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Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Josh Duhamel, Jennifer Coolidge, Lenny Kravitz, Sonia Braga, Cheech Marin, D’Arcy Carden, Selena Tan, Desmin Borges, Alex Mallari Jr., Callie Hernandez
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Amazon Prime romantic comedy directed by Jason Moor. Shotgun Wedding (2023) centers on Darcy (Jennifer Lopez) and Tom (Josh Duhamel), who gather their lovable but very opinionated families for the ultimate destination wedding, just as the couple begin to get cold feet. But suddenly everyone’s lives are in danger when the entire party is taken hostage. The couple must then work together to save their loved ones, if they don’t end up killing each other first. In the process, they rediscover why they fell in love in the first place.
Renata Ortiz: Where is the groomzilla?
Darcy Rivera: Tom is not a groomzilla, okay? He just committed to making every detail perfect.
Carol Fowler: I’ve been looking forward to this moment ever since baby Tommy was cut out of my abdomen.
Carol Fowler: I have never been on a private island before. I’ve never been even on an island before. Actually, you know what? That’s not true. I went with the Heibermans. We went to Mackinac, you know, before they moved to Bloomington. Have you ever been to Mackinac, Renata?
Renata Ortiz: I don’t know what that is, or most of the words you just said.
Renata Ortiz: You got my daughter rusty knives?
Carol Fowler: It’s your something borrowed. Everyone in our family uses them on their wedding day. Brings you a lifetime of good luck. Except for Uncle Greg, who ended up getting decapitated on that forklift. But that’s not the knife’s fault.
Carol Fowler: When I’m in formal wear, I like to pee standing up. How about you?
Darcy Rivera: Some things are more important than money, Dad.
Robert Rivera: Yeah. That’s debatable.
Tom Fowler: What did I miss?
Darcy Rivera: Oh, well, your mom gave me cursed knives. And then my mom almost yelled at my dad’s girlfriend for smiling. Oh, also, your cousin, Amy, asked where she could charge her vibrator.
Tom Fowler: Oh, so, Cousin Amy came?
Darcy Rivera: She will soon.
Jamie Rivera: [to Darcy, referring to Sean] Dad invited your ex? God! How does he just keep getting hotter? Looks like he’s leading a porn safari.
Tom Fowler: [referring to Sean] Oops. Looks like he was in a rush and forgot to button his shirt all the way up.
'I'm a mother. I can be upset about a lot of things at the same time.' - Carol Fowler (Shotgun Wedding) Click To Tweet
Darcy Rivera: We are so very touched that you all made the trek out here. You know, we really wanted to pick a place that was convenient for none of you.
Tom Fowler: Darcy talked a lot about her time in the Peace Corps in Bali, and I thought, you know, how cool would it be if we got married there. And then, I realized that Bali was un-Bali-vably expensive.
Darcy Rivera: So, in conclusion, I just want to say one thing to you, Deedee. Katuk kak ci.
Tom Fowler: What’s Katuk kak what?
Darcy Rivera: Oh, God. It’s hard to explain. It actually means, “F*** your grandpa.”
Tom Fowler: Well, that’s not that hard to explain.
Darcy Rivera: Yeah, well, I don’t know. Just, in Balinese, it’s super offensive.
Tom Fowler: Yeah, well, it’s offensive everywhere, no?
Carol Fowler: Hello. It’s your future mother-in-law, Carol.
Darcy Rivera: Yep. I know your name, Carol.
Carol Fowler: [referring to Darcy] Tommy, she’s not wearing any pants. I just want to ask, and I hope it’s okay. Is that genetics, or is it like Pilates?
Tom Fowler: Mom, now is not the time.
'Your group chat is out of control.' - Tom Fowler, 'I will not apologize for having enthusiastic friends.' - Darcy Rivera (Shotgun Wedding) Click To Tweet
Carol Fowler: We need to get you out of here. It’s the night before your wedding, and you can’t spend the night together.
Tom Fowler: No, Ma, It’s just…
Carol Fowler: You can’t. It’s bad luck. You know, his cousin, Jenna, she spent the night with her husband. Lo and behold, she got Lyme disease, and now she can’t wear sandals. It’s a tradition.
Jamie Rivera: [after confessing to sleeping with Ricky] I just, I was in the mood for something, you know, that wasn’t quite right. Like ordering a hamburger at a sushi bar or something. I’m just going to avoid him today. It’s fine.
Darcy Rivera: He’s Tom’s best man. You two have to walk down the aisle together.
Jamie Rivera: I am very good at ignoring people that I’m standing next to.
Darcy Rivera: No kidding.
Jamie Rivera: [to Darcy in her wedding dress] I think the left boob is actually slightly lower than the right boob.
Tom Fowler: I’m sorry. I just wanted everything to be perfect.
Darcy Rivera: Why is that so important to you?
Tom Fowler: Why isn’t it important to you?
'You think that something bad is going to happen, and then you make it happen.' - Darcy Rivera, 'That's called self-sabotage.' - Ace (Shotgun Wedding) Click To Tweet
Carol Fowler: [referring to Tom and Darcy] Oh, my God. They’ve fallen in a ditch.
Renata Ortiz: What? And how do you know that?
Carol Fowler: I don’t know. I just have a sixth sense about these things.
Darcy Rivera: We brought everybody that we loved down to the Philippines for our wedding. I’m in this dress! We’re doing this!
Tom Fowler: Oh, that was beautiful. Are those your vows?
Tom Fowler: [to Darcy] Why don’t you go be with Sean? Maybe you guys could go bang some grandpas!
Pirate: Drop the phone.
Jamie Rivera: But my phone will get ruined.
Harriet: I think that’s the point, sweetie. Just drop it.
Jamie Rivera: Yeah, but I haven’t backed it up in a while.
Pirate Leader: As long as everybody follows directions, no one gets hurt. Raise your hand when you hear your name. Robert Rivera.
Carol Fowler: Robert? Robert. They’re calling you.
Robert Rivera: Thanks a lot, Carol.
'It is special, but it is not magic. We just made a vow. And we've messed things up thousands of times. But when we break something, we fix it.' - Margy (Shotgun Wedding) Click To Tweet
Pirate: Isn’t she the bride?
Amanda: Oh. No.
Renata Ortiz: Amanda thought it was appropriate to wear white to a wedding.
Amanda: I didn’t know that was a rule.
Carol Fowler: Yes, you did. You’re a gaslighter.
Carol Fowler: Tommy has cold feet?
Robert Rivera: Is this really what we should be worrying about at this point?
Carol Fowler: I’m a mother. I can worry about a lot of things at the same time. Like Larry’s mole.
Tom Fowler: There are pirates outside. And they took everybody hostage.
Darcy Rivera: What?
Darcy Rivera: God, I’m going to die in this dress!
'Life is always going to be chaotic. But what I know for sure is that I want to go through all of it with you. It's simple really. Just a plan with one step.' - Darcy Rivera (Shotgun Wedding) Click To Tweet
Darcy Rivera: [referring to their plan to attack the pirates] It won’t work!
Tom Fowler: Why?
Darcy Rivera: Too many steps.
Tom Fowler: It’s two steps. It’s two steps. Flamethrower, net.
Tom Fowler: You were right. That hairspray was so much worse than the net.
Sean Hawkins: You doing okay, Jamie?
Jamie Rivera: My stomach feels like it’s going to fall through my a**hole. But otherwise, I’m chill.
Sean Hawkins: [to Jaime] Listen, it’s normal to feel scared. But I’m not going to let anything happen to you, or your family. Promise.
Jeannie: Hey, Sean? I am also feeling scared. Like the most scared I’ve ever been in my whole life. It’s like I just watched The Ring, you know?
Renata Ortiz: [to the pirate, referring to Robert] If he keeps making that noise, just go ahead and shoot me.
Pirate Leader: Where is the father of the bride?
Carol Fowler: Robert. He’s calling you again.
Robert Rivera: Thanks, Carol.
Ricky Silver: You want some pineapple candies? They’re from that weird welcome bag we got, but I found them in my pocket.
Jamie Rivera: No, I don’t want loose, wet candy from your gross pockets.
Jamie Rivera: God, I can’t believe that I had sex with you.
Ricky Silver: Honestly, I was pretty surprised by that too.
Darcy Rivera: [after setting one of the pirates on fire] You see. That’s why you only have a plan with one step!
Darcy Rivera: [as the pirates are shooting at them] Quick, do something basebally.
Tom Fowler: What? This is nothing like baseball!
Darcy Rivera: Is he dead?
Tom Fowler: I don’t know.
Darcy Rivera: [to the pirate] Are you dead?!
Tom Fowler: Oh, yeah. He’s very not alive.
Tom Fowler: Are you okay?
Darcy Rivera: Yeah. I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s just, you know, I looked over there, and I saw all the blood. And, you know, I think I saw some brain. Was that brain stuff?
Darcy Rivera: How do you know so much about grenades?
Tom Fowler: Video games.
Tom Fowler: Well, my concern is that you won’t be able to throw it far enough to not blow us up. No offense.
Darcy Rivera: God. So, what, I just hold this live grenade? This grenade is just part of my life now?
Tom Fowler: Yeah. For now, yeah.
Harriet: I’m afraid they’re going to start shooting the hostages.
Sean Hawkins: I don’t think they’re going to do that.
Harriet: Isn’t that exactly what pirates do?
Carol Fowler: Come out, Mr. Pirate Man! My name is Carol Elaine Fowler, and I deserve to live.
Robert Rivera: Carol, what are you doing?
Carol Fowler: I’m humanizing myself. I saw it on Good Morning America. If you humanize yourself to them, they let you live.
Jeannie: My name is Jeannie Reed. I am a devoted mother, and a slightly less devoted wife. This is my first vacation without my kids, so I drank a lot of champagne before the ceremony, took a couple of weed gummies, and the combination is really killing me right now.
Tom Fowler: Are you stuffing a loose wad of hair in my pocket?
Darcy Rivera: Yes. A loose wad of very expensive, custom-made hair that I would like to keep. If we survive.
Tom Fowler: Not once did I wonder if I’d be walking handcuffed, through the jungle, with a live grenade.
Darcy Rivera: Oh. Pirates chasing you wasn’t on your vision board?
Tom Fowler: Well, you were the only thing on my vision board.
Darcy Rivera: Don’t think about the heights right now. Okay? We’re safe.
Tom Fowler: Yeah. You use the word “safe” very loosely.
Tom Fowler: Your group chat is out of control.
Darcy Rivera: I will not apologize for having enthusiastic friends.
Carol Fowler: Okay, let’s all go around and play two truths and a lie.
Pirate Leader: Be quiet!
Tom Fowler: [as Darcy is using the knife to cut his handcuff] Easy. Easy.
Darcy Rivera: I can’t cut with one hand.
Tom Fowler: Well, I can’t cut with no hands.
Tom Fowler: On my count. Ready?
Darcy Rivera: Okay. Yes.
Tom Fowler: Ten, nine, eight…
Darcy Rivera: Why are you counting from ten? What is this? A rocket launch?
Tom Fowler: Okay. Fine. On four. One, two, three…
Darcy Rivera: No one goes on four!
Darcy Rivera: I thought you left.
Tom Fowler: What? No. Never.
Tom Fowler: [after Darcy rips her wedding dress off] That dress is growing on me.
Darcy Rivera: Thanks. I wanted something less traditional.
Tom Fowler: [referring to his injured hand] Looks like it’s got a flap. It’s got a loose flap. Just be careful with the flap.
Darcy Rivera: Please stop saying “flap”, okay? I’m totally fine. Just don’t say flap.
Darcy Rivera: The pirates were here last summer? And you let us have our wedding here?
Margy: What? Tom-Tom. We talked about it, huh?
Darcy Rivera: You knew about this?
Tom Fowler: Well, first of all, nobody got killed last summer. And we both agreed that the chances of it happening again were very small.
Darcy Rivera: [to Tom] You think that something bad is going to happen, and then you make it happen!
Ace: That’s called self-sabotage.
Tom Fowler: What, you don’t like to be called “pirates”? I wanted to be a pirate when I was a kid, and you guys are actually doing it. You’re living the dream. Congratulations.
Tom Fowler: [referring to Sean] This a**hat thought it was appropriate to show up to a wedding he didn’t RSVP to!
Carol Fowler: He didn’t RSVP!
Jeannie: Mom, that’s not the main issue right now.
Carol Fowler: Look, I’m a mother. I can be upset about a lot of things at the same time.
Tom Fowler: I think, right now, we should be upset about one thing.
Darcy Rivera: I don’t know how you guys do it. You must have something really special.
Margy: Not really. I mean, it is special, but it is not magic. We just made a vow. And we’ve messed things up thousands of times. But when we break something, we fix it.
Harriet: Please, I’m a Gemini. I bruise easily.
Darcy Rivera: You worked so hard on this pirate island wedding.
Tom Fowler: Okay. No, no, no. Please stop calling it that.
Renata Ortiz: [to Darcy] Stop shooting your sister!
Tom Fowler: I mean, what is not perfect about your marriage?
Larry Fowler: Well, I made love to your Aunt Marie.
Carol Fowler: Then I went out and started doing all this weird sex stuff with Jim Roberts.
Carol Fowler: [to Tom] In the end, Jim Roberts just wasn’t your dad. And Aunt Marie realized that she had a sex addiction. But then you know what? We worked it out.
Robert Rivera: There are some things that are more important than money. I don’t know what they are, but…
Darcy Rivera: [to the pirate] I’m fairly new to grenades. But I’m pretty sure that if you shoot me, this springy thing pops off, and then this thing blows us all away. Ain’t that right, babe?
Tom Fowler: That’s right, baby.
Carol Fowler: Nobody f***s with my family!
Darcy Rivera: Carol, thank you for the cake knife. I f***ing live this cake knife.
Tom Fowler: I just thought that if I planned the perfect wedding, we could have the perfect marriage. But that doesn’t exist.
Darcy Rivera: God, I can’t believe you, Sean! When did you turn into such a monster?
Sean Hawkins: I am not a monster! I’m an entrepreneur!
Darcy Rivera: [to Sean] You were a pity invite!
Sean Hawkins: Is that a wad of loose hair?
Tom Fowler: Custom-made hair!
Tom Fowler: So when I asked you before, if we could start over.
Darcy Rivera: I don’t want to start over. I want to keep going. Tom Fowler, will you marry me?
Tom Fowler: Are you sure? You’re not scared?
Darcy Rivera: I’m terrified.
Darcy Rivera: [to Tom] Life is always going to be chaotic. But what I know for sure is that I want to go through all of it with you. It’s simple really. Just a plan with one step.
Robert Rivera: [mid-credits lines, to Tom and Darcy] I’m so sorry that I invited two con men to your wedding. And I don’t know if I’m attracted to toxic people, or toxic people are attracted to me.