Netflix’s Love, Guaranteed Best Quotes

[during one of her online dates]
Susan: So, intermittent fasting, huh?
Intermittent Faster: Yeah.
Susan: As in you just purposely don’t eat?
Intermittent Faster: I’m actually up to twenty hours a day now.
Susan: Wow. Isn’t that dangerous, or…
Intermittent Faster: No. No, no. It’s super good for you. It’s actually how…
[looks like he’s going to pass out]
Intermittent Faster: …cavemen used to eat.
Susan: Wasn’t the life expectancy for a caveman like twenty-five?
[her date passes out]
Susan: Check!

Susan: So, tell me about your date with Nick Evans.
Hipster Barista: The date was fine, but I knew he wasn’t for me. I got a vibe.
Susan: What kind of a vibe?
Hipster Barista: It’s like Nick believes he’s genuinely like looking for love. But instead he’s trying to prove that love doesn’t exist.

Susan: You guys, I don’t know how Nick managed it. I don’t. I mean, I’ve been on two dates, and one no-show, and I am exhausted.
Roberto: Why do you think I proposed to Dante only after two weeks? It’s a jungle out there.
Denise: There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Roberto: Oh, there’s also plenty of trash.

Jerome: Hey, Donna. You ever been dipped in an Argentine tango?
Nick: Be careful, she’s a man-eater.
Jerome: Oh, here’s hoping.
Nick: Jerome, you nasty.

[to Susan, after she finds out Nick works at the rehabilitation center]
Jerome: [to Susan] Doctor said, my dancing days are over. Nick said, hogwash. Nick donates his time here for the old folks like me that can’t afford PT. He’s a good egg. Like you. And two good eggs make an omelet.

[after reading Nick’s next online date’s profile]
Susan: She seems adorable.
Nick: Adorable is a number one red flag. Anything that sounds too good to be true on the internet is a lie.
Susan: I have noticed that.

[during his date]
Pam: Seriously, could this menu have more shellfish on it? If I even eat one mollusk I’ll be covered in eczema like the Elephant Man.
Nick: Did you hear the one about the greedy clam? He was a little shellfish.

[after Susan arrives at the same restaurant that Nick is having his date]
Intermittent Faster: May I purchase you a drink?
Susan: What are you even doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be fasting?
Intermittent Faster: It’s my eating window.
Susan: Smells like your drinking window.
Intermittent Faster: It’s a bit of that too. You know.

Susan: I mean, these women, they could be subpoenaed. I had to make sure that you weren’t intentionally tanking the dates.
Nick: You were spying on me.
Susan: No!
Nick: Yeah, you were.
Susan: No! A little. Professionally.
Nick: “Professionally.”
Susan: I’m sorry I ruined your date, okay?
Nick: No, it’s okay. It was terrible. It really was.

[referring to the table at the restaurant]
Susan: This is where it all happens.
Nick: Oh, yeah. This is my lucky table.
Susan: Is it, though?
Nick: Actually, no. This thing is cursed. Let’s go sit somewhere else.

Susan: I do feel like there’s something hardwired in me from birth, to want to just fight for the little guy. One time when I was really little, my parents took me to see that movie, The Fugitive. And I got so upset that they convicted an innocent man. I’m still upset. But I had to go wait in the lobby. Couldn’t take it.
Nick: [laughs] You serious?
Susan: My dad tried to get me to come back into the theater, but I wouldn’t. I still haven’t seen the end of that movie.

Nick: Well, before the trial is over, we are watching The Fugitive together, okay?
Susan: It’s a date. But also not.
Nick: I know what you meant.

[referring to her past relationships]
Nick: There had to be someone.
Susan: Well, I mean, of course there was someone. Sure, back in law school. His name was Josh. We thought we were going to get married, have kids, dogs, the whole thing. But, I don’t know, he had other plans.
Nick: What kind of plans?
Susan: Just the kind that did not include me.

[referring to her car]
Nick: So this is yours?
Susan: Yep, this is Zorro.
Nick: Nice. Zorro. That’s sweet.
Susan: Sweet? No, no, no. Zorro is a vigilante, who tracks down ruthless villains.
Nick: A lot tougher than she looks, huh?
Susan: Yeah.

[as he shakes Susan’s hand]
Nick: It’s my signature end of the date move. It’s my way of saying, “Goodbye. Good luck. Have a nice life.”
Susan: So it’s an efficient transaction.
Nick: Yes, it is.
Susan: So, tell me, if you were going to name tonight like an episode of Friends, what would my title be?
Nick: “The one I didn’t see coming.”

[referring to the Love Guaranteed poster]
Nick: Right, Brad and Veronica met at Love Guaranteed. Brad and Veronica are clearly models.
Susan: Just because they’re implausibly attractive, doesn’t mean that they’re paid models. Don’t you have faith in anything good in this world?
Nick: Sure. Just not in Brad and Veronica. They fake and they phony. Look at those teeth, too white.

[as they are about to meet with Tamara Taylor]
Susan: Some ground rules before we go in there, I do the talking. You, no snarking, no snickering, no snorting.
Nick: Snorting?
Susan: Yes, when you’re trying not to laugh, you make a sound kind of like…
[she snorts]
Nick: That sounds nothing like me.
Susan: It’s exactly like you.
Nick: Nope.
Susan: We’ll see.

Tamara Taylor: My website brings much needed hope, love, connection, joy, happiness, life to the masses.
Susan: Except that you’re not selling love, joy, and hope. You’re selling a love guarantee. Now everyone here knows that that language is legally binding. So, we have a case. You all know it.

Tamara Taylor: We’ve looked into you, Miss Whitaker, and we see that your earnest little boutique firm is under water. You’re failing. This little do-gooder crusader for justice attitude, it might impress your clients, but it doesn’t do anything for me.
Well, luckily, we are not here to talk about me. We are here to discuss this case.
Bill: Then take the settlement. We won’t offer it again.
Tamara Taylor: Buddha once said, “No man can step in the same river twice.”

Nick: [to Tamara] Do you know why I hired Susan?
Susan: Nick. No.
Nick: Because she’s the opposite of you. Okay? She has character, and principles, and a sense of common decency.
Susan: Thank you.

Tamara Taylor: Well, I have a billion dollar empire to run. So just sign the papers, and we’ll pay you out, and this little PR headache will go away.
Susan: No deal. We will see you in court, where we will request one million dollars in punitive damages. Oh, and by the way, it’s Heraclitus, not Buddha.
Tamara Taylor: What?
Susan: The river quote? Yeah. Those inspirational fridge magnets, they have such tiny fine print. Really got to read it carefully.
[mimics dropping a mic]
Nick: Boom.

[as they are standing by the elevator doors]
Susan: [whispers] Are they staring at us?
[turns to take a quick look at Tamara and her legal team]
Nick: Yep. All of them.
Susan: We should’ve taken the stairs.
Nick: Yep.

Tamara Taylor: Who’s idiotic idea was it to guarantee love, anyway? Who am I firing today?
Bill: Uh, yours.
Tamara Taylor: Micah, you’re fired.

Susan: If Tamara Taylor thinks that she can steamroll us, she’s got another think coming!
Nick: Yeah. “Thing”. “Another thing coming.”
Susan: No, it’s think. Like, “think again.”
Nick: No. It’s “thing”.
Susan: Do you always have to be right?
Nick: Only when the other person’s wrong.

[as the valet is bringing her car, they hear [“I Think We Are Alone Now” by Tiffany]
Nick: You really went in on that song, didn’t you?
Susan: The tape is actually stuck in the player.
Nick: Right.
Susan: Has been since the ’80s. The volume knob is also broken. So Zorro decides when it plays and when it doesn’t.
Nick: So your car is possessed by Tiffany.
Susan: Basically.

[referring to Susan]
Nick: I mean, I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. She was beautiful. She was poised.
Jerome: You know, for a man who’s been on a thousand dates, you got zero game.
Nick: What are you talking about?
Jerome: I’m talking about Susan.
Nick: No. No. Susan. That’s my lawyer. She’s… no. Off the table.
Jerome: Last I checked, she was a woman first. A smart, beautiful, compassionate woman.

Jerome: What’s holding you back? You just went on a thousand dates, and you’re afraid to go on one more?
Nick: Yeah, but Susan’s not like the rest.
Jerome: Exactly.

Jerome: Scary, isn’t it? You’ve been playing in the shallow end, where it’s safe. That ain’t where you going to find love. To find that, you got to dive deeper.
Nick: What if I sink?
Jerome: What if you swim?

Susan: Love Guaranteed is definitely going to be going after Nick’s character, and we can’t afford for there to be any surprises, so I did a little Google stalking.
Denise: Did you find dirt? I mean, not that I want you to. But let’s be honest, I love dirt.

[referring to the photo of Nick’s ex-fiancée, Arianna]
Denise: She was not one of the thousand dates.
Susan: Nope. And we’ve got to cover our bases. So I’m going to go meet with her today.
Roberto: OMG, she’s gorgeous.
Susan: I guess. You know, if you’re into the whole supermodel thing.
Roberto: Everyone is.
Denise: Most people are.

[after Susan calls Nick]
Susan: I just wanted to see if you were awake to, you know, go over a couple things.
Nick: To go over… Wait, you’re still at work?
Susan: So?
Nick: You are not a normal human being.

Susan: “The one who ate paper.”
Nick: Yeah. All kinds.
Susan: What? No.
Nick: Yep. Napkins. Toilet paper. Playing cards.
Susan: No.
Nick: Not kidding. Origami.
Susan: I don’t believe you, but I am looking forward to meeting this probably fictional person.

[referring to her being uptight]
Susan: The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is I check my phone. Answer e-mails before I even get out of bed. Go to the office all day. Then I come home, finish everything I didn’t get done at the office. Then I get back in bed, with my phone, and it starts over again. It’s a vicious circle.
Nick: Um, “cycle”.
Susan: What?
Nick: “It’s a vicious cycle.” That’s the saying.
Susan: No, it’s “vicious circle”.
Nick: Vicious circle? That sounds like a geometry teacher’s rock band.

Susan: How did you find out?
Nick: She told me. She said she has an imaginary friend. That she’d bring him everywhere. Brought him to the date.
Susan: I hope he had a good time.
Nick: She said he did. He didn’t eat any of his food.

Melanie: Susan talks about you all the time.
Susan: No, I don’t.
Melanie: Yes, you do, actually.
Nick: Of course she does. I’m her favorite client.
Susan: No, that’s Jerome.
Nick: Jerome? I am ten times more charming than Jerome.
Susan: He’s got the whole cute grumpy old man thing going on.
Nick: That’s true. Yeah, he does have the old thing going for him.
Melanie: I am loving this whole back and forth banter thing going on, but I got to go have a baby.

Gideon: I can’t find the car keys.
Nick: Uh, check your left hand.

Melanie: My contractions are five minutes apart. If we don’t leave now, we’re naming our baby after the freeway she was born on!
Gideo: I-90 is a terrible name.

[referring to Oliver]
Nick: What happened? He was like one of those Von Trapp kids, and now it’s all Hunger Games.

Susan: Oliver, we need to open a window of negotiation about bedtime.
Nick: Are you lawyering a four year-old?
Susan: I am willing to make concessions.

[referring to Susan]
Denise: She’s MIA. She’s never MIA.
Roberto: First she takes yesterday off to spend time with a baby, who isn’t even a client, and now she’s late?
Denise: Should we put out an amber alert?
Roberto: I want to see her name on buses by noon.

[as Susan walks into office looking happy]
Roberto: Is she choking?
Denise: I think that was a giggle.
Roberto: She sounds like I do after a second Ambien.

[referring to Susan acting happy]
Roberto: I don’t smell day drinking.
Denise: You can’t smell vodka.
Roberto: I can smell it on you.
Denise: Shut up.

Melanie: You have to talk to him.
Susan: And tell him what? That I might’ve sunk our case by signing up for that ridiculous site?
Melanie: It’s only an issue if Nick finds love. Right? So, just pump the brakes while you’re working together.
Susan: That’s the problem, I don’t want to pump the brakes. I’ve never not wanted to do something more.

Susan: Nick, I don’t think that we should see each other right now. I need to focus on the case, it’s my priority.
Nick: Is that what you want?
Susan: We can’t always do what we want. Sometimes we need to do what’s right.
Nick: Why are you doing this?
Susan: You want to win, don’t you? That’s what this whole case is about. It’s why you hired me, isn’t it?
Nick: Yeah.
Susan: Then let me do what I know is right for both of us, okay?
Nick: Cool. I’ll see you in court.

[to Jerome after Susan tells him they should stop seeing each other]
Nick: Looks like I sunk.

Susan: [in court] What price would you pay to find love? Almost anything, right? Well, for twenty-nine ninety-five, which includes use of their website and app, Love Guaranteed guarantees that you will find love. All you have to do is go on a thousand dates. That’s right. One thousand different dates. I went on two and a half Love Guaranteed dates, and well, that was quite enough for me, thank you.

Susan: Dr. Rossmore, for the record, what is your field of expertise?
Dr. Rossmore: Well I have a PhD in Psychology, and I teach human behavior and the sciences at the university. My specialty is attachments and relationships. Primarily the science of love.
Susan: And in your professional opinion, are there any known ways to guarantee love?
Dr. Rossmore: All the conclusions agree there is no way to predict love, much less guarantee it.

Roberto: Ooh. Kicking a**, taking names, and looking fierce the entire time.
Denise: Check, check, check.
Susan: I don’t know. I just can’t let Bill Jones ruin Nick’s reputation.

[as she’s sobbing, she turns on the engine and “I Think We Are Alone Now” by Tiffany starts playing]
Susan: I hate you, Tiffany!

Susan: To put it plainly, Miss Silver. It is my presumption that the defense named you as a witness in hopes to reflect negatively on Mr. Evans’ character.
Arianna: When I spoke to Mr. Jones, about being a witness, I did mention that I thought Nick was licking his wounds. I mean, a thousand dates and you couldn’t find someone new? Seemed a little fishy to me.
Susan: And do you still feel the same way?
Arianna: Actually, no. Nick is a great guy. He’s all about being honest. So I assume that this lawsuit is on the up and up. I only wish him well.

Arianna: I’m sorry how things ended with us. It’s my fault. I’m not proud of it, but I did learn from it. I’m with the right person now.
Nick: I’m happy for you.
Arianna: I’m happy for you too.
Nick: What are you talking about?
Arianna: I know that look. You’re in love with your lawyer. I just hope you can admit it to yourself, before it’s too late.
Nick: But what if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if I get hurt again?
Arianna: There are no guarantees in love, Nick. Isn’t that what this is all about?

Nick: When I started this whole thing, I was out for justice. Love isn’t something you can just guarantee. Like a pizza delivery.
Susan: [whispers] I’m sorry, what are you doing?
Nick: Love is unpredictable. And it can burn you. But it can also surprise you in the most remarkable ways. It turns out I did find love, when I fell in love with my lawyer.

Nick: I’m dropping the lawsuit. Mr. Jones is right. While I didn’t meet Susan through the site, I met her because of it. And I promised to tell the truth under oath. So, I’d much rather have love in my life than win here in court today. It’s an amazing thing when you find someone who gets you, and you get them in return. Even when they’re right and you’re wrong.
Turns out the saying is, “You’ve got another think coming.” It really is. I Googled it. Weird.

Nick: A wise old man once told me to dive in, so here it goes. What I realized, that I don’t want a guarantee. Or a safety net. All I want is to take a chance with you. It’s not a risk to fall in love. It’s a risk not to. I love you, Susan. Do you love me too?
Judge Kay: Miss Whitaker, answer that question.
Susan: I do!
[they kiss in front of whole court]

Tamara Taylor: When I studied with my Lama in Tibet, he said, “The thousand brilliant accomplishments of the past do not serve today’s purpose.”
Susan: I’m sorry, I’m not following.
Tamara Taylor: I’ll pay your legal fees, and I’ll donate two hundred and fifty thousand to your hospital, if you two become the new face of Love Guaranteed.
Nick: Why would you do that?
Tamara Taylor: An old fashioned love story complete with a romantic courtroom confession? People love that crap. It’s going to make me look so good on social media. It’s not hard, but it’s much better than the fake poster couple we have now.
Nick: I knew it! Brad and Veronica.
Susan: He did. He called that.
Nick: I called that.

Lifestyle Reporter: The jury still out on whether a dating site can guarantee love. But love guarantees a happy ending.

[last lines; as they walk out of the court building]
Susan: So what do we do now? Go on an official first date?
Nick: Anything but a first date.
[they kiss]