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Starring: Kaitlyn Dever, Isabela Merced, Kyle Allen, Bradley Whitford, Minnie Driver, Spencer Stevenson, Sean Teale
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Hulu/Disney+ romantic comedy directed by Karen Maine. Rosaline (2022) is a comedic twist on Shakespeare’s classic love story “Romeo and Juliet”, told from the perspective of Juliet’s cousin, Rosaline (Kaitlyn Dever), a sharp but idealistic young woman, who just happens to be Romeo’s (Kyle Allen) recent love interest. Heartbroken when Romeo meets Juliet (Isabela Merced) and begins to pursue her, Rosaline schemes to foil the famous romance and win back her guy.
Our Favorite Quotes:'You know, centuries from now, when everyone's telling this story, you think you and I will even be mentioned?' - Rosaline, 'Honestly, I couldn't care less.' - Dario (Rosaline) Click To Tweet
Romeo: [after he kisses her] To gaze upon you is like drinking from the purest fountain. The fairest stars in heaven do entreat your eyes.
Rosaline: Oh, Romeo.
Romeo: Forswear it, sight! I never saw true beauty until this night.
Romeo: Yes, my love?
Rosaline: Why are you talking like that?
Romeo: Oh. I felt like it sounded romantic.
Romeo: Don’t you like it?
Rosaline: Yeah, actually, it’s kind of nice.
Romeo: They will be saying our names for centuries.
Rosaline: Oh, what will they say?
Romeo: They will say, “Never were two hearts more destined to entwine than those of the lovers…”
Rosaline: Yes. Yes.
Romeo: “Romeo and…”
Adrian Capulet: Rosaline?
Adrian Capulet: I thought I heard voices.
Rosaline: Oh. I was in the commode.
Adrian Capulet: Talking to yourself?
Rosaline: It helps.
Adrian Capulet: Huh. I have the opposite problem.
Rosaline: You’re a Montague. I’m a Capulet. Our families have been enemies for generations.
Romeo: Rosaline, we will make this work, I promise. One day, we will be together forever.
Rosaline: Romeo and Rosaline. Does have a nice ring to it.
Paris: You want to marry for love.
Rosaline: Is there any other reason?
Paris: Money, status, land, nicer living quarters. No. No other reason.
Rosaline: We get one life, Paris. I want mine to be different. I want romance, passion, adventure.
Paris: And this mystery boy, he gives you that?
Paris: I just wonder if all this sneaking around is adding to the attraction.
Tybalt: How about I welcome my fist to your face?
Romeo: I don’t know what that means.
Tybalt: It means I’m going to punch you!
Rosaline: [as the Montagues and Capulets are about to fight] Okay. Alright. Alright. You all have big swords. How about we put them back in our pants now, yeah?
Paris: [to Rosaline, referring to Romeo] Girl, that is one tasty Montague.
Romeo: [referring to spending their life together] I could write poetry all day.
Rosaline: Oh, you’ll be such a gifted poet.
Romeo: You could keep the house and watch the children.
Rosaline: Yes. Wait. What? Sorry. While you’re off writing verse, I’m home changing diapers?
Rosaline: [referring to Romeo declaring his love for her] I’ve been waiting for him to say those words. And then he finally does, and I just freeze, like an idiot. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Nurse.
Nurse Janet: There’s nothing wrong with you, chicken. They’re not easy words to say. You know, unless you mean them.
Rosaline: Of course I mean them.
Rosaline: [as Dario overhears her, referring to meeting him] I’d rather eat rotten goat innards! I’d rather bathe in the filth of ten thousand mules.
Adrian Capulet: Just give him a chance.
'They just met. They barely know each other. So what? That's not how love works. It isn't rational.' - Dario (Rosaline) Click To Tweet
Rosaline: How many times do I have to tell you, Father? I don’t want an arranged marriage. I want to travel the world, be free, have adventures, and with someone that I actually love.
Adrian Capulet: You’re a woman. You’re not supposed to talk about what you want.
Dario: So, how do you like living in Ver…
Rosaline: Let me stop you right there, soldier boy.
Dario: Soldier boy?
Rosaline: Now, granted, you are a big step up from the toothless octogenarians my father usually tries to pawn me off on, but the fact remains, I have literally no interest in you, or in this whole arranged marriage business.
Dario: If I was you, I’d take the deal.
Rosaline: Would you now?
Dario: Yeah. I have some land, some prospects. I have all my teeth. Could do a lot worse.
Rosaline: Well, you’re not really my type.
Dario: You’re not exactly my type either.
Rosaline: And what is your type, Suede City?
Dario: Oh, my type is not a shrew.
Rosaline: Blow me.
Rosaline: I’m afraid of the fish.
Dario: All of them?
Rosaline: Yeah. It’s a real thing. Ichthyophobia. Look it up.
Dario: All fish?
Rosaline: This has literally been the worst night of my life.
Dario: The feeling’s more than mutual.
Rosaline: Thanks for nothing.
Dario: Yeah, right there with you.
Rosaline: Actually, the pancetta wasn’t terrible. So thank you for that. But only for that.
Dario: Well, you’re welcome for that. But only for that.
Rosaline: Have a nice life!
Rosaline: [referring to Romeo] Do you think he’s tired of me?
Nurse Janet: I’m sure that’s not it.
Rosaline: Then why haven’t I heard from him?
Nurse Janet: Well, there is a lot of plague going around.
Rosaline: You think he has the plague?
Nurse Janet: He did look a bit boily. But it’s probably just hormones.
Romeo: The fairest stars in heaven do entreat your eyes.
Rosaline: [as she’s watching Romeo and Juliet on the balcony] The fairest stars.
Romeo: Forswear it, sight. I never saw true beauty until this night.
Rosaline: [sees Romeo and Juliet kissing] Son of a…
Rosaline: I can’t ride the horse.
Nurse Janet: Why not?
Rosaline: I have cholera.
Nurse Janet: You do not have cholera.
Rosaline: How do you know?
Nurse Janet: Because I am a registered nurse.
Rosaline: I’ll never love again.
Nurse Janet: I think you’re being rather dramatic, Rosaline.
Rosaline: Nurse, you don’t understand. They were kissing, and touching, and being all gross. And he was saying things to her that he just said to me three days ago. Three days.
Nurse Janet: Yes.
Rosaline: Three, Nurse.
Nurse Janet: Yes.
Rosaline: If you really hate the Montagues so much, you could just move. I hear Siena is very nice.
Lord Capulet: You let your daughter speak at the dinner table?
Rosaline: I’m sorry. I thought this was my house.
'There's just something about you that makes me do stupid things.' - Dario (Rosaline) Click To Tweet
Juliet: [to Rosaline] God, I can’t wait to be old like you.
Juliet: Can I tell you a secret? But you can’t tell anyone.
Rosaline: I’m listening.
Juliet: I’m in love. I met a boy. And he is just the most wonderful boy in the whole world.
Rosaline: I see. Where was it that you met this wonder boy?
Juliet: Oh, the other night at the masquerade ball. And already, I can’t imagine my life without him.
Juliet: He says things to me. Beautiful, romantic things. You’ve never heard such poetry.
Rosaline: Let me guess. He compares you to the moon and the sun. “The fairest stars in heaven do entreat your eyes.”
Juliet: How do you…
Rosaline: It’s Romeo Montague isn’t it? Yeah. Everybody knows Romeo Montague. I’m afraid you’re not the first young maiden he’s charmed with his high cheekbones and fancy words.
Juliet: I’m such a fool.
Rosaline: Yeah. You kind of are.
Rosaline: Juliet, you’re not even of marrying age. Why settle down with just one man when you can, you know, live a little, play the field, sample at the buffet of life?
Juliet: How do I do that?
Rosaline: Well, I could show you, if you want.
Juliet: You would do that for me?
Rosaline: What are cousins for?
Rosaline: [as she enters the tavern with Juliet] Now, who wants to buy us some drinks?
'Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is an open door. Love is all you need. Love is like knowing how to fly, how to breathe. When you're apart, you can feel it in your stomach. You can taste it.' - Dario (Rosaline) Click To Tweet
Rosaline: [as she’s trying to show Juliet how to flirt] No. That is just so funny, because I love sports.
Jouster: Oh really?
Rosaline: Yeah. Jousting, fencing, grappling.
Jouster: Oh, my God! I am a jouster!
Rosaline: What? No way.
Jouster: Please let me buy you another drink.
Rosaline: [referring to flirting] Okay. Now you try!
Juliet: I don’t know. These men are so…
Juliet: Stupid! Why on earth would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that?
Rosaline: Ew. Juliet, you’re not here to find someone to spend your life with. You’re here to just enjoy yourself at their expense, and then never see them ever again. Okay? Now, get out there and have some fun.
Dario: How are you, Rosaline?
Rosaline: Admiral S**t-for-Brains.
Dario: [to Rosaline, in French] For such a stunning woman, you really are a horse’s a**.
Rosaline: Romeo, are you alive? Have you run out of quill ink? Why do you not return my letters?
Juliet: I thought you were my friend.
Rosaline: I am your friend. I am.
Juliet: All this time, turns out you just wanted to steal my boyfriend away.
Rosaline: I was not trying to steal your boyfriend away. I was just trying to steal him back! There’s a difference.
Juliet: [to Rosaline] I see how it is. Sure. I mean, it all makes perfect sense, actually. I’m younger than you. I’m richer than you. I’m not afraid of fish. I don’t have huge man feet. You needed me out of the picture. Of course you did. After all, what chance does someone like you have when someone like me is around?
Lord Capulet: [after Rosaline’s plan of Paris asking for Juliet’s hand] And do you promise to care for her and protect her? And do you promise to guide her morally and keep her on a righteous path?
Paris: Oh, for sure.
Lord Capulet: And, when the time is right, to bring a whole host of strapping young men into your household?
Paris: Wait. What?
Lord Capulet: Sons, Paris.
Paris: Yes, absolutely. Sons.
Lord Capulet: [to Rosaline] Whatever wild ideas you’ve been filling my daughter’s head with, I need you to unfill it at once.
Rosaline: Well, if you must know, I’m going to stop a wedding. My boyfriend is about to make the biggest mistake of his life.
Dario: Hang on a second. Wait. It’s your boyfriend’s wedding?
Dario: [referring to Romeo and Juliet] They just met. They barely know each other. So what? That’s not how love works. It isn’t rational.
Rosaline: I knew you wouldn’t understand.
Dario: So what’s your plan when we get there?
Rosaline: We have to have a conversation. He needs to know how I feel.
Dario: Well, his wedding day seems like the perfect time for that.
Dario: Wait. This is Montague land?
Dario: You never told me your ex was a Montague.
Dario: Lucky throw.
Rosaline: Lucky knife.
Dario: [referring to Romeo] Then what do you love about him?
Rosaline: It’s not something that you can put into words, so.
Dario: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is an open door. Love is all you need. I mean, love is like knowing how to fly, or how to breathe. When you’re apart from her, you can feel it in your stomach. You can taste it. And when you’re together, it’s like, it’s impossible to believe for one single minute that anyone anywhere has ever had so much fun in the whole entire world. That’s what love is like, put into words. It’s not that hard.
Rosaline: Have you ever been in love?
Nurse Janet: I was, once.
Rosaline: And what did it feel like?
Nurse Janet: It’s a bit like having vertigo. Quite a lot like being drunk. But when it’s real, you won’t question it.
Lord Capulet: [after Romeo stabs Tybalt] You know what this means, Lord Montague?
Lord Montague: Yes, I do, Lord Capulet. It means war!
Lord Capulet: You bald-headed peasant!
Lord Montague: I’ll see you soon, calf guts!
Rosaline: [as Rosaline is asking for his help] Okay. Could you just at least put on a shirt, or something?
Rosaline: Because I’m trying to have a conversation here, and it’s distracting.
Rosaline: So I’ve made some mistakes. Okay, a lot of mistakes. I was wrong about Romeo. I was wrong about Juliet. I was even wrong about me in a lot of ways. But I know that I’m not wrong about this, Dario. We need to make this right.
Dario: There’s that “we” again.
Rosaline: Yes, we. Because another thing I was wrong about, is you.
Rosaline: You’re completely full of s**t.
Dario: Oh, yeah?
Rosaline: The whole, “Oh, I don’t care about other people. I don’t want to get involved” nonsense. It’s a big load of crap, Dario. You care about people. You’re a good person.
Dario: This is because I have a boat, isn’t it?
Juliet: I’m going to fake my own death.
Rosaline: Sorry. What?
Juliet: It’s simple. There’s this potion that causes total body paralysis for hours at a time. I’ll drink it, they’ll find me, it’ll look like I’m dead. Then they’ll prepare me for burial. Then, once they leave, I’ll wake up. Romeo will then come out of hiding.
Rosaline: [after Juliet’s told her of her fake death plan] Okay. Juliet, that is quite possibly the dumbest f***ing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Are you kidding me? There’s like fifty different ways that that could go wrong. I mean, what if the potion has side effects? What if they actually bury you? Have you thought of that? What if Romeo thinks you’re really dead?
Rosaline: Look, I know I’m not exactly the daughter you wish I was. But just this once, I need you to trust me, please.
Adrian Capulet: I honestly don’t know what to think. But you will always be the daughter I wish you were.
Rosaline: What now?
Romeo: [referring to Dario] He said you would know what to do because you’re a genius?
Rosaline: Okay, lay down as you were. Close your eyes. Quickly. Now you’re both dead. Star-crossed lovers that couldn’t live apart. That’s pretty good.
Rosaline: [after Romeo and Juliet’s fake death] For the love of God! Will you stop fighting? This is all your faults. You. And you. Every single one of you people. They’d still be alive if not for your baseless judgments and blind hatred and petty squabbling.
Lord Capulet: Adrian, control your daughter.
Adrian Capulet: Shut it, Mario. Let her speak.
Rosaline: He was a Montague. She was a Capulet. So what? That didn’t stop them from seeing the beauty in each other. That didn’t stop them from falling in love. You know what did stop them? You did. This stupid war. This selfishness. Shame on you! And shame on your houses!
Nurse Janet: [referring to Romeo and Juliet] Yes. They are definitely dead.
Adrian Capulet: How can you be sure?
Nurse Janet: How can I be sure? For the love of God, I am a registered bloody nurse!
Adrian Capulet: I thought that was just your name.
Nurse Janet: No. My name’s Janet.
Rosaline: Tell me the truth. You could be halfway to Venice by now. What made you come back?
Dario: I don’t know. There’s just something about you that makes me do stupid things.
Dario: Would you ever, you know, if I got another boat. Maybe want to…
Rosaline: [she kisses him] I’ll think about it.
Rosaline: You know, centuries from now, when everyone’s telling this story, you think you and I will even be mentioned?
Dario: Honestly, I couldn’t care less.
Rosaline: Me neither.
Romeo: [mid-credits lines, as they’re sailing off together] What would your favorite food be?
Juliet: I like pizza. Probably pizza. You don’t like pizza?
Romeo: I am lactose intolerant. I like veal.
Juliet: Baby cow?
Romeo: Is it?
Romeo: Just seven more hours to go. Then the rest of our lives.
Juliet: Right. Yes.