The Hangover Quotes: Funny Clichéd Galore

(Total Quotes: 132)

Directed by: Todd Phillips
Written by:
Jon Lucas and
Scott Moore
Bradley Cooper – Phil Wenneck
Ed Helms – Stu Price
Zach Galifianakis – Alan Garner
Justin Bartha – Doug Billings
Heather Graham – Jade
Sasha Barrese – Tracy Garner
Jeffrey Tambor – Sid Garner
Ken Jeong – Mr. Chow
Rachael Harris – Melissa
Mike Tyson – Himself
Mike Epps – Black Doug
Jernard Burks – Leonard
Rob Riggle – Officer Franklin
Cleo King – Officer Garden
Bryan Callen – Eddie Palermo
Matt Walsh – Dr. Valsh
Ian Anthony Dale – Chow’s #1
Michael Li – Chow’s #2
Sondra Currie – Linda Garner
Gillian Vigman – Stephanie
Nathalie Fay – Lisa


With a story based on four guys heading to Las Vegas for bachelor party you can pretty much expect that The Hangover quotes are going to be loaded with cliches, and not everyone will like the humor of the movie. However, somehow with all it’s clichés The Hangover manages to pull off a few genuinely funny moments.

Verdict: Don’t watch this movie without high expectations and then you will be more pleasantly surprised.

The Hangover Quotes Page  1   2


[first lines; Doug’s telephone answering message]
Doug Billings: Hey, you’ve reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I’ll get back to you.


[Stu’s telephone answering message]
Stu Price: Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave a message after…


[Phil’s telephone answering message]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor, don’t text me, it’s gay.


Linda Garner: Anything?
Tracy Garner: I tried them all. It keeps going straight to voicemail.
Linda Garner: Well, there has to be an explanation.
Sid Garner: Sweetie, it’s Vegas. You lose track of time in those casinos. There’s no windows, there’s no clocks. He’s probably on a heater. And you never walk away from the table when you’re on a heater.
Linda Garner: You do if you’re getting married.


[Tracy answers her cell phone]
Tracy Garner: Hello?
Phil Wenneck: Ahem…Tracy, it’s Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I’m freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah listen, uh…we fucked up. the-hangover-1
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party, the whole night. It…things got out of control and uh…we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can’t find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We’re getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. That’s not gonna happen.


[while getting fitted for a tux]
Alan Garner: [to the tailor] Woh, watch it pervert!
Doug Billings: It’s okay Alan, he’s just measuring your inseam.
Alan Garner: He’s getting close to my shaft.


Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I’m a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don’t think that…
Alan Garner: Seriously. I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It’s Sin City. I won’t tell a soul.
[he adjusts jock strap]
Doug Billings: Okay. I got it. Thank you.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
[Alan hugs Doug and Doug pats him on his back]


[Sid’s given Doug permission to drive his car to Vegas]
Sid Garner: Oh, and uh…don’t let Alan drive…because there’s something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I…I don’t like him.
Doug Billings: I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.
Sid Garner: Good.


Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
[Doug laughs]
Sid Garner: Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.


[while waiting to pick up Phil at the school where he works]
Alan Garner: Do you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what’s wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn’t be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: Or a Chuck E. Cheese.


[Phil gets into the back seat of the car]
Phil Wenneck: Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.
Doug Billings: Animal.
Phil Wenneck: Who’s this?
Doug Billings: It’s Alan. Tracy’s brother.
Alan Garner: I met you, like, four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?


[whilst packing for the trip]
Melissa: Don’t forget your Rogaine.
Stu Price: Rogaine, check.
Melissa: And don’t forget to use it. I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.
Stu Price: Using of the Rogaine, check.


Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.the-hangover-2
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
[just then Doug pulls up on their driveway and Phil yells]
Phil Wenneck: Paging Doctor Faggot. Doctor Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That’s a good idea, Doctor Faggot.


Phil Wenneck: Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody’s passing us.
Doug Billings: Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. Besides, you’re drinking.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, what are you, a cop now? Come on, you know I drive great when I’m drunk.
Stu Price: That’s true. Don’t forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.


Alan Garner: Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Aw…whatever. Look, I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas. Do you know how difficult that was?
Alan Garner: That’s really sweet, Phil.
Doug Billings: Yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Dude, I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I might just stay in Vegas.
Doug Billings: Here we go.


Phil Wenneck: You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re gonna start dying…just a little bit…every day.
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: That’s why I’ve managed to stay single this whole time, you know?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Oh, really? That’s why you’re single?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Cool. Good to know.


[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Old Timer at Gas Station: Boy, you’ve got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Don’t look at me, either. Yeah, you better walk on.


[referring to Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Is he all there? Like, mentally?
Doug Billings: I think so. He’s just an odd guy. You know, he’s kind of weird.
Phil Wenneck: I mean, should we be worried?
Doug Billings: No.
Phil Wenneck: Alright.
Doug Billings: No. Tracy did mention that we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.


Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we’re two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t you think it’s strange that you’ve been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it’s not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Doug Billings: Hey.
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh…yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.


Alan Garner: It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don’t think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It’s also illegal.the-hangover-9
Alan Garner: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.


Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It’s not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a ri-tard.
[pauses, figures out what Alan is saying and corrects him]
Doug Billings: Retard.


[checking in at Caesar’s Palace]
Stu Price: We have a reservation under Dr. Price.
Lisa: Okay, let me look that up for you.
Phil Wenneck: Dr. Price? Stu, you’re a dentist, okay? Don’t try and get fancy.
Stu Price: It’s not fancy if it’s true.
Phil Wenneck: [to Lisa] He’s a dentist. Don’t get too excited. And if, uh…someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911.
Lisa: We’ll be sure to do that.


Alan Garner: Could I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel’s pager-friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.
Lisa: I’m not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Bunch of payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there’s a phone in your room…
Alan Garner: That’ll work.


Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Lisa: Sure.
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm… did Caesar live here?
Lisa: Umm…no.
Alan Garner: I didn’t think so.


Stu Price: I’m gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony.
Doug Billings: Stuey, congratulations!
Stu Price: Thank you, Doug.
Doug Billings: That’s a beautiful ring.
Stu Price: Yeah. It’s my grandmother’s. She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing. It’s legit.


Phil Wenneck: Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?
Stu Price: Phil, we’ve been dating for three years. It’s time. This is how it works.
Phil Wenneck: A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch.
Doug Billings: Hey, that’s his fiancé.
Phil Wenneck: What? It’s true. It’s true. You know it’s true. She beats him.
Stu Price: That was twice, and I was out of line. She’s strong-willed. And I respect that.
Phil Wenneck: Wow. Wow. He’s in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
Doug Billings: Hey, he wasn’t a sailor. He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that.
Stu Price: Guys, just…I’m standing right here. So I can hear everything that you’re saying.


Alan Garner: Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
Phil Wenneck: What? Do what?
Alan Garner: Let the dogs out. You know, like ‘Who let the dogs out? Who, who…’
Phil Wenneck: Who brought this guy along?
Doug Billings: Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.


Phil Wenneck: You’re not really wearing that, are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?the-hangover-5
Phil Wenneck: The man-purse. You’re actually gonna wear that or are you guys fuckin’ with me?
Alan Garner: It’s where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it’s not a man-purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.


Alan Garner: I’d like uh…I’d like to say something…that I prepared…tonight.
Doug Billings: Alright, Alan.
Alan Garner: “Hello. How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So were there two…there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second. Could it be?’ And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.”
Stu Price: Alright.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: “Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine.” So tonight, I make a toast!
[he pulls out a pen knife and cuts the palm of his hand]


[making a toast]
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!



[after seeing a tiger in the bathroom Phil rushes out and falls over Phil who’s sleeping on the floor]
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck? Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
Alan Garner: Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
Phil Wenneck: Al, just calm down. It’s me.
Alan Garner: Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
Stu Price: What’s going on?
Alan Garner: There’s a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: Okay, okay, Al. Al, I’ll check it out.
Alan Garner: Don’t go in. Don’t go in, don’t go in. Be careful. Don’t, don’t.
[Phil opens the bathroom door and looks inside and quickly shuts the door]
See? See?
Phil Wenneck: Oh! Holy fuck! He’s not kidding! There’s a tiger in there!
Stu Price: No, there isn’t.
Alan Garner: Yeah! It’s big. Gigantic!


Phil Wenneck: Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.
Alan Garner: Pants at a time like this? I don’t have any pa…
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck happened last night?


Stu Price: Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
Phil Wenneck: I can’t…oh, shit.
[Phil starts to laugh. Stu picks up a mirrored tray and sees he’s missing a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God. My lateral incisor’s…it’s gone!
Phil Wenneck: It’s okay. Okay, okay. We just need to…just calm down. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. Alan, go wake up Doug.
Phil Wenneck: Let’s just get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
Stu Price: What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened.
Phil Wenneck: You’re freaking me out, man. I got a massive headache, okay? Let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.


Page   1   2      >>
Total Quotes: 132



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