Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Ken Jeong, John Goodman, Melissa McCarthy, Jeffrey Tambor, Heather Graham, Mike Epps, Sasha Barrese, Jamie Chung, Sondra Currie, Gillian Vigman, Oliver Cooper, Mike Vallely, Grant Holmquist, Oscar Torre
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Comedy sequel and final installment in The Hangover trilogy directed and co-written by Todd Phillips. The story follows the Wolfpack, Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms) and Doug (Justin Bartha), who all have happy lives at home now, but Alan (Zach Galifianakis) doesn’t. Lacking contentment and a sense of purpose, Alan goes off his meds and surrenders to his natural impulses. The gang intervenes and decide to take Alan on a road trip to the place it all began: Las Vegas.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 79)
[first lines; the film begins in a maximum security prison in Bangkok, where a riot is taking place, the main guard heads to a prison cell with a large poster of kitten on the wall, he tears the poster down to reveal a big hole in the wall where Chow has used to escape]
Chief Prison Guard: Chhoooww!!!
[we see Chow landing in the sewer tunnel and making a run for it as the guards chase after him when he is suddenly flushed out of the sewers and is thrown out into the ocean]
Mr. Chow: Ffuuuu…!!!
[we shift to America where Alan is driving on the freeway with a newly purchased giraffe]
Alan: We’re almost home, buddy!
[as he passes another car in the freeway, Alan shouts to a boy in the back of his parent’s looking out the window]
Alan: Hey! My name’s Alan and I bought a giraffe!
[the boy looks at the giraffe]
Alan: He’s all mine! It’s super friendly!
[the boy gives Alan the thumbs up and Alan does the same]
[Alan starts howling in excitement as he carries on driving, then a family in another car notices the giraffe]
Freeway Mom: Oh, wow! Look at the giraffe!
Freeway Girl: Oh, my God! Where do you think it’s going?
[shouting to himself]
Alan: Wooh! My life is great! I have a wonderful life! I have a wonderful life!
[we see Alan driving toward a low bridge, then suddenly as Alan drives under the bridge the giraffe is decapitated and its head smashes into one of the cars on the freeway causing it to crash into another car which causes a massive pile-up, finally Alan stops his car and looks behind him to see the damage he’s caused]
[after causing the crash on the freeway, Alan is sat in the living as his father is talking on the phone]
Sid: Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course …
[there’s a pause as he listens]
Sid: No. No. And again, I’m so sorry.
[he ends the call and looks at Alan]
Sid: That was the mayor, Alan.
Alan: It was an accident! You said you’d always love me, no matter what I did.
Sid: I know, and I do. You’re my best friend. But, Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?
Alan: I’ve always wanted one! I can feed him from my tree house. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.
Sid: In what way?
Alan: They’re majestic, pensive and tall.
Sid: Where’d you learn that word?
Alan: “Words with Friends”.
Sid: What friends, Alan?
Alan: You can set it on random.
Sid: Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal.
Alan: It’s National news. You don’t want to know the checks I had to write to fix this.
Alan: Oh, please! We’re rich .
Sid: We are not anything, Alan! I’m well off! You are my forty year-old son…!
Alan: I’m forty-two!
Sid: Forty-two year-old son, who still lives at home! You are to go back on your medication or I’m cutting you off.
Alan: You’re bluffing. When’s dinner?
Sid: Your mother and I can’t take this anymore!
[Sid rises and starts walking away]
Alan: Oh, you might have to.
Sid: I can’t do it! I cannot do this!
[Alan puts on his headphone and listens to music as his father continues on ranting in the background to Alan’s mother, suddenly we see Sid collapse from a heart attack, but Alan is oblivious as he continues to listen to his music on the couch]
[at Sid’s funeral and Alan is singing “Ave Maria” in a remarkably female high pitch operatic voice, Phil and Stu are sitting in the crowd of family and friends listening]
Phil: My God, he’s got the voice of an angel.
Stu: It’s breathtaking.
[Alan finishes singing and starts giving a speech]
Alan: I can’t believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.
[his mother is sat in the crowd, crying]
Alan: As many of you know, my father and I were extremely close. He was my life partner. He would often tell me, almost on a daily basis, that I was his favorite child.
[Alan’s sister looks at him in shock]
Alan: I’ll always remember the last words he said to me. “I’m proud of you, Alan. Never change.” Well, I heard you loud and clear, daddy. I will never change.
[he leans closer to the microphone]
Alan: Never, ever.
[Alan’s mom start crying harder, Tracy comforts her]
Tracy: Oh, mom.
[to the priest standing beside him]
Alan: Go ahead, chief.
[Alan steps away from the microphone and the priest takes over]
Priest at Funeral: Sid Garner was a beloved husband, father and neighbor.
[we see Alan standing next to his father’s photo and poses for a photo with his cell phone]
[after the funeral Stu, Phil and Doug are walking away in the cemetery]
Phil: Wow, rough day.
Stu: Yeah. How’s Tracy doing?
Doug: Not great. Her mother is totally on the edge, and if all this weren’t enough, apparently Alan’s been off his meds for almost six months.
Phil: Oh, boy.
Doug: Yeah, it has not been pretty. Then there’s the whole fucking giraffe thing
Phil: I thought that was pretty funny.
Phil: Come on! He killed a giraffe. Who gives a fuck?
Stu: You know, I wasn’t going to say anything, but Alan’s been stopping by my office lately.
Doug: You’re kidding me? What for?
Stu: I don’t know. He just sits in the waiting room and reads highlights magazine. Fills in the puzzles, whatever he can, and then leaves.
[Phil points ahead]
Phil: Check it out.
[they see Alan, with his shirt off and in his vest, using a shovel to bury his father’s casket with the dirt that was dug up]
Phil: Jesus, what are you going to do with him?
Doug: Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about that. Linda really wants to stage an intervention for him.
Phil: An intervention? Really?
Stu: I think that sounds like a great idea.
Doug: Yeah. The thing is, she’s pretty convinced he won’t agree to it unless all of us are there. I mean, you know how he is.
Phil: Oh, I do not know. It seems a little extreme to me.
Stu: Oh, God. Look at him now .
[they all turn to see Alan, with his vest off now, standing in his father’s grave, posing as he rests and takes a drink]
Phil: Okay, I’m in. When are we doing it?
[Stu and Phil are having dinner in a restaurant with their wives]
Lauren: So we talked to Tracy today and she said that the treatment facility that they found was really nice .
Stu: It’s beautiful, I checked it out online. Great reputation.
Phil: Who gives a fuck? It’s in Arizona! We got to go on like a two day drive for this shit?
Stephanie: Here we go.
Phil: They should just save their money and send him to a fat camp.
Phil: What? He should lose some weight and find a woman. That’s what he needs. The dude’s lonely.
Lauren: Well, if he’s so lonely, why don’t the two of you spend some more time with him?
Phil: No, trust me, you don’t want that.
Stu: No, you definitely don’t want that.
Lauren: Oh, come on. He’s not that bad. I mean, what’s the worst that’s happened? The tattoo?
[Stu touches where the tattoo was on his face]
Stu: Yeah, the tattoo’s the worst.
[he looks at Phil]
Phil: Definitely, the tattoo was the worst. Nightmare.
[there’s a moment’s awkward silence]
Phil: Speaking of which, you ever get tested?
Stu: Excuse me?
Phil: You know, cause of the ink.
[Stu looks at Phil, as he makes his thinly veiled joke about his experience in Bangkok]
Phil: The one inside you.
Stu: I’m fine.
[as they leave the restaurant, somebody watches them from close by]
[as Alan’s mom sets up the intervention at their home]
Linda: I can’t thank you so much for coming.
Phil: Oh, of course.
[she brings Phil and Stu into the living room]
Linda: This is Nico. Nico is a good friend of Alan’s.
Nico: What’s up, bros.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Hey,
Linda: And that’s Blanca. Blanca’s been with us since Alan was a baby.
[pointing to the kid sat on the couch]
Linda: And this is Timothy. Timothy lives across the street. He and Alan swim together.
[Stu and Phil look at each other for a moment]
Phil: Hey. What’s up, little man?
Doug: Why don’t you guys take a seat?
[as all of Alan’s friends are gathered for his intervention]
Doug: Tracy’s on her way back with Alan right now. Obviously he has no idea this is coming, so things might get a little intense. But no matter what happens, remember this is all about Alan getting better.
[at that moment Alan enters the house]
Alan: Mother, Oreo smoothie, now!
[he notices everyone sat in the living room]
Alan: Woh. Hey, everyone.
Phil: Hey !
Alan: Hey, Timothy. Little cold for a swim, isn’t it?
[not knowing what to answer, Timothy looks at Doug]
Phil: Oh, wow.
[Phil points to Alan’s t-shirt which has ‘Santa Monica Pier’ written on it]
Phil: Look, you went to the, uh, pier today. How was that?
Tracy: We had a great time.
Alan: Yeah, I played skeeball for like forty-five minutes. It was a pretty sick workout. What’s going on?
Doug: Uh, why don’t you have a seat, bud. We just want to talk to you for a sec.
[Alan walks into the living room]
Alan: Hey, Phil.
[Alan raises his hand for a high five and Phil hits his hand]
Phil: Hey, yeah.
[Alan walks over to Stu, still with his hand raised, as Stu goes to high five him, Alan puts his hand down]
Stu: Oh! You got me.
[Alan sits between Phil and Stu]
Doug: So, Alan, we’re all here to tell you about an awesome place called ‘New Horizons’.
Alan: That does sound awesome.
Tracy: Alan, this is an intervention.
Alan: A what?
[Linda picks up a piece of paper and starts reading from it]
Linda: Alan, I love you so much, we all do. But we can’t keep lying to each other. Ever since you were a baby, all I wanted…
Alan: Oh, my God! Is anybody else falling asleep?
Stu: Alan, listen.
Alan: No offense, Mom, but you’re boring.
Blanca: Mr. Alan.
Alan: Oh, now you?
[Blanca starts reading from her piece of paper]
Blanca: I pick up after you for thirty years. I cleaned your room, I see things no one should ever see. But I pray for you. Mr. Alan, everyone…
[Alan knocks over a full glass of soda on purpose]
Alan: Someone should clean that up.
Stu: Alan, you are not well. You’re off your meds, and you’re clearly upsetting your whole family.
Alan: That’s baloney!
Doug: Alan, if you say yes to this, we drive you there today, and I promise you will come back a changed man.
Alan: Who’s ‘we’? What do you mean ‘we’? Who’s ‘we’?
Doug: We, all of us. Stu, Phil, me, you.
[Alan looks at Stu and Phil]
Alan: You going, Phil?
Phil: I love you, Alan.
[Alan starts moaning in a high pitched voice and looking as though he’s going to weep]
[later, the four set out on their trip to Arizona with Phil driving them, Alan is sat in the back of the car looking depressed]
Phil: Hey, Alan, you hungry? You want to get some RB’s ?
Alan: No, thanks.
Phil: You know, I meant to tell you earlier, that’s a really cool vest you got on.
Alan: Thanks, Phil. It was my Dad’s. He died in it.
Stu: Woh. That’s intense
Doug: Hey, Alan, I just want to say what you’re doing is really brave. We’re proud of you.
Stu: Yeah, you’re going to do great.
Alan: Stop the car. I don’t want to do this anymore.
Alan: I’ve changed my mind.
Stu: Alan, you can’t change your mind. Everybody’s counting on you.
Alan: I-I-I, I’m fine just the way I am. I want to go home. Turn the car around!
[Alan goes to grab the steering wheel and as the others try to stop him the back of their minivan is suddenly hit by a truck]
Phil: What the fuck was that?
[the truck hits them again]
Stu: Oh, my God! He’s doing it on purpose!
Doug: Just get out of his way! Get out of the way.
Phil: I am. I am.
[Phil gets into the next lane and starts honking his horn at the truck driver]
Phil: Hey! Hey, get the fuck off!
Stu: We must exchange information.
[the truck hits the side of their car]
Doug: Phil! Watch out, Phil!
[as the truck causes them to swerve to edge of the road and come across yellow bins by the side of the road]
Phil: Oh, shit!
[the truck causes them to crash into the bins]
Stu: Get away from him!
Phil: I’m trying!
[the truck hits them again making them swerve off the road and crash]
Phil: Oh, shit!
[as their minivan comes to a stop off the road, they see a couple of guys wearing pig masks jump out of the truck, come after them and take them hostage, they place in the back of the truck with Alan taken last he’s been placed on the truck elevator to bring him up]
Alan: We are in an elevator!
[Alan is finally shoved into the back of the truck with the other three]
Stu: What the fuck is going on?!
[after being kidnapped, they are taken into the middle of the Arizona dessert and their hoods are taken off]
Phil: Please, this is a huge mistake! You got the wrong guys!
[pointing a gun at them]
Black Doug: No, I got the right fucking guys.
[to one of his men]
Black Doug: Get him up. Pick him up, put him over here.
Alan: Hey, you’re black Doug! It’s Black Doug!
Black Doug: Shut the fuck up with that! Shut the fuck up!
Stu: Oh my, God! It is!
[turning to Alan]
Stu: Alan, tell me right now, why is Black Doug kidnapping us?
[pointing his gun at Stu]
Black Doug: I said don’t call me that shit no more!
Black Doug: It ain’t Alan’s fault.
Alan: Thank you, Black Doug.
Black Doug: Ooh, Mother fuck…! I will…
Black Doug: Fucker!
Alan: Okay! Okay!
Phil: Just Doug, okay?
Phil: Why are you doing this?
[they turn to see Black Doug’s boss coming out of a car]
Marshall: I told him to. I’m Marshall. And whether you know it or not, we all have something in common, and it all started four years ago, when this moron…
[referring to Black Doug, as he lowers his gun down]
Marshall: …sold the wrong drugs to this dumb fuck.
[he walks up to Alan]
Marshall: You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night. In the parking lot of a fucking liquor store.
[Alan has flashback to that night he noticed Black Doug selling drugs in the parking lot of the liquor store]
[Alan walks up to Black Doug’s car]
Alan: What up, nigger?
Black Doug: Excuse me?
Alan: Chill out, I’m not a cop. Just in town for the night. Me and my boys looking to get our freak on.
[we see Alan buying the drugs from Black Doug]
[we see flashback when Stu and Phil have discovered Black Doug has sold Alan the wrong drugs]
Stu: You sold Alan roofies.
Black Doug: Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.
[looking at Alan]
Black Doug: My fault, Alan. Damn! Marshall going to be pissed off with me on that one.
[back to the present, this line keeps echoing in Stu’s mind]
[looking at Marshall]
Stu: You’re Marshall.
Stu: You brought us out here because of that?!
Marshall: You’re not here because of that. You’re here because some China man I never heard of strolls into my town and takes one of my guys off the street!
Phil: Mr. Chow?
Marshall: Yes! Yes, Mr. Leslie-fucking-Chow. You introduced a virus into my life.
Phil: Oh, God. What did he do?
Marshall: He fucked me in the ass.
Alan: Oh, he does that from time to time.
Marshall: Not literally. Jesus!
[there’s a moment’s pause]
Marshall: A few weeks after your bullshit. I get word this sheik is coming in from Abu Dhabi. He was looking to make some less than legal investments. He brought his two wives and forty-two million dollars in gold bars. It was a layup.
[we see flashback to the sheik flying in on his private jet with his wives, as his gold bars are being unloaded from the plane, two men in pig masks come and steal his gold]
Marshall: [voice over] We took it all. Two vans, each with twenty-one million in gold. My guys split up. One of them made it back. One of them didn’t.
[we see flashback to the black van containing half the gold bars being stopped by a police car, they pull over and the policeman gets out of his car and walks up to the van]
Henchman #1: Is there a problem, officer?
[we see Chow dressed up as a police officer]
Mr. Chow: Not anymore, motherfucker.
[Chow points his gun at the henchman and laughs]
Marshall: Leslie Chow stole twenty-one million dollars from me. On a Tuesday.
Phil: Oh, God.
Marshall: I looked everywhere for him. But he’s gone, no one can find him. Until the little cockroach got himself pinched in Bangkok. So I pay him a visit.
[flashback to Marshall visiting Chow in prison]
Marshall: [voice over] I offer him a truce. I won’t touch a hair on his head, I just want him to tell me where my gold is. He refuses to talk.
[back to the desert in Arizona]
Marshall: Not only he does refuse to talk to me, he has no communication with anyone form the outside.
[he walks up to Alan and knocks him down]
Marshall: Except you!
Alan: Hey, it’s unfair!
Stu: Alan, you been talking to Chow?
Marshall: They’ve been writing letters!
[taking out the letters]
Alan: Hey, those are private!
[Marshall starts reading out loud from the letters]
Marshall: “Dear Leslie, OMG, the McRib is back! Why was it ever gone?”
Marshall: “Dear Alan, I threw urine on prison guard today. Blamed it on cell mate. Wish you were here.”
Alan: Yeah, I wish I could have seen that.
Marshall: Letter after letter of total nonsense, except for common thread.
[pointing to them]
Marshall: You guys.
Marshall: The Wolfpack.
Doug: Jesus Christ. Alan!
Marshall: Five weeks ago, Chow escaped from maximum security detention.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
Marshall: He stored aboard a shipping freighter bound for the West Coast.
[Marshall walks up to Alan and leans down toward him]
Marshall: Where is he?
Alan: I don’t know.
Phil: Alan, if you know where he is, you tell this man right now.
Alan: Phil, I don’t know. I swear, I haven’t talked to him in months.
[Marshall looks at Alan for a moment]
Marshall: We got to do it the hard way.
[Marshall’s henchmen knock Stu and Phil down]
Doug: What the fuck?!
[the henchman holding Doug puts a bag over Doug’s head]
Doug: Hey! Hey! Don’t!
Marshall: Let’s go.
Doug: No! What the fuck?!
[Doug gets dragged away]
Phil: Woh! Woh! Woh! What are you doing?!
Marshall: Doug is my insurance, he stays with me. You don’t give me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But that’s insane! We don’t even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: No one does. But I figured the Wolfpack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
[Marshall and his men get into their cars]
Alan: Can’t you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan.
[Marshall and his men drive off]
Phil: Shit! Shit!
[after Marshall and his henchmen drive off, leaving Stu, Phil and Alan lying on the ground with their hands tied]
Alan: Yeah, Phil?
Phil: I need you to roll over here and chew off these hand ties.
[Alan rolls over to Phil and rolls onto Phil’s back]
Alan: Getting a little too much steam.
Phil: Get off me.
Alan: Alright. Let me just shimmy down.
Phil: Would you just…?
Alan: Hold still! Hold still!
[Stu start screaming out]
Stu: Help! Help!
[after freeing themselves, later on at a gas station filling up the minivan]
Phil: Holy shit. What are we going to do, Stu?
Stu: We’re going to go to the police.
Phil: Oh, no, we’re fucking not. Did you hear that guy? He will kill Doug, period. Chow is a cancer, he has been a cancer since the first day we met him. So we’re going to hand him over to this guy Marshall and then it’s done.
Alan: Hey, Phil…
Phil: Alan, not now. But I need you, Stu. I can’t do this alone.
Stu: Do what alone? We have no idea where he even is!
Phil: What, Alan?
Alan: Well, I was just going to say, I got this strange email the other day, I wasn’t sure what it meant. But now I think it might be from Chow.
[Phil takes Alan’s cell phone and reads the email]
Phil: “Fatty, it feels good to be out. I’m close by. Tell no one, I’ll be in touch. Chow.”
[Phil and Stu look at Alan]
Phil: This says Chow. How did you not know this was from Chow?
Alan: At the time, I thought it was Chow like ‘goodbye’. You know Like Ciao, Arrivederci, Sbarro, Papa Johns.
[referring to Chow]
Phil: I’m writing him back.
Stu: Woh. Wait, wait. Just hold on!
[Phil starts texting using Alan’s cell phone]
Phil: I’m going to tell him that you’re happy he’s out and that you’d love to see him.
Alan: Ooh, I would love to see him.
Stu: Do you even know what’s going on?
Alan: Yes, I do. Phil’s doing all the work, I’m his assistant and you’re standing there looking like an idiot.
Phil: I’m going to arrange a meeting. We’re going to take him out.
Stu: Take him out? Who says that? How do we take someone out?
Phil: We use drugs. Prescription drugs. You know the kind a dentist has access to.
Stu: Good luck finding a dentist who will write fake prescriptions.
Phil: Oh, I know one. His name is Stuart Price. Now, let’s go find a fucking pharmacy.
[Phil gets into the minivan]
Alan: Wooh, you just got schooled, son.
[Stu looks at Alan for a moment]
Alan: Are you coming or not?
Stu: I don’t like this plan.
Alan: Okay, then. Chow.
[Alan laughs then walks toward the minivan]
Alan: I got a pretty dumb sense of humor, bro.
[Stu is at a drug store standing at the pharmacy counter, the pharmacy assistant returns with his prescription]
Stu: Everything okay?
Pharmacy Assistant: Well, it’s just a strange request. This drug, in this amount, and a pack of syringes, it’s just a little weird.
Stu: Yeah. It’s just, it’s kind of an emergency, so…
Pharmacy Assistant: See , that right there, and you’re acting all figgity, plus you look like shit. In our business, these are all red flags. I need to call a prescribing doctor and make sure everything’s okay.
Stu: Aha. Well, you’re in luck because I actually am a prescribing doctor.
Pharmacy Assistant: Oh, boy. Another red flag
[Stu hands over his ID card to the assistant]
Pharmacy Assistant: It says here you’re a dentist.
Stu: Yeah, doctor of dental science.
Pharmacy Assistant: This is fucked up.
[the assistant walks toward his dad, who’s sorting the drugs at the pharmacy counter]
Pharmacy Assistant: Hey, dad? I think we got a live one.
[Stu gets back into the minivan after leaving the pharmacy]
Phil: How did we do?
Stu: We did good. I got Demerol, a pack of syringes and almost lost my dental license. What about Chow, anything?
[looking at his cell phone]
Alan: Oh, look at this. He emailed me like twenty minutes ago.
Phil: Alan, we’ve been sit… Give me the phone, please.
[Phil snatches the phone off Alan]
Stu: What does it say?
Phil: Oh, wow. He wants to meet Alan tonight at eight. Just come alone.
Stu: Come alone where?
Phil: A bus stop. In Tijuana.
Alan: Tijuana is the bomb!
Stu: Oh, fuck!
Phil: No, that’s perfect. It’s like a three hour drive form here.
Alan: Yeah, Stu. Try reading a map.
Stu: Yeah, Alan. Try reading, anything, ever.
Alan: Yeah, Stu. Try not having such big horse teeth.
[as they drive to Tijuana]
Phil: Alright, we need a plan. They’re meeting on a bus bench in a public place. So Alan needs to convince Chow to go some place more private. Some place where we can sneak up on him, drug him.
Stu: Like where?
Phil: I don’t know, like an alley?
Alan: What about a movie theater?
Phil: Fuck, that’s actually a great idea. The lights go down. We take the seats behind him, we jab him and it’s fucking done.
Alan: I’ll jab him if you want, I’ve drugged people before.
Stu: Yeah, us.
Phil: No offense, Alan, but we’re not letting you handle any drugs. You’ll kill someone.
Alan: Oh, pleas. I’m an expert. Remember the marshmallows in Thailand?
Alan: I made it so you could eat at least three before hitting a fatal dose.
Stu: Wait. So you’re saying I would have died if I’d had four?
Alan: Nobody eats four marshmallows, Stu!
Stu: That insane theory is the only reason I’m still alive?
Alan: Yes! And you’re welcome, by the way.
Stu: Don’t say, “you’re welcome”, for almost killing me.
Stu: Thank you.
Alan: You’re welcome.
[they arrive in Tijuana, Alan goes alone to meet with Chow on the bus bench while Phil and Stu wait in the minivan, watching him from nearby, as Alan waits, he looks over to them and raises his hand in an OK sign]
Stu: Oh, God. You know, you were right.
Phil: About what?
Stu: That place in Arizona. It’s not going to help him. There’s no facility that can fix this guy. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives dealing with him because we’re all he has now. Do you realize that? We’re it.
[at that moment a bus stops by Alan’s bench and as it drives away they see Chow sitting on the bench next to Alan]
Phil: Oh, shit. Check it out.
Stu: Is that Chow?
[on the bus bench]
Mr. Chow: Hey, fat stuff.
[Alan looks at Chow in surprise]
Alan: Fat stuff?
Mr. Chow: Atataa. That’s cool, eyes forward.
Alan: Yeah, okay.
Mr. Chow: Anyone follow you?
Alan: No, I don’t think so.
Mr. Chow: Good, good. got to keep low profile right now. Chow wanted man. Can’t trust anyone. Quick, give me some sugar.
[points to his cheek]
Mr. Chow: Come on, come on, come on.
[Alan kisses Chow’s cheek; Phil and Stu watch this as they wait in their minivan nearby]
Stu: What the fuck? Did he just kiss him?
[back on the bus bench]
Mr. Chow: Listen, I’m in bit of pickle, Alan. I need a friend.
Alan: Well, I’m your friend, Leslie.
Mr. Chow: Exactly, that’s why I called you down here. You’re the only person I can trust in this shit hole of a life.
Alan: Well, that’s not true. Stu and Phil are your friends.
Mr. Chow: Oh, really? That’s interesting. Where are they?
Mr. Chow: Around where?
Alan: I don’t know.
[feeling suspicious, Chow looks around the street for Phil and Stu and spots them sitting in their minivan nearby]
Mr. Chow: Ah, mother fucker! I told you to come alone!
[Chow rises from the bench]
[looking at Alan and Chow on the bus bench, they notice Chow walking away from the bench]
Phil: Shit. What happened?
Stu: Is he leaving?
[Alan starts following Chow]
Alan: Come back, we’ll talk some more! I’ll give you another kiss!
Stu: He’s coming this way.
Phil: Oh, fuck. Get down. Get down.
[they try to hide by lowering themselves in their seats, suddenly Chow throws a rock at their minivan windscreen and smashes it]
Phil: Oh, fuck!
[Chow runs over to them and tries to open Phil’s side of the door]
Mr. Chow: Get out of the car, you mutts!
[Alan tries to grab hold of him]
Alan: Leslie! No!
Mr. Chow: Get off me, fat clown!
[Chow pushes Alan aside]
Phil: Chow! Chow! Calm down!
Mr. Chow: Who sent you?
Phil: No one! No, we just wanted to see you!
Mr. Chow: Liar! No one wants to see Chow!
Phil: No! We missed you.
Mr. Chow: What?
Phil: We missed you, Chow! That’s it.
Phil: We missed you.
Mr. Chow: You miss me?
Phil: So much.
[Phil puts his hand on the car window and Chow places his hand on the other side of the glass]
Mr. Chow: You miss Chow?
Phil: Yeah, buddy.
Stu: We love you, Chow.
[Chow presses his face against the glass]
[Phil, Stu and Alan take him to a bar, they watch Chow as he starts to sing karaoke]
Mr. Chow: [singing] I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real. What have I become…
[to Stu; as they watch Chow]
Phil: What the fuck am I watching?
Mr. Chow: [singing] …my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes insane…
[Stu takes Chow’s drink and starts drugging it]
Phil: Is that going to be enough?
Stu: Oh, yeah. This’ll take about a minute to kick in. We’ll tell the waitress he’s drunk, by the time we get to the car he’ll be out cold.
[as Chow continues to sing, he’s watching Phil, Stu and Alan at their table]
Mr. Chow: [singing] I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
[Chow finishes singing and hits the microphone stand aside, everyone claps as walks over to their table with Alan standing to clap]
Phil: Alan, sit down.
[Chow joins them at their table]
Phil: That was really nice, Chow.
Mr. Chow: Thanks, Phil. The key is to sing from the heart.
Phil: So Mexico, huh? What are you doing down here?
Mr. Chow: You know, fucking, doing blow, same old, same old. Oh, I got into cock fighting.
Alan: Oh, cock fighting, that sounds wonderful.
Mr. Chow: Yes, basically been killing it down here.
Stu: That is just terrific.
[looking at Phil and Stu]
Stu: Right? I mean that’s terrific. I think that calls for a toast.
[holding up his drink]
Phil: I like that. To killing it.
Stu: To killing it.
[Chow holds up his drink]
Mr. Chow: Yeah, to killing it.
[Chow looks suspiciously at Phil and Stu as they take their drink, then starts smelling his drink, realizing that they’ve drugged his drink]
Stu: You okay, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I don’t know, you tell me?
[Stu chuckles nervously]
Alan: So, how many roaster birds do you have, Chow?
[suddenly Chow rises and slams Stu’s head down on the table and holds a knife against his neck]
Mr. Chow: Ssh. Act cool, or I open his vein.
[as he holds a knife against Stu’s throat]
Mr. Chow: Why you want to drug poor Chow?
Phil: No, no! It’s not what you think. There’s this guy Marshall…
Mr. Chow: Marshall? How do you know that fat fuck?
Phil: He says that you took his gold, and he’s got Doug and he’s going to kill him unless we bring you back.
Stu: It’s true! I swear to God, it’s true !
Phil: Chow. Chow, that’s the truth.
[Chow stabs his knife into the table]
Mr. Chow: Goddamn it!
[he sits back down and lets Stu go]
Mr. Chow: That motherfucker.
Phil: Stu, are you okay? You alright?
Phil: I’m sorry, Chow. We’re sorry. We didn’t know what else to do .
Mr. Chow: Next time, don’t lie to Chow.
Phil: You’re right, you are so right, and we made a huge mistake. So what do we do now?
Mr. Chow: That depends. Can I trust you?
[at Chow’s place, Chow shows them a miniature of his villa]
Phil: What is this place, Chow?
Mr. Chow: My house. Chow used to be on top of the world. Had three beautiful homes in three different countries. But this one, my Mexican villa, this was my favorite. Then everything got fucked. Chow go to prison, all my property seized. My homes sold at auction to highest bidders. But I know something no one else knows.
[pointing to the miniature of his villa]
Mr. Chow: This house is where I stashed the gold.
Phil: Marshall’s gold?
Mr. Chow: Yep. Hid it inside the basement wall, no one knows it’s there. We’re going to go get it.
Phil: Wait. You mean break in?
Mr. Chow: Look, Marshall wants his gold, and he’s going to hunt me down until he gets it. If we show up without it, he’ll kill me.
Stu: We’re not breaking in anywhere.
Mr. Chow: Not anywhere, Stu, my house. It’s a piece of cake. I know every square inch of this place. The best part, the guy we’re stealing it from doesn’t even know it’s there. So he’ll never know it’s gone.
[to Phil and Stu]
Alan: You guys know what’s going on, right?
Phil: What do you mean?
Alan: And please correct me if I’m wrong.
[pointing to the miniature villa]
Alan: We’re not breaking into this house, this house is too small. We’re breaking into another house. This is just a model, right, Chow?
Mr. Chow: What?
[suddenly Alan falls backward, onto Chow’s cages containing his roosters]
Mr. Chow: Alan, no! My chickens!
[the chickens break out of the broken cages and start attacking them]
Mr. Chow: Shit!
Phil: Chow, what the fuck?!
Mr. Chow: Watch out for the cocks! They’re trained to kill!
Stu: His beak is so sharp!
[Chow suddenly shoots at one of the chickens attacking Phil, but misses]
Mr. Chow: Stay still! I’m trying to help!
Stu: Get it off!
[Chow points his gun toward the chicken attacking Stu and shoot several times before finally hitting the chicken]
Mr. Chow: Woh! Fucking bullseye!
Stu: Are you out of your mind?!
[Alan suddenly runs between them with several chickens attacking him]
Alan: Shoot them! Shoot them! Shoot them!
[Alan runs into the wall, hits his head and falls down]
Phil: The window!
[Phil picks one of the chickens up and throws it out the window, Stu tries to catch another chicken to throw out the window]
Stu: I’m trying!
[they manage to throw all the chickens out the window, but Chow gets hold of one with his pillow]
Mr. Chow: Ssh, ssh. Don’t struggle. Let go. You won a lot of fights, Wallace. Not this time.
[Chow manages to smother it to death]
Phil: What the fuck was wrong with those chickens?
Mr. Chow: They’re angry. All I feed them is cocaine and chicken.
[the next day, Chow takes them to his villa in Mexico, they watch the house from a distance in the car]
Phil: That’s some house, Chow.
Mr. Chow: It was my Shangri-La. Now it’s gone.
Phil: Could you not spit inside my minivan, please? Jesus!
Alan: Who lives there now?
Mr. Chow: Some dot com millionaire. He’s never here, this is a vacation home. The help doesn’t show up on Sundays. No one there but the guard dogs. Stu?
[Stu is putting drugs into some burgers]
Stu: We’ll toss these burgers over the gate, wait for the Demerol to kick in.
Mr. Chow: Make sure you put in enough to kill them.
Stu: We’re not going to kill the dogs, Chow. This will knock them out for hours .
Mr. Chow: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you work for PETA. What a pussy!
[Alan laughs; they drive up the gates of the villa, Chow shoots paint ball at the security camera as Phil gets out of the car and throws the drugged burgers over the gate for the dogs to eat, after the dogs are drugged they drive past the gates, get out of the car and start taking their gear out, Phil hands a sledgehammer to Alan]
Stu: Alan, take that.
[Alan takes the sledgehammer and drops it on his foot, as he’s about to scream out in pain, Phil and Stu grab him]
[as Chow walks away from the house]
Stu: Where are you going?
Mr. Chow: You’ll see.
[Chow takes off the collar from one of the unconscious dogs]
Mr. Chow: Glad to meet you, little loser.
[he does the same to the other unconscious dog]
Mr. Chow: Excuse me, fucking asshole.
[turning to Phil, Stu and Alan]
Mr. Chow: Follow me.
[they walk around the back of the villa]
Mr. Chow: Okay, here’s the deal. Two security panels inside, if you cut only one wire, it triggers alarm. Place will be crawling with cops. But if you cut wire on both panels at same time, alarm disabled.
Phil: Yeah, but how are we going to get inside without tripping the alarm?
Mr. Chow: Check this out.
[he uses one of the dog collars to open dog panel on the back door]
Mr. Chow: Any more stupid questions?
[he puts the dog collar round his neck]
Mr. Chow: Now, who’s coming with me?
Alan: I’ll do it.
[looking at Stu]
Mr. Chow: You want to tell him?
[Chow gives the other dog collar to Stu]
Stu: Oh, um, Alan, you’re just too fat.
Mr. Chow: Roger that.
[Stu puts the collar round his neck and crawls into the house through the dog panel with Chow coming in behind him]
Mr. Chow: Don’t kick me, motherfucker!
[after they enter the house through the dog panels, Stu goes to stand]
Mr. Chow: No, no, no. Don’t get up, will trip motion detectors. Stay low, like dog.
Stu: Oh, okay. Good idea. Which way?
Mr. Chow: In there, the kitchen.
[as they start crawling toward the kitchen, Stu gets ahead of Chow and Chow puts his head in Stu’s butt and start sniffing]
Stu: Oh! What the fuck is that?
Mr. Chow: I’m saying hello. We’re dogs, remember?
[Chow laughs; they crawl through the kitchen and Chow stops as he comes across a dog bowl]
Mr. Chow: Hey, Stu. Check it out.
[he puts his head in the dog bowl and starts eating the dog food]
Mr. Chow: Oh, my God! So gross!
[Stu nearly hurls as he looks at Chow]
Stu: God! Chow cut it out!
[Stu crawls to the main hall and rises against the wall with the security panel on it]
Stu: Okay, I’m here. Now what?
[Chow’s in the other room looking at the other security panel]
Mr. Chow: Pull the cover off so you can see the wires.
[Stu pulls the cover off]
Stu: Okay. Done!
Mr. Chow: Okay, on three, cut the gray wire! One, two…
Stu: Wait! Wait! Wait! I don’t have gray wire. I have red, green and yellow!
Mr. Chow: That’s weird. I have light gray, medium gray and dark gray.
Stu: You do?
Mr. Chow: Motherfucker. My bad, I’m color blind.
Stu: You’re what?!
Mr. Chow: Fuck it, just cut the middle one.
Stu: My middle one could be different, they wires are all twisted!
Mr. Chow: On three. One, two…
Stu: Chow, stop! Hold on, I’m coming to you.
[as Phil and Alan wait outside the house for Chow and Stu to disable the security alarm]
Phil: What the fuck’s taking them so long?
Alan: Where did you get the shirt? A Diesel store?
[Phil looks worryingly at the house]
Alan: It’s a cute top, where’d you get that shirt?
[Phil doesn’t reply and turns to look at the house again; inside the house Stu finally makes it to where Chow is and looks at his security panel wires]
Mr. Chow: What’s the problem?
Stu: Just point to the wire you want me to cut.
Mr. Chow: This gray one right here.
Stu: Great. For your information, that’s green.
Mr. Chow: Ooh, which one’s red?
Stu: The one in your left hand.
Mr. Chow: Wait, which hand is that? I’m also dyslexic.
Stu: What the fuck?!
[outside the house Phil and Alan continue to wait]
Alan: Where did you get it?
Phil: I don’t know. I’ll find out, I’ll get you one.
Alan: There’s a cool Diesel store in the mall that I like to go to, right next to the Food Court.
Phil: I don’t know if it’s Diesel.
Alan: Looks like a Diesel.
[Alan goes to touch the material on Phil’s shirt and Phil flinches]
Phil: What’s the matter with you?
[back inside the house, Stu has now gone back to his security panel]
Stu: Okay, you’re still holding the one I left you with, right?
Mr. Chow: Pretty much.
Stu: Oh, fuck. Alright. On three!
[Stu gets ready to cut the red wire]
Stu: One, two, three!
[Stu and Chow cut their wires and the panel shows the ‘System Disarmed’, Stu breathes a sigh of relief and collapses against the wall]
Mr. Chow: Holy shit, it worked.
[Stu opens the door to let Phil and Alan into the house]
Phil: All good?
Mr. Chow: Easy peasy.
Stu: You have no idea.
Mr. Chow: Come on.
[they walk through the living room, Chow pushes a large statue off a chest of drawers, which shatters as it hits the floor]
Mr. Chow: Whoops.
Phil: Jesus! Be careful, Chow!
Mr. Chow: Fuck this guy.
[Chow pushes a suit of armor which falls to the floor]
Mr. Chow: Living in my house, living my life.
Stu: Can we just stick to the plan?
[Chow takes the ax from one of the suit of armors]
Mr. Chow: Fine.
[he throws the ax at the large painting on the wall]
Mr. Chow: Ha-ha. Ruined.
[Chow walks off]
Stu: He is completely out of control.
Phil: Let’s just get this done.
[Chow takes them down to the wine cellar]
Mr. Chow: This way. Come on, come on. It’s buried behind this wall. Alan.
Alan: Here you go, boss.
[Alan gives Chow the sledgehammer, Chow goes to hit the wall, but the hammer is heavy and falls to the ground]
Mr. Chow: Ah! Fuck.
Phil: You okay?
Mr. Chow: Yeah, I’m okay. Just warming up. It’s so heavy. Do we have lighter one?
Phil: Why don’t you just let me do it, Chow?
Mr. Chow: Okay. Either way, you or me, same thing.
[Phil takes the sledgehammer and starts hitting at the wall]
Mr. Chow: You might want to take your shirt off, it makes it easier.
Alan: I’ve heard that too.
[Phil looks at Alan for a moment before continuing to hit the wall until he breaks through and the gold can be seen]
Mr. Chow: See that. Chow came back for you.
[they pass the gold to each other up to Chow, who’s putting them in bags]
Phil: That’s the last of it.
Mr. Chow: You sure?
Mr. Chow: You triple sure?
Mr. Chow: Good!
[Chow laughs and suddenly slams the cellar door shut and locks them in]
[Stu walks up the stairs and tries to open the door]
Stu: Chow! Chow! Chow!
[Phil realizes what Chow has done as Stu continues to slam on the door, shouting]
Stu: Chow! Chow!
[we see Chow carrying the bags of gold out of the house]
Phil: Chow, open the fucking door right now!
[Chow sets off the alarm and drives off in Phil’s minivan]
[after Phil, Stu and Alan get arrested by Mexican Police and are questioned at the station, the officer goes through their files]
Officer Vasquez: Stuart Price. No felonies, one arrest, Las Vegas, Nevada.
[he pick ups Phil’s file]
Officer Vasquez: Phil Warnick. No felonies, one arrest, also Las Vegas, Nevada.
[he picks up Alan’s file, which is slightly thicker]
Officer Vasquez: Alan Garner.
[he flips through the thick pages of the file]
Officer Vasquez: Is this record accurate?
[he passes the file to Alan, who starts looking through it]
Alan: Uh-huh. I did that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Masturbating on a city bus. Yep, that was me.
Phil: Look, we’ve been here for five hours. We already told your guys everything that we know.
Officer Vasquez: No. You told them a story about a little Chinese man.
Stu: Leslie Chow. He is an international criminal, look it up
Officer Vasquez: A little Chinese man that no one in town has seen or heard of. And the hotel you say he’s staying, there’s no one there.
Phil: Probably because he left town.
Officer Vasquez: That’s one theory. Another theory is that you’re lying.
[suddenly Alan laughs, as he continues to read from his police record file]
Alan: Lude behavior, Cracker Barrel, Christmas Eve.
[at that moment another officer enters the room and requests to speak with Vasquez]
Officer Vasquez: Excuse me.
[Vasquez leaves the room]
Stu: We’re fucking dead.
Alan: Why would Mr. Chow do this?
Phil: Because he’s a greedy piece of shit who used us.
Alan: Yeah, but he’s our friend.
Phil: Oh, grow up, Alan.
[Vazquez returns to the room]
Officer Vasquez: You’re free to leave. All the charges have been dropped.
Stu: By who?
Officer Vasquez: It’s your lucky day. There’s a car waiting for you out front. Come on, let’s go.
[they walk out of the station to fine a black limo waiting for them outside]
[Phil turns to Vazquez]
Phil: I’m sorry, what is this?
Officer Vasquez: Get in the car.
[they get in the car and Phil addresses the driver]
Phil: Excuse me, sir? Where are we headed?
[the driver ignores them and pulls up the driver’s partition and locks the doors, he drives them back to the villa they just robbed, he opens the car door]
Hector: Welcome back.
[to Stu and Alan]
Phil: What the fuck?
Hector: Let’s go, guys.
[the driver leads them into the house and out onto the back porch where they find Doug sitting on the steps]
[Doug goes to take a step toward Phil but he’s stopped by Black Doug]
Black Doug: Get your ass back over here!
[suddenly they see Marshall sat on a sun lounger by the pool]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You did not break into his old house, you broke into my house.
Phil: I don’t understand.
Marshall: You didn’t get back the gold he stole from me, you got the other half that he didn’t.
Stu: Oh my, God!
Phil: Oh, you mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He’s a word class rat and you three were his accomplices.
[Marshall takes out his gun]
Phil: No, no, no!
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you, we thought you’d be happy!
Marshall: Thank you so much. Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And thank you for killing my fucking dogs!
Stu: We didn’t kill your dogs, they’re just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don’t know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Black Doug: And somebody’s got to pay.
Marshall: He’s right.
[Marshall suddenly points his gun toward Doug standing next to Black Doug]
Doug: No, no, no, no!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug in the chest and kills him, his body falls into the pool behind him]
[looking at Black Doug’s body floating in the pool]
Marshall: My head of security. Couldn’t stop three fuckups and a China man with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.
[Marshall looks at the Phil, Stu and Alan and see that Alan has pissed his pants]
Marshall: Oh, man! That’s okay. I know it’s scary. Hector! Run upstairs and grab a pair of sweat pants for Alan here.
Alan: I’m a forty-four slim. Can you bring me a few options?
Marshall: You found Chow once, find him again. And my gold.
Phil: Wait. We don’t even have a car, Chow stole my minivan.
Marshall: Take the limo, Hector has the keys. And get going. I’m killing Doug today.
[after leaving Marshall’s villa with his limo, the Wolf Pack make a stop by the side of the road]
Phil: I never saw anyone get killed before.
Stu: Right! My God, that was so intense. I mean, he just fell and he’s, he’s dead.
Phil: I feel sick.
Stu: Me too.
Alan: Well, maybe we should get some food, guys.
Stu: What are we going to do? We have no idea where Chow is.
Phil: I don’t know.
Stu: He took your minivan, maybe we could report it stolen and then they could track him down?
Phil: It’s worth a shot.
[Phil goes to grab his phone from his pocket]
Phil: Oh, fuck! I left my phone in the minivan.
Alan: Well, if you lost your phone, Phil, I have that ‘find my phone app’.
Phil: Oh, we have bigger problems than that, Alan.
Stu: No, no. Wait, wait. If your phone is in the minivan, and Chow has the minivan, then your phone’s with Chow.
Alan: You heard him, we have bigger problems than that, Stu.
Phil: Alan, give me your phone. Quick. That’s brilliant.
[Phil takes Alan’s phone]
Phil: Wait. What’s your password?
Alan: Hey, Phil.
Alan: No, that’s it.
Alan: That’s my password. “Hey, Phil.”
[Phil puts in the password]
Phil: It is it.
Alan: Phil gets it. Nothing worse than losing your phone.
Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother-in-law is kidnapped, you sure there’s nothing worse?
Alan: You don’t get it, Stu. You just don’t get it. Do you? I have over sixty apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you have any idea how much time and man hours it would take to re-download those apps?
Stu: You’re, you are right. I had not thought of that. Thank you.
Alan: Oh, God. It’s not always about you, Stu!
Phil: It’s locating.
[Alan’s phone pings as it tracks Phi’s cell phone]
Phil: Oh, God. Of course.
Stu: What? Where is he?
Phil: He’s in fucking Vegas.
Alan: Shot gun.
Stu: Oh, no.
Alan: Hey, Stu?
[Stu turns to face Alan]
Alan: I don’t enjoy talking to you that way. I don’t know why you insist on making me blow my top. We’ve been on a lot of adventures together, but it seems like you haven’t learned anything. Anything! You think on it.
[he pats Stu on the ass before turning toward the limo]
Alan: I’ll be in the limo.
[he walks toward the limo and whispers to Phil]
Alan: He’s okay.
[we see the Wolfpack driving to Las Vegas]
Stu: Someone needs to burn this place to the ground. I told myself I would never come back.
Phil: Don’t worry, it all ends tonight.
[as they drive through Las Vegas tracking Phil’s phone in his minivan]
Stu: It says two hundred yards up on the right.
Phil: And there it is. Amazing.
[they stop outside a pawn shop where the minivan has been left]
Phil: Looks like he ditched it.
[Stu opens the passenger side door]
Stu: It’s open.
Phil: No shit. Well look around.
[Phil opens the driver’s side door and gets inside]
Phil: Let’s see if he left anything in here .
[they all starts looking around inside the car]
Stu: I found the Demerol.
Phil: Good. Keep it, we’re going to need it.
[Stu pockets the Demerol]
Phil: Ah, I got my phone. No fucking keys though.
[turning to Alan in the back seat]
Phil: Alan, Anything ?
Alan: No, not even the gold.
Phil: Why the fuck would Chow come down here?
Stu: I know, right? Why here?
[inside the pawn shop, the clerk, Cassie, is watching wrestling on her computer]
Cassie: Woh. Nice !
[Phil, Stu and Alan enter the shop]
Phil: Excuse me, have you happened to see the driver of that minivan that’s parked out front? Short Asian guy?
Cassie: They’re all short.
Alan: That’s so true.
Phil: Right, but he may have been trying to pawn some gold.
Cassie: That would be my business, wouldn’t it?
Alan: I like your t-shirt.
[Alan starts walking toward Cassie, who’s sat behind the counter]
Alan: I saw that show at the Forum, he played Captain Jack.
Cassie: Yeah, I heard that was legendary.
Alan: Woman, you have no idea.
Cassie: Try me.
[Alan and Cassie seem to be having an intimate moment when they’re interrupted by Cassie’s mother entering behind the counter in her electric wheelchair]
Cassie’s Mom: Cassie, I’m hungry. I thought you ordered Chinese.
Cassie: Mom, I’m with a customer! You’ll eat when I say it’s time to eat!
Cassie’s Mom: But the doctor told…
Cassie: If you don’t reverse that right now, there’s going to be hell to pay.
[Alan laughs as he watches Cassie talking rudely to her mom, who reversers her electric wheelchair and leaves]
Alan: She’s rude.
Cassie: Thank you.
[yelling out to her mother]
Cassie: You hear that, ma? Nobody likes you!
Alan: Yeah, keep your mouth shut!
Cassie: You’re smart.
[Cassie rises from her seat and leans closer to Alan over the counter]
Cassie: The Chinese guy came in here earlier. He was pretty weird, he pawned a gold brick. That thing’s worth four hundred grand, he took eighteen thousand.
Phil: Did he say where he was going?
Cassie: I’m sorry, was I talking to you?
[looking back at Alan]
Cassie: He said he wanted three things. He wanted some girls, some guys and some bath salts. I gave him a card for an escort service and he took off.
[she takes the card for the escort service from her cash register]
Cassie: Pretty high end, so good luck getting anything out of them.
[she hands the card over to Alan]
Alan: Thank you.
[Alan then gives the card to Stu without taking his eyes off Cassie]
[Alan takes a lollipop from the jar on the counter and slowly sucks on it, he takes it out of his mouth and puts it in Cassie’s mouth, which makes Stu hurl in disgust, Cassie then continues to suck on the lollipop as she stares at Alan, as she starts chewing on the lollipop, Alan turns to Phil and Stu]
Alan: We got to go, we should go.
[Phil and Stu leave the shop, Alan turns to leave but stops and looks at Cassie, he smiles and blows her a kiss which she pretends to catch, Alan turns to go out but walks into a cello and knocks it and several other musical instruments down then tries to put them back up]
Cassie: I’ll get it. I’ll get it.
[he turns and waves to her again, as he goes to leave he walks into the hanging musical instruments again before finally walking out of the shop]
[as Stu is trying to call the escort service that was recommended to Chow]
Stu: No, I’m still on hold.
[they see Alan walking out of the pawn shop doing a happy dance as comes over to them]
Phil: Well, look how happy this fucking guy is?
Alan: Have you ever witnessed a moment with that much heat? I mean, white, hot heat, bro!
Phil: No, that was pretty intense.
[Stu manages to get through to the escort service]
Stu: Yeah, it’s actually an emergency. He has a thick Asian accent.
[he pauses as he listens]
Stu: I totally get it, but this is a highly unusual circumstance and…
[he pauses as he listens for a moment]
Stu: Okay. Alright.
[he ends the call]
Stu: It’s an escort service. They’re not going to tell us shit.
[Phil thinks for a moment]
Phil: Maybe an escort will.
[Stu looks skeptically Phil as he realizes he’s referring to Jade, the hooker Stu got married to in Vegas]
Phil: Still have her number?
Stu: Yeah, but it’d be pretty awkward.
Phil: It’s all we got.
[we see Alan in the background, looking through the window of the pawn shop]
Alan: She smiled at me again! From inside the shop.
[he starts walking back toward Phil and Stu smiling]
Alan: This is the best day of my life.
[they turn up at Jade’s house and she opens the door to greet them]
Stu, Phil: Hey!
Jade: Oh my, God, you guys! It’s been so long!
[she hugs Stu]
Jade: Come in, come in.
Stu: Thank you.
Jade: You look great.
Stu: So do you. You’re pregnant.
Jade: I feel so fat.
Stu: Oh, please.
[they enter inside her home]
Jade: Do you guys mind taking your shoes off? Because I’m kind of a germ freak.
Phil: Oh, of course.
Stu: Yeah. Sure.
[Stu and Phil start taking their shoes off, Alan uses one hand to lean on Jade’s pregnant stomach while he tries to take his shoes off]
Stu: Alan, what are you doing?
[as they walk inside Jade’s living room]
Phil: Wow, you have a great house.
Jade: Thank you. I got married a year ago to a surgeon. Another doctor, can you believe it?
Stu: Another doctor.
Jade: His name is Jeff. You guys would love him.
[turning to her son]
Jade: Tyler, say hi to mommy’s friends.
[Tyler waves to them as he’s sat playing on the floor]
[they wave back to Tyler]
Stu: Wait. Is that the baby?
Jade: Yeah. Time flies, huh?
Phil: Listen, Jade, is there a place we could talk that’s a little bit more private?
Jade: Yeah, let’s go in the kitchen. You guys want coffee?
[they start walking toward the kitchen, but Alan remains standing watching Tyler]
Phil: Hey, you coming?
Alan: Hey, Jade, is it okay if I go say hello to the little guy?
Jade: Of course.
[as the others leave, Alan goes over and sits down opposite Tyler as he plays with his toys]
Alan: Nice stuff.
Tyler: Thanks. Jeff bought it for me.
Alan: Jeff? Who’s that, your fake dad?
[Tyler doesn’t reply]
Alan: Your name was Carlos once. Did you know that?
Alan: Well, it was. And frankly it suits you better.
Alan: Do you remember me?
Tyler: No. Are you my real dad?
[Alan looks at Tyler for a moment before answering]
[Jade pours them coffee in her kitchen]
Alan: I don’t know. I mean, you got to understand I’ve been out of that world a few years now.
Stu: Yeah, of course. We totally get that.
Alan: I mean, Jeff knows everything and he’s cool, but…
Phil: We’re just asking if you could call around, just find out if anybody might know where he is.
Stu: We could really use your help.
[Alan and Tyler are sat inside Tyler’s play tent]
Alan: You used to love it when I would carry you around. Sometimes I can still feel your little head on my chest. So do you like this new Jeff guy?
Tyler: Yeah, he’s nice.
Alan: My dad was nice too. We did everything together. He was my life partner.
[Tyler just stares at Alan]
Alan: I really let him down.
[back in the kitchen, Jade is calling her escort services contact to find out where Chow is]
Jade: Okay. Wow. Just trust me, you don’t want to go over there, okay? Not this one. I love you too.
[she ends the call and turns to Stu and Phil]
Jade: She says there’s this crazy Chinese guy, and he’s hold up in a penthouse suite of Caesars Palace. There’s girls going in and out, drugs everywhere. Sounds like a bad scene.
[to Alan, as he’s still sat in Tyler’s play tent]
Phil: Hey, Alan? We got to go.
Alan: I got to go, little man. It was great talking to you.
[holding up his hand]
Alan: Hi five.
[as Tyler goes to give Alan a hi five, Alan moves his hand and touches his hair instead]
Jade: It was great to see you.
Stu: You too, Jade. Thanks so much for your help.
Alan: That’s a great kid you got there.
Jade: He is the best.
[suddenly Tyler comes up behind them]
[Tyler walks up to Alan and suddenly hugs him tightly]
Alan: Hold on. I have something for you.
[he takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on Tyler]
Phil: Oh, please.
Alan: I’ll see you around, Carlos.
[as they drive to Vegas, Stu makes the call to Marshall, who’s flying on his private plane]
Stu: We got him.
Marshall: Great. Where is he?
Stu: Caesars Palace.
[to Hector; referring to the pilot]
Marshall: Change of plans, tell him we’re going to Vegas.
Marshall: I’m on my way. There’s a spot just outside of town, I’ll text you the details. Be there at 6 a.m., and make sure the little fucker is tied up.
[Stu, whispers something to Phil]
Phil: Hey, Marshall. It’s Phil. Maybe Stu wasn’t clear, we don’t actually have Chow. We just know where he is.
Stu: Yeah, and we were hoping that you and your guys could go to Caesars and get him.
Marshall: I don’t give a fuck what you were hoping. The deal is you bring Chow to me.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
Marshall: 6 a.m., or your friend is dead.
[Marshall ends the call]
[as they stand outside Caesars Palace]
Stu: Oh, God! This place gives me the chills.
Alan: I know, right? It’s great to be back. So many good memories.
Stu: Are you kidding me?
[Phil walks up to them]
Phil: Okay. So here’s the deal. You need a key just to go on to his floor, and then once you’re there, he’s got security posted at the door. It’s ridiculous.
Stu: Let me guess, that’s him.
[Stu points up to one of the floors at Caesars Palace]
Phil: Yep. The one with the strobe lights. I got an idea, but you’re not going to like it.
[as they enter Caesars Palace]
Stu: It’s not going to work.
Phil: Not with that fucking attitude.
Alan: You know this whole place is made out of marbles?
[as they sneak into the chamber maids stock room]
Phil: Come on. Go, go, go, go, go.
[they grab a load of bed sheets and get on the elevator]
Phil: Okay, after we stick Chow, Alan and I are going to take him down to the lobby. Be waiting in the valet, engine running, ready to go.
Stu: Are you sure about this?
Phil: Give me the Demerol.
[Stu hands him the Demerol, then the elevator doors open and Alan and Phil walk out leaving Stu inside]
Phil: See you in twenty minutes.
Stu: Hey, Phil?
[Phil stops and turns to look at Stu]
Stu: Don’t die.
[the elevator doors close]
[Phil and Alan make their way to the roof of Caesars Palace, Phil look downs where Chow’s room is right below them, he sees Chow standing on his balcony, smoking, Phil turns to Alan]
Phil: Alright. You ready to do this?
Alan: Yeah. Wait, what are we doing?
[down below, Stu is in the valet parking area, he looks up at where Phil and Alan are on the roof]
Stu: Holy shit.
[we see the bed sheets, tied together like a rope, thrown down from the roof to Chow’s balcony]
Phil: We’re going to climb down, and then it’s about an eight foot drop to the balcony. Alright?
[Phil spits into the palms of his hands and runs his hands together, Alan then holds out his hands in front of Phil so that he can spit onto his hands]
Phil: No, you spit in your own hand.
Alan: Oh, yeah.
[Alan then proceeds to make a weird noise from the back of his throat as he tries to gather enough phlegm to spit into his hands]
Alan: Dry desert air.
[he tries again]
Phil: Alan, it’s fine. You don’t need it.
[Phil gets into position to climb down the tied up blankets]
Phil: Oh, God.
[he starts climbing down]
[Phil slips a little before managing to stop himself]
Phil: I’m okay.
Alan: Hey, Phil.
Phil: What’s wrong?
Alan: Hold on a second.
Alan: Hold on!
[Alan takes his cell phone out and prepares to take a photo of Phil]
Alan: Like, kick yourself out a little bit.
Alan: Stay still!
[Alan takes a photo of Phil]
Phil: Did you get it ?
Alan: No, hold on.
[Alan takes another photo and looks at it]
Alan: That’s cool.
[Phil then continues to climb down]
Phil: Oh, fuck me!
Alan: Everything alright?
Phil: It’s okay! It’s alright! I got it!
[he manages to climb down to the end of the sheets and jump down safely onto the balcony]
Alan: Are you okay?
[Phil gives a thumb up to Alan]
[Phil looks up at Alan, who’s still on the roof]
Phil: Alan, it’s your turn.
[Alan starts to climb over the edge of the roof]
Phil: That’s it.
Alan: Oh, God!
Phil: Come on.
[as he rolls over the edge of the roof he slips down the sheets]
Phil: Alan, are you alright?
Alan: Phil, call security! I think, I think I’m slipping!
Phil: Just hold on!
[we see the sheets becoming loose]
Alan: Oh, God!
Phil: You need to calm down!
Alan: I’m slipping, Phil!
[the sheets become loose and Alan falls onto the Caesars Palace sign]
Phil: Oh, holy fuck! Oh, shit! You okay?
[Alan then screams out for help]
[down below, Stu sees them]
Stu: Oh, no.
[as he lies on the Caesars Palace sign]
Alan: I’m going to die, Phil!
Phil: No, you’re fine. Just drop down to me.
Alan: No chance! I’m good up here.
Phil: Alan, you can do this. I’ll catch you. Just let go.
[on hearing these words, Alan starts to prepare to jump]
Phil: That’s it. That’s it. Just drop straight down. Do not push up.
[Alan jumps down, but lands on the edge of the balcony]
Alan: Oh, God!
[Phil manages to grab hold of Alan’s back]
Phil: Come here!
[Phil pulls Alan down and they both fall onto the balcony floor]
Phil: Holy fuck! You okay?
Alan: I almost died, Phil.
Phil: Come on, I wasn’t going to let you go. You’re my boy.
Alan: And you’re my man.
[Alan touches Phil’s face, but Phil takes his hand away]
Phil: Alan, what are you doing?
[Phil then takes the Demerol from his pocket]
Phil: Okay. Let’s go get this fucker.
[Phil and Alan enter Chow’s room and start looking for him, as they walk into the room they see girls and drugs everywhere, but no Chow]
Party Girl: Have you seen my…
[as they walk further into the room, Chow comes up behind them and flips the Demerol injection out of Phil’s hand and points his gun at him, Phil manages to hit him and make Chow drop his gun]
Phil: Get the gun!
[Alan picks up the gun, Chow then head butts Phil and runs off]
Phil: Oh, fuck!
Alan: Phil, you okay?
[Phil gets up and goes after Chow, he goes to open the bedroom door but finds it locked]
Phil: Chow! Chow, open the fucking door!
[Phil kicks the door open, the girls in the bedroom scream and they find Chow standing on the edge of the balcony]
Phil: Chow, stop!
Mr. Chow: Motherfuckers!
Alan: Leslie, get down from there! Please, you’re going to hurt yourself!
Mr. Chow: Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!
Phil: It’s invincible, and you’re not, you’re just out of your fucking mind! Now, get down from there before you die!
Mr. Chow: Die? How do you kill what’s already dead?
[he laughs as he jumps off the balcony]
[Phil and Alan look over the edge of the balcony and find Chow opening his parachute as he glides down]
[after Chow goes off on his parachute, Phil calls Stu, who’s still waiting at the valet area]
Stu: Hey, you okay?
Phil: No, look up.
[Stu looks up and sees Chow gliding on his parachute]
Stu: What the fuck is that?
Phil: That’s Chow!
Phil: Follow him.
[Stu gets in the car and starts following Chow as he continues to glide on his parachute]
Mr. Chow: Woo-hoo! I love cocaine!
[to the people in the streets as he tries to follow Chow]
Stu: Get out of the way!
Stu: How did this happen?
Phil: We had him trapped, and then he jumped. He’s out of his fucking mind!
[as Chow continues to glide on his parachute]
Mr. Chow: I’m out of my fucking mind!
[as Chow looks down at the massive waterfall fountains from one of the hotels]
Mr. Chow: Woh, beautiful!
[Stu continues to follow him]
Phil: Stu, do not lose him!
Stu: I’m trying!
[Stu sees Chow approaching the Eiffel Tower Restaurant]
Stu: Holy shit!
[as Chow gets nearer to the tower, he starts singing]
Mr. Chow: I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, thinking about it every night and day…
[back in Chow’s hotel suit]
Phil: We got to pack up all this gold, we’re taking it with us.
[on the phone to Stu]
Phil: Talk to me, Stu.
Stu: I got him. I got him!
[as Stu is looking up at Chow he nearly hits the car in front of him]
Stu: Oh, shit.
[Stu swerves his car to miss hitting the traffic ahead of him and in the process loses sight of Chow]
Stu: Fuck! I lost him.
Phil: Don’t tell me that, you can’t lose him!
Stu: This is so much harder than you realize, Phil. I’m just a dentist!
Phil: No, Stu, you’re a fucking doctor. Now go get him.
[this motivates Stu to turn the car, he starts looking up for Chow]
Stu: Where the fuck did he go?
[we see Chow is gliding above the limo Stu is driving]
Mr. Chow: Oh, fuck me! I should have thought this through!
[he starts descending on top of the limo]
Mr. Chow: Shit! Aah! Move!
[as Stu is driving along, suddenly Chow lands on his windscreen, making Stu scream]
Mr. Chow: Stu?
Mr. Chow: Stop the fucking car!
Stu: I can’t! The pedal is stuck!
Mr. Chow: What?!
[as he tries to stop the car, Chow’s parachute is covering the windscreen]
Stu: I can’t see!
Mr. Chow: Stop, motherfucker!
Stu: Get off!
Mr. Chow: Pull over!
Stu: It won’t’ stop! Get off the car! I can’t see anything.
Mr. Chow: We’re going to die, finally!
[suddenly they come upon two cars ahead, Stu swerves the limo to miss the cars, and as Stu manages to break the car to a stop, Chow gets thrown off the limo, landing hard on the ground]
Stu: Holy shit.
[Stu hears Phil on his cell phone]
Phil: Stu? Stu, what happened?
[Stu grabs his phone from the floor]
Phil: Stu, what’s going on?
Stu: We had an accident, I think he’s dead.
Phil: Wait, what?
Stu: I think I killed him.
[Stu gets out of the car and looks at Chow’s body lying on the ground]
Stu: Holy shit. He’s not moving.
Phil: Oh, fuck.
[looking down at Chow’s body]
Stu: Mr. Chow?
[Stu kneels beside Chow and tries to shake him awake]
[Chow starts coughing and opens his eyes]
Mr. Chow: Stuart?
[talking into his phone]
Stu: He’s alive, he’s okay.
Phil: Oh, great. Put him in the limo and come get us. We’ll meet you in the valet.
Stu: Yeah, okay.
[Stu ends the call]
[after Chow’s regained consciousness]
Mr. Chow: Stu, that was some ride, huh, pal?
Stu: Yeah, it was pretty wild.
Mr. Chow: I can’t feel my nuts. Would you rub down and make sure they’re okay?
Stu: It’s over, Leslie.
[Stu picks up Chow and starts carrying him toward the limo]
Mr. Chow: Wait, Let’s make a deal. Want Chow to blow your dick?
[Stu opens the trunk of the limo]
Mr. Chow: Come on, Stu.
[Stu places Chow in the trunk]
Mr. Chow: I could be a good wife to you.
Stu: No more deals.
[Stu shuts the trunk]
Mr. Chow: No, wait!
[Stu leaves Chow in the trunk and gets in the limo]
[Stu arrives at the valet section of Caesars Palace and sees Phil and Alan waiting, he nods to Phil, indicating he’s got Chow in the trunk of the limo]
Phil: Let’s put the bags in the back seat, trunk’s full.
[on the drive to meet Marshall in the desert, they hear Chow knocking from the trunk]
Mr. Chow: Hey, guys? I’m feeling better now.
[Phil check’s his cell phone]
Phil: Alright, it’s the next exit and four miles straight into the desert.
from the trunk
Mr. Chow: Tell you what. Let me out, we split the gold four ways, everyone wins.
[Chow knocks louder as he gets no response from the Wolf Pack]
Mr. Chow: Marshall going to kill me! My blood will be on your hands! You want Chow’s ghost haunting your for rest of your life, Stu? Floating over you while you make fuck on your wife?
Stu: He’s not going to kill you, Chow! He just wants his gold back!
Mr. Chow: It’s gone. I blew the first twenty million in Bangkok. That’s why I had to get the other half.
Phil: Enough, Chow! It’s over!
Mr. Chow: You motherfuckers! When I get out of this, I’m going to rip out your fucking lungs! Do you hear me? You’re dead! You’re all dead!
[there’s a moment’s pause]
Mr. Chow: I didn’t mean that. Chow loses temper sometimes. Please, I need help. I know that…
[Phil starts to wind up the black back window separating the front of the limo from the back seat, which blocks Chow’s voice]
Phil: That’s the exit.
[the Wolf Pack arrive at the drop-off in the desert and notice Marshall’s car arriving]
Phil: They’re here. Alan, they’re coming, grab the last bag.
[from the trunk]
Mr. Chow: Please, Alan.
[Alan ignores Chow’s plea and grabs the bag of gold from the back seat of the limo, Marshall’s car then stops in front of them and Marshall gets out pointing his gun at Doug as he gets out of the car]
Marshall: Step away from the bags!
[he pushes Doug forward]
Marshall: Let’s go!
[Phil, Stu and Alan take a few steps back from the bags and Hector opens up on of the bags to check the gold]
Marshall: Are we good?
Phil: It’s all there, I promise.
Marshall: Not exactly. I’m still missing the original half.
Phil: But… No, that’s all we have. Chow said that he blew the other half in Bangkok.
Marshall: Where is he?
Phil: He’s in the trunk.
[Marshall pats Doug on the shoulder]
Marshall: A deal’s a deal.
[he pushes Doug forward toward Phil, Stu and Alan]
Marshall: Give me the keys.
[Stu throws the limo keys to Marshall]
Phil: What are you going to do with Chow?
Marshall: I just want to talk to him. Move.
[he walks toward the limo; Phil turns to Doug]
[suddenly Marshall shoots at the trunk]
Phil: What the fuck?!
Marshall: End of conversation.
Phil: Why would you do that?!
Marshall: Leslie Chow is madness, you don’t talk to madness. If you’re lucky, you trap it in the trunk of your limo and you kill it. You did a great thing tonight, you should feel good about this.
[Marshall turns to the limo, he opens the trunk and sees that it’s empty]
Marshall: What the fuck?
[Marshall and Hector turn to the Wolf Pack]
Marshall: You think this is a fucking game?
[Marshall and Hector point their guns at the Wolf Pack and just as they’re about to shoot Chow appears from the limo’s sunroof and shoots Marshal and Hector in the back, killing them]
Mr. Chow: Toodaloo, motherfuckers!
[Chow steps out of the limo and points his gun at Stu and Phil]
Phil: Chow. Chow. Chow, wait.
Mr. Chow: Now you want to talk, blue eyes? No more silent treatment?
[Alan steps in front of Phil]
Alan: Leslie, no.
Mr. Chow: Stay out of this, Fatty.
Alan: No, Leslie. If you shoot Phil, you got to go through me.
[Chow continues to point his gun as he and Alan stare at each other]
Alan: Quiet. I’m in a stare off.
[as Chow and Alan stare at each other, Chow finally lowers his gun]
Mr. Chow: Today you all live because one of you was a friend.
Phil: Alan, what did you do?
Alan: I unlocked the latch between the back seat and the trunk.
Phil: And left him his gun?
Alan: Yeah, I didn’t think it all the way through.
Mr. Chow: He gave Chow a fighting chance. That’s all I ever need.
[the next morning, Chow and Alan stuff Marshall and Hector’s bodies in the trunk of Marshall’s car]
Mr. Chow: Fat fuck.
[Chow closes the trunk and turns to Alan]
Mr. Chow: It’s never easy, is it? No one wants to see that, except for me. But I was born bad. Hold on, I have something for you.
[he throws Alan one of the gold bars]
Mr. Chow: For your loyalty.
Alan: Oh, no. I don’t want this, Mr. Chow.
Mr. Chow: Okay, give it back then, come on.
Mr. Chow: Quick! Before Stu smells it.
[Chow takes the gold bar from Alan]
Stu: I don’t want it either, Chow.
Mr. Chow: Oh, please. Like a squirrel doesn’t want to a nut!
Mr. Chow: It’s funny because he’s Jewish.
[Alan doesn’t laugh]
Mr. Chow: Don’t you get it?
[Alan just stares at Chow]
Mr. Chow: Goddammit. Okay, go on. Get out of here, all of you.
[Alan starts walking toward Phil, Stu and Doug]
Mr. Chow: Hey, Chowsta, I’ll call you in a week. we’ll get together.
[Alan turns back to Chow]
Alan: No, Leslie, we can’t be friends anymore.
Mr. Chow: What?
Alan: You’re not good for me, it’s not healthy.
Mr. Chow: Alan, you’re not thinking straight. Let’s just talk tomorrow.
Alan: Leslie, you’re one of the coolest and nicest guys I’ve ever met. And you’re smart, and you’re funny and everybody loves you.
Mr. Chow: Alan, what is this?
Alan: It’s just that when we get together bad things happen and people get hurt.
Mr. Chow: Yeah, that’s the point. It’s funny.
Alan: Well, I’m going to make some changes in my life and this is one of them. I’m sorry.
[Chow looks visibly upset]
Alan: Farewell, Leslie Chow.
[Alan extends his hand to Chow, as Chow goes to shake Alan’s hand, Alan moves his hand up and slicks his hair back, Alan then turns and walks toward the rest of the Wolf Pack]
Mr. Chow: You’re cold as ice.
Alan: Shot gun.
[the Wolf Pack get into the limo and drive off, leaving Chow staring after them]
[they drive to where they left Phil’s minivan, in front of Cassie’s store]
Phil: Everybody okay?
Phil: Alan, you okay?
Phil: Good. Let’s go home.
[they all get out of the limo and cross the street toward Phil’s minivan]
Phil: Jesus Christ.
[Alan stops and looks at Cassie’s pawn shop]
Alan: You know what, guys? You can go ahead without me, there’s something I need to do.
Stu: Do you even know how to get home?
Alan: Of course I do, I’m a grown man. I’ll ask a stranger.
Phil: Good luck, Alan. We’ll see you soon.
[Alan watches as Phil, Stu and Doug get into the minivan and drive off]
[after the others leave, Alan goes into Cassie’s shop and walks up to her]
Alan: Did you know that just a couple blocks from here there’s a place that looks exactly like Paris, France? I can’t remember what it’s called, but it’s supposed to be magnificent.
Cassie: It’s called Paris Hotel and Casino, and it is magnificent.
Alan: Yeah, that’s it. well, I’d like to take you to dinner there, tonight
Cassie: Oh, sorry. No can do.
Cassie: I’m banned from the casino for life, plus ten years. I took mom there for her Birthday, played a little Blackjack, she split tens. I may have overreacted, they said it was abusing an elderly.
Alan: I’ve done that.
Cassie: Right? I can’t go back there. But, uh, Golden Nugget has the best prime rib in town. If that’s…
Alan: Well, that sounds glorious. I’ll send for you at eight o’clock.
[Alan then turns to leave]
Cassie: Is that it?
[Alan walks back to Cassie, they share an awkward kiss and then he pulls his pants down]
Alan: I saw it once, in pornography.
Cassie: Oh, it’s a nice gesture. But maybe we should wait.
Alan: Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
[Alan pulls his pants back on and they smile at each other]
Alan: I’ll see you at eight.
[Alan turns and walks out of the shop, smiling at Cassie as he leaves]
[6 months later – Alan is stood in his room wearing his wedding outfit looking in the mirror with Doug beside him]
Doug: You look great, Alan.
Alan: What do you think? Hat or no hat?
Doug: Uh, hat.
Alan: Yeah, okay.
[they hear a knock at the door, then Phil and Stu enter the room]
Phil: Wow, who’s this guy? The vest and the cane? I love it.
Alan: Thank you. Cassie picked it out for me.
Stu: You look like Mr. Peanut.
Alan: Yeah, I know. Right? That’s what I was going for.
[Doug takes off Alan’s hat]
Doug: Maybe, we’ll just lose it. Hm?
Phil: Hey, Alan, I was just talking to Cassie, she’s an amazing woman.
Alan: Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman, I find her much better than your wives.
Stu: Oh, that’s sweet.
Alan: Which reminds me, um, we need to talk. Doug.
[Doug perches on the desk nearby]
Alan: Right, listen, fellas. Now that I’m getting married, I’m going to be spending a lot more time with Cassandra.
Phil: Of course, yeah. It’s the way it should be.
Alan: No, you slow your roll, Phil, okay? There’s more. You’re not going to like this part.
[he pauses for a moment]
Alan: I must resign from the Wolf Pack.
Stu: Wow, that’s a big step, Alan.
Alan: I know, but she’s my soul mate. And my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh, my God.
Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We’re all adults here. I know you mount my sister, I’ve seen it many times.
[Phil laughs again]
Phil: Alan, you are the best.
Alan: The point is, you need to let me go.
[looking at Phil]
Alan: You in particular. I can’t be your hero anymore.
Phil: Okay, sure.
[Alan takes a breath]
Alan: Having said all that, I still would like to get together on Tuesdays for bowling and alternating Sundays for general horse play.
Stu: How about we play all that by ear?
[Phil looks at his watch]
Phil: Alan, it’s time.
Doug: Here we go.
[Alan turns to them, takes a deep breath]
Alan: I’m ready.
[they all leave the room, walking down the hallway together, we then see flashbacks of them doing the same Wolf Pack walk from the 1st and 2nd Hangover, then finally back to all of them leaving for Alan’s wedding]
[lines after end of credits – it’s the morning after the wedding in what looks like a really messed up hotel room, Phil wakes up and looks around him]
Phil: What the fuck?
[Alan then wakes up next to Cassie]
[Stu then emerges from the bathroom, laughing, half naked and wearing women’s panties with what appears to be breast implants]
Stu: Oh, my God. You guys, we’re so crazy! I’m wearing women’s underwear.
[Cassie laughs as she looks at Stu]
Cassie: Oh, my God!
Phil: Stu, don’t freak out, but you need to look down.
[Stu looks down and notices his breasts]
Stu: Oh, my God! Oh! Aah!
[Stu freaks out and the others laugh]
Stu: I have boobies now!
Phil: [laughing] Holy shit!
Stu: It’s not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan: The wedding cake, it was from Leslie.
[at that moment Chow emerges from the next room, naked and holding a katana]
Stu: Oh, my God.
Mr. Chow: We had a sick night, bitches!
[Chow laughs, then the monkey from Hangover Part II jumps on Stu’s shoulder making him scream and freak out]
Total Quotes: 79