Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Ken Jeong, Paul Giamatti, Mike Tyson, Jeffrey Tambor, Mason Lee, Jamie Chung, Sasha Barrese, Gillian Vigman, Aroon Seeboonruang, Nirut Sirichanya, Yasmin Lee
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy sequel directed and co-written by Todd Phillips, which follows two years after the events in Las Vegas, and now it’s Stu’s (Ed Helms) turn to walk down the aisle. Since his bride is from Thailand, Stu decides to hold the wedding there. Desperately hoping to avoid the mayhem of Doug’s (Justin Bartha) bachelor party, Stu chooses what he thinks will be a safe option, an alcohol-free, pre-wedding brunch. But this being Thailand, and with Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) again in attendance, anything can happen.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 84)
[first lines; Stu’s office telephone answering message]
Voice on voicemail: Hi, you’ve reached the office of Dr. Stuart Price. Please note the office will be closed until the twenty fourth. If it’s an emergency please check…
[Stu’s cell phone answering message]
Stu: Hi, this is Dr. Stuart Price. I’m getting married, so I’ll be out of the country for two weeks. I’m not sure if I’ll have cell service. If this is a dental emergency please…
[Lauren’s father referring to Stu]
Fohn: I looked into his eyes. They’re not the eyes of a man. The eyes of a coward!
[Tracy answers her cell phone]
Phil: Tracy, I’m sorry.
Tracy: Where the hell are you?
Phil: It happened again!
Tracy: Don’t say that. Please!
Phil: No! This time we really fucked up!
Tracy: Seriously, what is wrong with you three?
Phil: So much, Trace, I don’t even know where to begin.
Tracy: Oh, God! How bad? Like no wedding bad?
Phil: Yeah! Little worse than that.
[looking into Phil’s mouth]
Stu: You really need to floss more.
Phil: Fuck that! That’s why I come here.
Stu: Well, then you should come more than once every two years.
Phil: Why? So you could bleed me of all my money?
Stu: I never charge you a dime, Phil.
[referring to why he chose to get married in Thailand]
Stu: But it’s where her parents are from and it means a lot them.
Phil: Who gives a shit about her parents? And her dad hates you.
Stu: He doesn’t hate me. He’s just never spoken to me. I think it’s cultural think.
Phil: Why can’t you just get married in Vegas, like you did last time? It’s so much easier.
Stu: Why can’t you just be excited for me? This is my wedding!
Phil: You really happy, huh?
Stu: I really am.
[just as Phil is leaving Stu’s dental office]
Stu: Put the prescription pad back.
[Phil comes back, reaches into the front of his pants and pulls out the pad]
Stu: Thank you. You know that’s a felony, right?
Fuck you, man!
[Phil walks out of the office again]
Stu: Was this right up against your scrotum?
[as he’s walking away]
[Doug is trying to convince Stu to invite Alan to his wedding]
Stu: No fucking way! Absolutely not!
Doug: Come on, Stu! It’s killing him!
Stu: I don’t care. Honestly, the two of you were barely invited.
Doug: I get it. I really do. It’s just, you know what? Alan considers you to be one of his best friends.
Stu: I consider Alan to be insane.
Phil: Stu, throw him a bone! Doug already said his dad would pay for everything he eats and everything breaks.
[as they are sat at dinner eating lunch]
Stu: I’m glad you brought that up. Because this is the bachelor party.
Phil: What are you talking about?
Stu: Yeah! It’s my bachelor brunch. Go crazy. Get some chocolate chip pancakes, a lap dance from the waitress.
Phil: That’s bullshit! You can’t just skip out of a bachelor party, Stu.
Stu: Do you see that?
[pointing to his glass of orange juice]
Stu: That’s orange juice with a napkin on top. Do you know why? So nobody roofies me.
Phil: Well, I refuse to eat fucking cantaloupe at a bachelor party!
[after Stu’s told them that eating at the diner is his bachelor party]
Doug: Come on, Stu! Don’t you think you’re over reacting?
Stu: No, I don’t. I’m still putting the broken pieces of my psyche back together. And you know what the glue is? Lauren! And I’m not doing anything to screw that up.
Phil: Oh, please! You wouldn’t even be with her if it wasn’t for us.
Stu: Oh, this will be good!
Phil: Stu, think about it. You ended up ditching Melissa and two years later you meet your true soul mate. You take Vegas out of that equation, you would have married a cunt!
[the table next to them gives Phil a look]
Phil: [sarcastically] Oh, it’s okay. No! No! I’m allowed to say it. It’s a bachelor party. Drink up, everybody. Oh wait! There’s no alcohol. I forgot. We’re at a fucking IHOP.
Stu: Well, it’s my decision. And it’s final. So, how about a toast?
Phil: This sucks! I’m going to wait in the car.
Sid Garner: Alan’s been waiting for the invite ever since he got wind of the wedding.
Stu: I’m sure he has.
Sid Garner: Yeah. He’s been standing outside by the mail box everyday.
Phil: Wow! That rough.
Sid Garner: Yeah. I, uh, I’m not quite sure he ever left Vegas, you know? He really needs this.
[entering Alan’s bedroom who’s still living with his parents]
Phil: Pretty cool room, Alan.
Alan: Oh, thanks Phil. My dad pays my rent.
[looking at the photo’s stuck on the walls of Alan’s room]
Doug: Alan, what the fuck?
[referring to the photo’s they’d taken whilst on roofie during the Vegas bachelor party]
Doug: You were supposed to delete these! You made a promise
Stu: Woh! Woh! Woh! What the hell? I’m not cool with this all! You can’t have these!
Alan: Relax, Stu. Nobody ever comes in here.
Stu: Total violation of trust!
[as Alan’s mum comes to collect his lunch dishes]
Alan: I guess we don’t do desert anymore. I didn’t get that memo.
Linda Garner: Well, I’m sorry darling. I’ll be right back.
[as she turns to leave]
Alan: Would a cupcake kill you?
Doug: Stu would like to invite you to his wedding.
Stu: Well only if you’re not busy.
Stu: Well, maybe the Jonas Brothers are in town.
Alan: Nope, they’re in Raleigh, Durham that weekend.
[after Doug has told him Stu has invited him to the wedding]
Alan: Are you really being serious, Stu? You’re inviting me?
Stu: Yeah, why not? It’ll be fun, right?
Alan: Phil, are you going?
Phil: Of course!
Alan: Then it will be fun.
[he suddenly grabs a syringe from his fridge, stabs himself with the needle and injects himself]
Phil: Wow! What the fuck are you doing, man?
Alan: It’s my immunizations. It’s the last day I can do it.
Stu: That’s supposed to be done by a registered nurse!
Alan: I’m a nurse. I’m just not registered.
Stu: Yes Alan, my bride’s little brother is coming to the wedding. Is that okay with you?
Alan: Just the first time I’ve heard of it. You could have paged me.
[after getting introduced to Stu’s finance’s younger brother]
Alan: So what are you a doctor?
Teddy: No. Not yet. I’m pre-med.
Alan: Ever heard of that guy, Doogie Howser?
Alan: Well, he turned out to be a gay.
Alan: It’s true. I read it in Teen People.
Teddy: Hey, mind if I sit?
Alan: Wolfpack only. Find another chair.
Stu: You know, between Teddy and me you must be pretty excited. Pretty soon you’ll have two doctors in the family.
Fohn: You have to realize that in my country we don’t consider dentist to be a real doctor.
Fohn: Anyway, I have to go and talk to Teddy about his chello performance tonight.
[as he hangs up talking to his dad Alan walks over to Stu and Lauren]
Alan: That was, uh, my dad. I’m a stay at home son. We were discussing your wedding gift. He’s sparing no expense.
Stu: Oh! That’s so unnecessary.
Alan: I’ve been, uh, meaning to ask someone, I noticed that this is a fishing village, is there a Long John Silvers on the island?
Lauren: You know, no, I don’t think so. I’m so sorry.
Stu: But we are actually serving some great fresh sea food.
Alan: Better than Long John’s?
Alan: I’ll be the judge of that. Enjoy your evening.
Lauren: You too.
[he suddenly grabs Lauren’s wine glass and walks away with it]
[at Stu’s pre-wedding dinner, Lauren’s father stands to give a speech]
Fohn: I admit it. When I first met Stu I was not quite sold. He seemed unattractive. He lacked intelligence and imagination. He was missing the spark you look for in a man. But then I look into Stu’s eyes, he reminded me of my sweet brother, Chio. For those who do not know, Chio is learning disabled and lives in group home.
Fohn: But Chio loves khao and that’s when I realized, Stu is khao.
[Stu whispers to Lauren]
Stu: What’s khao?
Fohn: Khao is soft white rice in lukewarm water. It has no taste. Befitted to small babies and very old people. It is nourishment that everyone can digest. The world needs khao, just as the world needs people like Stu.
[he raises his champagne glass]
Fohn: To my sweet daughter and Stu. Congratulations.
[Alan stands up to read his speech at Stu’s pre-wedding dinner]
Alan: Hey, everybody. Here’s some fun facts. The population of Thailand is sixty three million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It’s chief exports are textiles, footwear and rice. Each year, approximately thirteen thousand people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand…
Doug: Alan? Uh, Alan, do you want to skip to the last card there, buddy?
Alan: Okay. Sorry.
[he goes to read from his last card]
Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you! Not you! Not you! Not you! Not nobody knows Stu like I do. No one! I can’t even tell you what we’ve been through, cause we made a pact more important than blood. What I can tell you is this; this is not Stu’s first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years…
[the table goes quit, Phil gets up to stop Alan from talking any further]
Phil: [whispering] Times up. Times up.
Alan: My uncle Roger said that he once saw an albino polar bear.
Stu: Really? Polar bears are white. How would he know if it’s an albino?
Alan: Well this one was black.
Stu: Do you think maybe he was just a black bear?
[sitting around a camp fire at night on the beach]
Phil: Now, can we have our one fucking beer then?
Phil: Alright. Toast.
[he gets up]
Phil: Come on stand up, guys.
[they all gets up to join him]
Phil: Come over here, Alan. To Lauren and Stu. You did it, buddy.
Stu: Sure did.
[they all raise their drink]
[the morning after their night on the beach]
Alan: Phil, I think it’s happened again!
Phil: Alan, what the fuck did you do?
Alan: I didn’t do anything. I swear to God!
Phil: You’re hair is gone.
[Alan not realizing he’s completely bald touches his beard]
Phil: No! No! Up.
[Alan touches his head and laughs]
Phil: Where the fuck are we?
[suddenly the lights in their motel room goes out]
Alan: Phil, I’m scared!
[Phil and Alan find Stu sleeping in their motel room bath tub]
Phil: Stu! Come on, get up. We got a situation.
[Stu wakes and turns to face them, the right side of his face has been tattooed]
Phil: Oh! Holy shit!
Stu: Where are we?
[he looks around and notices Alan is bald]
Stu: Oh, my God! Alan, your head!
Alan: No, your head!
Stu: He’s bald!
Phil: Stu. You’re going to freak out, but it’s going to be okay.
Stu: Why? What? Is it my teeth?
Phil: No. It’s not your teeth.
[after trying to wash the tattoo off his face Stu looks at himself in the mirror and screams]
Stu: This is a real tattoo! Alan, what did you do? Did you roofie me?
Alan: I didn’t do anything!
[Doug calls Phil on his cell from the hotel resort]
Doug: What’s going on? Where are you guys?
Phil: I don’t know, man! We woke up in some shit hole room in some city.
Doug: Oh, God! What city?
Phil: I don’t know, Doug! Fucking Asia town!
[continuing to talk to Doug on his cell]
Phil: I don’t get it, man. I mean we each had one beer last night, right? I mean, you too!
Doug: Yeah. But I left early, remember?
Phil: I don’t remember shit!
Doug: Tracy wasn’t feeling well, she came down to get me. Wait a second, is Teddy with you guys?
Phil: Teddy? What? What are you talking about?
[Phil notices a severed finger with a ring on it and takes it to look at it]
Doug: He wasn’t in his room. They’ve been looking for him all morning.
Phil: Teddy went to Stanford, right?
Doug: Yeah. Why?
[suddenly he throws the finger away]
Phil: Fuck! I just found his finger!
[looking at something pocking out from between the sheets on the floor]
Phil: What is that?
Stu: We don’t know.
Phil: Is it a worm?
Alan: It’s a mushroom.
[touches the tip with his finger and then puts his finger in his mouth to taste]
Alan: Yeah. Shitake.
[the monkey goes and sits on top of the object]
Alan: Monkey, taste it. What do you think? Is this shitake?
Phil: He can’t understand you.
[the monkey then goes and tastes the object]
Stu: He just did! Why is he pulling on it?
Alan: He’s probably hungry.
[Phil looks closely at what the monkey is pulling]
Phil: Wait a second! Is that…?
[the monkey suddenly hit what looks like a small penis and we hear a scream]
Mr. Chow: What the fuck, man? Tell that gay monkey to leave my shit alone!
Phil: Chow, what the fuck are you doing here?
Mr. Chow: Alan, called me a few days ago and invited me to wedding.
Stu: Excuse me?
Alan: What? He’s my plus one.
Stu: You didn’t have a plus one. It’s two hundred dollars a plate!
Phil: Chow, what happened?
Mr. Chow: You guys texted me. Said you fucked up and looking to party!
[he starts laughing and Alan also starts to laugh]
Mr. Chow: I picked you up in my boat and I brought you here to Bangkok. And we had a sick night, bitches!
Phil: We’re in Bangkok?
Mr. Chow: Holla! City of Squalor!
Stu: Do you know how I got this tattoo?
Mr. Chow: Uh, yeah! From a fucking tattoo guy! Come on, Stuey! Use the big Jewish brain.
Alan: Hey, what’ the monkey holding?
[they look round and notice the monkey is holding a severed finger ]
Stu: Haah! That’s a finger!
Stu: Teddy’s dead?
Mr. Chow: Teddy not dead. He party with us all night!
Phil: Well then, where is he?
Mr. Chow: Don’t you remember anything?
Phil: No. Nothing, Chow.
Mr. Chow: Okay. Okay. I explain it all, okay? Just let me do one bump. Get my head straight.
[he puts a massive line of cocaine powder on the back of his hand]
Mr. Chow: Come to papa. Okay.
Phil: That’s a big…
[Chow snorts the cocaine and wipes his nose]
Mr. Chow: You ready for craziest fucking story ever…
[suddenly he chokes and drops dead]
Stu: I can’t believe this is happening again!
Phil: Okay. Look, we’ll handle this. You get back there. You tell them that Alan and I got drunk with him, we’re still partying. You got to go get married.
Stu: No! No! I’m not going back without Teddy. It’s Laura’s little brother, he’s lost! He’s injured! If I fuck this up, I lose everything.
Phil: Okay. Alright.
Stu: Phil I really think we should go to the American Consulate.
Phil: For what? Report a dead body who was shoved into an ice machine?
Stu: Well, what are we going to do? Keep walking around in circles? Cause that real productive!
Phil: You know, I’m trying to figure this thing out here. Your attitude is not helping!
Stu: Well, I’m sorry! It’s a hundred degrees and we don’t have a plan.
[pointing to Alan]
Stu: And all we’ve done is buy him a hats and sodas.
Alan: What? It’s a bag of Fanta!
Phil: Alright! What do you want to do, Stu?
Stu: I don’t know!
Phil: Well then stop yelling at me like it’s my fucking fault!
Stu: It is your fault! All I wanted was a bachelor brunch!
[to the old man that was released to them from police custody instead of Teddy]
Stu: Do you know where our friend is? Teddy? He’s missing!
Phil: Stu, forget it! The guy’s worthless.
Stu: He knows something! He’s wearing Teddy’s sweatshirt. What if just doesn’t understand? Uh, I’ll act it out. Yeah! Like charades. Watch.
[turning to the old man]
Stu: Two words.
Alan: Is it a movie?
Stu: This is not for you, Alan.
[turning to the old man and pointing to Teddy’s ID picture and miming]
Stu: American teenager in Asia.
Alan: Karate Kid with Jaden Smith. It’s easy cause you’re talking through it.
Phil: Stu, it’s a waste of time. Just leave this fucking guy here.
[going into the tattoo parlor that Stu got his tattoo from]
Phil: Excuse me?
Tattoo Joe: Oh, look who it is? So what do you think?
Stu: What? I’m sorry?
Tattoo Joe: The tattoo? You love it?
Stu: Uh, no! Actually, I hate it.
Tattoo Joe: No refunds. Get the fuck out!
Phil: Wait a second!
Tattoo Joe: Read the sign.
Phil: We’re trying to figure out what went down last night.
Tattoo Joe: What went down? Take a look what you did outside? Half the neighborhood went down.
Stu: We did that?
Tattoo Joe: You don’t remember getting into a bar fight at the White Lion? Started a full on fucking riot!
Phil: No. Sir, we don’t remember anything.
[after watching the riot they started on Tattoo Joe’s cell phone]
Phil: Jesus Christ!
Tattoo Joe: That’s when the cops arrived. Started cracking skulls. I took you guys and hid you in the shop here.
Tattoo Joe: Then you decided to get a tattoo. Cried like a little bitch.
[pointing to the kid sat in the tattoo chair]
Tattoo Joe: This kid’s fucking nine years old. He’s got balls twice your size. Show him your balls.
Phil: We’re looking for our friend Teddy. Have you seen him?
Tattoo Joe: Not since last night. Why? What happened?
Stu: Yeah, I’m supposed to marry his sister tomorrow and we kind of lost him.
Tattoo Joe: Oh, well. Then, fuck it!
Stu: What? What do you mean, fuck it?
Tattoo Joe: Bangkok has him now, and she’ll never let him go.
[Phil turns to the old monk they released from prison]
Phil: You hear that? Huh? Is this what you wanted?
Phil: You happy now?
Alan: When the monkey nibbles on a penis, it’s funny in any language.
Grand Wizard: Late last night, you climbed the walls of our monastery. Shouting out question about love, marriage, and the meaning of life. Poor brother Han was meditating alone in the garden and you took him.
Stu: Oh, my God! We kidnapped a monk!
Alan: Uh, we live an alternative life style.
Phil: And we are so sorry about that. But, we weren’t ourselves last night.
Stu: Yep, things kind of spun out of control a little bit. But there’s a boy who’s missing and hurt. Can you find out if he knows where our friend is?
Grand Wizard: Brother Han took a vow of silence many years ago. It will be useless to try.
Phil: Well, maybe he can write down what happened? On a piece of paper?
Alan: Actually, Phil, that would be cheating. Isn’t that right, Grand Wizard?
Grand Wizard: I’m afraid fatty is right.
Alan: See. What?
Phil: Well, so much for holy people. Bunch of bald assholes! Come on, let go.
[turning to leave]
Phil: Hey, you know what? FYI, you may want to put some signs up that say no talking before you unleash your dragon!
Stu: Yeah, that was a little rough.
[referring to the old monk they brought with them]
Phil: And you’re welcome for bringing him back safe. You know, we found him in a drunk tank.
Stu: Yeah, well we did take him in the first place.
Phil: Come on guys, let’s go.
Grand Wizard: The Buddha believe every memory lives somewhere deep within. Perhaps you should bring your question to the garden of meditation.
Phil: Did you understand a word he just said?
Stu: Yeah, I got about two thirds. He said something about the garden of meditation?
Alan: No, he said he’s farting because of his medication.
[to the monk]
Alan: I get that.
[in the nightclub they’d come to the previous night]
Phil: Okay listen, we’re just looking for a little kid.
Samir: Two thousand dollars.
Samir: I don’t know. I mean, maybe more. Okay. How young do you want this kid to be?
Stu: No! No! No! No! Sorry, you misunderstood. We’re looking for our friend, sixteen years old. Teddy?
Samir: Teddy? Yeah he was with you guys last night.
Phil: He was? Do you remember if he left with us?
Samir: I don’t know you were in the corner all night with Kimmy. I didn’t see you leave.
Phil: Kimmy? Is she here?
Samir: Yeah, she’s in the back. She just came for her shift. Go talk to her.
Samir: Listen to me, okay? Pay attention when I’m going to talk to you now. When you see Chow, you tell him Samir says ‘hello’.
Samir: But do it like that. Okay? ‘Hello’. Like threatening. Like ironic. ‘Hello’.
[Phil and Stu turn to leave, Alan walks up to Samir and mimics Samir’s ‘Hello’]
Alan: [slowly] ‘Hello’.
[trying to mimic Samir]
Samir: More ‘O’. ‘Hellooo’.
Samir: Go away. Go away.
Stu: We didn’t get married, did we?
Kimmy: Of course not. We just had some fun in the chardonnay room.
Phil: What what, uh, happens in the chardonnay room?
Stu: Okay, let’s just stay on task here.
Kimmy: Oh, you know. Dance for him. He tickle me. We had sex. Massage his shoulders.
Phil: It’s okay. Hey, you’re not married yet. It’s no big deal.
Stu: It’s cheating! Okay?
[turning to Kimmy]
Stu: No offense to you. You’re a lovely woman. It’s a violation of my moral code.
Kimmy: Don’t be sad, Stu. You love it. You were crying. Saying how special it was.
Phil: [laughing] Wait! I’m sorry, he was crying?
Alan: [laughing] What a baby! He was crying!
[after finding out Stu had slept with Kimmy the previous night]
Kimmy: You should have seen him. He was so sexy. The way he move round. But I asked him slow down cause I drop my load to quick.
Stu: Load? What load?
Kimmy: Oh, you know. My sperms.
Stu: Uh, your English is off. You’re talking about my sperms. Your sperms aren’t from…
Kimmy: From my balls.
Phil: Hold on! Back up.
Stu: Uh, wait. Are you…?
[Kimmy takes off her robe]
Kimmy: Hey, you in Bangkok sweetie. There’s a reason they don’t call it Bangcunt.
[she turns around to reveal her penis]
Stu: Woh! Oh, God!
Alan: I don’t get it. Is this a magic show?
[after finding out Kimmy has a penis]
Kimmy: Come on, Stu. It was beautiful. We climaxed at the same time.
Stu: How does that work?
Kimmy: Shoot my load into you. You shoot your load on the floor.
Stu: You shot your load at me? In my bottom? Oh! Oh, God!
Phil: Stu, it’s not the end of the world.
Alan: I’m sorry, but I am so confused!
Stu: I made love to a man with boobies!
Phil: Listen, I promise you no one’s ever going to find out about this.
Stu: But we just found out about it.
Phil: And then forget! That’s what we do! I’ve done so much fucked up shit, then I just forget about it.
Stu: You have?
Phil: Yeah! You just forget. It goes away. That might be harder to go away. But in time it’ll happen.
[talking on this cell to Lauren’s father]
Fohn: I’m going to tell you something that you did not know. I don’t like you.
Stu: Yeah. I knew that already.
[after Phil gets shot in the arm]
Stu: [shouting] What the fuck is going on?!
Phil: Stu, am I going to be okay? You’re a doctor.
Stu: I don’t know! Let me look. Let me look.
[Stu looks at Phil’s arm and then starts screeching loudly]
Phil: What? What? Get another look at it.
[Stu starts walking away]
Phil: Stuart Price! Get your ass back over here.
Stu: You got shot!
Phil: I know!
Alan: I’m sorry, guys. This wasn’t part of the plan.
Phil: What plan, Alan?
Alan: I’ve said too much already.
[Alan walks out of the doctors and Alan and Phil follow him]
Stu: Alan, what plan?
Alan: It’s all Teddy’s fault.
Phil: What are you talking about, Alan?
Alan: Why is he even here? He’s not part of the wolfpack.
Phil: What did you do to the marshmallows, Alan? Alan, what did you do?
Alan: Well, isn’t it obvious? I spiked it with muscle relaxers and plus my ADHD medication.
Stu: You drugged us again?!
Alan: Not you! I just wanted to knock out Teddy for a little while, so we could finally enjoy the weekend.
Phil: Enjoy the weekend? Alan, you told me that you didn’t do anything. Alan, you swore to God!
Alan: I just wanted things to stay the same.
[after finding out Alan had drugged them again]
Stu: [shouting] Look at my face! You ruined my life!
Phil: You’re not my friend.
Alan: Don’t say that, Phil. You would say that, even in America?
Alan: [crying] Oh, God! Don’t say that, Phil!
Phil: Don’t start crying, Alan.
Stu: [shouting] You’re the bearded devil!
Alan: You liked it! You smiled at me when I held up the bag of marshmallows.
Stu: [shouting] Because I like marshmallows! You fucking psycho!
[he suddenly jumps onto Alan]
Alan: What about England, Phil? Would we be still friends there?
Phil: Alan, I already told you. It was in the heat of the moment. Okay? We’re still friends, all over the world.
Alan: Even Great Britain?
Phil: Yeah. Hm-hmm.
Alan: What about you, Stu?
Stu: We’ll see.
Phil: Who are you?
Kingsley: I’m a business man. And I have invested a large chunk of capital in your friend, Chow. And in return he was supposed to transfer our profits electronically about five fucking minutes ago. So last night we took Teddy as insurance.
Stu: Oh, my God! Is he okay?
Kingsley: Oh, my God! I was don’t talking. You tell Chow, that we are having breakfast on the roof of this hotel tomorrow morning at eight a.m. Now if he makes the transfer, you will get Teddy. If not? Well then, hey. You know, it’s Bangkok.
Stu: We’re fucked. Chow’s dead. What do we do now?
Phil: The guy doesn’t give a shit about Chow, Stu! This whole thing is about a fucking bank account. Let’s just go back to the hotel and we’ll search Chow’s body. Hopefully the password’s in his wallet or something.
Stu: And what if it isn’t? I mean, they’re going to kill Teddy.
Phil: Just relax. We have until eight a.m. tomorrow to figure it out.
Alan: First the monkey, now my hat. How much worse can this day get?
[Stu is playing the guitar and singing]
Stu: Well, we’re living here in Alan Town, and he’s driven our lives into the ground. When we woke up we were wasted and drunk. Phil got shot, we got beaten by a monk. I was happy and my life was good. Getting married like a dentist should. Roasting marshmallows on a stick. I got fucked in the ass by a girl with a dick.
Alan: Ha, ha, I remember that!
[Stu continues singing]
Stu: And we’re living here in Alan town. But they’re taking Teddy’s finger now. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose my shit, and shoot Alan in the face, and shoot myself.
Alan: You totally butchered that song.
Stu: You totally butchered my life.
[after finding Chow is alive]
Phil: You all right? You warm enough?
Mr. Chow: I don’t know. Come feel my balls and tell me. I’ve been locked in a fucking icebox all day.
Phil: Chow, nobody killed you. You were already dead. You didn’t have pulse.
Mr. Chow: Oh, you never do blow before? Sometime your heart stop, start up again. Read a book.
Phil: Look, I’m sorry. We’re just having a bad day.
Mr. Chow: Oh, you having a bad day? Did you die?
Phil: I got shot.
Mr. Chow: But did you die?
[referring to Kingsley]
Phil: Who is that fucking guy, anyway?
Mr. Chow: Invest in my business.
Phil: Yeah. What business is that?
Mr. Chow: It’s called, not your business. Okay?
Alan: They shot the monkey! They shot the monkey! I’m at my wits end!
[as they get away from the Russian drug dealers who are after their monkey]
Phil: Everybody all right?
Mr. Chow: I have such an erection right now!
Stu: Are you for real?
[to the monkey]
Alan: You’re cigarettes. I got them right here. Here you go.
[he puts a cigarette in the monkey’s mouth and lights it up for him]
Alan: There you go. Deep breath. Good. Good. Smoke it in. Breath the smoke into your tiny little lungs. There you go. It’s funny, I’ve never been much of a smoker. But, boy, does it look cool on you.
Alan: I’m going to miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.
Phil: You ever do anything that doesn’t end up in a standoff, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I’m an international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.
Stu: You have a wife?
Mr. Chow: Yeah. We married fifteen years. What? Chow not good looking enough for woman?
Stu: No. That’s cool.
Mr. Chow: Password?
[Alan reads out the password]
Alan: Belloni one.
Phil: Your password is Belloni one?
Mr. Chow: Well, it used to be just Belloni. Now they make you add number!
[after Chow gets arrested by the police and Kingsley turns out to be a cop]
Stu: You’re a cop?
Detective Inspector Peters: Yes. This sting operation has been in place for weeks. When Samir told us that your friend was lost, we took advantage of that information. I’m sorry.
Stu: [whispering] Oh, no!
Alan: So can Teddy come out of the car now?
Phil: No, Alan. Teddy’s not in the fucking car!
Stu: They don’t have him. They never had him. They just needed us to bring them Chow. They used Teddy as bait.
Phil: Do you have any leads at all?
Detective Inspector Peters: No. We’ve checked everywhere. No one has seen him. I’m sorry. If you haven’t found him by now, I’m afraid Bangkok has him.
Stu: Why do people keep saying that?
Stu: Look at what I’ve done, Phil? What I do? I have a weakness for prostitutes. All Kinds apparently. I have a demon in me.
Phil: So what?
Stu: Teddy’s gone but I can still save Lauren. I just let her live her life without me.
Stu: I want you to call Doug, tell him I’m never coming back. Getting off the hamster wheel and stay here in Bangkok. I think I belong here. Open up a little dentist office. Teeth cleanings with a happing ending.
[after finding Teddy and getting back to Stu’s wedding on Chow’s speed boat]
Stu: Listen Teddy. I’m really sorry. We didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Teddy: It’s funny, I can’t remember anything. But when I woke up I was kind of happy.
Teddy: By the way, do you have any idea where my finger is?
Stu: Yeah, we gave it to a drug dealing monkey.
Stu: Yeah! Right? Fucking Bangkok!
Stu: You said, I’m a joke. Well, I’m not. I’m not some weird milky, ricey, watery goop that you feed infants and old people. Okay? Maybe, I would be if you added some cayenne pepper! I wish I was a boring dentist, who had boring life and boring friends. But I don’t! I’m not! I’m actually part of this weird wolfpack.
Alan: It’s not weird. It’s pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.
Fohn: I’ve heard enough of this. Come here?
Stu: Woh! Here’s the deal, man. I got a dark side.
Alan: It’s true. He has semen in him.
Stu: I said, demon.
Alan: But you also have semen in you, remember?
Stu: Not relevant. But thank you, Alan.
[to Lauren’s father]
Stu: The point is, this demon takes me to pretty weird places. Now we lost Teddy for two days in Bangkok. But that same demon, took us to hell and back to find him. We took on Bangkok and we won. Now that’s pretty fucking cool, if you ask me! Right?
[to Lauren’s father]
Stu: I love your daughter and I’m going to marry her.
Stu: Unless you have any problem with that?
Lauren: I’m good.
Stu: All right. But all that said, it would actually mean a great deal to both of us, if we could just give your mother fucking blessing!
Phil: Hey Alan, that’s such a pretty cool shave.
Alan: Thanks, Phil. You should shave your head too.
Phil: Why would I do that?
Alan: Well, that way we would look exactly alike.
[referring to Alan’s wedding gift which is Mike Tyson singing at their wedding]
Stu: Alan, it’s amazing! I love it! Thank you so much!
Alan: We only have him for the night. We don’t own him permanently.
Mike Tyson: By the way, you really need to move that fucking tattoo from your face.
Stu: Yep. On it.
Alan: Sorry for the last minute change up to performance, Mike.
Mike Tyson: No worries, Alan.
Doug: What are you talking about?
Alan: Well, he was originally supposed to sing ‘Burning up’ by the Jonas Brothers.
Alan: But then I remembered you don’t like indie rock.
[last lines; Teddy brings them his cell phone which has photos of their drugged night in Bangkok]
Stu: No one needs to see this stuff.
Mike Tyson: Come on, man! I’m Mike Tyson. I’ve seen everything.
Doug: It’ll be fun.
Stu: What? All right. We’ll look at it once.
Phil: And then we delete them. It’s going to be okay.
[they all grimace as they look at the first photo]
Mike Tyson: Mother fucker!
Total Quotes: 84