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Home / Best Quotes / Happiest Season Best Movie Quotes

Happiest Season Best Movie Quotes

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Starring: Kristen Stewart, Mackenzie Davis, Alison Brie, Aubrey Plaza, Dan Levy, Mary Holland, Victor Garber, Mary Steenburgen

OUR RATING: ★★★½

Story:

Romantic comedy directed and co-written by Clea DuVall. The story follows Abby (Kristen Stewart), who is planning to propose marriage to her girlfriend, Harper (Mackenzie Davis), at Harper’s family annual Christmas dinner. But then she realizes that they don’t even know Harper is gay as she kept their relationship a secret from her family, making Abby question the girlfriend she thought she knew.

 

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Our Favorite Quote:

'Everybody's story is different. There's your version, and my version, and everything in between.' - John (Happiest Season) Click To Tweet

 

Best Quotes


 

Harper: [after she’s invited Abby to her parents for Christmas] I want to wake up with you on Christmas morning. And if that doesn’t convince you to love Christmas, I’ll never bring it up again.


 

Abby: [to Harper] I just woke up thinking about going home with you, and got very excited about Christmas.


 

Harper: I feel like I really put you on the spot last night. And I understand how you feel about Christmas, because you lost your parents, and you just don’t have…
Abby: No, no, no. I genuinely want to go. I get to go meet the people that made my favorite person.


 

Abby: What are you doing on your phone?
John: I’m sorry, I left a gentleman alone in my apartment, so I’m tracking him to make sure he leaves.
Abby: You’re tracking him?
John: Yeah. I track everybody. If the NSA can do it, so can I.


 

John: Abigail, don’t worry. I’m responsible for the careers of dozens of authors. I am more than capable of taking care of a few pets for two days.
Abby: It’ five days.
John: Five days. That’s what I said.


 

John: Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship. Why do you want to ruin that by engaging in one of the most archaic institutions in the history of the human race?
Abby: Because I want to marry her.
John: Okay. You say that, but what you’re actually doing is tricking the woman you claim to love by trapping her in a box of heteronormativity, and trying to make her your property. She is not a rice cooker, or a cake plate. She’s a human being.
Abby: No, it’s not about owning her. It’s about building a life with her. She is my person, and I really want everyone to know that.
John: I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.


 

John: So when are you going to ask her?
Abby: I was thinking of doing it on New Year’s. But now that I’m going home with her, I understand this is very old‐fashioned, but I’m probably going to ask her dad for his blessing, and propose on Christmas morning.
John: I’m sorry, ask her dad for his blessing? Way to stick it to the patriarchy. Really well done.


 

Abby: God, I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m finally going to meet everyone. I mean, I haven’t had a family Christmas in ten years. Also, a fact you don’t know about me. I am actually very good with parents.
Harper: Okay, there’s something that we should talk about before we get to my parents house.


 

Abby: [after Harper admits she hasn’t told her parents she’s gay] Then why did you invite me?
Harper: Because we were just having such a special night. And, fine, I got carried away. But it’s because I love you, and I want to give you such a great Christmas.
Abby: You’re off to a really great start.


 

Abby: So who do they think I am?
Harper: My roommate.
Abby: They don’t think it’s weird that you’re bringing your roommate home for Christmas?
Harper: No, because I told them that you had nowhere else to go, because your parents are no longer with us.


 

Harper: Look, I get it, okay? I am asking a lot of you. But I promise I will tell them everything after the holidays.
Abby: Okay, we can do this. It’s five days. How bad can it be?


 

Harper: You know, maybe don’t mention that you’re…
Abby: Gay?
Harper: Yeah. Yeah, I think, actually, it might be better just to avoid it. But don’t lie. You’re a very bad liar.
Abby: No, I’m not.


 

Harper: [as Tipper takes a photo of them] Mom, what are you doing?
Tipper: I started an Instagram feed for your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain. Your mother’s going viral!


 

Jane: [as she meets Abby] You’re so brave. And you don’t need to be.


 

Tipper: Oh, and this is Harper’s orphan friend. This is Abby.
Ted: Yes, of course.
Abby: Hey, sir.
[pats Abby on the shoulder]
Ted: Terrible. There, there.


 

Tipper: Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?
Abby: No. But I have. Because I have had many. But not too many. An appropriate amount. I actually just went through a breakup.
Jane: Oh, no.
Tipper: Abby.
Abby: Yeah. With, he was a milk man.


 

Tipper: Okay. Well, we’ll just show Abby to her room.
Harper: What, is she not going to stay up here with me?
Tipper: Harper, I would never ask two grown women to share the same bed.


 

Abby: Your room’s in the basement.
Jane: Oh, yeah. I had night terrors. They put me down here so I wouldn’t wake everyone up.


 

Abby: This is so nice.
Tipper: Better than your room at the orphanage?
Abby: Oh, I wasn’t in an orphanage. Because I was nineteen when my parents died.
Tipper: Oh. One of the lucky ones.


 

Tipper: Connor! How funny to see you here.
Connor: You told me to be here at seven, right?
Tipper: Shh.


 

Harper: Jane, I just can’t believe you’re still working on that book. It’s been like ten years.
Jane: Takes a long time to build a world.


 

Harper: Riley, this is Abby. Abby is my…
Abby: Orphan roommate. We, I am an orphan. But we live together. As friends. Like acquaintances.
Harper: Oh, please stop.
Abby: Yeah.


 

Abby: Was that the Riley?
Harper: Okay, that one really wasn’t my fault.
Abby: Well, who knows, maybe another one of your exes will bring out dessert.


 

Harper: You know, you’re right. You are really good with parents.
Abby: You think they like me?
Harper: Definitely.
Abby: You think they like me as much as they love Connor?
Harper: Oh, no. No, no. But they don’t even really like me that much, so.


 

John: Have you managed to get a man’s permission to take ownership of an adult human woman yet?
Abby: Not exactly.
John: What’s going on? You sound tense.
Abby: No, I’m not tense. I’m great. There’s just one tiny thing. Harper isn’t out, and her parents don’t know we’re together.


 

John: So, what, her parents are believing that their straight daughter brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?
Abby: No. No. They also think that I’m straight.
John: Have they ever met a lesbian?
Abby: It’s not so bad. It’s kind of fun having a secret.
John: Yeah. I mean, there’s nothing more erotic than concealing your authentic selves.


 

Harper: Snowman pancakes. God, that’s a lot of work for something that’s just going to turn to s**t. Oh, but that’s kind of like your law degree.
Sloane: It must be freeing to be so self‐involved you don’t realize that’s actually not appropriate language to use in front of children.


 

Ted: I cannot believe I’ve got all my daughters under one roof.
Tipper: This is great content.


 

Jane: [to Abby as they watch Harper and Sloane skating] I love it when they do this.
Eric: What are they doing?
Jane: They’re racing.


 

Abby: [as they watch Harper and Sloane] Should we stop them?
Eric: No, they’ll tire themselves out eventually.


 

Tipper: Ted, the family holiday photo is an essential element of every candidate’s feed, and if we cannot manage to post one, we do not deserve to have that account at all.

See more Happiest Season Quotes


 

Sloane: So how long have you and Harper been roommates?
Abby: I moved in like six months ago.
Sloane: You moved in to her place? Isn’t it a one bedroom?
Abby: Technically, yes. Yeah, well, it was a one bedroom. And now that we have converted the pantry into my bedroom, it’s two bedroom. It’s really spacious in there, and it’s…
Sloane: I don’t want to have this conversation anymore.


 

Harry Levin: Last election, I almost backed Dave Grady.
Ted: Dave Grady? Didn’t his son…
Harry Levin: Get arrested for exotic animal smuggling? Yes. I’m telling you this because I’m not just looking at you. This is a family affair.
Ted: Well, I can assure you, this family has nothing to hide.


 

John: Did you know that you’re standing in a country club that didn’t let women have their own memberships until the early 2000s?
Abby: How do you know that?
John: I might be tracking you. But it’s for your own safety, clearly.


 

Abby: What do you want?
John: I want you to break out of that closet.
Abby: I am not in the closet. I told you, Harper’s going to tell her parents everything right after the holidays.
John: You deserve to be with someone who shouts their love for you from the rooftops.
Abby: That’s very sweet.
John: So stop being a doormat, you fool.


 

Abby: Did you need something, or did you just call to shame me?
John: I’m not shaming you. I just think the choice you’re making is dumb, and you should feel bad about it and yourself. Also, I am loving these fish. If I wanted to buy the exact same one for myself, where do you think I would do that?
Abby: What?
John: You know what, I think I should Google it. I’m going to Google it. Thanks.


 

[as she finds Abby in the closet]
Tipper: Abby, what are you doing in the closet?
Abby: Well, I guess I must have been sleepwalking.
Tipper: Oh, that is very dangerous. I once took too many Ambien, and I bought a racehorse online.


 

[knocking on the bedroom door as Abby and Harper are in bed together]
Tipper: Abby, honey, are you okay?
Abby: Uh‐huh. I’m okay.
Abby: I can’t believe I fell asleep.
Tipper: I think there’s something against the door.
Abby: I’m just moving it right now. Sorry. It’s heavy.
[opens the door as Harper hides behind the door]
Abby: Morning.
Tipper: Why did you block the door?
Abby: I didn’t want to sleepwalk again.


 

[as she tries to keep Harper hidden behind the door]
Ted: Have a good day.
Abby: You know I will.


 

Tipper: [referring to Sloane’s children] Oh, take them to see Santa Claus. This could be the last year that they see him.
Matilda: Why? Is Santa dying?
Tipper: No.
Magnus: Are we dying?
Sloane: No!


 

Matilda: Why was Aunt Harper hiding in your room this morning?
Abby: We were playing a game.
Magnus: Like hide‐and‐seek?
Abby: Yeah. Like hide‐and‐seek.
Magnus: We love that game.


 

Abby: [referring to the necklace] I did not put that in my bag. There might…
Mall Security Ed: Oh, you didn’t put it in your bag, but it ended up in your bag. So this is probably just a big misunderstanding.
Mall Security Crystal: Maybe it grew legs and then it walked into her bag. Did you check it for legs, or…
Mall Security Ed: I haven’t checked it for legs.
Mall Security Crystal: You haven’t done that.
Abby: I’m not suggesting that it grew legs.


 

Mall Security Ed: You pulling a job? Jacking a roost?
Abby: What was that?
Mall Security Crystal: Yeah, hocking crank and breaking bad?
Abby: I’m not doing any of those things.
Mall Security Ed: Smash and grab?
Abby: I didn’t take this necklace.


 

Abby: You know, I’m glad I ran into you. Because I’m having this thing where if I stick my finger in my eye, it like really hurts.
Riley: Yeah, I mean, that’s a classic case of contact stupiditis. Because it’s a stupid thing to do.
Abby: Yep.
Riley: Once you get to the finger‐poking stage, you’re pretty much dead.


 

Riley: [to Abby, referring to Harper] We started dating. But nobody knew that, obviously. And we would like leave these little love letters in each other’s lockers. And one day, one of Harper’s friends found one of the letters. And she asked Harper what it was about, and Harper basically just said that I am gay, and that I wouldn’t leave her alone. And then within a couple days like everybody in school found out, and everybody was so awful to me.


 

Riley: [to Abby] So the thing that I can relate to is just being in love with somebody that is too afraid to show the world who they are. But that was a long time ago.


 

Harper: It just feels a little suffocating.
Abby: I’m suffocating you?
Harper: Or not. But just…
Abby: Well, I feel really suffocated in the closet that you shoved me back into.


 

John: [to Abby] Okay, so I might have been a little judgmental when we last spoke. You are in an unusual situation, and as your friend, I should have created a safe space for you to share without the threat of criticism. So I’m sorry. I am here. No judgment. What is going on?
Abby: Well, let’s see. I was arrested by mall security yesterday, and now Harper’s entire family thinks I’m a criminal. And after spending her entire night, like until two o’clock in the morning, with her ex‐boyfriend, Connor, she’s acting like someone I barely even recognize. And I want to just get out of here, but it would cost me like a thousand dollars to get a ride. And this is why I avoid Christmas. It brings out the worst in everything. I know this isn’t about me. I just feel crazy.


 

Abby: Who’s really going to want a mini doughnut factory?
Riley: This family. I saw two of their cousins get in a fistfight over a quesadilla maker
at this party once.


 

Abby: Oh, where should I put this white elephant gift?
Tipper: I don’t know. In the oven? Jesus, Abby. Where do you think it goes? Under the damn tree. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You probably never even had a Christmas tree.


 

Tipper: And I can’t find my Christmas brooch. Have you seen it? You can tell me. I won’t be mad. I just want to know it’s safe.
Abby: I haven’t seen it.
Tipper: Okay. Well, if it should magically appear on my dresser, there will be no questions asked.


 

Ted: Sloane was on track to make partner at her firm before she left to start a family. She’s our super mom. Harper is our powerhouse. And Jane is the only reason the Internet ever works in this house.
Jane: I have a way with routers.


 

Riley: You know, thing is, my parents were so attached to me believing in Santa Claus that even after years go by, and I stop believing in Santa Claus, and they knew that I stopped believing in Santa Claus, we just kept that charade going. Their investment in it just made me feel so bad for them, you know?
Abby: Yeah.
Riley: Like so bad for them that, you know, that I eventually just murdered them.
Abby: That sounds fun.


 

Abby: Yesterday, I’d never felt closer to another person in my entire life, and now I don’t know her. And I thought she loved me, and was happy. But I see her here, and she’s so terrified of what everyone thinks. And it’s just making me wonder who the real Harper is. You know?
Riley: Well, maybe they both are.
Abby: I was going to ask her to marry me tomorrow.


 

Abby: How are you here?
John: When are you going to get this? I have been tracking you.


 

Tipper: Are you the ex‐boyfriend?
John: Yes. I am John, Abby’s heterosexual ex‐boyfriend, and I have come to get her back.
Tipper: I see. Well, it would’ve been nice to have known you were coming. But since you are here, enjoy.
John: Thank you so much.
[as Tipper walks away]
John: Okay, I nailed that. And she is fabulous.


 

John: [to Abby] That phone call earlier was a cry for help. I’m here to rescue you. Please get your things.


 

John: [to Abby, referring to Connor]  Is that the ex‐boyfriend? I mean, I guess he’s handsome.


 

Abby: I can’t do this for you anymore. But Merry Christmas. Enjoy your family, and enjoy Connor.
Harper: What? What? No. I don’t want him. I don’t want Connor. I want you.
Abby: Then what was that?
Harper: I don’t know.


 

Abby: Do you know how painful it’s been to watch the person that I love choose to hide me?
Harper: I am not hiding you! I am hiding me! Okay? Our entire life, we have been expected to be these perfect, golden children. I mean, love in our house wasn’t something we just got for free. It is something that we competed for, and if we veered off their course, we lost it. I know it’s messed up, okay? I get it. But they’re my parents, and I am scared that if I tell them who I really am, I will lose them! And I know, if I don’t tell them, I will lose you. I don’t want to lose you.


 

John: You pump?
Connor: I’m sorry?
John: Weights.
Connor: Oh. Yeah. You?
John: Yeah. Yeah.
Connor: What do you bench?
John: Thousand. Thousand, plus.


 

Harper: Please promise me you won’t say anything. Now is just very bad timing, and I’m telling them everything after the holidays anyways.
Sloane: Honestly, I feel sorry for you. Mom and dad are going to be so heartbroken when they find out you’ve been lying to them.


 

Harper: [to Sloane] I guess I’m not the only one with a secret.


 

Harper: Don’t do this, Sloane.
Sloane: All this because you’re scared to not be the favorite. Pathetic.
Ted: Sloane, you’re making a scene!
Sloane: I am? You think she’s so innocent? All of this is happening because Harper is…
[Harper throws a flower branch at her to stop her]
Sloane: Harper is a lesbian. Abby’s her girlfriend.
Harper: She is lying! I am not a lesbian!


 

Jane: [after Harper smashes her painting over Sloane] I put a hundred hours into that painting, and you just destroyed it like it was nothing. It was something. I am something. And guess what. I like myself. And maybe you all don’t because I’m not fancy. But whether you like it or not, I’m a part of this family, and I will not be left out anymore!


 

Tipper: Kids, what are you doing back there?
Magnus: Playing hide‐and‐seek. Like Abby and Aunt Harper.


 

Abby: My parents loved Christmas. We would do all the stuff. We would decorate, and do the tree and watch, like every Christmas movie. After they died, I couldn’t really bring myself to acknowledge Christmas. The holidays were just a huge reminder of them not being here. So I really thought maybe this year with Harper, and meeting her family, you know, that it would just feel different. I don’t think that she loves me as much as I thought she did.


 

John: Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.
Abby: How could it not?
John: Remind me, what did your parents say when you told them you were gay?
Abby: That they loved and supported me.
John: That’s amazing. My dad kicked me out of the house, and didn’t talk to me for thirteen years after I told him.


 

John: [to Abby] Everybody’s story is different. There’s your version, and my version, and everything in between. But the one thing that all of those stories have in common is that moment right before you say those words, when your heart is racing, and you don’t know what’s coming next. That moment’s really terrifying. And then once you say those words, you can’t unsay them. A chapter has ended, and a new one’s begun. And you have to be ready for that. You can’t do it for anyone else.


 

John: Just because Harper isn’t ready, it doesn’t mean she never will be. And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.
Abby: I want to be with someone who is ready.


 

Ted: What the hell happened tonight? Even as children, you never behaved this badly. I expected more from you, especially you, Harper. You know how this world works.  Reputation is everything, and tonight you jeopardized mine.


 

Harper: Sloane wasn’t lying. I’m gay. And I am in love with Abby. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys sooner, but I know how much appearances and reputation matter to you, and me being gay just didn’t fit into the plan. But I let myself hurt Riley because I was so scared that you would find out I wasn’t who you wanted me to be. And I still regret it. I can’t do that to Abby, and throw away our life together. So I am done being scared, and I am done keeping secrets.


 

Harper: [after coming out to her parents] I did it. I’m sorry.
Abby: It’s just too late.


 

Sloane: [to Ted and Tipper] Eric and I are getting a divorce. We separated a few months ago. And the truth is I didn’t tell you because without my family I’m worthless to you. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to earn your love, and I’m done too.
Jane: I don’t have any secrets, but I am an ally.


 

Tipper: [to Ted] We have been so worried about seeming perfect. But maybe we don’t even know what perfect is. We have one daughter who has been unhappy in a marriage, and felt like she couldn’t tell us. And another daughter who just had her heart broken because she was afraid we wouldn’t love her if she told us the truth. And the only reason that Jane is okay is because we gave up on her after she wouldn’t stop biting in preschool. That is very far from perfect, if you ask me.


 

Abby: Who’s watching the animals?
John: My therapist is taking care of them, but we should have a conversation about the fish at some point.
Abby: What happened to the fish?


 

John: [to Abby] Okay, so I just want to preface this by saying that nobody would disagree that fish belong in the ocean. Correct?


 

Harper: You are my family. I mean, you are the love of my life. I was terrible. And I wish that I could undo everything, but I promise you I will make it up to you. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. And I won’t hurt you like this again. But please, give me another chance. I want to build a life with you. Please.
Abby: And what about your parents?
Harper: No, no. I don’t care what they think. I only care about you. If I have you, that’s all I need. Be with me.
[they kiss]


 

Ted: I have sunk almost all of our savings into this campaign. Because I thought, if I won, you’d all be proud of me.
Harper: We’re already proud of you.
Sloane: We don’t care if you win.
Jane: Yeah. And the money doesn’t matter. When I sell my book, I’ll take care of all of us.


 

Ted: I love you, girls. And I’m sorry for making you think that anything could ever get in the way of that. I want to do better, and it will take time. But all I want for you is to find the same joy and happiness that you have given me, no matter where it comes from.


 

Harry Levin: I like you. I think you can win too, and not just this election.
Ted: Thank you, Miss Levin.
Harry Levin: Hold on. There’s an “if”. Now, I don’t know if Sloane’s revelation last night was true, but if it is, and Harper can adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding her private life, I think we could be in business. What do you say?
[Ted walks back into living room and ends the call]
Tipper: Well?
Ted: It’s not going to work out. We’ll figure something out.


 

John: [as he’s about take the family photo] Okay. Everyone say, “Christmas.”
Tipper: No, don’t say that.


 

[reading from her now published fantasy book]
Jane: “Once they cross Corvall Chasm, they will enter floam territory. The Shadow Dreamers know they might not all make it out with their Krindoll intact, but the entire Thorfian race rests on their shoulders. They look to each other, and then into the darkness. It is Glank who takes the first step.”


 

What do you think of Happiest Season quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments below as we’d love to know.

 

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