Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Zac Efron, Jonah Hill, Isla Fisher, Jimmy Buffett, Snoop Dogg, Martin Lawrence, Stefania LaVie Owen
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy written and directed by Harmony Korine, which follows a rebellious stoner named Moondog (Matthew McConaughey), who lives life by his own rules.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 25)
Moondog: Before I accept whatever award they’re giving me today, I’ll start with a little bit of poetic foreplay. I wrote this in the wilds of Kentucky. I didn’t have peach fuzz over my pecker at the time. I was surrounded by inbreds, rednecks, juveniles, limp dicks. And all that time, I was fourteen, it’s a little poem I wrote, that I was always like to read first, because it takes me back to such a pure place. Okay. Here it goes.
[reads his poetry to the crowd]
Moondog: “One day, I will swallow up the world. And when I do, I hope you all perish violently.”
Lewis: It breaks my heart, Moondog. Breaks my heart, because you a motherfucking has-been, boy.
Moondog: Whatever the fuck that is. Is that a bad thing?
Lewis: Goddamn, it’s a bad thing, Moondog. As your forever agent, I feel obliged to be truthful with you at all times.
Moondog: You’re a shitty agent.
Lewis: It’s sad, Moondog. You used to be a motherfucking ATM for me, boy. You have pissed away your talent on women and booze and total excess.
Moondog: Now you’re talking. Yeah, all those things, that’s what feeds the juices up here my nugget, man, through my loins up the Autobahn, my spirit and mind, man. I’m moist right now, I’m lubricating.
Lewis: You used to be the fastest horse in my stable, boy. You think I want to take a motherfucking shotgun, and put it in your mouth, blow your brains all over my nice, motherfucking clothes?
Moondog: That’s the fucking Lewis I’m talking about.
Lewis: You think I want to do that? You was a revolutionary writer. You were a radical. Your words meant something to people.
Moondog: Either way, it’s a good thing I’m rich, Lewis. Especially since I’m well hung.
Lewis: You ain’t rich, Moondog. Your wife’s rich.
Moondog: That’s true.
Lewis: And it’s been a while since I had you in them, but you ain’t well hung, boy!
[grabs Moondog’s crotch and laughs]
Lewis: You ain’t well hung!
Moondog: Get in there!
Lingerie: Is that the motherfucking Moondog?
Moondog: The one and only paw me. Yeah, Longet.
[referring to her wedding]
Heather: He almost ruined the whole day.
Minnie: Don’t say that. No, it was fun.
Heather: He’s fucked up, mom.
Minnie: It’s just Moondog.
Heather: Don’t make excuses for him.
Minnie: You just kind of have to accept that he’s from another dimension. He really is. And you have to love him for it. I do. You and limp dick are going to have to accept that.
Moondog: Man, I’m high, my nuts are throbbing right now.
Lingerie: First time I hit this shit, I nearly went into a coma. I forgot how to motherfucking breathe.
[referring to Minnie’s will]
Moondog: Come on, what’s nothing mean, huh?
Lawyer: Nothing. That’s what it means. Not a single cent until…
Moondog: Until what?
Lawyer: You got to publish your novel, or you get nothing.
Lawyer: Minnie always had a feeling she was going to die before you. She used to call me up in a panic because someone did her tarot cards. Predicted it all, freaked her, out but she was right, I guess. Her will is very precise.
Moondog: Minnie had a will. Motherfucker, that’s weird.
Lawyer: Yes, she did. She was concerned that if anything ever happened to her, you’d piss away her family’s fortune, and she wanted you to finally publish your novel.
Moondog: I write poetry, you old bitch.
Lawyer: Until then half of everything goes to Heather, and the other half of yours sits frozen in escrow for a bit of time, until you fulfill the requirements stated here.
[to the two cops waiting outside his house]
Moondog: It’s about time you guys got here. I need some help carrying my luggage. Come in and kick off your shoes.
[as he’s being escorted out of his house by the police]
Moondog: Jose, I’m going to take a little leave of absence. But I left you a little bush of the sticky-icky that you like, huh? But I can’t tell you where it is, because these guys might go and try and smoke it, but it’s the same place as last time. Keep the pool hot.
Jose the Pool Boy: I put it at one-twenty for you.
Moondog: That’s what I’m talking about. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine because I may have a gangbang when I get back. I will invite your mother.
Jose the Pool Boy: Thank you, Mr. Moondog.
Moondog: Wish me luck. I’m off to write the next great American novel.
Jose the Pool Boy: Thank you, sir.
Heather: Why did you destroy your own house?
Moondog: Boredom, I guess. I don’t know.
Heather: Dad, what is wrong with you?
Moondog: I’m fine. I’m really better than fine. This is just another little adventure we are on.
Judge: Back again, huh? Your choice, prison or rehab?
Moondog: Is there a third option?
Judge: Nope. Last chance.
Moondog: Rehab, it is. Preferably somewhere tropical.
Judge: I’m remanding you to the custody of your daughter. She will escort you to a rehab facility now.
Judge: You need to spend a mandatory twelve months there, getting your life back together.
Moondog: Twelve days is not a problem.
Judge: Twelve months.
Judge: It all stops now. The foolishness.
Moondog: I understand. I need a change of pace. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Judge: And if you mess this up, it’s jail time.
Moondog: If I may suggest, Your Honor. I was told of this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands. It’s got an open bar and a twenty-four hour Thai massage. An old jerky jerk could take the edge off during the detox period. Drain the old jizz pipe of the antitoxins.
Judge: Excuse me?
Moondog: With all due respect to my own personal, fluid transition into my sobriety, I want to let you know that the therapeutic value of a groin massage during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts fucking medicinal.
Judge: It’s not going to happen! It’s not going to happen. Why you got to be like that?
Judge: You know, I was a real fan of your writing, Moondog.
[to the courtroom crowd, who are laughing]
Judge: Shut up!
Judge: But, you know, it amazes me how someone that can write so beautifully can be so crude and reckless.
Moondog: Don’t you be acting like you never heard the rooster crow.
Judge: Don’t let us down, Moondog. We’re rooting for you. Next. Get him out of there.
[on his way to rehab]
Moondog: Give me a Lucky Lotto, a Triple Seven, and a cigar, would you?
Cash Register Guy: Sure.
Moondog: You don’t sell acid, do you?
Cash Register Guy: No.
Moondog: That’s too bad. This place used to.
Moondog: Do you know what we need?
Flicker: What? What do we need?
Moondog: We need money, man.
Flicker: Fucking money. Goddamn it, you’re a fucking genius. I know where we can get some money.
Flicker: Just follow me, my friend.
[after Moondog playfully picks up one of Wack’s guns and shoots]
Captain Wack: What the fuck?!
Captain Wack: Man, that shit’s loaded.
Moondog: No shit.
Captain Wack: Man, you could’ve killed a dolphin, Moon Dog.
[Moondog laughs, Wack picks up a machine gun]
Captain Wack: You want to shoot something, shoot this thing here. This is what I used in ‘Nam. Shit, man. Now I got to feed my coke addicted parrot.
Moondog: Yeah, yeah. Set him up.
[picks up some cocaine from the counter]
Captain Wack: Give me some of this shit right here.
[he gives his parrot the cocaine]
Moondog: Oh, yeah.
Captain Wack: Yeah, there you go. She’s going to get high as shit.
Moondog: I’m back.
Moondog: Yeah. I’m back!
Lingerie: Where the fuck you been, man? You look like shit.
Moondog: No, no, I look like I always look.
Lingerie: We’re about to set sail. Come fuck with us.
Moondog: Let’s go.
Lingerie: I love it when a plan comes together.
Moondog: Hey, is he a good pilot?
Lingerie: Not at all.
Moondog: Not at all?
Lingerie: No, man. He got glaucoma in both his eyes.
[we see the pilot smocking a giant joint]
Lingerie: But when he’s zooted off of that shit, he gets you where you need to be.
Reporter: You’ve had an interesting life. How did you pull it off? How did you do it?
Moondog: How did I pull it off? How did I do it?
Moondog: I mean, look, I could tell you that I’ve been trying to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it’s all written in the stars. I could tell you that I’m a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspiring to make me happy. All three of which are true, but it’s really a little simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fucking gun, man. That’s why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women, a lot. And I get all these things going, man, and they’re all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs, and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth, and I hit the frequency, and I start to dance to it. And my fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I’m spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out. It is like it’s a fucking gift.
Reporter: What makes you, Moondog, different than all these other people?
Moondog: Seriously? You mean the ones up north on the mainland, the ones racing to the red line? The ones stuck in their ways, a little bit too busy to check in and say, “Howdy-howdy-doo?” That shit’s not for me, man. I mean, fuck, man, so many people trip themselves when they’re running downhill. Life’s hard enough. Why would you fucking want to do that? I mean, it’s like, we’re here to have a good time. I just want to have a good time, until this shit’s over, man. This life gig’s a fucking rodeo, and I’m going to suck the nectar out of it and fuck it raw dog until the wheels come off.
Lewis: I’ve had a lot in my life. But I always had this feeling like when I left, no one going to remember me. But knowing you, being a part of what you did, maybe that means something now. I want to thank you.
[Moondog flips up his shades to look at Lewis, then puts his arm around Lewis’s shoulders]
Lewis: You know what I like the most about being rich? You can just be horrible to people, and they just have to take it.
[Moondog and Lewis laugh]
[to the audience]
Moondog: This next poem is one I wrote at 3:00 a.m. coming down off of a two day acid trip in the Virgin Islands. It’s called The Beautiful Point.
[reads from his book]
Moondog: “I go to bed in Havana thinking about you pissing a few moments ago. I looked down at my penis with affection, knowing it has been inside you, twice today, makes me feel beautiful.
Total Quotes: 25
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