Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Jude Law, Jason Statham, Rose Byrne, Miranda Hart, Bobby Cannavale, Allison Janney, Peter Serafinowicz, Morena Baccarin, Björn Gustafsson, Nargis Fakhri
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Action comedy written and directed by Paul Feig. The story follows unassuming, deskbound CIA analyst Susan Cooper (Melissa McCarthy), who is the unsung hero behind one of the Agency’s best field agents, Bradley Fine (Jude Law). But when Fine’s last mission goes wrong and the identities of other CIA’s top agents are compromised, Susan volunteers to go deep undercover to infiltrate the world of a deadly arms dealer, and prevent a global disaster.
Our Favorite Quote:‘I make a habit of doing things that people say I can’t do.’ - Rick Ford (Spy) Click To Tweet
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 209)
[Varna, Bulgaria – CIA Agent Bradley Fine infiltrates a black-tie party, he heads underground and finds henchman Tihomir Boyanov talking on the phone]
Bradley Fine: Tihomir, hang up.
Tihomir Boyanov: Bradley Fine.
[Boyanov hangs up, turns and finds Bradley pointing his gun at him]
Tihomir Boyanov: I’m honored.
Bradley Fine: Pleasure’s all mine. Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds, or you’re dead.
Tihomir Boyanov: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I’m now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So, I’d say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley Fine: Well then, in that case, I’d say you’d better start…
[suddenly Bradley sneezes and he shoots Boyanov in the head by accident, killing him]
[after accidently killing Boyanov]
Bradley Fine: Oh, fuck!
[we see his partner, CIA Analyst Susan Cooper, back in Washington talking to him through his earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God! Why did you do that?
Bradley Fine: I didn’t do it on purpose. There’s like a ton of pollen in here!
Susan Cooper: Oh, God! Christmas on a cracker! Did you take your medicine?
Bradley Fine: I forgot it on the plane.
Susan Cooper: I told you this morning, I put extra in all your jackets.
Bradley Fine: You did?
[he takes out the bag of medicine from him jacket pocket]
Bradley Fine: Great. Shit! Thanks.
Susan Cooper: No, you know what? That’s on me. Because I heard you sniffle a while ago and I did nothing with that information. So that’s blood on my hands, really.
Susan Cooper: Okay. You know what? You got three coming in. Get out the back door now. Move.
[Bradley quickly leaves and goes into another room as three men come after him shooting their guns]
Bradley Fine: Anybody in here?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, we got one coming around the corner, now.
[Bradley quickly shoots the man coming around the corner]
Susan Cooper: Your three guests are coming out that door behind you right now. Watch your six.
[Bradley shoots all three men dead]
Bradley Fine: Yahtzee.
Susan Cooper: Oh, zinger!
Bradley Fine: I should’ve brought more bullets.
[back in the Washington CIA office, Susan’s co-worker, Nancy, is talking to a group of other CIA employees about a cake brought in for someone’s birthday]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I thought they were chocolate sprinkles, which I would eat, normally, by the fistful, but this tasted like, there’s no other way to say it, really. Like a rat’s ass.
Susan Cooper: Okay, guys, can you please keep it down?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Look, unfortunately, there’s vermin in the ceiling again, and I hate to say it, but, uh, well, they’ve pooped all over your cake.
[as he tries to get out of Boyanov’s underground area]
Bradley Fine: I’m going left?
Susan Cooper: No. I need you to go right and head down the tunnel. You’ve got one coming around to your right, and he’s got a swarm behind him.
Bradley Fine: That’s my girl.
Susan Cooper: Oh, I don’t know.
[Bradley takes out the men coming for him]
Susan Cooper: Watch your back.
[Bradley takes out the last man]
Susan Cooper: Oh, that was a close one, Fine.
Bradley Fine: Who’s the finest of them all?
Susan Cooper: You are.
Susan Cooper: Oh, Bradley, you’re so fine You’re so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Bradley!
[she suddenly sees something on her monitor]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, duck!
[Bradley takes out the man shooting at him]
Susan Cooper: Nice moves, Fine. Pilates has been working out for you.
Bradley Fine: You noticed?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, you just seem looser. Like, in your hips. I mean athletically speaking. I don’t know. I guess you don’t seem so awkward.
[mouthing to herself, clearly obvious that she has a thing for Bradley]
Susan Cooper: Shut up!
Bradley Fine: Going straight?
Susan Cooper: No, go right up the stairs. You’re going to find a little friend on the first landing.
[Bradley takes out two more men]
Bradley Fine: Thanks for your help.
Susan Cooper: Okay, you’re clear to the top. Get moving.
[at the same time someone in her office opens up a hatch in the ceiling and a herd of bats start flying around the office]
John: Oh, my God! The rats can fly!
Susan Cooper: Come on, you guys!
[as she continues to help Bradley out of the Boyanov’s building]
Susan Cooper: Alright, Fine. Stop at the door. You got a guard approaching, I’ll tell you when.
[the bats start flying around her head and she tries to swat them off]
Susan Cooper: Wait for it, Fine. Three, two, one. Now!
[Bradley opens the door, knocks out the guy on the other side and enters back into the party]
Bradley Fine: Oh, dear, did I forget to knock?
[he winks at a women then runs off]
[referring to the bats around her head]
Susan Cooper: They’re clawing at my hair! I can’t see!
[as he’s rushing to get away from Boyanov’s building]
Bradley Fine: What do you mean, you can’t see me?
Susan Cooper: I’m good. You’ve got SUVs approaching! Go to the dock!
Bradley Fine: Dock. Excellent idea.
Susan Cooper: Boyanov’s boat is at the end!
[Bradley gets to Boyanov’s boat as his men are shooting at him]
Bradley Fine: Uh, no keys, Coop.
Susan Cooper: The panel’s on the lower left under the steering wheel. You can hotwire it.
[as Bradley tries to get to the wire the men keep shooting at the steering wheel]
Bradley Fine: I can’t get to the wires!
Susan Cooper: Okay, then stay down and hold your ears!
Bradley Fine: How will I hear your beautiful voice?
Susan Cooper: Stop being adorable and get down!
[Susan makes a phone call]
Susan Cooper: Lock on coordinates 43.16547, 27.94654, and fire, now.
[there’s an explosion near Boyanov’s boat which knocks down the men shooting at Bradley, giving him enough diversion to get away on the boat]
[as he’s getting away in Boyanov’s boat]
Bradley Fine: Close one! Nice drone work, Coop! I could kiss you.
[Susan laughs shyly]
Susan Cooper: Oh! Well, I would accept that with an open mouth.
Bradley Fine: Soon as I’m back, dinner is on me. Great work, Coop. Hey, pick up my dry cleaning for me, would you? Also, get my car.
Susan Cooper: Oh, sure. No problem.
Bradley Fine: Oh, and I have to fire my gardener. He keeps running over the sprinkler heads with the mower. Can you cut him loose for me?
Susan Cooper: Um, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. You kidding? I’d love it.
Bradley Fine: You’re the best. Smell you later, pal.
Susan Cooper: God. Poor Jaime.
[later as Cooper tries to fire Bradley’s gardener]
Susan Cooper: The thing is, Jaime, that, um, uh…
[she notices Jaime’s t-shirt which has a photo of his children on it]
Susan Cooper: Oh! These your, these your children? Your children, here?
Jaime the Gardener: Yeah, I have children.
Susan Cooper: I just have to cover those eyes. They’re looking right at me. Um…
Jaime the Gardener: Please, don’t fire me.
Susan Cooper: No. Jaime, I would never. This is more of a review.
[feeling relieved, Jaime starts dancing with Susan]
Susan Cooper: Ooh. Oh, Jaime. Yes.
[she joins in awkwardly as Jaime starts to sing]
Susan Cooper: The lawnmower. Oh.
[they stars waltzing towards the lawnmower]
Susan Cooper: Right to that lawnmower.
[we see Susan mowing Bradley’s lawn as Jaime attends to the bushes, he waves to her]
Susan Cooper: Oh, you’re a killer, Susan.
[Susan is at a French restaurant with Bradley, as he’s talking in French to the waiter she notices the waiter place a dish containing what looks like two scallops on the table]
Susan Cooper: These look delicious.
[she picks one up, places it in her mouth and starts eating it]
Susan Cooper: I don’t want to be critical, but this is very chewy.
Bradley Fine: Coop, you’re eating a hand towel.
[with awkward embarrassment she takes out the towel from her mouth]
Susan Cooper: Just, uh, cleansing my palette.
[jokingly, referring to the very posh looking restaurant]
Susan Cooper: Jeez. You had to take me to such a dump?
Susan Cooper: Come on, cheapskate!
Bradley Fine: Burger King was booked up.
[Susan shrieks in laughter loudly, making the people in the restaurant look at her]
Susan Cooper: Sorry. I’m having dinner with Gallagher over here. Guard your fruit!
Susan Cooper: You could. You’re funny. Your timing is perfect.
Bradley Fine: Never as funny as you, Super Cooper.
[making a toast]
Bradley Fine: To another successful mission.
Susan Cooper: Go team.
Bradley Fine: Go team. Hey, I’ve been thinking.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: I couldn’t do what I do without you. And I’ve been thinking about doing something special for you. So…
[he places a small jewelry black box on the table]
Susan Cooper: Good gravy, Fine.
[she takes the box, opens it and finds a cheap looking cupcake necklace with eyes on it]
Susan Cooper: Oh. That’s…
Bradley Fine: It’s a crazy cupcake!
[Susan laughs awkwardly]
Bradley Fine: You love cakes.
Susan Cooper: Well, I’m not a big cake, I make cakes. Yes, I see the connection.
Bradley Fine: Now you can wear a cake.
Susan Cooper: How did you know I don’t care for traditional jewelry? I can’t seem to stop looking at it, and it can’t stop looking at me.
Bradley Fine: Imagine how awkward it would’ve been if it’d been a diamond ring or something.
Susan Cooper: Ooh, not a diamond ring! No! Well, I would’ve had to say, “I don’t want to marry you!” I don’t want your muscly arms and hands rubbing my back with Nivea for the rest of my life. And our three kids run in, you know? Karen, Tommy and Billy, and we’d say, “Get out of here!” And they’d just all have that beautiful jaw, and sky-blue eyes, and a full mouth. I mean, no, thank you.
Susan Cooper: I’ll just, you know, I’ll just…
[she closes the box]
Susan Cooper: Can you give me a little jewelry I can actually wear?
Bradley Fine: Not going to wear it?
Susan Cooper: Yes. Yeah. I was just saving it. I mean…
Bradley Fine: Put it on!
[with trepidation she opens the box and takes out the necklace]
Susan Cooper: Look at that. Wow, that’s a…
Bradley Fine: That is an adjustable toggle.
Susan Cooper: Adjustable toggle. You don’t, you don’t see that with a lot of jewelry.
[she puts the necklace on and Bradley laughs]
Bradley Fine: It’s so you.
Susan Cooper: Is it? Wow, perfect.
[as another restaurant patron looks at her with disapproval]
Susan Cooper: Oh, somebody’s jealous.
Bradley Fine: Seriously, I couldn’t do what I do without you, in my earpiece.
Susan Cooper: I could never do what you do. Can you imagine me as a spy?
Bradley Fine: Oh, my God. Out in the field.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: With a gun!
Susan Cooper: What?
Bradley Fine: “Hi, terrorists. Oh, golly!”
[he mimics shooting himself in the head with a gun]
Bradley Fine: “Oh, I shot myself!”
Susan Cooper: Whoops!
Bradley Fine: “I meant to shoot you, not me!”
Susan Cooper: That’s probably what I’d say. I’d be like, “Hey!” You know, “Terrorists, you better watch out, or I’ll make you a chocolate cake. Do you like chocolate? Well, then I’ll make you a vanilla.”
Susan Cooper: I mean, they would never let me be a spy. I can’t even dress like a spy. I mean, you know, look at you and you’re tailored. You’re, everything is cut right. And mine, it’s like a lumpy pumpkin sack dress.
Bradley Fine: Oh, come…
Susan Cooper: It doesn’t even have a label. It does not have a label, and I think my mom made it…
Bradley Fine: No, stop.
Susan Cooper: I should get on my hands and knees and start scooping.
Bradley Fine: Good God. Go easy on yourself.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Bradley Fine: We’re a perfect team. That’s why we work.
Susan Cooper: Yeah.
Bradley Fine: Come here. Come here. Close.
[Susan gets up and leans in close across their table]
Bradley Fine: I think you’re getting pinkeye.
Susan Cooper: What? No.
Bradley Fine: Right there.
Susan Cooper: No, that’s not…
Bradley Fine: Did you wipe your eye after you cleaned out the cat box?
Susan Cooper: I don’t have cats.
Bradley Fine: Why did I think that?
Susan Cooper: I don’t know.
Bradley Fine: You should get some, they’re good company.
[Susan smiles sadly at him]
[Langley, Virginia – the CIA boss, Elaine Crocker, briefs the agents about Bradley’s mission and Boyanov’s nuclear weapon]
Elaine Crocker: We’ve intercepted chatter that the weapon is still being offered to the highest bidder. Someone other than Boyanov knows where that nuke is.
Susan Cooper: It’s probably his daughter, Rayna. She’s really the only person he’s trusted.
Elaine Crocker: Jesus, Cooper, do you have pinkeye? Go home, you’re going to infect everybody.
Bradley Fine: [quietly] Told yah.
Susan Cooper: No, it’s not pinkeye, ma’am. It’s just, I’m having a bit of an allergic reaction.
Elaine Crocker: Well, I’m allergic to disgusting childhood illnesses, so stay away from me.
Susan Cooper: Sorry.
Elaine Crocker: Anyway, you’re right. After Boyanov’s death, Rayna went to a safety deposit box at a DSK bank in Varna. The chatter picked up later that night.
Bradley Fine: What do we know about her?
Susan Cooper: I can pull up her file.
[as Susan gets up from her chair her cardigan gets stuck on the chair]
Susan Cooper: Oh, that’s stuck. It’s just a little warm in here.
[she takes off her cardigan and goes over to Crocker’s computer]
Susan Cooper: Pull up my file…
Elaine Crocker: Jesus! Not my keyboard with your pinkeye-infected fingers! Why don’t you just cry directly into my mouth while you’re at it?
Susan Cooper: It really is just an allergic reaction…
Elaine Crocker: Sit down! I’ll do it.
Susan Cooper: Okay, I’m going to go sit down.
Elaine Crocker: Rayna Boyanov. Majored in international law at Oxford, top of her class. Been living in London for the past ten years. Now we know she has been communicating with the heads of several terrorist organizations. Most ominously, Solsa Dudaev, the al-Qaeda-funded leader of the Chechen Martyrs’ Brigade. We have compelling evidence that he has the machinery in place to get that nuke to New York in time for next week’s UN General Assembly.
Bradley Fine: I’m already packed.
Elaine Crocker: One of our sources was told she’s taken up residence outside of Sofia. Go get her.
[Bradley gets up, and turns to Susan as he leaves]
Bradley Fine: Grab my things, Coop.
[Susan goes to grab Bradley’s things from the table]
Elaine Crocker: Jesus, Cooper, go put on some sunglasses or something. I feel like you’re a Gypsy cursing me with it.
[covering her pinkeye]
Susan Cooper: Yep, I’m on it.
[after the meeting Susan rushes over to catch up with Bradley]
Susan Cooper: Oh, Fine? Hi.
Bradley Fine: Hey, Super Cooper.
[Bradley puts his arm around her and pulls her in close]
Susan Cooper: Oh! Um, I just was feeling a little weird, you know, about…
Bradley Fine: Oh, yeah?
Susan Cooper: Some of the stuff, and I think the intel, you know, on Rayna’s location seems a little too easy. I just, something doesn’t feel right.
Bradley Fine: It’ll be right when we get Rayna behind bars and that nuke back in our hands.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, sure. I just, I don’t know, all my alarm bells are going off with this one.
Bradley Fine: Really? Well, then, it’s okay because I have a plan.
[Bradley touches Susan’s face]
Bradley Fine: You and I got to stop going on these awful missions. Run off together.
Susan Cooper: Do you mean that?
Bradley Fine: What? Do I mean that? You got me. You kidder.
[Susan tries to down play it and act like what she said was a joke]
Susan Cooper: You sucker! No. You should have seen your face! You were like…
[Bradley gets into the elevator]
Susan Cooper: Fine, I’m sorry if I…
Bradley Fine: Don’t be. God, I admire you.
[Susan is at a bar with her friend Nancy discussing her last conversation with Bradley]
Nancy B. Artingstall: “I admire you”? Well, did he at least say it in a flirty tone that says: “And because of my admiration, I shall now take my shirt off “and penetrate ye”?
Susan Cooper: No. The only way he’d invite me to his bedroom is if he wants me to fix his bed. I’m so stupid. Can I just have a sip of your wine?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Mm-hmm.
[Susan taker her glass]
Nancy B. Artingstall: It’s quite buttery.
[Susan downs the whole drink in the glass]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow. Okay, we could order you your own glass. That was mine!
Susan Cooper: My life is a disaster.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, it’s not.
Susan Cooper: I’m 40, I live by myself. I haven’t been in a real relationship since Jerry left me three years ago.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Well, Jerry was a jackass.
Susan Cooper: And when I gave up teaching to join the CIA, I thought everything was going to be different. I thought I was going to be this amazing spy. I’m just the same boring person I was before.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re brilliant as you are. You’re exciting. Come on, let’s cheer you up. Okay. My nephew loves this. Alright.
[she places her napkin in front to her face, pulls down to reveal her smiling in a goofy way]
Susan Cooper: Okay. Thanks. Isn’t your nephew three?
[when Nancy pulls the same goofy smile to cheer her up]
Susan Cooper: My God, that’s the same face.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, this will be different.
Susan Cooper: Exactly the same face.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This will be different. This will be different.
[she places the napkin in front of her face again]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Ready? Ready? Ready? Aah…
[she does the same goofy smile when she pulls the napkin down]
Susan Cooper: That’s the exact same thing.
Nancy B. Artingstall: How is that the same thing? There was a little bit of tongue there.
Susan Cooper: Please stop. That’s not cheering me up.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? I’m glad you said that to Fine. I am, because you play it too safe.
Susan Cooper: I just, I still hear my mom’s voice, “Well-behaved women often make history.”
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes, you do know the phrase is, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
Susan Cooper: Yeah. That’s never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others?
Susan Cooper: Oh, “Just blend in.” “Let somebody else win.”
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan Cooper: I got that a lot in high school.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yep.
Susan Cooper: And there was, uh, “Give up on your dreams, Susan.” She used to write that in my lunchbox.
[referring to another agent, Karen Walker, as she walks into the bar talking to some men]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I mean, look, okay? What’s really so different between us and Karen Walker?
Susan Cooper: Um, I think literally everything.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, hang on. No, because you were just as good as her at the Academy.
Susan Cooper: She’s had more successful missions than even Fine.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, she’s the worst. Look at her, she thinks she’s so perfect, doesn’t she? “Oh, hi, I’m Karen Walker, super spy.” Perfect hair. Perfect face. She probably cries herself to sleep every night.
Susan Cooper: I don’t think she probably does.
Nancy B. Artingstall: She probably does. And not, like, sort of cute, little tears. Like, really sort of, you know, silent, kind of big.
[starts mimicking doing big tears crying]
Susan Cooper: I don’t think that’s what…
Nancy B. Artingstall: Like a sort of upside down kidney bean. “This is what I look like when I’m asleep.”
[as Nancy continues to make fun of Karen crying]
Susan Cooper: Shut up, be quiet.
Nancy B. Artingstall: She won’t know who we are. She’s so full of herself.
[just then Karen comes over to them]
Karen Walker: Hi. Hey, Nancy. Hi, Susan.
Susan, Nancy: Hi!
Karen Walker: Look at you two cuties sitting here being all cute.
Susan Cooper: Aw! Oh, you.
[Karen turns to the bartender]
Karen Walker: Can I have an Old Fashioned, please?
Nancy B. Artingstall: The service is really slow.
Susan Cooper: Super slow.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Good luck getting that in the next hour.
Alan the Bartender: Here you go, Miss Walker.
[hands Karen her drink]
Karen Walker: Thank you.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow.
Karen Walker: Alan and I go way back. I come here all the time.
Susan Cooper: So do we. Right, Alan?
[the bartender ignores her]
Susan Cooper: Hey, Alan. Alan!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Big A! Big A!
Susan Cooper: Woo-hoo! Al! We got a whole…
Alan the Bartender: Miss Walker, are these two bothering you?
Karen Walker: Oh, no, thank you. They’re fine.
Alan the Bartender: Okay.
Susan, Nancy: Alan!
Karen Walker: He’s the sweetest.
Susan Cooper: He totally pretends not to know.
Nancy B. Artingstall: He’s funny.
Susan Cooper: It’s a game.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yeah.
Karen Walker: Well, anyway, I’m taking some time off, so I’ll see you guys when I get back.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Where are you going?
Karen Walker: Capri.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Capri.
Susan Cooper: Capri.
Karen Walker: Yeah, I believe it’s “Cahpri.” That’s how the locals say it, anyway.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Karen Walker: Yeah. I wish I could just stick around here, you know? Curl up with a good book. But I have a yacht full of friends waiting for me.
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Karen Walker: Yachts are the worst. They seem so glamorous, but…
Susan Cooper: They’re the worst.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Boo, yachts.
Karen Walker: Anyhoo, I’ll see you guys when I get back, all freckled and tan.
Susan Cooper: We’re going to see you.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yeah.
Karen Walker: Bye.
Susan, Nancy: Bye!
[as Karen turns to leave Nancy blows a raspberry, Karen stops and looks at them]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, sorry. Susan’s ill. It’s her stomach.
[Karen walks off]
[after Karen leaves them]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Thank you for that. Why would you do that?
Nancy B. Artingstall: I panicked.
Susan Cooper: What a great moment.
[they turns to see Karen standing by a group of men getting her cigarette lit]
Susan Cooper: Just look at her.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, I know. That dress.
Susan Cooper: Look at that confidence. You’re not even allowed to smoke in here. I’m going to go home.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, come on.
Susan Cooper: Yes.
[Susan gets up to leave]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan.
[as Susan walks past Karen]
Karen Walker: Feel better.
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank you. Yeah.
[on the night of the their mission after breaks into Rayna’s house]
Bradley Fine: No security. Her father would never have left himself this exposed.
Susan Cooper: Pull back, Fine. This is too easy.
Bradley Fine: I like things that are easy.
[suddenly he’s attacked my two of Rayna’s men but Bradley quickly knocks them out]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Fine! I don’t know how you do things like that.
Bradley Fine: Hey. Who’s the finest of them all?
[suddenly Rayna comes up from behind a puts her gun to the back of Bradley’s head]
Rayna Boyanov: I don’t know. I’m guessing you? Drop your weapon.
Susan Cooper: Fine, what’s happening?
Rayna Boyanov: Let me guess. Whoever is in your ear wants to know what’s happening?
[Rayna whispers into Bradley’s earpiece]
Rayna Boyanov: He’s about to die. That’s what.
[Bradley turns to face Rayna]
Bradley Fine: An awfully big gun for such a little girl.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, don’t say stuff like that. Okay, there’s a knife rack directly to your right. The way she’s holding the gun, she’s not experienced. If you duck and lunge, you can get the knife and disarm her.
Rayna Boyanov: Did someone just suggest that you grab one of those knives?
[just then Bradley’s camera goes out]
Susan Cooper: No, no, no, no! Dammit! Fine!
[Bradley’s camera comes back up still showing Rayna pointing her gun at Bradley]
Rayna Boyanov: Can they see me right now? Let me adjust the angle a little bit.
[she suddenly shoots]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Fine.
[Rayna’s face comes back up on Bradley’s camera]
Rayna Boyanov: His name was Bradley Fine, he worked for the CIA. Other top agents include Matthew Wright, Timothy Cress, Rick Ford and Karen Walker.
Susan Cooper: Come on, Fine. Come on.
Rayna Boyanov: I know who all your active agents are. So, unless you’d like the body count to grow, I suggest you stay far away from me. Now grab some tissues, because shit’s about to get real sad.
[she points the gun at what seems like Bradley’s head again]
Bradley Fine: No, no…!
[Rayna shoots again and the camera goes out]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God, Fine.
[Susan is sat at her desk going through Fine’s las footage when Crocker comes over to her]
Elaine Crocker: Susan, I got your assessment report on Rayna Boyanov. I know you’re probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term “thundercunt.”
[she places the file on Susan’s desk and walks off]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. I didn’t realize I wrote that. I’m sorry.
[Crocker is holding a meeting with the other agents]
Rick Ford: How the fuck did this twat find out our fucking names?
Elaine Crocker: We don’t know. And dial it way back with the “T” word, Ford. You’re not immune from the HR department.
Rick Ford: Grow up. And “twat” means something completely different in England.
Matthew Wright: Well here it means a vagina. Anyway, obviously we’re talking about a mole.
Elaine Crocker: It could be a mole, they could have hacked our system. It’s anyone’s guess. The bottom line is Rayna Boyanov is about to sell a small-scale tactical nuclear weapon to a terrorist organization and we don’t know where she or the bomb is. Now fortunately, our analyst Susan Cooper found a lead. Rayna had the number of Sergio De Luca and we’ve long suspected De Luca of working as an intermediary with terrorist groups. Rayna may be using him to find buyers for the nuke. The number was to an office he keeps in Paris.
Rick Ford: I told you to send me in there instead of Fine, and you didn’t. And now Fine is dead. I’m going the fuck in!
Elaine Crocker: You can’t. We need someone to follow De Luca without being detected and that will hopefully take us to Rayna, but it can’t be any of you.
Rick Ford: Here’s what we do, I go into the Face/Off machine, get a whole new face. I turn up, they never know it’s me.
Elaine Crocker: Do you have quarters? Because it costs fifty cents.
Rick Ford: What, I got to pay?
Elaine Crocker: No, because it doesn’t exist.
Rick Ford: Yes, it does! I heard Cress and Wright talking about it in the shitter.
[Cress and Wright try to hide their laughter]
Elaine Crocker: I’m pretty sure they were pulling your leg.
Rick Ford: You pair of fucking vaginas!
Elaine Crocker: Seriously? You’ve got to cut that out.
Timothy Cress: Look, one of us has to go in. Doesn’t matter if we’ve been exposed. We’ve all gone deep before, and we’ve always gotten our guy.
Elaine Crocker: Guys, this is more than just a kill mission. Now we can get Rayna, De Luca, and some top terrorist leadership and get the weapon back if we do this right. We just need someone who can shadow them without attracting attention. We need someone invisible.
Susan Cooper: I’ll do it.
Rick Ford: Uh, okay. Thanks, lunch lady.
Susan Cooper: I’m serious. I have never been out in the field.
Rick Ford: Exactly. Stupid fucking idea.
Susan Cooper: My point is that it’s highly doubtful that I’ve ever been exposed.
Elaine Crocker: But you worked with Fine. They may have a record of you, too.
Susan Cooper: Possibly. But, you know, the odds of them knowing my face are very low.
Susan Cooper: Miss Crocker, I would really like to do this. For Fine.
Rick Ford: I mean, what are you going to do? Bring one of your cats as a sidekick?
Susan Cooper: I don’t have any cats!
Rick Ford: You’re not seriously considering this, are you?
[Crocker holds up her hand]
Rick Ford: Look here, Betty…
Elaine Crocker: Ford, if you call me Betty Crocker, I will rip your fucking heart out of your chest.
Rick Ford: Not only did I become a citizen and take a vow to protect this country, I also took a vow to avenge my fallen comrades. We all fucking did.
Timothy Cress: No, I didn’t.
Matthew Wright: Not me.
Rick Ford: I’m pretty sure we all took a fucking vow. I remember it. I remember raising my fucking hand and saying some shit. And if you think I’m going to sit by and let you send in a fucking secretary to do my work, you might as well accept my resignation now.
Susan Cooper: If I can jump in, I am technically, uh, classified as an agent.
Rick Ford: Look…
Susan Cooper: Full agent. So…
[pointing to the others in the room and then to herself]
Susan Cooper: Agent, agent, agent.
Rick Ford: Are you considering this?
Elaine Crocker: For your safety, and the safety of those around this table, I am considering it.
Rick Ford: Then consider this, I quit.
[he gets up to leave]
Rick Ford: And I know there’s a fucking Face/Off machine! You’re just keeping it secret from me.
[Ford leaves in anger]
Elaine Crocker: That hasn’t happened before.
[Susan is sat in Crocker’s office]
Susan Cooper: It is quite a lovely office.
Elaine Crocker: What’s your deal, Cooper?
Susan Cooper: What do you mean?
Elaine Crocker: You got a fiery side?
Susan Cooper: I really did, in that report, mean to write “cunning.”
Elaine Crocker: I’ve been going over your files. You were top of your class at the Academy, in all computer and support skills. No surprise there. But you have a certain tame demeanor around the office, that says you’ve never even held a gun. So imagine my surprise when I saw footage from this drill back at The Farm.
[Crocker shows Susan footage of her when she was training to be an agent]
Susan Cooper: Is that, I can’t even, is that me? I can’t really… Somebody definitely sped this up. Ooh! Camera angle and stuff make…
[the footage shows Susan going wild, throwing things around and hitting her colleagues]
Elaine Crocker: Ouch.
Susan Cooper: Out of context, that’s, you know…
Elaine Crocker: I must have watched this fifteen times now because what the fuck?
Susan Cooper: Well, I…
Elaine Crocker: I almost put it up on YouTube.
Susan Cooper: Well, I was, to say the least, uncomfortable with the event. But I would also like to say, it was over ten years ago. The instructor was not harmed.
Elaine Crocker: Fine was your mentor, right?
Susan Cooper: Yes.
Elaine Crocker: Why did you not become a field agent?
Susan Cooper: Well, we’re such a great fit and a great team. Fine made some great points. You know, maybe I match better with, uh, just staying…
Elaine Crocker: In his ear.
Susan Cooper: Well…
Elaine Crocker: Yeah, he sniped you. All the top agents used to do that before I got here.
Susan Cooper: I really thought he made some great points.
Elaine Crocker: Women.
Elaine Crocker: Alright, have you had any field training since then? Ten years is a long time.
Susan Cooper: No, ma’am.
Elaine Crocker: Normally, I would send you back to The Farm, but there’s no time and I can’t take a chance of anyone leaking your name.
[Susan looks excited]
Susan Cooper: Am I going?
Elaine Crocker: You’re going.
Susan Cooper: Okay. Jeez. Sorry.
Elaine Crocker: But it’s a track and report mission only.
Susan Cooper: Got it.
Elaine Crocker: We’ll be giving you a new identity. You’ll no longer be Susan Cooper. You’re new name…
Susan Cooper: Ooh, I had a few, uh, ideas for that. I was just spitballing and I thought: Seraphina, Maddox, Gisele…
Elaine Crocker: Carol Jenkins.
Susan Cooper: Carol Jenkins.
Susan Cooper: You know, If I may, ma’am, there was a thirteen year-old girl named Carol that used to kind of take me around the neighborhood and use my braid as a dog leash and make me beg for biscuits. So, I…
Elaine Crocker: Carol Jenkins.
[Crocker hands Susan an envelope containing details of her new identity]
Susan Cooper: Yes. Carol Jenkins, huh?
Elaine Crocker: Carol Jenkins is a single mother of four, temporarily relocated from Delaware to increase sales for a software company.
Susan Cooper: Okay, that is a different occup…
[she opens up the wallet with to look at her ID photo and another one with her four kids]
Elaine Crocker: Is there a problem?
Susan Cooper: No. I was just wondering if this was my family, or if I had taken hostages. I’m just not sure how De Luca is going to take me seriously if I look like this.
Elaine Crocker: De Luca is not going to take you anything. In case you did not hear me you are not to make direct contact with any of the targets. Track and report.
Elaine Crocker: Now we’re setting you up in a surveillance office across the street from De Luca’s. You’ll be tapped into the same telecom trunk and have access to voice and data coming into his office, and that is as sexy as it gets. One mistake, and we’ve got a nuclear bomb in the hands of terrorists. Do you understand?
Susan Cooper: Yes.
Elaine Crocker: Go see Patrick, he’s got special equipment for you.
[Susan walks out of Crocker’s office and says quietly to herself]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. What are you doing?
[Susan and Nancy are on their way to meet with Patrick]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, did you come up with your spy name yet? Mine would be “Amber Valentine.”
Susan Cooper: That sounds like you’re an adult film star.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, I did the spy name formula. Amber was the name of my first pet, and I grew up on Valentine Street.
Susan Cooper: That’s how you come up with your porn name.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, no. I thought it was your spy name!
Susan Cooper: No!
Nancy B. Artingstall: What would yours be?
Susan Cooper: Uh, “Meatball Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.” Yeah.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow.
[Susan and Nancy meet with Patrick]
Patrick: I was given specific instructions by Elaine to tailor these gadgets to you.
[they look down to see some cool looking guns, watches and other gadgets]
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow, look at that watch.
Patrick: These are not yours.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh.
[Patrick holds up a whistle]
Susan Cooper: Is that a rape whistle?
Patrick: Elaine wanted you to only be carrying items a single woman traveling through Europe would have.
Nancy B. Artingstall: But she could get that at any pharmacy.
Patrick: Not this whistle. When you blow through this whistle, a small, poisonous dart flies out neutralizing your target. Also, it needs your fingerprints on it to work.
Susan Cooper: Okay. That is really neat!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Stop it, that’s amazing.
Susan Cooper: That is really super cool!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I love that!
Patrick: This anti-fungal spray can freeze and disable any security system.
[he holds up the spray can with an image of toenail with fungus]
Susan Cooper: Wow. That is quite an image to be carrying all over Europe.
Patrick: It’s also a pepper spray.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Why not just make it look like pepper spray?
Patrick: That’s a pretty good idea. Well, next time.
Susan Cooper: Well, I can wait, if you want to print up a new label.
Patrick: No, I’d have to turn the printer on again. I don’t really want to.
Patrick: Each of these are filled with chloroform.
[he holds up a packet of wipes]
Susan Cooper: Wow, that is an unsettling amount of hemorrhoid wipes. Makes me kind of wonder what, exactly is going on back there.
Patrick: I wouldn’t know, I don’t have that problem.
Susan Cooper: I don’t have that problem.
Patrick: If you ever feel like you have been poisoned, chew one of these.
[he holds up a bottle with the label “stool softener laxative”]
Susan Cooper: Have I done something to you to upset you or…?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Because this is a peculiar theme.
Patrick: Finally, every agent gets a night vision scope hidden in their watch.
[he hands Susan a watch]
Susan Cooper: Okay, I have heard about this. I’ve been looking…
[she looks down at the watch and sees it has an image of Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey from the movie Beaches]
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Who’s that?
Susan Cooper: That is Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey. From Beaches.
Susan Cooper: How much am I supposed to like Beaches?
Patrick: I would imagine a lot if you have the watch.
Patrick: I’ve already packed your bags. Hurry up and get dressed. Carol Jenkins has to get to the airport immediately.
[he hands Susan bag containing her wig]
Patrick: And may I say, I think it’s very brave of you to sacrifice your life for your country.
Susan Cooper: Oh, I’m not sacrifi…I’m coming back.
Patrick: Let’s see.
[getting ready to leave Susan is reluctantly wearing her Carol Jenkins outfit and wig]
Nancy B. Artingstall: You look amazing, Susan.
Susan Cooper: I look like someone’s homophobic aunt!
[Paris, France – Susan is taken to a seedy looking motel in a rough area in Paris]
Susan Cooper: Keep it together, Susan, okay?
[as she enters her room she puts her earpiece in]
Susan Cooper: Nancy? Please tell me you can hear me.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I’m here, I’m here. I’ve got you.
Susan Cooper: Okay.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’ll be pleased to hear the bats have officially gone. We are now vermin free.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Did you get your gun, Carol?
Susan Cooper: Yes, and don’t call me that. Oh, my God. Cripes. I think I’m having a heart attack. I can’t do this, Nancy. Fine was the real spy, not me!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Don’t worry. I’m here for you, okay? Everything is going to be fine. I’m going to talk you through this, alright? Put your camera in, I want to see your room.
Susan Cooper: No, you don’t. It’s that bad. Martha Stewart had a breakdown, kind of feel.
[Susan puts her contact lens camera into her eye and Nancy can now see the room]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh. Wow. Looks like they put you up in The Shitz-Carlton.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Hey, listen, try and get some sleep, okay, and we’ll get started first thing in the morning.
Susan Cooper: I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see that Rayna woman. I want her dead for what she did to Fine.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay. Deep breaths. Listen to me, you’re not going to get anywhere near her, so there’s nothing to worry about. Okay?
[suddenly she sees a rat running along her PC monitor]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, God. Really?
Sharon: Guys, there’s a mouse on my tits.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I think you’re safer there.
Susan Cooper: Alright. Good night.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Night.
[later on as Susan tries to positive talk to herself as she gets ready for bed]
Susan Cooper: You’re a warrior. You’re a weapon. Okay? This is no sweat.
[suddenly she hears Ford’s voice]
Rick Ford: Looks like you’re sweating to me.
Susan Cooper: Jesus!
[Ford puts on the side lamp to reveal he’s sitting in Susan’s room]
Susan Cooper: What are you doing in my room?
Rick Ford: What, how did I get into this shit-box hotel room? Because I’m a real spy.
Susan Cooper: I thought you quit.
Rick Ford: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb and they send in someone who looks like Santa Claus’ fucking wife.
Susan Cooper: Did you forget? I am undercover, because you’re not supposed to be here.
Rick Ford: Well I make a habit of doing things that people say I can’t do. Walk through fire, water-ski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age, and I’m going to take down De Luca and Rayna and Dudaev and I’m going to get that bomb back.
Susan Cooper: Why do you even care what I do?
Rick Ford: You really think you’re ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I’ve pulled shards of glass out of my fucking eye. I’ve jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing. And I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I’ve swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and reattached with this fucking arm.
Susan Cooper: I don’t know that that’s possible. I mean, medically.
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt I appeared, convincingly, in front of Congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In blackface? That’s not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the couple that raised me explode in a van. I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane, midair. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while I was on fire. Not the car. I was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you’re intense.
[he takes a swig from a small bottle]
Rick Ford: I took this from your minibar.
Susan Cooper: Well, that’s not right.
[as Ford walks out of Susan’s room]
Rick Ford: You’re going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, you’re going to ruin this mission.
[Ford starts walking down the dark hallway]
Rick Ford: No. You are.
Susan Cooper: No, you’re going to!
Rick Ford: You, times infinity.
Susan Cooper: Ah…could this hotel be more murdery?
[the next morning Susan finds De Luca’s office building has burned down]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. Tell me that’s not De Luca’s building?
Nancy B. Artingstall: De Luca must have known we were coming.
Susan Cooper: What am I supposed to do now?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, don’t panic. Lemonade out of lemons. Stay focused, we can do this.
[Susan walks over to a man sweeping the street and addresses him in French]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me, please. When was that fire?
Shopkeeper: Last night. Quite a blaze. Look.
[he shows her the photos he’s taken on his phone]
Susan Cooper: May I?
Shopkeeper: Go ahead, go ahead.
[Susan looks at the photos and notices a man watching the building burn]
Susan Cooper: Does that man live on this street?
Shopkeeper: No, I do not know him.
[back at CIA headquarters Nancy gets screenshot of the man in the photo]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay, I’ve got it. I’ll run it through the system. It will take a few minutes.
[Susan enters a nearby cafe and takes a seat; referring to the man in the photo]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Nothing’s coming up. Might just be a looky-loo.
Susan Cooper: Well keep looking, I’ve got a feeling about this guy.
[suddenly she hears Ford’s voice]
Rick Ford: Well I’ve got a feeling you’re about to fuck things up.
[Ford turns to look at Susan from the booth opposite to hers]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, bugger me with a fish pole. It’s Ford. Sharon, Ford’s in the field. Did you know this?
Sharon: Until he checks in, there’s nothing I can do.
[Ford joins Susan at her table]
Susan Cooper: You go make some friends, and stop stalking me!
Rick Ford: Was it your mission to tip off the target so he burns everything in advance? If so, well done. Phenomenal job.
Susan Cooper: I’m sure they got suspicious because they’ve been seeing you all over the place. You’re going to get yourself killed.
Rick Ford: Nothing kills me. I’m immune to a hundred and seventy-nine different types of poison. I know, because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground, poison-ingesting crime ring.
Susan Cooper: Wow.
Rick Ford: It was like dog fighting. But instead of dogs fighting, it was humans ingesting poison and rich people would bet whether we would live or die.
Susan Cooper: Yeah, I’m having a hard time with this one.
Rick Ford: I died for five minutes, and then I came back to life.
[referring to Ford’s flat cap and raincoat which he’s wearing]
Nancy B. Artingstall: What’s he wear…? He looks like he’s in the cast of Newsies.
Susan Cooper: Does Crocker even know you’re here?
Rick Ford: I don’t need anyone’s permission to save the country and avenge my dear friend Bradley Fine’s death.
Susan Cooper: You didn’t even like him. You used to call him Beverly Wine! You had him as Secret Santa and you gave him tampons!
Rick Ford: It’s called the rivalry of men, and you wouldn’t understand. Unless you’ve got a dong up underneath that skirt.
Susan Cooper: Okay, that is super rude, and don’t say “dong”, and don’t do that!
[she points her finger up like Ford had just done]
Rick Ford: Nobody sees me when I don’t want them to. I move like a fucking shadow.
[as he moves to get out of his seat he bumps into the oncoming waiter]
Nancy B. Artingstall: He’s gone all sorts of rogue. Sharon says he really did quit, Elaine couldn’t stop him. He’s out for blood.
[Susan watches Ford leave with his backpack on his shoulder]
Susan Cooper: Yeah, real tough guy in his Louis Vuitton backpack.
[suddenly Susan notices the man in the fire photo earlier tailing Ford]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, do you see that? It’s the man from the fire. I’m following him.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, exciting! And I’m following you, following him, so I’m having quite a day, here.
[as she follows the man following Ford]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you think Ford’s leading him into a trap?
Susan Cooper: Idiot doesn’t even know he’s being followed.
[Susan sees Ford sitting down at a cafe and beautiful woman comes over to him]
Susan Cooper: Okay, he’s meeting with some woman. I don’t recognize her. You have any idea who she is?
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, it’s hard to make out. Can you get any closer?
[Susan sees the man from the fire swap Ford’s backpack with an identical one and walk off]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, our guy just switched out Ford’s backpack. It’s a setup.
[she sees Ford take the backpack and leave]
Susan Cooper: Uh, I got to go warn him!
[Susan chases after Ford to warn him about the backpack]
Susan Cooper: Ford! Ford!
[as she tries to get through the people]
Susan Cooper: Look out! I got to get through! I left my baby in the shop! Get out of the way! Let me through, I’m sick!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, tell them you’ve shat your pants. That would get me out of your way, for sure.
Susan Cooper: I’ve shat my pants!
[she carries on chasing after Ford]
Susan Cooper: Excuse me. Ford!
[just then the women Ford met up with notices Susan and makes a call]
Lia: He’s got a friend.
[Susan chases Ford as he walks through crowd of people gathered for a concert]
Susan Cooper: Ford!
[Susan notices the mics on stage and rushes up to grab one]
Susan Cooper: I need the mic!
[the group on stage starts to grab her thinking she’s a fan joining in]
Susan Cooper: No! I need… No! No, no, no!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, you’re meant to be blending in. What are you doing?
[Susan pushes one of the people on stage]
Susan Cooper: God! Move!
[she grabs the mic and as she shouts to warn Ford but her voice comes out electronic]
Susan Cooper: Rick Ford!
[Susan grabs the mic from the head singer]
Susan Cooper: Give me the mic!
[the singer starts to run away from her and Susan chases after him]
Susan Cooper: How are you doing this in heels?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, God.
[Susan finally grabs the mic and shouts to Ford]
Susan Cooper: Rick Ford! They switched the bag!
[Ford opens the bag and notices the bomb inside]
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck.
[Ford pushes past the people in the crowd]
Rick Ford: Get out of the fucking way! Move!
Susan Cooper: Get out of his way!
Rick Ford: Move!
[Ford throws the bomb into the river and it explodes at the same time the man that was following Ford takes a photo of Susan, blowing her cover]
Susan Cooper: Oh, no.
[Susan chases after the man that took her picture]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I’m in pursuit of one of the terrorists! He took my picture! He’s going to blow my cover!
Nancy B. Artingstall: You’re in pursuit? What in God’s name are you going to do if you catch him?
Susan Cooper: Knock him out with a hemorrhoid wipe. I don’t know! I’m just going to track him and report his location.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This all seems very Rick Fordy to me. I do not condone these sexy but reckless actions of yours, Susan!
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. He went into a building.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Okay. Well done. That’s it. Time to call it a day now. Location is officially noted.
Susan Cooper: I’m following him in.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What?
Susan Cooper: I’m doing this for Fine.
[Susan enters the building]
Susan Cooper: He’s at the top of the stairs.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, gosh, please be careful. You are incredibly out of your league. This is just like when I watched myself in a sex tape. There was just a lot of floundering and laughable moments.
Susan Cooper: Nancy, I need you to not talk until I ask you to.
[as Susan reaches the top part of the building the man she was following suddenly attacks her and knocks her down]
Susan Cooper: Oh, hey. Imagine running into you up here. I was just looking for my bird. Just looking… Hey, Mr. Beanbag! You like birds?
[the man takes out a knife]
Susan Cooper: Alright. Alright. I’m going to give you a warning. I don’t want to see any more of that funny bomb stuff, you know?
[the man takes a step forward, Susan takes out her gun and points it at him]
Susan Cooper: Alright. That’s enough. Drop the knife, or I’ll shoot.
Nicola: I don’t think you will. You see, it works better when you have the bullets inside the gun.
[he looks at the bullets lying on the ground behind Susan]
Nicola: I guess that CIA training isn’t what it used to be.
Susan Cooper: I guess you’re right, asshole.
[Susan suddenly starts hitting him, fends him off and then knocks him off the balcony]
Susan Cooper: No, no, no!
[he falls and is impaled by a rebar]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God! Oh, Susan, what did you do?
[horrified at seeing what she’s done she vomits down the balcony]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, not on him. Not on him!
[some of the vomit lands on the body, a shocked Susan drops the knife she took from the guy before he fell and it lands straight into his chest]
Susan Cooper: Oh, God, why did I have that stew?
[suddenly Susan faints]
Elaine Crocker: Well, Rayna’s people obviously knew Ford was in Paris. And getting footage of a CIA operative setting off a bomb in public would be a PR coup for any terrorist group. Do we have anything on that woman he met?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Facial recognition isn’t showing anything.
Susan Cooper: They were all over Ford. Are you able to track him?
Elaine Crocker: Goddamn Ford is still off the grid in Paris. I know because he keeps trying to hack into our system for intel. He’s like a dog that gets loose from his yard and just keeps humping and shitting his way through the neighborhood.
[back in her hotel room Susan in going through the photos of the henchman she killed]
Elaine Crocker: Would be a lot easier if… Oh, my God!
[she comes across a photo of the guy holding his penis up close]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh!
Susan Cooper: Okay. Wow.
Sharon: Ford’s is bigger.
Susan Cooper: This is uncomfortable. Why do they always point at it? We can see it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Ooh. He’s dead though, isn’t he? Oh, that’s a waste.
Susan Cooper: Oh, God. A video. I can only imagine what this is.
[after looking through the video footage they hear De Luca talking about “Renaldo”, Nancy finds out this is the name of a Rolls-Royce car in Rome]
Susan Cooper: I’m going to head to the airport.
Elaine Crocker: Forget it, Cooper. You’re coming back immediately.
Susan Cooper: Ma’am, I really think I can do this. And I’m not one to toot my own horn, but you know what? I’m going to toot and say that I just saved a lot of people. We are so close to getting Rayna and that bomb.
Elaine Crocker: Pull back the rug in the corner.
[Susan pulls back the rug in the corner of her hotel room and finds a box under the floor board]
Elaine Crocker: You’ll be given a new identity.
Susan Cooper: Oh, thank God.
[Susan opens the box and finds a cat t-shirt]
Susan Cooper: Oh, no!
Elaine Crocker: Your name is Penny Morgan. You’re a divorced housewife from Iowa. You’ve sold more Mary Kay products than anyone else in your state and you’ve traded in the free car you’ve won to fund a trip through Europe.
[reading from the information she finds in the box]
Susan Cooper: My hobbies are découpage and needlepoint. I collect porcelain dolls and I’m the vice president of the Ames Garden Club. I couldn’t even be president? Maybe I should just be married to one of the dolls just to make it extra sad. Ten cats. Wow. Why do I have ten cats? Is that even legal? You know, Fine always got to be a businessman. One time he was a race car driver.
[Susan looks through the wallet she’s been given and finds a photo of herself with the cats]
Susan Cooper: Well, there’s the ten cats. Just missing a shirt that says I’ve never felt the touch of a man.
Elaine Crocker: Oh, Cooper, you’re right. You did good work back there. That would have been a real mess.
Susan Cooper: Thank you, ma’am. You still went with the cat lady.
Elaine Crocker: It was already in the floor.
[Rome, Italy – Susan arrives dressed in her new identity clothes and wig, a group of guys drive by and wolf whistle two women standing on the sidewalk and look at Susan with disdain]
Susan Cooper: Great, that’s a real confidence builder.
[to Nancy through her earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Did you find De Luca?
Nancy B. Artingstall: He’s been at the Majestic Hotel, but he’s just left, heading south, okay? I’ll guide you to him. I’ve sent an ally to drive you. Elaine said nothing fancy, so I’ve gone with earthy.
[the Italian spy, Aldo, drives up to pick Susan]
Aldo: Hey! Ciao bella.
Susan Cooper: Oh.
Aldo: Welcome to Rome!
Susan Cooper: Thank you.
[he grab Susan and kisses her on her cheeks then tries to kiss her mouth but Susan pushes him away]
Aldo: I’m Aldo. Like, uh, the shoe store found in American malls.
Susan Cooper: I’m Penny, like the penny.
Aldo: Like a penny! Or like penne alla vodka!
Susan Cooper: Okay.
[he smacks Susan on her ass playfully]
Susan Cooper: Did you just grab my butt?
Aldo: Yes. Come, we need to get you to De Luca.
[as Aldo drives them to the hotel like a mad man]
Susan Cooper: Nancy, are you sure this guy is even an agent?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Absolutely. No, he’s the best! He’s…he’s…
[looks at her screen]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh. No, there have been some complaints filed against him.
Susan Cooper: Watch the road, watch the road! Watch the road! Oh, my God! Watch the road!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Wow, Aldo’s making great time.
[as Aldo finally pulls up outside the hotel in one piece]
Susan Cooper: Ah! God!
Aldo: Intriguing lady, we are here. Now, you must go, because I fear if I stare into your beautiful green eyes a moment longer I will fall in love. Oh, too late.
Susan Cooper: My God, does that ever work?
Aldo: I will take that as…
Susan Cooper: That’s a no.
Aldo: A no.
Susan Cooper: Take that as a no.
[Susan gets out of the car and Aldo tries to attract the attention of a woman standing close by]
Susan Cooper: You know, you were just hitting on me.
Aldo: I like to play the odds.
Susan Cooper: Yeah. Well, good luck.
Aldo: Here is my phone number. Memorize it, then burn it. These people we are dealing with, they like to, um, how you say? Murder entire families.
Susan Cooper: Do you have something for me?
Aldo: Do I have something for you? Would you like something from me?
Susan Cooper: Not that.
Aldo: What do you want from me?
Susan Cooper: You’re supposed to have an envelope with my gun in it.
Aldo: I don’t have a gun. I am just aroused from looking at you.
[Susan just looks at him coldly]
Aldo: It was joke. There is no gun. They said you would no longer be needing one.
Susan Cooper: Good luck!
[he drives off]
[as she watches Aldo drive off]
Susan Cooper: Good gravy. Was Pepé Le Pew not available?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, stop complaining, Suzie. You’re getting more action than I have had in days. Months. Years. Three years and forty days.
Susan Cooper: Do we have an update on De Luca?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes, he should be pulling up right about now.
[De Luca’s car pulls over outside the casino ahead and he steps out]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Oh, wow. He’s hot. I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t think I can be objective anymore. I’m rooting for that guy. I want him to win. I’m joking, Susan. Don’t report me.
[as she watches De Luca greet a woman and grab her ass]
Susan Cooper: He’s handsy.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Let’s set up camp in the pastry shop behind you. According to Aldo, De Luca spends all night in the casino.
Susan Cooper: I’m going in, Nancy.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, you heard Elaine. Track and report. No contact!
Susan Cooper: I’ll track De Luca inside and then I’ll report. And if he initiates contact with me, I’ll just, I’ll go with it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan, your “cat lady” look is not going to fit in in there.
Susan Cooper: That’s why Penny Morgan is going to burn her cat t-shirt and spend some of that Mary Kay money.
Nancy B. Artingstall: This is full-blown rogue!
[Susan comes out of her hotel in a nice dress and looking all made up]
Nancy B. Artingstall: I really hope De Luca is still in there, for your sake. And they’re not going to reimburse you for all that. You should have gone to cheaper stores, Susan.
Susan Cooper: Okay, I’m going offline, Nancy.
Nancy B. Artingstall: No, wait, wait, wait! Susan!
[Susan walks up the steps to the casino; to the guards standing outside the casino]
Susan Cooper: Well, buongiorno, boys! If I’m not out in ten minutes, it’s because I won the place.
[to one of the guards who’s bald]
Susan Cooper: Let me just rub that for luck.
[she rubs his scalp]
Susan Cooper: Ooh, that’s an oily…that’s an oily scalp.
[as Susan enters the casino]
Casino Hostess: I’m sorry, but I have to check you in. Your name, please?
Susan Cooper: Uh, Penny Morgan.
Casino Hostess: I don’t see you on the list. I’m so sorry.
Rick Ford: She’s with me.
[Susan turns and sees Ford]
Rick Ford: Darling, you’re late. The way you look, I’d say it was more than worth the wait. Come, let’s get a drink.
[he takes her arm and squeezes it as they walk off]
Susan Cooper: Ow, ow.
Casino Hostess: Such a gentleman.
Rick Ford: You look absolutely stunning tonight here, darling.
Rick Ford: What the fuck are you doing in here, arsehole?
Susan Cooper: That’s quite a tone change, isn’t it? What are you doing in here? You are completely compromising me right now.
Rick Ford: Oh, I’m compromising you? Fucking hilarious. You were about to cause a scene trying to get into this fucking place.
Susan Cooper: Give me a little credit. What do you think I’m going to do? Run over there and be like, “Hey, I’m a crazy lady! Where’s the buffet? I’m from the Midwest. Where’s Blue Man Group?” Okay, I am not an idiot, Ford. You are an idiot.
Susan Cooper: You should not be in this casino because De Luca is here and I need to get close to him.
Rick Ford: Yeah? How you going to do that? Huh? How you going to do that, Cooper? What, are you going to seduce him? That your big fucking plan?
Susan Cooper: Yeah, what if it is? Why is that so hard to believe?
Rick Ford: Because you look like a flute player in a wedding band. That’s fucking why!
Rick Ford: I’m here to take De Luca out.
Susan Cooper: Ooh, it sounds romantic. I hope you get lucky!
Rick Ford: Goddamn it, if I was trying to sound romantic you’d be lying on the floor, soaking wet and breathless wondering what came over you. But I’m not! So get the fuck out of my way.
Susan Cooper: I need you to rein it in, buddy, okay? If you take out De Luca, we don’t have a shot at getting Rayna. So take it down, like, five thousand notches!
Rick Ford: Take it down? That’s how you get polonium-210 slipped into your drink…
Susan Cooper: Oh…
[Susan rolls her eyes as she listens to another one of Ford’s stories]
Rick Ford: …and go eighteen months in intensive care for radiation poisoning and go six months without eyesight while everybody you’ve ever loved is gunned down!
Susan Cooper: Really? Everybody that you love has been gunned down, and just you survive? Did you ever think that maybe everybody you love is not being killed but they’re killing themselves because they can’t stand to be around you?
Rick Ford: This shit’s the real deal, life and death. This, the field is a hell of a lot different than sitting behind your fucking monitor googling shit.
Susan Cooper: Stay away from me, Ford. And do not let De Luca see you. And by the way, I can see your gun sticking out of your back pocket. Unless you’re so extreme that you’ve got a second dick coming out of your hip!
[after getting kicked out of the private casino area Susan sees a waiter handing a note from De Luca to Rayna, she gets back into contact with Nancy via her earpiece]
Susan Cooper: Nancy?
Nancy B. Artingstall: Susan. Oh, my God! Hi!
Susan Cooper: I found her, I found Rayna. She’s with De Luca.
Nancy B. Artingstall: You did it! Excellent tracking and reporting, madam.
[Susan then spots a man slip poison into Rayna’s drink before the waiter takes it to her]
Susan Cooper: Oh, my God. Somebody just put something in her drink.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What is it? Is it poison?
Susan Cooper: I don’t think it’s a fiber supplement.
Total Quotes: 209