Starring: Oscar Isaac, Charlize Theron, Chloë Grace Moretz, Finn Wolfhard, Nick Kroll, Bette Midler, Allison Janney, Elsie Fisher, Aimee Garcia
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Animated comedy directed by Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan, based on The Addams Family comics by Charles Addams. We follow The Addams family, Morticia (Charlize Theron) who is devoted to her husband and children, and holds her clan together. Gomez (Oscar Isaac), who is passionately in love with his wife and is enthusiastic about whatever dreadful scheme he’s cooked up. Wednesday (Chloë Grace Moretz), who is a brilliant teenager with deadpan wit. Pugsley (Finn Wolfhard), a menacing ten year-old on over-drive, getting into any kind of dreadful mischief he can find. Mad Uncle Fester (Nick Kroll), who is good-natured and likes to create mayhem any way he can. And Grandma (Bette Midler), who is smitten with her grandchildren.
Priest: [during Gomez and Morticia’s wedding ceremony] Dearly be-loathed, it is indeed a rare privilege to see our family gathered together for this Addams tradition. To commence this ceremony, and deliver these two into the yawning void of matrimony, we put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up. I now pronounce you…
Villager #1: Monsters!
Villager #2: Freaks!
[an angry mob of villagers start attacking them]
[as they are trying to get away from the angry villagers]
Uncle Fester: I think I can see my house from here. Oh, no. That’s a women’s prison.
Gomez Addams: [kissing what he thinks is Morticia’s hand] My wan temptress, your hand is as cold as a dead fish.
Morticia Addams: My love, that is a dead fish.
Gomez Addams: So it is.
Spirit of the House: [entering their new house, an abandoned asylum on a hill] Get out!
Morticia Addams: It’s hideous.
Gomez Addams: It’s horrible.
Morticia, Gomez: It’s home!
Morticia Addams: [referring to black sky with thunder and lightning] the What a lovely morning!
Spirit of the House: Get out!
Morticia Addams: Oh, you’re always so grumpy before your morning coffee.
Wednesday Addams: How I wish something would liven up this already tedious day.
[the tree branch that Pugsley is hanging upside down on throws him aside]
Wednesday Addams: Thanks for trying, Ichabod.
Morticia Addams: If I’d known you were coming, I would have prepared the dungeon.
Uncle Fester: Please, don’t worry. I’ll sleep in the attic. You won’t even know I’m here. I’ve practiced that move in a lot of people’s homes.
Wednesday Addams: I heard a strange noise in the fog earlier, and I should like to investigate.
Morticia Addams: There’s nothing out there but boring marshland.
Wednesday Addams: There must be something. We never go anywhere. Who knows the untold horrors we’re missing out on.
Morticia Addams: Darling, we have all the horror we need, right here.
Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester can go wherever he likes.
Uncle Fester: Now, now, there are some restrictions. You know, I can’t go to the mall, or a zoo, or a building…
Morticia Addams: When you’re older, you can travel to your heart’s content. But for now, it’s safer for you here.
Wednesday Addams: [sighs] Socrates, come.
Uncle Fester: …South America, Europe, China, Asia. Mmost parts of Africa. I’m allowed in Antarctica!
Margaux Needler: What is it, Parker?
Parker Needler: I found a creepy mansion up on the hill!
Margaux Needler: I’m so glad you’re exploring, Parker, but I don’t have time to talk right now, sweetheart. Mama needs to help people.
Parker Needler: I need help. Aren’t I people?
Margaux Needler: Oh, you’re cute.
Gomez Addams: [to Mortecia, who is tightening his head inside some sort of torture device] Darling, not to criticize, but is that really as tight as you can make it?
Wednesday Addams: Good news, everybody. Pugsley’s gone.
Morticia Addams: Wednesday, I know that tone of voice. Dig up your brother, at once.
Wednesday Addams: You’re weakening the gene pool.
Morticia Addams: [referring to the red balloon] Hold on. What do you have there?
Wednesday Addams: I’m not sure. I like it. It’s so, what’s the word? The opposite of sad?
Morticia Addams: Darling, bring that to me.
[Wednesday walks over with the balloon close to Morticia]
Morticia Addams: Strange. There’s usually a murderous clown attached to the other end of these.
Gomez Addams: [referring to the small piece of pink paper] What, in the name of all that is unholy, is that?
[Gomez takes it and eats it]
Gomez Addams: It tastes like cotton candy.
Morticia Addams: How do you know what cotton candy tastes like?
Gomez Addams: Tish, it was my youth. I made mistakes.
Gomez Addams: [as he’s eating coffee grounds like it’s ice cream] Mm! Morticia, you have to try these coffee grounds. They have a wonderful grit!
Wednesday Addams: [as they arrive in a clean looking suburb] It’s all so different.
Gomez Addams: [enters a coffee shop] Don’t let me interrupt your cup of Joe, or whoever you have in there. So, what’s dark and bitter here, other than yours truly?
Morticia Addams: [as Pugsley is drinking from a dog’s water bowl] Pugsley, don’t drink it all. This gentleman wants some too.
Gomez Addams: [to the nervous looking man] Sir, it’s alright.
[the man screams and runs off in fear]
Gomez Addams: He’s had all his shots!
Morticia Addams: What a nervous man.
Morticia Addams: Gomez, we should return home.
Gomez Addams: Morticia, this is not the old country. True, these people are a little different. But deep down, we’re all the same. We have to give them a chance. Get to know them. We have to win them over.
Wednesday Addams: [after they meet Margaux] That woman seems deranged. Her face reminds me of a death mask.
Uncle Fester: Deranged? Death mask? You tell me she’s got halitosis, and I’m hearing wedding bells!
Pugsley Addams: Pop, has anyone ever failed the Mazurka?
Gomez Addams: Once. Your third cousin, Xander.
Pugsley Addams: Never heard of him.
Gomez Addams: Exactly!
Parker Needler: You don’t have a cellphone? That’s weird.
Wednesday Addams: I may not have a cellphone. Well, you don’t have a crossbow, and I thought everybody had one of those.
Wednesday Addams: So what happens at your school?
Parker Needler: Not much, just friends turning on each other. Girls making other girls feel bad about themselves. Typical junior high stuff.
Wednesday Addams: Intriguing. Can anyone go to your school?
Parker Needler: I guess so. But who’d want to?
Wednesday Addams: I spoke with Parker this afternoon. She’s the daughter of that talking mannequin who came by. She told me about a communal school all the neighborhood children attend. It’s called junior high.
Gomez Addams: Junior high. Yes. Yes, I have read about those in my abnormal psychology journals.
Wednesday Addams: [enters her school on her first day] Ah. Now I understand. This is a children’s prison.
Wednesday Addams: [after meeting the school bully] Bethany, is it? Don’t cut your eyes on my crew unless you’re ready to dance.
Bethany: What did you say, little ghoul?
Wednesday Addams: I don’t think you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you, Bethany. You’re locked up in here with me.
[referring to the frog they have to dissect in their biology class]
Parker Needler: Yuk!
Wednesday Addams: Oh, I’ve done this thousands of times.
Wednesday Addams: [tries to bring their frog back to life using electricity, like Frankenstein] Give my creature life! Live! Live! I tell you, live!
Parker Needler: [as the frog comes back to life] It’s alive! It’s alive!
[the the other frogs in the classroom also come to life, and upon Wednesday’s instruction start wreaking havoc on the students]
Wednesday Addams: Bethany’s changed her look. It suits her.
Parker Needler: Awesome. Totally awesome!
Parker Needler: [after Wednesday’s trick with the zombie frogs] Hey, do you want to go to the mall?
Wednesday Addams: Why not? I haven’t seen a good mauling in ages.
Morticia Addams: It’s late. I’m worried.
Gomez Addams: Darling, Wednesday will be fine. She can take care of herself.
Morticia Addams: It’s not Wednesday I’m worried about. It’s the rest of them. We may need to provide an alibi.
Gomez Addams: My love, it’s game night. Wednesday will be home soon, so why don’t you come and join us?
Morticia Addams: Oh, very well. F-6.
Gomez Addams: Pugsley, you heard your mother. Blow F-6!
Pugsley Addams: Fire in the hole!
Uncle Fester: [playing in the bathtub] I’m king of the world! Near, far, wherever…
[the side of the house explodes and Fester falls through the ceiling in his bathtub]
Pugsley Addams: Yes!
Uncle Fester: You sunk my battleship.
Gomez Addams: Ha-ha! Well done, Pugsley!
Morticia Addams: [to Wednesday] Sleep well, dear. Don’t forget to kick your father good night.
Wednesday Addams: Good luck with your Mazurka.
Pugsley Addams: Wait, you’re leaving? Who’s going to torment me every day?
Wednesday Addams: Living under this roof is all the torment you’ll need. Besides, our parents have made it clear that the only way to be accepted in this family is to be exactly like them. I can’t play by those rules anymore. Farewell, brother Pugsley. Tomorrow, you become a man. And I become a fugitive.
Pugsley Addams: Always kind of knew it’d end up like this. Just didn’t think it’d be so soon.
Wednesday Addams: I’ll never forget you, Pugsley! But I’ll try.
[after Cousin It arrives in a swanky vehicle]
Gomez Addams: It. Cousin, you made it!
Parker Needler: [referring to Margaux] My mom must have built hidden cameras into all of the houses.
Wednesday Addams: She really is psycho.
Parker Needler: [referring to Margaux] My mom has a lair and a jail? I knew I should have picked to live with my dad.
Margaux Needler: [rallies an angry mob] You’ve seen them! You’ve heard the stories on Neighborhood Peeps! Those Addams aren’t people, they’re monsters! And now, there’s an infestation of them! They’re here to destroy our beautiful community and turn it into a place that no Design Intervention can save! We need to destroy them first! Who’s with me?
Wednesday Addams: No one torments my family but me.
Morticia Addams: It’s Margaux. She must have turned the whole town into stark raving lunatics.
Gomez Addams: Well, I have to admit, I admire her work.
Morticia Addams: Is everyone alright? No limbs missing that weren’t missing before you arrived?
Uncle Fester: Excuse me, I just tooted. Furthermore, I think I can help you get rid of those houses.
Margaux Needler: What are you talking about?
Uncle Fester: Well, my dear, you’ve got a bunch of houses you need to get rid of, and I’ve got a bunch of family I need to get rid of.
Margaux Needler: He’s like training a puppy. Adorable, but tiresome.
Uncle Fester: She’s the woman of my dreams! Her breath is like a baby’s diaper.
Margaux Needler: [laughs] Oh, Fester, stop!
Uncle Fester: Who would have thought a guy like me, a total zero, would have ended up with you, an also zero?
Spirit of the House: [after their mansion is rebuilt and the spirit returns] Get out!
Morticia Addams: Oh, how lovely. The spirit’s home.
Gomez Addams: Finally, back to normal.
[they gather for It to take a family photo]
Gomez Addams: We did good.
Morticia Addams: I won’t tell anyone, if you don’t.