Starring: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Demián Bichir, Marlon Wayans, Michael Rapaport, Jane Curtin, Spoken Reasons, Dan Bakkedahl, Taran Killam, Michael McDonald, Thomas F. Wilson, Tony Hale, Kaitlin Olson, Joey McIntyre, Michael Tucci, Bill Burr, Nathan Corddry, Jessica Chaffin, Jamie Denbo
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Action buddy cop comedy directed by Paul Feig, the story follows uptight FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) who is forced to work with foul-mouthed, hard as nails Detective Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy), to capture a drug lord, but in the process, they become the last thing anyone expected, buddies.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 152)
[first lines; on a suburban New York neighborhood, Ashburn leads a SWAT team into the home of a suspect, as they get ready to bust the house, Ashburn taps one of the officers on the shoulder and signs him an instruction]
SWAT Team Leader: Huh?
Ashburn: Oh, my God! It means, cover me and go left! Read the manual, why don’t you?
[the officer starts to go, but Ashburn stops him]
Ashburn: Wait for my three count.
[holding her fingers in the air for the countdown]
Ashburn: And one, two…
[the SWAT team ignores her and goes in to bust the suspect’s house]
[the SWAT team then busts into the suspects home]
SWAT Team Leader: FBI freeze!
SWAT Officer: FBI! Don’t move! Get on the ground!
SWAT Team Leader: Hands in the air!
SWAT Officer: Hands on your head!
[to the suspects as she enters the house after the SWAT Team]
[after the SWAT team have checked the house]
FBI Officer: We’ve checked everything. There’s nothing.
NY Agent: Well, the place is clean, Ashburn. Looks like you’re theory has a few holes in it.
[to the SWAT team]
NY Agent: Let’s role, boys.
Ashburn: So you think it’s clean, huh?
NY Agent: Oh, here we go.
Ashburn: Yeah, that’s what they said last year right before I arrested the Red Falls Killer.
[Ashburn leans down to look at a plate of ribs on the coffee table]
Ashburn: What are those, barbecue spare ribs? Is that what that is? I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Or…
[Ashburn places her hand under the table and rips out big bag of marijuana]
Ashburn: Maybe I’m not? Yeah.
[to the suspects]
Ashburn: Air tight, dipped in wax? I respect that.
[she throws the bag to the NY Agent]
Ashburn: I especially like the meat to distract the dog.
[looking at the FBI dog]
Ashburn: And while that may have fooled the loudest breather in the world, it did not fool me. And unfortunately it’s not what I’m looking for.
[to the suspects]
Ashburn: So why don’t we just cut to the chase? Are there guns in this house?
Tough Guy #1: I have no idea about any guns.
Ashburn: Interesting. Maybe I’m wrong, you know?
[watching as Ashburn walks around the room]
NY Agent: Wait for it.
Ashburn: Maybe these guys are, are right for a change.
Ashburn: Stranger things have happened, right guys?
NY Agent: No, that’s a trap.
Ashburn: Meteors, comets, somebody marrying Pete and he can’t even count to three. Oh, so frustrating.
[she walks around the room and stands by the fireplace]
Ashburn: I know they loved these houses during the Prohibition Era.
[to the suspects]
Ashburn: You guys know what Prohibition is, don’t you?
Tough Guy #2: Yeah, selling your ass for money.
NY Agent: Really?
Ashburn: No. No, it was, uh, alcohol. People loved to drink it even though they weren’t supposed to. And these houses had all these little nooks and crannies where they could hide it.
[she uses her thumb to press under the small shelf above the fireplace, which opens up a secret compartment in the wall revealing where the guns are being hidden]
Ashburn: Like this one. Is there something behind me?
[there’s a moment’s pause]
Ashburn: There is, isn’t there?
[the suspects shake their head]
Tough Guy #1: Fuck.
[to the SWAT team]
Ashburn: Now you can role.
[Ashburn starts to walk out]
[to the FBI dog]
Nice work, dick.
[as Ashburn walks out of the house, the other FBI officers are annoyed at her for how proud she is of herself, she gets into the car and goes to out on the seat belt]
Ashburn: Let’s go.
[she looks over to the driver’s seat and sees there’s no one else in the car, the other officers continue to stare at her]
NY Agent: Hard to believe she’s single.
[later at night, Ashburn is sat watching TV in her apartment holding a cat; whispering to the cat as she watches a surgery being described]
Ashburn: Wow, pretty impressive. Did you see that? Look at that? That’s pretty amazing, huh? Pretty amazing.
[she kisses the cat and then hears her neighbor calling for the cat]
Neighbor’s Voice: Pumpkin? Here, kitty, kitty. Are you at the neighbor’s again? Pumpkin? Here, kitty, kitty.
[Ashburn lets the cat out of the apartment through her patio door]
Ashburn: Go on home. See you tomorrow.
Neighbor’s Voice: Pumpkin, I told you to stay away from that weird lady.
[Ashburn goes to check her computer and sees her superior, Hale, is being promoted and sees that his former position hasn’t been determined yet, she smiles to herself]
[Ashburn goes to work the next morning and walks into Hale’s office as he’s finishing his conversation on the phone in Spanish]
Ashburn: Oh, boy. Wife doesn’t like you working late, huh?
Hale: What do you want?
Ashburn: Oh, just, uh, letting you know that I have been observing the Agents overseeing with what they’ve been up to. You know, keeping an eye on them.
Hale: Yeah, supervising them.
Ashburn: Supervising. Yes, sir.
Hale: Look, Ashburn, I haven’t made any decisions yet.
Ashburn: Oh, of course not. Every, everyone deserves a shot.
Hale: I don’t know if you are the right person for this position.
Ashburn: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, what? What? I’m confused.
Hale: Walk with me.
[Hale starts walking out of his office and Ashburn follows him]
Ashburn: Sir, I don’t, I don’t understand. I’ve closed more cases than any agent here, should I not have done that?
Hale: You are a solid agent. There are many other solid agents.
Ashburn: Well, none of them have closed the Red Falls Killer case.
Hale: Ashburn, it’s no secret that none of the other agents like you.
Hale: I’ve gotten countless complaints of arrogance and competitiveness and showmanship. Just give it a rest.
[Hale and Ashburn enter another office]
Hale: Alright, we got a situation in Boston. The Feds picked up chatter on a guy moving in, Simon Larkin. We don’t know what he looks like, where he comes from, nothing.
[shows Ashburn a photo of a man]
Hale: We believe this guys is doing the leg work for him. Julian Vincent. Nasty son of a bitch.
[Ashburn takes the photo and looks at Larkin]
Hale: Murder, extortion, this is his MO.
[Hale shows her another photo of a crime scene]
Hale: The problem with guys like that is that everyone’s scared to talk. Pack your bags, I’m sending you to Boston. You know how to get inside people’s heads. want to find Larkin, get to Julian. You do well with this, we could talk about the job.
[in Boston, Mullins is in her car keeping her eye on a man attempting to pick up a prostitute]
The John: Hey, Rojas sent me over. He said you were really nice.
Prostitute: Yeah, baby. What are you looking for?
The John: What’s your name?
Prostitute: Shenpaz, what’s your name?
The John: Shenpaz? Did your mom give you that name?
Prostitute: Not exactly.
[as Mullins is watching from her car, her police radio calls in]
Mullins: Hey, Mullins. Captain wants to know when you’re coming in.
Hey, you know what? Tell him I’ll be there sharply at a ‘go-fuck-yourself-o’clock’. Okay? If there’s no traffic, thank you.
[back to the John trying to pick up the prostitute]
The John: It seems kind of expensive.
The John: Can you break a hundred? I got a hundred right here.
Prostitute: No, baby. I’m not going to break a hundred.
[as he looks at his cash, Mullins walks up to his car]
The John: Alright, let me see.
[Mullins leans in through the driver’s side window]
Mullins: What’s going on here?
The John: Okay, I don’t want any drugs. Alright?
[to the prostitute]
Mullins: Hi, how are you doing?
[to the John]
Mullins: Are you trying to get deal on my girl here?
The John: Are you her pimp?
Mullins: No, we’re just friends. Isn’t that right?
The John: Okay, well, I think this is just kind of between her and I, so…
Mullins: Am I kind of invading your space here?
The John: Kind of.
Mullins: I don’t want to do that.
[Mullins takes her badge out of her pocket]
Mullins: Let me see if this will help you?
[she holds up her badge and the prostitute walks away]
The John: Alright, look I just wanted…
[he notices Mullins’ badge]
The John: Oh…
[he laughs nervously]
The John: It’s, uh, It’s a good thing I didn’t get the drugs from you.
[they both laugh]
Mullins: Yeah, can you imagine that?
The John: That would have been…
Mullins: That would have been crazy.
The John: That would have been bad.
[they both continue to laugh]
Mullins: That would have been bad.
The John: Yeah, right?
[he wipes his forehead]
The John: Wooh!
Mullins: You better wipe that brow. Yeah, that could have gone, that could have gone really bad, huh? Listen, um, I want you to let me see your ID there.
The John: Come on, please.
Mullins: Here, let me just take the whole thing.
[she takes his wallet]
Mullins: Yeah, it’s good. I got it.
[she looks inside his wallet]
Mullins: Oh, good. You know what? I got nervous that maybe you didn’t have a wife and a whole bunch of kids.
[she holds up his photo of his family]
Mullins: But luckily you do. What’s your wife’s name?
The John: Her name’s Bella.
Mullins: Oh, Bella. Good. Hey, can I borrow your phone for a minute? I got my, my battery’s out.
The John: Why do you want to borrow my phone?
Mullins: Because I asked you for your phone. Give me your fucking phone and shut your mouth.
[Mullins takes his phone]
[as Mullins is using his phone to call his wife]
The John: Can’t you just like give me one chance here?
Mullins: Yeah, I’ll give you one chance.
[the John’s wife, Bella, answers the phone]
Mullins: Yeah, who’s this? Is this Bella?
[the John goes to grab the phone from Mullins]
The John: No, no, no, no!
Mullins: Don’t do that. Don’t do that.
[Mullins grabs his hand and crushes it making him yell out in pain]
The John: Ow!
Mullins: Don’t do that.
The John: My God!
Mullins: Yes, this is Officer Mullins. I’m here with your husband.
[as Mullins continues to crush his hand]
The John: God, what are you, Spock?
Mullins: No. No, he’s not been in an accident. Unfortunately, I just, uh, I do have him here with a known prostitute.
The John: God! She’s lying! Bella, she’s lying!
Mullins: Oh, that’s not the first time, huh?
The John: God!
Mullins: Yeah, that’s him. He’s crying cause I’m breaking his fucking hand.
[to the John]
Mullins: Oh, she said do it harder.
[Mullins crushes his hand harder]
Mullins: Alright, Bella.
The John: Ow! God!
Mullins: That’s for Bella.
Mullins: You got to go with your instincts, Bella… Yep, you’re welcome.
[she ends the call]
[after ending the call to the John’s wife]
Mullins: Yep, she’s probably going to burn your shit today, so.
The John: Come on! Look, you don’t understand, alright? She’s just had a baby, there’s a lot going on down there, I’m not going to touch that.
Mullins: Why don’t you take your, uh, seat belt off for a minute?
The John: Come on, please. Come on.
Mullins: Yeah. No, you seem like a reasonable guy. Take your fucking belt off.
The John: You look like you got some compassion.
Mullins: Listen, I love the sound of a guy, that after his wife gives him his fifth fucking child, complains about her messy vagina. And then you don’t want to fucking touch her!
[as the John takes off his seat belt, Mullins grabs hold of him and drags him out through the open car window]
Mullins: Get out of the fucking car!
The John: Let me unlock the door for you! What the fuck, man?!
[she drags his body out of the car window]
Mullins: Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car!
[as he finally gets out of the car window]
Mullins: Get up against the car.
The John: What is your problem?!
[Mullins pushes him against the car]
The John: Can I just have my phone?
Mullins: Do you want to do that? Do you want to do that?
[she keeps pushing him against his car]
The John: Ow! My car is hot!
Mullins: Good! I hope it burns your fucking dick off!
[Mullins takes the John into custody and as she’s driving to the station she passes by the neighborhood drug dealer, Rojas]
Mullins: Hey, Rojas. My favorite asshole. Hey, look what I found.
[she points to the John sat in the back seat of her car, handcuffed]
Mullins: Oh, no. Did I take some of your business away? That’s a real shame.
Rojas: Lady, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I just stand on this corner and I’m doing my Suduko, okay?
Mullins: Oh, is that right? First of all, it’s Sudoku, dumbass. Now, you want to tell me that you’re just here coincidentally, right, right in the middle of all the prostitutes?
Rojas: Lady, tell me this. Why are you so obsessed with me? You should be ashamed of yourself trying to break down a successful black man. Are you racist?
Mullins: Don’t play that race bullshit card with me! Nine out of ten guys I fuck are black guys!
Rojas: Lady, what I think you need to do, you need to go down the road, take a vacation, okay? And go get your rue back. Lady, just relax, chill.
[he takes a puff of the joint in his hand]
Mullins: What is that?
[realizing that he’s been caught with a joint, he gives the joint to his friend sat next to him]
Rojas: Take it.
[suddenly Rojas bolts and makes a run for it]
Mullins: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
[Mullins put her car into gear and starts to chase after him]
The John: I’m not a part of this!
Mullins: Shut up! Shut up!
[Mullins chases after Rojas in her car]
The John: She’s crazy!
[as Mullins continues to chase after Rojas in her car]
The John: Can you please let me out, I get really car sick. Please, please, please!
Mullins: Oh, no! That’s terrible.
[she continues to chase after Rojas]
Mullins: Now, I got him. I got him!
[as Rojas runs in from the next street he suddenly runs into Mullins car]
The John: My God!
Mullins: Hey, look who’s here?
Rojas gets off the car and starts running again, Mullins chases after him and laughs]
Mullins: Yeah, you better run.
[she eventually manages to corner him as he falls, she stops her car]
Mullins: I got him! I got him!
[she gets out of the car and runs after him as Rojas starts to run again]
Mullins: Shit, I said stop.
[Rojas starts to climb over the fence]
Mullins: I said, I said stop! I said stop!
[she grabs hold his leg and Rojas gets stuck on top of the fence]
Rojas: Crushing my balls!
Mullins: I hope they fucking rupture!
Rojas: Lady, get the fuck off me!
[as Rojas tries to push Mullins away they both fall over the fence and onto the ground; at the same moment, the John in Mullins car escapes through the open car window and runs off]
The John: Bella, I’m sorry!
[as Mullins and Rojas fall over the fence, Mullins grabs hold of Rojas’ leg]
Rojas: Let me go!
Mullins: I’ll show you, you piece of shit!
Rojas: My leg, lady! Let me go!
[Rojas manages to rise and starts dragging himself away from Mullins]
Rojas: Lady, what the hell is wrong with you?
[Rojas frees himself from Mullins and starts limping away]
Mullins: I’ll tell you what the hell is the matter with me! It’s you, you piece of shit! Son of a bitch! Stop moving!
[Rojas limps away from her and starts throwing fruit at Mullins from the nearby truck selling fruit]
Rojas: Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Get off me!
[Mullins picks up a watermelon and throws it at Rojas, it hits him in his back and he falls to the ground]
[Mullins starts handcuffing Rojas]
Rojas: Lady, what the hell did you throw at me?
Mullins: A watermelon.
Rojas: A watermelon! Oh, hell! Ah, see, I told you, you was a racist!
Mullins: Yeah, I tried to hit you with my car. What’s that make me? Yeah, let’s see what you got…
[Mullins checks his trouser pockets]
Mullins: Oh, look at this! Look at this! Not even my Birthday!
[she takes out little bags of drugs]
Rojas: Hey, man! You planted that shit on me, man!
Mullins: Yeah, I planted that shit.
Rojas: You planted that on me! I’m innocent!
Mullins: Shut up before I beat you with a watermelon. Get up!
[Ashburn arrives at the FBI Boston Field Office, she walks up to FBI Agent, Levy]
Ashburn: Federal Agent Sarah Ashburn from New York Field Office.
[she extends her hand to Levy and they shake hands]
Levy: Hi, how are you?
Ashburn: I’m going to need all your files on all known drug dealers of the area.
Levy: Right. we heard you were coming, actually was expecting you.
[he hands her the files]
Levy: Let me show you to your desk.
Ashburn: Oh, that won’t be necessary. I won’t be here long.
Ashburn: So I can carry these.
Ashburn: Thank you.
[outside the FBI building, Ashburn is sat in her car outside, looking for her car keys]
Ashburn: Where is it?
[Levy runs out the building carrying a file, he runs towards Ashburn’s car]
Levy: Hey, Ashburn! Ashburn!
[Ashburn turns as she hears her name being called, but hits her head against the car window]
Ashburn: Oh, God.
[Ashburn holds her head and rolls down the window]
Levy: You okay?
Ashburn: What? What is it? What is it?
Levy: Okay, low end dealer just brought into the East Boston Precinct, name’s Terrell Rojas.
[Levy gives the file to Ashburn and she looks inside]
Ashburn: Oh. Well, okay. Good. Thank you very much.
[Ashburn puts the file in her bag]
Levy: Good luck out there.
Ashburn: It’s not about luck, pal. It’s not about luck.
[Ashburn starts to drive off but immediately breaks the car as the car in front of her is sat in traffic]
Levy: Wow, that was almost cool. Almost.
[Levy chuckles to himself and turns to walk back into the FBI building, he looks back at Ashburn and sees she’s whistling, pretending not to be embarrassed and checking her watch]
[Mullins drives up to the Boston Police Department]
Mullins: Come on, come on, come on. Are we going to fucking park today? Alright, here we go. Finally.
[as Mullins pulls into the side in order to park her car, at that moment Ashburn arrives and takes her parking spot]
Mullins: Hey! I’m moving in there!
[Ashburn gets out of her car]
Mullins: No, don’t! Hey, hey, hey! No! Get back in your car!
[Ashburn walks by and waves to Mullins, not realizing what she’s done, and walks towards the Police Department]
Mullins: Hey! Hey! Hey, asshole! Goddammit!
[Mullins drives off in anger]
[Mullins walks into the Boston Police Department holding up her FBI badge]
Desk Sergeant: Hey, you need to sign in.
[Ashburn ignores him and walks up to a cop’s sat at his desk]
Ashburn: Captain Woods?
[the cop points to Woods and Ashburn walks up to him]
Ashburn: Captain Woods?
[quietly to himself]
Captain Woods: Oh, Christ.
Captain Woods: Uh, how can I help you?
[Ashburn holds up her badge]
Ashburn: Special Agent Sarah Ashburn. We got intel recently that you brought in a dealer by the name of Terrell Rojas.
Captain Woods: Uh, yeah, but Detective Mullins isn’t back from lunch yet.
Ashburn: I’m sure he won’t mind.
Captain Woods: Well he’s a she, and we’re not really allowed to go near her collars.
Ashburn: Let me tell you what I think. I think that every second we’re standing here is interfering with a federal investigation. So, if you’d be so kind as to show me Mr. Rojas to an interrogation room. Thank you.
[Ashburn turns and starts walking off]
Captain Woods: Special Agent?
[Ashburn turns back]
Captain Woods: This way.
[Ashburn starts walking off and goes the wrong way again]
Captain Woods: Special Agent?
[Woods points to the door, he opens the door and Ashburn walks out and starts walking in the wrong direction again]
Captain Woods: Special Agent?
[Ashburn turns and follows Woods]
[Mullins manages to find a parking space between two police cars, but as she goes to open her door, she finds the space is too narrow and her car door hits the police car next to hers]
[in the interrogation room, Ashburn starts interrogating Rojas]
Ashburn: You are looking at possession with intent, which is a Class D drug charge, Chapter 94C, Section 32A.
Rojas: I had a joint and few little bags of coke. Since when is that shit illegal?
Ashburn: The answer to your question is always. And with your priors, you are looking at twenty-five years in some pretty stiff fines.
Rojas: Who the hell cares about fines? That’s twenty-five years!
Ashburn: Never mind, let’s see what you make of these. Huh?
[Ashburn places some crime photos on the desk in front of Rojas]
Ashburn: What do you make of these? What I make of them is that somebody doesn’t want somebody else selling on their turf. But you’re still here and you’re alive. Why is that? Who are you working for?
Ashburn: Who are you working for?
Ashburn: Who are you working for?
Rojas: Nobody! If I tell you, that’s my ass chopped up into million motherfucking pieces!
[back in the parking lot, Mullins tries to get out of her car on the passenger side, but as she opens the door it hits the car next to hers as the space is too narrow]
Mullins: Oh, dammit!
[Mullins starts getting out of the car window]
[as she movies her body out of her car window she pushes herself through the open car window of the police car next to hers]
Mullins: Motherfucker! Fucking park in my parking spot. Goddammit! Shit! Suit wearing God…
[she hits the steering wheel as she’s crawling through the car]
Mullins: Ow! Fuck.
[she manages to open the car door on the other side and get out]
Mullins: I said I’d fucking park in there, and she does in my Goddamn fucking space.
[as she gets out of the car she starts slamming the car door shut in anger]
[back in the interrogation room with Ashburn and Rojas]
Ashburn: I don’t want you to do time. I don’t want you to get chopped up into little tiny mother-f-ing pieces. Oh. I can protect you. I can. But you got to help me.
Rojas: I can help you.
Ashburn: You’re going to help me?
Ashburn: Tell me where to find Julian?
Rojas: I don’t deal with him like that. I get my stuff from this bitch named Tatiana on Newkirk Avenue.
Ashburn: Can you describe her to me?
Rojas: She got brown eyes.
Rojas: She got some big ass breasteses, big breasteses.
Ashburn: Okay. Can you maybe be a little bit more specific?
[he holds out his hands in front of his chest, showing her the size of Tatiana’s breasts]
Rojas: Her breasteses is like this.
Ashburn: Okay. Thank you.
[Mullins enters the Police Department in a foul mood, as she walks past a cop]
[she walks past two cops talking to each other and laughing, she mocks their laughter]
Mullins: Oh, yeah! We’re at a comedy party. Yeah, move the fuck out of my way! Get a room.
[walking down the corridor]
Mullins: Tim, you still owe me forty! Yeah, tomorrow it’s sixty! Fucking dick weed.
[she walks into the cell holding area and notices the cell where Rojas was kept is empty]
Mullins: Why is the cage empty? What have I told you about moving my prisoners?
Precinct Officer: He’s in interrogation.
Mullins: Why would he be in interrogation when I’m standing right here?
Precinct Officer: They came and got him.
Mullins: Who’s ‘they’? It better be two of me. Is it two of me?
Precinct Officer: There’s a lady, she was…
Mullins: I’m a lady, did I come and get him?
Precinct Officer: No, no. It was a different lady, she was nice.
Mullins: I’m fucking nice.
Precinct Officer: I know.
Mullins: Why was she nice to you?
Precinct Officer: She made me give her the keys.
Mullins: I’m going to make you fucking bend over, and I’m going to reach up your ass into your pocket and get the keys to your house. And then I’m going to drive there, come in your front fucking door and kill you in your sleep.
[back in the interrogation room]
Ashburn: I think I have a clear idea of what we’re looking for and I appreciate your time…
[at that moment Mullins opens the door to the interrogation room and enters]
Mullins: Wow, lady. You’re on a real fucking roll.
Ashburn: Excuse me? I…
Mullins: Yeah. No, I won’t excuse you. I just spent the last thirty minutes thinking of different ways to kill you.
Ashburn: I’m sorry. When did we meet?
Mullins: What is this, your lawyer?
Mullins: What are you, an insurance salesman? Do you sell those shitty suits?
Ashburn: I’m Special Agent Sarah Ashburn. How can I help you?
Mullins: You can get all of that.
[pointing to her]
Mullins: Get it up, and get it the fuck out of here, cause this is my room.
Ashburn: Were you, were you about to be, uh, questioned by a detective?
Mullins: I am a detective, and that’s my perp.
Ashburn: Ah. I understand now. Well, um, Detective, Mr. Rojas will be continuing on with me at this point.
Ashburn: It’s a jurisdictional issue.
Mullins: No. Not going to happen.
Ashburn: So, uh, you’re, you’re efforts are duly noted. Thank you so much.
Mullins: Oh, great.
Ashburn: And if you’re okay with everything, could you just, just maybe close the door on the way out?
Mullins: I’ll shut the door on you. And you lay down here, put your head in the door? And I’ll slam it about a hundred and fifty-seven thousand fucking times.
Rojas: Oh, shit, girl. You better run.
Mullins: You need to shut your mouth.
Rojas: Run like you’re on fire.
Ashburn: You need to be quite.
Mullins: You’re going to get up and we’re going to settle this outside.
Ashburn: Okay. I’m, I won’t be going outside.
Mullins: You’re going to get up, and you’re going to come outside.
Ashburn: No, ma’am. Not going outside.
Mullins: Fine. We’ll do this inside.
[Mullins goes to shut the door, Ashburn rises from her seat]
Ashburn: Will somebody please remove this person from the interrogation room?
[Mullins closes the door and faces Ashburn]
Ashburn: Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, it runs in many families.
Mullins: I’m going to hit you.
Ashburn: You’re not going to hit me. Please don’t.
Mullins: I’m going to hit you and knock all your little buttons. I’m going to hit you here…
[Mullins points her finger at Ashburn’s chest]
Ashburn: Do not put your finger…
Mullins: Or here…
Ashburn: Do not put your finger in my…
Mullins: Knock our little buttons.
Ashburn: Stop touching my buttons. Stop touching my buttons.
Mullins: Then stop wearing them!
Ashburn: Stop it!
[Ashburn knocks Mullins hand aside]
Mullins: Don’t you move those fucking hands at me.
[suddenly they start hitting each other’s hands, at that moment Woods walks into the room]
Captain Woods: Hey, hey, hey!
[as they continue to hit each other’s hands]
Mullins: I’ll take that bow right out of your fucking hair…!
Captain Woods: Stop! Stop! Stop!
[Woods comes in between them]
Captain Woods: Stop. Hey, both of you, my office now.
[in Woods office Mullins walks around pretending to look for something]
Mullins: No, not in there.
There’s nothing I could do, Mullins. The FBI has jurisdiction.
[Mullins picks up some files from Woods desk]
Mullins: Maybe they’re in here.
Oh, come on.
Mullins: Maybe there in here. No.
Captain Woods: Will you stop? Will you stop?
[Mullins picks up Woods coffee flash and shakes it]
Mullins: No. They’re not in there.
Ashburn: What is she doing?
Mullins: They’re not under there.
Captain Woods: She’s looking for my balls.
[Mullins opens the office door and shouts out to the other officers]
Mullins: Hey, if anyone’s seen the Captain’s balls, let me know. They’re about this big…
[holds up her fingers to show a tiny size]
Mullins: But a lot tinier. They’re like a pea, or like a, like a ball bearing, or like, if you’ve ever seen a mouse ball, about half that size. Incredibly tiny, they’re like really, really tiny little girl balls, if little girls had balls. So if you find little tiny girl balls, they’re so fucking tiny, and shriveled up, let me know, cause I’ll put them right back up his scrotum!
[she shuts the office door]
[after Mullins has finished berating woods in front of the other officers]
Captain Woods: Knock it off, Mullins!
Mullins: How about you do something for once?
Captain Woods: What do you want me to do?!
Mullins: Oh, I’d like you to have my back and stop being so Goddamn disappointing, like everybody else!
[Mullins kicks Ashburn’s bag on the floor]
Ashburn: Oh, well that was professional.
Mullins: Oh, was that not professional? Here, let me, let me be professional.
[she picks up Ashburn’s bag from the floor, holding it upside down, making all the contents of the bag drop out]
Mullins: Let me help you pick up your bag.
[she then throws the empty bag to the floor]
Ashburn: That’s very mature.
Mullins: Let me just straighten it.
[she bends down and starts moving Ashburn’s stuff around on the floor, then she picks up a small box of pills and holds it up]
Mullins: Hey! Hey! Good news!
[she turns around and shouts to the other officers]
Mullins: Good news! I found his balls!
[she throws the pills at Woods]
Mullins: Enjoy that! Shove those back up there!
[Mullins turns and opens the office door]
Mullins: Cop of the year!
[she shuts the door and starts walking off]
Mullins: Keep it up!
[after Mullins leaves Woods office, Ashburn’s starts picking up her things from the floor]
Captain Woods: This job is destroying me. Do you know how old I am?
Ashburn: Uh, fifty-eight?
Captain Woods: I’m forty-three years old.
Ashburn: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, I always, see I always round up.
Captain Woods: I have a five year old son who calls me grandpa!
[Ashburn looks awkward]
Ashburn: So, uh, anyhoo, uh, sir, if, um, if you could just, you know, keep her away from me, that would be, be very helpful.
[Ashburn looks for her car keys in her bag and can’t find them]
Captain Woods: She stole your keys, didn’t she?
Ashburn: Yes, she did. Do you know where I can find her?
Captain Woods: She probably at O’Flanagan’s, it’s a bar down the street. Now, it’s a little divey, you might want to wear a vest.
[Ashburn turns and leave walks out of the office]
[Ashburn walks over the bar that Woods mentioned and sees a person that looks like Mullins from behind sat at a table, Ashburn walks over to the table]
Ashburn: Hand them over, give me the keys. Now.
[the person turns and sees it’s a man]
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
[Mullins is sat behind her at the bar, she dangles Ashburn’s keys in front of her]
Mullins: Did you drop something?
[to the man at the table]
Ashburn: Apologize. Apologies.
[Ashburn walks over to Mullins and takes her car keys]
Ashburn: If you are so concerned about taking down a guy like Rojas, when we have just wasted all this time, when I could have stopped a drug lord who’s far more dangerous and supplies to people like Rojas.
Ashburn: Oh, really?
Ashburn: Oh, okay. Do you want to see some bull feces?
[she takes out a file from her bag]
Mullins: I think I said bullshit, is what I said.
Ashburn: Here you go, here’s some bull poo-poo. How’s this for some bull feces?
[Ashburn takes out some photos of dead bodies from the file and holds them up to show Mullins]
Ashburn: How does that look, huh? See that?
[a woman holding a child walks up behind Mullins and looks at the photo’s]
Woman with Kid: Oh, come on. I got a kid here.
Ashburn: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m very sorry, very sorry.
[the woman walks off]
Ashburn: Wait a minute, this is a bar!
[Mullins starts looking through Ashburn’s file]
Ashburn: No, absolutely not. No, no, no.
[she takes the file away from Mullins]
Ashburn: No, no, no, no…
Mullins: Why do I not know who Simon Larkin is?
Ashburn: Uh, that would probably be because the FBI knows more than you do.
Mullins: Uh, anything that’s happening in my neighborhood I have a right to know.
Ashburn: Uh, no, you actually don’t. You want to know, and you do not have the clearance that would allow you to read everything that is on this file. Okay?
[Ashburn turns and starts walking away]
Mullins: Okay. Alright. When bad shit happens in my neighborhood I get a little passionate about it. I shouldn’t have read your files, I went too far.
[Ashburn walks back toward Mullins]
Ashburn: Well, I accept your apology. But you need to understand that this is a highly important case, and the information is highly, highly sensitive. Therefore, we have these clearances…
Mullins: I don’t have the clearances. I don’t have the clearances, right? I mean, you’re, you are, wow, FBI.
Mullins: And you are, you’re a Goddamn angel of the law.
Ashburn: Well, I, that’s a little…
Mullins: No, I want you to spread those wings out and just sore…
[Mullins notices a woman walking past them and suddenly pushes her]
Ashburn: Well, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s certainly not…
[the woman Mullins pushed turns in anger towards Ashburn, Mullins points her finger at Ashburn]
Drunk Woman: Hey!
[the woman pushes Ashburn]
Drunk Woman: Watch it!
[Ashburn turns and faces the woman]
Ashburn: You watch it, I’m a federal agent.
Drunk Woman: Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? You dick! I’m a federal agent too!
[as Ashburn is distracted, Mullins uses this opportunity to steal the file from her bag]
Drunk Woman: I work at the Post Office!
Ashburn: Well, I appreciate the work you do for us down on the ground. Thank you. Thank you.
Drunk Woman: You bet your ass you do.
[the woman turns and starts walking away]
Ashburn: I can see no one will be getting their mail today, wow.
Mullins: Good burn. Good burn. You got burned, you big drunk patty!
[the woman shouts from the other side of the bar]
Drunk Woman: Eat my fucking Irish ass!
Ashburn: So, we are, we are good?
[Mullins extends her hand toward Ashburn and Ashburn shakes it]
Mullins: Thank you.
Ashburn: Thank you.
Mullins: Hey, America thanks you.
Ashburn: And I, it.
Mullins: And it, you.
Ashburn: Thank you.
[Ashburn turns to walk out the door, Mullins silently cheers her]
Ashburn: Yes. Okay. Good day.
[Ashburn leaves the bar, Mullins then takes out the file she stole from Ashburn]
[Mullins visits her brother Jason in prison]
Mullins: So how you been, Jason? You want to talk about Simon Larkin?
Jason Mullins: No, I never heard of him.
Mullins: Don’t fucking lie to me. You’re my Goddamn brother, I know when you’re lying.
Jason Mullins: I’m just a low level guy, okay? I heard of Larkin, but I never met him.
Mullins: Yeah, well he’s a Goddamn animal and I’m trying to keep him from meeting you.
Jason Mullins: What, are you going to storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?
Mullins: Yeah, I might. Have you met me?
Jason Mullins: Yeah, unfortunately.
Mullins: Yeah, shut up.
Jason Mullins: Look, I get out tomorrow. Okay, I’m coming home, I’m going to be fine. I promise, alright?
[Ashburn drives to the home of Tatiana, Rojas’ drug supplier, and finds Mullins already there sat in her car, she walks over to Mullins car and knocks on her car window, this makes Mullins jump and she point her gun at Ashburn]
Ashburn: Oh, Jesus!
Mullins: Never approach me if I’m not expecting you!
Ashburn: Jesus Christ! What are you, an animal?! Hey, you know what? You said you would stay off my case and where do I find you? Right here. Right here in front of Tatiana’s apartment.
Mullins: What? I live here.
Ashburn: Oh, okay. That’s hilarious. Yeah, okay. You know what’s not funny? That you stole a confidential FBI case file.
Mullins: Oh, that’s funny. I don’t remember any of that.
Ashburn: I’m going to say this one more time. Stand down, officer.
Mullins: Fuck off, officer.
Ashburn: Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you’ve really done it. I’m going to call my boss.
Mullins: Yeah, you do that, tattle tits!
[Ashburn starts walk away]
Mullins: Fucking nark!
Ashburn: Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
[Ashburn calls Hale, she turns to look at Mullins and Mullins gives her the finger]
Ashburn: It’s Ashburn, sir. I’m going to need authorization to suspend a police officer from my investigation, sir.
Hale: Ashburn, why is working with local authorities a problem for you?
Ashburn: Sir, it’s not. I understand how this might sound coming from me, but I think this individual might actually be mentally unstable.
Hale: According to her Captain, she grew up on those streets and she knows them better than anyone. That’s seems like an asset to our investigation.
Ashburn: Sir, I…
Hale: No, no, no, just work with her. Just show me you can do this or forget the promotion.
[Hale ends the call, but Ashburn pretend to carry on the conversation as she walks over to Mullins]
Ashburn: Well, sir, no need, no need to take someone’s badge. I think I can, uh, I think I can work something out, sir. Alright. Thank you. Bye bye.
[she pretends to end the call as she stands by Mullins car]
Ashburn: You know, uh, I just, I think just, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot.
Ashburn: I don’t know Boston, you obviously have a lot of resources and a lot of knowledge about the area. That could be, you know, could be useful.
Mullins: Probably very.
Ashburn: So, uh, maybe we can work together on this.
Mullins: Yeah, I don’t need your help to take down Larkin.
Ashburn: You know, you wouldn’t even have known about Larkin if it wasn’t for me. So obviously I can get information that you can’t, okay? And there’s a lot more where that comes from, a lot.
Mullins: Maybe I just need to hear a little ‘I need your help, Mullins.’
Ashburn: No, I won’t be doing that.
Mullins: Okay, well, get your ass back in your car.
Ashburn: Okay, this is ridiculous. Okay? I’m an FBI agent, you’re a police officer, I’m not…
Mullins: ‘I need your help, Mullins.’
Ashburn: I need your help, Mullins.
Mullins: Oh, God. What is this? Is this a whisper party? I want that third floor to hear it. ‘I need your help, Mullins.’ And then maybe you can give me a little echo on the ‘Mullins’.
[Ashburn pauses for a moment before saying loudly]
Ashburn: I need your help, Mullins, Mullins, Mullins, Mullin, Mullin…
[Mullins opens her car door and starts getting out]
Mullins: Move, move, move! God! Even doing that you’re annoying. I will work with you as long as we are clear that this is my case.
Ashburn: That’s actually not correct.
[Mullins starts walking off]
Ashburn: This isn’t your…
Mullins: Awesome. Glad you see it my way.
[as they cross the street to go to Tatiana’s apartment building, Ashburn distracts Mullins and walks ahead of her]
Ashburn: Careful of the car.
[they both run towards the apartment building door and try to open the door at the same time]
Mullins: Stand down, I got it.
Ashburn: Will you just…will you just let go.
Mullins: I got it.
Ashburn: I have it.
Mullins: I got it.
Ashburn: Just let…
Mullins: I got it.
[neither lets go of the door and they both open it and walk into the building together]
[as they are walking up the stairs to Tatiana’s apartment they see a woman come out of her apartment with a bucket of dirty water and she throws the water over the balcony]
Ashburn: Ma’am, you, uh…
[the woman ignores her and goes back into her apartment]
Mullins: Just go, just go.
[they then reach Tatiana’s door]
Ashburn: Okay, now just let me take the lead on this. I’m a trained interviewer.
Mullins: Interviewer? What are you, fucking Barbara Walters? I just thought we were going to go in there and bring in some heat on.
Ashburn: I’m sorry. What does, what does that even mean? What does that mean?
Mullins: Me and you, we’re ‘the heat’. We go in there, we interrogate her, we scare the shit out of her.
Ashburn: See, we don’t say interrogation, it’s much too aggressive. Rule number one, catch more with sugar than the stick.
Mullins: That’s a horrible fucking saying.
Ashburn: Okay, well, what we like to do is, is create a genuine personal interest in the subject allowing them to open up. But from then I’m going to, uh, perform instant personality assessment based on Myers-Briggs theory, uh, Thematic Apperception Test, and a few, well, few others I won’t, I won’t bore you with.
Mullins: Oh, my God. Well that’s, I am balls deep in boredom. Alright, as long as you don’t do that whole Goddamn long explanation again, we’ll try it your way first. Only because you’re older.
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
[Ashburn and Mullins both knock on Tatiana’s door until she opens the door]
Ashburn: Tatiana Krumula, I’m Special Agent Sarah Ashburn and this is Detective Mullins…
[at the same time Mullins holds out her badge]
Mullins: Detective Mullins.
Ashburn: Detective Mullins. And we’d like to ask you a few questions, if you could give us a moment.
Tatiana: Oh, sure. You know, now is bad.
Tatiana: I’m making butter.
Ashburn: Oh, oh…
Tatiana: How about another time?
Ashburn: Well if you could just give us…
[Tatiana goes to shut the door, but Mullins stops her]
Mullins: How about right fucking now?
Ashburn: You know, if you could just give us…
Mullins: How’s that?
[Mullins barges into the apartment pushing Ashburn aside]
Mullins: Right fucking now!
[Tatiana takes them into her living room]
Ashburn: Well, Tatiana, thank you. This is very kind of you.
[they sit on the couch and Ashburn takes out her notebook]
Ashburn: So, how long have you lived here?
Tatiana: I’ve lived here since I moved in.
[Ashburn makes a note in her book]
Ashburn: Okay, that’s very very helpful. Okay, we’ll get a little bit more specific. Uh, what do you do for a living?
Mullins: I know what this asshole does for a living.
Tatiana: What you know, asshole?
Ashburn: Okay, sugar, no stick.
Ashburn: It is Bulgarian, is it not?
Tatiana: No, I’m fucking French.
Mullins: Oh, jeez.
[Ashburn starts speaking in Bulgarian]
Tatiana: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Mullins: Nice bullshit Bulgarian.
Ashburn: Okay, you know what? That was perfect Bulgarian.
Tatiana: I mean, I don’t understand what you’re talking about? Why I go to jail when I don’t do shit?
Ashburn: Ah! Okay. So, she did understand what I was saying. She just didn’t understand the context in which I said it, right?
Tatiana: Oh, sweet God.
Mullins: Okay. Okay. Alright, Rosetta Stone, you’re done.
[Mullins sits next to Tatiana on the couch and she sinks in]
Mullins: Oh, Jesus. How many porns have been made on this couch?
Tatiana: Oh, this couch not up to your satisfaction? You’re not comfy?
Mullins: I’ll get comfy, when my foot’s up your ass.
Mullins: That’ll make me really comfy.
[turning to Ashburn]
Mullins: Don’t poke me. Don’t poke me.
[turning to Tatiana]
Mullins: Listen, Tatiana, I want to get really real. You ready to get real, Tatiana?
Tatiana: Let’s get real.
Mullins: Okay, we both know you’ve been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, I get it. There’s nothing more I’d love to do, than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, real good time, maybe couple of cold ones, some chip and deep, watch some cartoons. I then get a big bowl of fucking coke, I just put my face right in it, cut it with a little Ritalin. Heaven on fucking earth, right?
Mullins: I’d camp out all week for tickets to that show.
Ashburn: Hey, what, what is this, Training Day?
Mullins: All fucking week I’d camp out for that. But you, you piece of shit, you’ve been rolling deep for a long time. And now it’s time you open up that Goddamn mouth and tell us what we want to know.
Tatiana: You got good point. I tell you what, I open my mouth, you get the fuck out of my house now! How’s that for open mouth? Fuck out! Get fuck out!
Mullins: I’ll get the fuck out, slut.
[as Mullins rises from the couch, she pushes the full ashtray toward Ashburn]
Mullins: You should really stop smoking, cause, uh, it’s an awfully bad habit. You’re leaving half your lipstick in the ashtray.
[Ashburn notices that in the full ashtray one cigarette that’s different to Tatiana’s]
Mullins: I had a, uh, great aunt who lost most of her teeth to, uh, smoking.
Tatiana: Good to know.
Mullins: A lot of fist fights too, but, uh, mostly smoking. You know what, we’re going to get out of your hair. So we’re just going to…
[Mullins points to the closed door in front of her]
Tatiana: That is not front door.
[suddenly Mullins kicks in the closed door, there’s a woman sat on the toilet, Mullins points her gun and shouts]
Mullins: Put your hands where I can fucking see them! Don’t fucking move!
[Ashburn uses this opportunity to get the cigarette from the ashtray]
Mullins: What is this, your drug mule?
Ashburn: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my goodness!
Tatiana: That’s my mother!
Mullins: Huh, did you blow a horse up your ass?
Tatiana: You broke my fucking door!
[Ashburn comes up behind Mullins and pushes her arm down]
Ashburn: Stand down, officer.
Mullins: Who closes the door to take a shit?
Tatiana: Get out! Get out now!
Mullins: I’ll get out.
[Mullins throws a piece of Tatiana’s clothing at her as she walks off]
Tatiana: Don’t touch my underpants! Get out, bull in china shop. Out of my house. What the fuck’s wrong with you?
[Ashburn and Mullins leave her apartment]
[after leaving Tatiana’s apartment]
Ashburn: Wow, you are just all stick and no sugar.
Mullins: Did you get the cigarette or not?
Ashburn: Uh, yeah, yeah. Of course I did.
Mullins: Yeah. I snagged these matches too. I think our guy likes to go to Club Ekko.
[they start walking down the stairs, Ashburn takes out a plastic bag for the matches]
Ashburn: Okay, hold on.
Ashburn: Yes, yes, really. Let’s find out, shall we?
Mullins: Alright. Hang on. I touched a specimen, I need to wash my hands.
[Mullins opens the apartment door next to her and enters inside]
Ashburn: Wait a minute. You do live here?
Mullins: That’s what I said.
[Ashburn walks into the apartment and looks around]
Ashburn: Oh. Wow, your windows are all boarded up.
Mullins: Yeah, I’ve got the glass. I just don’t have the, you know, the window blankets.
Ashburn: The curtains? You mean the curtains?
Mullins: Whatever. Okay?
[Ashburn notices a family photo on Mullins apartment wall]
Mullins: That’s just my family.
Ashburn: Oh, yeah. That’s sweet.
Mullins: You want something to eat? I didn’t finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.
Ashburn: Oh, God, no. Thank you. Thank you.
Mullins: Well, I’m sorry I don’t have poached eggs in rubies for you.
Ashburn: No, I don’t, I don’t mean to be rude. But one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that’s all.
Mullins: Yeah, what part of that wasn’t rude?
Ashburn: Just for your, for your own wellbeing. I mean, for example, that door. That door has absolutely no way of locking. Someone could barge in at any moment, it’s not safe…
Mullins: No one’s coming in here, cause they know I keep this fully stocked.
[she opens her refrigerator which is fully stocked in weapons]
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
Mullins: Yeah, I know.
[looking at the guns in the refrigerator]
Ashburn: A Marlin 1894 CB?
Ashburn: Is that a FN PS90?
Mullins: Yeah. Nice one.
Ashburn: You have all this in your house?
Mullins: Yeah. You didn’t even mention my baby. Look at this?
[she takes out an RPG]
Ashburn: Wow. Oh. Wow.
Mullins: My little pride and joy. Yeah. This little beauty could vaporize an above ground pool. If you didn’t want the pool anymore, you know?
Ashburn: No kidding.
Mullins: Pretty, huh?
Ashburn: Yeah. How do you refuse that sales pitch, huh?
Mullins: You don’t, unless you’re an asshole.
[Ashburn picks up a grenade]
Ashburn: I haven’t seen one of these since World War II.
Mullins: No! God, that occasionally ticks. Put it back slowly, slowly!
[Ashburn moves her hand to place the grenade back in the refrigerator]
Ashburn: I’m sorry.
Mullins: Like half that speed.
Ashburn: God, okay.
Mullins: Half that speed!
[Ashburn moves really slowly to place the grenade pack]
Mullins: Stop shaking, put your pinky down.
[Ashburn finally puts the grenade back in its place and Mullins closes the refrigerator door]
Mullins: I got it on eBay, it was supposed to be bigger and different. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to bad feedback his ass, so.
[Ashburn and Mullins are at the FBI Boston Field Office meeting with Levy]
Levy: Alright, ladies. Here’s the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana’s. We pulled two sets of prints, first ones a real nut job. Look at this, reckless driving, assault, arson
[they all look at the monitor and see that it’s a photo of Mullins next to the finger prints]
Levy: Oh, God.
[referring to Levy]
Mullins: Who the fuck is this guy?
Ashburn: He’s my assistant. What…
Levy: Uh, you know I’m an agent, right?
Mullins: It was a drug house.
Ashburn: I really feel the need to finish reading your files, because this is just…
Mullins: I feel the need for you to stay out of my business so don’t I don’t punch you in the teeth.
Ashburn: Okay. Okay. Alright.
Ashburn: What did you find out about the cigarette?
Levy: Okay. Hank LeSoire, local business man, got tons of ties to the drug world, black market as well as prostitution rings, co-owner of Club Ekko.
Ashburn: Let’s see if we can find our distributor.
[Mullins leans in front of Ashburn as she goes LeSoire’s photo on the computer]
Ashburn: Can you back that up please?
Mullins: Back up to which way?
[Ashburn taps Mullins breast, which is leaning against her arm]
Mullins: Hey! I’m not into you!
Ashburn: Your breast is invading my space.
Mullins: Well, keep your finger out of my areola!
Ashburn: Well, contain your areola!
[Mullins hits Ashburn on her breast]
Mullins: There, now we’re even.
[looking at LeSoire’s photo’s which shows him talking on his cell phone in each of the photos]
Ashburn: Well, he looks like a real Chatty Cathy. Did you tap the phone?
Levy: I haven’t been able to. The guy gets a new prepaid every other week, by the time I can get his phone number and hack in he’s got a new one.
Mullins: Well, let’s get a bug on the when this guy does have. I want to know what he’s saying this week.
Ashburn: Yeah, just get a court order and a bug and we’ll just do it ourselves.
Levy: If you’re going to boss me around you can at least buy me dinner first.
Levy: Okay. Cool.
[Ashburn turns and walks away]
Levy: I’ll get that to you ASAP.
Mullins: You got to work on your game, that was weak.
Levy: What? I thought I was being charming.
Mullins: I don’t know what to say to that. Now I just feel bad for you.
[Ashburn and Mullins walk out of the FBI building and walking down the street]
Ashburn: Okay. So, LeSoire co-owns Club Ekko. Let’s get over there and start surveilling and figure out how to get that bug in his phone. Tell me everything you know about it?
Mullins: It’s just a shitty club down town, I’ve never been inside of it, but there was always a line of awful people around the corner and they’ve called PD a couple of times to break up fights. Oh, shit.
Ashburn: What’s wrong?
Mullins: Just don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look! Just act like we’re talking.
[a man selling stuff on the sidewalk turns as he sees Mullins]
Robin: Hey, Shannon.
Mullins: Hey, Robin.
Robin: I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon, and then you just disappeared on me.
Mullins: Yeah, I know, I was there.
Robin: Well, can I take you to dinner and a movie or something?
Mullins: Oh, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean there’s a girl out there for you, but it’s not, it’s not me.
[referring to Ashburn, who’s standing next to her]
Mullins: Maybe it’s her. Her lady business is like an old dirty attic full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don’t you clean that out for her?
[Mullins starts walking off; to Robin as she starts to walks away]
Ashburn: Uh, that’s a, that’s a misrepresentation of my vagina.
[Ashburn catches up with Mullins]
Ashburn: Ah, well. What was that about?
Mullins: I sleep with the guy one time and he wants to get married to you. Jesus Christ.
Ashburn: Yeah, I know what you mean.
[as they continue walking down the street a car pulls up beside them and honks its horn, they see a woman giving the finger to Mullins as she drives by]
Ashburn: Who is that?
Mullins: My mom.
[later that night, Mullins and Ashburn are staking out outside Club Ekko, Mullins is listening to the baseball game on the radio and as she turns the volume up, Ashburn turns off the radio]
Ashburn: How about I tell you a little something about myself?
Mullins: Oh, God.
Ashburn: Let’s see, I went to undergrad at Yale. I have been with the Bureau for about twelve years. Um, up for a promotion. See I caught the, uh, I caught the Red Falls killer.
Mullins: Yeah, I remember thinking that guy was innocent.
Ashburn: Yeah, he’s been in jail for eleven months. So I may be a horrible person if any of what you said was actually factual.
Mullins: Well, you can just tell the judge you fucked up.
Ashburn: I didn’t. I did not F up.
Mullins: Listen, don’t get your panties in a wad.
Ashburn: They’re not wadded. I’m just, my…
Mullins: I’m intuitive, I say what I feel. I’m usually right.
Mullins: Take it or leave it.
Ashburn: Oh, I did, I didn’t know.
[at that moment they see LeSoire arrive at his is club and walk in]
Mullins: Okay. Alright. There’s our guy.
Ashburn: I see him as well.
[they both leave the car]
[Ashburn and Mullins enter LeSoire’s club]
Mullins: There he is, over there.
[they look over and see LeSoire sat a table surrounded by his men]
Mullins: We got to get past those body guards.
Ashburn: We’re not going to have to because he’s going to come to us.
[Ashburn turns and starts walking through the crowd of people in the club]
Ashburn: Excuse me. Step aside, please.
[they find a quiet corner in the club]
Ashburn: Alright. This is going to go fast. When I pull the alarm, the crowds are going to heard toward the two exits. He’s going to head towards the nearest one, which is north east, and we’ll bump into him in the crowd and we’ll grab the cell, place the bug within the phone, tell him he dropped his phone. It’s something I like to call a ‘cop drop’.
Mullins: Yeah, got it.
Ashburn: Okay, here we go.
[as Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm mounted on the wall it falls apart]
Ashburn: My, God. There are absolutely no wires attached to this thing. And what is that? Is that gum? Is that, is that ceiling putty?
[Ashburn pokes inside the alarm box]
Mullins: Don’t touch it, it’s a condom.
[Ashburn starts hurling in disgust]
[referring to LeSoire]
Mullins: Alright, he’s on the move.
[they see LeSoire getting up and going to the dance floor with some women]
Mullins: Okay, we got to get out there and shake our asses like the rest of the foxes.
Ashburn: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Dancing to get close to him. That is a fantastic idea. Okay, here we go.
[Ashburn starts walking onto the dance floor]
Mullins: Jesus. Don’t, don’t…
[Mullins stops Ashburn from getting onto the dance floor]
Ashburn: What, what, what? Why are we…?
Mullins: Don’t do anything you’re doing.
Ashburn: He’s over that way.
Mullins: Just let’s go find a bathroom.
[they enter the bathroom at the club]
Ashburn: I told you, I don’t have to use the bathroom.
Mullins: Did I ask you about your bathroom habits? You are killing us out there, you don’t fit in! Take off that fucking jacket.
Ashburn: This is a good jacket.
Mullins: Really? Cause you look like you’re going to set up a table and do their fucking taxes! Take off your jacket.
Ashburn: Oh, my God. This is ridiculous.
[Ashburn takes off her jacket]
Mullins: Your shitty jacket? Oh, my God.
Ashburn: Okay, okay. Jacket’s off, okay. Jacket is off.
[as Ashburn is neatly folding her jacket, Mullins grabs it from her hand and puts it aside]
Mullins: I can’t watch whatever process is about to happen. Now, unbutton your buttons.
Ashburn: I’m a Federal Agent!
Mullins: Yeah, I know, and you look like one.
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
[Ashburn starts unbuttoning her shirt buttons]
Mullins: You think you’re going to bump into him and he’s not going to think something’s up?
[Ashburn finishes unbuttoning her shirt up to her cleavage]
Ashburn: Okay, how’s that? Is that good? Is that good? Can we go?
Mullins: I don’t know how it’s happening, I think it’s getting worse. My fear is that I’m going to put you in a bikini and you’ll still look like a fucking bank teller.
Ashburn: Okay, do you have to use that language? Do you?
Mullins: I’m trying to make a point! I’m saying your face, and whatever is underneath this shitty outfit is maybe not terrible.
Ashburn: I’ll have you know, I dress appropriately. I…
Mullins: I got it. It’s when this…
[Mullins points to Ashburn’s mouth]
Mullins: Your big flapping mouth starts running, then you put this get up on top of it. And it’s just a, it’s a boner killer. And I’m going to help you.
[Mullins goes to grab hold of her shirt]
Ashburn: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Mullins: I just want you to shut up.
Ashburn: Oh, my God. I just…
[Mullins starts cutting her shirt sleeve]
Ashburn: Oh, my God!
Mullins: Just shut up.
Ashburn: I only bought five of these to Boston!
Mullins: Then I’ll cut the other four.
[Mullins finishes cutting off the sleeve]
Mullins: God, that’s a terrible fabric. Just get that off your wrist.
[Ashburn takes off the cut off sleeve as Mullins starts cutting the other sleeve off]
Ashburn: This was one of my favorite ones.
Mullins: Well, stop! Take it off. Take it off!
Ashburn: Just give me a second! I’ll take it off!
[Ashburn takes off the cut off sleeves from her arms and looks in the mirror]
Ashburn: Okay, I look like I’ve been attacked.
Mullins: That’s not my fault.
Ashburn: Well, no, it’s my fault?
Mullins: Let me even out the bottom.
[Mullins kneels and starts cutting Ashburn’s trousers]
Ashburn: Okay, would you just stop carving up my clothes!
[Ashburn pulls her leg away]
Mullins: Stop! I’m making shorts! Everybody likes shorts.
Ashburn: Oh, my God.
Mullins: Jesus. Hold still!
[Mullins goes back to cutting off the legs of her trousers]
Ashburn: Oh, please. Just, well, that feels awkward, weird. Just don’t touch that area.
Mullins: Well, don’t duck down, you’re going to suck my hand up there.
Ashburn: Will you stop pulling my pants off?
[after Mullins finishes cutting off Ashburn’s trouser legs]
Mullins: What are those?
[we see Ashburn is wearing spanx under her trousers, Mullins pulls at the fabric]
Mullins: What are those?
Ashburn: Stop! Stop it! These are my spanx. They hold everything together.
Mullins: Why? What’s going to come fucking popping out?
Ashburn: Nothing! It just keeps everything where it’s supposed to be, like in…
Mullins: Shit, like medically?
Ashburn: No. No, not medically. Just to, it keeps it right where it’s supposed to be.
Mullins: You got to, you got to vent that furnace.
Mullins: That’s a lot of compression and heat.
Ashburn: It gets plenty of ventilation, thank you.
Mullins: My hands a foot off and it’s on fire.
Ashburn: Okay. Okay. Well then, why did you cut these shorts shorter because no one can see my cervix yet? Go ahead.
Mullins: I’ll cut them short.
Ashburn: No, I, stop it! We’re finished.
Ashburn: Okay, let’s just do you now.
[Ashburn goes to grab Mullins shirt, but Mullins knocks her hands aside]
Mullins: I don’t need, I don’t need that.
Ashburn: What do you mean?
Mullins: I put out my sexuality through motion. When this starts going, it’s all, you’ll get it.
Ashburn: So I have to look like this, and you get to look like that?
Mullins: I know, it’s not fair.
[Mullins and Ashburn, with her cut off sleeves and trousers, walk out of the bathroom]
Mullins: Hit it.
[Ashburn stands with her legs apart, trying to look sexy]
Mullins: What are you looking at?
Chris Gethard: I like how your friend’s shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.
Ashburn: Stand corrected on the shorts. Let’s proceed.
[Ashburn starts walking off onto the dance floor, Mullins follows behind her]
Mullins: Oh, God. I’m dead.
[spotting LeSoire on the dance floor]
Ashburn: Ah, one o’clock. One o’clock.
Mullins: Let’s do this.
[they both start dancing and walking closer to LeSoire]
Mullins: Get in there. Get in there.
[as they try to get close to LeSoire through all the dancers on the floor]
Ashburn: How do you, how do you get in? I don’t know how you get in.
Mullins: Back it in. Get your hands in, get your hands in.
[Mullins keeps pushing Ashburn closer to LeSoire]
Ashburn: Okay, thank you.
Mullins: Do the fucking cop drop!
[Mullins pushes Ashburn’s head down]
Ashburn: I’m trying!
Mullins: Do the fucking cop drop!
Ashburn: I can’t do it from this position!
[as Mullins goes to get closer to LeSoire again, Mullins sees the man that had like Ashburn earlier coming onto the dance floor]
Mullins: No. No. No! No!
[Gethard starts dancing and unbuttoning his shirt as he dances]
[trying to get closer to LeSoire again on the dance floor]
Ashburn: Okay, coming in one more time.
[Ashburn pulls away a woman in her way]
Ashburn: Get her away. Get her away.
[Mullins pulls the woman away]
Mullins: I got her. I got her! I got her! You’re like a fucking mess.
[LeSoire goes up next to the woman he’s dancing with]
LeSoire: Picture time!
[he holds up his phone to take a photo and at that moment Ashburn walks past and knocks his hand which makes him drop his phone]
LeSoire: Dammit. Somebody get my phone?
Ashburn: I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
[Ashburn goes to pick up the phone but the man from earlier on gets to the phone first and picks it up]
Ashburn: Let go! Let go! Let go!
[he gives the phone back to LeSoire]
LeSoire: Thanks a lot, bro. Close a couple of buttons, club policy.
[Ashburn starts pushing Gethard with anger]
Ashburn: A-hole! A-hole!
LeSoire: Here we go.
[more dancers start surrounding LeSoire again]
Mullins: I got the orange one.
[Ashburn looks exhausted]
Ashburn: Oh, my God. I need some water.
[as she goes to walk off the dance floor, Gethard comes up to her and starts dancing]
Ashburn: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
[Mullins starts pushing Gethard away]
Mullins: I will fucking kill you! I will fucking kill you.
Ashburn: Where is he? Where is he?
[they see LeSoire surrounded by women again on the dance floor]
Mullins: Get in, get in. Let’s go.
Ashburn: Coming in one more time.
[Ashburn starts to push in through the women]
Ashburn: Get her out of the way. Get her away.
Mullins: Jesus, there’s too many of them.
[Ashburn and Mullins manage to pull the woman around LeSoire aside and Ashburn starts dancing with LeSoire]
LeSoire: Your moves are weird as shit.
LeSoire: But I love it.
[Ashburn starts touching his hair]
Ashburn: You have really soft hair.
LeSoire: Oh, yeah. It’s the shampoo move.
Mullins: Use your boobs. Use your boobs!
[pushing LeSoire’s head down towards her cleavage]
Ashburn: You see these?
LeSoire: Oh, my God.
Ashburn: See these?
LeSoire: Oh, my God. I’m looking. I’m liking, oh.
Mullins: Shake it, shake it,
[Ashburn pulls his head down into her chest, a woman comes towards them but Ashburn and Mullins push her aside]
LeSoire: Oh, what is this? What’s going on?
[Ashburn starts feeling LeSoire’s body for his phone]
LeSoire: Oh, yeah. Here we go!
[suddenly another woman comes up close to them but Mullins pushes her away]
LeSoire: Oh, God. Back it in.
[Ashburn finishes feeling LeSoire’s legs for his phone, she comes up to continue dancing with him]
LeSoire: Hi. You know, you’re the first chick over forty to give me a boner.
Ashburn: Great. Great.
LeSoire: want to go get a drink?
Ashburn: Okay. Yeah.
[Ashburn looks as Mullins as she leaves with LeSoire, Mullins continues dancing then sees Gethard dancing towards her]
Mullins: Maybe. Maybe.
[LeSoire is sat in a quiet corner of the club with Ashburn next to him]
LeSoire: It’s the only reason girls hit on me I think, you know?
Ashburn: Oh, sorry. Yeah.
LeSoire: Cause every night the hottest chicks they come in here, they’re like, there’s LeSoire. Short skirts, too much makeup, just looking like fucking Gremlins, right?
Ashburn: Oh, I hate that.
[Ashburn goes to grab his phone, which is on the table next to him, but he grabs her hand]
LeSoire: Don’t feed them after midnight, right?
LeSoire: Turn into more sluts.
[Mullins is at the bar keeping an eye on Ashburn and LeSoire from a distance, she turns to the bartender]
Mullins: Give me a whiskey?
[back to Ashburn and LeSoire, she points to a statue behind them]
Ashburn: I just noticed that lion, that lion. It’s just, that…
LeSoire: Fuck. Who the fuck keeps putting lions in the back?
[back to Mullins at the bar; the bartender pours her a drink]
Club Ekko Bartender: Fourteen dollars.
Mullins: Fourteen dollars? Is it magic fucking whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it going to be served with Jesus’s shoe?
[back to Ashburn and LeSoire]
Ashburn: Can I sit on your lap?
Ashburn: Okay. Alright.
[Ashburn sits on his lap]
LeSoire: Yeah. I like where this is going.
Ashburn: Me too, me too.
[Mullins turns from the bar and starts walking towards them]
LeSoire: My nephew knows Seal. I’m trying to get Seal to come up in here.
Ashburn: Oh, I would love to…
[Ashburn starts to grab LeSoire’s phone from the table]
LeSoire: I’m having a big foam party…
[at that moment Mullins walks up to them acting drunk]
Mullins: Hey! Hey!
[she trips on the table in front of her causing a distraction]
Ashburn: So sorry.
[Ashburn quickly grabs LeSoire’s phone and swaps the card inside the phone]
Ashburn: I’m so sorry.
[to Mullins, who’s acting drunk]
LeSoire: Drunk, bitch.
LeSoire’s Henchman: Get out of here, guys.
Ashburn: This woman’s behaving like a five year old. I’m so sorry.
[Ashburn goes to help Mullins and Mullins picks her up on her back]
[Mullins circles around herself with Ashburn on her back]
Mullins: I’m a pony!
Ashburn: Sorry. Sorry.
[to his men]
LeSoire: Get her the fuck out of here. Yeah, take her home.
LeSoire’s Henchman: Okay, pony. Let’s go.
Mullins: Hey, I got to drive the school bus tomorrow. It’s my shift, it’s my shift.
[Ashburn starts dragging Mullins away]
LeSoire: I didn’t get your number.
Ashburn: I’ll find you. I’ll find you.
[Ashburn and Mullins leave the club and drive off]
[as Ashburn and Mullins drive away from the club a van starts following them]
Mullins: Oh, pretty nice, right?
Ashburn: I have to say that was pretty awesome.
Mullins: It really was bad. Put her there.
[Mullins raises her hand for a high five, but Ashburn doesn’t realize what she has to do]
Ashburn: Put her there.
Mullins: Yeah. No, put her, put her there.
[Ashburn gives her hand to Mullins and shakes it]
Mullins: Don’t do that.
Mullins: You just make it odd. I’m trying so hard not to lash out at you and you make it really fucking impossible.
[Ashburn notices in the rear view mirror that they are being followed by the van, she quickly takes a turn and speeds up the car]
Mullins: What was that about?
Ashburn: We got company.
Mullins: Oh, shit.
[Mullins takes out her gun]
Ashburn: Hold on, I can lose them.
Mullins: Do you want me to take the wheel?
Ashburn: No, I was a precision driver at Quantico. They thought I was the instructor, I was that good.
[Ashburn tries to lose the van but they keep following them]
Mullins: Lose them!
Ashburn: What do you think I’m trying to do?
[Mullins tries to take over the wheel]
Ashburn: Stop it, stop it! I got it!
[after Ashburn manages to get away from the van following them]
Ashburn: And that, that is how you lose a tail.
Mullins: Nicely done.
Mullins: I’m surprised.
[at that moment they notice the van following behind them again]
Mullins: Our friends are back.
Mullins: I got it, I got it, I got it. Tag out.
[Mullins starts getting out of her car seat]
Ashburn: What are you doing?
Mullins: I’ll show you how you stop a tail.
Ashburn: What are you doing? Just tell me what you’re doing.
Mullins: Watch out!
[suddenly Mullins puts her foot on the break making the van crash into them]
[Mullins and Ashburn quickly get out of the car and point their guns at the drivers of the van who have also got out their van and raised their weapons]
Ashburn: FBI! Drop your weapon!
[as Ashburn notices the driver of the van]
Ashburn: Oh, my God!
Mullins: What the hell is that?
Ashburn: I don’t know.
[we see that they are referring to the albino man pointing his gun and badge at them]
Craig: Special Agent Garrett, DEA. Drop it!
Mullins: No, seriously, what the fuck are you?
Craig: What are you, fucking deaf? I just told you! DEA! Drop your fucking gun! Now!
[Mullins and Ashburn lower their guns]
Ashburn: I’m very sorry about earlier. I just thought you were an assassin, because of your weapon.
Mullins: And because you look evil as shit.
Craig: Yeah, I get it. Alright? I’m an albino, so I look like a bad guy. Right?
Ashburn: No, no. That’s not…
Mullins: Yeah, yeah.
Ashburn: That’s not what we were.
Craig: Yeah, well I’m DEA. Let me tell you something, two months we’ve been sitting on that club and then you two come in here one night like a couple of fucking amateurs and you almost blow the whole thing!
Ashburn: Alright. Obviously you have no idea who you’re speaking with. I’m Federal Agent Sarah Ashburn, I…
Craig: Yes, I’m sure your credentials are quite impressive, as is your choice of wardrobe there. Nice hot pants, you might want to try shaving above the knee next time.
[he looks over at his partner, Adam, who’s chuckling]
Mullins: Are you giving beauty tips? Do you own a fucking mirror?
Craig: Listen to me, alright? This whole ‘female professionals in the workplace thing’, man, I’m fine with it, alright? But here’s the problem, with all due respect, with you people, is that you get all excited, you let your emotions take over, your hormones kick in, you’re riding the cotton pony. The next thing you know, your complimenting the bad guy on his fucking couch!
Mullins: Oh, with all due respect to you, who’s your wife? A five pound bag of flour with a hole in it?
Adam: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, listen, ma’am, we’ve been cramped inside this van for two months. Alright? And we’re not going to let you swoop in from out of nowhere and take all the credit.
Craig: I don’t want to see you two anywhere near this case. We have got informants everywhere, we’ve got surveillance everywhere. We do not need the two of you coming in with your estrogen, flying at full speed, sticking out in the middle of broad daylight fucking things up for us! Cause the two of us are going to bring these guys in!
[at that moment Mullins notices the surveillance footage from the van and sees Jason hanging out with LeSoire and Julian, she starts walking away]
Mullins: Fuck you, chalk-balls!
Craig: Not even on your Birthday, sweetheart.
[Ashburn also notices the surveillance footage and realizes why Mullins is walking away]
Craig: That’s right, keep walking.
Ashburn: This isn’t over. Okay?
[Ashburn start walking away, then turns back]
Ashburn: FYI, women were, we were born with hair on our legs.
[later that night, as Ashburn drives Mullins to her apartment]
Mullins: You don’t have to stop.
[Mullins goes to open the car door as Ashburn is still driving]
Ashburn: No. What are you doing? Woh, woh, woh, woh, woh, woh!
[Ashburn manages to stop Mullins and pull over the car]
Ashburn: Okay, do you want to tell me what was wrong back there?
Ashburn: I saw your face when you were looking at the footage. It looked like you saw someone you knew. Possibly your brother?
Mullins: You did not read that from my fucking face. You read my file, didn’t you? God, you’re an asshole!
Ashburn: Okay. Yes, I read your file. But it is my job to know everything about a case, including who I work with.
Mullins: I don’t like that.
Ashburn: We should talk to him tomorrow. Where is he?
Mullins: Probably at my parents.
Ashburn: Well then, let’s go to your parents.
Mullins: I can’t, no. I can’t go to my parents.
Mullins: I’m the one that put him in jail.
Ashburn: Okay, never mind.
Mullins: It’s not like I liked doing it. You know, he got mixed up with a lot of really bad people and then he started, he started using that shit. And I just had to get him out of there.
Ashburn: You know, ironically a lot of people become addicted when they’re in prison. I think it’s like, eight, eighty five percent of the inmates require treatment.
Mullins: I hate you.
Ashburn: Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.
[Mullins opens the car door and starts getting out]
Ashburn: But you know, I actually wasn’t finished. I was going to say…
[Mullins shuts the car door and starts walking away; to herself]
Ashburn: Why can’t you just be quite.
[the next morning, thinking someone’s broken into her apartment, Ashburn takes out her gun and as she looks around she finds Mullins in the living room reading her yearbook]
Ashburn: What the F?!
[referring to the curtains]
Mullins: These are cloth, they’re nice.
Ashburn: I could have shot you!
Mullins: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you not like someone invading your privacy?
Ashburn: Oh, come on. I glanced at your file. You broke into my home!
Mullins: I care about who I’m working with too.
[referring to the things inside the boxes in the room]
Mullins: And it’s a little uncomfortable that you feel the need to travel with trophies.
Ashburn: Okay, well, it’s not what you think. They moved me up here, they rented this apartment, and this is all my stuff.
Mullins: These four shitty sad boxes? This is it? This is your life?
Mullins: Oh, God. That couldn’t be any sadder if you threw it all in the trash bag and started dragging it behind you.
Ashburn: Oh, my word. You use coffee filters for toilet paper at your house.
Mullins: I’m buying them anyway, they have a dual purpose.
Ashburn: It’s not what they’re for.
Mullins: Yeah, real fancy pants. I see it. I see it in here.
[looking at Ashburn’s yearbook]
Mullins: It looks like you were pretty cool in high school, huh?
Ashburn: Yes. Yes. I was, but…
[Mullins turns the book around and shows her Ashburn’s photo in the book]
Mullins: Because you weren’t.
[she points to Ashburn’s photo, where she’s wearing glasses and braces]
Mullins: You know what that girl’s not? That girl’s not cool. My favorite part is you only have two signatures, both by teachers. Mrs. Burk said, ‘Have a good summer.’ That’s a personal touch. And then my real favorite is this one, ‘It’ll get better.’
Ashburn: Yes. Fine.
Mullins: Okay, now we’re even.
[referring to the photo of Ashburn holding her old neighbor’s cat]
Mullins: I see you have a cat.
Mullins: Is he around, cause I kind of like to, you know, pet him and stuff.
Ashburn: He ran away, uh, when I was in New York.
Mullins: Oh, God. That kind of tears me up.
Ashburn: Yeah, it was, um, it was a loss.
Mullins: Your cat got one look at your shitty life and said, ‘no fucking thanks, man. I am out of here.’
Ashburn: I’m still kind of just grieving a little bit about it.
Mullins: That fucking tabby is an asshole, that’s what he is.
[looking at the photo of the cat]
Mullins: Fuck you. Fuck you. That’s what I say to that cat. Goddammit.
[Mullins rises from the couch, walks over to Ashburn and suddenly hugs her]
Mullins: Such a shitty, shitty, low life. I mean, you can’t even keep a cat.
[as Mullins is holding onto Ashburn, she starts patting her hard on the back]
Ashburn: You know, that hurts a little bit.
Mullins: That’s just the grief.
Ashburn: No, it’s not the grief. Just the pounding a little bit, just…
[Mullins lets go of her]
Mullins: Oh, alright. Well, don’t be a dick about it.
Ashburn: Thank you for that.
Mullins: Alright. Let’s hit the road, okay?
Ashburn: Yeah. I got to change.
Mullins: What’s the matter with your pant suit?
Ashburn: It’s, it’s pajamas.
Mullins: Well, excuse the shit out of me. I didn’t realize you slept in a fucking tux. Go ahead, get your top hat.
[Ashburn and Mullins drive over to Mullins family house where the family is gathered to celebrate Jason’s release from prison; referring to Mullins as she enters the dining room]
Peter Mullins: Oh, great, this asshole.
Mullins: Alright, just take it easy. Hi, Pop.
Mr. Mullins: Hey, pork chop.
Mark Mullins: Ah, well, well, well. Look who it is? Yeah, the rat’s back in the house.
Mark Mullins: What, did you come back to arrest somebody else? Hey, you know I saw Ma throw a diet coke in the garbage the other day, she didn’t even recycle it. Dad here, he’s splicing cable off the neighbors next door.
Mr. Mullins: Hey, come on now, Mark.
Mark Mullins: Maybe you should start fingerprinting them, huh? That’d be a good call and maybe get yourself some stripes. Petey over here, how many songs you downloaded illegally off the internet? Five thousand?
Peter Mullins: Ten, twenty thousand!
Mark Mullins: Twenty thousand! Mikey stole a laptop from his work the other day.
Michael Mullins: Stole? I fucking work there for six weeks, I deserve to fucking take it.
Mark Mullins: Exactly, no health insurance, that balances out.
[pointing to Mullins]
Mark Mullins: But not you, you’re probably calling the fucking SWAT team, won’t you?
Ashburn: Oh, actually, she could, cause these are horrible examples.
[Mullins mother walks into the dining room carrying a platter of food]
Mrs. Mullins: Here come the nuggies!
Mullins: Alright, here we go.
[as she notices Mullins, Mrs. Mullins drops the food platter onto the dining table]
Mrs. Mullins: What kind of an animal throws her own brother in jail?
[pointing to Mullins]
Michael Mullins: This kind of animal. Right here.
Mullins: Shut up. Shut up. How about keeps him from killing himself? I was the only one that got him off the street, none of you fucks did.
Gina: You should never arrest your family,
Mullins: Who the fuck are you?
Peter Mullins: That’s Gina!
Mullins: Well, tell Gina I’m going to strangle her at the table!
Beth: Hey, she is my best friend! You touch her, you got to go through me first.
Mullins: Who the fuck are you?! I’ll kill you and kill her with your fucking dead body!
Mr. Mullins: Okay, everybody calm down. Shannon’s right.
[pointing to Gina]
Mr. Mullins: This one has no business chiming in on a family matter.
Peter Mullins: This one? Why are you talking about my girlfriend like that?!
Mr. Mullins: She wears sweatpants to your mother’s dinner, that’s why!
Beth: Those are her classy sweatpants, they don’t say ‘insert here’ on the ass.
Mark Mullins: Her ass is hanging out!
[with that they all start talking at the same time and arguing as Mullins and Ashburn watch]
[as the Mullins are arguing, Jason walks into the room and says quietly to Mullins]
Jason Mullins: Welcome home.
Jason Mullins: Are you here to arrest me?
Mullins: I hope not.
[looking at Ashburn]
Jason Mullins: You selling bibles?
Mullins: No, she’s Ashburn. Let’s go, let’s go. We need to talk. Go.
[Jason starts walking away; to Ashburn]
Mullins: Sit down.
Mullins walks out of the room with Jason, Ashburn sits down at the table looking uncomfortable as the Mullins continue to argue]
Mr. Mullins: Okay. Enough, enough.
[everyone stops talking and turns to look at Ashburn, Ashburn then points to a painting]
Ashburn: Uh, that is, that’s one of the, uh, better Jesus sports themed paintings I’ve seen. That’s very good. Nice.
[Mullins and Jason are talking in the kitchen]
Mullins: What are you doing at Club Ekko?
Jason Mullins: What are you, my mother? Were you following me? How do you know I was there?
Mullins: Cause I know everything, that’s why. Are you already working for those guys again?
Jason Mullins: No. No. This guy, Julian, he sent for me because he wants me to start working for him. But I told him no, I’m getting a straight job. It’s fine. Everybody is cool now, we parted amicably.
[back in the dining room with Ashburn and the Mullins family]
Michael Mullins: Are you a narc?
Ashburn: I’m sorry?
Michael Mullins: Are you a narc?
[not understanding because of his strong accent]
Ashburn: A naak? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.
Gina: A narc.
Michael Mullins: A narc. Am I speaking fucking Japanese?
Mark Mullins: Yeah, listen to him.
Michael Mullins: I’m going to sound it out for you. Are you, or are you not, a narc? A fucking narc?! Like Johnny Depp in 21 Jump Street?
Ashburn: Ah! I see, I see. Okay, a narc.
Michael Mullins: A narc, yes!
Michael Mullins: What are you, what was I saying?
Ashburn: I was missing the R when you were saying, I heard naak. But apparently…
Peter Mullins: He said, he said, narc!
Michael Mullins: I said fucking narc, right?
Total Quotes: 152