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Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, Gal Gadot
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Netflix action comedy written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber. Set in the world of international crime, Red Notice (2021) follows FBI’s top profiler, John Hartley (Dwayne Johnson), who is tasked with capturing the most wanted art thieves in the world, Nolan Booth (Ryan Reynolds), and Sarah Black (Gal Gadot).
Our Favorite Quotes:'You can have excuses, or results. Not both.' - The Bishop (Red Notice) Click To Tweet
Inspector Urvashi Das: This is Special Agent John Hartley of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. He’s a consulting profiler who specializes in art crime.
Security Chief Ricci: You don’t look like a profiler.
John Hartley: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Director Gallo: The Bishop is nothing more than a boogeyman story in the art world. It’s a catch-all concept. It’s someone to blame when people like you and your friends in law enforcement are too incompetent to solve the case.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] Jesus, you scared me. I know you. You’re the slow bald guy that’s been chasing me.
John Hartley: Put your hands behind your back. You’re under arrest.
Nolan Booth: Okay. Well, hold on one sec. I just have two questions. Okay. First question. Where did you get that jacket? It’s a statement piece. Somewhere there is a very nude cow whispering, “Worth it.”
Nolan Booth: You’re putting me in bit of a pickle with this. Because without proper identification, how do I know who you are? For all I know, you could be the bad guy, and I could be the other bad guy.
John Hartley: You’re right. I am the bad guy. Now shut up and give me the bag, before I shoot you in the mouth.
Inspector Urvashi Das: Because you’re wanted in eighteen separate countries, I get to choose which one of them detains you until trial, given your escape history. What are you, six for six now?
Nolan Booth: Yeah. One more and I get a Shawshank jacket.
Inspector Urvashi Das: Keep making your jokes, because I’m about to send you to the worst place in the world.
Nolan Booth: Your Instagram account?
John Hartley: Maybe I don’t know you, but I’ve been building a profile on you, ever since you stole William Strang’s Lady with a Red Hat from the Tate back in 2014.
Nolan Booth: You can’t prove that was me.
[Hartley looks over to the painting hanging on the wall]
Nolan Booth: I got that on Etsy.
John Hartley: You like to work alone. You don’t like a team. The only jobs you take are the ones that make the big, splashy headlines. Which tells me that you only do it for the thrill and not the money.
Nolan Booth: Are you insane? I love the money.
John Hartley: It’s as though you want to get caught so you can escape, just to prove yourself all over again, and prove that you’re better than everybody else, and that you’re worthy.
Nolan Booth: Worthy of what? This speech?
John Hartley: Your father’s love.
John Hartley: Booth, I’m curious. How does it feel to be sold out by the most wanted art thief in the world?
Nolan Booth: I’m the most wanted art thief in the world.
John Hartley: You were.
Nolan Booth: [after Hartley’s locked up in prison] You a top or a bottom? Doesn’t matter. Prison’s going to decide for us.
John Hartley: You got to be s**tting me.
Nolan Booth: You can’t run a con without gaining the mark’s trust first, that’s page one.
John Hartley: I know how a confidence scheme works, trust me.
Nolan Booth: Well, you do now, that’s for sure. So the same mystery thief who ratted me out is the same one who framed you. That seems like a bit of a coincidence, don’t you think?
John Hartley: This is not a coincidence. This is a plan.
John Hartley: In one move, The Bishop took out her lead competitor and her lead investigator. Two birds, one stone.
Nolan Booth: Egg.
John Hartley: What?
Nolan Booth: Two birds, one egg. It’s kind of a lay-up. Even Post Malone gets it.
'It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what they think you've done.' - Nolan Booth (Red Notice) Click To Tweet
Nolan Booth: I mean, these people are horrible. But I like money, so.
Nolan Booth: Sotto Voce is super scary. But he’s not above having a good time. Throws a masquerade party every year for his top buyers in his I-probably-have-a-tiny-p**is villa
in Valencia. Gunrunners are a little touchy about their identity. So the Eyes Wide Shut thing takes the edge off for everyone.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] These guys here, if they find out you’re a C-O-P… This is a room full of convicted murderers and toilet vodka enthusiasts. We got to make sure they know you’re not a cop.
Nolan Booth: [to the prisoners] This is our good friend, Special Agent John Hartley. Let’s give him a warm welcome to the prison, guys.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] You should get up. You look like a little b**ch right now. I say that as a friend.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] God. All that working out. You still get your a** spanked by a toothless man with tuberculosis.
Nolan Booth: You’re the captain? You might benefit from a little career change. I mean, I don’t think runway, but definitely regional catalog work, fliers.
John Hartley: She’s The Bishop.
Nolan Booth: No s**t, dipd**k!
The Bishop: It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Booth. Such a thrill to be face-to-face with the second-best art thief in the world.
Nolan Booth: Oh, I see what you did there.
Nolan Booth: Yeah, you got lucky a couple of times early on, you know? But you can’t name one time in the past year that you beat me.
The Bishop: Helsinki.
Nolan Booth: My parachute failed.
The Bishop: Jakarta.
Nolan Booth: My Segway sank.
The Bishop: Macau.
Nolan Booth: Nobody knew that Miley Cyrus was going to be there. It was a completely unannounced show.
The Bishop: You can have excuses, or results. Not both.
'All that working out. You still get your a** spanked by a toothless man with tuberculosis. - Nolan Booth (Red Notice) Click To Tweet
The Bishop: A few clever keystrokes, and a well-timed call intercept. And poof. Bye-bye, Agent John Hartley. Hello, suspicious suspect. Funny, don’t you think?
The Bishop: Your cellmate here knows exactly where the third egg is.
Nolan Booth: She’s lying. I do not know where the third egg is. I swear to God.
Nolan Booth: [Bishop plays Booth’s recorded voice] “I know where the third egg is. I swear to God.” Yes, that is me. Scratch that. That was me. I did say that.
John Hartley: If we work together to catch her, I could do things to The Bishop you can’t do.
Nolan Booth: There’s no need to be disgusting.
John Hartley: [referring to the rock] Are you carrying your side?
Nolan Booth: I’m offended that you’d even ask me that.
John Hartley: Do something. It’s slipping.
Nolan Booth: Oh, relax, baldylocks.
Nolan Booth: Teamwork. Team. Team. Team. It feels weird in my mouth. It does.
Nolan Booth: Say what you will about Russian prisons, but the soap is incredible.
John Hartley: Are we doing this together or not?
Nolan Booth: No added chemicals or perfumes. It’s just pure good old fashioned glycerin.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] Why are you wearing the hairnet? You’re bald.
Nolan Booth: The one thing that doesn’t quite line up for me is how the son of a Swiss police captain turns to a life of high crime.
John Hartley: Short version? My father was a prolific a**hole.
Nolan Booth: You learn a valuable lesson, you know? It doesn’t matter what you do. It only matters what they think you’ve done. How about your old man?
John Hartley: I don’t talk about him.
Nolan Booth: That bad, huh?
John Hartley: Can you fly a helicopter?
Nolan Booth: Does the back of your head look like a huge p**is? The answer is yes!
John Hartley: You were going to leave me?
Nolan Booth: You said, “Save yourself.”
John Hartley: I said, “Go,” but I didn’t mean without me.
Nolan Booth: You said, “Go, save yourself.” And I was going to carry you with me in my heart like an eternal flame, you stupid complainer.
The Bishop: I want you to remember one critically important thing. I know everyone you work with, and every member of your family. And I also know your browser history.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] Here’s what I’m thinking. We dress up in matching black pajamas, and sneak past the featured extras and into the bedroom. Then, we slip through the study and get our hands on his precious.
Nolan Booth: They’re always watching, always listening. Kind of like Alexa, but with guns.
John Hartley: How are we going to get his voice and his facial?
Nolan Booth: Well, first off, a positive mental attitude helps. But so does some pretty kick-a** deepfake technology.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] If you have more than twelve images on the Internet, I can send your mom a video of you mouth-sexing a goat. I’m not saying I’m going to do that, I’m just saying I could if I wanted to. If I had enough time and enough pictures.
Nolan Booth: I’m not used to working with a partner.
John Hartley: We’re not partners. This is a marriage of convenience.
Nolan Booth: I want a divorce, and I’m keeping the kids.
Nolan Booth: [over earpiece] Don’t tell her anything.
John Hartley: [to Bishop] I’m not here for the egg. I’m here to clear my name, which means all I need is you.
Nolan Booth: Well, now you’re literally telling her everything.
John Hartley: We both know that this whole thing is going to end with you in handcuffs.
The Bishop: Promises. Promises.
Nolan Booth: How did you know Sotto Voce would cut in?
John Hartley: Well, Sotto Voce is a five foot five alpha male with textbook Napoleon complex. So any time another male dances with the most desirable woman at his party, well, he has no choice but to step in and assert his dominance.
Nolan Booth: You sneaky little minx. Where did you learn that? Profiler school?
John Hartley: High school.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] Oh, my God! You’re like a well-dressed wall.
John Hartley: We’re not friends.
Nolan Booth: We’re work wives.
John Hartley: We’re not work wives.
Nolan Booth: We’re sister wives.
John Hartley: We’re not any kind of wives!
Nolan Booth: You love me?
John Hartley: I hate you.
John Hartley: I’m a good guy. But sometimes I do bad things.
Nolan Booth: You don’t want to talk about what just happened?
John Hartley: What are you talking about?
Nolan Booth: Our moment. We just had a moment.
John Hartley: We didn’t have a moment.
Nolan Booth: No, we had a moment.
The Bishop: Looking for something specific, or just browsing?
Nolan Booth: You look awful.
The Bishop: You know, there was an easier way in, but I doubt very much that you could have managed it. Now that I have two out of the three eggs, I’ll give you one last chance to take me up on my offer.
John Hartley: Well, here’s my counteroffer. You’re under arrest.
Nolan Booth: Oh, my God. Read the room.
John Hartley: I told you, this would end with you in handcuffs.
Nolan Booth: You’re so embarrassing. He’s so embarrassing.
The Bishop: Tell you what, Agent Hartley. You want to arrest me? Come. Arrest me.
Nolan Booth: I just want the egg.
John Hartley: [as they’re fighting] Take it easy.
The Bishop: This is easy.
Nolan Booth: [as Bishop handcuffs them together] Oh, bro, I didn’t see the handcuffs coming. It was a nice touch. God, this is such a confusing erection.
John Hartley: You can’t ever tell anybody about this.
Nolan Booth: I’ll never tell anybody, I promise.
Nolan Booth: That’s called foreshadowing.
John Hartley: I know what it’s called.
Nolan Booth: I was making sure.
John Hartley: I know what it’s called.
Nolan Booth: You don’t look like an English major.
Sotto Voce: Sometimes the old ways are the best.
Nolan Booth: [referring to Bishop and Voce] Well, you shouldn’t have got us caught by her boyfriend.
John Hartley: Oh, how did I get us caught by her boyfriend?
Nolan Booth: Well, if you don’t know that, then you really are dumber than I look.
Sotto Voce: [referring to Bishop] This is your fault. She was mine.
Nolan Booth: Honey, honey, honey, homegirl is a hard ten. And you look like a muscular toddler. I don’t think it was going to work. The height difference, and…
Nolan Booth: Bulls have terrible eyesight. But they can sense motion.
John Hartley: You’re thinking of Jurassic Park.
Nolan Booth: No! I saw a nature documentary starring David Attenborough.
John Hartley: You’re thinking of Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park.
John Hartley: Where are we headed? Where’s the third egg?
Nolan Booth: Alright. Fine. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I can’t tell you.
John Hartley: What do you mean, you can’t tell me?
Nolan Booth: It’s not so much of a “can’t”, it’s more of like a “won’t”.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] Because even though you’re running around with me, playing the thief, you’re not a real bad guy, Bubba.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] Wow. We really got some dads, huh? It’s a miracle we’re not both strippers.
John Hartley: [to Booth] Look, your dad was a cop, so you became a crook. My dad was a crook, so I became a cop. We’re not that different. I’m not asking you to care about me, Booth. I’m asking you to help me. Help me catch The Bishop, and clear my name, and I will help you become the number one art thief in the world again. It’s the only chance I have to get my life back. Please.
John Hartley: Faith? I’m sorry, I just want to be clear. So we’re out in the middle of nowhere based on faith?
Nolan Booth: Or gut vibe if you’re not into the whole religious thing.
John Hartley: No. You know, the kind of thing I’m into is a good plan. A smart plan, the opposite of this.
John Hartley: Is that your father’s watch?
Nolan Booth: No. It’s the watch from Pulp Fiction. Yes, it’s my father’s watch.
Nolan Booth: Forget the egg, let’s just steal this stuff.
John Hartley: We’re not here to steal anything.
Nolan Booth: Actually we are. We’re here to steal the egg.
John Hartley: You know what I mean.
Nolan Booth: Oh, I steal it, it’s stealing. And you steal it, it’s what?
John Hartley: How about we just shut up? And by we, I mean you.
John Hartley: How are we going to find this egg?
Nolan Booth: I don’t know. Look for a box that says “MacGuffin”.
Nolan Booth: Why are you shooting at them? I thought you were on their side.
John Hartley: I am on their side. They shot at me first.
Nolan Booth: [to Hartley] You saved me. You love me. You love me like crazy.
The Bishop: If we stop, they’ll catch us.
Nolan Booth: Then let’s get caught! We can escape later. It works for me all the time.
John Hartley: Did you just choose me over the egg?
Nolan Booth: No.
John Hartley: Well, it kind of looks like you did.
Nolan Booth: I didn’t.
John Hartley: You went running in there to rescue me.
Nolan Booth: I left my phone in there. You only have a finite amount of time to save it. Stick it in a bag of rice, it’s a whole thing.
John Hartley: You thought I was dead.
Nolan Booth: I did not think you were dead. I wished you were dead.
John Hartley: I saw you splashing around. “Hartley! Hartley!”
Nolan Booth: Yes. Yes. Okay. I wanted to pull you out, save you, get your hopes up, and then pull you, shove you under.
Nolan Booth: [to Bishop] We won. Together. Friendship. Teamwork. It’s called the moral of the story. And, you know, something that I’ve been wanting to say for years to your face is, checkmate. Oh, that feels good.
Nolan Booth: [to Bishop] I don’t have to win in order for you to lose. That’s the best part of this whole thing. As long as I have the third egg, you can’t win. I don’t even care about the money anymore. I mean, honestly, look at your face right now. That face, right there. Yeah. Perfect. Resting failure face. I mean, in a word, priceless. Also, it just gets better. As an added bonus, my friend here, at no extra charge, is going to give you a lifetime supply of prison.
Nolan Booth: [after Hartley and Bishop kiss] What the f***?!
John Hartley: Look at him.
The Bishop: Resting failure face. Priceless.
Nolan Booth: This whole time you were working for her?
The Bishop: Not for, with.
John Hartley: Like partners.
The Bishop: Yeah, we’re both The Bishop.
John Hartley: [to Booth] There are two bishops in chess.
The Bishop: And a whole lot of pawns.
Nolan Booth: So it was all a lie? Even the sob story about your dad?
John Hartley: No. My dad was a con man, and I hated him. So I decided to become better than he ever was. Beat him at his own game. Booth, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re good. Really good. Better than most. We got nothing but respect for you. Better luck next time.
Nolan Booth: See, I always appreciate a quality double-cross. Serious question though, you guys have any sunblock? I have no base. This is a spray tan.
Ed Sheeran: [as he’s been arrested] Get off me. Do you know who I am? I was in Game of Thrones! I’m Ed Sheeran, b**ch!
Nolan Booth: This gouda is disappointing. Such a fancy yacht, you’d think they could stock some decent cheeses.
The Bishop: That’s not cheese. That’s uncooked pork.
Nolan Booth: I’ve heard tapeworms can be quite slimming.
Nolan Booth: Well, I’m big on forgiveness. I always have been. But I’m not so big on forgetness.
The Bishop: What are you talking about?
Nolan Booth: I’m talking about my twist ending.
John Hartley: Know what I think is funny, Booth?
Nolan Booth: Vin Diesel’s audition tape for Cats? It exists.
John Hartley: The fact that you think that the two of us would ever team up with you. Get off the boat.
Nolan Booth: Great. I’ll send you both a sharpened toothbrush.
The Bishop: Do you trust me?
John Hartley: Always.
The Bishop: Do you love me?
John Hartley: Big time.
The Bishop: That’s all we need.
John, Bishop: What are we stealing?
Nolan Booth: [points to his heart] This.
Nolan Booth: Ready?
John Hartley: What could possibly go wrong?
The Bishop: Everything.