Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Ben Stiller, Tom Cruise, Matthew McConaughey, Jack Black, Jay Baruchel, Brandon T. Jackson, Steve Coogan, Danny McBride, Nick Nolte, Bill Hader , Brandon Soo Hoo
OUR RATING: ★★★★★
Action comedy directed and co-written by Ben Stiller. The story follows a group of prima donna actors, Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), Jeff Portno (Jack Black), Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), and Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel), who are making a Vietnam War film. When their frustrated director, Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan), drops them in the middle of a jungle, they are forced to rely on their acting skills to survive the real action and danger.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 147)
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Alpa Chino’s Booty Sweat. Pop an ass open! Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars available at concessions now.
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] In 2013, when the Earth’s rotation came to a halt, the world called on the one man who could make a difference. When it happened again, the world called on him once more. And no one saw it coming three more times! Now, the one man who made a difference five times before, is about to make a difference again. Only this time, it’s different.
[Speedman is on an iceberg with everything behind him frozen. He has a set of twins on him and he’s holding two rifles]
Tugg Speedman: Who left the fridge open?
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Tugg Speedman. Scorcher Vl: Global Meltdown.
Tugg Speedman: [voice over] Here we go again. Again.
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] This summer, America’s favorite obese family is back.
[we see the same actor as different characters all of which start ripping giant farts in a restaurant]
Trailer Announcer: Jeff Portnoy. Jeff Portnoy.Jeff Portnoy. And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties: Fart Two…
Jeff Portnoy as one of the characters: In some countries…
[in another character Portnoy lets out a giant fart]
Jeff Portnoy as one of the characters: …it’s considered a compliment.
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Letting loose this summer.
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] In a time where to be different was to be condemned…
[Lazarus and Toby Maguire looks longingly at each other, both are dressed as monks]
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] …and to be condemned was to die, one man chose to question his God.
[We see Lazarus screaming angrily]
Trailer Announcer: [voice over] From Fox Searchlight, five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire. Winner of the Beijing Film Festival’s coveted Crying Monkey Award, “Satan’s Alley”.
[voice over whispers]
Kirk Lazarus as Father O’Mallie: I’ve been a bad, bad boy, Father.
Four Leaf Tayback: [narrating] In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. Of those two, just one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.
[soldier that has been shot in the head falls down with an unbelievable amount of blood shooting out the back of his head]
Jeff Portnoy as Fats: Get on that horn and get some firepower, boy!
Kevin Sandusky as Brooklyn: Jesus Christ!
Jeff Portnoy as Fats: Listen, you cherry fuck, you call in that snake and nape and get us some boom-boom now! I’d do it myself but I’m kind of goddamn busy!
[Fats tries to block the flow of blood with his hands, but the blood keep unbelievably shooting everywhere]
[Brooklyn gets bayoneted through the stomach by a Vietnamese soldier falling down with his guts all hanging out]
Kevin Sandusky as Brooklyn: I think I can put it back in!
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Want some? Get some!
Alpa Chino as Motown: Hey, yo, Fats! I ain’t seen Four Leaf!
Jeff Portnoy as Fats: Don’t count him out! That bastard’s got luck tattooed to his ass!
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Motown, get your Detroit jukebox Jheri curl ass in this chicken shit chop-chop! ASAFP!
[whilst trying to get on the chopper Brooklyn spots Four Leaf getting riddled with bullets]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: I hope y’all like hamburger meat. Because that’s exactly what I’m going to be bringing back and serving up in this whirly bird.
[shouting to the soldiers in the chopper]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!
[putting the injured Four Leaf over his shoulder]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Come on, Leaf, let’s boogie!
[Osiris finds Four Leaf heavily injured after Four Leaf intercepts a hand grenade by pushing it away with his hands]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Look at you, man. Playing with grenades.
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: Hold my hands, because I got something to sa…I got something to say.
[Osiris looks down at Four Leaf’s hands]
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Oh, boy.
[he takes hold of Four Leaf’s stringy stumps]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You holding them?
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: I got them tight.
[Osiris is weeping like a baby out loud]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: I ain’t never been worth a nothing in this life, but I want you to know something.
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: What, man?
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You are my, you are my brother.
[screws up his face trying desperately to cry]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You are my brother. You are my, you are my…
Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: I am your brother.
[he weeps even louder]
Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: I’m sorry. Could we cut?
[camera now pans back to reveal that this is actually a film location shooting a war scene with the director, Damien Cockburn, looking over the scene]
Damien Cockburn: What’s he saying?
[in the special effects pyro control tower; to his Asian Assistant]
Cody: That’s C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator. I need some dudes up here who speak American, God damn it! He’s making a fucking sweater back here. I’m trying to put Tiger Balm on this jungle’s nuts.
[after another failed attempt at trying to cry for the scene]
Tugg Speedman: You know what it is, Damien? I’m sorry. Not to get into his thing, but if I’m crying, should Osiris be crying, too?
Damien Cockburn: No, it’s everyone cry…
Kirk Lazarus: We cutting or we crying?
Damien Cockburn: No, no, no, we’re crying!
Kirk Lazarus: Just call it, man!
Damien Cockburn: Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.
Kirk Lazarus: Oh, thanks!
Damien Cockburn: Everybody cry…
Kirk Lazarus: You know what? You see how agitated he is now?
Tugg Speedman: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: Let’s make lemonade. Let’s go to work.
Damien Cockburn: Okay. Still rolling!
[after another failed attempt of Speedman not being able to cry]
Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can’t cry. That’s what’s going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what, Kirk? I’m ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it’s time to flip the script!
Damien Cockburn: Kirk…
Kirk Lazarus: Be here till Chinese New Year waiting for my man to cry.
[Damien tries to stop Kirk from walking off the set]
Damien Cockburn: Kirk, no!
Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag! I’m going potty. You want to hold my dick?
[after Kirk goes off set, Damien starts having a fit throwing his headphones off and throwing up his hands]
Damien Cockburn: Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks. Tropic tits!
[in the special effects tower Cody sees Damien throw up his hands]
Cody: That’s the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
Damien Cockburn: Goddamn shit-picking cock!
[after setting off the detonators and exploding the set]
Cody: Mother nature just pissed her pantsuit!
[Access Hollywood reporting on the Tropic Thunder disaster and how the Director can’t control his cast, we see a drunk looking Jeff Portnoy getting interviewed about his last movie]
Jeff Portnoy: Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. They say that the movie’s just about farts. It’s about family, and F…
[swear word gets bleeped]
Jeff Portnoy: …you! You can’t do what I do.
Access Hollywood Reporter: But the real heavyweight on the set is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus. The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays.
[snippets of Lazarus in different outrageous antics are shown and then a snippet of Lazarus speaking at an interview before turning himself into Osiris]
Kirk Lazarus: Well, being an actor is no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.
Access Hollywood Reporter: Lazarus underwent a controversial pigmentation alteration procedure in order to play the platoon’s African-American sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.
Access Hollywood Reporter: Trying to hold his own on screen with Kirk is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman. Once the highest grossing star in the world, lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat. Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.
[small segment of the interview with Tyra Banks is shown]
Tyra: You have no real family. You’re on the wrong side of forty. You’re childless and alone. Somebody close to you said, “One more flop and it’s over.”
Tugg Speedman: Somebody said they were close to me?
Access Hollywood Reporter It’s been a tough year for Tugg. The disappointing buddy comedy Chitling & the Dude was followed by an ill-advised venture into serious dramatic territory. Simple Jack, the story of a mentally impaired farmhand who can talk to animals, was a box office disaster that many critics called, “One of the worst movies of all time.”
[snippets of Speedman’s playing Simple Jack are shown]
Simple Jack: I ain’t got a go-go-good brain.
Rebecca: I think you’ve got a fine brain, Jack.
Simple Jack: You mu-mu-mu-muhhh-mu-mu-muhh make me ha-aaaapy!
[Speedman talking on the phone to his agent Rick Peck]
Rick Peck: Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it’s the Pecker. You got time for your agent?
Tugg Speedman: Rick?
Rick Peck: Hey, buddy, guess who I’m staring at right now.
Tugg Speedman: What?
Rick Peck: I’m looking at your ugly mug on the back cover of Vanity Fair magazine, holding a cute, cuddly panda from Cutesville. It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.
Tugg Speedman: Hey. You see that Access Hollywood piece?
Rick Peck: Yeah, I did. It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid. I mean, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, Tugg. You are a huge star, all right? But right now, you’re like that kid on the playground, you know, the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Rick Peck: I mean we got to shave your head and get you back on the monkey bars, right?
Rick Peck: How did the crying scene go?
Tugg Speedman: Horrible. Lazarus started crying. Then he starts drooling and dribbling, and it wasn’t even in the script…
Rick Peck: Woh, woh, stop right there! You got to buck up here, Tuggboat. Who cares how much more talented he may be than you? If he cries, you cry harder, man. Didn’t your dog have, like, leukemia or something when you were a kid? I mean, think of that. Boom! End of story.
Rick Peck: Hey, how’s the adoption thing coming, buddy?
Tugg Speedman: Not too great. I feel like all the good ones are gone.
Rick Peck: Well, at least you get to choose yours.
[looks at a picture of him with his kid]
Rick Peck: I’m stuck with mine.
Rick Peck: The Pecker’s on a TiVo mission for the Y-O-U. Work on those tears, my man.
Tugg Speedman: All right. Yeah.
Rick Peck: Say it for me one time. You mu-mu-mu-make me happy.
[saying it at the same time]
Tugg Speedman: mu-mu-mu-make me happy.
[Studio Executive, Rob Slolom, taking Cockburn to have a meeting with Les Grossman via Satellite]
Damien Cockburn: Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, are we in a crisis?
Rob Slolom: He’s the head of the studio. He’s reaching out. We’re 10,000 miles away. He just wants a little face-time.
Damien Cockburn: Yeah, I know, it’s just you said that he called it a crisis meeting. So…
Rob Slolom: It’s Les Grossman. He throws these words around. “Crisis,” “explosion,” “not rolling,” “fired.” These are just words.
[looking into the camera via Satellite]
Les Grossman: I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn: Uh, that’s me, sir. It’s good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time.
Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip?
[the key grip raises his hand]
Les Grossman: You? You. Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard.
Key Grip guy: Sorry, man.
[hits him really hard in the face]
Les Grossman: Mmmmm, this is your fault, you limey fuck! You shit the money-bed, my friend.
Damien Cockburn: Hey, Les, I understand if you’re angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can’t cry! He can’t cry!
Les Grossman: You know how you handle an actor? They whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.
Rob Slolom: You spank that ass, Les.
Les Grossman: Who is this guy?
Rob Slolom: Uh, Les, that’s Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les Grossman: You’re a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now, shut the fuck up and let me do my job!
Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s going to have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down.
[shouting to his assistants]
Les Grossman: Diet coke!
[at a party where the crew and cast are partying their asses off; to Cockburn]
Kirk Lazarus: One week down, two weeks behind, GI Joe can’t cry, don’t matter because you ain’t got the camera turned on anyway. Let’s party! Man, you better get your shit straight, or I’ll be on the next NetJet out of here, baby. You feel me?
[at the crew party Cockburn tries to get his actors together to have a cast meeting]
Damien Cockburn: You actually care, don’t you?
Kevin Sandusky: Yeah, it’s a huge deal for me, are you kidding? I’ve spent the past two years of my life living off residuals from an anti-herpes medication commercial.
Damien Cockburn: I know, you’re the only one who auditioned, the only one who did the two-week boot camp.
[Speedman speaking into the microphone on stage at the crew party]
Tugg Speedman: When we put aside our differences, we see we’re kind of the same. When we put aside our differences, we see we’re kind of the same. Let’s be friends. I know we can do great things together. That’s a quotation from a children’s book I co-wrote, “The Boy Everybody Was Jealous Of”. I think it pertains to the journey…
[Jeff shouts from the crowd]
Jeff Portnoy: Simple Jack sucked ass!
Tugg Speedman: All right, who said that? It’s not funny. Whoever it is, it’s not funny, okay?
[Cockburn’s spots Four Leaf set up camp on the beach]
Damien Cockburn: So, you don’t like the hotel?
Four Leaf Tayback: Beds give me nightmares.
Four Leaf Tayback: I’m guessing right about now you couldn’t find a Dixie coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way.
Damien Cockburn: What?!
Four Leaf Tayback: You’re a riddle with no cheese to maze through. Don’t you get it?
Four Leaf Tayback: I put my story in your limp Brit hands, and you are not going to fail me. You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting? You must put those boys in the shit.
Four Leaf Tayback: All right, you get some of those little video type cameras. We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles. Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got. Then we take those boys up there, me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle, so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants and screaming for their mammies. They’d be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home.
Damien Cockburn: I could do it. I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty. Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants. Put them in the real shit.
[talking to the actor]
Damien Cockburn: You are no longer actors in a movie! You are five men in a helicopter! With three other men!
[the actors have been dropped somewhere in the heart of the jungle and Cockburn is taking away their cell phones]
Damien Cockburn: Cell phones!
Alpa Chino: What the hell, Damien?
Kirk Lazarus: Weren’t no cell phones in ’69, man. I’m head-to-toe legitimate.
[Cockburn gives the actors instructions on what he expects them to do whilst in the jungle]
Damien Cockburn: You wanted to be actors. You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being. Well, get ready to occupy the skin of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt, surrounded by death, crawling up Satan’s bottom. There’ll be ambushes, enemy fire, your own little personal slice of ‘Nam. This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only. The chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ, his son. You are my chosen disciples. And no one gets to go home till we get the shots. Put on your war faces, gentlemen. Now, let’s go and make the greatest war movie ever!
[the actors start shouting yeah in agreement, Cockburn turns and steps on something]
Damien Cockburn: Oh!
[suddenly Cockburn explodes with all his body parts scattering everywhere]
[after Cockburn has exploded]
Tugg Speedman: Not bad, Cockburn! Not bad. Wherever you are!
Kirk Lazarus: Wherever he is? Looks like he’s all over the place.
[referring to Cockburn getting exploded]
Kirk Lazarus: He ain’t playing God. He’s being judged by him.
Tugg Speedman: No offense, Kirk, I know you’re the big fancy actor here, but I’ve done a lot more effects-driven event films than you. Okay? And I think I can spot…
[picks up Cockburn’s severed head]
Tugg Speedman: …a prop head when I see one.
[Sandusky and Alpa Chino start gagging]
Tugg Speedman: It’s corn syrup, guys. Corn syrup and latex.
[digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste]
Tugg Speedman: Warm blood-flavored corn syrup. Smoke and mirrors, guys. Welcome to the movie factory. Oldest trick in the book.
[kicks Cockburn’s severed head]
Tugg Speedman: Look, I’m Dave Beckham.
Cody: Hey, I don’t want to come off as weird or anything, but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah. Tropic Thunder. Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye. Yeah, I’ve never been in the military, per se, but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty.
[puts up his right hand which is missing his small finger]
Cody: Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig. Yeah. It’s a pretty cool sidearm you got there. What is it?
Four Leaf Tayback: I don’t know what it’s called. I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man’s life.
[into the walkie-talkie]
Cody: Damien, we’re go for explosion. Do you copy? I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I’m ready to blow some shit up.
[after Speedman has convinced the others to play the scene that Cockburn wanted them to]
Kirk Lazarus: Yo, asshole! This motherfucker’s dead! ain’t no Chris Angel Mind freak, David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here!
Tugg Speedman: Hey! You want to get on the train here, or do you want to ruin another take, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: There ain’t no goddamn takes, ain’t no goddamn motion picture!
Tugg Speedman: You sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: For certain, man.
Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character?
Kirk Lazarus: [pauses] I know, but I don’t have to tell you.
Tugg Speedman: You don’t know.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don’t drop character till I done the DVD commentary.
[setting off the C4 detonators in the jungle]
Cody: Big-ass titties!
[after the actors have a shooting session in the jungle, not realizing that they are shooting at real Vietnamese guerrillas]
Tugg Speedman: And cut! That’s the trailer right there.
[Portnoy is pouring some cocaine powder into his hands when Sandusky comes up behind him]
Kevin Sandusky: What are you doing, Jeff?
[Portnoy spills his heroin in surprise]
Jeff Portnoy: Fucking, nothing, man! I’m eating jellybeans.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please…
Jeff Portnoy: No, you can’t have any fucking jellybeans. They’re mine. You think you’re the only one who gets sick when he doesn’t have his jellybeans? Boundaries, man. Fuck.
Tugg Speedman: Just wish I had a director like this on Jack.
Kirk Lazarus: On Jack. What? Jack? What you talking about?
Tugg Speedman: Simple Jack.
Kirk Lazarus: Oh, yeah. Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh? You did. Really swung for the fences, huh?
[talking about his experience in playing Simple Jack]
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know. I just did the work. Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them. Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
Kirk Lazarus: Then again, I always found mere observation in and of itself is a tad rudimentary. Sometimes, we got to dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt. Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know.
Tugg Speedman: You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded, like really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Oh, yeah.
Tugg Speedman: I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, I rode the bus retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn.
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman: When I was playing the character.
Kirk Lazarus: When you was the character.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, yeah I mean as Jack, definitely.
Kirk Lazarus: Jack, stupid ass Jack. Trying to come back from that.
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn’t retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, “Wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out, how am I going to jumpstart it up again?” It’s just like…
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
Tugg Speedman: Right.
Kirk Lazarus: You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: But Simple Jack thought he was smart, or rather, didn’t think he was retarded, so you can’t afford to play retarded, being a smart actor. Playing a guy who ain’t smart but thinks he is, that’s tricky.
Tugg Speedman: Mmm, tricky.
Kirk Lazarus: It’s like working with mercury. It’s high science, man. It’s art form.
Kirk Lazarus: Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
[Lazarus starts to walk away]
Tugg Speedman: Wait, about what?
Kirk Lazarus: You’re serious? You don’t know? Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, “Rain Man”, looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. Then you got Tom Hanks, “Forrest Gump”. Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers, “Being There”, infantile? Yes. Retarded? No. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam”. Remember? Went full retard? Went home empty-handed.
Cody: Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Four Leaf Tayback: Good job, turd. You killed the director.
Cody: No, that’s impossible, man.
Four Leaf Tayback: Come on, let’s bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel. You’re in a world of hurt, dumbo!
Cody: “We’re” in a world of hurt!
Four Leaf Tayback: You’re in trouble.
Cody: This isn’t just on me! We’re in a, we’re together on this.
[following after Tayback]
Cody: Just wait, just wait! Listen! Listen, okay?
Four Leaf Tayback: I don’t want to hear it.
Cody: Let me just be real with you, all right? I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on Freaky Friday, okay? This shit will fucking ruin me!
Four Leaf Tayback: Just get off me! You’re pathetic.
Cody: No, I’m not.
Four Leaf Tayback: Get off me!
Cody: You are not going back!
[they get into a wrestling match, Cody holds on to Tayback’s hooks and accidentally pulls them off, revealing two perfect hands]
Cody: What the fuck?
Four Leaf Tayback: Now wait a minute.
Kirk Lazarus: How’s it going with that map, chief? Ha? Can I have a look at it?
Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah, Damien gave it to me, remember?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
Tugg Speedman: Aha. Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Okay.
Tugg Speedman: I got it.
Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.
Tugg Speedman: Thank you.
Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. Dude, I’m trying to, I got your back, man.
Tugg Speedman: Well, I’m cool. All right.
Kirk Lazarus: You are?
Tugg Speedman: I’m cool
Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslexic?
Tugg Speedman: No, my character’s not dyslexic.
Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer.
Jeff Portnoy: I’m tired, I want to go home.
Alpa Chino: Why, so you can get back and make Fatties: Fart 20, or some shit?
Jeff Portnoy: It’s Fatties: Fart Two, there’s no… Hey, you wish you had a Fatties franchise.
Alpa Chino: What?
Jeff Portnoy: It’s Fatties: Fart Two. Yeah, you do.
Alpa Chino: I don’t want no Fatties franchise, I got a diamond toilet.
Jeff Portnoy: Your stupid-ass commercials.
[referring to the map in Speedman’s hand]
Kirk Lazarus: You still got that shit upside down. The numbers help, man, the numbers, the letters go across the top and then the numbers.
Tugg Speedman: You want the map? You want the map, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, I want the fucking map.
Tugg Speedman: Well, you can’t have it, because Damien gave it me.
[to Alpa Chino]
Jeff Portnoy: You wish you had my farts, my farts are fucking music.
[after Speedman’s told everyone to break for lunch]
Kirk Lazarus: All right, that’s lunch. Coming back to the same scene afterwards, “Lost in the goddamn jungle.” Captain Simple Jack.
Jeff Portnoy: I fucking hate movies. This is bullshit. I don’t want to be in this shitty movie.
[he takes his bag of cocaine in jellybeans packet out, a bat flies in grabs hold of it and flies away with it]
Jeff Portnoy: No! That’s my jellybeans! No, no, no!
[to Alpa Chino]
Jeff Portnoy: Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit!
Alpa Chino: Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut.
[Sandusky is peeing and turns to see Lazarus standing uncomfortably close to him]
Kirk Lazarus: Sanducci. Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low. I don’t really got to piss. I’m trying to talk at you, man.
Kirk Lazarus: I know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here making Planet of the Apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don’t buy it. You want to step on a real landmine? You want to die? You want to get shot by a real motherfucker?
[Sandusky looks at him]
Kirk Lazarus: Keep looking ahead, man.
Kevin Sandusky: No, of course not.
Kirk Lazarus: Got a big job coming up next year.
Kevin Sandusky: Oh, yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah. It’s about Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth when they were both young.
Kevin Sandusky: Oh, wow!
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah.
Kevin Sandusky: That’s a classy picture.
Kirk Lazarus: Dude, you kind of look like Abe. Slap a beard on you. What’s your fucking name?
Kevin Sandusky: It’s Kevin. Kevin Sandusky.
[Lazarus makes a show of pretending he’s done peeing, then slaps Sandusky on the ass and turns to look at Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: Huh, that smelled just like bologna for some reason.
[Sandusky is getting comfortable continuing to pee again when he turns to see Speedman right next to him]
Tugg Speedman: I’m going to level with you, bro. I don’t need to pee. I need to talk to you.
[he takes out a can of Booty Sweat and sticks the tip of his Bowie knife into it, making it shoot out everywhere]
Tugg Speedman: Lazarus is going to torpedo the movie. He’s way out on a limb with this character, and I think he’s getting cold feet. And the men respect you, because you went to boot camp and rehearsal. Can I count on you, Kyle.
Kevin Sandusky: Ahh, It’s Kevin.
[the bat that took Portnoy’s cocaine bag falls. Portnoy catches it trying to rip the bat open with his teeth]
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah, now you’re dead! You OD’d!
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah. I’m not feeling so good right now. Seriously, my skin hurts!
Tugg Speedman: Enough from the peanut gallery! Into the water, ladies!
Kirk Lazarus: No, no, no man. Let me take a look at that map right quick.
Tugg Speedman: Why is everybody all obsessed with the map?
Kirk Lazarus: Because we’re tired of being your trail donkeys! Acting like you some one-man GPS! God damn it! We lost! We fucking super lost, man!
Tugg Speedman: I don’t believe you people.
Kirk Lazarus: Huh? What do you mean “you people”?
Alpa Chino: What do you mean, “you people”?
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?
Kevin Sandusky: I think what, uh, Tugg means is…
Kirk Lazarus: No, look at his eyes, man.
Kevin Sandusky: …you people, you actors. You people…
Kirk Lazarus: Look at them beady, white devil eyes.
[Speedman shoots his rifle into the air to stop them all arguing]
Tugg Speedman: Chill! Alright? Just chill it. Now, let’s go get those Viet Congs.
Alpa Chino: “Viet Cong”!
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It’s “Viet Cong.” There’s no “S.” It’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses.”
Kirk Lazarus: Alright, that’s enough of this insubordination! If the machine breaks down, we break down. Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
[Lazarus walks up to stand in front of Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: That’s kind of how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman: Oh, Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo one but two.
Tugg Speedman: Really?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up.
Tugg Speedman: Well, I’m not that, I mean, that’s what I’m going for, but, you know…
Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
Tugg Speedman: Thanks.
Kirk Lazarus: What’s the secret, dude?
Tugg Speedman: It’s a diet. I’m just dieting.
Kirk Lazarus: Really? Because I’m trying to come up a little, but it’s just, it’s tough.
Tugg Speedman: You look good.
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips?
Tugg Speedman: What?
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got?
Tugg Speedman: There’s, like, the pineapple…
[Lazarus quickly snatches the map from Speedman’s hand]
Kirk Lazarus: Give me that goddamn map!
Tugg Speedman: Hey!
Kirk Lazarus: Fuck you!
Tugg Speedman: That’s fucking bullshit! It’s a chump move.
Tugg Speedman: This is insane! Are you really going to abandon this movie? We’re supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit!
Kevin Sandusky: Tugg, you have no idea where you’re going!
Tugg Speedman: Yes, I do!
[reads from the scene list]
Tugg Speedman: I’m going to, “Exterior, rain forest, dusk.” Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks alone through a frightening jungle.” Suck on that unit, Kirk!
[Lazarus is leading the actors through the jungle and Sandusky is following behind him]
Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they’re pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the, uh, the most successful. Uh, but, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it…
Kirk Lazarus: You talking to me this whole time?
Kevin Sandusky: I was talking to whoever was listening to me.
Jeff Portnoy: Oh, God! It’s cold! Brrrr, it’s freezing. I’m fucking cold.
Alpa Chino: You want my flak jacket?
Jeff Portnoy: What, are you insane? It’s boiling! It’s like a sweat lodge out here!
Kirk Lazarus: Keep the volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams.
Jeff Portnoy: I got to take a fucking twelve pound shit!
Kirk Lazarus: Y’all might be in for a treat. You know, back before the war broke out, I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens. Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo. Ha! And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear? Hell yeah, hah!
Alpa Chino: Hell, yeah! Hah! That’s how we all talk? We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh, hah! Yeah, mmm-hmm get some crawfish and some ribs, hah! Ye-aah! You’re Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.
[Alpa hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: I get excited about my foods, man.
[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea. I’ve never been outside the States.
Cody: Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude, were you even in the fucking service?
Four Leaf Tayback: Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.
Cody: Coast Guard!
Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
Cody: Oh, my God! You’re a fucking garbage man! Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.
Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I’m a patriot!
Cody: Yeah, you’re the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay?
Cody: I don’t want to be next to you.
Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time.
[to the guard that’s just bursts in]
Cody: Can I be tied to another post? Okay.
[on the phone]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick. The thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: Vivica, get off the line now!
Rick Peck: A hooker? Alright, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here’s what you’re going to do. Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime.
Tugg Speedman: No, a panda. I killed a panda.
Rick Peck: Amanda? Come on, dude. I mean, that’s probably not even her real name.
Tugg Speedman: No, a panda!
Rick Peck: A panda?
Tugg Speedman: A sweet, cuddly, vicious little panda.
Rick Peck: Jesus Christ, Tugg! Man, don’t scare me like that!
Rick Peck: Alright, man. Hey, how’s the TiVo working out?
Tugg Speedman: Screw TiVo. I’m way beyond TiVo. Last I checked, they hadn’t hooked it up, though.
Tugg Speedman: It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve moved on.
Rick Peck: Where have you moved on to? Another agency? Who’s with you? It’s Nick Stevens, isn’t it? That little fucker. You are still my client, Tugg Speedman! I am getting the TiVo! Jacket’s on, I’m out the door! Tugg? Please don’t fire me.
[referring to Portnoy]
Kevin Sandusky: He doesn’t look too good.
Jeff Portnoy: Must drink, so I can throw something up!
[Portnoy crawls to the edge of the river and starts drinking water from the river]
Kevin Sandusky: No, no. Don’t drink that water! That water’s like a petri dish! No, don’t! Uh, Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?
Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chugging on some of Alpa’s ass water. That’ll bring him around. It’s a cure-all.
Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie.
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain’t funny.
Alpa Chino: I’m just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack! I’m sorry a dingo ate your baby.
Kirk Lazarus: You know that’s a true story? Lady lost her kid. You about to cross some fucking lines.
Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax and stuff.
Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I’m sick of this koala-hugging nigga telling me…
[Lazarus slaps Alpa and he goes to punch back but Lazarus blocks the punch and pulls Alpa into an embrace]
Kirk Lazarus: For 400 years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa Chino: What the fuck?
Kirk Lazarus: It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill. Now we up in the big leagues, getting our turn at bat. Long as we live, it’s you and me, baby.
Alpa Chino: That’s the theme song for The Jeffersons. You really need help!
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah. Just because it’s the theme song, don’t make it not true.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, stay away from that animal.
[Portnoy heads towards an ox]
Jeff Portnoy: I’m going to bite his hide. I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don’t want to walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!
Kevin Sandusky: Maybe he’s not, you know, Ridley Scott or something, but I think Renny Harlin’s a tremendous filmmaker like, Adventures of Ford Fairlane, you know, as far as an Andrew Dice Clay vehicle goes, it’s pretty decent. And you know Cliffhanger, Cliffhanger’s incredible. As far as the whole like, man against nature type of movies go, it’s absolutely amazing.
Jeff Portnoy: Shut the fuck up!
Kevin Sandusky: I see moss on both sides of that tree.
Kevin Sandusky: Well, you know, maybe if I wasn’t the only one at boot camp…
[Portnoy is flopped over on his stomach on an ox]
Jeff Portnoy: My belly really hurts, you guys! I’m not joking around, I’m nauseous. Let me off, I got to puke! I don’t want to die like Hendrix!
[they’ve just noticed the Flaming Dragon compound]
Kevin Sandusky: We were in that chopper for hours. I don’t even think we’re in Vietnam anymore.
Jeff Portnoy: Fuck.
Alpa Chino: Shit. We ain’t even in ‘Nam?
Kevin Sandusky: No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck is Laos?
Kevin Sandusky: It’s the Golden Triangle.
Jeff Portnoy: Oh, fuck. We’re dead. No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV. Fucking boats, airplanes, UFOs and shit, they all just vanish!
Alpa Chino: Yo, that’s the Bermuda Triangle, dumbass. This is the Golden Triangle.
Kevin Sandusky: It’s the world’s hard drug superhighway.
Kirk Lazarus: How do you know that?
Kevin Sandusky: It was a really long trip. I read the in-flight magazine.
[after being captured and taken to the Flaming Dragon compound]
Tugg Speedman: Were there some re-writes that I missed?
[Tran, the leader of the Flaming Dragon compound, burns a cigar on Speedman’s chest and start hitting him with a stick]
Tran: [shouting] Do you want to die? Do you?
Tugg Speedman: No! Puh-puh-pulease, do-do-don’t hurt m-m-meeee.
Tran: Say that again.
Tugg Speedman: Please, don’t hurt me!
Tran: No! Like you did before! Say it! Say it!
Tugg Speedman: Puh-puh-pulease, do-do-don’t h-h-hurt meeee.
Tran: You are Simple Jack.
Tugg Speedman: You saw Simple Jack?
Tran: We love the tale of this man, Simple Jack. We do not have many luxury here. And Simple Jack is the only movie we possess.
[Tran shows him a battered VHS box of Simple Jack]
Tugg Speedman: Oh, I see you got the VHS.
Tran: We’ve watched it many, many times.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: You should’ve got Oscar.
Tugg Speedman: Well, you know. It’s, just to be nominated…
Tran: You were nominated?
Tugg Speedman: No, no, no. I wasn’t nominated. I’m just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice. It’s just, it’s very political. You have to take out ads…
Tran: Shut up now!
[Peck bursts into Grossman’s office unannounced interrupting his meeting]
Les Grossman: What do you need, Peck?
Rick Peck: No, more like what do YOU need, Les? Glasses?
Les Grossman: What?!
Rick Peck: So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract that guarantees my client, Tugg Speedman, some form of digital video recorder on location.
Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy, so why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass?
[turns to his assistant]
Les Grossman: No, not you Helen. But I will rip your tits off if you don’t get me those theaters.
[on the phone thinking it’s Speedman]
Rick Peck: Hey, Tuggernuts, I’ve got you on speakerphone. I’m standing here with Les Grossman, and he is dying to tell you why he’s apparently wiped his ass with the TiVo clause from your contract.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: We are Flaming Dragon.
[grabs hold of Peck’s phone]
Les Grossman: This is Les Grossman. Who is this?
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: This is Flaming Dragon!
Les Grossman: Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face! Now, I don’t know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you’re trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you’re thinking, you better think again. Otherwise, I’m going to have to head down there, and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you. You’re going to have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I will fuck you up!
[Speedman is brought onto a makeshift stage with really bad looking makeup and wig]
Tran: You wear these. More like Simple Jack teeth.
[gives Speedman false teeth just taken out of an old man’s mouth]
Tugg Speedman: Oh, okay. Hey. Look, I know you’re a big fan, and that’s great…
[Tran hits him in the stomach with back of his rifle]
Tran: Put teeth in!
[Speedman puts the false teeth in his mouth]
Tran: Now do movie.
Tugg Speedman: The whole movie? I can’t. I don’t know the whole…
Tran: You perform! You perform or die! Monkey swine!
Tugg Speedman: Oh, Pa.
[Tran hits him in the stomach again with back of his rifle]
Tran: More stupid!
Tugg Speedman: Oooohhh, puh-puh-Pa! Wh-why you guh-got to muh-muh-make me ffffffeeel baaad?
Kevin Sandusky: Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don’t do something soon.
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah. We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel, which is in the other direction!
Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t right. What would’ve happened in The Great Escape if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran?
Kevin Sandusky: Well, that’s what that movie was about. They were escaping. They ran away.
Kirk Lazarus: I’m trying to agree with you. The point is they did something.
Alpa Chino: Then what are we supposed to do, huh? Because he’s cleaning a gun with no bullets.
Alpa Chino: Yeah, that’s a plan.
Kirk Lazarus: I’m just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he’s nervous.
Jeff Portnoy: I got an idea. This might be a little crazy.
Kirk Lazarus: Crazy’s better than nothing.
Jeff Portnoy: Back in ’98, I did a low-budget titty comedy for Skinemax. Sex Camp. Remember it?
Kevin Sandusky: Yeah.
Jeff Portnoy: Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp had to break into the rich girl camp. So, what we did, we built a catapult out of logs and underwear, and they shot us over the wall, and we parachuted down.
[the others all look at him and then just ignore him and continue talking]
Kevin Sandusky: Look, you guys, we already know the plan.
Jeff Portnoy: Are you fucking kidding me? I’m giving you gold.
Kevin Sandusky: We do it just like in the book, Chapter 26, “The Wet Offensive”.
Kirk Lazarus: The book of Tropic Thunder.
Kevin Sandusky: Yeah, did you guys read the book?
Jeff Portnoy: Uh, the flap, I read the back flap and saw the pictures.
Kevin Sandusky: Well, it’s okay. It’s exactly the same as in the script.
Kirk Lazarus: Cool.
Kevin Sandusky: You guys all read the script, right?
Kirk Lazarus: I don’t read the script, script reads me.
Kevin Sandusky: What the hell does that even mean?
Kirk Lazarus: What you getting at with the books, scripts? Spit that shit out, man!
[after Sandusky explain what “The Wet Offensive” plan is]
Alpa Chino: Yeah, but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah! And we trained actors, motherfucka. Time to man up. And I ain’t going to sugarcoat it. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like not on the same flight?
Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I’s already wearing Earth Mama’s natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!
Kirk Lazarus: Sorry.
[on the phone to the Flaming Dragon Bodyguard]
Les Grossman: Les Grossman.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: We not get money yet. Price now 100 million! You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack die!
Les Grossman: Great. Uh, let me get this down. 100 million, oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of 100 million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese? Then you kill him! Do your thing! Skin the fucking bastard! Go to town, man! Go to town!
Rick Peck: No…
Les Grossman: In the meantime, and as usual, go fuck yourself!
Rick Peck: No.
Les Grossman: We don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[after Grossman has refused to pay the ransom to free Speedman]
Rick Peck: They’re going to kill him!
Rob Slolom: And?
Rick Peck: “And?”
Les Grossman: It’s a cold, hard world. Shit happens. We’ll weep for him, in the press. Set up a scholarship in his name. Eventually, and I’m talking way, way down the road, we file an insurance claim.
Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose.
Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the third runner-up “Sexiest Man Alive” 1998, and you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS? Let’s face it. The kids aren’t dressing up as Scorcher for Purim anymore. Speedman is a dying star, a white dwarf heading for a black hole. That’s physics. It’s inevitable.
Rob Slolom: We’ve been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe is talking to us right now. You just got to listen.
[turns on Flo Rider’s “Low” and begins to dance to the beat]
Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun.
Rob Slolom: Yeah.
Les Grossman: Ask, and you shall receive.
Rob Slolom: Alright.
Les Grossman: You play ball, we play ball. I knoowww you want the goodies.
Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goody room!
Les Grossman: You paying attention? Because I’m talking G5 for the Pecker. That’s how you’re going to roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for my boy. Oh yeah! Playa. Playa! Big dick playa.
Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!
Les Grossman: Big dick, baby.
Rob Slolom: Yep.
[Grossman turns off the music]
Les Grossman: Or you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5?
Les Grossman: Yes.
[Peck pauses before replying]
Rick Peck: A G5 airplane?
Les Grossman: Yes, and lots of money, playaaaa!
[turns on the music and dances again]
Les Grossman: Yeah! Smack it up, flip it, rub it down! Wooow!
[watching Speedman reenact Simple Jack, with a really bad looking wig and false teeth, for a small group of chuckling guards]
Alpa Chino: Damn! I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: To the man’s credit, he’s actually eased up on the retard throttle. And now that’s added a balance, and the audience can connect. I mean, this is Theater one-o-one, but, you know, the guy, he’s had a tough road. He’ll become a naturalist.
[Alpa Chino has just smacked Lazarus in the face]
Kirk Lazarus: Can I tell you that I’m sorry for any offense I might’ve caused, man? I just got caught up in…
Alpa Chino: In being a dumbass?
Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.
Alpa Chino: Why you still doing this Chicken George shit, I have no idea.
Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I.
Alpa Chino: It’s beyond me.
Kirk Lazarus: It’s beyond me.
Alpa Chino: You confused.
Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.
Alpa Chino: I know.
[after a long pause]
Kirk Lazarus: But are we cool?
Alpa Chino: Not really.
Jeff Portnoy: I get down there near the mother lode, I am done. I’m jonesing bad, man. I’m going to fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world. If you guys want to make it through this thing, you got to strap me to a tree.
Kevin Sandusky: Oh, real, are you, are you serious?
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah, I’m serious. Literally, a tree. And you can, no matter what, you can’t fucking untie me until it is done, until it is out of my system. I’m going to say, “Hey, man, I’m cool. It’s cool. I’m finally better. I’m finally better. Untie me.” Don’t listen to me! Anything I fucking say is a lie!
Kevin Sandusky: You got it!
[Speedman continues his Simple Jack play]
Tugg Speedman: Goodbye, Mama! Now you can have ice cream in heaven. I’ll see you tonight, when I go to bed, in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain.
[starts doing a really bad fake cry, crowd of guards start applauding and then Speedman gets hit in the stomach by the guard on stage with him]
Kirk Lazarus: Dang. Short-bus is taking some real hits.
[a little boy hands Speedman a tin, he removes the cloth from the tin and looks inside]
Tugg Speedman: It’s a little twig man Oscar.
[to the little boy]
Tugg Speedman: I ‘m going to call you Half Squat. And you can call me, Papa.
[Portnoy is tied to a tree]
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, guys, I’m good. Ha-ha-ha! I made it through. You can untie me now.
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Radar? Evans?
Kevin Sandusky: No, it’s Kevin.
Jeff Portnoy: Kev, whatever the fuck. Come over here. I didn’t tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three is coming down the pike, and there’s a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you’re just going to have to tough it out.
Jeff Portnoy: Your mother’s a cankerous whore!
Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man. Remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I’m sorry, man. I did not mean that. She’s not.
Kirk Lazarus: How about you, man? You got some little minx waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow?
Kevin Sandusky: Me? Uh, I’ve barely even had a girlfriend, and I was really hoping I’d get laid when this movie came out, but that’s not going to happen.
Kirk Lazarus: What about you, Masterblaster? You got a certain someone you trying to get with back in the States?
Kevin Sandusky: What, Alpa Chino? He’s like 10 girls deep, 24/7.
Kirk Lazarus: Well? What’s the skinny? Y’all been on a date or what?
Alpa Chino: No. I mean, I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It’s complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: No! It’s simple as pie, man. You plant your feet in the ground, you look her square in the eyes, you say, “Hey, baby, you and me’s going on a date.” That’s the end of story. What’s her name?
Alpa Chino: Lance.
Kirk Lazarus: “Listen here, Lance…” Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you say “Lance”?
Alpa Chino: No!
Kevin Sandusky: That sounded like “Lance.”
Alpa Chino: No, I said “Nance.” That’s what I said, “Nance.”
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like “Lance.”
Alpa Chino: Look, I’m Alpa Chino, okay? I love the pussy! Alright? Lay your ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote “I Love That Pussy” was you thinking of dangling your dice on Lance’s forehead?
Alpa Chino: Oh, hell, no! What? Come, look!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, everyone’s gay once in a while.
Alpa Chino: I’m not gay!
Kirk Lazarus: This is Hollywood.
Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now.
Alpa Chino: I told you, for the last time, I love the pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I’ll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let’s do this.
[Portnoy is on the Ox covered with a sheet and Lazarus is walking the Ox dressed as a Vietnamese farmer]
Jeff Portnoy: Okay, so, what’s the plan? Are you going to talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No. No. Mandarin Chinese. Which, from what I can tell, is what they speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. Prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
[after breaking into the Flaming Dragon compound and going into the ammunition hut]
Alpa Chino: What are you guys doing here?
Cody: He has hands!
Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien!
Four Leaf Tayback: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis!
Alpa Chino: What’re you talking about? Damien stepped on an old landmine.
Cody: Oh, sweet. Thank God!
Tran: Where is your farm…
[points his gun at Lazarus]
Kirk Lazarus: My farm?
Alpa Chino: Oh, shit!
Kirk Lazarus: Here’s my motherfucking farm!
[pulls out his rifle and starts firing]
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah! Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby! Kwan-Lo! I’m a lead farmer, motherfucka!
[Portnoy takes Tran and holds a gun to his head]
Jeff Portnoy: Nobody move or I do the little big guy!
Kirk Lazarus: That’s right, we running this program now, J.P.
Jeff Portnoy: Now show me where the drugs are.
Kirk Lazarus: What the fuck? That ain’t the plan!
[Portnoy runs away with Tran in his arms]
Jeff Portnoy: Don’t judge meeee!
Kevin Sandusky: He’s got a real serious problem.
[to the Flaming Dragon guards]
Alpa Chino: Get down. Get down! Get down! Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down! If I see one more head pop up, it’s going to be bullet Whac-A-Mole.
[Cody throws Tayback some ammunition]
Four Leaf Tayback: What’s this?
Cody: I don’t know what it’s called. I just know the sound it makes when it lies!
[Lazarus finds Speedman in one of the Flaming Dragon huts]
Kirk Lazarus: Gotcha. Roll your shit up, man. We going home.
Tugg Speedman: Home? But I’m doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd. Don’t you get it? I already am home.
Kirk Lazarus: Uh-oh. Alright, now, dude, you got to get it. Togeth…
[tries to grab hold of Speedman]
Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.
[Speedman hold up the twig man]
Kirk Lazarus: That’s your stick buddy?
Tugg Speedman: His name is Twigman.
Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?
[to the guards]
Alpa Chino: Maybe y’all heard of me. Y’all heard of Alpa Chino? No? I love that pussy, hell, yeah, hell, yeah.
[Cody watches Alpa from the ammunition hut]
Cody: They’re not your demo, dude.
Alpa Chino: Come on. Six motherfucking VMA’s, baby. Two BET Awards. Alpa Chino.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: Like him in Carlito Way?
Alpa Chino: Hey, yo, you know what? Speak English. I don’t speak that stuff. What’re you saying? Huh?
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: Devil Advocate. Dog Day Afternoon.
Cody: Cruising. Sea of Love.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: Real Al Pacino.
Alpa Chino: Get the fuck down. That’s a whole different dude altogether.
Four Leaf Tayback: What’re you doing?
Cody: I’m going to give these boys a Hanoi high-five.
[Cody throws a bomb in to the middle of the Flaming Dragon compound; to Tayback]
Cody: Shadow me, Pinocchio!
[Portnoy has found the Heroin room in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Jeff Portnoy: It doesn’t matter what I do. I’ll always be a screw-up. No one’ll ever respect me.
Kevin Sandusky: That is not true, you are not a screw-up! You make so many people laugh.
Jeff Portnoy: They only laugh at my farts.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, we really need to go now!
Jeff Portnoy: This is all I deserve!
[grabs two fist full of heroin powder, then two guards burst in to the room and Portnoy starts to fart making the guards laugh]
Jeff Portnoy: Laugh at that, you bastards! Ha-ha-ha! Oh hilarious! Hilarious!
[Portnoy shoves the heroin in his hands into the guards’ faces and the guards drop to the ground; to Sandusky]
Jeff Portnoy: Let’s move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!
[referring to Speedman who’s gone crazy]
Kirk Lazarus: He’s on tilt status. Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in “Moonshot”. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
Jeff Portnoy: What are you talking about?
Kevin Sandusky: Come on, fellas, we really need to go.
Kirk Lazarus: Dag, gomit, Blamtucky, I ain’t re-programming a VCR!
Kirk Lazarus: You’re going to focus up now, motherfucker, and say it. “It’s me, Tugg!”
Tugg Speedman: It’s me, Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus: That’s right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don’t know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am! I’m a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don’t know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is…
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: …by playing other dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
Jeff Portnoy: What’s going on?
Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging.
Kirk Lazarus: He’s right, you know. I am not Sergeant Lincoln Osiris…
[rips off his wig to reveal his blond hair]
Alpa Chino: We got to roll out.
Kirk Lazarus: Nor am I Father O’Malley. Or Neil Armstrong.
[he removes the beard and the contact lenses to reveal his blue eyes and speaks in his natural Australian accent]
Kirk Lazarus: I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!
Kevin Sandusky: Tugg, Tugger, you’re the last piece of the puzzle, buddy. We need you! Your men need you! Are you with us?
[there’s a pause before Speedman replies]
Tugg Speedman: I’m a rooster illusion.
Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We’ll deal with him later.
[rigging a bridge with explosives]
Cody: Oh, God! Just say no to this, you drug-making midget!
[Portnoy is holding on to back of a moving truck when he notices Tayback]
Jeff Portnoy: Four Leaf!
[Tayback jumps onto the truck holding on with his hands]
Jeff Portnoy: You grew hands?
[whilst rigging an explosive]
Cody: Oh, my God! I am moving to catering after this!
[shouting to Speedman]
Alpa Chino: We got to get his cracker ass to the chopper! Are you still crazy? We got to get Candisky to the chopper!
Tugg Speedman: It’s Sandusky. Kevin Sandusky.
Kevin Sandusky: My name. You remembered my name.
Kirk Lazarus: You’re not doing tofu dinner theater for these motherfuckers. Let’s roll!
Jeff Portnoy: Get over here!
Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?
Tugg Speedman: He’s my son. He’s my boy! He needs me. I have to go back to him.
[he embraces Lazarus]
Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?
Tugg Speedman: I don’t know, but you need to tell them.
Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We’re going to fucking die!
Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let’s go!
Kirk Lazarus: You’ve got hands?
Four Leaf Tayback: Yeah
Kirk Lazarus: Fuck! You’ve got hands?
[Speedman is running back on the bridge with Half Squat on his shoulders trying to stab him with a knife]
Tugg Speedman: I was wrong! Blow the bridge! Blow the fucking bridge!
[after the bridge explosion we see Speedman through the smoke with his arms out, Christ like then falling face down in the mud]
Kirk Lazarus: Think he’s done. Cover me!
[the others are yelling at him to come back into the helicopter]
Kevin Sandusky: How do we cover him?4
[gets to Speedman whose lying in the mud]
Kirk Lazarus: You alright, man?
Tugg Speedman: I’m cold. I can’t feel my legs.
Kirk Lazarus: No, no, they’re in a puddle, mate. See? There’s a puddle right there.
Tugg Speedman: Hey! I want you to know something.
Kirk Lazarus: What?
Tugg Speedman: I know who you are. You’re my friend. You’re my brother. But like a really cool brother, you know? Like a brother where there was no animosity or…
Kirk Lazarus: Don’t look now, you got some real tears going.
Tugg Speedman: Really?
Kirk Lazarus: That’s the stuff that accolades are made of.
[Tran and his guards are getting ready to shoot a grenade at the helicopter when Peck appears through the jungle]
Rick Peck: Tuggernuts! I got it! Tugger!
Tugg Speedman: Rick!
Kevin Sandusky: What the fuck?
Rick Peck: I got the TiVo!
[holds the Tivo up and starts running towards the helicopter]
Rick Peck: My friend wants a TiVo, my friend gets a TiVo!
[at the Oscar Ceremony]
Kirk Lazarus: And the Oscar goes to… Yes! Tugg Speedman. “Tropic Blunder: The True Story Behind the Making of the Most Expensive Fake True War Story Ever.”
Rob Slolom: Eight Oscars, four hundred million dollars and you saved Tugg Speedman’s career.
Les Grossman: Hmmmm, I couldn’t have done it without you, Slolom.
Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead, of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job.
Rob Slolom: Well, I…
Les Grossman: Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Rob Slolom: I would never do that to…
Les Grossman: Uh, joking.
Rob Slolom: Yeah?
Les Grossman: Yeah.
Rob Slolom: Very, okay. There he is. There he is. Okay.
Les Grossman: Go have fun.
Rob Slolom: Alright.
Les Grossman: Go have fun.
Rob Slolom: We’re having a… Fuck, okay. Thank you, Les. Thank you. You have a good night.
Les Grossman: But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Rob Slolom: Good. Thank you, sir.
Total Quotes: 147