Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Heather Graham, Sasha Barrese, Jeffrey Tambor, Ken Jeong, Rachael Harris, Mike Tyson, Mike Epps, Jernard Burks, Rob Riggle, Cleo King, Bryan Callen, Matt Walsh

OUR RATING: ★★★★☆

Story:

Comedy directed by Todd Phillips, the story follows Doug (Justin Bartha) and his three friends, Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms), and Alan (Zach Galifianakis). Two days before Doug’s wedding, they all decide to drive to Las Vegas for a wild and memorable stag party. However, when the three groomsmen wake up the next morning, they can’t remember a thing, nor can they find Doug. With little time to spare, the three friends try to re-trace their steps and find Doug so they can get him back to Los Angeles in time to walk down the aisle.

 

Best Quotes  (Total Quotes: 132)


 

[first lines; Doug’s telephone answering message]
Doug Billings: Hey, you’ve reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I’ll get back to you.


 

[Stu’s telephone answering message]
Stu Price: Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave a message after…


 

[Phil’s telephone answering message]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor, don’t text me, it’s gay.


 

Linda Garner: Anything?
Tracy Garner: I tried them all. It keeps going straight to voicemail.
Linda Garner: Well, there has to be an explanation.
Sid Garner: Sweetie, it’s Vegas. You lose track of time in those casinos. There’s no windows, there’s no clocks. He’s probably on a heater. And you never walk away from the table when you’re on a heater.
Linda Garner: You do if you’re getting married.


 

[Tracy answers her cell phone]
Tracy Garner: Hello?
Phil Wenneck: Ahem, Tracy, it’s Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I’m freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah listen, uh, we fucked up.
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party, the whole night. It, things got out of control and, uh, we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can’t find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We’re getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. That’s not going to happen.


 

[while getting fitted for a tux]
Alan Garner: [to the tailor] Woh, watch it pervert!
Doug Billings: It’s okay Alan, he’s just measuring your inseam.
Alan Garner: He’s getting close to my shaft.


 

Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I’m a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don’t think that…
Alan Garner: Seriously. I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It’s Sin City. I won’t tell a soul.
[he adjusts jock strap]
Doug Billings: Okay. I got it. Thank you.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
[Alan hugs Doug and Doug pats him on his back]


 

[Sid’s given Doug permission to drive his car to Vegas]
Sid Garner: Oh, and, uh, don’t let Alan drive, because there’s something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don’t like him.
Doug Billings: I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.
Sid Garner: Good.


 

Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
[Doug laughs]
Sid Garner: Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.


 

[while waiting to pick up Phil at the school where he works]
Alan Garner: Do you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what’s wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn’t be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: Or a Chuck E. Cheese.


 

[Phil gets into the back seat of the car]
Phil Wenneck: Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.
Doug Billings: Animal.
Phil Wenneck: Who’s this?
Doug Billings: It’s Alan. Tracy’s brother.
Alan Garner: I met you, like, four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?


 

[whilst packing for the trip]
Melissa: Don’t forget your Rogaine.
Stu Price: Rogaine, check.
Melissa: And don’t forget to use it. I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.
Stu Price: Using of the Rogaine, check.


 

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
[just then Doug pulls up on their driveway and Phil yells]
Phil Wenneck: Paging Doctor Faggot. Doctor Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That’s a good idea, Doctor Faggot.


 

Phil Wenneck: Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody’s passing us.
Doug Billings: Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. Besides, you’re drinking.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, what are you, a cop now? Come on, you know I drive great when I’m drunk.
Stu Price: That’s true. Don’t forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.


 

Alan Garner: Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Aw, whatever. Look, I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas. Do you know how difficult that was?
Alan Garner: That’s really sweet, Phil.
Doug Billings: Yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Dude, I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I might just stay in Vegas.
Doug Billings: Here we go.


 

Phil Wenneck: You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re going to start dying, just a little bit, every day.
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: That’s why I’ve managed to stay single this whole time, you know?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Oh, really? That’s why you’re single?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Cool. Good to know.


 

[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Old Timer at Gas Station: Boy, you’ve got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Don’t look at me, either. Yeah, you better walk on.


 

[referring to Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Is he all there? Like, mentally?
Doug Billings: I think so. He’s just an odd guy. You know, he’s kind of weird.
Phil Wenneck: I mean, should we be worried?
Doug Billings: No.
Phil Wenneck: Alright.
Doug Billings: No. Tracy did mention that we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.


 

Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we’re two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t you think it’s strange that you’ve been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it’s not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Doug Billings: Hey.
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.


 

Alan Garner: It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don’t think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re going to win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It’s also illegal.
Alan Garner: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.


 

Doug Billings: Either way, you got to be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It’s not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a ri-tard.
[pauses, figures out what Alan is saying and corrects him]
Doug Billings: Retard.


 

[checking in at Caesar’s Palace]
Stu Price: We have a reservation under Dr. Price.
Lisa: Okay, let me look that up for you.
Phil Wenneck: Dr. Price? Stu, you’re a dentist, okay? Don’t try and get fancy.
Stu Price: It’s not fancy if it’s true.
Phil Wenneck: [to Lisa] He’s a dentist. Don’t get too excited. And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911.
Lisa: We’ll be sure to do that.


 

Alan Garner: Could I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel’s pager-friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.
Lisa: I’m not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Bunch of payphones? Business.
Lisa: Um, there’s a phone in your room…
Alan Garner: That’ll work.


 

Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Lisa: Sure.
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, um, did Caesar live here?
Lisa: Um, no.
Alan Garner: I didn’t think so.


 

Stu Price: I’m going to propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony.
Doug Billings: Stuey, congratulations!
Stu Price: Thank you, Doug.
Doug Billings: That’s a beautiful ring.
Stu Price: Yeah. It’s my grandmother’s. She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing. It’s legit.


 

Phil Wenneck: Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?
Stu Price: Phil, we’ve been dating for three years. It’s time. This is how it works.
Phil Wenneck: A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch.
Doug Billings: Hey, that’s his fiancé.
Phil Wenneck: What? It’s true. It’s true. You know it’s true. She beats him.
Stu Price: That was twice, and I was out of line. She’s strong-willed. And I respect that.
Phil Wenneck: Wow. Wow. He’s in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
Doug Billings: Hey, he wasn’t a sailor. He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that.
Stu Price: Guys, just, I’m standing right here. So I can hear everything that you’re saying.


 

Alan Garner: Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
Phil Wenneck: What? Do what?
Alan Garner: Let the dogs out. You know, like “Who let the dogs out? Who, who…”
Phil Wenneck: Who brought this guy along?
Doug Billings: Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.


 

Phil Wenneck: You’re not really wearing that, are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man-purse. You’re actually going to wear that or are you guys fucking with me?
Alan Garner: It’s where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it’s not a man-purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.


 

Alan Garner: I’d like, uh, I’d like to say something that I prepared tonight.
Doug Billings: Alright, Alan.
Alan Garner: “Hello. How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So were there two, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second. Could it be?’ And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.”
Stu Price: Alright.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: “Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine.” So tonight, I make a toast!
[he pulls out a pen knife and cuts the palm of his hand]


 

[making a toast]
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!


 

[after seeing a tiger in the bathroom Phil rushes out and falls over Phil who’s sleeping on the floor]
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck? Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
Alan Garner: Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
Phil Wenneck: Al, just calm down. It’s me.
Alan Garner: Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
Stu Price: What’s going on?
Alan Garner: There’s a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: Okay, okay, Al. Al, I’ll check it out.
Alan Garner: Don’t go in. Don’t go in, don’t go in. Be careful. Don’t, don’t.
[Phil opens the bathroom door and looks inside and quickly shuts the door]
See? See?
Phil Wenneck: Oh! Holy fuck! He’s not kidding! There’s a tiger in there!
Stu Price: No, there isn’t.
Alan Garner: Yeah! It’s big. Gigantic!


 

Phil Wenneck: Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.
Alan Garner: Pants at a time like this? I don’t have any pa…
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck happened last night?


 

Stu Price: Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
Phil Wenneck: I can’t, oh, shit.
[Phil starts to laugh. Stu picks up a mirrored tray and sees he’s missing a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God. My lateral incisor’s, it’s gone!
Phil Wenneck: It’s okay. Okay, okay. We just need to just calm down. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. Alan, go wake up Doug.
Phil Wenneck: Let’s just get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
Stu Price: What am I going to tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened.
Phil Wenneck: You’re freaking me out, man. I got a massive headache, okay? Let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.


 

[looking in the mirrored tray at his missing front tooth]
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!


 

[a baby is heard crying]
Stu Price: What the fuck is that?
[Stu, Phil and Alan find the baby in a closet]
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn’t see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms, no one’s here. Check its collar or something.


 

Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don’t have time for this. Look, let’s go hook up with Doug, and we’ll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we’re not going to leave a baby in the room, there’s a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It’s not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I got to side with Stu on this one.


 

Stu Price: Why can’t we remember a goddamn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck: Because we obviously had a great fucking time.


 

Phil Wenneck: Why don’t you just stop worrying for one minute. Be proud of yourself.
Stu Price: I don’t know, Phil. Maybe it’s because I’m missing a tooth. Or maybe it’s because there’s a tiger in our hotel room, which incidentally is completely destroyed. Oh, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait. I know, maybe it’s because we found a baby. A human baby. That’s it. That’s it. It’s because we found a fucking baby!
Alan Garner: I don’t think you should curse around a child.
Stu Price: Really, I don’t think you should be around a child.


 

[women gets into the elevator and looks at the baby Alan has strapped in front of him]
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What’s his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
[Stu looks at Alan]
Stu Price: Carlos?


 

Alan Garner: Hey Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He’s jacking his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro.
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!


 

Stu Price: You know what, guys? I don’t even remember going to dinner.
Phil Wenneck: I know. What the fuck? I don’t think I’ve ever been this hung-over.
Alan Garner: After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness.
[Alan laughs, Stu looks at him unbelievably]


 

Phil Wenneck: Okay. We have up until 10 p.m., so that gives us a twelve hour window where we could have lost him.
Alan Garner: What is this?
[he hold up a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God! That is my tooth! Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?


 

[after checking their pockets]
Stu Price: I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. Eleven-o-five for eight hundred dollars! I am so fucked!
Alan Garner: I have a valet ticket from Caesars. Looks like we got in at 5.15 a.m.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, shit! We drove last night?
Alan Garner: [laughing] Driving drunk. Classic.
[Stu does a mocking laughter to shut Alan up]


 

Alan Garner: What’s on your arm?
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck is that?
Stu Price: Jesus, Phil. You were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: I guess so, yeah.
Alan Garner: You okay?
Phil Wenneck: [sarcastically] Yeah, Alan. I’m fine.
Stu Price: What the hell is going on?
Phil Wenneck: No, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.


 

Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Stu Price: Wait, what?


 

Stu Price: Uh, guys? Check it out.
[they all look up to see workmen trying to remove a mattress that’s been put through the arm of one of the statues on the roof of the hotel]
Alan Garner: Is that the mattress from Doug’s room?
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck?
[walking up to a hotel guest]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, what, what’s going on?
Hotel Guest: Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night.
Stu Price: No shit.
Hotel Guest: Yeah. Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.
[Stu does a fake laugh]
Stu Price: Oh God.
Phil Wenneck: It’s going to be okay, Stu. How the hell did we manage that?


 

[as Stu opens the car door he accidentally hits the baby strapped in front of Alan]
Stu Price: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You just nailed the baby.
Alan Garner: Are my glasses okay?
Stu Price: Your glasses are fine, dick.


 

Stu Price: This is so illegal.
Phil Wenneck: Can’t you see the fun part in anything?
Stu Price: Yeah, we’re stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?


 

Phil Wenneck: Check this out.
[Phil turns on the siren on the police car and starts driving on the sidewalk]
Stu Price: Oh, no. No, Phil! Phil! Don’t do this!
Phil Wenneck: Take it easy.
Stu Price: Just try to call more attention to us.
[using the loudspeaker]
Phil Wenneck: Attention.
[to the people on the sidewalk]
Stu Price: Sorry!
Phil Wenneck: Attention, please. Will you move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse.
Stu Price: Phil, stop the car, I want to get out. Stop. Stop the car, I want to get out. Pull over.


 

[while driving a police car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker]
Phil Wenneck: Ma’am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
Stu Price: Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk!
Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.


 

[after the doctor has told them why they were in the hospital last night]
Dr. Valsh: Guys, I really got to go. I’m sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
[he washes his hands]
Phil Wenneck: No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time.
[Phil pulls out some money, the doctor looks at it]
Dr. Valsh: Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don’t want to re-sterilize.


 

[reading from Phil’s patient chart]
Dr. Valsh: Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. arrival. Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard.
Stu Price: Do you mind if I take look? I’m actually a doctor.
Dr. Valsh: Yeah, you said that several times last night. But really, you’re just a dentist.


 

Dr. Valsh: Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. Wow! They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system.
Phil Wenneck: Ru…?
Dr. Valsh: Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
Phil Wenneck: What are you saying, I was raped last night?
Dr. Valsh: Actually, I don’t think so. But someone did slip you the drug. I’m not surprised you don’t remember anything.
Alan Garner: [laughing] Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?
Dr. Valsh: Look, I wouldn’t worry about it, guys. By now the stuffs out of your system. You’re going to be fine.


 

Dr. Valsh: You kept talking about some wedding that you just came from. At the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You guys kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it. Okay, I hope this helps, fellas. I really have to leave.
Phil Wenneck: But you know what? Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do. It’s at the corner of ‘Get A Map and Fuck Off’. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself, okay? You’re big boys.


 

[at The Best Little Chapel]
Eddie Palermo: [referring to Stu] Listen to me, I’m going to tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
Phil Wenneck: Who, this guy?
[pointing to Stu]
Eddie Palermo: This guy is out of his mind. What’s going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker? I thought he was going to eat my dick.
[hugs Stu]


 

Stu Price: Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?
Eddie Palermo: You don’t remember nothing?
[looking at a small wedding album that has pictures of Stu after just getting married]
Alan Garner: Congratulations, Stu, you gotten married.
Stu Price: This can’t be happening. Oh, God! Look at that.
[flipping through the photos in album]
Phil Wenneck: I’ll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man.
Stu Price: That’s it. My life is over.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, it’s okay. Look, shit happens. Come on. Melissa’s not going to know anything about this. This never happened. I’ll take care of it.


 

Phil Wenneck: Her name’s Jade?
Eddie Palermo: Yeah, and she’s beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that. But that’s because she had a baby.
Phil Wenneck: That explains the baby.


 

Phil Wenneck: Uh, Eddie, here’s the deal. We made a major mistake last night. We need to get this marriage annulled immediately. You do annulments?
Eddie Palermo: Of course I do annulments. It breaks my heart and going to make me sad, but you know, it’s no problem. I’m going to do a very good price for you. I can’t do it with just him, though. I need, I need the chick. I need both parties.


 

Stu Price: Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it.
Phil Wenneck: Torch it? Who are you?
Stu Price: I don’t know, Phil. Apparently I’m a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked. These mugs. This hat.
[he takes the baseball cap with Stu and Jade’s wedding photo off of Alan’s head]
Alan Garner: Hey!
Stu Price: This car. It’s all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we’re torching all of it.
Phil Wenneck: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? I’m all for secrecy, but I’m not going to torch a fucking cop car.
Stu Price: Fine. I’ll do it.
Alan Garner: Can I help?
Stu Price: Yeah, thanks.


 

[to Phil]
Alan Garner: It’d be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know?


 

[the baby starts to cry when Stu is on the phone to Melissa]
Melissa: What the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby?
Stu Price: Why would there be a baby? We’re at a winery. That’s a goat.


 

[after getting away from two guys attacking their car outside The Best Little Chapel]
Alan Garner: Who were those guys?
[Stu tries to calm the crying baby beside him in back seat]
Stu Price: We’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay, alright.
[screaming to Phil and Alan in the front seat]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?!
Phil Wenneck: I have no idea.
[Stu’s cell phone rings he looks at it knowing it’s Melissa]
Phil Wenneck: Why don’t you just let that one go to voicemail?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Ha-ha-ha! That’s a fake laugh, by the way.


 

Alan Garner: It’s got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor.
Stu Price: Shut up, Alan!


 

Jade: What the hell happened to you guys?
Phil Wenneck: Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.
Jade: What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get you guys all coffee and I came back and you were gone.
[to Stu]
Jade: Why are you being so quiet?
Stu Price: I’m not being quiet.
Jade: Ha, ha. You’re so cute. Here, I got to feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys.
Alan Garner: Did you hear that? Baby’s name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.


 

Phil Wenneck: Right, Jade, uh…
[clears his throat]
Phil Wenneck: You remember our friend, Doug?
Jade: Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding.
Phil Wenneck: Exactly. Well, we can’t find him, and we’re getting a little worried.
Jade: Oh, my God! That is so Doug. Ha, ha.
[Stu notices the ring on Jade’s wedding finger and spit his drink out onto the baby]
Jade: Oh!
[the baby starts to cry]
Jade: Oh, sweetie. I’m going to go clean him off.
[to the baby]
Jade: It’s alright, Daddy didn’t mean it.


 

Stu Price: Oh, my God!
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck, man. You got to hold it together.
Stu Price: Holy shit!
Phil Wenneck: She’s super hot. You should be proud of yourself.
Stu Price: She’s wearing my grandmother’s ring!
Phil Wenneck: What?
Stu Price: The ring I’m going to give to Melissa. You remember, my grandmother’s Holocaust ring?
Phil Wenneck: Fuck!
Stu Price: She’s wearing it.
Phil Wenneck: Okay.
Alan Garner: I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

 


Total Quotes: 132

 




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