Starring: Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, LaKeith Stanfield, Tiffany Haddish, Danny DeVito, Chase Dillon, Dan Levy, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jared Leto, Winona Ryder, Hasan Minhaj
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Supernatural horror comedy directed by Justin Simien. Inspired by the Disney theme park attraction, Haunted Mansion (2023) centers on Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), a single mom, and her young son, Travis (Chase Dillon), who looking to start a new life, move into a strangely affordable mansion in New Orleans, only to discover that the place is much more than they bargained for. Desperate for help, they enlist a motley crew of so-called spiritual experts, Kent (Owen Wilson), a priest, Ben (LaKeith Stanfield), a widowed scientist-turned failed-paranormal expert, Harriet (Tiffany Haddish), a French Quarter psychic, and Bruce (Danny DeVito), a crotchety historian.
Where to Watch:
Best Quotes
Madame Leota: Welcome, Foolish Mortals, to New Orleans. A most paranormal place. Where somber funerals end in celebration. Where death is not an ending, but a new beginning. And even grief can be a doorway to joy, if one is willing to walk through it.
Alyssa: [flashback] Sounds like you’re trying to see the unseen.
Ben Matthias: That’s exactly what I’m doing. But you said it in a much better way.
Alyssa: Okay. I kind of do the same thing. I give ghost tours.
Ben Matthias: Oh. So, you don’t do the same thing at all.
Alyssa: Not at all. But it’s kind of like it. I help people see things they can’t always see.
Daytime Bartender: Listen, I hate to pile on top of what I assume is a bad day, but this thing isn’t working.
Ben Matthias: What makes you think I’m having a bad day?
Daytime Bartender: Why am I assuming that you’re having a bad day? Because you smell like yesterday.
Ben Matthias: Okay, Carols, let me impart a little bit of truth on to you. I’ve been in every “haunted house” in the most haunted city in the world. I’ve even been in that building. Seventy-two hours. You want to know what I found? Nothing. Not a thing. Ghosts don’t exist. Life is dirt. We’re all dirt!
Gabbie: [to the movers, over phone] How are you four hours behind? We left at the same time. Yeah. No, I understand a lunch break, but this sounds a little bit more like dinner and a movie.
Travis: This place is haunted!
Gabbie: Alright, now. Hang on. Now, I know this place isn’t as warm as I had hoped. But, you know, I think we get some daylight in here, it’s going to feel better. Hey, I’m going to light a vanilla candle and it’s going to be a game changer.
Travis: Will it though?
Gabbie: [to Travis] Sweetie, I need you to give this place a chance. This is our home now.
Gabbie: [as she sees a ghost] No. We’re out.
Father Kent: I know opportunity usually knocks, but sometimes it just can’t wait. Like right now.
Father Kent: You want to be a hero?
Ben Matthias: Pass.
Father Kent: You ready to have your mind blown?
Ben Matthias: Goodbye.
Father Kent: You’re Ben Matthias. You worked at the Space Center, building telescopes. Before that, you were an astrophysicist at CERN. Now, you’re giving walking tours? That’s like having Michael Jordan play baseball. Let’s put you in the game where you belong. Playing the right position.
Ben Matthias: I am not driving an hour anywhere to…
Father Kent: She’ll pay. Two thousand dollars.
Ben Matthias: What’s the address?
Father Kent: Money talks. Hey, it talks to me too. But, shh! Don’t say anything. The big man upstairs is always watching, and he keeps me on a really short leash.
Ben Matthias: Yeah. Not short enough.
Ben Matthias: I’m not afraid of a couple ghosts.
Gabbie: You say that now. But really, this could change the course of your entire life. Once you come inside, like that’s it. There is no going back.
Ben Matthias: I guess it’s just a risk I’m willing to take.
Ben Matthias: Okay, I’m just doing some final calculations here. Good news. No ghost. I know it can be scary. A big house like this creaks in the night, cold drafts. It happens. But there’s this thing called the power of suggestion.
Gabbie: Yeah, I probably just need to calm down, don’t I?
Ben Matthias: Couldn’t hurt.
Gabbie: These ghosts, and I suspect there might be quite a few. They’re like bed bugs. If you step one foot in here, they just latch on.
'One man's monster is another man's great Halloween costume.' - Father Kent (Haunted Mansion) Share on X
Ben Matthias: You could have told me before you let me just walk out of here.
Gabbie: I would feel worse if you hadn’t taken so much money just to use a dead camera and scribble nonsense.
Ben Matthias: I did do that.
Ben Matthias: You’re in on this as well? You knew about this the whole time? You’re supposed to be a priest!
Father Kent: What do you want me to say? The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
Ben Matthias: No. You are a monster!
Father Kent: Hey, you got paid.
Ben Matthias: Not enough.
Father Kent: I asked you, are you ready to be a hero?
Ben Matthias: And what did I say? I said, “No.”
Father Kent: But your eyes were screaming yes!
Father Kent: Guys, now we can use Ben’s camera and identify every ghost in this crooked mansion, see what we’re up against, make it a fair fight.
Ben Matthias: Why are we talking about fighting ghosts? I mean, we should be figuring out how we got trapped here, and how we get our lives back.
Father Kent: Look, we’re in a fight whether we like it or not.
Father Kent: I feel like sometimes you’re focusing a little on the negative.
Ben Matthias: Yeah. Because we’re never going to go home again.
Father Kent: See, that’s a downer.
Hatchet Ghost: [to Ben] Did I frighten you? Good, you should be frightened.
Father Kent: It’s time to assemble the Dream Team. That’s the nickname I’m giving us.
Ben Matthias: I’m pretty sure that’s taken.
Father Kent: Once we know what we’re dealing with, we’re going to need someone who can talk to these ghosts. A psychic. I did find one within our price range. She’s been doing readings at Bar Mitzvahs, but gets a very solid Yelp score.
Harriet: [as they enter the dining room] People used to eat here.
Father Kent: I told you, she’s good.
Ben Matthias: No, it’s a dining room.
Harriet: I’ve sensed a lot of grief in this house. And grief, unprocessed, will make a spirit stuck.
Father Kent: Okay, well, can you help us unstick them then?
Harriet: I can do it. But I would need a week, paid, where I can recharge my crystals
and begin doing my research. And then, we can get to it. I’ll send you a invoice from PayPal in the meantime.
'God, give us a break. We don't want to be haunted. And it just seems like there's so many bad people in the world. Haunt them.' - Father Kent (Haunted Mansion) Share on X
Harriet: You didn’t tell me that these ghosts be following people! I know your mama
gots to be disappointed in you. I know she disappointed in you, because I’m pretty sure she taught you better than this! I knew this was weird. All these freaky, different looking people living in the same place.
Harriet: What you have done is deeply wrong and absolutely unforgivable. The ghost that followed me home was on a horse. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a ghost horse charging through your bedroom? Now, I’ve decided to be the bigger person and help you. Mostly because you have left me no other options.
Father Kent: Am I proud of the fact that Ben attacked an elderly educator? Of course not. That being said, totally worth it.
Father Kent: Maybe I’ll just do a little blessing, a prayer to get us started on the right foot. God, give us a break. We don’t want to be haunted. And it just seems like there’s so many bad people in the world. Haunt them. How about an “amen” at the count of three? One, two, three. Amen!
Harriet: Amen.
Travis: [referring to Kent, to Gabbie] Are you sure he’s a priest?
Harriet: Now, if I can communicate with William Gracey, I suspect he will have the answers that we need. And just to confirm, the only thing available to us is this French Vanilla Yankee Candle?
Gabbie: Yeah. I keep forgetting to cancel my subscription to Amazon, so.
Harriet: Why are you here? Why are you hanging on? If you have a message that you’d like to leave us, or a greeting of sorts, here’s a pen and pad that I purchased from CVS.
Father Kent: First he’s trapping us here, now he’s dragging us out. Enough! Make up your mind.
Gabbie: Is there anyone that we need to contact to let them know that you’re here so they don’t worry?
Bruce Davis: Well, there is a woman. I make her take my trash down for me.
Gabbie: Yeah, I bet she’ll be okay.
Harriet: I know this might sound silly, but I believe that souls can send signs from the Region Beyond. My father passed away, and he loved model trains. He would take them apart and put them back together again every day. But on those days when I get really low, I mean really low, I will randomly hear a train off in the distance. And I know that’s my dad saying “Hi”. Those moments are called ghost winks.
Father Kent: I’m going to cover us with some morning prayers.
Gabbie: It’s the middle of the night!
Father Kent: Not in Rome.
Bruce Davis: Is it cold? It’s starting to feel colder.
Harriet: Well, you don’t have any pants on, Bruce.
Ben Matthias: Hey, listen. I’m sure those guys deserved what they got, but, baby, baby, listen. I know you can hear me. Okay, babe? Ghost Bae. Can I call you Ghost Bae? But me, I’m different. I’m a supporter. I’m an ally, to you, and to all women.
Gabbie: [referring to the crystal ball] How did you get in there?
Madame Leota: I can show you what happened. But it will cost you. Three dollars.
Bruce Davis: What? That’s highway robbery!
Madame Leota: [to Ben] Oh, there’s much grief in you. You will be most vulnerable to his manipulations.
Father Kent: Not on our watch. We got you.
Ben Matthias: But what are you going to do?
Father Kent: [as he pulls out an ax] Yeah.
Harriet: They’re already dead!
Father Kent: They’re going to be deader.
Bruce Davis: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s been sixty-six deaths in this house since that ball lady was trapped there. So, he doesn’t have nine-thirty-three. He’s got nine-ninety-nine. And unless one of you wants to start funeral arrangements, we better get out of here.
Bruce Davis: How are you going to find an object someone possessed when you don’t know who the “someone” is?
Ben Matthias: Just say “astral projection”. You don’t need to use all these words as if you just invented them. It’s ridiculous.
Harriet: Astral projection? Have you ever heard of astral projection? Is that in your Bible? Let’s talk about what really is ridiculous.
Father Kent: Hey, I like the idea of a reverse seance. Yeah, they’ve been coming into our realm, let’s go visit them. Oh, you’re going to scare us? No. We’re going to scare you! Boo!
Ben Matthias: [referring to Travis] How’s he doing?
Gabbie: I fear he may be a little young to be processing existential dread.
Ben Matthias: [as they see a floating egg] Oh, it’s scary.
Gabbie: No more eggs.
Ben Matthias: Speaking of egg-sistential.
Ben Matthias: [referring to Travis] Hey, how about I go talk to him?
Gabbie: Okay, just don’t egg him on.
Ben Matthias: Eggs-actly. We have to stop this.
Travis: I don’t know why they don’t like me. I mean, I dress my best every day. I always raise my hand in class. And I make sure everybody follows the rules on the playground.
Ben Matthias: Yep. Well, I think you just answered your own question right there.
Father Kent: Oh, yeah. That’s got some mojo to it. A little Dragon’s Blood? Or Yerba Santa? What are we talking about?
Harriet: Sage from Costco.
Harriet: When I leave my body to look at this dark spirit, I don’t want anyone else jumping in. Not that I think it will get to that. I’ve done it a thousand times.
Bruce Davis: You see, if you say it like that, it makes me feel like you’ve never done it.
Harriet: Yes, I have. I’ve probably done it like ten thousand times.
Bruce Davis: Why elevate it to that level? Then I don’t believe it at all. How am I going to get into this?
Harriet: Believe it, boo. Believe it.
Harriet: See I have to be very raw in order to go to the other side. This is a picture of my dog that tragically moved to live on a farm. Actually, he got hit by a car. Bursted like a water balloon.
Hatbox Ghost: [to Ben] No reason to be afraid. Now, I know this place is absolutely dripping with the most sorrowful souls, all searching for what eluded them in life. Searching for purpose, too cowardly to do anything about it. But you, you have promise. You know that life has no meaning. That we all end up in the dirt. Boo!
Father Kent: Come on, a ghost who haunts other ghosts? That’s not fair. Aren’t there any rules?
Bruce Davis: Did he look human?
Ben Matthias: Sort of. He walked with a cane and a limp, and he carried his head inside of a hatbox.
Father Kent: What part of that is “sort of”?
Gabbie: Do you have any living family?
Harriet: Three sisters. Bullied me every day of my life. My older sister? She’s just terrible. My middle sister, she’s just an awful person. But my younger sister, I actually believe she is the Devil.
Bruce Davis: [referring to Ben’s deceased wife, Alyssa] What was the cholesterol on that woman? I mean, can you imagine? Cheesesteak. Tater tots. She stopped off for ice cream. Salt and fat. She was going to the bone orchard!
Sketch Artist: Okay. Average eyes.
Ben Matthias: But they were a bit sunken into the recesses of his ocular cavity.
Bruce Davis: Deep eyes! Deep sunken eyes.
Ben Matthias: Like a raccoon.
Bruce Davis: Beady eyes.
Ben Matthias: Like they were set back. His eyes were doing that. And no eyelids.
Sketch Artist: So, they’re into his skull. No eyelids.
Sketch Artist: What about his nose?
Ben Matthias: No nose.
Bruce Davis: No nose.
Sketch Artist: Why would he have a nose?
Sketch Artist: No lips, why not? Why would he have lips?
Sketch Artist: [shows his sketch of Hatbox] Is this the man who mugged you?
Ben Matthias: Wow! You just did that, just now? This is amazing.
Bruce Davis: You know what would be fun? See him with skin.
Bruce Davis: [referring to Hatbox] Crump, a murderer in life. Now, a murderer in death.
Hatbox Ghost: Oh, I do love surprises. And I’ve got a great one coming up for you.
Travis: Put the pedal to the metal!
Ben Matthias: Okay, Mr. Ghost? Hi. Do you mind waiting in the car while we go get your mansion back, so that you may not haunt us for eternity? Thank you.
Pat: [reading Crump’s quote] “I do not trust any man who reads nor any woman who, dot, dot, dot, reads.”
Father Kent: Was it just hard to find quotes or…
Travis: You want me to go down there? Are you kidding me? I’m a child!
Ben Matthias: Yes, this is true. And you don’t have to go down there. However, you got to go down there.
Ben Matthias: You alright? You good?
Travis: No! This is a tunnel of terrors!
Ben Matthias: What is it?
Father Kent: Tater tots. It’s a ghost wink.
Ben Matthias: Let me see. No. Those are my jalapeño poppers.
Father Kent: Look a lot like tots to me.
Father Kent: Everything looks normal. Of course, normal for this place is terrifying.
Ben Matthias: Listen, if we’re not back in two hours, and I never thought I’d say this, call the police.
Father Kent: If this comes down to an exorcism, we’re in big trouble.
Ben Matthias: Why?
Father Kent: Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not even a priest! I work in Halloween supplies. I just put this on just to make some extra scratch. Yeah, everyone wants to think their house is haunted, so I go sprinkle some holy water and get paid. I’m a fraud. I’m sorry.
Ben Matthias: Father Kent. Now, let me ask you something. You want to be a hero?
Father Kent: No.
Ben Matthias: See?
Father Kent: You can’t use my lines back against me.
Bruce Davis: The house is clear. It’s over. Harriet found some mumbo jumbo in that book. Things got quite hairy, but the shared struggle was necessary for character growth.
Bruce Davis: “Happy hour.” What a turn of phrase.
Hatbox Ghost: There are nine hunded and ninety-nine souls that reside here. But there’s always room for one more.
Hatbox Ghost: I hate to be a terrible host and run, but I have a reunion to get to. Don’t worry, you won’t be alone.
Father Kent: Oh, good. And now he’s conjuring up a ghost army.
Father Kent: [to the ghosts] The power of Kent compels you! Ipso facto. Carpe diem. Go, now! Just like I thought. Exorcism went right over your head. You know why? Because you’re too stupid to understand Latin!
Father Kent: Bunch of ignorant ghosts. That’s right, I said it. Morons.
Father Kent: [as the ghosts get angry] I’m going to die.
Ben Matthias: Listen, Travis, I know the pain you feel. I feel it too. But I need you to trust me right now, alright? You come here, you tell me all about your misery. We’ll be miserable together until there’s nothing left.
Hatbox Ghost: [to Ben] I told you, all roads lead to me. And let me make myself clear. Either I haunt this boy and his mummy for all eternity, or you and I make a deal. All you have to be is willing.
Father Kent: [to the ghosts] Enough. That’s it. And look at yourselves. Is this really how you want to spend eternity? Chasing people? Well, you know what? You’re not that scary. You’re really not.
Father Kent: [to the mummified ghost] And, well, you’re pretty terrifying. Can you turn around, just while I finish this rant? Thank you.
Hatbox Ghost: [to Ben] From the moment you stepped foot into this house, I could almost taste your grief. I know what you’ve been longing for.
Madame Leota: [referring to the ghosts] They’ll have to come through me first.
Father Kent: And by “me”, she means “we”!
Ben Matthias: [to Crump] You’re absolutely right. About me. About my grief. These people, they can’t save me from my grief. But they can save me from you.
Harriet: [after they send Crump back to the underworld] Yeah, these ghosts definitely don’t want to leave this house.
Gabbie: They can have it.
Travis: Well, you know, somebody’s going to have to watch after them, right?
Ben Matthias: Boom.
Gabbie: You are looking at the newest addition to New Orleans General.
Ben Matthias: Yes! So, that means you guys are staying, right?
Harriet: I could have told you that last week, honey. Why have a medium as a friend if you don’t ask?
Ben Matthias: Facts.
Ben Matthias: Well, can I come in?
Gabbie: Well, Ben, I should warn you before you step inside, this could change the course of your entire life.
Ben Matthias: Well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Gabbie: Alright, then welcome.
