Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard Best Quotes

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, Antonio Banderas, Morgan Freeman, Frank Grillo, Richard E. Grant, Caroline Goodall, Rebecca Front, Gabriella Wright, Alice McMillan, Kristofer Kamiyasu, Tom Hopper, Blake Ritson

OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆

Story:

Action comedy sequel directed by Patrick Hughes. Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021) follows bodyguard Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) and hitman Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson) as they continue their odd couple friendship. Still unlicensed and under scrutiny, Bryce is forced into action by Darius’s volatile wife, the infamous international con artist Sonia Kincaid (Salma Hayek). As Bryce is driven over the edge by his two most dangerous protectees, the trio get in over their heads in a global plot and soon find that they are all that stand between Europe and a vengeful and powerful madman (Antonio Banderas).

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Our Favorite Quote:

'When you lose everything, you got nothing left to lose.' - Michael Bryce (Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard) Click To Tweet

Best Quotes

Therapist: And how often do you have this dream?
Michael Bryce: Just once.
Therapist: Oh. Well, that’s not too…
Michael Bryce: A night.
Therapist: Right.
Michael Bryce: Mostly when I’m asleep.

Therapist: Darius Kincaid, is he a relative of yours?
Michael Bryce: God, no! He’s a hitman, wanted for like a gazillion murders around the world. Even took a bullet for him. Bodyguarding committee, they wouldn’t recognize it. Apparently they don’t take kindly to protecting sociopaths.

Therapist: To deal with the future, we sometimes have to deal with the past. Quite often validation issues stem from a disapproving father.
Michael Bryce: I don’t have validation issues. I have a licensing issue. I am bodyguard without a license. That’s like being a belly dancer without a torso.

Therapist: I’m thinking, you need to forget bodyguarding for a while. And find happiness within.
Michael Bryce: Within what?
Therapist: Within yourself. Happiness in who you are.

Therapist: Well, first things first. I think all the guns and violence are weighing on your soul. So you need to get away, and clear your mind, and then, you can find your future self.
Michael Bryce: Wait, like a cool futuristic bodyguard with super powers?
Therapist: No. Will you stop? Stop thinking about bodyguarding.

Michael Bryce: No Tuscany. Anything but Tuscany.
Therapist: Okay. Capri then?
Michael Bryce: Capri? Like the pants?

Therapist: [to Bryce] Just you and your future self finding happiness within, the only two people that you need to be protecting right now.

Michael Bryce: [voice mail] Hello, you’ve reached Michael Bryce. Please leave a message, and have a triple A day.
Michael Bryce: [leaving himself a message] Hey there, future Michael. It’s today Michael. I’m not great at first impressions, I just want to say that I think you’d be proud to know that I graduated therapy. I’m officially on sabbatical, and to be honest I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. It’s only been twelve hours, but already the world feels more abundant. As if somehow, it’s been waiting for me to make this change.

Sonia Kincaid: The Mafia took my husband. We have to go get him.
Michael Bryce: No, no, no. I’m not getting involved in this. I’m under strict psychological orders.

Michael Bryce: Hold on a second. Finally Darius isn’t haunting my dreams.
Sonia Kincaid: [she slaps Bryce] If you don’t help me, I am going to put my strapon, and I’m going to f*** your dreams until they wish they were your nightmares.

Sonia Kincaid: We’re trying to have a baby!
Michael Bryce: May God have mercy on our souls.

Sonia Kincaid: We have f***ed so hard, and so tenderly. And in so many different places, positions, and I just haven’t gotten pregnant. You know what I think the problem is?
Michael Bryce: Biology.

Sonia Kincaid: I’m going to be such a good mother.
Michael Bryce: I can’t imagine anyone gooder.

Michael Bryce: [to the weapon dealer] Do you have pepper spray? I’m on sabbatical.

Bobby O’Neill: Listen, I have been in Europe for a month, okay? And the only thing you people do is watch f***ing soccer. Not one bar carries Sam Adams. So the least you could do is let me do what we do in Boston, okay? You work with the bad guys to get the worse guys.

Bobby O’Neill: What do they call you?
Ailso: Ailso.
Bobby O’Neill: A** hole?
Ailso: Ailso. Traditional Scottish name.
Bobby O’Neill: Alright, William Wallace, warm up the chop. We’re going to Italy.

Michael Bryce: He asked for me. He needs me. So we’re going to do this my way. That means, no killing, no guns, and no blood. Boring, is always best. Understood?
[turns around to see Sonia gone]
Michael Bryce: Of course not. What?

Michael Bryce: What have you done?
Sonia Kincaid: These f***ers got a little bit too fresh.
Michael Bryce: I specifically said, no killing, no blood, and no guns.
Sonia Kincaid: I am not on sabbatical.

Darius Kincaid: Hang on. What is he doing here?
Michael Bryce: I believe it’s pronounced “thank you”.
Darius Kincaid: For what?
Michael Bryce: For saving your life, again, and again, and again.
Darius Kincaid: I never asked you to save s**t!

Darius Kincaid: Baby! What in the absolute f*** is Michael Bryce doing here?
Sonia Kincaid: You said, “Baby, get me Michael Bryce!”
Darius Kincaid: What?! No! No, no, no, no, no! I said, “Baby I need help. Get anyone but Michael Bryce!”
Sonia Kincaid: What?

Darius Kincaid: [quietly to Sonia] He is the most annoying m**herf***er on planet earth.
Michael Bryce: Excuse me! I have twenty-twenty hearing. I can hear you. The dead guys can hear you! And what do you mean I’m the most annoying m**herf***er on planet earth? How many times have you nearly got me killed?
Darius Kincaid: Not enough! Come on, baby. Let’s get out of here before he starts the in-flight safety demonstration.

Darius Kincaid: Are you using pepper spray?
Michael Bryce: I’m on sabbatical. And trying to find my spiritual me awake.
[Kincaid laughs]

Michael Bryce: I didn’t have to be here, you know! I had fresh cucumbers on my eyes. I had a linen rope with an insanely high thread count, it was like sleeping in the cloud!
Darius Kincaid: Namaste m**herf***er.

Bobby O’Neill: The hitman, the bodyguard, and the con woman.

Michael Bryce: Listen. First off, I’m happy to postpone my sabbatical, if it’s going to keep me out of jail. But I think, you know, you should really reconsider working with these guys. Because they are, you know, f***ing crazy.

Bobby O’Neill: Do not f*** this up.
Michael Bryce: Oh, we are definitely going to f*** this up. I mean, look at the two people you are saddling me with.
Bobby O’Neill: Get your a**es to Portofino.
Michael Bryce: Zero chance of making it out of this room. You may as well hire a brain damaged kidney.

Sonia Kincaid: I understand some people get cold feet on their wedding day. But I would have never thought that you’d get cold d**k on our honeymoon night.

Michael Bryce: Now is a good time to talk about seat belt rule.
Darius Kincaid: Perhaps now is a good time to talk about the “shut the f*** up” rule.
Michael Bryce: I’m just saying it because she’s driving like a crash test dummy.
Darius Kincaid: Do not criticize my wife’s driving, m**herf***er!

Michael Bryce: You lied to her back there. You weren’t on a job.
Darius Kincaid: And how would you know that?
Michael Bryce: Because, there’s like twenty-two body indications when somebody lies, and you exhibited forty.

See more Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard Quotes

Michael Bryce: Honesty is the best policy.
Darius Kincaid: I don’t take relationship advice from single m**herf***ers.

Michael Bryce: [leaving himself a message] Hello, Mr Muron, well, we’re way off course. Can’t even see the course anymore. Or hear it, for that matter. My ears are still ringing from ferocious sexual intercourse leading to a rolling quadruple climax. Anyway, I’m venting. And I don’t want to vent to you. So, I’ll catch up with you later.

Sonia Kincaid: Who were you talking to?
Michael Bryce: That’s a secret.
Sonia Kincaid: I know your secret.
Michael Bryce: You do?
Sonia Kincaid: You are so lonely that you were talking to yourself.

Sonia Kincaid: Listen, Bryce, you really hurt my feelings. Do you really think I am crazy?
Michael Bryce: No. I think you are unusually aggressive. Violent, but in an unpredictable way.
Sonia Kincaid: I would make a great mother. Don’t you think I would make a great mother?
Michael Bryce: I think you will. Yes. Oh, my God. A child would be so lucky to have you as its host.
Sonia Kincaid: Thank you, Bryce. Thank you. It must be your powerful asexuality that makes you such a good listener.

Bobby O’Neill: Last time I saw something like this Bruce Wills was drilling a hole in an asteroid.

Michael Bryce: Let’s get into character. I’m the bodyguard. Now, let’s hear the British accent of Carlo’s mistress.
Sonia Kincaid: My British accent is perfect, you f***ing c***.
Michael Bryce: Okay, let’s skip the British accent, and go straight to being brutally executed.

Vladimir: Carlo always has preferred younger women.
Sonia Kincaid: Excuse me?
Vladimir: I’ve seen him with a woman in her thirties. But never this old.

Sonia Kincaid: You better say something nice about my Bryce.
Darius Kincaid: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we will never forget the time you spent with us.
Sonia Kincaid: That was beautiful. You should have been a priest.

Michael Bryce: What in the absolute f*** is wrong with you people?
Sonia Kincaid: We gave you a sea burial.
Michael Bryce: A sea burial?
Sonia Kincaid: Well, you didn’t have a heartbeat.
Michael Bryce: I’m wearing Kevlar!

Darius Kincaid: They give you m**herf***ers awards?
Michael Bryce: Yes, they give us awards. And we have conventions and everything.
Darius Kincaid: Ain’t no award for hitman.
Michael Bryce: It’s called lethal injection.

Darius Kincaid: Steve McQueen ain’t got s**t on you.
Michael Bryce: I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said anything nice to me.

Sonia Kincaid: Oh, no! Not the stairs, m**herf***er! I’m not wearing a sports bra!

Sonia Kincaid: [singing lullaby to an unconscious Bryce] You’re asleep, little Bryce. Can you please wake the f*** up. In your slumber, think of Sonia, and the bomb that’s on her wrist.

Michael Bryce: Don’t you come anywhere near me! I’ve had it with you two. I’m sorry to say this, Sonia, but you are crazy.
Darius Kincaid: Hey! You can’t talk to my wife that way.
Michael Bryce: Why not? She’d make a terrible mother. I wouldn’t leave a Chucky doll in her care.

Darius Kincaid: You need to apologize to Sonia right now.
Michael Bryce: What? Are you going to shoot me now? Father of the year right here. Can’t wait!

Michael Bryce: I took a bullet for him. I took a bullet for her. Yeah. Well, Bryce is just everybody’s favorite little bullet caddy.

Michael Bryce: Give me a sign. Any sign. Please.
[turns to see the sign “TUSCANY 8 km”]
Michael Bryce: Okay. That is a sign, just not the one I’m looking for.

Darius Kincaid: When the f*** were you going to tell me your dad was black?
Michael Bryce: Step-dad. And I fail to see how that’s relevant. Why don’t you start seeing with your heart instead of your hate?
Darius Kincaid: Relevant, heart, hate? What the f*** are you talking about?
Michael Bryce: You know exactly what I’m f***ing talking about.

Senior: Nothing like taking a bullet to make you feel like a man.
Darius Kincaid: Yeah. Taken twenty myself.

Sonia Kincaid: Bryce took a bullet for my husband at the Hague. He was very brave.
Michael Bryce: Check it out. Right there.
Senior: Christ. That look like a freckle.
Sonia Kincaid: He also took a shotgun blast for me, last night.
Michael Bryce: Actually, well, I was wearing Kevlar.
Senior: Kevlar? Real triple A’s never wear a Kevlar.

Senior: Of course, knowing Bryce, and his trusty pen, I feel half the danger is all taken care of before it even gets to that.
Michael Bryce: You laugh, but countless heads of state have been taken out by the pen knife. No one sees is coming.

Senior: To this day I have no idea why a full-figured two hundred and ninety pound Italian man wanted to ride the paratrooper. Truth is I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid.

Sonia Kincaid: When you saved me, you very gently cupped your hands, and pushed me by the boobs to save me from the bullet.
Michael Bryce: There was not a lot of alternative real estate there. I didn’t have much of a choice.
Sonia Kincaid: And I could hear the little boy inside of you screaming, “Mommy, please don’t die! I need you!”
Michael Bryce: I don’t think that’s what I was screaming. I don’t sound like that, at all.

Aristotle Papadopolous: Have these two brought to Lucas and Francesco in my torture chambers.
Darius Kincaid: Torture chambers?
Michael Bryce: Did he say cha-cha chambers?
Darius Kincaid: No, m**herf***er, he did not.

Aristotle Papadopolous: Perhaps one day you’ll learn that great men don’t need to strip to vulgarity to express themselves.
Darius Kincaid: Oh, I know how to express myself, m**herf***er. Believe me. I have not begun to express myself.

Michael Bryce: Can we have separate torture chambers?

Michael Bryce: [referring to Sonia] Have you ever thought that maybe she’s conning you?
Darius Kincaid: What?
Michael Bryce: I’m just saying, she’s a con woman. That’s what con women do. Con person? Person? I don’t know how you say that.

Michael Bryce: [referring to Kincaid] You can go all day with that. You can electrocute him all day, it’ll only make him angrier. I, on the other hand will tell you everything. I’ll tell you everything, if you just keep that away.
Darius Kincaid: What? Really?

Darius Kincaid: Remind me never to tell you s**t.
Michael Bryce: Well, we’re free, aren’t we?

Sonia Kincaid: You went to a fertility clinic to buy fresh eggs because you think mine are rotten.
Darius Kincaid: Baby, you can’t buy eggs at a fertility clinic like in a grocery store.

Darius Kincaid: I’m a hitman shooting blanks.
Michael Bryce: Wait, what? Hold on. Wait, what?
Darius Kincaid: I got shot in the nuts on a job, and I never told Sonia about it.
Michael Bryce: You don’t have testicles?
Darius Kincaid: No. I mean, yes! Yes, I have testicles. The right one, Kool & The Gang. The left one, a little gazy. So my swimmers are not strong enough to get across the finnish line. So I can’t give Sonia what she wants most in the world.

Michael Bryce: I told you, just be honest with her. None of this would’ve happened if you were just honest with her.
Darius Kincaid: That s**t always leads to an a** whipping, or a jail sentence.

Senior: You are the dumbest m**herf***er I have ever met.
Michael Bryce: Wow. That’s…
Senior: I handle Aristotle’s security detail while he’s in Italy, you moron.
Michael Bryce: You work for the bad guys?
Senior: A triple A puts his clients ahead of God, family, and certainly a penny waste such as yourself.

Senior: [to Bryce] Now get off my trash. You’re a stain on my legacy.

Darius Kincaid: Out of all the gin joints in all the world you walked into mine.
Michael Bryce: My dad screwed us. He’s Aristotle’s head of security. Also, he really hates me. I owe you an apology, Kincaid. Now your thing really is better than my thing.

Michael Bryce: No more Mr. Nice Bryce, alright? I want to be a bad-a**. You know, I want to be loose. Hey, we should do some coke.
Darius Kincaid: M**herf***er, you would OD on a baby aspirin and a diet soda.

Darius Kincaid: We can adopt.
Sonia Kincaid: Yes, baby! You will be the best father, baby. I mean look how good you’ve been for Bryce, this dysfunctional abandoned poor child. His father obviously hates him. I mean, he doesn’t have any friends. And you, you have been nothing but a ray of sunlight.

Aristotle Papadopolous: [to Sonia] Amnesia? Really? Do you think I haven’t seen the film Overboard? Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn. A minor classic.

Sonia Kincaid: No one in this world can kill Darius Kincaid. That m**herf***er is unkillable.

Michael Bryce: The future Mike. It’s me.
Darius Kincaid: F***, are your seriously making a phone call right now?
Michael Bryce: I feel like my spiritual journey is almost complete. But now I realize, safety is for losers. The old Bryce, he is long gone. And I’m driving without a seat-belt now. A crazy thing happened to me. When you lose everything, you got nothing left to lose.

Michael Bryce: You know, it’s like Tim McGraw always says.
Darius Kincaid: Tim Mcf***ing who?
Michael Bryce: You got to live like you were dying.
Darius Kincaid: That is the lamest s**t I have ever heard in my life.

Darius Kincaid: Whatever the f*** this future Michael s**t is, it’s got to go. You are future Michael, m**herf***er.

Darius Kincaid: Jesus, Bryce. Look, I get it. You are a f*** up, okay? You got some f***ing issues. But you can’t allow a m**herf***er you share not a one drop of DNA with to define you.

Michael Bryce: I’m the one who shot you in the nuts, and you never thought to tell me that? That’s a W for me. That’s a big L for you.
Darius Kincaid: It was a ricochet.
Michael Bryce: Ricochet my a**, m**herf***er.
Darius Kincaid: Ricochets don’t count, unless you call them, m**herf***er!
Michael Bryce: It’s an L for you. Take the L! Take the L!

Darius Kincaid: Now repeat after me. “I’m unlicensed, and I don’t give a f***.”
Michael Bryce: I’m unlicensed. And that’s terrible
[Kincaid hits him in the face]

Michael Bryce: [yells] I’m unlicensed and I don’t give a f***!
Darius Kincaid: Now let’s go do what we do, and f*** some s**t up.

Michael Bryce: Don’t be the government agent in the documentary who has all the info on the bad guy then lets them go anyway. Don’t be that guy.
Darius Kincaid: [referring to the Interpol agent] Woman.
Michael Bryce: I think that’s implied.

Michael Bryce: We need boats. And we need guns.
Darius Kincaid: That’s my m**f***ing bodyguard!
Michael Bryce: And we need them.
[points to the two Interpol agents]

Michael Bryce: [to the Interpol agents] Are you ready to get your f*** on?
Darius Kincaid: What?
Michael Bryce: That came out wrong. Not together. With us. That also came out wrong. You’re going to get your f*** on in an action context.

Darius Kincaid: How the f*** can they even think that’s us? Those m**herf***ers didn’t hit nobody.
Michael Bryce: Well, it’s called a decoy, Darius. Bodyguarding 101. My dad’s got three levels of security. That was the first.
Darius Kincaid: Boring.
Michael Bryce: Oh, boring is always best.

Aristotle Papadopolous: Say hello to my little philos.

Michael Bryce: He’s my friend. He’s my best friend. We’re BFF. It’s best friends forever.

Michael Bryce: Are you wearing Kevlar?
Senior: Of course I’m wearing Kevlar. I’m a ninety year-old man, Bryce.
Michael Bryce: What were all the stories about then? Jesus!
Senior: That was just to boost book sales.

Sonia Kincaid: Her last words were that she had something in common with her husband. We are both f***ing unkillable.

Aristotle Papadopolous: M**herf***er!
Darius Kincaid: That’s right, papa d**k-less. You got to earn the right to call us m**herf***ers.

Sonia Kincaid: You just signed the adoption papers.
Darius Kincaid: The what?
Michael Bryce: The adoption papers.
Sonia Kincaid: You are now our son.
Michael Bryce: Wait.
Darius, Michael: What the f***?!

Bobby O’Neill: [mid-credits lines] Turns out it’s going to take more time to get your a**es unrednoticed. So I need you on that yacht for at least another month. You know what, maybe two. Anyway, enjoy your sabbatical. And say “hi” to your mom and dad. But, don’t call me! Ever! Like never, ever!

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