Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Jude Law, Jason Statham, Rose Byrne, Miranda Hart, Bobby Cannavale, Allison Janney, Peter Serafinowicz, Morena Baccarin, Björn Gustafsson, Nargis Fakhri
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Action comedy written and directed by Paul Feig. The story follows unassuming, deskbound CIA analyst Susan Cooper (Melissa McCarthy), who is the unsung hero behind one of the Agency’s best field agents, Bradley Fine (Jude Law). But when Fine’s last mission goes wrong and the identities of other CIA’s top agents are compromised, Susan volunteers to go deep undercover to infiltrate the world of a deadly arms dealer, and prevent a global disaster.
Our Favorite Quote:
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 209)
[Varna, Bulgaria – CIA Agent Bradley Fine infiltrates a black-tie party, he heads underground and finds henchman Tihomir Boyanov talking on the phone]
Bradley Fine: Tihomir, hang up.
Tihomir Boyanov: Bradley Fine.
[Boyanov hangs up, turns and finds Bradley pointing his gun at him]
Tihomir Boyanov: I’m honored.
Bradley Fine: Pleasure’s all mine. Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds, or you’re dead.
Tihomir Boyanov: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I’m now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So, I’d say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley Fine: Well then, in that case, I’d say you’d better start…
[suddenly Bradley sneezes and he shoots Boyanov in the head by accident, killing him]
[after accidently killing Boyanov]
Bradley Fine: Oh, fuck!
[we see his partner, CIA Analyst Susan Cooper, back in Washington talking to him through his earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! Why did you do that?
Bradley Fine: I didn’t do it on purpose. There’s like a ton of pollen in here!
Susan Cooper: Oh, God! Christmas on a cracker! Did you take your medicine?
Bradley Fine: I forgot it on the plane.
Susan Cooper: I told you this morning, I put extra in all your jackets.
Bradley Fine: You did?
[he takes out the bag of medicine from him jacket pocket]
Bradley Fine: Great. Shit! Thanks.
Susan Cooper: No, you know what? That’s on me. Because I heard you sniffle a while ago and I did nothing with that information. So that’s blood on my hands, really.
Susan Cooper: Okay. You know what? You got three coming in. Get out the back door now. Move.
[Bradley quickly leaves and goes into another room as three men come after him shooting their guns]
Bradley Fine: Anybody in here?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, we got one coming around the corner, now.
[Bradley quickly shoots the man coming around the corner]
Susan Cooper: Your three guests are coming out that door behind you right now. Watch your six.
[Bradley shoots all three men dead]
Bradley Fine: Yahtzee.
Susan Cooper: Oh, zinger!
Bradley Fine: I should’ve brought more bullets.
[back in the Washington CIA office, Susan’s co-worker, Nancy, is talking to a group of other CIA employees about a cake brought in for someone’s birthday]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I thought they were chocolate sprinkles, which I would eat, normally, by the fistful, but this tasted like, there’s no other way to say it, really. Like a rat’s ass.
Susan Cooper: Okay, guys, can you please keep it down?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Look, unfortunately, there’s vermin in the ceiling again, and I hate to say it, but, uh, well, they’ve pooped all over your cake.
[as he tries to get out of Boyanov’s underground area]
Bradley Fine: I’m going left?
Susan Cooper: No. I need you to go right and head down the tunnel. You’ve got one coming around to your right, and he’s got a swarm behind him.
Bradley Fine: That’s my girl.
Susan Cooper: Oh, I don’t know.
[Bradley takes out the men coming for him]
Susan Cooper: Watch your back.
[Bradley takes out the last man]
Susan Cooper: Oh, that was a close one, Fine.
Bradley Fine: Who’s the finest of them all?
Susan Cooper: You are.
Susan Cooper: Oh, Bradley, you’re so fine You’re so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Bradley!
[she suddenly sees something on her monitor]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, duck!
[Bradley takes out the man shooting at him]
Susan Cooper: Nice moves, Fine. Pilates has been working out for you.
Bradley Fine: You noticed?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, you just seem looser. Like, in your hips. I mean athletically speaking. I don’t know. I guess you don’t seem so awkward.
[mouthing to herself, clearly obvious that she has a thing for Bradley]
Susan Cooper: Shut up!
Bradley Fine: Going straight?
Susan Cooper: No, go right up the stairs. You’re going to find a little friend on the first landing.
[Bradley takes out two more men]
Bradley Fine: Thanks for your help.
Susan Cooper: Okay, you’re clear to the top. Get moving.
[at the same time someone in her office opens up a hatch in the ceiling and a herd of bats start flying around the office]
John: Oh, my God! The rats can fly!
Susan Cooper: Come on, you guys!
[as she continues to help Bradley out of the Boyanov’s building]
Susan Cooper: Alright, Fine. Stop at the door. You got a guard approaching, I’ll tell you when.
[the bats start flying around her head and she tries to swat them off]
Susan Cooper: Wait for it, Fine. Three, two, one. Now!
[Bradley opens the door, knocks out the guy on the other side and enters back into the party]
Bradley Fine: Oh, dear, did I forget to knock?
[he winks at a women then runs off]
[referring to the bats around her head]
Susan Cooper: They’re clawing at my hair! I can’t see!
[as he’s rushing to get away from Boyanov’s building]
Bradley Fine: What do you mean, you can’t see me?
Susan Cooper: I’m good. You’ve got SUVs approaching! Go to the dock!
Bradley Fine: Dock. Excellent idea.
Susan Cooper: Boyanov’s boat is at the end!
[Bradley gets to Boyanov’s boat as his men are shooting at him]
Bradley Fine: Uh, no keys, Coop.
Susan Cooper: The panel’s on the lower left under the steering wheel. You can hotwire it.
[as Bradley tries to get to the wire the men keep shooting at the steering wheel]
Bradley Fine: I can’t get to the wires!
Susan Cooper: Okay, then stay down and hold your ears!
Bradley Fine: How will I hear your beautiful voice?
Susan Cooper: Stop being adorable and get down!
[Susan makes a phone call]
Susan Cooper: Lock on coordinates 43.16547, 27.94654, and fire, now.
[there’s an explosion near Boyanov’s boat which knocks down the men shooting at Bradley, giving him enough diversion to get away on the boat]
[as he’s getting away in Boyanov’s boat]
Bradley Fine: Close one! Nice drone work, Coop! I could kiss you.
[Susan laughs shyly]
Susan Cooper: Oh! Well, I would accept that with an open mouth.
Bradley Fine: Soon as I’m back, dinner is on me. Great work, Coop. Hey, pick up my dry cleaning for me, would you? Also, get my car.
Susan Cooper: Oh, sure. No problem.
Bradley Fine: Oh, and I have to fire my gardener. He keeps running over the sprinkler heads with the mower. Can you cut him loose for me?
Susan Cooper: Um, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. You kidding? I’d love it.
Bradley Fine: You’re the best. Smell you later, pal.
Susan Cooper: God. Poor Jaime.
[later as Cooper tries to fire Bradley’s gardener]
Susan Cooper: The thing is, Jaime, that, um, uh…
[she notices Jaime’s t-shirt which has a photo of his children on it]
Susan Cooper: Oh! These your, these your children? Your children, here?
Jaime the Gardener: Yeah, I have children.
Susan Cooper: I just have to cover those eyes. They’re looking right at me. Um…
Jaime the Gardener: Please, don’t fire me.
Susan Cooper: No. Jaime, I would never. This is more of a review.
[feeling relieved, Jaime starts dancing with Susan]
Susan Cooper: Ooh. Oh, Jaime. Yes.
[she joins in awkwardly as Jaime starts to sing]
Susan Cooper: The lawnmower. Oh.
[they stars waltzing towards the lawnmower]
Susan Cooper: Right to that lawnmower.
[we see Susan mowing Bradley’s lawn as Jaime attends to the bushes, he waves to her]
Susan Cooper: Oh, you’re a killer, Susan.
[Susan is at a French restaurant with Bradley, as he’s talking in French to the waiter she notices the waiter place a dish containing what looks like two scallops on the table]
Susan Cooper: These look delicious.
[she picks one up, places it in her mouth and starts eating it]
Susan Cooper: I don’t want to be critical, but this is very chewy.
Bradley Fine: Coop, you’re eating a hand towel.
[with awkward embarrassment she takes out the towel from her mouth]
Susan Cooper: Just, uh, cleansing my palette.
[jokingly, referring to the very posh looking restaurant]
Susan Cooper: Jeez. You had to take me to such a dump?
Susan Cooper: Come on, cheapskate!
Bradley Fine: Burger King was booked up.
[Susan shrieks in laughter loudly, making the people in the restaurant look at her]
Susan Cooper: Sorry. I’m having dinner with Gallagher over here. Guard your fruit!
Susan Cooper: You could. You’re funny. Your timing is perfect.
Bradley Fine: Never as funny as you, Super Cooper.
[making a toast]
Bradley Fine: To another successful mission.
Susan Cooper: Go team.
Bradley Fine: Go team. Hey, I’ve been thinking.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: I couldn’t do what I do without you. And I’ve been thinking about doing something special for you. So…
[he places a small jewelry black box on the table]
Susan Cooper: Good gravy, Fine.
[she takes the box, opens it and finds a cheap looking cupcake necklace with eyes on it]
Susan Cooper: Oh. That’s…
Bradley Fine: It’s a crazy cupcake!
[Susan laughs awkwardly]
Bradley Fine: You love cakes.
Susan Cooper: Well, I’m not a big cake, I make cakes. Yes, I see the connection.
Bradley Fine: Now you can wear a cake.
Susan Cooper: How did you know I don’t care for traditional jewelry? I can’t seem to stop looking at it, and it can’t stop looking at me.
Bradley Fine: Imagine how awkward it would’ve been if it’d been a diamond ring or something.
Susan Cooper: Ooh, not a diamond ring! No! Well, I would’ve had to say, “I don’t want to marry you!” I don’t want your muscly arms and hands rubbing my back with Nivea for the rest of my life. And our three kids run in, you know? Karen, Tommy and Billy, and we’d say, “Get out of here!” And they’d just all have that beautiful jaw, and sky-blue eyes, and a full mouth. I mean, no, thank you.
Susan Cooper: I’ll just, you know, I’ll just…
[she closes the box]
Susan Cooper: Can you give me a little jewelry I can actually wear?
Bradley Fine: Not going to wear it?
Susan Cooper: Yes. Yeah. I was just saving it. I mean…
Bradley Fine: Put it on!
[with trepidation she opens the box and takes out the necklace]
Susan Cooper: Look at that. Wow, that’s a…
Bradley Fine: That is an adjustable toggle.
Susan Cooper: Adjustable toggle. You don’t, you don’t see that with a lot of jewelry.
[she puts the necklace on and Bradley laughs]
Bradley Fine: It’s so you.
Susan Cooper: Is it? Wow, perfect.
[as another restaurant patron looks at her with disapproval]
Susan Cooper: Oh, somebody’s jealous.
Bradley Fine: Seriously, I couldn’t do what I do without you, in my earpiece.
Susan Cooper: I could never do what you do. Can you imagine me as a spy?
Bradley Fine: Oh, my God. Out in the field.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: With a gun!
Susan Cooper: What?
Bradley Fine: “Hi, terrorists. Oh, golly!”
[he mimics shooting himself in the head with a gun]
Bradley Fine: “Oh, I shot myself!”
Susan Cooper: Whoops!
Bradley Fine: “I meant to shoot you, not me!”
Susan Cooper: That’s probably what I’d say. I’d be like, “Hey!” You know, “Terrorists, you better watch out, or I’ll make you a chocolate cake. Do you like chocolate? Well, then I’ll make you a vanilla.”
Susan Cooper: I mean, they would never let me be a spy. I can’t even dress like a spy. I mean, you know, look at you and you’re tailored. You’re, everything is cut right. And mine, it’s like a lumpy pumpkin sack dress.
Bradley Fine: Oh, come…
Susan Cooper: It doesn’t even have a label. It does not have a label, and I think my mom made it…
Bradley Fine: No, stop.
Susan Cooper: I should get on my hands and knees and start scooping.
Bradley Fine: Good God. Go easy on yourself.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Bradley Fine: We’re a perfect team. That’s why we work.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: Come here. Come here. Close.
[Susan gets up and leans in close across their table]
Bradley Fine: I think you’re getting pinkeye.
Susan Cooper: What? No.
Bradley Fine: Right there.
Susan Cooper: No, that’s not…
Bradley Fine: Did you wipe your eye after you cleaned out the cat box?
Susan Cooper: I don’t have cats.
Bradley Fine: Why did I think that?
Susan Cooper: I don’t know.
Bradley Fine: You should get some, they’re good company.
[Susan smiles sadly at him]
[Langley, Virginia – the CIA boss, Elaine Crocker, briefs the agents about Bradley’s mission and Boyanov’s nuclear weapon]
Elaine Crocker: We’ve intercepted chatter that the weapon is still being offered to the highest bidder. Someone other than Boyanov knows where that nuke is.
Susan Cooper: It’s probably his daughter, Rayna. She’s really the only person he’s trusted.
Elaine Crocker: Jesus, Cooper, do you have pinkeye? Go home, you’re going to infect everybody.
Bradley Fine: [quietly] Told yah.
Susan Cooper: No, it’s not pinkeye, ma’am. It’s just, I’m having a bit of an allergic reaction.
Elaine Crocker: Well, I’m allergic to disgusting childhood illnesses, so stay away from me.
Susan Cooper: Sorry.
Elaine Crocker: Anyway, you’re right. After Boyanov’s death, Rayna went to a safety deposit box at a DSK bank in Varna. The chatter picked up later that night.
Bradley Fine: What do we know about her?
Susan Cooper: I can pull up her file.
[as Susan gets up from her chair her cardigan gets stuck on the chair]
Susan Cooper: Oh, that’s stuck. It’s just a little warm in here.
[she takes off her cardigan and goes over to Crocker’s computer]
Susan Cooper: Pull up my file…
Elaine Crocker: Jesus! Not my keyboard with your pinkeye-infected fingers! Why don’t you just cry directly into my mouth while you’re at it?
Susan Cooper: It really is just an allergic reaction…
Elaine Crocker: Sit down! I’ll do it.
Susan Cooper: Okay, I’m going to go sit down.
Elaine Crocker: Rayna Boyanov. Majored in international law at Oxford, top of her class. Been living in London for the past ten years. Now we know she has been communicating with the heads of several terrorist organizations. Most ominously, Solsa Dudaev, the al-Qaeda-funded leader of the Chechen Martyrs’ Brigade. We have compelling evidence that he has the machinery in place to get that nuke to New York in time for next week’s UN General Assembly.
Bradley Fine: I’m already packed.
Elaine Crocker: One of our sources was told she’s taken up residence outside of Sofia. Go get her.
[Bradley gets up, and turns to Susan as he leaves]
Bradley Fine: Grab my things, Coop.
[Susan goes to grab Bradley’s things from the table]
Elaine Crocker: Jesus, Cooper, go put on some sunglasses or something. I feel like you’re a Gypsy cursing me with it.
[covering her pinkeye]
Susan Cooper: Yep, I’m on it.
[after the meeting Susan rushes over to catch up with Bradley]
Susan Cooper: Oh, Fine? Hi.
Bradley Fine: Hey, Super Cooper.
[Bradley puts his arm around her and pulls her in close]
Susan Cooper: Oh! Um, I just was feeling a little weird, you know, about…
Bradley Fine: Oh, yeah?
Susan Cooper: Some of the stuff, and I think the intel, you know, on Rayna’s location seems a little too easy. I just, something doesn’t feel right.
Bradley Fine: It’ll be right when we get Rayna behind bars and that nuke back in our hands.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, sure. I just, I don’t know, all my alarm bells are going off with this one.
Bradley Fine: Really? Well, then, it’s okay because I have a plan.
[Bradley touches Susan’s face]
Bradley Fine: You and I got to stop going on these awful missions. Run off together.
Susan Cooper: Do you mean that?
Bradley Fine: What? Do I mean that? You got me. You kidder.
[Susan tries to down play it and act like what she said was a joke]
Susan Cooper: You sucker! No. You should have seen your face! You were like…
[Bradley gets into the elevator]
Susan Cooper: Fine, I’m sorry if I…
Bradley Fine: Don’t be. God, I admire you.
[Susan is at a bar with her friend Nancy discussing her last conversation with Bradley]
Nancy B. Artingstall: “I admire you”? Well, did he at least say it in a flirty tone that says: “And because of my admiration, I shall now take my shirt off “and penetrate ye”?
Susan Cooper: No. The only way he’d invite me to his bedroom is if he wants me to fix his bed. I’m so stupid. Can I just have a sip of your wine?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Mm-hmm.
[Susan taker her glass]
Nancy B. Artingstall: It’s quite buttery.
[Susan downs the whole drink in the glass]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow. Okay, we could order you your own glass. That was mine!
Susan Cooper: My life is a disaster.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, it’s not.
Susan Cooper: I’m 40, I live by myself. I haven’t been in a real relationship since Jerry left me three years ago.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Well, Jerry was a jackass.
Susan Cooper: And when I gave up teaching to join the CIA, I thought everything was going to be different. I thought I was going to be this amazing spy. I’m just the same boring person I was before.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re brilliant as you are. You’re exciting. Come on, let’s cheer you up. Okay. My nephew loves this. Alright.
[she places her napkin in front to her face, pulls down to reveal her smiling in a goofy way]
Susan Cooper: Okay. Thanks. Isn’t your nephew three?
[when Nancy pulls the same goofy smile to cheer her up]
Susan Cooper: My God, that’s the same face.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, this will be different.
Susan Cooper: Exactly the same face.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This will be different. This will be different.
[she places the napkin in front of her face again]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Ready? Ready? Ready? Aah…
[she does the same goofy smile when she pulls the napkin down]
Susan Cooper: That’s the exact same thing.
Nancy B. Artingstall: How is that the same thing? There was a little bit of tongue there.
Susan Cooper: Please stop. That’s not cheering me up.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? I’m glad you said that to Fine. I am, because you play it too safe.
Susan Cooper: I just, I still hear my mom’s voice, “Well-behaved women often make history.”
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes, you do know the phrase is, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
Susan Cooper: Yeah. That’s never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others?
Susan Cooper: Oh, “Just blend in.” “Let somebody else win.”
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan Cooper: I got that a lot in high school.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yep.
Susan Cooper: And there was, uh, “Give up on your dreams, Susan.” She used to write that in my lunchbox.
[referring to another agent, Karen Walker, as she walks into the bar talking to some men]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I mean, look, okay? What’s really so different between us and Karen Walker?
Susan Cooper: Um, I think literally everything.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, hang on. No, because you were just as good as her at the Academy.
Susan Cooper: She’s had more successful missions than even Fine.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, she’s the worst. Look at her, she thinks she’s so perfect, doesn’t she? “Oh, hi, I’m Karen Walker, super spy.” Perfect hair. Perfect face. She probably cries herself to sleep every night.
Susan Cooper: I don’t think she probably does.
Nancy B. Artingstall: She probably does. And not, like, sort of cute, little tears. Like, really sort of, you know, silent, kind of big.
[starts mimicking doing big tears crying]
Susan Cooper: I don’t think that’s what…
Nancy B. Artingstall: Like a sort of upside down kidney bean. “This is what I look like when I’m asleep.”
[as Nancy continues to make fun of Karen crying]
Susan Cooper: Shut up, be quiet.
Nancy B. Artingstall: She won’t know who we are. She’s so full of herself.
[just then Karen comes over to them]
Karen Walker: Hi. Hey, Nancy. Hi, Susan.
Susan, Nancy: Hi!
Karen Walker: Look at you two cuties sitting here being all cute.
Susan Cooper: Aw! Oh, you.
[Karen turns to the bartender]
Karen Walker: Can I have an Old Fashioned, please?
Nancy B. Artingstall: The service is really slow.
Susan Cooper: Super slow.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Good luck getting that in the next hour.
Alan the Bartender: Here you go, Miss Walker.
[hands Karen her drink]
Karen Walker: Thank you.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow.
Karen Walker: Alan and I go way back. I come here all the time.
Susan Cooper: So do we. Right, Alan?
[the bartender ignores her]
Susan Cooper: Hey, Alan. Alan!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Big A! Big A!
Susan Cooper: Woo-hoo! Al! We got a whole…
Alan the Bartender: Miss Walker, are these two bothering you?
Karen Walker: Oh, no, thank you. They’re fine.
Alan the Bartender: Okay.
Susan, Nancy: Alan!
Karen Walker: He’s the sweetest.
Susan Cooper: He totally pretends not to know.
Nancy B. Artingstall: He’s funny.
Susan Cooper: It’s a game.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yeah.
Karen Walker: Well, anyway, I’m taking some time off, so I’ll see you guys when I get back.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Where are you going?
Karen Walker: Capri.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Capri.
Susan Cooper: Capri.
Karen Walker: Yeah, I believe it’s “Cahpri.” That’s how the locals say it, anyway.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Karen Walker: Yeah. I wish I could just stick around here, you know? Curl up with a good book. But I have a yacht full of friends waiting for me.
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Karen Walker: Yachts are the worst. They seem so glamorous, but…
Susan Cooper: They’re the worst.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Boo, yachts.
Karen Walker: Anyhoo, I’ll see you guys when I get back, all freckled and tan.
Susan Cooper: We’re going to see you.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yeah.
Karen Walker: Bye.
Susan, Nancy: Bye!
[as Karen turns to leave Nancy blows a raspberry, Karen stops and looks at them]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, sorry. Susan’s ill. It’s her stomach.
[Karen walks off]
[after Karen leaves them]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Thank you for that. Why would you do that?
Nancy B. Artingstall: I panicked.
Susan Cooper: What a great moment.
[they turns to see Karen standing by a group of men getting her cigarette lit]
Susan Cooper: Just look at her.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, I know. That dress.
Susan Cooper: Look at that confidence. You’re not even allowed to smoke in here. I’m going to go home.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, come on.
Susan Cooper: Yes.
[Susan gets up to leave]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan.
[as Susan walks past Karen]
Karen Walker: Feel better.
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank you. Yeah.
[on the night of the their mission after breaks into Rayna’s house]
Bradley Fine: No security. Her father would never have left himself this exposed.
Susan Cooper: Pull back, Fine. This is too easy.
Bradley Fine: I like things that are easy.
[suddenly he’s attacked my two of Rayna’s men but Bradley quickly knocks them out]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Fine! I don’t know how you do things like that.
Bradley Fine: Hey. Who’s the finest of them all?
[suddenly Rayna comes up from behind a puts her gun to the back of Bradley’s head]
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t know. I’m guessing you? Drop your weapon.
Susan Cooper: Fine, what’s happening?
Rayna Boyanov: Let me guess. Whoever is in your ear wants to know what’s happening?
[Rayna whispers into Bradley’s earpiece]
Rayna Boyanov: He’s about to die. That’s what.
[Bradley turns to face Rayna]
Bradley Fine: An awfully big gun for such a little girl.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, don’t say stuff like that. Okay, there’s a knife rack directly to your right. The way she’s holding the gun, she’s not experienced. If you duck and lunge, you can get the knife and disarm her.
Rayna Boyanov: Did someone just suggest that you grab one of those knives?
[just then Bradley’s camera goes out]
Susan Cooper: No, no, no, no! Dammit! Fine!
[Bradley’s camera comes back up still showing Rayna pointing her gun at Bradley]
Rayna Boyanov: Can they see me right now? Let me adjust the angle a little bit.
[she suddenly shoots]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Fine.
[Rayna’s face comes back up on Bradley’s camera]
Rayna Boyanov: His name was Bradley Fine, he worked for the CIA. Other top agents include Matthew Wright, Timothy Cress, Rick Ford and Karen Walker.
Susan Cooper: Come on, Fine. Come on.
Rayna Boyanov: I know who all your active agents are. So, unless you’d like the body count to grow, I suggest you stay far away from me. Now grab some tissues, because shit’s about to get real sad.
[she points the gun at what seems like Bradley’s head again]
Bradley Fine: No, no…!
[Rayna shoots again and the camera goes out]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Fine.
[Susan is sat at her desk going through Fine’s las footage when Crocker comes over to her]
Elaine Crocker: Susan, I got your assessment report on Rayna Boyanov. I know you’re probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term “thundercunt.”
[she places the file on Susan’s desk and walks off]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. I didn’t realize I wrote that. I’m sorry.
[Crocker is holding a meeting with the other agents]
Rick Ford: How the fuck did this twat find out our fucking names?
Elaine Crocker: We don’t know. And dial it way back with the “T” word, Ford. You’re not immune from the HR department.
Rick Ford: Grow up. And “twat” means something completely different in England.
Matthew Wright: Well here it means a vagina. Anyway, obviously we’re talking about a mole.
Elaine Crocker: It could be a mole, they could have hacked our system. It’s anyone’s guess. The bottom line is Rayna Boyanov is about to sell a small-scale tactical nuclear weapon to a terrorist organization and we don’t know where she or the bomb is. Now fortunately, our analyst Susan Cooper found a lead. Rayna had the number of Sergio De Luca and we’ve long suspected De Luca of working as an intermediary with terrorist groups. Rayna may be using him to find buyers for the nuke. The number was to an office he keeps in Paris.
Rick Ford: I told you to send me in there instead of Fine, and you didn’t. And now Fine is dead. I’m going the fuck in!
Elaine Crocker: You can’t. We need someone to follow De Luca without being detected and that will hopefully take us to Rayna, but it can’t be any of you.
Rick Ford: Here’s what we do, I go into the Face/Off machine, get a whole new face. I turn up, they never know it’s me.
Elaine Crocker: Do you have quarters? Because it costs fifty cents.
Rick Ford: What, I got to pay?
Elaine Crocker: No, because it doesn’t exist.
Rick Ford: Yes, it does! I heard Cress and Wright talking about it in the shitter.
[Cress and Wright try to hide their laughter]
Elaine Crocker: I’m pretty sure they were pulling your leg.
Rick Ford: You pair of fucking vaginas!
Elaine Crocker: Seriously? You’ve got to cut that out.
Timothy Cress: Look, one of us has to go in. Doesn’t matter if we’ve been exposed. We’ve all gone deep before, and we’ve always gotten our guy.
Elaine Crocker: Guys, this is more than just a kill mission. Now we can get Rayna, De Luca, and some top terrorist leadership and get the weapon back if we do this right. We just need someone who can shadow them without attracting attention. We need someone invisible.
Susan Cooper: I’ll do it.
Rick Ford: Uh, okay. Thanks, lunch lady.
Susan Cooper: I’m serious. I have never been out in the field.
Rick Ford: Exactly. Stupid fucking idea.
Susan Cooper: My point is that it’s highly doubtful that I’ve ever been exposed.
Elaine Crocker: But you worked with Fine. They may have a record of you, too.
Susan Cooper: Possibly. But, you know, the odds of them knowing my face are very low.
Susan Cooper: Miss Crocker, I would really like to do this. For Fine.
Rick Ford: I mean, what are you going to do? Bring one of your cats as a sidekick?
Susan Cooper: I don’t have any cats!
Rick Ford: You’re not seriously considering this, are you?
[Crocker holds up her hand]
Rick Ford: Look here, Betty…
Elaine Crocker: Ford, if you call me Betty Crocker, I will rip your fucking heart out of your chest.
Rick Ford: Not only did I become a citizen and take a vow to protect this country, I also took a vow to avenge my fallen comrades. We all fucking did.
Timothy Cress: No, I didn’t.
Matthew Wright: Not me.
Rick Ford: I’m pretty sure we all took a fucking vow. I remember it. I remember raising my fucking hand and saying some shit. And if you think I’m going to sit by and let you send in a fucking secretary to do my work, you might as well accept my resignation now.
Susan Cooper: If I can jump in, I am technically, uh, classified as an agent.
Rick Ford: Look…
Susan Cooper: Full agent. So…
[pointing to the others in the room and then to herself]
Susan Cooper: Agent, agent, agent.
Rick Ford: Are you considering this?
Elaine Crocker: For your safety, and the safety of those around this table, I am considering it.
Rick Ford: Then consider this, I quit.
[he gets up to leave]
Rick Ford: And I know there’s a fucking Face/Off machine! You’re just keeping it secret from me.
[Ford leaves in anger]
Elaine Crocker: That hasn’t happened before.
[Susan is sat in Crocker’s office]
Susan Cooper: It is quite a lovely office.
Elaine Crocker: What’s your deal, Cooper?
Susan Cooper: What do you mean?
Elaine Crocker: You got a fiery side?
Susan Cooper: I really did, in that report, mean to write “cunning.”
Elaine Crocker: I’ve been going over your files. You were top of your class at the Academy, in all computer and support skills. No surprise there. But you have a certain tame demeanor around the office, that says you’ve never even held a gun. So imagine my surprise when I saw footage from this drill back at The Farm.
[Crocker shows Susan footage of her when she was training to be an agent]
Susan Cooper: Is that, I can’t even, is that me? I can’t really… Somebody definitely sped this up. Ooh! Camera angle and stuff make…
[the footage shows Susan going wild, throwing things around and hitting her colleagues]
Elaine Crocker: Ouch.
Susan Cooper: Out of context, that’s, you know…
Elaine Crocker: I must have watched this fifteen times now because what the fuck?
Susan Cooper: Well, I…
Elaine Crocker: I almost put it up on YouTube.
Susan Cooper: Well, I was, to say the least, uncomfortable with the event. But I would also like to say, it was over ten years ago. The instructor was not harmed.
Elaine Crocker: Fine was your mentor, right?
Susan Cooper: Yes.
Elaine Crocker: Why did you not become a field agent?
Susan Cooper: Well, we’re such a great fit and a great team. Fine made some great points. You know, maybe I match better with, uh, just staying…
Elaine Crocker: In his ear.
Susan Cooper: Well…
Elaine Crocker: Yeah, he sniped you. All the top agents used to do that before I got here.
Susan Cooper: I really thought he made some great points.
Elaine Crocker: Women.
Elaine Crocker: Alright, have you had any field training since then? Ten years is a long time.
Susan Cooper: No, ma’am.
Elaine Crocker: Normally, I would send you back to The Farm, but there’s no time and I can’t take a chance of anyone leaking your name.
[Susan looks excited]
Susan Cooper: Am I going?
Elaine Crocker: You’re going.
Susan Cooper: Okay. Jeez. Sorry.
Elaine Crocker: But it’s a track and report mission only.
Susan Cooper: Got it.
Elaine Crocker: We’ll be giving you a new identity. You’ll no longer be Susan Cooper. You’re new name…
Susan Cooper: Ooh, I had a few, uh, ideas for that. I was just spitballing and I thought: Seraphina, Maddox, Gisele…
Elaine Crocker: Carol Jenkins.
Susan Cooper: Carol Jenkins.
Susan Cooper: You know, If I may, ma’am, there was a thirteen year-old girl named Carol that used to kind of take me around the neighborhood and use my braid as a dog leash and make me beg for biscuits. So, I…
Elaine Crocker: Carol Jenkins.
[Crocker hands Susan an envelope containing details of her new identity]
Susan Cooper: Yes. Carol Jenkins, huh?
Elaine Crocker: Carol Jenkins is a single mother of four, temporarily relocated from Delaware to increase sales for a software company.
Susan Cooper: Okay, that is a different occup…
[she opens up the wallet with to look at her ID photo and another one with her four kids]
Elaine Crocker: Is there a problem?
Susan Cooper: No. I was just wondering if this was my family, or if I had taken hostages. I’m just not sure how De Luca is going to take me seriously if I look like this.
Elaine Crocker: De Luca is not going to take you anything. In case you did not hear me you are not to make direct contact with any of the targets. Track and report.
Elaine Crocker: Now we’re setting you up in a surveillance office across the street from De Luca’s. You’ll be tapped into the same telecom trunk and have access to voice and data coming into his office, and that is as sexy as it gets. One mistake, and we’ve got a nuclear bomb in the hands of terrorists. Do you understand?
Susan Cooper: Yes.
Elaine Crocker: Go see Patrick, he’s got special equipment for you.
[Susan walks out of Crocker’s office and says quietly to herself]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. What are you doing?
[Susan and Nancy are on their way to meet with Patrick]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, did you come up with your spy name yet? Mine would be “Amber Valentine.”
Susan Cooper: That sounds like you’re an adult film star.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, I did the spy name formula. Amber was the name of my first pet, and I grew up on Valentine Street.
Susan Cooper: That’s how you come up with your porn name.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, no. I thought it was your spy name!
Susan Cooper: No!
Nancy B. Artingstall: What would yours be?
Susan Cooper: Uh, “Meatball Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.” Yeah.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow.
[Susan and Nancy meet with Patrick]
Patrick: I was given specific instructions by Elaine to tailor these gadgets to you.
[they look down to see some cool looking guns, watches and other gadgets]
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow, look at that watch.
Patrick: These are not yours.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh.
[Patrick holds up a whistle]
Susan Cooper: Is that a rape whistle?
Patrick: Elaine wanted you to only be carrying items a single woman traveling through Europe would have.
Nancy B. Artingstall: But she could get that at any pharmacy.
Patrick: Not this whistle. When you blow through this whistle, a small, poisonous dart flies out neutralizing your target. Also, it needs your fingerprints on it to work.
Susan Cooper: Okay. That is really neat!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Stop it, that’s amazing.
Susan Cooper: That is really super cool!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I love that!
Patrick: This anti-fungal spray can freeze and disable any security system.
[he holds up the spray can with an image of toenail with fungus]
Susan Cooper: Wow. That is quite an image to be carrying all over Europe.
Patrick: It’s also a pepper spray.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Why not just make it look like pepper spray?
Patrick: That’s a pretty good idea. Well, next time.
Susan Cooper: Well, I can wait, if you want to print up a new label.
Patrick: No, I’d have to turn the printer on again. I don’t really want to.
Patrick: Each of these are filled with chloroform.
[he holds up a packet of wipes]
Susan Cooper: Wow, that is an unsettling amount of hemorrhoid wipes. Makes me kind of wonder what, exactly is going on back there.
Patrick: I wouldn’t know, I don’t have that problem.
Susan Cooper: I don’t have that problem.
Patrick: If you ever feel like you have been poisoned, chew one of these.
[he holds up a bottle with the label “stool softener laxative”]
Susan Cooper: Have I done something to you to upset you or…?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Because this is a peculiar theme.
Patrick: Finally, every agent gets a night vision scope hidden in their watch.
[he hands Susan a watch]
Susan Cooper: Okay, I have heard about this. I’ve been looking…
[she looks down at the watch and sees it has an image of Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey from the movie Beaches]
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Who’s that?
Susan Cooper: That is Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey. From Beaches.
Susan Cooper: How much am I supposed to like Beaches?
Patrick: I would imagine a lot if you have the watch.
Patrick: I’ve already packed your bags. Hurry up and get dressed. Carol Jenkins has to get to the airport immediately.
[he hands Susan bag containing her wig]
Patrick: And may I say, I think it’s very brave of you to sacrifice your life for your country.
Susan Cooper: Oh, I’m not sacrifi…I’m coming back.
Patrick: Let’s see.
[getting ready to leave Susan is reluctantly wearing her Carol Jenkins outfit and wig]
Nancy B. Artingstall: You look amazing, Susan.
Susan Cooper: I look like someone’s homophobic aunt!
[Paris, France – Susan is taken to a seedy looking motel in a rough area in Paris]
Susan Cooper: Keep it together, Susan, okay?
[as she enters her room she puts her earpiece in]
Susan Cooper: Nancy? Please tell me you can hear me.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m here, I’m here. I’ve got you.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’ll be pleased to hear the bats have officially gone. We are now vermin free.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Did you get your gun, Carol?
Susan Cooper: Yes, and don’t call me that. Oh, my God. Cripes. I think I’m having a heart attack. I can’t do this, Nancy. Fine was the real spy, not me!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Don’t worry. I’m here for you, okay? Everything is going to be fine. I’m going to talk you through this, alright? Put your camera in, I want to see your room.
Susan Cooper: No, you don’t. It’s that bad. Martha Stewart had a breakdown, kind of feel.
[Susan puts her contact lens camera into her eye and Nancy can now see the room]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh. Wow. Looks like they put you up in The Shitz-Carlton.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Hey, listen, try and get some sleep, okay, and we’ll get started first thing in the morning.
Susan Cooper: I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see that Rayna woman. I want her dead for what she did to Fine.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay. Deep breaths. Listen to me, you’re not going to get anywhere near her, so there’s nothing to worry about. Okay?
[suddenly she sees a rat running along her PC monitor]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, God. Really?
Sharon: Guys, there’s a mouse on my tits.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I think you’re safer there.
Susan Cooper: Alright. Good night.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Night.
[later on as Susan tries to positive talk to herself as she gets ready for bed]
Susan Cooper: You’re a warrior. You’re a weapon. Okay? This is no sweat.
[suddenly she hears Ford’s voice]
Rick Ford: Looks like you’re sweating to me.
Susan Cooper: Jesus!
[Ford puts on the side lamp to reveal he’s sitting in Susan’s room]
Susan Cooper: What are you doing in my room?
Rick Ford: What, how did I get into this shit-box hotel room? Because I’m a real spy.
Susan Cooper: I thought you quit.
Rick Ford: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb and they send in someone who looks like Santa Claus’ fucking wife.
Susan Cooper: Did you forget? I am undercover, because you’re not supposed to be here.
Rick Ford: Well I make a habit of doing things that people say I can’t do. Walk through fire, water-ski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age, and I’m going to take down De Luca and Rayna and Dudaev and I’m going to get that bomb back.
Susan Cooper: Why do you even care what I do?
Rick Ford: You really think you’re ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I’ve pulled shards of glass out of my fucking eye. I’ve jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing. And I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I’ve swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and reattached with this fucking arm.
Susan Cooper: I don’t know that that’s possible. I mean, medically.
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt I appeared, convincingly, in front of Congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In blackface? That’s not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the couple that raised me explode in a van. I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane, midair. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while I was on fire. Not the car. I was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you’re intense.
[he takes a swig from a small bottle]
Rick Ford: I took this from your minibar.
Susan Cooper: Well, that’s not right.
[as Ford walks out of Susan’s room]
Rick Ford: You’re going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, you’re going to ruin this mission.
[Ford starts walking down the dark hallway]
Rick Ford: No. You are.
Susan Cooper: No, you’re going to!
Rick Ford: You, times infinity.
Susan Cooper: Ah…could this hotel be more murdery?
[the next morning Susan finds De Luca’s office building has burned down]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. Tell me that’s not De Luca’s building?
Nancy B. Artingstall: De Luca must have known we were coming.
Susan Cooper: What am I supposed to do now?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, don’t panic. Lemonade out of lemons. Stay focused, we can do this.
[Susan walks over to a man sweeping the street and addresses him in French]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me, please. When was that fire?
Shopkeeper: Last night. Quite a blaze. Look.
[he shows her the photos he’s taken on his phone]
Susan Cooper: May I?
Shopkeeper: Go ahead, go ahead.
[Susan looks at the photos and notices a man watching the building burn]
Susan Cooper: Does that man live on this street?
Shopkeeper: No, I do not know him.
[back at CIA headquarters Nancy gets screenshot of the man in the photo]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, I’ve got it. I’ll run it through the system. It will take a few minutes.
[Susan enters a nearby cafe and takes a seat; referring to the man in the photo]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Nothing’s coming up. Might just be a looky-loo.
Susan Cooper: Well keep looking, I’ve got a feeling about this guy.
[suddenly she hears Ford’s voice]
Rick Ford: Well I’ve got a feeling you’re about to fuck things up.
[Ford turns to look at Susan from the booth opposite to hers]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, bugger me with a fish pole. It’s Ford. Sharon, Ford’s in the field. Did you know this?
Sharon: Until he checks in, there’s nothing I can do.
[Ford joins Susan at her table]
Susan Cooper: You go make some friends, and stop stalking me!
Rick Ford: Was it your mission to tip off the target so he burns everything in advance? If so, well done. Phenomenal job.
Susan Cooper: I’m sure they got suspicious because they’ve been seeing you all over the place. You’re going to get yourself killed.
Rick Ford: Nothing kills me. I’m immune to a hundred and seventy-nine different types of poison. I know, because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground, poison-ingesting crime ring.
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Rick Ford: It was like dog fighting. But instead of dogs fighting, it was humans ingesting poison and rich people would bet whether we would live or die.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, I’m having a hard time with this one.
Rick Ford: I died for five minutes, and then I came back to life.
[referring to Ford’s flat cap and raincoat which he’s wearing]
Nancy B. Artingstall: What’s he wear…? He looks like he’s in the cast of Newsies.
Susan Cooper: Does Crocker even know you’re here?
Rick Ford: I don’t need anyone’s permission to save the country and avenge my dear friend Bradley Fine’s death.
Susan Cooper: You didn’t even like him. You used to call him Beverly Wine! You had him as Secret Santa and you gave him tampons!
Rick Ford: It’s called the rivalry of men, and you wouldn’t understand. Unless you’ve got a dong up underneath that skirt.
Susan Cooper: Okay, that is super rude, and don’t say “dong”, and don’t do that!
[she points her finger up like Ford had just done]
Rick Ford: Nobody sees me when I don’t want them to. I move like a fucking shadow.
[as he moves to get out of his seat he bumps into the oncoming waiter]
Nancy B. Artingstall: He’s gone all sorts of rogue. Sharon says he really did quit, Elaine couldn’t stop him. He’s out for blood.
[Susan watches Ford leave with his backpack on his shoulder]
Susan Cooper: Yeah, real tough guy in his Louis Vuitton backpack.
[suddenly Susan notices the man in the fire photo earlier tailing Ford]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, do you see that? It’s the man from the fire. I’m following him.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, exciting! And I’m following you, following him, so I’m having quite a day, here.
[as she follows the man following Ford]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you think Ford’s leading him into a trap?
Susan Cooper: Idiot doesn’t even know he’s being followed.
[Susan sees Ford sitting down at a cafe and beautiful woman comes over to him]
Susan Cooper: Okay, he’s meeting with some woman. I don’t recognize her. You have any idea who she is?
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, it’s hard to make out. Can you get any closer?
[Susan sees the man from the fire swap Ford’s backpack with an identical one and walk off]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, our guy just switched out Ford’s backpack. It’s a setup.
[she sees Ford take the backpack and leave]
Susan Cooper: Uh, I got to go warn him!
[Susan chases after Ford to warn him about the backpack]
Susan Cooper: Ford! Ford!
[as she tries to get through the people]
Susan Cooper: Look out! I got to get through! I left my baby in the shop! Get out of the way! Let me through, I’m sick!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, tell them you’ve shat your pants. That would get me out of your way, for sure.
Susan Cooper: I’ve shat my pants!
[she carries on chasing after Ford]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me. Ford!
[just then the women Ford met up with notices Susan and makes a call]
Lia: He’s got a friend.
[Susan chases Ford as he walks through crowd of people gathered for a concert]
Susan Cooper: Ford!
[Susan notices the mics on stage and rushes up to grab one]
Susan Cooper: I need the mic!
[the group on stage starts to grab her thinking she’s a fan joining in]
Susan Cooper: No! I need… No! No, no, no!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, you’re meant to be blending in. What are you doing?
[Susan pushes one of the people on stage]
Susan Cooper: God! Move!
[she grabs the mic and as she shouts to warn Ford but her voice comes out electronic]
Susan Cooper: Rick Ford!
[Susan grabs the mic from the head singer]
Susan Cooper: Give me the mic!
[the singer starts to run away from her and Susan chases after him]
Susan Cooper: How are you doing this in heels?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, God.
[Susan finally grabs the mic and shouts to Ford]
Susan Cooper: Rick Ford! They switched the bag!
[Ford opens the bag and notices the bomb inside]
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck.
[Ford pushes past the people in the crowd]
Rick Ford: Get out of the fucking way! Move!
Susan Cooper: Get out of his way!
Rick Ford: Move!
[Ford throws the bomb into the river and it explodes at the same time the man that was following Ford takes a photo of Susan, blowing her cover]
Susan Cooper: Oh, no.
[Susan chases after the man that took her picture]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I’m in pursuit of one of the terrorists! He took my picture! He’s going to blow my cover!
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’re in pursuit? What in God’s name are you going to do if you catch him?
Susan Cooper: Knock him out with a hemorrhoid wipe. I don’t know! I’m just going to track him and report his location.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This all seems very Rick Fordy to me. I do not condone these sexy but reckless actions of yours, Susan!
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. He went into a building.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay. Well done. That’s it. Time to call it a day now. Location is officially noted.
Susan Cooper: I’m following him in.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What?
Susan Cooper: I’m doing this for Fine.
[Susan enters the building]
Susan Cooper: He’s at the top of the stairs.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, gosh, please be careful. You are incredibly out of your league. This is just like when I watched myself in a sex tape. There was just a lot of floundering and laughable moments.
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I need you to not talk until I ask you to.
[as Susan reaches the top part of the building the man she was following suddenly attacks her and knocks her down]
Susan Cooper: Oh, hey. Imagine running into you up here. I was just looking for my bird. Just looking… Hey, Mr. Beanbag! You like birds?
[the man takes out a knife]
Susan Cooper: Alright. Alright. I’m going to give you a warning. I don’t want to see any more of that funny bomb stuff, you know?
[the man takes a step forward, Susan takes out her gun and points it at him]
Susan Cooper: Alright. That’s enough. Drop the knife, or I’ll shoot.
Nicola: I don’t think you will. You see, it works better when you have the bullets inside the gun.
[he looks at the bullets lying on the ground behind Susan]
Nicola: I guess that CIA training isn’t what it used to be.
Susan Cooper: I guess you’re right, asshole.
[Susan suddenly starts hitting him, fends him off and then knocks him off the balcony]
Susan Cooper: No, no, no!
[he falls and is impaled by a rebar]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God! Oh, Susan, what did you do?
[horrified at seeing what she’s done she vomits down the balcony]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, not on him. Not on him!
[some of the vomit lands on the body, a shocked Susan drops the knife she took from the guy before he fell and it lands straight into his chest]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, why did I have that stew?
[suddenly Susan faints]
Elaine Crocker: Well, Rayna’s people obviously knew Ford was in Paris. And getting footage of a CIA operative setting off a bomb in public would be a PR coup for any terrorist group. Do we have anything on that woman he met?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Facial recognition isn’t showing anything.
Susan Cooper: They were all over Ford. Are you able to track him?
Elaine Crocker: Goddamn Ford is still off the grid in Paris. I know because he keeps trying to hack into our system for intel. He’s like a dog that gets loose from his yard and just keeps humping and shitting his way through the neighborhood.
[back in her hotel room Susan in going through the photos of the henchman she killed]
Elaine Crocker: Would be a lot easier if… Oh, my God!
[she comes across a photo of the guy holding his penis up close]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh!
Susan Cooper: Okay. Wow.
Sharon: Ford’s is bigger.
Susan Cooper: This is uncomfortable. Why do they always point at it? We can see it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Ooh. He’s dead though, isn’t he? Oh, that’s a waste.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. A video. I can only imagine what this is.
[after looking through the video footage they hear De Luca talking about “Renaldo”, Nancy finds out this is the name of a Rolls-Royce car in Rome]
Susan Cooper: I’m going to head to the airport.
Elaine Crocker: Forget it, Cooper. You’re coming back immediately.
Susan Cooper: Ma’am, I really think I can do this. And I’m not one to toot my own horn, but you know what? I’m going to toot and say that I just saved a lot of people. We are so close to getting Rayna and that bomb.
Elaine Crocker: Pull back the rug in the corner.
[Susan pulls back the rug in the corner of her hotel room and finds a box under the floor board]
Elaine Crocker: You’ll be given a new identity.
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank God.
[Susan opens the box and finds a cat t-shirt]
Susan Cooper: Oh, no!
Elaine Crocker: Your name is Penny Morgan. You’re a divorced housewife from Iowa. You’ve sold more Mary Kay products than anyone else in your state and you’ve traded in the free car you’ve won to fund a trip through Europe.
[reading from the information she finds in the box]
Susan Cooper: My hobbies are découpage and needlepoint. I collect porcelain dolls and I’m the vice president of the Ames Garden Club. I couldn’t even be president? Maybe I should just be married to one of the dolls just to make it extra sad. Ten cats. Wow. Why do I have ten cats? Is that even legal? You know, Fine always got to be a businessman. One time he was a race car driver.
[Susan looks through the wallet she’s been given and finds a photo of herself with the cats]
Susan Cooper: Well, there’s the ten cats. Just missing a shirt that says I’ve never felt the touch of a man.
Elaine Crocker: Oh, Cooper, you’re right. You did good work back there. That would have been a real mess.
Susan Cooper: Thank you, ma’am. You still went with the cat lady.
Elaine Crocker: It was already in the floor.
[Rome, Italy – Susan arrives dressed in her new identity clothes and wig, a group of guys drive by and wolf whistle two women standing on the sidewalk and look at Susan with disdain]
Susan Cooper: Great, that’s a real confidence builder.
[to Nancy through her earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Did you find De Luca?
Nancy B. Artingstall: He’s been at the Majestic Hotel, but he’s just left, heading south, okay? I’ll guide you to him. I’ve sent an ally to drive you. Elaine said nothing fancy, so I’ve gone with earthy.
[the Italian spy, Aldo, drives up to pick Susan]
Aldo: Hey! Ciao bella.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Aldo: Welcome to Rome!
Susan Cooper: Thank you.
[he grab Susan and kisses her on her cheeks then tries to kiss her mouth but Susan pushes him away]
Aldo: I’m Aldo. Like, uh, the shoe store found in American malls.
Susan Cooper: I’m Penny, like the penny.
Aldo: Like a penny! Or like penne alla vodka!
Susan Cooper: Okay.
[he smacks Susan on her ass playfully]
Susan Cooper: Did you just grab my butt?
Aldo: Yes. Come, we need to get you to De Luca.
[as Aldo drives them to the hotel like a mad man]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, are you sure this guy is even an agent?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Absolutely. No, he’s the best! He’s…he’s…
[looks at her screen]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh. No, there have been some complaints filed against him.
Susan Cooper: Watch the road, watch the road! Watch the road! Oh, my God! Watch the road!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow, Aldo’s making great time.
[as Aldo finally pulls up outside the hotel in one piece]
Susan Cooper: Ah! God!
Aldo: Intriguing lady, we are here. Now, you must go, because I fear if I stare into your beautiful green eyes a moment longer I will fall in love. Oh, too late.
Susan Cooper: My God, does that ever work?
Aldo: I will take that as…
Susan Cooper: That’s a no.
Aldo: A no.
Susan Cooper: Take that as a no.
[Susan gets out of the car and Aldo tries to attract the attention of a woman standing close by]
Susan Cooper: You know, you were just hitting on me.
Aldo: I like to play the odds.
Susan Cooper: Yeah. Well, good luck.
Aldo: Here is my phone number. Memorize it, then burn it. These people we are dealing with, they like to, um, how you say? Murder entire families.
Susan Cooper: Do you have something for me?
Aldo: Do I have something for you? Would you like something from me?
Susan Cooper: Not that.
Aldo: What do you want from me?
Susan Cooper: You’re supposed to have an envelope with my gun in it.
Aldo: I don’t have a gun. I am just aroused from looking at you.
[Susan just looks at him coldly]
Aldo: It was joke. There is no gun. They said you would no longer be needing one.
Susan Cooper: Good luck!
[he drives off]
[as she watches Aldo drive off]
Susan Cooper: Good gravy. Was Pepé Le Pew not available?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, stop complaining, Suzie. You’re getting more action than I have had in days. Months. Years. Three years and forty days.
Susan Cooper: Do we have an update on De Luca?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes, he should be pulling up right about now.
[De Luca’s car pulls over outside the casino ahead and he steps out]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, wow. He’s hot. I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t think I can be objective anymore. I’m rooting for that guy. I want him to win. I’m joking, Susan. Don’t report me.
[as she watches De Luca greet a woman and grab her ass]
Susan Cooper: He’s handsy.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Let’s set up camp in the pastry shop behind you. According to Aldo, De Luca spends all night in the casino.
Susan Cooper: I’m going in, Nancy.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, you heard Elaine. Track and report. No contact!
Susan Cooper: I’ll track De Luca inside and then I’ll report. And if he initiates contact with me, I’ll just, I’ll go with it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, your “cat lady” look is not going to fit in in there.
Susan Cooper: That’s why Penny Morgan is going to burn her cat t-shirt and spend some of that Mary Kay money.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This is full-blown rogue!
[Susan comes out of her hotel in a nice dress and looking all made up]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I really hope De Luca is still in there, for your sake. And they’re not going to reimburse you for all that. You should have gone to cheaper stores, Susan.
Susan Cooper: Okay, I’m going offline, Nancy.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, wait, wait, wait! Susan!
[Susan walks up the steps to the casino; to the guards standing outside the casino]
Susan Cooper: Well, buongiorno, boys! If I’m not out in ten minutes, it’s because I won the place.
[to one of the guards who’s bald]
Susan Cooper: Let me just rub that for luck.
[she rubs his scalp]
Susan Cooper: Ooh, that’s an oily…that’s an oily scalp.
[as Susan enters the casino]
Casino Hostess: I’m sorry, but I have to check you in. Your name, please?
Susan Cooper: Uh, Penny Morgan.
Casino Hostess: I don’t see you on the list. I’m so sorry.
Rick Ford: She’s with me.
[Susan turns and sees Ford]
Rick Ford: Darling, you’re late. The way you look, I’d say it was more than worth the wait. Come, let’s get a drink.
[he takes her arm and squeezes it as they walk off]
Susan Cooper: Ow, ow.
Casino Hostess: Such a gentleman.
Rick Ford: You look absolutely stunning tonight here, darling.
Rick Ford: What the fuck are you doing in here, arsehole?
Susan Cooper: That’s quite a tone change, isn’t it? What are you doing in here? You are completely compromising me right now.
Rick Ford: Oh, I’m compromising you? Fucking hilarious. You were about to cause a scene trying to get into this fucking place.
Susan Cooper: Give me a little credit. What do you think I’m going to do? Run over there and be like, “Hey, I’m a crazy lady! Where’s the buffet? I’m from the Midwest. Where’s Blue Man Group?” Okay, I am not an idiot, Ford. You are an idiot.
Susan Cooper: You should not be in this casino because De Luca is here and I need to get close to him.
Rick Ford: Yeah? How you going to do that? Huh? How you going to do that, Cooper? What, are you going to seduce him? That your big fucking plan?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, what if it is? Why is that so hard to believe?
Rick Ford: Because you look like a flute player in a wedding band. That’s fucking why!
Rick Ford: I’m here to take De Luca out.
Susan Cooper: Ooh, it sounds romantic. I hope you get lucky!
Rick Ford: Goddamn it, if I was trying to sound romantic you’d be lying on the floor, soaking wet and breathless wondering what came over you. But I’m not! So get the fuck out of my way.
Susan Cooper: I need you to rein it in, buddy, okay? If you take out De Luca, we don’t have a shot at getting Rayna. So take it down, like, five thousand notches!
Rick Ford: Take it down? That’s how you get polonium-210 slipped into your drink…
Susan Cooper: Oh…
[Susan rolls her eyes as she listens to another one of Ford’s stories]
Rick Ford: …and go eighteen months in intensive care for radiation poisoning and go six months without eyesight while everybody you’ve ever loved is gunned down!
Susan Cooper: Really? Everybody that you love has been gunned down, and just you survive? Did you ever think that maybe everybody you love is not being killed but they’re killing themselves because they can’t stand to be around you?
Rick Ford: This shit’s the real deal, life and death. This, the field is a hell of a lot different than sitting behind your fucking monitor googling shit.
Susan Cooper: Stay away from me, Ford. And do not let De Luca see you. And by the way, I can see your gun sticking out of your back pocket. Unless you’re so extreme that you’ve got a second dick coming out of your hip!
[after getting kicked out of the private casino area Susan sees a waiter handing a note from De Luca to Rayna, she gets back into contact with Nancy via her earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Nancy?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan. Oh, my God! Hi!
Susan Cooper: I found her, I found Rayna. She’s with De Luca.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You did it! Excellent tracking and reporting, madam.
[Susan then spots a man slip poison into Rayna’s drink before the waiter takes it to her]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Somebody just put something in her drink.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What is it? Is it poison?
Susan Cooper: I don’t think it’s a fiber supplement.
[as she watches Rayna hold her poisoned drink]
Susan Cooper: She killed Fine, Nance. I could really enjoy just watching her die right now. She’s the only one who knows where the bomb is, so Dudaev would never get his hands on it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, God, Susan. What are you going to do?
[Susan walks over to Rayan just before she’s about to take a sip of her drink]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me, ma’am. Hi, do you speak English? Because I think somebody just put a roofie in your cocktail.
Rayna Boyanov: Are you sure it wasn’t you?
Susan Cooper: What? No! God, I would never!
Rayna Boyanov: Could you point the man out?
Susan Cooper: Uh, well, he just kind of zipped out that, uh, door. He’s wearing a purple bowtie.
[Rayna gets one of her men to go look for the man]
Rayna Boyanov: Thank you, Miss…
Susan Cooper: Oh, Penny. Morgan. Um, but it’s no trouble, really. I mean, I think us ladies have to watch out for each other. This kind of thing happens all the time.
Rayna Boyanov: People often try to roofie you?
Susan Cooper: Once, I asked someone for a Tylenol and they gave me a Tylenol PM. I’m not sure what their intentions were, but…
[Rayna’s man returns to whisper something in her ear]
Rayna Boyanov: It seems they may have found him. Would you come with me to identify him?
Susan Cooper: Yes, of course. I’m happy to help.
[Rayna gets up, a bunch of her guards who were all sat around the room get up to join them]
Susan Cooper: Holy shit.
Rayna Boyanov: My friend here said she saw you put something in my drink.
Man in Purple Tie: I don’t know any of you people. Okay? I’m just in Rome on business. I was about to head back to my hotel and go to sleep.
Rayna Boyanov: Perfect. Just in time for a nightcap.
[she offers him her poisoned drink]
Rayna Boyanov: Apparently, there’s nothing wrong with it.
Man in Purple Tie: I don’t want your drink.
[Rayna whispers something in his ear and gives him her drink]
Man in Purple Tie: Fuck you, Rayna.
[he takes a sip of the drink]
Man in Purple Tie: Mmm, scrumptious. So, joke’s on you.
[suddenly he starts choking, he gives Rayna the finger and mouths the words]
Man in Purple Tie: Fuck you! Fuck you!
[he falls to the ground as the poison takes effect and burns a hole through his throat before dying]
[after the man in the purple tie dies Susan faints in horror for a moment]
Susan Cooper: How long was I out?
Rayna Boyanov: You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.
Susan Cooper: What happened?
Rayna Boyanov: It was all a dream. I’m just kidding. A man’s throat dissolved.
Susan Cooper: Sorry, I’m not usually, you know…
[Susan goes to get up but two of Rayna’s men come to help her up]
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank you. That’s surprisingly polite.
Susan Cooper: Sorry about that. I just, uh, I mean I’ve seen a lot of things in my day. I just haven’t, I have never seen that, exactly.
Rayna Boyanov: Penny, do you feel the need to tell anybody about what you just saw?
[Penny sees the reflection of Rayna’s men in her necklace, pointing their guns at the back of her head through]
Susan Cooper: I’m not going to tell anybody. You know, that asshole got what he deserved. I mean, I knew from the second I saw him, I thought, “That guy doesn’t deserve a throat.” So, good on you.
[Rayna indicate for her men to lower their guns]
Rayna Boyanov: I would like to take you to dinner to say thank you. And we must discuss this hideous dress, it’s just hysterical.
Susan Cooper: Oh, good, that’s what I was hoping for.
[to her men]
Rayna Boyanov: Oh, and by the way, Hristo was supposed to be looking after me at the bar and making sure nobody put anything in my drinks.
Rayna Boyanov: They’ll give him a talking-to.
[they start walking back into the casino]
Susan Cooper: Seems fair. Maybe dock him a day’s wage.
[Susan hears a shot being fired as Hristo is killed]
Susan Cooper: Or shoot him in the head. That always works.
[Susan and Rayna are sat having dinner]
Susan Cooper: You know, Rome is quite amaz…
Rayna Boyanov: Rome is the worst.
Susan Cooper: Yes.
Rayna Boyanov: So boring and tacky.
Susan Cooper: I’m so glad one of us finally said it.
[Susan laughs and we see she her lipstick is all over her teeth]
Rayna Boyanov: You have lipstick on your teeth.
Susan Cooper: Really?
Rayna Boyanov: Looks like you ate a box of crayons.
Susan Cooper: Damn it.
[Susan quickly tries to wipe it with her napkin]
[the waiter places a dish containing two scallops on the table, thinking it’s a hand towel Susan takes it]
Susan Cooper: You know, I once saw someone eat one of these before.
[as she tries to unfold it, it starts tearing]
Susan Cooper: This is strange.
Rayna Boyanov: Do you always tear your food up into little pieces? You look like a squirrel.
Susan Cooper: I was just checking for the consistency.
[she puts a small piece into her mouth]
Susan Cooper: Mmm.
Rayna Boyanov: You eat like a baby.
Susan Cooper: Thank you.
Casino Waiter: So, do you like to have a look at the wine list?
Rayna Boyanov: Yes. Penny, you can order.
[the waiter hands her a booklet menu]
Susan Cooper: Okay. Oh. Has some heft. Okay.
[she opens the menu booklet]
Susan Cooper: I’m feeling a red. Kind of a red. I like a lot of noise. I like a little bit of, um, kind of a barky finish. I tend to like a white with the grit of a hummus, that’s, of course, been thinned out. Just kind of jump up in the front of your palate and then rip back and sizzle. Almost a mineral kind of dirt finish if we’re having meat.
[as she awkwardly looks through the wine menu booklet]
Susan Cooper: Okay, here, this is looking promising. Something with, this one has nice hints of toast and dogwood, I assume? Hmm? Uh, I will have the Sapori e Delizie.
Casino Waiter: Right. Uh, that is the name of this restaurant.
Susan Cooper: Yes, I’m aware of that. So, why don’t you surprise us with something that we don’t know? Like a delicious bottle of wine.
Casino Waiter: Yes. Right. Um, sorry, I will be back in five minutes, okay?
Susan Cooper: So hard to get good help these days. Don’t you find that? I find that.
[after the waiter leaves Rayna looks at Susan with suspicion and Susan has flashback to when Rayna shot Bradley]
Susan Cooper: Okay, I’m sensing, uh, can I do a little do over? I, uh, I really don’t know how to order wine. I just, I’m from a small town in Iowa and I saved up my money to come on this Rome trip. I had a little jar on my desk at work and everybody said, “You’re never going to make enough money.” But I did, and I’m here. And then I meet you, and I’m in a place I can’t afford to eat at a place like this, and I’m just trying to impress you, and I’m doing a really poor job of it.
Rayna Boyanov: I thought as much. Your cheap prom dress doesn’t exactly scream sophistication.
Susan Cooper: Oh. Well, you know, I didn’t go to prom, so maybe it is.
Rayna Boyanov: When I was a little girl growing up in Bulgaria which is the worst, by the way. Poor people everywhere and cabbages constantly cooking. There was this woman who was kicked out of her house and she lost all her money. She couldn’t even sell her body. So she became a clown on the streets. She would perform all her tricks standing in mud, and just cry and cry. You remind me of this woman.
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank you.
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about you. The fainting, the way you talk, your terrible sense of style.
Susan Cooper: I did get this at quite a lovely…
Rayna Boyanov: It makes me sad to think of you here spending all your savings on Rome. Come on, we’re going to Budapest.
Susan Cooper: Uh, Budapest?
Rayna Boyanov: I have some business to finish there and you can take my private jet when we’re done anywhere you want to get home. My way of repaying you for saving my life.
[after Rayna spots Ford in the casino she sends her men to kill him, but Susan manages to send out a morse code message to Nancy cut the power, while the power is out, she creates a diversion to let Ford go by knocking Rayna and some of her men down]
Rayna Boyanov: What the fuck just happened?
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! Rayna. Thank God your hair broke your fall.
[she helps Rayna stand]
Susan Cooper: I don’t know what happened. The lights were going out, and I don’t know if it’s a robbery. Two of your guys slammed into me and took you down. I think one of them touched my bottom. I don’t know which one, but I definitely felt a hand. Are they going to be okay?
Rayna Boyanov: I wouldn’t worry about them. Their fate has just been sealed.
[inside Rayna’s private jet]
Susan Cooper: Wow. This is a really jazzy plane. Is this yours?
Rayna Boyanov: It was my father’s. You’ve never been on a private jet before?
Susan Cooper: Oh, no. I did get upgraded to, uh, premium economy once which was pretty plush.
Rayna Boyanov: Premium economy. Sounds like a pen for dirty animals.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, probably. Uh, but it was not quite like this.
[Rayna hands Susan a drink]
Susan Cooper: Thank you. Why are you being so nice to me? It can’t just be because I remind you of some sad Bulgarian clown.
Rayna Boyanov: You remind me of my mother.
Susan Cooper: Oh. Really? You know that, I mean you and I are, you and I are pretty close in age.
Rayna Boyanov: You’re funny. It’s the Bulgarian clown in you.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Rayna Boyanov: She was marvelous. But she was different. Eccentric, like you are.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Rayna Boyanov: The moment I saw you standing there in that abortion of a dress…
Susan Cooper: [to herself] Ah, come on.
Rayna Boyanov: It was as if to say, “This is what I’ve got, world. It’s hideous, but it’s mine.”
[Rayna shows Susan a photo of her mother, Susan gasps as she sees how awful she looks]
Rayna Boyanov: This was her.
Susan Cooper: Oh, wow. Hey, how’d you get that picture of me? I look amazing. Hello, doppelgänger.
Rayna Boyanov: She was the only person I could ever trust.
Susan Cooper: Well, here’s to your mom.
[holds up her glass for a toast]
Rayna Boyanov: To my mother. And to you.
Susan Cooper: And here’s to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl, but you’ll always be a hoot to me.
Rayna Boyanov: What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You’re delightful.
Susan Cooper: As are you.
[Susan wakes from being poisoned by Rayna with her drink, she is still holding onto the “stool softener” bottle that was going to take a pill from to stop the poison from taking effect]
Susan Cooper: What happened?
Rayna Boyanov: I’ve never seen somebody dive for stool softener before. That’s one thing that happened.
Susan Cooper: What did you do? Did you drug me?
Rayna Boyanov: Of course I did. I told you, I can’t trust anybody. I had to look through your things. Anyway, tell me, are your hemorrhoids particularly large, or just tenacious?
Susan Cooper: Stop texting!
Rayna Boyanov: I’m not texting. If you must know I’m playing Candy Crush and I just made level 95.
Susan Cooper: God, that is so rude!
[after the stewardess of her private jet tries to shoot her]
Rayna Boyanov: Jesus, Colin, what the fuck are you doing?
Frederick: I’m sorry, Rayna, but there’s been a change of plans.
Rayna Boyanov: Who paid you off, Colin?
Frederick: Colin hasn’t worked here for, like, eight months. I’m Fredrick.
Rayna Boyanov: Is that why you’re doing this? Because I don’t remember your fucking name?
Frederick: Let’s just say there’s some people who really want what you’re selling.
Rayna Boyanov: You don’t have to do this. I can give you a very comfortable life, Col…um…
Frederick: You forgot my name again, didn’t you?
Rayna Boyanov: No. No, I didn’t.
Rayna Boyanov: It’s, mm…
Frederick: Don’t say fucking Colin.
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck! I don’t give a shit what your name is. You’re the fucking help!
[after Frederick shoots the pilot and Rayna’s guard, Susan manages to kill him and take over the plane’s control before they crash, in the back Rayna and the two dead bodies are floating and one of the dead men’s head goes up Rayna’s skirt]
Rayna Boyanov: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
Susan Cooper: I got it. I know what to do.
[Susan makes the plane take a sharp turn up making the dead bodies land on top of Rayna as the crash to the floor]
Susan Cooper: Oh, are you okay?
Rayna Boyanov: No! I’ve got a dead man’s head up my ass!
Susan Cooper: [to herself] This one’s for Fine. Downdraft!
[Susan makes the plane take sharp turn down again]
Rayna Boyanov: Not again! Do you have any idea what you’re fucking doing?
[Susan brings the plane back up again making the dead bodies land on top of Rayna as they crash back onto the plane’s floor]
Susan Cooper: Ooh, the controls are so sensitive.
[one of the dead bodies on top of Rayna defecates himself]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. One of these dead fuckers just shit his pants.
[after leveling out the plane]
Susan Cooper: Good thing I learned to use that flight simulator app, huh?
[from behind, Rayna points her gun at Susan]
Rayna Boyanov: Congratulations, Penny Morgan. You just blew your cover. Now put the plane on autopilot and get up. Any bullshit and I’ll blow your CIA brains all over that control panel.
[Susan puts the plane on autopilot and turns to face Rayna]
Susan Cooper: I know what you’re thinking. And you’re wrong. My real name is…
[Susan has flashback to when Nancy and her had the conversation about coming up with a spy name and remembers Nancy’s spy name]
Susan Cooper: Amber Valentine.
Rayna Boyanov: What are you, a porn star?
Susan Cooper: You’re fucking hilarious, huh?
Susan Cooper: I’m a private bodyguard, and your father hired me to protect you.
Rayna Boyanov: Bodyguard? You? Please.
Susan Cooper: That’s funny, because the way I see it, without me you would currently be crashed in the Alps right now. Or you’d be lying in a morgue with a hole burned in your throat. You little spoiled piece of shit.
Rayna Boyanov: Why would my father hire somebody like you?
Susan Cooper: Because he trusted me. And for whatever fucking reason, he loved you. Didn’t even want you to know I was watching you. So he was the one that made me come up with this whole loser Penny Morgan bullshit. Yeah, “Oh, you look just like my dead mama.” And fuck you for saying I look anything like that fucking beast. No wonder your father never had the son he wanted. You fuck that monster once and you just drop the fucking mic and walk out.
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck you. Everything you’ve said is a lie.
Susan Cooper: Oh. What happened? Did I hit a little sore spot? Yeah, he always wanted a son, and you knew it. Look, he wanted you to take over the business. He was just afraid you were going to get yourself killed. So if you want to live, and you want to unload that bomb you stick with me. And if you got a problem with that, you know what you can do, Rayna? You and your bullshit accent can land this fucking plane by yourselves.
[Rayna seems to believe her and lowers her gun]
Rayna Boyanov: Okay, bodyguard. But if I find out you’re lying to me about any of this, I’ll show you ways to die you never even dreamed of. Now, let’s go to Budapest. I need a fucking drink.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, I bet you fucking do.
[Rayna gives her the finger as she turns to get herself a drink and Susan breathes a sigh of relief]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God.
[Budapest, Hungary – as they arrive at the hotel]
Susan Cooper: So, what’s the plan? Who are we meeting?
Rayna Boyanov: You’re my bodyguard not my business partner, so just focus on guarding my body.
Susan Cooper: So not knowing who we’re meeting tonight is going to make me extra effective. That’s okay, I get it. I got shit to do. You’ll probably be fine. Why don’t I go get you a nice dress to be buried in? Dumbass.
Rayna Boyanov: I’m meeting a potential bidder, if you must know. If they don’t top the current offer, the sale will happen tomorrow.
Susan Cooper: Where?
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t know yet.
[Susan spots a man walking suspiciously up to Rayna, mistakenly believing him to be an assassin, she throws her phone at his head and he falls down]
Rayna Boyanov: Anton!
Rayna Boyanov: Anton is part of my security team, psycho!
Susan Cooper: Yeah, well, guess what? I don’t like his face. I don’t like the looks of your face!
Anton: And who the fuck are you?
Susan Cooper: I’m the person that’s going to cut your dick off and glue it to your forehead so you look like a limp-dick unicorn! That’s who the fuck I am!
Susan Cooper: Your name should be Mr. Bag o’ Dicks, not Anton.
Rayna Boyanov: Okay. Jesus. Let’s just calm down, okay?
Susan Cooper: Does he not look like a bag o’ dicks?
Rayna Boyanov: Enough. I can see why my father liked you now.
Rayna Boyanov: Amber is my hired bodyguard. Be more like her.
Susan Cooper: And your head better not have broken my fucking phone.
[as they walk towards Rayna’s hotel room]
Rayna Boyanov: We’ve got a big night ahead of us. Don’t be afraid to clean yourself up, Amber. Take a shower is what I’m saying.
Susan Cooper: Yeah? Don’t be afraid to hit water yourself. You smell like a dead hooker that washed up on the beach then roasted in the sun for a week before anybody found her body.
Rayna Boyanov: Okay, you need to take it way down.
Susan Cooper: I’m sorry, that’s too much. Okay, that was too much.
Rayna Boyanov: Jeez!
Susan Cooper: Too much.
[Rayna goes into her room]
[after Rayna goes into her room Anton stands by her door looking at Susan]
Susan Cooper: What are you staring at? Huh? I will destroy you. And then after I’m done destroying you, I’ll take a picture of what’s left of your body and I’m going to text it to your mother. With a little note that says his last words were, “My mother was terrible. You did this to me.”
Anton: That’s so fucking mean.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, I’m so fucking mean. You just figured that out? And now give me your coat.
Anton: This is a man’s coat.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, but I don’t see a man, do I? I see a reject from The Sound of Music.
Anton: It was my mother’s coat, but she’s very masculine, so.
Susan Cooper: Yeah? You look like ABBA took a shit and put a trench coat on it.
Anton: Well, I won’t give it to you.
Susan Cooper: I’ve been in this dress for twelve fucking hours. Give me your coat.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Anton: No, I won’t give you… This is my coat.
Susan Cooper: I’m going to reach through your fucking body and rip out your back like a fucking werewolf, without tearing the jacket. Just so I can wear your jacket, and give you a final “Fuck you.”
Anton: Oh, no, you won’t.
Susan Cooper: I’m going to take that fucking coat.
[we hear Susan hit Anton and walk off with his coat]
Susan Cooper: I warned you, you Swedish gummy fish motherfucker!
[back in her room Susan puts in her earpiece and gets in touch with Nancy]
Susan Cooper: Nance?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, my God, Susan! Hello. Hello? Just say something to me, please. Susan? Anything. I cannot handle this, Susan! There is nothing in real life that someone could do to a spy that is filthier or more upsetting than what my brain will cook up right now. So save me from myself, Susan! Because you know what’s going to happen. I’m going to get chattier, aren’t I? Did you know that you can’t ever change having big pores?
[Susan notices the camera in her room and decides to leave the hotel, as she leaves she puts her phone to her ear pretending she’s talking to Nancy]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Nancy, you are driving me nuts! I couldn’t talk because I was in an elevator filled with people.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’re alright. Oh, thank God.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You disappeared for twelve hours, we didn’t know what happened!
Susan Cooper: Well I had to take out my earpiece and my camera. Rayna’s on to our agents and she was going to spot my equipment from a mile away.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’re with Rayna? You’re not supposed to be within a mile away of her.
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I know, but I’m in deep and I’m getting such good intel. Please, I just need to remain on radio silence just a little bit longer.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, well, don’t worry, because I’ll be able to keep a better eye on you now.
Susan Cooper: What are you talking about? How?
[as Susan is taking a corner she suddenly bumps into Nancy]
Susan Cooper: What are you doing here?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Elaine wanted to know exactly what you were up to so I tracked your earpiece. They sent me here to find you.
Susan Cooper: They sent you?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Well, I’m as unknown as you are, so they thought my cover was safe.
Susan Cooper: Did they give you an identity?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It’s so cool. I said I wanted to be Amber Valentine…
Susan Cooper: What?
Nancy B. Artingstall: And they let me use it.
Susan Cooper: Hey, I don’t know why you got to pick your identity. I had to go as a freaking cat lady.
Rayna Boyanov: Amber!
[Rayna and Anton interrupt Susan and Nancy, they both turn to reply]
Susan and Nancy: Yes?
Rayna Boyanov: Who is this?
Susan Cooper: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know the police were here. This is my colleague, detective. The one I fucking told you about.
Rayna Boyanov: No, you didn’t.
Susan Cooper: Yes, I did, Helen Keller!
Anton: So you’re both named Amber?
Susan Cooper: What did I tell you about talking to me?
Anton: Nothing. You just said nothing about talking.
Susan Cooper: You know what? You want me to have Cagney and fucking Lacey explain it to you?
[she puts up her fists]
Susan Cooper: Cagney’s coming down your fucking throat. Lacey, she’s going to come up your ass. I’m going to meet them in the fucking middle and play your heart like a fucking accordion. I’m going to pump that shit until it pops, you Swedish bitch.
Anton: You wouldn’t dare.
Susan Cooper: You going to cry, you little Swiss fucking pussy?
Anton: I’m not going to cry.
Susan Cooper: You’re crying now!
Anton: I’m not! It’s so fucking hot!
[he wipes a tear from his face]
Rayna Boyanov: Okay, you know, just, let’s leave Anton alone for now. Please.
Rayna Boyanov: What’s your name?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan Cooper.
Susan and Nancy: What?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, sorry, it came out.
Susan Cooper: What did I…? She’s not supposed to fucking say her real name. She’s one of my best. She’s highly fucking skilled.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Very skilled.
Rayna Boyanov: At what? Getting things out of a high cupboard?
Susan Cooper: Don’t do that.
Nancy B. Artingstall: That’s very good! Because I’m tall. Weirdly, I’m not very good at reaching high things. A doctor once said to me I have the muscle capacity of an infant. My arms are like two noodles.
[suddenly car drives by, starts shooting a machine gun at Rayna and kill Anton in the process before driving off]
[to Nancy after unknown assailant shoot as them]
Susan Cooper: Susan, get Rayna to safety, now!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’ve got her.
Susan Cooper: Go!
[Susan finds a scooter with a roof on it and gets on it, the owner tries to stop her]
Susan Cooper: Get away!
[just as Susan is about ride off on the scooter, it falls sideways to the ground]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! Who puts a roof on a scooter?! What are you, the Pope?
[Susan then gets onto a pizza delivery scooter to chase after the assailant’s car]
[after trying to chase after the assailant Susan finds a detour to get ahead but finds the road is closed due to road works, so she decides to jump over the signs]
Susan Cooper: Let’s do this! I am so badass!
[as her scooter flies across the road signs she lands on some wet cement, the road workers all yell at her]
Susan Cooper: I got it. I know what you’re saying. You’re no prize yourself! Get back to work!
[as Nancy tries to get Rayan away by hiding her head under her arm beneath her jacket]
Rayna Boyanov: Where are we going? Smells like cheese under here!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Apologies. I may be sweating cheese because I had quite a hearty lasagna.
[Rayna gets out from under Nancy’s arm]
Rayna Boyanov: Fucking ridiculous clown show! This fuckery stops now.
[Susan finally catches up with the assailant, she stops her scooter to have a faceoff with the assailant’s car when an American tourist interrupts her]
American Tourist: Excuse me, do you know if there’s a Popeyes Chicken around here?
Susan Cooper: What?
American Tourist: I saw a KFC down the way, but I’m more of a Popeyes guy. The food is really weird…
[the car revs up and starts making its way towards Susan, so she get her gun out]
American Tourist: Oh, my God! I’ll ask someone else!
[Susan chases after the assailant’s car again]
Susan Cooper: Okay, enough!
[she shoots at the tire and the car crashes into a bunch of parked cars]
Susan Cooper: Drop your weapon!
[Susan finds the assailant is Agent Karen Walker]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Karen. Why aren’t you in Capri? I’m so sorry I shot you. You must not have known it was me, either. I changed my hair.
Karen Walker: Oh, yeah. Looks really good. Are those extensions?
Susan Cooper: Ah, no. It’s just my hair. You know, a few clips. Colored.
Karen Walker: Okay, if you say so. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry about this, too.
[as she goes to shoot Susan she’s suddenly shot in the head by a sniper]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God.
[Susan flees on her scooter]
[Susan pulls up outside the hotel and finds Nancy on her own looking worse the wear]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan! My thighs are on fire!
Susan Cooper: I don’t care! Where is Rayna?
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don’t know. She slipped off me, I was very sweaty.
Susan Cooper: I thought I asked you to watch her.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don’t know how she ran so fast, particularly with that hair. It must weigh twenty pounds at least. Maybe she’s a witch. Do you think she put a spell on me?
Susan Cooper: Karen Walker is dead.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What?
Susan Cooper: She’s a double agent! Somebody shot her right in front of me. I don’t know who did it. I don’t know how deep this whole thing goes!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, my God.
[suddenly someone pours water all over Susan’s head, they look up to see Rayna leaning out of her hotel room window]
Rayna Boyanov: Get your motherfucking asses up here! Now!
[as they ride up in the elevator to meet with Rayna]
Nancy B. Artingstall: But what if she heard?
Susan Cooper: She didn’t hear.
Nancy B. Artingstall: But what if she did hear?
Susan Cooper: We weren’t even talking that loud.
Nancy B. Artingstall: A woman like that has super ears.
Susan Cooper: Okay, she does not have super ears, and I’m only bringing this up because you asked me to, but you are putting a very negative spin on this situation.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, wow. We’re going with that now, are we, Amber Valentine?
Susan Cooper: Susan Cooper, really? Susan Cooper?
[as they are about to walk off the elevator to go meet with Rayan]
Nancy B. Artingstall: My legs won’t seem to move.
Susan Cooper: Okay, Nancy, I realize that you’re scared, but you are in this now, and I really, really need you to hold it together.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Holding it together. I shall now be the most held-together person you have ever met.
Susan Cooper: Okay. Let’s go.
[as Nancy goes to take a step out of the elevator she faints]
[as they walk along the hall to get to Rayna’s room]
Susan Cooper: Be prepared for anything, she’s erratic. It’s impossible to tell what she’s thinking.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Probably because she’s thinking in Bulgarian.
[as Susan goes to knock on the door Nancy kneels down]
Susan Cooper: What are you doing?
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m just tying up my shoelaces.
Susan Cooper: You’re wearing a loafer. Get over here!
[Susan rings the bell and Rayna immediately opens the door]
Rayna Boyanov: Get in!
[Rayna is pacing in her room in anger as she holds her gun]
Rayna Boyanov: Shit! People are trying to kill me and all that’s left of my fucking security team is you two defending me, and you look like somebody’s demented aunts on vacation!
[she drops her gun in her bag, Susan and Nancy breathe a sigh of relief, but then she picks up another gun]
Rayna Boyanov: Do you have anyone on your team other than this asthmatic Big Bird?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, we usually just use her for non-physical security resources.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m very non-physically resourceful. I do a lot of reading. I read palms and maps, and I’ve read all of The Hunger Games…
Rayna Boyanov: How is that helpful?!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don’t know. I’m panicking!
Rayna Boyanov: And you! You have to stop with these stupid Penny Morgan outfits! You have to dress like an actual human! Get me more security when I come back out here or you’re both dead!
[Susan walks out of the hotel wearing another expensive looking outfit and a new hairstyle]
Susan Cooper: Suck on this, Rayna.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This mission’s going to cost you money, you know. The clothing allowance cut off halfway through the last…
Susan Cooper: My God, can you just please concentrate on getting the new bodyguard? Goddamn it! Please!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Alright, alright. Crabby. I’ve already contacted the agency.
[next Susan opens her hotel room to meet the new agent when she sees it’s Aldo]
Susan Cooper: Oh, come on!
Aldo: You, in this outfit. Magnifico!
[Susan closes the door in his face]
[later that night at the party where Rayna is supposed to meet a potential bidder]
Rayna Boyanov: Goddamn it, I told you to dress up. And take off those gloves, you look like Darth fucking Vader.
Susan Cooper: Yeah? Well, you look like an Ewok died on your head.
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t even know what that means.
Susan Cooper: You’re going to know what it means when I split you open like a Tauntaun.
Rayna Boyanov: Whatever. Keep an eye out for this woman.
[she shows Susan the photo of the woman, Lia, who had tried to kill Ford]
Rayna Boyanov: She’s the one coming to make the bid.
Susan Cooper: Very pretty.
Rayna Boyanov: I’m glad you know what pretty is. You should remember it next time you’re in a clothing store.
Susan Cooper: I need you to keep your eyes open. I may need your help out there.
Aldo: To close my eye in the presence of this beautiful body would be a crime.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God.
[Susan spots Ford, with a wig and moustache, on the dance floor dancing with a woman]
Susan Cooper: Son of a bee sting.
[Susan walks over to Ford]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me, he’s mine. Yeah.
[she pushes the woman and she falls down]
Susan Cooper: I didn’t mean to hit her that hard. God, you’re like a balloon animal. Here, take those.
[she throws her gloves at the woman]
[Susan tries to push Ford off the dance floor]
Susan Cooper: Hey. What are you doing, Ford?
Rick Ford: I’m here to help you, Cooper. You may have found Rayna, but you cannot lose her. This isn’t fucking playtime anymore!
Susan Cooper: Yeah? It’s playtime on your face, with your stupid mustache! Huh? Where’d you get that from, off a Mr. Potato Head?
Rick Ford: You are going to blow my fucking cover!
Susan Cooper: Yeah? Sunglasses are not a cover, they’re an accessory.
Rick Ford: Get out of here! You’re going to fuck this up without me around to save your girly ass.
Susan Cooper: God, I hate you so much!
Rick Ford: You can’t let your desire for me put you in danger, Cooper.
[Ford tries to kiss her]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, you wish, Magnum.
Susan Cooper: You dance like a horny eighth grader. Are you erect? Get off me!
Rick Ford: Blend in, or get the fuck out!
[she tries to push Ford]
Susan Cooper: You get out of here!
[Ford tries to push her back but she’s too strong for him]
Susan Cooper: Yeah, who’s dominating now?
[Ford lands on the floor when Susan lets him go]
Rick Ford: Ah. Fuck!
[Ford goes to grab Susan again to trip her up]
Susan Cooper: Don’t, you son of a bitch.
[they both fall to the floor and Ford gets on top of her]
Susan Cooper: You’ve got to be kidding! Get off of me!
Rick Ford: You get off of me!
Susan Cooper: Get your silky shirt off of me!
[the kneel up]
Rick Ford: Blend in, or get the fuck out.
[they both start to blend in by dancing as they knelt down on the dance floor]
[at the party 50 Cent is introduced on stage]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: What’s up, Budapest? I just had some goulash. The shit was on point!
[back on the dance floor Susan spots Lia; to Ford]
Susan Cooper: Oh, shit. She’s here. Okay, we can’t let Rayna see her, so you need to take out her bodyguards and I’ll deal with her.
Rick Ford: Ain’t nobody orders me around.
Susan Cooper: God, do you have a better idea?
Rick Ford: Yeah, we release a gas in the club causing everybody to get temporary amnesia. Get a hundred sticks of dynamite…
Susan Cooper: Oh, God! Just go! Just go!
[Ford heads off to deal with Lia’s bodyguard]
[through her earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I need you to get in here now.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m coming, Susan. I’m here. I’m here.
[Nancy enters the party]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Pardon. Excuse me. Okay. I’m here. I’m here.
[Nancy sees 50 Cent on stage singing]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, wow! 50 Cent Piece! Thanks for letting me know.
[she starts dancing along to his song]
Susan Cooper: Do not let Rayna see that woman! Create a diversion, now.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What kind of diversion?
Susan Cooper: A big one!
[as 50 Cent is singing on stage, Nancy suddenly charges towards him]
Nancy B. Artingstall: 50, I love you!
[Nancy jumps onto 50 Cent and takes him down]
Nancy B. Artingstall: 50, I love you! Kiss me!
[50 Cent’s bodyguards grab hold of Nancy]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: Get her!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Take me now!
[as Ford takes out Lia’s bodyguard Susan goes to Lia and points her gun at her back]
Susan Cooper: Turn around.
[back on the stage Nancy is still on top of 50 Cent]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: Get off!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m coming in!
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I got her. Meet me outside.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, okay. Right.
[to the guards holding her]
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, I’m fine now. Thank you so much.
[she gets off 50 Cent]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay. No, I got my wish. That was it. I’ve now got to jump Michael Bublé in Croatia. He wants me.
Rick Ford: Alright, Cooper. I’ve got this under control.
Rick Ford: You’re coming with me.
[Lia kicks Ford and grabs hold of Susan]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, my God! Susan! Okay, bigger diversion. Huge diversion.
[she presses some buttons on the stage which pops up some smoke on the dance floor, Susan manages to get out of Lia’s grip but Lia runs off]
Susan Cooper: Bitch!
[Aldo comes over to Susan]
Susan Cooper: I got to know who she’s working for. Get Rayna out of here!
[Susan chases after Lia]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, where are you?
[we see Nancy being escorted by some guards out of the party]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Bit indisposed. It turns out 50 Cent doesn’t have a great sense of humor or irony.
Susan Cooper: I need backup! I lost my gun in the club!
[Susan manages to catch up with Lia and they fight it out for a while until Lia tries to stab her with a knife]
Susan Cooper: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! This isn’t what you want, or what I want. I mean, this is like what the Man wants. Us, you know? Two smart, pretty brunettes kind of breaking each other down. I mean, you look similar to a gal I was in college with. Things happened. I think we all dabble. It’s mostly just kind of stuff with hands and…
Lia: God, I can’t wait to kill you.
[Lia attacks Susan again, they continue to fight it out]
[as they fight Susan stabs a knife through Lia’s hand, but Lia takes it out]
Susan Cooper: Ooh. That’s clean through.
Lia: Thanks for your weapon.
Susan Cooper: Well, you know, it’s been inside you, so I don’t think it should go inside me. Okay?
[Lia attacks Susan with the knife, but Susan manages to disarm her]
Susan Cooper: Get up. Get up!
[she grabs Lia by her throat]
Susan Cooper: You are under arrest by Susan Cooper and the government of the United States.
[suddenly a knife is launched straight into Lia, killing her]
[after Lia is killed Susan turns to see Rayna]
Susan Cooper: Rayna, how did you do that?
Rayna Boyanov: I didn’t. He did.
[Bradley walks up behind Rayna]
Bradley Fine: Hello, Coop.
Susan Cooper: Fine?
[two of Rayna’ men knock Susan out unconscious]
[Susan becomes conscious to find herself tied to a chair and looking at Bradley]
Bradley Fine: Coop.
[Rayna throws water onto Susan’s face]
Rayna Boyanov: Wake up! Did you have a nice nap? You were snoring very loudly.
Susan Cooper: Well that’s just really not the most upsetting news right now.
Rayna Boyanov: My father used to bring people here.
Susan Cooper: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?
Rayna Boyanov: He’d starve them, torture them, you name it. But he especially didn’t like it when people lied to him. Not that I bought it.
Susan Cooper: You knew?
Rayna Boyanov: Of course I knew.
Bradley Fine: I told you, you were better off in the basement, Coop. You could have avoided all of this.
Susan Cooper: And what, Fine? Now you’re a nuclear black marketer? A terrorist?
Rayna Boyanov: No. He’s just fucking me.
[she pulls Bradley into her arms and kisses him]
[as she watches Rayna kiss Bradley in front of her]
Susan Cooper: You’re a loud kisser.
Rayna Boyanov: Excuse me?
Susan Cooper: You’re a loud kisser, and it’s gross and unappealing. You look like some old, toothless woman sucking the jelly out of a donut. Hey, what’s it like sleeping with the man that killed your father?
Bradley Fine: Nice try, Coop. She already knows it was Cress.
Susan Cooper: Ah. Okay.
Rayna Boyanov: You’ve probably always been in love with him, haven’t you? Talking in his ear, hoping eventually one day he’ll fall in love with you.
Rayna Boyanov: Poor little, pathetic Susan Coleman.
Susan Cooper: Well that’s not my last name, so it’s really not much of a burn, is it?
Rayna Boyanov: Cooping.
Susan Cooper: No.
Rayna Boyanov: Croupon.
Susan Cooper: Are you thinking Groupon? No, my name’s not Groupon.
Rayna Boyanov: Croupe.
Susan Cooper: Keep going.
Rayna Boyanov: Kapowski.
Susan Cooper: That’s getting further from it!
Rayna Boyanov: Well, whatever the fuck it is, let’s just call you dead.
[she places her gun against Susan’s head]
Bradley Fine: Hey, baby? I thought we were going to hang on to her till tonight.
Rayna Boyanov: I changed my mind. Goodbye.
[she pulls the trigger but there’s no bullet, Rayna laughs]
Rayna Boyanov: Like I’d waste a bullet on you. Put her in the room.
[Susan is thrown into a room where Aldo is also being kept with his hands tied behind his back]
Susan Cooper: Hey, Aldo.
Aldo: Hello, captured lady.
Susan Cooper: I failed. I failed the mission. Fine is alive, and he’s a traitor.
Aldo: Don’t be downhearted. My mama said to me, “Aldo, life is full of sorrow and surprises. But, a magnificent pair of bosoms will, uh…”
[he stares at Susan’s breasts]
Susan Cooper: Good story.
[Bradley comes to visit Susan in her cell]
Bradley Fine: Susan.
Susan Cooper: Get away from me.
Bradley Fine: No, listen. I haven’t got much time.
Susan Cooper: Why’d you do it, Fine?
Bradley Fine: This was my only way in. I had to fake my death to gain Rayna’s trust. I jammed the signal, popped out my lens. It was easy. I hated to do it to you, Coop, but I had to. I had to. Rayna knew all about our agents because Karen Walker sold her the names. I just couldn’t trust anyone at the agency not to give me away, not even you.
Susan Cooper: How do I even know you’re telling me the truth?
Bradley Fine: Did Karen Walker try to kill you?
Susan Cooper: You shot her?
Bradley Fine: I’m deep undercover. But not so deep that I can’t still protect you.
Susan Cooper: Alright, look me in the eye.
Bradley Fine: What?
Susan Cooper: Really look me in the eye.
[Bradley looks at her]
Susan Cooper: One of your eyes is bigger than the other.
Bradley Fine: Really?
Susan Cooper: No. You’re perfect, Goddamn it. Asshole.
[she head-butts him]
Susan Cooper: God!
Bradley Fine: That hurt.
Susan Cooper: Good, it was supposed to.
Bradley Fine: Is he dangerous?
Susan Cooper: Only if you have boobs. So did Rayna really know I was a spy?
Bradley Fine: No. Not until you blew your cover back at that kitchen. I really thought she was more experienced than that. Thank God she’s not, huh? Because if she was, well you’d be dead now.
Susan Cooper: I think it was a pretty good cover, so…
Bradley Fine: I got to go. We’re heading to De Luca’s villa to meet with Dudaev. Then we’re taking him to wherever the bomb is. This thing is almost over.
[he kisses Susan on her forehead]
Bradley Fine: Hang tight.
Aldo: Hello, bound lady.
Susan Cooper: Not now, Aldo.
Aldo: I think Mr. Fine has underestimated you. You found your targets, you tracked them down, you fought very hard. Susan, you are a good agent. You’ll get them next time, huh? Unless we die here. Then you will not.
Susan Cooper: You know what? I’m not going down like this. I need you to untie me.
Aldo: Bosom. What?
Susan Cooper: Stop! Goddamn it!
[she turns herself around so he can have access to her tied hands]
Susan Cooper: Just untie me.
Aldo: No, you heard Mr. Fine. He’s working a plan, we have to stay put.
Susan Cooper: Untie me. Now.
[Aldo turns himself so he can use his tied hands to untie Susan’s]
Susan Cooper: That’s my ass.
Aldo: It is very difficult to see or gauge my position.
Susan Cooper: You’re just simply grabbing my ass.
Aldo: Oh. I am sorry. Let’s roll to our side.
[they roll down to the ground]
Susan Cooper: God! Oh! Hey!
Aldo: The knot is very tight, but I am making progress.
Susan Cooper: Your hand is way up in there.
Aldo: My right hand is restrained from the weight of my body. Okay, let’s try this.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God.
Aldo: Okay. I will inchworm my way…
[he tries to squirm his way toward Susan grunting loudly]
Aldo: You’re being very loud.
[after failing to untie Susan’s hands]
Aldo: Wait, I have idea.
Susan Cooper: God. Another one? Oh, Jesus.
Aldo: Don’t move.
[Aldo gets on his knees and makes his way in front of Susan]
Susan Cooper: Wait, wait, wait!
Aldo: Stay still.
Susan Cooper: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Aldo: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God!
[he places his knees between Susan’s head]
Aldo: Yes. Excusi.
Susan Cooper: Can’t be happening.
[Aldo bends down to use his mouth to untie Susan’s hands]
Susan Cooper: Damn it, I was having such an empowering moment before this started.
[as he’s leaning over Susan]
Aldo: My penis may be gently kissing the back of your head.
Susan Cooper: Just untie me before I crush your nuts.
Aldo: Oh, please. If only we had time for such pleasures.
[Aldo tries to use his mouth and teeth to untie Susan’s hands]
Susan Cooper: Oh! Your face and the knot are about to enter my colon. God! Oh, stop licking it!
[Aldo then manages to untie her hands]
Aldo: It is done.
Susan Cooper: Thank you, Aldo. I don’t want to know why my neck is wet, but you did excellent work.
Susan Cooper: Okay, turn around. Let me untie you, and let’s get the fuck out of here.
[after Susan knocks out the Rayna’s two guards outside their cell]
Susan Cooper: I need you to alert CIA and Interpol. I’m going to go to De Luca’s and back up Fine.
Aldo: You know where the villa is?
Susan Cooper: I know everything.
Aldo: One day, lady super spy, Susan Cooper, I will fuck you.
[at De Luca’s place]
Sergio De Luca: Welcome to Lake Balaton. I found this staircase and made them build a house around it. Our dear Mr. Dudaev will be arriving shortly. You are about to become a very rich woman, Rayna. Which means you’ll have to be a little more careful about the company you keep. So many people have such terrible agendas, like perhaps your friend here. I can see his obvious outer appeal.
Sergio De Luca: You have terrific eyes.
Bradley Fine: Thanks.
Sergio De Luca: But he also works for the CIA, doesn’t he? An odd choice of companion for someone in your work, Rayna. Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in those around you.
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck you, Sergio. You would never talk to my father like that.
Sergio De Luca: I never had to.
Bradley Fine: Mr. De Luca, it’s true. I worked for the CIA, but they think I’m dead. I’m with Rayna now, and I’m here to help you both.
Sergio De Luca: You and Karen Walker are both double agents. What’s going on at the CIA? Drones taking all the cool assignments? If we don’t get rid of him right now, I’m calling off the deal.
[De Luca’s men get their gun ready to kill Bradley]
Rayna Boyanov: Don’t you fucking dare.
[suddenly Susan enters pointing her gun at De Luca]
Susan Cooper: Yeah, why don’t you listen to that asshole. Don’t you fucking dare.
Sergio De Luca: Uh, you’re a bit outnumbered here, Miss, I’m sorry, what the fuck is your name?
Susan Cooper: Susan Cooper. I’m with the CIA.
Sergio De Luca: Jesus. Rayna, did you invite the entire agency here, or are they just having a company retreat at the villa next door?
Susan Cooper: God, you’re funny, huh? It’s just me.
Susan Cooper: It’s going to be in your best interest to keep Fine and me alive.
Sergio De Luca: I’m trying, but I’m not quite following your logic.
Susan Cooper: You want me to slow it down for you? Okay. You’re about to meet with Solsa Dudaev, a man I’ve been collecting intelligence on for years. And I’m guessing that your boys here are too busy manscaping to have told you how he does business. Because about half the people he deals with end up dead. I can tell you what Dudaev’s going to do five minutes before he even thinks about it. And I sure as shit know enough to cover up a Russian flag tattoo since Dudaev’s brother was killed by the Russian military. Jesus! You own a computer? You heard of fucking Google? I’ll tell you another thing. You know your little girlfriend, the one from the Paris bombing? She’s just using you to get to Rayna. If it hadn’t been for me last night she would’ve kidnapped her at the club and then you’d be standing her with your dick in your hand, because you’d never find that bomb. So you need me, De Luca. And I’m not going to help you unless you keep Fine alive.
[De Luca’s men lower the guns]
Sergio De Luca: So now, let me get this straight. You work for the CIA yet you’re willing to help me sell a nuclear bomb in order to save this man’s life? Why would I believe that?
Rayna Boyanov: Because she’s in love with him. Hm?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, so what? This idiot doesn’t even know it. Too dumb to know I’d do anything for him. And fuck the CIA, right? What have they ever done for me? Took ten years of my life, gave me shitty pay, put me in a basement with a ceiling full of bats that pretty sure gave me pinkeye or at least an allergy. Something got fucked up in my eye. I would’ve been out a long time ago if it hadn’t been for Fine.
[Bradley looks taken aback]
Susan Cooper: So, yeah, I’ll do anything it takes to keep him alive. That’s pretty pathetic, right?
Rayna Boyanov: Extremely pathetic.
Susan Cooper: God, you’re an asshole. When this is over, I’m going to shave that fucking head.
Sergio De Luca: Alright, Miss Havisham. I’ll take you up on your offer. But if you try anything, I mean anything, I’ll make your dream come true and send you and your boyfriend to heaven. Let’s go.
[Dudaev and his men pull up outside De Luca’s house]
Sergio De Luca: Mr. Dudaev, welcome to Hungary. Like Chechnya, only easier to pronounce.
Solsa Dudaev: Enough with the bullshit. Where is the package?
Sergio De Luca: Once my client sees the payment, she’ll take us all to its very secure hiding spot. Wherever that may be.
[Dudaev indicates for one of his men to bring out a suitcase]
Sergio De Luca: I got it, handsome.
[De Luca opens the suitcase to reveal diamonds]
Sergio De Luca: Hundred million Euros doesn’t buy what it used to, does it?
[he inspects one of the diamonds]
Sergio De Luca: Nice ice, Solsa. Right.
[turning to Rayna]
Sergio De Luca: He’s all yours.
Rayna Boyanov: Gentlemen, if you would follow me.
[Rayan takes everyone to the garage, opens the trunk of the Rolls-Royce “Renaldo”]
Rayna Boyanov: Here it is.
Solsa Dudaev: What is this bullshit?
Rayna Boyanov: Bullshit? Solsa, I’ll have you know…
Susan Cooper: It’s the nuke.
Rayna Boyanov: Clever girl.
[Rayna opens the bottom of the trunk to bring out the nuke from its hiding place]
Susan Cooper: A lead-lined compartment.
Rayna Boyanov: Correct. The lead lining is thick as to mask any radiation detection. My father was extremely good at his job.
Sergio De Luca: Unbelievable! You know, you could have warned me, Rayna. I’ve been throwing my gym clothes on top of that thing for a week.
[referring to the nuke]
Solsa Dudaev: It is beautiful, huh?
Sergio De Luca: Yes, it is.
[suddenly De Luca’s men start killing Dudaev’s men and De Luca points his gun at Dudaev]
Rayna Boyanov: What the fuck are you doing?
Sergio De Luca: Conducting business.
[De Luca shoots Dudaev in the head killing him, then points his gun at Susan as she takes out her gun; to his men referring to the nuke]
Sergio De Luca: Put it in the helicopter. Don’t forget my diamonds.
[De Luca’s men take the nuke and diamonds]
Rayna Boyanov: What the fuck is going on?
Susan Cooper: De Luca played you, Rayna. And you led him right to it.
Sergio De Luca: You didn’t expect me to let him have it, did you? I mean, it’s like giving a Stradivarius to a hillbilly. I have a buyer who’s willing to pay me five hundred million Euros for it. And Dudaev would’ve never been able to get that bomb onto American soil. My buyer will have it in the middle of New York City and use it next week. So, you know, if you haven’t seen Phantom yet…
Rayna Boyanov: So, what? Does this mean you’re going to kill me too, Sergio?
Sergio De Luca: I’m afraid so. Sorry, Rayna. It’s just cleaner that way, you understand.
[as De Luca gets ready to shoot Rayna suddenly Ford bursts in]
Rick Ford: Explain it to me, De Luca!
[his coat gets caught in the door handle, this pulls him back and knocks him to the ground unconscious]
Susan Cooper: God. He means well.
Sergio De Luca: This day just keeps getting better and better.
Sergio De Luca: Thanks for the performance, folks. But sorry, Rayna, show’s over.
[as De Luca is about to shoot suddenly Susan grabs the gun fallen on the ground shoots De Luca in the arm then proceeds to take out his men as Bradley watches in shock]
Bradley Fine: Holy shit.
Susan Cooper: Where’s De Luca?
Bradley Fine: Susan!
[De Luca comes out from behind with his gun pointed at Susan]
Bradley Fine: Get down!
[Bradly pushes Susan away and he gets shot in the process]
Susan Cooper: No!
[Susan attacks De Luca, but he pushes her down and starts to strangle her]
Sergio De Luca: I should have killed you when I had the chance.
[as De Luca is strangling her]
Susan Cooper: Rayna!
Rayna Boyanov: What?
Susan Cooper: Under the car!
[Rayna grabs the gun from under the car]
Susan Cooper: Push it over!
[Rayna weakly pushes it a couple of inches away from her]
Susan Cooper: Seriously? God, use those fucking bird arms and push it!
[Rayna pushes the gun again, Susan manages to grab it, as she tries to shoot de Luca no bullets come out, De Luca laughs and Susan knocks him out]
[Ford becomes conscious]
Rick Ford: What happened? Did I get him?
[De Luca makes a run for it]
Susan Cooper: De Luca’s got the bomb on the helicopter. Get up!
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck me! I got this.
[Susan chases after De Luca]
Susan Cooper: No!
[to his men]
Sergio De Luca: Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! Come on!
[De Luca gets on the helicopter and sees Susan chasing after him]
Sergio De Luca: Kill her!
Rick Ford: I’ve got this. I’ve done this before!
[he pushes past Bradley and Rayna and start rushing towards De Luca’s helicopter]
Rick Ford: Cooper, you’re going to fuck this up!
Susan Cooper: Shut up and help!
[Susan catches on the helicopter as it lifts off while Ford jumps up and grabs onto her]
Susan Cooper: Are you kidding me? Ford, what the hell are you doing?
Rick Ford: I’m going to crawl up you and take out De Luca.
[he starts crawling up and grabs onto her breasts]
Susan Cooper: Get your hands off my boobs!
Rick Ford: I’m saving you!
[referring to Ford’s hands on her breasts]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Those do not belong on those!
[as he tries to hold onto Susan]
Rick Ford: I can’t get a good grip. Your pants are too slippery! You should have worn coarser pants!
Susan Cooper: Well, I’m sorry I’m didn’t wear my fucking sandpaper pants.
Rick Ford: Clench your ass! Clench your fucking ass!
Susan Cooper: Oh! Get out of there!
Rick Ford: Help me out!
[Ford starts crawling up her body again]
Susan Cooper: You motherfucker! I’m going to report you to HR.
Rick Ford: Hang on tight! I’m going to swing like I’m on a trapeze, and leap my way up to the cockpit…
[suddenly he slips, falls off of Susan, taking her shoes with him as he falls into the lake]
Rick Ford: I told you you was going to fuck this up, Cooper!
[De Luca tries to shake Susan off the helicopter, but she holds on]
Susan Cooper: Holy smokes! Ooh, that’s high! Goddamn it!
[referring to the shot in his shoulder]
Sergio De Luca: Fucking new suit.
Susan Cooper: This shit ends now!
[Susan hauls herself up the helicopter and opens the cockpit door]
Susan Cooper: Freeze!
Sergio De Luca: Oh, my God! I am not in the fucking mood for your bullshit!
Susan Cooper: Oh, yeah? Then you’ll love this!
[she pushes her finger in the bullet wound in his shoulder]
Susan Cooper: I am not in the mood for your bullshit!
[De Luca manages to grab his gun and point it as Susan]
Sergio De Luca: Back up! Sorry, spy. Playtime’s over.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, it is. Say goodbye to your toys!
[Susan grabs the nuke and case of diamonds]
Sergio De Luca: What are you doing? Don’t you dare! Oh, my God! Don’t!
[Susan throws them into the lake]
Sergio De Luca: No! Oh, my God!
[De Luca points his gun at Susan]
Sergio De Luca: Die.
[just as he’s about to shoot he’s shot dead by Nancy, who’s in a helicopter on the other side being flown by Aldo]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Woo-hoo! I just shot a man! Is it wrong it felt so right? It’s so me!
Aldo: Hey! Heroic lady! In my country, there is a saying about women like you, “Hot as fuck!”
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. Not now, Aldo.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Go, Susan!
[as she goes clap her weapon falls]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh. That was not part of my plan.
[suddenly De Luca becomes conscious and grabs hold of the cupcake necklace around Susan’s neck]
Sergio De Luca: Just like a woman to wear jewelry into battle.
[as he looks at it]
Sergio De Luca: Although, this is the ugliest fucking necklace I’ve ever seen!
Susan Cooper: Yes, it is. And it’s all yours with an adjustable toggle!
[she opens the toggle which loosens the necklace and De Luca falls out of the helicopter]
[Susan manages to take overflying the helicopter, then shouts over to Nancy]
Susan Cooper: Nice copter! Where did you get it?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It’s 50 Cent’s! I had to deputize him to let us use it. He is so afraid of me.
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: I’m a motherfucking spy! Let’s go shoot somebody else!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, simmer down, 50 Cent, or I’ll mount you again.
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: This day’s just getting better and better!
Nancy B. Artingstall: He wants me!
Susan Cooper: I think we should land. I dropped a nuke in the water.
[back on De Luca’s grounds, Susan watches the nuke being taken away]
Susan Cooper: Good job, guys. Sorry about the lake.
[50 Cent is signing some autographs]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: Alright, motherfucker, don’t push. You’re going to get your pictures. There’s enough 50 to go around. You know I just helped kill a terrorist, right? You ever see Kanye do some shit like that? He never, never!
[as Rayan is handcuffed and being taken away]
Rayna Boyanov: Well isn’t this wonderful? I was hoping to spend the rest of my life in jail. Give me some quality time to deal with the fact that I was sleeping with the man who killed my father. Anyway, call my lawyer. Get the Goyard tote from the hotel. I need everything on time…
Susan Cooper: Do you think I still work for you?
Rayna Boyanov: Whatever. Fuck you.
Susan Cooper: I knew you really liked me.
[Susan watches as Rayna is being taken away]
Susan Cooper: Hey! Fuck you too.
[Rayna gives a slight smile before trying to get into the car; to the cop]
Rayna Boyanov: Don’t touch my fucking hair! What are you looking at?
[Aldo, now dressed in a suit, walk up to Susan]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, Aldo, don’t. I am too tired to fend off your groping.
[Aldo now replies in a perfect British accent]
Aldo: Please. I understand completely. Look, my real name is Albert. MI6. Look, I’m sorry if
my disguise was a bit much. I just like to really get into character. Although I fear I may have become overexcited at certain points.
Susan Cooper: A little bit.
Aldo: By way of apology, should your work ever bring you to London, I would love to take you for dinner.
Susan Cooper: Okay. Yeah, I think that would be nice.
[he kisses Susan on her cheeks then tries to kiss her on the mouth but Susan pushes him away]
Susan Cooper: God!
[back in his Italian accent]
Aldo: How you like my English accent, huh? I learn it from the Downton Abbey.
[in a British accent again]
Aldo: No, I’m only joking.
[as he starts to walk away in his Italian accent again]
Aldo: Or am I?
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God.
[Bradley and Crocker walk over to Susan]
Bradley Fine: Coop, great work. What a job. Super Cooper, really amazing.
Susan Cooper: Thanks.
Elaine Crocker: Yes, it was. You really came through.
Susan Cooper: Thank you, ma’am.
Elaine Crocker: I’d like to keep you out in the field for now.
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Elaine Crocker: We need you to fly to Prague tomorrow to infiltrate an international drug-smuggling ring. Here’s your new identity.
[she hands Susan an envelope]
Elaine Crocker: You in, Cooper?
[Susan salutes Crocker]
Susan Cooper: Agent Susan Cooper reporting for duty, ma’am.
Elaine Crocker: Yeah. Nobody says or does that, but great.
Susan Cooper: I won’t do that.
[Susan looks inside the envelope to get her new identity passport]
Elaine Crocker: Francis Mays is an unemployed telemarketer living off her disability checks.
[Susan gasps at the hideous passport picture of her new identity]
Susan Cooper: Oh, sweet Jesus! And who wears reading glasses in their passport photo?
Bradley Fine: She’s only kidding. She got ya!
[they all laugh]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! That was a good one!
Elaine Crocker: Yeah, actually, I’m not. I don’t have a sense of humor.
Susan Cooper: No, you don’t.
Elaine Crocker: We’ll talk soon. Glad the pinkeye is under control.
Susan Cooper: That was actually an allergy…
[Crocker looks at her before turning to walk away]
Susan Cooper: Okay. Got it.
Bradley Fine: So, you’re a spy now, Coop.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: Congratulations.
Susan Cooper: Thanks.
Bradley Fine: I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone as good as you in the basement.
[Susan looks over to Nancy who’s talking animatedly to a group of people]
Susan Cooper: Well, I think you will. There’s a lot of good people down there.
Bradley Fine: So, hey, the thing is I know a great little restaurant right near here. Maybe you and I could go for a nice, long dinner?
[Susan looks over to Nancy again]
Susan Cooper: Um, you know what, I’m just kind of feeling like a girls night. You understand, right?
Bradley Fine: Yeah, sure. I’ll catch you later. You go have a great time.
Susan Cooper: Thank you.
[referring to his chest]
Susan Cooper: You’re a lot furrier than I thought you’d be.
Bradley Fine: Yeah.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: Smell you later, pal.
Bradley Fine: Hey, Coop. All those, uh, things you said about me to De Luca. Did you mean that?
Susan Cooper: God, I admire you.
[Bradley smiles thinking that she’d made it all up]
[Ford comes over to join Bradley and Susan]
Rick Ford: Glad you’re still alive, Beverly, you silly fucking girly wanker.
[in pain as Ford had grabbed his wounded shoulder]
Bradley Fine: God!
Rick Ford: Nice work, Cooper.
Susan Cooper: Wow. Is that a compliment? I know that’s not easy for you to do.
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck it. Look, you did a good job. Probably just beginner’s luck, though.
Susan Cooper: Oh, there we go. Where did you get a suit?
Rick Ford: I fucking made it, didn’t I?
Susan Cooper: It’s nice.
Susan Cooper: You still out of the CIA?
Rick Ford: Probably not, they need me. I think I need to spend some time on my own first, though. To clear my head.
[he walks over to a speed boat]
Rick Ford: I’m going to take this down the coast. Maybe spend some time in Italy, drive it to Greece. Sometimes a man needs to go to sea.
Susan Cooper: Sounds good, Ford. Good for you.
[Ford gets onto the boat]
Rick Ford: Take care.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Bye.
[Ford takes off on the boat]
Rick Ford: Arrivederci!
[as they watch Ford drive off on his boat]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you think he knows that’s a lake?
Susan Cooper: No, I don’t.
Susan Cooper: Let’s go.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay.
Susan Cooper: You can’t let anybody see how sore I am.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I got you.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Come here.
Susan Cooper: Ooh, my glutes are really seizing up.
Nancy B. Artingstall: If you’re sore, I’ll tell you what, take a hot bath and then we’re going to celebrate. I hope you like champagne and beef jerky.
Susan Cooper: Well… Oh. That’s a…
Nancy B. Artingstall: You have to! Because I stole a case of it.
Susan Cooper: I don’t know if I like them together.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Out of 50 Cent’s helicopter!
[as they walk off]
Susan Cooper: Slower, slower.
Rick Ford: Cooper, is this a fucking lake? How the fuck do I get to Italy?
[last lines; the next morning we see Cooper waking up in bed with a hangover]
Susan Cooper: Ow.
Rick Ford: Bosoms.
[Susan looks next to her and is shocked to see Ford sleeping next to her, she screams]
Rick Ford: Ah, stop screaming. You loved it.
[he then puts his arm over her and cuddles her close]
Susan Cooper: Ugh, God.
Total Quotes: 209