Dee Dee Allen: [after their performance at monster truck] Trent, I could rip your face off.
Trent Oliver: I’m sorry.
Barry Glickman: You made me fail. I am so sick of failing. What do we do now?
Dee Dee Allen: We leave. First we kill Trent, then we leave.
Dee Dee Allen: [after they find out the prom is back on] See? We’re not narcissists
Principal Tom Hawkins: Just to be clear, it’s not because of you.
Emma Nolan: Well, maybe it was. I mean, everybody started freaking out when you got here. And the lawyer might’ve had legal power, but you really scared people.
Dee Dee Allen: We scared people.
Barry Glickman: What are you going to wear?
Emma Nolan: I was thinking like a vintage tux and some high tops. I don’t know. Does it matter?
Barry Glickman: Honey. Sweetheart. Boo-boo. I don’t know you, okay? And you don’t know me, but I am begging you, let me dress you for the prom.
Dee Dee Allen: Is there a restaurant in town that has plates, and cutlery?
Principal Tom Hawkins: Oh. There’s an Applebee’s by the mall. Would you like to go?
Dee Dee Allen: Yes. Take me now, to this Apples & Bees place.
Alyssa Greene: We have a prom because of you. It’s like a love bomb went off. I’ve seen six promposals today.
Emma Nolan: People are going to see us dancing together and kissing. It’s going to be impossible not to kiss you.
Alyssa Greene: Oh, my God. And, you know, what’s my mom going to think? I mean, she’ll be in public, so she can’t totally freak out.
Emma Nolan: It doesn’t matter what she does. This is about us. This is about us finally being us.
Mrs. Greene: Ms. Allen, I’m sure that you are very well-versed in the ways of the world, and Broadway in particular. That’s a community. But you don’t know us. You don’t know this town and our values.
Dee Dee Allen: No, well, I’m just here advocating on behalf of a young girl, whose voice perhaps is not heard by some in the community.
Mrs. Greene: Yes. Well, perhaps you should stick to acting instead of activism.
Principal Tom Hawkins: I’m single. Just putting that out there.
Dee Dee Allen: Really? I’m surprised.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Oh, well. I’m surprised you’re surprised. The two things I’m most passionate about in the world are Broadway musicals and secondary school administration.
Dee Dee Allen: Oh.
Principal Tom Hawkins: I typed that into a dating website once, and a little message popped up that said, “You will have zero matches forever.”
Dee Dee Allen: [to Hawkins] I wasn’t born on Broadway. You know? I’m from Zelienople, Pennsylvania. Yeah, I grew up dirt poor. This whole, all this, I invented it. Yeah. I’m just a small-town girl, and I had a big dream. Single. Just putting it out there.
Dee Dee Allen: So theater’s a distraction. Is that what you mean?
Principal Tom Hawkins: A distraction is momentary. An escape helps you heal.
Emma Nolan: So the only nice dress I have is this.
Barry Glickman: Wow. Okay, I mean, yeah. Yeah, you could wear that to prom, or, you know, keep it lying around in case there’s a remake of Little House on the Prairie.
Barry Glickman: [to Emma] The point is you are brave. And you made all this happen. When you walk into that gym tonight, you know what people are going to see? They’re going to see the bravest person on the planet.
Emma Nolan: This is so hard. Does every girl go through this?
Barry Glickman: Yes. All across town, girls are spraying on their tans, and whitening their teeth, trying to look their best for the prom. But they’re wasting their time, because they don’t have the glow that you have right now.
Barry Glickman: [singing] One thing’s universal. Life’s no dress rehearsal. So why not make some waves before it’s through. Go big or you’ve blown it. It’s time that you own it. Let’s make it clear that tonight belongs to you.
Emma Nolan: [referring to her prom dress] Are you sure it’s not too girly?
Dee Dee Allen: No, it’s just the right amount of girly.
Emma Nolan: [as they turn up at the gym for the prom] Where is everybody?
Dee Dee Allen: Something is really wrong. The whole parking lot is completely empty.
Sheldon: God. What’s the theme of this prom? Death row?
Angie Dickinson: [after they find out there are two proms] Oh, my God. This is so cruel.
Barry Glickman: I’m going to cry.
Alyssa Greene: Look, my mother’s here.
Emma Nolan: [crying] Well, leave her. Tell her you’re gay! Tell her we’re in love. That was the plan, wasn’t it?
Alyssa Greene: I’m really sorry.
Emma Nolan: Have fun at the normal person’s prom.
Dee Dee Allen: This is a complete disaster.
Sheldon: This is a PR problem.
Dee Dee Allen: No, Sheldon. We had a PR problem back in New York. This was supposed to solve that. But this, this is heartbreaking.
Principal Tom Hawkins: This is why you came here? For publicity?
Emma Nolan: I can’t even wrap my head around this. It’s a nightmare. Oh, my God!
Angie Dickinson: I want to be the cockeyed optimist here, because I played Nellie Forbush in South Pacific. It was a dinner theater production, but this is horrible. It really is.
Emma Nolan: Thanks for hanging out with me these past couple of days. You’ve been a good friend.
Angie Dickinson: I have?
Emma Nolan: You have. You seem surprised.
Angie Dickinson: No. I just, I’m a chorus girl. You know, I just, no one ever thanks me. They don’t even see me. I spend my whole life trying to stay in the game, and keep my day drinking under control. That’s really nice. Thanks, kid.
Emma Nolan: I thought that when my parents rejected me, and stopped loving me, that I would never feel any worse, you know? And now this. And I feel worse.
Angie Dickinson: Honey.
Emma Nolan: I’ve never felt so alone in my life.
Angie Dickinson: But you’re not alone. You’re not. You got me. Hm? And we are ride or die, and you do have friends.
Emma Nolan: Where are they?
Barry Glickman: We brought Häagen-Dazs.
Trent Oliver: That’s fancy ice cream.
Emma Nolan: I know what Häagen-Dazs is. Hand it over.
Barry Glickman: Emma, I know you said you didn’t want us to help anymore, but we cannot let them get away with this. We have got to fight back.
Dee Dee Allen: Okay, I know everybody’s really angry. But I think we have to admit that we have made things worse. I think the best thing we can do is disinfect our things and go back home.
Barry Glickman: Emma, you’ve got to step up and be the face of this thing.
Angie Dickinson: And that’s going to get her a prom?
Barry Glickman: This is not about a prom anymore. This is about right and wrong. We need a national audience, prime time.
Trent Oliver: There must be a way to rid this community, and by extension, the nation, of this cancer of intolerance.
Barry Glickman: What are you even doing here? What happened to Godspell?
Trent Oliver: Indianapolis was canceled, as was the naval base at Guantánamo Bay. What I’m thinking I’m going to do is this. Venture forth and seek out the young people, and rap, in a non-musical sense.
Emma Nolan: Before you lecture me, or kick me to death with those crazy antelope legs of yours, or whatever you’re going to do, I know I should do something. I just can’t.
Angie Dickinson: You got to do this. You got to do it for all of us people that are standing in the wings, waiting to go on.
Angie Dickinson: [to Emma] Let me tell you a story. It’s 1975, and the original company of Chicago is in previews, and the worst flu in history hits the cast. They’re down to the third cover for the role of Roxie Hart, and she’s scared, just like you are. And Fosse, who is a real ballbuster, is putting her through her paces, and she’s petrified. Worst of all, she’s doing the routine like she’s a robot. So the Foss, he says, “Hey, kid. Snap out of it. You got the steps. You’ve got the notes. Where’s the zazz, baby?”
Angie Dickinson: And even though she’d never heard that word before, she knew immediately what it meant. And she went out there, and she found that spotlight, and she crushed that performance so hard, she had that whole audience standing on their feet screaming bloody murder!
Emma Nolan: And that girl was you!
Angie Dickinson: What? How old do you think I am? It was 1975. No! The point is every Fosse girl knows that story. It’s all about finding your light.
Barry Glickman: [as they’re watching a movie] We shouldn’t be doing this.
Dee Dee Allen: Oh, it’s rom-com Friday. Rom-com Friday is sacred.
Dee Dee Allen: [referring to the mask] How does this work, anyway?
Barry Glickman: It’s infrared. It reduces inflammation.
Dee Dee Allen: Oh, good.
Barry Glickman: But you can’t keep it on too long. It’ll blow your face off.
Dee Dee Allen: What?!
Barry Glickman: Can I make an observation?
Dee Dee Allen: Is it a pleasant observation, or is it an irritating one?
Barry Glickman: [referring to Dee Dee’s ex-husband] You’re not over him.
Dee Dee Allen: No, don’t say that. Trust me. I am way over him. I’m just mad at myself, you know. I am so, at why it took me so long to figure it out. You know? I believed him. I believed him every single time. “I promise you, it’s nothing. It’s meaningless. She’s nothing to me. It’s over.” I finally got the message, you know. He didn’t love me. He didn’t even like me. But he liked the money. Oh, yeah. So I got out. I got out, and I gave him half my money. And now here we are, singing to trucks. And he’s got a hit TV show. And I still owe him half my unemployment check.
Dee Dee Allen: [referring to her ex-husband] And you know what the worst part is? I shut down. He took my little, delicate blueberry heart, and he just squished it.
Barry Glickman: Here’s what you’re going to do, okay? You’re going to wear something heart-stopping, like that yellow cape, and those cute little boots. And you are going to march down to that principal’s office like a bad, bad girl.
Dee Dee Allen: Tom? Tom is a fan. Friend.
Barry Glickman: Well, he likes you.
Dee Dee Allen: As a fan. Friend. I don’t know. Not even that much anymore.
Barry Glickman: Okay, let’s cut the crap. I would kill, kill, to have a guy look at me the way that he looks at you.
Dee Dee Allen: Stop it. You’re just, you’re poking my heart with your finger.
Barry Glickman: Your still beating, delicate little blueberry heart?
Dee Dee Allen: Do you think he really, really likes me?
Barry Glickman: Oh, my God. Yes!
Dee Dee Allen: I’ve been thinking about you since we got here.
Barry Glickman: Oh, God. I knew this was going to somehow turn around to me.
Dee Dee Allen: And I think it’s time somebody poked that gay little heart of yours.
Barry Glickman: [referring to his parents] I told them that I was gay, and they said that they would take me to therapy to change myself completely.
Dee Dee Allen: Let your parents see who you are before it’s too late. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.
Barry Glickman: I’m not the one who should have regrets. I was the kid. I was the kid! I was sixteen. Sixteen years old. I was terrified. Terrified! And I needed one thing from them, and they couldn’t give it to me.
Dee Dee Allen: Am I interrupting something?
Principal Tom Hawkins: I was just doing some research, trying to figure out if urinal cakes are poisonous.
Dee Dee Allen: Well, I’ve just been wandering around town all day. I’ve seen the sight. And bottom line is, I just thought you might want to take me to dinner and worship me again.
Principal Tom Hawkins: No, I would not like to do that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got work to do.
Dee Dee Allen: Why is everybody always so mad at me?
Principal Tom Hawkins: Well, speaking for myself, it’s because you’re an opportunist. You came here for publicity. You’re a terrible person.
Dee Dee Allen: No, no. Nobody gets to talk to me that way. Nobody!
Principal Tom Hawkins: You know, meeting you in person has been colossally disappointing. I wanted you to be Dolores.
Dee Dee Allen: Who the hell is Dolores?
Principal Tom Hawkins: From Swallow the Moon. She was joyful. She was full of courage and hope.
Dee Dee Allen: Okay, but she was fictional.
Principal Tom Hawkins: But you made her real.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Such humility and dignity. That’s who I thought you were.
Dee Dee Allen: Well, I’m not. I’m not Dolores. I’m just a really, really, really good actress. And you, you’re just some hick town high school teacher, who can’t even tell the difference between fantasy and reality.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Are we done?
Dee Dee Allen: Oh, yeah. We’re done.
Principal Tom Hawkins: [as Dee Dee is singing for him] You’re trying to appeal to the fan in me. Well, it won’t work. I’m not a fan anymore.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Seriously, Dee Dee, this is unsettling. It’s like having a fantasy I don’t want to have.
Principal Tom Hawkins: [referring to Dee Dee’s performance] Okay. I got to admit, that got to me.
Dee Dee Allen: See? See? I’m not a total lost cause. That was a totally selfless act. I mean, people would pay premium prices for that performance.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Dee Dee, not charging for an apology is not a selfless act.
Dee Dee Allen: What the hell?
Principal Tom Hawkins: If you want people to like you instead of hate you, you have to be good. A good person. You have to put other people’s interests before your own.
Dee Dee Allen: You don’t understand. I am a celebrity. It is all about me. It has been for decades. That’s the point of celebrity. So I have to be reprogrammed. I have to unlearn things, like shoving and taking. You know, I need help with that. I need a teacher. Please.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Let’s go someplace and talk about how to be good human beings.
Dee Dee Allen: Apples & Bees?
Emma Nolan: Do you know what it was like standing there in that stupid dress alone in the gym, knowing that people got together and planned the best way to hurt me?
Alyssa Greene: That must’ve been awful.
Emma Nolan: It was. But the worst part, the worst part was that you didn’t come, even though you knew what happened. You didn’t come and try and hold my hand, or take me out of there.
Emma Nolan: I’m going to go public and tell my story. Will you do it with me?
Alyssa Greene: I want to. I…
Emma Nolan: Yeah, wanting to isn’t enough. I believe you have feelings for me. But I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much.
Alyssa Greene: Are you breaking up with me?
Emma Nolan: I guess I am, yeah. Bye.
Trent Oliver: I’m Trent. I’m an actor. My instrument was forged in the fiery furnace that is Juilliard. I’m sure your drama teachers told you about that institution.
Student: We don’t have a drama program.
Trent Oliver: That explains your general lack of empathy.
Barry Glickman: Dee Dee! You saved the day!
Dee Dee Allen: Yeah, I did. I love giving back. It’s my new thing.
Emma Nolan: And I’m going to take a stand. And I want to thank you all because without your love and support, I never would have found the courage. But the reason I came was to tell you that I’m going to do it my way. I’m not going on TV.
Dee Dee Allen: You owe me a house!
Emma Nolan: I’m going to do my thing, and in the end, there will be a kick-a** prom in Edgewater, Indiana, for everybody, regardless of who they happen to love. I know it.
Barry Glickman: That would be wonderful.
Emma Nolan: And when that happens, I want you to be my date.
Barry Glickman: Wait, but what about…
Emma Nolan: We broke up. Just say yes. There’s no one in the world I’d rather go with.
Barry Glickman: God. Don’t make me cry. Of course I will go with you.
Emma Nolan: Hello, Interweb. My name is Emma Nolan, and I’m seventeen, and I’m gay. You might have heard about the fake prom in Indiana. That was me. It was awful in every way, and I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. So I wrote a song for all the people out there who love someone in a way that the world just doesn’t understand. I know we all have stories to tell. And here’s mine.
Barry Glickman: Okay, people. It’s Mickey and Judy time. Okay? This is the part where we roll up our sleeves, and we put on a prom with our own bare hands. We are giving Emma the prom she deserves.
Barry Glickman: [for financing Emma’s new prom] Right. Okay. Here. Charge that until it declines, which will be soon. I had to declare bankruptcy after my self-produced Notes on a Scandal.
Trent Oliver: [to Hawkins] Okay. This is my card from the Actors Federal Credit Union. Just cross your fingers and swipe.
Barry Glickman: I know you’ve got an American Express black card in there. There’s no limit on that baby.
Dee Dee Allen: Please, please, no. I already gave a house.
Barry Glickman: Exactly, so this is nothing. Come on.
Dee Dee Allen: Why does being good cost so much money?
Principal Tom Hawkins: We’re fully financed.
Barry Glickman: Okay. Well, let’s give this girl a prom!
Vera: [after Dee Dee gets Barry’s mother to come talk to him] I handled this all wrong, honey. And I’m so sorry.
[Barry stops her from coming close to him]
Barry Glickman: Okay. You just stay…
Vera: When you told us what you were, who you were, your father and I, we were scared. We hardly knew what gay meant. We both thought that somehow we had failed you, like maybe it was our fault.
Barry Glickman: So it’s okay now? What I needed was a mother who didn’t know if it was okay but loved me anyway. You think you were scared? How do you think I felt?
Vera: [crying] I know, Barry. I failed you and I know! That’s going to be on my heart till the day I die. But all I can say is I was wrong, and I’m sorry.
Mrs. Greene: [referring to Emma’s video] Aren’t you tired of watching that?
Alyssa Greene: Eight million people have seen it.
Mrs. Greene: I just don’t understand it.
Alyssa Greene: Well, I think it’s brave.
Emma Nolan: Can I just say, you guys are the best middle-aged people I’ve ever met.
Barry Glickman: [revealing the real reason they came to help her] Well, I mean, and we got blasted by the critics. They called us narcissists, and it hurt. And it hurt because I guess they were right.
Dee Dee Allen: So we looked around for a cause, you know, that might give us some credibility. Maybe get us some good press.
Trent Oliver: Like building a house for Habitat for Humanity.
Barry Glickman: Then we realized that we’re not capable of building anything.
Angie Dickinson: And then I found you on Twitter. I mean, it was just dumb luck, but meant to be.
Emma Nolan: Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re going to build something. You’re going to build a prom.
Mrs. Greene: I’m going to be as clear as I possibly can. Your beliefs are not our beliefs.
Emma Nolan: [after the students apologize to her] What? I thought you hated me. I thought you all hated me.
Trent Oliver: Oh, they hated you. They hated you with a burning passion stoked by centuries of intolerance, and the lack of a drama program.
Principal Tom Hawkins: You’re hired!
Trent Oliver: I’m a teacher!
Dee Dee Allen: As a temp.
Principal Tom Hawkins: Absolutely.
Alyssa Greene: People don’t turn gay. They are who they are.
Mrs. Greene: No. You don’t know what you’re saying.
Alyssa Greene: I do. I do. Look, I know how you were raised. But the world’s a different place. And sure, it’s not great, but it’s better because of people who have the courage to be who they are. People like her.
[looks over to Emma]
Alyssa Greene: [to Mrs. Greene] I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be me. So here goes. I love you, Emma Nolan.
Barry Glickman: Oh, my God.
Emma Nolan: I love you too.
Mrs. Greene: Alyssa. No, listen to me. You are very young, and you are confused. You don’t know what is… I just don’t want you to have a hard life.
Alyssa Greene: It’s already hard.
Angie Dickinson: I just got the call! Tina Louise has shingles! They want me to go on as Roxie Hart!
Emma Nolan: What did you tell them?
Angie Dickinson: I said, “No way. I got a prom to go to.”
Barry Glickman: Attagirl!
Angie Dickinson: No! Just kidding. I’m on the red-eye tomorrow. So let’s get this party started!
Alyssa Greene: [as her mother shows up to the new prom] Why are you here?
Mrs. Greene: We have a lot to talk about. But I’m here because there is one thing that matters to me more than anything else. You. You are my daughter, and I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, and that is never going to change. Ever. Okay?
Dee Dee Allen: [after Hawkins kisses her at the prom] Don’t let me destroy him.
Barry Glickman: I’ll try my best.
Dee Dee Allen: Is this what not failing feels like?
Barry Glickman: Yeah. I think it is. Pretty good, huh?
Dee Dee Allen: Yeah!