Starring: Kumail Nanjiani, Dave Bautista, Iko Uwais, Natalie Morales, Betty Gilpin, Jimmy Tatro, Mira Sorvino, Karen Gillan
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Action comedy directed by Michael Dowse, in which the story follows mild-mannered Uber driver, Stu (Kumail Nanjiani), who after he picks up grizzled detective, Vic (Dave Bautista), who is hot on the trail of a bloodthirsty killer, finds himself thrust into a harrowing ordeal where he has to keep his wits, avoid danger, and work with his passenger while maintaining his high customer service rating.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 43)
[as he Stu picks up his boss from Outside The Box for an Uber ride]
Richie Sandusky: Ooh. New ride? A little eco-puss for me but not bad. How did you afford this, Stuber?
Stu: It’s a lease, and you can stop calling me Stuber.
Richie Sandusky: Oh, come on. You know I got to be tough with you. I can’t show favoritism in front of my other employees.
Stu: Just type in your destination.
[Richie types it in and “Bosley – Hair Restoration comes” up]
Richie Sandusky: I’m not going to Bosley.
Richie Sandusky: I’m banging a chick that works there.
Stu: Is her name Propecia?
Richie Sandusky: Huh?
[Stu is repeating his ride’s order at a drive-thru]
Drunk Jerk: Five cheeseburgers.
Stu: Five cheeseburgers.
Woman: Five cheeseburgers.
Drunk Jerk: No onions, no pickles.
Stu: No onions, no pickles.
Woman: Did you say five cheeseburgers?
[turning to the client]
Stu: You’re not going to eat this in the car, right?
Drunk Jerk: Oh, no.
Vic: Man, that jackass screwed up my eyes. I can’t see sh*t.
Nicole: So, um, I know it’s only August, but I think I’m going to do Christmas with mom and David this year.
Vic: What about eating here? It’s our Christmas tradition.
Nicole: No. This is not our tradition. This is your tradition. I hate coming here.
Vic: Hey, Howard Wu is good people. And I like the food anyway, it’s good.
Nicole: So, um, guess your eyes are too banged up to make it tonight?
[Vic looks at Nicole as if to say “for what?”]
Nicole: Tonight! Abbot Kinney.
Vic: Oh. Of course. Yeah, no, I was just thinking about that earlier. You think I’d miss my baby girl’s first gallery show?
Nicole: Well, you did schedule eye surgery the same day as it, so.
Vic: Well, even if I was having a heart transplant today, I’d be there.
Nicole: Right. But you can’t actually see, so.
Vic: I’ll get up real close then.
Vic: Don’t do that. Don’t do that where you breathe like that. I’ll be there. Just pick me up on your way.
Nicole: Oh. Sure, yeah, I’ll drive two hours out of my way, in traffic, during a heatwave, to pick you up. Instead of, I don’t know, getting ready for maybe the biggest night of my career.
Nicole: Give me your phone. Come on, come on! Give me your phone. If you’re really serious about coming, then I’m going to make it as easy on you as possible.
[Vic gives her his phone]
Nicole: Okay. This is Uber.
[shows him the app on her phone]
Vic: Yes, I know what Uber is.
Nicole: Okay, then you know how to get to your daughter’s art show, that you definitely remembered was tonight. Okay, you’re going to need a password, so. My birthday, how about that?
Vic: Your birthday.
Nicole: That’s a good test. Okay. Do you have any good selfies? You’re going to need a picture.
Vic: I don’t know.
[Nicole sees that all his pics are of crime scenes]
Nicole: Wow. Cool pics, dad. Okay, look at me.
[Nicole takes a picture of Vic]
Nicole: Great. Here you go.
Vic: I can’t wait for tonight.
[as he checks his phone for his next Uber customer, who is Vic]
Stu: Jesus Christ. Please be a five star ride.
[Vic steps in front of Stu’s vehicle]
Vic: Hey! Uber?
[to himself as Vic gets into the car]
Stu: Oh, my God. Okay. Be cool. Be nice. Smile. Smile.
[Vic puts his head through the passenger window and looks into the car]
[as Vic gets into the car]
Stu: Hey. Let me guess, you want me to drive you to all the Sarah Connors in the city, huh?
Vic: Come on. Start it up. Let’s go.
Stu: Oh, it’s already started. Electric car. I call it silent but deadly. Kind of like a fart, but instead it’s a great car.
Stu: I’m Stu. How do you do?
[Stu extends his hand, but Vic ignores it]
Stu: Can I get you some bottled water? Some Canadian chocolates? It was one of those things where I thought I was getting five bars on Amazon, but I ended up getting five…
Vic: Koreatown. Now!
Stu: Koreatown. Now. Hold on. I’m going to bang a U-ey here real quick.
[he starts turning the car around slowly]
Stu: Nope. Don’t got it. Hold on.
[another car honks its horn at him]
Stu: [mouths] Thank you, thank you.
[as he continues to turn]
Stu: Oh. Didn’t quite make it. Just a second.
[the other car honks its horn again]
Man: Let’s go!
Stu: Looks like someone drove their car into a ditch.
Vic: They should put a sign up.
Stu: Well, if they didn’t see the ditch, they’re not going to see the sign.
[Stu smiles, but Vic just looks at him as Stu continues to turn]
Stu: Just a couple more points and we got it.
[after Stu picks up two Uber clients]
Vic: What the hell’s going on?
Stu: Two young women have just gotten into the back seat of the car. You selected the UberPool option, so.
Stu: UberPool. Uh, you pool the cost of the ride with other passengers going in the same direction.
Stu: It’s actually very cost-efficient.
Stu: They’re going to USC, and he’s just…
[Vic turns in his seat and holds up his police badge]
Vic: No, no, no. Ladies, official police business.
Sloan: Is that even real?
Vic: Get the f**k out of the car!
[the girls jump in shock]
Melanie: Oh, God!
Vic: Go, go! Move it, move it!
Melanie: Stop yelling at us!
Vic: Grab your sh*t and get out!
Stu: What? No, no.
Stu: No, please come back!
Melanie: You’re so lame!
Stu: Please don’t penalize my star rating! Not my fault!
Vic: Come on. Let’s go, Steve. Come on.
[Stu just stares at him]
Vic: Are you staring at me?
Stu: Official police business?
Vic: Just going to see a friend.
Stu: Never Uber’d a cop before. Ever been shot? Ever taken a bullet for someone?
Vic: What do you mean?
Stu: Like have you ever jumped in front of someone and taken a bullet that was intended for that person? You know what I mean? Person, bullet, you.
Vic: You think by the time a gun is fired that you can jump in front of a bullet?
Stu: Now I’m starting to question it.
Vic: Yeah, we don’t live in slow-motion land, kid. I bet you’re also wondering if I’ve ever walked away from a big explosion, and not looked over my shoulder?
Stu: You’ve made your point.
Vic: Shot out the tires on a car speeding towards me?
Stu: A hundred times over.
[referring to Vic’s bad impersonation of Leon]
Stu: Very problematic.
Vic: Sizzle Room. Compton.
Stu: What other races can you do impressions of? Can you do me?
Stu: Okay, stop just yelling neighborhoods. That’s not how Uber works, okay? You’re quick to anger.
[Stu and Vic are in the dressing room of a male stripper club; referring to the sandwich Felix is eating]
Amber: That looks good. What is that? Chicken salad?
Felix: Mm-hmm. You want a bite?
Amber: No thank you, sweetie. But here’s the thing though, you really think you should be eating that?
Felix: Well, I mean, I am hungry.
[announces to the other male dancers]
Amber: Water only four hours before stage! Ain’t that right, fellas?
Dancers: Yeah. Yes, ma’am.
Male Dancer: Them’s the rules.
Stu: Not even, like, a granola bar? Is that healthy?
Amber: Who the f**k are you?
Stu: Oh, no, actually, I just mean carbs are unfairly demonized. You know, if that’s how he’s looking, I wouldn’t change what he’s cooking.
Felix: It’s fine.
Amber: Oh, it’s fine? So you think people come in here to see a fat piece of sh*t flopping his t*ts around?
Felix: I don’t have t*ts!
Amber: Nobody wants to see a big d*ck hanging off a bag of garbage.
Stu: I shouldn’t have weighed in. I’m sorry, not a pun.
Amber: Oh, no, no. Please continue to mansplain to me what I’m supposed to be doing, because, you know, as a woman, I have no f**king idea!
Stu: You do your thing. I’ll go f**k myself.
Amber: Thank you so much for giving me permission.
[turns to the male dancer and slaps the sandwich out of his hand]
Amber: Are you still eating that?
Stu: You don’t have man boobs.
[referring to Amber]
Felix: Her bark is way more vicious than her bite. That’s not true. She bit me. It really hurt. Hey, can you give me a hand with something?
Stu: Your self-esteem?
[Stu receives three red roses on his text message from Becca]
Felix: Three red roses? Girl is thirsty.
[referring to Leon]
Vic: He was a good man.
Amber: A loyal customer. A friend.
Vic: So were you two close-close?
Amber: Leon was a complicated man. He liked bl*wjobs from the back. That’s tough.
[referring to Becca]
Stu: I just love her, man. I do. Since college.
Felix: Does she know?
Stu: No. You know, we had sex once, like a year and a half ago. She was going through a breakup. I’m over at her house, and we’re getting drunk, we’re watching When Harry Met Sally, and then one thing lead to another, and then her Harry met my Sally, and it was great. But then she acted like nothing happened. So then I acted like nothing happened, and so then nothing happened.
Felix: Alright. Look, you need to tell her how you feel. A relationship cannot thrive without honesty. That’s why Amber calls me out for being a fat piece of dogsh*t.
Stu: That’s abuse. That’s a different thing.
Felix: No, it’s love. Tough love.
[Stu is Facetiming with Becca while he is in male stripper club dressing room]
Becca: Um, did I just see a pen*s? Where are you?
Stu: Oh. Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere.
Becca: Did I just see a d*ck the size of Simon Birch, or what’s going on?
Vic: I will drag your a** to jail.
Stu: A white cop dragging around a brown man. That’ll look great.
Vic: I’m not white.
Stu: You’re not white? What are you? Puerto Rican? Mexican? Libyan? Chilean?
[Vic shakes his head]
Stu: You’re not Chinese.
Vic: And I’m the r**ist one?
Stu: You look like if all the ugly people in every race f**ked.
[referring to Amo]
Vic: Watch him. I’ll be back.
Amo Cortez: This is bullsh*t, man!
[Stu gets out of the car and rushes to Vic]
Stu: No. No, no. Vic. Vic. No, no, no. Hey, hey, hey. You cannot just leave him in my car. This is a hard no for me.
Vic: This is an UberPool, right?
Stu: No, it’s not an UberPool! Don’t act like you know what UberPool is, okay? You learned that earlier today.
[referring to the gun]
Vic: Here, take this.
Stu: Oh, no, I am not touching that.
Vic: He can help me crack a case I’ve been working on for years! He’s handcuffed. He’s locked in a car.
Stu: I’m not doing it.
Vic: The safety’s on.
Vic: Just point it at him. Don’t let him smell you’re a civilian. Two minutes. You get your five stars, and you’re free to go see your girl, man. And you get to tell her how you helped an officer in need. Steve, this is your night in the desert.
[Stu takes the gun]
Stu: My name is Stu.
[handcuffed by Vic and put in the backseat of the Stu’s car]
Amo Cortez: Is this an Uber? Man, f**k this! I’m out of here.
[he tries to unlock the door]
Stu: Hey! This ain’t no Uber. I’m undercover. And I’m the bad cop, you little girl.
Amo Cortez: Open this door!
Stu: My partner may look scary, but I’m the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Amo Cortez: What?
Stu: Back at the precinct they call me Wolf.
[he howls and Amo stars to laugh]
[Amo keeps banging himself against the car door]
Stu: Stop that! Why are you laughing? Stop that! Stop! Stop that! Stop laughing! I’m a cop! I’m being for real!
Amo Cortez: F**k you! You ain’t no cop!
Stu: I am a cop! I’ll take you downtown! Stop that!
[Amo uses his legs to smash the passenger car window]
Stu: You’re going to go to jail! I’ll f**king book you, man!
[Amo tries to leave through the car window and starts kicking Stu’s seat]
Stu: No! Please, please! Stop it! Stop kicking!
[suddenly Stu’s shoots the gun Vic gave him]
Amo Cortez: Oh, sh*t!
[Stu screams and drops the gun]
Amo Cortez: How dare you! You f**king shot me! F**k! You shot me, man!
[Vic comes back]
Vic: What the hell did you do?
Stu: You said the safety was on!
Vic: It was!
Stu: Oh, my God! He’s bleeding out! I killed him!
[Vic looks at Amo’s wound]
Vic: Oh, you got shot in the leg.
Vic: Good for you.
[as Vic is trying to get information from Amo, Stu takes Amo’s phone]
Stu: Oh, look, you’ve got Twitter. Perfect.
Amo Cortez: What are you doing, man?
[Stu starts typing]
Stu: “I love Ryan Gosling.” Open parenthesis.
Amo Cortez: What? What?
Stu: “So hot-t-t-t-t.”
Amo Cortez: No!
Amo Cortez: What the…
Stu: Oh, look, bunch of notifications coming in. Very engaged audience.
[starts typing into Amo’s phone again]
Stu: “Here are my favorite Ryan Gosling movies.”
Amo Cortez: No, no, no!
Stu: “Number three, The Notebook.”
Amo Cortez: No!
Stu: “Number two, The Notebook.”
Amo Cortez: What?
Stu: “Number one, La La Land.” Send.
Amo Cortez: I hate Gosling, man!
[as Stu is walking to his car]
Vic: Where the hell are you going? They picked up your plates. They think you’re my partner. If they can run your plates, they sure as sh*t can find where you sleep! And your girlfriend. You’re in this now.
[Stu turns to Vic]
Stu: All I wanted to do was drive nights, a few weekends. Save up enough money to open
a goddamn spin gym for women with my platonic friend, who I happen to be in love with. Pathetic? Sure. But it was manageable!
Stu: Do you know how many people I just watched die?
Vic: Five. Technically four. You fainted before Amo got shot in the head.
Stu: Rhetorical! Rhetorical question, dude!
Stu: I’m going to need therapy for the rest of my life. And I don’t have insurance, so I’m going to have to get cheap student therapists who quote white guys with Indian names, and tell me that I should meditate. I do meditate!
Vic: Yes! Get angry! Own that sh*t! Now, come on. Let’s go!
[referring to Vic]
Nicole: So, how do you know my dad?
Stu: He kidnapped me. We killed some people.
[as they are about to enter Outside The Box Sporting Goods store]
Vic: Oh, this is your other horrible job? I came here once to buy some fishing gear. Clerk was a real d*ck. I wanted to shoot him in the leg, but I had self-control.
Stu: Yeah, that was probably my boss. He’s the second worst guy I’ve ever met.
Vic: Who’s the first?
Stu: I’ll give you a hint. It’s you.
[after Richie finds Stu and Vic broken into Outside The Box]
Richie Sandusky: Stuber? Is that you?
Vic: Stuber. Oh, that’s great, because you drive an Uber. That’s a great pun.
[Stu puts out his arms for a hug]
Stu: Come on.
Vic: What are you doing?
Stu: Get over here, big guy. After all the horrors we’ve been through, we’ve earned this. Come on.
Vic: Save it for a tree, bud.
Stu: Hey. Men can hug. Okay? And I know deep inside that needlessly muscular body, is the biggest muscle of all, your heart. And I want to hug that heart.
[Stu steps closer to go in for a hug, but Vic stops him]
[Stu looks down to see Vic’s extended hand, and they shake hands]
Vic: Thank you for driving.
Stu: I’m a henchman! I’ve been aiding and abetting a bad guy. You Stockholm syndromed me! That’s not cool!
Vic: You saved my a**. You saved my a**, kid. You’ve got brass balls.
Stu: Don’t talk about my balls!
Vic: It’s me and you.
Stu: Leave my balls out of this.
Vic: We’re a team, buddy. Make a U-turn.
Stu: Very funny.
[as Stu is driving crazy]
Vic: You’re scaring me, Stu! And I love it!
Stu: I spent my time driving a**holes like you around. I got pretty good at it!
Stu: I got an idea! I’m going to throw this propane tank at them. You shoot it. It’ll blow up their car!
Vic: This isn’t freaking Jaws!
Stu: Exactly! Just like Jaws. It’s going to work! Ready? One, two, go!
[he throws the can out the window, Vic shoots it and it explodes the car chasing them]
Stu: Okay, they were bad men. They made bad choices, and it was their fault, not mine.
[to Vic as they are being shot at]
Stu: I got this.
[he picks up the phone next to him]
Stu: Hello, operator? We need help. Someone’s trying to murder us!
[just then his voice comes up over the factory speakers]
Stu: “Hello, operator? We need help. Someone’s trying to murder us!” Sh*t.
[the thug laughs as they hear Stu over the factory speakers]
[repeated over the speakers]
[Vic grabs the phone off Stu in anger]
Stu: Okay. Okay.
[as Vic and Tedjo are fighting]
Vic: Stu, take the shot! Shoot!
Stu: Just defeat him!
Oka Tedjo: Come on!
[he kicks Vic]
Stu: He’s so little!
[Vic and Tedjo are beating each other up]
Stu: Stop it!
Vic: Stu! Stu! Take the shot, Stu! Shoot!
Oka Tedjo: Come on!
[Vic runs at Tedjo as they continue to fight]
Vic: Stu, take the shot!
[as Stu tries to shoot, the gun doesn’t shoot, he throws the gun at Tedjo, he catches it, punches Vic with it and throws it back in Stu’s face, knocking him out]
[as he sees his Uber car explode]
Stu: No! It was a lease! There’s no gasoline! How would it catch fire? The propane!
[referring to Vic, as she visits both of them in the hospital]
Nicole: Thank you for taking care of him.
Stu: I didn’t want to. He made me.
Nicole: And for literally taking a bullet for me.
Stu: Yeah, I guess that was pretty heroic, huh? If I do get a medal, I’m going to donate it to an orphanage. Just to inspire those little sh*ts.
[as Vic sees that Stu’s Uber ride cost him over five thousand dollars]
Stu: Surge pricing, baby!
Vic: Mother frigger.
Stu: No tip? That’s an interesting choice.
[Stu sees that Vic has given him a five star rating]
Stu: Five stars. Thank you. Uh, so I didn’t think you were going to give me five stars, so I already rated you three stars. But given the circumstances, I feel that’s very generous.
Vic: Hey. Thank you, for saving her.
[he hugs Stu and starts crying]
Stu: Do you need a tissue for those tears?
Vic: No, that’s… There must be some hot sauce in your hair.
Stu: Must be.
[last lines; Vic turns up at at Nicole’s for Christmas and he sees Stu with her]
Nicole: Oh, yeah, we’re dating now.
[she kisses Stu on the cheek]
Nicole: We were debating when to tell you, but…
Stu: Christmas felt right.
[Vic looks speechless]
Nicole: You alright?
Stu: This is your night in the desert.
Nicole: Come on, dad.
[they take Vic inside the house]
Total Quotes: 43
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