Violet Valentine: There’s a Walter Lambert buried right near my grandpa in the Pine Street Cemetery.
Hubie Dubois: Okay.
Violet Valentine: I only remember that name because there is something off about his tombstone.
Hubie Dubois: Off how?
Violet Valentine: Well, I know you, Hubie Dubois. You’ll see.
[referring to Hubie]
Father Dave: What is that fool doing here?
Mike Mundi: No clue. You want me to kick his a**, Father?
Father Dave: Not yet. But stay close.
Father Dave: Boobie! What are you doing?
Hubie Dubois: Nothing. What are you doing?
Father Dave: I’m officiating a funeral.
Hubie Dubois: On Halloween?
Father Dave: People die every day, dummy. They don’t skip holidays.
Hubie Dubois: Even April Fool’s Day?
Father Dave: Shut it! And if you get dirt on my good funeral shoes again, I’m going to bury one up your butt.
Hubie Dubois: [to Mrs. Landolfa] Condolences, by the way. And I love the Wicked Witch costume. It’s classic.
Father Dave: It’s not a costume.
Hubie Dubois: Not a costume? Okay. My bo**r.
Mrs. Landolfa: Why he talk about his bo**r?
Hubie Dubois: Say, Mr. Lambert. How old are you?
Walter Lambert: You mean in human years?
Hubie Dubois: Yes.
Walter Lambert: I don’t really believe in keeping track of that kind of thing, Hubie. You know, age is just a state of mind.
Hubie Dubois: That’s why I played T-ball till I was twenty-five.
[giving a speech to the kids]
Hubie Dubois: When I was young, I used to build a tower with all my candy. And all the candy that was part of the tower before it collapsed, I would keep for myself. The leftover candy, I would donate to the homeless shelter.
Kid: Is that where you live?
Danielle: [to Tommy] Did you suddenly get cool?
[Mundi slaps Tommy’s coffee cup out of his hand]
Mike Mundi: Oops! Sorry, freshman.
Kyle: Michael Mundi in the house!
Tommy: [to Danielle] It comes and goes.
Violet Valentine: Oh, did you get a Hubie Dubois Halloween safety talk?
Cooky: I think so. Is he a good guy? Because the whole school was throwing food and sharp objects at him.
Violet Valentine: Hubie Dubois is probably the nicest guy in this town.
Danielle: Do you like him?
Violet Valentine: No. You know, he’s just, he’s the nicest.
Tommy: You said this already.
Violet Valentine: Well, take it from me. Nice matters.
DJ Aurora Voice: The scariest night of the year has arrived, kiddies. It’s going to be a full moon, so the monsters will be out. I hope you’ve made all the necessary preparations. And have your costumes all picked out. And watch out for all kinds of freaky things that’ll chill you to the bone.
Hubie’s Mom: Oh, Hubie. Don’t go out there tonight. I have a feeling something’s going to happen.
Hubie Dubois: I get that feeling every time I leave the house, mom. But Salem needs me.
Hubie’s Mom: Listen to me. It’s time to worry about yourself. Hubert Shubert Dubois, do you hear me?
Hubie Dubois: The whole neighborhood’ll hear you, ma. You’re practically screaming. I’ll be okay.
[looking at the moon]
Hubie Dubois: So you went with the full moon, huh, God? It’s on.
[after Hubie saves her cat]
Cat Owner Karen: Hey, Pubie! Give me back my cat!
Hubie Dubois: Boy, that nickname spread like warm peanut butter.
Violet Valentine: How did you get to be so bada**?
[Hubie points to himself in surprise]
Violet Valentine: Yes, you, Hubie. You’re a stud.
Hubie Dubois: You’re most friendly, most popular, and best looking.
Violet Valentine: What?
[to Hubie, referring to Violet]
Dot: I’m asexual, but that girl’s making me hella horny.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Scooby Dubois on the case!
Hubie Dubois: Mr. Hennessy. How’s night school?
Mr. Lester Hennessey: I dropped out three years ago. Shut up.
[referring to the sash Hubie is wearing]
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Hubie, nice little sash you got on there. What is that, “Monitor”? What are you monitorizing?
Hubie Dubois: You see, basically, doing a door to door candy etiquette. As a trained volunteer, I’ve been asked to initiate spot checks.
Tracy Phillips: Asked by who?
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Yeah. Because it looks like you made that sash from one of your mother’s scarves.
Hubie Dubois: My family’s been a part of Salem for, going back to the witch trials. So I know what it’s like when the spooky fun gets out of hand.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: [pretend snors] Oh, I’m sorry. I had this nightmare I was talking to an idiot.
Hubie Dubois: Having a nightmare about your hairdo.
Hubie Dubois: Please keep the fishnets for fishing next year.
Hubie Dubois: Mr. Lambert, I know you said if there was a commotion, I should ignore it. But there was a commotion, and I did not ignore it.
[as Hubie barges into Steve’s office]
Sgt. Blake: I’m sorry, buddy. The package got by me. He moves quickly to the left.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Okay. Well, how did the package even know that I was in here?
Sgt. Blake: Well, that’s a glass window. The package could see you.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Yeah, but could’ve told the package that I’m a mannequin, or something.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Hubie, how long have you lived in Salem?
Hubie Dubois: Uh, my whole life.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Now, you’ve brought us many instances of unlawful conduct to our attention over the years.
[we see different montages of Hubert bringing complaints to Steve]
Hubie Dubois: Somebody put a firecracker in my mail slot.
Hubie Dubois: [to Steve] There’s a diaper in the middle of Dori’s pond.
Hubie Dubois: [to Steve] There’s a weird station wagon at the senior center.
Hubie Dubois: [to Steve] The supermarket is selling expired bacon.
Hubie Dubois: [to Steve] Janet at the library has not been herself lately.
Hubie Dubois: [to Steve] I heard a voice in the sewer.
Sgt. Blake: I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize him.
Sgt. Steve Downey: The power of observation. The ability to blend in. That is you in a nutshell, Hubie.
Sgt. Steve Downey: You ever hear of an AUU?
Hubie Dubois: I don’t have an Internet, so I’m not up on my latest abbreviations. Illuminate me.
Sgt. Steve Downey: [to Hubie] AUU stands for Auxiliary Undercover Unit. Now, before you get too excited, let me tell you what it entails, okay? First off, there’s no salary. There’s no badge. We can’t acknowledge you officially in any way whatsoever. And the most important thing is, you can never be seen talking to me, or any other officer in this place.
Sgt. Steve Downey: But remember, you cannot contact us, no matter how dire the emergency.
Hubie Dubois: Yeah, I heard you the first time.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Yeah, I said it twice, because it’s important.
Hubie Dubois: Gotcha.
Sgt. Steve Downey: So, you ready to join the team?
Hubie Dubois: Put me in, coach. I’m ready to play.
Mike Mundi: So lit to have freshman girls here. New crop of hotties to hit on.
Kyle: Hey! Easy, Mikey. My sister’s a freshman.
Mike Mundi: Dude, I would never even consider your sister in that way. She’s got no personality and a greasy forehead.
Kyle: You’re a good friend, man.
Hubie Dubois: Excuse me. Smokers for chokers.
Frankenstein Kid: What’s your problem?
Hubie Dubois: I got a problem? I think you got the problem.
Hubie Dubois: I realize I might have gone too far for your teenage mental capacities, and that is a bo**r on my part.
Megan: I don’t think he knows what bo**r means.
Tommy: No, definitely not.
Hubie Dubois: When I was your age, I made some huge bo**rs. Bo**rs that I wish I could get back now.
Hubie Dubois: Actually, I had a pretty good time with you guys after all. It was fun. I hope we do it again next year. Give a hoot, don’t pollute.
Partygoer: Isn’t that Woodsy the Owl?
Hubie Dubois: No, he was Tootsie Pops.
[as they go looking for Hubie in the corn maze]
Tommy: Should we split up?
Megan: I don’t know. That sounds like a big bo**r.
Megan: I’m just kidding.
Megan: I work down at the coffee shop. I give you free hot water for your dehydrated soup sometimes.
Hubie Dubois: Yes. Much appreciated. The reason I take it for free is because I don’t have money.
Hubie Dubois: So I like the costumes. Garbage can?
Tommy: Yeah. Tin Man.
Hubie Dubois: And Red Riding Hood. I want to be honest with you. Might not be a good year for it. Between us, there is a man-wolf on the loose.
Megan: Then maybe should I head inside?
Hubie Dubois: A wise decision.
DJ Aurora Voice: So now’s the time for us big boys and girls to get up to some real mischief. And watch out. It’s always the quiet ones who get the most naughty.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Did that turn you on?
Mrs. Hennessey: How is sucking on fake fingers supposed to turn me on?
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Well, imagine that they’re your fingers.
Mrs. Hennessey: They’re men’s fingers! Are you saying I have men’s fingers?
[referring to Hubie]
Mrs. Hennesy: I got to say, it’s pretty impressive how long he’s been a loser.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: I got a great idea. It’s kind of evil, but stick with me.
Mrs. Hennesy: Now, that turns me on.
Mrs. Hennesy: Did you lose your thermos or some s**t?
Hubie Dubois: Oh, that’ll never happen.
[he throws his thermos, it’s immediately pulled back by a string attached to his wrist]
Mrs. Hennesy: Anyway, I saw something earlier. Something suspicious.
Hubie Dubois: Ears are in open position.
[after their cruel prank on Hubie]
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Now do you want me?
Mrs. Hennessy: No!
Hubie Dubois: Mr. Lambert.
Walter Lambert: Walter.
Hubie Dubois: Your tombstone says that you have yet to die. Are you a human being, or are you a moon-crazed beast from beyond the grave, grave, grave?
[Walter starts howling]
Walter Lambert: Hold that thought! I got to split!
[rushes off, howling like a wolf]
Hubie Dubois: Mr. Lambert! That just answered my question.
Sgt. Steve Downey: I suggest we cancel the fireworks show immediately.
Mayor Benson: We ain’t canceling a damn thing, Sergeant.
Sgt. Steve Downey: We got an unsolved mystery here!
Mayor Benson: Eighty-five percent of the tourism dollars spent in this town are spent on Halloween night. And I’m not going to let no high school peckerhead jeopardize that.
Sgt. Steve Downey: I just think that…
Mayor Benson: Trick-or-treat, smell my feet.
Sgt. Steve Downey: I just think that you’re not…
Mayor Benson: Smell my feet.
Sgt. Steve Downey: I just think that…
Mayor Benson: Smell my feet.
Sgt. Steve Downey: You really want me to smell them?
Violet Valentine: So you seem a little stressed. I mean, what can I do to help you out? Maybe a glass of Chardonnay?
Hubie Dubois: Well, to be honest with you, I don’t drink beer. But do you have any silver bullets?
Violet Valentine: That is not on the menu tonight.
Hubie Dubois: [to Violet] We all have a purpose. Some people’s purpose is to make sure all the streets are clean. Some people’s purpose, like Kenny Rogers, is to make sure there’s great tunes on the radio that we can all sing along with on road trips. Some people’s purpose, like you, are here to make sure that kids without parents end up with a mom anyways. Who is nice, and kind to them, and makes them feel loved.
Hubie Dubois: [to Violet] My whole life, I felt my purpose was to make sure everybody was safe and sound on Halloween. But tonight, I have failed massively.
Hubie Dubois: Be careful today. Danger is afoot.
Hubie Dubois: Appreciate you being nice to me.
Violet Valentine: Of course, Hubie. You’re the best person I know. You’re always thinking of everyone else and never of yourself. But I guess that’s why you’re a hero.
[as Lester puffs on his inhaler]
Mrs. Hennessy: Now, see, that does it for me.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: You like that?
Mrs. Hennessy: No.
[as Hubie is riding his bike through the neighborhood]
Hubie Dubois: I say, “Marco,” you say, “Polo!” Marco!
Man #1: Weirdo!
Hubie Dubois: Marco!
Man #2: A**hole!
[to the Megan and Tommy who scream, making Hubie scream, as he opens the door]
Hubie Dubois: What are we screaming at?
[after Hubie returns Danielle and Cooky home safely]
Tommy: Well, at least everybody’s safe.
Hubie Dubois: No one in Salem is safe tonight. Do you understand me, Tommy? That’s why I’m putting this family on lockdown.
Hubie Dubois: And lock this door! No matter what, don’t answer it!
Megan: What are you going to do, Mr. Dubois?
Hubie Dubois: I’m going to do what I do every October 31st. Make sure every citizen in this town is safe and protected. But do you have a bathroom I could use? Because the soup kind of went right through me.
Hubie Dubois: Toilet? Is it a big toilet? Because I got a lot to do.
[as he encounters a dog, thinking it’s Walter]
Hubie Dubois: The transformation is complete. While I understand that you are now a mindless killing machine, I would like to speak with the human being that is deep down below your fur.
Hubie Dubois: [to the dog] Mr. Lambert. Walter. I cannot, in good faith, allow you to hurt another soul tonight. Even though this is Halloween, and even though I know this is… Mr. Lambert, you’re better than that. Did you really want to defecate in front of me, sir? Oh, now, you’re eating it! Is that Michael Mundi you’re eating right now? Is he inside your feces?
Miss Taylor: Wait a second. Are you hitting on me? Because if so, that is incredibly sick.
Mr. Landolfa: We’re having a conversation.
Miss Taylor: Mm-mm. Because you’re like three times my age, okay? Thrice. I was born around the same time you had your first heart bypass.
[as Hubie gets scared]
Jimmy: Why would you mace me? I’m a dentist. I help people!
Hubie Dubois: Liar! Lucifer!
Hubie Dubois: Attention, haunted house patrons. This is a direct order from the AUU. Move quickly and quietly toward the exits. The man-wolf has eaten his kryptonite!
Hubie Dubois: I think I know who did it.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Oh, so do I.
Hubie Dubois: His name is Walter Lambert.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Walter who?
Hubie Dubois: Lambert. Scientists would call him a lyco-thorpe.
Peggy: I think he means a lycanthrope.
Hubie Dubois: Is that what it is?
Peggy: It’s a werewolf.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Blake, I need you to go out to 59 Elm. There should be a guy there. New in town. Possibly shirtless.
Sgt. Blake: Yeah. Middle-aged, growls a lot, glue-on hairy hands? Yeah, I got him right here. Him and your boy, Richie Hartman. They both came by and turned themselves in like forty-five minutes ago.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Together?
Sgt. Blake: Yeah. Apparently, Lambert is Hartman’s roommate at the mental hospital. Sorry. Werewolf Treatment Center. Lambert broke out about a month ago, and then Hartman broke out yesterday to try to find him and convince him to come back. It’s actually pretty sweet, isn’t it?
Sgt. Blake: And also, Lambert’s real name is Nick Hudson. Yeah. Walter Lambert is just some name that he got off a tombstone on his way into town.
Walter Lambert: I feel bad you got yourself in even more trouble just to save me.
Richie Hartman: No, it was good to get out of that place for a while. You did me a favor. Thank you.
Walter Lambert: Did you do anything fun?
Richie Hartman: I pi**ed on a tombstone. Pi**ed on the street. Just some fun pi**ing stuff, you know.
Walter Lambert: Nobody pees more than you.
Richie Hartman: I’m peeing now.
Hubie Dubois: Frankenstein!
[everyone looks behind them and turn back to see Hubie gone]
Mayor Benson: Did we just fall for the old Frankenstein trick?
DJ Aurora Voice: I’m not sure what’s happening in this creepy town, but sounds like a good idea to cuddle up with someone special, and enjoy the last half hour of Halloween under the covers. And just hope that whoever you cuddling isn’t a madman.
DJ Aurora: [deep voice] I’d recognize that voice anywhere. You look exactly how I pictured you.
Hubie Dubois: To be honest with you, you don’t look like the way I was picturing you.
DJ Aurora: [soft voice] I guess my radio voice throws people off sometimes.
Hubie Dubois: Yeah, I think that’s it.
Hubie Dubois: Yes. Nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m looking forward to hearing your real voice.
Bunny: [deep voice] This is my real voice.
Hubie Dubois: Right. I know it is. I was just saying, you know. So I am a big fan of your husband, Aurora.
[referring to one of their frequent radio callers]
DJ Aurora: You know what they say about Chardonnay? Truth serum. She said she’s going to show you how much she loves you on Halloween.
Bunny: Do you think we could trace the number?
DJ Aurora: I don’t need to. Caller ID. 617-555-0968. Sound familiar?
Hubie Dubois: No. But there is a number that needs to be dialed immediately. 911!
Sgt. Steve Downey: Any idea of someone who might have a thing for you?
Hubie Dubois: How would somebody detect such a situation?
Sgt. Steve Downey: Anyone in town who seems like they might actually enjoy talking to you.
Hubie Dubois: There’s one woman. But she’s the nicest lady I ever met in my life.
Sgt. Steve Downey: Well, they all seem nice till they kill you. What’s the desperate sicko’s name?
Hubie Dubois: [whispers] The high school hat trick, Violet Valentine.
Sgt. Steve Downey: [laughs] Her? And you? Alright. Let’s go see if we can get ourselves a confession.
Bunny: Ooh! This is some Dateline NBC s**t.
Hubie Dubois: I just wanted to tell you that I have been in love with you since second grade.
Violet Valentine: What? Hubie, I’ve been in love with you since the first grade. What took you so long?
Hubie Dubois: I was in love with our teacher.
Violet Valentine: Miss Glennon? Wasn’t she like seventy?
Hubie Dubois: I liked the way she smelled.
Hubie Dubois: I can’t believe this.
Violet Valentine: I can’t believe that I spent three years with a self-confident-for-no-reason, bearded, human ogre when I could have been with you.
[as Steve and Blake are listening ito their conversation]
Sgt. Blake: Ouch. That even hurt me.
[after discovering his mother was behind the Salem kidnappings]
Hubie Dubois: I mean, the good news is you’re still alive. I was…
Mike Mundi: Nice observation, toolbox! Now get us out of this!
Hubie’s Mom: I tried to explain to you already, Hubie. If you don’t fight back, the bullies never stop. So I had to fight back for you.
Hubie Dubois: Mommy, I would’ve been satisfied if you put itching powder in their sleeping bag. This is extreme.
Hubie Dubois: Mom, I really don’t want you to do this.
Hubie’s Mom: I know, Hubie. That’s what makes you so wonderful. And that’s why I have to do it. I have to make it good for you before I go.
Hubie Dubois: Before you go? To Heaven?
Hubie’s Mom: No. Probably going to Hell, Hubie.
Hubie’s Mom: Shame on you. Hubie just saved your lives, and you treat him like this. Can one of you tell me why?
Mr. Landolfa: Just look at him! He’s so Hubie!
Hubie’s Mom: Yes, he’s Hubie. He’s helpful. He’s courteous. He’s cheerful. He’s considerate. What a bad, bad man.
Hubie’s Mom: My great-great-great-great-great-grandmother laid down her life, trying to save innocent people.
Walter Lambert: I was there.
Hubie’s Mom: And my son did her one better. He just saved four ungrateful jacka**es.
Mike Mundi: I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said Pubie. It just came out.
Hubie’s Mom: Could it be because you feel threatened?
Mike Mundi: I feel a lot of pressure to be cool all the time. I’m jealous of Hubie being able to be himself.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: I lost my hair twenty years ago, and every time I walk into a room, I feel silly. Why should someone like Hubie have such a thick, luxuriant head of hair, and I look like a California raisin?
Mrs. Hennessey: I have never felt sexually fulfilled.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: But…
Mrs. Hennessey: Oh, shut up, Lester. You’re usually there. You know it’s true. I’m guessing Hubie hasn’t had a lot of sex.
Hubie Dubois: No, ma’am.
Mrs. Hennessey: Hasn’t had any sex. But what he does have is hope. Damn him and his hope!
Mr. Landolfa: I was diagnosed with dyslexia in the eighth grade. I faked it for the doctors, but I’m really just dumb. I never really told anybody. You’re probably all surprised.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: No, I’m not surprised.
Mr. Landolfa: But Hubie uses big words, and they come out so natural for him. It pi**es me off. Well, because of the dumb thing.
Walter Lambert: My brother-in-law once said that I had no ambition. And then he bit me, and I became a werewolf.
Hubie’s Mom: Hubie’s smart, has nice hair, and sex hope. But to me, his best quality is this. He can weather all of your insults, and your thrown objects, and he responds with humor and kindness. Could you say the same? Could any of you take the abuse you dish out to my Hubie?
Sgt. Steve Downey: I busted a guy for DWI last week, and he said it was an honor to be arrested by a Muppet. I acted like I didn’t hear him. But then I cried in my squad car for about half an hour.
Hubie’s Mom: You see, Hubie. True bravery is being kind. Even to those who are being cruel to you.
Hubie Dubois: I just always wanted to be as nice as you, mom.
Hubie’s Mom: Oh, you were nicer. But now I know that you’re ready to spread your wings and fly without me. You don’t have to be scared anymore.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: I’m feeling emotional.
Mrs. Hennessey: And a little horny.
Mr. Lester Hennessey: Ooh!
Mrs. Hennessey: Not for you.
Hubie’s Mom: Frankenstein!
[they turn, Hubie’s mom disappears and cackles]
Sgt. Steve Downey: We fell for that twice in one night.
Richie Hartman: [to Walter] We got to try that with the orderlies when we get back.
Sgt. Steve Downey: One thing I still don’t get. Why did his mom have to kill Peanut the pig?
Walter Lambert: That was me actually. I had a case of the late-night munchies.
[as Hubie takes the reporter’s microphone]
Hubie Dubois: I just want to say happy Halloween to everybody in Salem. Also, happy Valentine’s Day. I’m talking to you, Violet Valentine. Also, I just broke up with my Canadian girlfriend. So I am available. Miss Valentine, this is for you.
[he leans into the camera screen to kiss it]
Violet Valentine: Hubie, do be mine.
[she kisses the TV screen]
[Halloween night a year later, Hubie is now married to Violet and mayor]
Andy O’Doyle: Hey, Hubie! You’re the man!
Hubie Dubois: Thanks. I learned it all from my mother, who’s right behind you.
[the kids gasp and look behind them]
Hubie Dubois: Got you, O’Doyle!
[as he’s riding his bike through the neighborhood]
Hubie Dubois: Happy Halloween to all! And to all, a good fright!
DJ Aurora Voice: And so, another Halloween has come to Salem. So you best take the advice of our beloved Mayor and frequent caller, Hubie Dubois. And have a safe and fun time.
Bunny: Hang on, baby. Got some spaghetti and meatballs for you.
DJ Aurora: Okay. Let’s Lady and the Tramp that s**t.