Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane, Amanda Seyfried, Jessica Barth, Giovanni Ribisi, Morgan Freeman, Sam J. Jones, Patrick Warburton, Michael Dorn, Bill Smitrovich, John Slattery, Cocoa Brown, John Carroll Lynch, Ron Canada, Liam Neeson, Dennis Haysbert, Patrick Stewart



Comedy sequel directed and co-written by Seth MacFarlane. The story follows buddies John (Mark Wahlberg), now a bachelor, and best pal Ted (Seth MacFarlane), now married to Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). Problems arise when the couple decide to adopt a child, but the law declares Ted to be property and not a person. Angry and dejected, Ted seeks legal help from a young lawyer, Samantha (Amanda Seyfried), and a legendary, civil-rights attorney, Patrick Meighan (Morgan Freeman), to get the justice he deserves.


Best Quotes   (Total Quotes: 172)


Narrator: [voice over] We are often told that happily ever afters exists only in the pages of fairy tales, and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. And yet on this bright sunny Boston afternoon, a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend. Proving two things: Happy endings can come true for anyone, and America doesn’t give a sh*t about anything.


[we see Ted and Tami-Lynn in a church getting married]
Sam Jones: Do you Tami-Lynn McCafferty take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Tami-Lynn: I do!
Sam Jones: And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Ted: F**king A right I do!
Sam Jones: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bear.
[Ted and Tami-Lynn kiss and the guests in the church clap and cheer]


[at their wedding reception]
Tami-Lynn: Teddy, this is the best day of my life! I just love you so much!
Ted: I love you too, baby I’m going to go fifty shades of bear on you tonight!
Tami-Lynn: Let’s go get sh*t faced!
Ted: Okay!


[Tami-Lynn gets them some bears from the bar]
Tami-Lynn: Thank you.
[she hands a bottle to Ted, at the same time Guy walks up to them hand in hand with his boyfriend]
Guy: Hey, congratulations, you mo-fo’s.
Ted: Oh, hey, Guy.
Guy: Beautiful ceremony.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, thank you so much for being part of it.
Guy: Hey, this is my new boyfriend Rick.
Rick: How you doing?
Tami-Lynn: Good, good.
Guy: He is a gourmet chef. So he knows how to toss a salad.
[they both chuckle]


Guy: Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, you guys getting married?
Guy: No, we’re just going to go home and tie our d*cks together.
Rick: Huh! f**k you.
Guy: F**k you.
Rick: Deal.
[they high five each other and hold onto each other arms]


[Ted notices John sitting on his own looking sad so Ted walks over to him]
Ted: Hey, buddy. Are you okay there? You look a little down. Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?
[flashback to Ted’s bachelor party where Ted, John and some other guys are watching something on TV]
John: She’s f**king begging for it!
Ted: She’s totally. Yeah, get it! Get in there!
Bachelor Party Guest: Look at her! She wants it bad!
[we see they are watching a nature program where two bears are copulating]
John: Yeah, she wants more than just a f**king pizza delivery, huh?
Ted: That’s bigger than the average bear, right there, I’ll tell you that.
John: Hey, you know what’s f**ked up? That’s somebody’s f**king daughter!
Bachelor Party Guest: Oh, Jesus, come on!


[back to the wedding reception with Ted and John looking sad]
John: No, I’m fine. I was just thinking about Lori.
Ted: Oh, Johnny. Come on. Man, it’s been six months since you guys got divorced.
John: I know! I know! It’s just that, I don’t know, being back in that church again? You know, everything seemed like it was going to be so perfect.
Ted: Yeah, well, you’re not the first guy to marry the wrong girl.


Sam Jones: Hey! Big day, huh, bud? You guys want to celebrate with a little…?
[he wipes his nose indicating drugs]
Ted: Oh, no. Thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn’d kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day.
Sam Jones: Ah, she won’t notice. I just did a line with a dude in the men’s room and I bet you can’t even spot him.
[he looks up and we see a man vigorously jumping rope in the middle of the guests, he then punches a guest and jumps out the window]
Ted: Yeah, I’m going to pass.


[as they are dancing at their wedding reception]
Ted: This is the best day of my life!


[One Year Later; Ted is sat in their apartment going through their piled up bills]
Ted: Hey, I’m starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
Tami-Lynn: I’m carrying cancer! I’m cooking your f**king steak! What do you think I’m doing?
Ted: What do I think you’re doing? I think you’re bleeding us dry, is what I think you’re doing.
[pointing to a bill]
Ted: Look at this, look at this! A hundred and twenty-nine dollars at Filings Basement! What are you buying over there, Tami, gold bars?
Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work. Alright, Teddy!
What do you mean? You wear a smock! You’re a f**king cashier!
Tami-Lynn: Yeah! So are you!
Yeah, exactly and I’m not, I’m not going out and buying designer sh*t! I’m not going into…
Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You’re just buying weed! You’re just buying drugs, you should f**king talk!
I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you, or else I never get to f**king say anything!


Ted: Are you going to let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: You’re always cutting me off!
Ted: Are you going to let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: You know what?
Ted: Are you going to let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: It’s important to look good at work, okay? I’m trying to climb corporate fence here! Okay?
Ted: People are not…! Nobody is in there to look at your a**. Their all there to buy…
Tami-Lynn: You know what? You’re acting like an a**hole!
Ted: Oh, what am I acting like?!
Tami-Lynn: You’re acting like a f**king a**hole!
Ted: What am I acting like?!
Tami-Lynn: Like an a**hole! That’s what you’re acting like.


Ted: You don’t have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag.
Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay?
Ted: The face of business? Jesus Christ!
Tami-Lynn: Just get off my case, alright?!
Ted: Listen to you, you’re delusional!
Tami-Lynn: I should’ve married Robby Echico, I really should’ve.
Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that a**hole!
Tami-Lynn: He treated me good, and he had a d*ck! He had an awesome d*ck!
Ted: Oh, news flash! “Boston whore has seen Italian penis.”
Tami-Lynn: What the f**k did you just call me? What did you just f**king call me…?
[suddenly Tami-Lynn picks up the frying pan off the stove and throws it at Ted]
Ted: Jesus f**king Christ?! What the f**k?!


Tami-Lynn: Are you going to call me a whore?!
[Tami-Lynn throws the toaster at Ted]
Ted: You want to throw sh*t?
Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I want to f**king throw sh*t!
Ted: I’ll f**king throw sh*t!
[Ted throws a beer bottle at the wall smashing it]
Ted: There! See? How do you like that?
[he then throws the table over]
Tami-Lynn: Oh! I’m so scared. I’m really f**king scared of you, little f**king bear!
Boston Neighbor: Shut the f**k up!
Ted: Oh, for Christ’s sake!


[Ted opens the window and shout down to the neighbor]
Ted: You shut the f**k up!
Boston Neighbor: Why do not you come down and make me, tough guy?
Ted: Yeah, why don’t you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
Boston Neighbor: I am going to come up there and I’m going to kick your f**king a**!
Ted: I want you to try, a**hole! Get your a** up here and kick my a**!
[a Portuguese neighbor opens her window and shouts at the in Portuguese]
Ted: Shut the f**k up, you bitch!
[they all start shouting and swearing at each other]
Ted: Why don’t you shut up?
Boston Neighbor: People are trying to sleep!
Ted: Shut the f**k up!
[the Portuguese neighbor closes her window]
Boston Neighbor: Hey, I’m really sorry!
Ted: Yeah, me too.
Boston Neighbor: She’s worse than us.
Ted: Yeah, she’s our enemy now.


[Ted is at the bar drinking with John]
John: You guys at least tried marriage therapy?
Ted: Oh, God. Yeah, it was a freaking disaster. Two hundred and fifty dollars and we didn’t learn a Goddamn thing.
John: Two-fifty? Due, that’s ridiculous. I mean, doesn’t your insurance cover that or something?
Ted: No, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obama Care on the internet, but I came back five minutes later, she was looking at bl*ck c*cks.
John: It seems like every time you go online you’re two clicks away from bl*ck c*cks. Look, see?
[he takes out his phone]
John: I googled Grand Canyon. Here. Look, it says, “Did you mean bl*ck c*cks?”


Ted: I don’t know, man, I got to do something or my marriage is going to collapse.
Allison: Here you go, guys.
[she brings them their drinks]
Allison: We’re going to be closing in a few minutes. I’m going to this after hours thing at my friend’s apartment if you want to join?
John: Oh, thanks, Allison, but I got an early day tomorrow.
Allison: Oh. Okay. Well, if you change your mind, here’s the address.
[she writes it down on a napkin]
Allison: I put my cell number on there too.
[she turns and walks away]


[referring to Allison]
Ted: Oh, my God! Are you f**king kidding me?
John: What?
Ted: What do you mean what? After hours? Jeez, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
John: I’m not into it.
Ted: John, you’ve been saying that for over a year and a half about every chick that throws herself at you. You got to get back in the game, man!
John: No, don’t start this sh*t. Alright? Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and got burned. I’m not going to make that mistake again.
Ted: Jesus, Johnny. You’re not going to marry Allison, you’re just going to bang her, and maybe pee a little on her.
John: What?
Ted: It’s always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
John: Yeah, I got to take a leak.
[John rises and walks off]


Ted: Sorry, Allison. I tried.
Allison: Oh, it’s okay. I just wish he wasn’t so Goddamn cute.
Ted: Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniels with just a splash of Gray Goose?
Allison: Wish I could help you, but we’re closing.
Ted: Come on. One drink and I promise I won’t tell anybody that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex.
[we hear John shouting from the bathroom]
John: Hey, what the f**k are you doing? Get off me!
[Jay Leno walks out of the bathroom]
Jay Leno: Sorry! It’s my mistake.


[at the grocery store, Liam Neeson stops at Ted’s counter to buy Trix cereal]
Liam Neeson: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Liam Neeson: I’d, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Liam Neeson: That’s right. I’ve been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children, is that correct?
Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, Trix are for kids in the commercials.
Liam Neeson: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Liam Neeson: So if I purchases these Trix there’ll be no trouble?
Ted: No, no, you should be fine.
Liam Neeson: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.


Liam Neeson: Okay, I’m going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. You’ll be okay.
Liam Neeson: And, uh, I won’t be followed?
Ted: Uh, no. That’s not in our budget here.
[Liam Neeson puts the money on the counter]
Liam Neeson: Hey, I won’t forget what you’ve done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do.
[Liam Neeson hides the cereal box under his jacket and walks off]
Ted: Jesus Christ!


[Ted’s co-worker, Joy, notices that Tami-Lynn is not talking to Ted]
Joy: You two still not talking?
Ted: No. Honest to God, Joy, I don’t know how to fix this. I mean, how the hell do you take a broken marriage and make it work again?
Joy: Well, I tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby.
Ted: A baby?
Joy: Uh-huh! Look at that. You see them two white ni**ers over there?
[Ted turns to look at the couple in the store holding their baby]
Ted: Yeah, what?
Joy: Look at them, they’re so happy. Because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn’t have that baby, they’d just be two sad a** white ni**ers waiting for Downton Abby to come home.
Ted: “White”, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase or…?
Joy: I’m telling you Ted, y’all better have a baby or your marriage is over. Trust.


[Ted goes to see Tami-Lynn in the stock room]
Ted: Uh, hey.
Tami-Lynn: Go away Teddy.
Ted: Tami, listen, I just want to talk to you. Okay? Will you just listen to me for one second?
Tami-Lynn: Why? So you can give me sh*t about my clothes?
Ted: No! Look, I’m sorry about that, okay? I’m sorry, I was an a**hole and I didn’t mean it.
Tami-Lynn: You know, whatever, Teddy.
Ted: Tami, listen. I love you. Okay? And I don’t want us to fight like we’ve been doing the past few months.
Tami-Lynn: I don’t know, Teddy. I mean, something got to change. You know? Because I can’t do this no more. It’s too much.
Ted: I know, I know. And that’s why I want to have a baby.
Tami-Lynn: You do?
Ted: Yeah.


Tami-Lynn: A baby? Like really?
Ted: Yeah! See I think if we got a kid to love, it’ll teach us how to love each other again.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God, Teddy. You better not be messing with me.
Ted: I swear to God, I’m not messing with you. I think you’ll make an awesome mom.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? I would like kick so much a** at moming.
Ted: So what do you say, we all good?
Tami-Lynn: Yes! Ah, I love you! I love you so much!
Ted: Oh, baby! I love you too!
[Tami-Lynn kisses Ted]
Ted: Let’s make a baby!
Tami-Lynn: Let’s make a baby!


[John and Ted are sat on the couch getting stoned as they watch TV]
John: Okay, are you ready?
Ted: Oh, sh*t. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
John: Here it comes.
Ted: Okay. Okay. I’m ready.
[Ted starts singing the theme tune to Law & Order as it starts on the TV]
Ted: Let’s all go to court. Let’s go make some law now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, some law. Bow, I say we go to court.
John: Yes, let’s go to court.
Ted: We’re a bunch of a**holes who take up a whole hallway with our conversation.
[Ted continues to sing to the theme tune as it finishes]
Ted: Hey, you lawyer guys. You don’t know me and Johnny are watching you. While we’re high.
John: That was f**king magic.
Ted: That felt smooth. That felt really smooth.
John: It’s all in the pocket.


Ted: Hey, so, uh, listen, I got some big news to tell you.
John: Oh, yeah. What’s that?
Ted: Tami-Lynn and I are going to have a baby.
John: Holy sh*t! You?
Ted: Yeah! Yeah! We talked about it today.
John: Dude, that’s f**king awesome! Congratulations!
Ted: Thank You!
John: Wait, wait, wait! How do you guys…?
Ted: Well, that’s the thing. We, uh, we got to find a sperm donor.


Ted: And, um, I’m wondering, what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him?
John: You want to Flash Gordon to father of your child?
Ted: Yeah, I mean do you think would that be weird? Like he’d be freaked out if I…?
John: No, I think he’d be flattered, plus your baby would be a f**king superhero!
Ted: Well that was the logic I arrived at as well.
John: I say do it.
Ted: Alright, I’ll shoot him an e-mail right now and see if I can stop by tonight. You’ll come with me?
John: Sure!
Ted: Alright, great.


[as Ted goes to send a text to Sam Jones]
Ted: Sh*t, I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John: Yeah, go ahead.
Ted: Okay, thanks.
[Ted goes to use John’s laptop]
Ted: What the f**k?
John: Holy sh*t! What’s the matter? What happened? What’s going on?
[John goes over to Ted who’s sat looking at John’s laptop]
Ted: There is so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing looking at my private sh*t?
Ted: What are you talking about “private sh*t”? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I’ve been meaning to clear some of that out.


Ted: Jesus Christ! Look at the organization here. Clockwise rim job, counter clockwise rim job.
John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way.
Ted: You sick f**k! Look at this! Chicks with d*cks?!
John: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, alright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: Well this is such a relief. You have to help, I’m glad I finally got caught. I wanted to be caught!
Ted: Johnny, you listen to me. This is a wakeup call. Alright? You got to get back out there and meet somebody because you are spiraling out of control here.
John: Alright, alright. Fine, I will. Just stop looking at that sh*t, please!
Ted: Johnny, I mean it! Alright? The next chick you meet you are getting be back in the game.
John: Fine, I got it. Done!
Ted: Alright.


[Ted picks up John’s laptop]
Ted: Now, let’s get rid of this.
John: What do you mean? Just delete the files.
Ted: No, no, no. That sh*t can always be recovered. We got to smash your laptop with a hammer.
[we see John and Ted smashing the laptop]
John: Alright, there. Are you happy?
Ted: No, the circuits can still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We got to bury it in the harbor.
[we see John and Ted burying the laptop at the bottom of the harbor]


[Ted and John are at Sam Jones’ house]
Ted: So basically that’s it. We need a sperm donor. So what do you say? You’d really be helping me and Tami out.
Sam Jones: No can do, my brother.
Ted: Well why not?
Sam Jones: Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the eighties and my sperm count is a little low.
John: Well how low?
Sam Jones: One.
John: One?
Sam Jones: Yeah, little fella’s having his own “I am Legend” in my nut sack.
Ted: Well, can we have that one?
Sam Jones: No! going to need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. Come on guys. I mean, are we done here? I got to go. That Sister, Sister marathon ain’t going to watch itself.


[as they leave Sam Jones’ house]
Ted: I can’t believe it. That son of a bitch!
John: That was really selfish of him.
Ted: I know, and after I’ve watched his piece of sh*t movie like a hundred times. Goddamn it!
[Ted throws a stone in anger and it hits Sam Jones’ car window, smashing it]
John: Oh, sh*t!
[Ted and John make a run for it]


Ted: Johnny, please, just help me do this, okay? He’s the only guy in the world whose sperm is even close to Flash Gordon’s.
John: Teddy, it’s insane. We can get in a lot of trouble.
Ted: Not if nobody finds out. Look, look. John, John. We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep and sneak out with the sperm. It’ll be easy. And think how awesome the baby will be.
John: It would be a sweet a** f**king baby. Alright, I’ll help you, but we got to have a game plan.
[posing as an A/C repair man, John knocks on a door of a large house; to himself]


John: I’m calm down. Just calm down.
[Tom Brady opens the front door]
Tom Brady: Yeah, can I help you?
John: Hey. Um, you’re, uh, Tom Brady?
Tom Brady: Yeah.
John: Um, your neighbors called and your air-conditioning is making a lot of noise so I’m supposed to check out the unit.
Tom Brady: Oh, okay. Yeah, it’s around the back.
John: Okay. Um, I just, I need a signature, in case I got to get some parts for the building.
[he gives Tom Brady a pad with pen and paper to sign]
John: If you could just write that to John and Ted with number twelve. And you’re not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
Tom Brady: It’s around the back.
John: Alright. Yeah.
[John goes round the back and cuts the A/C]


[that night Tom Brady finds his A/C isn’t working]
Tom Brady: Stupid f**king idiot!
[he opens his bedroom window to cool off before going to bed; outside the house Ted and John watch the lights go out]
Ted: Okay. Go, go, go!
[Ted and John climb onto Tom Brady’s bedroom balcony]
John: Take the damn rain gear off, you’re making too much noise.
Ted: Piss off! I don’t want to get any jizz on me.


[they walk over to Tom Brady, who’s asleep in his bed]
Ted: Two league MVPs, four Super Bowl rings. Guaranteed first bell at hall of fame. Now let’s give him a hand job into this red solo cup.
John: Alright, go ahead.
Ted: What do you mean go ahead? You got to do it.
John: What are you talking about? You’re the one who needs the sperm.
Ted: Yeah, but it’s got to be a human hand. It’s got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn’t work.
John: No, it doesn’t, it’s just friction
Ted: Look, I’ve never done this before.
John: Well neither have I!
Ted: You do it to yourself!
John: Yeah, but that’s different!
Ted: You’re an adult with a poster of this guy in your f**king room. You’re telling me you don’t want this?
John: Yeah, I want it. You know I want it, but I’m nervous, alright? What if he doesn’t like the way I’m doing it? He’s like the best.
Ted: Pull yourself together for God sakes. He’s going to love it. Go, go, go!
John: Alright.


[John gently lifts Tom Brady’s bed cover as he sleeps, and they see a golden light shining through from Brady’s groin area]
John: Sweet God and baby Jesus.
Ted: And that’s at rest.
[suddenly Tom Brady wakes up]
Tom Brady: What the hell?!
John: Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time.
Tom Brady: What are you doing here? Who are you? Get out of my house!
John: Wait, Mr. Brady!
[Brady pushes John off the balcony]
Ted: Wait, wait, wait! Mr. Brady!
[Brady picks up Ted]
Tom Brady: Take your Goddamn teddy bear with you!
[he throws Ted down at John]
John: Holy sh*t! I hurt my spinal!
Ted: Come on, let’s get out of here.
[the quickly make a run for it]


[after running from Tom Brady’s house]
Ted: F**k! What the hell do we do now?
John: Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.
Ted: What’s that?
John: Why didn’t you just come to me?
Ted: What are you talking about?
John: For the sperm.
Ted: Johnny, you kidding me? You’re the first person I wanted to go. But you’ve just been so bummed out over your divorce lately, that I just, you know, I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. And plus, after seeing your laptop I didn’t think you had any left.
John: Just so you know, I’m totally willing to do it.
Ted: Really? You’d do that for me?
John: What? Ted, you’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you. And besides, we just broke into Tom Brady’s house and tried to jerk him off. You’re ready to be a parent.
Ted: God, I do not know what to say. Johnny, thank you. Thank you so much!
John: Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?
Ted: Thunder buddies for life.
John: Now, come on. We got to get out of here before the cops show up.


[over a cop’s car radio]
Police Car Radio: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units please respond.
Boston PD Cop #2: What’s a 3-17?
Boston PD Cop #1: Someone’s trying to steal Tom Brady’s jizz again.


[Ted and John are sat waiting in a fertility clinic, Ted notices John subtly touching his groin]
Ted: What is that?
John: What?
Ted: What are you doing?
John: I’m getting ready, dude.
Ted: What do you mean you’re getting ready? What are you doing with your hand?
John: I’m doing this for you, I’m getting ready. I got to go in there and perform.
Ted: You got your hand on your d*ck. What are you doing?
John: I’m trying to get it half hard so when I get in there I can just bust it out.
Ted: Sitting out here in the public, jerking off? Where do you think you are, a Red Lobster? What are you doing?
John: What do you think I’m got to do in there, alright?
Ted: Forget it.


Ted: Now look, you haven’t smoked pot for two whole days right?
John: Yes, I told you, I’m clean. Alright? Your baby is going to be fine.
Ted: Alright, I’m sorry. I just don’t want something I got to feed with a pitchfork when he’s sixteen.
Female Nurse: John Bennett?
John: Hi.
Female Nurse: Right this way. I’ll show where to deposit your specimen.
[John goes to follow the nurse]
Ted: Hey, Johnny! Johnny.
[he points the nurse and indicates that John should bang her]


[as the fertility clinic nurse is escorting him]
John: I’m John Bennett.
Female Nurse: I know, I just said your name.
John: Alright, yeah. Sorry, I’m just a little nervous. You know I’ve been out of the game for a while.
Female Nurse: The game?
John: Well, I don’t talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women, ladies.
Female Nurse: I see.
John: Hey, when I’m done here, how about a drink?
[the nurse looks at the cup he’s holding up with confusion]
John: Oh, I didn’t, I don’t mean this. I just, I meant like a regular drink.
Female Nurse: I have a boyfriend.
John: Oh, yeah. Okay. Too bad, you’re missing out on a great guy.


John: Do I just spit in my hand or do I get like a lube or something or a magazine? In video I like Asian teens…
Female Nurse: There’s stuff right there.
John: Alright. Yeah, thanks.


[Ted walks up to the fertility clinic receptionist]
Ted: Excuse me, where’s your none jerking off bathroom?
Receptionist: Down that hallway to the left.
Ted: Okay, thanks.
[Ted walks down the hallway and notices a door with the sign “Donor Storage”]
Ted: Oh, no way.
[a doctor walks out of the storage room]
Ted: Oh, hey, doc. Is this where you guys store all the, uh, stuff?
Dr. Ed Danzer: It’s the intermediary station before insemination. Are you..
Ted: Oh, no. My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample in one of the rooms.
Dr. Ed Danzer: Well, that’s a good friend.
Ted: Yeah.
Dr. Ed Danzer: I’m Dr. Danzer.
Ted: Oh, cool.
[Ted chuckles and sings]
Ted: “Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer.” Yeah, whatever. I don’t know.


Dr. Ed Danzer: Wait now, you look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came to life?
Ted: I am. That’s me, yeah.
Dr. Ed Danzer: See, I was trying to figure out where I’d seen you before and that’s it.
Ted: That’s a good eye, good eye. So, uh, how did you get in to this line of work? Do you just love cum?
Dr. Ed Danzer: Uh, not especially. But I love helping good people fulfill their dreams of having children. It’s amazing what we can do here. You want to, you want to have a look?
Ted: Yeah, sure.


[Danzer shows Ted into the storage room]
Dr. Ed Danzer: This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnoses. We can eliminate hereditary diseases such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle cell anemia. The list goes on and on really.
Ted: Wow.
[John enters the room]
Ted: Hey, Johnny, you did it!
John: Right here, buddy.
[he holds up the his cup of semen]
Ted: Ew! I mean, awesome!
Female Nurse: Excuse me. Doctor, your wife’s on the phone. She said it’s an emergency.
[to Ted and John]
Dr. Ed Danzer: Excuse me, I’ll be right back.
[he leaves]


[holding out his cup of semen]
John: You want to see it, huh? You want to see your kid?
Ted: I can see it from here. Thanks, yeah.
John: Take a closer look, it’s your kid.
[John walks towards Ted who starts backing away]
Ted: No, no, no. Come on! No, no, no.
John: Take a closer look.
Ted: That’s close enough, Johnny.
John: It’s beautiful.
Ted: Yeah. I’ll trade you, catch!
[Ted picks a up sample semen cup and throws it at John]
Ted: What the…? Holy sh*t!
[the semen cup falls to the floor spills]


Ted: Oh, God!
John: What the f**k? That’s somebody’s f**king kid!
Ted: Well it’s not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it!
John: We got to find something and scoop it up.
Ted: There’s containers over there, scoop it up with that.
John: Alright.
[John takes an empty cup and starts to scoop the semen off the floor]
Ted: Alright, that’s not going to work. You need two of them, you got to scoop one into the other.
[as John goes to get another container he slips on the semen, as he falls he takes down the shelves with the samples and he gets covered in sperm samples]
John: Oh, sh*t! f**k! Oh, f**k!
Ted: Oh, my God!
John: F**k!


John: Oh, my God! It’s in my eyes! I’m blinking it in!
[Ted starts choking in disgust]
John: Oh, my God! It’s in my f**king mouth!
Ted: Don’t worry. Hang on! I got to post this on Facebook.
[Ted takes out his phone and takes a photo of John]
John: No!
Ted: Hashtag, “grrr, Mondays.”
[just then the nurse walks into the room]
Female Nurse: Oh, my God!
John: Look, I’m so sorry!
Ted: We swear to God it was an accident! We’re so sorry.
Female Nurse: Well I guess it’s alright. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: You hear that, Johnny? You’re covered in rejected black guys sp*rm. You look like a Kardashian.
John: F**k.


[we see Donny working as a janitor at Hasbro when the CEO walks out of his office with his assistants]
Donny: Good morning, Mr. Jessup.
Tom Jessup: Good morning.
Donny: My name is Donny.
Tom Jessup: Hi, Donny.
Donny: Hi.
[to his assistant]
Tom Jessup: Now this is a multi-platform release, so I want a full report…
Donny: Fresh cakes.
[Jessup turns and looks at Donnie in confusion]
Tom Jessup: What?
Donny: In the urinal, sir. I noticed you always use urinal force so I put fresh cakes in there for you. You’re an important man, you should never have to smell pee. See, most people flip the cakes. I replace the cakes. That’s the Donny difference.
[Jessup turns to continue his conversation with his assistant and they walk away]


[Ted and Tami-Lynn meet with the fertility doctor]
Fertility Doctor: I’m afraid I have bad news. I won’t be able to perform the implantation procedure.
Ted: Wait, what?
Tami-Lynn: Why not?
Fertility Doctor: Tami-Lynn, according to your test results you are no longer fertile.
Tami-Lynn: What?
Ted: Wait, wait. Doc, doc. Are you sure about that? I mean, maybe you should check again or something, you know?
Fertility Doctor: Well, I’m quite sure. Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised.
[pointing to the x-ray of an ovarian canal]
Ted: What are you talking about? It looks fine.
Tami-Lynn: Yeah.
Fertility Doctor: Forgive me, that’s a normal ovary. This is Tami-Lynn’s.
[he shows them Tami-Lynn’s x-ray which looks totally wrecked]
Ted: Jesus!


Tami-Lynn: Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot. I mean, you probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right?
Fertility Doctor: No. Not once. Not ever. When I saw this, I threw up, almost quite medicine. Bottom line is insemination isn’t possible.
[Tami-Lynn starts crying]
Tami-Lynn: I don’t understand, okay? None of this makes any sense. I mean…
Ted: It’s okay. It’s okay, honey. Come on, let’s just go.
Tami-Lynn: No. What does this mean, Teddy? Does this mean we can’t have a baby?
[Ted starts leading Tami-Lynn out of the office]
Ted: I do not know, but it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
Fertility Doctor: It really isn’t.


[Ted and Tami-Lynn are at an adoption agency]
Adoption Agent: Well, I’ve gone through your application and vetted your personal histories and I’m afraid this isn’t going to work out.
Tami-Lynn: What?
Ted: Why not?
Adoption Agent: Well, first of all there’s a question of Tami-Lynn’s drug conviction.
Tami-Lynn: Hey, I did my community service.
Ted: Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She’s clean.
Adoption Agent: There’s another issue and honestly it’s the more serious one. I was reluctant to bring it up because it’s a little awkward. Ted, in the eyes of the state you are not a person.
Ted: Wait, what?
Adoption Agent: The state official I spoke to said that technically you are classified as property.


Ted: I’m not a person?
Adoption Agent: Not according to the government. I’m sorry.
Tami-Lynn: But that is so f**ked up!
Ted: Property?
Tami-Lynn: You know, Teddy, let’s get out of here. Come on.
[Ted and Tami-Lynn start to walk out of the office]
Adoption Agent: Look, you seem like good people. Be careful.
Ted: What do you mean “be careful”?
Adoption Agent: The state official I spoke to made it sound like your status has gone under the radar for some time. Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. If they choose to investigate the issue it may leave you quite vulnerable.


[whilst at work Ted is in deep thought when John enters the store]
John: Hey, I just got off work and heard your message. Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that?
Ted: Yeah, it’s unbelievable. Property. They said I’m property.
John: Yeah, what does that even mean? Like you’re a thing? What like garbage or a piece of sh*t?
Ted: Well, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah.
Tami-Lynn: What the hell do they know? It’s just a word. They can’t change your whole life just by calling it property.
Joy: Bullsh*t! Better ask my ancestors. You know, one minute you’re in Africa washing your
clothes in your river, titties out, you’re good. Then all of the sudden, you somewhere across the world f**king Thomas Jefferson.
Ted: Wow, you make history come alive.


John: Why the hell is this just coming up now?
Ted: Well, I mean, I’ve never voted, I don’t have a drivers license, I don’t pay taxes. I mean, hell, this is the first job I ever had.
[Ted’s boss, Frank, interrupts them]
Frank: Ted, can I see you for a moment?
[Ted is in Frank’s office]
Frank: I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let you go.
Ted: What? Why? I’ve been busting my a** at this job for three years.
Frank: I just got a call from the labor department. I can’t legally keep you on as an employee because I’ve been informed that you’re technically…
Ted: Technically not a person. Yeah, Jesus Christ!
Frank: I’m sorry but as of today you’re fired.


[Ted reads the letters he’s holding to Tami-Lynn as they sit up in bed]
Ted: “Dear Ted, your Chase bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship.” “Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked.” “Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Chino rewards member.” f**k, that’s a big one.
Tami-Lynn: This poor baby booty. It’s always going to be empty. There’s never going to be a little foot in here.
Ted: I don’t understand. We would’ve made such great parents.
[he takes puff from his joint]


Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
Ted: What, what, what?! What’s wrong?
Tami-Lynn: Look at this.
[she reads from a letter]
Tami-Lynn: “Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state and therefore invalid and hereby annulled.” Teddy, can they do this to us?
Ted: Let me see that.
[he looks at the letter]
Ted: This is a nightmare.


[Ted meets John in the park and shows him the letter about his marriage to Tami-Lynn]
Ted: You f**king believe that?
John: No. This is insane.
Ted: I mean, Tami is the woman I love. You know, I would have never even have tried to adopt a dog If I’d known that it was going to cause me this kind of sh*t storm.
John: This whole thing is complete bullsh*t. If you ask me, we got to fight it.
Ted: What do you mean?
John: I mean we get a lawyer.
Ted: Oh, my God. Can we do that?
John: Hell, yeah! You know what we do? We’ll get a lawyer and we’ll sue the f**king government for your civil rights.
Ted: Johnny, that’s a great idea. Hey, hey, maybe we can get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers who gets shot in the head and then turns all retarded and nice and goes “What we’re doing is wrong.”
John: Yes.


John: You know, we get out there and we stick it to them good. We take that sh*t all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to.
Ted: Yeah. But we don’t know any lawyer, all our friends make sandwiches.
John: No, we just google Boston lawyers.
Ted: Ah.
[John googles it using his phone]
John: Jesus, look at that bl*ck c*ck.


[Ted and John meet with a lawyer, Karl Jackson]
Karl Jackson: This is a very complicated case you have here. Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.
John: Well everybody says you’re the best in town.
Karl Jackson: Listen, your case is not going to be cheap. What is your financial situation?
Ted: Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the rail roads.
John: Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O. Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
Ted: We’re working on short line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
John: Yeah, and I have four houses on Baltic Ave. I’m thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel.
Ted: I won second prize at a beauty contest, that’s fifty dollars right there.
Karl Jackson: Are you guys just saying monopoly stuff?
Ted: Hey, I tell you what, I’m going to drive around the block and I’ll be back with two hundred dollars.


[Ted and John meet with a lawyer, Karl Jackson]
Karl Jackson: This is a very complicated case you have here. Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.
John: Well everybody says you’re the best in town.
Karl Jackson: Listen, your case is not going to be cheap. What is your financial situation?
Ted: Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the rail roads.
John: Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O. Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
Ted: We’re working on short line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
John: Yeah, and I have four houses on Baltic Ave. I’m thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel.
Ted: I won second prize at a beauty contest, that’s fifty dollars right there.
Karl Jackson: Are you guys just saying monopoly stuff?
Ted: Hey, I tell you what, I’m going to drive around the block and I’ll be back with two hundred dollars.


Karl Jackson: I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. My niece recently passed her bar exam, and I’ve hired her on as junior associate here with the firm. I can assign her to your case pro-bono. Well then you would get a hungry young attorney and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. So what do you say to that?
Ted: Yeah, sure, it sounds great.
John: Um, are those hard candies like just to take?
Karl Jackson: Uh, those aren’t supposed to be out.
[he puts the candies in his drawer]


[Ted and John enter Jackson’s niece office]
Ted: Hello?
Samantha: Oh! f**k!
[Sam, who’s under her desk, bangs her head on the desk before getting up]
Samantha: Hi.
John: Are you okay?
Samantha: Yeah, I’m fine. You must be Ted.
Ted: Yeah, uh, I’m Ted, this is my buddy John.
John: Hi.
Samantha: My uncle says that you guys are my first clients.


Ted: Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Samantha: I am twenty-six.
Ted: Ah.
Samantha: What, is there a problem?
Ted: Well, you know, I just don’t want my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening arguments
John: You know, it’s just a really important case. I mean Ted has already lost his job and his marriage has been annulled.
Samantha: I know, my uncle gave me all the details.
Ted: Right, you see, the thing is we don’t want to take any chances because the stakes are so significant.
John: We can’t just rush into anything. We got to make sure we do the right decision.
Ted: Yeah, we really appreciate your time, but I think what we’re probably going to do is just…
[Sam stars smoking pot in front of them]
Ted: …take a seat and get to work.
John: We trust you completely.
Samantha: Yeah, we really feel you got a lot to offer.


Samantha: Sorry. You don’t mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John: Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted: Yeah. I’m going to get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about twenty minutes.


Samantha: Oh, I’m Samantha Jackson.
[she shakes hands with Ted]
Samantha: Ted, how are you?
[Sam then shakes John’s hand]
John: Good to meet you. John.
Ted: Wait, wait, wait. What’s your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my God! So you’re Sam L. Jackson!
John: That’s f**king great, just like Samuel L. Jackson!
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy.


[Ted and John start smoking some pot called “help me get home” with Sam in her office]
Ted: You know, I’m surprised that a lawyer like you gets high. I mean, aren’t you supposed to be fighting the war on drugs and all that sh*t?
Samantha: Please, the war on drugs is a joke. It’s just a way for the government to inflate law enforcement budgets and lock up minorities for no good legal reason. And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority.
Ted: Yeah, no sh*t.
Samantha: They denied you the same rights as everybody else just because you’re different. And I say that’s a violation of the constitution.
Ted: Well, so what do you say? Can you get me my life back?
Samantha: I’m going to try.


John: Hey, guys, I’m having some troubles over here.
Ted: What’s the matter?
John: Can you help me get home?
[Sam and Ted help John walk to his apartment]
John: I’m having a real hard time!
Ted: John, it’s okay, buddy. It’s okay, you’re doing fine. You’re doing great.
John: No, I’m scared!
Samantha: I know, I know. Come on. It’s okay, though. You just have to hang on to the wall.
[a car beeps scaring John]
John: Don’t let them get me!
Samantha: How far away does he live?
Ted: Uh, about a mile and a half.
Samantha: Oh, f**k. Okay. Okay. It’s okay.


[getting research from the library]
Samantha: Alright, I got Dred Scott vs Sandford, Plessy vs Ferguson and Brown vs The Board of Education
John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs Predator, and Freddy vs Jason.
Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail and The importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.


Samantha: Okay, I’m going to ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yep, bring it on.
Samantha: You’re on the stand, the D.A. says: “Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?”
Ted: Objection.
John: Sustained.
Samantha: No, the witness can’t object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty.
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay.
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We can totally be lawyers.


[John, Ted and Sam are watching Roots on TV]
Ted: That’s just like me. That’s exactly what I’m going through.
John: Well, it’s a little different.
Samantha: You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you’re going to need a name last name.
Ted: Oh, yeah, you’re right. Okay, okay, I got one.
Samantha: Okay, what is it?
Ted: Clubber Lang.
Samantha: Who is Clubber Lang?
Ted: Who is Clubberlang?
John: Mr. T’s character on Rocky III. Hello?
Samantha: So that’s a boxing movie?
Ted: A boxing move? Have your never seen Rocky?
John: She’s not serious.
Ted: You’ve never seen Rocky? Come on. You know…
[he starts singing the theme tune to Rocky]
Ted: You know, Rocky!
Samantha: I’m not going to remember a movie I’ve never seen just because you’re singing a song I don’t know.


John: You do not know Samuel L. Jackson. You don’t know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.
Samantha: I have a college degree, my pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. Ever heard of any of them?
Ted: No, but I’m pretty sure Mr. T could kick their a**.
John: Yeah. Sam, you really need to be educated.
Samantha: Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Bloom?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Ted: Who’s that?
Samantha: The author.


John: Well, why are you saying f**k him?
Samantha: What?
Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. What did Scott Fitzgerald ever do to you?
Samantha: No, that’s his first name.
Ted: His name’s f**k Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well then what’s the F stand for?
Samantha: Francis!
Ted: No, it got to be f**k.
John: It must be f**k.
Ted: It must be f**k, yeah.
John: It has to be f**k.
Samantha: Why the hell would it be f**k?
John: Well because otherwise why wouldn’t he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he’s hiding something. It’s f**k.
John: Come on, read between the lines.
Ted: His name’s f**k. It’s f**k.
Samantha: It’s completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.


[back at Hasbro, Donny meets with Jessup due to his open door policy that any employee can come up with new toy ideas]
Donny: Mr. Jessup I can make this company a billion dollars.
Tom Jessup: I’m listening.
Donny: Thirty years ago a little boy named John Bennett made a wish that his teddy bear would come to life. Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears…
Tom Jessup: Yes, I’m aware of the story.
[Donny shows Jessup the newspaper which has headline “Talking Teddy Bear Sues for Personhood”]
Donny: Have you seen this?
Tom Jessup: So what?
Donny: Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. If he loses, the state will officially declare him a non-entity with no rights under the law. That means he becomes property. Mr. Jessup, we could take him back with only a trivial degree of legal consequences, if we were even caught.
Tom Jessup: And why would we do this?
Donny: Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. Hasbro will double its profits over night.


Donny: We just have to make sure that Ted loses the case. You use every back channel, every bribe, you call in every favor and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense. When Ted’s rights are officially nulled, we grab him. No one’s going to kick up a legal fuss over property.
Tom Jessup: You are hell of a lot smarter than your urinal case, Danny.
Donny: Really?
Tom Jessup: Now what exactly do you want from this?
Donny: Mr. Jessup, I’m not interested in money. I just want a Ted for my very own.
Tom Jessup: Alright. I think I can handle the defense, but let’s make one thing clear. We never had this conversation. Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. Do you understand?
Donny: Yes, I do.
Tom Jessup: I need Shep Wild.


[Sam and John are having dinner with Ted and Tami-Lynn]
Samantha: Oh, that was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn. I’ve never had Pringles on my steak before.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, it’s my pleasure. I mean, it’s the least I can do with all you’re doing for us, really.
Samantha: Well I haven’t done anything yet.
Ted: Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner, but, uh, all we got is Tami’s income these days since nobody’ll hire me.
Samantha: Things are getting really tight, huh?
Ted: Yeah, I’ve had to do things I’m not proud of.
[we see Ted standing on the sidewalk dressed like a hooker shouting to get customers]
Ted: BJ’s here! Get your BJ’s! Get your red hot BJ’s. Toothless and ready to go! Just three dollar! Three dollar! Get your BJ’s here!


Ted: Hey, listen, I got an idea. Uh, Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, huh?
[Tami-Lynn laughs and gets up to take the dishes with Ted]
Tami-Lynn: Alright, alright. Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch.
[to John]
Samantha: What do you think that was about?
John: Oh, it’s nothing. That’s his way of saying that I should ask you out.
Samantha: Ah.
John: Yeah, look…
Samantha: We should probably focus our attention on the case right now.
John: I completely agree.


Samantha: You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy like you is not attached?
John: Well, I was married, at one point. It just didn’t work out.
Samantha: Sh*t, I’m sorry. That sucks.
John: No. I mean we made it work day by day, but you know she was just always trying to change me into something I’m not. And I tried, you know. I mean, I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. One day I woke up and I just realized I wasn’t myself any more. You know, as much as I loved this person, we were completely wrong for each other.
Samantha: At least you figured it out early. Some people go through their whole lives trying to make it work with the wrong person.
John: Yeah.


John: So are we going to win this thing?
Samantha: Honestly, I don’t know.
John: Well we’re betting on you.
Ted: Hey, Johnny, come on. It’s almost seven o’clock, we got to get up there. Hey, Sam, you want in on this?
Samantha: What is it?
John: Oh, Tuesday nights we get f**ked up and throw apples at joggers.


[at the court room as they are waiting for the case to begin]
Tami-Lynn: Teddy? Teddy, I’m scared.
Ted: Baby, we’re going to be fine. Alright? I don’t care what any f**king piece of paper says, you are my wife.
Tami-Lynn: I love you so much. And I swear to God if we lose I’m going to f**king cut that judge.
Ted: Wait a minute, you brought your switch-blade?
Tami-Lynn: Yeah.
Ted: But they padded us down on the way in here. Where did you even hide it?
[suddenly realizes]
Ted: Oh.


John: Hey Sam. Who’s that butt hole over there?
Samantha: That is why we’ve been working so hard. That’s Shep Wild. It’s our bad luck they put him on the trial. He’s never lost a case in his life.
Judge: Mr. Wild, your opening statement if you please.
Shep Wild: Thank you, your honor. I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury for taking time out of their busy schedules to be a part of these proceedings. Now, the case we’ll examining today is really quite a simple one. Is Ted a human being or a piece of property? You know? It really is a very special, very unique thing to be human. It’s a gift from God bestowed upon only one species: us. But if we suddenly decide to share that gift,
where does that lead us? Does your dog deserve human rights? Your cat? Your toaster?
[the jury and the crowd in the room laugh]
Shep Wild: Suddenly being human doesn’t seem so special anymore, does it? I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.
Judge: Thank you Mr. Wild, for your opening statement.


[Sam walks over to face the jury for her opening argument]
Samantha: Hi. I’m Samantha Jackson. I got to be honest with you. I’m a little nervous Why am I nervous? Um, well not because I’m a junior attorney arguing her first case. And not because some of you might laugh at the fact that I’m representing a teddy bear.
[everyone laughs]
Samantha: No, I’m nervous because of one simple word. Justice. I’m nervous that you’re going to be swayed by smooth talk and a haircut and forget about the most important aspect to this case. Justice. A hundred and fifty years ago a slave by the name Dred Scott sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property. He lost. And as history has shown us, that wasn’t justice. In every civil rights conflict we are only able to recognize the just point of view years after the facts. And when the next conflict comes along, we’re once again blind to it as it’s happening. Well, this is different you say, but it isn’t. It is the same beast just wearing a different face, and it’s happening again today. So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, not to be a foot note on the wrong side of history. Don’t wait too long to be right. Thank You.
[Ted turns to John]
Ted: Erection.
John: Sustained.


Shep Wild: Miss McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child, is that correct?
Tami-Lynn: Yeah.
Shep Wild: And if I may inquire, why did you not choose to have a child of your own?
Tami-Lynn: Because Teddy ain’t got no d*ck.
[everyone laughs]
Shep Wild: And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage? Is it a freak of genetics?
Tami-Lynn: No, a**hole. He ain’t got a d*ck because he’s a f**king toy. What’s your excuse?
Ted: Oh, take a burn!
John: Yeah, how does your tongue taste in your own a**, Poindexter.
Ted: Yeah! What?
Judge: Order!


Samantha: Mr. Bennett, how would you categorize your relationship with Ted?
John: Well he’s my best friend.
Samantha: So you don’t see him as your property?
John: He’s not my property, he’s a person. He’s way more person than a lot of other people. I mean, f**king Steven Tyler? What the f**k is that? Some kind of weird soccer mom looking goonie monster?
Shep Wild: Your honor!
Judge: I’ll allow it.
Samantha: Thank you, Your Honor.
[to Shep]
Samantha: Your witness.


Shep Wild: Mr. Bennett? When and where did you first encounter Ted?
John: Well what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid.
Shep Wild: Aha, they got him. Where did they get him?
John: Child World Toy Store.
Shep Wild: I’m sorry, I couldn’t here that. Could you repeat that, please?
John: Child World Toy Store. You f**king heard me.
Shep Wild: There’s no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett.
John: Why? Nobody here likes you? I saw you eating lunch alone. You’re a loser!
Shep Wild: Your honor.
Judge: Mr. Bennett!
John: I hope that your kids get bird flu.
Judge: Mr. Bennett!
John: I’m sorry.


Shep Wild: Now, you said your parents purchased Ted. As one might purchase a baseball glove or a big wheel.
John: It’s not like that!
Ted: Objection!
Judge: You can’t do that.
Ted: You know what? This is bullsh*t! Alright? This court is trying to telling me that I’m not as good as other people. And this is exactly what you’ve been doing to the fags…
Samantha: Ted!
Ted: Sorry, sorry. The homos. The homos. This is exactly what you’ve been doing to the homos, and I say that is wrong!
Judge: Miss Jackson, please control your client or I’ll hold both of you in contempt of court.
Ted: No, piss off! Alright? I’m standing up for me and I’m standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha: Ted, shut up!
Ted: Fine.
[Ted sits, takes out his phone and starts playing a game]


Total Quotes: 172