Office Space Quotes – ‘If I don’t get my stapler…’

Starring: Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, David Herman, Ajay Naidu, Diedrich Bader, Stephen Root, Gary Cole, Richard Riehle, Alexandra Wentworth, Joe Bays,
John C. McGinley, Paul Willson, Michael McShane

OUR RATING: ★★★★★

Story:

Comedy written and directed by Mike Judge, and the story follows corporate drone Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston), who hates his office job at a software company. While undergoing hypnotherapy, Peter is left in a blissful state when his therapist dies in the middle of their session and he starts to date a waitress, Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), and changes his attitude which results in him being promoted. When Peter’s friends, Michael Bolton and Samir Nagheenanajar (David Herman and Ajay Naidu), learn they’re about to be laid off due to downsizing, the trio plant a virus into the company’s banking system that will siphon money into Peter’s bank account gradually. However, after a glitch in the virus code causes a large sum of money to immediately transfer to their account, the trio must find a way to solve the problem without going to jail.

Our Favorite Quotes:

‘The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.’ - Peter Gibbons (Office Space) Click To Tweet ‘Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.’ - Peter Gibbons (Office Space) Click To Tweet ‘I do want to express myself, okay? And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it.’ – Joanna (Office Space) Click To Tweet ‘The ratio of people to cake is too big.’ - Milton Waddams (Office Space) Click To Tweet

Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 92)

[first lines; Samir is sitting in traffic, he grabs the steering wheel and shakes it in frustration]
Samir: Mother shitter son of a ass! You, I just!
[punches steering wheel]

[answering the different phone lines]
Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
[she repeats this over and over]

Bill Lumbergh: Hello, Peter. What’s happening? Uh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn’t put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Oh, yeah. I’m sorry about that. I, I forgot.
Bill Lumbergh: Mm, yeah. You see, we’re putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have the memo right here. I just, uh, forgot. But, uh, it’s not shipping out till tomorrow, so there’s no problem.
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. And, uh, I’ll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. Mmmkay? Bye bye, Peter.
Peter Gibbons: No, I have the memo. I’ve got it. It’s right…
[Lumbergh isn’t listening and walks away from Peter’s cubicle]

[Peter can hear the sound of a radio coming from Milton’s cubicle which is next to his]
Peter Gibbons: Milton? Hi, uh, could you turn that down just a little bit?
Milton Waddams: But I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven while I’m collating…
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, no, no. I know you’re allowed to. I was just thinking maybe like, you know, a personal favor?
Milton Waddams: Well, I, I told Bill that if Sandra’s going to listen to her headphones while she’s, while she’s filing, then I should be able to listen to the radio while I’m collating.
Peter Gibbons: Uh-huh.
Milton Waddams: So I don’t see why…
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Milton Waddams: …I should have to turn down the radio…
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. All right. Okay.
Milton Waddams: …because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
[Peter walks back to his seat in his cubicle]
Peter Gibbons: Thanks, Milton.

Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What’s happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I’ve already taken care of it so it’s not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!
[he walks away. Peter’s phone rings and he answers it]
Peter Gibbons: Peter Gibbons.
[he listens then answers]
Peter Gibbons: Yes. I have the memo.

[standing by the printer Samir sees that there’s a paper jam]
Samir: Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!! I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window!
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I’m not armed.
[Samir grabs the paper out, tearing off the bottom part of it]
Samir: Piece of shit!

Female Temp: Michael Bolton?
Michael Bolton: That’s me.
Female Temp: Wow! Is that your real name?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Female Temp: So are you related to that singer guy?
Michael Bolton: No, it’s just a coincidence.

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It’s not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hm, well, why don’t you just, uh, go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.

Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton: What’s up, G?
Peter Gibbons: want to go to Chotchkie’, get some coffee?
Samir: It’s a little early.
Peter Gibbons: I got to get out of here. I think I’m going to lose it.
Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.

Peter Gibbons: Boy, I’ll tell ya, some days, one of these days it’s just going to be like…
[he mimics a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, does it too, in Peter’s face]
Brian: [laughing] So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

Peter Gibbons: What if we’re still doing this when we’re fifty?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh’s going to have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I’m going to end up doing it, because, uh, because I’m a big pussy. Which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don’t consider myself a pussy, okay?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.

[Peter notices Joanna talking to her boss]
Peter Gibbons: Oh, there she is.
Samir: Peter, you, you always talk about this girl. If you’re so obsessed with her, why don’t you just ask her out?
Peter Gibbons: No, I can’t do that! I’m just another asshole customer. You can’t just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.

Peter Gibbons: Oh, that reminds me. I’m not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday. Uh, I’m going to see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.
Michael Bolton: Dude! An occupational hypnotherapist?!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I know! Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. You know, sometimes I think that, I keep thinking that she’s cheating on me.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Samir: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: What is that supposed to mean?
Michael Bolton: Nothing. Look, why don’t you just tell Anne that you’re not into hypnosis and you want to play poker with us?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, I can’t do that. She’ll get all pissed off. And besides, I think that the guy might actually be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
Samir: Peter, she’s anorexic!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know. The guy’s really good.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, I don’t think any occupational hypnotherapist is going to help you solve any of your problems.

[to Peter]
Michael Bolton: Hey, and speaking of problems, what’s this I hear about you having problems with your TPS reports?
Samir: Yeah. Didn’t you get that memo?
[Peter sigh]

Tom Smykowski: Have you seen this? I knew it! I knew it!
[he hands them a piece of paper]
Michael Bolton: What? It’s the staff meeting. So what?
Tom Smykowski: So what? We’re all screwed, that’s what! They’re going to downsize Initech.
Samir: What are you talking about Tom? How do you know that?
Tom Smykowski: How do I know? They’re bringing in a consultant, that’s how I know. That’s what this staff meeting is all about! It happened at Initrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant, they call in efficiency experts. But what you’re really doing is interviewing for your own job!
Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you’re going to lose your job and you’re still here.
Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I’ll bet I’m the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those scumbags!

Tom Smykowski: You know there are people in this world that don’t have to put up with
all this shit? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see, that’s what you have to do. You have to use your mind, come up with some really great idea like that, and you can make millions, never have to work again!
Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?
Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
Michael Bolton: That is the worse idea I’ve ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Tom Smykowski: Ah, look, uh, I got to get out of here. I’ll see you guys later, if I still have a job.

[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting around the printer]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars, didn’t have to work. And invariably whatever you’d say that was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you’re supposed to be an auto-mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that’s why I’m working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you’re working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there’d be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who work in, uh, securities…
Michael Bolton: Samir, Samir, you’re missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you’re supposed to figure out what you would want to do if…
[printer starts beeping, Michael reads the printer’s display]
Michael Bolton: “PC Load Letter”? What the fuck does that mean?
[he knocks off the paper tray]

[shouting through the wall from his apartment]
Lawrence: Hey Peter, man! check out channel nine, check out this chick!
Peter Gibbons: Dammit! Lawrence, can’t you just pretend like we can’t hear each other through the wall?
Lawrence: Oh, sorry man! Ann over there or something?
Peter Gibbons: No! But, if you want to to talk to me, just come over.

Lawrence: Doesn’t that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit…
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn’t been over here in a while. You two still going out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess I, I don’t know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she’s cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don’t know, man. I just get that feeling looking at her like she’s the type of chick that just…

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?”
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked saying something like that, man.

Lawrence: We still going fishing this weekend?
Peter Gibbons: Nah, Lumbergh’s going to have me come in on Saturday. I just know it.
Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, how?
Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on a Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: So, all you got to do is avoid him.
[Peter offers him a beer bottle opener]
Lawrence: That’s all right, I got it. On the last few hours on Friday. Duck out early, turn off your answering machine. You should be home free, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s a really good idea.
Lawrence: Fucking A, man!

Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man; two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; because chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He’s broke, don’t do shit.

[addressing the staff]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and, uh, wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

[talking on the phone to Peter]
Milton Waddams: But I, I said, I, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I, then I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.
Peter Gibbons: Okay, Milton.
Milton Waddams: No, it’s not okay because if they make me, if they, if they take my stapler then I’ll have to, I’ll set the building on fire…
Peter Gibbons: Okay, well that sounds, uh, that sounds great. Uh, I’ll talk to you later, all right. Bye.

[Peter tries to shut down his computer to leave early to avoid Lumbergh but he’s too late]
Bill Lumbergh: Hello Peter. What’s happening? Um, I’m going to need you to go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great. Mmmkay?
[he starts to walk away]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Uh, I’m also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too. Okay? We, uh, lost some people this week and, uh, we need to sort of catch up. Thanks.

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that’s messed up.

Peter Gibbons: Is there any way that you could, sort of just sock me out so that like I don’t know that I’m at work?
[pointing to his head]
Peter Gibbons: In here? Could I come home and think that I’ve been fishing all day or something?
Dr. Swanson: That’s really not what I do, Peter. However, the good news is, I think I can help you. I want you to do something for me, Peter. I want you to try and relax. I want you to relax every muscle in your body, beginning with your toes to your fingertips. Now I want you to relax your legs. You’re beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy as you slip deeper and deeper into a state of complete relaxation. All your cares and concerns are disappearing. Deeper and deeper, way down, your concern about your job melts away. Way, way down. Now when I count backwards from three, you’ll be in a state of complete relaxation. your worries, cares and ambitions will be gone. And you will remain in that state until I snap my fingers. Three. Deeper and deeper. Way, way down. Two. Deeper and deeper. Way down. On one…
[Swanson faints and fall out of the chair and everyone rushes to his aid, except for Peter]

[on the phone to Anne after sleeping in on the Saturday he’s supposed to be at work]
Anne: Peter, what’s going on?!
Peter Gibbons: Huh?
Anne: It’s three thirty. Why aren’t you at work?!
Peter Gibbons: Because I didn’t feel like it.
Anne: Peter, what’s gotten into you? First, you sit there while Dr. Swanson dies and you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my friends. And don’t blame this on hypnosis either. That’s total bull!
[Peter hangs up. Anne calls back and Peter lets the call go the answering machine]
Anne: Listen, Asshole. Nobody hangs up on me. We’re through! Oh, uh, and one more thing. I’ve been cheating on you!
[Peter gets back into bed]

Peter Gibbons: I was asking what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have
lunch with me?
Joanna: Are you serious?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Yeah, um, I don’t, uh, think I’m supposed to do that.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. Okay, well I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m going to go next door and get a
table and if you’d like to join me, uh, no big deal. All right? And if not, that’s cool too. Okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: All right.
[he starts to walk away]
Joanna: When you, uh, say “next door”, do you mean, uh, Chili’s or Flingers?
Peter Gibbons: Flingers.
Joanna: Okay.

[Bob Slydell and Bob Porter are interviewing Tom]
Bob Slydell: What you do at Initech, is you take the specifications from the customers and
you bring them down to the software engineers?
Tom Smykowski: Yes. Yes. That right.
Bob Porter: Well, then I just have to ask, why couldn’t the customers just take them
directly to the software people, huh?
Tom Smykowski: Well, I’ll tell you why. Uh, because engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
Bob Slydell: Uh-huh. So, you physically take the specs from the customer?
Tom Smykowski: Well, no, my, my secretary does that, or the fax.
Bob Slydell: Ah.
Bob Porter: So, then you must physically bring them to the software people.
Tom Smykowski: Well, no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
Bob Slydell: What would you say you do here?
Tom Smykowski: Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so
the engineers don’t have to. I have people skills. I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!

[Bob Slydell and Bob Porter are interviewing Michael]
Bob Slydell: Let’s see. You are Michael Bolton?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Bob Porter: Is that your real name?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Bob Porter: Are you any relation to the pop singer?
Michael Bolton: No. It’s just a coincidence.
Bob Slydell: I’ll be honest with you, I love his music. I do. I’m a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don’t know if it gets any better than when he sings “When a Man Loves a Woman”.
Bob Porter: But, you must really love his music.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. He’s, he’s, he’s pretty, he’s pretty good, I guess.
Bob Slydell: You’re god damn right he is.
[they laugh]
Bob Porter: So tell me. What’s your favorite song of his?
Michael Bolton: Hmm. I don’t, I don’t know. I mean, I guess, I sort of like them all.
[the Bobs laugh]
Bob Slydell: That’s why I feel the exact same way. But it must be twice as hard for you, being having the same name as him. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalogue. Anyway, let’s get down to business, Michael!
Michael Bolton: You know, you, you can just call me Mike.
[the Bobs stare at him]

[Peter is sitting at a table in Flingers when Joanna enters]
Joanna: Hi.
Peter Gibbons: Hey.
[referring to her work uniform]
Joanna: I wonder if I’m allowed to, uh, wear this in here.
Peter Gibbons: I think you’ll be okay. Would you like to sit down?
Joanna: Okay. Wow! This place is really nice.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, is it?
Joanna: Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie’s. I like the uniforms better anyway.
Peter Gibbons: I like yours.

Peter Gibbons: What’s a piece of flair?
Joanna: Oh, it’s, uh, it’s where you know like the suspenders and buttons are all sort of, we’re actually required to wear, um, fifteen pieces of flair. Quite stupid actually.
Peter Gibbons: Do you get to pick them yourself?
Joanna: Yeah. Yeah. We do. Although I didn’t actually choose these. I, um, I just sort of grabbed fifteen buttons and just, I don’t even know what they say! You know, I don’t really care. I don’t really like talking about my flair.
Peter Gibbons: Okay.

Joanna: So, where do you, uh, work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In, yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What’s that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh, it doesn’t really matter. I, uh, I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m going to go anymore.
Joanna: You’re just not going to go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won’t you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, but I really don’t like it, and, uh, I’m not going to go.

Joanna: So you’re going to quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh, I’m just going to stop going.
Joanna: Uh, when did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: About an hour ago. So you’re going to get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t think I’d like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and…
Peter Gibbons: You know, I’ve never really liked paying bills. I don’t think I’m going to do that, either.

Joanna: Uh, well, so what do you want to do?
Peter Gibbons: I want to take you out to dinner, and then I want to go back to my apartment and watch Kung Fu. Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
Joanna: I love Kung Fu.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight.
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Great.
Joanna: Okay. Can we order lunch first?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah
Joanna: Okay.

Bill Lumbergh: Hi, Milton. What’s happening? Um, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and move your desk again. So, if you could go ahead and get it to as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.
Milton Waddams: No, no, because I was, I was told…
Bill Lumbergh: That way, we’ll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put
in here.
Milton Waddams: No, no…
[Lumbergh sees the Swingline stapler on Milton’s desk]
Bill Lumbergh: And, uh, oh, there it is.
Milton Waddams: What?
Bill Lumbergh: Here, let me just go ahead and get that from ya. Great. So if you could just get to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Okay? Have a nice lunch, Milton. Bye.
[he walks off]
Milton Waddams: [to himself] Okay. I’ll set the building on fire.

[Peter enters the office late in his casual clothes]
Michael Bolton: What the hell’s going on, man? I thought you were going to come in here and start shooting.
Peter Gibbons: No. I just came to get my address book. I’m not going to stay. I’ve got a phone number, Mike, that I don’t want to lose.
Michael Bolton: What?! Peter, you’re in deep shit! You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Michael Bolton: Well, I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh.

Michael Bolton: You know, you’re supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants.
Peter Gibbons: With who?
Michael Bolton: The consultants. What has gotten into you?
Peter Gibbons: Oh yeah. Right!
Michael Bolton: Wait. Peter, Peter, postpone it man. Tell them you were sick. Make something up.
Peter Gibbons: Ah, no way. I feel great. It’s the best day of my life.

[after Peter walks into interview room where the Bobs are]
Bob Slydell: I’m Bob Slydell and this is my associate, Bob Porter.
Peter Gibbons: Oh hi, Bob. Bob.
Bob Slydell: Why don’t you go ahead and grab a seat and join us for a minute?
Bob Slydell: You see, what we’re actually trying to do here is, we’re just, we’re trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work. So, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. Uh, I use the side door, that way Lumbergh can’t see me. And, uh, after that I just sort of space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk but it looks like I’m working. I do that for, uh, probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Bob Slydell: Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport and indulge us and just tell us a little more?
Peter Gibbons: Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something about TPS reports.

Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.
Bob Porter: Don’t care?
Peter Gibbons: It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don’t see another dime, so where’s the motivation? And here’s something else, Bob. I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Bob Slydell: What if, and believe me this is a hypothetical, but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, I guess. Listen, I’m going to go. Uh, it’s been really nice talking to both of you guys.
[he shakes their hands]
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure’s all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great, wow!

Stan: We need to talk about your flair.
Joanna: Really? I have fifteen pieces on. I, uh…
[she shows him her flair buttons]
Stan: Well, okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Stan: Now, you know it’s up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or, uh, well, like Brian, for example, has thirty-seven pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile.
Joanna: Okay. So you want me to wear more?
Stan: Look. Joanna.
Joanna: Yeah.
Stan: People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie’s for the atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That’s what the flair’s about. It’s about fun.
Joanna: Yeah. Okay. So more then, yeah?
Stan: Look, we want you to express yourself, okay? Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then okay. But some people choose to wear more and we encourage that, okay? You do want to express yourself, don’t you?
Joanna: Yeah. Yeah.
Stan: Okay. Great. Great. That’s all I ask.
Joanna: Okay.
[she walks away]

[telling Lumbergh who’s going to be fired]
Bob Slydell: Right, so there’s three more people we can easily lose, and then there’s Tom Smykowski. He’s useless. Gone.
Dom Portwood: Sounds good to me.

Bob Slydell: Here’s a peculiar, uh, Milton Waddams
Dom Portwood: Who’s he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can’t actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it. But through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it’ll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.

Bob Slydell: I’d like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that’s just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
Bill Lumbergh: Ooh, yeah. Um, I’m going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah. Uh, he’s been real flaky lately and I’m just not sure that he’s the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He’s also been having some problems with his TPS reports.
Bob Porter: [to Bob] I’ll handle this.
Bob Porter: [to Lumbergh] We feel that the problem isn’t with Peter.
Bob Slydell: Uh-um.
Bob Porter: It’s that you haven’t challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
Bob Slydell: There it is.
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah. Uh, well I’m just not sure about that right now.
Bob Porter: Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here. How much time would you say you spend each week dealing with these TPS reports?
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah,

See more Office Job Quotes

[Peter in casual clothes is sitting at his cubicle with only one wall, munching chips and playing computer game]
Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what’s happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Uh. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?
Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I’m kind of busy. In fact, look, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: Uh, I wasn’t aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
[Peter walks away]
Bill Lumbergh: That sounds good, Peter. And, uh, we’ll go ahead and get this all
fixed up for you. Great.

Bill Lumbergh: Hi, Milton. What’s happening?
Milton Waddams: I, I, I, I, I didn’t receive my paycheck this week.
Bill Lumbergh: Um, you’re going to have to talk to Payroll about that.
Milton Waddams: I did and, and they said…
Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we’re going to need to go ahead and move you downstairs into Storage B.
Milton Waddams: No, I…
Bill Lumbergh: Uh, we have some new people coming in and we need all the space we can
get.
Milton Waddams: No, no, I was told, if, no, no, but there’s no space…
Bill Lumbergh: So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific. Okay?
[he walks away]
Milton Waddams: Uh, excuse me. I believe you have my stapler?

Bob Porter: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.
[they all start laughing]

Bob Slydell: I’m sure you’ve, you’ve heard some of the rumors circulating around the hallways about how we’re going to be doing a little ‘housecleaning’ with some of the software people.
Peter Gibbons: Well, Bob, I have heard that and you got to do what you got to do.
Bob Porter: We’re going to be getting rid of these people here. Uh, first, Mr. Samir Nagahe…
Bob Slydell: Naga…
Bob Porter: Naga… Not going to work here anymore, anyway!
[the Bobs laugh]

Bob Slydell: And Mr. Mike Bolton. Who’s going to miss him?
Peter Gibbons: You’re going to layoff Samir and Michael?
Bob Porter: Oh, yeah. We’re going to bring in some, uh, entry level graduates for us to work in Singapore, that’s the usual deal.
Bob Slydell: Well, it’s standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know about this yet?
Bob Slydell: No! No, of course not. We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there’s less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week. Anyway, Peter, what we would like to do is put you into a position to have as many as four people working right underneath you.
Bob Porter: This is a big promotion, Pete.
Bob Slydell: It’s huge.
Peter Gibbons: So you guys are going to fire Mike and Samir, and you’re going to give me more money?
[both Bob’s nod]
Peter Gibbons: Wow!

[after Peter’s just been told by the Bob’s that Michael and Samir are to be laid off]
Peter Gibbons: Michael, there comes a point in a man’s life and maybe that time for you is
now, when it doesn’t hurt to start think about the future.
Michael Bolton: Uh, no offense, there, Peter, but speak for yourself there, sport. I’m not the one who’s been flaking out at work. I know you had this religious experience or whatever the hell that was, but you better snap out of it and get your shit together or you’re going to get canned.

Peter Gibbons: Listen, that virus you’re always talking about. Like the one that could, uh, rip off the company for a bunch of money.
Michael Bolton: Yeah? What about it?
Peter Gibbons: Well, how does it work?
Michael Bolton: It’s pretty brilliant. What it does is every time there’s a bank transaction where interest is computed, you know, thousands a day, the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent, which it usually rounds off. What this does is it takes those remainders and puts it into an account.
Peter Gibbons: This sounds familiar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. They did it in Superman III.
Peter Gibbons: Right
Michael Bolton: Yeah. Not a great movie actually. And then there were a bunch of hackers that did this in the 70’s as well. One of them got busted.
Peter Gibbons: Well, so they check for this now?
Michael Bolton: No, here’s the thing. Initech’s so backed up with all the software we’re updating for the year 2000, they’d never notice.
Peter Gibbons: You’re right. And even if they wanted to, they couldn’t check all that code.
Michael Bolton: Thumbs up their asses. Thumbs up their asses.
Peter Gibbons: So, Michael, what’s to stop you from doing this?
Michael Bolton: It’s not worth the risk. I got a good job.
Peter Gibbons: What if you didn’t have a good job?

[after finding out that they are to be laid off]
Michael Bolton: Cockos! Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. And you, you haven’t been showing up and you get to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually, I’m being promoted.
Michael Bolton: What?!
Peter Gibbons: I know, Michael. It’s completely unfair. And I realized something today. It’s not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It’s about all of us together. I don’t know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don’t know, maybe it was just shock and it’s wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die, Michael, we don’t have a lot of time on this earth! We weren’t meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton’s music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael. For five years now, you’ve worked your ass
off at Initech, hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit sharing or something. Five years of your mid-twenties now, gone. And you’re going to go in tomorrow and they’re going to throw you out on the street. You know why? So that Bill Lumbergh’s stock will go up a quarter of a point.
Michael Bolton: [angrily] Ahh!
Peter Gibbons: Michael, let’s make that stock go down. And let’s take enough money out of that place so that we never, ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again. Your software works, right?
Michael Bolton: Of course it works. That’s not the point. Look, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how to install it. I don’t know the credit union software loan well enough, okay?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. But Samir does.

[after Peter’s told Samir about his plan of stealing from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of being pushed around. Aren’t you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I’m not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America! Come on, sit down. Come on! This isn’t Riyadh. You know they’re not going to saw your hands off here, all right? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Shit. I’m a free man and I haven’t had a conjugal visit in six months.

[trying to decide if he should go along with Peter’s plan of stealing from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: Samir, you came here looking for a land of opportunity. And this is the knock of that opportunity. Tomorrow’s your last day at Initech. You have two options; unemployment or early retirement. What’s it going to be?
Samir: I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: Okay, I’ll do it.
Peter Gibbons: That’s what I’m talking about! I’m talking about America!

[referring to their plan to steal from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: But listen, before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed.
[from the next apartment through the wall]
Lawrence: Don’t worry, man. I won’t tell anyone either.
Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?
Peter Gibbons: No, don’t worry about him. He’s cool. All right.

[Drew’s just told Peter, Samir and Michael the story of Tom getting laid off and his botched suicide attempt and getting hit by a drunk driver]
Peter Gibbons: Is he okay?
Drew: Sort of. He broke both his wrists, legs, a couple of ribs, his back. But check it out. He’s going to get a huge settlement out of this. Like seven figures. He’s getting out of the hospital tomorrow and he’s going to throw a big party this weekend to celebrate. We’re all invited. I’m thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O face. “Oh, Oh, Oh!” You know what I’m talking about. “Oh!” Yeah. Right. See you guys there.

Michael Bolton: Wow, our last day at Initech.
Samir: I can’t believe they had security escort us out. Not like we’re going to steal something.
Peter Gibbons: I stole something.
Michael Bolton: Oh, yeah. I guess we all did.
Peter Gibbons: No, I stole something else.
Samir: What did you steal?
Peter Gibbons: We’ll call it a going away present.
[cut to them in a field taking turns to bashing the printer from their office to pieces]

[leaving Peter’s apartment after they’ve been dancing and drinking]
Samir: [rapping] Back up in your ass with the resurrection…

[trying to explain their plan of stealing from Initech]
Peter Gibbons: All right, so when the sub routine compounds the interest, right, it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we just, we round them all down and just drop the remainder into an account that we opened.
Joanna: [confused] So you’re stealing?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, no. No, you don’t understand. Uh, it’s very complicated. It’s, uh, it’s aggregate, so I’m talking about fractions of a penny here. And, uh, over time they add up to a lot.
Joanna: Oh, okay. So you’re going to be making a lot of money, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Right. It’s not yours?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, well it becomes ours.
Joanna: How is that not stealing?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t, uh, I don’t think I’m explaining this very well.
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray?
Joanna: From the cripple children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that’s the jar. I’m talking about the tray. The, you know the pennies that are for everybody?
Joanna: Oh, for everybody.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Well those are whole pennies.
Joanna: Right.
Peter Gibbons: All right? I’m just talking about fractions of a penny here, okay? But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times. So, what’s wrong with that?

[after Peter’s explained about how he took money from Initech]
Joanna: I don’t know, it just seems wrong.
Peter Gibbons: It’s not wrong! Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation, all right? Chotchkie’s is wrong. Doesn’t it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I’m not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.
Joanna: What?!

[at Tom’s barbecue where Tom is in a full-body cast in a wheel chair due to his injuries]
Peter Gibbons: Uh, listen, I, I heard about your settlement. Congratulations.
Tom Smykowski: Well, thanks, Peter. You know, I’m glad you’re here because I wanted to talk to you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I used to be the same way.
Peter Gibbons: Really?
Tom Smykowski: Sure. Oh maybe I didn’t whine as much, but I bet I hated my job even more than you, and I’ve been doing it for over thirty years!
Peter Gibbons: Wow!
Tom Smykowski: Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.
[he starts to laugh]
Peter Gibbons: Thanks, Tom.

[talking to Samir and Michael at Tom’s barbecue]
Rob Newhouse: Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is, kick someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch. Then everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?
Michael Bolton: Oh no, we were just…
[nervously he drops his drink]

Drew: Hey, isn’t that the girl that works over at Chotchkie’s?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: Hmmm. Who’s she here with?
Peter Gibbons: She’s with me.
Drew: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let’s see, uh, hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Oh, let me see who else…
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh?!

[after confronting Joanna about sleeping with Lumbergh]
Joanna: Peter! What is wrong with you? That was like two years ago! What, did you know him?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know him. I know him! He’s my boss! He’s my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss!
Joanna: He’s not that disgusting.
Peter Gibbons: He represents all that is soulless and wrong! And you slept with him!
Joanna: Hey, that is none of your business, okay? I didn’t ask you who you slept with before we were together. I don’t care.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I didn’t think that you slept with guys like Lumbergh!
Joanna: Listen to you. Who do you think you are? How dare you judge me! I mean what are you? You think you’re some kind of, like, angel here? No, you’re just this penny-stealing, want to-be criminal, man!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh!

[as she’s about to get out of Peter’s car in the middle of the street]
Joanna: Why don’t you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that’s probably never going to happen, so just don’t call me, okay?
[just as Joanna is about to close car door]
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

[Peter’s nightmare where Lumbergh is naked, having sex holding a foot in one hand a cup of coffee in the other]
Bill Lumbergh: You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. That’s it. Great. Peter. What’s happening? Um, could you get me those TPS reports ASAP? Mmmkay?

Stan: We need to talk. Do you know what this is about?
Joanna: My, uh, flair?
Stan: Yeah. Or, uh, your lack of flair. Because, I’m counting and I only see fifteen pieces. Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
Joanna: Umm-hmm.
Stan: What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?
Joanna: Huh. What do I think? Um ,you know what, Stan, if you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair, like your, uh, pretty boy over there, Brian, why don’t you just make the minimum thirty-seven pieces of flair?
Stan: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Joanna: Yeah. You know what? Yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay? And I don’t need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it.
[she gives Stan the finger]
Joanna: All right? There’s my flair! Okay? And this is me expressing myself, okay? There it is! I hate this job! I hate this goddamn job and I don’t need it!
[she storms out]

[after they find out that $305,326.13 has been deposited into Peter’s account]
Samir: Shit, shit, shit, shit!
Peter Gibbons: Son of a bitch! Shit!
Samir: This is a, fuck!
Peter Gibbons: Son of a bitch!
Samir: I, shit!
Michael Bolton: What happened?
Peter Gibbons: You tell me, Michael, it’s your software!
Samir: Yes, it’s your software!
Peter Gibbons: You know corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice three hundred five thousand three hundred…
[grabs the receipt from Michael]
Peter Gibbons: …twenty six thirteen, Michael!
Samir: Oh shit!
Michael Bolton: They probably won’t know it’s gone for another three or four days.

Peter Gibbons: Michael! Michael! You said the thing was going to take two years! What happened? You said the thing was supposed to work.
Michael Bolton: Well, technically it did work.
Peter Gibbons: No it didn’t!
Samir: It did not work, Michael, okay?
Michael Bolton: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Samir: Okay?
Michael Bolton: Okay! I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something. Shit! I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
Peter Gibbons: Oh! What is this fairly mundane detail, Michael?
Michael Bolton: Okay, quit getting pissed at me, all right? This was all your idea, asshole!
Peter Gibbons: All right. Okay. All right. Let’s try not to get pissed off at each other, all right? Let’s just calm down. Let’s try to figure this thing out together. The first thing we got to do is we got to close that account down before it gets any bigger.

[employees are singing birthday for Bill in a flat monotone. He blows out the candles]
Bill Lumbergh: Looks terrific. Mmmm. Here Peggy, you want to get everybody started there.
[he gets a slice of cake]
Bill Lumbergh: Mmm. Oh, that is terrific. Just terrific. Thanks everybody, really. I really, really appreciate this. Very special.
[a slice is handed to Milton]
Nina: Now Milton, don’t be greedy. Let’s pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn’t receive a piece. And I was told…
Nina: Just pass.
Milton Waddams: Okay. But this, this, it, it, it’s a little cake. There’s not enough cake. The ratio of people to cake is too big.
[eventually Milton notices that everybody but him gets a piece of cake]
Milton Waddams: [muttering] I could set the building on fire.

Samir: Is there some way to just give the money back?
Peter Gibbons: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they’re missing? I, I think they’d figure that out.
Samir: Well, we have to do something.
Michael Bolton: Maybe we launder the money.
Peter Gibbons: That’s a great idea. Okay, how do we do that?
Michael Bolton: I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t even know what it means. I was hoping you knew. I think, I think coke dealers do it.
Peter Gibbons: Okay. All right. Do we know any coke dealers?
Michael Bolton: My, my cousin’s a coke head.
[he looks at Peter and Samir]
Michael Bolton: Fuck. We’re in deep shit!
Samir: Yes. We are in very, very deep shit.

[Lumbergh comes down to the basement to see Milton]
Bill Lumbergh: Milton.
Milton Waddams: Yes.
Bill Lumbergh: What’s happening?
Milton Waddams: I wanted to see you because…
Bill Lumbergh: Say, Milton, you know what would be great?
Milton Waddams: Wait. No.
Bill Lumbergh: Since you’re down here, it would be really great if you could just sort of take care of the cockroach problem we’ve been having in here.
Milton Waddams: No. That’s really not my job and I, I haven’t received my pay check…
Bill Lumbergh: So, for now, why don’t you go ahead and get yourself a flashlight and a can of pesticide and…
[Dom enters]
Dom Portwood: Bill! We need you upstairs right away. We got a big problem. Some major glitch in accounting. A lot of money missing.
[they go upstairs and Bill turns off the light leaving Milton in the dark]
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me? Okay, that’s the last straw.

[Michael is looking up “money laundering” in the dictionary]
Peter Gibbons: I can’t believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We’re looking up “money laundering” in a dictionary.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well. You guys can both eat my ass, okay.

Peter Gibbons: I can’t believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh, that’s what I can’t believe.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, you didn’t know that?
Samir: Yeah, you didn’t know that?
Michael Bolton: A couple of years ago, before he moved to Atlanta.
Peter Gibbons: You mean, Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy? The young guy?
Michael Bolton: Yeah, who’d you think I meant? Bill?
[Samir and Michael start to laugh]
Michael Bolton: If she fucked him, their children would have hooves!
Peter Gibbons: Ron’s not related to Bill, is he?

Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean.
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Steve: That is why I am selling magazine subscription.
Peter Gibbons: No. No…
Steve: And I was hoping you would help me out.
[just as Peter’s about to close the door]
Michael Bolton: Wait, wait, wait, wait! You used to be addicted to crack?

[Peter Michael and Samir are trying to find out about money laundering from the magazine subscription guy]
Steve: Look, I’m very sorry. I do not know anything about any money laundering.
Michael Bolton: No, no, no. We’re not asking you about money laundering. All we need is for you to hook us up with the right people.
Peter Gibbons: If he doesn’t know anybody who wants to hook us up, he doesn’t know anything.
Samir: No, no. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Look, uh, you just give us the name of one drug dealer. I mean I could talk to him. I have good networking skill. I…
Steve: I lied. Um, all that stuff I said about being a crack head. It just helps me sell magazines. I’m actually an unemployed software engineer.
Peter Gibbons: You’re a software engineer?
Steve: Yup.
Samir: Things, uh, it must be very rough for you.
Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscription, than I ever did at Initrode!

[after finding out the Steve used to work at Initrode]
Peter Gibbons: Wait a minute, you’re, you’re not going to tell anybody about all this stuff we told you? I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That’s…
Steve: Actually, um, that all depends.
[he holds up his clipboard]

[after he’s bought magazine subscriptions from Steve to keep him quite]
Peter Gibbons: What am I going to do with forty subscriptions to Vibe?

Michael Bolton: We never should have done this. What were we thinking? You know what I
can’t figure out? How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal, mafia guys can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
Samir: We’re new to it, though. If we had more experience…
Michael Bolton: No. You know what I think? I think we’re screwed. I think there’s enough evidence all over the building to link us to this. Even if we could launder money, I wouldn’t want to. What we’ve done is bad enough. We get caught laundering money, we’re not going to go to white-collar-resort-prison. No, no, no! We’re going to go to federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
Samir: I don’t want to go to any prison! Why the hell did I do this? I’ve never done anything wrong in my whole life! We weren’t thinking clearly because you told us we were losing our jobs! And now look at us now, we’re, we’re worried about going in to prison!
Peter Gibbons: Don’t worry about it. I’ll think of something.
Samir: Ssss! I’m going home.
Michael Bolton: Me too.
Samir: You are a very bad person, Peter.

[Peter knocks on his wall to get Lawrence’s attention]
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake?
Lawrence: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: You want to come over?
Lawrence: No thanks, man. I don’t want you fucking up my life, too!

[Peter’s dreaming that they’re in court, with Rob as their lawyer]
Judge: And in light of this sentence for these heinous crimes that you have committed against Initech. I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton and Samir Na…Ananajibad, to a term of no less than four years in a federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
[Samir begins to cry]
Judge: Peter Gibbons, you’ve lead a trite and meaningless life. And you’re a very bad person.
[the judge bangs the gavel and Peter wakes up]

[Peter’s waiting outside Flingers parking lot. Joanna comes out of Flingers]
Joanna: Hey.
Peter Gibbons: You’re not working at Chotchkie’s anymore, huh?
Joanna: No, no, I got fired.
Peter Gibbons: What happened?
Joanna: I flipped off my boss. Some customers, actually a line just happened to be standing there, so…
Peter Gibbons: I might be going away for a while. Uh, to jail. You were right about that computer scam. That was a bad idea. I’m going to take the blame for it, I decided. I’m on my way now to return the money and leave the confession under Lumbergh’s door. Joanna, I want to apologize. I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem. It wasn’t even the right Lumbergh. I don’t know why I can’t just go to work and be happy, like I’m supposed to, like everybody else.
Joanna: Peter, most people don’t like their jobs. But you go out there and find something that makes you happy.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Well, I may never be happy with my job. But I think that if I could be with you, that I could be happy with my life. I’ve been a real asshole. But if you could give it another shot, I promise, Joanna…
Joanna: Okay, shut up.
[she comes over and hugs him, they kiss]

[seeing Peter and Joanna kissing in the parking lot]
Brian: Wow! Hey, what’s going on here? Get a room you two!
[he gives them the finger, mocking Joanna’s action for getting fired]
Joanna: I hate that guy.

[talking to Lumbergh’s secretary]
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I,I still haven’t received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it and I don’t appreciate that…
Peggy: Um, well, why don’t you go back down and sit at your desk. Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh,
Peggy: Just go and sit at your desk.
Milton Waddams: But, but…
Peggy: Okay?
Milton Waddams: Okay, I, I, I’m going to set the building on fire. I tell him, if I don’t get my stapler…
[Peggy leaves her desk]
Milton Waddams: I’m just going to have to take my stapler back because it is my stapler.
[he goes into Lumbergh’s office]
Milton Waddams: It’s my stapler, the Swingline. It’s been mine for a very long time.

[Peter knocks on Lawrence’s door]
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you in there?
Lawrence: Hey, Peter, man.
Peter Gibbons: Hey. So, I might be going away for a while.
Lawrence: Yeah, I know, man. It’s a bummer, dude, what can I say?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Uh, well, time to go face the music. You take care of yourself if I don’t see you, all right?
[they shake hands]
Lawrence: You too, man. Take care of yourself, bud. All right.
[they shake hands. Peter starts to leave]
Lawrence: Hey, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: Watch out for the corn hole, bud.
Peter Gibbons: Okay, Lawrence.

[Peter and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech building. Peter notices Milton’s burnt Swingline stapler in Lawrence’s shovel]
Peter Gibbons: Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.
Lawrence: Who would want that stapler, man? That’s toasted, man.
Peter Gibbons: [smiling] I think I know someone who might want this.

[Samir and Michael are now working at Initrode, they visit Peter whilst he’s working]
Michael Bolton: Probably could get you a job there if you want.
Peter Gibbons: No, thanks. I, uh, I’m doing good here.
Michael Bolton: So, uh, we’re going to be okay, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
Samir: I wonder if the money burned up? This would be a shame.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah,
Samir: Are you sure you don’t want us to get you a job?
Peter Gibbons: That’s one thing I’m definitely sure of.

[whilst he’s clearing the burnt rubble of Initech building]
Peter Gibbons: This isn’t so bad, huh? Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside.
Lawrence: Fucking A!
Peter Gibbons: Fucking A!

[last lines; Milton is relaxing on a beach and a waiter comes up to him]
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you, please? I asked for a Mai Tai, and they brought me a Pina Colada, and I said no salt. No salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass…
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[under his breath as he walks away]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: I won’t be leaving a tip, because I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I’ll take my traveler’s checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put, I could put strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.

Total Quotes: 92

Office Space Quotes – ‘If I don’t get my stapler…’

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