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Starring: Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, LaKeith Stanfield, Tiffany Haddish, Danny DeVito, Chase Dillon, Dan Levy, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jared Leto, Winona Ryder, Hasan Minhaj
Story:
Supernatural horror comedy directed by Justin Simien. Inspired by the Disney theme park attraction, Haunted Mansion (2023) centers on Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), a single mom, and her young son, Travis (Chase Dillon), who looking to start a new life, move into a strangely affordable mansion in New Orleans, only to discover that the place is much more than they bargained for. Desperate for help, they enlist a motley crew of so-called spiritual experts, Kent (Owen Wilson), a priest, Ben (LaKeith Stanfield), a widowed scientist-turned failed-paranormal expert, Harriet (Tiffany Haddish), a French Quarter psychic, and Bruce (Danny DeVito), a crotchety historian.
We’ll add the best quotes once the movie is released and we’ve had a chance to watch it, but for now, here’s a small selection.
Quotes:
Gabbie: Welcome home! I know this place isn’t as warm as I’d hoped. But I’m going to light a vanilla candle, and it’s going to be a game changer.
Travis: Will it though?
Gabbie: [as they see a ghost] We’re out.
Travis: This place is haunted!
Gabbie: When my son and I moved in here, it wasn’t as warm as we hoped. And after midnight, the house comes alive.
Gabbie: We need your help.
Kent: [referring to Gabbie] This mansion is unhinged. She needs all the help she can get. You want to be a hero?
Ben: Pass.
Kent: Two thousand dollars.
Ben: What’s the address?
Kent: It’s time to assemble the dream team. We find someone who can communicate with these ghosts.
Bruce: I’ve been dying to go to this place for years!
Gabbie: Wait! I should warn you before you step inside the house, this could change the course of your entire life.
Ben: I’m not afraid of a couple ghosts.
Gabbie: You say that now.
Harriet: [as they enter the dining room] People used to eat here.
Kent: I told you, she’s good.
Ben: No, it’s a dining room.
Ben: [as he’s walking through the mansion] Guys? Little help?
Gabbie: This house has a way of playing tricks on you.
Gabbie: The hauntings just keep getting worse and worse.
Gabbie: These ghosts…
Travis: They’re running from something.
Gabbie: Oh, my God.
Ben: Is anybody else seeing this?
Travis: Yeah, I’m seeing it.
Kent: You ready to have your mind blown?
Ben: Mind blown. Okay. Let’s go!
Kent: That get your attention? Because it sure caught mine.
Gabbie: What is this place?
Harriet: It’s a seance room.
Kent: [to the ghosts] You’re not that scary. You’re really not.
Kent: [to the mummified ghost] But you’re pretty terrifying. Can you turn around just while I finish this? Thank you.
Kent: Harriet is coming for you. Oh, yeah. That’s got some mojo to it. A little dragon’s blood, or yerba santa. What are we talking about?
Harriet: Sage from Costco. When I leave my body to look at this dark spirit, I don’t want anyone else jumping in. not that I think it will get to that. I’ve done it a thousand times.
Bruce: You say it like that, makes me feel like you’ve never done it.
Harriet: Yes, I have. I’ve probably done it like ten thousand times.
Bruce: Why elevate it to that level? Then I don’t believe it at all. How am I going to get into this?
Harriet: Believe it. Believe it.
Harriet: Now, if I’m gone for more than ten minutes, ring this bell. If I get lost, it’ll help me find my way back. See I have to be very raw in order to go to the other side. This is a picture of my dog that tragically moved to live on a farm. Actually, he got hit by a car. Burst like a water balloon.
Gabbie: Sis!
Travis: Wait. What?
Kent: Maybe I’ll just do a little blessing or a prayer to get us started on the right foot. God, give us a break. We don’t want to be haunted. It just seems like there’s so many bad people in the world, haunt them. How about an “amen” at the count of three? One, two, three. Amen.
Harriet: Amen.
Travis: [referring to Kent, to Gabbie] Are you sure he’s a priest?
Harriet: Now, if I can communicate with William Gracie, I suspect he will have the answers that we need. And just to confirm, the only thing available to us is this French vanilla Yankee Candle?
Gabbie: Yeah. I keep forgetting to cancel my subscription to Amazon, so.
Harriet: Please, hold hands. Now, I will quiet my mind, so that I can communicate with the other side. Please do not interrupt me. Otherwise, I have to start all over again.
Harriet: I summon Madame Leota!
Madame Leota: I can show you, but it will cost you three dollars.
Bruce: What? That’s highway robbery.
Madame Leota: Who said that?
Madame Leota: Well, it’s about time.
Bruce: I’ve been around paranormal events for a very long time. This place is legendary! Historians believe the previous owner still lurks around every corner.
Bruce: Things are about to get weird.
Bruce: If we don’t solve this mystery, we’re stuck here for eternity.
Bruce: Be careful. Death lurks around every corner.
Harriet: A dark spirit has cursed this house.
Harriet: These ghosts definitely don’t want to leave.
Kent: We’re the dream team, that’s the nickname.
Ben: I’m pretty sure that’s taken.
Harriet: Other more powerful entities may come through.
Kent: Not on our watch.
Ben: Well, what are you going to do?
Ben: [as Kent pulls out his ax] Seriously?
Kent: Yeah.
Harriet: They’re already dead.
Kent: They’re going to be deader.
Gabbie: Okay.
Kent: A ghost who haunts other ghosts? That’s not fair!
Kent: God, give us a break. There’s so many bad people in the world, haunt them.
Harriet: Amen.
Gracey: His power is beyond control.
Ben: You alright? You good?
Travis: No! This is a tunnel of terrors!
Hatbox Ghost: Were you looking for me?
Hatbox Ghost: I do like surprises. I hope you do too!
Ben: Is anybody else seeing this?
Hatbox Ghost: I hope you like surprises. You’re going to be here for quite a while.
Ben: If we don’t stop him, we could be trapped here forever.
Bruce: Did he look human?
Ben: Sort of. He carried his head in a hat box.
Kent: What part of that is “sort of”?
Bruce: My friend was mugged.
Ben: He was tall. He had hair that was sticking out of a top hat.
Sketch Artist: Top hat?
Ben: Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Sketch Artist: So, like a top hat?
Ben: You would pull a rabbit out of it, probably.
Sketch Artist: What about his eyes?
Ben: They were sunken into his ocular cavity. Sunken if you will.
Bruce: Deep eyes. Deep sunken eyes. Beady eyes.
Ben: Like a raccoon. They were set back. And he was smiling, like… Yeah, like that.
Bruce: This kind of thing.
Ben: Exactly.
Sketch Artist: What about his nose?
Ben: No nose.
Bruce: No nose.
Sketch Artist: Why would he have a nose?
Sketch Artist: [shows his sketch of Hatbox Ghost] Is this the man who mugged you?
Ben: Wow! You just did that, just now? This is amazing.
Bruce: You know what would be fun? See him with skin.
Kent: We’re in a fight, whether we like it or not.
Bruce: Or else we’re stuck here for eternity.
Nurse: Make sure he gets lots of rest.
Bruce: I don’t like the chair!
Kent: If this comes down to an exorcism, we’re in big trouble.
Kent: Oh good. Now he’s conjuring up a ghost army.
Kent: Boo! You’re going to scare us? No, we’re going to scare you. Boo!
Hatbox Ghost: This house is dripping with souls. But there’s always room for one more.
Vic: You’re all in for a treat.
Trailer: