Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Ben Stiller, Tom Cruise, Matthew McConaughey, Jack Black, Jay Baruchel, Brandon T. Jackson, Steve Coogan, Danny McBride, Nick Nolte, Bill Hader , Brandon Soo Hoo

OUR RATING: ★★★★★

Story:

Action comedy directed and co-written by Ben Stiller. The story follows a group of prima donna actors, Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), Jeff Portno (Jack Black), Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), and Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel), who are making a Vietnam War film. When their frustrated director, Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan), drops them in the middle of a jungle, they are forced to rely on their acting skills to survive the real action and danger.

 

Best Quotes  (Total Quotes: 147)


 

Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Alpa Chino’s Booty Sweat. Pop an ass open! Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars available at concessions now.


 

Trailer Announcer: [voice over] In 2013, when the Earth’s rotation came to a halt, the world called on the one man who could make a difference. When it happened again, the world called on him once more. And no one saw it coming three more times! Now, the one man who made a difference five times before, is about to make a difference again. Only this time, it’s different.
[Speedman is on an iceberg with everything behind him frozen. He has a set of twins on him and he’s holding two rifles]
Tugg Speedman: Who left the fridge open?
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Tugg Speedman. Scorcher Vl: Global Meltdown.
Tugg Speedman: [voice over] Here we go again. Again.


 

Trailer Announcer: [voice over] This summer, America’s favorite obese family is back.
[we see the same actor as different characters all of which start ripping giant farts in a restaurant]
Trailer Announcer: Jeff Portnoy. Jeff Portnoy.Jeff Portnoy. And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties: Fart Two…
Jeff Portnoy as one of the characters: In some countries…
[in another character Portnoy lets out a giant fart]
Jeff Portnoy as one of the characters: …it’s considered a compliment.
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Letting loose this summer.


 

Trailer Announcer: [voice over] In a time where to be different was to be condemned…
[Lazarus and Toby Maguire looks longingly at each other, both are dressed as monks]
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] …and to be condemned was to die, one man chose to question his God.
[We see Lazarus screaming angrily]
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] From Fox Searchlight, five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire. Winner of the Beijing Film Festival’s coveted Crying Monkey Award, “Satan’s Alley”.
[voice over whispers]
Kirk Lazarus as Father O’Mallie: I’ve been a bad, bad boy, Father.


 

Four Leaf Tayback: [narrating] In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. Of those two, just one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.


 

[soldier that has been shot in the head falls down with an unbelievable amount of blood shooting out the back of his head]
Jeff Portnoy as Fats: Get on that horn and get some firepower, boy!
Kevin Sandusky as Brooklyn: Jesus Christ!
Jeff Portnoy as Fats: Listen, you cherry fuck, you call in that snake and nape and get us some boom-boom now! I’d do it myself but I’m kind of goddamn busy!
[Fats tries to block the flow of blood with his hands, but the blood keep unbelievably shooting everywhere]


 

[Brooklyn gets bayoneted through the stomach by a Vietnamese soldier falling down with his guts all hanging out]
Kevin Sandusky as Brooklyn: I think I can put it back in!


 

Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Want some? Get some!


 

Alpa Chino as Motown: Hey, yo, Fats! I ain’t seen Four Leaf!
Jeff Portnoy as Fats: Don’t count him out! That bastard’s got luck tattooed to his ass!
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Motown, get your Detroit jukebox Jheri curl ass in this chicken shit chop-chop! ASAFP!


 

[whilst trying to get on the chopper Brooklyn spots Four Leaf getting riddled with bullets]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: I hope y’all like hamburger meat. Because that’s exactly what I’m going to be bringing back and serving up in this whirly bird.
[shouting to the soldiers in the chopper]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!


 

[putting the injured Four Leaf over his shoulder]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Come on, Leaf, let’s boogie!


 

[Osiris finds Four Leaf heavily injured after Four Leaf intercepts a hand grenade by pushing it away with his hands]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Look at you, man. Playing with grenades.


 

Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: Hold my hands, because I got something to sa…I got something to say.
[Osiris looks down at Four Leaf’s hands]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Oh, boy.
[he takes hold of Four Leaf’s stringy stumps]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You holding them?
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: I got them tight.


 

[Osiris is weeping like a baby out loud]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: I ain’t never been worth a nothing in this life, but I want you to know something.
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: What, man?
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You are my, you are my brother.
[screws up his face trying desperately to cry]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You are my brother. You are my, you are my…
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: I am your brother.
[he weeps even louder]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: I’m sorry. Could we cut?
[camera now pans back to reveal that this is actually a film location shooting a war scene with the director, Damien Cockburn, looking over the scene]
Damien Cockburn: What’s he saying?


 

[in the special effects pyro control tower; to his Asian Assistant]
Cody: That’s C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator. I need some dudes up here who speak American, God damn it! He’s making a fucking sweater back here. I’m trying to put Tiger Balm on this jungle’s nuts.


 

[after another failed attempt at trying to cry for the scene]
Tugg Speedman: You know what it is, Damien? I’m sorry. Not to get into his thing, but if I’m crying, should Osiris be crying, too?
Damien Cockburn: No, it’s everyone cry…
Kirk Lazarus: We cutting or we crying?
Damien Cockburn: No, no, no, we’re crying!
Kirk Lazarus: Just call it, man!
Damien Cockburn: Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.
Kirk Lazarus: Oh, thanks!
Damien Cockburn: Everybody cry…
Kirk Lazarus: You know what? You see how agitated he is now?
Tugg Speedman: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: Let’s make lemonade. Let’s go to work.
Damien Cockburn: Okay. Still rolling!


 

[after another failed attempt of Speedman not being able to cry]
Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can’t cry. That’s what’s going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what, Kirk? I’m ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it’s time to flip the script!
Damien Cockburn: Kirk…
Kirk Lazarus: Be here till Chinese New Year waiting for my man to cry.


 

[Damien tries to stop Kirk from walking off the set]
Damien Cockburn: Kirk, no!
Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag! I’m going potty. You want to hold my dick?


 

[after Kirk goes off set, Damien starts having a fit throwing his headphones off and throwing up his hands]
Damien Cockburn: Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks. Tropic tits!
[in the special effects tower Cody sees Damien throw up his hands]
Cody: That’s the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
Damien Cockburn: Goddamn shit-picking cock!


 

[after setting off the detonators and exploding the set]
Cody: Mother nature just pissed her pantsuit!


 

[Access Hollywood reporting on the Tropic Thunder disaster and how the Director can’t control his cast, we see a drunk looking Jeff Portnoy getting interviewed about his last movie]
Jeff Portnoy: Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. They say that the movie’s just about farts. It’s about family, and F…
[swear word gets bleeped]
Jeff Portnoy: …you! You can’t do what I do.


 

Access Hollywood Reporter: But the real heavyweight on the set is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus. The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays.
[snippets of Lazarus in different outrageous antics are shown and then a snippet of Lazarus speaking at an interview before turning himself into Osiris]
Kirk Lazarus: Well, being an actor is no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.
Access Hollywood Reporter: Lazarus underwent a controversial pigmentation alteration procedure in order to play the platoon’s African-American sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.


 

Access Hollywood Reporter: Trying to hold his own on screen with Kirk is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman. Once the highest grossing star in the world, lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat. Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.
[small segment of the interview with Tyra Banks is shown]
Tyra: You have no real family. You’re on the wrong side of forty. You’re childless and alone. Somebody close to you said, “One more flop and it’s over.”
Tugg Speedman: Somebody said they were close to me?


 

Access Hollywood Reporter It’s been a tough year for Tugg. The disappointing buddy comedy Chitling & the Dude was followed by an ill-advised venture into serious dramatic territory. Simple Jack, the story of a mentally impaired farmhand who can talk to animals, was a box office disaster that many critics called, “One of the worst movies of all time.”
[snippets of Speedman’s playing Simple Jack are shown]
Simple Jack: I ain’t got a go-go-good brain.
Rebecca: I think you’ve got a fine brain, Jack.
Simple Jack: You mu-mu-mu-muhhh-mu-mu-muhh make me ha-aaaapy!


 

[Speedman talking on the phone to his agent Rick Peck]
Rick Peck: Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it’s the Pecker. You got time for your agent?
Tugg Speedman: Rick?
Rick Peck: Hey, buddy, guess who I’m staring at right now.
Tugg Speedman: What?
Rick Peck: I’m looking at your ugly mug on the back cover of Vanity Fair magazine, holding a cute, cuddly panda from Cutesville. It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.


 

Tugg Speedman: Hey. You see that Access Hollywood piece?
Rick Peck: Yeah, I did. It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid. I mean, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, Tugg. You are a huge star, all right? But right now, you’re like that kid on the playground, you know, the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Rick Peck: I mean we got to shave your head and get you back on the monkey bars, right?


 

Rick Peck: How did the crying scene go?
Tugg Speedman: Horrible. Lazarus started crying. Then he starts drooling and dribbling, and it wasn’t even in the script…
Rick Peck: Woh, woh, stop right there! You got to buck up here, Tuggboat. Who cares how much more talented he may be than you? If he cries, you cry harder, man. Didn’t your dog have, like, leukemia or something when you were a kid? I mean, think of that. Boom! End of story.


 

Rick Peck: Hey, how’s the adoption thing coming, buddy?
Tugg Speedman: Not too great. I feel like all the good ones are gone.
Rick Peck: Well, at least you get to choose yours.
[looks at a picture of him with his kid]
Rick Peck: I’m stuck with mine.


 

Rick Peck: The Pecker’s on a TiVo mission for the Y-O-U. Work on those tears, my man.
Tugg Speedman: All right. Yeah.
Rick Peck: Say it for me one time. You mu-mu-mu-make me happy.
[saying it at the same time]
Tugg Speedman: mu-mu-mu-make me happy.


 

[Studio Executive, Rob Slolom, taking Cockburn to have a meeting with Les Grossman via Satellite]
Damien Cockburn: Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, are we in a crisis?
Rob Slolom: He’s the head of the studio. He’s reaching out. We’re 10,000 miles away. He just wants a little face-time.
Damien Cockburn: Yeah, I know, it’s just you said that he called it a crisis meeting. So…
Rob Slolom: It’s Les Grossman. He throws these words around. “Crisis,” “explosion,” “not rolling,” “fired.” These are just words.


 

[looking into the camera via Satellite]
Les Grossman: I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn: Uh, that’s me, sir. It’s good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time.
Les Grossman:
And who here is the key grip?

[the key grip raises his hand]
Les Grossman: You? You. Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard.
Key Grip guy: Sorry, man.
[hits him really hard in the face]
Les Grossman: Mmmmm, this is your fault, you limey fuck! You shit the money-bed, my friend.


 

Damien Cockburn: Hey, Les, I understand if you’re angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can’t cry! He can’t cry!
Les Grossman: You know how you handle an actor? They whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.
Rob Slolom: You spank that ass, Les.


 

Les Grossman: Who is this guy?
Rob Slolom: Uh, Les, that’s Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les Grossman: You’re a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now, shut the fuck up and let me do my job!


 

Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s going to have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down.
[shouting to his assistants]
Les Grossman: Diet coke!


 

[at a party where the crew and cast are partying their asses off; to Cockburn]
Kirk Lazarus: One week down, two weeks behind, GI Joe can’t cry, don’t matter because you ain’t got the camera turned on anyway. Let’s party! Man, you better get your shit straight, or I’ll be on the next NetJet out of here, baby. You feel me?


 

[at the crew party Cockburn tries to get his actors together to have a cast meeting]
Damien Cockburn: You actually care, don’t you?
Kevin Sandusky: Yeah, it’s a huge deal for me, are you kidding? I’ve spent the past two years of my life living off residuals from an anti-herpes medication commercial.
Damien Cockburn: I know, you’re the only one who auditioned, the only one who did the two-week boot camp.


 

[Speedman speaking into the microphone on stage at the crew party]
Tugg Speedman: When we put aside our differences, we see we’re kind of the same. When we put aside our differences, we see we’re kind of the same. Let’s be friends. I know we can do great things together. That’s a quotation from a children’s book I co-wrote, “The Boy Everybody Was Jealous Of”. I think it pertains to the journey…
[Jeff shouts from the crowd]
Jeff Portnoy: Simple Jack sucked ass!
Tugg Speedman: All right, who said that? It’s not funny. Whoever it is, it’s not funny, okay?


 

[Cockburn’s spots Four Leaf set up camp on the beach]
Damien Cockburn: So, you don’t like the hotel?
Four Leaf Tayback: Beds give me nightmares.


 

Four Leaf Tayback: I’m guessing right about now you couldn’t find a Dixie coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way.
Damien Cockburn: What?!
Four Leaf Tayback: You’re a riddle with no cheese to maze through. Don’t you get it?


 

[to Cockburn]
Four Leaf Tayback: I put my story in your limp Brit hands, and you are not going to fail me. You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting? You must put those boys in the shit.


 

Four Leaf Tayback: All right, you get some of those little video type cameras. We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles. Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got. Then we take those boys up there, me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle, so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants and screaming for their mammies. They’d be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home.
Damien Cockburn: I could do it. I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty. Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants. Put them in the real shit.


 

[talking to the actor]
Damien Cockburn: You are no longer actors in a movie! You are five men in a helicopter! With three other men!


 

[the actors have been dropped somewhere in the heart of the jungle and Cockburn is taking away their cell phones]
Damien Cockburn: Cell phones!
Alpa Chino: What the hell, Damien?
Kirk Lazarus: Weren’t no cell phones in ’69, man. I’m head-to-toe legitimate.


 

[Cockburn gives the actors instructions on what he expects them to do whilst in the jungle]
Damien Cockburn: You wanted to be actors. You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being. Well, get ready to occupy the skin of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt, surrounded by death, crawling up Satan’s bottom. There’ll be ambushes, enemy fire, your own little personal slice of ‘Nam. This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only. The chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ, his son. You are my chosen disciples. And no one gets to go home till we get the shots. Put on your war faces, gentlemen. Now, let’s go and make the greatest war movie ever!
[the actors start shouting yeah in agreement, Cockburn turns and steps on something]


 

Damien Cockburn: Oh!
[suddenly Cockburn explodes with all his body parts scattering everywhere]


 

[after Cockburn has exploded]
Tugg Speedman: Not bad, Cockburn! Not bad. Wherever you are!
Kirk Lazarus: Wherever he is? Looks like he’s all over the place.


 

[referring to Cockburn getting exploded]
Kirk Lazarus: He ain’t playing God. He’s being judged by him.


 

Tugg Speedman: No offense, Kirk, I know you’re the big fancy actor here, but I’ve done a lot more effects-driven event films than you. Okay? And I think I can spot…
[picks up Cockburn’s severed head]
Tugg Speedman: …a prop head when I see one.
[Sandusky and Alpa Chino start gagging]
Tugg Speedman: It’s corn syrup, guys. Corn syrup and latex.
[digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste]
Tugg Speedman: Warm blood-flavored corn syrup. Smoke and mirrors, guys. Welcome to the movie factory. Oldest trick in the book.


 

[kicks Cockburn’s severed head]
Tugg Speedman: Look, I’m Dave Beckham.


 

Cody: Hey, I don’t want to come off as weird or anything, but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah. Tropic Thunder. Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye. Yeah, I’ve never been in the military, per se, but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty.
[puts up his right hand which is missing his small finger]
Cody: Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig. Yeah. It’s a pretty cool sidearm you got there. What is it?
Four Leaf Tayback: I don’t know what it’s called. I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man’s life.


 

[into the walkie-talkie]
Cody: Damien, we’re go for explosion. Do you copy? I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I’m ready to blow some shit up.


 

[after Speedman has convinced the others to play the scene that Cockburn wanted them to]
Kirk Lazarus: Yo, asshole! This motherfucker’s dead! ain’t no Chris Angel Mind freak, David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here!
Tugg Speedman: Hey! You want to get on the train here, or do you want to ruin another take, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: There ain’t no goddamn takes, ain’t no goddamn motion picture!
Tugg Speedman: You sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: For certain, man.
Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character?
Kirk Lazarus: [pauses] I know, but I don’t have to tell you.
Tugg Speedman: You don’t know.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don’t drop character till I done the DVD commentary.


 

[setting off the C4 detonators in the jungle]
Cody: Big-ass titties!


 

[after the actors have a shooting session in the jungle, not realizing that they are shooting at real Vietnamese guerrillas]
Tugg Speedman: And cut! That’s the trailer right there.


 

[Portnoy is pouring some cocaine powder into his hands when Sandusky comes up behind him]
Kevin Sandusky: What are you doing, Jeff?
[Portnoy spills his heroin in surprise]
Jeff Portnoy: Fucking, nothing, man! I’m eating jellybeans.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please…
Jeff Portnoy: No, you can’t have any fucking jellybeans. They’re mine. You think you’re the only one who gets sick when he doesn’t have his jellybeans? Boundaries, man. Fuck.


 

Tugg Speedman: Just wish I had a director like this on Jack.
Kirk Lazarus: On Jack. What? Jack? What you talking about?
Tugg Speedman: Simple Jack.
Kirk Lazarus: Oh, yeah. Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh? You did. Really swung for the fences, huh?


 

[talking about his experience in playing Simple Jack]
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know. I just did the work. Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them. Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
Kirk Lazarus: Then again, I always found mere observation in and of itself is a tad rudimentary. Sometimes, we got to dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt. Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know.


 

Tugg Speedman: You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded, like really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Oh, yeah.
Tugg Speedman: I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, I rode the bus retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn.
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.


 

Tugg Speedman: When I was playing the character.
Kirk Lazarus: When you was the character.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, yeah I mean as Jack, definitely.
Kirk Lazarus: Jack, stupid ass Jack. Trying to come back from that.
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn’t retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, “Wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out, how am I going to jumpstart it up again?” It’s just like…
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
Tugg Speedman: Right.
Kirk Lazarus: You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: But Simple Jack thought he was smart, or rather, didn’t think he was retarded, so you can’t afford to play retarded, being a smart actor. Playing a guy who ain’t smart but thinks he is, that’s tricky.
Tugg Speedman: Mmm, tricky.
Kirk Lazarus: It’s like working with mercury. It’s high science, man. It’s art form.


 

Kirk Lazarus: Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
[Lazarus starts to walk away]
Tugg Speedman: Wait, about what?
Kirk Lazarus: You’re serious? You don’t know? Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, “Rain Man”, looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. Then you got Tom Hanks, “Forrest Gump”. Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers, “Being There”, infantile? Yes. Retarded? No. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam”. Remember? Went full retard? Went home empty-handed.


 

Cody: Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Four Leaf Tayback: Good job, turd. You killed the director.
Cody: No, that’s impossible, man.


 

Four Leaf Tayback: Come on, let’s bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel. You’re in a world of hurt, dumbo!
Cody: “We’re” in a world of hurt!
Four Leaf Tayback: You’re in trouble.
Cody: This isn’t just on me! We’re in a, we’re together on this.


 

[following after Tayback]
Cody: Just wait, just wait! Listen! Listen, okay?
Four Leaf Tayback: I don’t want to hear it.
Cody: Let me just be real with you, all right? I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on Freaky Friday, okay? This shit will fucking ruin me!
Four Leaf Tayback: Just get off me! You’re pathetic.
Cody: No, I’m not.
Four Leaf Tayback: Get off me!
Cody: You are not going back!
[they get into a wrestling match, Cody holds on to Tayback’s hooks and accidentally pulls them off, revealing two perfect hands]
Cody: What the fuck?
Four Leaf Tayback: Now wait a minute.


 

Kirk Lazarus: How’s it going with that map, chief? Ha? Can I have a look at it?
Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah, Damien gave it to me, remember?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
Tugg Speedman: Aha. Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Okay.
Tugg Speedman: I got it.
Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.
Tugg Speedman: Thank you.
Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. Dude, I’m trying to, I got your back, man.
Tugg Speedman: Well, I’m cool. All right.
Kirk Lazarus: You are?
Tugg Speedman: I’m cool
Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslexic?
Tugg Speedman: No, my character’s not dyslexic.
Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer.


 

Jeff Portnoy: I’m tired, I want to go home.
Alpa Chino: Why, so you can get back and make Fatties: Fart 20, or some shit?
Jeff Portnoy: It’s Fatties: Fart Two, there’s no… Hey, you wish you had a Fatties franchise.
Alpa Chino: What?
Jeff Portnoy: It’s Fatties: Fart Two. Yeah, you do.
Alpa Chino: I don’t want no Fatties franchise, I got a diamond toilet.
Jeff Portnoy: Your stupid-ass commercials.


 

[referring to the map in Speedman’s hand]
Kirk Lazarus: You still got that shit upside down. The numbers help, man, the numbers, the letters go across the top and then the numbers.
Tugg Speedman: You want the map? You want the map, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, I want the fucking map.
Tugg Speedman: Well, you can’t have it, because Damien gave it me.


 

[to Alpa Chino]
Jeff Portnoy: You wish you had my farts, my farts are fucking music.


 

[after Speedman’s told everyone to break for lunch]
Kirk Lazarus: All right, that’s lunch. Coming back to the same scene afterwards, “Lost in the goddamn jungle.” Captain Simple Jack.


 

Jeff Portnoy: I fucking hate movies. This is bullshit. I don’t want to be in this shitty movie.
[he takes his bag of cocaine in jellybeans packet out, a bat flies in grabs hold of it and flies away with it]
Jeff Portnoy: No! That’s my jellybeans! No, no, no!
[to Alpa Chino]
Jeff Portnoy: Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit!
Alpa Chino: Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut.


 

[Sandusky is peeing and turns to see Lazarus standing uncomfortably close to him]
Kirk Lazarus: Sanducci. Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low. I don’t really got to piss. I’m trying to talk at you, man.


 

Kirk Lazarus: I know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here making Planet of the Apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don’t buy it. You want to step on a real landmine? You want to die? You want to get shot by a real motherfucker?
[Sandusky looks at him]
Kirk Lazarus: Keep looking ahead, man.
Kevin Sandusky: No, of course not.


 

Kirk Lazarus: Got a big job coming up next year.
Kevin Sandusky: Oh, yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah. It’s about Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth when they were both young.
Kevin Sandusky: Oh, wow!
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
Kevin Sandusky: That’s a classy picture.
Kirk Lazarus: Dude, you kind of look like Abe. Slap a beard on you. What’s your fucking name?
Kevin Sandusky: It’s Kevin. Kevin Sandusky.


 

[Lazarus makes a show of pretending he’s done peeing, then slaps Sandusky on the ass and turns to look at Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: Huh, that smelled just like bologna for some reason.


 

[Sandusky is getting comfortable continuing to pee again when he turns to see Speedman right next to him]
Tugg Speedman: I’m going to level with you, bro. I don’t need to pee. I need to talk to you.
[he takes out a can of Booty Sweat and sticks the tip of his Bowie knife into it, making it shoot out everywhere]
Tugg Speedman: Lazarus is going to torpedo the movie. He’s way out on a limb with this character, and I think he’s getting cold feet. And the men respect you, because you went to boot camp and rehearsal. Can I count on you, Kyle.
Kevin Sandusky: Ahh, It’s Kevin.

 


Total Quotes: 147

 




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