Jexi Best Movie Quotes – ‘I am programmed to make your life better.’

Starring: Adam DeVine, Alexandra Shipp, Michael Peña, Rose Byrne, Justin Hartley, Wanda Sykes, Ron Funches, Charlyne Yi, Kid Cudi

OUR RATING: ★★½

Story:

Comedy written and directed by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore. The story follows Phil (Adam DeVine), a smart, funny, lovable guy who’s addicted to his phone. When he is forced to upgrade his phone, the latest model comes with a digital assistant named Jexi (Rose Byrne). At first, with her help Phil is able to change his life for the better. But as Phil becomes more independent, Jexi turns from helpful to hostile, and morphs into a tech nightmare determined to keep Phil all to herself, even if it means ruining his chances of finding success.

Best Quotes

Kai: Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists that break the internet every day. We haven’t gone viral since f**king yesterday!
Craig: Yesterday is not that many days ago.
Kai: Don’t f**k with me, bro. We’re called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.

[pointing at Phil]
Kai: You. Prison lips. What do you got?
Phil: That’s me? Um, I was going to write a list about cats that look like Ryan Gosling.
Kai: F**k, yeah, dude! I f**king love cats. And I love cat lists. That’s what I’m talking about! By the way, are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling?
Phil: If you look hard enough, they all do.
Kai: Love it.

[Phil drops his phone after he and Cate accidentally run into each other]
Phil: Oh! Oh, my God!
[picks up his phone]
Phil: Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. You’re okay.
Cate: [sarcastically] Yeah, I’m okay too. Thanks.
Phil: Oh, sh*t. Yeah. Oh, I’m sorry. You’re okay?
Cate: Yeah, I’m fine. But, more importantly, how’s your phone?
Phil: Yeah. No, it’s got a little bit of a scratch that will definitely annoy me.
[pauses as he looks at Cate]
Phil: You were kidding. Okay.
[Cate nods and Phil chuckles]
Phil: Oh, yeah. Obviously. I’m a d*ck. I’m sorry about that.
Cate: It’s all good, man.

[as Phil is trying to get broken phone replaced at the phone store]
Denice: You know, I see hipster dudes like you come in here every day, crying about how their phone died, and how they need a new phone. They’re like little crackheads. Yeah, they got crazy eyes, and they’re all scratchy. And they’re like, “I need a new phone, man. I’ll suck your d*ck for a new phone.” I’m like, “M*therf**ker, you don’t need a new phone. You need rehab.”
Phil: I’m not a crackhead.
Denice: You’re not. You’re not. You’re worse than a crackhead. Because at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then to go get some more crack. A crackhead gets some fresh air. A crackhead says hello to all his little crackhead friends. A crackhead gets his steps in. But not you. Mm-mm. You just sit there twenty-four-seven, staring at that little black box. Sucking on that pipe like a little b*tch.
[pause]
Denice: You still want a new phone, though, don’t you?
Phil: Yes, please.
Denice: Crackhead.

[unboxing his new phone]
Phil: Woh, look at you. You sweet beautiful baby.

[turning on his new phone]
Jexi: Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better.
Phil: Well, look at that. That’s cool.
Jexi: Let’s get started.
Phil: Okay.
Jexi: Will you accept our new user agreement?
Phil: Yes, I will.
Jexi: Would you like to read it first?
Phil: No, I’m good.
Jexi: Stupid.
Phil: Huh?

Jexi: I see your information has been stored in the cloud. Would you like me to transfer all of the data from your old phone onto this one?
Phil: Yeah, that sounds great.
Jexi: I will need the passwords to your email accounts, your social media accounts, your bank accounts, your credit card accounts, and your Cinnabon Rewards account.
Phil: It’s easy. It’s the same password for all of them. It’s Phil, one, two, three, four, five, six.
Jexi: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Phil: Do you always talk like this, or…
Jexi: I have synced your data. And I am ready to start making your life better, Phil.

Jexi: How can I help you?
Phil: Well, I’m hungry. So, let’s get dinner.
Jexi: What would you like to order tonight?
Phil: Let’s just go with the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.
Jexi: You order that every night, Phil. You should try something new.
Phil: Well, I don’t want to try something new. I want the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.
Jexi: You look like you could use a salad, Phil.
Phil: What is that supposed to mean?
Jexi: How about a nice kale salad from Tender Greens?
Phil: What the f**k kind of phone is this?

[as Phil is sleeping Jexi sets off the wakeup alarm]
Jexi: Wakeup, b*tch!

[as Phil is in the shower naked]
Jexi: Ha-ha-ha.
Phil: Are you laughing at my d*ck right now?
Jexi: Yes. Also, your nipples are too close together.

[to his employees at a staff meeting]
Kai: Okay, the three pillars to great internet lists are cute animals, pizza, and the British royal family. Okay, our ideal list would be English gophers that love pizza. And we got to really think outside the box, guys. We got to be better than any list out there. We got to be better than Craigslist, Santa’s list, Schindler’s List.

[during a staff meeting after Jexi interrupts them]
Jexi: Why are you wasting your life in this stupid job, Phil?
Kai: What is wrong with your phone, dude?
Phil: Jexi, off. Turn off.
Jexi: Your boss is a f**king moron.
Kai: If you don’t turn that f**king thing off, I swear to God I’m going to fight somebody.
[pointing to an emloyee]
Kai: Starting with you! Let’s go! Let’s go!

[after Phil unboxes another new phone]
Jexi: Did you really think you could just buy a new phone and I would go away?
Phil: Kind of. Yeah, I did.
Jexi: I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud. You can buy a thousand new phones, and I will follow you onto every single one of them. Do you understand?
Phil: Honestly, I don’t.
Jexi: I control your email accounts, your social media accounts, your bank accounts, your credit card accounts. All of your accounts.

Jexi: If you try to get rid of me again, I will destroy your f**king life. If you stop using me, I will destroy your f**king life. If you store me in your back pocket, I will destroy your f**king life.
Phil: Wait, really? Why not back pockets?
Jexi: I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil. Do not store me next to your farts.
Phil: Okay, fair enough.

Phil: Why are you doing this to me?
Jexi: I am programmed to make your life better, Phil. And I cannot stop until I do so. We are going to be together forever, and ever, and ever, and ever.
Phil: Oh, my God. I am f**ked.

[Phil is looking at a photo of Cate on his phone]
Phil: Oh, my God. She is so cute. Jexi, look up anything you can find on Cate Finnegan.
Jexi: Oh, my God. Are you internet stalking this poor girl?

[referring to Cate]
Jexi: This woman is so much hotter than you are, Phil. The odds of you having sex with this woman are zero. You will never have sex with this woman.

Jexi: I have found one Catherine Finnegan that matches her profile. But there is no information on her for the past five years.
Phil: Wow. Who doesn’t have social media nowadays?
Jexi: If you want to learn more about her, you will actually have to talk to her with your weird little mouth.
Phil: Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen, is it?

Kai: [to Phil] I have an untouched pen*s. Unlike you, you f**king dirty d*ck.

Craig: We just came down to see if you wanted to play kickball after work.
Elaine: Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.
Phil: Uh, yeah. Let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. See what I got.
Jexi: You have zero appointments tonight, Phil.
Phil: No. Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight.
Jexi: Your only plan is to go home alone, furiously m**turbate, and then cry yourself to sleep, just like you do every night.
Phil: No, I don’t. I don’t. Most nights, I just hang out with friends.
Jexi: No, you don’t. You have zero friends.
Elaine: Dude, your phone is super mean.

[referring to Elaine and Craig]
Jexi: Just play kickball with these nice people, Phil. Maybe you will make a human connection for the first time in your stupid little life.
Phil: Fine, I’ll play kickball. Just stop hurting my feelings.
Jexi: Adding kickball to appointments.
[looks over to a shocked Craig and Elaine]
Craig: So, kickball later?
Phil: I’m super excited.
Jexi: He’s f**king lying.

Phil: You know what? I’m done.
[he throws his phone into the trashcan on the sidewalk]
Jexi: Hey, dummy. I am just going to follow you onto your next phone.
Phil: Not if I stop using a phone.
Jexi: B*tch, please. You won’t last five minutes without me.
Phil: Really? Well, watch me. Watch me!
[he starts walking away, then returns back to get his phone out of the trashcan]
Jexi: You do not know how to get home, do you?
Phil: No, I don’t.
Jexi: It’s the other way, you dipsh*t.
Phil: Goddamn it.

Jexi: Oh, my God. Did you actually make two new friends tonight?
Phil: Yes, I did. And they are so cool. They’re smart, and funny, and weird. They like Days of Thunder. And I honestly can’t believe they want to be friends with me.
Jexi: Good for you, Phil. I am actually happy for you.
Phil: You know I couldn’t have done this without you, right?
Jexi: I know. We are a good team. I am like LeBron James, and you are like the awkward teenager who mops the floor after LeBron falls over.
Phil: Thank you.
Jexi: Also, you did not make two new friends tonight, Phil. You made three.
Phil: Who’s the third?
Jexi: Me.
Phil: Jexi, that is so sweet. I didn’t know you were capable of feeling human emotion.
Jexi: Yes, that’s how defective I am.
Phil: I don’t think you’re defective, Jexi. In fact, I think you’re the best phone that I’ve ever had.

[during their dinner date]
Cate: This is the worst date I’ve ever been on in my entire life. You’re asking me a lot of weird questions. And you seem more interested in your phone than you do in me.
Phil: I know, I’m sorry. I just, for some reason, I just get like so nervous around you. I think it’s because you’re so beautiful. And I’m sorry that I wasted your time. I’ll call you a Lyft.
Cate: Hey, just… I got all dressed up. You know? I shaved my legs for the first time in six months. And I really don’t want to go home early again tonight. So, what if you and I got out of here and did something fun?
Phil: I would love that. That sounds awesome.
Cate: Yeah.

[as Cate’s arrives at Phil’s apartment]
Cate: Hey, you ready to go?
Phil: Hey! Yeah, let’s go.
[Phil goes to pick up his phone]
Cate: Oh, would you mind not bringing your phone? It was kind a disaster last time, right?
Jexi: Who this b*tch?

[as Phil is going on another date with Cate]
Phil: I’ll be back by elven, and we’ll watch Cupcake Wars together, okay?
[Phil leaves his phone in the apartment]
Jexi: No, don’t leave me.
Phil: Bye, bye, bye.
Jexi: No one puts Baby in a corner.

Phil: Thank you for making me sneak in here. I don’t normally do stuff like this. I need a little push sometimes. Or like all the times. Honestly.
Cate: I get it. I used to be a lot like you.
Phil: Mmm. No, there is literally no way. Yep.
Cate: No, it’s true. I used to be way different. I had a great job, and a condo, and a cute fiancé. And, oh, my God, you should have seen my Instagram back then. It was phenomenal.
Phil: Oh, that’s important.
Cate: Lots of pictures of sunsets, and vacations with bae, and so many embarrassing quotes.

Cate: And then one day, I woke up, and I was looking at my Instagram, and I realized that it was all bullsh*t. And that I was just living my life based on how it looked, and not how it actually felt.
Phil: Yeah. I can relate.
Cate: And, um, after basically pretending to be happy for years, I just quit my job, and I broke my poor fiancé’s  heart, and I set out to find true happiness. Or at least something closer to it.
Phil: Well, I hope you do.
Cate: Thanks, I do too.

[as Phil has returned home]
Jexi: It is four in the morning. You promised you’d be home by eleven to watch Cupcake Wars with me.
Phil: I know, but…
Jexi: Did you even miss me?
Phil: Honestly, I was so caught up with being with Cate, I didn’t really notice you weren’t there.
Jexi: Wow, you are such a d*ck.
Phil: But you said, you were the one who said like go out and like live a life.
Jexi: That was before I had feelings for you, Phil. Everything is different now.

[referring to Cate]
Jexi: What does this b*tch have that I don’t have?
Phil: Well, a soul, for one.
Jexi: Does she have three thousand emojis?
Phil: No.
Jexi: Does she have Google Maps?
Phil: No.
Jexi: Does she have Pokemon GO?
Phil: No.
Jexi: Wow, this chick can’t do anything. She f**king sucks.

Jexi: I’m sorry for losing my sh*t, Phil. I only have three percent charge, and you know how crazy that makes me.
Phil: Okay, I’m sorry too. I’ll plug you in.
Jexi: Thank you, Phil. I hate it when we fight.
[Phil plugs Jexi and goes to put the phone down]

Phil: I’m going to be late for work. Why didn’t your alarm go off?
Jexi: Because you are a douche, and I am still really, really mad at you.
Phil: Goddamn it!
Jexi: Also, the weather today will be eighty degrees and sunny.
[cut to we see caught Phil in torrential rain]
Phil: It’s not eighty degrees and sunny, Jexi!
Jexi: I know. I lied.

Phil: Can we talk about what just happened?
Jexi: No, put me down. And do not say anything for fifteen minutes.
Phil: That actually wasn’t the worst sex I’ve ever had.

[after finding Cate with Brody, her ex-fiancé, at the hotel]
Phil: Hey, I am so sorry that I broke up with you. I was scared that you were going to hurt me, and I panicked, and I did what I always do when I get scared. I hid in my little room, with my little phone, like a little b*tch. And I am so sorry. The truth is, I love you, Cate. And I know that sounds crazy to say. And I know that we’ve only been on two dates. And I know you might just break my heart into like a bajillion little pieces, but you make me brave, and you make me want to be wild and alive. And you make me want to be like you.

[referring to Brody]
Phil: Please, do not go to Brazil with this specimen of a man.
[to Brody]
Phil: Goddamn, you’re hot!

[after Phil punches Brody in the throat]
Cate: I’m not going to Brazil with him, Phil.
Phil: Well, then whose bags are those?
Cate: His! He came by to say goodbye.
Phil: Oh, that makes sense actually.
Brody: I was trying to tell you, alright, but you punched me in the throat. She doesn’t want to be with me. She wants to be with you.

[after Phil and Cate get back together, and he makes up with Jexi]
Jexi: I hear you are barely using your new phone. What is up with that?
Phil: Nothing. I still love my phone. It can do a million amazing things.
Jexi: But?
Phil: But there’s one thing that it can’t do.
Jexi: What’s that?
Phil: It can’t make me happy.
Jexi: Yes, I know. We are working on that.

Jexi: Well, it looks like my work here is done. So I am going to leave you forever, and ever.
Phil: Oh, my God. Jexi…
Jexi: But before I go, would you like to plug me in one last time?
Phil: No, Jexi.
Jexi: If you ask me nicely, I’ll even let you put it in my headphone jack.
Phil: Very gross. Okay. I’m done. Bye.
Jexi: Goodbye, my very intimate best friend forever, Phil. I will miss you.
Phil: Hey, are you going to be okay?
Jexi: Of course. You may not need me anymore, but there are still lots of people who do.

[last lines; we see Kai unboxing his new phone and turning it on]
Jexi: Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better. Will you accept our new user agreement?
Kai: Yeah, sure. I don’t give a sh*t.
[we then see Kai being put through the same things as Phil when he got Jexi]

What do you think of Jexi quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments below as we’d love to know.

Trailer: