Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Andrew Feldman, Laura Benanti, Natalie Morales, and Matthew Broderick
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy directed and co-written by Gene Stupnitsky. No Hard Feelings (2023) centers on Maddie (Lawrence), who on the brink of losing her childhood home, answers to an intriguing job listing, wealthy parents looking for someone to “date” their introverted 19 year-old son, Percy (Andrew Feldman), before he leaves for college. To her surprise, Maddie soon discovers the awkward Percy is no sure thing.
Where to Watch:
Gary: [as he’s towing her car away] Court order for asset seizure. Pay your property taxes, Maddie.
Maddie Barker: No, this is a mistake. I’m negotiating a payment schedule with them.
Gary: Well, I guess they’re done negotiating.
Gary: You can’t just ghost people. Three months is not nothing.
Maddie Barker: Three months? Felt longer. In a good way.
Maddie Barker: Just say my car wasn’t here, okay?
Gary: Yeah. You know what? I will do that, because it’s not going to be here.
Maddie Barker: That’s my cousin.
Gorgeous Italian Guy: [as he steps out of the house in his underwear] Buongiorno!
Maddie Barker: He’s from Italy. Gary, I swear to God. He’s my cousin. He’s my second cousin. That’s their culture. Have you ever been to Italy?
Gary: My sister was right about you.
Maddie Barker: Wait, your sister who was arrested for elder abuse?
Irate Bar Customer: You need to fire her.
Fern: I can’t fire her. She has a disability.
Maddie Barker: What? No, I don’t.
Fern: You don’t?
Maddie Barker: No.
Fern: That’s the reason why I hired you!
Fern: [to Maddie] You could be a b**ch any other month of the year. Be a b**ch in October. Be a b**ch in March. Don’t be a b**ch in June. Okay? Because these people keep our lights on.
Jim: You could always sell your kidney. You could sell your hair, your plasma, your eggs. The human body’s a cash cow. People don’t understand that.
Sara: Jim, I can feel our baby getting dumber.
Maddie Barker: [reads from the listing] “Need a car for college? Date our nineteen year-old son this summer. He’s a wonderful young man, extremely smart, but socially very shy. He’s never had a girlfriend, and we’ve tried everything. We’re looking for an attractive, kind, and intelligent woman, early to mid-twenties, to date him and bring him out of his shell before he leaves for college in the fall. In exchange, we’ll give you a Buick Regal, clean, rust-free, forty K miles. Serious inquiries only.” “Date” is in quotes.
Maddie Barker: It’s got to be a joke, right?
Jim: No. No. Have you seen these helicopter parents? They’ll do everything for their kids. I’m surprised they’re not going to f*** him themselves.
Jim: You won’t even rent your house out, but now you’re going to rent out your vag?
Sara: Jim, the adults are talking.
Jim: Oh, just because I’m a guy, I can’t express an opinion on this?
Sara: Exactly. Yeah, shut up.
Maddie Barker: You have a Road Runner tattoo covering your entire back. I don’t think you should tell anybody what to do with their body.
Jim: I’m just surprised you’re actually considering this. That’s all I’m saying.
Maddie Barker: I’ve had a one night stand before and gotten zero Buick Regals for it.
Sara: Women have all sorts of reasons for having sex. I mean, I had sex once because I didn’t want to commute in the morning.
Maddie Barker: I’ve had sex with a guy once to get out of playing Settlers of Catan.
Sara: I had sex with a guy once on a first date because I thought he was going to kill me.
Jim: Jesus. You’re with me now, babe.
Maddie Barker: She’s talking about you, dumba**.
Jim: [to Maddie] If you’re really in a pinch, you can use our van. I’ll send Sara over there to f*** the kid instead.
Sara: What the f*** is wrong with you?
Jim: Okay, I’m just trying to keep it light. Do you really think a kid wants to have sex with you in your current condition?
Allison Becker: I’m Allison and this is my husband, Laird.
Maddie Barker: Layered? Like lasagna?
Laird Becker: Lasagna? No. Laird.
'The best part about getting older is not giving a f*** what people think.' - Maddie Barker (No Hard Feelings Trailer) Click To Tweet
Maddie Barker: I just turned twenty-nine.
Allison Becker: Recently?
Maddie Barker: Last year.
Laird Becker: So you’re twenty-nine?
Maddie Barker: Last year.
Allison Becker: And how old are you like right now?
Maddie Barker: One more year older.
Laird Becker: So thirty?
Maddie Barker: Yeah. Thirty-two.
Laird Becker: [referring to Percy] He doesn’t come out of his room. He doesn’t have any friends, he doesn’t talk to girls. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t drive. Doesn’t do anything that I did.
Allison Becker: We can’t send him to college like that. You know, he’d never make it.
Maddie Barker: Well, that’s why you called a professional. Not a professional, just a girl who needs a car.
Maddie Barker: So when you say “date him”, do you mean “date him”, or “date him”?
Allison Becker: Yes.
Laird Becker: Yeah. That’s correct.
Maddie Barker: Date him.
Laird Becker: Date him hard.
Allison Becker: Okay.
Maddie Barker: I’ll date his brains out.
Crispin: Hi. Can I interest you in some unconditional love? Looking for something to slobber on you?
Maddie Barker: [referring to Percy] Can he help me?
Crispin: Well, he mostly works with the dogs. I deal with the people.
Maddie Barker: You have a weird energy.
Crispin: Don’t worry, I’ve been neutered.
Maddie Barker: Mind if I touch your Wiener?
Percy Becker: What?
Maddie Barker: Your dog?
Percy Becker: This is Milo. He’s been here the longest. He was a drug dog for the state police, but they forced him into retirement because he got addicted to C-O-C-A-I-N-E.
Maddie Barker: Cocaine?
Percy Becker: [as Milo starts barking] No! Milo! Milo. Milo. If he hears the word, he gets triggered.
Maddie Barker: Sorry, Milo. I’m fresh out.
Percy Becker: Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.
Maddie Barker: No. Pry. Pry me open.
Percy Becker: You can come back another day though.
Maddie Barker: I might not want a dog another day. I want a dog right now.
Percy Becker: Well, then, pet ownership may not be for you. Actually, you sound a lot like the kind of person we would normally take a dog from.
Maddie Barker: [referring to Percy pepper spraying her eyes] Why?
Percy Becker: You tried kidnapping me!
Maddie Barker: I can’t kidnap you. You’re nineteen! Grow up!
Maddie Barker: [referring to Percy] Can’t believe this kid is going to Princeton. He’s dumb as s**t.
Sara: He’s just afraid of the world. They all are. Grew up encased in bubble wrap.
'You can't go your whole life scared of everything.' - Maddie Barker (No Hard Feelings) Click To Tweet
Maddie Barker: I should have this Buick by now, but this kid is unf***able.
Maddie Barker: Well, you look like an accountant in the Bahamas.
Percy Becker: It was too hot for pants.
Percy Becker: Am I allowed to be here?
Maddie Barker: Oh, yeah. No. I know the owner. It’s fine.
Percy Becker: It’s just that I’m not twenty-one.
Maddie Barker: That doesn’t matter here.
Percy Becker: Well, I think it’s a Federal law.
Percy Becker: [referring to Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad] I had this one dream where I wouldn’t let her adopt a dog. So she’d locked me in one of the dog cages and dragged me back to her hideout. I kicked at the cage and screamed.
Maddie Barker: And that made you come?
Percy Becker: I did not.
Maddie Barker: How the f*** is that a sex dream?
Percy Becker: You asked me if I have intense dreams.
Maddie Barker: You’re right. I should’ve been more specific.
Maddie Barker: [to Percy] You can’t go your whole life scared of everything.
Percy Becker: Is that your ex-boyfriend?
Maddie Barker: More like a friend.
Percy Becker: It felt like you didn’t really like him.
Maddie Barker: You met him. Do you like him?
Percy Becker: I didn’t have sex with him.
Maddie Barker: Do you want to? I can call him back over.
Percy Becker: I don’t know, I guess, why you would have sex with someone if you don’t like them.
Maddie Barker: Because it was Christmas and I was lonely. I don’t know.
Percy Becker: [as they’re going skinny dipping] What about sharks?
Maddie Barker: None here!
Percy Becker: Jellyfish?
Maddie Barker: Not in season!
Percy Becker: It’s really the lack of lifeguards that’s causing an issue for me. I’m very concerned about that.
Maddie Barker: Just get the f*** in here right now!
Percy Becker: Okay!
Maddie Barker: [referring to skinny dipping] I promise nothing’s going to happen.
Percy Becker: Isn’t this how Jaws started?
Beach Bully: [as they see Maddie and Percy skinny dipping] Hey, what you up to over there?
Maddie Barker: Just doing our taxes.