Copyright Notice: It’s easy to see when our selected quotes have been copied and pasted, as you’re also copying our format, mistakes, and movie scene descriptions. If you decide to copy from us please be kind and either link back, or refer back to our site. Please check out our copyright policies here. Thanks!
Starring: Owen Wilson, Walker Scobell, Jesse Williams, Michael Peña, Keith L. Williams, Momona Tamada
OUR RATING: ★★½
Paramount+ superhero action adventure directed and co-written by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. Secret Headquarters (2022) centers on Charlie (Walker Scobell) and his friends (Keith L. Williams and Momona Tamada) who discover the headquarters of the world’s most powerful superhero hidden beneath his home and begin to suspect his father (Owen Wilson) might be a superhero. When villains attack, they must team up to defend the headquarters.
Our Favorite Quotes:'Your ailments aren't what make you weak, they're actually what makes you strong.' - Charlie (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Jack: Is that a…
Irons: Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon.
Jack: UFO wasn’t working for you guys?
Charlie: [to himself as he’s drawing] You messed with the wrong superhero. Bad guy, you better say your prayers. Guard is going to kick your butt.
Berger: My parents are so embarrassing.
Charlie: At least your dad shows up. Mine’s at a never-ending IT conference.
Lizzie: Well, what are your interests?
Maya: Lock picking. Norwegian Death Metal. And I can field-strip an M4 blindfolded.
Charlie: You ever think about how you call him Berger, but that’s your last name too?
Big Mac: That’s why I go as Big Mac, because I’m the tastiest Berger.
Robbie Fernandez: [referring to Forrest] I heard he bullies his own parents.
Classroom Child: I heard that his stare is so deadly, he can’t even look himself in the mirror.
Forrest Deal: Didn’t know this was the Peewee Leagues.
Charlie: Didn’t know they allowed steroids in middle school.
Lily: There are some things that are more important than work, Jack.
'Well, what are your interests?' - Lizzie 'Lock picking. Norwegian Death Metal. And I can field-strip an M4 blindfolded.' - Maya (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Charlie: I like what you’ve not done with the place.
Jack: I’m going for that kind of single-dad short-term rental feel.
Jack: [referring to his phone call] Hey. Sorry that took so long.
Charlie: Let me guess. Something at work.
Jack: Yeah. That was my boss. I guess there’s an emergency, so I’m going to have to…
Charlie: There’s always an emergency!
Jack: I got to go. You have to believe me when I say it’s important.
Charlie: Yeah, I know. More important than me.
Jack: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Jack: We’re going to sit down, and I’m going to explain things in a way that I hope that you’re going to understand what’s been happening.
Charlie: Oh, I understand fine. You’re just a crappy dad.
Charlie: [over phone] You still there?
Berger: I love it when you call me “Mom”. Now, let’s throw a rager.
Charlie: Yeah, let’s throw a rager. Wait. What is a rager?
Maya: [to Charlie] Berger said I could borrow your notes for that stupid test tomorrow.
Lizzie: Also, he said your dad abandoned you, and you’re listening to Anne Murray alone.
Charlie: Dude, what the hell?
Berger: Chicks dig sob stories.
Charlie: [referring to Maya and Lizzie] Why did you bring them here at all?
Berger: I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted to have a one-on-one rager.
Berger: Take a deep breath in. And now breathe into your hands, and tell me how your breath smells.
Charlie: It’s good.
Berger: Okay. Now, use some of that sweet, sweet breath, and ask Maya to the dance.
Charlie: I always find birthdays disappointing.
Maya: Birthdays with divorced parents suck.
Charlie: Tell me about it. My dad is the king of thoughtless airport gifts. Do you know how many butt pillows I have at home?
Maya: I think those are neck pillows.
'You remind me of a fart.' - Argon (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Lizzie: [referring to Jack] There’s only two forks? What is this guy, a serial killer?
Berger: [as they’re going down the elevator fast] My guts are floating!
Berger: [as they find the secret headquarters] This is so tight.
Lizzie: This is beyond tight.
Maya: This is the tightest.
Charlie: These are all The Guard’s missions. We’re in The Guard’s secret headquarters.
Maya: Which is under your dad’s house.
Berger: Do you realize what this means?
Charlie: It means my dad works for The Guard.
Maya: Dude. It means your dad is The Guard.
Charlie: My dad is not The Guard. The Guard is like the greatest hero ever. My dad can’t handle hot wings. I’ve seen him without his shirt on. He can barely swim. My dad is not The Guard.
Maya: Somebody’s in denial.
Lizzie: Hey, guys. Does The Guard wear a fanny pack?
Irons: My own government tried to destroy me for asking questions. Why do you think that is?
Argon: Listen, I love that story. The uniform, the woods, the bad man who stole the orb, how you got your little boo-boo. I get it. Tell it to someone else.
'Being a hero's about more than wearing a suit.' - Jack (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Maya: Some kind of 3D printer from space.
Lizzie: Ooh, tell it to print a fake ID.
Berger: Can it print Britney Spears?
Lizzie: Hasn’t she been through enough?
Lizzie: Where’s his head?
Berger: It’s DJ Berger, the headless assassin coming at you live!
Berger: [as they see the G-mobile] This is sick.
Lizzie: You still think your dad’s The Guard’s butler?
Berger: I just wanted you to know that I’ve been picking up on your signal. And…
Berger: Yes. I would love to go to the dance with you.
Lizzie: Aw. Thank you for the completely random, and utterly last-minute offer, Berger. Truly. But, I already have a date.
Lizzie: An older guy, more my speed. You’re a little young for me.
Berger: But we’re the same age.
'I'm really, really warm. I got swamp butt. You know what that means? That means the sweat from my back's going to my butt. And it's not a good feeling.' - Argon (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Hawaii: We got a strong flash signal. Like single-mom strong.
Lizzie: I can’t get arrested! I need to go to medical school!
Maya: Nice driving, Kincaid!
Charlie: Yeah, I play Mario Kart at a very high level!
Maya: It must be weird, huh? Knowing your dad has like a sci-fi man cave.
Charlie: Yeah, it is weird. Thanks for asking. It’s like we don’t even know each other. I thought he worked at a Genius Bar. And he thought I was a righty.
Irons: Everyone on alert here, okay?
Hawaii: Yeah, careful, this could be Freddy Krueger’s house.
Charlie: What are we going to do?
Berger: I have an idea. We hide until Charlie’s dad gets back and saves us. How long is he gone for again?
Charlie: He said he could be a couple of days.
Berger: A couple, as in two, or a couple as in ten minutes? Because the human body can survive three days without water.
Charlie: A couple literally means two.
Hawaii: I set up blockers around the house.
Argon: Did you block every frequency?
Hawaii: Does Sponge Bob live in a pineapple?
Hawaii: I don’t kill kids.
Argon: No. Totally, totally, totally. But what about adults? Adults are fine, right?
Hawaii: Adults are fine. I kill adults all the time.
Argon: [as Jersey shoots Hawaii] Yeah, exactly. One less adult.
Lizzie: I’m Lizzie McGonagle. Elizabeth. And I’m fourteen years-old. And I look really mature, but I’m just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I’m too pretty to die, okay? I’m way too pretty to die, and I don’t know why you guys want to kill me. Because I’m so pretty, and I have so much more of life to live right now. You guys don’t have as much life to live as I do, and I really just don’t want you guys to kill me. Please don’t kill me.
Irons: There’s someone down here. It could be security, militia.
Irons: I mean, whoever it is, they’re highly evasive.
Argon: Romeo and Juliet over here are the teenage militia?
Berger: Defend ourselves? How do you expect us to do that?
Maya: I have an idea. Have you guys heard of guerilla warfare?
Berger: Xbox or PS5?
Maya: No, actual guerilla warfare.
Big Mac: Berger. Hey, hey, man. Look, if I die, I’m going to kill you.
Charlie: We have a plan. We can fight back.
Berger: Come on, Charlie, you’re not exactly the action hero type.
Charlie: What am I then, since you seem to know?
Berger: You’re a scaredy-cat. And you know what? Scaredy-cat is good. But this is not the time to play hero-cat, okay? Stick to scaredy-cat.
Charlie: This coming from a guy who’s scared to leave the house without a backup inhaler? With all the asthma, the celiacs, the tubs of Flonase?
Berger: We’re risking our lives for that rock so you can prove to your dad how brave you are. But guess what? He doesn’t care. He cares more about his job than he cares about his own son.
Maya: This isn’t the time for airing of grievances! Now let’s work together.
Berger: [to Charlie] No way. I’d rather go Han Solo than be teamed up with you.
Berger: Who’s the hero-cat now, buttmunchers?
Charlie: [to Berger] Sorry about what I said back there. Your ailments aren’t what make you weak, they’re actually what makes you strong.
Maya: I say we torture him to get info.
Argon: And how do you plan on torturing me? Are you going to tickle torture me? Like what are you going to do?
Argon: [as Berger uses the gadget to electrocute him] Dude, that was too long!
Charlie: Does that feel like tickle torture?
Argon: That thing is highly advanced technology. It’s like otherworldly technology.
Charlie: “Otherworldly” as in aliens?
Argon: Yeah. That’s what “otherworldly” means, it’s not from this world.
Argon: I want to use it so I can solve the world’s problems.
Charlie: So why not tell that to my dad, huh?
Argon: You know how many times I’ve been on TV asking for his help? And you know what? I got ghosted.
Charlie: I’m familiar with the feeling.
Argon: Who’s the bad guy here?
Berger: You are.
Berger: Really, Lizzie? This is the older guy? My brother? How could you?
Lizzie: Oh, I have no autonomy in my own decisions?
Berger: You know what? You both betrayed me.
Big Mac: Betrayed? I didn’t know you liked her.
Argon: Playtime’s over, kids!
Charlie: We’re not kids!
Maya: We’re young adults.
Berger: And playtime has just begun.
Berger: Nobody touches the ‘fro.
Berger: You shot at a kid!
Jersey: Young adult.
Argon: I never doubted you for a second, not one second.
Irons: That’s why you tried to fire me yesterday, right?
Argon: Who the heck are you?
Jack: Woh. Woh. Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot. I’m just the IT guy. I was alerted to a security breach. I didn’t know it was Zero Dark Thirty in here.
Argon: Are you The Guard?
Jack: No. I’m definitely not The Guard. I just work for him. I’m more of a Luigi than a Mario. But you need firmware, or cyber security, and I’m your Huckleberry.
Virginia: What’s in the fanny pack?
Argon: Can anybody say front butt?
Charlie: You could a chosen anything, and you chose a fanny pack?
Jack: It’s practical.
Lizzie: Mr. Kincaid, sorry to interrupt, and I actually think fanny packs are having a moment right now.
Jack: Thank you.
Argon: You think that it only works for you? You’re not special. You’re not the chosen one. The truth is, you’re the recipient of dumb luck.
Jack: Yeah, you got the suit. But you don’t have the swagger.
Argon: You don’t think I got swagger?
Jack: I can’t believe you took the Source to school.
Charlie: No time for parenting, Dad!
Jack: What are you doing?
Irons: Need to cauterize this wound.
Jack: For a second there, I thought you were going to kill me.
Irons: Yeah, I still might.
Irons: I don’t see why you assume you’re the only one worthy of protecting it though.
Jack: Want to know what my last ten years have been? Marriage, over. Kid, hates me. But I didn’t have a choice.
Irons: You did. You chose to keep it for yourself.
Maya: Boys pick the weirdest times to be vulnerable.
Charlie: Sorry about your man cave, Dad.
Jack: Yeah. Adios. Ten years down the drain.
Jack: If you want to know anything, go ahead, ask me. I’ll tell you the truth.
Lizzie: Why does this thing not have cup holders?
Big Mac: Have you ever been to space?
Maya: Where do superheroes pee? Like, in the suit?
Jack: How am I supposed to say to my son, “Oh, by the way, some alien power source chose me to be the guardian of the planet”? Right? I mean, would your parents tell you that?
Big Mac: No.
Jack: No, because it makes you sound crazy, right?
Big Mac: Yes.
Charlie: I’m The Guard’s number one fan, dude! I even defended you on Reddit.
Jack: That was you?
Charlie: That was me.
Robbie Fernandez: Sick costume, bro.
Argon: You remind me of a fart.
Jack: You want to dance?
Argon: Oh, Daddy wants to dance!
Jack: Let’s dance.
Jack: Why don’t you take it off? Let’s fight mano-a-mano.
Argon: What, are you stupid? I’d rather fight like a superhero.
Jack: Being a hero’s about more than wearing a suit.
Argon: No. It’s all about the suit.
Argon: Bet you didn’t know how to finger blast!
Jack: I invented finger blasting.
Argon: [as he moon walks in the suit] You want to dance with the King of Pop? I can dance!
Argon: [as they’re fighting in their suits] These things are warm.
Argon: So hot. They’re so hot.
Jack: You got the winter suit.
Argon: [to Jack] My ear! Not my ear. You hit me right in the lobe!
Jack: You just broke my kid’s trophy.
Argon: What? That’s not a real trophy.
Jack: Steal the suit, blow up my man cave, but don’t ever insult my son.
Argon: You’re right. You’re right. I went too far.
Charlie: Did Maya see that throw?
Jack: Are you kidding me? How could she miss it? It’s one of the greatest throws ever! My son’s a hero.
Jack: [as he’s embracing Charlie] I’m so sorry I wasted all that time. The truth is I did have a choice. And I made the wrong one.
Charlie: You’re suffocating me.
Charlie: Wait, you knew? And you didn’t tell me?
Lily: We wanted to wait till you were older, Charlie.
Charlie: No, that Dad wears a fanny pack?
Jack: He’s been hammering this fanny pack.
Lily: Actually, the fanny pack was my design.
Charlie: I know that, technically, you have a date already, but since Robbie Fernandez ran away like a whiny little baby, I was wondering, do you want to dance?
Maya: Okay, Kincaid. I’ll try not to breathe on you.
Lizzie: Remember our first kiss?
Big Mac: No.
Lizzie: It’s because we haven’t kissed yet. Not until we’re married.
Argon: [mid-credits lines, trapped in another dimension] Hello? What is this place? Anybody? I’m really, really warm. I got swamp butt. You know what that means? That means the sweat from my back’s going to my butt. And it’s not a good feeling. Oh, this sucks. I’m sorry I tried to take over the world. I just need a little help.
Argon: [post-credits lines] Guys, I can hear you. Sounds like you guys are leaving! Guys, don’t leave! I really need to use the restroom, guys! I’ve been needing to for a long time! Help me out! Come on, guys.