Starring: Kumail Nanjiani, Issa Rae, Paul Sparks, Anna Camp, Kyle Bornheimer, Betsy Borrego, Kelly Murtagh, Moses Storm
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Netflix’s romantic comedy directed by Michael Showalter. The story follows Jibran and Leilani (Kumail Nanjiani and Issa Rae), a couple on the brink of breaking up who get unintentionally embroiled in a bizarre murder mystery. Working to clear their names and solve the case, they need to figure out how they, and their relationship, can survive the night.
|Copyright Notice: It’s easy to see when our quotes have been copied and pasted, as you’re also copying our mistakes and movie scene descriptions. If you decide to copy our movie quotes please be kind and either link back, or refer back to our site. Please check out our copyright policies here. Thanks!|
[after they’ve spent the night together and decide to have breakfast]
Jibran: I did. I hung out with the crudites table all night, trying to work up the courage to talk to you, because I knew you’d be back.
Leilani: Well, I kept going back to the crudite table, trying to get you to notice me.
Jibran: I noticed you the moment you walked in the door.
Jibran: What’s your last name?
Leilani: Why? So you can Google-stalk me?
Jibran: No, I just want to know what to put in my phone.
Leilani: Oh. I’m not giving you my phone number.
[we then see her putting her number in his phone]
Jibran: You’ve made a huge mistake.
Leilani: [laughs] I knew it. I felt it in my gut.
[to Leilani as they kiss]
Jibran: You are unbelievable.
[four years later; we see Jibran and Leilani fighting]
Jibran: You are literally unbelievable! If I told someone, “This is what Leilani said to me,” they’d be like, “I don’t believe you.”
Jibran: You think we would win The Amazing Race!
Leilani: You don’t?
Jibran: You think, in a game show about a race around the f***ing world, you and me would come out on top.
Leilani: I did, but now I’m not so sure.
Jibran: We can’t even agree on a restaurant.
Leilani: We can’t agree on a restaurant, because you have a problem with every restaurant in New Orleans. The restaurant capital of the world, and you can’t decide.
Jibran: Actually, Hong Kong is the restaurant capital of the world.
Jibran: I don’t hate restaurants. I like restaurants.
Leilani: You literally spent several hours yesterday writing a negative Yelp review, with your white woman fingers, about that tapas place we went to, and I thought it was pretty tasty.
Jibran: It was very salty. I didn’t know I would get mouth-f***ed by the Dead Sea! And I don’t have white woman fingers. I’ve got meaty bronze.
[referring to her dress]
Leilani: How’s this?
Jibran: It’s fun.
Leilani: It’s fun? What do I look like, Chuck E. Cheese?
Jibran: But sexy. You’re like f*** E. Cheese.
Jibran: You’re asking me, Jibran, have I seen The Amazing Race?
Leilani: You’ve spent this entire time judging this show, and you’ve never seen an episode?
Jibran: I don’t need to see something to know I would hate it, okay? I’ve never been hit by a truck, but I know it would suck!
Jibran: I don’t want to rot my brain watching that reality show garbage.
Leilani: You make documentaries, okay? Those are just reality shows that no one watches!
Jibran: Documentaries are not reality shows. Documentaries are reality. Okay? My work is social activism. I don’t do it for the RTs.
Leilani: You don’t have to say RTs. Just say retweets, dad.
Leilani: What’s the rush? It’s not like we’re doing anything exciting afterward.
Jibran: I thought we were going to have s*x.
Leilani: Oh, yeah, because nothing gets me hotter than a plan in the day to have s*x at night. Wooh, freaky!
Jibran: You want freaky s*x? We could do freaky s*x. Just let me know what you want me to do, and I will do it to you at the designated time.
Leilani: That is the antithesis of freaky s*x! Okay?
Jibran: To win The Amazing Race, you need to be a team, you need to be on the same page. I feel like I’m on one page of the book, and you’re like reading a magazine.
Leilani: Yeah, I would love to be on the same page as you, but you’re always locked in your office editing that movie.
Jibran: It’s not a movie. This is a documentary about corruption in the educational system.
Leilani: How would I know? You won’t even show it to me. You’ve been working on it forever.
Jibran: I’ll show it to you whenever you want.
Leilani: Okay, great. How about tomorrow?
Jibran: I can’t do it tomorrow! I’m rendering the animation.
[after Leilani has liked a “liked” a social media post from their friends getting married]
Jibran: Since the day we’ve met, you’ve talked about how you think marriage is f***ing lame.
Leilani: I didn’t say “lame”. I said “problematic”.
Jibran: Right. Two people declaring their eternal love for each other. How problematic. You know what I think? I think you do want all that stuff. Marriage and kids. You just don’t want it with me.
Leilani: And I think that you just want someone with no expectations, so you can sit in that room by yourself for the rest of your life.
Jibran: I think you just want a relationship that you can brag about to your friends.
Leilani: Yeah, I do! And I’m not willing to settle.
Jibran: I don’t want to settle, either. That’s why I don’t want to be with someone who’s so f***ing shallow.
Leilani: And I don’t want to be with someone who’s so satisfied with being a failure.
Jibran: I can’t do this anymore.
Leilani: This isn’t working.
Jibran: Are we done?
Leilani: I think we’ve been done for a while.
[suddenly a man on a bike crashes into their car windscreen]
[after the man they hit rides away on his bike, another man suddenly bangs on their car]
Moustache: I need your car!
[he yanks open the door]
Moustache: I’m a police officer! He’s a criminal! Move the f*** over! Get in the back! Move, move, move!
[he gets into the driver’s seat and drives fast towards the man speeding away on a bike]
[as they’re chasing after the cyclist]
[Moustache crashes into the man’s bike, who goes flying over the car]
Jibran: Oh, my God!
[Moustache then proceeds to run over the man repeatedly]
Leilani: Oh, my God.
[Moustache gets out of the car and goes to check the cyclist’s body]
Jibran: I don’t think he’s a cop.
[referring to the cyclist]
Mr. Hipster: He’s f***ing dead!
Leilani: We know he’s dead, but we didn’t kill him.
[referring to Jibran]
Mrs. Hipster: He just said he killed him.
Jibran: No. I said I hit him with my car.
Mr. Hipster: Clearly it worked! You killed a guy with your car, man!
Leilani: What are you doing?
Mrs. Hipster: I’m calling 911.
Leilani: Please don’t do that. We would never hurt anyone.
[on the phone]
Mrs. Hipster: I’d like to report a murder, or whatever.
Leilani: We didn’t murder anybody!
Mrs. Hipster: [to Leilani] Yeah, stop.
Leilani: You stop!
Leilani: Oh, my God, the police aren’t going to believe us. Do you know how stupid we sound?
Jibran: On the count of three. Okay?
Leilani: On the count of three, what? What is that face? I can’t read your face!
Just say it.
Jibran: [quietly] On the count of three.
Jibran: One, two, three, go!
[Jibran starts running off; on the phone to the police]
Mrs. Hipster: The guy just ran for it.
Mrs. Hipster: Okay, the guy’s name is Jibran.
Jibran: Run, Leilani!
Mrs. Hipster: And the girl’s name is actually Leilani.
[Leilani starts to run off]
Mrs. Hipster: Okay, she’s running too now. She just happens to be African-American, and he just happens to be a person of color as well. But I don’t like think they’re murderers because they’re minorities. I think they’re murderers because they literally just killed a guy, and he’s laying here.
Jibran: We have to go to the police.
Leilani: Us? You and me? How do you think that’s going to go?
Jibran: It’s the best bad idea.
Leilani: No, it’s not. They’re going to arrest us in two seconds.
Jibran: Maybe we just tell them the truth.
Leilani: Jibran, the truth sounds crazy. What are you going to say to them?
Jibran: “Hello, Officer. We are turning ourselves in, for now, because we have nothing to hide.”
Leilani: “Then why did you run from the scene of the crime?”
Jibran: “Good question, Officer. That’s why you’re good at your job. It’s because we looked guilty. Which was scary for us, because we are not guilty. So, in a way, us running only proves that we are…”
[Leilani puts her hand over her chest]
Leilani: “That’s me covering up my bodycam, so I can beat your a**. You’re a f***ing liar.”
[as they continue act out telling their story to the cops]
Leilani: “Look at your murderous beard, and your murderous brow.”
Jibran: You said you liked the beard.
Leilani: Your beard looks like murder.
Jibran: You know that song “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha going to do”? We’re the bad boys. What are we going to do?
Leilani: Yeah, I know that song “Who Let the Dogs Out”. And I’m always like who did let the dogs out?
Jibran: Are we just talking about songs that we remember?
Leilani: You started it.
Jibran: Okay, so you’re suggesting we actually go out there and solve a murder? That’s what you’re suggesting?
Leilani: Kind of.
Jibran: Who the f*** do you think we are? Hobbs and Shaw? We’re not even a couple. We couldn’t figure out our relationship. You think that we’re going to figure out who killed Bicycle?
Leilani: Jibran, all we need is a name. We get Mustache’s name, we take it to the police, and then we’re in the clear. We have ten minutes to get there.
Jibran: I don’t think this is a good idea at all.
Leilani: I know you’re scared, Ji. And I’m scared too. But…
[as a man walking with a dog walks passed them they both start laughing fakely]
Jibran: What a sweet baby. Woof-woof.
[as he agrees to Leilani’s idea of finding out Moustache’s name]
Jibran: But if you’re wrong and we spend the rest of our lives on death row, I’m going to be so pi**ed at you.
Leilani: That’s fair.
[after Jibran and Leilani are captured by Edie and Brett]
Edie: I just love the smell of sizzling bacon, don’t you? The only problem is the grease! Y’all ever see a bad grease burn? It is remarkable the damage a little hot oil can do. I’m going to give you both a choice, okay? All the grease in this pan, or what’s behind this door.
Edie: I said, bacon grease, or door. It’s up to you. And you’re first, Mr. Bing-Bong.
Leilani: Take the grease.
Jibran: Are you serious? It’s boiling hot grease. And she could pour the grease on my face!
Jibran: Edie, may I ask a question? Do I get to know prior to making my decision where you’ll be pouring the grease?
Edie: Um, yeah. It’ll probably most definitely be your face.
Jibran: Thank you.
[to Leilani, in a thick country accent, mimicking Edie’s accent]
Jibran: She said probably my face.
Jibran: We’re single now. I have to go out into the dating world. How do you think I’m going to do on Bumble?
Leilani: Scars are super sexy.
Jibran: Oh, you like burn scars?
Leilani: After this, I’m going to seek out a guy with a burnt face.
Jibran: You promise? I’m going to stalk your Facebook so hard. And if you’re not with a f***ing burn victim, I’m going to be so very upset.
Leilani: Well, thanks for reminding me to block you. I’m blocking you right after this.
[after Jibran chooses to take what’s behind the door]
Edie: Open the door.
[Brett slides the door open and we see the back of a horse]
Jibran: Is it going to s**t on me?
[Edie clicks her tongue and the horse kicks out at Jibran; to Leilani]
Jibran: Take the grease.
[after they get away from Edie and Brett]
Jibran: I never want to see a horse again in my life.
[referring to the outfit she changed into]
Leilani: What, I look stupid? Kind of like unicorn throw-up?
Jibran: No, you look the opposite. Unstupid.
Jibran: Can I just say this is the most bats**t crazy night ever?
Leilani: You’ve never been framed for murder and tortured with bacon grease?
[Jibran starts laughing]
What do you think of The Lovebirds quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments below as we’d love to know.