Starring: Rachael Leigh Cook, Damon Wayans Jr., Heather Graham, Caitlin Howden, Brendan Taylor, Sebastian Billingsley-Rodriguez, Sean Amsing, Lisa Durupt, Alvin Sanders
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Netflix’s romantic comedy directed by Mark Steven Johnson. The story follows hard-working lawyer, Susan (Rachael Leigh Cook), who to save her small law firm, takes a high-paying, high-profile case from Nick (Damon Wayans Jr.), a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees users will find love. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick’s feelings for each other, which could jeopardize everything.
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Our Favorite Quotes:'We can't always do what we want. Sometimes we need to do what's right.' - Susan (Love, Guaranteed) Click To Tweet 'Love is unpredictable. And it can burn you. But it can also surprise you in the most remarkable ways.' - Nick (Love, Guaranteed) Click To Tweet 'It's an amazing thing when you find someone who gets you, and you get them in return. Even when they're right and you're wrong.' - Nick (Love, Guaranteed) Click To Tweet
[first lines; practicing in front of the mirror]
Susan: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client demands that the scales of justice be tipped in his favor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is time to rip off the blindfold and let justice see.
[we hear the toilet flushing]
Bailiff: Sorry, honey, you were really on a roll, but I got court in ten, so. I am liking that second version.
Susan: Thanks! I should use the basement ladies room more often.
Bailiff: It’s where all the magic happens.
[after running into Nick at the coffee stand]
Nick: You know it’s a scam, right?
Nick: Pumpkin spice latte. No pumpkin in it. Just pumpkin flavoring. Every fall, the coffee industry acts like some bountiful pumpkin harvest just came in, so they can peddle their drinks to the masses. You’re drinking a lie.
Susan: Why are you still talking to me?
Nick: I don’t know. We’re walking in the same direction? Better to make conversation than have awkward silence, right?
Susan: This is neither. This is an awkward conversation.
Nick: Well, then it’s both.
[as Nick continues to follow her to her office building]
Susan: Can I help you with something?
Nick: The door? I have a 9 AM appointment.
Susan: Welcome to Whitaker and Associates.
Susan: Where’s the water cooler going?
Denise: The wave was part celebration, part smoke screen.
Roberto: Turns out, pro bono is Latin for tap water. If you’re going to work for free, I have to make budget cuts.
Susan: So, how can I help you, Mr. Evans?
Nick: I need a lawyer. And you have a reputation of being one of the classiest bus bench lawyers in town.
Susan: Never done a bus bench ad.
Nick: Oh, I’m sorry. What is it? Is it ambulance chaser? Is that what it’s called?
Susan: Civil litigator works fine.
Nick: I want to sue Love Guaranteed.
Susan: The dating website?
Susan: Okay. Were you threatened on a date? Stalked? Harmed?
Nick: Worse. I’m a victim of fraud.
Nick: Love Guaranteed is robbing people of twenty-nine ninety-nine a month with their slogan, “You’ll find love, guaranteed.” Well, I’ve been on nine hundred and eighty-six dates, and not one of them has provided me love.
Susan: Nine hundred and eighty-six dates with actual human women?
Nick: The user agreement fine print states that a subscriber must go on one thousand different dates for the guarantee to apply. Their lawyers clearly thought no one would go through with it. But I did! Well, home stretch anyways. I got like a dozen to go.
Susan: Yeah, I’m just still a little in the weeds on this whole nine hundred and eighty-six dates of it all. How is that even possible?
Nick: It’s a great question. Uh, breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates. That’s how I do it.
Nick: Guy’s got to eat, right?
Susan: Did it ever occur to you that maybe love was never found because no woman wants to hear, “Guy’s got to eat, right?”
Nick: I’m not saying it at the date. I’m not like, “Hey, guy’s got to eat.” I’m not doing that. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m thinking it in my head.
Nick: Look, the point is, I have a case. Okay, a winnable case.
Susan: I didn’t pass the bar yesterday. I know what this is.
Nick: What is it?
Susan: This is a classic “gotcha” lawsuit. Find a loophole, take the easy cash.
Nick: Think what you want, but Love Guaranteed is profiting off the lonely souls of the world. It is not right. It is a reckless endangerment of the human heart, and I will not stand for it.
Susan: [chuckles] The human heart! Right. It’s good.
Roberto: Someone looks like they could use a cocktail.
Susan: It’s 9:15.
Denise: Never stopped me.
Susan: Is our goldfish okay?
Roberto: He’s sleeping.
[Susan walks back to her office and slams the door]
Denise: He’s sleeping?
Roberto: She can read me like a book.
[referring to her pregnancy]
Melanie: Where’s my glowing? You know, I was promised glowing.
Susan: You look great.
Melanie: I’m fat.
Susan: But you’re the really good kind of fat, you know? Like a little avocado.
Melanie: Excuse me while I drop my decaf in slow motion. A dating site?
Susan: It’s for a case.
Melanie: Wow, you are so taking this case.
Susan: No, he’s the client.
Melanie: A hot client.
Susan: Gross client.
Melanie: Hot gross client.
Susan: Obnoxious, gross, hot only to a certain desperate kind of woman, who is not me, still perspective client.
Susan: My brother-in-law might be an actual saint.
Melanie: Saint Gideon did not miraculously fall from the sky like frozen airplane toilet water. You know how we met.
Susan: Yes, I know. Online dating.
Susan: Can you believe this guy’s been on almost a thousand dates?
Melanie: Are you serious?
Susan: He’s a classic loophole shark. He’s exploiting this company over a tiny detail in the fine print.
Melanie: Interesting case.
Susan: Ridiculous case.
Susan: I mean, my mission is to help the helpless. He’s not helpless. He’s shameless.
Melanie: Shameless pays the bills.
Susan: It would mean that my employees could stop job hunting. Roberto left his laptop open with his resume there. I fixed a typo.
Melanie: [chuckles] Of course you did.
Susan: Okay, team. The first thing we need to do is take a deep dive into the strange and prolific dating life of Mr. Nicholas Evans.
Roberto: Finally a fun case.
Susan: This case is not going to be a walk in the park. Love Guaranteed is owned by none other than Tamara Taylor.
Denise: Oh, we just won big time.
Roberto: I’m sorry, Tiffany what now?
Denise: Tamara Taylor. The lifestyle guru, who tells women to eat nothing, but soaked almonds, and to steam their…
Roberto: I’m caught up.
Susan: You know, I’m looking forward to taking on Love Guaranteed.
[puts up his hand]
Roberto: Hi. Roberto. Accounting. Are you about to do the big speech? Because if this is the big speech, I have to use the restroom first.
Susan: All those corporate fat cats, and their two hundred dollar haircuts, and their fancy watches. They’re not even going to know what hit them.
Roberto: I should go, right?
Denise: You should go.
Susan: No. Okay, sorry. No big speech. Please, use the restroom. Meeting over.
Denise: Online dating can just be so soul crushing.
Susan: I wouldn’t know. Luckily, I’ve never tried it.
Roberto: What? I’m sorry, you’ve never online dated?
Susan: No, what’s the big deal?
Roberto: You can’t win a case over something you know nothing about.
Denise: We need to get you online.
Susan: No, I don’t have time for dating.
Roberto: It’s not dating! What if it’s research? You know, it could make the difference between winning or losing this case.
Susan: What are you about to do here?
Roberto: Creating your profile.
Susan: I thought you had to pee.
Roberto: It can wait.
Denise: This is so fun.
Susan: Okay, fine. But listen, I am proofing it first. Don’t make me sound weird.
Susan: It’s both helpful, and a little bit creepy, that you meticulously documented all of your dates.
Nick: Thank you. Figured I’d need a paper trail.
Susan: “The one who talked about cats all night?”
Nick: Yeah, didn’t even own a cat.
Susan: “The one who brought her parents on the date?”
Nick: Yeah. And she never said a word, but her dad was awesome. I mean, we talked about baseball for hours. It was great. I wish I would have got his number.
Susan: “The one who needed a date to her sister’s wedding.”
Nick: Yeah, two tickets to Hawaii seemed kind of extra for date numero dos.
Susan: “The one who got drunk and tried to fight the busboy?”
Nick: For the record? I took the punch.
Susan: Okay, Nick, you cannot name these women like they’re episodes of Friends.
Nick: It’s the only way to keep them apart. You know how many Chloes I’ve dated? Fourteen! Plus twelve Emmas, and like half a dozen Zoes.
Susan: Okay. Little accountability please. You’re the one dating in bulk.
Nick: This lawsuit isn’t just about me, you know. Love Guaranteed took advantage of them too.
Nick: And just so you know, I was always a perfect gentleman to them. I took these women on classy dates.
Susan: Split the check at Denny’s?
Nick: I mean, no disrespect to the Grand Slam Breakfast, but give a guy some credit, okay? Breakfast at Bacco, lunch at Pink Door, and dinner at Coral.
Susan: Coral. That place is fancy.
Nick: Yes. And I paid every time.
Susan: Alright, I’m impressed. More with your time management than anything.
Nick: Yeah? Got most dates down to under an hour. Quicker than an oil change.
Susan: Okay. Do you have a heart, or just an empty space where you keep your car keys?
Nick: Yeah, it’s empty.
Nick: I got to go.
Susan: Hot date?
Susan: What? That was a bad joke. It’s 10 AM.
Nick: Yeah. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates. It’s breakfast.
[referring to Nick]
Roberto: I know I’m married, but I’d love to see him in my chambers.
Denise: For a debriefing.
[referring to her online dating profile photo]
Susan: Why would you use that photo?
Roberto: It was the only picture we could find where you weren’t working.
Susan: Oh, that’s from my birthday at Tortilla Flats. I was wasted.
Roberto: A drinky Susan is a dateable Susan.
[as she reads her dating online profile]
Susan: I do dip my french fries in mayo. I do like old dogs better than puppies. Wait a second. How do you guys know all this stuff about me?
Roberto: Lots of overtime.
Denise: I went through your garbage.
Susan: I have to interview Nick’s dates for their depositions.
Roberto: Which you can do while going on dates of your own. Hashtag Research.
Denise: Mr. Yang next door is willing to offer you a friends and family lunch discount.
Susan: I do love Yang’s.
Roberto: He’s weirdly as excited as we are.
Susan: For research.
[looking at Susan’s online dating replies]
Roberto: Ooh, how about this one in the flannel?
Denise: Looks like a lumberjack.
Roberto: Like an educated lumberjack.
Denise: That’s not a thing.
Roberto: A lumbersexual?
Denise: Oh, that’s a thing.
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