Starring: Micah Abbey, Shamon Brown Jr., Nicolas Cantu, Brady Noon, Hannibal Buress, Rose Byrne, John Cena, Jackie Chan, Ice Cube, Natasia Demetriou, Ayo Edebiri, Giancarlo Esposito, Post Malone, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Animated action adventure directed by Jeff Rowe and co-directed by Kyler Spears. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023) centers on the Turtle brothers, who after years of being sheltered from the human world, set out to win the hearts of New Yorkers and be accepted as normal teenagers through heroic acts. Their new friend April O’Neil helps them take on a mysterious crime syndicate, but they soon get in over their heads when an army of mutants is unleashed upon them.
Where to Watch:
Cynthia Utrom: Baxter Stockman’s creations must live on! And with it, a new form of life itself.
Leonardo: Master Splinter has given us a very important mission for tonight. The target is across the street. We must use stealth and cunning to infiltrate human world and retrieve Go-GURT.
Michelangelo: Okay, Batman.
Leonardo: Dude, what? I’m just trying to hype you guys up, okay?
Raphael: Give me that list. Okay, what else are we getting? Four quarts of nonfat milk, ice cream, fruits and veggies, and a party size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Michelangelo: I like cheese puffs.
Donatello: He was very specific about the party size. He underlined it twice.
Leonardo: And remember, don’t let any humans see you. Because why?
All: “Humans are the demon scum of the Earth. Avoid them. Don’t say hi. They lust to murder that which is different from them. To interact with them is to die.”
Leonardo: And, hey, I know that’s objectively prejudiced, but that’s what Dad taught us.
Michelangelo: I think humans seem kind of cool, to be honest. Beyoncé.
Donatello: We wouldn’t have K-pop without humans.
Raphael: Drake! That guy’s the GOAT of all time.
Leonardo: I would love to have a champagne brunch with Tom Brady.
Michelangelo: Guy Fieri seems like a fun hang. And I’ve always wanted to go to Flavortown.
Leonardo: Look, we all think humans are cool, but we got a job to do. Let’s go!
Raphael: [imitating] “Let’s go. I’m Leo.”
Donatello: “Ooh, I’m the leader.” You sound like you have bronchitis!
Michelangelo: [as they’re watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off] I wish I had hair like that.
Donatello: I wish I had hair, period.
Michelangelo: We did go bald at a young age.
Raphael: Maybe one day everyone will love us like everyone loves Ferris Bueller.
Leonardo: Yeah. Yeah. You know, maybe one day.
Splinter: You said you would go shopping, then come right back. Where were you?
Leonardo: Look, we’re really sorry, Splinter. Some of the guys wanted to see a movie, and I tried to talk them out of it.
Splinter: What?! You watched a movie with the humans?
Michelangelo: You ratted us out!
Splinter: Hey! Don’t use that word that way.
Leonardo: I mean, it’s 2023, Mikey.
Michelangelo: Sorry, Dad.
Splinter: You don’t remember why human are disgusting monsters? Why they’re dangerous? Why they’re going to milk us for our blood?
All: We don’t even have nipples!
Splinter: You know what? I’m going to tell the story again.
Michelangelo: No! I get a year older every time.
Splinter: Just for that, I tell you the long version.
'They look more like little Shreks to me.' - Goon #1 (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem) Click To Tweet
Splinter: It all started fifteen years ago. I was young rat in my twenties. Look at me! I was so cute. I was on top of the world. No, I was the bottom of the world. It was terrible! Nobody liked me. I had no friends. Raccoons didn’t like me. Dogs don’t like me. You know who hate me the most? Humans! I had one friend. He was a cockroach. We got along very well. His name was Kevin. And then I ate him.
Splinter: One day, everything changed. You was the first things I met that didn’t want to kill me, or eat me. I couldn’t just leave you there. You was covered in this wooze that someone dump in the sewers. Whatever this wooze was, it transformed us. Because I was older, I became older rat man. You guys was babies, so you stayed baby turtle creatures. If you think about that, it couldn’t make more sense. It was weird, but we became a family.
Splinter: We thought we needed the human world, but we only needed each other. That’s why I’m so strict, you know? You boys are all I got. And you’re all I’ll ever have.
Michelangelo: You don’t know that.
Splinter: I do! You know other mutants my age? It’s a really small pool. There’s no app to meet other mutant ladies. Trust me. I check every day.
Michelangelo: Hey, guys? If we weren’t monsters that were shunned by society, and could actually do what we wanted, what would you guys do?
Donatello: I mean, if I’m being honest, I’d just be normal. You know?
Raphael: Yeah, like go to high school.
Leonardo: Maybe get a girlfriend, go to prom.
Donatello: With your rizz, not likely.
Raphael: I just got to get out of this sewer, man. I like you guys and all, but I just simply cannot live a happy life knowing that your faces are the last things I’m going to see before I die.
Leonardo: Well, guess what, guys? It’s never going to happen, so, let’s just stop talking about it, alright?
Raphael: [to Leonardo] Is it weird to have your head so far up Dad’s butt?
Michelangelo: Does it smell weird up there?
Donatello: I bet it smells like cheese and Doritos.
Leonardo: Ha-ha-ha, guys. Very funny!
Donatello: Sorry, we can’t hear you.
Michelangelo: Your voice is too muffled through the cheese.
Raphael: Hey, why not try that Batman voice again.
Michelangelo: [holding a water melon over his head] Why did we pick a fruit shaped exactly like my head?
Donatello: Your head looks like Stewie had a baby with “Hey, Arnold”.
Leonardo: [referring to April] Guys, she got her scooter stolen, and it’s our fault. We have to fix this.
Donatello: Yeah, man, that sucks. But do we have to fix this? I mean, technically, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I mean, it’s not really our fault.
Leonardo: I got to get the scooter back to this beautiful and charming human woman! Alpha formation, go!
Donatello: Woh. I think all of his hormones just kicked in at once.
Goon #1: What the heck are those things?
Goon #2: I think it’s those guys that work in Times Square. You know, the mascots? Yeah, the GEICO geckos.
Goon #1: They look more like little Shreks to me.
Leonardo: This is fine. We’ve prepared our whole lives for this.
Donatello: We’ve never actually been in a fight before. And I don’t know if you noticed, but all I’ve got is a big stick. How did I end up with a big stick?
'Pizza's made of cheese, and cheese is made of milk, and I'm being milked! It's infiltrated my every thought!' - Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem) Click To Tweet
Michelangelo: Maybe we diffuse this sitch with laughter.
Raphael: You’re not funny enough for that, dude.
Raphael: I dream about fighting every night.
Michelangelo: You’ve got a rage problem, Raph.
Raphael: It’s not a problem!
Michelangelo: Maybe they’ll see the humanity in our tragic backstory.
Goon #1: Murder the Shreks!
Donatello: [as they are fighting with the goons] What do we do?
Leonardo: Save the beautiful human woman’s scooter!
Donatello: [referring to the goon] He’s Tokyo drifting around us.
April O’Neil: [to the Turtles] Hello, I’m an unarmed noncombatant here for her scooter. Y’all got your butts whupped. This is really not how I thought this night was going to go.
April O’Neil: I get that you have to huddle, you know what I mean? But the longer you lurk in the shadows, like the more sus it gets every second. You know?
Donatello: She said we’re sus! That’s not good.
April O’Neil: Oh, you’re crime-fighters with like turtle costumes. Yeah, I’m going to be honest. I don’t think all the good animals are taken. Sharks. There’s wolves up for grabs. Wow, the costumes are really crazy. These eyes are wet like real eyeballs. How do you get this on and off? That’s your skin! That’s your skin!
Leonardo: That’s my skin.
April O’Neil: What are you? What could you be?
Michelangelo: Can we explain this over some pizza?
April O’Neil: How you guys feel about pepperoni?
Leonardo: She’s down for pizza?
Michelangelo: I didn’t think it would get this far.
'Even though it looks like we'll never be accepted, I still think we should try to be heroes.' - Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem) Click To Tweet
April O’Neil: Okay, you were real baby turtles who made contact with mystery ooze, and therefore started to age from mutant baby turtles to mutant-turtle-men-guys?
Michelangelo: Turtle boys actually.
Leonardo: I would say teens. You know? I would say cool teens. Yeah, we’re cool.
April O’Neil: Teenagers! Amazing. Insane.
Michelangelo: Sometimes we pretend to be on Wendy Williams.
April O’Neil: Turtle mutant karate teens. I mean, this is a pretty good story.
Donatello: We were taught that humans would try to destroy us if they ever found out we ever existed. You know, kill us, or put us in a lab and milk us.
April O’Neil: I wouldn’t milk you. You don’t even have nipples.
Michelangelo: Look, human woman. I got a question. So just be straight with me. Do you think there are more people like you? You know, people who will accept us?
April O’Neil: No. No. Absolutely not. Genuinely, no. There’s no way.
Leonardo: I knew it! It’s confirmed. We’re doomed.
April O’Neil: [to the Turtles] If I’m being honest, I mean, the reason I’m not scared of you is, you know, you guys helped me out. And if you hadn’t, and I had just like stumbled across you, yeah, I’d be very scared. I’d be really freaked out and disgusted.
Donatello: Our dad is definitely not a giant rat.
April O’Neil: That makes me feel like he’s a rat.
Michelangelo: I want more, guys. I got the taste of life, and I don’t want to wash it out of my mouth. I want it to linger on my tongue, swish around my throat, and…
Donatello: You’re really driving this metaphor into the ground.