Starring: Jaeden Martell, Adrian Greensmith, Isis Hainsworth, Joe Manganiello, Brett Gelman, Sufe Bradshaw, Katie O’Grady, Michelle Mao
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Netflix teen comedy music drama directed by Peter Sollett and written by D.B. Weiss. Metal Lords (2022) follows two teenagers Kevin and Hunter (Jaeden Martell and Adrian Greensmith), who want to start a heavy metal band in a high school where exactly two kids care about heavy metal. They try to find a bass player, and fail, but they do find Emily (Isis Hainsworth), who is very good at cello, which causes tension between the two friends. But in order to win the Battle of the Bands, they all need to work together and settle their differences.
Our Favorite Quotes:
'Metal is power. Metal is speed. Metal is the key to everything.' - Hunter (Metal Lords Trailer) Share on X
Best Quotes
Kevin: [voice over] All it takes to be great is commitment and sacrifice, which is what metal’s all about. Or maybe it’s about power, or sticking it to the man, or denim, or motorcycles, or speed, or the devil. I don’t totally understand it, but Hunter says I don’t have to. All I have to do is…
Hunter: Play something heavy, man.
Emily: C***!
Teacher: You can’t say that in America.
Kevin: [voice over] That seems pretty metal to me, but I’m not sure.
Kevin: [voice over] If we devote ourselves to metal, we’ll own this school. Everybody will see what we really are and worship us like gods. I’m willing to give it a try.
Kevin: How do they do it?
Hunter: [referring to Clay’s band] What are you talking about? This is like three chords, and they still can’t get it right. They suck. Look at the drummer. He’s high out of his mind.
Kevin: [referring to people at the party] I mean, them, all of them. How did they just do this, like it’s the easiest thing ever?
Hunter: Things are going to happen for us. Someday, all these people are going to be like, “Holy s**t! Kevin Schlieb and Hunter Sylvester? I went to high school with those guys. I could’ve even hung out with them, maybe.” But it’s going to be too late, because we’re going to be too busy hanging out with the guys from Iron Maiden.
Hunter: You guys suck, bruh.
Clay: I’m sorry that you feel that way. Do you play?
Hunter: Yeah, I have a band. Me and my friend over here. A real band. A serious band. Not like you f***tards.
Clay: I guess we’ll be seeing you at the Battle of the Bands then.
Hunter: There hasn’t been a Battle of the Bands since Dave Migdall hung brain on stage.
Clay: There is this year. Go sign up with Dean Swanson, but maybe don’t say f***tard, because she’s a Special Olympics ambassador.
Hunter: Not letting us play just because we’re a post-death metal band would be a complete violation of our First Amendment rights.
Dean Swanson: Your First Amendment rights as a minor are unclear, but I agree it would be wrong to exclude you.
Hunter: So why didn’t anybody tell us about it?
Dean Swanson: Well, I wasn’t aware you had a death metal…
Frank: Post-death.
Dean Swanson: Thank you, Frank. A post-death metal band.
Hunter: [to Kevin] This is huge for us. Battle of the Bands is where it starts for people.
Earl: What’s all this stuff?
Kevin: My drums.
Earl: Drums are dumb.
Kevin: I saw you on the field.
Emily: Yeah, that was my fault. I hadn’t taken my meds for like a week.
Kevin: I take Pepcid, so.
Kevin: Do you like heavy metal at all?
Emily: Like Rock of Ages?
Kevin: No. More like post-death doom metal?
Emily: I don’t know what that is.
Dr. Sylvester: What kind of girlie name is Malmsteen of Gorgoroth?
Hunter: I don’t know, Dad. Why don’t you ask one of your real housewives while you’re shoving water balloons into their tits?
'You're not a fault. There may be something wrong with you, but you're perfect.' - Kevin (Metal Lords) Share on X
Dr. Sylvester: [to Hunter] You just remember that those implants are what paid for your guitar, your incel action figures, and all your dumba** Satan-worship T-shirts!
Kevin: [referring to Emily] I’m telling you, she’s really good.
Hunter: We need a bass player. A metal bass player.
Kevin: She can be metal.
Hunter: That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Kevin: Why? Why is that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?
Hunter: Because a cello-playing girl is so non-metal that even thinking about it is evaporating my balls.
Kevin: A lot of the time, Hunter, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Hunter: Drive. If he gets close enough, you’re just as f***ed as I am. You slow down, you die. That’s metal.
Kevin: That is a dumb Keanu Reeves movie!
Kevin: [voice over] I understand now. Metal is commitment, and speaking truth to power, and sticking it to the man, and speed. Metal is taking the wheel.
Hunter: [referring to is new hairstyle] Yeah, I kind of look like Jason Newsted from Metallica, the bass player.
Kevin: Oh, right. The one who got fired.
Hunter: [referring to his hairstyle] It’s more Viking than Newsted.
Kevin: Yeah, like the school mascot.
Hunter: No. No, not like the school mascot. Less like the school mascot than anything on Earth. More like a baby’s d**k than the school mascot.
Kevin: [voice over] It doesn’t feel like a good time to tell Hunter that I don’t want to be in a band that sounds like people being tortured. But I think it’s time for him to seriously consider the only good option we have. No, it’s a great option. It is time to speak truth to power.
Hunter: It’s nothing personal, Emily. It’s just you’re not consistent with the image we’re trying to project, like I told Kevin.
Hunter: Kevin, we are a metal band. We are not an indie metal band. We are not an alt-metal band. We are not a sort of metal band. We are a metal band. And for us to have a cello player instead of a bass player would be completely gay.
'You're not nothing. You're something. You're somebody.' - Hunter (Metal Lords) Share on X
Kevin: Gay? Our band is called Skullf***er. Skullf***er. You named it that to impress girls? We’re going to die virgins in a band called Skullf***er.
Kevin: [awkwardly to Emily] What I meant was, we’re not…
Hunter: Oh, come on. Like she didn’t know.
Kevin: [over phone, as he’s apologizing for Hunter] I was talking about that stuff he said about girl cello players in a metal band being gay.
Emily: Right. Sorry.
Kevin: First of all, that’s a totally messed up thing to say.
Emily: Well, maybe he’s right.
Kevin: No, he’s not. And you’re not.
Emily: Not what? Are we talking gayness, or heavy metal, or virginity?
Kevin: All of them, I think. They seem related.
Emily: You are, right?
Kevin: Gay? I don’t think so. I guess there’s sort of a spectrum.
Emily: A virgin.
Kevin: Oh. Yes, definitely.
Hunter: [as Kevin turns up to band practice late] What came up?
Kevin: Nothing.
Hunter: I thought it was something. You said it was something.
Kevin: Well, I was wrong. It was nothing.
Hunter: I can imagine something being more important than a band practice. Actually, I can’t. But I definitely can’t see how nothing could be more important, Kevin.
Kevin: Well, nothing is more important. Or nothing isn’t more important.
Hunter: I don’t need Abbott and Costello from you, okay? I need a drummer. A real drummer. Metal is commitment, Kevin. It’s dedication, sacrifice, mortification of the flesh, and all that s**t. It’s serious. And if you’re not going to be, if you’ll be all “girls with cello, showing up whenever I feel like it”, then this isn’t going to work. And we’re not going to win the Battle of the Bands, and then you’re going to be a loser for the rest of your life.
Kevin: On the field, when I first saw you, did it feel good to throw stuff and yell at people?
Emily: No. It feels good to not want to throw stuff and yell at people. You’re my happy pill.
Trailer: