Starring: Dakota Johnson, Rebel Wilson, Alison Brie, Leslie Mann, Damon Wayans, Jr., Anders Holm, Nicholas Braun, Jake Lacy, Jason Mantzoukas
OUR RATING: ★★½
Romantic comedy directed by Christian Ditter which explores love and relationships in New York City. New York City is full of lonely hearts seeking the right match, be it a love connection, a hook-up, or something in the middle. And somewhere between the teasing texts and one-night stands, what these unmarrieds all have in common is the need to learn how to be single in a world filled with ever-evolving definitions of love. Sleeping around in the city that never sleeps was never so much fun. When Alice (Dakota Johnson) suffers a bad break-up her hard-partying friend Robin (Rebel Wilson) takes her under her wing and shows her how take advantage of her new circumstances.
Robin: [to Alice] I know breaking-up sucks, but you know what’s even worse? Wasting a night in New York City.
Robin: Let me teach you how to be single. Okay, lesson one. Go get us some drinks.
Robin: [as Alice takes out her wallet] No! That was a trick. You don’t buy the drinks. Boys buy the drinks. It’s kind of like a sexual currency that they use, so they’re not actually paying you to hook up. So, go get us a drink.
Robin: [as she takes Alice’s wallet] Not with this wallet.
Robin: With the sausage wallet.
Alice: Hey, what’s up, y’all?
[the group of men just stare at her]
Alice: I don’t know why I just said “y’all”. “You all” would have taken just as much time. And I’m not even from the South, I’m from Portland. Which is southern from Canada. Are y’all Canadian? I just did it again, I said it again.
[the group of men just continue to stare at her]
Alice: Oh, my God. Okay, bye.
Robin: You need to get out!
Big Boy: You’re in my apartment!
Robin: This is not my apartment. Sorry. You were great last night.
Big Boy: Was I?
Robin: I can’t remember.
Alice: [after meeting at a networking event] Do you want one of my business cards? Or maybe four hundred of them so you could tile your bathroom?
David: What’s on them?
Alice: My social security number, my mom’s maiden name, my ATM pin. That’s what goes on these, right?
David: Absolutely, the essentials. What do you do?
Alice: I’m a paralegal at Brown, Light and Fincklestein.
David: Is that 144, Wall Street?
David: Yeah, I have the building right next door.
Alice: You have the building, like in a fantasy building league?
David: No, I don’t have the building. I kind of own it.
David: There’s no… Wait a minute. It doesn’t sound right. I’m a developer, so it’s not just me. It’s like a group of people.
Alice: That’s like a real-a** job, man.
David: I know, it’s the worst.
[Alice laughs, just then David’s phone rings]
David: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s my daughter.
Alice: Oh, yeah. No, totally. Me too. I mean, I’m a daughter.
Tom: [to Alice] You’re a pretty girl. This is New York City, there’s like a billion people outside that door.
Tom: I’m Tom. And…
Tom: If you’re going to be using my free Wi-Fi, at least you can do me a favor and not write s**t like, “I want to wake up with my best friend.” Unless you want my d**k to fall off. And then maybe we could become best friends, and that’d be awesome.
Lucy: Look, I spent half of last year creating an algorithm that trolls dating apps for the best candidates and downloads them into an Excel spreadsheet. So, I know what I’m looking for.
Tom: Yeah, that’s not weird at all. What are you really doing online? I mean, you’re a pretty girl. This is New York City, there’s like a billion people outside that door.
Lucy: Yeah, but how many eligible people?
Lucy: Okay, there are eight million people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right?
Tom: It does.
Lucy: But, half of them are women, and as hard as I tried in college, I don’t swing that way.
Tom: How hard did you try?
Lucy: Let it go.
Lucy: So, four million men. And then you got to have some age limits. Let’s say over twenty.
Tom: Got to keep it legal.
Lucy: Under forty.
Tom: Keep it sexy.
Lucy: Now it’s a million.
Tom: Right, we’re talking about a million guys.
Lucy: But half of them are married, ten percent are gay. I want someone college educated. Not too ugly, so.
Tom: [referring to the one peanut left on the counter] There’s your boyfriend.
Lucy: I wish.
Lucy: He’s got to be taller than me. And he’s got to want kids. So, yeah. I’m on ten different dating websites to increase my odds. So, what do you say?
Tom: You let me treat this bar like it’s my living room, and I won’t call the cops every night with a noise complaint.
Lucy: Okay. Very cute.
[referring to the pile of peanuts on the counter]
Tom: These are the women?
[he gathers up the peanuts and pops them into his mouth]
Robin: In every male-female friendship there’s a total number of drinks and if you hit that it means you would definitely have sex. So how many drinks would it take to get you wasted?
Alice: Two and a half, but maybe three if I’ve eaten.
Robin: Okay, and Tom’s is eight. So you can’t hit eleven drinks between the two of you. Not one for you, ten for him. Not six for him, five for you.
Alice: If I had more than five drinks I’d hook up with you.
Robin: My drink number is twenty-seven.
Robin: I wouldn’t even touch myself on less than twenty-four.
Meg: Because now you can focus on your career.
Alice: What? No! I put myself out in the world and it completely rejected me.
[opens up a champagne bottle]
Robin: Woh! Okay, you haven’t been single for that long.
Robin: You got to get around the board, passed go, collect two hundred s**ts.
Meg: Why don’t you to one of those Alumni events.
Alice: An alumni event?
Meg: You go and you network with people, and if you really love what you do, then it, the whole guy thing, it’s easier.
Alice: No! I don’t want to be like you, Meg. I don’t want my job to be my entire life.
[Meg looks visibly upset]
Robin: Ooh, okay. Sisters time-out. There are pros and cons to both of you, okay?
[pointing to Alice]
Robin: Pros. Young. Beautiful.
[point to Meg]
Robin: Pros. Also beautiful for your age. Rich, doctor, access to pills.
[pointing to Alice]
Robin: Cons. No access to pills.
[pointing to Meg]
Robin: Cons. You’re really stingy with the pills.
Robin: Pros. Loves me unconditionally, gives me the spare key to the apartment, has a very nice underwear drawer, very neat and organized.
Meg: You have a key to my apartment?
Robin: Cons. Asks too many personal questions.
Alice: [at Alice’s evening work event] The new guy has sort of been checking you out.
Meg: Which one?
[she subtly moves her head towards his direction]
Alice: Did you get it?
Alice: Alright. He’s like right over there.
Meg: [sees the younger guy at the bar] No. No.
Meg: Because he’s too young. All young guys want to do is have sex all day. All I need is just a quick ten minutes and then a really long nap. How old is that one look anyway?
Alice: Like twenty-f…seven.
Meg: The only reason a guy like that would ever talk to me is to get prescription for medical marijuana. So, no.
Alice: [as Ken, the younger guy, walks over to them] Wait, I think he’s coming over here. Yeah, no, he’s totally going… No, wait, he might be going for food. Don’t look over there. No, he’s coming.
[he stops right by them]
Alice: He’s here.
Ken: I’m Ken.
Meg: Is this one of those fetish things where you’re…
[Ken looks confused]
Meg: Like a foot fetish? Am I the foot?
Ken: Do you want to be the foot?
Robin: To no drama.
Alice: To no drama.
Alice: We have to be at work in like thirty minutes.
Robin: I can do this in twenty.
Robin: If Tom texts you wait four hours to respond. And if you use an emoji I will tit punch you.
Tom: Marriage! The end of spontaneous sex, traveling by yourself, and buying whatever you want without having to ask permission. Right?
Alice: [as Robin tries to look up Alice’s towel] What are you doing? Stop.
Robin: What is that?
[Robin suddenly throws water at Alice]
Alice: Oh, my God. I thought that was going to be boiling hot. It’s actually really cold.
Robin: You have LTRP.
Alice: Oh, my God. I do?
Alice: Tom gave it to me. For sure. Wait. What’s LTRP?
Robin: Long-Term Relationship P**sy. You really need to get that taken care of. What do you mean? I barely have any hair. It’s like you dropped your hairbrush and your v***na caught it. I could make dreadlocks with that bush and form a reggae band. That looks like a whole bowl of petrified curly fries. It’s like Gandalf is staring right at me.
[does Gandalf’s voice]
Robin: “No p**is shall pass!”
Alice: I don’t know why I always talk myself out of doing the things I really want to do.
Alice: [voice over] I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone. But how good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?
Alice: Some people take baby steps to settle down. Some people refuse to settle at all. Sometimes, it’s not statistics. It’s just chemistry. And sometimes, just because it is over, doesn’t mean the love ends.
Alice: The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime, of being alone, you may only get one moment. One moment, when you’re not tied up in a relationship with anyone. A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment, when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then, it’s gone.