Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman, Élodie Yung, Salma Hayek
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Action comedy directed by Patrick Hughes. The Hitman’s Bodyguard (2017) follows a top protection agent, Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds), who is called upon to guard the life of his former enemy, one of the world’s most notorious hitmen, Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson). They must put their differences aside and work together to get to The Hague to bring down a murderous dictator, Vladislav Dukhovich (Gary Oldman), who is out for blood.
Michael Bryce: Parking garage, under the Rolls-Royce in space five, there’s a pound of plastic explosives. You might want to call the bomb squad.
Michael Bryce: [as there’s an explosion] Check that. Make it the fire department.
Seifert: Is that my car?
Michael Bryce: I’m afraid so. Have a seat. It’s been a long day.
Seifert: That was a custom Rolls-Royce, one of a kind.
Michael Bryce: I thought that was an unusual color. Was that periwinkle?
Moreno: Mr. Kincaid, this is Interpol’s offer. In return for your testimony against former President Dukhovich, your wife will receive a full pardon from all jurisdictions.
Darius Kincaid: You’re going to pardon an innocent woman? That’s mighty f***ing white of you.
Jean Foucher: We have taken every precaution to make sure that your involvement is completely classified.
Darius Kincaid: It’s a secret? That makes me feel so much better.
Garrett: Well, I can assure you, even if there was an attempt, we’re more than prepared for any assault.
Darius Kincaid: [as he headbutts Garrett] You prepared for that assault, m**herf***er?
Darius Kincaid: How you doing? Made a shank yet?
Sonia Kincaid: What for?
Darius Kincaid: It’s prison, baby. You got to protect yourself.
Sonia Kincaid: It’s a Dutch prison, Darius! What are they going to do, beat me with a clog?
Michael Bryce: You know he’s a murderer, right? You’re playing nurse to a murderer.
Amelia Roussel: A witness.
Michael Bryce: Really? Twenty-seven times. That’s how many times this asshole has tried to kill me, twenty-seven, twenty-eight! F***ing Prague!
Michael Bryce: My job is to keep you out of harm’s way.
Darius Kincaid: S**t, m**herf***er! I am harm’s way.
Darius Kincaid: I made that jump on one leg.
Michael Bryce: I made that jump without jumping. Let’s go.
Amelia Roussel: The only way Bryce and Kincaid don’t make it to The Hague is if they kill each other first.
Darius Kincaid: You never even took one for a client?
Michael Bryce: Nope. Never had to.
Darius Kincaid: Yeah, but the question is, would you? See, if I’m paying Triple-A rates, then I’m looking for that full-service s**t, you know what I’m saying? That extra “A” stands for “a**”, yours, between mine and a bullet.
Michael Bryce: Being prepared for everything means that that situation statistically just won’t occur.
Darius Kincaid: Bryce, you cannot be prepared for everything! Life is going to bloody us up, okay? You just got to put a Band-Aid on that s**t and keep rolling!
Michael Bryce: That’s really beautiful, man. Do you ever just write stuff down? I don’t know, throw down a haiku or two?
Sonia Kincaid: I’m sorry, you’re worried about my husband’s safety? No one in this world can kill Darius Kincaid. The man is a cucaracha, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Sometimes you just want to crush his little, filthy head with your shoe, but he won’t die. That m**herf***er is unkillable, so you can relax.
Michael Bryce: Is this your cell phone?
Darius Kincaid: I might’ve taken that off some dead merc.
Michael Bryce: You might’ve… You know, they can track a cell phone. That’s why I use a ghost chip in mine, so they can’t track the phone. I mean, that’s how they know where we were! Here I am, I’m plotting courses all over the country, and you’re carrying a location beacon in your pocket!
Darius Kincaid: My bad.
Michael Bryce: Your bad?
Michael Bryce: You don’t even understand how 21st century technology works! I mean, how have you stayed alive this long?
Darius Kincaid: While all you guys are wasting your time planning, and aiming, and deducing, I just do my thing. And my thing has always been better than your f***ing thing.
Michael Bryce: Why is everything always about love with you?
Darius Kincaid: Well, what else is there? I mean, take away the guns, the money, the travel, the perfect shot through a m**herf***er’s earhole from three hundred meters. I mean, none of that s**t means d**k if I can’t tell Sonia about it.
Darius Kincaid: Sonia chopped off part of my ear with a machete one time. She sewed it back on, but it was two, three days before our s**t got real again.
Michael Bryce: Where did you guys meet? Christian Mingle?
'While all you guys are wasting your time planning, and aiming, and deducing, I just do my thing. And my thing has always been better than your f'ing thing.' - Darius Kincaid (The Hitman's Bodyguard) Click To Tweet
Darius Kincaid: [referring to Sonia] When she severed that dude’s carotid artery with a beer bottle, I knew. I knew right then. We slow danced all night.
Michael Bryce: She sounds like she’s going to make a good mother someday.
Michael Bryce: Go with God! This man’s killed over a hundred and fifty people.
Darius Kincaid: Two-fifty, easy.
Michael Bryce: Yeah, but they love you. Me, they want to perform an exorcism on.
Darius Kincaid: A question for a higher power. Who is more wicked, he who kills evil m**herf***ers, or he who protects them?
Darius Kincaid: The Bible says never to take revenge, to leave it to the Lord. But I wasn’t prepared to wait that long.
Darius Kincaid: I was at the airport for another target. I spotted him by accident. Lucky for me. Him, not so much. Doubled my money on that corrupt Asian m**herf***er. The single most awesome shot I’ve made in my entire hitman career. Three hundred meters through a firm, C-cup tittie-sized window.
Michael Bryce: You’re on your own!
Darius Kincaid: Well, good! I’ll be safer on my own!
Michael Bryce: You won’t last one hour without me! You’ll be dead in a minute!
Darius Kincaid: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re about as useful as a condom in a convent.
Michael Bryce: Eat my a**!
Darius Kincaid: That’s what she said!
Michael Bryce: Suck it!
Darius Kincaid: F*** you!
Michael Bryce: I hope they kill him. I really do. Okay. Even if I did save him, again, you know what he’d say? He’d say, “I had it all figured out before you got here.” He’d say, “I guess my thing just better than your thing, m**herf***er. I guess bullets are just allergic to me, m**herf***er.”
Michael Bryce: This guy single-handedly ruined the word “m**herf***er”.
Goran: I ask you one time, polite. Where is Kincaid?
Michael Bryce: Honestly, I’d tell you if I knew. You have my word. Look at my right hand. See that? That’s a Boy Scout salute. We’re sworn to never lie.
Michael Bryce: I was at a client’s funeral. Massive heart attack. I can protect someone from bullets and explosives, but there’s nothing I can do against indiscriminate use of mayonnaise for sixty-eight straight years.
'Who is more wicked, he who kills evil mfers, or he who protects them?' - Darius Kincaid (The Hitman's Bodyguard) Click To Tweet
Darius Kincaid: You know, when life gives you s**t, you make Kool-Aid.
Michael Bryce: That’s not really how that expression works.
Darius Kincaid: Yeah, and that’s the beauty of that m**herf***er. Life.
Michael Bryce: Yeah. Well, life, I mean, life doesn’t usually give you s**t, and then turn into a beverage. That’s not, at least where I’m from, that’s not how it works.
Darius Kincaid: Look, m**herf***er, you don’t have to explain every goddamn thing that goes on in life! If it gives you lemons…
Michael Bryce: Okay? You don’t need a f***ing reason for that s**t to be…
Darius Kincaid: You would make lemonade.
Michael Bryce: Just shut the f*** up! It just doesn’t work that way.
Darius Kincaid: I will bust a cap in your a** if you don’t give up that wheel!
Michael Bryce: Have you ever said please?
Darius Kincaid: Please, m**herf***er!
Michael Bryce: Why are we always yelling?!
Michael Bryce: [over phone] Amelia, I just want to say that I love you.
Michael Bryce: [as he’s suddenly thrown out of the windscreen of the car] Jesus Christ! Really?!
Darius Kincaid: What happened to the seat belt rule?
Darius Kincaid: Tick-tock, m**herf***er!
Darius Kincaid: How do I look?
Michael Bryce: You got a little speck of blood on your, everywhere.
Moreno: We’ve confirmed the coordinates.
ICC Court Clerk: It’s asking for a password.
Darius Kincaid: Oh, sorry. Password. “Dukhovich is a dick”, all caps, except “dick” is lower case.
Darius Kincaid: You know when I want some s**t to pop, it pops. Like that shot through that tittie-small window on Kurosawa’s plane.
Michael Bryce: That’s enough out of you.