Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Heather Graham, Sasha Barrese, Jeffrey Tambor, Ken Jeong, Rachael Harris, Mike Tyson, Mike Epps, Jernard Burks, Rob Riggle, Cleo King, Bryan Callen, Matt Walsh
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Comedy directed by Todd Phillips, the story follows Doug (Justin Bartha) and his three friends, Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms), and Alan (Zach Galifianakis). Two days before Doug’s wedding, they all decide to drive to Las Vegas for a wild and memorable stag party. However, when the three groomsmen wake up the next morning, they can’t remember a thing, nor can they find Doug. With little time to spare, the three friends try to re-trace their steps and find Doug so they can get him back to Los Angeles in time to walk down the aisle.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 132)
[first lines; Doug’s telephone answering message]
Doug Billings: Hey, you’ve reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I’ll get back to you.
[Stu’s telephone answering message]
Stu Price: Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave a message after…
[Phil’s telephone answering message]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor, don’t text me, it’s gay.
Linda Garner: Anything?
Tracy Garner: I tried them all. It keeps going straight to voicemail.
Linda Garner: Well, there has to be an explanation.
Sid Garner: Sweetie, it’s Vegas. You lose track of time in those casinos. There’s no windows, there’s no clocks. He’s probably on a heater. And you never walk away from the table when you’re on a heater.
Linda Garner: You do if you’re getting married.
[Tracy answers her cell phone]
Tracy Garner: Hello?
Phil Wenneck: Ahem, Tracy, it’s Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I’m freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah listen, uh, we fucked up.
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party, the whole night. It, things got out of control and, uh, we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can’t find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We’re getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. That’s not going to happen.
[while getting fitted for a tux]
Alan Garner: [to the tailor] Woh, watch it pervert!
Doug Billings: It’s okay Alan, he’s just measuring your inseam.
Alan Garner: He’s getting close to my shaft.
Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I’m a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don’t think that…
Alan Garner: Seriously. I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It’s Sin City. I won’t tell a soul.
[he adjusts jock strap]
Doug Billings: Okay. I got it. Thank you.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
[Alan hugs Doug and Doug pats him on his back]
[Sid’s given Doug permission to drive his car to Vegas]
Sid Garner: Oh, and, uh, don’t let Alan drive, because there’s something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don’t like him.
Doug Billings: I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.
Sid Garner: Good.
Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Sid Garner: Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.
[while waiting to pick up Phil at the school where he works]
Alan Garner: Do you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what’s wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn’t be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: Or a Chuck E. Cheese.
[Phil gets into the back seat of the car]
Phil Wenneck: Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.
Doug Billings: Animal.
Phil Wenneck: Who’s this?
Doug Billings: It’s Alan. Tracy’s brother.
Alan Garner: I met you, like, four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
[whilst packing for the trip]
Melissa: Don’t forget your Rogaine.
Stu Price: Rogaine, check.
Melissa: And don’t forget to use it. I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.
Stu Price: Using of the Rogaine, check.
Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
[just then Doug pulls up on their driveway and Phil yells]
Phil Wenneck: Paging Doctor Faggot. Doctor Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That’s a good idea, Doctor Faggot.
Phil Wenneck: Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody’s passing us.
Doug Billings: Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. Besides, you’re drinking.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, what are you, a cop now? Come on, you know I drive great when I’m drunk.
Stu Price: That’s true. Don’t forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.
Alan Garner: Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Aw, whatever. Look, I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas. Do you know how difficult that was?
Alan Garner: That’s really sweet, Phil.
Doug Billings: Yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Dude, I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I might just stay in Vegas.
Doug Billings: Here we go.
Phil Wenneck: You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re going to start dying, just a little bit, every day.
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: That’s why I’ve managed to stay single this whole time, you know?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Oh, really? That’s why you’re single?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Cool. Good to know.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Old Timer at Gas Station: Boy, you’ve got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Don’t look at me, either. Yeah, you better walk on.
[referring to Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Is he all there? Like, mentally?
Doug Billings: I think so. He’s just an odd guy. You know, he’s kind of weird.
Phil Wenneck: I mean, should we be worried?
Doug Billings: No.
Phil Wenneck: Alright.
Doug Billings: No. Tracy did mention that we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we’re two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t you think it’s strange that you’ve been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it’s not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Doug Billings: Hey.
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.
Alan Garner: It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don’t think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re going to win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It’s also illegal.
Alan Garner: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
Doug Billings: Either way, you got to be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It’s not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a ri-tard.
[pauses, figures out what Alan is saying and corrects him]
Doug Billings: Retard.
[checking in at Caesar’s Palace]
Stu Price: We have a reservation under Dr. Price.
Lisa: Okay, let me look that up for you.
Phil Wenneck: Dr. Price? Stu, you’re a dentist, okay? Don’t try and get fancy.
Stu Price: It’s not fancy if it’s true.
Phil Wenneck: [to Lisa] He’s a dentist. Don’t get too excited. And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911.
Lisa: We’ll be sure to do that.
Alan Garner: Could I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel’s pager-friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.
Lisa: I’m not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Bunch of payphones? Business.
Lisa: Um, there’s a phone in your room…
Alan Garner: That’ll work.
Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, um, did Caesar live here?
Lisa: Um, no.
Alan Garner: I didn’t think so.
Stu Price: I’m going to propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony.
Doug Billings: Stuey, congratulations!
Stu Price: Thank you, Doug.
Doug Billings: That’s a beautiful ring.
Stu Price: Yeah. It’s my grandmother’s. She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing. It’s legit.
Phil Wenneck: Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?
Stu Price: Phil, we’ve been dating for three years. It’s time. This is how it works.
Phil Wenneck: A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch.
Doug Billings: Hey, that’s his fiancé.
Phil Wenneck: What? It’s true. It’s true. You know it’s true. She beats him.
Stu Price: That was twice, and I was out of line. She’s strong-willed. And I respect that.
Phil Wenneck: Wow. Wow. He’s in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
Doug Billings: Hey, he wasn’t a sailor. He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that.
Stu Price: Guys, just, I’m standing right here. So I can hear everything that you’re saying.
Alan Garner: Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
Phil Wenneck: What? Do what?
Alan Garner: Let the dogs out. You know, like “Who let the dogs out? Who, who…”
Phil Wenneck: Who brought this guy along?
Doug Billings: Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.
Phil Wenneck: You’re not really wearing that, are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man-purse. You’re actually going to wear that or are you guys fucking with me?
Alan Garner: It’s where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it’s not a man-purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Alan Garner: I’d like, uh, I’d like to say something that I prepared tonight.
Doug Billings: Alright, Alan.
Alan Garner: “Hello. How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So were there two, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second. Could it be?’ And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.”
Stu Price: Alright.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: “Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine.” So tonight, I make a toast!
[he pulls out a pen knife and cuts the palm of his hand]
[making a toast]
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!
[after seeing a tiger in the bathroom Phil rushes out and falls over Phil who’s sleeping on the floor]
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck? Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
Alan Garner: Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
Phil Wenneck: Al, just calm down. It’s me.
Alan Garner: Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
Stu Price: What’s going on?
Alan Garner: There’s a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: Okay, okay, Al. Al, I’ll check it out.
Alan Garner: Don’t go in. Don’t go in, don’t go in. Be careful. Don’t, don’t.
[Phil opens the bathroom door and looks inside and quickly shuts the door]
Phil Wenneck: Oh! Holy fuck! He’s not kidding! There’s a tiger in there!
Stu Price: No, there isn’t.
Alan Garner: Yeah! It’s big. Gigantic!
Phil Wenneck: Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.
Alan Garner: Pants at a time like this? I don’t have any pa…
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck happened last night?
Stu Price: Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
Phil Wenneck: I can’t, oh, shit.
[Phil starts to laugh. Stu picks up a mirrored tray and sees he’s missing a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God. My lateral incisor’s, it’s gone!
Phil Wenneck: It’s okay. Okay, okay. We just need to just calm down. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. Alan, go wake up Doug.
Phil Wenneck: Let’s just get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
Stu Price: What am I going to tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened.
Phil Wenneck: You’re freaking me out, man. I got a massive headache, okay? Let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.
[looking in the mirrored tray at his missing front tooth]
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
[a baby is heard crying]
Stu Price: What the fuck is that?
[Stu, Phil and Alan find the baby in a closet]
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn’t see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms, no one’s here. Check its collar or something.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don’t have time for this. Look, let’s go hook up with Doug, and we’ll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we’re not going to leave a baby in the room, there’s a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It’s not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I got to side with Stu on this one.
Stu Price: Why can’t we remember a goddamn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck: Because we obviously had a great fucking time.
Phil Wenneck: Why don’t you just stop worrying for one minute. Be proud of yourself.
Stu Price: I don’t know, Phil. Maybe it’s because I’m missing a tooth. Or maybe it’s because there’s a tiger in our hotel room, which incidentally is completely destroyed. Oh, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait. I know, maybe it’s because we found a baby. A human baby. That’s it. That’s it. It’s because we found a fucking baby!
Alan Garner: I don’t think you should curse around a child.
Stu Price: Really, I don’t think you should be around a child.
[women gets into the elevator and looks at the baby Alan has strapped in front of him]
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What’s his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
[Stu looks at Alan]
Stu Price: Carlos?
Alan Garner: Hey Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He’s jacking his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro.
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!
Stu Price: You know what, guys? I don’t even remember going to dinner.
Phil Wenneck: I know. What the fuck? I don’t think I’ve ever been this hung-over.
Alan Garner: After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness.
[Alan laughs, Stu looks at him unbelievably]
Phil Wenneck: Okay. We have up until 10 p.m., so that gives us a twelve hour window where we could have lost him.
Alan Garner: What is this?
[he hold up a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God! That is my tooth! Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?
[after checking their pockets]
Stu Price: I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. Eleven-o-five for eight hundred dollars! I am so fucked!
Alan Garner: I have a valet ticket from Caesars. Looks like we got in at 5.15 a.m.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, shit! We drove last night?
Alan Garner: [laughing] Driving drunk. Classic.
[Stu does a mocking laughter to shut Alan up]
Alan Garner: What’s on your arm?
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck is that?
Stu Price: Jesus, Phil. You were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: I guess so, yeah.
Alan Garner: You okay?
Phil Wenneck: [sarcastically] Yeah, Alan. I’m fine.
Stu Price: What the hell is going on?
Phil Wenneck: No, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.
Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Stu Price: Wait, what?
Stu Price: Uh, guys? Check it out.
[they all look up to see workmen trying to remove a mattress that’s been put through the arm of one of the statues on the roof of the hotel]
Alan Garner: Is that the mattress from Doug’s room?
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck?
[walking up to a hotel guest]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, what, what’s going on?
Hotel Guest: Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night.
Stu Price: No shit.
Hotel Guest: Yeah. Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.
[Stu does a fake laugh]
Stu Price: Oh God.
Phil Wenneck: It’s going to be okay, Stu. How the hell did we manage that?
[as Stu opens the car door he accidentally hits the baby strapped in front of Alan]
Stu Price: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You just nailed the baby.
Alan Garner: Are my glasses okay?
Stu Price: Your glasses are fine, dick.
Stu Price: This is so illegal.
Phil Wenneck: Can’t you see the fun part in anything?
Stu Price: Yeah, we’re stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?
Phil Wenneck: Check this out.
[Phil turns on the siren on the police car and starts driving on the sidewalk]
Stu Price: Oh, no. No, Phil! Phil! Don’t do this!
Phil Wenneck: Take it easy.
Stu Price: Just try to call more attention to us.
[using the loudspeaker]
Phil Wenneck: Attention.
[to the people on the sidewalk]
Stu Price: Sorry!
Phil Wenneck: Attention, please. Will you move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse.
Stu Price: Phil, stop the car, I want to get out. Stop. Stop the car, I want to get out. Pull over.
[while driving a police car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker]
Phil Wenneck: Ma’am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
Stu Price: Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk!
Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.
[after the doctor has told them why they were in the hospital last night]
Dr. Valsh: Guys, I really got to go. I’m sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
[he washes his hands]
Phil Wenneck: No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time.
[Phil pulls out some money, the doctor looks at it]
Dr. Valsh: Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don’t want to re-sterilize.
[reading from Phil’s patient chart]
Dr. Valsh: Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. arrival. Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard.
Stu Price: Do you mind if I take look? I’m actually a doctor.
Dr. Valsh: Yeah, you said that several times last night. But really, you’re just a dentist.
Dr. Valsh: Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. Wow! They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system.
Phil Wenneck: Ru…?
Dr. Valsh: Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
Phil Wenneck: What are you saying, I was raped last night?
Dr. Valsh: Actually, I don’t think so. But someone did slip you the drug. I’m not surprised you don’t remember anything.
Alan Garner: [laughing] Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?
Dr. Valsh: Look, I wouldn’t worry about it, guys. By now the stuffs out of your system. You’re going to be fine.
Dr. Valsh: You kept talking about some wedding that you just came from. At the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You guys kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it. Okay, I hope this helps, fellas. I really have to leave.
Phil Wenneck: But you know what? Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do. It’s at the corner of ‘Get A Map and Fuck Off’. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself, okay? You’re big boys.
[at The Best Little Chapel]
Eddie Palermo: [referring to Stu] Listen to me, I’m going to tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
Phil Wenneck: Who, this guy?
[pointing to Stu]
Eddie Palermo: This guy is out of his mind. What’s going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker? I thought he was going to eat my dick.
Stu Price: Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?
Eddie Palermo: You don’t remember nothing?
[looking at a small wedding album that has pictures of Stu after just getting married]
Alan Garner: Congratulations, Stu, you gotten married.
Stu Price: This can’t be happening. Oh, God! Look at that.
[flipping through the photos in album]
Phil Wenneck: I’ll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man.
Stu Price: That’s it. My life is over.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, it’s okay. Look, shit happens. Come on. Melissa’s not going to know anything about this. This never happened. I’ll take care of it.
Phil Wenneck: Her name’s Jade?
Eddie Palermo: Yeah, and she’s beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that. But that’s because she had a baby.
Phil Wenneck: That explains the baby.
Phil Wenneck: Uh, Eddie, here’s the deal. We made a major mistake last night. We need to get this marriage annulled immediately. You do annulments?
Eddie Palermo: Of course I do annulments. It breaks my heart and going to make me sad, but you know, it’s no problem. I’m going to do a very good price for you. I can’t do it with just him, though. I need, I need the chick. I need both parties.
Stu Price: Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it.
Phil Wenneck: Torch it? Who are you?
Stu Price: I don’t know, Phil. Apparently I’m a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked. These mugs. This hat.
[he takes the baseball cap with Stu and Jade’s wedding photo off of Alan’s head]
Alan Garner: Hey!
Stu Price: This car. It’s all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we’re torching all of it.
Phil Wenneck: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? I’m all for secrecy, but I’m not going to torch a fucking cop car.
Stu Price: Fine. I’ll do it.
Alan Garner: Can I help?
Stu Price: Yeah, thanks.
Alan Garner: It’d be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know?
[the baby starts to cry when Stu is on the phone to Melissa]
Melissa: What the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby?
Stu Price: Why would there be a baby? We’re at a winery. That’s a goat.
[after getting away from two guys attacking their car outside The Best Little Chapel]
Alan Garner: Who were those guys?
[Stu tries to calm the crying baby beside him in back seat]
Stu Price: We’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay, alright.
[screaming to Phil and Alan in the front seat]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?!
Phil Wenneck: I have no idea.
[Stu’s cell phone rings he looks at it knowing it’s Melissa]
Phil Wenneck: Why don’t you just let that one go to voicemail?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Ha-ha-ha! That’s a fake laugh, by the way.
Alan Garner: It’s got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor.
Stu Price: Shut up, Alan!
Jade: What the hell happened to you guys?
Phil Wenneck: Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.
Jade: What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get you guys all coffee and I came back and you were gone.
Jade: Why are you being so quiet?
Stu Price: I’m not being quiet.
Jade: Ha, ha. You’re so cute. Here, I got to feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys.
Alan Garner: Did you hear that? Baby’s name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Phil Wenneck: Right, Jade, uh…
[clears his throat]
Phil Wenneck: You remember our friend, Doug?
Jade: Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding.
Phil Wenneck: Exactly. Well, we can’t find him, and we’re getting a little worried.
Jade: Oh, my God! That is so Doug. Ha, ha.
[Stu notices the ring on Jade’s wedding finger and spit his drink out onto the baby]
[the baby starts to cry]
Jade: Oh, sweetie. I’m going to go clean him off.
[to the baby]
Jade: It’s alright, Daddy didn’t mean it.
Stu Price: Oh, my God!
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck, man. You got to hold it together.
Stu Price: Holy shit!
Phil Wenneck: She’s super hot. You should be proud of yourself.
Stu Price: She’s wearing my grandmother’s ring!
Phil Wenneck: What?
Stu Price: The ring I’m going to give to Melissa. You remember, my grandmother’s Holocaust ring?
Phil Wenneck: Fuck!
Stu Price: She’s wearing it.
Phil Wenneck: Okay.
Alan Garner: I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
Stu Price: I got a question. Um, you said when your shift ended. Does that mean you’re a nurse? Or a blackjack dealer?
Jade: You know this. I’m a stripper.
Stu Price: [nodding] Mm-hm.
Jade: Well, technically I’m an escort, but stripping’s a great way to meet the clients.
Phil Wenneck: Smart.
Stu Price: Savvy.
Jade: But that’s all in the past, now that I married a doctor.
Stu Price: I’m just a dentist.
[giving kids a tour of the station he goes over to where Phil, Stu and Alan are sitting on a bench handcuffed together]
Officer Foltz: So after we take the mug shots, we bring them on down here where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers. Trust me, kids, you do not want to be sitting on these benches. We call this place ‘Loserville’.
[pointing to Phil, Stu and Alan. A kid comes over and takes a picture of Alan with his cell phone]
Officer Franklin: Gentlemen. We’ve got some good news, and we’ve got some bad news. The good news is we found your Mercedes.
Stu Price: That’s great news.
Phil Wenneck: That’s great.
Phil Wenneck: See?
Officer Franklin: Yeah, it’s over at impound right now. We picked it up at 5 a.m. this morning parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard.
Phil Wenneck: In the middle. That’s weird.
Officer Franklin: Yeah, that is weird. There was also a note. It says, uh, “Couldn’t find a meter, but here’s 4 bucks.”
Officer Garden: You stole a police car.
Stu Price: We didn’t steal anything. Um, we found it.
Alan Garner: Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy.
Officer Franklin: I see assholes like you every day.
Officer Garden: Every fucking day!
Officer Franklin: ‘Let’s go to Vegas, we’ll all get drunk and laid!’
Officer Garden: Yeah. Whoo!
Officer Franklin: Woo-hoo!
Officer Garden: Woo-hoo!
Officer Franklin: ‘Let’s steal a cop car, cause it’d be really fucking funny.’
Officer Garden: Yeah. Think you going to get away with it? Not up in here.
Officer Franklin: [shouting] Not up in here!
Officer Franklin: Okay, kids. You’re in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect. That’s right.
Stu Price: Wait a sec.
Phil Wenneck: What?
Officer Franklin: Now, there’s two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal.
[tasers Stu and Stu falls down in pain]
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck?
Officer Franklin: Or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting? Huh?
[all the kids put their hands up]
Officer Franklin: Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here. Alright. Let’s go, handsome, come on.
[Alan comes forward]
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
[pointing to Phil]
Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
[to the little girl]
Officer Franklin: Alright, now, it’s real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
[to the little girl]
Phil Wenneck: Okay, look. You don’t really want to do this.
Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t listen to this maniac. Let’s think this through.
[shouting to the little girl]
Officer Franklin: Finish him!
[the girl shoots the stun gun]
Phil Wenneck: Oh!
[Phil falls down in pain]
Officer Franklin: Yeah! Right in the nuts! That was beautiful. Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.
Officer Garden: Good job. Good job
Officer Franklin: Hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here?
[he points to the kid that Alan had tried to get a photo of Alan earlier on his cell phone]
Officer Franklin: How about you, big man? Come on up here.
[the kid walks up to the front]
Officer Franklin: Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot.
[the kids points the stun gun to Alan]
Officer Franklin: There you go. That’s the stuff. I like the intensity. Eye of the tiger. Good. You’re holding fifty thousand volts, little man. Don’t be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kids shoots the stun gun and hits Alan in the face]
Officer Franklin: In the face! In the face!
[Officer Franklin and Garden both start to laugh]
Officer Franklin: Oh, he’s still up. He’s still up!
[the kids get scared as Alan walks forward]
Officer Franklin: Alright, everybody relax, take it easy. We’ve seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge.
[he tasers Alan in the neck and he falls in pain]
Officer Franklin: There we go. Some of these big boys, you got to give them two shots.
[after getting tasered]
Stu Price: That was bullshit. I’m telling everybody we stole a cop car.
Phil Wenneck: They let us go, who cares?
Stu Price: I care! You can’t just do that. You can’t just tase people because you think it’s funny. That’s police brutality!
Phil Wenneck: Alan, you okay?
Alan Garner: I’m just worried. What if something happened to Doug? Something bad.
Phil Wenneck: Ah, come on. You can’t think like that.
Alan Garner: I mean, what if he’s dead? I can’t afford to lose anybody close to me again. It just hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, I’m s… How’d he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II.
Stu Price: I’ll tell you another thing, six to one odds our car is beat to shit.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, not now.
Stu Price: No, seriously. How much do you want to bet it’s like fucked up beyond all recognition?
Phil Wenneck: That’s enough. Look, Alan’s seriously worried, okay? Let’s not freak him out any more.
[after getting the Mercedes back and searching inside the car for clues]
Alan Garner: What is this, a snakeskin?
[Alan holds up a condom]
Stu Price: Oh, come on!
[Alan throws it on Stu]
Stu Price: Ew!
Phil Wenneck: That’s a used condom, Alan.
Stu Price: Oh! Bleh!
[throws the condom back to Alan]
Alan Garner: Oh, God!
Phil Wenneck: Get it out of the car.
Stu Price: Gross, it’s wet.
Alan Garner: I don’t want the thing.
[Alan throws the condom on Phil]
Phil Wenneck: Hey! Come on, guys! Get it off! I got jeez on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
Alan Garner: Get it out.
[Phil throws it out the car window and stops the car]
Phil Wenneck: Fuck! Oh, my God. Alright, what the fuck, man? We got to get this shit together, guys!
[getting attacked by the naked Chinese man that they found in the back of the car trunk]
Alan Garner: Woh. I’m with you, I’m with you!
Mr. Chow: You going to fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody’s going to fuck on you! We’re on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn’t your fault. I’ll get you some pants.
[Chow hits Alan really hard with the crowbar and runs away]
[after getting beaten up by Chow]
Stu Price: What the fuck was that? I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911.
Phil Wenneck: That was some fucked up shit. Who was that guy? He was so mean.
Alan Garner: Guys, there’s something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof, before we went out, I slipped something in our Jägermeister.
Phil Wenneck: What?
Alan Garner: I’m sorry! I fudged up, guys.
Stu Price: You drugged us?
Alan Garner: No, I didn’t drug you. I was told it was ecstasy.
Phil Wenneck: Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
Alan Garner: The guy I bought it from at the liquor store.
Stu Price: Why would you give us ecstasy?
Alan Garner: Cause I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn’t take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night.
Stu Price: But it wasn’t ecstasy, Alan. It was roofies!
Alan Garner: You think I knew that, Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter.
Stu Price: [sarcastically] I’m sorry, you mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn’t a good guy?
Phil Wenneck: Now, let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: You fucking calm down! He drugged us! I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
Alan Garner: How dare you! She’s a nice lady.
Stu Price: You are such a fucking moron.
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
Stu Price: Fuck you!
Phil Wenneck: Alright. Let’s just take a deep breath, okay? Right, seriously, this is a good thing guys. At least it’s not some stranger who drugged us for God knows what reason.
Stu Price: Yeah, yeah. You’re right, Phil, it’s totally a good thing. We’re so much better off now. Here’s something I would like to remind you two of; our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That’s highly unlikely.
Stu Price: It’s true.
Alan Garner: Wait, guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger.
Alan Garner: How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price: I don’t know, because I don’t remember.
[Stu looks accusingly at Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner: Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh, roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
[back in their hotel room]
Phil Wenneck: Who the hell are you?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: No, who the hell are you?
Mike Tyson: Quiet, quiet.
[Phil Collin’s ‘In the Air Tonight’ is playing in the background]
Phil Wenneck: Mike Tyson?
Mike Tyson: Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now.
[Tyson mimes playing the drums from the song and starts singing to the chorus lines]
[Tyson punches Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! Why did you do that?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom.
Stu Price: And if you want to kill us, just go ahead because I don’t even care anymore.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, what are you talking about?
Stu Price: What? I don’t care.
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Why the fuck would you want to steal his tiger?
Phil Wenneck: We tend to do dumb shit when we’re fucked up.
[after Tyson throws Doug’s jacket to them]
Stu Price: Did you guys see him?
Mike Tyson: I was fast asleep.
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Yeah, cause if he was up, this shit wouldn’t have gone down so smoothly.
Mike Tyson: Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar.
[Tyson’s bodyguard takes his hat off]
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Respect.
Phil Wenneck: What happened to Omar?
Mike Tyson: Oh, don’t worry about Omar, he’s not with us no more.
Phil Wenneck: Okay, I know this is asking a lot but do you think that there’s any way that we could go to your house and just look around see if there’s any clues for our friend?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Absolutely. How else you think we’re going to get the tiger back anyway?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Come on, champ.
Phil Wenneck: I’m sorry?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: We’re not going to put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. What you think, about 40 minutes?
Mike Tyson: Don’t make me come back for him.
[after deciding to drug the tiger, Alan puts drugs into a raw steak]
Stu Price: This does not seem fair.
Phil Wenneck: It’s Rock, Paper, Scissors. There’s nothing more fair.
Stu Price: Alan should do it.
Phil Wenneck: Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson. Come on. For Doug.
[Alan starts putting pepper on the steak]
Stu Price: Why are you peppering the steak? You don’t know if tigers like pepper.
Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
[whilst waiting for the drugs to take effect on the tiger, Stu plays the piano and sings passionately]
Stu Price: What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Well, don’t you worry your pretty striped head, we’re going to get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we’re going to find our best friend Doug, and then we’re going to give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he’s been murdered by crystal-meth tweakers…
[pauses for a moment]
Stu Price: …well, then we’re shit out of luck.
[referring to the hidden tiger under the sheets]
Dad in Elevator: So what do you guys got under there?
Phil Wenneck: Just a whole bunch ‘mind your own business’.
Stu Price: Easy, Phil.
Dad in Elevator: He’s correct. My fault.
Stu Price: You, okay?
Phil Wenneck: What’s the problem? We’re just riding an elevator. Why, is this Jeopardy? What the fuck is this bullshit!
Dad in Elevator: Please, with the language.
Alan Garner: Yes. I fully agree.
[riding in the car with the drugged tiger in the back seat]
Alan Garner: Hey guys, when’s the next Halley’s comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know, Stu?
Stu Price: I don’t think it’s for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it’s not tonight right?
Stu Price: No, I don’t think so.
Alan Garner: But you don’t know for sure?
Stu Price: No.
Alan Garner: I have this cousin, Marcus, who saw one he said it blew his mind. I want to make sure I never, ever miss out on a Halley’s comet. So if you guys know if there’s going to be one…
[the tiger wakes up and roars]
Stu Price: [screams] Oh, shit!
Stu Price: That’s our buddy. That’s who, that’s who we’ve been missing. That’s great!
Alan Garner: We’re all best friends.
Mike Tyson: Why don’t you just pay attention? I don’t have all night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, of course. Of course.
[they see footage of Alan going over to the pool]
Alan Garner: That’s me, I’m on TV. I’ve never been on TV before.
[they watch footage of Alan peeing in the pool]
Phil Wenneck: Really? Really, Alan?
Alan Garner: Yeah, it’s, uh…
[Alan gets all awkward as he watches himself continuing to pee in the pool]
Alan Garner: Maybe I, should I wait outside?
Mike Tyson: I think that’s a good idea, Alan.
Alan Garner: Yeah.
[Alan gets up to leave the room]
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Don’t touch anything out there, either.
Stu Price: You know what? He’s not our good fr…we don’t know him that well.
Mike Tyson: By the way, man, where’d you get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We, uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops.
Mike Tyson: Nice! Nice!
[they all start to laugh]
Mike Tyson: High five that one. Yeah, that’s nice.
[watching footage of them stealing the tiger and putting in the cop car]
Phil Wenneck: You know, I just have to say I have never seen a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature.
[on video surveillance]
Phil Wenneck: Check it out. Stu. Stu. Fuck this tiger!
[footage shows Phil miming having sex with the tiger]
Phil Wenneck: Oh, my God! That’s awful.
Stu Price: Oh, man!
Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that, man?
Phil Wenneck: I someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I’m a sick man.
Phil Wenneck: Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger.
Mike Tyson: Don’t worry about it, man. Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we’re fucked up.
[Stu and Alan laugh]
Stu Price: I told you he’d get it.
Phil Wenneck: I did say that.
Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner: I think he’s mean.
[after deciding to tell Tracy about Doug missing]
Phil Wenneck: We just need to be completely honest. We just tell her everything.
Stu Price: We don’t have to tell her everything. I mean, we can leave out the stuff about me marrying a hooker. Just stay focused on Doug.
Alan Garner: What am I going to tell my dad about this car?
Phil Wenneck: Alan, relax. It’s just the inside. Come on. I got a guy in L.A. who’s great with interiors.
[they stop at a red light and a car speeding from the other side of the road comes crashing into them]
Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.
[holding Alan’s purse]
Phil Wenneck: What? Your purse?
Alan Garner: That’s not a purse, it’s a satchel!
Mr. Chow: It’s a purse. Okay? And you steal from wrong guy.
Phil Wenneck: Wait a second, wait a second. We stole from you?
Chow’s no. 1: Well, apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night.
[pointing to Alan]
Chow’s no. 1: Yeah, you were on a real heater, and he played your hot streak. He ended up winning just under eighty grand.
Phil Wenneck: No shit? Eighty grand. That’s nice.
Stu Price: Okay, that’s good.
Chow’s no. 1: He put the chips in this purse, and then you guys took off with it.
Stu Price: That doesn’t sound like us.
Mr. Chow: Mine had eighty thousand dollars inside. And this one? Nothing.
[he throws the purse on the ground and crushes it with his foot]
Alan Garner: Hey, there are Skittles in there!
[Chow’s no. one man hits Alan in the stomach and Chow laughs]
Stu Price: Don’t let the beard fool you. He’s a child!
Mr. Chow: It’s funny because he’s fat.
Mr. Chow: Okay, if it’s ‘no big deal’, why when I come after you guys he starts screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk? Huh?
Phil Wenneck: What, I did that?
Chow’s no. 1: Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm and you want to take him home with you.
[Phil and Stu start laughing]
Stu Price: Lucky charm.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, it’s just funny.
Mr. Chow: Fuck you.
[after showing them the he’s got Doug]
Phil Wenneck: Okay, okay. Alright, fine, fine.
Stu Price: What do you want?
Mr. Chow: Ah, not so good now. Quid pro quo, douche bag.
Mr. Chow: Bring money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at dawn.
Stu Price: What?
[as he closes his car window slowly]
Mr. Chow: Toodooloo, motherfucker!
Phil Wenneck: Stu, how much you got in the bank?
Stu Price: Uh, about ten grand, maybe more. I was going to use it for the wedding.
Phil Wenneck: Well, you’re already married, so we’re good there. Besides, enough with Melissa, she’s the worst.
Alan Garner: Yeah, Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something like that.
Stu Price: It was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people?
[Alan takes a bite out of a pizza he’s found behind the sofa cushion]
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
[pretending he doesn’t know Alan whose bet his winnings at the gambling table]
Stu Price: I don’t even know you, but I’m going to tell you that’s dumb.
[counting the money Alan’s won from gambling]
Stu Price: With all this, that’s eighty-two-thousand four-hundred dollars.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, goddamn it! I don’t fucking believe it!
Stu Price: Whoo!
Phil Wenneck: Alan, you’re the man!
Alan Garner: You are too, Phil.
Phil Wenneck: We should come back next week, take the whole city down.
Alan Garner: Oh, I’m free next week.
Stu Price: Or we could just focus on getting Doug back, right now.
Alan Garner: Uh, you know what? Next week’s no good for me, the Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that is totally fine.
[singing in the back of the car]
Alan Garner: And we’re the three best friends that anybody could have. We’re the three best friends that anyone could have. We’re the three best friends that anyone can have. And we’ll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, leave each other. We’re the best three friends that anybody could have. I mean, the three best friends that anybody could have. That’s right, the three best friends that anybody can have.
[Chow laughs as Alan falls from the window of the car because the door on the passenger side doesn’t open]
Mr. Chow: Funny fat guy fall on face!
[Chow’s no. one man takes the bag off of Doug’s head]
Mr. Chow: Ta-da.
Stu Price: [shocked] Aaahh!
Phil Wenneck: Is this some kind of joke? Who the hell is this?
Stu Price: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price: No, I’m sorry, Mr. Chow. That’s not our friend. He, that’s…
Alan Garner: The Doug we’re looking for is a white.
[Chow’s no. one man takes the tape off of Black Doug’s mouth]
Black Doug: [to Chow] Ah! I told you had the wrong guy, little boy.
Stu Price: Wait. He sold you the Ru, the Ruphylin?
Black Doug: Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru…? Wha…?
Phil Wenneck: Who gives a shit! Where is Doug?
Black Doug: I am Doug.
Alan Garner: Your name’s Doug?
Black Doug: Yes, I’m Doug.
Alan Garner: His name’s Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up!
Phil Wenneck: No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us our eighty grand back and take him with you!
Black Doug: No, no. Come on, man. I’ll be your Doug.
Mr. Chow: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back. Uh, right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts.
[grabs his nuts with both hands]
Black Doug: Ah! That’s nasty.
[as Chow’s about to get into his car]
Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys.
[as Chow’s car drives away leaving them with Black Doug]
Phil Wenneck: Goddamn it!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: Shit!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Stu Price: How did you wind up in Chow’s car?
Black Doug: That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday.
Stu Price: Okay, but why? I mean, why you?
Black Doug: Cause he thought I was with you guys because we were hanging over at the Bellagio.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: We were at the Bellagio?
Black Doug: Yeah, we were shooting craps. You don’t remember?
Stu Price: No. No, we don’t remember. Because some dick drug dealer sold him Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.
Black Doug: Ruphylin. There you go with that word. Ruphylin. Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?
Stu Price: Wow! You are the world’s shittiest drug dealer. Ruphylin, for your information, is the date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.
Black Doug: Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan.
Black Doug: It’s funny, cause just the other day me and my boy, we was wondering why they even call them roofies. You know what I’m talking about?
Stu Price: No. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Black Doug: Why not floories, right? Cause when you take them you’re more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That’s a good new name for them.
Alan Garner: Or, how about rapies?
[after realizing that Doug was the one that had thrown the mattress on the statue]
Phil Wenneck: Wait. How did you figure that out?
Stu Price: Uh, Doug made me realize it.
Phil Wenneck: Doug?
Stu Price: Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.
Black Doug: Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on!
Stu Price: Sorry.
Alan Garner: Okay, can someone tell me where white Doug is I…?
Phil Wenneck: He’s on the roof, Alan.
[after finding Doug on the hotel roof, his skin all red from being sun burnt]
Doug Billings: What the fuck is going on?
Stu Price: We can explain everything, but right now, we got to go!
Phil Wenneck: Hey, bud. You okay?
Doug Billings: No. Not okay.
Phil Wenneck: You look good, you got some color. I’m jealous.
Doug Billings: I’m getting married today.
Phil Wenneck: Yes, you are. Doug, that’s why you need to focus and you need to do everything we say. Because, frankly, you’re, you’re wasting a little bit of time right now.
Doug Billings: [shouting] You fucking asshole!
[Doug attacks Phil and they both fall]
Doug Billings: Oh! Oh! My skin burns. My skin burns. Oh, ow! God!
[Alan comes over to sooth Doug]
Alan Garner: It’s okay. It’s not your fault, Doug.
Doug Billings: Don’t touch me. Shut up. All of you, shut up. Just get me home.
Stu Price: I can’t believe I gave my grandmother’s Holocaust ring to someone I just met. What was I thinking?
Jade: You were really fucked up.
Stu Price: Clearly.
Jade: You did pull out your own tooth.
Stu Price: l…? I pulled out my tooth? Why did I pull out my own tooth?
Jade: Well, Alan bet you that you weren’t a good enough dentist to pull out your own tooth.
Stu Price: Okay. Heh! Of course he did.
Jade: You won.
Stu Price: Yeah. Clearly.
[pointing to his missing tooth]
Stu Price: Yeah. That’s victory, right there.
Stu Price: Hey, what are you doing next weekend?
Jade: I don’t know. Working. Why?
Stu Price: Well, I, cause I was thinking maybe I’d come back and take you out to dinner or something.
Jade: Really? Like a date?
Stu Price: Yeah. Like a date. Only, one that, uh, hopefully I’ll remember.
Jade: Sounds good.
Doug Billings: At least the trip wasn’t a total disaster.
Alan Garner: What makes you say that?
Doug Billings: When I woke up on the roof I happened to find eighty thousand dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.
Stu Price: Oh!
Phil Wenneck: Oh, my God!
Doug Billings: Looks like we’re going home with some money, boys.
[standing at the wedding alter]
Alan Garner: How’s my hair?
Stu Price: It looks good.
Alan Garner: Is it cool like Phil’s?
Stu Price: It’s classic Phil.
[the wedding ceremony is about to start]
Tracy Garner: [whispering] Where were you? And why are you so red?
Doug Billings: [whispering] Honey, it’s a long story.
Melissa: Stu, what the fuck is going on?
Stu Price: We went to Las Vegas.
Melissa: Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu Price: Because my best friend was getting married and that’s what guys do.
Stu Price: Yeah.
Melissa: That’s not what you do!
Stu Price: Really?
Stu Price: Well, then why did I do it, huh? Cause I did it. Riddle me that! Why’d I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I’m sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think in a healthy relationship, a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: [shouting] That is not how this works!
[wedding guests all go quite and turn to look at them]
Stu Price: Oh, good. Because whatever this is, ain’t working for me!
Melissa: Oh, really?
Stu Price: Yeah.
Melissa: Since when?
Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. BOOM!
Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu Price: Oh, you’re right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender!
Melissa: You’re an idiot!
Stu Price: You’re a, you, uuhh! You’re such a bad person. Like, all the way through to your core! Alan, shall we dance?
Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: I’m getting my bartender’s license.
Melissa: Suck my dick.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
Stu Price: Dougie, I got to tell you, man, this was a gorgeous wedding.
Phil Wenneck: I give it six months.
Stu Price: You’re a dick.
Alan Garner: Hey, guys? Look what I found.
Stu Price: Woh, that’s my camera.
Alan Garner: It was lodged in the back seat of the car.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, go! Are there photos on it?
Alan Garner: Yeah. Some of it’s even worse than we thought.
Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, okay? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I wound up in the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner: Yeah, it’s in there.
Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck: Deal!
Stu Price: Deal.
Alan Garner: Okay.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu Price: Oh, dear Lord!
Alan Garner: That’s classic!
Total Quotes: 132