Starring: Emma Roberts, Luke Bracey, Jake Manley, Jessica Capshaw, Andrew Bachelor, Frances Fisher, Manish Dayal, Kristin Chenoweth
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Netflix’s romantic comedy directed by John Whitesell. The story follows Sloane and Jackson (Emma Roberts and Luke Bracey), who their enduring singledom leaves them subject to the judgment of their meddling family members or stuck with clingy, awkward dates on each festive occasion. When the two meet, they pledge to be each other’s platonic plus-ones for each holiday celebration over the course of the year, only to catch real feelings along the way.
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Our Favorite Quote:'Human beings aren't meant to be alone on the holidays. We actually need warmth, companionship.' - Jackson (Holidate) Click To Tweet
Sloane: House looks beautiful.
Elaine: Well, your Aunt Susan brought at-the-mall-Santa home. And your nephew just pooped in the manger.
Abby: It was a tiny poop, and he moved the baby Jesus first.
Abby: Rodney said you didn’t call him.
Sloane: I’m sorry, but I cannot date a professional clown. I’d never sleep.
Elaine: Well, how does she expect to meet anybody when she sits around the house all day wearing pajamas?
Sloane: It’s called working remote, mother. My boss doesn’t care what I wear as long, as I meet my quota. He does, however, request that my mother stop FaceTiming me during business hours.
Elaine: Well, I know the holidays can be stressful, but no man wants to marry a smoker, who lies.
Sloane: Well, no man wants a b**chy mother-in-law. So I guess that’s three strikes.
Daisy: Aunt Sloane, why didn’t you call Rodney?
Sloane: Why didn’t you call Rodney?
Daisy: Because I already have a boyfriend. His name is Levi, and he shares his juice box with me every day at recess.
Sloane: Well, good for you, Daisy. You enjoy it while you can, because one day you are going to walk outside, and you’re going to catch Levi sharing his juice box with a Starbucks barista named Rainbow. Yeah, it’s not a good day, Daisy. It hurts. It hardens you. And the next thing you know, you’re just south of thirty, sitting at the kids table, numbing the pain with a vodka.
[as they’re waiting in line to return their Christmas presents]
Sloane: Crocodile Dundee, some of us have jobs.
Jackson: Dundee. Original. Hang on. What makes you think I don’t have a job?
Sloane: You’re at the mall, on a Wednesday, returning slacker pants.
Jackson: These happen to be khakis. Lots of employed people wear khaki pants.
Sloane: Hopefully, you mean khakis. And still don’t care.
Sloane: Hi, there. I just have a quick return.
C&B Girl: Receipt?
Sloane: They didn’t come with a receipt. Just the assumption that I would be alone forever, and, apparently, gorge myself into the size of a lumberjack.
Jackson: Nailed it.
Sloane: You know what? My Christmas already sucked. So you can go “nail it” somewhere else.
Jackson: Hey, if it’s any consolation, I spent my holiday in an ugly Christmas sweater, sipping mocktails with a room full of people who I think were in a cult.
Sloane: I’ll see your ugly Christmas sweater, and raise you a seat at the kids table, my little brother getting engaged, and catching my aunt getting her cookie licked by a mall Santa.
Jackson: That’s a festive visual.
Sloane: Seared into my brain like a bad tattoo.
Jackson: [referring to pretzels] I don’t eat that crap. Do you know what that does to your body?
Sloane: Yeah. It fills me with warm, delicious happiness. Like Christmas used to, before I realized Santa was a big scam.
Jackson: Yeah. Christmas peaked for me at about ten. I got a surfboard and my first complete set of golf clubs. It was good.
Sloane: My best Christmas was a Barbie Dream House, preassembled, and a ventriloquist puppet named Lester. He looked like Jaleel White.
Jackson: Wait. What’s a holidate?
Sloane: [referring to Susan] Just some guy she picked up at the mall to spend Christmas with.
Jackson: Wait, just Christmas, or all holidays?
Sloane: Easter, New Year’s. She’s an equal opportunity holi-dater.
Jackson: That’s what I need for New Year’s Eve. I need a holidate.
Jackson: Seriously, I am done casually dating on the holidays. There’s way too much pressure. It’s ridiculous. I always end up being the a**hole at the end of the day anyway.
Sloane: Yeah? Well, try being the only single person left in your family. It’s like every time I walk into a room, I’m showered in a sea of pity and sad glances. I mean, why is everyone so suspicious of a happy, single woman?
Jackson: Because you’re obviously not happy.
Jackson: Human beings aren’t meant to be alone on the holidays. We actually need warmth, companionship, and someone to drunk-mock strangers with at parties.
Sloane: I do enjoy drunk-mocking strangers at parties.
Jackson: Well, then, this is perfect! We can be each other’s holidate for New Year’s Eve.
Sloane: I don’t even know you, so.
Jackson: Yeah, well, that’s what makes it perfect. Because there’s no pressure. There’s no expectations. I mean, I don’t even think I find you that attractive.
Sloane: Wow! Calm down with the flattery.
Jackson: Not that you’re not attractive. It’s just that maybe you’re not that attractive to me.
Jackson: Okay, wait a second. You just said that you’re tired of all the sad glances and looking pathetic.
Sloane: I said, “Pity”, not “pathetic”.
Jackson: Okay, tomato, tomato.
Jackson: I just want to go. I want to relax, have a few drinks. Not worry about my date going bats**t if I don’t drop a knee at midnight.
Sloane: What makes you sure I’m not bats**t?
Jackson: You had me at Lester.
Sloane: Mom, I’m working!
Elaine: That’s what you wear to work? You could at least put on a nice top.
Elaine: She’s much prettier with makeup.
Sloane: I’m wearing makeup!
Jackson: Know what the problem is with girls, mate?
Neil: They got like these crazy eyes, right?
Jackson: They’re real, and I don’t need a real girl. I need a holidate.
Neil: You said a what-a-date? What’s “holidate”? Is that a new app that I need to download? I cannot keep up.
[at the New Year’s Eve party]
Jackson: By the way, your tits look exceptional in that dress.
Sloane: Thanks. That’s why I bought it.
Jackson: Love the way it hugs your a** too.
Sloane: That’s really sweet of you to notice.
Jackson: This is great. I love it. I just can say whatever I want, because I don’t care
if you think I’m a classy guy or not.
Sloane: And I can wear a slutty dress and not worry about being slut-shamed.
Jackson: What a holidate bonus.
Sloane: There’s just no way in hell her character would ever do that.
Jackson: Who cares? It was funny.
Sloane: Uh-uh. It was cockamamie.
Jackson: I’m sorry, no one uses that word anymore.
Sloane: Well, it’s the only word I know that accurately describes every romantic comedy in history.
[describing romantic comedies]
Sloane: There’s always some fake reason the stars can’t be together, when you know they’re going to be together from the poster. It’s like, “Oh, boo-hoo. I’m so heartbroken. Even though you’re perfect for me. I’m taking a break from dating.” I mean, no one is ever taking a break from dating! And let me tell you, if Ryan Gosling waltzed in here, picked me up, and floated me around to the theme of Dirty Dancing, I’m not going to be like, “Oh, hey, Ryan, buddy, bad timing. I’m taking a break from dating.” I am jumping on that train. The Ryan Gosling train.
Jackson: I’d jump on the Ryan Gosling train.
[referring to Sloane’s ex-boyfriend]
Jackson: So what happened?
Sloane: Nothing much. We just wanted different things. I wanted someone to take home for the holidays, and he wanted to text photos of his c**k to the girl that made his double macchiato, so.
Sloane: Well, it was my fault. He was too hot to be trustworthy. “Always date down.”
That’s what my sister says. I didn’t listen.
[to Sloane as The Time of My Life starts playing at the club]
Jackson: Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
[after Jackson drops her during the Dirty Dancing lift]
Sloane: Nobody drops Baby on her head.
Liz: What do you mean, you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Sloane: Don’t say it like I just told you I have cancer.
Liz: But it’s Valentine’s Day.
Sloane: No, it’s Thursday. And I’m going to take a long, hot bath, pop a bottle of pinot, treat myself to a few pounds of chocolate, and who knows, might even watch a little p**n.
Liz: You can’t watch p**n on Valentine’s Day!
Sloane: You should especially watch p**n on Valentine’s Day.
Sloane: Look, I’m perfectly happy being single. I get to do what I want, when I want, and I don’t have to deal with the stress of shaving, and plucking, and waxing.
Abby: Best thing about marriage, no more waxing.
Liz: Okay. Well, what about the wedding? You can’t be alone at the wedding.
Sloane: The wedding’s in eight months.
Liz: And you’re already letting yourself go.
Sloane: You know, everyone needs to mind their own business. Okay? My romantic status and personal hygiene are completely under control. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an obscene amount of candy to buy.
[after Sloane runs into her ex, Luc and his new girlfriend]
Luc: We were lovers for a few months.
Felicity: Oh, lucky you. Isn’t he amazing in bed? He’s like the Terminator, only I’m the one who never stops coming.
Jackson: You know, the human body is capable of living to about a hundred and twenty years if you take care of it.
Sloane: Who cares? It’s all downhill after forty. Who wants an extra eighty years of the worst part of your life?
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