Starring: Kevin Hart, Tiffany Haddish, Taran Killam, Rob Riggle, Ben Schwartz, Yvonne Orji
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy directed by Malcolm D. Lee in which the story follows Teddy Walker (Kevin Hart), who after he causes an explosion at his business, is forced to enroll to attend adult classes in the longshot chance he’ll pass the GED exam to finish high school.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 55)
Teddy: Lisa’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t want to mess this one up, man.
Lisa: Do you smell gas?
Teddy: I was nervous, babe. I didn’t know you’d smell it. I tried…
Lisa: No. Um, actual propane?
Teddy: Why don’t you go stand outside? I’ll situate everything in here, and I’ll get you home.
Teddy: I love you.
Lisa: Be ready.
Lisa: So, guys, my sweet little Teddy bear just popped the question. And big surprise, I said yes!
[suddenly Teddy is being blasted onto the car from the gas explosion in the shop]
Lisa: Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, God! Baby! Teddy, are you okay?
Teddy: I need you to tell my fiancée there’s been an accident.
Lisa: Baby, it’s me. Can you see me? Baby, I’m your fiancée.
Teddy: Good. I’ve been in an accident.
Teddy: Dude, I’ve been looking for a job everywhere, man. But there are no decent sales jobs for an employee of the month at Barbecue City.
Marvin: We’d hire you here, but you need to get your GED. Think about it. These guys bullshit clients all day about funds they don’t understand. You would be a natural.
Teddy: So you’re saying that if I graduate from high school that then you could give me job here?
Marvin: Yeah. But you hate school so why are we even having this conversation?
Teddy: No, no, no. I’m not talking about going to school. I’m talking about getting my GED, and that’s different. See, to get my GED, all I got to do is go to the school, charm the principal a little bit. Right?
Teddy: Get what I want, which is my GED. Sounds pretty easy to me, Marv.
Marvin: If you got your GED…
Marvin: I could probably hook you up.
[on the phone]
Lisa: You’re going to be a financial analyst?
Teddy: Yes, I am! I am, babe, and it starts immediately. I was talking to Marv, and he says that they could really use somebody with my skill set at his firm.
Lisa: That’s great! That’s a great opportunity.
Teddy: Um, Yeah. I mean, I’m basically pumped up about it. You know?
Lisa: You are so resilient, baby. You keep bouncing back. I am so proud of you.
Lisa: I love you.
Teddy: I love you, too.
Teddy: So, uh, how long you been the principal, man?
Stewart: Going on two years.
Stewart: Yeah. It wasn’t easy, but cleaned this place up using my brain and my bat. As opposed to when we went to high school, now if you have a D average, you’re out.
Teddy: Can you do that?
Stewart: I can do whatever I want, Teddy. This my house.
Teddy: I’m sorry. What was that last part?
Stewart: I said look around you. This is my house.
Teddy: Excuse me for asking, but are you doing a black voice?
Stewart: No. No. Not a black voice.
Teddy: You sure?
Stewart: I don’t hear color.
Stewart: What brings you back to Piedmont, Mr. Walker?
Teddy: Right now, I’m transitioning from an amazing job in sales to a job in finance. And the only thing that’s really holding up this transition is me not having my GED. So, I don’t know, I was thinking maybe I could get you to cross some T’s, dot some I’s. Maybe you could do a favor for an old friend.
Stewart: Some things just never change, huh, Teddy? You want me to help you find a shortcut to getting your diploma.
Teddy: No. Yes.
Stewart: Hmm. I wish I could. I really do. But you would have to go to night school to learn how to pass the GED test, and unfortunately, we don’t offer night school here. I’m so sorry, Teddy.
Let me walk you out.
Stewart: [to Teddy] You used to call me crazy Stewart, now you call me Batman.
Teddy: Wait. Hold on. You’re the night school teacher?
Carrie: [sarcastically] No, I’m just the bitch that likes to wear blouses. Yes, I’m the night school teacher. Did you bring me some dried Shamrocks, leprechaun?
Teddy: It’s still not funny.
Teddy: Wait. Hold up! Stewart, why did you just tell me that you don’t have night school here?
Carrie: Why would you say that?
Stewart: I said that because Teddy and I went to school together. He is quite frankly a terrible student and I did not want that element in here.
Carrie: I don’t care if he’s as dumb as a Minion. He is welcome to take my class if he wants.
Teddy: Thank you. Thank you for that.
Carrie: You’re welcome, because you need it.
Stewart: Carrie, can we just take down the ‘tude?
Carrie: ‘Tude? Really?
Stewart: No, I…
Carrie: You haven’t even seen the beginning of this attitude. Wait, say that to me again.
Stewart: I apologize. That was a poor choice of words. I just mean, I need you to show me the respect that you would show your boss.
Teddy: Because it’s your house, right?
Carrie: Oh, you did the black voice thing with him?
Stewart: It’s not a black voice. In actuality, not a black voice.
Carrie: No, you do a black voice. You don’t remember when you was in that meeting, you was like, “We going to get it lit up in here. This meeting lit.”
Stewart: It was very lit.
Carrie: You did it at the staff meeting, when you were like, “I keep it one hundred.”
Stewart: When have I never kept it one hundred?
Carrie: When you added that AP Calculus to my class load.
Stewart: Alright, agree to disagree. Listen, I hate to break up this pleasure party of delusion, but I have work to do. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do my thing.
Teddy: That’s a black voice.
[referring to Stewart]
Teddy: Hey, can he really do that? Can he keep me from going here?
Carrie: No, he can’t. As a matter of fact, here’s a textbook. I’m actually going to set up the class right now for our first session of the semester. We start at seven.
Teddy: Yeah, but this book is kind of thick. I thought it’d be more like a leaflet.
Carrie: You thought you could cram four years of high school into a leaflet?
Carrie: Maybe you are as dumb as Stewart says.
Teddy: Wait. No, no, no.
[she tries to take the textbook back]
Carrie: Give me that!
Teddy: No, I didn’t think that.
Carrie: Don’t you ever lie to me again, you scrawny midget!
Teddy: I’ll hold on to it.
Teddy: I’m tripping. I’m thinking along the lines of traffic school.
Carrie: Look, come or not, makes me no difference. I don’t get paid by the head. Or maybe you can find a night school that does teach from a leaflet.
Teddy: You know of one that…
[she goes to grab the textbook from Teddy again]
Teddy: No, no. I’m going to keep it.
Carrie: Have a good one.
[she walks off]
Teddy: Hold up! Stop, stop! What you doing?
Tow Truck Driver: What does it look like I’m doing?
Teddy: Uh, it look like you towing my car. Did I park in the handicap spot?
Tow Truck Driver: You’ve missed the last four payments on that car. It’s getting repossessed.
Teddy: You’re going to take my car with my baby in the back?
Tow Truck Driver: I don’t see no goddamn baby in there.
Teddy: The baby right there!
[Teddy starts making baby crying noises]
Teddy: You don’t hear that?
Tow Truck Driver: I don’t think so.
[Carrie is handing out the tacos that Teddy bought her to the class]
Teddy: Excuse me, Carrie. I had actually got those tacos for you to eat.
Carrie: I know. See, class, Teddy went to Cactus House to try to win me over. But here’s the deal, Teddy. If you’re trying to kiss my ass, you’re going to have to come a little bit better than that. I’m talking, like, steamed lobster inside of macaroni and cheese with a side of broccolini. You know what I’m saying? Something fancy. Not no fast food place where I could go buy this with my own little raggedy paycheck.
Teddy: Well, there’s actually a special guacamole…
Carrie: If you want to succeed in my class, you need to do the work. It’s just that simple.
[Mackenzie puts up his hand]
Mackenzie: Quick question. So “yes” on the steamed lobster?
Carrie: No, sir. That’s what I like to call a teachable moment.
Mackenzie: Okay, so no lobster.
[to the night school students]
Carrie: Alright, let’s go ahead and do some introductions. I’ll start. My name is Carrie. During the day, I teach way too many classes for way too little money. So I’m here to try to make a little extra cash, so I can afford such luxuries as rent and antibiotics, because this job makes me sick sometimes.
Carrie: You’re next. Yes, you.
Jaylen: What up, though? Jaylen’s the name. I’ve been working for the last fourteen years at the MacArthur bottling plant and just got replaced by a robot.
Carrie: How about you, ma’am? Yeah.
Theresa: Oh. Okay. Hi, gang. My name is Theresa, and I dropped out of high school when I was pregnant with my first child. My now husband, Randy. Well we got married after he knocked me up, then we had two more kids. So we have three little rascals now, and it’s fun. We’re just a little under water right now, so I wanted to get my GED and, hopefully, enter the workforce, before it’s too late and we have to live in Randy’s parents laundry room.
[she goes quiet and looks sad, but perks up again]
Theresa: I’m blessed. So blessed.
Carrie: God is good.
Carrie: So what’s your story, guy?
Luis: Um, y name is Luis Flores. I had a great job as a waiter. A lot of money in tips, until I was fired without cause. No reason at all. Fired.
[he stares at Teddy]
Teddy: I don’t know why. I have no idea why he’s looking at me. No.
Luis: It’s fine. It’s just a sign that it’s time for me to do something different. You see, I came to this country from Mexico to fulfill my dream of being a singer-songwriter.
Theresa: Oh, like Julio lglesias?
Luis: No, not like Julio lglesias. He sucks. More like Justin Bieber, or Justin Timberlake, or T-Pain.
Mila: [laughs] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Aren’t you a little old to like be a pop star now?
Luis: Aren’t you a little young to die?
Jaylen: That’s what’s up.
Luis: But now I’m going to become a dental hygienist, because I have great teeth. So I think I’d be a natural.
Teddy: A what?
Luis: Dental hygienist. Maybe you should see one, because you know what, pretty stinky, guys.
Mackenzie: Hey, everybody, I’m Mackenzie. Uh, they call me Big Mac.
Theresa: Oh. We love McDonald’s.
Mackenzie: I’m sorry, what?
Jaylen: From the burgerjoint, Mickey D’s? Ronald McDonald’s?
Luis: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese on a sesame seed bun?
Luis: Never heard of it?
[thinks about it]
Carrie: Ooh. It’s going to be a long semester.
Carrie: Go on.
Mackenzie: Well, anyway, my knees and my back are really jacked up from working at He-Man Movers for thirty years. So I decided to get my GED so that I could move up to a management position, get off the truck. And my son, we call him Little Mac, he has decided to drop out of school. So I made a deal with him. I get my GED, he gets his diploma. Little reverse psychology.
Carrie: Okay, well, welcome, everyone. Really nice, we’ve all met.
Teddy: Well, we didn’t meet everyone. I didn’t, uh…
Carrie: Teddy, uh, earlier, you said, unlike these folks, you’re not a night school type of person. So I didn’t think you cared.
Jaylen: Is that right?
Teddy: Well, you didn’t hear it right, because I would never say that about people that I don’t know. You know what, this is a perfect segue. I’ll just follow your lead, and I’ll stand up. I am Teddy Walker. A little fun fact about me, I actually went here.
Teddy: I’m also newly engaged.
Luis: His fiancée is out of his league.
Teddy: I’m sorry, what?
Luis: Nothing. You’re doing great. I said, “Keep going. Everybody loves you.”
Carrie: How does your fiancée feel about you being in night school?
Teddy: Oh, she good! She loves it!
Jaylen: He ain’t told her shit.
Teddy: She loves it!
Carrie: I noticed that your voice just went up a whole octave. Now, from my studies of psychology in grad school, I know that that means that you’re bullshitting.
Teddy: Ain’t no bullshit in me.
Jaylen: I tell you what, if you’re lying with her, don’t lie to her.
Teddy: But I don’t lie.
Bobby: Sound like some bullshit to me.
Luis: Everyone sees right through you.
Teddy: Okay, how about we…
Mackenzie: If we go by your theory, about the voice thing…
Teddy: I think that we’re all getting off track.
Mackenzie: He’s lied four times.
Bobby: This boy is definitely lying.
Teddy: I am not.
Jaylen: You can’t outsmart Mother Nature, and that’s what a woman is.
Jaylen: Especially a black woman.
Carrie: That’s correct.
[referring to Carrie]
Teddy: It was terrible, man! Terrible! Like, she’s not like the teachers that we had back in the day.
Teddy: This woman is a brick wall, and I can’t work her. I can’t work a brick wall.
Teddy: The jobs that I want, they are not going to give to a high school dropout.
Marvin: Well, you can’t keep lying to Lisa. Okay? You know what, I’m going to go on monster.com right now, see if anything new popped up.
Teddy: What are you going to find on monster.com?
Marvin: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Okay, here we go. “Sales associate wanted. Marketing skills a must,” and, wait for it, “no GED required.” You got to jump on this, man! This is perfect!
[Teddy turns up for a job at a fast food restaurant called Christian Chicken]
Isaac: It’s chicken from the Lord.
Teddy: So he made it?
Isaac: Yes, sir, he did.
Teddy: Yeah. I can work with this.
Isaac: You can?
Teddy: Yeah. Basically, what you want to do, you want to uplift your customers palate.
Isaac: Yes, sir.
Teddy: When they bite into your food, you want their taste buds to scream out Hallelujah!
Isaac: Preach it, Brother Teddy. You are a godsend.
Teddy: I’m a salesman, man. That’s what I do, okay? Now, when it comes to titles, I don’t even care. Marketing director, that’s up to you. WWJD, at this point. “What Would Jesus Do?”
[points to a chicken costume]
Isaac: This should fit you perfectly. Brother Teddy, I have been waiting on the Lord to bring me a pint-sized little man like you to fill this out. And here you are.
Teddy: I’m not going to do that. Brother Isaac, I’m a black man. I can’t put on a chicken suit in 2018 and stand on the side of a highway and hawk no goddamn chicken. Now, if the marketing position isn’t what you had in mind, we can figure…
[referring to the religious music playing loudly on the speakers]
Teddy: What is going on?
Isaac: You know what, we’re going to have to put a pin in that.
[as he sees one of Bobby’s prison inmates coming up from behind to hit him]
Jaylen: Hey, yoh, Bobby, watch out, fam!
Luis: My God.
[Bobby turns and starts beating the inmate, then calmly sits down]
[they watch the screen as Bobby continues to beat up the two inmates]
Bobby: Can’t you see I’m trying to learn?
Mackenzie: Someone ought to call the cops!
Luis: What’s happening?
[the class watches as Bobby throws one of the inmates across the screen]
[after the prison wardens break up the fight between Bobby and the two other inmates]
Mackenzie: That’s the stuff right there. Reminds me of the old days.
[Bobby sits back down]
Bobby: They had the wrong guy. Please continue.
Carrie: You sure you cool, or do we need to just chill and wait for you to make a new shank?
Bobby: Please continue with the Pythagorean theorem.
Mackenzie: You know what we ought to do for Bobby? We should get him like some smokes, because that stuff is like currency in prison. That and ass.
Teddy: That was real cool, what you did for me in there at the blackboard. You know, that’s what I was talking about when I just said watching out for each other, you know? You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
Carrie: Oh, there’s not going to be any more back scratching, Teddy. That’s the last time that happens. And what was really going on with you at the board, anyways?
Teddy: Nothing. Nothing! No, I was just, I wasn’t prepared.
Carrie: If you’re not going to do the work, drop the class.
Teddy: Why would you… No, Carrie! Hey! I’m going to do the work. You’ll see.
Carrie: We’ll see.
Teddy: Yes, we will.
[does a weird whistling noise, Carrie walks off]
[Teddy is having a nightmare as he’s trying to study for his test]
Carrie: Teddy, if you don’t pass that midterm, no way homegirl stays with you.
Carrie: Think about that.
Teddy: We’re going to have to steal the test.
Mackenzie: Woh. Mind meld. I was thinking the exact same thing.
Jaylen: If we being real with it, I need as much help as I can get. Going from capping bottles to hypotenuses and all that, I’m just as confounded by the materials as the rest of y’all. Feel me?
Luis: I really hate to admit it, but with the language barrier and all the Lyft driving I’ve been doing, I’m struggling as well, guys.
Theresa: I think a caper sounds fun.
Teddy: When did you get here, Theresa?
Theresa: Oh, I’ve been here the whole time. People never notice me. It happens all the time. It’s kind of like a super power, but one that comes with a crushing loneliness.
[she looks sad for a moment then perks up]
Theresa: I’m blessed. I’m so blessed.
Teddy: Yeah, God is good.
[as they are getting ready to steal the tests]
Teddy: What is your problem, man?
Teddy: I said wear all black. Why didn’t you wear black?
Mackenzie: Laundry day. All my darks were in the wash.
Teddy: So you wore yellow?
Mackenzie: It’s fresh. It’s clean.
[he sticks his arm out]
Teddy: Get your arm out my face. Get out of my face. Focus! Let’s go! Let’s go!
Teddy: Theresa, you’re up.
Teddy: Listen to me. I need you to go out there, and I need you to stall.
Theresa: Oh, no, no, no, no. I can’t flirt. I don’t know any moves.
Teddy: I don’t need that.
Theresa: I haven’t flirted since like 1996, and even then it was like offering to give the cop my panties to get off a speeding ticket, and guess what, he didn’t take it. I’m bad at it.
Teddy: That’s not what I’m asking you to do.
Theresa: In my day, it was really innocent. Now it’s all about the butt. I heard a guy the other day say, “I’m going to crack that up like a walnut.”
Theresa: What does that even mean? Why would you start there?
Theresa: Wouldn’t you want to start in the front?
Teddy: Theresa, listen.
Theresa: With a nice missionary position, you know, some gentle touching. In my day, maybe once in your lifetime, you might get the end of a pinky, and that was the thrill of a lifetime, okay?
Teddy: Stop it. That’s a lot of information that I did not need to know.
Theresa: Yeah, that was a lot.
Teddy: Go talk about bake sales.
Theresa: Mom stuff.
Teddy: Yeah, mom stuff.
Theresa: Not butt stuff.
Teddy: Go mom it. Let’s go.
Theresa: I’ll try. I’ll try.
Carrie: Mac, you want to explain to me how you got a perfect score?
Mackenzie: Here’s the thing. Alright? I know I didn’t get a perfect score, because I missed a few on purpose.
Theresa: Oh, fudge!
Carrie: Thank you!
Bobby: You’s a snitch, Mac!
Theresa: Snitches are bitches.
Carrie: I don’t like cheaters. And I hate that I am teaching a room full of cheaters! I don’t like men that cheat. I don’t like women that cheat. I don’t even deal with politicians. You know why? Because they all cheaters. I don’t even eat Cheetos. You know why? Because it sound like cheaters.
Jaylen: Plus that Cheeto dust will give you that Trump color.
Jaylen: It’s hard to get that Cheeto dust off your hands. It’ll mess up your jabos.
Carrie: You know, I liked you at first. I’m done with all of y’all. All of y’all can get up out my class. I’m done with y’all.
Teddy: Night school is about second chances, and if I don’t get this second chance, then it’s over for me. Night school is all that I have. Please.
Carrie: I’ll consider it on one condition.
Teddy: Whatever it is.
Carrie: We get you tested.
Teddy: For STDs? That’s not an issue. I don’t mind that. I mean… God damn it. There was one time where the condom popped because I put my balls inside the…
Carrie: No, you idiot! For learning disabilities. Nobody cares about your escapades with your bitches.
Teddy: So what are the test results, Carrie?
Carrie: Teddy, the issue is, you’re clinically dumb.
Teddy: I knew it. I knew it was a mistake. I knew it was a mistake.
Carrie: [laughs] Boy, I’m sorry. I’m just messing with you.
Carrie: Look, look. My suspicions were right, and you, my friend, are dyslexic.
Teddy: Okay. Okay, so that just means I’m having problems with my reading and my writing, right?
Carrie: Yep. But you also have dyscalculia.
Teddy: Dyscalc…? I don’t even know how to pronounce that.
Carrie: Basically, it’s like dyslexia, but with math.
Teddy: That’s what I got. I knew it! Now that you say it, it makes sense. If you take me to a restaurant and you say, “Teddy, leave the tip,” I’m all over the place. That’s exactly what it is. We did it!
Carrie: You also have a processing disorder.
Teddy: I got a touch of prostate cancer? She didn’t touch my ass one time.
Carrie: I said processing disorder.
Teddy: Carrie, if you’re not going to help me, then we’re wasting our time. Explain to me what this stuff is. If I got a processing… Oh, my God. I’m not processing it. I didn’t process none of that shit.
Carrie: You are just one big beautiful mixed drink of learning disabilities.
Teddy: So I’m not dumb?
Carrie: Boy, I was just playing when I said that earlier. No good teacher would ever call their students dumb.
Teddy: So how do we fix it? Let’s talk solution.
Carrie: Well, there’s no cure for what you have.
Teddy: Oh, my God! I got learning herpes?
Teddy: Oh, shit!
Carrie: There is no such thing as learning herpes.
Teddy: I’m blistering up. It’s because I’m trying to think.
Carrie: [to the class] Teaching the conventional way just isn’t going to get it done for Teddy. So we’re going to mix it up.
[as Teddy steps into a MMA training ring]
Teddy: What’s going on, Carrie? Why you in here? Why you in the ring? What’s going on?
Carrie: Teddy, your difficulties are focus related.
Carrie: My goal is to remove that mind chatter so you can achieve properly unencumbered neural pathways. And this isn’t a ring, it’s a hexagon.
Teddy: Oh, it is. Yeah. Why are you taking your shoes off? Is this somebody’s carpet?
Carrie: Teddy, what’s the square root of eight-one?
[she punches Teddy in the face]
Teddy: Ow! Shit!
Carrie: What’s the square root of eighty-one?
Teddy: I don’t know!
[she punches Teddy in the face again]
Teddy: What you doing? Hey! Carrie!
Carrie: What’s the square root of eighty-one?
[she grabs and twist his arm]
Teddy: You breaking my arm!
Carrie: Come on, we’re clearing those neural pathways.
Teddy: No! Stop it! Hey! What you doing?
[she throws Teddy to the ground]
Carrie: Focus! Square root! Focus!
Teddy: I don’t know! Oh, God!
[back in the MMA ring]
Carrie: How you feeling today, Teddy?
Teddy: I’m feeling fine, Carrie, but I ain’t feeling this Mr. Miyagi shit. Okay?
Carrie: What’s the capital of Belgium?
Teddy: Uh, waffles?
[Carries goes to attach Teddy]
Carrie: Don’t you run from me!
Marvin: Don’t, he’s so little!
[as she grabs hold of his arm]
Carrie: What is the capital of Belgium?
Teddy: I haven’t eaten breakfast. I don’t know!
Carrie: That is not the answer!
[she flips him over to the ground]
Marvin: Pretend you’re dead!
[Teddy tries to crawl away]
Carrie: Get back here!
[back in the MMA ring again]
Carrie: Water is comprised of?
Marvin: Let’s go, Teddy. You got this, Teddy.
Teddy: Wait, no! Wait, wait, wait!
[Carrie kicks him]
Teddy: I know it! I know it! Um…
Teddy: Um, helium.
Marvin: No. No, no, no.
Teddy: Nitrogen. It’s nitrogen. Right?
Carrie: You better get it right.
Teddy: It’s a gas!
Teddy: It’s a gas!
[she kicks him in the chest, and then throws herself onto Teddy knocking him down]
Marvin: Jesus Christ!
[Carrie is holding Teddy down with her legs]
Carrie: Give me the answer! Say it! Give me the damn answer. Tell me!
Teddy: It’s two part hydrogen, one part oxygen!
Carrie: Say that again!
Marvin: He said it. Don’t make him say it again.
Teddy: I said two part hydrogen, one part oxygen.
Carrie: Teddy, that’s right. You got it right.
Carrie: That’s the correct answer.
Teddy: I got it right!
Carrie: You got it right, Teddy!
Teddy: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Marvin: What a big day for all of us.
Teddy: I can’t believe that I actually… What? What is that smell? What is that?
Carrie: Oh. Now that’s a gas.
Teddy: You bust ass in my face, Carrie?
Teddy: It’s in my mouth! You got my lips all chapped and shit! This ain’t no type of education. This is chemical warfare.
Stewart: Excuse me, this dance is for students only.
Carrie: Well, this is my night school class, and they are students here.
Stewart: Okay, well, technically, technically, you’re still on school hours. So, Miss Carter, please return to your classroom.
Carrie: Well, we going to spend our class hours in the gym…
Carrie: … at the party. So get out the way, bitch. Move!
Stewart: I can’t allow this, Carrie.
[she pushes past him]
Teddy: She got you. She got you.
[as he’s working wearing the chicken outfit]
Teddy: Christian Chicken! Honk once if you love chicken! Honk twice if you love the Lord. Come and get your chicken if you ready to start winning.
African American Guy: Hey! Sellout!
African American Guy: You a sellout, man.
Teddy: Brother, I’m just trying to make a honest living. Why don’t you get off my back?
African American Guy: Go get a job at the post office then!
Teddy: Get your ass up out of here.
African American Guy: What? Say it again.
Teddy: Come on, man! Go ahead with that.
African American Guy: Stay woke, bro.
[the guy drives off]
Teddy: Yeah, well, I see you ate the chicken, you son of a bitch.
[to Stewart and Carrie]
Teddy: I appreciate the whole “after school special” moment, but understand that I am okay. I am where I’m supposed to be. Alright?
Carrie: Your destiny is to work at a fast food joint next to a strip club?
Teddy: Yes. Alright? If I stand in the right spot in this parking lot, I can smell cocoa butter and fried chicken at the same time. And I don’t know about you guys, but that’s a win for me.
Teddy: You know I wasn’t going to pass that test, so don’t sit here and act like it was going to be a different story.
Teddy: And don’t act like you don’t want to be able to finally say that I’m dumb.
Stewart: No, you’re not.
Teddy: You can finally say it, Stew. Say it!
Carrie: Teddy, you are a lot of things. A hustler, a liar. You’re very short.
Stewart: And loud, too.
Carrie: Mm-hmm. But you are not dumb. Now, this suit you got on is dumb as hell.
Teddy: I rebuke you! Rebuke! I rebuke you! I’m going to work. Now, let me go get…
[as Teddy starts to leave, Carrie crabs the head off his costume]
Carrie: Give me this thing.
Teddy: What you doing, Carrie?
Carrie: Take this off right now. Take this suit off, and you going to take this test!
[Carrie tries to take his suit off]
Stewart: No, no, no, no, no, no! Let’s use our words. You going to take this test!
[as Carrie is trying to take Teddy’s chicken suit off of him]
Stewart: She has a belt! She’s got a belt!
[Carrie starts beating Teddy with her belt]
Carrie: Take this suit off, and you going to take that test!
Stewart: Guys, guys, guys! We need to keep our hands to ourselves.
Teddy: You stop! You stop! Get off me! Dang it!
Carrie: This going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you!
Teddy: Oh, God!
Stewart: I can’t be a part of this.
Teddy: You’re breaking the skin!
Carrie: Tear your ass up.
Stewart: Okay, this seems like a black thing. So I’m just going to order us some food.
[to Carrie as she’s beating him with her belt]
Carrie: Are you listening to me?
Carrie: Now, you have worked too hard to be running around here in a damn holy chicken suit! Okay?
Carrie: Now, either you get in the car and you take that test, or I continue to tenderize your ass. Your choice.
[giving his graduation speech]
Teddy: Let me just start off by telling you guys a little something about me. I’m Teddy Walker, and I’m a liar. For years, I’ve been pretending to be somebody else, somebody that I’m not. My reason for doing that is because I was ashamed. Ashamed that I didn’t learn like my classmates. Ashamed that I couldn’t take a test. Ashamed that I let my family and my friends down. I mean I put so much time and energy into creating this fake version of Teddy Walker, that I forgot the value that went into learning in school. I’m talking about honesty. I’m talking about accepting who you are. And it wasn’t until I met my amazing night school classmates, and a teacher that actually believed in me, that I was able to accept who I was. As a loudmouth hustler with a boatload of learning disabilities. You know, for any of you who may have struggled to get it right the first time, that I am living proof that you can get it together on a second chance. I mean, I done had a lot of chances.
[continuing his graduation speech]
Teddy: We all got second chances. And to my dad. He was tough on me. He said some things. But he said it out of love. Dad, I know you ain’t never mean it when you used to say some of the things that you used to say. You know, you used to say stuff like, “I wish I ain’t never had you.” Or like, “That was a waste of sperm. Oh, God, if I could get that one back.” I remember you said that. But all that stuff was said out of love to motivate me and push me. And you thought you didn’t do good, but look at me now! Anything is possible! I did it!
[referring to his graduation speech]
Lisa: That was a beautiful speech, Teddy. That’s the guy I fell in love with.
Teddy: Then allow me to reintroduce myself. I’m Teddy Walker. I’m a high school dropout. I work at a fast food joint. I live with my mom. And I take the bus. But I would love, I would absolutely love it, if you would let me take you on a date.
Lisa: Nice to meet you, Teddy Walker. I’d like that.
Teddy: You’re going to have to pay for everything because I don’t have any money.
Lisa: Yeah, I figured.
Teddy: I mean, like, no money.
Lisa: I got you.
Total Quotes: 55
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