Starring: Anne Hathaway, Rebel Wilson, Alex Sharp, Dean Norris, Tim Blake Nelson, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Davies
OUR RATING: ★★½
Comedy remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels directed by Chris Addison. The story follows two female scam artists (Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson), one low rent and the other high class, who team up to take down the dirty rotten men who have wronged them.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 32)
[to the two cops chasing after Penny]
Jason: You let her get away!
Policewoman: Well, at least we didn’t give her five hundred dollars first. Idiot.
[as they leave, we see Penny, dressed in a black dress, get up from where she was hiding with the black garbage bags in the alleyway]
Penny Rust: Trashy dress, you did it again.
[referring to the expensive bracelet]
Mathias: This belonged to my dear mama. May I?
Josephine Chesterfield: Yes.
[he puts the bracelet around her wrist]
Mathias: Sadly, I have to sell it, because it reminds me too much of her.
Josephine Chesterfield: Is it valuable?
Mathias: It’s very valuable, yes. Five hundred thousand dollars.
Josephine Chesterfield: I like it because it’s shiny.
[to a rich looking man on the diner of a train]
Penny Rust: Is this seat taken?
[takes the seat opposite the man]
Penny Rust: I’m starving. I could murder a triple cheeseburger right now. Or…
[takes a look at the menu]
Penny Rust: I’ll just get a glass of water, please.
Waiter: Is that all, madam?
Penny Rust: Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just help myself to the sugar packets. They’re free, right?
[she opens and one sugar packet and empty the contents into her mouth]
Penny Rust: Mm. That’ll fill me up.
Penny Rust: I have to save all my money because I’m here to find my sister. This is her.
[holds up her phone to the rich man to show the photo]
Fancy Euro Man: That is your sister?
Penny Rust: Half-sister. But we’re like sisters.
Fancy Euro Man: What’s happened to her?
Penny Rust: She’s been taken.
Fancy Euro Man: Taken? Like…
Penny Rust: Like by men who sell hot white virgins to evil bearded kajillionaires on yachts.
Fancy Euro Man: Really?
Penny Rust: The whole irony is, it was her friend she was with who was the massive slut. Tiffany.
Fancy Euro Man: Tiffany is the slut?
Penny Rust: So I roughed up these guys, and they said to me, “Premium-grade Australian meat on auction tomorrow.” That fits my sister’s description perfectly, don’t you think?
Fancy Euro Man: Yes.
Penny Rust: So I’m going to get on that boat and buy her back.
Fancy Euro Man: Look, I am very moved by your story. Order anything you like.
Penny Rust: No, no, no.
Fancy Euro Man: Please, no.
Penny Rust: No!
Fancy Euro Man: Please, no.
Penny Rust: No, I couldn’t.
Fancy Euro Man: Please, I insist.
[to the waiter]
Penny Rust: I’ll have a club sandwich, and an order of fries, order of onion rings. I’ll take the shrimp cocktail. Is that good? How fresh is it? What’s the soup of the day? Is it cold? because, ew, gross. That’s disgusting. Why have cold soup? Just give me a Caesar salad. And then two slices of cake.
[to the rich man]
Penny Rust: Do you want any cake?
Fancy Euro Man: No.
Penny Rust: Three slices of cake and a Diet Coke. Thank you.
[after watching Penny con the man on the train to pay for her dinner]
Josephine Chesterfield: Do you mind if I ask how long your sister’s been held against her will?
Penny Rust: Oh. Listen, um…
Josephine Chesterfield: Josephine Chesterfield.
Penny Rust: Penny Rust.
[they shake hands]
Josephine Chesterfield: Delighted.
Penny Rust: Uh, what’s up? Uh, listen, I think this is going to be a really long ride and clearly you’re like an exhausting person. So I’m just going to say this. I don’t even have a sister.
Josephine Chesterfield: Are you saying you lied to that man?
Penny Rust: I don’t want to say it too loudly.
Penny Rust: I’m a con artist. I con.
Josephine Chesterfield: But that man was so kind to you, and he bought your dinner.
Penny Rust: Only after I showed him a picture of a hot chick. See, women have feelings. So like you just had sympathy, or pity, or I don’t know, the other feeling, and men see that quality in us and exploit us. So all I’m doing is, like put that thing down, flip it and reverse it, and then I’m now exploiting them.
Josephine Chesterfield: Are there many women in your industry? Uh, Sisters-in-arms, as it were?
Penny Rust: Well, not at my level, no.
Josephine Chesterfield: Yes, clearly you’re in a class of your own.
Penny Rust: Oh! Except, of course there’s Medusa.
Josephine Chesterfield: Oh?
Penny Rust: She’s like the OG lady con artist. People say she could freeze a man’s assets with just one look.
Josephine Chesterfield: Well, my horizons have certainly been expanded this evening. Where will the wind take you next?
Penny Rust: I’m going to this town on the Med, Beaumont-Sur-Mer. Get this, apparently it’s crawling with rich dudes.
Josephine Chesterfield: Well, I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed. You see, I live in Beaumont-Sur-Mer, and I think you’ll find it’s a lesbian community.
Penny Rust: Really?
Josephine Chesterfield: Oh, yes. Honestly, you’d do better staying on to Portofino.
Penny Rust: Well, maybe I could work a woman. I don’t know how you, yeah, I could give it a go.
Josephine Chesterfield: But isn’t your philosophy based on exploiting men?
Penny Rust: Hey, listen, I may have been a bit of a bitch when we first met.
Josephine Chesterfield: Oh.
Penny Rust: And when I talked about you behind your back.
Josephine Chesterfield: Hm?
Penny Rust: And when I posted this.
[shows a photo of Josephine asleep with the caption “Train Bitch” written on the photo]
Josephine Chesterfield: Huh.
Penny Rust: But you did me a solid getting me out of jail, so I think you’re a pretty top chick.
Josephine Chesterfield: [to Penny] Try to be as inconspicuous as possible. I know it’s difficult for you, but it’s better to go unnoticed by Gregor’s henchmen.
Josephine Chesterfield: Penny.
Penny Rust: Hello, Janet. Or should I say, Medusa?
Josephine Chesterfield: I am not Medusa.
Penny Rust: Really?
[throws her backpack to the Albert]
Penny Rust: Take this to the guestroom, butlery person.
[Albert ignores it and the bag goes over the cliff]
Penny Rust: Okay, I may need to borrow a toothbrush, leggings, some thongs. Oh! Some going out thongs.
Brigitte Desjardins: Do we have a problem?
Penny Rust: Ah, Captain Pantsuit, in on it as well? All wrapped up in this kebab of lies?
Josephine Chesterfield: Everything is fine, Brigitte. You and Albert may go.
Penny Rust: Yeah. Bye, girls. I’ll take my lunch by the pool! Just letting you know, I’m salad intolerant.
Josephine Chesterfield: What do you want, Penny?
Penny Rust: I want this! Like, look at this place! I had no idea how small-time I was until I met you. Teach me your sugar baby ways. Shape me into something great and richer.
Josephine Chesterfield: And why would I do that?
Penny Rust: Because, who knows, I could be the partner you never knew you needed.
Josephine Chesterfield: No, thanks. I work alone.
[referring to Brigitte and Albert]
Penny Rust: Hello? What about Menswear Barbie and Old Crone Ken?
Josephine Chesterfield: They are employees.
Penny Rust: But what you’re not getting is that a girl like me could make it real uncomfortable for you in this town. Like a bad case of the herp.
Josephine Chesterfield: With the right vitamin cocktail, you’ll go away.
Penny Rust: You do know herpes never goes away, don’t you?
Josephine Chesterfield: Doesn’t it?
Penny Rust: No. Seems like you’ve set up such deep roots here. It’d be such a shame for it to all be seized by Interpol. It’d just take one phone call.
[imitates making a call]
Penny Rust: Hello, Interpol?
Josephine Chesterfield: Tell me, Penny, why are women better suited to the con than men?
Penny Rust: Because we’re used to faking it?
Josephine Chesterfield: It comes down to one universal truth. No man will ever believe a woman is smarter than he is. We will always be underestimated, and that is what we use.
Penny Rust: So this means you’re going to teach me, aren’t you?
Josephine Chesterfield: I’m teaching you now.
Penny Rust: Yes! Wait, what was that last part? I couldn’t hear. You were talking into the ocean.
Josephine Chesterfield: What do men want?
Penny Rust: Boobs.
Josephine Chesterfield: No.
Penny Rust: Back door. Front door. Pegging, or like a threesome. What is it? What’s the answer?
Josephine Chesterfield: They want to be heroes. There is nothing more compelling to a man than a vulnerable woman. Observe.
[she starts to cry]
Penny Rust: Oh, wow. You can just tear up like that. You can just balance a tear right on that lower lid. And can you make the tear roll down your cheek?
[a tear rolls down Josephine’s cheek]
Penny Rust: Oh. Oh. Okay. But can you make it go back up?
Josephine Chesterfield: Now, you try.
Penny Rust: Okay.
[Penny attempts to make herself cry]
Josephine Chesterfield: Are you constipated?
Penny Rust: No.
Penny Rust: Why all the theatrics? You’re hot. That’s enough.
Josephine Chesterfield: It is not enough. Hot is not a career. Hot will get you gifts and trinkets, but you must pay for them in other ways. Sex, Penny.
Josephine Chesterfield: [to Penny] Finally, you must be trained for any situation.
[after Josephine’s been training Penny to become a con artist like herself]
Josephine Chesterfield: She’s ready.
Penny Rust: I’m ready? Yes! Wooh!
Penny Rust: Release the peasants!
Amir: She must mean pheasants, yes?
Josephine Chesterfield: Hm? Of course not. Oh, don’t worry, darling. She’s a terrible shot.
[Penny loads her gun]
Penny Rust: Peasant ho!
[Penny shoots at Albert, who’s running away]
Josephine Chesterfield: See?
[Penny shoots again, Albert falls down as he gets hit]
Josephine Chesterfield: [laughs] That was unexpected.
Josephine Chesterfield: Penny, if you want to be like me, then you’re going to have…
Penny Rust: I don’t want to be like you! Why would I want to be like you? I don’t want to be some loser that looks like a colorful Beetlejuice. Oh. Oh, sorry, Julie Andrews just called. She said she wants her voice back. We all know you’re actually from Wisconsin, and you stay in this house eating weird salads, and drinking alcohol that doesn’t get you hammered fast enough. And you’re like, “Oh, I better check all my precious stocks on the NASCAR index.” And, “Oh, wait, let me just collect another little boy’s head, or another dinosaur clitoris, or another little statue of a…”
[she yells as the blue panther chameleon moves]
Penny Rust: That’s alive.
Josephine Chesterfield: Yes, that is a Madagascan blue panther chameleon. It’s one of the last of its kind.
Penny Rust: [sarcastically] Is it? Just like you.
Penny Rust: Well, you know what, Jo? I don’t give a crap if you’re a legend in the game. If you’re not going to pay me for work that I’ve actually done, then I’m out! Screw you, Medusa!
Josephine Chesterfield: I’m not Medusa.
[Penny turns and leaves; to the blue panther chameleon]
Josephine Chesterfield: And she’s gone.
Josephine Chesterfield: Shall we settle this with a friendly wager?
Penny Rust: Like a turf war? Whoever wins gets dibs on the town?
Josephine Chesterfield: The loser leaves for good.
Penny Rust: Well, what’s the bet?
Josephine Chesterfield: We choose a man. First to extract a set sum from him wins.
Penny Rust: That sounds like a party. Yeah, how much?
Josephine Chesterfield: How about your net worth? Five hundred thousand?
[Penny looks a little nervous]
Josephine Chesterfield: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that too rich for your blood?
Penny Rust: Are you kidding? My blood is like ninety-eight percent white chocolate mousse. So, I can handle it, yeah.
Penny Rust: Who’s the mark?
[they see Thomas accidentally falling into the hotel pool]
Penny Rust: How about that guy?
Josephine Chesterfield: He’s twelve.
Penny Rust: Oh, too young for your blood?
Josephine Chesterfield: Guillaume, is that boy a guest at the hotel?
Guillaume: Yes, that is Thomas Westerburg. He is the inventor of YaBurnt.
Penny Rust: Shut my back door.
Josephine Chesterfield: What? Why? What is YaBurnt?
Penny Rust: Honestly? Jo, are you like a hundred years old? It’s like this really cool app where it sends all your friends these disgusting insults, and then they disappear after ten seconds.
Josephine Chesterfield: Why would anyone want that?
Penny Rust: Why would anyone want Christmas, either?
Josephine Chesterfield: So he’s a tech millionaire?
Penny Rust: Billionaire, I bet. So do we have a deal?
Josephine Chesterfield: One week. May the best con win.
[they shake hands]
[acting like a blind person as she walks towards the tech billionaire, Thomas]
Penny Rust: Oi, blind person here. Move! Move! Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Pardon the intrusion, but could somebody tell me if there’s an empty chair at this table?
Roulette Croupier: No, mademoiselle. The table is full.
Penny Rust: Oh. Okey-dokey.
[as Penny turns to leave]
Thomas Westerburg: No, miss. Miss? Excuse me. You can have my chair. Oh, a hero. Oh, but it’s not necessary.
[referring to Josephine who was sitting next to Thomas]
Penny Rust: Perhaps if, um, this person scoots over, we could just squeeze in another chair.
Thomas Westerburg: Yeah, sure.
[she touches Josephine’s chest]
Penny Rust: Do you mind, sir? Would you mind just, um…
[Thomas brings a chair for her]
Thomas Westerburg: Right behind you.
Penny Rust: Oh.
Thomas Westerburg: There you go.
Penny Rust: Thank you.
Thomas Westerburg: Alright?
Penny Rust: What wonderful blind person etiquette.
Thomas Westerburg: My nana was blind.
Penny Rust: Was she? I had no idea.
[turns to Josephine and whispers]
Penny Rust: Research.
Thomas Westerburg: Well, do you mind if I ask you how you…
Penny Rust: Got blind?
Thomas Westerburg: Yeah.
Penny Rust: My condition is a hundred percent mental.
Thomas Westerburg: Hysterical blindness?
Penny Rust: It’s not that funny to me, Thomas.
Thomas Westerburg: No, I know. What I mean is, it means there’s hope for you to see again. Right?
Penny Rust: People say that, but I’ve tried everything. Hypnosis, drugs. I even hired this guy Barry to follow me around and scare me in parking structures. He’d just be like, “Hey!” Turns out this is not like having the hiccups.
[referring to Penny’s blindness]
Thomas Westerburg: Well, there must be something.
Penny Rust: Well, there is like this one psychologist, up in this clinic in Germany, that does like really cutting-edge stuff. But it’s so expensive.
Thomas Westerburg: Well, how much does this doctor charge?
Penny Rust: Five hundred thousand dollars.
Thomas Westerburg: Damn!
Penny Rust: I know! But Dr. Schauffhaussen is that gifted.
Penny Rust: Forget about it. What is sight worth, anyways?
Thomas Westerburg: Five hundred thousand dollars.
Penny Rust: Seems so.
[referring to Thomas]
Penny Rust: He’s a good guy, Jo.
Josephine Chesterfield: That’s a moxy-noron, Pen.
Penny Rust: Okay, you know, back in the day when I was just catfishing, there was always this one moment where I would decide, “I’m going to take your money.” And it wasn’t when they fell for the superficial hot girl bait, or when they texted dick pics like complete animals. It was when we’d meet up in person, and I’d come in, and he’d just look at me like that. And that’s when I’d decide to rob him blind. But when Thomas looks at me, he doesn’t do that. He’s just different. He’s a genuinely nice person.
Josephine Chesterfield: Yeah, but we’re not nice women, Penny, are we? And this isn’t a likability contest.
Penny Rust: Lucky for you, because I’d win.
Josephine Chesterfield: Would you?
Penny Rust: [laughs] Please. Thomas loves me.
Josephine Chesterfield: He loves you?
Penny Rust: Like, I mean he’ll do whatever I want.
Josephine Chesterfield: Well, then it appears we have our solution.
Josephine Chesterfield: If you don’t have the stomach to take money from your darling Thomas, darling Thomas becomes the bet.
Penny Rust: But I thought you didn’t nail your marks.
Josephine Chesterfield: Evidently, we must up the ante in this little game of ours. Unless, of course, you feel you’re outmatched.
Penny Rust: [scoffing] Please. Guys love asses, but not when there’s something already stuck up there.
Josephine Chesterfield: Then we’re agreed. Thomas is the bet.
[she offers her hand]
Josephine Chesterfield: Yeah.
[Penny takes her hand and they shake on it]
Penny Rust: Yeah.
[referring to Josephine running after Thomas’s plane as it takes off]
Penny Rust: Aw, the plane didn’t stop for the crazy lady. Here she comes. Walk of shame. Walk of shame. Walk of shame.
Josephine Chesterfield: Last night I went to his room, and, yes, I tried to seduce him. And I thought I was getting somewhere too, because he turned out the lights, but it was only to show me a PowerPoint presentation all about his new app. Once he had finished his pitch, I assumed we’d go to bed. Then he said he’s bit of a germophobe, so would I mind taking a shower, and I was insulted, but I complied for the sake of the bet. And when I emerged, he was gone, my clothes were gone, my jewelry, my phone, my laptop, even my limited edition Jimmy Choos!
Penny Rust: [laughing] Come off it. You expect me to believe that that kind guy tried to jack your Jimmy Choos when he just returned to me five hundred thousand dollars that I tried to give him?
Josephine Chesterfield: Why did you give him five hundred thousand dollars?
Penny Rust: Because that’s the amount you stole from him.
Josephine Chesterfield: No! That is what I’m saying, tits for brains! I didn’t steal from him. I invested in his app!
Penny Rust: How much?
Josephine Chesterfield: Five hundred thousand dollars.
[Penny gets a text message from Thomas]
Penny Rust: It’s from Thomas.
[Josephine tries to take the phone from Penny]
Josephine Chesterfield: No! Let me see! Let me see!
[reads the text]
Josephine Chesterfield: “Penny, I honestly meant what I said just now, but here’s the thing. Con artists make the best marks of all. I was taught that by my nana. Or as you may know her, Medusa.”
Josephine Chesterfield: That means…
Penny Rust: You’re Thomas’s nana. Oh, you sick perv!
Josephine Chesterfield: No! Christ, Penny! Clearly, Thomas’s nana was Medusa, and she passed the torch onto him and now he’s the new Medusa. What is wrong with you?
[referring to Thomas]
Penny Rust: He didn’t transfer me the Bitcoin back. He still has my five hundred thousand.
Josephine Chesterfield: And my five hundred thousand. Did we just give that boy a million dollars? Are you kidding me?! Of all the lying…
Penny Rust: No!
Josephine Chesterfield: …two-faced, conniving, cheating, slimy…
Penny Rust: Dude, are you serious?
Josephine Chesterfield: …millennial bastard hacker grifter…
Penny Rust: I’m so angry and horny right now!
Josephine Chesterfield: …shit-stain asshole, he is the worst!
[as they watch the plane]
Penny Rust: But he is kind of awesome too, right?
Thomas Westerburg: This year I made six million dollars, so far.
Josephine Chesterfield: Impressive. How irritating.
Thomas Westerburg: But together, we could make so much more. So much more. You guys are fantastic at what you do. My nana would absolutely love you. The three of us, that’d be one hell of a team.
[Penny slaps him]
Penny Rust: You played me.
Thomas Westerburg: Penny, the only thing I never lied about was you.
[Penny kisses him]
Thomas Westerburg: Listen…
Josephine Chesterfield: First million pays us back. The second million will be your apology.
Penny Rust: Yeah, and if you ever double-cross us again, I withhold sex for a whole year. Or six months. Or, no, let’s go with twenty-four hours. Or like until mid-morning, I will not be open as a shop.
Josephine Chesterfield: You done?
Penny Rust: Okay. So don’t cross us ever again.
Thomas Westerburg: Deal. So, are we doing this?
[last lines; after hiding under a Christmas tree dressed in gold outfits, blending in with the gold presents under the tree in order to hide from the police]
Penny Rust: Lucky Christmas dress, you did it again.
Josephine Chesterfield: I must say, Penny, these outfits are terribly clever.
Penny Rust: Old but gold.
[Thomas joins them]
Josephine Chesterfield: Happy Christmas.
Penny Rust: Thomas, I got you a present.
Thomas Westerburg: Thank you, Santa.
Josephine Chesterfield: Oh, I’m still here.
Total Quotes: 32
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