Starring: James Marsden, Ben Schwartz, Jim Carrey, Tika Sumpter, Adam Pally, Neal McDonough
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Live-action animated adventure directed by Jeff Fowler, based on the video game franchise of the same name published by Sega. The story follows small-town sheriff Tom Wachowski (James Marsden), who teams up with Sonic (Ben Schwartz), an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog who can run at incredible speeds, in his battle against Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey).
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Our Favorite Quote:'Confidence, a fool's substitute for intelligence.' - Dr. Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog) Click To Tweet
[first lines; we see Sonic being chased by Robotnik through San Francisco]
Sonic: [voice over] So I know what you’re thinking, “Why is that incredibly handsome hedgehog being chased by a mad man with a mustache from the Civil War?” Well, to be honest, it feels like I’ve been running my whole life. Is this too much? Am I going too fast? It’s kind of what I do. You know what? Let’s back up.
Sonic: [voice over] I was born with extraordinary powers, and was told to keep them in secret. And like any kid, I did the exact opposite.
Sonic: [voice over] That’s Longclaw, she took care of me. She was basically Obi-Wan Kenobi, if Obi-Wan Kenobi had a beak and ate mice.
Sonic: [voice over] Turns out, with great power comes great power-hungry bad guys.
[we see the local sheriff, Tom, sat in his car looking bored; through the police radio]
Wade: Tom, do you read me? Are you there?
Tom: No, Wade, I’m actually on a yacht in Barbados with Rihanna.
Wade: OMG. That’s amazing. Please send pics.
Tom: No, Wade, I’m at the speed trap.
Wade: Already? How did you get back so fast? Barbados is in the ocean.
[after young Sonic was forced to leave his world, we see Sonic living his life on Earth living in a cave by himself]
Sonic: [voice over] So what were you expecting? A dirty little hedgehog eating berries, and struggling to survive? Think again, because I am living my best life on Earth.
Sonic: [voice over] And if I’m ever discovered, I’ll follow Longclaw’s instructions, and use my rings to escape to a new planet. A nice, safe little world filled only with mushrooms. Gross, smelly mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. But let’s not worry about all of that. This is Green Hills. The greatest place on Earth. These are my people, and dare I say, I am their lovable space creature. So what if they don’t know I exist?
[referring to Tom, who he’s spying on as Tom eats a doughnut]
Sonic: [voice over] My favorite person is the Doughnut Lord. Protector of this town, and defender of all creatures, big and small.
[as he’s spying on Tom’s wife, Maddie, as she does yoga]
Sonic: [voice over] Doughnut Lord lives with Pretzel Lady. She is super nice to animals, and strangely was born without bones.
[as he’s spying on Tom and Maddie watching Speed]
Sonic: Yes! Keanu, you are a national treasure.
[reciting a line from the movie Speed]
Sonic: “Pop quiz, hot-shot.” A classic line.
[pretending to be a psychiatrist in a counseling session with himself]
Sonic: [as psychiatrist] You don’t think your prolonged isolation is making you a bit crazy perhaps?
Sonic: Crazy? Me? No way, Doc. You got me all wrong.
Sonic: [as psychiatrist] And despite all these so called friends of yours, deep down you’re still rather lonely? Perhaps afraid that you’ll be alone forever?
[upset after he plays baseball by himself]
Sonic: I really am alone. All alone. Forever.
[he starts running which triggers an electromagnetic pulse that knocks out power across the Pacific Northwest]
Sonic: I’m sure no one noticed that giant blue explosion, right?
[after Sonic has knocked out the power; referring to Robotnik]
Air Force Chief of Staff: He’s a psychological terrifier!
Vice Chairman Walters: But he’s also brilliant. Five PhDs. IQ off the charts. And his drone tech is revolutionary.
Army Chief of Staff: You’re sure he can handle this?
Vice Chairman Walters: He has a perfect operations record. Remember the coup in Pakistan?
Army Chief of Staff: No.
Vice Chairman Walters: Or the uprising in Azerbaijanistan?
Navy Chief of Staff: It’s not even a country.
Vice Chairman Walters: Exactly. And you can thank Robotnik for that.
Air Force Chief of Staff: I can’t believe you’re bringing that freak into this.
Vice Chairman Walters: Neither can I. But we have no choice.
Dr. Robotnik: Are you in charge here?
Major Bennington: Yes, I am.
Dr. Robotnik: No. Wrong!
Major Bennington: Name…
Dr. Robotnik: I’m in charge! Me!
Major Bennington: … is Major Ben…
Dr. Robotnik: I’m in charge.
[to Bennington; referring to his technology]
Dr. Robotnik: You’ve never seen anything like this before? It says I’m the top banana in a world full of hungry little monkeys. Allow me to clarify. In a sequentially ranked hierarchy, based on level of critical importance, the disparity between us is too vast to quantify. Agent Stone.
Agent Stone: The doctor thinks you’re basic.
[referring to Bennington]
Dr. Robotnik: Is he still looking at me funny?
Agent Stone: Yes, he is.
Dr. Robotnik: Tell him to stop, or I’ll pull out his search history.
Agent Stone: If you don’t stop looking, the doctor, he’ll take a closer look…
Major Bennington: I’m not deaf.
Dr. Robotnik: And tell him his men report to me now. Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah.
Dr. Robotnik: I’m sorry, major, what was your name?
Major Bennington: Benning…
Dr. Robotnik: Nobody cares! Nobody cares. Listen, Major Nobodycares. You know why nobody cares who you are? Because nobody cares about your feeble accomplishments. And nobody cares how proud your mommy is that you’re now reading at a third grade level. Have you finished Charlotte’s Web yet? Spoiler alert, she dies in the end. But she leaves a big creepy egg sac.
[as he releases his drones]
Dr. Robotnik: Oh, my babies. Look what came out of my egg sac.
Dr. Robotnik: [to Bennington] You know what I love about machines? They do what they’re told. They follow their programming. They don’t need time-off to get drunk, and put the boat in the water. And you do what you’re told. Stand over there on the edge of your personal abyss, and watch my machines do your job.
[after Robotnik’s drones find one of Sonic’s footprints]
Dr. Robotnik: Do you see anything useful in this image?
Agent Stone: Nothing at all, doctor.
Dr. Robotnik: Of course you don’t. Your eyes weren’t expertly trained to spot tracks by the Native American Shadow Wolves.
[to Stone; referring to Sonic’s footprint]
Dr. Robotnik: This blackout was not a terrorist attack, and that’s no baby Bigfoot. This guy is something else entirely.
[as Sonic sees the army men hunting for him]
Sonic: Okay, okay. Everything is fine. You played some baseball, got a little upset. Lightning shut out of your butt, and now they’re coming for you.
Sonic: Earth isn’t safe anymore. Time for plan B, Mushroomville. I got to take my stuff. Okay, essential items only. Okay, toothbrush, toothpaste, hair gel, night light, funny hat. This half-eaten cantaloupe. Oh, and my scented candle. My entire comic book collection. Bean bag chair. Can a bean bag chair fit in a backpack? No, no, no. Of course not. That’s stupid! Okay, what else? The rings! The rings. Yes, of course!
[talking to Maddie on the phone]
Tom: Hey, exciting stuff here. We had a power outage. The whole town went dark. It was like a sign telling me to get out of Dodge.
Maddie: Wade must’ve lost his mind.
Tom: Yeah. And he does not have much to lose.
[to himself as he enters Tom’s garage in order to use one of his rings to leave Earth]
Sonic: Didn’t work out on Earth, but that’s okay. You’re going to a safe world. A nice safe world full of mushrooms. Mushrooms, that’ll be your only friends. That sounds awful. I can’t do this! You have to do it. There’s no other option.
[after Tom finds Sonic in his garage]
Sonic: Uh, meow?
Tom: [yells] Ahh!!!
Sonic: [yells] Ahh!!
[Tom shoots at Sonic with a tranq gun]
[a dazed Sonic sees Tom’s San Francisco t-shirt]
Sonic: San Francisco?
[he drops the ring, it opens a portal to San Francisco, as Sonic passes out, he drops his bag of rings through the portal]
[after Tom has brought the unconscious Sonic to his house and caged him]
Tom: The Blue Devil.
[Sonic becomes conscious and steps out of the cage]
Sonic: Doughnut Lord?
Tom: You can talk? You’re not here to abduct me, are you?
Sonic: You abducted me!
Tom: Okay, that’s a fair point.
Tom: What are you? Why are you hiding out in my garage?
Sonic: I needed somewhere safe, and you’re the only person I could think of, Doughnut Lord.
Tom: Why do you keep calling me Doughnut Lord?
Sonic: Because you talk to doughnuts, and then eat them if they get out of the line.
Tom: Again, fair.
[as they hear Robotnik vehicle arriving]
Tom: What’s happening? Is this your mothership? I’m not in the mood to get probed.
Sonic: You think you’re worried? I’m not even wearing pants.
[as they see Robotnik’s vehicle parking outside the house]
Sonic: They’re coming for me!
Tom: Who’s coming for you? What’s that got to do with me?
Sonic: I don’t have time to explain, but you have to help me.
Tom: No, I don’t. Why?
Sonic: Well, my legs, which normally would be classified as lethal weapons, feel like spaghetti. I need your help. Please, it’s life or death.
[Tom thinks for a moment]
Tom: Fine, come with me.
[Tom hides Sonic in the attic]
[Tom finds Robotnik outside his house]
Tom: Hello there. Can I help you?
Dr. Robotnik: Good morning, my rural chum. I’m from the power company, investigating the blackout. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a few readings inside your house?
Tom: No kidding, you’re from the power company? Well, you must know my buddy Spencer. We play softball together.
Dr. Robotnik: Spence, he’s a good man.
Tom: Don’t the power company usually take their readings from outside the house? That way they can check even if you’re not home. Also, my buddy Spencer works for the gas company. And he’s more of an ultimate Frisbee guy. So, you want to tell me why you think I’m dumb enough to just let you walk inside my house?
[discretely Robotnik releases his drones]
Dr. Robotnik: I’m sorry, Mr..?
Tom: Wachowski. But everyone calls me Tom. Except my dentist, he calls me Tim. But it’s go on for so long now that it would be just weird if I corrected him.
Dr. Robotnik: Well, Tom, whose dentist calls him Tim. You may have noticed that this entire town has been experiencing a power outage.
Tom: Yep, no lights. Picked up on that.
Tom: Listen, uh, Mr..?
Dr. Robotnik: Doctor. Doctor Robotnik. But my dentist calls me Rob.
Tom: Look, uh, Doctor Robotskiz, I’m sure what you’re here for is very serious, but it’s got nothing to do with me, you can ask anyone in town. Everyone knows me.
Dr. Robotnik: I bet they do. I’m sure you’re hella popular with the Jebs, and Murls, and Billy Bobs in this glorified gas station rest stop. Which goes way back to the days of tipping cows and playing on a jug band.
[starts mimicking a jug band]
Dr. Robotnik: And maybe some day, you’ll achieved your goal of getting a Costco card, or adopting a Labradoodle. But the reality is, I surpassed everything you’re ever going to do before I was a toddler. I was spitting out formulas while you were still spitting up formula.
Tom: I was breastfed actually.
Dr. Robotnik: Nice. Rub that in my orphan face.
Dr. Robotnik: Anyone, who attempts to aid an enemy of the United States shall suffer death. And if I’m the one who catches you, it’ll be even worse.
Tom: Worse than death?
[referring to the drones scanning the attic]
Sonic: Oh, I hope they aren’t scanning me with X-Rays. I had kind of an embarrassing lunch.
[thinking he’s discovered Sonic in Tom’s house but only to find a raccoon eating a cake]
Dr. Robotnik: Here’s the thing. I’m never wrong.
Tom: Well, first time for everything, I guess. Would you like some cake? I hear raccoons have the cleanest mouths of any animal that routinely eats garbage.
[after Robotnik discovers one of Sonic’s quills and is threatening Tom]
Tom: Hey, tough guy, I’m a cop. And you’re threatening an officer.
Dr. Robotnik: How can you threaten somebody who never existed? Three. Come on, rack your brain! You might be able to come up with some lame excuse to go on living. In two. One!
[Sonic suddenly comes out of his hiding place]
Sonic: Wait! Don’t hurt him!
[Robotnik screams in terror and Tom punches him unconscious]
[as Robotnik’s drone is getting out of control]
Tom: Come on! We got to get out of here.
[to the drone as it’s shooting at them]
Sonic: Oh, don’t tell me that’s all you got! I’m just getting started! Let me know if you want to go round two with the blue!
[Tom puts Sonic in his truck and drives off]
[after Tom drives off with Sonic]
Agent Stone: Doctor! Are you okay? I just saw a guy race out of here, and thought…
Dr. Robotnik: That you should stop them? Open your mouth, and say you thought that you should stop them.
Agent Stone: No, I thought that maybe I should check to see if you’re okay.
[Robotnik grabs Stone’s face]
Dr. Robotnik: You know what’s hard about being the smartest person in the world?
Agent Stone: Everyone else seems stupid.
Dr. Robotnik: Stupid. Yes. Way to go. You got that one.
[as he puts on his sunglasses, which is broken from Tom punching him]
Dr. Robotnik: Stone.
Agent Stone: Doctor?
Dr. Robotnik: Call Optical Illusions. Tell them I need new frames. They know what kind I like.
Tom: Alright, pal. You need to start talking right now. Who are you? What are you?
Sonic: I’m a hedgehog. I feel like that’s obvious. And I’m in big trouble.
Tom: Oh, you’re in big trouble? You’re not the one who punched some sort of government weirdo back there.
[Tom stops the car after Sonic pleads for help to find his rings in San Francisco]
Tom: Okay, pal. Out you go.
Sonic: I’m sorry, what?
Tom: Look, this is the worst possible time for me to get myself into trouble, okay? You asked me to save your life, I saved your life. Now, please, go find your rings, and your Mushroomland. Hopefully I’m going to wake up in a hospital bed, and the doctor’s going to tell me that my colonoscopy was a big success. Okay? So, goodbye.
[after Sonic speeds off to find San Francisco and instantaneously returns back to Tom]
Sonic: So, as I crashed into the cold dark water of the Pacific, I realized a few things. A, I have no idea where I’m going. B, salt water stings. C, I shouldn’t even be on this planet right now, but I am. Why? Because you shot me!
Tom: I know.
Sonic: You shot me!
Tom: Alright. I heard you the first time. You don’t have to pile it on. Good grief.
Sonic: I’m wet. I’m cold. There’s a fish on my head! And clearly I’m not going to be able to do this on my own.
Tom: Alright, get in the truck.
Sonic: Really? You’re going to help me?
Tom: I guess it is a little bit my fault that all of this is happening to you.
Sonic: Not a little bit, entirely. It is entirely your fault.
Tom: Okay, it’s entirely my fault. Are you coming?
[Sonic gets into the truck]
Sonic: Road trip! Whoop-whoop!
Tom: [to himself] What am I doing?
[after Tom has agreed to help take Sonic]
Tom: Alright, there’s going to be rules on this trip. Number one, do exactly as I say all the time. Got it?
Sonic: Got it, Doughnut Lord.
Tom: Would you stop with the Doughnut Lord? I have a name. It’s Tom.
Sonic: I’m Sonic.
Tom: So you’ve been spying on us all for years.
Sonic: I mean, I wouldn’t call it spying. We were all just hanging out, only I wasn’t invited, and no one knew I was there.
Tom: I can’t believe Crazy Carl was right all this time.
Sonic: Yeah, you should call him Super Observing Carl instead.
Sonic: Oh, my God. Stop the car right now!
Tom: What? What?!
[reads from the billboard they are passing]
Sonic: “The World’s Largest Rubberband Ball!” We got to see it!
Tom: No. No. No, this is not some fun family roadtrip, okay? The government wants to dissect you, and arrest me. This is serious.
[Tom look at the passenger seat, Sonic has already left and comes back with some rubber balls]
Sonic: Eh, you were right. It was lame. Gift shop was cool though. I got you a mouse pad. When are we going to get there?
Tom: We will get there when we get there.
[Tom calls Wade]
Wade: So, some guys came in asking some questions. A little creepy. Kind of reminded me of guys from Men in Black, but not as likable, or charming as Will Smith.
Tom: Wait, what kind of questions?
Wade: Questions about terrorism. I told them that like, “I’ve gone ice fishing with Tom. He doesn’t know how to make a bomb. He can’t even make like bait in the cold.”
[over the phone]
Tom: Alright, Wade, listen to me. This is really important. Don’t tell them that we talked, okay?
[we see that Robotnik, Stone, and the soldiers are in the office with Wade]
Wade: You know, I think they already know.
[after Robotnik takes the phone from Wade]
Dr. Robotnik: I want you to know that the only other person who ever punched me in the face was the school bully. He hit me in the cafeteria causing a blunt force contusion to the soft tissue surrounding my orbital bone. Humiliated me in front of the entire school. And you know what I did in response?
Tom: I’m assuming that you reported him to the principal’s office, because, you know, that kind of behavior is really unacceptable.
Dr. Robotnik: No, I examined the inefficiency of a world where brawn trumped brain, and I used technology to resolve that inefficiency. The boy ate his meals through a straw for a year. And I have never lost a fight again. Until today.
Tom: Hey! Hooray for me then, huh?
Dr. Robotnik: No, because you’re about to become the bully with a straw! I’m coming for you, Mr. Wachowski. And when I catch you, I’ll…
[Tom hangs up the phone]
[after Tom hangs up on Robotnik]
Dr. Robotnik: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Wade: I think he actually hung up, because I noticed that the light isn’t on.
Dr. Robotnik: Thank you, Officer Brainfart.
Wade: If you give me a second, I can get an outside line.
Dr. Robotnik: No, don’t be bothered. You just sit there and be you-sless.
[as they are sat in a bar; referring to Sonic]
Roadhouse Waitress: No kids allowed in here. What’s he got on, some kind of mask?
Tom: Oh, he’s actually forty-three years-old, and suffers from a very rare skin disease, that stunts his growth, and makes him look like that.
Sonic: The face, I was born with. The confidence, I picked up along the way.
[after Sonic starts spinning in his bar seat]
Tom: You having fun? Going to check this off the old bucket list, huh? Big night for you?
Sonic: What’s a bucket list?
Tom: Bucket list is, it’s a list of things you want to do in your life before you, well, kick the bucket.
Sonic: I’ve never kicked a bucket either. I got to make my list.
[as Sonic is going through his bucket list and he’s riding on the mechanical bull]
Sonic: Wait a second. Is this bull missing a head, or does it have two butts?
[as some thugs approach them at the bar]
Tom: Uh, can we help you?
Roadhouse Thug: We don’t like your kind around here.
Sonic: Our kind? What kind is that?
Roadhouse Thug: Hipsters.
Sonic: How dare you?!
Sonic: I know exactly how to handle this situation. Pop quiz hot-shot. You just picked a fight with a poorly disguised hedgehog, who’s seen way too many action movies. What do you do? What do you do?
[he goes smash a bottle on the thugs head but nothing happens]
Sonic: Huh. Am I crazy? It was supposed to break, right?
[he continues to tap the bottle on the thugs head which leads to a bar brawl]
[to Tom after they’re bar brawl]
Sonic: Did you see how much toilet paper I used? The next person that goes into that bathroom will have nothing to wipe with.
[as they stay the night at a motel; referring to their bar brawl]
Sonic: The floors were sticky. The crowd was rough. And the odds were against us. But there was no stopping Doughnut Lord and the Blue Blur. Scratch another one off my list.
Tom: You are a weird little dude.
Sonic: So what are we going to do now?
Tom: I’m going to pass out watching TV. You should too.
Sonic: But this is my last night on Earth. I want to soak up every last second.
Tom: Alright, well, anything you can find to do in this room, you knock yourself out.
[using his speed power, Sonic rushes around doing everything he can, finally sits back down on the bed wrapped in a towel]
Sonic: Good times.
[after Sonic breaks wind]
Tom: Oh, come on.
Sonic: That’s awful, what did you eat?
Tom: I think it’s called a chili dog.
Sonic: You might want to check your fur on that one, buddy.
Tom: Hey, so what’s this next planet you’re supposed to go to like?
Sonic: It’s no Earth, I can tell you that. There’s no people. Just breathable air and giant mushrooms, and stuff.
Tom: Well, look at it this way. At least you won’t be the only fun-gi.
Sonic: No, don’t ever do that again.
Tom: [chuckles] I liked it.
Dr. Robotnik: Judging by the quickest route to San Francisco, the approximate speed of their vehicle and local weather conditions, they should be right about, here.
[shows their location on the monitor]
Agent Stone: That’s brilliant, Sir.
Dr. Robotnik: Thanks.
Dr. Robotnik: For nothing.
[after Sonic referrs to himself as Tom’s best friend]
Tom: You’re anointing yourself as the bestie?
Tom: A little presumptuous. But I mean, no, I like you, of course. But, you know, we’re not best friends.
Sonic: You tucked me in last night.
Sonic: Fine, fine, fine. Best animal friend.
Tom: That would be my dog Ozzy.
Sonic: Okay, let’s trap this increasingly humiliating topic of conversation.
[after Tom’s told Sonic that he’s going to San Francisco]
Sonic: But why? Why would you leave Green Hills?
Tom: This maybe hard for you to understand, but Green Hills is a small town. It’s a very small town.
Sonic: Uh, it’s not small. There are hundreds of people.
Tom: That’s a small town, dude.
Sonic: It’s a perfect town, and the people need you.
Tom: Please, I clean out their gutters. I jumpstart their cars in the winter. They could call anybody to do that.
Sonic: Sure, they can call anybody, but the don’t. They call you.
[to Tom as they are being chased by Robotnik]
Sonic: You know what? I was wrong about you. You’re not the Doughnut Lord at all. You’re more like the Jerk Lord.
Tom: Have you noticed the harpoon stuck in our dash?!
[after Sonic uses his powers to knock over Robotnik’s vehicle]
Tom: How are you not dead?
Sonic: I have no idea! Do you see me dancing?
Tom: Yes, I saw your dance.
[after knocking over Robotnik’s vehicle]
Sonic: Is that all you’ve got?
Dr. Robotnik: No, but thank you for asking.
[as Sonic takes over driving as they’re being chased by Robotnik]
Sonic: I feel just like Vin Diesel. It’s all about family, Tom.
[as they’re being chased by Robotnik]
Tom: Woh! Where’d you learn how to drive?!
[we see Sonic reading the car handbook as he drives]
Sonic: Here, in this truck. It’s happening as we speak.
[to Tom as one of Robotnik’s mini drones is lasering their truck]
Sonic: How can something so adorable be so terrible? You got car insurance, right?
[Robotnik screams as Stone shows up behind him whilst he was dancing]
Agent Stone: I just thought you might like a latte with steamed Austrian goat milk.
Dr. Robotnik: What do I look like, an imbecile? Of course, I want a latte! I love the way you make them!
[after Tom takes the unconscious Sonic to Rachel’s house in San Francisco to see Maddie]
Tom: He’s going to be okay, right?
Maddie: I’m a vet, Tom. I don’t even know what I’m looking at here.
Tom: Well, he’s a hedgehog. Or so he says.
Maddie: It talks?
Tom: Almost constantly.
[referring to the unconscious Sonic]
Maddie: Its pulse is super fast.
Tom: Well, that actually might be normal for him. I don’t know. You got to help him, Maddie.
Maddie: I don’t know his physiology. He doesn’t seem to have any broken bones. He’s just really banged up. Look at its poor little feet.
Tom: [to Sonic] Hang in there, buddy. You going to be alright.
[as they are trying to wake Sonic]
Tom: Oh, smelling salts! Don’t you have like vet smelling salts, like for cats, or parakeets or something?
Maddie: No, they don’t make cat smelling salts.
Tom: They should.
[after Sonic becomes conscious]
Sonic: Where am I? What year is it? Is the Rock President?
Tom: Woh, woh, woh, buddy. You’re okay. Calm down.
Sonic: Oh, hi, Pretzel Lady!
Maddie: [shocked] Hi.
[after they’ve tied Rachel in her own house]
Rachel: Aliens? Maddie, your husband’s lost his mind. You can use this as an opportunity to leave him! No one would judge you.
[Jojo gives Sonic new sneakers]
Jojo: So you won’t hurt your feet anymore.
Sonic: No one’s ever given me a gift before. I got to check that off my bucket list.
[as he’s staring at Tom’s dog, Ozzy]
Sonic: So, you’re supposed to be Tom’s best friend that he won’t shut up about. Well, I don’t see the appeal.
[Sonic laughs as Ozzy starts to lick his face]
Sonic: Stop. That is very gross.
[Tom hides Sonic in his bag as they are waiting at the elevator in the Transamerica building]
Sonic: How much longer? I can’t breathe in here. Hello? Anybody there?
Business Woman: Do you have your child in that bag?
Tom: No. I mean, yes. It’s a child, but it’s not mine.
Business Man: It’s not your child?
Tom: Relax, I’m a cop. Okay? Plus he likes it in there. Don’t you, buddy?
Sonic: Why would I like it in here? This is worse than the dog cage you had me in earlier.
Tom: Such a kidder.
[Maddie laughs softly and zips the bag up]
Sonic: No, I’m scared of the dark! Is anybody there?
[the business man and woman take a step back and walk away]
[as they make it to the Transamerica rooftop and Tom lets Sonic out of the bag]
Sonic: What were you keeping in this bag? A jar of pickled farts?
[as he’s saying goodbye to Tom and Maddie after finding his bag of rings]
Sonic: I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I know it’s a tough decision for you to leave Green Hills. Walking away from something you care about has to be painful.
Tom: You’re not sure you really want to go, huh?
Sonic: I don’t want to go, but I can’t stay. As long as I’m here, I put everyone in danger. I can’t do that.
Sonic: I just want you to know that these last two days have been the best two days of my life.
Tom: You know I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually going to miss you, you little Blue Devil.
Sonic: I’ll miss you too, Doughnut Lord. Thank you.
Tom: For what?
Sonic: For saving my life.
[Robotnik shows up in his new ship and herd of drones just as Sonic is about to leave]
Dr. Robotnik: Welcome to San Francisco, Mr. Wachowski. Are you enjoying the clam chowder?
Tom: It’s the government wack job who keeps trying to kill us, unsuccessfully. Nice of you to swing by on your way to Comic-Con.
Maddie: What are you wearing?
Dr. Robotnik: It’s a flight suit. Designed to modulate my body temperature and reduce drag.
Tom: Yeah, and yet you’re still are one.
Dr. Robotnik: Ooh-hoo. Good one. You are catching fire, Thomas.
[referring to Maddie]
Dr. Robotnik: Oh, and speaking of heat, I see you’ve taken a lover. Does she have a name, or should we just call her “collateral damage”?
Tom: Hey, watch your mouth! Unless you want a little more of what I gave you earlier?
Dr. Robotnik: The time for talking is over! It’s time to push buttons.
Sonic: Your flying eggs are pretty impressive, Mr. Eggman. But let’s face it, you’ll never catch me.
Dr. Robotnik: Confidence, a fool’s substitute for intelligence.
[as they are surrounded by Robotnik’s drones]
Sonic: Don’t worry, I know exactly what to do.
[Sonic throws Tom and Maddie off the rooftop]
Dr. Robotnik: I was not expecting that. But I was expecting not to expect something, so it doesn’t count.
[after Sonic uses one of his rings to transport Tom and Maddie back to Green Hills]
Dr. Robotnik: Can I give you one genius piece of advice? Don’t run. It’ll only hurt more if you do. And it’s bad for your joints, they proved it.
Sonic: Alright, Eggman. You want to get fast? Let’s get fast.
[Sonic chases off]
Dr. Robotnik: The hard way it is.
[Robotnik sets off in his new vehicle, which is using Sonic’s quill to match his speed]
[as Robotnik is chasing after Sonic through San Francisco]
Sonic: [voice over] So, here we are again. We’ve been through so much together. Now you understand why there’s a psychotic robot doctor chasing a super sonic blue hedgehog. Want to know how it ends? Yeah, me too.
[as he’s watching Sonic run up Great Pyramid of Egypt]
Dr. Robotnik: You’re not allowed up there! It’s one of the Seven Wonders!
[after Robotnik catches Sonic in Green Hill]
Dr. Robotnik: You’re an astonishing little creature. It’ll be fun to take you back to the lab for a litany of invasive exploratory procedures. Any last words?
Sonic: Guac. I like that word.
Dr. Robotnik: I don’t have to tell you how many scientific breakthroughs have been made possible by animal testing. You’re being very selfish.
[after Tom stops Robotnik from doing more damage to Sonic]
Dr. Robotnik: Why would you throw your life away for this thing? That’s why I don’t have friends. Next thing you know, you’re somebody’s best man, they want to have the wedding out of town. Like nobody has anything better to do! Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. You were about to die.
[Wade suddenly shoots at Robotnik’s ship]
Wade: That’s our Sheriff you’re messing with.
Crazy Carl: Do you our know Blue Devil? Who, as everyone can see, is a very real creature, and not at all invented by me!
[referring to Sonic’s unconscious body]
Dr. Robotnik: I don’t mean to be indelicate here. But someone should get some ice to keep the body fresh. He’s just a silly little alien. He didn’t belong here!
Tom: That little alien knew more about being human than you ever will. His name was Sonic. This was his home. And he was my friend.
[suddenly Sonic becomes conscious and regains his lost energy and strength]
[after Sonic regains his powers]
Sonic: This is my power, and I’m not using it to run away anymore. I’m using it to protect my friends!
[Sonic uses his power surge to damage Robotnik’s ship]
Dr. Robotnik: Now you’ve done it!
Sonic: Guess what, Eggman, I’m not leaving Earth. You are! Doughnut Lord?
[Tom tosses a ring to open a portal, Sonic then sends Robotnik through to the mushroom planet]
[after defeating Robotnik; referring to the bag of rings]
Tom: I think these belong to you.
Sonic: Thank you very much.
Tom: No more pushing people off the buildings.
Sonic: You know I can’t promise that.
Tom: You did pretty good, Spacehog.
Sonic: Thanks, Doughnut Lord.
Maddie: You’re going to have to explain this Doughnut Lord thing.
Tom: No, sorry. That’s for me and our little guy. Right?
[referring to staying at Green Hills]
Tom: I kind of feel like I checked the “save a life” box off my bucket list. Now all I want to do is to spend my life with the people I care about. I want to check that box.
Maddie: Okay. I like that.
Wade: [to the crowd] You act like you’ve never seen a fight between an intergalactic space rodent and a robot with a doctorate.
[after Walters gives Tom an envelope to thank them on behalf of the government]
Tom: Wow! Wonder what it is.
Maddie: Money to fix the house?
Tom: Letter from the President?
Vice Chairman Walters: You’ll see.
[Tom opens the envlope and sees a voucher for Olive Garden]
Maddie: Olive Garden?
Tom: Yeah. The way you said “you’ll see”, it made me think it was something better than the things we said.
Vice Chairman Walters: Have you tried their Never Ending Pasta Bowl? It never ends.
Tom: Sounds fancy.
[referring to Sonic]
Vice Chairman Walters: You haven’t by any chance been in contact with a certain alien creature since the incident, have you? Uncle Sam would love to have a chat with him. Very casual. Brunch perhaps.
Tom: Oh, you mean the little blue guy? No. No. Nothing. Doubt we’ll ever hear from him again.
Sonic: So, you guys want to watch a movie, or what?
Maddie: Sorry, buddy. It’s a school night. It’s time for you to go back to your cave.
Sonic: What? It’s three in the afternoon!
Tom: You know how you get when you’re tired, come on.
Sonic: Me? I’m not like anything. You guys are so uncool.
Tom: Yeah, yeah. We know.
[as Sonic is going back to his cave]
Tom: Hey, buddy, where are you going?
Sonic: You said I have to go back to my cave.
Tom: We did.
[they show Sonic their attic, where they’ve recreated his room like his cave]
Sonic: Oh, my… Are you kidding me? I can’t believe it. How did you… It’s all here. Look at this! Are you kidding? And the bean bag? No way! How did you even get this? How did you get it all over? I love it! I love it! I love it! I love it!
Maddie: Well, welcome home.
Sonic: Thank you, so much.
[as Ozzy starts barking]
Sonic: Oh, no, you don’t. No second best animal friends allowed in my room. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me.
[we hear Ozzy licking Sonic]
Sonic: Stop it. I’m warning you, I’ve got nunchucks. Hey, stop! Okay, you can stay.
[last lines; Robotnik is on the mushroom planet, shaving his head, looking crazy with a giant moustache]
Dr. Robotnik: My grasp on sanity remains absolute. Isn’t that right, Agent Stone?
[we see him talking to a rock]
Dr. Robotnik: Why don’t you get a head start.
[throws the rock ahead]
Dr. Robotnik: Do some Rock-connaissance.
Dr. Robotnik: Rock-connaissance! Come on, that’s hilarious! What’s the matter with you?! Here’s the sitch. Uninhabited planet. No resources. No supplies. No apparent way home. A lesser man would die here.
[he holds up Sonic’s quill]
Dr. Robotnik: I’ll be home by Christmas.
[starts walking off, mimicking a robot]
Dr. Robotnik: Rock-connaissance! Come on, cheer up!
[mid-credits lines; Tails arrives on Earth through a ring portal looking for Sonic]
Miles ‘Tails’ Prower: If these readings are accurate, he’s here. I found him! I just hope I’m not too late.
[he flies off using his twin tails]
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