Violent Night (2022) Best Movie Quotes

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Starring: David Harbour, John Leguizamo, Beverly D’Angelo, Cam Gigandet, Alex Hassell, Alexis Louder, Edi Patterson

OUR RATING: ★★★½

Story:

Christmas fantasy action comedy directed by Tommy Wirkola. Violent Night (2022) follows a team of mercenaries who break into a wealthy family compound on Christmas Eve, taking everyone hostage inside. However, the team isn’t prepared for a surprise combatant, Santa Claus (David Harbour), who is on the grounds, and he’s about to show why this Nick is no saint.

Our Favorite Quotes:

'Grown-ups have a hard time believing things.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet

Best Quotes

Bartender: Another one?
Santa: I’m still vertical, so I’d like to change that.

UK Mall Santa: You just get off?
Santa: I’m taking a break. Between shifts, I guess you could say.
Bartender: You ain’t driving, are you?
Santa: I steer a little, but the reindeer do most of the work.

UK Mall Santa: This is my fourth year as a Santa. How about you?
Santa: Lost count. I forget why I started doing it in the first place.
UK Mall Santa: Same reason anybody does anything. The money.
Santa: Money. Money. This whole planet runs on greed.

UK Mall Santa: It’s the look on the kiddies faces, ain’t it? That’s what does it for me.
Santa: That look. Yeah, that look. Lasts about two seconds. As soon as they’re finished unwrapping, they want the next present, they want the next cool thing. That’s how this world works. And kids, what kids have become. They’re just like little junkies. They’re little s**ts. They just demand. They don’t believe. They just want, crave, consume. Maybe this is my last year. The last Christmas.

Linda: I’ll never get over the fact that you grew up like this.
Jason: My therapist says I’ll never get over it either.

Jason: What would a Lightstone family Christmas be without groveling and infighting?

Linda: [to Trudy] Excited to see your grandma?
Gertrude: [enters the room talking on her phone] Listen, you c**ks**ker. It’s Christmas. So why don’t you take your best offer, gift wrap it, and ram it up your f***ing box.

Gertrude: Don’t s**t in my mouth and tell me it’s chocolate cake.

'Remember when you just had to drill holes and blow s**t up? I don't know, maybe I'm getting old, but there was something romantic about that.' - Scrooge (Violent Night) Click To Tweet

Jason: I just decided to let you guys have all the fun sucking up to Mom today.
Alva: Please. You are King Suck-up. You named your kid Gertrude.
Linda: Alva, you named your son Bertrude.
Alva: Okay.
Linda: Sorry, Bert, but that’s not a real name.
Alva: Sorry, Linda. We can’t all be lucky enough to have daughters.
Bert: Mom, I can hear you.

Trudy: This house has so many chimneys. How will Santa know which one to come down?
Linda: Oh, Santa just knows. Christmas magic.

Trudy: [talking into he walkie-talkie] So, I wanted to tell you, Santa, I was extra good this year, so I wrote a big list for you with all the stuff I wanted. But then I realized I don’t need any of that. I really only want one present for Christmas. I want Mommy and Daddy to make up so we can be a family again.

Santa: [to the reindeer, as he steps in some poop] Which one of you did that? You can’t go two seconds without crapping on the roof like a bunch of pigeons? So unprofessional. You know, Rudolph will never do this crap.

Gingerbread: Christmas is alright, but you Americans don’t celebrate my favorite holiday.
Eggnog Security Guard: Oh, yeah? What?
Gingerbread: [as he’s about to punch the guard] Boxing Day.

'That's what I love about sociopaths. Always up for trying new things.' - Scrooge (Violent Night) Click To Tweet

Bert: Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks d**k. Dammit!
Gertrude: [to Alva] When he was small, I begged you to beat him.

Scrooge: Merry Christmas. Or should I say “happy holidays” now? Right? I mean, it’s like, people, make up your minds. You know what I’m saying?

Scrooge: Alright, revelers. Time to steal Christmas.

Gingerbread: Go for Frosty. Go for Tinsel. Go for Gingerbread. Are we going to use these stupid code names all night?
Scrooge: ‘Tis the season.

'Grown-up relationships are complicated. It takes work. A lot of work.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet

Scrooge: Welcome to your worst Christmas ever.

Lead Bodyguard: Who the hell are you?
Scrooge: You can call me Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Bah humbug, m**herf***er.

Santa: Look, mister, I don’t want to get involved. I just have a job to do. Okay? That’s it. I’m just going to take me bag, and I’m just going to scooch up that chimney.
Tinsel: [uses his gun to hit Santa in the stomach] Enough talk. Let’s go!
Santa: You don’t want to do this.
Tinsel: [as he hits Santa in the face] What? This? Now move! Are you deaf? F***ing move!
[Santa knocks out Tinsel]

Santa: Damn chickens**t reindeer leave me here to die.

'Sometimes, even if you want to make somebody happy, the magic just goes away.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet

Morgan Steel: [as they’re being held hostage] So much like a scene from my movie Dark Ransom.
Alva: Oh, my God.
Morgan Steel: If they didn’t have guns, I could take out three, maybe four of them.
Alva: Try all of them.

Scrooge: Man, this family. This moneygrubbing family. Clinging desperately to your wealth, when your poor employees don’t even have enough coal to keep Tiny Tim warm.
Gertrude: What is it with you and all this Christmas s**t?

Santa: [as he’s going through his present sack] Didn’t anybody ask for a bat, or a sword, or Molotov cocktails?

Santa: [pulling out a present from his sack] Die Hard on Blu-ray. F***!

'Santa's going to eat through these guys like a plate full of cookies.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet

Santa: I don’t want to kill you. Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard. Eh?
Frosty: Santa, I’m going to rip your f***ing balls off.

Trudy: [over radio] Santa?
Santa: Yeah, this is Santa.
Trudy: I hope I’m not bothering you. Daddy said you were very busy tonight.
Santa: I’m on a break. Who am I speaking to?
Trudy: My name is Trudy Lightstone. And I’ve been very good this year.
Santa: Trudy Lightstone. Yeah, Trudy. You’re on my nice list. You’ve been a very good girl this year.

Trudy: [over radio] Are you going to help us, Santa?
Santa: Yeah. Of course I’m going to help you. I’m going to get you out of there. Take all these bad guys on my naughty list. I’m going to take a lump of coal, each and every one of them, and shove it straight up…
Trudy: The a**.
Santa: Well, I mean, come on, sweetie. We want to keep it on the nice list, you know.
Trudy: Sorry. Can I say “butt-hole” then?
Santa: I mean, it’s borderline.
Trudy: How about “a**s”?

See more Violent Night Quotes

Scrooge: Alright, you’re telling me there’s a goddamn Santa Claus running around here? Okay, well, he looks jolly as f***, but who the hell is he?

Scrooge: [over radio] Oh. Is this our Santy? Is this our Santy Claus?
Santa: Yeah, it is. To whom am I speaking?
Scrooge: Well, for tonight, I’m Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: [over radio] What is it that you want exactly, Santa?
Santa: I want you to put down your weapons, I want you to let this family go, and then I want to find my reindeer, and I want to continue delivering my presents.
Scrooge: Are you f***ing with me?

Scrooge: [over radio] Alright, who the hell are you really, huh? Some security guard who’s watched too many action flicks? Some loser ex-cop stuck in a mall playing dress-up with fat kids pi**ing on your lap? Stop me when I get it right.
Santa: It’s a little more complicated than that.
Scrooge: Not to me, it’s not. Because I want to make it my personal mission, my holiday to-do list, to find you, and to end you, and to wipe my a** with you, and this whole f***ing holiday. That’s what I want for Christmas, Santa.
Santa: That is a terrible thing to want for Christmas. But maybe you and I should discuss that in person. Santa Claus is coming to town.

Linda: She’s playing make-believe. She’s pretending to talk to Santa.
Trudy: [to Scrooge] It’s not pretend. Santa’s my friend, and he said he’s going to save us. And beat you up.

Jason: [to Trudy, referring to Santa] He’s not coming to save us. He doesn’t exist. It’s all made-up.
Morgan Steel: Really?
Scrooge: Aw. What a way to find out that there’s no Santa. Hey, let’s come back Easter and ruin the Easter Bunny for her too, huh?

Trudy: [over radio] I can set up booby traps, like in Home Alone.
Santa: Okay, I don’t know what that means. But, yeah, do that. Just do it quietly.

Trudy: [over radio] My daddy says there isn’t any Santa. He says parents just tell their kids that Santa’s real to make them feel better. He said they give us presents and say they’re from Santa.
Santa: Yeah. Yeah, a lot of parents say that. But I still bring presents to kids that need me. Kids who really believe.
Trudy: How do you know who really needs you?
Santa: Christmas magic. I’m not really sure how it works.

Trudy: [over radio] I knew you were real, Santa.
Santa: Don’t be too hard on your parents, alright? Grown-ups have a hard time believing things.

Trudy: [over radio, referring to her parents] Can you use your Christmas magic to make them love each other again?
Santa: I wish I had that kind of power. Mrs. Claus and I have been going on year eleven hundred, and grown-up relationships are complicated. It takes work. A lot of work.
Trudy: Do you still love her?
Santa: Yeah, I do. And sometimes, even if you want to make somebody happy, the magic just goes away.

Alva: [referring to her present] Mother, I got you something really special. It’s a sentimental photo of the day I was born.
Gertrude: I remember. I was there.
Krampus: She doesn’t give a s**t. Swing and miss again!

Santa: I wasn’t always Santa Claus. I had a life before this. A long, long, long time ago. They used to call me Nicomund. Nicomund the Red.

Trudy: [over radio] Why did you do those things?
Santa: Because I was mean. And I was greedy. And I wanted gold, jewels. Yeah, I mean, if there was a naughty list back then, I’d be top dog.

Trudy: [to Santa, over radio] Maybe all those bad things you used to do, maybe you can use them to do good things instead. To help.

Trudy: [over radio] You’re good and kind. And you mean more than just the presents you bring. That’s why I believe in you, Santa. That’s why I believe.

Commander Thorp: You all know the plan, and I like my operations like I like to f***. Hard and fast with minimal cleanup. Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do?
Killer Squad: F*** their s**t up right!
Commander Thorp: Damn right. Time to lube up.

Scrooge: [referring to Santa] Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of s**t get the drop on us?

Scrooge: Who are you?
Santa: Weihnachtsmann. Julenissen. Shèngdàn Laorén. Babbo Natale. Père Noel. Kris Kringle. Jolly old Saint Nick. People call me a lot of things.
Scrooge: Very funny. Or should I say, “Ho, ho, ho?”

Scrooge: Now, I know you’re an idiot, but don’t be an idiot out loud.

Scrooge: Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bulls**t.

Scrooge: You see, Christmas ruined my life. Okay? But you know what? It set me on the path and made me the great man that I am today.

Santa: I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. I don’t get involved in people’s lives.
Scrooge: Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you f***ing should!

Santa: I’m Santa Claus!
Scrooge: Well, not anymore.

Scrooge: Oh, you see one weird thing, and then you think you’re in a fairy tale?

Bert: Oh, you’re fizzity-f***ed now. Huh? What are you going to do? You little elf b**ch.
Krampus: [as he punches Bert in the face] Hashtag, “blessed”.

Alva: Morgan’s going to save us.
Gertrude: Jean-Claude Van Dips**t just ditched us, sweetie.

Commander Thorp: Time to kill Santa.

Santa: The naughty list just grows and grows.

Trudy: [over radio] If you could have anything in this world, what would it be?
Santa: I wish I could see Mrs. Claus again, tell her how much I love her.
Trudy: Then you make that wish come true.

Trudy: [over radio] You said these guys, they’re naughty. And what do you do to the naughty ones?
Santa: I give them a lump of coal.
Trudy: Yeah. Give them their lumps. Take that coal and shove it straight up their…
Santa: A***es.
Trudy: Yeah!

Santa: Santa’s going to eat through these guys like a plate full of cookies.

Scrooge: Where’s the money? Or I will shoot every last one of you and enjoy it.
Gertrude: It’s in the vault.
Santa: I just looked in the vault. Had the money been in there, I’d have a different expression on my face.

Mercenary: Jesus Christ.
Santa: Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick.

Linda: For years, I have been telling you to stop caring about your mother’s f***ing money! And you think the solution was to steal a bunch of it.
Jason: Well, yeah, it does sound stupid when you say it like that.

Gingerbread: You know, booby traps don’t work unless you hide them. You little moron.

Santa: You were about to murder an innocent child.
Candy Cane: Innocent?
Santa: It’s naughty. Naughty. Naughty!

Scrooge: The three wise men presented him with gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and cold hard cash.

Krampus: Just like rats in a barrel. Why don’t you die with some dignity?

Linda: [after they beat up Krampus] Well, it’s nice to do something as a family for a change.

Alva: [as she kills Krampus] That was for Morgan. He may have been stupid, but he was very, very hot.

Trudy: This is my friend, Santa.
Alva: What the f***?
Linda: I can’t thank you enough, Mister…
Santa: Claus. But please call me Santa.

Scrooge: You’re real? You’re him. You’re you.
Santa: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
Scrooge: The real goddamn Santa Claus.
Santa: This is not your night, pal.
Scrooge: Oh, I don’t know. I think you’re wrong. I think my whole s**tty life’s built up to this moment. Because when I kill you, this whole goddamn holiday finally ends. Whatever it takes, Christmas dies tonight.

Scrooge: [as they’re fighting] The last Christmas.
Santa: Not if you still believe.
Scrooge: [Santa uses his magic to drag him up the chimney, killing him] No!

Jason: [after Santa’s shot by Thorpe] You saved my daughter.
Santa: No. She saved me.

Trudy: You can’t die, Santa. You have to get up.
Santa: I think I used up all my Christmas magic. Sorry. I’m sorry I can’t give you what you asked for.

Trudy: He’s Santa. The real Santa. He is. And I still believe in him. I’ll always believe in you, Santa.
Linda: I believe in him too. He saved Trudy. He saved our family. What’s realer than that?

Jason: You were dead.
Santa: Christmas magic. I still don’t really understand how it works.

Jason: I don’t know how we can ever repay you.
Santa: Well, you brought me back from the dead, so we’ll call it even.
Alva: Even? We just burned half a million dollars.

Santa: Now you show up, huh? You leave me here to die, come back after all the work’s done, huh? You know what? I should make you guys into a stew, and feed you to the elves! Yes, Blitzen! Yes, I’m talking to you! You too, Prancer.

Santa: Thank you.
Trudy: For what?
Santa: For believing in me. For reminding me that Christmas still matters. And that I still matter. You gave me my “ho, ho, ho” back.

Santa: Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! Come on, you beautiful b****rds! We’ve got some work to do! Hyah! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Bert: [mid-credits lines] It’s the Bert Locker, living the dream. You know what? See this guy? Dead as hell. Santa’s real, alright? Don’t end up on the naughty list. Do better. Bert Lightstone out.

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