Office Space
Quotes Page 1 2
[first lines; Samir is sitting in traffic, he grabs the steering wheel and shakes it in frustration]
Samir: Mother…shitter…son of a… ass! You…I just!
[punches steering wheel]
[answering the different phone lines]
Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
[she repeats this over and over]
Bill Lumbergh: Hello, Peter. What’s happening? Uh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn’t put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Oh, yeah. I’m sorry about that. I, I forgot.
Bill Lumbergh: Mmmm…yeah. You see, we’re putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have the memo right here. I just uh…forgot. But, uh, it’s not shipping out till tomorrow, so there’s no problem.
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. And uh, I’ll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. Mmmkay? Bye bye, Peter.
Peter Gibbons: No, I…I have the memo. I’ve got it. It’s right…
[Lumbergh isn’t listening and walks away from Peter’s cubicle]
[Peter can hear the sound of a radio coming from Milton’s cubicle which is next to his]
Peter Gibbons: Milton? Hi, uh…could you turn that down just a little bit?
Milton Waddams: But I…I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven while I’m collating…
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, no, no. I know you’re allowed to. I was just thinking maybe like, you know, a personal favor?
Milton Waddams: Well, I, I told Bill that if…if Sandra’s going to listen to her headphones while she’s…while she’s filing, then I should be able to listen to the radio while I’m collating.
Peter Gibbons: Uh-huh.
Milton Waddams: So I don’t see why…
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Milton Waddams: …I should have to turn down the radio…
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. All right. Okay.
Milton Waddams: …because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
[Peter walks back to his seat in his cubicle]
Peter Gibbons: Thanks, Milton.
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What’s happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I’ve already taken care of it so it’s not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!
[he walks away. Peter’s phone rings and he answers it]
Peter Gibbons: Peter Gibbons.
[he listens then answers]
Peter Gibbons: Yes. I have the memo.
[standing by the printer Samir sees that there’s a paper jam]
Samir: Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!! I swear to God, one of these days, I…I…I just kick this piece of shit out the window!
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I’m not armed.
[Samir grabs the paper out, tearing off the bottom part of it]
Samir: Piece of shit!
Female Temp: Michael…Bolton?
Michael Bolton: That’s me.
Female Temp: Wow! Is that your real name?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Female Temp: So are you related to that singer guy?
Michael Bolton: No, it’s just a coincidence.
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It’s…it’s not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm…well, why don’t you just uh…go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.
Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton: What’s up, G?
Peter Gibbons: Wanna go to Chotchkie’, get some coffee?
Samir: It’s a little early.
Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I’m gonna lose it.
Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.
Peter Gibbons: Boy, I’ll tell ya, some days…one of these days it’s just gonna be like…
[he mimics a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, does it too, in Peter’s face]
Brian: [laughing] So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
Peter Gibbons: What if we’re still doing this when we’re fifty?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh’s gonna have me work on Saturday. I…I can tell already. I’m gonna end up doing it, because, uh…because I’m a big pussy. Which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don’t consider myself a pussy, okay?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
[Peter notices Joanna talking to her boss]
Peter Gibbons: Oh, there she is.
Samir: Peter, you, you always talk about this girl. If you’re so obsessed with her, why don’t you just ask her out?
Peter Gibbons: No, I can’t do that! I’m just another asshole customer. You can’t just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.
Peter Gibbons: Oh, that reminds me. I’m not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday. Uh, I’m gonna see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.
Michael Bolton: Dude! An occupational hypnotherapist?!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I…I know! Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. You know, sometimes I think that…I keep thinking that she’s cheating on me.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Samir: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: What is that supposed to mean?
Michael Bolton: Nothing. Look, why don’t you just tell Anne that you’re not into hypnosis and you want to play poker with us?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, I can’t do that. She’ll get all pissed off. And besides, I think that the guy might actually be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
Samir: Peter, she’s anorexic!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know. The guy’s really good.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, I don’t think any occupational hypnotherapist is gonna help you solve any of your problems.
[to Peter]
Michael Bolton: Hey, and speaking of problems, what’s this I hear about you having problems with your TPS reports?
Samir: Yeah. Didn’t you get that memo?
[Peter sigh]
Tom Smykowski: Have you seen this? I knew it! I knew it!
[he hands them a piece of paper]
Michael Bolton: What? It’s the staff meeting. So what?
Tom Smykowski: So what? We’re all screwed, that’s what! They’re gonna downsize Initech.
Samir: What are you talking about Tom? How do you know that?
Tom Smykowski: How do I know? They’re bringing in a consultant, that’s how I know. That’s what this staff meeting is all about! It happened at Initrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant, they call in efficiency experts. But what you’re really doing is interviewing for your own job!
Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you’re gonna lose your job and you’re still here.
Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I’ll bet I’m the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those scumbags!
Tom Smykowski: You know there are people in this world that don’t have to put up with
all this shit? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see, that’s what you have to do. You have to use your mind, come up with some really great idea like that, and you can make millions, never have to work again!
Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?
Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
Michael Bolton: That is the worse idea I’ve ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Tom Smykowski: Ah, look, uh…I gotta get outta here. I’ll see you guys later, if I still have a job.
[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting around the printer]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars, didn’t have to work. And invariably whatever you’d say that was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you’re supposed to be an auto-mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that’s why I’m working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you’re working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there’d be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who work in uh, securities…
Michael Bolton: Samir…Samir, you’re missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you’re supposed to figure out what you would want to do if…
[printer starts beeping, Michael reads the printer’s display]
Michael Bolton: “PC Load Letter”? What the fuck does that mean?
[he knocks off the paper tray]
[shouting through the wall from his apartment]
Lawrence: Hey Peter, man! check out channel nine, check out this chick!
Peter Gibbons: Dammit! Lawrence, can’t you just pretend like we can’t hear each other through the wall?
Lawrence: Oh, sorry man! Ann over there or somethin’?
Peter Gibbons: No! But, if you wanna to talk to me, just come over.
Lawrence: Doesn’t that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit…
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn’t been over here in a while. You two still goin’ out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess…I, I don’t know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she’s cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don’t know, man. I just get that feeling lookin’ at her like she’s the type of chick that just…
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?”
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Lawrence: We still goin’ fishin’ this weekend?
Peter Gibbons: Nah, Lumbergh’s gonna have me come in on Saturday. I just know it.
Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, how?
Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on a Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: So, all you gotta do is avoid him.
[Peter offers him a beer bottle opener]
Lawrence: That’s all right, I got it. On the last few hours on Friday. Duck out early, turn off your answering machine. You should be home free, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s a really good idea.
Lawrence: Fuckin’ A, man!
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man; two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He’s broke, don’t do shit.
[addressing the staff]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, y’know, if you want to, go ahead and uh, wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
[talking on the phone to Peter]
Milton Waddams: But I, I said, I, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I, then I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.
Peter Gibbons: Okay, Milton.
Milton Waddams: No, it’s not okay because if they make me, if they, if they take my, my stapler then I…I’ll…I’ll have to, I’ll set the building on fire…
Peter Gibbons: Okay, well that sounds uh…that sounds great. Uh…I’ll talk to you later, all right. Bye.
[Peter tries to shut down his computer to leave early to avoid Lumbergh but he’s too late]
Bill Lumbergh: Hello Peter. What’s happening? Um, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great. Mmmkay?
[he starts to walk away]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Uh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too. Okay? We, uh, lost some people this week and uh, we need to sort of catch up. Thanks.
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um…every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that’s messed up.
Peter Gibbons: Is there any way that you could, sort of just sock me out so that like I…I don’t know that I’m at work?
[pointing to his head]
Peter Gibbons: In here? Could I come home and think that I’ve been fishing all day or something?
Dr. Swanson: That’s really not what I do, Peter. However, the good news is, I think I can help you. I want you to do something for me, Peter. I want you to try and relax. I want you to relax every muscle in your body, beginning with your toes to your fingertips. Now I want you to relax your legs. You’re beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy as you slip deeper and deeper into a state of complete relaxation. All your cares and concerns are disappearing. Deeper and deeper, way down, your concern about your job melts away. Way, way down. Now when I count backwards from three, you’ll be in a state of complete relaxation. your worries, cares and ambitions will be gone. And you will remain in that state until I snap my fingers. Three. Deeper and deeper. Way, way down. Two. Deeper and deeper. Way down. On…on…one…
[Swanson faints and fall out of the chair and everyone rushes to his aid, except for Peter]
[on the phone to Anne after sleeping in on the Saturday he’s supposed to be at work]
Anne: Peter, what’s going on?!
Peter Gibbons: Huh?
Anne: It’s three thirty. Why aren’t you at work?!
Peter Gibbons: Because I…I…I didn’t feel like it.
Anne: Peter, what’s gotten into you? First, you sit there while Dr. Swanson dies and you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my friends. And don’t blame this on hypnosis either. That’s total bull!
[Peter hangs up. Anne calls back and Peter lets the call go the answering machine]
Anne: Listen, Asshole. Nobody hangs up on me. We’re through! Oh…uh, and one more thing. I’ve been cheating on you!
[Peter gets back into bed]
Peter Gibbons: I was asking what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have
lunch with me?
Joanna: Are you…are you serious?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Yeah, um…I don’t uh…think I’m supposed to do that.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. Okay, well I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m gonna go next door and get a
table and if you’d like to join me, uh…no big deal. All right? And if not, that’s cool too. Okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: All right.
[he starts to walk away]
Joanna: When you uh…say “next door”, do you mean uh, Chili’s or Flingers?
Peter Gibbons: Flingers.
Joanna: Okay.
[Bob Slydell and Bob Porter are interviewing Tom]
Bob Slydell: What you do at Initech, is you take the specifications from the customers and
you bring them down to the software engineers?
Tom Smykowski: Yes. Ye…yes. That…that’s right.
Bob Porter: Well, then I just have to ask, why couldn’t the customers just take them
directly to the software people, huh?
Tom Smykowski: Well, I…I’ll tell you why. Uh, because engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
Bob Slydell: Uh-huh. So, you physically take the specs from the customer?
Tom Smykowski: Well, no, my, my secretary does that, or the fax.
Bob Slydell: Ah.
Bob Porter: So, then you must physically bring them to the software people.
Tom Smykowski: Well…no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
Bob Slydell: What…what would you say you do here?
Tom Smykowski: Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so
the engineers don’t have to. I have people skills. I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!
[Bob Slydell and Bob Porter are interviewing Michael] 
Bob Slydell: Let’s see. You are Michael…Bolton?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Bob Porter: Is that your real name?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Bob Porter: Are you any relation to the pop singer?
Michael Bolton: No. It’s just a coincidence.
Bob Slydell: I’ll be honest with you, I love his music. I do. I’m a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don’t know if it gets any better than when he sings “When a Man Loves a Woman”.
Bob Porter: But, you must really love his music.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. He’s, he’s, he’s pretty, he’s pretty good, I guess.
Bob Slydell: You’re god damn right he is.
[they laugh]
Bob Porter: So tell me. What’s your favorite song of his?
Michael Bolton: Hmm. I don’t, I don’t know. I mean, I guess, I sort of like ’em all.
[the Bobs laugh]
Bob Slydell: That’s why I feel the exact same way. But it must be twice as hard for you, being having the same name as him. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalogue. Anyway, let’s get down to business, Michael!
Michael Bolton: You know, you, you can just call me Mike.
[the Bobs stare at him]
[Peter is sitting at a table in Flingers when Joanna enters]
Joanna: Hi.
Peter Gibbons: Hey.
[referring to her work uniform]
Joanna: I wonder if I’m allowed to uh…wear this in here.
Peter Gibbons: I think you’ll be okay. Would you like to sit down?
Joanna: Okay. Wow! This place is really…nice.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, is it?
Joanna: Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie’s. I like the uniforms better anyway.
Peter Gibbons: I like yours.
Peter Gibbons: What’s a piece of flair?
Joanna: Oh, it’s uh…it’s where you know like the…the suspenders and buttons are all sort of…We’re actually required to wear um…fifteen pieces of flair. Quite stupid actually.
Peter Gibbons: Do you get to pick ’em yourself?
Joanna: Yeah. Yeah. We do. Although I didn’t actually choose these. I, um, I just sort of grabbed fifteen buttons and just…I don’t even know what they say! Y’know, I don’t really care. I don’t really like talking about my flair.
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Joanna: So, where do you uh, work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In…yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What’s that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh…it doesn’t really matter. I uh, I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You’re just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won’t you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, but I really don’t like it, and, uh, I’m not gonna go.
Joanna: So you’re gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh…I’m just gonna stop going.
Joanna: Uh…when did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: About an hour ago. So you’re gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t think I’d like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and…
Peter Gibbons: You know, I’ve never really liked paying bills. I don’t think I’m gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Uhh…well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch Kung Fu. Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
Joanna: I love Kung Fu.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight.
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Great.
Joanna: Okay. Can we order lunch first?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah
Joanna: Okay.
Bill Lumbergh: Hi, Milton. What’s happening? Um, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and move your desk again. So, if you could go ahead and get it to as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.
Milton Waddams: No, no, because I was, I was told…
Bill Lumbergh: That way, we’ll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put
in here.
Milton Waddams: No…no…
[Lumbergh sees the Swingline stapler on Milton’s desk]
Bill Lumbergh: And uh…oh, there it is.
Milton Waddams: What?
Bill Lumbergh: Here, let me just go ahead and get that from ya. Great. So if you could just get to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Okay? Have a nice lunch, Milton. Bye.
[he walks off]
Milton Waddams: [to himself] Okay. I’ll set the building on fire.
[Peter enters the office late in his casual clothes]
Michael Bolton: What the hell’s going on, man? I thought you were going to come in here and start shooting.
Peter Gibbons: No. I just came to get my address book. I’m not gonna stay. I’ve got a phone number, Mike, that I don’t wanna lose.
Michael Bolton: What?! Peter, you’re in deep shit! You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Michael Bolton: Well, I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh.
Michael Bolton: You know, you’re supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants.
Peter Gibbons: With who?
Michael Bolton: The consultants. What has gotten into you?
Peter Gibbons: Oh yeah. Right!
Michael Bolton: Wait. Peter, Peter, postpone it man. Tell them you were sick. Make something up.
Peter Gibbons: Ah, no way. I feel great. It’s the best day of my life.
[after Peter walks into interview room where the Bobs are]
Bob Slydell: I’m Bob Slydell and this is my associate, Bob Porter.
Peter Gibbons: Oh hi, Bob. Bob.
Bob Slydell: Why don’t you go ahead and grab a seat and join us for a minute?
Bob Slydell: You see, what we’re actually trying to do here is, we’re just, we’re trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work. So, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. Uh, I use the side door, that way Lumbergh can’t see me. And, uh, after that I just sort of space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk but it looks like I’m working. I do that for uh, probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Bob Slydell: Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport and indulge us and just tell us a little more?
Peter Gibbons: Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something about TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.
Bob Porter: Don’t…don’t care?
Peter Gibbons: It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don’t see another dime, so where’s the motivation? And here’s something else, Bob. I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Bob Slydell: What if, and believe me this is a hypothetical, but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, I guess. Listen, I’m gonna go. Uh, it’s been really nice talking to both of you guys.
[he shakes their hands]
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure’s all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great…wow!
Stan: We need to talk about your flair.
Joanna: Really? I…I have fifteen pieces on. I, uh…
[she shows him her flair buttons]
Stan: Well, okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Stan: Now, you know it’s up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or uh…well, like Brian, for example, has thirty seven pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile.
Joanna: Okay. So you…you want me to wear more?
Stan: Look. Joanna.
Joanna: Yeah.
Stan: People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie’s for the atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That’s what the flair’s about. It’s about fun.
Joanna: Yeah. Okay. So more then, yeah?
Stan: Look, we want you to express yourself, okay? Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then okay. But some people choose to wear more and we encourage that, okay? You do want to express yourself, don’t you?
Joanna: Yeah. Yeah.
Stan: Okay. Great. Great. That’s all I ask.
Joanna: Okay.
[she walks away]
[telling Lumbergh who’s going to be fired]
Bob Slydell: Right, so there’s three more people we can easily lose, and then there’s Tom Smykowski. He’s useless. Gone.
Dom Portwood: Sounds good to me.
Bob Slydell: Here’s a peculiar…uh…Milton Waddams
Dom Portwood: Who’s he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we…we can’t actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it. But through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it’ll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
Bob Slydell: I’d like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that’s just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
Bill Lumbergh: Ooh, yeah. Um, I’m going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah. Uh, he’s been real flaky lately and I’m just not sure that he’s the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He’s also been having some problems with his TPS reports.
Bob Porter: [to Bob] I’ll handle this.
Bob Porter: [to Lumbergh] We feel that the problem isn’t with Peter.
Bob Slydell: Uh-um.
Bob Porter: It’s that you haven’t challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
Bob Slydell: There it is.
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah. Uh, well I’m just not sure about that right now.
Bob Porter: Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here. How much time would you say you spend each week dealing with these TPS reports?
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah…
Total Quotes: 92
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