Copyright Notice: It’s easy to see when our selected quotes have been copied and pasted, as you’re also copying our format, mistakes, and movie scene descriptions. If you decide to copy from us please be kind and either link back, or refer back to our site. Please check out our copyright policies here. Thanks!
Starring: Chris Pratt, Dave Bautista, Karen Gillan, Pom Klementieff, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper, Sean Gunn, Michael Rooker, Zoe Saldaña, Kevin Bacon, Maria Bakalova
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Disney+ MCU action adventure comedy television special written and directed by James Gunn. The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (2022) follows the Guardians as they celebrate Christmas and set out to Earth to find the best gift for Peter Quill (Chris Pratt).
Yondu: [flashback] I hate Christmas!
Kraglin: And that’s how Yondu ruined Christmas forever.
Mantis: That is so sad.
Drax: I like the part where Yondu kicked over the tree.
Mantis: That was such a heartbreaking story.
Drax: I know. I hate stories where everybody lives.
Bzermikitokolok: [to Peter] Everything I know about Christmas, I learned from Rocket, who learned from Cosmo, who learned from Kraglin, who learned from you. So I thought I might just take it back to the source and make sure I understand this all correctly. This is, after all, a historical document.
Bzermikitokolok: [singing] Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers. He flies to every human home in under fourteen hours. He’s a master burglar. A pro at picking locks. If you don’t leave milk and cookies out, he will put dung in your socks.
Peter Quill: That is not part of the lore at all.
Bzermikitokolok: [singing] If you act nicely through the night, and don’t jump on your bed, Santa comes with sugar plums and hurls them at your head. But if you’re on his naughty list, he shoots missiles at your toes. He might just roast your chestnuts with his powerful flamethrower
Peter Quill: No! he doesn’t have a flamethrower!
Bzermikitokolok: [singing] I don’t know what Christmas is, but Christmastime is here. He’s compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish. One sought to be a dentist, now he’s sleeping with the fish.
Mantis: It sounds like Christmas is a wonderful time, and Yondu ruined it for Peter. I feel like I should do something.
Mantis: Because of, you know, my secret. The one only you know.
Drax: That you ate the entire bowl of zarg-nuts in the commissary?
Mantis: My other secret.
Drax: That you’re Quill’s sister?
Drax: Why don’t you just tell people the truth?
Mantis: Peter’s father, our father, killed his mother, and tried to kill him. I don’t want him to be reminded of that every time he sees me.
Drax: No, I meant about the zarg-nuts.
Mantis: Maybe because I’m his sister, I feel like I should give Peter a happy Christmas. He’s so sad about Gamora being gone. Maybe if we gave Peter a really wonderful Christmas gift, it would make him happy.
Drax: Well, we could give him those zarg-nuts, except you ate them all.
Mantis: Get over the zarg-nuts!
Drax: What kind of present?
Mantis: Something special he will never forget.
Drax: What about someone special?
Drax: Over the years, Quill has talked about one person more than any other. A legendary hero who has saved countless lives. We could give him to Quill as a present.
Mantis: [to Drax] I wish I brought Groot.
Drax: Do you think Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world, or just to most people?
Mantis: I think everybody.
Tourist Mom: [as they take selfies with Drax and Mantis] We got a picture with the God of War.
Mantis: Have you seen Kevin Bacon anywhere?
Bartender: Why would I know where Kevin Bacon is located?
'Do you think Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world, or just to most people?' - Drax: 'I think everybody.' - Mantis (The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special) Click To Tweet
Handsome Man: Come out and dance with us.
Drax: Dancing is for people who are pathetic.
Mantis: I can’t believe not a single one of our new homies know where Kevin Bacon is. There are tens of thousands of people on this planet, and we don’t even know what Kevin Bacon looks like.
Kevin Bacon: [over intercom] Yeah. Can I help you?
Mantis: Yes. We are looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon.
Drax: We’re looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon!
Mantis: I just said that, Drax!
Drax: But your voice is small and mousey. I think maybe he didn’t hear you.
Mantis: He heard. He’s Kevin Bacon, and he’s probably got great ears.
Kevin Bacon: I’m sorry, guys. I can’t help you.
Mantis: Do you think you can toss me over the gate if you…
Mantis: [as Drax tosses her over the gate] Ow! What are you doing?
Drax: Tossing you over the gate.
Mantis: I didn’t mean right that second. I meant after I was ready. I wasn’t even done talking.
Drax: Toss you over the gate. Don’t toss you over the gate. Make up your mind!
Drax: [referring to the giant elf] I want this funny man.
Mantis: Don’t just take stuff.
Mantis: [as she takes the giant candy cane] But I guess that’s what it’s here for.
Kevin Bacon: [to Drax and Mantis] Okay, guys, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but this is not cool. This is private property. Now, kindly put down my elf, and my candy cane, and go.
Drax: [as they crash through Kevin Bacon’s front door] You’re coming with us, as a Christmas present.
Drax: [referring to the candy cane] You still have your swirly red and white curly man.
Mantis: How can you possibly think this is a man?
Drax: What is it?
Mantis: I don’t know. A shape?
Mantis: Drax, do you love Peter and want to save Christmas? Or do you want a little funny man?
Drax: A little funny man.
Mantis: Drax! You can’t just kill people.
Drax: Well, how am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?
'We got Quill the worst gift ever. A disgusting actor!' - Drax (The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special) Click To Tweet
Mantis: [to the cops] We are not doing anything wrong. We are just taking the legendary hero Kevin Bacon, to give him as a present to a friend who is sad about Christmas.
Kevin Bacon: Would you consider grabbing dinner, like one time, a team-up?
Mantis: No. Eating together is not a team-up.
Drax: Tell us, what was it like when you had to save a small town by dancing like an idiot?
Kevin Bacon: Oh. Well, that wasn’t me. That was a character that I played, Ren McCormack, in the movie, Footloose.
Mantis: What about when you fought and defeated the super-strong masked killer Jason Voorhees in the woods?
Kevin Bacon: Nope. Again, not me. Just a character I played. And he didn’t actually kill Jason. He got stabbed through the neck with an arrow.
'Kevin Bacon, you have to pretend you're an actual hero, or else Christmas is doomed.' - Mantis (The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special) Click To Tweet
Mantis: [referring to Kevin Bacon] He’s an actor! He’s never actually saved anyone.
Drax: But actors are repugnant.
Mantis: I know. They make me feel gross and creepy when they pretend to be someone else.
Drax: We got Quill the worst gift ever. A disgusting actor!
Mantis: This is the worst day of my life!
Drax: We ruined Christmas worse than Yondu.
Kevin Bacon: Hello. I’m the Batman. I mean, hello. I’m Bruce Wayne.
Drax: Who is Bruce Wayne?
Mantis: No! Don’t be someone else. Be Kevin Bacon, but like if you didn’t suck!