Starring: David Spade, Lauren Lapkus, Geoff Pierson, Sarah Chalke, Molly Sims, Nick Swardson, Jackie Sandler, Chris Witaske, Roman Reigns, Rob Schneider
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Netflix’s romantic comedy directed by Tim Spindel. The story follows Tim Morris (David Spade), who after meeting the woman of his dreams, Missy (Molly Sim), invites her to his company’s corporate retreat. However, he soon finds out he mistakenly texted the wrong Missy (Lauren Lapkus), from a previous nightmare blind date.
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[on their blind date]
Missy: By the way, the age thing doesn’t concern me. What are you, sixty-five?
Tim Morris: What the f****?
Missy: I know that’s a blond wig, and I don’t care.
[on their blind after Tim decides not to drink alcohol]
Missy: Here’s the thing. People who don’t drink, they always have a story.
Tim Morris: I don’t have a story. Sorry to disappoint you.
Missy: Okay, you don’t disappoint me, ever. Nothing you could ever do would disappoint me. I love you.
Tim Morris: How did you meet my grandmother again?
Missy: Jiffy Lube. Yeah.
Tim Morris: Oh.
Missy: She’s like, “My grandson would be so perfect for you.” I’m like, “Sign me up!” So, yeah.
Tim Morris: I have to visit her more often and possibly smother her.
Missy: Stop eye-f****ing me!
Tim Morris: I’m not. I’m just talking to you.
[we see she’s shouting at the guy sat at the table behind them]
Missy: I’m with someone! We’re trying to have a romantic dinner date here!
[after catching Tim trying to escape through the restaurant bathroom window]
Missy: When you went to the bathroom, Aquaman started mouthing off again. So I sort of flashed him.
Tim Morris: You flashed him your breasts?
Missy: No, I didn’t flash him my breasts. I showed him Sheila.
[referring to her crotch area]
Tim Morris: Like your Sheila?
Missy: No. My friend, my protector, Sheila.
[she takes a giant knife out of her bag]
Tim Morris: Gah! What are you, Crocodile Dundee?
Missy: What? It’s a blind date. What if you were some psycho? Then I could behead you.
Nate: [to Tim] Dude, come on. It’s been three months since you went out with that crazy f****. It was one date. The walking boot’s off, running shoes on. Run to a v**ina.
Tim Morris: I’m off to Newark.
Tim Morris: If Miss Right is out there, she can find me. I’m a hello away.
Nate: Is that a line from The Affair?
Tim Morris: Yes, it is.
Melissa: I have to say, this has turned out to be the best time I’ve had with a guy in a really long time.
Tim Morris: Me too! Me too. With a girl. But that’s not saying that much.
[seeing a photo of Melissa]
Jess: Miss Maryland? You got to be kidding me.
Nate: I’m not. She graduated top of her class, not on top of her professor, like you.
Jess: Later, Siegfried and Doy.
Nate: Okay. Good talk.
Tim Morris: I’m Siegfried.
Nate: I’m Doy, I guess.
Tim Morris: No s**t. Who cares?
[referring to Melissa and inviting her to their corporate retreat in Hawaii]
Nate: She’s amazing. What woman wouldn’t want to leave Portland and go to the tropics?
Tim Morris: She’s not going to come. I’ve only known her a week.
Nate: Dude, it’s a no-brainer. Text her, now!
[to Tim after he’s texted Missy]
Nate: She said yes! Yeah! Have her email my assistant all of her info. I’ll book you on the same flight. Oh, my God! Aloha, m*therf****er! I told you! Yes! I won! I won!
[after the wrong Missy turns up on the plane]
Missy: Tim, when I caught you climbing out of that bathroom window, I thought to myself, “He’s just a flake like all the other guys,” you know? Then I got that text from you, and it was just like, you saved my life.
Tim Morris: No, actually, I didn’t. This is actually just a big mis…
Missy: Yes, you did. You’re not just my soulmate, Tim. You’re my savior. There I was, about to jump off the highest bridge in Portland. But I didn’t. Because it was one hell of a first date, and it was fate. Thank you for not breaking my heart. Because that would just be disastrous for me.
[as the stewardess brings them their drinks]
Missy: Two for me. None for you.
Tim Morris: [softly] F****!
Missy: Okay. To the best weekend ever!
[as they’re being offered cocktails at the retreat]
Hotel Employee: We have a couple of local favorites. We have the Mai Tai, or the Tropical Itch.
Missy: If I get a tropical itch from this guy, I’m going to be a tropical b**ch! Thirty-five years on this planet, not one STD. Can you say the same?
[after they’re run into Tim’s ex, Julia at the retreat]
Missy: You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type. In fact, if you want to f****face me, I’m totally cool with it.
Tim Morris: F****face you?
Missy: Yeah, you know, if you want to imagine her face on my face when we f****, I’m more than comfortable with that.
Tim Morris: Well, I’m definitely not comfortable with any part of that.
[as they enter their room at the retreat]
Missy: Oh, my God! Are you rich?! What the f**** is this?! I made it! I made it! Yeah! All my teachers can eat my a**hole!
[giving a speech at the retreat]
Jack Winstone: We got a lot of great things planned for this retreat. Especially the talent show, which I know we’re all very excited about. And I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you and your better halves. Enjoy!
Tim Morris: The girl in my room is not who I thought she was.
Nate: Well, that’s your fault for trying to get to know her. That’s on you, bud.
Tim Morris: Remember that crazy blind date I had a while ago? This whole time I thought I was texting my dream girl, I’m texting that girl.
Nate: Dude, that happened to me. I accidentally sent my uncle a d**k pic. He saw it, had a stroke. It was awful. It was like a nightmare for our family.
Tim Morris: I don’t give a f**** about your uncle at all. This is real! What do I do?
Nate: Dude, just come clean!
Jess: My husband, Paul, was a Guess Jeans model.
Paul: I used to have really skinny legs and a great a**. They photo-shopped my bottom half on Claudia Schiffer’s torso.
Nate: Who do you model for now? Cinnabon?
Tim Morris: Listen, I may have gone a little bit overboard in bragging about you, saying you were a two-sport collegiate athlete, and you may, or may not have won a beauty contest in the past.
Missy: Oh, my God. You’re obsessed with me. Oh, my God. Okay. We’re either going to end up married, or I’m going to end up naked and dead in a ravine somewhere.
Tim Morris: I don’t see that happening.
Missy: Which one? I’m down for either.
Tim Morris: Would you do me a favor? This is my company’s corporate retreat. It’s a big deal.
Missy: Yeah, huge. Yeah.
Tim Morris: So, please, will you keep things cool, calm, and very collected.
Missy: You’re so worried, Tim. Okay, I’m a people person. Have you not noticed that?
Tim Morris: Yeah.
Missy: I’m going to have all these boring bankers eating out of the palm of my hand.
Tim Morris: Says a lot about your wife, huh?
Jack Winstone: Yeah, she’s a gorgeous woman. I’m damn proud of what she’s accomplished. There’s not many people can say they’ve put Evander Holyfield on his back.
[as the crowd chants for Missy to jump off the cliff]
Tim Morris: Okay, well, I’m not letting you jump, right? I don’t want you dying.
Missy: Look how much he cares about me, everybody. He loves me.
Tim Morris: Guys, show is over. No one’s diving today.
[Missy runs towards the cliff and screams]
Missy: I love you, Tim Morris!
[as she goes to jump off the cliff, she stumbles on the rocks]
Tim Morris: S**t! S**t! Oh, my God!
[as Missy falls she hits rocks on the way down]
Missy: Jesus! F****!
Nate: Oh, my God!
[she then hits a tree branch before falling flat on her face on the beach]
Jess: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone dive in the ocean, and miss.
Nate: She’s alive! Damn it!
Missy: Oh, you’re f****facing me, aren’t you? Cool!
Tim Morris: No, no, I’m not! No.
Missy: Yes, you are! Yeah, it’s okay. I’m doing it to you too, Simon Cowell. Now close your eyes and tell me I suck at singing!
Tim Morris: [screams] You’re going to Hollywood!
Jack Winstone: Now, this is the real shark tank. There’s no lights, no cameras, but one whole hell of a lot more action. Because, you see, here, instead of facing Mark Cuban, or Mr. Wonderful, you’ll be facing actual sharks, which my new friend Komante here tells me are known all too well in these waters. Komante.
Komante: There’s sharks all over this goddamn place.
Nate: Komante, uh, what happened to your fingers?
[Komante indicates he lost his fingers to a shark]
Nate: Oh, my God.
Jack Winstone: I warned you there would be no weak-a** trust fall kind of crap this weekend. And so, without further ado, what do you say we set sail?
Komante: Let’s do it! Let’s go f**** up some sharks.
[Komante repeatedly puts the oxygen tube into his mouth to test it out]
Komante: You’re good. Go ahead, grab it.
Tim Morris: [disgustedly] I put that in my mouth now?
Komante: Yeah, it goes right in your mouth.
[to Tim; referring to his severed fingers]
Komante: Hey, if you see the shark that did this to me, you tell him, from me, “Wassup?! Wassup, baby?”
[imitates taking a call with his hand and fingers]
Komante: Excuse me. I got to take this. Wassup?
Nate: I don’t know. I liked Free Willy, dude. I thought it was good. I mean, I can see why you wouldn’t.
Komante: Well, I didn’t think the whale was likable. You got to have a likable whale. I mean, otherwise, if the whale’s an a**hole, who’s going to care?
Missy: You got to meet our neighbor, Barbara. She and her husband heard us going at it last night. They almost called security. They thought there was a little girl being tortured in here. You’re the little girl.
Tim Morris: Yes, I understand.
Missy: Did you? Did you get that?
Tim Morris: In that scenario, yes.
Missy: Mm-hmm. I feel bad for her though. She said her husband hasn’t made a noise like that since their honeymoon thirty years ago. So I gave her some free tips.
Tim Morris: [to Missy] You should go to a spa, and then maybe, you know, like canoe out to an island and just chill, like if there’s one nearby, or far.
[referring to Missy hypnotizing Winstone]
Tim Morris: But it better not be dangerous.
Missy: No, the second you want it to end, you just say the magic phrase, and he snaps out of it.
Tim Morris: But what if someone accidentally says it first?
Missy: No one’s going to say it. It’s “Hairy werewolf v**ina with yellow teeth and a tongue”.
Tim Morris: Good God! That’s what it is?
Missy: So are you ready to tell me why you don’t drink?
Tim Morris: I can tell you. I mean, I’m a little crazy too.
Nate: So, I don’t have any actual bud. Because airport security would’ve clipped me, dude. So I do have weed toothpaste. Wait. Weed deodorant. Wait. Weed chapstick. And this is the best, Tim. Weed hair-growth foam. Dude, you put it on your hair. Your hair grows as you get high as f****.
Tim Morris: You’re so weird.
Komante: It works. I put some on my p**bes. I got the biggest bush in the whole f****ing island.
[referring to Julia]
Missy: Now, thanks to a little liquid courage, our little Lady Lu here confided in me that she still harbors pretty strong feelings for you. And I’m pretty sure you have feelings for her too. Now, I’m no certified sex therapist, at least not yet. Two classes left. But from my experience, I know the only way to see if there’s either a future, or to have absolute closure, is to “ride the bus”.
Tim Morris: What’s that, ride the bus?
Missy: B-U-S. Break-up sex.
Melissa: Did I do something wrong?
Tim Morris: No. You’re perfect. We read the same books. We laugh at the same jokes. We’re both tens. You’re f****ing hot. But I met somebody else, and she’s loud, and she’s borderline psychotic. She carries a knife. But I think I’m falling in love with her. I don’t know, but I’m sorry.
Melissa: Tim, it’s all good. I mean, we made out in a janitor’s closet. I think I’ll be okay. So where is this girl?
Tim Morris: Oh, she took off. She flew off. I broke her heart!
Employee: Mr. Winstone, Tim Morris is here.
Jack Winstone: I love that guy.
[Tim enters his office]
Jack Winstone: Well, Tim, excited about the new gig? You’ve really been kicking a**.
Tim Morris: Hairy werewolf v**ina with yellow teeth and a tongue.
Jack Winstone: Wait a second. You’re not my Nana!
Tim Morris: Yep.
Jack Winstone: Get the f**** out of here.
[Missy goes on a blind date set up by Tim, and sends her to the wrong date at the bar]
Vanilla Ice: Hey, what’s up?
Missy: You’re Vanilla Ice.
[as Tim’s watching the from another table]
Missy: Shut the f**** up.
Vanilla Ice: Care to join me?
Missy: More than anything in the world!
[to the bartender]
Missy: Okay. Two shots of tequila. We’re going to f****ing party.
Vanilla Ice: Wow. You put some ice-ice in there?
Missy: Yeah! Put ice-ice in it, baby! Yeah! Oh, my God! Wow, are we going to f**** tonight? Why are you even on a dating app?
Vanilla Ice: Playa’s got to play.
Tim Morris: I was playing your joke on you. Like we did when I met you.
Missy: No. The text said black hat and black sweatshirt, not shameless wig. Bye.
Vanilla Ice: It wasn’t me.
Missy: It was you, Rob.
Vanilla Ice: I wish it was, but good luck with shrimp-stick here.
Tim Morris: Can’t I get a second chance?
Missy: I don’t know, Tim.
Tim Morris: Look, I don’t want to be the guy that’s always serious. Or letting my boss’s approval just overshadow everything that should mean something in my life. And that’s why I quit my job today. I mean, f****, I want to travel. I want to go out and be free. I want to be fun. I want to be unapologetic about who I am. I want to have strong opinions about things I know nothing about. I want to carry a machete. I want to be like you.
Tim Morris: I never meant for any of this to happen, but I’m glad it did. It’s only been a couple weeks, but I don’t like my life as much without you.
[takes a rose from one of the tables]
Tim Morris: Would you accept this rose?
Missy: Okay, but later tonight, I’m f****facing you with Vanilla.
Tim Morris: Why don’t we have the real thing join us?
[loos back at Vanilla Ice]
Vanilla Ice: Not a chance, shrimp-d**k.
Tim Morris: Did he say no? Embarrassing.
[they start kissing]
[mid-credits lines; Komante is paddling Calvin Sr. to Portland]
Komante: I got this foam, and it really works. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed my overflowing p**bes.
Calvin Sr.: Is that what that is?
Calvin Sr.: I thought you were wearing a belt.
Komante: No, it ain’t no belt. You can try to pull on it. Go ahead. It’s just as good as a belt.
Calvin Sr.: No, it’s okay. Let’s just keep paddling.
Komante: Alright, when the sun goes down, you tug all you want.
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