!
Dylan: That’s cool. Really. We hooked up, like twice.


 

Sam: I like Jamie. And she’s pretty too.
Dylan: Hey, easy dude. Don’t you go and casting a spell on her.
Sam: I’m a magician not a wizard. You and your gay Harry Potter.
Dylan: You can’t deny that going to Hogwarts wouldn’t be life changing!


 

[as Jamie is climbing over the fence to get to the Hollywood sign]
Dylan: They take this shit seriously. Okay? Look at all the cameras. This is the only landmark this city has, other than the Scientology center. And if any of these cameras are hooked up to the actual Scientology center, that was an inappropriate joke and I apologize! I believe in the freedom of science fiction!
[holding his arms up he gives two thumps up]
Jamie: [coughs] Oh, sorry. Pussy!


 

[as they’re sitting on the Hollywood sign]
Jamie: You really never been up here before?
Dylan: No. I’ve also never transferred heroin in my rectum. Cause it’s against the law.
Jamie: You know that sometimes a simple yes or no answer is adequate.


 

Jamie: Is something going on here? You’ve been acting really weird.
Dylan: No, I haven’t.
Jamie: Yeah, you have. Is this about what happened the other night?
Dylan: What, sex? That doesn’t mean anything, you know that.
Jamie: Right.
Dylan: And I haven’t been acting weird.
Jamie: Okay.


 

[as the LAPD helicopter catches them on sitting on the Hollywood sign and Jamie is trying to get Dylan to jump down]
Dylan: I have a fear of heights! And also helicopters! They don’t make sense to me!
Jamie: What do you mean you have a fear of heights? Why would you come up here?
Dylan: You called me a p-p-pussy!


 

[referring to Jamie]
Annie: Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?
Dylan: She’s not my girlfriend. Why don’t you believe me?
Annie: I would believe you if you didn’t lie to me! I saw you creeping out of her room the other night. Like you had just had sex, if you know what I mean?
Dylan: Yes, I know what you mean. You just said it! And how do you know what I look like after I have, I’m not talking to you about this, okay. We’re not together.


 

[Jamie is listening to their conversation as she’s stuck in the magician box]
Annie: Friends who have sex! What are you, in college?
Dylan: It doesn’t matter! It’s over!
Annie: Why?
Dylan: Because we don’t like each other like that.
Annie: Okay, you now what? We should talk about this. Sit down. What more are you looking for?
Dylan: Who says I’m looking for anything?
Annie: Dylan.
Dylan: I don’t know! But it’s not Jamie!
Annie: Why? Because you’re great together? Because you’re actually friends with each other? Because this is the happiest that I have ever seen you?
Dylan: I don’t know what to tell you, Annie. She’s not for me. I don’t like her like that.
Annie: You like her enough to have sex with her.
Dylan: It’s just physical. Like playing tennis.
Annie: I don’t even know what that means, Dylan!


 

[Jamie is listening to their conversation as she’s stuck in the magician box]
Annie: I haven’t seen you this dumb, since you got that candy corn tattoo.
Dylan: It’s a lightning bolt! With extra powers!
Annie: Dylan, you can’t name one thing that’s wrong with her.
Dylan: I can never go out with her. She’s too fucked up. She doesn’t want a boyfriend. She’s too damaged. Magnum, P.I. couldn’t solve the shit going on in her head.
Annie: Wow! You’ll say anything right now not to admit that you’re perfect for each other.
Dylan: Why are we still having this conversation?
Annie: Because I’m right.
Dylan: Good talk, Annie.
[he gets up and walks away]


 

[as Dylan decides to work through lunch]
Tommy: A work ethic. I love it! That is why this country is still number one. Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China. Thank God for Bangladesh!


 

Tommy: Oh! By the way, why did you take your door off its lovely hinges?
Dylan: It was dumb, man. Something I saw in management book.
Tommy: Oh! Right! Right! Like that’s how Warren Buffett got rich. He took doors off of things! Hey, everybody wants a short cut in life. My guide book is very simple. You want to lose weight? Stop eating, fatty! You want to make money? Work your ass off, lazy! You want to be happy? Find someone you like and never let him go. Or her if you’re into that kind of creepy shit.


 

[finding her sitting on the roof of her favorite skyscraper]
Jamie: How did you know I was up here?
Dylan: Only place in this city you don’t get reception.
Jamie: Right.
Dylan: Why are you avoiding me?
Jamie: I’m not.
Dylan: Really? Come on, Jamie.
Jamie: Well Dylan, I don’t know if you’ve heard. But I am seriously fucked up! I mean Magnum, P.I. couldn’t solve the shit going on up here.
[realizing that she had overheard what he had said about her to his sister]
Dylan: My God! I’m sorry.
Jamie: I’m just going to go and try to fix the shit going up on in my head. If that’s even possible.


 

Dylan: I shouldn’t have said that. I was just trying to get my sister off my back! She thought we liked each other.
Jamie: Yeah. Me too, Dylan. I thought we were friends. But friends don’t go talking shit about each other. Which must mean that you and I, were actually never friends. That all you wanted was to get into my pants.
Dylan: What?
Jamie: You jumped at the chance at your dad’s house!
Dylan: You cracked your neck. I thought you were giving me a sign! We talked about this.
Jamie: Oh, my God! Really?
Dylan: You pulled my robe off! Oopsy! Remember?
Jamie: Yeah. And then you snuck out of the room. Oopsy! Remember that?
Dylan: What? Are you pissed off at me because I didn’t cuddle? Isn’t that why we started this whole arrangement in the first place? You wanted this.
Jamie: I wanted this? Just me. God, you are just like every other guy! The sad thing is, Dylan, I actually thought you were different.
Dylan: Different from what? I’m not your boyfriend, I’m your friend.
Jamie: Well, with friends like you, who needs friends?
[she turns to leave]
Jamie: And, uh, thank you for ruining my mountain top. Asshole!


 

[after finding out he’s had an interview for another job]
Jamie: Is this your way of getting back at me?
Dylan: What?
Jamie: You know that if you leave before a year’s up, I get screwed!
Dylan: Oh, okay. If I did leave, which I don’t know yet because all I did was take one meeting, I’ll write you a check for your bonus. Whatever it is, I’ll pay for it. Happy now? We’re good?
Jamie: Why didn’t you tell me you were looking?
Dylan: That’s personal. And we’re not friends anymore. You made that pretty clear. See, all I wanted to do was have sex with you, remember? Pretend you were the best friend I ever had. Open up to you, like I’ve never done with anyone, ever. And then when the sex stopped, invite you to L.A. for the weekend to, dun-dun-dun, introduce you to my family. I’ll send you a check if I take the job.
Jamie: Don’t bother.
[she walks away from him]


 

Lorna: Do you want some motherly love advice?
Jamie: Not really.
Lorna: Oh, good. Cause I don’t know how to do that. What I do know is that, it’s no great God damn secret, you live in fear of repeating my mistakes. And you’re not wrong. So learn from me. Do you know how many men in my life I thought were really perfect?
Jamie: Eighty.
Lorna: One.
Jamie: Eighty one!
Lorna: One. It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met. Obviously, look at you? How smart you are. How great. How funny. How driven. Your vaguely Middle Eastern beauty. Sure as hell didn’t all come from me.


 

Lorna: I mean, we all have our Prince Charming. You just got to know him when you see him.
Jamie: Mom, it’s Prince Charming! You should just know.
Lorna: Well, you’re Prince Charming isn’t coming to rescue you in a horse and carriage. That’s not who you want. I mean, you’re looking, you’re looking for a man to be your partner. You could take on the world with. You got to big your fairy tale, baby. My Prince Charming? You.


 

[to Dylan, referring to the long lost love of his life]
Mr. Harper: You know, my friends used to say, that when Dee Dee and I looked at each other, it was electric. And I let her go. I just let her go. Because I was too damn proud to tell her how I really felt about her. I’ll tell you something, that I wish I knew when I was your age. And I know you’ve heard it a million times life is short. But let me tell you something. What this, this…
[referring to his Alzheimer’s and pointing to his head]
Mr. Harper: …is teaching me, is that life is God damn short and you can’t waste a minute of it!


 

[referring to Jamie]
Dylan: I think I messed it up.
Mr. Harper: Fix it.
Dylan: She won’t talk to me.
Mr. Harper: Maybe she’ll listen. There’s always a way. If you think, there’s even a chance that she could be it. You fix it.
Dylan: Did Annie put you up to this?
Mr. Harper: Who’s Annie?
[Dylan gives him a worried look]
Mr. Harper: I’m kidding! What, I can’t joke about this?
Dylan: [laughing] Jesus Christ, dad!
Mr. Harper: I don’t know what else to do.


 

[over the loud music of ‘Closing Time’ by Semisonic playing at Grand Central station]
Jamie: [shouting] I’m having trouble hearing you!
Dylan: [shouting] I didn’t really think this through! I guess in the movies they guy pours his heart out and they put the music in later.
Jamie: [shouting] What?
[he walks towards her]
Dylan: I messed up. I was scared. Look at what happened with my mom and dad? Of course I was scared. I ruined it. Everything that happens in the day, all I can think to myself is I can’t wait to tell Jamie about this. When I see someone cursing, all I picture is you blinking. And when I hear a kid’s been cured of cancer, I pray it’s not by that douchebag tree hugging, fucking doctor who ran out on you! I mean, cancer being cured is awesome. But you know, I wish someone else did it.


 

Dylan: Hey, I miss you.
Jamie: I miss you! But you’re not wrong. I am damaged!
Dylan: So am I. Who isn’t? It’s what makes this so awesome. And our tattoos.
[he kneels in front of her and takes her hand]
Jamie: Oh! No! No! No! No!
Dylan: Shut up. It’s not what you think. Jamie, will you be my best friend again?
Jamie: That is so lame.
Dylan: Oh, I know! It’s some Prince Charming shit though, right?
Jamie: Get up.


 

Dylan: Look, I can live without ever having sex with you again.
[she gives him a shocked look]
Dylan: It’ll be really hard.
[she looks away from him with tears in her eyes]
Dylan: Hey, I want my best friend back. Because I’m in love with her.
Jamie: Under one condition.
Dylan: Anything.
Jamie: Kiss me.
Dylan: In public? In front of all these people?
Jamie: I did not ask you to…
[he comes close and kisses her]


 

[last lines; referring to the horse and carriage as they walk out of Grand Central station]
Jamie: Oh, my God! Did you get a horse and carriage?
Dylan: Yeah. That’s not for you.
Jamie: Oh, thank God! Horses actually scare the shit out of me
Dylan: Really?
Jamie: Yeah.


Total Quotes: 106

 




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