Starring: Seth Rogen, Charlize Theron, O’Shea Jackson Jr., Andy Serkis, June Diane Raphael, Bob Odenkirk, Alexander Skarsgård, Randall Park
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Comedy directed by Jonathan Levine. The story follows Fred Flarsky (Seth Rogen) a gifted and free-spirited journalist with an affinity for trouble, and Charlotte Field (Charlize Theron), one of the most influential women in the world. The two have nothing in common, except that she was his babysitter and childhood crush. When Fred unexpectedly reconnects with Charlotte, he charms her with his self-deprecating humor and his memories of her youthful idealism. As she prepares to make a run for the Presidency, Charlotte impulsively hires Fred as her speechwriter, much to the dismay of her trusted advisors. However, sparks fly as their unmistakable chemistry leads to a round-the-world romance and a series of unexpected and dangerous incidents.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 62)
Charlotte Field: Mr. President, have you given any consideration as to whom you might endorse? I’m sure you’re probably thinking of McNichol, or Crowly. Strong choices. It’s so strange, because I was considering a run in 2024. And I’ve been vetted. So that’s all done. And I can’t stop thinking about what it would do for your legacy to endorse the first female president. I mean, wow. That’s a legacy.
President Chambers: Charlotte?
Charlotte Field: Hm?
President Chambers: I would like to endorse you to be the next president of the United States.
Charlotte Field: I mean, if you think that’s a good idea, sir, I trust you. I’d be honored.
President Chambers: I’m going to be pulling for Team Charlotte. Right? Because you’ve been a great secretary.
Charlotte Field: Of state.
President Chambers: Whatever. It’s a cool job. And, um, you’ve done it well.
Charlotte Field: Thank you, sir.
President Chambers: So stay focused. Don’t make any major screw-ups. Don’t kill any hookers. That’s probably not a problem for you. I don’t know what you’re into. Whatever. And before you know it…
[hums the US Presidential Anthem]
Charlotte Field: I like the sound of that.
Flarsky’s Boss: Look, we have to cut two-thirds of our staff.
Fred Flarsky: Two-thirds?
Flarsky’s Boss: Yeah. But we want to keep you on. They want to keep you on. It’s just, you just have to tone it down a little bit.
Fred Flarsky: I don’t know how I can tone things down any more than I’m toning them down.
Flarsky’s Boss: Okay, Fred. You’re a great writer.
Fred Flarsky: Thank you.
Flarsky’s Boss: Alright, you’re funny, you take risks, you connect with people.
Fred Flarsky: I’m sensing a twist in this.
Flarsky’s Boss: You have a distinct, authentic voice, but sometimes you’re a little too much.
Fred Flarsky: I don’t think I am too much. I actually think I’m the perfect right portion.
Flarsky’s Boss: Look, you have your job. Okay, focus on that and just toe the line a little bit.
Fred Flarsky: You know what, I quit.
Flarsky’s Boss: Oh, come on, Fred.
Fred Flarsky: You should quit too. Everyone should fucking quit.
Flarsky’s Boss: No, I’m not going to quit, I need my job.
Fred Flarsky: I need my fucking job too. I’m broke, man! But I can’t work for that guy.
Flarsky’s Boss: At least let me fire you so you can get unemployment.
Fred Flarsky: No fucking way! I want him to know that I quit.
Flarsky’s Boss: He’s never going to know it, he’s never heard of you. You’re going to destroy your life to spite a guy who’s never heard of you?
Fred Flarsky: Yes! You said it best! That’s exactly what I’m doing.
Flarsky’s Boss: You’re making bad decisions and it’s bumming me out, man.
Fred Flarsky: Well, that makes two of us. Fuck this. Journalism died today, people.
Lance: Everybody! This is my best friend, and he just lost his job today. Alright, he’s at rock bottom.
Fred Flarsky: It’s not that bad.
Lance: He feels like shit, and I’m going to make him feel better. It’s been a tradition since we were in college, when one of us feels sad, the other one has to get him fucked up. I’m talking Britney Spears, mid-2000s, bald head, almost dropping the baby, fucked up. No judgement. No judgement. I need my schedule cleared, Zander. I don’t want to do shit. I’m going off grid till tomorrow. As a matter of fact, everybody’s got the day off.
[everyone in the office cheers]
Lance: Everybody’s got the day off. Y’all got the day off. Everybody go home. I’m so appreciative of all of you guys hard work. I love every single one of you. Except you, Tad! Bagel Friday is for everybody, Tad! You don’t think we know you’re taking the bagels?
Office Colleague: Yeah, Tad, not cool.
Lance: I need two cans of the Pamplemousse LaCroix.
Lance: I need that filled with Johnnie Walker Blue and CBD oil.
Lance: Do you want one?
[Fred nods his head]
Lance: Shit. Is the secretary of state looking at us? Oh, she’s looking at you? Fred.
[Fred quickly walks off looking embarrassed]
Lance: Fred. What the hell? What was that? Damn. Hey, what was that?
Fred Flarsky: I kind of know her. Okay?
Lance: You kind of know her?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah.
Lance: Nobody kind of knows Charlotte Field, alright? It’s like kind of knowing a mermaid, dude. You tell people that shit. That’s exceptional.
[telling Lance how he knew Charlotte]
Fred Flarsky: I’ll tell you a story. So, I’m like thirteen, she’s like sixteen. She’s my babysitter. She’s like perfect. She’s very nice to me, which goes a long way with me. So, we’re at her house. She’s practicing a speech that she’s writing. She’s running for Student Council president.
[we see flashback to that night]
Young Charlotte: Did you know that every year, the school throws away ov five hundred tons of recyclable garbage? And no one cares.
Young Fred: I know, it’s total bullshit. But how do you get idiots to care about shit they don’t care about?
Young Charlotte: They’ll just care because it’s the right thing to care about.
Young Fred: You’re more inspiring than George Bush and Dan Quayle combined.
Young Charlotte: Well, that’s not too hard.
Fred Flarsky: She was amazing, and she was smart, and she seemed to kind of like me, and I felt like we were having a moment. You know what I mean? Like a romantic moment.
Lance: Oh, shit.
Fred Flarsky: So I did something, that in retrospect was highly inappropriate. I kissed her. I looked down, I got a fucking thirteen year-old boner, man!
Fred Flarsky: Hard, but not big. But hard. And pronounced, thirteen year-old boner. And she looks at it. She sees it. And she goes…
Young Charlotte: “It’s okay.”
Fred Flarsky: And then, her boyfriend comes into the room, who was in the other room watching Blossom! Points out my fucking little boner. He makes a joke! And they left. And I’m left standing there alone, in the kitchen, with my little, hard thirteen year-old fucking boner. Hard as a rock. And on top of that, she didn’t win the fucking election.
Lance: I think you’re skimming over the best part of that story.
Fred Flarsky: What’s the best part of that story?
Lance: She said your boner was okay.
Fred Flarsky: She said, “It’s okay,” like she was trying to not make me fucking feel bad.
Lance: Fred, you see a fucked-up story, when I see a beautiful story about a girl that you liked, liking your boner in all of its okay-ness. You need to talk to her tonight.
Fred Flarsky: She probably doesn’t remember who I am. And if she does remember who I am, the last thing she wants is my thirteen year-old boner having fucking ass walking up to her.
[they get interrupted by Charlotte’s bodyguard]
Agent M: Excuse me.
Agent M: Secretary Field would like to speak with you.
Fred Flarsky: With me?
Lance: With him, right?
Agent M: Yeah.
Fred Flarsky: Right now? Uh, do you know why?
Agent M: This way.
Charlotte Field: I can’t shake this feeling that we know each other.
Fred Flarsky: We do.
Charlotte Field: We do?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah. We do know each other.
Charlotte Field: Okay, so I’m not crazy.
Fred Flarsky: Uh, I’m Fred.
Charlotte Field: Fred.
Fred Flarsky: I was shorter, but other than that, I kind of…
Charlotte Field: Flarsky?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah! Holy fuck!
Charlotte Field: No!
Fred Flarsky: I can’t believe it. You remember.
Charlotte Field: Oh, my God, look at you!
Fred Flarsky: Look at me, yes.
Charlotte Field: What are you doing these days? I bet it’s something amazing.
Fred Flarsky: It’s pretty amazing.
Charlotte Field: Yeah.
Fred Flarsky: Uh, yeah, but it’s still in its, uh, gestation period, I guess. I don’t need to get into it. What about you, what have you been up to?
[Charlotte looks speechless]
Fred Flarsky: You’re the secretary. I’m joking. I know what you’ve been up to.
Charlotte Field: [laughs] Yeah.
Fred Flarsky: You know, I just want to say it’s like amazing to see what you’ve done with your life. A lot of people say they’re going to do all this incredible stuff and they don’t do anything, but you actually did it all. So, congrats.
Charlotte Field: Well, I’m trying.
Fred Flarsky: I think you’ve done it.
Charlotte Field: I actually, I do have to…
Fred Flarsky: Yeah. You probably have a lot of things to do. Better than this.
Charlotte Field: It’s really nice to see you again.
Fred Flarsky: Yeah. Oh. Yeah.
[Charlotte puts up her arms as if to embrace him]
Fred Flarsky: Okay. Sure. Great.
[Fred hugs her goodbye]
Fred Flarsky: Oh, you’re backless. I wasn’t expecting that.
[after Fred trips, falls down the stairs at the party]
Lance: Oh, my God.
[Lance goes over to Fred, who’s lying flat on his face on the floor]
Lance: Boyz II Men, back up.
[Lance helps Fred stand]
Lance: You alright? You good? You alright?
Fred Flarsky: I’m okay!
Lance: He’s okay!
Charlotte Field: How is he standing?
[after they watch the video footage of Fred falling down the stairs at the party]
Charlotte Field: God, that was crazy. I mean, now that we know he’s okay, it was all so hilarious.
Maggie Millikin: And so what is the relationship exactly? Was he your super?
Charlotte Field: No, we grew up next door to each other.
[Maggie gasps in shock]
Charlotte Field: Yeah. Fuck, I used to babysit for him.
Maggie Millikin: You babysat for him?
Charlotte Field: I did.
Maggie Millikin: Wow, time has not been kind.
[referring to Fred]
Charlotte Field: He was such a strange little kid. But he was really funny, and he was super smart. He did have this chip on his shoulder though.
Tom: He’s actually not a bad writer.
Charlotte Field: Wait, you’ve read his stuff?
Tom: Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate.
Maggie Millikin: Oh, God. Of course, you read that, Tom.
Maggie Millikin: Did you like any of those writing samples?
Charlotte Field: Yeah, McKenzie is good. Bess is solid. And, um, Fred’s stuff isn’t too bad.
Maggie Millikin: Wait, not the homeless person that fell down the stairs?
Charlotte Field: Yeah. He has a real voice. And he knows me. I mean, he knew me. And that’s probably a good thing if he’s going to be writing for me.
Maggie Millikin: Bringing someone like that onto the team, I have to say, feels a little reckless.
Charlotte Field: His writing is really good. And it’s funny. I think he can get that number up by a few points. And if he doesn’t, we fire him.
Maggie Millikin: Okay.
Charlotte Field: Okay.
Maggie Millikin: Fred Flarsky it is.
Charlotte Field: Thanks.
[referring to Charlotte hiring Fred as her speech writer]
Maggie Millikin: Oh, I feel so scared.
[as Fred is going to meet Charlotte]
Fred Flarsky: Wish me luck, man.
Lance: Yeah, you don’t need luck, man. She said it was okay. Luck is for losers. You’ve got destiny on your side. You’re good.
[Fred walks towards the car]
Lance: Fred. You body body.
Fred Flarsky: That doesn’t mean anything.
Charlotte Field: I need some writers to punch-up my speeches. I read your work and I really like it.
Fred Flarsky: That’s, wow.
Charlotte Field: You mentioned you were between jobs. So it’s a really good fit.
Fred Flarsky: It’s so nice of you to think of me at all, honestly, with everything going on in your head.
Charlotte Field: I look forward to working with you.
Fred Flarsky: Thank you. Um, so, uh, when do you need to know by?
Charlotte Field: What? I don’t understand.
Fred Flarsky: When do you need to know if I’m going to take your, uh, your punch-up job?
Charlotte Field: Right now.
Fred Flarsky: Oh. Uh, then I guess, maybe, uh, no? Maybe, no, I don’t know. I don’t know!
Maggie Millikin: You know what, Madam Secretary, he’s not interested. We tried, it didn’t work out. So I can give you some writing samples…
[Charlotte holds up her hand, then walks over to Fred]
Charlotte Field: What don’t you know?
Fred Flarsky: Uh, hey. I had some jokes, uh, I was going to run by you maybe if you have a second.
[Charlotte doesn’t respond and continues to stare out the window]
Fred Flarsky: What are you looking at?
[Fred touches her shoulder and Charlotte gasps in shock, making Fred scream in fright]
Fred Flarsky: Jesus!
Charlotte Field: Oh, my God! Why would you just barge in here while I’m sleeping?
Fred Flarsky: You were sleeping?
Charlotte Field: Yes! I was micro napping.
Fred Flarsky: Oh, that’s what you call that?
Charlotte Field: Yes!
Fred Flarsky: Sorry. I didn’t realize you were sleeping. You were standing and your eyes were open.
Charlotte Field: Do you need something?
Fred Flarsky: I have some jokes that I wrote that I was going to run by you, if you have a second.
Charlotte Field: Yeah, that was actually a really good nap.
Fred Flarsky: Great. You seemed very restful.
[Charlotte laughs as she sees Fred coming down the stair dressed is funny looking suit]
Charlotte Field: What the fuck are you wearing?
[pointing to Maggie]
Fred Flarsky: She bought me this shit. Okay?
Maggie Millikin: It’s a traditional Swedish suit.
Fred Flarsky: I don’t see another fucking Swede up in here dressed like this.
Maggie Millikin: It’s all I could do on such short notice.
Charlotte Field: You just take the jacket off, it’s going to make it better.
[Fred starts to take his jacket off]
Charlotte Field: It’s just made it look… Oh, my God.
[she starts laughing again]
Fred Flarsky: Better with the jacket on? Great.
[he puts the jacket back on]
Fred Flarsky: Razzing the new guy, I get it. Fuck you, Maggie.
Maggie Millikin: Calm the Smurf down. Bring a fucking suit next time.
[offers Maggie a glass of champagne as he drinks]
Maggie Millikin: No, thank you. I’m working right now. And you know you are too.
Fred Flarsky: I do know that.
[reffering to his traditional Swedish suit]
Fred Flarsky: But you dressed me like Cap’n Crunch’s Grindr date, so I’m going to drink to make you uncomfortable.
Maggie Millikin: Honestly, Fred, your entire life makes me uncomfortable.
Maggie Millikin: Why did you do that?
Fred Flarsky: Because I will not have you damage the integrity of my writing!
Maggie Millikin: The integrity of your writing? You’re a punch-up writer, you’re not Maya Angelou!
Charlotte Field: What is going on?
Fred Flarsky: What’s going on with you, bruh?
Charlotte Field: Did you just call me bruh?
Tom: She’s the secretary of state.
Charlotte Field: Is he high?
Maggie Millikin: He is wasted, but he’s also just stupid.
[referring to the Northern Lights]
Charlotte Field: I’ve never seen anything like that.
Fred Flarsky: No, I’ve seen pictures of it, but I never actually, I never saw it.
[Charlotte looks over to Fred, who is wiping tears from his eyes]
Charlotte Field: Are you crying right now?
Fred Flarsky: It’s pretty.
Fred Flarsky: I, uh, I just wanted to apologize to you again for acting a little crazy, you know. I’m going to really try to tone it down and not, you know, make you risk global, uh, humiliation.
Charlotte Field: Good. Great.
Fred Flarsky: Also, I Googled speech writing, and it was actually very informative. What I learned was that in order to write better for you, I should kind of get to know you better and get in your head, and everything I already know about you, I kind of used on the first speech. So, what I did was I wrote a ton of questions that will maybe help me capture your voice, if you have a minute.
Charlotte Field: I actually have seven.
Fred Flarsky: Seven. Okay, great. Yeah, I’ll take it.
Charlotte Field: Alright.
Fred Flarsky: Seven minutes in heaven.
Fred Flarsky: What is your favorite book as a kid?
Charlotte Field: The Velveteen Rabbit. You?
Fred Flarsky: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Charlotte Field: Oh, that explains a lot.
Charlotte Field: Must Have Been Love by Roxette.
Fred Flarsky: Oh! That’s just fucking hot.
Charlotte Field: Right?
Fred Flarsky: I got a new one.
Charlotte Field: What?
Fred Flarsky: I got to change my favorite song.
Charlotte Field: You have too many.
Fred Flarsky: I’ve done it a few times. It’s Broccoli by DRAM, featuring Lil Yachty.
Charlotte Field: All those words are the name of a song?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah.
Charlotte Field: I don’t really think I have one.
Fred Flarsky: You got to have one. Everyone has one.
Charlotte Field: Well, I don’t embarrass that easily.
Fred Flarsky: Yeah, I hear that. I don’t either really.
Charlotte Field: Yes, you do.
Fred Flarsky: No, I don’t!
Charlotte Field: Oh, my God. Okay. What’s your favorite sexual position?
[looking flustered and embarrassed]
Fred Flarsky: I mean, you know, front. Normal. Front facing normal.
Charlotte Field: [laughs] Oh, my God.
Fred Flarsky: What kind of question is that?
Charlotte Field: That’s all it took. Look at you.
Fred Flarsky: Well, what’s your favorite sexual position?
Charlotte Field: Don’t be gross, Fred.
Fred Flarsky: Yeah, see?
Tom: What’s your favorite sexual position?
Maggie Millikin: It’s too complicated to explain.
Charlotte Field: Hey, what if we use this line to start with?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah, “I’m going to start this speech by saying the same thing I said to my boss at Blockbuster Video when I was sixteen. I quit.” That’s not bad.
Charlotte Field: I love that. This is really fucking good. Look at you. You get me, Fred.
Fred Flarsky: I totally get you.
Fred Flarsky: So, are you like dating the prime minister of Canada?
Charlotte Field: No.
Fred Flarsky: No.
Charlotte Field: No.
Fred Flarsky: I feel like I read, did I read that in like some shitty tabloid that you guys were dating? Maybe it’s not true.
Charlotte Field: No, I’m sure you did. It’s, they like to write about it, but no. I, we’re not, we flirt.
Fred Flarsky: Yeah.
Charlotte Field: Kind of.
Fred Flarsky: Okay.
Charlotte Field: It’s weird. We made out once.
Fred Flarsky: Dope.
Charlotte Field: You asked.
Fred Flarsky: No, hey. I’ve hooked up with my fair share of world leaders too. I sixty-nined Fidel Castro once. You thought his beard was big.
Fred Flarsky: Um, but how does that work with you? Do you like date?
Charlotte Field: Uh, yeah. I date. Generally, you know, with people who have similar lifestyles to me. People who travel a lot. It’s hard to keep those things alive. I mean, who wants to follow me around the world and hope I have five minutes to be affectionate?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah.
Charlotte Field: And honestly, guys don’t really want to date women who are more powerful than them. They think they do, but it’s a dick shriveller.
Fred Flarsky: Oof.
Charlotte Field: Mm-hmm.
Fred Flarsky: Dick Shriveller is my favorite Batman villain though, so. Are you going to ask why I’m still single?
Charlotte Field: No, I get it.
Charlotte Field: It makes sense.
Fred Flarsky: Yeah. It adds up.
[just then an explosion goes off near their room, and Fred jumps on Charlotte to protect her]
[after the explosion Fred is freaking out]
Charlotte Field: You’re going to have to calm down.
Fred Flarsky: I don’t think I can.
Charlotte Field: Sit down with me, and breathe. Four seconds in. Four seconds out. Four seconds in.
[Fred breaths in heavily and starts counting]
Fred Flarsky: One, two, three, four…
Charlotte Field: Four seconds out.
Fred Flarsky: One, two…
Charlotte Field: Four seconds in.
Fred Flarsky: One, two, three…
Charlotte Field: You don’t have to count while you’re doing this.
Fred Flarsky: …four. It helps me. One, two, three, four…
Charlotte Field: There you go.
Fred Flarsky: One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
Charlotte Field: You got it.
Fred Flarsky: That actually works.
Charlotte Field: We did almost just die though.
Fred Flarsky: We actually did almost die.
Charlotte Field: Yeah.
Fred Flarsky: Oh, thank God. That actually makes me feel better. Means I didn’t overreact.
Charlotte Field: Oh, God, no, you completely overreacted.
[they both laugh]
Fred Flarsky: Yeah, maybe. I can think of worse ways to go than here with you.
Fred Flarsky: Honestly, this has been like the best few weeks of my entire life. You don’t have to say it back to me. I know it’s not true for you. I saw you sing with Bruce Springsteen last year, at that benefit concert. That was probably a way better week. Just as an example.
Charlotte Field: Well, this is a pretty close second.
Fred Flarsky: Really? To The Boss?
Charlotte Field: Yeah.
Fred Flarsky: Wow. Thanks.
Fred Flarsky: Uh, I feel like maybe you want me to kiss you right now, but I don’t want to make the same stupid mistake I made twenty-five years ago.
Charlotte Field: Wouldn’t be a stupid mistake.
Fred Flarsky: Wait, really?
[they lean in and start kissing when suddenly they are interrupted by Agent M]
Agent M: We’ve secured the location. But we need to move you. The helicopter is standing by.
Charlotte Field: [awkwardly] Thank you, Agent M.
Charlotte Field: Fred, I need you to come work on that speech with me, right now.
Fred Flarsky: Right now?
Charlotte Field: Yeah. Right now.
Fred Flarsky: Okay.
[after they’ve just had sex]
Charlotte Field: Wow. Oh, my God, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I usually last way longer than that. You know?
Fred Flarsky: Not me.
Charlotte Field: That was weird.
Fred Flarsky: We both said, “Oh, boy,” when we came at the same time.
Charlotte Field: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. That’s never happened before.
Fred Flarsky: I’ve never said that.
Charlotte Field: Yeah.
Fred Flarsky: Super strange. Ooh!
Charlotte Field: Should we do that again?
Fred Flarsky: Yeah, my hands are shaking, I need a minute.
Fred Flarsky: You look really pretty.
Charlotte Field: Thank you. You look really pretty, too.
Fred Flarsky: Thank you. Thanks for the suit.
Maggie Millikin: I can’t believe I have to say this, but just so you know, there’s no way the two of you work.
Fred Flarsky: Why would you say that? You don’t know that.
Maggie Millikin: The public will never accept the two of you together, so neither will she. Honestly, Fred, it doesn’t matter if you get it or you don’t, because the truth is, she is going to realize it for the both of you. Then you’ll have your heart broken, and that could be kind of fun to watch.
Charlotte Field: Hi. I hear you have a crush on me.
Fred Flarsky: I do.
Charlotte Field: I kind of have a crush on you too.
Fred Flarsky: Well, that’s cool.
[in the middle of them making out]
Charlotte Field: Am I being too bossy?
Fred Flarsky: No. No. No. No. Not at all. No. No.
Charlotte Field: I am. I am. I’m your boss all day, and now I’m bossing you in bed. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.
Fred Flarsky: No. Not at all. My brain, honestly, just went into shock a little bit.
Charlotte Field: Yeah, but you hesitated.
Fred Flarsky: No, it’s just not how I imagined you liking things.
Charlotte Field: You know what? We’ll do exactly what you were imagining, and then you turn me around and slap me on my ass, and then choke me a little bit.
Fred Flarsky: Oh, my God.
[interrupting Charlotte and Fred are dancing at a club, looking high]
Agent M: We have a situation.
Charlotte Field: Huh?
[he whispers in her ear, Charlotte looks shocked, then turns to Fred]
Fred Flarsky: Yoh.
[referring to the drugs they’ve taken]
Charlotte Field: How much longer is this Molly stuff going to last?
Fred Flarsky: We just re-upped. You kept saying you wanted to take more, so we did. So we have another maybe four or five hours. Yeah. Why?
Charlotte Field: I’m in so much trouble.
Fred Flarsky: What’s happening?
Charlotte Field: I’m going to be in so much trouble.
Fred Flarsky: What’s happening? Are they out of water?
Maggie Millikin: We got some new polling that I thought I’d share with you.
Charlotte Field: Alrighty
Maggie Millikin: It feels like everything is kind of falling into place for us. So we thought we’d dig a little deeper and make sure there are no surprises.
Charlotte Field: Why are you acting so weird?
Maggie Millikin: It’s good. We got some really helpful feedback, from the public. So we asked a thousand constituents how they would feel if, say, Princess Di, if she were to start dating Guy Fieri.
Charlotte Field: I don’t even know who that is.
[she shows Charlotte the picture of them on her laptop with a massive red cross]
Maggie Millikin: They don’t like that.
Charlotte Field: Yeah.
Maggie Millikin: Or Kate Middleton were to start dating Danny DeVito.
Charlotte Field: I see where you’re going with this.
Maggie Millikin: Pretty negative reaction. Or if Jennifer Lawrence were to start dating this potato in a teal windbreaker. They would be very upset.
Maggie Millikin: Madam Secretary. I have no desire to limit your romantic life.
Charlotte Field: Good.
Maggie Millikin: But the optics of you and Fred will make a presidential run very challenging.
Charlotte Field: Fred is a journalist.
Maggie Millikin: Who’s written some extremely fucked-up stuff.
Charlotte Field: No, that’s exposed some really fucked-up stuff.
Maggie Millikin: And I just want to know for myself, you’re comfortable with putting everything on the line for a hookup?
Charlotte Field: Oh, my God. Why are we having this conversation? This is insane. I don’t have to explain myself to you.
Maggie Millikin: I’m sorry. I really don’t understand this. And I fucking love you, Charlotte. I want you to be happy. But more than that, I want you to be in charge. And I want you to be president. For the sake of the future of our country.
Maggie Millikin: Look, there’s another option. There’s a guy who works for the Secret Service, whose job it is to handle the mistresses…
Charlotte Field: Maggie, you’re going to have to stop.
Maggie Millikin: And there are a series of tunnels in the White House that Woodrow Wilson…
Charlotte Field: That’s enough. Fred is not an idea that I’m floating by you for your approval. And you’re getting very close to crossing a line.
Maggie Millikin: Okay. Got it. Goodnight, Madam Secretary.
Parker Wembley: Look, I’m about to give you the easiest ultimatum that you’re ever, ever going to receive. Drop the tree thing.
Charlotte Field: Or?
[referring to Fred]
Parker Wembley: Or we will release the content of your friend’s hard drive. We found a lot of interesting stuff when we hacked into his webcam. Now here is a little taster.
Lance: I’m a Republican.
Fred Flarsky: You’re fucking joking right now.
Lance: Member of the GOP. Yeah, you know me.
Fred Flarsky: You’re a Republican?
Lance: Yeah, I’m a Republican. The shit has worked out so far for me.
Fred Flarsky: What the fuck, man? All that shit you’re always saying to me!
Fred Flarsky: “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And being in charge of your own destiny?”
Lance: Republican shit.
Fred Flarsky: Oh, and it worked on me!
Lance: And it works on a lot of people.
Fred Flarsky: Oh, that’s fucking sick!
Lance: That’s right.
Fred Flarsky: Ugh! That’s gross! That Republican shit, you put it in my brain and it made me feel good. That’s fucked up, man!
[after Lance had admitted he’s a Republican]
Fred Flarsky: I don’t even know you!
Lance: What do you mean?
Fred Flarsky: Ugh!
Lance: I’m the same dude from two minutes ago. Your best friend.
Fred Flarsky: Why did you never tell me this?
Lance: Because I knew you’d act exactly how you’re acting right now.
Fred Flarsky: Wait a minute. You’re always talking about how like the universe has a plan for all of us.
Lance: Take it easy, man.
Fred Flarsky: That there’s someone watching over us at all times.
Fred Flarsky: Does that mean…
Lance: I’m a man of Christian faith.
Fred Flarsky: What the fuck?!
Fred Flarsky: How could you be Christian?
Lance: I wear this cross every day, since you’ve known me! What did you think it was for?
Fred Flarsky: I thought it was a cultural thing.
Lance: You mean like because I’m black?
Fred Flarsky: That’s what I thought, yeah.
Lance: That might be. But that don’t mean what you said ain’t r*cist.
Fred Flarsky: You’re right.
Lance: Yeah, I know I’m right!
Fred Flarsky: Fuck.
Lance: That’s r*cist as shit!
Lance: Alright, dude. I love you, man. But you’re very judgmental. They don’t want politics to get into this, because you’ve never really been good at looking at shit from other people’s perspective, Fred.
Fred Flarsky: I know.
Lance: It might explain why you haven’t been able to look at this through Charlotte’s eyes.
Fred Flarsky: I’m sorry. I’m sorry you couldn’t be who you are around me, and you had to hide your true self. That’s really fucked up.
Lance: That’s alright, man. But my love for the GOP and the G-O-D has nothing to do with us.
Fred Flarsky: I’m r*cist. You’re a Republican. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on.
Prime Minister James Steward: So, um, after dinner, how about we go for a drink somewhere?
Charlotte Field: Ooh.
Prime Minister James Steward: I know this great little place that’s not too far from here. It’s called Mini Bar. It’s quite exclusive, you need a little key to access it. And you get charged as you remove the bottle.
Charlotte Field: Hmm.
Prime Minister James Steward: It’s actually more of a small fridge than a bar. And it’s in my room…
Charlotte Field: No, I get it.
Prime Minister James Steward: I’m inviting you back to my room.
Charlotte Field: Thank you, everyone, for being here with me today. Let me start by saying something I haven’t said since I was sixteen and worked at Blockbuster Video. I quit…
[Fred and Lance are watching Charlotte’s speech on the TV at a bar]
Fred Flarsky: I helped write that joke.
Lance: Oh, yeah? That’s a good joke.
Charlotte Field: …as secretary of state, in order to run for president of the United States of America.
Lance: Man, you know who you should date? Taylor Swift. Hell, yeah. I could see that.
Fred Flarsky: Why do you think I could date Taylor Swift?
Lance: Fred, you were dating Charlotte Field. That’s the most powerful woman on Earth.
Fred Flarsky: Oh, I get it. I don’t know what me and Taylor Swift have in common.
Lance: Y’all white. Ya ain’t got a care in the world.
Fred Flarsky: That’s true.
[referring to the hacked video of Fred]
Lance: Hey, it’s alright, man. You know, we all got our things. I don’t bust a nut on my face. But, like…
Fred Flarsky: It’s not like a thing I do!
Lance: Do you think that’ll like go viral?
Fred Flarsky: This is the news! Oh, shit.
[after Fred finds Charlotte in his apartment]
Charlotte Field: Here’s the deal. I love you. I know I do. Because I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. And I once shared an elevator with Saddam Hussein. Just me and Saddam. And this is way scarier. I love you.
[Fred just looks at her]
Charlotte Field: Okay, you’re really going to have to say something right now, because I’m freaking out.
Fred Flarsky: I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve years-old.
[giving a speech to the press outside Fred’s apartment]
Charlotte Field: A crazy day. But I’m really glad you’re all here. I’d like to introduce you to someone. This is Fred.
Fred Flarsky: Hi, there.
Charlotte Field: My boyfriend.
Charlotte Field: You kind of know him already, but you’ll get to know him a lot more in the next few months, because he’s going to be right by my side on my campaign trail.
[they kiss as everyone cheers]
[after Charlotte becomes the first female president; being filmed]
Fred Flarsky: Hi. I’m the First Mister of the United States of America. My name is Fred Field. I took my wife’s last name. And, uh, I’m going to give you a tour of the White House. We’re starting with the portraits of the first spouses. Here we have Mamie Eisenhower. Jackie Kennedy. We have the beautiful Lady Bird Johnson’s portrait. And that leads us into my portrait. It was painted by Todd McFarlane, who created the Spawn comics, of course. The first versions were a little over the top.
Fred Flarsky: I used to think the best way for me to change the world, to make it a better place was through journalism. Then I realized that’s not at all the case. Really, the best thing I could be doing for the world is just supporting this amazing person and just trying to learn from her, and kind of just trying to be the best first mister I can be.
Fred Flarsky: I actually got a tattoo of the first mister insignia.
Charlotte Field: He did.
[he shows the tatoo on his arm]
Fred Flarsky: There we are.
Charlotte Field: You’re wearing mittens.
Fred Flarsky: I got little mittens on. If you think of where this tattoo started to where it ended up. It really has an amazing arc to it.
Interviewer: What are some of the perks of your new roles?
Charlotte Field: Well, I finally get to enact my vision for America.
Fred Flarsky: I finally got to find out who killed Kennedy.
Charlotte Field: Oh, my God. Don’t you dare.
Fred Flarsky: I won’t say.
Charlotte Field: Don’t.
Fred Flarsky: I won’t say.
Charlotte Field: Fred, I’m not kidding around.
Fred Flarsky: It’s not who you think!
Charlotte Field: Don’t do it.
Fred Flarsky: It’s pretty surprising.
Charlotte Field: He’s my Mister.
Fred Flarsky: I’m her Mister. And she’s my president.
Total Quotes: 62
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