Here is our pick of the best quotes from all the Ghostbusters movie franchise, with the first two Ivan Reitman directed installments now considered classic supernatural comedies. The third movie, directed by Paul Feig, was considered a reboot of the franchise. However, the fourth installment, Ghostbusters: Afterlife, is considered a direct sequel of the original two, directed and co-written by Jason Reitman.
1. Ghostbusters (1984)
'We came, we saw, we kicked its a**!' - Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters 1984) Click To Tweet
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [to Peter after they’ve been fired from the university] Personally, I like the university. They gave us money and facilities. We didn’t have to produce anything. You’ve never been out of college. You don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
Janine Melnitz: [moviequotesandmore.com] You’re very handy. I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot too.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Print is dead.
Janine Melnitz: Oh, that’s very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I’m too intellectual, but I think it’s a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play racquetball. Do you have any hobbies?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I collect spores, molds, and fungus.
Dana Barrett: [as Peter is about to enter her room to check for supernatural activity] That’s the bedroom. But nothing ever happened in there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a crime.
Dana Barrett: You know, you don’t act like a scientist.
Dr. Peter Venkman: They’re usually pretty stiff.
Dana Barrett: You’re more like a game show host.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me tell you something about myself. I come home from work, to my place, and all I have is my work. There’s nothing else in my life.
Dana Barrett: Dr. Venkman.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I meet you, and I say, “My God, there’s someone with the same problem I have.”
Dana Barrett: Yes, we both have the same problem. You.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know, it’s just occurred to me we really haven’t had a completely successful test of this equipment.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So do I.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, no sense worrying about it now.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [after they capture their first ghost] We came, we saw, we kicked its a**!
Janine Melnitz: [interviewing Winston for the job] Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster, and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston Zeddemore: Uh, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [after they’ve come back from a job] I got to get some sleep. I’m dying.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You don’t look good.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: I don’t?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, you’ve looked better. You didn’t used to look like this.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I don’t have to take this abuse from you. I got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.
Dana Barrett: I know. You’re a big celebrity now.
Dana Barrett: [after Dana, who has been possessed by Zuul, the Gatekeeper] Are you the Keymaster?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Not that I know of.
Dana Barrett: [she slams the door in his face, Peter knocks the door again] Are you the Keymaster?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes. I’m a friend of his. He told me to meet him here.
Dana Barrett: [as Dana is possessed by Zuul] Do you want this body?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Is this a trick question?
Dr. Peter Venkman: I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.
[a possessed Dana starts kissing him passionately]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule.
Dana Barrett: [as Dana is possessed by Zuul] I want you inside me.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [laughs] Go ahead. No, I can’t. Sounds like you got at least two people in there already. Might be a little crowded.
Dana Barrett: [demonic voice] There is no Dana, only Zuul.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a lovely singing voice you must have.
Dr. Egon Spengler: The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Cold-riveted girders with cores of pure selenium.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the other people in their jail cell] Everybody getting this so far?
[to Ray and Egon]
Dr. Peter Venkman: So what? I guess they just don’t make them like they used to, huh?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: No! Nobody ever made them like this! I mean, the architect was either a certified genius, or an authentic wacko!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray, for a moment, pretend that I don’t know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You never studied.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Your girlfriend lives in the corner penthouse of Spook Central.
Dr. Peter Venkman: She’s not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she’s a client, and because she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers. She barks. She drools. She claws.
Dr. Egon Spengler: It’s not the girl, Peter. It’s the building.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by d**kless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, it’s true. This man has no d**k.
Winston Zeddemore: I’m Winston Zeddmore, Your Honor. Look, I’ve only been with the company for a couple weeks. But I got to tell you, these things are real. Since I joined these men, I have seen s**t that’ll turn you white.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, you can believe Mr. Pecker.
Walter Peck: My name is Peck.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Or you could accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: Well, what do you mean, “biblical”?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: What he means is Old Testament. Real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes!
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!
Mayor: Enough! I get the point!
Gozer: [demonic voice] Are you a god?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: No.
Gozer: [demonic voice] Then die!
Winston Zeddemore: [uses lightning from her fingers to force them to the edge of the roof] Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say, “Yes!”
Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to Gozer] Alright. This chick is toast! Got your stick?
Raymond, Eegon, Wisnton: Holding it!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Heat them up!
Raymond, Eegon, Wisnton: Smoking!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Make them hard!
Raymond, Eegon, Wisnton: Ready!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let’s show this prehistoric b**ch how we do things downtown. Throw it!
Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to Stay Puft marshmallow man] Well, there’s something you don’t see every day.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinking, Ray.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We used to roast Stay Puft marshmallows by the fire at Camp Waconda.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon. What have you got left?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman. I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
Winston Zeddemore: This job is definitely not worth eleven-five a year!
2. Ghostbusters II (1989)
'Sometimes s**t happens, someone has to deal with it, and who are you going to call?' - Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters II) Click To Tweet
Brownstone Boy: [working as children’s entertainers at a birthday party] You know, my dad says you guys are full of crap.
Brownstone Mother: Jason, hush!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, some people have trouble believing in the paranormal.
Brownstone Boy: No, he just says you guys are full of crap, and that’s why you went out of business.
Winston Zeddemore: [after being insulted at a children’s birthday party] Man, face it. Ghostbusters doesn’t exist. A year from now, those kids won’t even remember who we are.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Ungrateful little yuppie larvae. After all we did for this city.
Winston Zeddemore: Yeah, we conjured up a hundred foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Yeah, but what a ride.
Dana Barrett: How is he these days?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Peter? Well, he was borderline for a while. Then he crossed the border.
Milton Angland: [Peter is interviewing psychics on his television show] I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year’s Eve.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, for your sake, I hope you’re right.
Elaine: [Peter is interviewing psychics on his television show] According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14th in the year 2016.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Valentine’s Day. Bummer. Where did you get your date, Elaine?
Elaine: I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn. I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me. He started talking to me. He bought me a drink. And then, I think he must have used some kind of a ray, or a mind-control device, because he forced me to follow him to his room. And that’s where he told me about the end of the world.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus?
Elaine: It might’ve been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room at the Holiday Inn. I can’t be sure about that, Peter.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Of course not. And that is the whole problem with aliens, is you just can’t trust them. Occasionally you meet a nice one, Starman, E.T. But usually they turn out to be some kind of big lizard!
Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to the guests on his show] Norman, where do you find these people? Weren’t we supposed to have the telekinetic guy who bends the spoons?
Norman the Producer: He canceled. This is the best we could do at such short notice. Look, no respected psychic will come on the show. They think you’re a fraud.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I am a fraud.
Dr. Janosz Poha: [as he walks by one of his assistant’s desks] Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Hi, Egon. How’s school? I bet those science chicks really dig that large cranium of yours, huh?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I think they’re more interested in my epididymis.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So whatever happened to Mr. Right, anyway? I heard he ditched you and ran off to Europe.
Dana Barrett: He didn’t ditch me. We had some problems, and he got a very good job offer from an orchestra in London and he took it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So he ditched you.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [after he’s told them he’s parents didn’t believe in toys] You mean you never even had a Slinky?
Dr. Egon Spengler: We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.
Dr. Egon Spengler: [referring to Dana] I’d like to run some gynaecological tests on the mother.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Who wouldn’t?
Louis Tully: [as the Ghostbusters are being prosecuted] I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and some probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Well, that’s fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.
The Prosecutor: Dr. Venkman, would you please tell the court why it is that you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a very big hole in the middle of First Avenue.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, there’s so many holes in First Avenue, we really didn’t think anyone would notice.
The Prosecutor: So what you’re saying is that the world of the supernatural is your exclusive province?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Kitten, I think what I’m saying is, that sometimes s**t happens, someone has to deal with it, and who are you going to call?
The Judge: [as two ghosts in electric chairs are attacking the courtroom] The Scoleri Brothers!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Friends of yours?
The Judge: I tried them for murder! Gave them the chair! You got to do something!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Why don’t you just tell them you don’t believe in ghosts?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Heat them up.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [they turn on their proton packs] Do…
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Re…
Dr. Egon Spengler: Egon!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [after they’ve successfully trapped the Scoleri Brothers ghosts] Two in the box!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Ready to go!
Dr. Peter Venkman: We be fast.
Raymond, Peter, Egon: And they be slow!
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to reporters] We’re the best! We’re the beautiful! We’re the only Ghostbusters!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: We’re back!
Dr. Raymond Stantz: You think there’s a connection between this Vigo character and the slime?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Is the atomic weight of cobalt fifty-eight point nine?
Dana Barrett: [referring to her baby, Oscar] It’s so late. I really ought to put him down.
Dr. Peter Venkman: May I?
Dana Barrett: Yeah, if you want to.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Oscar] You’re short. Your belly button sticks out too far. And you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Vigo the Carpathian, born 1505, died 1610.
Dr. Peter Venkman: A hundred and five years-old. He hung in there, didn’t he?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: He didn’t die of old age either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disembowelled, drawn, and quartered.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ouch.
Winston Zeddemore: I guess he wasn’t too popular at the end.
Dr. Egon Spengler: No, not exactly a man of the people. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Wasn’t he also Vigo the Butch?
Dr. Raymond Stantz: And dig this. There was a prophecy. Just before his head died, his last words were, “Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I’ll be back.”
Dana Barrett: Okay, but after dinner, don’t put any of those old cheap moves on me, okay?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, no, no.
Dana Barrett: It’s different.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I have all new cheap moves.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Dana, did you see some shirts here in the floor bed area?
Dana Barrett: Yeah, I put them in the hamper.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I have a hamper?
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to the Mayor] Lenny, have you been out on the street lately? Do you know how weird it is out there? We’ve taken our own head count. There seem to be three million completely miserable a**holes living in the Tri-State area.
Hardemeyer: Oh, please!
Dr. Peter Venkman: I beg your pardon. Three million and one.
The Mayor of NY: [to the Ghostbusters] What am I supposed to do? Go on television and tell ten million people they have to be nice to each other? Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right.
The Mayor of NY: What the hell’s going on? It’s pandemonium out there!
Hardemeyer: Yes, I know. We’re working on it.
The Mayor of NY: Great. While you’re working on it, I’m going down in history as the mayor who let New York get sucked down into the tenth level of hell. Alright. We’ve got no choice. Call the Ghostbusters.
Hardemeyer: Wait! Now, I’m sure there’s another way.
The Mayor of NY: Jack, I spent an hour last night in my bedroom talking to Fiorello La Guardia, and he’s been dead for forty years.
3. Ghostbusters (2016)
'It smells like burnt bologna and regrets down here.' - Patty Tolan (Ghostbusters 2016) Click To Tweet
Jillian Holtzmann: [as she’s filming Erin] Ma’am, can you tell us where you got the world’s tiniest bow tie?
Erin Gilbert: Uh, it came with the shirt.
Abby Yates: [moviequotesandmore.com] I mean, we saw a real ghost. You know, and she was beautiful.
Jillian Holtzmann: Till she dislocated her jaw and ecto-projected all over you.
Erin Gilbert: Yeah, that stuff went everywhere, by the way, in every crack.
Abby Yates: But, I got to say, even that was kind of spectacularly beautiful.
Erin Gilbert: [after Kevin introduces himself] Kevin. Oh. That’s a manly name. My name’s Erin. With an E. For “everything you want”.
Patty Tolan: That’s where I saw that weird sparking thing.
Jillian Holtzmann: What was it?
Patty Tolan: Baby, if I knew what it was, I wouldn’t say “a weird sparking thing”.
Jillian Holtzmann: You’re mouthy. I like that.
Patty Tolan: [referring to the ghost on the train] Well, I guess he going to Queens. He’s going to be the third scariest thing on that train.
Erin Gilbert: Kevin. Hi, can you answer the phone, please?
Kevin: I can’t. It’s in the fish tank.
Erin Gilbert: Uh, no. The one on the desk that’s ringing. That one.
Kevin: Oh, that one.
Erin Gilbert: Yep.
Agent Hawkins: You drive a hearse with a ghost on it, and you use a distinctly un-American sounding siren. Do you have any idea how many federal regulations you’re breaking on a daily basis?
Jillian Holtzmann: One?
Agent Rorke: No.
Jillian Holtzmann: Two?
Agent Rorke: No.
Jillian Holtzmann: Is it one?
Agent Rorke: Just sit quietly.
Mayor Bradley: Here’s the essence of the deal. We are going to have to make the public believe that you are frauds.
Erin Gilbert: What? Wait. Why?
Abby Yates: What?
Jennifer Lynch: The human brain, you know, it can only handle so much. If everybody knew what was going on, you know, there’d be a panic. So we need to get the information out there that the incident at the concert was a hoax. Because, otherwise, there’d be mass hysteria.
Abby Yates: Uh, we don’t want mass hysteria either.
Erin Gilbert: But my concern is, I feel like the cat is sort of already kind of out of the bag.
Abby Yates: I think what they’re saying is the cat is out of the bag. They want us to put the cat back inside the bag.
Erin Gilbert: No, I know that’s what they’re saying. But I’m saying the cat’s already out. So it’s hard to put the cat back in.
Abby Yates: I know. I know it’s out. It’s not impossible.
Erin Gilbert: But that’s why they have that saying.
Abby Yates: It’s a nonsense saying.
Erin Gilbert: If the cat is out of the bag, you can’t put it back in!
Abby Yates: I put a cat in a bag all the time.
Erin Gilbert: But once the cat is out of the bag, aren’t you like, “Ooh! The cat is out of the bag!”
Jennifer Lynch: We just want to shove that damn cat back in the bag.
Agent Rorke: The cat has been out of the bag before, and yet, people lose interest and put it back in.
Jennifer Lynch: People always move on.
Agent Rorke: Sheriff in New Mexico reports a UFO encounter. The crew of the SS Ourang Medan dies mysteriously. The entire town of Langville, Montana, goes missing.
Jillian Holtzmann: It does?
Patty Tolan: Man, it smells like burnt bologna and regrets down here.
Patty Tolan: [after Abby is possessed by a ghost] Get out of my friend, ghost!
Abby Yates: [she slaps Abby hard in the face] Ow! Ow! That’s going to leave a mark!
Patty Tolan: The power of Patty compels you!
Abby Yates: [Patty slaps Abby again] Ow!
Erin Gilbert: Please, Mayor Bradley, you have to believe me. You’re the only one that can do something. Don’t, please don’t be like the mayor in Jaws.
Mayor Bradley: Never compare me to the Jaws mayor. Never!
Basement Cop: Man, nobody ordered a Clark Kent strippergram.
Kevin: [possessed by Rowan] Clark Kent? Oh, because of the glasses and the handsomeness.
Kevin: [after a possessed Kevin knocks out the cops] I should have worked out more when I was alive.
Cabbie: [as Erin hails down a cab] Where you going?
Erin Gilbert: Chinatown.
Cabbie: No, that’s like one more block south than I want to go.
Erin Gilbert: Sir, those are actual ghosts flying around!
Cabbie: Eh, they’re Class Five floating vapors. Nothing to worry about.
Erin Gilbert: No, no, no! It’s important! Don’t you see what’s happening?
Cabbie: Look, I don’t go to Chinatown, I don’t drive wackos, and I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.
Erin Gilbert: [he drives off] What? No, no, no, wait! That’s a double negative! That means you are afraid of ghosts.
[after being knocked down and squashed by a possessed giant Stay Puft marshmallow man]
Patty Tolan: Oh, Lord, have mercy. This is just wrong!
Abby Yates: I can’t move my hand. I can’t reach the trigger.
Jillian Holtzmann: You guys, this is exactly how I pictured my death.
Erin Gilbert: [after she bursts the giant Stay Puft marshmallow man] Proton guns are all well and good, but sometimes you need the Swiss Army.
Abby Yates: [to the ghosts] You know what? I’m glad I didn’t know any of you when you were alive, because I don’t enjoy any of you, especially you.
Abby Yates: [to Rowan, who has possessed Kevin] I know you’re getting real comfy in your Kevin skin suit, but it’s time you hop out. We like him, despite his many, many frustrating quirks.
Jillian Holtzmann: He just started figuring out the phones!
Abby Yates: Yeah.
Erin Gilbert: What year is it?
Jillian Holtzmann: It’s 2040.
Erin Gilbert: What?!
Jillian Holtzmann: Our president is a plant.
Abby Yates: Oh, my God!
Jillian Holtzmann: I’m kidding. You were gone two seconds.
Jillian Holtzmann: We all did it.
Kevin: That’s right. We all did it.
Abby Yates: Well, uh…
Patty Tolan: What did you do, Kevin?
Kevin: I did a lot, actually. I’ll have you know that I walked over to the power box, pushed a bunch of buttons. Everything got sucked into the portal, then it closed up.
Jillian Holtzmann: Oh, Kev. Sweet, sweet Kev. The two are unrelated.
Erin Gilbert: Uh, more important question. When did you have time to get a sandwich?
Kevin: Oh, when I was looking for you guys, I looked in that deli over there.
Abby Yates: When we were risking our lives, trying to save New York City, you stopped in to get a sandwich?
Kevin: Quit splitting hairs, okay? Potatoes, tomatoes. It doesn’t matter. Point is, the Ghostbusters are back together again, okay? And that’s what friends are for.
Abby Yates: [referring to her takeout] I’m just looking for a reasonable ratio of wontons to broth. This is absolute madness.
Bennie: Come on, girl. You deserve every wonton in the world. Don’t let any man tell you otherwise.
4. Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)
'I just don't exhibit emotions the same way everyone else does. Inside, I'm vomiting.' - Phoebe (Ghostbusters: Afterlife) Click To Tweet
Callie: There it is. This is Summerville. This is where your grandfather lived.
Phoebe: And died.
Trevor: Great. You didn’t tell us we inherited a murder house. And just think. Now all of this is ours.
Callie: Pheebs, be a dear and break into your grandfather’s house.
Callie: [as the house starts shaking] Under the dining table now!
Trevor: Remember that summer we died under a table?
Callie: Of course this place is built on a fault line.
Phoebe: Probably just fracking.
Callie: It’s fracking annoying, is what it is.
Trevor: You said we’re only going to be here for a week!
Callie: Yeah, well, that was before we got evicted.
Trevor: You said you had money saved up!
Callie: Yeah, well, that was before I had children.
Phoebe: Well, to be fair, you’ve never been good with money.
Callie: Thanks, Pheebs.
Janine Melnitz: Very sorry for your loss.
Callie: It’s okay. You knew him better than me. I should be sorry for your loss.
Janine Melnitz: Oh, I just tried to keep the bills paid on time, that kind of thing.
Callie: Like a money manager?
Janine Melnitz: Oh, there was no money to manage. He could barely keep the power on.
Callie: So he left us nothing?
Janine Melnitz: Well, I wouldn’t say that. There is quite a bit of debt.
Trevor: I can’t believe we have to spend a summer in this heap. We have lives, you know.
Callie: You don’t think I have a life?
Trevor: No. You’re a mom. You live for us.
Trevor: I saw the sign out front. “Help wanted?” I can be helpful.
Lucky: [looking at his application] Under experience, you put “friendly” with a smiley face?
Trevor: I didn’t really know what to put.
Lucky: I don’t think “friendly” qualifies as an experience.
Trevor: It’s a quality, I guess.
Trevor: You think you can put in a good word for me?
Lucky: I can tell them you have a pulse.
Callie: Hey, Pheebs, at school today, don’t be afraid to just start a conversation.
Trevor: Are you kidding me? That’s horrible advice. You’re literally setting her up for failure.
Trevor: Hey, how are the jokes coming along?
Phoebe: Why should you never trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Callie: That’s funny.
Trevor: No, it’s not.
Callie: What’s wrong? You love school.
Phoebe: I love learning. This is a state sponsored work camp for delinquents.
Callie: Fine. You can help me scrape asbestos out of the attic.
Phoebe: I’ll take my chances with public education.
Callie: Hey, don’t be yourself.
Grooberson: [to the students] My name’s Mr. Grooberson. I know. You don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here either. Now, apparently, your school is still operating on VHS, but I found this gem in the teachers lounge. It’s great. It’s called Cujo. It’s about a rabid Saint Bernard that… You know what? I don’t want to give too much away. But imagine Beethoven if he contracted rabies and just started mauling children. You’ll get an idea. Enjoy.
Podcast: She sits alone. An outcast, rejected by her peers. But what is her secret? Perhaps she’s on the run. On the run from herself. And go.
Phoebe: Actually, my grandfather died. My mom says we’re just here to pick through the rubble of his life.
Phoebe: Is this a seismic map?
Grooberson: Yeah. How did you know that?
Phoebe: Because it’s a map of seismic activity. You’re a seismologist?
Grooberson: Does that seem so hard to believe?
Phoebe: Figured you for a football coach.
Grooberson: Oh, thank you.
Grooberson: I set up geophones, but I can’t triangulate.
Phoebe: Are you using three?
Grooberson: Yeah. I know how many sides there are in a triangle.
Phoebe: I just thought you were being obtuse.
Grooberson: Was that a geometry joke?
Phoebe: Yes, that’s why I winked.
Grooberson: Ah. That’s terrible. No, I loved it.
Grooberson: I mean, somehow, a town that isn’t anywhere near a tectonic plate, that has no underground volcanic activity, no fault lines, no fracking, no loud music even, is shaking on a daily basis.
Phoebe: Maybe it’s the apocalypse.
Phoebe: What do you call a dead polar bear? Anything you want. It can’t hear you now.
Podcast: Wow. That was funny. You’re funny.
Phoebe: It’s a pretty hilarious joke.
Phoebe: I don’t believe in ghosts.
Podcast: What? How can you…? I mean, all the evidence! You don’t believe in spirits?
Phoebe: No. I think we’re all just kind of meat puppets.
Phoebe: So what’s your podcast about?
Podcast: Oh, mostly mysteries and the unknown, conspiracy theories, the occasional restaurant review.
Phoebe: Well, maybe I could check it out sometime.
Podcast: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Podcast: The show really finds its voice on episode forty-six.
Podcast: [as Phoebe is about to enter the farm] So you’re just going to walk in?
Phoebe: Are you recording me?
Podcast: Yeah, just in case your body’s pulled apart into tiny pieces by an unseen dark force.
Phoebe: Alright. Bye.
Grooberson: [referring to the Ghostbusters ghost trap] No way. Killer replica.
Podcast: Totally.
Phoebe: A replica of what?
Grooberson: A trap. A ghost trap. Seriously? How do you of all people not know about this?
Podcast: I’m ashamed.
Grooberson: I was obsessed. New York in the ’80s, it was like The Walking Dead.
Phoebe: Then it just stopped?
Grooberson: I mean, there hasn’t been a ghost sighting in thirty years.
Grooberson: History is safe. Geometry, that’s safe. Science is all particle accelerators and hydrogen bombs. Science is giving yourself the plague and gambling on the cure.
Phoebe: Science is reckless.
Grooberson: Totally! Yes! It’s punk rock. It’s a safety pin through the nipple of academia.
Grooberson: [after opening the ghost trap and unleasing a ghost] We should probably get out of here.
Phoebe: You’re and adult.
Grooberson: Yeah. And liable.
Podcast: You know what this means, right? Your grandfather was a Ghostbuster.
Phoebe: Yes, I’m aware.
Callie: [referring to the kids] You brought them home.
Grooberson: It’s a service I provide. Well, I’m also an escort. That came out wrong.
Callie: Kind of. Yep.
Grooberson: Look, the truth is, I’ve always wondered what lurked inside this haunt box.
Callie: Right. Well, the only thing lurking inside here is my slowly dying soul.
Grooberson: Is that what that smell is?
Callie: Well, it’s not dinner, so.
Podcast: I think Grooberson’s trying to bone your mom.
Phoebe: Oh.
Podcast: That doesn’t bother you?
Phoebe: No, of course it bothers me. I just don’t exhibit emotions the same way everyone else does. Inside, I’m vomiting.
Lucky: What are you doing here in Summerville anyway?
Trevor: Honestly, my mom won’t say it, but we’re broke. And we just got evicted, and the only thing that’s left in our name is this creepy, old farmhouse our grandfather left us in the middle of nowhere.
Callie: That’s how it starts, you know. First there’s a map. Then you move into a haunted house. Then everyone’s calling you the Dirt Farmer.
Phoebe: What kind of scientist was Grandpa?
Callie: The kind that repels loved ones.
Podcast: [referring to the Ghostbusters proton packs] How did you know how to fix it? I mean, no offense, but you are twelve.
Phoebe: I kind of met my grandfather last night. He showed me what to do.
Podcast: No way. Was he like howling and clanking chains?
Phoebe: No. That would’ve been weird.
Phoebe: [after using the proton pack] Did I hit it?
Podcast: You didn’t hit it. You destroyed it! It doesn’t even exist anymore!
Phoebe: [as they see Muncher] It’s a ghost.
Podcast: Aren’t you just a little bit freaked out right now?
Phoebe: Overstimulation calms me.
Phoebe: This is Podcast. He’s my friend.
Trevor: You have a friend?
Phoebe: [referring to the Ecto-1 vehicle] You have a car?
Podcast: Hey, dude. We need a ride. Do you know how to drive?
Phoebe: He doesn’t. He failed his driver’s test three times.
Trevor: Get in the back.
Grooberson: Are you drunk? Or are you just really bored? Because I think I can see you falling asleep.
Callie: I just have an allergy to science.
Grooberson: Have you tried Benadryl?
Callie: I’ve tried whiskey.
Grooberson: It’s better than Benadryl.
Grooberson: Why don’t you like science? Was Phoebe’s dad a scientist, or…?
Callie: Oh, gross. No.
Callie: [referring to Phoebe] She really keeps me on the outside.
Grooberson: She’s just an awkward, nerdy kid, but she’s awesome. I think she’s great. I think you’re great. You’re a great mom. Yeah. You showed up. You win.
Callie: I just wish she’d relax, you know? Just get into some trouble.
Grooberson: There’s plenty of time for that. Who knows, maybe she’ll take up pole dancing.
Callie: Well, she’s not very coordinated.
Grooberson: Oh, I don’t think that matters.
Trevor: I know the Manhattan ghost stories.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, the stories are real.
Podcast: Yeah, and so were the guys who climbed a building, and saved the world, and fought back an invading army of the undead. Not to mention a one hundred foot marshmallow man.
Phoebe: Our grandfather was Egon Spengler. He was a Ghostbuster.
Podcast: Dude, your grandfather was a legend. You can literally be anything you want. Like a influencer, or a DJ.
Trevor: I guess I just thought it was easier when I thought he went nuts.
Phoebe: He didn’t go nuts.
Trevor: Exactly. So why did he leave mom?
Phoebe: Hey. Don’t we get a phone call?
Sheriff Domingo: Sure you do. Who you going to call?
Ray Stantz: [answers a call] Ray’s Occult, and we’re closed.
Phoebe: Wait! I only get one phone call. I’m in prison.
Ray Stantz: The slammer, huh? I’ve been there myself. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m listening.
Phoebe: Are you Ray Stantz, the Ghostbuster?
Ray Stantz: And now I’m hanging up.
Phoebe: Hang on. Please. I’m calling about Egon Spengler.
Ray Stantz: Egon Spengler can rot in hell.
Phoebe: He died last week.
Ray Stantz: Oh, man.
Phoebe: What happened to you guys?
Ray Stantz: Oh, well, look, when we started, busting ghosts was a gas. The economy was good. Reagan years. People believed in us. Then things got slow, hauntings got thin. Venkman thought we did our job too well. We could barely keep up our mortgage. Some actor bought up most of Tribeca, and we lost the firehouse. It’s a Starbucks now.
Phoebe: Well, what about Egon?
Ray Stantz: Well, he wasn’t helping. We went from ten calls a week, to one if we were lucky. Then Egon started to tell people that their ghost problems didn’t matter because the world was coming to an end. He got spooky. Freaked me out! One morning, I go to work and Ecto-1, our old Cadillac, is gone, his neutrona thrower, collider pack, all the traps, sixteen ounces of fuel isotope, all gone! He cleaned us out. Now we were the dead ones.
Ray Stantz: [to Phoebe] Take a little advice. Don’t go chasing ghosts.
Grooberson: Why don’t we just pick it up tomorrow night, same time.
Callie: You really want more of this?
Grooberson: Are you kidding me? We had kung pao shrimp. We went to jail. I mean, I don’t know how we’re going to top this. This is a home run.
Phoebe: Don’t you think your father came out here for a reason?
Callie: No. No. I think he was a sad old man who turned his back on his family, his partners. And for what? For a stupid farm in a town nobody cares about. Where, by the way, everybody thought he was nuts. Yeah, great decision, Dad.
Phoebe: He was special. He loved science, like me. Why didn’t you tell me my grandfather was Egon Spengler?
Callie: Hey, I’m glad you found yourself here. I really am. But all I see are reminders that I didn’t mean a thing to him. He never cared about me.
Phoebe: He’s not nuts.
Callie: Well, then he’s an a**hole. Welcome to the family.
Phoebe: So, what do a cigarette and hamster have in common?
Lucky: What?
Phoebe: They’re both completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Trevor: Is that her? Is that Gozer?
Phoebe: Gozer isn’t he or she.
Lucky: Pretty woke for 3000 BC.
Trevor: I wonder where this one leads to.
Podcast: A sacrificial death pit.
Phoebe: What were they sacrificing?
Lucky: [to Trevor] Virgins, probably. Tough luck for you, dude. Sorry.
Phoebe: Well, statistically, most fifteen year-olds are virgins.
Trevor: Shh!
Lucky: Fifteen? You’re fifteen?
Trevor: I’ll be sixteen in February.
Lucky: It’s June.
Phoebe: He was right all along.
Lucky: What do you mean?
Phoebe: Our grandfather. He was right here. He built this. He was standing guard, even when no one believed him. He sacrificed everything. His life. His friends. Us.
Podcast: Bummer.
Phoebe: Mom, are you okay?
Callie (Zuul): There is no Mom. There is only Zuul.
Trevor: What’s a capacitor?
Phoebe: Would it kill you to read?
Trevor: Would it kill you to just tell me?
Podcast: [referring to the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper] But first these spirits must possess two human souls.
Trevor: Like Mom.
Phoebe: So they can unite, formally.
Lucky: What are we talking about?
Podcast: We’re thinking at least third base.
Lucky: Go, Mom.
Gozer: Have you come to offer yourself in sacrifice?
Phoebe: What?
Gozer: Are you prepared to die?
Phoebe: No, I’m twelve.
Callie: What’s happening? Where am I?
Phoebe: Mom, it’s okay.
Podcast: You were kind of possessed.
Callie: Possessed?
Phoebe: And then you turned into a dog.
Podcast: Then you got kind of humpy.
Callie: Humpy?
Callie: What the hell was that?
Trevor: That was your boyfriend Gary.
Callie: Boyfriend?
Peter Venkman: [to Gozer] Hey, flattop. Have you missed us?
Ray Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian, in the name of the county of Summerville, state of Oklahoma, the US Fish and Wildlife Service, all the members of Ducks Unlimited, the Association for the Advancement of Retired Persons, I command you under the National Invasive Species Act to depart this world immediately.
Peter Venkman: Bravo.
Gozer: Are you a god?
Peter Venkman: Ray? Oh, come on, Ray.
Ray Stantz: Yes.
Winston Zeddemore: Yeah, we’re all gods.
Peter Venkman: Yeah, I mean, we’re all pretty dang special down here. On a personal note, I thought that we had busted up for good. It wasn’t working for me. My friends didn’t think so. I know yours didn’t.
Winston Zeddemore: Okay, playtime’s over. Let’s toast this muffin.
Peter Venkman: Light them up.
Winston Zeddemore: [as they power up their proton packs] Man, I love that sound.
Ray Stantz: [after Gozer slams them against the car] I don’t remember this job being so painful.
Winston Zeddemore: I do.
Peter Venkman: [to Gozer] You got a lot of nerve. Coming back here, crawling back to me. We could’ve been the most spectacular power couple. You know, my sense of fun and your personality. But, no, you always had to vanquish and conquer. You always had to maim somebody.
Peter Venkman: [to Egon’s ghost] I thought you might turn up.
Ray Stantz: I’m sorry. I didn’t believe you.
Winston Zeddemore: I should’ve called. I miss you, my friend.
Callie: Callie Spengler.
Peter Venkman: Spengler? Weird name. Try to make the best of that.
Grooberson: I mean, before we became dogsm and opened the gates of hell, I think that maybe we…
Callie: Yeah. Yeah, I think so too. But then we saved the world, so.
Grooberson: That’s true.
Podcast: You got to be on my podcast.
Ray Stantz: Sure. What’s it called?
Podcast: Mystical Tales of the Unknown Universe.
Ray Stantz: MTUU, that’s you?
Podcast: Wait. You’re my subscriber?!
Ray Stantz: Really found its voice in the forty-sixth episode.
Peter Venkman: [mid-credits lines] You’re amazing. With your ability to flood my psychic powers.
Dana Barrett Venkman: I can’t believe you used to shock your students.
Peter Venkman: Between us, I only zapped the guys. It was flawed science. I know that now. I admit that.
Winston Zeddemore: [post-credits lines] Egon was the brains. Ray was the heart. Peter just kept it cool.
Janine Melnitz: Who were you?
Winston Zeddemore: The sex appeal.
Winston Zeddemore: Well, see, that’s the thing. I don’t do it for me. I do it for my kids, and I want to be an example of what’s possible.
Janine Melnitz: You still covering the rent at Ray’s bookshop?
Winston Zeddemore: Ray’s going to turn a profit one of these days.
Janine Melnitz: I remember the day you came in.
Winston Zeddemore: I came in looking for a steady paycheck. But busting ghosts with the guys taught me not to be afraid. That I had the tools and I had the talent. I started this business with one employee. And I’ve grown it into a thriving global enterprise. I may be a businessman, but I will always be a Ghostbuster.