Ted Quotes – ‘You’re my best friend.’

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, Patrick Warburton, Matt Walsh, Jessica Barth, Aedin Mincks, Bill Smitrovich, Patrick Stewart

OUR RATING: ★★★★☆

Story:

Comedy directed and co-written by Seth MacFarlane. The story centers on John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg), a Boston native whose childhood wish brings his teddy bear friend Ted (Seth MacFarlane) to life. However, in adulthood, Ted prevents John and his love interest Lori Collins (Mila Kunis) from moving on with their lives.

Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 110)

[first lines; movie opens in Boston, 1985]
Narrator: [voice over] It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a boy and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever. It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston, it was Christmas Eve and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year, when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids. But there was one child who wasn’t in such good spirits, little John Bennett. That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends.
[we see young John trying to join playing with the neighborhood kids, who are beating up another kid, but they tell him to get lost]
Narrator: [voice over] John longed, with all his heart, for that one true friend that he could call his own. And he knew that, if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go.

Narrator: [voice over] Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came. All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee. And for little John Bennett, Christmas day brought a very special new arrival.
[we see young John opening his Christmas present, which is a teddy bear]
Young John: Wow!
John’s Dad: I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh?
John’s Mom: Merry Christmas, John.
[John hugs the teddy bear and it sets off the automated teddy voice which says; ‘I love you!’]
Young John: He talks! I’m going to name you Teddy.

Narrator: [voice over] John became instantly attached to Teddy. There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets.
[as John lies in bed he hugs Teddy which sets off his recorded ‘I love you!’ message]
Young John: I love you too, Teddy. You know, I wish you could really talk to me. Because then we could be best friends for ever and ever!
Narrator: [voice over] Now if there’s one thing you can be sure of, it’s that nothing’s more powerful than a young boy’s wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles, it is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry, an absolute death machine. Well, as it turned out John picked a perfect night to make a wish.

[next morning after wishing his Teddy could talk, John wakens to find his Teddy missing and starts looking for it around his room]
Young John: Teddy? Teddy? Teddy?
[as John looks for Ted under his bed he suddenly hears a voice and turns to see Teddy]
Young Ted: Hug me!
[John screams in fear]
Young Ted: You’re my best friend, John.
Young John: Did you, did you just talk?
Young Ted: Don’t looks so surprised. You’re the one who wished for it, aren’t you?
Young John: Yeah. I did wish for it.
Young Ted: Well, here I am.
Young John: You mean, we get to be best friends for real?
Young Ted: For real.
Young John: For ever and ever?
Young Ted: Sounds good to me.
[John and Ted hug each other]

[as Ted and young John are hugging]
Narrator: [voice over] John was just about the happiest boy in the world, and he couldn’t wait to tell everyone the good news.
[John hurries downstairs to tell his parents]
Young John: Mom, dad, guess what? My Teddy Bear’s alive!
John’s Mom: Well, isn’t that exciting.
Young John: No, mom, he’s really alive! Look!
[Ted enters the kitchen]
Young Ted: Merry Christmas, everybody!
[John’s mom start screaming in fear and his father shouts]
John’s Dad: Jesus H fuck!
Young Ted: Let’s all be best friends!
John’s Mom: Oh, my God! Oh God!
John’s Dad: John, get away from that thing. Get over here! Right now!
Young John: But dad!
John’s Dad: Get over here!
John’s Mom: Listen to your father! Come over here!
[John goes over to his parents]

John’s Dad: Helen, get my gun!
Young John: Dad! No!
Young Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
John’s Dad: Helen, get my gun and call the police!
Young Ted: I’m sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn’t mean to scare anybody. I just wanted John and I to be friends.
Young John: Yeah, dad. I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive. My wish came true!
[Ted nods his head]
John’s Mom: Oh, my God! It’s a miracle. It’s a Christmas miracle. You’re just like the baby Jesus.

Narrator: [voice over] Well, it wasn’t long before the story of John’s little miracle was sweeping the nation.
[we see different news reporters on the TV talking about Ted]
Narrator: [voice over] Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.
[we see as Ted gets invited on the Johnny Carson show]
Johnny Carson: Hello, Teddy.
[Carson shakes Ted’s hand and the audience laughs]
Johnny Carson: You, you, uh, surprise me. I, for some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
[the audience laughs]
Young Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier.
[Carson laughs and the audience laughs and claps]

Narrator: [voice over] But through all the fame, Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.
[we see Ted and John under the covers in John bed hiding from the noise of thunder]
Young John: The thunder can’t get us, right?
Young Ted: Nope. We’re thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it. We’re totally safe.
Young John: Teddy?
Young Ted: Yeah, John?
Young John: Do you promise we’ll always be together?
Young Ted: I promise. Thunder buddies for life.
Young John: Thunder buddies for life.
Narrator: [voice over] And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.

Narrator: [voice over] So, where are John and Teddy today? Well, let me put it this way. No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re a Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking Teddy Bear, eventually nobody gives a shit.

[present day; we see Ted and John sitting on the couch, smoking pot and watching old cartoons]
Ted: Look, all I’m saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the else where’s of life.
John Bennett: That’s bullshit. What about Lori? She’s hot.
Ted: No, Lori is from Pennsylvania. That’s not a Boston girl.
John Bennett: They’re not that bad.
Ted: See, the fact that you have to say; ‘they’re not that bad’, means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
[he starts imitating the accent]
Ted: ‘Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Harder! Harder! Oh, God! That was so good! Now I’m going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm!’

[referring to the pot]
Ted: Jesus, this is weak! It’s not even getting me high. I think I’m going to have a talk with my weed guy.
John Bennett: It’s working for me.
Ted: I think it sucks, I’m going to have a talk with him.
John Bennett: I don’t know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints.
Ted: No, I’ve known this guy a long time. I’ve known him since 9/11. Do you remember? I was like; ‘Oh, shit, 9/11. I got to get high.’
John Bennett: Is it nine thirty?
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Shit! I got to get to work! I don’t know if I can drive!
[John gets up from the couch and runs to get ready]
Ted: It’s okay, I’ll drive. Yeah, I feel fine.

[Ted drives John to work, a rental car agency, as Ted goes to park the car he hits the car parked beside them]
John Bennett: Fuck!
Ted: Oh, shit!
John Bennett: Oh, man!
[John gets out of the car and goes to inspect the damage to the car]
Ted: Oh, Johnny. I’m sorry, man. That car just came out of nowhere. Oh, God! Is it bad?
[we see the driver’s side John’s car is pretty beat up as is the front of the other car]

[John’s boss calls him into his office after he arrives late and Ted crashes his car]
Thomas: John, it’s almost ten o’clock.
John Bennett: I know, sir. I’m sorry, it wasn’t my fault.
Thomas: What do you mean?
John Bennett: Well, I guess I wasn’t really prepared for a follow up question.
Thomas: John, all you got to do is not fuck up, and you get my job when I got to corporate next month. You’re the new branch manager, all you got to do is not fuck up.
John Bennett: I realize that.
Thomas: Good. Glad to hear it. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, thirty eight thousand dollar a year branch manager, who’s personal friends with Tom Skerritt. Not a bad life, is it?
John Bennett: No.

Thomas: I want to show you something’. I don’t like to show people, because I don’t want them treating me differently.
[he takes a large picture in a frame from his desk drawer]
Thomas: Boh! That’s me and Skerritt.
John Bennett: Wow!
Thomas: Goddamn right, wow. I’m going to dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today, alright? Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John Bennett: I will, sir. I promise. I’m not going to let you down, goose.
Thomas: What?
John Bennett: Top Gun.
Thomas: So?
John Bennett: Tom Skerritt.
Thomas: I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John Bennett: Thank you, sir.

[after John’s left his boss’ office, he sees his co-worker sporting a large black eye]
Guy: Hear you got busted.
John Bennett: Jesus, Guy! You look like shit, man! What happened?
Guy: I don’t know. I got fucking wasted last night, and, uh, my phone says I texted someone at three fifteen asking them to beat me up. And then, uh, at four thirty, I texted the same person saying ‘Thanks’.
John Bennett: You don’t remember it?
Guy: No, same as the last time.
John Bennett: It just seems kind of gay, doesn’t it?
Guy: I don’t know, maybe, yeah.
John Bennett: Well, do you think you’re part of some like gay beat-up underworld? Like one of those gay beat-up clubs or something?
Guy: I don’t know. I dig chicks, man. I don’t remember any of it, I was so fucked up. I might be gay, I don’t know. Hey, do you mind covering for me for a bit? I might go lay down in the John.

[turning to his co-workers]
John Bennett: Hey, guys, anybody know a nice restaurant? Like something where they give out pink bubble gum in the bathrooms?
Guy: For what?
John Bennett: Lori and I have been dating for four years tomorrow, I want to take her some place really nice.
Tanya: Oh, congratulations, John.
Guy: You guys have been going out for four years? My last relationship, was like, six months. And then she farted in her sleep, I’m like, I’m out of here, man. I was gone before she woke up.
John Bennett: Boy, he’s not very tolerant, huh?
Guy: Lori ever fart in front of you?
John Bennett: Yeah.
Guy: Really?
John Bennett: Yeah, many times.

[referring to Lori]
Tanya: John, look, don’t you think after four years, maybe she’s hoping for something more than dinner?
John Bennett: Like what?
Tami-Lynn: I don’t know. But if it were me, I’d be expecting a proposal.
John Bennett: Oh, come on! Nobody’s expecting anybody to propose. I mean, marriage isn’t, well, I mean, isn’t love enough? I assume that love is enough.
Guy: You can put the ring in her ass, let her fart it out.

[as they are sat on the couch, smoking pot and watching re-runs of Flash Gordon]
Ted: Hey, by the way. Don’t let me forget that you and I got to nail down a plan for the Rawlings game tomorrow.
John Bennett: Oh, no. I can’t. I’m taking Lori to dinner.
Ted: For what?
John Bennett: Well, we’ve been dating four years tomorrow.
Ted: Well, fuck me. Nice.
John Bennett: Let me ask you something. You don’t think she’s going to be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?
John Bennett: No! Like, uh, concircular gold thing on her finger?
Ted: Oh, fuck that! It’s been four years, Johnny. You and me have been together for twenty seven years. Where’s my ring? Huh? Where’s my ring, asshole?

[Ted climbs onto Johns lap and starts playfully hitting him]
John Bennett: Stop it!
Ted: Where’s my ring, motherfucker?
John Bennett: Come on!
Ted: Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! Come on!
John Bennett: Alight! Alright! Knock it off!
[John pushes Ted away]
Ted: Alright, I’m just saying.

John Bennett: I mean, but do you think she’s might be expecting me to make that kind of a movie?
Ted: No. No, I don’t think she is. And not only that, it’s the wrong time. It’s a terrible idea. I mean you got the economy, you got the credit bubble, the supreme court. I mean, look at Haiti?
John Bennett: Hell, I guess I didn’t think about that.
Ted: Well, that’s, you know, that’s a factor.
[they sit in silence for a moment as they watch the Flash Gordon movie]
John Bennett: This is the American fantasy right here. A professional and a field player is called upon to save the world.
Ted: Tom Brady could do that.
John Bennett: Tom Brady could do that!

[after Lori enters the apartment]
John Bennett: What do you go there?
Lori Collins: Turkey burgers.
Ted: Oh, turkey burgers. So are we having homosexuals over for dinner, tonight, is it?
Lori Collins: No, just you homo.
Ted: Woh!
John Bennett: Woh!
Ted: You kind of just reworded my joke, but, ha!

Ted: Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
John Bennett: Ooh, couple of Charles Brewkowski’s?
Ted: Brew Stojkovski’s?
John Bennett: Maybe a Mybrewger Slavski?
Ted: Perhaps a Teddy Brewski?
John Bennett: That’s a good one.
Lori Collins: You know, I think I too want a Martina Navratibrewski.
John Bennett: Oh, no! No! No!
Ted: No! No! No!
John Bennett: That’s doesn’t work.
Ted: No. Don’t ruin it. No.
Lori Collins: Bullshit! That totally worked!
Ted: No. No.
Lori Collins: Yeah, it does!
John Bennett: It doesn’t work.
Ted: It doesn’t work.
John Bennett: A name has to have a ‘ski’ at the end of it and you just put ‘brewski’ at the end of Martina Navratilova, so.
Lori Collins: Well, I just thought we were saying funny names.
Ted: No. No. It has, it has to have a “ski” at the end of it, otherwise, where’s the challenge? You know? If there’s no ‘ski’ at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.

[reading the paper in bed, as they get ready to sleep]
Lori Collins: They found the missing hikers.
John Bennett: They did?
Lori Collins: Yeah.
John Bennett: What happened?
Lori Collins: He said, they got separated and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock, for like, five days.
John Bennett: Woh!
Lori Collins: Mm.
John Bennett: You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, I’d chew it off to get you free.
Lori Collins: You would?
John Bennett: I sure would. Is that cannibalism?
Lori Collins: No, I think it’s only cannibalism if you swallow.
John Bennett: Oh, shit! God, no! Don’t worry about that, because I don’t swallow.
Lori Collins: Really? Because that’s not what I heard.
John Bennett: Well, it’s not true. Okay? I’m a classy broad.
[Lori laughs]
John Bennett: Yeah.
Lori Collins: I could see that.

Lori Collins: Listen, speaking of classy. Ciao Bella is a really expensive restaurant, so we can go anywhere else tomorrow. I really don’t care, as long as we’re together.
John Bennett: Are you kidding me? No, no, no! Four years we’ve been going out, I’m taking you to the best place in town. I love you.
Lori Collins: I love you too.
John Bennett: And you’re nasty.
[Lori laughs]
John Bennett: Do you want to get nasty?
[as John and Lori are making out, suddenly John hears the thunder from outside and puts his hands on his ears in fear]
Lori Collins: I don’t understand. I really don’t. You’re thirty-five years old and you’re still scared of a little thunder?
John Bennett: I am not!
[suddenly Ted comes running into room and jumps on the bed and lies next to John]

Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John Bennett: Fucking right!
Ted: Alright, come on, let’s sing the thunder song.
John Bennett: Alright.
[John and Ted start singing]
John, Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words; “Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can’t get me, thunder, because you’re just God’s farts!”
[they blow raspberries, Lori rolls her eyes at this and turns over and turns off the light]
Ted: Hey, Lori, can you set the alarm for 11 a.m.? I got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

[next morning, as Lori turns up to work looking flustered]
Gina: You okay there, sweetheart? Sound a little flustered.
Lori Collins: I’m fine. I’m fine. I just didn’t have time for breakfast, and the garage was full. Oh, and that’s right, my boyfriend can’t sleep through a thunderstorm without his teddy bear.
Gina: I don’t understand why you keep putting up with him.
Tracy: Yeah, I mean, they guy’s 35 and he’s working for a rental car service.
Lori Collins: You know, guys, it’s really, it’s not about that. I don’t care about that. I mean, I’d love him if he was a janitor. I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot. It’s just a bonus that he’s like the hottest guy in Boston. You know, I just wish he’d get his life together. Our life! And he can’t, and I swear to God, it is because of that bear.
Michelle: You should give him an ultimatum. It’s you or the bear.
Lori Collins: No, I can’t do that. That would devastate him. Besides, what if he chose Ted?

[after taking Lori’s boss takes her to his office and shows her his school diving team photo]
Rex: Check this out. It’s me in the high school diving team. We dove the shit out of that pool that year.
Lori Collins: You promised me this was about work.
Rex: Lori, why don’t you like me? I’m rich, I’m good looking, my dad owns the company.
Lori Collins: I have a boyfriend. I have told you this
Rex: Yeah, the guy with the bear. But I’m talking about a mature relationship, Lori. I mean, if we were together, our babies would be spectacular. I mean, with my top of the pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky, Baltic…? Czech?
Lori Collins: Goodbye, Rex.

[John and Lori dine at a five star restaurant to celebrate their anniversary, Lori recalls how they met four years ago at a club as John was dancing and accidently knocked Lori over with one of his dance moves]
Lori Collins: Okay, here’s a test to see how much you actually care about me. Do you remember that night after the club we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5 a.m.? We watched a movie on the little TV in the diner. Name that movie.
John Bennett: Octopussy.
Lori Collins: Baby! Gold star!
John Bennett: By the way, my dancing was not that bad.
Lori Collins: It was pretty bad.
John Bennett: I have cool moves.
Lori Collins: Yes, so do people with Parkinson’s.
John Bennett: That’s not how I remember it.
Lori Collins: Okay, how do you remember it?

[we see flashback of John remembering that the night he met Lori he looked like and danced like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever]
Lori Collins: Alright. Whatever you say.
[John raises his champagne glass]
John Bennett: Hey, here’s to four more years, huh?
Lori Collins: Yeah.
John Bennett: You make me happy.

John Bennett: Now, I know we said no gifts, but…
Lori Collins: We said no such thing.
John Bennett: I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the no gift rule.
Lori Collins: We have no such rule.
John Bennett: Lori, I wanted to give this to you for a long time.
[he places a small jewelry box in front of her]
John Bennett: John!
[Lori, looking excited, opens the box and finds a pair of cheap looking earrings]
John Bennett: Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall?
[Lori looking upset that it’s not the engagement ring she was hoping for]
Lori Collins: Yeah.

John Bennett: You know, Lori?
Lori Collins: Mm?
John Bennett: Someday there’s going to be a ring in there. Alright? But I want to wait until I get you something really special, you know? I just, I don’t have the money right now.
Lori Collins: Look, I’m only saying this because I love you. You’re not going to have any sort of career if you keep wasting time with Ted.
John Bennett: Oh, jeez. Here we go.
Lori Collins: Baby, please ask Ted to move out, so we can move on with our lives.
John Bennett: Alright, look. He’s been my best friend since I was 8, I was not a popular child. You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He’s the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence.
Lori Collins: But you’re no longer 8, you’re 35 years old. And unless you’re too blind too notice, he’s not your only friend anymore.
John Bennett: Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?

[after their anniversary dinner, Lori returns home to find Ted sat on their couch with some girls]
Ted: Lori! Hey, you’re home early.
Lori Collins: What the hell is this?
Ted: The ladies and I were just watching ‘Jack and Jill’. Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it’s, it’s just awful. It’s unwatchable, but you know, they’re hookers, so it’s fine.
Lori Collins: This place is wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Oh! Where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Shereen and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls, you know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night.

Lori Collins: What is that?
Ted: What is what?
Lori Collins: There’s a shit on my floor! In the corner there is a shit!
Ted: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we were playing truth or dare and, uh, Shereen is pretty ballsy.
Lori Collins: There is a shit on my floor!
Ted: Well, or is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
[at that moment John turns up behind Lori, playfully holding out a lobster]
John Bennett: Aah! Who lives here? I’m coming to get whoever lives here! You owe me lobster money!
[Ted laughs]
Ted: That’s my buddy, Johnny. Nor the lobster, they guy running it.
[John steps into the room]
John Bennett: I found my phone.
[he looks around the room]
John Bennett: What’s going on? Is that a shit?

[after the shit in the living room incident, John takes Ted to the aquarium to talk]
Ted: God, there are some fucked up fish out there. Oh, look at the one, waspy white guy fish.
[doing an impersonation of the fish’s voice]
Ted: ‘I married the wrong woman and now I lead a life of regret.’
[referring to another fish]
Ted: Oh, look at this guy.
[doing another voice]
Ted: ‘I went to New York once in 1981, and I just did not feel safe.’
John Bennett: Ted, you got to move out.
Ted: You, what?
John Bennett: It’s got to happen.
Ted: What did I do?

John Bennett: My relationship is at a very difficult stage and you’re Lori, and I may just need a little space right now. I mean, plus a hooker took a shit in our apartment.
[we see flashback to when Lori and John are cleaning up the shit in their apartment, Lori is trying to pick the shit up whilst John is standing in the corner behind her]
Lori Collins: Oh, God!
John Bennett: Oh, what?
[as Lori gets closer to pick up the shit]
Lori Collins: Oh, this is so gross!
John Bennett: Don’t tell me, I don’t want to hear about it! Did you get it?
Lori Collins: Oh, my God! No, I didn’t get it!
John Bennett: Well, tell me when you get it!
Lori Collins: Oh, my God! I got some on my thumb!
John Bennett: No!
Lori Collins: Oh, yes, I did!
John Bennett: You cannot ever cook with that hand again! I’m serious!
Lori Collins: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done!
John Bennett: Don’t! Get it away from me!

[back at the aquarium; referring to the shit in the living room incident]
Ted: Look, that was a tough night for all of us.
John Bennett: Ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori. I mean, I’m just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.
Ted: She’s making you do it, isn’t she?
John Bennett: Yes! I mean, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out, we’ll hang out all the time.
Ted: Yeah, but, what about thunder buddies for life, John?
John Bennett: I know! I just don’t know what to do here! I mean, I know it suck, but otherwise I’m going to lose her. And I do love her, Ted.
Ted: No, I know you do, Johnny.
John Bennett: I’ll help you get on your feet out there, I promise.
Ted: I know. And we’ll hang out all the time, right?
John Bennett: All the time.

[going towards John for a hug]
Ted: Oh, fuck it. Bring it in. Come here. Bring it in, you bastard. Come on.
[John hugs Ted and as he squeezes Ted, Ted’s toy voice is activated saying; ‘I love you’, they quickly pull apart]
Ted: Oh, fuck! Shit. Sorry, that’s the…
[John looks disappointed]
John Bennett: Oh.
Ted: The thing, the thing from…
John Bennett: The old…
Ted: Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
John Bennett: Yeah, I know. I know.
Ted: I’m not gay.
John Bennett: I know.
Ted: And you’re not gay, so we’re fine.
John Bennett: We got to get you a job.

[Ted is dressed in a suit and tie as John helps him find a job]
Ted: I look stupid.
John Bennett: No, you don’t. You look dapper.
Ted: I don’t! I look like Snuggles accountant.
John Bennett: Come on. It’s not that bad.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell them Grandma died.
John Bennett: Look, I know it sucks, okay? But you got to make some money so you can pay for an apartment.
Ted: I don’t want to work at a grocery store.
John Bennett: Yeah, but you have no skills.
Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
John Bennett: You get the job, we’re celebrating after. Okay?
[John takes out bag of weeds and shows it to Ted]
Ted: Uh-huh. And if I don’t get the job? Are we still going to smoke that pot?
John Bennett: Probably, yes.
Ted: Uh-huh. Okay. Alright. Good talk, coach. Thanks.
John Bennett: Alright, buddy. Go get them.
[Ted goes to cross the street, as he’s walking he turns to John]
Ted: And don’t worry. I’ll do my very best to get this job that I so crave.

[at his job interview]
Frank: So you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I’ll tell you what I got. Your wife’s pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody’s ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That’s because everyone’s mouth is usually full of your wife’s box.
Frank: You’re hired.
Ted: Shit.

[after getting the job, Ted and John take a stroll in the park and sit down to smoke their pot]
Ted: Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job. This is how the cast of Different Strokes feels, all day, every day. This is awful. They must feel awful. The alive ones must feel awful.
John Bennett: Come on. It’s not that bad, okay? I got a shitty job and I assure you, I’m quite content.
[a father and son approach Ted and John]
Donny: Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you. But, uh, my son and I couldn’t help but admire your teddy bear.
John Bennett: Oh, thank you.
Ted: Thanks.
Donny: Yeah. I’m Donny, this is Robert. I have to say, I’ve been following you ever since I was a young boy. And I remember seeing you on the Carson Show. You were just wonderful.
Ted: Oh, yeah. That was, that was a weird interview. Ed thought I was Alf and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments, thought Alf was Jewish for some reason.

Donny: Hey, have you ever considered selling the bear?
John Bennett: What?
Ted: Excuse me?
Robert: I want it.
Ted: Hey, I’m not an “it”, pal! I’m a “he”, alright?
John Bennett: I’m sorry, little guy. But my bear isn’t for sale. See, I’ve had him since I was about your age. He is very very special to me.
Robert: Stand up straight when you’re talking to me!
John Bennett: Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny: I’m sorry. You know, you really shouldn’t swear in front of children. Uh, look, we’re very interested in the bear. If you want to make some sort of arrangement, here’s my address and phone number. And you can call me any time, okay?
[John takes the piece of paper Donny just gave him and puts it in his wallet]
John Bennett: Will do. Look, here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff. Okay? Okay.
Donny: Okay.
John Bennett: See you later.

[after Donny and his son leave]
John Bennett: What the fuck?
Ted: Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?
John Bennett: I can totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly deliming you while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
John Bennett: “Oh, my little sixpence. My pretty little sixpence.”
Ted: Stop it.
John Bennett: “I love my sixpence…”
Ted: Knock it off.
[John keeps singing the tune]
Ted: Stop it. Stop it! Fuck! Why you got to take it to that place? You just took it to a very, now it’s real! Now it’s a real thing!
John Bennett: Oh, come on. Take it easy.
Ted: Look, let’s just find a better place to get stoned.

[John helps Ted move into a crappy Boston apartment]
John Bennett: Well, I guess this it, huh?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
John Bennett: First night on your own.
Ted: Yeah, first night in my beautiful new apartment.
John Bennett: Well, it’ll be great when it’s furnished.
Ted: Yeah, and the guy said, it ain’t hardly had no murders in. So that’s good.
John Bennett: Okay, so, if you need anything.
Ted: Yeah, I know. Don’t worry, Johnny. I’ll be fine.
John Bennett: I know you will.
[John leaves and looks back to see Ted looking at him sadly as he walks away]

[after Ted has moved out, as John is getting ready for work]
Lori Collins: You know what my favorite thing about you is? That even after four years, you can still surprise me. I mean, to step up and change such a huge part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier. I mean, I guess most guys wouldn’t do that.
John Bennett: Well, most guys don’t have you to motivate them.
[John kisses Lori]
Lori Collins: I know that I’m not a talking teddy bear, but at least you didn’t have to make a magical wish to get me.
John Bennett: How do you know?
[they start making out on the couch]
Lori Collins: Is that Flash Gordon Ray Gun or are you just happy to see me?
[John takes out his Flash Gordon Ray Gun and points it at Lori who starts laughing]

[whilst working at the grocery store, Ted notices the girl at one of the checkout counters]
Ted: Hey, hey, Ellen?
Ellen: Yeah?
Ted: Who’s that over there?
Ellen: Oh, that’s the new checkout girl. Don’t know her name, seems cute.
Ted: Yeah, very cute. You know what I’d like to do to her? Something I call a ‘dirty fuzzy’.
[Ted gets on the counter and waves at the checkout girl who waves back at him, then he blows her a kiss and she blows him a kiss back, then Ted starts moving back and forth suggestively against the checkout counter, then eats a candy like he was giving a blow job making the girl laugh, then he starts squirting white cream on his face like it was come, the checkout girl stops laughing and gives him a look]
Ted: Okay. Alright. So that’s where we’ll draw the line.

Tanya: Hey, how are you holding up?
John Bennett: Oh, I’m alright. I’m just getting used to things, that’s all.
Tanya: It’s going to be alright. I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend.
John Bennett: Really?
Tanya: Yeah. We were together for eight months and I really loved him. And then he got deported back to Iran. So I know what you’re going through.
John Bennett: Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both lost our furry little guy,
Tanya: We sure did.

[at work, John gets a phone call from Ted]
Ted: Hey, Johnny, what are doing? You want to come over and catch a buzz?
John Bennett: Well, I could probably stop by after work.
Ted: Fuck that. I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift. Come on, I’m bored as crap over here. Just swing by for a bit.
John Bennett: I cannot just ditch work, man. Look, I’m trying to get my shit together and be an adult here, you know, for Lori’s sake.
Ted: John, five minutes and then I’ll kick you out, I promise. Just come over. I got the Cheers DVD box-set, and the guy down at the store told me that everybody talked shit about each other in the interviews.
John Bennett: You’ll kick me out in five?
Ted: I will kick you out in five. John, I have to kick you out, I have so much teddy bear paper work I have to get to, it is sick.
John Bennett: Well, what do I tell Thomas?
Ted: Just tell him you don’t feel well.

[as John tries to leave work to go to Ted’s]
John Bennett: I got to cut out for a bit. Lori tried to break up a dog fight and she got hurt pretty bad.
Thomas: Oh, my God!
John Bennett: Yeah, she’s, I mean, that’s the way she is. She sees trouble and she wants to help out and I guess one of these dogs clamped its jaws on her forearm. It wouldn’t let go until the fireman showed up and had to stick his finger in his ass.
[Thomas looks at his index finger]
Thomas: Oh, Jesus!
John Bennett: Yeah, she’s pretty shook up.
Thomas: Up the dog’s ass, right?
John Bennett: Yeah, up the dog’s, not the fireman’s ass.
Thomas: I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.
John Bennett: No, I don’t think a firefighter would do that.
Thomas: Well, go, go! Take care of it. Let me know how she is.
John Bennett: Thank you.

[at Ted’s place the two of them laugh at the Cheers behind-the-scenes interviews]
Ted: Hey, listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
[Ted passes the pot to John]
John Bennett: What is it?
Ted: It’s called ‘Mind Rape’, it’s actually pretty mellow.
John Bennett: Well, it doesn’t sound very mellow.
Ted: Well, he only had three other batches. Uh, “Gorilla Panic”, uh, “They’re Coming, They’re Coming”, and something called “This is Permanent”. Go on, spark it up.
[John lights up the pot and smokes some and starts coughing]
Ted: There you go, you got it.
[John continues to cough]
Ted: Nice! Good, huh? Good job!
John Bennett: Yeah.
Ted: Take pride in that.

[referring to Ted’s apartment]
John Bennett: You know, this place looks great.
Ted: Oh, thanks, man. It’s all Ikea. Did the whole place for forty seven dollars.
John Bennett: Nice!
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: How are the neighbors?
Ted: Uh, you know, there’s an Asian family living next door. But they don’t have a gong or nothing, so it’s not too bad.
John Bennett: Oh, that’s lucky.
Ted: Yeah, it is.

Ted: How’s work?
John Bennett: It sucks.
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: You?
Ted: Yeah, you know, not bad actually. I met a girl, she’s a cashier.
John Bennett: No way! That’s awesome!
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Well, we should fucking double date or something. You, me and Lori, and what’s her name?
Ted: White trash name. Guess.
John Bennett: Mandy.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Marilyn.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Brittany?
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Tiffany.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Candice.
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Don’t fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted: Do you see me fucking with you? I’m completely serious.

John Bennett: All right, speed round. I’m going to rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fucking buzz it, okay?
Ted: You do it. I will tell you.
John Bennett: You got me?
Ted: Yeah.
John Bennett: Alright. Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tami, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fucking Becky?
[Ted keeps shaking his head]
Ted: Nope.
John Bennett: Wait. Was it any one of those names with a ‘Lynn’ after it?
Ted: Yes!
John Bennett: Ooh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you. Okay. Brandy-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing-Ly…
Ted: Tami-Lynn.
[exasperated, John shouts]
John Bennett: Fuck!

[after getting caught by his boss having sex with Tami-Lynn in the store room]
Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
Ted: I fucked her with parsnip last week, and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you.
Ted: You got to lot of problems, don’t you?

[after work, Ted walks out to the parking lot by himself when he feels like someone is watching him]
Donny: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Aah!
[Ted turns to see that it’s Donny, standing in the dark, looking very creepy]
Ted: Oh, hey. Hey there, fella. How are you?
Donny: Are you out here all alone?
Ted: Uh, no, no. No, I’m not. Uh, you know, you’re never alone when you’re with Christ. So, no, I’m not alone.
Donny: Yeah. Yeah, me too. You know, Robert and I could give you a very very good home.
Ted: Yeah, you know, I’m pretty happy where I am. I just got a shitty new apartment, and I…
Donny: I could offer you six thousand dollars in railroad bonds.
Ted: Uh, well, you know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War, that actually sounds very appealing. Oh, wait! No, I’m sorry, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, and, uh, I don’t give a shit.

[Tammi-Lynn walks out and interrupts Ted and Donny in the parking lot]
Tami-Lynn: Teddy, come on! We’re going to be late for dinner with your friends!
Ted: Okay, I’ll be there in a second, baby.
[turning to Donny]
Ted: As you can see, my dance card is quite full, so…
Donny: Yeah. Okay.
Ted: I’m going to have to decline.
Donny: Could I just get a hug?
Ted: Oh, uh, no.
Donny: Yeah.
Ted: No. No. No. And it kills me to have to tell you no, because I’m a people pleaser.
Donny: Yeah.
Ted: But, uh, you know, thank you for creeping up my night. And Jesus be with you.
Donny: Okay.
Ted: In Christ.

[as Ted and Tami-Lynn walk away from Donny]
Tami-Lynn: Who was that guy?
Ted: Oh, that was, uh, Sinead O’Connor. She don’t look so good no more.

[as Ted, Tami-Lynn join John and Lori for a dinner date]
Ted: How great is this, huh? The four of us out to dinner. How long have we been saying we’re going to…Lori, how…how are you doing? I haven’t talked to you in forever.
Lori Collins: I’m good. I’m good. Um, the company’s having their twentieth anniversary party next week, so, that’s something.
Ted: Mm.
John Bennett: Lori is a Senior VP at a huge PR firm.
Lori Collins: It’s not that big of a deal.
Ted: The company’s turning twenty, yeah, so you can bang it, but you can’t get it drunk.
[Tami-Lynn laughs loudly]
Ted: Yeah, she gets it. She get…she enjoyed my humor.

See more Ted Quotes

Lori Collins: Yeah, I mean, Rex is having a house party. But I’m surprised John didn’t tell you, considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.
Ted: Well, you know, it’s funny because whenever Johnny and I hang out, uh, the first item on our agenda is, uh, what’s going on with Lori. So, you know, it’s funny that, that didn’t come up. That must have slipped through the crack.
John Bennett: Yeah, we do, we talk about you all the time.
Ted: Yeah, you remember the other day, I was saying how great Lori’s hair always looks. I mean, oh, my God! It always looks so great. I just always want to fucking brush it! You know, I, that’s right, Johnny? I say that.
[John nods his head in agreement]

Lori Collins: So, Tami-Lynn, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself. Like, where are you from? I’m always fascinated to meet Ted’s girlfriends.
Tami-Lynn: What do you mean girlfriends? Was there like a lot of them or something?
Ted: No! No! That’s not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? Lori, you didn’t mean that?
Lori Collins: No. No, no. What I meant to say was, Ted’s very handsome, so I’m always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?
Lori Collins: What?
Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
Ted: Woh! Woh! Woh!
John Bennett: Hey! What the hell happened? We’re having a friendly meal here. This was a nice evening.
Ted: Yeah! This was a nice evening.

[to Lori]
Tami-Lynn: Don’t talk shit to me.
Lori Collins: I just asked you a question!
Tami-Lynn: You know, you’re a freaking snob! You think you’re all cool because you work at some fucking fancy shit place. Whatever!
Ted: Okay, take it easy. Nice, Lori. Real, nice.
Lori Collins: Me? It’s not my fault she can’t speak English!
Tami-Lynn: Oh, fuck you! Just because you’re in the business world and shit, you think, what? Everybody should suck you asshole or something?
Ted: Okay, alright. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let’s get out of here. We’ll go back to my place for a couple of vodka strawberry quicks.

[Ted takes Tami-Lynn’s hand and leads her away from the table]
Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I could kick your fucking ass! And you better never show your face around Queens, you hear me?
Ted: Okay! Okay. Come on. Come on.
[as they walk out of the restaurant]
Ted: I didn’t know you had a baby. Is it alive?

[after Ted and Tami-Lynn leave the restaurant]
Lori Collins: What a cunt!
John Bennett: Ow! I hate that word!
Lori Collins: What?
John Bennett: That word! It’s so shop, it’s like an electrical sword, slashing everything in its path! Why would you say that?
Lori Collins: You didn’t exactly stand up for me!
John Bennett: I’m trying to walk a line here. I want to be fair to you and to him, you know?
Lori Collins: Well, I think you’re being a little more fair to him.
John Bennett: Oh, come on!
Lori Collins: You know, your boss called this morning, asking me how my arm was.
John Bennett: Huh?
Lori Collins: Yeah, because of the dog fight that I tried to break up?
John Bennett: Oh, right.
Lori Collins: If I had to make a guess, I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to Ted’s. Now, am I right?
John Bennett: I made you out to be a hero.

Lori Collins: You know what? We asked Ted to move out so that we can give ourselves a chance without him. You’re not giving anything a chance if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear!
John Bennett: You’re right. I’ve been getting stoned too much. I know that. I’ve been bumming around Ted’s too much, I know that too. You give me one more chance, I promise, I can fix it.
Lori Collins: John, I need a man. Not a little boy with a teddy bear.
John Bennett: I know. Done. Man, right here in front of you. Alright? Look at these pecks. These are man pecks. Look at the hair on my upper lip. That’s man hair. I just farted. That was a man fart.
[Lori laughs]
Lori Collins: Fine. Fine, John. But this is, I swear to God, your last chance.
John Bennett: Trust me, I love you.
Lori Collins: Alright, I love you too.
[John kisses her on the cheek]
John Bennett: I love you so much. You won’t be sorry, I swear.

Lori Collins: Did you really just fart?
John Bennett: Yeah! But I pushed it that way with my hand.
Lori Collins: I wonder who’s it’s going to hit first.
[they look over at a table near them with three business men talking, suddenly one of them starts gagging as the smell of the fart hits them and he shouts out]
Guy at Table #1: Who did this to us?
Guy at Table #2: God dammit! I’m here on business!

[at the party at Rex’s house, Rex shows John he’s collections]
Rex: Check this out. That’s Lance Armstrong’s nut. I had it freeze dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when my life’s getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here and look at it. It reminds me that things aren’t so bad.
John Bennett: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: Sometimes you don’t.

John Bennett: You know, Lori would hate me for saying this. But, you know, she told me how you are with her at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just want to say, I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Rex: Wow. Let me, uh, get to clear the air here a little. I mean, yeah, I’m kind of a fun time boss and what not. But look, man, I do that with everybody at the office. I’m a kook! I have no designs on your girlfriend. We work together, but that’s it, and I think you’re a great guy. She’s a very lucky girl.
John Bennett: Well, that’s good to hear.
Rex: Yeah.

[after finishing his conversation with Rex about Lori, John gets a call from Ted]
Ted: Johnny, where are you? You got to get over here, man.
John Bennett: Why? What’s going on?
Ted: Okay, so I’m having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!
John Bennett: What?
Ted: Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon is here!
John Bennett: Holy Shit! What?
Ted: You remember I said my buddy’s cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy is in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here! And, John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John Bennett: Just like in the movie.
Ted: Yes! Get over here, right now.
John Bennett: Fuck! I can’t! I’m with Lori here, I’m already on probation. I just, I can’t.
Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John Bennett: I’m coming!

[after Ted’s call about Flash Gordon being in his apartment]
John Bennett: Rex, I got to go. Look, I’ll be back in like thirty minutes tops, okay? Lori cannot find out, she absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I’m cool with all that other shit.
Rex: I got your back on this. She won’t know, I’ve been there.
John Bennett: Alright, this is one man to another. I don’t really know you, but I’m trusting you as man, this is serious.
Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John Bennett: Thank you. I’ll be back!
[John turns and make a run for it; to himself as John leaves]
Rex: I’m going to have sex with your girlfriend.

[John arrives at Ted’s party, looking for Sam Jones]
Ted: Oh, Johnny! Thank Christ, you made it!
John Bennett: Dude, I got ten minutes. Where’s Flash Gordon?
Ted: Okay, get ready.
[Ted turns and calls out to Sam Jones]
Ted: Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was telling you about.
[as John sees Sam Jones we hear the theme tune to Flash Gordon as John fantasizes being in the movie Flash Gordon with Sam Jones as Flash Gordon]

Sam Jones: How you doing? Good to meet you.
John Bennett: I thank you for saving every one of us.
Sam Jones: Ooh, You’re welcome.
Ted: He acknowledged it!
Sam Jones: Let’s do some shots!
John Bennett: With you?
Ted: Oh, my God!
John Bennett: Yes! Oh, my God! Yes!
Ted: Totally, yes.
Sam Jones: Let’s go!

[as Jones gives them their shots and holds up his glass]
Sam Jones: Death to Ming!
John Bennett: Yes!
[they down their shots]
Sam Jones: You know, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?
Sam Jones: Come on, dudes! Don’t tell me you never done it before!
John Bennett: Well, not recently, no.
Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam Jones: You better follow me. Come on.
Ted: Johnny, I’m frightened.
[they follow Jones to the bathroom, where they take cocaine]

[as they come out of the bathroom after taking cocaine]
Sam Jones: We are going to party like the eighties.
Ted: Show us how, Flash.
Sam Jones: It’s easy. We just got to nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: Johnny, I got so much energy. We better start doing stupid shit.
[we then see Ted singing a karaoke]

[as both are high on cocaine]
Ted: Oh, look, Johnny. If we ever going to get serious about opening up restaurant, we got to start planning it now.
John Bennett: Italian.
Ted: Italian, yes!
John Bennett: What’s the special on Tuesday?
Ted: Eggplant pot.
John Bennett: Chop salad.
Ted: Half price! And it’s a non-restrictive place.
John Bennett: Yeah. Wait! What do you mean?
Ted: Anybody can come.
John Bennett: Of course!
Ted: Jews are welcome.
John Bennett: Well, yeah! I mean, why wouldn’t they be?
Ted: Exactly! That’s what I’m saying.
John Bennett: Yeah, but why are you even bringing it up?
Ted: You don’t bring it up, you just let them in.
John Bennett: So why mention it?
Ted: No one will.
John Bennett: But why are we talking about it?
Ted: You’re talking about it, I’m saying, let them in.
John Bennett: Yeah, let them in.
Ted: Exactly!
John Bennett: Right!
Ted: Do it!
John Bennett: Okay!
Ted: No Mexicans though.

Ted: Trust me, I can do this.
Guy #1: Shut up!
Guy #2: Try it, man.
Guy #1: Alright, okay.
[the guy spread his hand out on the table, Ted takes a knife and starts slowly doing the ‘knife between fingers’ trick, as Ted speeds up he suddenly stabs the guy in the middle of his hand, the guy screams in pain]
Ted: What?
Guy #1: You son of a bitch!
Ted: Well, you never should have trusted me. I’m on drugs.

[at his party, still high on cocaine]
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

[as he draws Garfield’s face around a naked girl’s tits]
Ted: See, there! Proof! Garfield’s eyes looks like a pair of tits.
Tami-Lynn: You were right!

[to Sam Jones]
Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John Bennett: Are you going to do it?
Sam Jones: I’m going to punch through it.
Ted: Go on, Sam! Do it!
John Bennett: Do it! Come on!
[Jones punches through the wall]
Ted: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He did it!

[after Jones punches through the wall into Ted’s Chinese neighbor’s apartment]
Asian Man ‘Ming’: You break my wall! This my home long time! You break my wall, you bastard men!
John Bennett: We’re sorry! It was an accident, okay?
Asian Man ‘Ming’: I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere!
John Bennett: Okay, look. Can we just talk about this? What’s your name? I’m John.
Asian Man ‘Ming’: My name Wang Ming!
Sam Jones: Ming?
[Jones starts seeing him dressed as Ming from Flash Gordon]
Asian Man ‘Ming’: You break down wall! This bullshit! This all bullshit!
Sam Jones: Death to Ming!
[suddenly Jones attacks Ming and start beating him up]

[John spots Guy at Ted’s party holding Ryan Reynold’s hand]
John Bennett: Hey, Guy.
Guy: What’s going on? This is, uh, Jared. He’s the guy who beat me up, and, uh, we’re in love.
John Bennett: Huh?
Guy: Turns out I’m, uh, gay, or whatever. I had no idea. Hey, Jared, let’s go grab a mellow ice.
[they walk off with John looking at them open mouthed]

[as John starts to looking worse for wear]
Sam Jones: How we doing, ace? Coming down?
John Bennett: Yeah, I don’t feel so good.
Sam Jones: Oh, give it a couple of hours. You’ll be golden, pony boy. You want a Zanex?
[John notices the time and how late it is]
John Bennett: Oh, shit! Oh, my God!
Sam Jones: What?
John Bennett: I got to, I got to go.
[as John is about to leave Ted’s party, Lori shows up]
John Bennett: Lori, I…
[Lori upset at seeing him there, turns and leaves and John goes after her]

John Bennett: Lori! Lori, wait! Please! Look, I’m sorry! I messed up!
Lori Collins: John, I need you out of the apartment tonight.
John Bennett: Can I…
Lori Collins: Give me the car keys!
John Bennett: Can I please just explain?
Lori Collins: No!
John Bennett: Look…
Lori Collins: John, I’ve given up a huge chunk of my life for you!
John Bennett: I was going to stop in, for like, five minutes, and then Flash Gordon…
Lori Collins: Just give me the car keys!
[John reluctantly gives her the keys]
John Bennett: Lori. Lori, please! I love you!
[Lori takes the keys and drives off]

[after Lori drives off, Ted walks out of his building]
Ted: Hey, Johnny, there you are. I got to get some air, that guy from your office is in there on the couch making out with that Van Wilder looking guy.
John Bennett: Fuck you, I don’t even want to talk to you.
Ted: What?
John Bennett: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
Ted: Oh, come on. She’ll go home, she’ll watch Bridget Jones or something else. She’ll have a good cry, she’ll be fine, you’ll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John Bennett: Are you even listening to me? Do you give any shred of a shit?
Ted: Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder buddies for life, remember?
John Bennett: Jesus! You know, Lori was right! I should have stopped hanging’ out with you a long time ago. I’m never going to have a life with you around! I’m thirty five years old and I’m going nowhere! All I do is smoke pot, watch movies with a teddy fucking bear! Because of that I just lost the love of my life!
Ted: Johnny, I’m sorry. I…
John Bennett: I got to be on my own, Ted. I can’t see you anymore.
[John walks off]
Ted: John, wait! Listen!
[as he watches John walk off Ted presses his voice automated ‘I love you’ button]

[at work, Lori is in Rex’s office]
Rex: So word of the grapevine is that you are newly solo.
Lori Collins: Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.
Rex: I have tickets to Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight and I would love it if you’d go with me.
Lori Collins: You’re asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?
Rex: Look, I’m going to cut the shit here.
Lori Collins: Please.
Rex: This is the first time that you’ve been single in all the years you’ve worked here. Just go out with me one time, and if you’re miserable and you hate it, then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again. Please.
Lori Collins: Rex, I don’t think it’s smart.
Rex: I’m an asshole, I know that. It worked for me in high school and it’s been a reflex ever since. Lori, the worst that can happen is that you could go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch, and it’s about time somebody treated you that way.
Lori Collins: Fuck it. Fine. Fine. Sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night, and it that means getting you off my back, well that’s just a bonus.
Rex: I’ll pick you up at eight.

[Ted turns up at the cheap motel that John’s staying in]
Ted: Look, Johnny, I know you’re pissed, alright. But just listen to me for five seconds. I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
John Bennett: What?
Ted: I’m serious, John. I went over to talk to her, and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up! They were going to the Hatch Shell.
John Bennett: You’re fucking unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think that by making shit like that up, you’re going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you’re out of you fucking mind!
Ted: Johnny, it’s the truth! I’m telling you.
John Bennett: You know what? Get out of here.
Ted: You know what? You’re acting like a cock, you know that?
John Bennett: What? I’ve been acting like a cock?
Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your meathole for a second and listen to me!
John Bennett: Huh?
Ted: Meathole, no, that’s not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, it can’t be that either, right? Because how can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meats?
[Ted chuckles a little]
Ted: That’s, it’s Pink Floyd.

Ted: Look, the point is, you’re blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you, you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John Bennett: Oh, and you can?
Ted: I don’t have to! I’m a fucking teddy bear! You know something, I didn’t tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you’re supposedly my best friend.
John Bennett: You can’t stand there and tell me you haven’t always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship. I mean, it works out so much better for you, when you and I get fucked up on the couch at 9 a.m., isn’t it?
Ted: Listen to yourself? What am I? Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That’s your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you’re just making yourself look like a pussy.
John Bennett: You know, sometimes I think back to the Christmas morning when I was eight years old. I wish I’d just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!
Ted: Say that one more time.
[John shouts]
John Bennett: Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!
[Ted, looking furious suddenly runs towards John, jumps onto him and starts punching him, they fight, trashing the motel room]

[after fighting with Ted, John lies on the floor moaning and crying as Ted has thrown the TV on his groin]
Ted: Why are you crying?
John Bennett: My dick is squished!
[John pushes the TV off his groin and drags himself towards his bed and sits up]
Ted: I’m so sorry, Johnny!
John Bennett: So am I, man.
Ted: I love you!
John Bennett: I love you too!
[Ted wipes a tear from his eye]

Ted: Listen, you got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
John Bennett: There’s no putting things right, she fucking hates me!
Ted: No, John, we can, we can get her back. Look, I, you remember when you were ten and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun, and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both started crying? You remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life? John, we could do that again.
John Bennett: Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR, it died!
Ted: Come on! We’re going to the Hatch Shell.

[back stage at Norah Jones’s concert]
Ted: Hey, play Chopsticks, you jazzy slut!
Norah Jones: Teddy!
Ted: Ha-ha-ha! How are you?
[Norah hugs Ted]
Norah Jones: How are you doing, you fuzzy little asshole?
Ted: Well, you know, I’m not a hot half Muslim chick who sold thirty seven million records, but I’m hanging in there.
Norah Jones: Well, half Indian, but thanks.
Ted: Yeah, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey, listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine. Alright, John Bennett. Norah Jones.
John Bennett: Hi! Hi! How are you doing?
[John nervously shakes Norah’s hand]
Norah Jones: Hey! Hey there, sweaty!
[she wipes her hand]
Norah Jones: You ready to bring down the house?
John Bennett: Yes, ma’am! Yeah! Thank you for the opportunity, miss, ma’am Jones. I, thank you.

Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic!
Norah Jones: Well, you’re probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted: No, right?
[to John]
Ted: Me and Norah met in 2002 at party at Belinda Carlisle’s house, and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room
Norah Jones: Actually, you weren’t so bad with a guy with no penis.
Ted: Yeah, you know, I’ve written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

[to the crowd]
Norah Jones: So, I’m going to give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He’s going to sing a song to his special lady in the audience, who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand to John Bennett!
[the audience claps as John walks on stage, both Lori and Rex are in shock as they watch]
Lori Collins: Oh, my God!
Rex: Holy shit!
[John walks towards the microphone and Ted watches Norah at the side of the stage]
Ted: I got to fuck her again.

[after walking onto the stage]
John Bennett: Um, Hi. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, because I love you. This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life, the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
[Norah starts playing the saxophone and piano and John starts singing]
John Bennett: All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two. Had no intention to do the things we’ve done.
[to himself as he watches John sing really badly]
Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.

John Bennett: Funny how it always goes with love, when you don’t look, you find. But then we’re two of a kind, we move as one. We’re an all-time high.
[suddenly John starts to sing in high pitch voice and the crowd starts booing, Rex makes fun as he and Lori watch in the crowd]
John Bennett: We’ll change all that’s gone before. Doing so much more than falling in love.
[suddenly a man in the crowd shouts to John]
Man at Concert: You’re an asshole!
[he runs towards John on the stage and John knocks him out with his microphone stand and John gets escorted off the stage by security]

[after the concert as they walk in the parking lot]
Rex: That was insane! Did you see the way the guy’s body hit the ground? It was like a rag doll!
Lori Collins: Yeah, I’d rather just not talk about it.
Rex: You want to get a drink after this? I feel like I could use one just seeing a guy almost die.
Lori Collins: Nope. I think I’d rather just have you take me home.
Rex: One drink? Come on.
Lori Collins: No. Not really feeling up to it.
Rex: Alright. Alright. I get it. And you know, I don’t, I don’t blame you. I mean, when you think about it, it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that.
Lori Collins: Just to be clear, I’m not embarrassed. John and I may have a problems, but at least he tried. You know what? I don’t feel like talking to you about this.
[Lori turns and walk off]
Rex: Where are you going?
Lori Collins: Taking a cab! I’m going home!
[as Lori walks off, Rex farts and whispers to himself]
Rex: Finally!

[Ted visits Lori’s apartment and rings her doorbell, she answers the door only wearing a towel]
Ted: Down here. Not looking up your towel, swear to God. Not looking up you towel, not looking at your funny business.
Lori Collins: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: I need to talk to you.
Lori Collins: Listen, if you’re here to fight John’s battles for him, it’s not…
Ted: Look, let me talk first, alright? And then you can say whatever you want.

Ted: Look, John loves you very much. More than anything in the world. And he’s falling to fucking pieces without you. You know, I, he knows he screwed up huge, but you got to believe me, it wasn’t all his fault. Alright? I told him to bail on you, that night at Rex’s, and he said no! He said no! He was going to stay there with you and I twisted his arm, Lori. So, if you just give him one more chance, I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He’ll be all yours.
Lori Collins: Ted, that’s a really nice offer, but I don’t want you to do that. This is between John and me, and I don’t think that can be fixed.
Ted: Yeah, because of me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man, alright? But as long as he’s got his teddy bear, he’s always going to be a boy. He’s waiting down at Charlie’s right now, so if you go down there and just talk to him, I’ll be gone when you get back. Forever. And you’ll see, he’ll never be scared of thunder again.

[after Lori leaves the apartment to go see John, Ted goes to get a beer from the fridge and reads the beer label]
Ted: Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit. My God! America is imploding.
[as he goes to leave the apartment he sees Donny and Robert at the door]
Donny: Hi, Ted.
Ted: Fuck!
[Donny stuffs Ted in a pillow case and kidnaps him]

[after leaving Ted, Lori finds John at the diner]
John Bennett: Lori, what are you doing here?
Lori Collins: You can thank Ted. Should, uh, should I sit?
John Bennett: Yeah. I mean, if you want.
Lori Collins: Okay.
John Bennett: So, work’s good? Everything good there?
Lori Collins: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Work’s good.
John Bennett: Well, I guess we can’t make small talk all day, huh? If it’s okay with you, I just, I’m going to say what I want to say. Look, I could sit here and tell you I’m sorry, it was a huge misunderstanding and I’m ready to change, but I don’t think you want to hear any of that crap. I’m not going to try to get you to take me back. I mean, why would you? I’ve been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years, I don’t deserve you. Look, I know I didn’t take our relationship seriously. But Lori, I do love you more than life itself. All I want is, I just want to end on good terms, and I owe that to you. And I want you to be happy, you deserve that. And I just hope, you know, that maybe we can still be friends.
Lori Collins: Thank you for being so honest.
John Bennett: Well, that’s pretty much it.
[he leaves cash on the counter and gets up to leave]
John Bennett: Thanks for coming by.
[he walks out of the diner]

[inside Donny’s Ted is shocked to find a wall devoted entirely to him with magazine covers, paparazzi photos and polaroids]
Ted: Woh!
Donny: Yeah. As you can see, you’ve been a part of our family for quite some time. Welcome home.
Ted: Yeah. I, uh, it’s kind of funny actually. I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
Robert: Is he all mine, daddy?
Donny: Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.
[turning to Ted]
Donny: Ted, you’ve arrived at a lucky time. It’s almost Robert’s play hour.
Ted: Yeah, I’m guessing you guys don’t have a PS3, I’m guessing you’re more of a wooden horse with a wig kind of family.
Donny: Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

[they enter Robert’s room and Ted sees a wooden horse with a wig on it in the corner of the room]
Ted: Yeah, see, there’s that guy.
Donny: Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now. Okay? You do as he says.
Ted: You think you’re just going to get away with kidnapping? That’s a nice fucking example you’re setting…
[suddenly Donny shouts]
Donny: Language!
[Robert looks at his father in fear]
Donny: Sorry! Sorry! You know, Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television and I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too, and he said no.
Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story.
Donny: And I was so heart broken, and I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever, say no to him. Ever.
Ted: Yeah, maybe a no to a Sneakers bar every once in a while wouldn’t hurt.
Robert: Me and Ted are best friends, daddy.
Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk.
[Donny goes to leave the room]
Donny: Happy play time.

[after Donny leaves Ted in Robert’s room]
Ted: Jesus fucking Christ!
Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.
Ted: Yeah, that’s a great story, I felt like I was there.
Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch!
[suddenly Robert grabs one of Ted’s ears and rips it off and throws it across the room]

Ted: Alright! Alright, kid! You win! We’ll do it your way! What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It’s play time, right? We’ll play a game.
Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.
Ted: Good! Good! Uh, alright, let’s see. How about we, how about we play a little game of hide and seek?
Robert: I love hide and seek. I’ll hide.
Ted: Well, now, hang on a sec there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat Fuck?
Robert: Okay. You hide first.
Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred and then you try to find me, okay?
Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted: No, you, that’s a weird fucking question! No! Just start counting.
[Robert turns and starts counting]
Ted: Okay, no peeking now or you’ll get kid cancer.
[Ted sneaks out of Robert’s room taking his severed ear, he goes downstairs where he sees Donny dancing to an 80s music video, he finds a stapler and reattaches his ear and then he finds a phone]

[Lori drives up to John who is walking alone on the sidewalk]
Lori Collins: Walking home alone, huh?
John Bennett: Yeah.
Lori Collins: Do you need a lift?
John Bennett: Oh, I’m okay. I mean, if I get raped it’ll be my fault for what I’m wearing.
Lori Collins: Listen, John, there’s something that I need to say to you too.
[John gets into the car, but his phone starts ringing which shows a blocked number, John ignores it]
Lori Collins: Hey.
John Bennett: Hey.
Lori Collins: John, I hope that, listen, I don’t want you to think that…
[John’s phone starts ringing again and he ignores it again]
John Bennett: Sorry.
Lori Collins: I want to us to keep talking, because I think that maybe…
[John’s phone rings again]
Lori Collins: Go ahead.

[John answers the phone]
John Bennett: Look, whoever this, this is not a good time.
Ted: John, it’s me! Can you hear me?
John Bennett: Ted? Listen, I got to call you back.
Ted: No, don’t! John, don’t hang up! I’m in trouble
John Bennett: What do you mean? What kind of trouble?
Ted: They got me! That freaky guy from the park and that kid, who I think is his son, but may also be his lover. I don’t know!
John Bennett: Woh! Woh! Woh! Slow down! Where are you?
Ted: Uh, I’m not sure. It’s, uh…
[suddenly the phone line is cut]
Ted: Hello! Hello! John? Hello!
[we see Donny standing behind Ted]
Donny: You’re not a very polite guest, are you?
Ted: Shit!

Lori Collins: What’s the matter? Is he okay?
John Bennett: I don’t know!
Lori Collins: Well, where is he?
John Bennett: I don’t know. He just said he was in trouble.
Lori Collins: Can you call him back?
John Bennett: No, it’s blocked. Wait a second.
[he finds Donny’s card in his pocket and they set off to find Donny’s place]

[as Donny and Robert are getting away with Ted in the back of the station wagon John and Lori find them, they chase after them and Ted breaks out of Donny’s back window and manages to leap onto Lori’s hood, but is then thrown back into Donny’s car, the pair of cars collide just outside of a park and come to a stop, Donny and Robert chase after Ted as he takes off, as Lori and John look for them Robert notices them and shouts]
Robert: No! You can’t have my teddy bear!
[as Robert runs towards them, John suddenly punches him in the face and knocks him out]
Lori Collins: Holy shit!
John Bennett: Sorry. Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid. Come on!
[they start running to look for Ted]

[as Ted attempts to escape Donny by climbing one of Fenway’s towering lights]
Donny: You’re mine, Ted!
Ted: Screw you, pal! I belong to John Bennett.
Donny: But I can give you love, and rocking horses, and dancing!
Ted: I think we’re very far apart on this.
[Donny manages to grab hold of Ted’s lower body and accidentally widens the tear at his midsection, as Ted keeps climbing John shouts out to him and in that moment Donny grabs hold of Ted again and he is suddenly torn in half, and falls to the ground]

[as John and Lori find Ted lying on the ground with his body torn in half]
John Bennett: You’re going to be okay, buddy. Can you understand? You’re going to be fine.
[Ted looks down at his half torn body]
Ted: Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.
John Bennett: No! No! Look at me, buddy. I promise, you’re going to be okay!
Ted: I don’t think so. I’m, uh, I’m in trouble. Ineed to tell you something.
John Bennett: What is it?
Ted: Don’t ever lose her again. She’s the most important…
[Ted coughs]
Ted: …most important part of your life. Even more than me. She’s your thunder buddy. She’s…
[suddenly Ted’s magic disappears and he looks like he’s died]

[John and Lori rush back to the apartment and hastily try to sew Ted back together]
Lori Collins: Baby, I don’t know if this is going to work.
John Bennett: Please, just try!
[as Lori keeps on sewing Ted together]
John Bennett: Come on, buddy!
[Lori finishes sewing, John tries to wake Ted but he still appears dead, John shrouds Ted’s body and stares at it]
Lori Collins: I’m so sorry. You did everything you could. I’m so sorry.
[that night as John sleeps, Lori, unable to sleep, looks out her bedroom window and sees a shooting star and makes the same wish that John had made years earlier]

[following morning John lifts the blanket covering Ted, but Ted is still appears dead, as John looks down upset, Ted’s eyes blink open and he looks around and stands up]
John Bennett: Ted!
Ted: I’m alive, Johnny!
[Ted speech appears to be muffled and his face seems partially paralyzed]
John Bennett: Oh, my God!
Ted: I’m alive! You’re magic must have worked!
John Bennett: You’re back! I…
Ted: Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you put too many stuffing in the wrong places, so I’m a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
[John looks at Ted in shock then suddenly Ted goes back to talking normal]
Ted: Nah! I’m just kidding you! I thought it’d be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
John Bennett: You asshole!
Ted: Come here, you bastard!
[they hug each other]

[as John and Ted are hugging]
Lori Collins: Welcome bad, Ted.
[John and Ted turn to look at Lori]
John Bennett: It was you. You did it!
Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!
Lori Collins: No. No. No. I wished for my life back.
[John walks over to Lori and kisses her]
Lori Collins: I love you.
John Bennett: I love you too. And I want you to know that after last night, I don’t ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again. I’m not going to wait any longer for my life to start. Lori, will you marry me?
Lori Collins: All I ever wanted was you, Jonathan Bennett.
[they kiss as Ted watches them with happiness]
Narrator: [voice over] And so, John, Lori and Ted lived happily ever after. Having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other.

[we see John and Lori have their wedding at a cathedral getting married by Sam Jones]
Narrator: [voice over] John and Lori were married in Cambridge by a very special Justice of the Peace.
Sam Jones: By the power invested in me, by the New York Jets, and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo, I now pronounce you, man and wife. You may kiss the bride, Johnny.
[as John and Lori kiss the wedding crowd claps and cheers, John turns and sees his boss standing next to Tom Skerritt]
Thomas: Thanks so much for coming.
Tom Skerritt: My daughter better be alive, you sick on of a bitch.

[as they watch John and Lori leave the church]
Ted: Ah, you know, Sam, there’s only one way to end a perfect day.
Sam Jones: What’s that?
Ted: Flash jump.
Sam Jones: Right!
Sam Jones, Ted: One, two, three! Yah!
[they both jump]

[last lines]
Narrator: [voice over] And that’s the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.
[we see montage of the main characters in the movie]
Narrator: [voice over] Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn’s bare bottom, he was instantly promoted to store manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career, he currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that God awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori, not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight and went on to become Taylor Lautner.

Total Quotes: 110

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