Spy Quotes – ‘I look like someone’s homophobic aunt!’

[as she watches Rayna hold her poisoned drink]
Susan Cooper: She killed Fine, Nance. I could really enjoy just watching her die right now. She’s the only one who knows where the bomb is, so Dudaev would never get his hands on it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, God, Susan. What are you going to do?
[Susan walks over to Rayan just before she’s about to take a sip of her drink]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me, ma’am. Hi, do you speak English? Because I think somebody just put a roofie in your cocktail.
Rayna Boyanov: Are you sure it wasn’t you?
Susan Cooper: What? No! God, I would never!
Rayna Boyanov: Could you point the man out?
Susan Cooper: Uh, well, he just kind of zipped out that, uh, door. He’s wearing a purple bowtie.
[Rayna gets one of her men to go look for the man]

Rayna Boyanov: Thank you, Miss…
Susan Cooper: Oh, Penny. Morgan. Um, but it’s no trouble, really. I mean, I think us ladies have to watch out for each other. This kind of thing happens all the time.
Rayna Boyanov: People often try to roofie you?
Susan Cooper: Once, I asked someone for a Tylenol and they gave me a Tylenol PM. I’m not sure what their intentions were, but…
[Rayna’s man returns to whisper something in her ear]
Rayna Boyanov: It seems they may have found him. Would you come with me to identify him?
Susan Cooper: Yes, of course. I’m happy to help.
[Rayna gets up, a bunch of her guards who were all sat around the room get up to join them]
Susan Cooper: Holy shit.

Rayna Boyanov: My friend here said she saw you put something in my drink.
Man in Purple Tie: I don’t know any of you people. Okay? I’m just in Rome on business. I was about to head back to my hotel and go to sleep.
Rayna Boyanov: Perfect. Just in time for a nightcap.
[she offers him her poisoned drink]
Rayna Boyanov: Apparently, there’s nothing wrong with it.
Man in Purple Tie: I don’t want your drink.
[Rayna whispers something in his ear and gives him her drink]
Man in Purple Tie: Fuck you, Rayna.
[he takes a sip of the drink]
Man in Purple Tie: Mmm, scrumptious. So, joke’s on you.
[suddenly he starts choking, he gives Rayna the finger and mouths the words]
Man in Purple Tie: Fuck you! Fuck you!
[he falls to the ground as the poison takes effect and burns a hole through his throat before dying]

[after the man in the purple tie dies Susan faints in horror for a moment]
Susan Cooper: How long was I out?
Rayna Boyanov: You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.
Susan Cooper: What happened?
Rayna Boyanov: It was all a dream. I’m just kidding. A man’s throat dissolved.
Susan Cooper: Sorry, I’m not usually, you know…
[Susan goes to get up but two of Rayna’s men come to help her up]
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank you. That’s surprisingly polite.

Susan Cooper: Sorry about that. I just, uh, I mean I’ve seen a lot of things in my day. I just haven’t, I have never seen that, exactly.
Rayna Boyanov: Penny, do you feel the need to tell anybody about what you just saw?
[Penny sees the reflection of Rayna’s men in her necklace, pointing their guns at the back of her head through]
Susan Cooper: I’m not going to tell anybody. You know, that asshole got what he deserved. I mean, I knew from the second I saw him, I thought, “That guy doesn’t deserve a throat.” So, good on you.
[Rayna indicate for her men to lower their guns]

Rayna Boyanov: I would like to take you to dinner to say thank you. And we must discuss this hideous dress, it’s just hysterical.
Susan Cooper: Oh, good, that’s what I was hoping for.
[to her men]
Rayna Boyanov: Oh, and by the way, Hristo was supposed to be looking after me at the bar and making sure nobody put anything in my drinks.
[to Susan]
Rayna Boyanov: They’ll give him a talking-to.
[they start walking back into the casino]
Susan Cooper: Seems fair. Maybe dock him a day’s wage.
[Susan hears a shot being fired as Hristo is killed]
Susan Cooper: Or shoot him in the head. That always works.

[Susan and Rayna are sat having dinner]
Susan Cooper: You know, Rome is quite amaz…
Rayna Boyanov: Rome is the worst.
Susan Cooper: Yes.
Rayna Boyanov: So boring and tacky.
Susan Cooper: I’m so glad one of us finally said it.
[Susan laughs and we see she her lipstick is all over her teeth]
Rayna Boyanov: You have lipstick on your teeth.
Susan Cooper: Really?
Rayna Boyanov: Looks like you ate a box of crayons.
Susan Cooper: Damn it.
[Susan quickly tries to wipe it with her napkin]

[the waiter places a dish containing two scallops on the table, thinking it’s a hand towel Susan takes it]
Susan Cooper: You know, I once saw someone eat one of these before.
[as she tries to unfold it, it starts tearing]
Susan Cooper: This is strange.
Rayna Boyanov: Do you always tear your food up into little pieces? You look like a squirrel.
Susan Cooper: I was just checking for the consistency.
[she puts a small piece into her mouth]
Susan Cooper: Mmm.
Rayna Boyanov: You eat like a baby.
Susan Cooper: Thank you.

Casino Waiter: So, do you like to have a look at the wine list?
Rayna Boyanov: Yes. Penny, you can order.
[the waiter hands her a booklet menu]
Susan Cooper: Okay. Oh. Has some heft. Okay.
[she opens the menu booklet]
Susan Cooper: I’m feeling a red. Kind of a red. I like a lot of noise. I like a little bit of, um, kind of a barky finish. I tend to like a white with the grit of a hummus, that’s, of course, been thinned out. Just kind of jump up in the front of your palate and then rip back and sizzle. Almost a mineral kind of dirt finish if we’re having meat.

[as she awkwardly looks through the wine menu booklet]
Susan Cooper: Okay, here, this is looking promising. Something with, this one has nice hints of toast and dogwood, I assume? Hmm? Uh, I will have the Sapori e Delizie.
Casino Waiter: Right. Uh, that is the name of this restaurant.
Susan Cooper: Yes, I’m aware of that. So, why don’t you surprise us with something that we don’t know? Like a delicious bottle of wine.
Casino Waiter: Yes. Right. Um, sorry, I will be back in five minutes, okay?
Susan Cooper: So hard to get good help these days. Don’t you find that? I find that.

[after the waiter leaves Rayna looks at Susan with suspicion and Susan has flashback to when Rayna shot Bradley]
Susan Cooper: Okay, I’m sensing, uh, can I do a little do over? I, uh, I really don’t know how to order wine. I just, I’m from a small town in Iowa and I saved up my money to come on this Rome trip. I had a little jar on my desk at work and everybody said, “You’re never going to make enough money.” But I did, and I’m here. And then I meet you, and I’m in a place I can’t afford to eat at a place like this, and I’m just trying to impress you, and I’m doing a really poor job of it.
Rayna Boyanov: I thought as much. Your cheap prom dress doesn’t exactly scream sophistication.
Susan Cooper: Oh. Well, you know, I didn’t go to prom, so maybe it is.

Rayna Boyanov: When I was a little girl growing up in Bulgaria which is the worst, by the way. Poor people everywhere and cabbages constantly cooking. There was this woman who was kicked out of her house and she lost all her money. She couldn’t even sell her body. So she became a clown on the streets. She would perform all her tricks standing in mud, and just cry and cry. You remind me of this woman.
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank you.
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about you. The fainting, the way you talk, your terrible sense of style.
Susan Cooper: I did get this at quite a lovely…
Rayna Boyanov: It makes me sad to think of you here spending all your savings on Rome. Come on, we’re going to Budapest.
Susan Cooper: Uh, Budapest?
Rayna Boyanov: I have some business to finish there and you can take my private jet when we’re done anywhere you want to get home. My way of repaying you for saving my life.

[after Rayna spots Ford in the casino she sends her men to kill him, but Susan manages to  send out a morse code message to Nancy cut the power, while the power is out, she creates a diversion to let Ford go by knocking Rayna and some of her men down]
Rayna Boyanov: What the fuck just happened?
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! Rayna. Thank God your hair broke your fall.
[she helps Rayna stand]
Susan Cooper: I don’t know what happened. The lights were going out, and I don’t know if it’s a robbery. Two of your guys slammed into me and took you down. I think one of them touched my bottom. I don’t know which one, but I definitely felt a hand. Are they going to be okay?
Rayna Boyanov: I wouldn’t worry about them. Their fate has just been sealed.

[inside Rayna’s private jet]
Susan Cooper: Wow. This is a really jazzy plane. Is this yours?
Rayna Boyanov: It was my father’s. You’ve never been on a private jet before?
Susan Cooper: Oh, no. I did get upgraded to, uh, premium economy once which was pretty plush.
Rayna Boyanov: Premium economy. Sounds like a pen for dirty animals.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, probably. Uh, but it was not quite like this.

[Rayna hands Susan a drink]
Susan Cooper: Thank you. Why are you being so nice to me? It can’t just be because I remind you of some sad Bulgarian clown.
Rayna Boyanov: You remind me of my mother.
Susan Cooper: Oh. Really? You know that, I mean you and I are, you and I are pretty close in age.
Rayna Boyanov: You’re funny. It’s the Bulgarian clown in you.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Rayna Boyanov: She was marvelous. But she was different. Eccentric, like you are.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Rayna Boyanov: The moment I saw you standing there in that abortion of a dress…
Susan Cooper: [to herself] Ah, come on.
Rayna Boyanov: It was as if to say, “This is what I’ve got, world. It’s hideous, but it’s mine.”

[Rayna shows Susan a photo of her mother, Susan gasps as she sees how awful she looks]
Rayna Boyanov: This was her.
Susan Cooper: Oh, wow. Hey, how’d you get that picture of me? I look amazing. Hello, doppelgänger.
Rayna Boyanov: She was the only person I could ever trust.
Susan Cooper: Well, here’s to your mom.
[holds up her glass for a toast]
Rayna Boyanov: To my mother. And to you.
Susan Cooper: And here’s to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl, but you’ll always be a hoot to me.
Rayna Boyanov: What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You’re delightful.
Susan Cooper: As are you.

[Susan wakes from being poisoned by Rayna with her drink, she is still holding onto the “stool softener” bottle that was going to take a pill from to stop the poison from taking effect]
Susan Cooper: What happened?
Rayna Boyanov: I’ve never seen somebody dive for stool softener before. That’s one thing that happened.
Susan Cooper: What did you do? Did you drug me?
Rayna Boyanov: Of course I did. I told you, I can’t trust anybody. I had to look through your things. Anyway, tell me, are your hemorrhoids particularly large, or just tenacious?
Susan Cooper: Stop texting!
Rayna Boyanov: I’m not texting. If you must know I’m playing Candy Crush and I just made level 95.
Susan Cooper: God, that is so rude!

[after the stewardess of her private jet tries to shoot her]
Rayna Boyanov: Jesus, Colin, what the fuck are you doing?
Frederick: I’m sorry, Rayna, but there’s been a change of plans.
Rayna Boyanov: Who paid you off, Colin?
Frederick: Colin hasn’t worked here for, like, eight months. I’m Fredrick.
Rayna Boyanov: Is that why you’re doing this? Because I don’t remember your fucking name?
Frederick: Let’s just say there’s some people who really want what you’re selling.
Rayna Boyanov: You don’t have to do this. I can give you a very comfortable life, Col…um…
Frederick: You forgot my name again, didn’t you?
Rayna Boyanov: No. No, I didn’t.
Frederick: Yeah?
Rayna Boyanov: It’s, mm…
Frederick: Don’t say fucking Colin.
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck! I don’t give a shit what your name is. You’re the fucking help!

[after Frederick shoots the pilot and Rayna’s guard, Susan manages to kill him and take over the plane’s control before they crash, in the back Rayna and the two dead bodies are floating and one of the dead men’s head goes up Rayna’s skirt]
Rayna Boyanov: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
Susan Cooper: I got it. I know what to do.
[Susan makes the plane take a sharp turn up making the dead bodies land on top of Rayna as the crash to the floor]
Susan Cooper: Oh, are you okay?
Rayna Boyanov: No! I’ve got a dead man’s head up my ass!

Susan Cooper: [to herself] This one’s for Fine. Downdraft!
[Susan makes the plane take sharp turn down again]
Rayna Boyanov: Not again! Do you have any idea what you’re fucking doing?
[Susan brings the plane back up again making the dead bodies land on top of Rayna as they crash back onto the plane’s floor]
Susan Cooper: Ooh, the controls are so sensitive.
[one of the dead bodies on top of Rayna defecates himself]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. One of these dead fuckers just shit his pants.

[after leveling out the plane]
Susan Cooper: Good thing I learned to use that flight simulator app, huh?
[from behind, Rayna points her gun at Susan]
Rayna Boyanov: Congratulations, Penny Morgan. You just blew your cover. Now put the plane on autopilot and get up. Any bullshit and I’ll blow your CIA brains all over that control panel.
[Susan puts the plane on autopilot and turns to face Rayna]
Susan Cooper: I know what you’re thinking. And you’re wrong. My real name is…
[Susan has flashback to when Nancy and her had the conversation about coming up with a spy name and remembers Nancy’s spy name]
Susan Cooper: Amber Valentine.
Rayna Boyanov: What are you, a porn star?
Susan Cooper: You’re fucking hilarious, huh?

Susan Cooper: I’m a private bodyguard, and your father hired me to protect you.
Rayna Boyanov: Bodyguard? You? Please.
Susan Cooper: That’s funny, because the way I see it, without me you would currently be crashed in the Alps right now. Or you’d be lying in a morgue with a hole burned in your throat. You little spoiled piece of shit.
Rayna Boyanov: Why would my father hire somebody like you?
Susan Cooper: Because he trusted me. And for whatever fucking reason, he loved you. Didn’t even want you to know I was watching you. So he was the one that made me come up with this whole loser Penny Morgan bullshit. Yeah, “Oh, you look just like my dead mama.” And fuck you for saying I look anything like that fucking beast. No wonder your father never had the son he wanted. You fuck that monster once and you just drop the fucking mic and walk out.

Rayna Boyanov: Fuck you. Everything you’ve said is a lie.
Susan Cooper: Oh. What happened? Did I hit a little sore spot? Yeah, he always wanted a son, and you knew it. Look, he wanted you to take over the business. He was just afraid you were going to get yourself killed. So if you want to live, and you want to unload that bomb you stick with me. And if you got a problem with that, you know what you can do, Rayna? You and your bullshit accent can land this fucking plane by yourselves.
[Rayna seems to believe her and lowers her gun]
Rayna Boyanov: Okay, bodyguard. But if I find out you’re lying to me about any of this, I’ll show you ways to die you never even dreamed of. Now, let’s go to Budapest. I need a fucking drink.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, I bet you fucking do.
[Rayna gives her the finger as she turns to get herself a drink and Susan breathes a sigh of relief]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God.

[Budapest, Hungary – as they arrive at the hotel]
Susan Cooper: So, what’s the plan? Who are we meeting?
Rayna Boyanov: You’re my bodyguard not my business partner, so just focus on guarding my body.
Susan Cooper: So not knowing who we’re meeting tonight is going to make me extra effective. That’s okay, I get it. I got shit to do. You’ll probably be fine. Why don’t I go get you a nice dress to be buried in? Dumbass.
Rayna Boyanov: I’m meeting a potential bidder, if you must know. If they don’t top the current offer, the sale will happen tomorrow.
Susan Cooper: Where?
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t know yet.

[Susan spots a man walking suspiciously up to Rayna, mistakenly believing him to be an assassin, she throws her phone at his head and he falls down]
Rayna Boyanov: Anton!
Anton: Ouch!
Rayna Boyanov: Anton is part of my security team, psycho!
Susan Cooper: Yeah, well, guess what? I don’t like his face. I don’t like the looks of your face!
Anton: And who the fuck are you?
Susan Cooper: I’m the person that’s going to cut your dick off and glue it to your forehead so you look like a limp-dick unicorn! That’s who the fuck I am!

Susan Cooper: Your name should be Mr. Bag o’ Dicks, not Anton.
Rayna Boyanov: Okay. Jesus. Let’s just calm down, okay?
Susan Cooper: Does he not look like a bag o’ dicks?
Rayna Boyanov: Enough. I can see why my father liked you now.
[to Anton]
Rayna Boyanov: Amber is my hired bodyguard. Be more like her.
Susan Cooper: And your head better not have broken my fucking phone.

[as they walk towards Rayna’s hotel room]
Rayna Boyanov: We’ve got a big night ahead of us. Don’t be afraid to clean yourself up, Amber. Take a shower is what I’m saying.
Susan Cooper: Yeah? Don’t be afraid to hit water yourself. You smell like a dead hooker that washed up on the beach then roasted in the sun for a week before anybody found her body.
Rayna Boyanov: Okay, you need to take it way down.
Susan Cooper: I’m sorry, that’s too much. Okay, that was too much.
Rayna Boyanov: Jeez!
Susan Cooper: Too much.
[Rayna goes into her room]

[after Rayna goes into her room Anton stands by her door looking at Susan]
Susan Cooper: What are you staring at? Huh? I will destroy you. And then after I’m done destroying you, I’ll take a picture of what’s left of your body and I’m going to text it to your mother. With a little note that says his last words were, “My mother was terrible. You did this to me.”
Anton: That’s so fucking mean.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, I’m so fucking mean. You just figured that out? And now give me your coat.
Anton: This is a man’s coat.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, but I don’t see a man, do I? I see a reject from The Sound of Music.
Anton: It was my mother’s coat, but she’s very masculine, so.
Susan Cooper: Yeah? You look like ABBA took a shit and put a trench coat on it.
Anton: Well, I won’t give it to you.

Susan Cooper: I’ve been in this dress for twelve fucking hours. Give me your coat.
Anton: No.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Anton: No, I won’t give you… This is my coat.
Susan Cooper: I’m going to reach through your fucking body and rip out your back like a fucking werewolf, without tearing the jacket. Just so I can wear your jacket, and give you a final “Fuck you.”
Anton: Oh, no, you won’t.
Susan Cooper: I’m going to take that fucking coat.
[we hear Susan hit Anton and walk off with his coat]
Susan Cooper: I warned you, you Swedish gummy fish motherfucker!
Anton: Ouch!

[back in her room Susan puts in her earpiece and gets in touch with Nancy]
Susan Cooper: Nance?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, my God, Susan! Hello. Hello? Just say something to me, please. Susan? Anything. I cannot handle this, Susan! There is nothing in real life that someone could do to a spy that is filthier or more upsetting than what my brain will cook up right now. So save me from myself, Susan! Because you know what’s going to happen. I’m going to get chattier, aren’t I? Did you know that you can’t ever change having big pores?
[Susan notices the camera in her room and decides to leave the hotel, as she leaves she puts her phone to her ear pretending she’s talking to Nancy]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Nancy, you are driving me nuts! I couldn’t talk because I was in an elevator filled with people.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’re alright. Oh, thank God.

Nancy B. Artingstall: You disappeared for twelve hours, we didn’t know what happened!
Susan Cooper: Well I had to take out my earpiece and my camera. Rayna’s on to our agents and she was going to spot my equipment from a mile away.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’re with Rayna? You’re not supposed to be within a mile away of her.
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I know, but I’m in deep and I’m getting such good intel. Please, I just need to remain on radio silence just a little bit longer.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, well, don’t worry, because I’ll be able to keep a better eye on you now.
Susan Cooper: What are you talking about? How?
[as Susan is taking a corner she suddenly bumps into Nancy]

Susan Cooper: What are you doing here?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Elaine wanted to know exactly what you were up to so I tracked your earpiece. They sent me here to find you.
Susan Cooper: They sent you?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Well, I’m as unknown as you are, so they thought my cover was safe.
Susan Cooper: Did they give you an identity?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It’s so cool. I said I wanted to be Amber Valentine…
Susan Cooper: What?
Nancy B. Artingstall: And they let me use it.
Susan Cooper: Hey, I don’t know why you got to pick your identity. I had to go as a freaking cat lady.

Rayna Boyanov: Amber!
[Rayna and Anton interrupt Susan and Nancy, they both turn to reply]
Susan and Nancy: Yes?
Rayna Boyanov: Who is this?
Susan Cooper: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know the police were here. This is my colleague, detective. The one I fucking told you about.
Rayna Boyanov: No, you didn’t.
Susan Cooper: Yes, I did, Helen Keller!
Anton: So you’re both named Amber?
Susan Cooper: What did I tell you about talking to me?
Anton: Nothing. You just said nothing about talking.
Susan Cooper: You know what? You want me to have Cagney and fucking Lacey explain it to you?
[she puts up her fists]
Susan Cooper: Cagney’s coming down your fucking throat. Lacey, she’s going to come up your ass. I’m going to meet them in the fucking middle and play your heart like a fucking accordion. I’m going to pump that shit until it pops, you Swedish bitch.
Anton: You wouldn’t dare.

Susan Cooper: You going to cry, you little Swiss fucking pussy?
Anton: I’m not going to cry.
Susan Cooper: You’re crying now!
Anton: I’m not! It’s so fucking hot!
[he wipes a tear from his face]
Rayna Boyanov: Okay, you know, just, let’s leave Anton alone for now. Please.

Rayna Boyanov: What’s your name?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan Cooper.
Susan and Nancy: What?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, sorry, it came out.
Susan Cooper: What did I…? She’s not supposed to fucking say her real name. She’s one of my best. She’s highly fucking skilled.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Very skilled.
Rayna Boyanov: At what? Getting things out of a high cupboard?
[Nancy laughs]
Susan Cooper: Don’t do that.
Nancy B. Artingstall: That’s very good! Because I’m tall. Weirdly, I’m not very good at reaching high things. A doctor once said to me I have the muscle capacity of an infant. My arms are like two noodles.
[suddenly car drives by, starts shooting a machine gun at Rayna and kill Anton in the process before driving off]

[to Nancy after unknown assailant shoot as them]
Susan Cooper: Susan, get Rayna to safety, now!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’ve got her.
Susan Cooper: Go!
[Susan finds a scooter with a roof on it and gets on it, the owner tries to stop her]
Susan Cooper: Get away!
[just as Susan is about ride off on the scooter, it falls sideways to the ground]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! Who puts a roof on a scooter?! What are you, the Pope?
[Susan then gets onto a pizza delivery scooter to chase after the assailant’s car]

[after trying to chase after the assailant Susan finds a detour to get ahead but finds the road is closed due to road works, so she decides to jump over the signs]
Susan Cooper: Let’s do this! I am so badass!
[as her scooter flies across the road signs she lands on some wet cement, the road workers all yell at her]
Susan Cooper: I got it. I know what you’re saying. You’re no prize yourself! Get back to work!

[as Nancy tries to get Rayan away by hiding her head under her arm beneath her jacket]
Rayna Boyanov: Where are we going? Smells like cheese under here!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Apologies. I may be sweating cheese because I had quite a hearty lasagna.
[Rayna gets out from under Nancy’s arm]
Rayna Boyanov: Fucking ridiculous clown show! This fuckery stops now.

[Susan finally catches up with the assailant, she stops her scooter to have a faceoff with the assailant’s car when an American tourist interrupts her]
American Tourist: Excuse me, do you know if there’s a Popeyes Chicken around here?
Susan Cooper: What?
American Tourist: I saw a KFC down the way, but I’m more of a Popeyes guy. The food is really weird…
[the car revs up and starts making its way towards Susan, so she get her gun out]
American Tourist: Oh, my God! I’ll ask someone else!

[Susan chases after the assailant’s car again]
Susan Cooper: Okay, enough!
[she shoots at the tire and the car crashes into a bunch of parked cars]
Susan Cooper: Drop your weapon!
[Susan finds the assailant is Agent Karen Walker]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Karen. Why aren’t you in Capri? I’m so sorry I shot you. You must not have known it was me, either. I changed my hair.
Karen Walker: Oh, yeah. Looks really good. Are those extensions?
Susan Cooper: Ah, no. It’s just my hair. You know, a few clips. Colored.
Karen Walker: Okay, if you say so. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry about this, too.
[as she goes to shoot Susan she’s suddenly shot in the head by a sniper]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God.
[Susan flees on her scooter]

[Susan pulls up outside the hotel and finds Nancy on her own looking worse the wear]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan! My thighs are on fire!
Susan Cooper: I don’t care! Where is Rayna?
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don’t know. She slipped off me, I was very sweaty.
Susan Cooper: I thought I asked you to watch her.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don’t know how she ran so fast, particularly with that hair. It must weigh twenty pounds at least. Maybe she’s a witch. Do you think she put a spell on me?

Susan Cooper: Karen Walker is dead.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What?
Susan Cooper: She’s a double agent! Somebody shot her right in front of me. I don’t know who did it. I don’t know how deep this whole thing goes!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, my God.
[suddenly someone pours water all over Susan’s head, they look up to see Rayna leaning out of her hotel room window]
Rayna Boyanov: Get your motherfucking asses up here! Now!

[as they ride up in the elevator to meet with Rayna]
Nancy B. Artingstall: But what if she heard?
Susan Cooper: She didn’t hear.
Nancy B. Artingstall: But what if she did hear?
Susan Cooper: We weren’t even talking that loud.
Nancy B. Artingstall: A woman like that has super ears.
Susan Cooper: Okay, she does not have super ears, and I’m only bringing this up because you asked me to, but you are putting a very negative spin on this situation.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, wow. We’re going with that now, are we, Amber Valentine?
Susan Cooper: Susan Cooper, really? Susan Cooper?

[as they are about to walk off the elevator to go meet with Rayan]
Nancy B. Artingstall: My legs won’t seem to move.
Susan Cooper: Okay, Nancy, I realize that you’re scared, but you are in this now, and I really, really need you to hold it together.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Holding it together. I shall now be the most held-together person you have ever met.
Susan Cooper: Okay. Let’s go.
[as Nancy goes to take a step out of the elevator she faints]

[as they walk along the hall to get to Rayna’s room]
Susan Cooper: Be prepared for anything, she’s erratic. It’s impossible to tell what she’s thinking.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Probably because she’s thinking in Bulgarian.
[as Susan goes to knock on the door Nancy kneels down]
Susan Cooper: What are you doing?
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m just tying up my shoelaces.
Susan Cooper: You’re wearing a loafer. Get over here!
[Susan rings the bell and Rayna immediately opens the door]
Rayna Boyanov: Get in!

[Rayna is pacing in her room in anger as she holds her gun]
Rayna Boyanov: Shit! People are trying to kill me and all that’s left of my fucking security team is you two defending me, and you look like somebody’s demented aunts on vacation!
[she drops her gun in her bag, Susan and Nancy breathe a sigh of relief, but then she picks up another gun]
Rayna Boyanov: Do you have anyone on your team other than this asthmatic Big Bird?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, we usually just use her for non-physical security resources.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m very non-physically resourceful. I do a lot of reading. I read palms and maps, and I’ve read all of The Hunger Games…
Rayna Boyanov: How is that helpful?!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don’t know. I’m panicking!
Rayna Boyanov: And you! You have to stop with these stupid Penny Morgan outfits! You have to dress like an actual human! Get me more security when I come back out here or you’re both dead!

[Susan walks out of the hotel wearing another expensive looking outfit and a new hairstyle]
Susan Cooper: Suck on this, Rayna.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This mission’s going to cost you money, you know. The clothing allowance cut off halfway through the last…
Susan Cooper: My God, can you just please concentrate on getting the new bodyguard? Goddamn it! Please!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Alright, alright. Crabby. I’ve already contacted the agency.
[next Susan opens her hotel room to meet the new agent when she sees it’s Aldo]
Susan Cooper: Oh, come on!
Aldo: You, in this outfit. Magnifico!
[Susan closes the door in his face]

[later that night at the party where Rayna is supposed to meet a potential bidder]
Rayna Boyanov: Goddamn it, I told you to dress up. And take off those gloves, you look like Darth fucking Vader.
Susan Cooper: Yeah? Well, you look like an Ewok died on your head.
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t even know what that means.
Susan Cooper: You’re going to know what it means when I split you open like a Tauntaun.
Rayna Boyanov: Whatever. Keep an eye out for this woman.
[she shows Susan the photo of the woman, Lia, who had tried to kill Ford]
Rayna Boyanov: She’s the one coming to make the bid.
Susan Cooper: Very pretty.
Rayna Boyanov: I’m glad you know what pretty is. You should remember it next time you’re in a clothing store.

Susan Cooper: I need you to keep your eyes open. I may need your help out there.
Aldo: To close my eye in the presence of this beautiful body would be a crime.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God.

[Susan spots Ford, with a wig and moustache, on the dance floor dancing with a woman]
Susan Cooper: Son of a bee sting.
[Susan walks over to Ford]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me, he’s mine. Yeah.
[she pushes the woman and she falls down]
Susan Cooper: I didn’t mean to hit her that hard. God, you’re like a balloon animal. Here, take those.
[she throws her gloves at the woman]

[Susan tries to push Ford off the dance floor]
Susan Cooper: Hey. What are you doing, Ford?
Rick Ford: I’m here to help you, Cooper. You may have found Rayna, but you cannot lose her. This isn’t fucking playtime anymore!
Susan Cooper: Yeah? It’s playtime on your face, with your stupid mustache! Huh? Where’d you get that from, off a Mr. Potato Head?
Rick Ford: You are going to blow my fucking cover!
Susan Cooper: Yeah? Sunglasses are not a cover, they’re an accessory.
Rick Ford: Get out of here! You’re going to fuck this up without me around to save your girly ass.
Susan Cooper: God, I hate you so much!
Rick Ford: You can’t let your desire for me put you in danger, Cooper.
[Ford tries to kiss her]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, you wish, Magnum.

Susan Cooper: You dance like a horny eighth grader. Are you erect? Get off me!
Rick Ford: Blend in, or get the fuck out!
[she tries to push Ford]
Susan Cooper: You get out of here!
[Ford tries to push her back but she’s too strong for him]
Susan Cooper: Yeah, who’s dominating now?
[Ford lands on the floor when Susan lets him go]
Rick Ford: Ah. Fuck!
[Ford goes to grab Susan again to trip her up]
Susan Cooper: Don’t, you son of a bitch.
[they both fall to the floor and Ford gets on top of her]
Susan Cooper: You’ve got to be kidding! Get off of me!
Rick Ford: You get off of me!
Susan Cooper: Get your silky shirt off of me!
[the kneel up]
Rick Ford: Blend in, or get the fuck out.
[they both start to blend in by dancing as they knelt down on the dance floor]

[at the party 50 Cent is introduced on stage]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: What’s up, Budapest? I just had some goulash. The shit was on point!
[back on the dance floor Susan spots Lia; to Ford]
Susan Cooper: Oh, shit. She’s here. Okay, we can’t let Rayna see her, so you need to take out her bodyguards and I’ll deal with her.
Rick Ford: Ain’t nobody orders me around.
Susan Cooper: God, do you have a better idea?
Rick Ford: Yeah, we release a gas in the club causing everybody to get temporary amnesia. Get a hundred sticks of dynamite…
Susan Cooper: Oh, God! Just go! Just go!
[Ford heads off to deal with Lia’s bodyguard]

[through her earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I need you to get in here now.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m coming, Susan. I’m here. I’m here.
[Nancy enters the party]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Pardon. Excuse me. Okay. I’m here. I’m here.
[Nancy sees 50 Cent on stage singing]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, wow! 50 Cent Piece! Thanks for letting me know.
[she starts dancing along to his song]

Susan Cooper: Do not let Rayna see that woman! Create a diversion, now.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What kind of diversion?
Susan Cooper: A big one!
[as 50 Cent is singing on stage, Nancy suddenly charges towards him]
Nancy B. Artingstall: 50, I love you!
[Nancy jumps onto 50 Cent and takes him down]
Nancy B. Artingstall: 50, I love you! Kiss me!
[50 Cent’s bodyguards grab hold of Nancy]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: Get her!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Take me now!

[as Ford takes out Lia’s bodyguard Susan goes to Lia and points her gun at her back]
Susan Cooper: Turn around.
[back on the stage Nancy is still on top of 50 Cent]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: Get off!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m coming in!
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I got her. Meet me outside.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, okay. Right.
[to the guards holding her]
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, I’m fine now. Thank you so much.
[she gets off 50 Cent]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay. No, I got my wish. That was it. I’ve now got to jump Michael Bublé in Croatia. He wants me.

Rick Ford: Alright, Cooper. I’ve got this under control.
[to Lia]
Rick Ford: You’re coming with me.
[Lia kicks Ford and grabs hold of Susan]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, my God! Susan! Okay, bigger diversion. Huge diversion.
[she presses some buttons on the stage which pops up some smoke on the dance floor, Susan manages to get out of Lia’s grip but Lia runs off]
Susan Cooper: Bitch!
[Aldo comes over to Susan]
Susan Cooper: I got to know who she’s working for. Get Rayna out of here!

[Susan chases after Lia]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, where are you?
[we see Nancy being escorted by some guards out of the party]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Bit indisposed. It turns out 50 Cent doesn’t have a great sense of humor or irony.
Susan Cooper: I need backup! I lost my gun in the club!

[Susan manages to catch up with Lia and they fight it out for a while until Lia tries to stab her with a knife]
Susan Cooper: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! This isn’t what you want, or what I want. I mean, this is like what the Man wants. Us, you know? Two smart, pretty brunettes kind of breaking each other down. I mean, you look similar to a gal I was in college with. Things happened. I think we all dabble. It’s mostly just kind of stuff with hands and…
Lia: God, I can’t wait to kill you.
[Lia attacks Susan again, they continue to fight it out]

[as they fight Susan stabs a knife through Lia’s hand, but Lia takes it out]
Susan Cooper: Ooh. That’s clean through.
Lia: Thanks for your weapon.
Susan Cooper: Well, you know, it’s been inside you, so I don’t think it should go inside me. Okay?
[Lia attacks Susan with the knife, but Susan manages to disarm her]
Susan Cooper: Get up. Get up!
[she grabs Lia by her throat]
Susan Cooper: You are under arrest by Susan Cooper and the government of the United States.
[suddenly a knife is launched straight into Lia, killing her]

[after Lia is killed Susan turns to see Rayna]
Susan Cooper: Rayna, how did you do that?
Rayna Boyanov: I didn’t. He did.
[Bradley walks up behind Rayna]
Bradley Fine: Hello, Coop.
Susan Cooper: Fine?
[two of Rayna’ men knock Susan out unconscious]

[Susan becomes conscious to find herself tied to a chair and looking at Bradley]
Bradley Fine: Coop.
[Rayna throws water onto Susan’s face]
Rayna Boyanov: Wake up! Did you have a nice nap? You were snoring very loudly.
Susan Cooper: Well that’s just really not the most upsetting news right now.
Rayna Boyanov: My father used to bring people here.
Susan Cooper: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?
Rayna Boyanov: He’d starve them, torture them, you name it. But he especially didn’t like it when people lied to him. Not that I bought it.
Susan Cooper: You knew?
Rayna Boyanov: Of course I knew.
Bradley Fine: I told you, you were better off in the basement, Coop. You could have avoided all of this.
Susan Cooper: And what, Fine? Now you’re a nuclear black marketer? A terrorist?
Rayna Boyanov: No. He’s just fucking me.
[she pulls Bradley into her arms and kisses him]

[as she watches Rayna kiss Bradley in front of her]
Susan Cooper: You’re a loud kisser.
Rayna Boyanov: Excuse me?
Susan Cooper: You’re a loud kisser, and it’s gross and unappealing. You look like some old, toothless woman sucking the jelly out of a donut. Hey, what’s it like sleeping with the man that killed your father?
Bradley Fine: Nice try, Coop. She already knows it was Cress.
Susan Cooper: Ah. Okay.
Rayna Boyanov: You’ve probably always been in love with him, haven’t you? Talking in his ear, hoping eventually one day he’ll fall in love with you.
[Rayna chuckles]
Rayna Boyanov: Poor little, pathetic Susan Coleman.
Susan Cooper: Well that’s not my last name, so it’s really not much of a burn, is it?

Rayna Boyanov: Cooping.
Susan Cooper: No.
Rayna Boyanov: Croupon.
Susan Cooper: Are you thinking Groupon? No, my name’s not Groupon.
Rayna Boyanov: Croupe.
Susan Cooper: Keep going.
Rayna Boyanov: Kapowski.
Susan Cooper: That’s getting further from it!
Rayna Boyanov: Well, whatever the fuck it is, let’s just call you dead.
[she places her gun against Susan’s head]
Bradley Fine: Hey, baby? I thought we were going to hang on to her till tonight.
Rayna Boyanov: I changed my mind. Goodbye.
[she pulls the trigger but there’s no bullet, Rayna laughs]
Rayna Boyanov: Like I’d waste a bullet on you. Put her in the room.

[Susan is thrown into a room where Aldo is also being kept with his hands tied behind his back]
Susan Cooper: Hey, Aldo.
Aldo: Hello, captured lady.
Susan Cooper: I failed. I failed the mission. Fine is alive, and he’s a traitor.
Aldo: Don’t be downhearted. My mama said to me, “Aldo, life is full of sorrow and surprises. But, a magnificent pair of bosoms will, uh…”
[he stares at Susan’s breasts]
Susan Cooper: Good story.

[Bradley comes to visit Susan in her cell]
Bradley Fine: Susan.
Susan Cooper: Get away from me.
Bradley Fine: No, listen. I haven’t got much time.
Susan Cooper: Why’d you do it, Fine?
Bradley Fine: This was my only way in. I had to fake my death to gain Rayna’s trust. I jammed the signal, popped out my lens. It was easy. I hated to do it to you, Coop, but I had to. I had to. Rayna knew all about our agents because Karen Walker sold her the names. I just couldn’t trust anyone at the agency not to give me away, not even you.
Susan Cooper: How do I even know you’re telling me the truth?
Bradley Fine: Did Karen Walker try to kill you?
Susan Cooper: You shot her?
Bradley Fine: I’m deep undercover. But not so deep that I can’t still protect you.

Susan Cooper: Alright, look me in the eye.
Bradley Fine: What?
Susan Cooper: Really look me in the eye.
[Bradley looks at her]
Susan Cooper: One of your eyes is bigger than the other.
Bradley Fine: Really?
Susan Cooper: No. You’re perfect, Goddamn it. Asshole.
[she head-butts him]
Susan Cooper: God!
Bradley Fine: That hurt.
Susan Cooper: Good, it was supposed to.

Aldo: Bosom.
Bradley Fine: Is he dangerous?
Susan Cooper: Only if you have boobs. So did Rayna really know I was a spy?
Bradley Fine: No. Not until you blew your cover back at that kitchen. I really thought she was more experienced than that. Thank God she’s not, huh? Because if she was, well you’d be dead now.
Susan Cooper: I think it was a pretty good cover, so…
Bradley Fine: I got to go. We’re heading to De Luca’s villa to meet with Dudaev. Then we’re taking him to wherever the bomb is. This thing is almost over.
[he kisses Susan on her forehead]
Bradley Fine: Hang tight.
[Bradley leaves]

Aldo: Hello, bound lady.
Susan Cooper: Not now, Aldo.
Aldo: I think Mr. Fine has underestimated you. You found your targets, you tracked them down, you fought very hard. Susan, you are a good agent. You’ll get them next time, huh? Unless we die here. Then you will not.
Susan Cooper: You know what? I’m not going down like this. I need you to untie me.
Aldo: Bosom. What?
Susan Cooper: Stop! Goddamn it!
[she turns herself around so he can have access to her tied hands]
Susan Cooper: Just untie me.
Aldo: No, you heard Mr. Fine. He’s working a plan, we have to stay put.
Susan Cooper: Untie me. Now.

[Aldo turns himself so he can use his tied hands to untie Susan’s]
Susan Cooper: That’s my ass.
Aldo: It is very difficult to see or gauge my position.
Susan Cooper: You’re just simply grabbing my ass.
Aldo: Oh. I am sorry. Let’s roll to our side.
[they roll down to the ground]
Susan Cooper: God! Oh! Hey!
Aldo: The knot is very tight, but I am making progress.
Susan Cooper: Your hand is way up in there.
Aldo: My right hand is restrained from the weight of my body. Okay, let’s try this.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God.
Aldo: Okay. I will inchworm my way…
[he tries to squirm his way toward Susan grunting loudly]
Aldo: You’re being very loud.

[after failing to untie Susan’s hands]
Aldo: Wait, I have idea.
Susan Cooper: God. Another one? Oh, Jesus.
Aldo: Don’t move.
[Aldo gets on his knees and makes his way in front of Susan]
Susan Cooper: Wait, wait, wait!
Aldo: Stay still.
Susan Cooper: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Aldo: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God!
[he places his knees between Susan’s head]
Aldo: Yes. Excusi.
Susan Cooper: Can’t be happening.
[Aldo bends down to use his mouth to untie Susan’s hands]
Susan Cooper: Damn it, I was having such an empowering moment before this started.

[as he’s leaning over Susan]
Aldo: My penis may be gently kissing the back of your head.
Susan Cooper: Just untie me before I crush your nuts.
Aldo: Oh, please. If only we had time for such pleasures.
[Aldo tries to use his mouth and teeth to untie Susan’s hands]
Susan Cooper: Oh! Your face and the knot are about to enter my colon. God! Oh, stop licking it!
[Aldo then manages to untie her hands]
Aldo: It is done.
Susan Cooper: Thank you, Aldo. I don’t want to know why my neck is wet, but you did excellent work.
Aldo: Prego.
Susan Cooper: Okay, turn around. Let me untie you, and let’s get the fuck out of here.

[after Susan knocks out the Rayna’s two guards outside their cell]
Susan Cooper: I need you to alert CIA and Interpol. I’m going to go to De Luca’s and back up Fine.
Aldo: You know where the villa is?
Susan Cooper: I know everything.
Aldo: One day, lady super spy, Susan Cooper, I will fuck you.

[at De Luca’s place]
Sergio De Luca: Welcome to Lake Balaton. I found this staircase and made them build a house around it. Our dear Mr. Dudaev will be arriving shortly. You are about to become a very rich woman, Rayna. Which means you’ll have to be a little more careful about the company you keep. So many people have such terrible agendas, like perhaps your friend here. I can see his obvious outer appeal.
[to Bradley]
Sergio De Luca: You have terrific eyes.
Bradley Fine: Thanks.
Sergio De Luca: But he also works for the CIA, doesn’t he? An odd choice of companion for someone in your work, Rayna. Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in those around you.
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck you, Sergio. You would never talk to my father like that.
Sergio De Luca: I never had to.

Bradley Fine: Mr. De Luca, it’s true. I worked for the CIA, but they think I’m dead. I’m with Rayna now, and I’m here to help you both.
Sergio De Luca: You and Karen Walker are both double agents. What’s going on at the CIA? Drones taking all the cool assignments? If we don’t get rid of him right now, I’m calling off the deal.
[De Luca’s men get their gun ready to kill Bradley]
Rayna Boyanov: Don’t you fucking dare.
[suddenly Susan enters pointing her gun at De Luca]
Susan Cooper: Yeah, why don’t you listen to that asshole. Don’t you fucking dare.
Sergio De Luca: Uh, you’re a bit outnumbered here, Miss, I’m sorry, what the fuck is your name?
Susan Cooper: Susan Cooper. I’m with the CIA.
Sergio De Luca: Jesus. Rayna, did you invite the entire agency here, or are they just having a company retreat at the villa next door?
Susan Cooper: God, you’re funny, huh? It’s just me.

Susan Cooper: It’s going to be in your best interest to keep Fine and me alive.
Sergio De Luca: I’m trying, but I’m not quite following your logic.
Susan Cooper: You want me to slow it down for you? Okay. You’re about to meet with Solsa Dudaev, a man I’ve been collecting intelligence on for years. And I’m guessing that your boys here are too busy manscaping to have told you how he does business. Because about half the people he deals with end up dead. I can tell you what Dudaev’s going to do five minutes before he even thinks about it. And I sure as shit know enough to cover up a Russian flag tattoo since Dudaev’s brother was killed by the Russian military. Jesus! You own a computer? You heard of fucking Google? I’ll tell you another thing. You know your little girlfriend, the one from the Paris bombing? She’s just using you to get to Rayna. If it hadn’t been for me last night she would’ve kidnapped her at the club and then you’d be standing her with your dick in your hand, because you’d never find that bomb. So you need me, De Luca. And I’m not going to help you unless you keep Fine alive.

[De Luca’s men lower the guns]
Sergio De Luca: So now, let me get this straight. You work for the CIA yet you’re willing to help me sell a nuclear bomb in order to save this man’s life? Why would I believe that?
Rayna Boyanov: Because she’s in love with him. Hm?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, so what? This idiot doesn’t even know it. Too dumb to know I’d do anything for him. And fuck the CIA, right? What have they ever done for me? Took ten years of my life, gave me shitty pay, put me in a basement with a ceiling full of bats that pretty sure gave me pinkeye or at least an allergy. Something got fucked up in my eye. I would’ve been out a long time ago if it hadn’t been for Fine.
[Bradley looks taken aback]
Susan Cooper: So, yeah, I’ll do anything it takes to keep him alive. That’s pretty pathetic, right?
Rayna Boyanov: Extremely pathetic.
Susan Cooper: God, you’re an asshole. When this is over, I’m going to shave that fucking head.
Sergio De Luca: Alright, Miss Havisham. I’ll take you up on your offer. But if you try anything, I mean anything, I’ll make your dream come true and send you and your boyfriend to heaven. Let’s go.

[Dudaev and his men pull up outside De Luca’s house]
Sergio De Luca: Mr. Dudaev, welcome to Hungary. Like Chechnya, only easier to pronounce.
Solsa Dudaev: Enough with the bullshit. Where is the package?
Sergio De Luca: Once my client sees the payment, she’ll take us all to its very secure hiding spot. Wherever that may be.
[Dudaev indicates for one of his men to bring out a suitcase]
Sergio De Luca: I got it, handsome.
[De Luca opens the suitcase to reveal diamonds]
Sergio De Luca: Hundred million Euros doesn’t buy what it used to, does it?
[he inspects one of the diamonds]
Sergio De Luca: Nice ice, Solsa. Right.
[turning to Rayna]
Sergio De Luca: He’s all yours.
Rayna Boyanov: Gentlemen, if you would follow me.

[Rayan takes everyone to the garage, opens the trunk of the Rolls-Royce “Renaldo”]
Rayna Boyanov: Here it is.
Solsa Dudaev: What is this bullshit?
Rayna Boyanov: Bullshit? Solsa, I’ll have you know…
Susan Cooper: It’s the nuke.
Rayna Boyanov: Clever girl.
[Rayna opens the bottom of the trunk to bring out the nuke from its hiding place]
Susan Cooper: A lead-lined compartment.
Rayna Boyanov: Correct. The lead lining is thick as to mask any radiation detection. My father was extremely good at his job.
Sergio De Luca: Unbelievable! You know, you could have warned me, Rayna. I’ve been throwing my gym clothes on top of that thing for a week.

[referring to the nuke]
Solsa Dudaev: It is beautiful, huh?
Sergio De Luca: Yes, it is.
[suddenly De Luca’s men start killing Dudaev’s men and De Luca points his gun at Dudaev]
Rayna Boyanov: What the fuck are you doing?
Sergio De Luca: Conducting business.
[De Luca shoots Dudaev in the head killing him, then points his gun at Susan as she takes out her gun; to his men referring to the nuke]
Sergio De Luca: Put it in the helicopter. Don’t forget my diamonds.
[De Luca’s men take the nuke and diamonds]

Rayna Boyanov: What the fuck is going on?
Susan Cooper: De Luca played you, Rayna. And you led him right to it.
Sergio De Luca: You didn’t expect me to let him have it, did you? I mean, it’s like giving a Stradivarius to a hillbilly. I have a buyer who’s willing to pay me five hundred million Euros for it. And Dudaev would’ve never been able to get that bomb onto American soil. My buyer will have it in the middle of New York City and use it next week. So, you know, if you haven’t seen Phantom yet…
Rayna Boyanov: So, what? Does this mean you’re going to kill me too, Sergio?
Sergio De Luca: I’m afraid so. Sorry, Rayna. It’s just cleaner that way, you understand.
[as De Luca gets ready to shoot Rayna suddenly Ford bursts in]
Rick Ford: Explain it to me, De Luca!
[his coat gets caught in the door handle, this pulls him back and knocks him to the ground unconscious]
Susan Cooper: God. He means well.
Sergio De Luca: This day just keeps getting better and better.

Sergio De Luca: Thanks for the performance, folks. But sorry, Rayna, show’s over.
[as De Luca is about to shoot suddenly Susan grabs the gun fallen on the ground shoots De Luca in the arm then proceeds to take out his men as Bradley watches in shock]
Bradley Fine: Holy shit.
Susan Cooper: Where’s De Luca?
Bradley Fine: Susan!
[De Luca comes out from behind with his gun pointed at Susan]
Bradley Fine: Get down!
[Bradly pushes Susan away and he gets shot in the process]
Susan Cooper: No!
[Susan attacks De Luca, but he pushes her down and starts to strangle her]
Sergio De Luca: I should have killed you when I had the chance.

[as De Luca is strangling her]
Susan Cooper: Rayna!
Rayna Boyanov: What?
Susan Cooper: Under the car!
[Rayna grabs the gun from under the car]
Susan Cooper: Push it over!
[Rayna weakly pushes it a couple of inches away from her]
Susan Cooper: Seriously? God, use those fucking bird arms and push it!
[Rayna pushes the gun again, Susan manages to grab it, as she tries to shoot de Luca no bullets come out, De Luca laughs and Susan knocks him out]

[Ford becomes conscious]
Rick Ford: What happened? Did I get him?
[De Luca makes a run for it]
Susan Cooper: De Luca’s got the bomb on the helicopter. Get up!
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck me! I got this.
[Susan chases after De Luca]
Susan Cooper: No!
[to his men]
Sergio De Luca: Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! Come on!
[De Luca gets on the helicopter and sees Susan chasing after him]
Sergio De Luca: Kill her!

Rick Ford: I’ve got this. I’ve done this before!
[he pushes past Bradley and Rayna and start rushing towards De Luca’s helicopter]
Rick Ford: Cooper, you’re going to fuck this up!
Susan Cooper: Shut up and help!
[Susan catches on the helicopter as it lifts off while Ford jumps up and grabs onto her]
Susan Cooper: Are you kidding me? Ford, what the hell are you doing?
Rick Ford: I’m going to crawl up you and take out De Luca.
[he starts crawling up and grabs onto her breasts]
Susan Cooper: Get your hands off my boobs!
Rick Ford: I’m saving you!
[referring to Ford’s hands on her breasts]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Those do not belong on those!

[as he tries to hold onto Susan]
Rick Ford: I can’t get a good grip. Your pants are too slippery! You should have worn coarser pants!
Susan Cooper: Well, I’m sorry I’m didn’t wear my fucking sandpaper pants.
Rick Ford: Clench your ass! Clench your fucking ass!
Susan Cooper: Oh! Get out of there!
Rick Ford: Help me out!
[Ford starts crawling up her body again]
Susan Cooper: You motherfucker! I’m going to report you to HR.
[Ford slips]
Rick Ford: Hang on tight! I’m going to swing like I’m on a trapeze, and leap my way up to the cockpit…
[suddenly he slips, falls off of Susan, taking her shoes with him as he falls into the lake]
Rick Ford: I told you you was going to fuck this up, Cooper!

[De Luca tries to shake Susan off the helicopter, but she holds on]
Susan Cooper: Holy smokes! Ooh, that’s high! Goddamn it!
[referring to the shot in his shoulder]
Sergio De Luca: Fucking new suit.
Susan Cooper: This shit ends now!
[Susan hauls herself up the helicopter and opens the cockpit door]
Susan Cooper: Freeze!
Sergio De Luca: Oh, my God! I am not in the fucking mood for your bullshit!
Susan Cooper: Oh, yeah? Then you’ll love this!
[she pushes her finger in the bullet wound in his shoulder]
Susan Cooper: I am not in the mood for your bullshit!

[De Luca manages to grab his gun and point it as Susan]
Sergio De Luca: Back up! Sorry, spy. Playtime’s over.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, it is. Say goodbye to your toys!
[Susan grabs the nuke and case of diamonds]
Sergio De Luca: What are you doing? Don’t you dare! Oh, my God! Don’t!
[Susan throws them into the lake]
Sergio De Luca: No! Oh, my God!
[De Luca points his gun at Susan]
Sergio De Luca: Die.
[just as he’s about to shoot he’s shot dead by Nancy, who’s in a helicopter on the other side being flown by Aldo]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Woo-hoo! I just shot a man! Is it wrong it felt so right? It’s so me!

Aldo: Hey! Heroic lady! In my country, there is a saying about women like you, “Hot as fuck!”
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. Not now, Aldo.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Go, Susan!
[as she goes clap her weapon falls]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh. That was not part of my plan.
[suddenly De Luca becomes conscious and grabs hold of the cupcake necklace around Susan’s neck]
Sergio De Luca: Just like a woman to wear jewelry into battle.
[as he looks at it]
Sergio De Luca: Although, this is the ugliest fucking necklace I’ve ever seen!
Susan Cooper: Yes, it is. And it’s all yours with an adjustable toggle!
[she opens the toggle which loosens the necklace and De Luca falls out of the helicopter]

[Susan manages to take overflying the helicopter, then shouts over to Nancy]
Susan Cooper: Nice copter! Where did you get it?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It’s 50 Cent’s! I had to deputize him to let us use it. He is so afraid of me.
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: I’m a motherfucking spy! Let’s go shoot somebody else!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, simmer down, 50 Cent, or I’ll mount you again.
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: This day’s just getting better and better!
Nancy B. Artingstall: He wants me!
Susan Cooper: I think we should land. I dropped a nuke in the water.

[back on De Luca’s grounds, Susan watches the nuke being taken away]
Susan Cooper: Good job, guys. Sorry about the lake.
[50 Cent is signing some autographs]
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson: Alright, motherfucker, don’t push. You’re going to get your pictures. There’s enough 50 to go around. You know I just helped kill a terrorist, right? You ever see Kanye do some shit like that? He never, never!

[as Rayan is handcuffed and being taken away]
Rayna Boyanov: Well isn’t this wonderful? I was hoping to spend the rest of my life in jail. Give me some quality time to deal with the fact that I was sleeping with the man who killed my father. Anyway, call my lawyer. Get the Goyard tote from the hotel. I need everything on time…
Susan Cooper: Do you think I still work for you?
Rayna Boyanov: Whatever. Fuck you.
Susan Cooper: I knew you really liked me.
[Susan watches as Rayna is being taken away]
Susan Cooper: Hey! Fuck you too.
[Rayna gives a slight smile before trying to get into the car; to the cop]
Rayna Boyanov: Don’t touch my fucking hair! What are you looking at?

[Aldo, now dressed in a suit, walk up to Susan]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, Aldo, don’t. I am too tired to fend off your groping.
[Aldo now replies in a perfect British accent]
Aldo: Please. I understand completely. Look, my real name is Albert. MI6. Look, I’m sorry if
my disguise was a bit much. I just like to really get into character. Although I fear I may have become overexcited at certain points.
Susan Cooper: A little bit.
Aldo: By way of apology, should your work ever bring you to London, I would love to take you for dinner.
Susan Cooper: Okay. Yeah, I think that would be nice.
Aldo: Wonderful.
[he kisses Susan on her cheeks then tries to kiss her on the mouth but Susan pushes him away]
Susan Cooper: God!

[back in his Italian accent]
Aldo: How you like my English accent, huh? I learn it from the Downton Abbey.
[in a British accent again]
Aldo: No, I’m only joking.
[as he starts to walk away in his Italian accent again]
Aldo: Or am I?
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God.

[Bradley and Crocker walk over to Susan]
Bradley Fine: Coop, great work. What a job. Super Cooper, really amazing.
Susan Cooper: Thanks.
Elaine Crocker: Yes, it was. You really came through.
Susan Cooper: Thank you, ma’am.
Elaine Crocker: I’d like to keep you out in the field for now.
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Elaine Crocker: We need you to fly to Prague tomorrow to infiltrate an international drug-smuggling ring. Here’s your new identity.
[she hands Susan an envelope]
Elaine Crocker: You in, Cooper?
[Susan salutes Crocker]
Susan Cooper: Agent Susan Cooper reporting for duty, ma’am.
Elaine Crocker: Yeah. Nobody says or does that, but great.
Susan Cooper: I won’t do that.

[Susan looks inside the envelope to get her new identity passport]
Elaine Crocker: Francis Mays is an unemployed telemarketer living off her disability checks.
[Susan gasps at the hideous passport picture of her new identity]
Susan Cooper: Oh, sweet Jesus! And who wears reading glasses in their passport photo?
Bradley Fine: She’s only kidding. She got ya!
[they all laugh]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! That was a good one!
Elaine Crocker: Yeah, actually, I’m not. I don’t have a sense of humor.
Susan Cooper: No, you don’t.
Elaine Crocker: We’ll talk soon. Glad the pinkeye is under control.
Susan Cooper: That was actually an allergy…
[Crocker looks at her before turning to walk away]
Susan Cooper: Okay. Got it.

Bradley Fine: So, you’re a spy now, Coop.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: Congratulations.
Susan Cooper: Thanks.
Bradley Fine: I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone as good as you in the basement.
[Susan looks over to Nancy who’s talking animatedly to a group of people]
Susan Cooper: Well, I think you will. There’s a lot of good people down there.
Bradley Fine: So, hey, the thing is I know a great little restaurant right near here. Maybe you and I could go for a nice, long dinner?
[Susan looks over to Nancy again]
Susan Cooper: Um, you know what, I’m just kind of feeling like a girls night. You understand, right?
Bradley Fine: Yeah, sure. I’ll catch you later. You go have a great time.
Susan Cooper: Thank you.

[referring to his chest]
Susan Cooper: You’re a lot furrier than I thought you’d be.
Bradley Fine: Yeah.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: Smell you later, pal.
[she chuckles]
Bradley Fine: Hey, Coop. All those, uh, things you said about me to De Luca. Did you mean that?
Susan Cooper: God, I admire you.
[Bradley smiles thinking that she’d made it all up]

[Ford comes over to join Bradley and Susan]
Rick Ford: Glad you’re still alive, Beverly, you silly fucking girly wanker.
[in pain as Ford had grabbed his wounded shoulder]
Bradley Fine: God!
Rick Ford: Nice work, Cooper.
Susan Cooper: Wow. Is that a compliment? I know that’s not easy for you to do.
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck it. Look, you did a good job. Probably just beginner’s luck, though.
Susan Cooper: Oh, there we go. Where did you get a suit?
Rick Ford: I fucking made it, didn’t I?
Susan Cooper: It’s nice.

Susan Cooper: You still out of the CIA?
Rick Ford: Probably not, they need me. I think I need to spend some time on my own first, though. To clear my head.
[he walks over to a speed boat]
Rick Ford: I’m going to take this down the coast. Maybe spend some time in Italy, drive it to Greece. Sometimes a man needs to go to sea.
Susan Cooper: Sounds good, Ford. Good for you.
[Ford gets onto the boat]
Rick Ford: Take care.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Bye.
[Ford takes off on the boat]
Rick Ford: Arrivederci!
[as they watch Ford drive off on his boat]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you think he knows that’s a lake?
Susan Cooper: No, I don’t.

Susan Cooper: Let’s go.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay.
Susan Cooper: You can’t let anybody see how sore I am.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I got you.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Come here.
Susan Cooper: Ooh, my glutes are really seizing up.
Nancy B. Artingstall: If you’re sore, I’ll tell you what, take a hot bath and then we’re going to celebrate. I hope you like champagne and beef jerky.
Susan Cooper: Well… Oh. That’s a…
Nancy B. Artingstall: You have to! Because I stole a case of it.
Susan Cooper: I don’t know if I like them together.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Out of 50 Cent’s helicopter!
[as they walk off]
Susan Cooper: Slower, slower.

Rick Ford: Cooper, is this a fucking lake? How the fuck do I get to Italy?

[last lines; the next morning we see Cooper waking up in bed with a hangover]
Susan Cooper: Ow.
Rick Ford: Bosoms.
[Susan looks next to her and is shocked to see Ford sleeping next to her, she screams]
Rick Ford: Ah, stop screaming. You loved it.
[he then puts his arm over her and cuddles her close]
Susan Cooper: Ugh, God.