Best Holidate Movie Quotes on Netflix

Sloane: Why does the next girlfriend always have to be younger and hotter? Is it like some kind of unwritten law?
Jackson: Well, you know, normally, the younger and hotter the girl, the less chance of commitment. So in a way, it’s actually a compliment.

Jackson: [referring to chocolate] No, I don’t eat that crap. I’m a professional athlete.
Sloane: Seriously? Golf is like the least athletic sport on the planet.
Jackson: I’ll have you know that golf requires more precise muscle control, and hand-eye coordination than football and basketball combined.
Sloane: Maybe. But LeBron doesn’t need a tiny car to take him up and down the court.

Sloane: Do you want a cigarette?
Jackson: You smoke?
Sloane: No. Not really, just like sometimes. A little tobacco never killed anybody.
Jackson: Mm, pretty sure it has.

Jackson: Look, I get it, okay? It sucks running into your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, in a candy store, wearing pajamas.
Sloane: Ex-boyfriend, and these are not pajamas. They’re lounge pants.

Jackson: Why didn’t you just call me?
Sloane: I don’t know. I guess I was just embarrassed to admit that nothing had changed since New Year’s.
Jackson: Yeah, but isn’t that the point of this holidate thing, is that we get to avoid this stupid pressure and all the judgment?

Sloane: At least the biggies are behind us. I mean, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day.
Jackson: Yeah, but I’m telling you, the small ones are just as risky. I once spent an Earth Day chained to a tree with a chick from Greenpeace. It was the longest ten days of my life.

Jackson: Holidates until further notice?
Sloane: What about sex?
Jackson: Will Lester be joining us?
Sloane: No, I’m serious. Friends with benefits never works.
Jackson: Yeah, but that’s only because you girls get clingy and always want more.
Sloane: Us?
Jackson: Well, yeah. It’s not your fault. Women are hardwired to attach and procreate.
Sloane: Okay, and men are just hardwired to panic and flee.
Jackson: Okay, fine. So, we agree. Non-sexual holidates from now on.

Sloane: In honor of Easter, Jackson will enjoy his first taste of blue dye number seven.
Jackson: No! You know, they’ve done experiments on those, and they don’t decompose, even after like ten years in the sun.
Sloane: Really?
Jackson: Yeah.
Sloane: So it’s like anti-aging.

Elaine: I want you to find someone who has real potential. Not this holidate crap like your aunt.
Sloane: She seems like she’s having fun.
Elaine: She’s going to die alone in a wheelchair and a diaper. Is that what you want?
Sloane: Do I get a male nurse?

Sloane: So, Daisy, how are things with Levi, the juice box king?
Daisy: We broke up.
Sloane: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Daisy: It’s okay. He wasn’t ready for a real relationship. I need someone who’s going to put me first.

Sloane: Women process heartbreak differently. We need time. You just dump us and move on.
Jackson: Hey, women can be just as brutal. Trust me. I know plenty of blokes who’ve had their hearts crushed by some chick who pretended to care about him. Pretended she liked his friends, and was into his hobbies, like cricket, and backgammon. And even went so far as to put just all this girlie stuff in his bathroom, and hide bobby pins in the strangest places. You know, maybe they even started exploring couple of certain sexual doors that they’ve never explored before. And then one day, without warning, the bathroom’s cleared out, and she’s changed her phone number, and she snuck out of my place with a panini maker. A f***ing panini maker.
Sloane: Well, panini makers are expensive.
Jackson: Oh, I know. I paid for it.

Sloane: What happened to holidate rule number one, which was, “No judgments?”
Jackson: Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Your lack of a sex life is none of my business. I just feel bad for you, that’s all.
Sloane: Oh, you feel bad for me? I see what you’re trying to do here.
Jackson: What am I trying to do?
Sloane: You’re trying to get in my head and freak me out so we end up having sex.
Jackson: I don’t want to have sex with you.
Sloane: Oh, right. How could I forget? You don’t find me attractive.

[after waking up together and thinking they had sex]
Sloane: No. We didn’t.
Jackson: You’re wearing my underwear.
Sloane: Well, that doesn’t mean anything. I probably got cold in the night, after my panties fell off.

Sloane: Can’t you tell?
Jackson: I mean, he looks a little tired, but I don’t think he’s really satisfied.
Sloane: I’m telling you. We didn’t do it. One of us would for sure be able to tell.
Jackson: Sweet. Let’s go with that.

Elaine: And I don’t understand why you’re wasting my daughter’s time with this meaningless stuff.
Jackson: It’s not meaningless. We’re friends.
Elaine: She doesn’t need another friend. She needs a husband. A partner. Someone who is legally bound to be there during the chemo.
Sloane: What chemo?
Elaine: Oh, honey. Don’t kid yourself. You have bad genes. And bald women don’t really get a lot of dates.

Jackson: You have nothing to worry about. Okay? Sloane is a great girl. Even bald.
Elaine: Then why aren’t you sleeping with her?
Sloane: Mom! Jesus!
Elaine: I’m just saying that it’s not going to kill you to try. It’s like escargot. It may sound unappealing. It may look unappealing. But once you put it in your mouth, it’ll knock your socks off. So maybe this holidate thing will turn into something.
Sloane: Did you just compare sex with me to eating slugs?
Jackson: Well, she has a point.

Sloane: What is it about men and explosives?
Aunt Susan: All about the c**k.
Liz: What do fireworks have to do with a man’s anatomy?
Aunt Susan: It’s like j**king off. Men live for the orgasm. If they’re not f***ing, they’re dreaming about f***ing, or blowing stuff up. Next best thing to f***ing.
Liz: So they’re all down there right now thinking about…
Sloane: F***ing.

[after Jackson has blown his finger off at the Fourth of July party]
Jackson: It’s my f***-you finger! I can’t lose my f***-you finger.
York: Sloane, good luck. His f***-you finger is in your hands.
Sloane: Don’t say that!

Jackson: Jesus Christ! My finger is in a f***ing Ziploc bag!
Sloane: I know, and it’s really freaking me out. Can you put it in the glove box or something?
Jackson: Well, we wouldn’t want you to be freaked out now, would we?

Jackson: I don’t do drugs.
Sloane: And you call yourself a professional athlete?

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly. He’s reattaching a toe.
Jackson: Toe? Hold on a second. A finger must take priority over a toe.
Nurse: Sorry. If only you’d been a jackass a little earlier in the day.
Sloane: Wow. You’ve really got her wrapped around your finger.
[they both laugh]

Jackson: I’m really sorry that I ruined your Fourth of July.
Sloane: Holidate rule number three, “Leave no holidate behind.” Or their appendages.
[their hands touch]

Jackson: [referring to Sloane] Our hands touched.
Neil: Holy s**t. Did you use protection?

Abby: I’m confused. You like him. He likes you. These are not real problems.
Sloane: Yes, they are. I can’t just “like him” like him until I know for sure that he “likes me” likes me.

[referring to Sloane and Faarooq]
Jackson: It’s really weird, because Sloane gets queasy at the sight of blood, and now she’s with a doctor.
Aunt Susan: He sure scrubs up nice.
Jackson: You think he’s handsome?
Aunt Susan: Oh. Face, eight. Hands, ten. For a woman, it’s all about the hands.

Sloane: [referring to Susan] Are you going to sleep with her?
Jackson: I don’t know. I thought we might get through desserts first.

Jackson: Are you going to sleep with the doc?
Sloane: Hmm. The man saved your finger. It’s the least I could do.
Jackson: He botched the job. I still can’t flip a full bird.

Sloane: When did Halloween go from dressing up like a princess to dressing up like a w**re?
Abby: I don’t know, sixth grade?
Daisy: What’s a w**re?
Abby: Somebody who gets paid to play with boys.
Violet: I want to be a w**re.
Daisy: Me too!

Jackson: You look ridiculous. And you’re scaring people, and not in a good way.
Neil: You judging me, Jack Sparrow? I’m the Black Panther. Wakanda forever!
Jackson: You look nothing like the Black Panther.
Neil: That’s because I’m unique. Okay? This is my own interpretation. And stop hating. I want to wear this suite. It’s my perr-ogative. And plus, I don’t have to wear any underwear.

Sloane: No, I really don’t feel well. I’ve had about fifty mini-size candy bars. I’ve had a bucket of candy corn, and my ex-boyfriend has impregnated a teenage girl.

[referring to Luc and Felicity expecting a baby]
Sloane: February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October. They did it on Valentine’s Day.
Jackson: Everyone did it on Valentine’s Day.
Sloane: I didn’t do it on Valentine’s Day!
Jackson: Neither did I!

[as Sloane is trying to get out of her Halloween costume]
Jackson: You’re locked up like Houdini in this!
Sloane: This is your fault! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! Please don’t let this happen to me. F***! Don’t let me be the girl who s**ts her pants.

Jackson: Peppermint tea. Helps with the nausea.
Sloane: I have peppermint tea?
Jackson: Uh, sort of. I mean, it’s just crushed Altoids in boiling water.

Sloane: So I guess I’ll be an anecdote you tell at parties now? The girl who…
Jackson: The girl who s**t her pants on Halloween?
Sloane: Oh, God.
Jackson: You know, technically, we’ve all been s**tting our pants since we were born. Don’t worry, okay? I’m not going to tell anyone. I promise.

Sloane: [as Jackson leans in to kiss her] I hate, in movies, when people kiss in the morning. I think it’s gross.
[they start kissing]

Abby: I kissed the Black Panther.
Sloane: What?
Abby: The Black Panther! I kissed him! We were standing in line, you know, waiting for the bathroom, and then it just of sort of it suddenly happened. We kissed.
Sloane: Ew! With tongue?

Jackson: [after having sex with Sloane] She practically shoved me out the door.
Neil: You’re saying, she didn’t even want to snuggle? Cuddle?
Jackson: No.
Neil: Go to brunch?
Jackson: I didn’t get a cup of coffee.
Neil: Damn, man. That hurts.

Jackson: [referring to Abby] You made a connection with a married mother of four?
Neil: Oh, it sounded bad when you said it like that.

Sloane: You didn’t invite Faarooq?
Aunt Susan: Oh, that? Oh, no. You know me. One holidate per customer.
Sloane: But you guys seemed so happy together.
Aunt Susan: Short and sweet, honey. Everything ends eventually. So why sit around waiting for it to happen?

Sloane: You’re not even that attracted to me, right?
Jackson: Why can’t you let that go?
Sloane: Because when a guy basically opens with the fact he doesn’t find a girl attractive, it kind of sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.

Jackson: [to Sloane] I was some random bloke at the mall. I mean, honestly, what do you think would have happened if I’d said, “Hey, I think you’re incredibly beautiful! With these lips that beg to be kissed. These eyes that are…” Honestly, I don’t know what they are. They just make me forget my name. There’s just no way you would’ve gone out with me. Especially, not on New Year’s Eve.

Sloane: Nothing has changed. In fact, you can relax and continue to bang all the cocktail waitresses you want between holidays. No one is expecting you to drop a knee at Thanksgiving.
Jackson: Thanks for the update. At least I’m not the a**hole this time.

Jackson: You’re trying so hard not to feel anything. That means you’re lying to both of us. And that makes you an a**hole.
Sloane: Well, I’d rather be an a**hole than so desperate for companionship that I have to troll the mall for a holidate.
Jackson: No. You were just desperate enough to take me up on the offer.

Sloane: I see another ugly Christmas sweater in your future!
Jackson: Maybe there is. But at least I won’t be alone, sitting at the kids table, blaming everyone else for my problems. And you know what? I bet you money, that if Ryan Gosling waltzed down this frozen food aisle, and offered to take you on the ride of your life, you would still say no. Because you’d be too afraid to get on that train. The Ryan Gosling train.
Sloane: You are so wrong! Ryan Gosling would never do his own shopping! He’s way too cool for that.

[after Sloane blurts out Abby and Neil kissed]
Peter: Wait, what? You kissed the Black Panther?
Abby: Barely. It was an accident.
York: I didn’t see any tongue.

Aunt Susan: It’s all my fault, you know. I’ve had so many opportunities. I’ve had so many men that loved me. Once they got too close, I backed off. So, here I am at age forty-nine. It’s too late now.

Aunt Susan: I f***ed up! You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met.
Faarooq: So you broke up with me.
Aunt Susan: I got scared. It’s what I do. Losing you was the dumbest mistake of my life. Please tell me we can have another chance?
Faarooq: I can’t imagine being happy without you. Susan, I love you.

Abby: [referring to Jackson] So you’re stalking him but not actually speaking to him?
Sloane: Well, I wouldn’t call showing up outside his door and hiding stalking, but okay.

[after Sloane and Jackson see each other at the mall]
Daisy: Aunt Sloane. Life is giving you a moment. Don’t f*** it up.

[after taking the mic at the mall to get Jackson’s attention]
Sloane: [to Jackson] Look, what I’m trying to say is, I’ve had more fun with you in the last year than I’ve had with my loser ex-boyfriends combined. You were right. I do have feelings for you. And I f***… messed it up because I was scared.

Sloane: [to Jackson] Letting you go has been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I miss you so much. I miss you so much that I totally quit smoking. And candy is only mildly comforting. You’ve ruined all my vices for me.

Sloane: [to Jackson] I thought I wanted a holidate, but the truth is, I just want you. For all holidays. And weekends. And weekdays too would be nice. I know I’m probably too late, but honestly, you’re the only one I’d want to go through chemo with.

Jackson: That speech was cockamamie.
[they kiss and the mall crowd cheers]
Jackson: How about New Year’s Eve?
Sloane: Yes!