Starring: Jacob Tremblay, Keith L. Williams, Brady Noon, Molly Gordon, Lil Rel Howery, Will Forte, Midori Francis, Christian Darrel Scott
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Comedy written and directed by Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky. The story centers on three sixth grade boys, Max (Jacob Tremblay), Thor (Brady Noon), and Lucas (Keith L. Williams). After being invited to his first kissing party, Max is panicking because he doesn’t know how to kiss. Eager for some pointers, Max, Thor and Lucas, decide to use Max’s dad’s drone, which they are forbidden to touch, to spy on a teenage couple who are making out next door. But when things go ridiculously wrong, the drone is destroyed. Desperate to replace it before Max’s dad gets home, the boys skip school and set off an odyssey of epically bad decisions involving some accidentally stolen dr*gs, frat-house paintball, and running from both the cops and terrifying teenage girls.
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[interrupting the boys gathering in Thor’s room]
Annabelle: I know what c*caine is.
Thor: Annabelle, get out of here. Bean Bag Boys only.
Annabelle: I heard at the skatepark, the older kids will make you take drugs.
Max: We’ll never do drugs. They destroy lives and communities.
Annabelle: You have no choice.
[Thor’s mom enters the room]
Thor’s Mom: Annabelle, don’t antagonize your brother. Come on, go upstairs.
[as they get caught watching Hannah kissing Benji]
Benji: Hey, Stranger Things, go f*ck yourselves!
[to Lucas and Thor]
Max: We’re in sixth grade now, we need to start doing sixth grade things.
Soren: I’m having a party tomorrow night. All these fools are coming. You in?
Taylor: You should come. Trust me.
Max: Yeah, I’ll come. But, you know, I have to ask my mom.
Soren: Also, it’s going to be a kissing party.
[Max looks afraid as the other look at him]
Soren: You French kissed girls before, right?
Max: Yeah. Of course.
Max: Their mouths?
Marcus: Yeah, dawg.
[as they watch Max talking to Soren and his friends in the schoo diner]
Lucas: He’s not about to start sitting with the popular kids, is he?
Thor: No. If anyone should be over there, it’s me.
SCAB Kid: We heard some kids were calling you sippy cup, and we just wanted to let you know, you can always call on the Student Coalition Against Bullying for protection.
[holds up his juice box]
Thor: Does this look like a sippy cup? No. It’s a f*cking juice box! Because I’m not a f*cking child!
Max: Like can I bring Thor and Lucas?
[they look over to Thor and Lucas]
Soren: So random.
Max: No, they’re cool.
Soren: I’m trying to keep it half girls, half guys.You feel me, dawg?
Max: I feel you, dawg, but they’re my best friends. We do everything together. We’re the Bean Bag Boys.
Soren: That’s a dope-*ss name. F*ck it. Bring them. I’d have them roll with my squad too. Let me know what your mom says, dawg.
Max: Okay. Bye dawg. Bye dawgs.
Max: Soren just invited us to his party.
Thor: He said my name? He said Thor?
Max: Pretty much.
Max: Oh, there’s also going to be girls there. You know what that means?
Max: So, do you guys know how to kiss?
Thor: I have no, no. No. Not at all.
Thor: I have an idea.
[we see him type “PORB” in internet search, then delete the B and hit N, they enter a site]
Thor: “Are you eighteen or older?”
Max: I’m going to click yes.
Lucas: We’re not eighteen or older. This is could go on our permanent record.
[as they are watching an adult movie in horror]
Thor: Ugh. No way that’s going to fit in there.
Lucas: Get out of there, girl!
Max: Where did his hand go?
Lucas: Oh, my God!
[they all scream in horror and close the laptop]
[referring to the adult movie they watched]
Max: Nobody even kissed.
Thor: Yeah, not on their mouth, at least.
[to Lucas and Max]
Thor: My parents have a CPR doll. We can go practice kissing on that. Come on.
Max: This is a really pretty CPR doll. I guess I’ll go first.
[as Max starts to lean in to kiss the CPR doll]
Lucas: Stop! What are you doing?
Max: Kissing her?
Lucas: You can’t kiss someone without their permission. Remember from Assembly?
[referring to the CPR doll]
Thor: Pretend it’s Brixlee. Try to be a gentleman.
[to the doll]
Max: Brixlee, can I kiss you?
[Lucas pretends to be the doll and answers]
Lucas: Yeah. What do you like about me?
Max: Well, you’re sweet, you smell good, you’re smart too. You always push Henry in his wheelchair, even though he’s super mean. And just when I think I’ve got you figured out, you go ahead and start skateboarding.
Max: I consent.
[after Max kisses the CPR doll]
Lucas: How was it?
[Max pulls out a hair from his mouth]
Max: Why does she have hair in her mouth? You know what, this isn’t teaching us anything. We’re missing real people kissing. That’s the only way to know if we’re doing it right.
Max: My neighbor is a total nymphomaniac. Her boyfriend’s always over.
Lucas: She starts fires?
Max: No, that’s a pyromaniac. She’s a nymphomaniac. Someone who has s*x on land and sea.
[as Max is contemplating taking his dad’s drone to spy on Hannah]
Lucas: If he finds out, you’ll be grounded. You won’t be able to go to Soren’s. And even worse, you’ll lose your father’s trust.
Max: That’s true too.
[referring to Brixlee]
Lucas: She’ll love you for who you are.
Thor: Yeah, a sh*tty kisser. Remember the p*rn from earlier? That guy didn’t even know how to kiss. He was just licking that woman’s a**hole. You want to kiss an a**hole, Max?
Lucas: Max, don’t listen to him. He just wants to go because he’s obsessed with the popular boys.
Thor: Believe me, Max, you don’t want to go to Soren’s not knowing how to kiss.
[as they are spying on Hannah and Lily with the drone; to Thor and Lucas]
Max: We need to get a closer look.
[after Hannah and Lily take their drone]
Max: My dad’s going to kill me. What do we do now?
[Thor smashes a pot of plant]
Max, Lucas: Woh!
Thor: We say there was a break-in. They trashed the place and took the drone.
Max: That’s the most stupid f*cking idea I’ve ever heard!
Lucas: Guys! Guys! All we have to do is just go up there and tell the truth. Then God would be on our side.
[after Max, Lucas and Thor go to get their drone back from Hannah]
Hannah: Hey. Can I help you?
Max: I hope so, ma’am. We were using our drone to follow a family of turtles, and we thought it might have crashed in your backyard.
Hannah: Oh, yeah, yeah, it’s here. Come on in.
[they enter the house]
Hannah: So you guys like turtles?
Hannah: That’s awesome.
[as they enter the kitchen they see Lily with the drone]
Lily: Time’s up, m*therf*ckers.
Thor: Sh*t, it’s a trap!
Hannah: You think I give a f*ck about turtles?
Lucas: We’re sorry, we just wanted to learn how to kiss.
Max: Lucas, that’s none of their business.
Lucas: We should’ve just told the truth. We’re going to a kissing party, and none of us have ever kissed, and we’re scared!
Thor: Goddammit, Lucas! I’ve had s*x before, but I’ve never kissed a girl.
Hannah: Just go online and type in “how to kiss”. That’s what everyone does.
Max, Lucas, Thor: Oh.
Lily: It’s very easy.
Max: Can I please have it back? I really need it. Please.
Lily: I don’t think so.
Max: If you don’t give it back, I’ll tell my dad you stole it.
Hannah: Then I’ll tell him that you’re a pervert. We’ll tell the whole school.
Lucas: This is sensual harassment.
Lily: I‘ll tell everyone that you’re a misogynist.
Max: I never massaged anyone.
Hannah: This is what happens when you don’t respect women.
Lucas: I respect women! My mom’s my best friend!
Thor: What about me?
[after Thor has stolen Hannah’s handbag, they empty the contents on the table, Thor holds up a tampon]
Lucas: What is it?
Thor: I have no idea.
Max: That’s a tampon.
Lucas: What’s it for?
Max: Girls shove it up their b*ttholes to stop babies from coming out. An eighth grader told me that.
Lucas: The human body is truly a mystery.
[they get a call from the Hannah and Lily]
Hannah: You took my bag, it has my license, my phone. Bring it back right now!
Max: F*ck that noise. I want my drone back.
Lily: [to Hannah] I got this. I got this.
[to Max; disguising her voice to sound low and scary]
Lily: What did you just say, you little b*tch? I’ll take a sh*t down your throat!
[Hannah puts the call on mute]
Hannah: Why are you talking like that?
Lily: Hannah, I have a little brother. You’re supposed to scare them.
Hannah: Well, you scared me.
Hannah: Listen, we were just trying to teach you a lesson. I promise you, we were going to give the drone back.
[Lucas puts the call on mute]
Lucas: No way! They could trick us again. Or overpower us.
[back to Hannah and Lily]
Hannah: Oh, my God. What if they take the Molly?
Lily: They won’t be able to take it.
Hannah: No, they’re children, they would die.
Max: This is Max from earlier. Meet us at the playground across from John Adams, tomorrow at 7:40 AM. Bring the drone. And don’t f*ck with the Bean Bag Boys!
Lucas: That was tough.
Thor: Very tough.
Max: Kind of got a hold on the toughness first.
Hannah: We’re still on the phone.
Lucas: Turn it off!
[they all scramble to turn off the phone]
[the boys meets Hannah and Lily a the playground]
Max: Don’t come any closer!
Max: Because you could overpower us.
Lucas: So put the drone on the slide, and count back from a hundred, and close your eyes. And don’t try anything funny. There are witnesses.
Lily: Kid, we have a long drive ahead of us. So give us the bag, or I will hurt you. Do not test me.
Thor: Threats will get you nowhere, Hanson.
Lily: Just give us the f*cking Molly!
Max: Okay, who’s Molly? Because she’s not with us.
Thor: Guys, Molly is a s*x dr*g. Dateline did an exposé on it.
Lucas: You had us bring dr*gs to a f*cking playground?! There are children here!
Lucas: Deal’s off. We can’t let them put dr*gs back on the street.
[referring to Hannah and Lily]
Thor: Look at those dirty f*cking junkies. Their lives are already ruined. Let’s just give them the dr*gs and get the drone.
Max: Maybe there’s a way we can protect our community, and get the drone back. Stall them.
[Max turns as Lucas and Thor start talking to the girls again]
Lucas: So, what do you plan to do with those dr*gs, huh?
Lily: Take them, and feel amazing.
[quietly to Thor]
Lucas: They’re addicts.
[to Hannah and Lily]
Thor: So you’ve been dr*gging your whole life?
Lily: Every day.
Thor: Uh-huh. Nice.
[after they get SCAB to help them get away from Hannah and Lily]
Lucas: SCAB just tagged us on Instagram.
Thor: First, sippy cup, and now this? I’m two weeks into sixth grade and I’m already a social piranha.
Thor: Here’s the plan, I’m going to bring the beer to Soren’s. And I’m going to sip that beer so everyone will know…
Lucas: That you’re an alcoholic.
Thor: That would be great.
Max: I need to get rid of these dr*gs.
[as Max goes to throw the dr*gs, Lucas stops him]
Lucas: What are you doing?
Max: Getting rid of the dr*gs! I’m just going to throw them in the stream!
Lucas: It can contaminate the water!
Thor: Well, then we could throw it in the forest.
Lucas: It’s a s*x dr*g. What if a fox eats it and tries to f*ck a squirrel? It’ll kill him!
Max: Well, then how do we get rid of dr*gs?
Thor: The same way we get rid of a b*by.
Thor: No! We drop it off at the firehouse on our way up to the mall.
Lucas: That’s a really good idea.
[to Max and Lucas]
Thor: I found all of these weapons in the back of my parents closet.
[we see he’s laid out a bunch of s*x toys on the table]
[Lucas reads the side of a box that says “An*l Beads”]
Lucas: “Ahnal Beads?”
Thor: AKA, nunchucks, m*therf*cker!
[he starts spinning the beads like nunchucks]
Lucas: It’s not a toy!
[he hits himself in the head]
[Lucas picks up the beads and takes a sniff]
Lucas: Smell like sh*t.
[Thor has stuffed a bottle of beer down the front of his pants and tries to leave the store]
Officer Sacks: Hold it. Come here. What do you have in your pants?
Thor: My penis.
Officer Sacks: Pull it out.
[Thor pulls out the bottle of beer]
Thor: I also have a big d*ck.
[referring to the beer bottle]
Officer Sacks: Put it back. I’m being generous today.
[after stopping Thor for stealing the beer bottle]
Lucas: We also have dr*gs.
Lucas: He was on to us.
Officer Sacks: Okay, what do you have?
Lucas: Schedule one controlled substance, with intent to distribute.
[Lucas gives him the bottle]
Officer Sacks: Brother, these are vitamins, okay? Children’s vitamins at that.
Lucas: No, those are dr*gs!
[holds up his cup of coffee]
Officer Sacks: Well, look, if that’s dr*gs, this is dr*gs too.
Lucas: If you don’t arrest us, I’ll report you.
Officer Sacks: Leave me the f*ck alone! I mean, sorry to f*cking swear at kids, but f*ck! You know, I’m going to arrest you for f*cking ruining my day. Alright?
[picks up the bottle Lucas gave him]
Officer Sacks: I’ll take them. Let me go home!
[referring to the CPR doll that they’re trying to sell]
Claude: What can you tell me about her backstory? Where’s she supposed to be from? She seems quite exotic. Okay, listen carefully, because I’ll make this offer only once. Four hundred bucks to take her off your hands.
Thor: No. We need five-fifty US.
Claude: F*ck off! That’s my entire allowance.
Max: Listen, Claude, let’s just cut the bullsh*t. I’m the son of a businesswoman. And I think we both know, if you didn’t want to buy the doll, you would’ve left already. Stop treating us like kids. We know how things work. So do you want to buy the CPR doll, or not?
[we see Claude carrying the CPR doll out of the house]
Claude: Fools! I’d have paid a thousand!
[to Lucas and Thor]
Max: Anyone else feel like he’s going to f*ck that doll?
[referring to his dislocated arm]
Lucas: The pain!
Thor: Lucas, you have to be quiet.
Max: Okay, do we have any ice?
Thor: No, we’re in a f*cking alley.
Max: What about pain medication?
Thor: We have the Molly we can give him.
Thor: Yeah, he’s probably just going to try and have s*x with us.
Lucas: Call and ambulance! Mission’s over!
Max: We’ll get busted. Do you even have insurance?
Lucas: I don’t know, do you?
Max: I don’t know! I think I only have a deductible.
Thor: It’s alright. This happens to MMA fighters all the time. We just got to ram your arm into something very hard so it pops back in place.
Lucas: Fine! F*ck it. Let’s just get this over with! Ow!
Thor: Come on, easy. One, two, three!
[Max and Thor throw Lucas against the trash bin and Lucas yells out in pain]
Lucas: Wrong arm!
[as they try to make their way to the mall]
Lucas: Great. Now we’re trapped between a highway and the authorities.
Thor: Well, we wouldn’t be in this position right now if you weren’t such a narc.
Max: Guys, the mall’s right there. All we have to do is cross the highway. And the cars aren’t even moving. Now, are we fifth graders, or are we sixth graders?
[as they are preparing to cross the highway]
Lucas: Wait. You stole another beer?
Max: What the f*ck, Thor?!
Thor: Hey, you guys aren’t the ones who’s going to have sippy cup on their goddamn tombstone!
[as Thor spits accidentally onto Max’s face]
Max: God, say it, don’t spray it.
Benji: Can I help you?
Max: Good afternoon. We would like to buy two pieces of Molly, please.
Benji: [laughs] Did Raffi from Sigma Nu send you? He did, that f*cker. You guys are like seven.
Benji: Oh, except for you, I recognize you from Econ. What’s up, man?
Benji: Seriously, I’m not selling dr*gs to kids.
Max: We’re not kids, we’re tweens.
Benji: Who told you to come here?
Thor: Sell us the dr*gs and you’ll find out.
Benji: Alright. Stay there.
[Benji returns to give them the dr*gs]
Benji: Tell me who sent you.
[Thor and Max look at him]
Lucas: What? It’s fine?
Benji: So this is what she thinks of me, huh? You can tell Hannah that if she wants Molly, she can suck my d*ck.
Max: You shouldn’t talk about a woman like that. The only time she should suck your d*ck is when she gives you consent.
Benji: You can suck my d*ck.
Benji: And you can suck my d*ck too.
Lucas: What about me? I’m just going to sit here? We’re the Bean Bag Boys. We do everything together.
Benji: Get the f*ck out of here, you little f*cking babies. Let’s go. Get out!
[after exchanging the dr*gs with a new drone]
Hannah: Wow, you guys are little bad*sses.
Max: Because we’re the Bean Bag Boys.
Hannah: I don’t know what that means.
Max: We have bean bags.
[Lily gives Max the drone]
Lily: It’s been real, guys.
Hannah: Have fun at your kissing party.
Max: Thank you!
[as Thor and Max are fighting and hitting each other]
Lucas: Stop fighting!
Lucas: You should never call a woman a skank! You should never call a woman anything!
Lucas: And you! You made us ditch school, run around with dr*gs, and locked a cop in a convenience store with what I now suspect is a d*ldo!
[to the old man watching and laughing at them]
Lucas: What the f*ck are you looking at, Gandalf?!
[after Max’s dad finds out that Max took his drone]
Max’s Dad: Everything you like is now canceled! Birthdays are canceled. Holidays are canceled. Summers, canceled.
Max’s Mom: Winter is coming.
Max: I’m sorry, daddy.
Max’s Dad: No, no, no! You are no longer allowed to call me daddy. Call me Andrew, or Mr. Newman, or Warden. Beneath that cherubic face, devil lives inside you. I will always love you, because you are my son. But I no longer like you.
Lucas: And then we run across the highway, my arm got ripped out, and a fake woman shot out of a car. But we still got the dr*gs, but then we traded the drone for it, and Max destroyed his house with it. But it was only because he wanted to marry Brixlee, and now he can’t because he’s grounded for life. And we got into a huge fight, and the Bean Bag Boys are broke up. And, am I in trouble?
Lucas’s Dad: Okay, son. Now, look, I love a good story with a bunch of gibberish just as much as anybody, okay? And I know you’re going through a stressful time, but it doesn’t give you a reason to tell us fibs.
Lucas: I’m not fibbing.
Lucas’s Dad: I’m a hundred percent sure you’re fibbing to me.
Lucas: I’m not fibbing!
Lucas’s Mom: [to Lucas] Okay, I think I understand what’s happening here. You think you’re losing us. And now, you’re worried you’re going to lose your friends too.
Lucas’s Dad: Look at me, man, we’ll always be there. Right, I mean, don’t get me wrong. You know, me and your mom are not the same people we were when we first met.
Lucas’s Mom: Mm-hmm.
Lucas’s Dad: You tend to grow apart sometimes, but it’s okay.
Lucas’s Dad: You remember your hermit crab?
Lucas: Herman? Yeah.
Lucas’s Dad: That’s right, Herman. And you remember why he died.
Lucas’s Mom: Oh, son of a…
Lucas: You told me he ran away!
Lucas’s Dad: Technically, yes. He ran away, but then he died.
Lucas: Oh, my gosh, how?
Lucas’s Mom: Herman died because hermit crabs grow out of their shell, and they need to find new bigger seashells on the beach to grow into, or they die, and we didn’t know that.
Lucas: So, Herman died because of you guys?
Lucas’s Mom: The point is, you and your friends are growing and changing, and y’all need to find bigger shells. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
[Max yells when he sees a masked person outside his bedroom window]
Lucas: It’s Lucas.
Max: You scared the sh*t out of me.
Lucas: I didn’t want your parents to see my face.
Max: Why are you even here?
Lucas: I’ve grown a lot in the last two hours. My parents divorce has really changed me. If the Bean Bag Boys don’t grow together, they’ll grow apart.
Max: I don’t want that. I don’t want to get a divorce from you.
Lucas: Then you need to go to Soren’s party. You need to sneak out.
Max: I can’t, I’m grounded. Besides, Brixlee’s necklace is still in the kiln.
Lucas: Let me worry about the necklace. And what are your parents going to do, double ground you? Is Brixlee your forever or not?
Lucas: Then you need to come with me now.
[as Lucas is taking Max to Soren’s party]
Max: You said Thor wasn’t coming.
Thor: What the hell’s he doing here?
Lucas: Parent trapped your *sses. See, now we’re all in a bigger hermit crabshell together.
[Max and Thor look at him with confusion]
Lucas: It made sense when my parents said it.
Thor: So you took the blame for us, huh?
Max: Yeah, I thought about what you would do, and did the opposite!
[after Thor decides not to kiss Brixlee from Spin the Bottle game, knowing how Max feels about her]
Max: I’m sorry I called you a tryhard.
Thor: No, you were right. This whole time, I’ve been trying to be someone who I wasn’t. I got an earring. I drank a beer. I quit singing.
Max: I guess I went a little crazy today too. Let’s get out of here.
Thor: No. You don’t want to do that. You’re going to stay down here and kiss Brixlee.
Max: Bean Bag Boys do everything together.
Thor: Not everything. Not anymore.
Max: Maybe those old girls were right. Maybe we’re on different paths.
Max: What are you going to do?
Thor: I don’t know. I just know it’s not this.
[after running into Hannah and Lily at Soren’s party]
Lily: Where’s your friend with the sad eyes?
Hannah: Sad boy Max?
Lucas: In the basement, kissing. It’s an orgy down there.
Hannah: And you guys aren’t into that?
Lily: Aw, it’s okay. You’re only in sixth grade. You guys are going to figure it out.
Hannah: Yeah, you have your whole life for that. No rush, no rush.
[after Max’s performance at the school musical]
Thor: I thought you’re still grounded.
Max: It ended yesterday. A month in the hole.
Thor: Thanks again for taking the fall.
Max: You would’ve done the same.
[referring to Lucas’s new girlfriend]
Thor: So, how’s it going with Scout?
Max: Good. But hard. But good. Our relationship is a lot of work. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Max: Carlos and those SCAB guys seem cool.
Lucas: They’re cool. But they’re not the Bean Bag Boys.
[Max looks over to Scout, who’s motions for him to come over]
Max: Alright. I guess I should go.
Thor: Yeah, alright. Well…
[the three of them hug each other]
Max: I missed you guys. Let’s make a promise, even if we don’t hang out all the time, we’ll still always be there for the big stuff.
Thor: Bean Bag Boys for life.
Max: Bean Bag Boys for life.
Lucas: Bean Bag Boys for life.
[referring to the s*x swing he’s hanging from in his parents room]
Thor: Yoh, guys, check this out.
Lucas: An indoor swing?
Max: You always have the best toys.
Thor: Yeah! Flip that switch.
[Max flips the switch and the lights change to an ambient purple]
Thor: How cool is this?
Max: Your parents love to play. What do they do with it?
Thor: They swing on it.
Max: Can we go on it
Thor: F*ck, yeah.
[last lines; we see the boys playing around on the swing when suddenly Annabelle interrupts them]
Annabelle: Thor? What are you doing in mom and dad’s room?
Thor: Get the hell out to here, Annabelle!
Annabelle: That swing is for s*xing. People do s*x on it.
Max, Lucas, Thor: Oh!
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