Starring: Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, LaKeith Stanfield, Tiffany Haddish, Danny DeVito, Chase Dillon, Dan Levy, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jared Leto, Winona Ryder, Hasan Minhaj
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Supernatural horror comedy directed by Justin Simien. Inspired by the Disney theme park attraction, Haunted Mansion (2023) centers on Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), a single mom, and her young son, Travis (Chase Dillon), who looking to start a new life, move into a strangely affordable mansion in New Orleans, only to discover that the place is much more than they bargained for. Desperate for help, they enlist a motley crew of so-called spiritual experts, Kent (Owen Wilson), a priest, Ben (LaKeith Stanfield), a widowed scientist-turned failed-paranormal expert, Harriet (Tiffany Haddish), a French Quarter psychic, and Bruce (Danny DeVito), a crotchety historian.
Where to Watch:
Best Quotes
Madame Leota: Welcome, Foolish Mortals, to New Orleans. A most paranormal place. Where somber funerals end in celebration. Where death is not an ending, but a new beginning. And even grief can be a doorway to joy, if one is willing to walk through it.
Alyssa: [flashback] Sounds like you’re trying to see the unseen.
Ben Matthias: That’s exactly what I’m doing. But you said it in a much better way.
Alyssa: Okay. I kind of do the same thing. I give ghost tours.
Ben Matthias: Oh. So, you don’t do the same thing at all.
Alyssa: Not at all. But it’s kind of like it. I help people see things they can’t always see.
Daytime Bartender: Listen, I hate to pile on top of what I assume is a bad day, but this thing isn’t working.
Ben Matthias: What makes you think I’m having a bad day?
Daytime Bartender: Why am I assuming that you’re having a bad day? Because you smell like yesterday.
Ben Matthias: Okay, Carols, let me impart a little bit of truth on to you. I’ve been in every “haunted house” in the most haunted city in the world. I’ve even been in that building. Seventy-two hours. You want to know what I found? Nothing. Not a thing. Ghosts don’t exist. Life is dirt. We’re all dirt!
Gabbie: [to the movers, over phone] How are you four hours behind? We left at the same time. Yeah. No, I understand a lunch break, but this sounds a little bit more like dinner and a movie.
Travis: This place is haunted!
Gabbie: Alright, now. Hang on. Now, I know this place isn’t as warm as I had hoped. But, you know, I think we get some daylight in here, it’s going to feel better. Hey, I’m going to light a vanilla candle and it’s going to be a game changer.
Travis: Will it though?
Gabbie: [to Travis] Sweetie, I need you to give this place a chance. This is our home now.
Gabbie: [as she sees a ghost] No. We’re out.
Father Kent: I know opportunity usually knocks, but sometimes it just can’t wait. Like right now.
Father Kent: You want to be a hero?
Ben Matthias: Pass.
Father Kent: You ready to have your mind blown?
Ben Matthias: Goodbye.
Father Kent: You’re Ben Matthias. You worked at the Space Center, building telescopes. Before that, you were an astrophysicist at CERN. Now, you’re giving walking tours? That’s like having Michael Jordan play baseball. Let’s put you in the game where you belong. Playing the right position.
Ben Matthias: I am not driving an hour anywhere to…
Father Kent: She’ll pay. Two thousand dollars.
Ben Matthias: What’s the address?
Father Kent: Money talks. Hey, it talks to me too. But, shh! Don’t say anything. The big man upstairs is always watching, and he keeps me on a really short leash.
Ben Matthias: Yeah. Not short enough.
Ben Matthias: I’m not afraid of a couple ghosts.
Gabbie: You say that now. But really, this could change the course of your entire life. Once you come inside, like that’s it. There is no going back.
Ben Matthias: I guess it’s just a risk I’m willing to take.
Ben Matthias: Okay, I’m just doing some final calculations here. Good news. No ghost. I know it can be scary. A big house like this creaks in the night, cold drafts. It happens. But there’s this thing called the power of suggestion.
Gabbie: Yeah, I probably just need to calm down, don’t I?
Ben Matthias: Couldn’t hurt.
Gabbie: These ghosts, and I suspect there might be quite a few. They’re like bed bugs. If you step one foot in here, they just latch on.
'One man's monster is another man's great Halloween costume.' - Father Kent (Haunted Mansion) Share on X
Ben Matthias: You could have told me before you let me just walk out of here.
Gabbie: I would feel worse if you hadn’t taken so much money just to use a dead camera and scribble nonsense.
Ben Matthias: I did do that.
Ben Matthias: You’re in on this as well? You knew about this the whole time? You’re supposed to be a priest!
Father Kent: What do you want me to say? The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
Ben Matthias: No. You are a monster!
Father Kent: Hey, you got paid.
Ben Matthias: Not enough.
Father Kent: I asked you, are you ready to be a hero?
Ben Matthias: And what did I say? I said, “No.”
Father Kent: But your eyes were screaming yes!
Father Kent: Guys, now we can use Ben’s camera and identify every ghost in this crooked mansion, see what we’re up against, make it a fair fight.
Ben Matthias: Why are we talking about fighting ghosts? I mean, we should be figuring out how we got trapped here, and how we get our lives back.
Father Kent: Look, we’re in a fight whether we like it or not.
Father Kent: I feel like sometimes you’re focusing a little on the negative.
Ben Matthias: Yeah. Because we’re never going to go home again.
Father Kent: See, that’s a downer.
Hatchet Ghost: [to Ben] Did I frighten you? Good, you should be frightened.
Father Kent: It’s time to assemble the Dream Team. That’s the nickname I’m giving us.
Ben Matthias: I’m pretty sure that’s taken.
Father Kent: Once we know what we’re dealing with, we’re going to need someone who can talk to these ghosts. A psychic. I did find one within our price range. She’s been doing readings at Bar Mitzvahs, but gets a very solid Yelp score.
Harriet: [as they enter the dining room] People used to eat here.
Father Kent: I told you, she’s good.
Ben Matthias: No, it’s a dining room.
Harriet: I’ve sensed a lot of grief in this house. And grief, unprocessed, will make a spirit stuck.
Father Kent: Okay, well, can you help us unstick them then?
Harriet: I can do it. But I would need a week, paid, where I can recharge my crystals
and begin doing my research. And then, we can get to it. I’ll send you a invoice from PayPal in the meantime.
'God, give us a break. We don't want to be haunted. And it just seems like there's so many bad people in the world. Haunt them.' - Father Kent (Haunted Mansion) Share on X
Harriet: You didn’t tell me that these ghosts be following people! I know your mama
gots to be disappointed in you. I know she disappointed in you, because I’m pretty sure she taught you better than this! I knew this was weird. All these freaky, different looking people living in the same place.
Harriet: What you have done is deeply wrong and absolutely unforgivable. The ghost that followed me home was on a horse. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a ghost horse charging through your bedroom? Now, I’ve decided to be the bigger person and help you. Mostly because you have left me no other options.
Father Kent: Am I proud of the fact that Ben attacked an elderly educator? Of course not. That being said, totally worth it.
Father Kent: Maybe I’ll just do a little blessing, a prayer to get us started on the right foot. God, give us a break. We don’t want to be haunted. And it just seems like there’s so many bad people in the world. Haunt them. How about an “amen” at the count of three? One, two, three. Amen!
Harriet: Amen.
Travis: [referring to Kent, to Gabbie] Are you sure he’s a priest?
Harriet: Now, if I can communicate with William Gracey, I suspect he will have the answers that we need. And just to confirm, the only thing available to us is this French Vanilla Yankee Candle?
Gabbie: Yeah. I keep forgetting to cancel my subscription to Amazon, so.
Harriet: Why are you here? Why are you hanging on? If you have a message that you’d like to leave us, or a greeting of sorts, here’s a pen and pad that I purchased from CVS.
Father Kent: First he’s trapping us here, now he’s dragging us out. Enough! Make up your mind.
Gabbie: Is there anyone that we need to contact to let them know that you’re here so they don’t worry?
Bruce Davis: Well, there is a woman. I make her take my trash down for me.
Gabbie: Yeah, I bet she’ll be okay.
Harriet: I know this might sound silly, but I believe that souls can send signs from the Region Beyond. My father passed away, and he loved model trains. He would take them apart and put them back together again every day. But on those days when I get really low, I mean really low, I will randomly hear a train off in the distance. And I know that’s my dad saying “Hi”. Those moments are called ghost winks.
Father Kent: I’m going to cover us with some morning prayers.
Gabbie: It’s the middle of the night!
Father Kent: Not in Rome.
Bruce Davis: Is it cold? It’s starting to feel colder.
Harriet: Well, you don’t have any pants on, Bruce.
