Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Jemaine Clement, Emma Thompson, Michael Stuhlbarg, Mike Colter, Nicole Scherzinger, Michael Chernus, Alice Eve, David Rasche, Keone Young, Bill Hader, Cayen Martin
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Sci-fi action comedy sequel directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. The story continues with agents J (Will Smith) and K (Tommy Lee Jones) protecting the Earth from alien scum. However, when an alien criminal called Boris the Animal (Jemaine Clement) escapes, he goes back in time to kill K in order to allow his species, a ruthless alien race known as Boglodites, to attack Earth. This forces Agent J to go back in time and team up with K’s younger self (Josh Brolin) on a mission to save his partner and the world.
Our Favorite Quotes:‘A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway.’ – Griffin (Men in Black 3) Click To Tweet ‘The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lies.’ – Griffin (Men in Black 3) Click To Tweet ‘Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.’ - Agent J (Men in Black 3) Click To Tweet
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 95)
[first lines; a girl in an S&M-type costume with the name ‘Boris’ tattooed on her back, enters a maximum-security facility carrying a cake]
Prison Guard #1: Well, well, Boris The Animal has a visitor. I guess one every four years is okay.
[the other guard scans the cake]
Boris’ Girlfriend: It’s a cake.
Prison Guard #2: I decide what it is.
[the scan reads that it’s ceramic cookware and organic matter
Prison Guard #2: Looks like some kind of cake. She’s clean. Well, not clean, but you know!
[both guards laugh]
Prison Guard #3: Boris The Animal, you’ve got a visitor.
Boris The Animal: It’s just Boris.
[to the girl entering the cell]
Boris The Animal: Your letters have been a soul nourishing tonic.
Boris’ Girlfriend: And you are much more unconventionally handsome than your photos.
[he kisses her with his extremely long tongue and the guards look grossed out]
Prison Guard #4: This ain’t a conjugal visit, so quit your conjugating.
Boris The Animal: When was the last time you conjugated anything?
[to the girl]
Boris The Animal: I see you’ve brought me a treat, darling.
[to the guards]
Boris The Animal: Would you mind cutting this up for us? It’s a special day. I’m a romantic like that.
[the girl holds out the cake towards the guard, one of them steps forward and sticks his finger out to place in the cake]
Boris The Animal: Oh, I wouldn’t do that.
Prison Guard #4: Why is that?
Boris The Animal: It’ll ruin your figure.
[the guard shoves his hand in the cake, suddenly a small spider-like alien leaps out of the cake, shoots spikes into the guards’ foreheads, killing them, it unlocks Boris’ chains, then crawls inside a hole in his palm]
Boris The Animal: You complete me.
[as Boris and the girl break into the arms room and steal a giant gun, they pass an adjacent cell, one of the prisoners yells]
Obadiah Price: Boris, you promised to take me with you! We had a deal!
[Boris opens the prisoners cell]
Boris The Animal: Obadiah Price. Yes, I did make you a promise.
[Boris holds up his hand and shoots him in the head with a palm spike]
[as Boris breaks out through to another cell he is greeted with dozens more guards all pointing their weapons at him]
Lunar Guard: You can’t win, Boris.
Boris The Animal: Mm, let’s agree to disagree.
Lunar Guard: There’s too many of us.
Boris The Animal: Rather hot in here, mind if I open a window?
[Boris shoots a hole in the ceiling, the guards get sucked out into outer space, Boris uses the claws on his feet to hold on to the floor, the girl tries to holds onto Boris’ arm so as to not get sucked out]
Boris The Animal: Sorry, darling. We did love the cake.
[he callously lets her go and she gets sucked out into outer space]
[as Boris breaks out of the prison, he lands on the surface of the moon, he looks straight ahead and says]
Boris The Animal: Let’s rewrite history, shall we K?
[addressing crowd of people who have witnessed a flying saucer crash]
Agent K: Good afternoon. Please give your attention to my associate, Agent J. He’s going to demonstrate an Electro-Biomechanical-Neuro-Transmitting-Zero-Synapses-Repositioner, we call it the Neuralizer.
Agent K: Better keep it simple.
[J turns to the crowd]
Agent J: Thank you, Agent K. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you will, look right here.
[he holds up the Neuralizer and flashes the crowd]
Agent J: Okay. You know how you’re on an airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off, and you’re like; I ain’t turning my cell phone off, that’s doing no harm to the damn airplane?
[pointing to the saucer crash behind him]
Agent J: Well, this is what we get. That’s what happens, it gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, and bam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you’re going to drop off a cliff cause your GPS don’t work.
[referring to the donar kebab meat that’s being roasted on a vertical spit]
Agent J: Seriously, I’m not even sure that’s meat! I think I just saw a tooth in that thing, or a claw, a hoof.
[K takes buys a kebab from the kebab vendor and walks off]
Agent J: That does not belong in a pita, it belongs in a casket.
Agent K: You know, it feels good to eat in silence.
Agent J: But see, here’s the problem. You can’t smell it, because your nose already smells like that, where my nose doesn’t.
Agent K: Silence feels good with a lot of things. Did you ever try it, or is talking the way you breathe?
Agent J: If you hate me, you should just say you hate me. Don’t take it out on the car.
Agent K: You know, I’m enjoying this.
Agent J: Wow! Enjoyment. So, that’s what enjoyment looks like on that face. I like that emotion.
Agent K: Let’s keep emotion out of it.
Agent J: Out of what, K? Life?
Agent J: Sure you don’t want to run it be me, let me know what you’re going to say tonight?
Agent K: Don’t worry.
Agent J: Oh, no. I’m worried. Very worried. It’s the man’s eulogy, you’re going to have to show some feeling. You know that thing that human people do, when they change the expression on their face?
Agent K: I worked with Z for forty years, he was a hell of an agent and I have written a hell of a speech for him. People will be moved.
[J doesn’t look convinced]
Agent J: Mm-hmm.
[at the MIB headquarters, K delivers a eulogy for the recently departed Z]
Agent K: I worked with Z for over forty year, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. He never asked me to his house, or watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life.
[he pauses for a moment]
Agent K: Thank you.
[K walks off and comes to stand next to J, who looks amazed at K’s short eulogy]
Mannix: And now we will hear from our new chief, Agent O.
Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
[J turns to K as he stands next to him]
Agent J: That was your eulogy?
Agent K: He was a good man.
[giving her eulogy for Agent Z]
Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms. When I told the Fenution Zyglot about Z’s passing, she said something that I’m going to repeat, and I’m paraphrasing.
[suddenly O starts screeching out loud, speaking in Zyglot’s language, J looks around him very confused]
Agent O: That’s just so Z. Thank you.
[after Z’s eulogy J and K are driving around in the city]
Agent J: Can you promise me, if I go first, you’ll do better than that at my funeral? You know, something like, uh, “J was a friend, now there’s a big part of me that’s gone. Oh, J, all the things that I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly, and just tight. Cause I was too tight. Now I’m going to just miss your caramel, brown skin.”
Agent K: I’ll wing something.
Agent J: Man, how did you get to be like you? Seriously, something happened, K. What happened?
Agent K: You know how I lived such a happy life.
Agent J: How you lived such a happy life?
Agent K: I don’t ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to.
Agent J: Mm-hmm. That’s deep.
[Boris heads to an electronics store run by Jeffrey Price, the son of Obadiah Price]
Jeffrey Price: Do I know you?
Boris The Animal: You’re services are legendary, so says your father, Obadiah.
Jeffrey Price: You were in Lunar Max.
Boris The Animal: There is no prison that can hold me.
Jeffrey Price: Cool for you. What do you need from me, man?
Boris The Animal: The device. I’m going back in time to kill a man, before he takes my arm.
[as K and J check out the intestinal worms being served to humans at a Chinese restaurant]
Agent J: Ooh, man! These look like they come from the planet damn.
[K and J are sat at a table the Chinese restaurant with the intestinal worm problem]
Agent J: That was just mean, what you did to Hula back there. That’s just disrespectful.
Agent K: I used to play a game with my dad, what would you have for your last meal. We could do worse than this.
Agent J: Oh. Okay. Um, I used to play a game with my dad called catch. Except I would throw the ball and it would just hit the wall, cause he wasn’t there.
Agent K: Don’t bad mouth your old man.
Agent J: I’m not bad mouthing him, I’m just, uh, didn’t really know him.
Agent K: That’s not right.
Agent J: You damn right, it’s not right. A little boy needs a father.
Agent K: Table one hasn’t ordered a thing. Table three, over there, just drank his fourth cup of Doug’s boss.
[K gets a call from O]
Agent O: Hey, the crashed ship from this morning, was stolen from…
Agent K: Lunar Max Prison. Boris The Animal.
Agent O: How did you know?
Agent K: He always had a taste for Spikey Bulba. Give us a minute, will you, Chief.
[he hangs up on O]
Agent J: We’re in a situation.
[an alien walks into the restaurant and turns the open sign to closed]
Agent K: Yeah. I’ll take the Choloropod, you take the Taranovi and the Hydronian over there. I’ll take whoever’s in the kitchen and meet you on the street.
Agent J: This is a very confusing time in my life.
[suddenly one of the aliens gets his alien gun out and the women behind the counters screams, J shoots the alien and K starts shooting at the other aliens in the restaurant]
[as J is battling with a giant alien fish, K runs back to the kitchen, he sees that the restaurant proprietor has been shot with one of Boris’ hand spikes and races up to the roof to confront Boris]
Boris The Animal: Hello, K.
Agent K: Boris The Animal.
Boris The Animal: It’s just Boris!
Agent K: You haven’t changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Boris The Animal: Yes, my arm. We’ve thought about that moment, every day for the last forty years.
Agent K: Well, that’s just not living a full life.
Boris The Animal: I can promise you it will be longer than yours.
Agent K: Lonelier too, since you’re the last Bogladyte standing.
Boris The Animal: We’ll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you.
[just at the moment that Boris holds his palm up to release his palm spike, J opens door to the roof and interjects the spike]
Agent J: Yoh, K…
[J and K use the door to shield themselves from Boris’ hand spikes]
Agent K: Where the hell have you been?
as Boris is shooting his spikes, J and K jump off the roof, using the door to break their fall, Boris looks down on them from the edge of the roof]
Boris The Animal: You don’t know it, K. But you’re already dead.
[after the fight with the aliens and Boris, J joins K at the bar in Chinese restaurant]
Agent J: Man, I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel.
Agent K: Boris The Animal. Putt him away a long time ago, it was the worst mistake I ever made.
Agent J: Why? Was he innocent?
Agent K: Should have killed him.
Agent J: Let’s go get him.
Agent K: No.
Agent J: No?
Agent K: Lunar belongs above your pay grade.
Agent J: We’re partners, we have the same pay grade.
Agent K: It has nothing to do with you, mind your own business.
Agent J: Okay, first of all, let’s get a little bit of that base out of your voice. And secondly, as long as spiky boy’s running around town, this is my whole business.
Agent K: You will forget about Boris, or my report will reflect that your conduct is unbecoming.
Agent J: Well maybe my report is going to reflect some shit too, K.
Agent K: You are suspended for two weeks.
Agent J: Bullshit!
Agent K: Four weeks.
[K gets up from the bar and starts walking out of the restaurant]
Agent J: How about I quit?
[as K opens the door to leave]
Agent K: There are things out there you do not need to know!
Agent J: That’s not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
[after J heads back to MIB headquarters, he finds out that Boris was responsible for some alien murders in 1969, K stopped the Bogladytes and set up the Ark Net defense system and the Bogladytes starved on their way to the next planet]
Agent O: So, why the sudden interest in your partner’s old exploits, hmm?
Agent J: What happened between Boris and K?
Agent O: That’s easy, K imprisoned Boris, he put up the Ark Net, he protected the earth from the Bogladyte. He did his job.
Agent J: You know that’s not what I’m asking you. Cape Canaveral, what happened?
Agent O: Something that changed him. Leave it at that.
Agent J: So you two go way back, huh?
Agent O: That’s classified. A word of advice, Agent J. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.
Agent J: That’s funny, that is exactly what K said.
Agent O: He’s a very wise man. Take the rest of the night off.
[as J is sat in his room at home playing a video game he gets a call from K]
Agent K: Guess I owe you some answers, boss?
Agent J: What, you feeling all chatty all of a sudden? Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I got some secret cases of my own I’m working on.
Agent K: I hate to tare you away from your video game.
Agent J: Alright, I’m hanging up.
[as he’s about to hang up he hears K]
Agent K: Do you know the most destructive force in the universe?
Agent J: Sugar?
Agent K: Regret.
Agent J: You don’t have to wait, just talk.
Agent K: I promised you the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J: So what, there’s some secrets out there that the universe don’t know about?
[K doesn’t answer, J gets fed up and hangs up, K then gets an alien gun, sits in his chair and is then suddenly sucked into a space-time vortex]
[after K is killed, J arrives to pick up K the next morning but finds K’s apartment is occupied by a random lady with kids, he goes to MIB headquarters, gets into the elevator and is joined by another agent who seems to thinks J is his partner]
Agent AA: J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank God for that ten hour stakeout.
Agent J: Uh, who are you?
Agent AA: Exactly. I feel like a whole new man today, like this great weight has been lifted. I mean, I’ve got these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself, and my step mom.
Agent J: Sir, I’m going to need you to stop talking.
Agent AA: It’s like I’ve closed this emotional window. But yesterday I threw a brick right through that window, and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick, J.
Agent J: Okay, whoever you are, I need you to give me five feet, or I’m going to pluck you in your throat.
Agent AA: Okay, well I’m going to go to the little men’s in black room and then we’ll go find those morons from Poxlythera. Lunch is on me.
[as he walks off he slaps J playfully on his ass, J stops another agent walking past him]
Agent J: Who was that?
MIB Agent: Double A, your partner.
[as no one seems to remember K at MIB headquarters, J thinks everybody is playing a trick on him]
Agent J: K? Alright. You got me. I’ll give it to you, it’s funny, very elaborate. Oh, and all of you…
[pointing to all the other agents]
Agent J: Fantastic performances. Okay, I believe you waited fourteen years to develop a sense of humor, but this was a good one. But, K, I need you to come out here now, cause I’m really starting to get a little bit pissed off.
Agent O: Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice down, and telling me who it is you are looking for?
Agent J: I’m looking for K!
Agent O: Who is K?
[J gets frustrated]
Agent J: You too? You too?
Agent O: I mean, who is he to you?
Agent J: My partner! Older gentleman. Hundred and ten, maybe a hundred and eleven years old, sort of surly, Elvis thing happening with him. He smiles, like this…
[J scowls his face trying to imitate K’s face]
Agent O: I’ll take you to K.
Agent J: Thank you.
[O shows J a bunch of statue heads, honoring dead agents, of which one is of K’s head]
Agent J: What is that supposed to be?
Agent O: That’s K. He’s been dead for over forty years.
Agent J: No. Okay, see, the pre-requisite for a joke, is that it be funny.
Agent O: It’s never been funny.
[after O shows J on the computer how K was killed by Boris The Animal in 1969]
Agent J: That’s not what happened, I just looked at this report. K put Boris away…
Agent O: Agent K is dead!
Agent J: Well, I just talked to him last night!
Agent O: You are imagining things.
Agent J: I’m not imagining anything.
[O turns to another agent]
Agent O: I need a psyche team up here right now.
[O starts walking off]
Agent J: Aqua Velva after shave! I didn’t imagine that. Where every stakeout, endless hours of cowboy music. Where every morning with his coffee, and he’d say, ‘I’ll tell you something, slick. This coffee tastes like dirt.’ And I was supposed to say, ‘What do you expect? It was just ground this morning.’
[O repeats the same line and turns to J]
Agent O: How do you know that?
[the agent that had gone to get J some chocolate milk comes up to J with the milk]
Chocolate milk, sir.
Agent J: Where you been, man? It was like an hour ago.
[J starts chugging the chocolate milk]
Agent O: Wait. How long have you been craving chocolate iced dairy products?
Agent J: Just today.
Agent O: Are you experiencing headaches, dizziness, loss of balance?
Agent J: Mm-hmm.
Agent O: Agitation, depression?
Agent J: Hell, yeah!
Agent O: There are only two possibilities. One is you’ve been bitten by the Horbathion brain tick, you could die in horrible agony at any moment.
[suddenly O slaps J hard in the face]
Agent J: Aah!
Agent O: Dammit. It’s not the tick.
Agent J: Dammit it’s not the tick? There’s something worse than the tick?
Agent O: Mm.
Agent O: Your obsession with chocolate milk indicates that you might be involved in some sort of temporal fracture.
Agent J: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Agent O: Chocolate milk relieves temporal fracture headaches.
Agent J: What’s a temporal fracture?
Agent O: A break in the time line.
Agent J: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Agent O: Time travel! Time travel.
Agent J: There is no such thing as time travel.
Agent O: Well, there is.
Agent J: No, there’s not. Because if there were, a class one senior agent, such as myself, would have been made aware of it, wouldn’t he have?
Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
Agent J: You know what? I need a raise.
Agent O: There was one man, scum-bag, Obadiah Price. He figured it out, we busted him, we made time travel illegal throughout the universe, and he is serving life on Lunar Max.
Agent J: No, that’s where Boris was locked up.
Agent O: If Boris could work out how to time jump, he could seriously change the course of history.
[just then alarms go off as a massive Bogladyte fleet is on its way to Earth]
[after the alarm goes off warning about the Bogladytes attacking earth]
Agent J: Bogladyte, Boris is a Bogladyte. But they’re extinct.
Agent O: Apparently not.
[the computer alarm confirms that catastrophic earth attack is imminent]
Agent J: Put up the Ark Net!
Agent O: The what?
Agent J: The Ark Net, the defense system. K got it specifically for the Bogladytes.
Agent O: There is no K. He’s been dead for over forty years.
[J thinks for a moment and figures out what Boris has done]
Agent J: No K. The defense system. Boris jumped back and killed him.
Agent O: If you want to save the world, you’re going to have to stop that from happening. You have to find Jeffrey Price, he’s Obadiah’s son. Let’s hope the little squirt hasn’t skipped town.
[J leaves the MIB headquarters to fine Jeffrey Price]
[J finds Jeffrey Price working in his electronic store, as J enters the store]
Jeffrey Price: Hi, how can I help you? We’re having an amazing sale on batteries.
[suddenly J takes his gun and holds it towards Jeffrey’s face]
Jeffrey Price: Woh! Okay! We got other stuff, like headphones, adapters…!
Agent J: You helped Boris The Animal Time Jump.
Jeffrey Price: Woh! Woh! Okay, I had to! That dude’s a freak!
Agent J: He killed my partner. I want to know when and where you sent him.
Jeffrey Price: What? You think I keep like a log book?
[he looks down at the notebook in front of him on the counter, J opens the books and reads the entry]
Agent J: ‘Target vector, July 16, 1969.’
[J holds his gun in Jeffrey’s face again]
Jeffrey Price: Alright! Alright! That’s a real bummer about your buddy. I’m sure that he was like a really great guy, but terms of the whole space-time continuum, your friend was like a little bleep on the historical radar.
[J turns Jeffrey round to show him the TV monitors showing the news of the attack on earth by Bogladytes]
Jeffrey Price: Oh, that’s a big bleep.
Jeffrey Price: Okay, what’s the plan?
Agent J: You’re going to send me back to July 15, 1969.
Jeffrey Price: No, that’s a stupid plan, because I sent Boris to July 16.
Agent J: I’m not worried about that one. I’m going to go back and kill the younger Boris, before the older one even shows up.
Jeffrey Price: That’ll mean neither of them will even exist! That’s why you get to wear the black suit.
[Jeffrey holds his hand out for out for a fist pump, J just looks at him coldly]
Jeffrey Price: No. You’re going to leave me hanging? Okay. Oh, I just thought of something. You know, even way back then, New York was like a biggish city, so I mean, how are you going to really find him?
Agent J: On July 15, Boris killed an alien , Roman The Fabulist, at Coney Island…
Jeffrey Price: And you’re going to get there first and be waiting for him? Dude, they should give you like, two black suits!
Agent J: My man, for real?
Jeffrey Price: Oh, right. Sorry. Uh, this is the real deal time jump gear.
[Jeffrey shows J the device]
Jeffrey Price: Very rare, very old. But first, we got to get high.
Agent J: Hey, no!
Jeffrey Price: No. No, I mean really high.
[cut to scene where J gets to the top of the Chrysler Building]
[at the top of the Chrysler Building]
Jeffrey Price: You know the rules of the time jumps, right?
Agent J: Give me the short version.
Jeffrey Price: Okay. You want to save your partner? Word of advice; stay away from him.
Agent J: Yeah, I got it. Stay away from K, just kill Boris.
Jeffrey Price: Now, take these cause it gets pretty windy on the way down.
[he hands J a pair of goggles]
Agent J: The way down?
Jeffrey Price: And with your eyes tearing up, it’s hard to read the time dial. Plus it helps you look like a real time traveler, which is cool.
Agent J: I’m not jumping off of this building!
Jeffrey Price: Time jump!
[he takes the time travel device]
Jeffrey Price: Okay. Now, I got to set this thing to fifteen…
[he sets the date and year to 1969]
Jeffrey Price: That seems right-ish. Now, all you got to do is jump.
[Jeffrey pushes J forward to the edge of the Chrysler building]
Agent J: Hey! Hey! Stop! Stop!
[J starts moving slowly towards the edge of the building]
Jeffrey Price: Now, as soon as you’re moving fast enough, that circle is going to fill up with some sort of green time travel liquid, or some such, and it’s going to glow really bright. As soon as that happens, you need to break that blue laser line with your thumb to complete the circuit. At this height, that should be, uh, let’s see, mass of earth of thirty something feet per minute, uh…
Agent J: It’s thirty two feet, per second, per second!
Jeffrey Price: That sounds right-ish. So that would be, I guess, uh, about two feet off the ground.
Agent J: Then I break the laser line?
Jeffrey Price: No! Don’t break it!
Agent J: No, I mean, when I’m fast enough!
Jeffrey Price: Sounds good!
Agent J: Boy, do I break the laser line, or do I not break the laser line?
Jeffrey Price: Do not lose that time device, or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn’t the best time for your people.
[J turns to face Jeffrey]
Jeffrey Price: I’m just saying. It’s like a lot cooler now.
Agent J: How will I know if it works?
Jeffrey Price: You’ll either know, or you won’t!
[J puts on the goggles, getting ready to jump off the Chrysler building]
Jeffrey Price: You must really love this guy to do this.
Oh, wait! How come I remember K, but nobody else does?
Jeffrey Price: Woh! That means you were there!
I was where?
Jeffrey Price: If you survive, you got to come back and tell me everything! Okay?
Where was I?
[Jeffrey notices the Bogladyte ships are getting close to the city]
Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go! Go! Go!
[as J jumps off the building, he falls through time, past dinosaurs, the stock crash of the 1920s, World War II, until finally landing back on top of the Chrysler building in July 15, 1969]
[J feeling disorientated from his time jump, takes the lift down in the Chrysler building, he enters the elevator, standing next to the man already in it]
Agent J: My, man, what’s the day?
1969 Man in Elevator: Tuesday.
Agent J: The date?
1969 Man in Elevator: The fifteenth.
Agent J: Of?
1969 Man in Elevator: July!
Agent J: Duh! The year?
1969 Man in Elevator: 1969!
Agent J: Thank you! Looking at me like I’m crazy!
[in Coney Island, the younger Boris turns up on his bike looking for Roman The Fabulist, he stops his bike in front of two young hippies]
Coney Island Hippie: Far out, man!
[the man goes to touch Boris’ bike]
Boris The Animal: If you want to keep that, I wouldn’t.
Coney Island Flower Child: Make love, not war.
Boris The Animal: I prefer to do both.
[the two young hippies laugh, Boris watches then for a moment and then imitates their laughter and rides off on his bike]
[after J steals a car from a rich white guy and makes his way to Coney Island, he gets pulled over by two white cops]
Agent J: How are you officers? What can I do you for?
[the cops ignore J]
1969 NYPD Cop #1: Well, look at this. Power windows, powers seats. I’ll bet you the thing costs six grand.
Agent J: Uh, yes, and it has a roof, but it’s hidden.
1969 NYPD Cop #2: Hey, what kind of work do you do? An individual of your particular ethnic persuasion?
Agent J: Mm.
1969 NYPD Cop #1: Maybe he’s a noted athlete.
Agent J: Mm. Yes, uh, starting forward for the Detroit Darkies.
1969 NYPD Cop #1: Where did you get the car?
1969 NYPD Cop #2: And the suit?
Agent J: I stole them, both. Uh, car from your wife, the suit from your grandmother.
[as the cops have J bent over the car as they give him a shakedown]
Agent J: Hey!
[one of the cops finds J’s gun]
1969 NYPD Cop #1: What do we have here? Concealed weapon?
Agent J: Hey, it’s his grandmother’s suit!
[the other cop takes J’s neuralizer]
1969 NYPD Cop #2: Hey, what’s this?
1969 NYPD Cop #1: Probably drugs.
Agent J: Listen, I have rights and I demand to see my lawyer before you press that small button on the side firmly.
1969 NYPD Cop #1: Press it.
[the cop holding the neuralizer presses the button and they are both neuralized]
Agent J: That gentlemen is a standard issue Neuralizer, but you’re not going to remember that. And just because you see a black man driving in a nice car, does not mean he stole it.
[J pauses for a moment before admitting]
Agent J: I stole that one. But not cause I’m black!
[J gets back in the car and as he drives off he promises to give the car back to the owner]
[after J fails to stop Boris from killing Roman The Fabulist at the at the Coney Island fair, J tries to shoot Boris but he’s intercepted by the younger K who electrocutes J and takes him MIB headquarters]
Agent J: You need to turn the electricity down on that damn thing. Can’t touch my frigging tongue, K.
Young Agent K: How do you know my name?
Agent J: What, cause I called you K? I call everybody K. It’s kind of my thing.
[J turns to one of the agents walking past him]
Agent J: What up, K?
[to another agent walking past him]
Agent J: K! What’s up?
[J turns to K]
Agent J: It’s, uh, it’s kind of my thing. I just, some people like it. Most people.
Young Agent K: Now I know what you look like when you’re lying.
[K places J’s gun, neuralizer and the time travel device on the desk]
Young Agent K: Why don’t you show me what you look like when you’re telling the truth?
Agent J: I won those at Coney Island on the ring toss.
Young Agent K: I won a stuffed bear once, but never one of these. You must be good, slick.
Agent J: Alright, sir. I was minding my own business, I was out there waiting for my girl, who by the way is probably worried sick looking for me right now. So, I just, I need to, I need my things and I need to get back to her.
Young Agent K: What’s your gal’s name?
Agent J: Huh?
Young Agent K: Your gal, what’s her name?
Agent J: Shtern.
Young Agent K: Shtern?
[J nods his head]
Young Agent K: I bet Shtern likes that suit of yours, hm?
Agent J: What, it’s a crime to wear a black suit? Alright, listen. I haven’t done anything wrong, and I need to get out of here so I cannot be here with you.
[young O interrupts young K’s interrogation of J]
Young Agent O: Terribly sorry.
[turns to young K]
Young Agent O: X is frightfully upset about the whole Coney Island incident.
Young Agent K: Thanks for the heads up.
[young K takes a sip of his coffee]
Young Agent K: Oh, man. This coffee tastes like dirt.
Young Agent O: What do you expect? It was just ground this morning.
[J repeats the last line with young O]
Agent J: O?
[young K looks at J suspiciously]
Agent J: Now, I call ladies O. To me, O is feminine, K is masculine. I see a couple, I’m like, OK!
Young Agent K: Okay, slick.
Agent J: I was waiting for my girl.
Young Agent K: Shtern.
Agent J: Yes, she’s Greek.
Young Agent K: Okay, just one last thing. An eye exam.
[J is now strapped and being carried towards a giant old fashioned neuralizer]
Agent J: That’s not an eye exam, K! That’s a big-assed neuralizer!
Young Agent K: You sure know a lot of information for a fellow who doesn’t know anything.
Agent J: I see what you’re saying.
[as the MIB Techs turn J to enter him into the giant neuralizer]
Agent J: Woh! Hey, you know what, K? We need to hold up a second. K?
MIB Tech #1: Let’s just get this bite guard in here.
Agent J: Hey, back up! Back up!
[to young K]
Agent J: K, listen. I think we got off on the wrong foot, alright? So, let’s just stop for a second and talk. Don’t put me in here, K!
Young Agent K: Too late, hoss.
[J gets entered into the neuralizer]
[after J has been entered into the giant neuralizer]
Agent J: K! Listen to me! If you erase me, you erase the whole world!
[the neuralizer starts counting down from 15 seconds to neuralization]
Agent J: When you see Boris tomorrow, K, kill him. Do not arrest him, kill him!
[suddenly young K stops the neuralizer]
Agent J: Is this thing off? Hey, I don’t think it’s all the way off, K. It’s whirling and buzzing. I don’t know if I don’t know nothing.
[as J is ejected out of the neuralizer]
Young Agent K: I knew Roman. His wife cooked me dinner once, and while it was not pleasant, he was my friend. Last chance. Who are you and what do you know?
Agent J: I’m an agent in Men in Black, but I’m from the future. We’re partners. Twenty five years from now, you’re going to recruit me, fourteen years after that, the guy you didn’t let me kill today at Coney Island, he escapes from prison and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full scale invasion of earth. We got about nineteen hours to catch him and kill him, so really, we need to go right now.
[J takes a breath, young K gives him a blank look for a moment before replying]
Young Agent K: Alright.
Agent J: So that’s the story you believe?
Young Agent K: That one was the truth. It wasn’t the whole truth, but I guess it’ll do for now?
Agent J: What the hell are you talking about? Of course it’s the whole truth. I told you everything. Problem with a lie is, once you start lying, you put yourself…
[young K gives J a cold look]
[as they get into young K’s car after leaving MIB headquarters]
Young Agent K: Okay, future man, where to?
Agent J: I don’t know.
Young Agent K: What do you mean, you don’t know?
Agent J: I don’t know. Uh, go wherever you went last time.
Young Agent K: I haven’t been here last time. I didn’t tell you where I went?
Agent J: No, I mean, we don’t really talk.
Young Agent K: What kind of partners sit in a car all day everyday for fourteen years and don’t talk?
Agent J: Exactly! And this is the type of problem it causes, it’s dysfunctional.
Young Agent K: Alright, sport. You better get useful real quick or you’re going back in room forty three.
Agent J: Man, uh, there was something in the file about a factory. Something happened at a factory.
[young K looks at J coldly]
Agent J: Hey, look man, you can put your Jedi knight on me all you want. That’s all I got.
[young K turns and starts the car]
Agent J: Did I spark something?
Young Agent K: Roman had this on his person when he was murdered.
[he hands J a matchbook from a place called Cosmic Bowling Lanes]
Young Agent K: It’s a matchbook.
Agent J: No, it’s a clue. He didn’t smoke.
[as young K drives J keeps looking and him]
Young Agent K: You lose something over here, Honda?
Agent J: No, uh, hey man, how old are you?
Young Agent K: Twenty-nine.
Agent J: Ooph! You got some city miles on you.
Young Agent K: I’m starting to understand why we don’t talk.
[as young K and J head to Cosmic Bowling Lane, K leaves J handcuffed in the car while he checks the place out alone]
Young Agent K: Need to see the boss.
Four-Armed Alien: He’s busy.
Young Agent K: Mm. Alright, well, I might just take a look around.
[suddenly the alien draws his four arms, all holding a gun pointed at young K while K draws his gun and points it at the alien at the same time]
Young Agent K: Looks like we have ourselves a standoff.
Four-Armed Alien: Looks that way.
[suddenly J hits the four armed alien over the head from behind knocking him out]
Agent J: Still keep the key under the ashtray.
Young Agent K: Lucky guess.
[young K turns to the other alien]
Young Agent K: Now where were we?
Bowling Ball Head: I was just about to tell you to screw off.
Young Agent K: Hey, slick, you bowl in the future?
Agent J: Absolutely. I might be league champ three years running.
Young Agent K: Well, let’s see it.
[young K rips off the head of the alien which is shaped like a bowling ball]
Bowling Ball Head: You did not just walk into my establishment and rip my head off!
[J holds the head of the alien between his hands]
Agent J: My man, look. We don’t have a lot of time for this, we really need you tell him something.
Bowling Ball Head: Tell him this!
[where his body is standing he sticks arm out, J gets frustrated and starts playing bowling with the alien’s head until he tells them that where his boss is]
[after young K and J fined the alien that runs the Bowling Lane has been killed by Boris]
Young Agent K: Well, we’re on the right track.
Agent J: Just the wrong train.
Young Agent K: If he had any secrets, I guess he spilled them.
Agent J: Smart man would figure out what your victims have in common.
Young Agent K: Smart man would.
[young K takes out a giant old looking cellphone from his jacket]
Agent J: That’s a big-assed phone.
[as K makes a call on the phone]
Agent J: Don’t put that up to your head!
Total Quotes: 95