Starring: Kumail Nanjiani, Issa Rae, Paul Sparks, Anna Camp, Kyle Bornheimer, Betsy Borrego, Kelly Murtagh, Moses Storm
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Netflix’s romantic comedy directed by Michael Showalter. The story follows Jibran and Leilani (Kumail Nanjiani and Issa Rae), a couple on the brink of breaking up who get unintentionally embroiled in a bizarre murder mystery. Working to clear their names and solve the case, they need to figure out how they, and their relationship, can survive the night.
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[after they’ve spent the night together and decide to have breakfast]
Jibran: I did. I hung out with the crudites table all night, trying to work up the courage to talk to you, because I knew you’d be back.
Leilani: Well, I kept going back to the crudite table, trying to get you to notice me.
Jibran: I noticed you the moment you walked in the door.
Jibran: What’s your last name?
Leilani: Why? So you can Google-stalk me?
Jibran: No, I just want to know what to put in my phone.
Leilani: Oh. I’m not giving you my phone number.
[we then see her putting her number in his phone]
Jibran: You’ve made a huge mistake.
Leilani: [laughs] I knew it. I felt it in my gut.
[to Leilani as they kiss]
Jibran: You are unbelievable.
[four years later; we see Jibran and Leilani fighting]
Jibran: You are literally unbelievable! If I told someone, “This is what Leilani said to me,” they’d be like, “I don’t believe you.”
Jibran: You think we would win The Amazing Race!
Leilani: You don’t?
Jibran: You think, in a game show about a race around the f***ing world, you and me would come out on top.
Leilani: I did, but now I’m not so sure.
Jibran: We can’t even agree on a restaurant.
Leilani: We can’t agree on a restaurant, because you have a problem with every restaurant in New Orleans. The restaurant capital of the world, and you can’t decide.
Jibran: Actually, Hong Kong is the restaurant capital of the world.
Jibran: I don’t hate restaurants. I like restaurants.
Leilani: You literally spent several hours yesterday writing a negative Yelp review, with your white woman fingers, about that tapas place we went to, and I thought it was pretty tasty.
Jibran: It was very salty. I didn’t know I would get mouth-f***ed by the Dead Sea! And I don’t have white woman fingers. I’ve got meaty bronze.
[referring to her dress]
Leilani: How’s this?
Jibran: It’s fun.
Leilani: It’s fun? What do I look like, Chuck E. Cheese?
Jibran: But sexy. You’re like f*** E. Cheese.
Jibran: You’re asking me, Jibran, have I seen The Amazing Race?
Leilani: You’ve spent this entire time judging this show, and you’ve never seen an episode?
Jibran: I don’t need to see something to know I would hate it, okay? I’ve never been hit by a truck, but I know it would suck!
Jibran: I don’t want to rot my brain watching that reality show garbage.
Leilani: You make documentaries, okay? Those are just reality shows that no one watches!
Jibran: Documentaries are not reality shows. Documentaries are reality. Okay? My work is social activism. I don’t do it for the RTs.
Leilani: You don’t have to say RTs. Just say retweets, dad.
Leilani: What’s the rush? It’s not like we’re doing anything exciting afterward.
Jibran: I thought we were going to have s*x.
Leilani: Oh, yeah, because nothing gets me hotter than a plan in the day to have s*x at night. Wooh, freaky!
Jibran: You want freaky s*x? We could do freaky s*x. Just let me know what you want me to do, and I will do it to you at the designated time.
Leilani: That is the antithesis of freaky s*x! Okay?
Jibran: To win The Amazing Race, you need to be a team, you need to be on the same page. I feel like I’m on one page of the book, and you’re like reading a magazine.
Leilani: Yeah, I would love to be on the same page as you, but you’re always locked in your office editing that movie.
Jibran: It’s not a movie. This is a documentary about corruption in the educational system.
Leilani: How would I know? You won’t even show it to me. You’ve been working on it forever.
Jibran: I’ll show it to you whenever you want.
Leilani: Okay, great. How about tomorrow?
Jibran: I can’t do it tomorrow! I’m rendering the animation.
[after Leilani has liked a “liked” a social media post from their friends getting married]
Jibran: Since the day we’ve met, you’ve talked about how you think marriage is f***ing lame.
Leilani: I didn’t say “lame”. I said “problematic”.
Jibran: Right. Two people declaring their eternal love for each other. How problematic. You know what I think? I think you do want all that stuff. Marriage and kids. You just don’t want it with me.
Leilani: And I think that you just want someone with no expectations, so you can sit in that room by yourself for the rest of your life.
Jibran: I think you just want a relationship that you can brag about to your friends.
Leilani: Yeah, I do! And I’m not willing to settle.
Jibran: I don’t want to settle, either. That’s why I don’t want to be with someone who’s so f***ing shallow.
Leilani: And I don’t want to be with someone who’s so satisfied with being a failure.
Jibran: I can’t do this anymore.
Leilani: This isn’t working.
Jibran: Are we done?
Leilani: I think we’ve been done for a while.
[suddenly a man on a bike crashes into their car windscreen]
[after the man they hit rides away on his bike, another man suddenly bangs on their car]
Moustache: I need your car!
[he yanks open the door]
Moustache: I’m a police officer! He’s a criminal! Move the f*** over! Get in the back! Move, move, move!
[he gets into the driver’s seat and drives fast towards the man speeding away on a bike]
[as they’re chasing after the cyclist]
[Moustache crashes into the man’s bike, who goes flying over the car]
Jibran: Oh, my God!
[Moustache then proceeds to run over the man repeatedly]
Leilani: Oh, my God.
[Moustache gets out of the car and goes to check the cyclist’s body]
Jibran: I don’t think he’s a cop.
[referring to the cyclist]
Mr. Hipster: He’s f***ing dead!
Leilani: We know he’s dead, but we didn’t kill him.
[referring to Jibran]
Mrs. Hipster: He just said he killed him.
Jibran: No. I said I hit him with my car.
Mr. Hipster: Clearly it worked! You killed a guy with your car, man!
Leilani: What are you doing?
Mrs. Hipster: I’m calling 911.
Leilani: Please don’t do that. We would never hurt anyone.
[on the phone]
Mrs. Hipster: I’d like to report a murder, or whatever.
Leilani: We didn’t murder anybody!
Mrs. Hipster: [to Leilani] Yeah, stop.
Leilani: You stop!
Leilani: Oh, my God, the police aren’t going to believe us. Do you know how stupid we sound?
Jibran: On the count of three. Okay?
Leilani: On the count of three, what? What is that face? I can’t read your face!
Just say it.
Jibran: [quietly] On the count of three.
Jibran: One, two, three, go!
[Jibran starts running off; on the phone to the police]
Mrs. Hipster: The guy just ran for it.
Mrs. Hipster: Okay, the guy’s name is Jibran.
Jibran: Run, Leilani!
Mrs. Hipster: And the girl’s name is actually Leilani.
[Leilani starts to run off]
Mrs. Hipster: Okay, she’s running too now. She just happens to be African-American, and he just happens to be a person of color as well. But I don’t like think they’re murderers because they’re minorities. I think they’re murderers because they literally just killed a guy, and he’s laying here.
Jibran: We have to go to the police.
Leilani: Us? You and me? How do you think that’s going to go?
Jibran: It’s the best bad idea.
Leilani: No, it’s not. They’re going to arrest us in two seconds.
Jibran: Maybe we just tell them the truth.
Leilani: Jibran, the truth sounds crazy. What are you going to say to them?
Jibran: “Hello, Officer. We are turning ourselves in, for now, because we have nothing to hide.”
Leilani: “Then why did you run from the scene of the crime?”
Jibran: “Good question, Officer. That’s why you’re good at your job. It’s because we looked guilty. Which was scary for us, because we are not guilty. So, in a way, us running only proves that we are…”
[Leilani puts her hand over her chest]
Leilani: “That’s me covering up my bodycam, so I can beat your a**. You’re a f***ing liar.”
[as they continue act out telling their story to the cops]
Leilani: “Look at your murderous beard, and your murderous brow.”
Jibran: You said you liked the beard.
Leilani: Your beard looks like murder.
Jibran: You know that song “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha going to do”? We’re the bad boys. What are we going to do?
Leilani: Yeah, I know that song “Who Let the Dogs Out”. And I’m always like who did let the dogs out?
Jibran: Are we just talking about songs that we remember?
Leilani: You started it.
Jibran: Okay, so you’re suggesting we actually go out there and solve a murder? That’s what you’re suggesting?
Leilani: Kind of.
Jibran: Who the f*** do you think we are? Hobbs and Shaw? We’re not even a couple. We couldn’t figure out our relationship. You think that we’re going to figure out who killed Bicycle?
Leilani: Jibran, all we need is a name. We get Mustache’s name, we take it to the police, and then we’re in the clear. We have ten minutes to get there.
Jibran: I don’t think this is a good idea at all.
Leilani: I know you’re scared, Ji. And I’m scared too. But…
[as a man walking with a dog walks passed them they both start laughing fakely]
Jibran: What a sweet baby. Woof-woof.
[as he agrees to Leilani’s idea of finding out Moustache’s name]
Jibran: But if you’re wrong and we spend the rest of our lives on death row, I’m going to be so pi**ed at you.
Leilani: That’s fair.
[after Jibran and Leilani are captured by Edie and Brett]
Edie: I just love the smell of sizzling bacon, don’t you? The only problem is the grease! Y’all ever see a bad grease burn? It is remarkable the damage a little hot oil can do. I’m going to give you both a choice, okay? All the grease in this pan, or what’s behind this door.
Edie: I said, bacon grease, or door. It’s up to you. And you’re first, Mr. Bing-Bong.
Leilani: Take the grease.
Jibran: Are you serious? It’s boiling hot grease. And she could pour the grease on my face!
Jibran: Edie, may I ask a question? Do I get to know prior to making my decision where you’ll be pouring the grease?
Edie: Um, yeah. It’ll probably most definitely be your face.
Jibran: Thank you.
[to Leilani, in a thick country accent, mimicking Edie’s accent]
Jibran: She said probably my face.
Jibran: We’re single now. I have to go out into the dating world. How do you think I’m going to do on Bumble?
Leilani: Scars are super sexy.
Jibran: Oh, you like burn scars?
Leilani: After this, I’m going to seek out a guy with a burnt face.
Jibran: You promise? I’m going to stalk your Facebook so hard. And if you’re not with a f***ing burn victim, I’m going to be so very upset.
Leilani: Well, thanks for reminding me to block you. I’m blocking you right after this.
[after Jibran chooses to take what’s behind the door]
Edie: Open the door.
[Brett slides the door open and we see the back of a horse]
Jibran: Is it going to s**t on me?
[Edie clicks her tongue and the horse kicks out at Jibran; to Leilani]
Jibran: Take the grease.
[after they get away from Edie and Brett]
Jibran: I never want to see a horse again in my life.
[referring to the outfit she changed into]
Leilani: What, I look stupid? Kind of like unicorn throw-up?
Jibran: No, you look the opposite. Unstupid.
Jibran: Can I just say this is the most bats**t crazy night ever?
Leilani: You’ve never been framed for murder and tortured with bacon grease?
[Jibran starts laughing]
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