Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Kevin Kline, Cary Elwes, Greta Gerwig, Lake Bell, Olivia Thirlby, Ludacris, Jake M. Johnson, Mindy Kaling, Talia Balsam, Ophelia Lovibond, Guy Branum, Ben Lawson, Jennifer Irwin, Adhir Kalyan
Romantic comedy directed by Ivan Reitman. The story follows friends Emma (Natalie Portman) and Adam (Ashton Kutcher), who take their relationship to the next level by having sex. Afraid of ruining their friendship, the new lovers make a pact to keep things purely physical, with no fighting, no jealousy and no expectations. Emma and Adam pledge to do whatever they want, wherever they want, as long as they do not fall in love.
Our Favorite Quote:
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 90)
[first lines; at a camp party sitting alone together]
Young Adam: So, uh, I’m pretty good at archery.
Young Emma: Wow! That’ll be useful if you ever have a time machine and your time machine breaks and you’re stuck in the Medieval Ages.
Young Adam: You’re funny, it’s weird.
Young Emma: Yeah. I’m weird.
Young Adam: Me too.
Young Emma: Yeah, right. Everyone loves you and your dad’s like famous or something.
Young Adam: My parents are getting a divorce. That’s why I had to go to camp, so.
[Adam turns his face away looking upset and starts to cry]
Young Emma: Are you crying?
Young Adam: No.
[Emma sits closer to him and puts her hand on his shoulder]
Young Emma: Look, I’m not really an affectionate person. People aren’t meant to be together forever.
Young Adam: You think so?
Young Emma: Yeah.
Young Adam: Can I finger you?
Young Emma: No.
[after Emma arrives at a Frat party and recognizing Adam who’s dancing with a girl]
Patrice: Oh, my God! I told you that this was a pajama party, what are you wearing
[she unbuttons Emma’s coat and opens it and takes the coat off]
Patrice: What is this? You’re wearing an actual Long John? What? This is a Frat party, you just have to be drunk and look hot. Watch and learn.
[she gets up onto a table to get everyone’s attention at the party and shouts]
Patrice: Hey! Heeeyy! I’m so drunk!
[everyone at the party cheers]
Adam: Do I know you?
Emma: Hi, Adam Franklin of Camp Weehawken. I’m Emma Kurtzman. You tried to finger me!
Adam: Woh! Yeah! Wow! What are you, do you go here? What are you doing at party of Frats?
Emma: No, I go to, I go to M.I.T but, um, I have this family thing and I grew up in.
Adam: M.I.T! Wow! So you grew up to be a lot smarter than me.
Emma: Yeah, sometimes my neck gets sore.
Emma: Because my brain’s so big.
Adam: I like you.
Emma: What? Why? You don’t even know me.
Adam: I like you.
Emma: I have to go to this stupid thing tomorrow, you want to come with me?
Adam: Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll come with you. What is it?
Emma: Some stupid thing.
[Emma is at her father’s funeral and Adam is standing awkwardly wearing a bright yellow sweatshirt not realizing Emma had invited him to a funeral]
Emma: Mom, I want you to meet Adam.
[Adam hugs Emma’s mom]
Emma: And this is my sister, Katie and her lover Kevin.
Katie: Boyfriend! And my best friend.
Sandra Kurtzman: Oh, well. Thank you. I didn’t know you were dating someone Emma.
Emma: Oh, I’m not. I just had a one night stand with him when I was fourteen.
Adam: It’s a really nice funeral.
[after the funeral as Emma walks Adam back to his car]
Emma: I’m glad you stayed.
Adam: Me too. So I’ll call you soon.
Emma: Adam, you’re wonderful. If you’re lucky you’re never going to see me again.
Patrice: Did we? Yes, we did. We went to college together. You have two gay dads.
Eli: Yeah, I’m the man with the two gay dads.
Patrice: Yeah! They helped me move my boxes sophomore year.
Eli: They’re the best. I love them. I’m super straight, though. So, yeah.
[Emma runs into Adam, Eli and Adam’s girlfriend Vanessa at an LA market]
Eli: What is this, the beach pit? And yeah, that was a 90210 reference.
Patrice: Yeah, you’re super straight.
[catches Chuck taking a picture of dick on his cell phone and showing it to some actresses who walk away in disgust]
Lucy: Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time I’m going to take that thing away.
[after catching his father working out]
Alvin: Hit me.
Adam: No. I’m not going to hit you. I don’t want to hurt you.
Alvin: You’re not going to hurt me. Come on! Hit me. Give me your best shot.
[he breathes in and holds his stomach muscles]
Alvin: Come on, quick! Before I get a hernia!
Alvin: You’re right. Let’s smoke some weed.
[as he’s preparing some weed to smoke]
Alvin: This is really good stuff. My agent got me one of those medical marijuana cards.
Adam: It’s nice to see they’re supporting your career.
[as they are smoking weed in Alvin’s kitchen]
Alvin: So, are you having sex?
Adam: Yes. I’m having sex.
Alvin: Because if you want any pointers, you know, I can help you out. If it’s one thing you learn after two failed marriages, it’s how to eat kitty. Anyone special?
Adam: No. Not since Vanessa.
Alvin: It’s been a year, it’s time to move on.
Adam: It’s been eight months, dad. What did you want to talk to me about anyway?
[Adam sees a small dog coming into the kitchen]
Adam: Are you, you got a dog? Seriously, you guys…
[suddenly Vanessa wearing a bikini runs into the kitchen after the dog on seeing Vanessa Adam chokes on his smoke]
Vanessa: You didn’t tell him yet?
[Alvin looks away]
[Vanessa runs out of the kitchen]
[after Adam has just found out Vanessa is sleeping with his father]
Adam: How long?
Adam: How long?
Alvin: Not long. I, she needed a place to stay, because you know, her landlord is such a d-bag. Christmas. I ran into her at a party, we got to talking, about you mostly.
[suddenly Adam punches Alvin hard in the stomach and they both wince in pain]
Adam: It looks so soft! It’s not!
Adam: You’re fucking my ex-girlfriend?!
Alvin: Well, yeah. But I, she’s just so hot.
Adam: I know how hot she is.
[suddenly Vanessa comes in through the door behind Adam]
Alvin: That’s really sweet. Thanks, guys!
Adam: Fuck you!
Eli: Hey, you know what the best part about my gay dads?
Eli: They’re never going to eat out my ex-girlfriends.
Wallace: That’s true.
Wallace: Hey, I heard. You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?
Eli: Wow! Wallace!
Wallace: She chose your dad over you, man. That’s like trading an iPod for A-Trak.
Eli: You need to get even. Go have sex with one of his ex-girlfriends.
Wallace: Hey, you think when he’s busting a nut, he’s like ‘Great Scott’!
[Adam just looks at him]
Adam: That’s it. I’m going for it.
Eli: Going for what?
Adam: I’m going to call every girl in my phone until someone agrees to have sex with me.
Wallace: That’s strong. Toast to that.
Eli: Toast. That is a terrible self destructive plan and we’re behind you a hundred percent.
[after waking up naked on a strange couch]
Adam: Did you have a good time last night?
Shira: It was alright, nothing special.
Adam: Oh. I want you to know that I respect you.
Shira: Thank you.
Adam: Normally I would remember the name of someone that I’ve…
Shira: What? Oh, my God! Did you think we had sex? Oh, my God! We did not have sex.
[Guy walks into the room as Adam and Shira are talking with Adam still naked]
Guy: Hey, Adam. You left your socks in my room.
Adam: Did I?
Guy: You did.
Adam: Did I by chance leave my pants in your room?
Guy: No, when we met you weren’t wearing pants.
[Patrice walks into the room]
Patrice: Stop teasing him. You guys!
Adam: Hey, I know you.
Adam: What happened last night? Did we, did we…?
Patrice: We had sex. Yeah. I really liked it. I didn’t know that my body could handle that much pain and that I would like it.
[Emma walks into the kitchen behind them]
Emma: You’re up!
Adam: Emma. You live here?
Emma: Yep. You feeling any better?
Adam: Uh, did I have sex with anyone on this apartment last night?
Emma: No, you didn’t.
Patrice: Oh, sorry.
Emma: You didn’t
[Patrice, Shira and Guy laugh]
Adam: Thank you. Yeah, that’s, this is, that’s funny. Let’s make fun of the hung over naked guy.
Emma: But, um, I do have your pants, so if you want them come with me.
Adam: Yes, thank you.
[Adam goes to get off the couch and get his pants from Emma’s room but is embarrassed by his nakedness]
Patrice: Oh, you don’t have to get embarrassed because we’re all doctors. So we see literally hundreds of penises a week.
Guy: I see thousands.
Shira: I just pulled a penis out of a Vitamin Water yesterday, so we are cool with penises here.
Patrice: We’re professionals.
Adam: Well, it has been a pleasure.
[Adam gets up and they all stare at his ass and clap as he walks towards Emma’s room]
Patrice: Bravo. Bravo.
Guy: Yep. I’m definitely gay.
Adam: So how did I get here?
Emma: Um, you texted me that it was an emergency and I texted you my address and then you came over. And, um, I think you thought you were at home because you started taking off all your clothes.
Adam: Oh, God!
Emma: Here are your pants.
Adam: So did I just pass out on your couch?
Emma: No. No, then you did this thing. It was like a dance.
Emma: Yeah. Like…
[she moves her hand up and down motion]
Adam: I shook my dick at you?
Adam: Oh, shit! I’m sorry.
Emma: No. No. It was exciting. It was like, you were cheering while you were doing it. You were like, ‘Wooh, look at my dick!’
Adam: Did you look at it?
Emma: Yeah, I looked. It was nice. You have a really nice penis.
Emma: It seems kind of like carefree.
Adam: Jesus! I don’t know where to start. My dad’s dating my ex-girlfriend.
Emma: You told me about it last night.
Adam: Did I tell you like a charming way? Was I like, charming and funny when I told you?
Emma: Yeah. You were naked and crying.
Adam: Yeah. I’m a mess.
[she sits down next to Adam on the bed and puts her arm round his shoulder]
Emma: Hey, it’s going to be okay.
Adam: Thanks. Seriously, thank you.
Emma: I should probably get ready now. I don’t want to be late.
Adam: Yeah. It’s, you don’t want to be late.
[he unties her robe]
Emma: No, that would be bad.
[they look at each other for a moment and then start kissing]
[after Adam sees meets Emma and her work colleague, Sam, at the bistro he and Eli are having lunch at]
Eli: You piece of shit.
Eli: What? Let me ask you, did you have sex with Emma?
Eli: Did you have sex with Emma?
Adam: Yes. I’m not supposed to tell anyone.
Eli: Yes! Wow!
[they high five each other]
Adam: I called her but she didn’t call me back. She sent me a text.
Eli: Alright, well what did she text you.
Eli: Just ‘Hi’?
Eli: With nothing else? Just H-I?
Adam: I don’t know, what do I, what do I do with that? I don’t know.
Eli: That’s not good. You just got to walk away, pal. It’s over.
Eli: She’s not into it.
[as they watch Emma walk out of the Bistro and get into Sam’s car]
Adam: You really think she’s just using him for his car?
Eli: Uh, no, Adam, I don’t. I think he wants to fuck her in his Prius. And the thing about fucking in a Prius is that you don’t have to feel guilty afterwards.
Adam: Because it’s a carbon footprint.
[Adam shows up at Emma’s hospital with a balloon]
Emma: What are you doing here?
Adam: You didn’t call me back. So I thought I’d come here.
[referring to the balloon]
Adam: Oh, it’s for you.
Emma: Congrats? For what, having sex with you?
Adam: Yeah. You did a good job, so I thought you deserved a balloon.
Emma: I’m working.
Adam: Okay. So what’s up with not calling me back?
Emma: I’m not good at this stuff.
Adam: At what, talking?
Emma: Yeah. Talking, communicating, relationship stuff. That’s just, this is, if we were in a relationship I’d become a weird scary version of myself and my throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing. It’s like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.
Adam: Well, I can’t date you either. Because you’re not my dad’s type, so.
[referring to Adam]
Emma: But the height difference! We stand next to each other it looks like he’s kidnapping me. What?
[Patrice shakes her head]
Patrice: You always do this. You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you. And I date guys who have real problems. I date guys who steal my credit card and then they tell me it’s my fault because I left it out. You find these perfect guys and then you’re like, ‘It’ll never work, he’s too happy!’
[to the guy they pass as they walk along the hospital corridor]
Emma: What’s up, Dr. Metzner!
Emma: Did I just say, ‘what’s up’ to Steven Metzner’?
Patrice: That was really hard to watch.
Emma: Look I know I’m supposed to want to be in a relationship, but I just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old t-shirts.
[she takes our her phone]
Emma: I mean just from a purely logical perspective…
Patrice: What are you doing?
Emma: I’m texting him.
Patrice: Of course you are.
Eli: You know, you shouldn’t have gotten her a balloon actually. What do you think you are, the old guy from “Up”?
Adam: You told me to get her a balloon!
Eli: Well I didn’t think you’d actually do it. It’s a terrible idea.
[as he receives a text]
Adam: It’s from Emma.
Eli: Well what does it say?
Adam: ‘Where are you?’
Eli: What are you writing?
Adam: ‘Hi, how are you doing?’ And then a winky face.
Eli: No, Adam. It’s after ten p.m. Come on, the where are you text is like saying, ‘Hey, I want to have sex with you. But I just need to know how drunk you are.’
Wallace: Hey, did you fuck Emma and then bring her a balloon?
Adam: Did you tell him?
Eli: No! Yes!
Adam: You can’t tell anyone!
Eli: She just texted him ‘Where are you?’
Wallace: Oh, she wants the dick.
Eli: Adam, you want to come back strong here. You know, go from a position of power. Something like, ‘Where am I? Why don’t you check your underpants?’
Wallace: Don’t write that.
Adam: I would never write that.
Wallace: See I like to be kind of scary. Like, ‘Boo! Here comes my dick.’
[referring to replying to Emma’s text]
Wallace: So what did you write back?
Wallace: Yeah, that could work.
Eli: Yeah, it’s not bad. Hi is fine.
[Adam gets text from Emma saying ‘Your pace in 30 mins?’]
[after having sex Adam gets close to Emma and puts his head on her shoulder]
Emma: We probably shouldn’t snuggle.
Adam: Yeah, that just felt wrong.
Adam: You know, I don’t want to freak you out, but I’d love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.
Emma: It’s not really possible. I have no time. I work eighty hours a week doing thirty six hour shifts. What I need is someone who’s going to be in my bed in two a.m., who I don’t have to lie to or eat breakfast with.
Adam: I hate breakfast and lying. I also hate war.
Emma: Do you want to do this?
Adam: Do what?
Emma: Use each other for sex at all hours of the day and night, nothing else.
Adam: Yeah, I could do that.
Emma: Good. It’s going to be fun.
Adam: Hey, you know this is never going to work.
Emma: Why not?
Adam: Because clearly you’re going to fall in love with me.
Emma: Oh, really? Well, then we just do this until one of us feels something more and then we stop.
Adam: Well it won’t be me.
Emma: It won’t be me.
[he kisses her]
Adam: Good luck with that.
Emma: We should keep this simple. I mean, maybe we should establish some ground rules.
Adam: Ground rules, good idea.
Emma: Okay, well we can start with no fighting. No lying.
Adam: Those are good ones.
Emma: No jealousy. No staring deeply into each other’s eyes.
Emma: Don’t list me as your emergency contact. I won’t come.
Adam: Isn’t that against your Hippocratic Oath?
Emma: I’d let you die!
Adam: Oh, yeah?
[as she’s about to leave to meet Adam for another booty call]
Emma: I’ll be back in like, an hour.
Shira: Have fun.
Emma: I’m just getting some yogurt.
[to herself as Emma walks out of the apartment]
Shira: God, I am single as fuck.
[looking at Adam’s penis wearing 3-D glasses]
Emma: Oh, my God! It looks like it’s coming right at me.
Adam: Hey, oh, one more thing. Don’t call my penis cute. Even if it’s dressed up like a Care Bear and it’s giving you a care stare.
Emma: Don’t dress up your penis. Ever!
[as Adam and Emma are having loud sex, Eli walks over to Adams room and bangs loudly on his door]
Eli: I can’t focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
[referring to Sam’s car]
Adam: Wow! Prius. Nice. It’s kind of girly, but nice.
Sam: What do you drive?
Adam: Ah, just an old BMW, five series. Right there
[points to his car]
Sam: Oh, yeah. Sure. But I actually paid for mine, I didn’t take it from my parents.
Adam: Yeah, I paid for mine too.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Adam: You’re a big guy. Do you work out?
Sam: Oh, I row.
Adam: Like boats?
Sam: I rowed crew at Harvard.
Adam: Oh, Harvard. What were you a cocksman? What do they say? What do they call it?
Sam: Coxswain. No.
Sam: You know I get it, right. You’re sleeping with Emma.
Adam: I’m what?
Sam: You and Emma have sex sometimes. I get it. She’s tired, she calls you up, you drive over and have sex for guessing ten minutes. Think that’s going to last?
Adam: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sam: Sure you do. That’s fine for now, but you should just know that I’m going to be there right next to her every day, using big words, saving people’s lives. Then when she’s done having a fun with you, she’s going to come running to me because I’m a grown up and I have a real job. I can actually take care of her. You know? I’m the guy she marries, Adam. You’re the guy she fucked a couple of times in the handicap bathroom.
[as Adam walks into the apartment and finds Eli holding his legs up and looking at his feet]
Eli: I’m not saying Alvin and I did mushrooms together, but I’m not prepared to say that we didn’t. I know that you have issues with your dad, and that’s cool. But he really likes you and he definitely likes me and we were just jamming ideas and goofing around and tripping our balls off.
[after she’s told Emma about her engagement]
Katie: Mom is so excited. She was like screaming and crying last night! Oh, and she’s going to fly down with Bones and help me shop for the dress.
Emma: With who? Bones? Who’s Bones?
Katie: Oh, crap.
Emma: Katie. Katie, who’s Bones?
Katie: He’s mom’s friend. I wasn’t supposed to tell you about it. Crap!
Emma: She has a boyfriend named Bones? What is he a drifter?
Emma: Why didn’t she tell me?
Katie: Well Emma, you’re so good at being alone. Mom and I aren’t like that.
Emma: What’s that supposed to mean?
Katie: It’s Just, it’s true.
Emma: Look, Katie, you are twenty two. Do you really think you’re ready to quit school…?
Katie: I love him.
Patrice: Tea for you, Gina.
Emma: Thanks. My sister’s getting married.
Patrice: Yes, we know that.
Guy: We heard.
Shira: Oh, shut up, Emma!
Patrice: Did you take your Pamprin?
Shira: Leave me alone.
Patrice: You leave me alone.
Guy: I love it when we’re all on the same cycle. We all get to be passive aggressive and fight.
Patrice: You are not even a woman!
Adam: Oh, I understand what’s going on. You’re all on the same cycle. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.
Shira: Nice memorization. Did you Google that?
Adam: I may have. Because you’re women. And I think that’s a beautiful thing.
Patrice: It’s like a crime scene in my pants.
[Adam takes out a CD]
Adam: Oh, I also made you this.
[hands the CD to Emma]
Adam: To help soothe your womb.
[reading the CD songs]
Patrice: It’s a mix! “Even Flow.” “Red, Red Wine.”
Shira: “Sunday Bloody Sunday”?
Emma: Adam, did you make me a period mix?
Guy: That’s so romantic!
Patrice: Frank Sinatra, “I’ve Got the World on a String”!
Adam: That’s a classic.
[Emma wakes up to find Adam spooning her]
Emma: Adam! Adam!
Emma: We fell asleep, we were spooning.
Adam: We were?
Emma: Yeah. And we were spooning with our clothes on which is like ten times worse.
Adam: Oh, shit.
Adam: Fully clothed spoon.
Emma: This is bad!
Emma: Maybe we should, maybe we should stop for a while.
Adam: No, we’re not stopping.
Emma: Yeah, well. I don’t know. Go hook up with someone else.
Adam: Are you serious?
Emma: Yeah. Go to the nearest bar and have sex with a stranger.
Adam: You’re kidding?
Adam: This is crazy.
Emma: You made me a period mix. Adam, this is an emergency.
Adam: So you just want me to go?
Adam: Just have sex with a random woman?
Emma: Yeah, go.
Adam: Like a sexual woman?
Emma: Yes! I’ll go have sex with someone too.
Emma: No, this is going to be…
Emma: This is going to be good for us.
[he gets off the bed and walks out of her room]
Adam: That’s great. Great. Well done. Well played.
Adam: She said I should hook up with other people. I mean what am I supposed to do with that.
Wallace: Look at my face.
Adam: No, I get it. I…
Wallace: Look at my face. What does my face say?
Eli: Yeah, Adam. Come on. You’re living every man’s dream. I mean she wants you to hook up with other girls.
Eli: Look in ten years from now you’re going to be having sex with your wife. And it’s going to be in the missionary position and one of you is going to be asleep.
Eli: And you’re going to think back to this moment and you’re going to call me up, crying. And I’m going to laugh in your face, Adam. I’m sorry, but it’s what I’m going to do. This is a gift right now.
Wallace: You don’t even have to have breakfast with her!
Shira: You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?
Emma: No. Things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.
Shira: Okay. Yes. Good! We are getting laid tonight, right? This is going to be like Sideways except that you’re Paul Giamatti and I’m the guy that gets laid.
Emma: I can’t get laid?
Shira: No. Tonight is about me, Emma. Alright? I’m feeling hot. I’m feeling good. I am wearing bikini bottoms because my other underwear is dirty. Alright, we’re hot! You feel hot?
Emma: [shrugs] No one threw up on me today.
[Emma walks away]
Shira: We’re sluts, Emma! We’re dirty, dirty sluts!
Shira: Remember, we’re sluts!
[a very drunk Emma interrupts Adam’s night with Lisa and Joy]
Joy: What’s going on?
Adam: This is Joy.
Joy: I’m Joy. Hi.
Emma: Good for you.
[Lisa, wearing nothing but her underwear, joins them at the door]
Adam: And this is Lisa.
Emma: You are such an overachiever.
Adam: Thank you.
Lisa: Uh, no, we don’t need her. Make her leave.
Emma: No, you leave.
Lisa: Are you trying to get rid of us?
Emma: You look like a pumpkin, bitch!
Adam: This is amazing.
[Emma goes nuts on Lisa and Joy prompting them to leave of Adam’s place]
Emma: Ring-ring! It’s the pumpkin patch. They want their pumpkins back!
Lisa: We’re not pumpkins!
Joy: We’re ladies!
Emma: But you’re so orange!
[Adam tries carrying Emma inside]
Emma: Hey! Someone call Charlie Brown! We found the Great Pumpkin!
[referring to Emma going nuts on Lisa and Joy]
Adam: You’re crazy. I felt like Flava-Flav.
Emma: I can’t believe you chose those girls.
Adam: Are you jealous?
Emma: Don’t do that. Don’t just disappear like that on me.
Adam: You told me to.
Emma: You shouldn’t listen to me.
Adam: Fine, I won’t.
[she kisses him]
[Adam is in hospital for punching his hand into a wall]
Emma: Dr. Metzner? Adam, what’s going on? What happened?
Dr. Metzner: He sprained his wrist punching a wall.
Emma: You texted me that you were dying.
Adam: It really hurt.
Dr. Metzner: I gave him some Hydrocodone for the night. It’s a very strong painkiller. You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home. And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.
[hands it to Emma]
Dr. Metzner: Don’t worry, you’re in good hands. Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.
Emma: No! No. I’m, I’m not his girlfriend.
Adam: She is not my girlfriend.
Dr. Metzner: Oh sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact. My mistake. Feel better.
[Emma gives Adam a dirty look]
Dr. Metzner: Oh, uh, by the way, I enjoyed your dad’s TV show. Great Scott! It’s funny stuff.
Adam: I’ll tell him you said that.
[he pops a painkiller]
Adam: My dad invited me to dinner, he’s bringing Vanessa. You have to come.
Emma: No, I don’t. I just worked fourteen hours. I’m not going to meet your parents.
Adam: You know what? Just help me. These are really powerful painkillers. I can’t feel anything.
[suddenly Emma slaps Adam]
Emma: Feel that?
Adam: Yeah. I felt that.
[having dinner with his father and Vanessa]
Alvin: How long have you two been together?
Emma: Oh, we’re not.
Adam: We’re sex friends.
Emma: Yeah. Yes, we are.
Adam: We’re friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.
Alvin: Great Scott!
Vanessa: I know this might be hard, but just because I’m your ex-girlfriend doesn’t mean that you can’t look at me as a kind of mom.
Emma: Oh, boy!
Vanessa: Especially, because well, Alvin and I have been talking about creating new life together.
Alvin: You see we were at the Burning Man.
Vanessa: And we were all dressed up.
Alvin: Yeah. I was dressed as a fire bird.
Emma: And what were you dressed as?
Vanessa: I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert, and he was burying my bare body in the sand.
Alvin: Yeah, pecking at it with my fire beak.
Vanessa: And then I just though, you know, what if all these grains of sand were actually babies?
Alvin: And so we…
Vanessa: We had this wonderful idea.
Alvin: And we, well, we’d like your blessing, Adam. How do you feel about the two of us having a baby together.
[suddenly Adam bangs his head hard on the table]
Emma: This isn’t really my place. I mean, who am I? I just have sex with your son sometimes. But…
Adam: Yes, she does.
Emma: But, there is really no reason for you to bring a child into this world since you’re acting like children already.
Vanessa: That was really mean.
Emma: Yeah, I’m mean. But you’re fucking crazy. Because given the choice between Adam and his dad, given the choice between Adam and anyone really, I’d choose Adam, every time.
Emma: Do you want to get out of here?
Adam: Yeah. Fuck this.
[they get up to leave]
Emma: Oh, by the way. It’s the best sex of my life.
[yells to Alvin and Vanessa as they walk out of the restaurant]
Emma: Great Scott!
Adam: Go on a date with me.
Emma: [laughing] You’re heavily sedated.
Adam: Come on, it’s one date. Just do it.
Emma: Why? So I can wear make-up and act perfect all night?
Adam: Yeah. I’ll pick you up and we can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows and I’ll pay for everything. And you can reward me with an over the jeans cock rub. Like a real date.
Emma: Is that what you really want?
Adam: This Friday.
Emma: This Friday is Valentine’s Day.
Adam: Go big or go home. They’ll be hearts and maybe some flowers. One date.
Emma: I’ll go on a date with you.
Emma: I made you a Valentine’s Day card.
[takes the card looks at it and laughs]
Adam: It’s perfect. Will you read it for me? Is that weird?
[Emma takes the card back and reads it]
Emma: You give me premature ventricular contractions.
Adam: I’m assuming that’s a good thing.
Emma: You make my heart skip a beat.
Emma: Don’t make fun of me!
[at the diner during their Valentine’s Day date]
Emma: I don’t get my own milkshake?
Adam: No, it’s one milkshake, two straws. That’s what makes it so special.
Emma: But I’m so hungry
Adam: We have dinner, later. Didn’t you read the itinerary?
Emma: You’re going to get more shake you have a bigger mouth.
Adam: You have a pretty big mouth.
[as Adam tries to show his feelings during their date]
Emma: I can’t do this. Could you please take me back to work?
Adam: No. No. That’s not the deal. The deal is that we’re going to walk around and we’re going to look at the twinkly lights and then…
Emma: Why are you messing everything up?
Adam: It’s what people do. I mean, they buy each other flowers and they go to museums and they don’t…
Emma: You know me. This stuff freaks me out. It’s fake. What’s wrong with what we were doing? It’s working, we don’t have to fight, we don’t have to…
Adam: Maybe I want to fight.
Emma: Yeah, well. I don’t!
Adam: What are you going to do? You’re just, you’re never going to feel anything? How are you going to do that?
Emma: I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.
Adam: You’re so messed up.
Emma: Yeah? I don’t need you to take care of me, I take care of myself. That’s what I do.
Emma: Why don’t you go find some other girl who’s not going to hurt you?
Adam: Because I love you.
[suddenly Emma starts hitting and pushing him]
Adam: It’s obvious. I completely love you! There!
[she continues to hit and push him]
Adam: Oh! You’re such a wimp!
Emma: I am not a wimp.
Adam: Well then be with me!
[she continues to push and hit him]
Adam: Okay, you’re going to fight me. Is that, you’re going to fight. You can’t fight me, you’re miniature. You’re like a girl Rick Moranis. You fight like a hamster.
[as Adam drives Emma back to the hospital from their disastrous date]
Adam: I can’t keep doing this. I’m not going to see you again.
Emma: I know, that makes sense.
Lucy: I read your script and I love it. I really do.
Lucy: Yeah. And honestly like I didn’t think that you could write, mainly because you’re so just so beautiful. Uh, seriously it’s distracting for me.
Adam: Thank you for reading it.
[referring to how she came over to Adam’s as soon as he read his script]
Lucy: It sounds crazy, because now that I’m saying it out loud it does sound crazy.
Adam: It’s no crazy. Thank you for reading it.
Lucy: No. No. No. I emailed it to Megan.
Adam: No shit?
Lucy: Yeah! And, uh, let’s see what she says.
Lucy: Yeah, I told her she’d be crazy to not like it. But then again she is a functioning psychotic. So it’s like, who knows!
Lucy: I feel like I’m talking too much about this, but…
Adam: Hey, do you want to…?
Lucy: What? Yeah, sorry. What were you going to…?
Adam: Just to hang out?
Lucy: Oh, that’s crazy. I was like, what’s he going to say and then you said that. It’s not what I thought you were going to say. Um…
[Adam pulls out a chair for her]
Lucy: Oh! That is a chair.
[she sits down]
Lucy: Fuck, yeah. Do I curse too much?
Adam: Fuck, no!
[to Emma who is looking sad and depressed 6 weeks later after breaking up with Adam]
Shira: Can I say something? And don’t take this the wrong way, because you know I’ll be your friend no matter what. Just, you’ve been kind of depressing to be around lately and I might start avoiding you in the hallway, that’s all. Just thought you should know.
[referring to her boyfriend, who’s sleeping and snoring loudly in the car as Emma drives]
Sandra Kurtzman: He’s an amazing lover.
Emma: Oh, boy!
Sandra Kurtzman: That’s why they call him Bones.
Sandra Kurtzman: You know I worry about you sometimes.
Emma: Why? Is this about me not having a date?
Sandra Kurtzman: No. No. I know you can dance alone and I know that you’ll be fine. You’re always fine.
Sandra Kurtzman: I don’t know. When we lost your father I couldn’t stand to see you in pain and I think you knew that. And I think that you got good at being strong for me. But I’m telling you be hurt. I can take it. The world can take it.
[Emma looks tearful]
[celebrating after Adam’s show air’s]
Wallace: Great job!.
Eli: Yeah. Great job, man.
Wallace: Yeah. Really good.
Adam: What you guys like it? Like really?
Eli: Wallace cried.
Wallace: So? It reminded me of my senior prom. I got a hand job on the dance floor to ‘Who Let the Dogs Out.’
[to Adam, referring to Lucy]
Wallace: Why are you not trying to fuck that girl?
Eli: Yeah. She’s crazy hot, Adam. She’s like a sexy scientist.
Wallace: You need to go over there and man up. You need to go for it. We’re counting on you here, man. Man up, man!
Eli: Man up!
[Adam walks over to Lucy]
Wallace: Go for it! Man up!
Eli: You keep saying ‘Man up’, you cried during the show.
Wallace: I liked the show.
Emma: I can’t stop thinking about him.
Katie: Who? Adam?
Emma: Yeah. I know it’s over and I’m looking, it’s just no one is as…
Emma: He’s so tall.
Katie: So tall.
Emma: And he’s so like…
Emma: Annoyingly happy all the time. But he has this, he has the best heart.
[Emma calls Adam whilst he’s at his show opening party]
Emma: Hi. It’s Emma Kurtzman from Camp Weehawken.
Adam: Yes. What is it?
Emma: So my sister’s getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow and, uh, I don’t know. I heard your show was tonight. Uh, congratulations.
Adam: Thank you.
Emma: I know this is random. I just, um, I miss you. I miss you so much.
Adam: Okay. I don’t know what to say. You’re calling me because you’re at your sister’s wedding and she looks happy and everyone is happy and you’re not.
Emma: I thought, I don’t know what I thought. I just I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I know we broke up but…
Adam: Emma. We didn’t break up. We never started. I got to go, um, I’m still at work, so. Uh, have fun at the wedding and tell your sister congratulations. Bye.
[he hangs up]
Emma: Oh, fuck!
[Emma looks at Katie]
Emma: I have to…
[after driving to Adam’s and finding Adam arrive home with Lucy Emma call Katie]
Katie: Hey! How did it go? Did you find him?
Emma: Yeah, he was with, with a girl. It’s his girlfriend. And I was in a bush.
Katie: Oh crap. Are you still there?
Katie: Okay, get in your car and drive away. And how much money do you have on you?
Emma: Uh, like ten bucks.
Katie: Okay, the box of fifty doughnut holes is five seventy nine. You’re going to need two boxes.
[Emma starts to cry]
Emma: I lost him!
Katie: I’m so sorry.
Katie: I love you.
Emma: I know.
Lucy: So then when I was like, eleven, I was in therapy because I was like obsessively, um, biting my hair and then three months in my therapist died. I know! So it was like, that was kind of a bummer. But yeah, that’s why I hate planes.
[Adam hands her glass of wine]
Lucy: Thanks. So that’s that story.
Lucy: Oh, thank you.
[they drink from their glasses then go to kiss but instead bang their foreheads together]
Adam: Ow! Ow!
Lucy: I’m so sorry. That was such a fail on my part.
[Adam arrives at the hospital after he’s heard his father has been admitted]
Vanessa: Okay, don’t freak out. Okay? You’re overdosed from cough syrup.
Adam: He what?
Vanessa: The purple drank.
Adam: The purple drank?
Vanessa: It’s, um, SevenUp, cough syrup and a Jolly Rancher.
Adam: Why would he do that, Vanessa?
Vanessa: Because he loves Lil Wayne, okay! You don’t know everything about your dad.
Adam: Why are you making him listen to Lil Wayne? You should be taking care of him.
Vanessa: I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I, you know, I didn’t think that it was going to be so, I don’t want to have kids! I just want to have fun. He’s so old.
Adam: Yeah. He’s getting older and you’re going to have to deal with that.
Vanessa: Adam, old people scare me.
Adam: Let’s just go see him. Okay?
Vanessa: No! No! No! I can’t! I can’t! Adam, I can’t. I’ve got to go. My friend, she’s having a party. I’m already so late. Will you just take Freckles?
[she pushes the Freckles, the dog, towards him]
Adam: Don’t take this wrong way, but you’re a terrible person.
Vanessa: Just take Freckles.
[he takes the dog and Vanessa leaves]
[visiting his dad in hospital]
Alvin: You know who I wish was here right now? You’re mom.
Adam: Yeah, well you left her. Why?
Alvin: When you’re married and you do blow, try to stay away from women who want to fuck you. Even ugly women. Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.
Adam: You’re an asshole.
Alvin: But you’re not. You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.
[referring to Emma]
Adam: She drives me crazy.
Alvin: Hey. I’m fifty eight years old. I’ve been married three times.
Alvin: Okay. I got six pictures of my cock on my phone and two of someone else’s. And I’m still pretty high on the cough syrup, so you can take this with a grain of salt. But we don’t pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens like it should.
[he picks Freckles up and looks at him]
Alvin: I may have to kill this dog, I just haven’t decided how.
[Adam call Emma as he’s leaving the hospital after seeing his dad]
Adam: Hey, you can’t call me and tell me that you miss me. I don’t want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can’t text me and you can’t e-mail me and you can’t write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.
[Emma get out of her car which is parked outside the hospital]
Emma: I’m here.
Adam: How did you know that…?
Emma: Shira texted me about your dad, so I came here.
Emma: I know I just can’t call you.
Adam: No, you can’t.
Emma: I know. I hurt you, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I wasted so much time pretending I didn’t care. I guess I just didn’t want to feel like this. It hurts.
[she starts crying]
Emma: But I love you. I’m totally completely and in love with you and I don’t care if you think it’s too late, I’m telling you anyway.
[Adam just stares at her]
Emma: Will you please say something?
Adam: Wait. You should know, if you come any closer, I’m not letting you go.
[she takes a step closer and he suddenly grabs her and kisses her]
Emma: I love you.
Adam: That’s good.
[they kiss again]
Emma: Want to go with me to this stupid thing.
Adam: Your sister’s wedding thing?
[Emma nods her head]
Adam: And how long do we have to be there?
Emma: A couple of hours. What do you want to do?
Adam: Something crazy.
[as they are eating a large breakfast at a diner]
Adam: Wow! Now I know why you never want to have breakfast with me.
Adam: You eat like a baby dinosaur. You don’t even chew.
Emma: You think you can get used to it?
Adam: Yeah, I think so.
Emma: Good. I was hoping we could do this a lot more.
Adam: You know, I was thinking we’re going to have to come up with some new rules. I’d like to start calling you ‘honey’ and ‘babe’.
Emma: I don’t know about ‘babe’.
Emma: Oh, yeah. I think we’ll just hang in.
Adam: Wow! This is all moving so fast.
Emma: Also, I’d like to leave the door open when I pee.
Adam: I think, no.
Emma: I think I’m going to do it all the time. It’s going to get weird.
[last lines before credits; as they arrive just in time for Katie’s wedding]
Emma: So what happens now?
[he takes hold of her hand]
Total Quotes: 90