Starring: Adan Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Mark Strong, Mélanie Laurent, Jodie Turner-Smith, John Kani, Kuhoo Verma, Enrique Arce, Zurin Villanueva, Tony Goldwyn, Annie Mumolo, Dany Boon, Adeel Akhtar
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Netflix comedy mystery sequel directed by Jeremy Garelick. Murder Mystery 2 (2023) follows Nick and Audrey Spitz (Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston) four years after solving their first murder mystery and are now full-time detectives struggling to get their private eye agency off the ground. When they’re invited to celebrate the wedding of their friend the Maharaja (Adeel Akhtar) on his private island, trouble follows the Spitzes again when the groom is kidnapped for ransom soon after the festivities begin, making each glamorous guest, family member, and the bride herself a suspect.
Best Quotes
Narrator: Four years ago, Nick and Audrey Spitz solved some of the most high-profile murders of the century. Like many overnight success stories, Nick and Audrey immediately quit their jobs and poured their life savings into pursuing a career as private investigators. Unfortunately, it’s not going very well.
Narrator: With business struggling, Nick and Audrey could only pray for a miracle that someone close to them would be killed.
Nick: It’s called “disruptive marketing”.
Audrey: It’s not disruptive. It’s confusing. We’re not dentists.
Nick: Do you know any couples who also work together that actually get along?
Audrey: Billie Eilish and Finneas.
Nick: They’re brother and sister.
The Maharajah: Yoh, Nick. Broski. My brosephus. The Maharajah is getting married!
Nick: [after Vikram invites them to his private island wedding] I got to say, I really could like use a getaway.
Audrey: Honey, do you remember what happened the last time we went on a getaway?
Nick: Yeah. Some people died.
Audrey: Not Some. A lot of people.
Nick: You think five people dying is a lot?
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: You like the view, Mr. and Mrs. Shitz?
Audrey: Oh. You know what? Excuse me. I’m so sorry. We’re Nick and Audrey Spitz.
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: Would you like some music, Mr. and Mrs. Shitz?
Nick: We’re the Spitzes not the Shitzes. Okay?
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: Yes, I have some Pitbull, or Taylor Shitz.
Nick: Okay. He’s sticking with the Shitz.
Audrey: Puts “Shitz” at the end of everything.
Audrey: Where are you from?
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: I’m from the European!
Nick: We’re guessing Shitzerland?
'He wrote the book.' - Audrey, 'On what? How Rogaine doesn't work for everybody?' - Nick (Murder Mystery 2) Share on X
Nick: [after they land on the island] The flamingos got diapers on so they don’t crap the lawn!
The Maharajah: [to Nick and Audrey] The heroes of Lake Como! And my sister! And my brother! From another mother-trucking mother!
Nick: Hey, thanks for the wedding invite. So happy you could squeeze us in.
The Maharajah: No, for sure, man! We had extra seats because my parents died.
Audrey: Oh! I’m so sorry.
Nick: That’s terrible.
The Maharajah: No! I’m just kidding!
Nick: Oh, okay. So, they’re coming?
The Maharajah: No. They died. But they were never going to come. Because I hated them.
Audrey: Oh, my God. What happened to your arm?
Colonel Ulenga: Is it that noticeable?
Audrey: Well, last time we saw, you had a lot more of your arm.
Colonel Ulenga: Well, if I had to lose one, that would be the one to lose, because it’s already missing a hand.
Nick: And you don’t have to share the armrest now at the movie theater.
Audrey: [referring to their gift box] I cannot believe this!
Nick: We get our own iPhones!
Audrey: No way!
Nick: What the hell did we give out at our wedding?
Audrey: Oh, flip-flops!
Nick: Flip-flops, and we gave out Advil, or some s**t?
'We got good cheese. We got the free iPhones. I'm happy with everything.' - Nick (Murder Mystery 2) Share on X
Nick: Oh, how handsome are you, man?
Colonel Ulenga: I only have eye for you, Nick.
Francisco: I have made love to more than ten thousand women. None as ravishing as you.
Audrey: Okay. Well, speaking of staggering numbers, this is my husband of sixteen years.
Nick: I’ve made love to one woman. And I did it terribly, by the way.
Countess Sekou: [to Audrey] That’s quite the plate. Do they not have food where you come from?
Audrey: So are you reading because you don’t like weddings like this, or…
Saira: No, you know, it’s more that I don’t like people. I mean, these people in particular.
'Two bad guys never works out. One always double-crosses the other.' - Nick, 'It's just like a cliché of the genre.' - Audrey (Murder Mystery 2) Share on X
Francisco: And I guess you’re both acquainted with Vikram’s harpy of a sister.
Nick: Did he say “herpe”?
Audrey: Harpy.
Countess Sekou: [to Francisco] Ever wonder what it feels like to be tall enough to ride a rollercoaster?
Nick: [after Vikram’s bodyguard dies being stabbed] This is a distraction.
Audrey: From what?
Nick: From the escape!
Audrey: And we’re going to get Vik back, okay?
Nick: We’re going to do this for the low, low price of twenty-five million dollars.
Audrey: Twenty-five mil, honey. I swear to God.
Nick: I would’ve settled for ten grand.
Audrey: So insane.
'If you need something done correctly, you should just do it yourself.' - Saira (Murder Mystery 2) Share on X
Nick: I’m blocking the door so no one can get in.
Audrey: Honey, you know what? You’re going to hurt your back.
Nick: You know what would hurt my back? A knife going through it. The killer knows we’re on to him. We’re on the next-to-kill list. I guarantee it.
Audrey: Oh, God. We’re not going to be invited anywhere ever again. Ever again.
Audrey: What if that’s the killer?
Nick: Killers don’t knock.
Audrey: We’ve been here ten minutes. You need more towels?
Nick: You use like thirty towels after every shower.
Audrey: Oh. I’m sorry. At least I shower.
Nick: Well, alright. You got me there.
Nick: The cheese is gone.
Audrey: Where is it?
Nick: I put it in my stomach.
Audrey: You ate that entire block of cheese?
Nick: Trying to shame me. I don’t know if that’s going to get the cheese back.
Nick: [as each of the guests keep turning up at their door] It’s like an after-party. You know, people just show up.
Audrey: [as someone is knocking at their door] What if that is the killer?
Nick: Don’t you kind of want it to be the killer so they can kill us? I am sick of this s**t.
Countess Sekou: He has had over eight-five paternity suits filed against him. We suspect he’s been siphoning money out of the company in order to pay for all of these babies he made.
Francisco: That’s a lie! But not the part about the babies. Yes, that’s true. I’ve spread my seed far and wide, but I have never stolen in my life.
Francisco: [referring to Miller and his team] The real detectives have just arrived.
Audrey: [referring to Miller] He wrote the book.
Nick: On what? How Rogaine doesn’t work for everybody?
Audrey: The book! Our course detective book!
Miller: You must be the Spitz’s.
Audrey: Yes, we are!
Miller: Your reputations precede you.
Nick: There you go.
Audrey: Why, thank you.
Nick: That’s nice to hear.
Miller: Not in a positive way, I’m afraid.
Nick: Okay.
Miller: [to Nick and Audrey] I understand the last time you were involved in something like this, everybody died?
Miller: [to Nick and Audrey] A husband and wife, one an NYPD almost-detective, the other a hairdresser taking online classes. Together they run a private detective agency that’s teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. And if I were to hazard a guess, I’d say it’s probably taking a toll on their marriage. Desperate to give validity to their failing business, they accept a last-minute invite from a billionaire businessman to attend his wedding. And so, a plan is born. Twenty-four hours after their arrival, there’s a high-profile kidnapping, the sort that gets attention. A career maker. How’s my reasoning, fellow detectives?
Nick: [after Miller accuses them of the kidnapping] None of it was true. But I was starting to go with it because of the way you phrase things.
Audrey: Actually, I almost believed him.
Nick: The accent helps, of course.
Nick: We got good cheese. We got the free iPhones. I’m happy with everything.
Audrey: Where are you going? Did you hear what that guy just said about us? None of that’s true! We need to show those people what Nick and Audrey Spitz are all about.
Nick: It’s not my first rodeo, pal.
Miller: You’ve done hostage negotiation?
Nick: I’m married to this lady. Everything’s a negotiation. I got it.
Kidnapper’s Voice: For the return of the Maharajah, we require fifty million dollars.
Francisco: Fifty putos millones?
Nick: Francisco, you think this is like The Price Is Right, screaming out numbers?
Francisco: Way too much money for just one guy.
Nick: [referring to Francisco] The guy’s hammered right now, and I’m catching s**t for it!
Countess Sekou: There’s the “taking-a-toll-on-the-marriage” thing.
Audrey: Excuse me! At least we are married.
Nick: Yeah. Alright? Calm down. This is how we communicate. We’re from New York.
Colonel Ulenga: They did it. Got the trace.
Audrey: We did? See? Team Buffoon wins again!
Nick: [referring to their phones] We’ll get them back, right? Because these are brand-new. We got them for free. In the gift bags. They gave them to us.
Nick: [as Miller destroys their phones] Can’t believe that just happened.
Audrey: I don’t think we’re going to get our phones back.
Nick: I had a d**k pic on mine, but that’s gone.
Nick: [to Audrey] My aim is fine. Why are you saying this in front of this guy right now? That would be like me saying you wear Spanx in front of a supermodel. So, I’ll take the gun, because I’m very good with a gun. In fact, they used to call me “Nicky Guns” on the force. That was my nickname. Gang members used to ask me for advice on the weekends because I shot so well. I’d say, “I can’t tell you. I don’t want to help you guys.”
Nick: This is the heaviest goddamn case of money I’ve ever felt. Why couldn’t they just Venmo?
Audrey: Number three. Don’t get in the van.
Creepy Mask Guy: Get in the van, or I’ll shoot you both in the stomach, take you to the countryside, and then feed you to the swine.
Nick: Okay. Let’s get in the van.
Audrey: Oh, my God. I’m so sorry!
Nick: Don’t apologize, honey. You killed the kidnapper!
Nick: Shoot this guy!
Audrey: Can I just shoot him in the leg? I don’t want to kill anybody else!
Nick: What is the difference? You’re already a murderer!
Audrey: I don’t want to be a mass murderer!
Nick: [to Audrey] Sweetheart, you’re not just a mass murderer. You’re an axe murderer!
Audrey: Honey, he’s moving. He’s moving. Oh, my God. I think he might be okay.
Nick: Those are death twitches, honey!
Nick: [as they see on the news they’re wanted for the kidnapping] I didn’t take a cheese knife. I took the cheese!
Audrey: Why did you grab it? Why did you have cheese?
Nick: I had cheese because I had the hookah munchies, and it was good cheese.
Audrey: That knife never left the room, Nick.
Nick: But it did leave the room. Maybe they stole the knife so they could deepfake us.
Audrey: How did they find us so fast?
Miller: Well, they’ve got seventy million reasons.
Miller: We may not be equals, but we do share a passion. I see that now. Hurrah!
Nick: [to Audredy] Hey, I was wrong. That guy is a stud.
Audrey: Honey, what if Miller is the kidnapper?
Nick: He said he’s going to meet us at nineteen hundred hours at the Madeleine.
Audrey: I know. I know. But bad people, they lie. Alright? And we just handed the guy seventy million dollars.
Nick: Oh, God. Maybe you’re right.
Nick: We’re Europe’s most wanted again, sweetheart. We better run!
Inspector Delacroix: You are under arrest.
Nick: No.
Audrey: I can never tell when you’re being serious.
Nick: He looks serious. Are you serious?
Inspector Delacroix: For kidnapping the Maharajah, murdering his bodyguard, stealing seventy million dollars, destroying many city blocks, and, I’m assuming, sneaking into the opera.
Audrey: We didn’t do all of that.
Nick: We did number four and number six.
Inspector Delacroix: I have an app to track the vehicle with that plate.
Audrey: They have an app for that? God.
Nick: You got Shazam on that after? I just, I want to know what song this is.
Inspector Delacroix: What can I say? Shooters got to shoot.
Audrey: Colonel, we did not do this.
Colonel Ulenga: I know that, but they have your fingerprints all over the murder weapon, and footage of you running out of the tent with it.
Audrey: Typical Spitz vacation insanity.
Countess Sekou: I love money. And when I heard that you two amateurs were going to be handling so much of it, I just had to have it.
Imani: “Had to have it.”
Audrey: So you didn’t plant that knife?
Nick: Or deepfake that footage?
Audrey: Or slip something into our drinks that night at the villa?
Nick: Why are we bringing that up? It’s not relevant, honey.
Audrey: Of course that is relevant!
Nick: [to Imani] Two bad guys never works out. One always double-crosses the other.
Audrey: It’s just like a cliché of the genre.
Nick: We’ve seen this before.
Audrey: So many times.
Nick: Trust us.
Audrey: [referring to Sekou and Imani] Oh, my God. We are so getting blamed for both those a**holes being dead.
Audrey: I love you, dental floss business cards.
Francisco: Why all of a sudden the Interpol gets involved?
Inspector Delacroix: The heinous nature of the crimes. Several murders. A kidnapping. The destruction of the oldest cafe in Paris. The tying up of a very handsome opera fan.
Nick: And, Inspector, we tried to start your car up. But couldn’t get it done, so we left it there.
Inspector Delacroix: What?
Nick: We stole a Lamborghini. You can have that when we’re done with it.
Audrey: Francisco, chairman of the board. With the Maharajah gone, you can embezzle all the money you want to cover all those paternity suits for your two thousand children.
Francisco: I say we make it two thousand and one, huh?
Audrey: Get out of my face. Disgusting pig.
Claudette: But what about the Colonel? What’s his motive?
Nick: Well, maybe he just is sick of working for rich people because you guys suck. Or maybe the Colonel needed enough money to afford himself a bionic arm.
Colonel Ulenga: I looked into it. They’re not very expensive.
Nick: How much are we talking?
Colonel Ulenga: Twenty, thirty K.
Nick: That’s it? Jeez, maybe I should get something like that.
Colonel Ulenga: You’re going to have to lose an arm for that.
Nick: Well, I wasn’t talking about for the arm.
Nick: “Thousands of studies have shown that the kidnapper will do nothing to jeopardize the receiving of the ransom.” Chapter nine, section three, written by Mr. Connor Miller.
Audrey: You read the book.
Nick: From cover to cover, sweetheart, and it sucked.
Miller: Now, if you had, in fact, read my book properly, you’d remember that revealing the identity of a heretofore anonymous criminal puts all those privy to that information at risk. Which means I’m going to have to kill you all.
Miller: [to Audrey] There really is no end to your bad decision making, is there?
Miller: I’m glad my biggest fan is going to get to see this.
Audrey: Actually, not as much of a fan as I used to be.
Miller: Well, that’s a shame, because I’m about to teach my final lesson. How to blow up the Eiffel Tower and get away with it.
Audrey: You would never do that.
Miller: There’s only one thing I hate more than witnesses, and that’s the French.
The Maharajah: [referring to the bomn strapped to his chest] Get this s**t off me, man. I feel vulnerable!
Saira: The vest is a medium. You haven’t been a medium since you were fourteen years-old!
Nick: [referring Francisco headbutting Miller’s thug] How the hell do you do that without getting a concussion?
Francisco: God’s gift! He will never blink again.
Nick: It’s all good, babe! Nicky Two Guns in the house!
Nick: [as he’s fighting with Miller] I must have missed the chapter on face-kicking.
Audrey: Hey, Miller! My husband was right. Your book sucked.
Saira: You guys, haven’t we done this already? I love my brother. I mean, what reason would I have to…
Nick: Maybe because your parents gave him the family business, even though you’re the smart one, and he’s the Jet Skiing rapper want tobe with no skill at all? No offense.
The Maharajah: Some taken.
Audrey: [after the Colonel gets shot in the arm] Oh! This poor guy, honey! He’s running out of arms!
Colonel Ulenga: [after he saves Vikram from getting shot] That Kwanzaa bonus better be off the hook this year.
The Maharajah: Hey, it’s bionic arm time, b**ch!
Nick: Sorry about your sister being a psycho, by the way.
The Maharajah: Ah, don’t worry about it. She was a real piece of s**t.
Audrey: Yes, she was.
Nick: [as they attach a love lock to the Pont des Arts] Now we are forever locked up together for the rest of our lives.
Audrey: I would never want to be locked up with anybody else.
Nick: Me neither, sweetheart. You are…
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: The Shitz!
Nick: What?
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: Nick and Audrey Shitz!
The Maharajah: [to Nick and Audrey] Just ten million! Don’t spend it all in one place! But if you do spend it all, just sell the briefcase. It’s worth three million! It’s dinosaur leather!
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: [as he points his gun at them] How are you liking those drinks?
Nick: Are you s**tz-ing us right now?
Nick: [as the pilot takes their bag of money] What happened to the accent?
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: It’s back in Jersey.
Audrey: Let’s just have a little civilized conversation.
Shitz Helicopter Pilot: [as he jumps out of the plane] See you never, Shitzes!
Trailer: