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Starring: Kevin James, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, Jackie Sandler, Allen Covert, Gary Valentine, Isaiah Mustafa, Jared Sandler, Lavell Crawford, Maxwell Simkins, Jacob Perez, Chris Titone, Tait Blum, Bryant Tardy, Christopher Farrar, Ashley D. Kelley
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Netflix sports comedy directed by The Kinnane Brothers. Based on a true story, Home Team (2022) follows suspended NFL coach Sean Payton (Kevin James), who two years after a Super Bowl win is suspended, goes back to his hometown and finds himself reconnecting with his 12 year-old son, Connor (Tait Blum) by coaching his Pop Warner football team.
Our Favorite Quote:'Sometimes to succeed, you need to do the unexpected.' - Sean Payton (Home Team) Click To Tweet
Sean Payton: [after winning the Super Bowl] Nobody thought we had a chance when I came to New Orleans. And nobody thought we had a chance entering this season. And nobody thought we had a chance entering this game. It feels pretty good.
Jim Nantz: I’ll bet it does, Coach. But, for the record, I believed in you, and I believed in this team from the very start.
Sean Payton: Yeah, I don’t remember you saying that.
Jim Nantz: I didn’t share that opinion publicly, but I said it a few times around my house.
Sean Payton: Can you get me a piece of Juicy Fruit.
Intern Emily: Okay, is that code for something?
Sean Payton: Yeah, it’s code for “I like the taste of gum.”
Nate: Cool bike. You get it for Christmas?
Mitch Bizone: No. It was my neighbor’s. He died.
Dennis: Wait, who did we lose to last week?
Paulie: I forget. It was the team with the orange helmets and the swords. Could’ve been the Vikings, could’ve been the Romans, or the Knights. It could’ve been the The Blacksmiths.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: I have to put in a check-out date in the computer. That’s how it works.
Sean Payton: Let’s just say three nights.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Well, if you stay four nights, you can get the fifth night for free.
Sean Payton: Fine. Four nights.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: So you don’t want the fifth night?
Sean Payton: Tell you what, why don’t you just tell me how many nights I should stay?
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Oh, I’m not allowed to do that, sir.
Sean Payton: Then let’s go with five, as long as the fifth night isn’t more of this.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Thank you for that thoughtful answer.
Beth: [referring to the Snuggie] I’m feeling kind of dumb wearing this thing, Jamie.
Jamie: It’s cozy. Our combined body heat is actually melting the M&M’s in my trail mix.
Beth: Baby, everyone is staring at us.
Jamie: They’re not staring at us. They’re staring at your ex-husband.
Jamie: [to Sean] It’s nice to meet you. I’m a little nervous. I’ve only seen you on TV, and in the pictures that your ex-wife threw away of you. I’m Jamie, Beth’s new husband.
Jamie: It’s just awkward, you know? This is your Snuggie, and you’re…
Sean Payton: Don’t be awkward. I’m just happy Beth found someone to Snuggie with.
Sean Payton: Hey, you played a great game out there.
Connor: We lost zero to forty.
Sean Payton: No, no. I mean, you. You were personally great. I mean, you can’t help it if all your teammates are horrible.
Sean Payton: [as another kid and his dad walks by] No, no. He was good too. Couple of good guys. Couple of horrible ones.
Mitch Bizone: Bountygate!
Sean Payton: Yep. That’s what they’re calling it.
Mitch Bizone: Yep. Newspapers. Radio. It’s online too.
Sean Payton: Yep. I know.
Mitch Bizone: You know, the Internet.
Sean Payton: No, I know what the Internet is. I do.
Sean Payton: [over phone] Could you send maintenance up here? Turn this Jacuzzi off. It’s making a lot of noise.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Oh, it’s not on. It’s just the filter.
Sean Payton: Okay, well, how do we get rid of the noise?
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Most guests find the sound soothing, sir.
Sean Payton: I find it aggravating.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Okay, I could bring you up a fan to counter the noise.
Sean Payton: But then, wouldn’t I hear the fan?
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Very much so.
Paulie: [to Sean] So are you going to be our new coach?
Dennis: We need you. Like, we really, really need you.
Marcos: We suck so bad.
Nate: Sadly, it’s true. If we didn’t have Marcos, we’d be the worst team in the league.
Brian: We are the worst team in the league.
Jamie: Hey, Connor, Harlan, you guys up for some vegan ice cream? It tastes just like regular ice cream. As long as you’ve never eaten regular ice cream.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: [over phone] Those voices you’re hearing are from the Jacuzzi in our royal suite.
Sean Payton: You guys have a royal suite?
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Oh, yeah. There’s some fellows in there from SMU. Let me know if they get too loud and I’ll bring up a fan.
Sean Payton: You know what you can do? I’ll tell you what, why don’t you just bring up a toaster. We can end it all. Sound good?
Will: [referring to Sean] Where is he going?
Calvin: Hopefully he’s going to teach them to cheat. Because we’re getting killed out there.
Game Announcer: First touchdown of the season! And just as the game comes to an end.
Mitch Bizone: That was a touchdown! A real touchdown!
Sean Payton: Take it easy. Act like you’ve been here.
Troy Lambert: They need some better plays to run, and maybe a little motivation. That’s why I’m fixing to get a whistle around your neck.
Sean Payton: Oh, right. Oh, you’re serious?
Troy Lambert: Look, being Sean Payton’s son ain’t easy. Not for a kid playing football in Texas. I mean, hell, my dad coached our local high school team, and I never lived it down. You won the damn Super Bowl.
Sean Payton: I never pushed him to play.
Troy Lambert: No, but he did. And it may be easier on him, and you, and frankly, me, if you were on that field with us every day.
Sean Payton: [as they see a drunk Mitch in the bar] You do need help.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: [referring to the bagels] Those are for my wife. She’s pregnant.
Sean Payton: This is your first?
Eric – Hotel Clerk: No, it’s my third. I’ve been nibbling all morning.
Sean Payton: I meant kids.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: Oh. Yeah, it’s my first.
Sean Payton: You got anything else I can spread this jelly on?
Eric – Hotel Clerk: We do. There’s some hard boiled eggs over there.
Sean Payton: I didn’t say the worst thing you could spread jelly on.
Eric – Hotel Clerk: You didn’t say the best.
Jamie: You know, we could meditate together, and clear our minds, and share memories, and feelings. Isn’t that cool?
Connor: Well, like what?
Jamie: Well, I could tell you about the time when I was in college and I was backpacking through Asia. Let me tell you, I thought for sure they were all women.
Beth: Connor shouldn’t be hearing about that at his age.
Jamie: But he’s not hearing. He’s feeling.
Beth: That’s even worse.
Connor: I’m not going to practice.
Jamie: Yeah, skip practice. Stay here, and I’ll share with you the time I was in a bathhouse with ten sumo wrestlers. These guys prune up everywhere.
Connor: Alright. I’ll go. I’ll go.
Paulie: [over phone] Hell, yeah. I want stuffed crust. What kind of question is that?
Troy Lambert: Paulie, are you seriously ordering a pizza right now? We’re about to practice.
Paulie: I’m ordering it now so it gets here at the peak of my hunger.
Troy Lambert: Coach Payton is going to be our new offensive coordinator. How about that?
Nate: Our defense sucks too.
Mitch Bizone: Coach Payton is third in line. In other words, if Coach Troy were the president, I’d be the vice president. And if Coach Troy happened to get assassinated, I’d take over. Coach Payton would then become the vice president.
Paulie: What happens if both of you guys got shot?
Mitch Bizone: Well, I think they’d cancel. I don’t think we could play that game.
Troy Lambert: Okay. That’s good to know.
Harlan: This is practice. No pressure in practice.
Sean Payton: You see, that’s your problem right there. You know what the pros do? They put all the pressure on themselves during practice so that when the game comes along, there’s none left.
Sean Payton: Everybody, listen up. The only reason to play football is to have fun. And the only way to have fun is to win. And the only way to win is with this.
Paulie: A new playbook?
Gus the Bus Driver: You know, I was a hell of a running back myself. In ’86, I was the man. I scored a touchdown with four defenders on my back. Blown out knee, blown out ankle, severe jock itch, a cavity, everybody still on my back, helped a woman have a baby, scored the touchdown, did my touchdown dance, and came home to save my mama from a heart attack.
Sean Payton: Gus, keep your eyes on the road.
Gus the Bus Driver: Still got the jock itch though.