Starring: Adam Sandler, Bill Burr, Cecily Strong, Jason Alexander, Sadie Sandler, Sunny Sandler, Rob Schneider, Jo Koy, Jackie Sandler, Heidi Gardner, Robert Smigel, Nick Swardson, Stephanie Hsu, Nicholas Turturro
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Netflix animated musical comedy directed by Robert Marianetti, Robert Smigel, and David Wachtenheim. Leo (2023) follows jaded 74-year-old lizard Leo (Sandler) who has been stuck in the same Florida classroom for decades with his terrarium-mate turtle (Bill Burr). When he learns he only has one year left to live, he plans to escape to experience life on the outside, but instead gets caught up in the problems of his anxious students, including an impossibly mean substitute teacher. It ends up being the strangest but most rewarding bucket list ever.
Where to Watch:
Best Quotes
Squirtle: Hey. You know the fifthe grade starts tomorrow again.
Leo: What?! Does that mean we have to get up at eight?
Squirtle: Oh, calm down. You slept ninety percent of the summer.
Squirtle: Alright, another year, another batch of fifth-grade head cases.
Squirtle: Look at this. Bunch of motormouths.
Leo: Yep. Same old, same old. There’s the snotty clique.
Squirtle: The Tween Queens.
Leo: The Facade Squad.
Squirtle: Peaking at eleven. Of course, the “always sick and should’ve stayed home” kid.
Leo: Always one.
Squirtle: There’s the class clown who secretly despises himself.
Squirtle: Jeez, how many Coles this year?
Leo: Reminds me of the Justin avalanche of 1991.
Squirtle: God forbid we ever see a Richie again.
Mrs. Salinas: [to the students] I hope everyone’s met our class pets, Leonardo and Squirtle.
Jayda: I’m not touching those things.
Logan: Don’t they eat, sleep, and poo in the same place?
Squirtle: [points to Leo] Hey! I poo where he sleeps.
Mrs. Salinas: [to the students] Who’s heard of Charlotte’s Web?
Leo: Oh, no. The kids always cry at the end.
Squirtle: Like kids don’t cry enough? We got to trigger the little garden hoses? Crying is for weaklings.
Leo: Right.
Leo: [referring to Charlott’s Web] It’s a stupid book anyway.
Squirtle: Right. Animals never talk to people.
Leo: Plus, no one gets to eat Charlotte. You just have to hear about this delicious spider for days and get hungry thinking about it.
Skyler’s Dad: Look at these lazy class pets. Do they even move? I’d like that job.
Squirtle: [to Leo] I mean, you’re old, and cranky, and lazy, but no way does that make you seventy-five.
'That's what great teachers do. With the little time they have, they try to make a difference.' - Leo Share on X
Leo: How many years has it been since 1949?
Squirtle: No idea. That’s addition. They learn that in second grade. We’re all about fractions.
Leo: Great. Why can’t they move us around a little, so we can know more?
Squirtle: What are you doing?
Leo: Trying to count how many years old I am. 1968, 1969, 1970. I’m out of toes and fingers. What else can I count with?
Squirtle: I’d tell you, but there’s kids around.
Squirtle: [breaking the fourth wall] I was talking about his tail.
Leo: Hey, guys, how was your summer? Do anything fun?
Mouse: Sleep.
Frog: Sleep.
Snake: Eat.
Goldfish: Lot of pooping.
Cinnabun: I’m Cinnabun. I know. So corny. Just got renamed again.
Leo: Oh. Well, beats “Thumper”.
Cinnabun: I guess. What’s bad are the Hare ones. Hare Brain, Hare Piece, Hare-y Potter…
Anthony: [mockingly] “I’m a lizard! Ooh.”
Squirtle: [to Leo, who’s got his back to the boy] That’s good. Don’t dignify it.
Leo: Doesn’t matter. I’m doomed. I’m seventy-four seventy-fifths dead.
Squirtle: What? That’s not for class pets.
Squirtle: When you’re in captivity, seventy-five is the new seventy. And, hey, you want to live so bad, maybe a little exercise wouldn’t kill you.
Leo: Like what?
Squirtle: Blinking’s good. That’d be a start.
Leo: I blink.
Squirtle: Barely.
'Life gets more difficult the older we get. It's called growing up.' - Ms. Malkin (Leo) Share on X
Leo: It’s too late. I blew it. I wasted my life! And now, it’s almost over.
Mrs. Salinas: Guys, you don’t have to be afraid of change. Change is a beautiful part of life.
Leo: Don’t you get it? This is my shot. So I go with one of these kids, case the house for open windows, then when I’m alone, zip! I escape.
Squirtle: Ha. You couldn’t zip when you were twenty.
Leo: I’m zipping. And then I really live. Maybe climb a tree. Swim in a sewer. See the Everglades.
Squirtle: The Everglades? With those untamed animals? Are you nuts? You know they don’t even have names, right? It’s anarchy. You think a rock potato like you can survive there? You’ll spend your last days hiding in a beer can.
Summer: I don’t want the pets to feel not wanted because everybody wants to fit in and shouldn’t be judged on their looks, or species, or size of their foreheads.
Squirtle: Listen, when you’re out there in the wild, and those animals come after you, remember to change your colors and blend in!
Leo: That’s chameleons. I’m not a chameleon.
Squirtle: Oh, well, then you’re a dead man.
Summer: Wait. Where are you? This is a nightmare! Now I’m going to be the kid who killed the lizard, no matter what I do in my life. Whether I do drama, or I want to be a doctor. Well, I’m never going to be a doctor now. I could work at the DMV. Hopefully, the one next to Quiznos because I don’t want to go far from my parents.
Leo: Mother of Godzilla!
Summer: What was that? Well? Who said that? The wall? Walls don’t talk. Why would a wall say anything?
Summer: [as Leo puts his hands on her mouth] Why are your hands wet?
Leo: They’re naturally moist.
Leo: You’re the only one who can hear me.
Summer: Oh. Then why are you whispering?
Leo: Because you were, and it sounded fun.
'When people share stuff, they feel better.' - Leo Share on X
Summer: Thanks, Leonardo.
Leo: Call me Leo. Less Ninja Turtley.
Squirtle: [sarcastically] Oh, back already? You saw the whole world in one weekend? Wow. Hey, how were the Everglades? How high was the Eiffel Tower? What was the Pope like?
Leo: [to Squirtle scratching his butt on the rock] Could you not do that on my pillow?
Leo: [referring to Summer] She likes me. She thought I was fun.
Squirtle: You fun? What did you do, turn your head more than once? Oh, what a showman.
Leo: Get all your mean jokes in now, because the next kid who takes me home is the last kid.
Squirtle: Sure they are, Mr. Chicken-to-leave.
Leo: Whatever you say, Mr. Wants-to-get-bitten.
Squirtle: Oh, I’m shaking, Mr. Almost-as-brave-as-Scooby Doo.
Ms. Malkin: [deliberately] You do not want demerits.
Skyler: What’s a demerit?
Cole: I think he played for the Clippers.
Leo: [to Eli’s dog] You’re dressed like a 1950s astronaut, and I’m the weird one? Oh, now you’re threatening me, Doodlepoo?
'Do you ever feel like time's running out, and this is all we're ever going to know?' - Miniature Horse (Leo) Share on X
Leo: [to Eli, referring to him talking] But you can’t tell anyone. They’ll try to kill me like E.T.
Leo: Yes, I’m back.
Squirtle: Where’s your tail? You escaping one limb at a time?
Leo: Just give me some space. I got hit in the jellybeans.
Leo: I’m talking to you to give advice.
Jayda: I don’t need advice. I’m awesome.
Leo: No, you’re miserable.
Jayda: Wait. What?
Jayda: You don’t get what being awesome is like.
Leo: But you’re not.
Jayda: I’m what?
Leo: Brace yourself. Not that great.
Miniature Horse: What are you looking at, boss? You got a problem with compact legs?
Leo: What?
Miniature Horse: You think you got it so great out there? What do you do in the box?
Leo: I molt. Occasional blinking.
Miniature Horse: Alright. Alright. I’m sorry, brother. We’re fighting the same fight. I mean, the only fun I’ve ever had was biting some of that guy’s fingers off.
Leo: I got to tell you, the truth is, no animal wants to be locked inside.
'You're great. But no one's that great. We're all just people and lizards.' - Leo Share on X
Squirtle: Again? Whatever happened to zipping?
Leo: Oh, you’ll know when I zip. I’ll be in the Everglades dining on maggots you can only dream about.
Squirtle: You’re talking to them. That’s why you keep coming back.
Leo: What? No. Just a little bit.
Leo: These kids are all benefiting from my insights before I drop dead.
Squirtle: Okay, so it’s about your ego.
Leo: That’s not what this is. It’s about sharing my seventy-four years of wisdom
to help these kids with their issues. Whether it’s breaking up with the drone, or having hand-me-down pants.
Squirtle: Oh, boo-freaking-hoo. I had to wear my sister’s shell till I was sixteen.
Leo: [referring to the hair on TJ’s back] First one? Usually, it’s in the front, but very nice. You’re growing up.
Leo: You sound like a young Bee Gee.
Cole: A what?
Leo: How about The Weeknd? Know him?
Mia: I’m sorry, but lizards do not talk. Parrots, macaws, songbirds, and certain killer whales.
Leo: Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.
'I didn't know how to help. So I just listened, and that helped.' - Leo Share on X
Squirtle: Wow. So you got this E.T. scam going. Got every kid thinking he’s Elliott? This is going to end badly.
Leo: All I know is that these kids will remember me.
Leo: My funeral is going to be packed with fond remembrances and anecdotes.
Squirtle: Yeah, good for you and your last week’s vocabulary words. And, buddy, that funeral could come sooner than you think.
Anthony: Of course I’m a bully. I don’t know what else to do. I’m just different. I’m not smart.
Squirtle: No. Everyone’s smart in some way. You’re just afraid of trying and looking not smart. That’s textbook.
Anthony: What’s a textbook?
Squirtle: You know what? Never mind.
Squirtle: That’s very class bully. Tough on the outside, a self-hating pile of cottage cheese on the inside.
Anthony: Can you just tell me?
Squirtle: Oh. About babies? Sure. Here we go. First, the daddy climbs on the mommy’s back while she’s swimming in the water. The daddy reaches under the mommy to find her cloaca. This goes on for about twenty-four hours. Then the mommy comes ashore to make a nest, and deposits her eggs in the sand.
Anthony: My mom made eggs in the sand?
Squirtle: Yes. So the fish don’t eat them.
'This is a tough time, but these are the best years. Believe me. Enjoy not knowing everything.' - Leo - photo Share on X
Leo: Enjoy being a kid. You’re a good one.
Anthony: Do you miss being a kid?
Leo: I’m just glad I’m still here.
Squirtle: Was this your dying wish? To turn a bunch of brats against me?
Leo: It’s not about us. It’s about the kids.
Ms. Malkin: Well, Principal Spahn, in the classroom, sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
Leo: You happy now? For ruining this?
Squirtle: I don’t know what happened. I must’ve butt-dialed you. I mean, butt-shot you.
Leo: You don’t even have a butt.
Squirtle: How dare you?
Squirtle: The only one he told about your unibrow, or that you still eat your boogers, was me. And I barely chuckled.
Skyler: What?
'After all, what's life, anyway? We're born. We live a little while. We die.' - Charlotte's Web (Leo) Share on X
Ms. Malkin: Don’t think you can analyze me. I’m an adult. Not a shrieking brat who thinks reading Canterbury Tales is torture.
Leo: It’s not torture?
Leo: She made you her family. That’s what great teachers do. Even substitutes. With the little time they have, they try to make a difference. And that’s what keeps them happy.
Eli: I’m Winston Churchill. “We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight them in the fields and in the streets. We shall never surrender, but we shall let them down
easy, with a nice letter. So they don’t lose their minds.”
Mia: They burned me, Joan of Arc, at the stake, but I am not afraid. Boo-freaking-hoo! Everyone’s got problems. I talked about it to a friend and felt a lot better.
Ms. Malkin: “Dear class. I’ve greatly enjoyed my time with you this year, but I wish to move on and finally see the world. I realize I broke your trust, and that can’t be fixed. But if you would be so kind, please keep our conversations secret, so that I’m not harassed, like E.T., or The Iron Giant, or Splash, or the classic, The Shape of Water. Simply attribute your success to Ms. Malkin, whose integrity is beyond reproach. Best Regards, Leo.”
'Remember, everyone's scared. So don't keep it to yourself. Find your Leo to talk to. It could be your teacher. Your mom. Your friend. Your turtle. They're ready to listen. I promise they'll make you feel better.' - Leo Share on X
Squirtle: [referring to Malkin and Leo] She took him, and I wanted to say something, but her and her vacuum, they gave me the stink eye. And I slipped on somebody else’s pee, and I flipped on my back, and this whole thing is my fault, because I got jealous of my best friend instead of just being happy for him. I used the camera phone to bust him, but now I got to bust you, Demeritface!
Squirtle: [referring to Leo] He just wanted to do something meaningful with the rest of his pathetic time, and he did it.
Leo: [to the other lizards drinking the water on the ground] Thanks, but a little too murky for me. How close are we to a drip tube? Seriously, the microorganisms will kill you. A kid told me that. You guys never heard of Louis Pasteur?