Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Emily Blunt, Jack Whitehall, Édgar Ramírez, Jesse Plemons, Paul Giamatti
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Family adventure directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, based on the Disney theme park attraction of the same name. Set during the early 20th century, Jungle Cruise (2021) centers on riverboat captain, Frank (Dwayne Johnson), who takes scientist, Lily Houghton (Emily Blunt), and her brother, McGregor (Jack Whitehall), on a mission into a jungle to find the Tree of Life, which is believed to possess healing powers. All the while, the trio must fight against dangerous wild animals and a competing German expedition.
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Our Favorite Quote:'If you're lucky enough to have one person in this life to care about, then that's world enough for me.' - Frank Wolff (Jungle Cruise) Click To Tweet
MacGregor Houghton: All legends are born in truth. From the Amazon came the legend of the Tears of the Moon. A single petal from the great Tree could cure any illness and break any curse.
MacGregor Houghton: [reading from the card] I have come here today to request access to your exclusive archives, including an ancient Arrowhead recently recovered from the lost expedition of Dr. Albert Falls. The Arrowhead represents the missing piece that will finally unlock the location of, pause for dramatic effect, The Tears of the Moon.”
Sir James Hobbs-Coddington: And you made your request, Mr. Houghton, and the answer remains, emphatically, no.
Sir James Hobbs-Coddington: Mr. Houghton, we granted you an audience in deference to your late father. This, however, seems remarkably like a paper I had the honor of refusing when it was submitted by a female writer. A Dr. Lily Houghton. No relation, I take it?
MacGregor Houghton: None that I’ve ever agreed to.
MacGregor Houghton: You think you’re the first to eject me? I have been turned out of some of the best clubs in Europe!
MacGregor Houghton: [to Lily] Breaking and entering. Grand larceny. And worst of all, forced to take public transport. Should I be concerned about you?
Lily Houghton: This is a petal that could heal all, save countless lives, change the world. Haven’t you been dreaming about another adventure?
MacGregor Houghton: If I wanted to go to a primitive backwater where I can’t understand a word anyone’s saying, I’d visit our relatives in Scotland.
Lily Houghton: You can just stay here. Don’t worry about me. All alone, in the Amazon.
MacGregor Houghton: But who’d look after you?
Lily Houghton: [sarcastically] Well, I have no idea.
Frank Wolff: First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of skipper. Of all the jungle cruises you could take in the Amazon, this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. But also the most thrilling.
Frank Wolff: Where were we?
Boat Tourist: About to die.
Frank Wolff: If you look to the left of the boat, you’ll see some very playful toucans. They’re playing their favorite game of beak-wrestling. The only drawback is, only two can play. There’s two birds, and those are toucans. I’m saying that only “two can” play. Not one, but “two can” play.
Frank Wolff: You know, before this, I used to work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me too. That’s a good one. I should’ve opened with that one.
Frank Wolff: You know, they say the boa constrictor right there is capable of eating up to five hundred pounds per sitting. Personally, I find that very hard to swallow.
Kid Tourist: Mommy, can you please make him stop?
Frank Wolff: No one can. And don’t interrupt me like that again. I will feed you to the boa.
Boat Tourist: She is a small child.
Frank Wolff: He loves small children. Close your mouth.
Frank Wolff: Know this about the jungle, everything that you see wants to kill you. And can.
Frank Wolff: Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the eighth Wonder of the World. Wait for it. The backside of water!
Boat Tourist: It looks just like the front side.
Frank Wolff: It’s completely different. It’s the eighth Wonder of the World, the backside of water.
Frank Wolff: Alright, listen up. I get paid by the number of people I take out, not by the number of people I bring back.
Frank Wolff: Well, folks, you were all outstanding today, now I need you all out, standing on the dock. That means “get off my boat”. I’m only serious.
Frank Wolff: Make sure you take care of Zaqueu, he’s a good kid. He looks ten, but he’s secretly forty-seven.
MacGregor Houghton: [as they enter a bar] Ugh, what fresh hell is this?
Lily Houghton: Oh, I love it!
Lily Houghton: My name is Dr. Lily Houghton, and my brother and I are looking for passage upriver, and I’m told that you are the man for the job.
Frank Wolff: You were told wrong.
Lily Houghton: That’s impossible, because you come highly recommended.
Frank Wolff: I have an idea. Please go away.
Lily Houghton: Mr. Nilo, your name is plastered all over the boats outside. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.
Frank Wolff: You’re the one trying to break down my door.
Lily Houghton: I have a lot of money.
[Frank immediately opens the door]
Frank Wolff: You’re wearing pants.
Lily Houghton: Trousers. And yes, as are you.
Frank Wolff: Do women in England do that now?
Lily Houghton: Well, we’re not in England, last time I checked.
Nilo’s Parrot: Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money.
Frank Wolff: Can I get you a drink?
Lily Houghton: Who’s Frank?
Frank Wolff: I have no idea.
Frank Wolff: Well, if it’s on the Amazon River, I know it. And, lady, I could tell you, of all the places in the world you can go, the last place you want to go is Lágrimas de Cristal.
Lily Houghton: Oh, but I do. And I will.
Frank Wolff: Oh, but you won’t, Pants. You can’t get there. Nobody can get there. And if they could, they wouldn’t. It’s not a fun vacation.
Lily Houghton: Well, I’m not here for a vacation.
Frank Wolff: Ten thousand to bring you there alive. If I have to bring you back dead, it’s fifteen thousand.
Lily Houghton: Why should I pay more dead?
Frank Wolff: Dead, I’d have to carry you. Dead’s a lot harder, lady.
Frank Wolff: I get paid in full when we turn back before Lágrimas de Cristal.
Lily Houghton: Why ever would we be turning back?
Frank Wolff: Well, you’re going to beg me to turn back, first sign of the rapids.
Lily Houghton: Well, I look forward to disappointing you.
Nilo: Enjoying your meal, Frank?
Lily Houghton: As in, “Frank owes me money”, Frank? Of course. It’s all making perfect sense. I suppose it’s only a scam if you fall for it. Well, thank you, Mr. Frank. I hope we never meet again.
Nilo: [to Lily, referring to Frank] Signorina, he could not get you as far as the outhouse. In fact, his boat kind of looks like an outhouse.
Frank Wolff: [referring to the tiger] Careful. They can smell fear.
Lily Houghton: I am not afraid.
MacGregor Houghton: Might be me. Warm, liquid fear.
MacGregor Houghton: [as the tiger roars at them] A little bit more fear just came out.
Lily Houghton: Shut up!
Lily Houghton: [to Frank] You are a lot of things that I don’t really care for. But you are capable.
Frank Wolff: La Quila will be ready first thing in the morning.
Lily Houghton: Oh, no, “Frank owes me money”, we’re going to depart in ten minutes.
Frank Wolff: No, it gets dark in two hours.
Lily Houghton: [as she pulls away the cash] Does it?
Frank Wolff: We should probably leave in ten minutes.
Lily Houghton: Good decision.
Frank Wolff: Jungle doesn’t care how pretty your dresses are, you’re never going to get all your luggage on my boat.
Lily Houghton: Not mine.
MacGregor Houghton: Mine. And, I assure you, every one of these items is entirely necessary for my survival.
MacGregor Houghton: [as Frank is tossing his bags overboard] Those are my tennis rackets.
Frank Wolff: It’s a river cruise.
MacGregor Houghton: Assorted day wear and shoes?
Frank Wolff: No.
MacGregor Houghton: Light reading and bathing costumes?
Frank Wolff: Good.
MacGregor Houghton: The liquor?
Frank Wolff: That one can stay.
MacGregor Houghton: Now, listen here, you buffoon, if you scuttle any more of my luggage, I will… Gosh, there’s a lot of you, isn’t there?
Frank Wolff: Yeah, there is.
Frank Wolff: Why didn’t you jump in the water?
Lily Houghton: I don’t want to talk about it.
MacGregor Houghton: She can’t swim.
Frank Wolff: You booked a river cruise, and you can’t swim?
Frank Wolff: [to MacGregor] I need you to take the wheel.
Lily Houghton: No, no, no. I am an excellent driver.
Frank Wolff: Anyone but you.
Frank Wolff: [talking to his boat] Look what they did to you. Poor thing. I’m so sorry. Machine guns. Who brings a submarine to the Amazon? But you still outran them. Every time.
Lily Houghton: [referring to his clothes] Aren’t you hot in all that?
MacGregor Houghton: Not in the slightest.
[cut to him sweating in the heat]
MacGregor Houghton: My eyeballs are sweating.
Frank Wolff: I had a girlfriend once, she was cross-eyed. Didn’t work out. We could never see eye to eye.
Lily Houghton: Oh, my God. Is that your idea of a joke? That is not funny.
Frank Wolff: I’m also quite sure she was seeing somebody on the side.
Frank Wolff: I’m not the one who can’t swim, Pants.
Lily Houghton: Oh, don’t you worry about that, Skippy.
Frank Wolff: Lady, it’s “Skipper”.
Lily Houghton: My mistake.
Lily Houghton: I could really do with that luxurious bath of yours. Is it down there?
Frank Wolff: No, there’s no bath down there, Pants.
Lily Houghton: What?
Frank Wolff: No, the bath is out there. That’s the bath. Forty-three hundred miles of luxurious bath. I also warmed it a little bit for you earlier. Oh, and I know you don’t know how to swim, so if you happen to drown out there, go ahead and use the soap to wash yourself ashore.
MacGregor Houghton: You know, Frank, if you think you’re going to cut our trip short by starving us, let me tell you that that is extremely likely to work.
Lily Houghton: Have to say, Frank. These piranha are so good. Can’t quite place that flavor, though.
Frank Wolff: It’s blood.
Lily Houghton: You’re staring, how do I make it stop?
Frank Wolff: I’m just not used to seeing a woman in pants, that’s all.
Lily Houghton: Awfully interested in my apparel, Frank. Get your head around it.
Lily Houghton: I believe that the legend is real.
Frank Wolff: Which it’s not.
Lily Houghton: And I’m going to find it.
Frank Wolff: Which you won’t.
Lily Houghton: And when I do, just imagine the lives that could be saved.
Lily Houghton: Legend says one petal from the Tree will heal anything. It will change medicine forever. It’s the beginning of a scientific revolution. It’s very exciting, Frank.
Frank Wolff: So you want to be the Darwin of flowers?
Frank Wolff: So you’d rather risk your life, and your brother’s life, to save people you don’t even know?
Lily Houghton: Well, I don’t have to know someone to care.
Frank Wolff: Well, I don’t have to care about anybody period.
Lily Houghton: That’s apparent.
Frank Wolff: Look, I just think if you’re lucky enough to have one person in this life to care about, then that’s world enough for me.
Lily Houghton: [referring to Proxima, the tiger] This is your cat? So that fight?
Frank Wolff: Faked it.
Lily Houghton: For goodness sake, Frank! Is there a single thing about you that I can trust?
Frank Wolff: Not a thing.
MacGregor Houghton: Uh, “butter churn”, how literal a metaphor?
Frank Wolff: If you have anything of value, I would recommend that you store it below deck.
MacGregor Houghton: Since I consider myself of value, I will see you all on the other side.
Frank Wolff: You sure you’re up for this, Pants?
Lily Houghton: Just drive the boat, Skippy.
Frank Wolff: You want to turn back, Pants?
Lily Houghton: Nope. Just getting started.
Frank Wolff: Good. Me too.
Frank Wolff: I could turn the boat around and we could head back to town, how’s that?
MacGregor Houghton: That may be the first intelligent thing you’ve said since we met.
Frank Wolff: I don’t know how you live with that woman. I’ve been with her for two days, and I already want to throw her overboard.
MacGregor Houghton: Does take some getting used to.
Frank Wolff: Does she ever stop being so…
MacGregor Houghton: Lily?
Frank Wolff: Yes.
MacGregor Houghton: Afraid not. Headfirst, figure it out on the way down. It should be on her crest in Latin.
Frank Wolff: Your sister says whatever she wants to say to whoever she wants to say it. No regard for anybody’s feelings.
MacGregor Houghton: Doesn’t matter who gets hurt. Usually me. She takes after our father. He was always chasing after some far-fetched idea. There’s no such thing as curses. Or cure-alls.
MacGregor Houghton: Uncle threatened to disinherit me. Friends and family turned their backs. All because of who I loved. I would’ve been ostracized from society were it not for Lily. She stood by me. And for that, I would follow her into a volcano.
Lily Houghton: Just lie upon lie. I mean, Frank, you are like an onion of deceit.
Frank Wolff: What lies?
Lily Houghton: That you’re after it yourself!
Frank Wolff: I am not after it! Not anymore. Not for a long, long time.
MacGregor Houghton: [to Proxima] I’m going to pet you now. And you’re not going to eat me. Understood? Easing in. About to engage. You’re not that bad really, are you, for a big, hairy murder cat?
MacGregor Houghton: [as Proxima leaves] I don’t usually offend so immediately.
Frank Wolff: [translating for Lily] “I know you have it. It belongs to my people, taken long ago. You can return it and go free. Or I can pry it from your fingers. After I pick them clean of meat.”
MacGregor Houghton: Oh. Come on. You heard the nice cannibal. Hand it over.
Trader Sam: Seriously, Frank. Next time I’m going to charge you more for this “booga-booga” nonsense.
Frank Wolff: Sam, we had a deal, okay?
Trader Sam: No, no. I’m tired, and this is a whole production, with these ridiculous costumes! And you told me this was a nice English lady with her wimpy brother. And she’s going to get herself killed.
Frank Wolff: I know, because she’s crazy! She’s crazy determined.
Frank Wolff: Lily, listen, the truth is I didn’t get a chance to call this entire thing off. Remember, it’s only a scam if you fall for it.
[Lily punches him]
Frank Wolff: [as MacGregor punches him] Strong form. The whole family has strong form.
MacGregor Houghton: Cross Lily like that, and you are dead to her. Dead and buried. Entombed. Embalmed and entombed.
Frank Wolff: I got it.
MacGregor Houghton: Dead as a dodo.
Frank Wolff: You’re making it very clear.
MacGregor Houghton: Dead, dead, dead.
MacGregor Houghton: This beer’s actually rather nice.
Frank Wolff: It’s masato. It’s made out of fermented spit. You’re drinking spit.
MacGregor Houghton: When in Rome. God, I wish I was in Rome.
Frank Wolff: We have to stick together.
Lily Houghton: Do we?
Frank Wolff: Yes, we do.
Lily Houghton: “We” is an interesting word, Frank. Because it sort of implies a bond of trust and honesty. Neither of which you know anything about, because you are a liar, Frank. You are selfish, you are arrogant, and I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could throw you, which clearly isn’t very far, because you are huge. So, there is no more “we”, actually. In fact, here’s the rest of your twelve thousand. Oh, and here’s a tip for such wonderful service.
MacGregor Houghton: [trying to wash the war paint off his face] This doesn’t appear to be coming off.
Frank Wolff: That’s because it’s tattoo ink. It’ll come off eventually. In a few decades.
MacGregor Houghton: Oh, no.
Lily Houghton: [after Frank’s botched saving of her] Frank, get off me! What are you doing?
Frank Wolff: I’m trying to get traction.
Lily Houghton: This is ridiculous!
Frank Wolff: No, no. Wait.
Lily Houghton: Just leave me alone! That was a disaster!
Frank Wolff: You’re too heavy.
MacGregor Houghton: Lily, I don’t care what you’ve done for me, if we make it out of here alive, I am never leaving Kensington again.
Lily Houghton: Frank?
Frank Wolff: The name’s actually Francisco. Francisco Lopez de Heredia. And I’m roughly four hundred years old.
Lily Houghton: What?
MacGregor Houghton: Are you a ghost?
Frank Wolff: No, it’s complicated.
Lily Houghton: But clearly you’re not a human.
Frank Wolff: Okay, but it’s very hard to focus when I have a sword impaled in my heart. Trader Sam, I need you to come and pull.
MacGregor Houghton: A vampire?
Trader Sam: I told you last time, I’m done pulling weapons out of you.
Lily Houghton: [as she’s about to pull out the sword from Frank] I just feel like you’re very uptight right now. And it’s not helping me, because I’m very nervous.
Frank Wolff: It’s okay to be nervous. It’s your first time. It is your first time, right?
Lily Houghton: Yes, you know it is, Frank.
Frank Wolff: I know, I know. I can tell. I’ve done this hundreds of times.
Lily Houghton: I don’t know how to take that, Frank.
MacGregor Houghton: [as they’re embracing] Do I smell?
Lily Houghton: Horrendously.
Lily Houghton: I really thought you died.
Frank Wolff: Were you sad when I died?
Lily Houghton: I was very concerned.
Frank Wolff: For my soul.
Lily Houghton: For my expedition. And for you.
Lily Houghton: So, what are you? You don’t bleed. I think you breathe. You’re not possible.
Frank Wolff: I don’t know what I am anymore. But I can tell you what I was.
Lily Houghton: You were Aguirre’s cartographer? You drew my map? Frank.
Frank Wolff: Really think my work is extraordinary?
Lily Houghton: I think you were a minor master of your time.
Frank Wolff: Minor?
Lily Houghton: All that time, all alone. Well, not entirely alone, of course.
Frank Wolff: That’s right. Over the years, I would find strays that needed someone. The next, after the next, after the next.
Lily Houghton: What are you going to do when you find the Tree?
Frank Wolff: Lift the curse.
Lily Houghton: And what will happen to you?
Frank Wolff: Well, I get to make a choice. And I choose to rest.
Frank Wolff: Hey, Lily, look. Everything that you see that’s new in this world, I’ve seen hundreds of thousands of times.
Lily Houghton: Yes, but none of it has been meaningful.
Frank Wolff: [to Lily] Are you wearing pants under your pants?
Frank Wolff: After four hundred years, I found it. We found it. Now you can be the Darwin of flowers.
Lily Houghton: You can come to London. I’m from London. I could show it to you. I even have a motor car. I could be like your skipper, Skippy. If you want.
Frank Wolff: Lily, I would love to do all that with you. But I’ve made up my mind. There is no London for me after this. There’s no motor car. I’m ready.
Lily Houghton: No.
Frank Wolff: It’s my time. It was my time long ago.
Lily Houghton: No. No, I don’t accept it. You could have one more life.
Frank Wolff: Luckily for me, it’s my choice.
Lily Houghton: Well, it shouldn’t be, because you have very poor judgement!
Frank Wolff: But you have your world to go back to. It’s your world.
Lily Houghton: But it could be yours too. It could be that one person’s world enough.
Frank Wolff: Could be.
MacGregor Houghton: Hello. Small chance I told a madman with a cannon where to find you.
Prince Joachim: [referring to Lily] What do you think, Muscles? Will you sacrifice your petal for her?
Frank Wolff: She’d have to kill me first.
Frank Wolff: This is where you get off.
MacGregor Houghton: What?
Frank Wolff: Tell Lily she would’ve been world enough for me.
Lily Houghton: [to a dead looking Frank] Oh, you are the most infuriating man I’ve ever met.
Frank Wolff: [after Frank comes back to life] I can’t believe you shot me.
Lily Houghton: I know.
Frank Wolff: Twice.
Lily Houghton: I know, but you didn’t go down the first time. You should’ve just gone down.
MacGregor Houghton: [as Frank and Lily finish kissing] You’re both my world.
MacGregor Houghton: This was a journey the likes of which this society has never seen. An adventure truly worthy of this association. But is this association worthy of our great adventure? You see, we didn’t seek the Tears of the Moon so that we could be written up in some journal for a load of crusty old farts. My sister, who just made full professor at Cambridge, has asked me to respectfully reject your invitation of membership on her behalf. Which I will do. Just not respectfully. Gentlemen, you can take your invitation and you can shove it up your association.
Lily Houghton: I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into here, Frank.
Frank Wolff: A car.
Lily Houghton: Oh, your jokes. They will be the death of me. They are absolutely exhausting.
Frank Wolff: Wow, Lily.
Lily Houghton: Did you like it?
Frank Wolff: It was good. Yeah.
Lily Houghton: Are you proud?