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Starring: Owen Wilson, Walker Scobell, Jesse Williams, Michael Peña, Keith L. Williams, Momona Tamada
OUR RATING: ★★½
Paramount+ superhero action adventure directed and co-written by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. Secret Headquarters (2022) centers on Charlie (Walker Scobell) and his friends (Keith L. Williams and Momona Tamada) who discover the headquarters of the world’s most powerful superhero hidden beneath his home and begin to suspect his father (Owen Wilson) might be a superhero. When villains attack, they must team up to defend the headquarters.
Our Favorite Quotes:'Your ailments aren't what make you weak, they're actually what makes you strong.' - Charlie (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Jack: Is that a…
Irons: Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon.
Jack: UFO wasn’t working for you guys?
Charlie: [to himself as he’s drawing] You messed with the wrong superhero. Bad guy, you better say your prayers. Guard is going to kick your butt.
Berger: My parents are so embarrassing.
Charlie: At least your dad shows up. Mine’s at a never-ending IT conference.
Lizzie: Well, what are your interests?
Maya: Lock picking. Norwegian Death Metal. And I can field-strip an M4 blindfolded.
Charlie: You ever think about how you call him Berger, but that’s your last name too?
Big Mac: That’s why I go as Big Mac, because I’m the tastiest Berger.
Robbie Fernandez: [referring to Forrest] I heard he bullies his own parents.
Classroom Child: I heard that his stare is so deadly, he can’t even look himself in the mirror.
Forrest Deal: Didn’t know this was the Peewee Leagues.
Charlie: Didn’t know they allowed steroids in middle school.
Lily: There are some things that are more important than work, Jack.
'Well, what are your interests?' - Lizzie 'Lock picking. Norwegian Death Metal. And I can field-strip an M4 blindfolded.' - Maya (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Charlie: I like what you’ve not done with the place.
Jack: I’m going for that kind of single-dad short-term rental feel.
Jack: [referring to his phone call] Hey. Sorry that took so long.
Charlie: Let me guess. Something at work.
Jack: Yeah. That was my boss. I guess there’s an emergency, so I’m going to have to…
Charlie: There’s always an emergency!
Jack: I got to go. You have to believe me when I say it’s important.
Charlie: Yeah, I know. More important than me.
Jack: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Jack: We’re going to sit down, and I’m going to explain things in a way that I hope that you’re going to understand what’s been happening.
Charlie: Oh, I understand fine. You’re just a crappy dad.
Charlie: [over phone] You still there?
Berger: I love it when you call me “Mom”. Now, let’s throw a rager.
Charlie: Yeah, let’s throw a rager. Wait. What is a rager?
Maya: [to Charlie] Berger said I could borrow your notes for that stupid test tomorrow.
Lizzie: Also, he said your dad abandoned you, and you’re listening to Anne Murray alone.
Charlie: Dude, what the hell?
Berger: Chicks dig sob stories.
Charlie: [referring to Maya and Lizzie] Why did you bring them here at all?
Berger: I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted to have a one-on-one rager.
Berger: Take a deep breath in. And now breathe into your hands, and tell me how your breath smells.
Charlie: It’s good.
Berger: Okay. Now, use some of that sweet, sweet breath, and ask Maya to the dance.
Charlie: I always find birthdays disappointing.
Maya: Birthdays with divorced parents suck.
Charlie: Tell me about it. My dad is the king of thoughtless airport gifts. Do you know how many butt pillows I have at home?
Maya: I think those are neck pillows.
'You remind me of a fart.' - Argon (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Lizzie: [referring to Jack] There’s only two forks? What is this guy, a serial killer?
Berger: [as they’re going down the elevator fast] My guts are floating!
Berger: [as they find the secret headquarters] This is so tight.
Lizzie: This is beyond tight.
Maya: This is the tightest.
Charlie: These are all The Guard’s missions. We’re in The Guard’s secret headquarters.
Maya: Which is under your dad’s house.
Berger: Do you realize what this means?
Charlie: It means my dad works for The Guard.
Maya: Dude. It means your dad is The Guard.
Charlie: My dad is not The Guard. The Guard is like the greatest hero ever. My dad can’t handle hot wings. I’ve seen him without his shirt on. He can barely swim. My dad is not The Guard.
Maya: Somebody’s in denial.
Lizzie: Hey, guys. Does The Guard wear a fanny pack?
Irons: My own government tried to destroy me for asking questions. Why do you think that is?
Argon: Listen, I love that story. The uniform, the woods, the bad man who stole the orb, how you got your little boo-boo. I get it. Tell it to someone else.
'Being a hero's about more than wearing a suit.' - Jack (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Maya: Some kind of 3D printer from space.
Lizzie: Ooh, tell it to print a fake ID.
Berger: Can it print Britney Spears?
Lizzie: Hasn’t she been through enough?
Lizzie: Where’s his head?
Berger: It’s DJ Berger, the headless assassin coming at you live!
Berger: [as they see the G-mobile] This is sick.
Lizzie: You still think your dad’s The Guard’s butler?
Berger: I just wanted you to know that I’ve been picking up on your signal. And…
Berger: Yes. I would love to go to the dance with you.
Lizzie: Aw. Thank you for the completely random, and utterly last-minute offer, Berger. Truly. But, I already have a date.
Lizzie: An older guy, more my speed. You’re a little young for me.
Berger: But we’re the same age.
'I'm really, really warm. I got swamp butt. You know what that means? That means the sweat from my back's going to my butt. And it's not a good feeling.' - Argon (Secret Headquarters) Click To Tweet
Hawaii: We got a strong flash signal. Like single-mom strong.
Lizzie: I can’t get arrested! I need to go to medical school!
Maya: Nice driving, Kincaid!
Charlie: Yeah, I play Mario Kart at a very high level!
Maya: It must be weird, huh? Knowing your dad has like a sci-fi man cave.
Charlie: Yeah, it is weird. Thanks for asking. It’s like we don’t even know each other. I thought he worked at a Genius Bar. And he thought I was a righty.
Irons: Everyone on alert here, okay?
Hawaii: Yeah, careful, this could be Freddy Krueger’s house.
Charlie: What are we going to do?
Berger: I have an idea. We hide until Charlie’s dad gets back and saves us. How long is he gone for again?
Charlie: He said he could be a couple of days.
Berger: A couple, as in two, or a couple as in ten minutes? Because the human body can survive three days without water.
Charlie: A couple literally means two.
Hawaii: I set up blockers around the house.
Argon: Did you block every frequency?
Hawaii: Does Sponge Bob live in a pineapple?