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Starring: David Harbour, John Leguizamo, Beverly D’Angelo, Cam Gigandet, Alex Hassell, Alexis Louder, Edi Patterson
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Christmas fantasy action comedy directed by Tommy Wirkola. Violent Night (2022) follows a team of mercenaries who break into a wealthy family compound on Christmas Eve, taking everyone hostage inside. However, the team isn’t prepared for a surprise combatant, Santa Claus (David Harbour), who is on the grounds, and he’s about to show why this Nick is no saint.
Our Favorite Quotes:'Grown-ups have a hard time believing things.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet
Bartender: Another one?
Santa: I’m still vertical, so I’d like to change that.
UK Mall Santa: You just get off?
Santa: I’m taking a break. Between shifts, I guess you could say.
Bartender: You ain’t driving, are you?
Santa: I steer a little, but the reindeer do most of the work.
UK Mall Santa: This is my fourth year as a Santa. How about you?
Santa: Lost count. I forget why I started doing it in the first place.
UK Mall Santa: Same reason anybody does anything. The money.
Santa: Money. Money. This whole planet runs on greed.
UK Mall Santa: It’s the look on the kiddies faces, ain’t it? That’s what does it for me.
Santa: That look. Yeah, that look. Lasts about two seconds. As soon as they’re finished unwrapping, they want the next present, they want the next cool thing. That’s how this world works. And kids, what kids have become. They’re just like little junkies. They’re little s**ts. They just demand. They don’t believe. They just want, crave, consume. Maybe this is my last year. The last Christmas.
Linda: I’ll never get over the fact that you grew up like this.
Jason: My therapist says I’ll never get over it either.
Jason: What would a Lightstone family Christmas be without groveling and infighting?
Linda: [to Trudy] Excited to see your grandma?
Gertrude: [enters the room talking on her phone] Listen, you c**ks**ker. It’s Christmas. So why don’t you take your best offer, gift wrap it, and ram it up your f***ing box.
Gertrude: Don’t s**t in my mouth and tell me it’s chocolate cake.
'Remember when you just had to drill holes and blow s**t up? I don't know, maybe I'm getting old, but there was something romantic about that.' - Scrooge (Violent Night) Click To Tweet
Jason: I just decided to let you guys have all the fun sucking up to Mom today.
Alva: Please. You are King Suck-up. You named your kid Gertrude.
Linda: Alva, you named your son Bertrude.
Linda: Sorry, Bert, but that’s not a real name.
Alva: Sorry, Linda. We can’t all be lucky enough to have daughters.
Bert: Mom, I can hear you.
Trudy: This house has so many chimneys. How will Santa know which one to come down?
Linda: Oh, Santa just knows. Christmas magic.
Trudy: [talking into he walkie-talkie] So, I wanted to tell you, Santa, I was extra good this year, so I wrote a big list for you with all the stuff I wanted. But then I realized I don’t need any of that. I really only want one present for Christmas. I want Mommy and Daddy to make up so we can be a family again.
Santa: [to the reindeer, as he steps in some poop] Which one of you did that? You can’t go two seconds without crapping on the roof like a bunch of pigeons? So unprofessional. You know, Rudolph will never do this crap.
Gingerbread: Christmas is alright, but you Americans don’t celebrate my favorite holiday.
Eggnog Security Guard: Oh, yeah? What?
Gingerbread: [as he’s about to punch the guard] Boxing Day.
'That's what I love about sociopaths. Always up for trying new things.' - Scrooge (Violent Night) Click To Tweet
Bert: Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks d**k. Dammit!
Gertrude: [to Alva] When he was small, I begged you to beat him.
Scrooge: Merry Christmas. Or should I say “happy holidays” now? Right? I mean, it’s like, people, make up your minds. You know what I’m saying?
Scrooge: Alright, revelers. Time to steal Christmas.
Gingerbread: Go for Frosty. Go for Tinsel. Go for Gingerbread. Are we going to use these stupid code names all night?
Scrooge: ‘Tis the season.
'Grown-up relationships are complicated. It takes work. A lot of work.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet
Scrooge: Welcome to your worst Christmas ever.
Lead Bodyguard: Who the hell are you?
Scrooge: You can call me Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: Bah humbug, m**herf***er.
Santa: Look, mister, I don’t want to get involved. I just have a job to do. Okay? That’s it. I’m just going to take me bag, and I’m just going to scooch up that chimney.
Tinsel: [uses his gun to hit Santa in the stomach] Enough talk. Let’s go!
Santa: You don’t want to do this.
Tinsel: [as he hits Santa in the face] What? This? Now move! Are you deaf? F***ing move!
[Santa knocks out Tinsel]
Santa: Damn chickens**t reindeer leave me here to die.
'Sometimes, even if you want to make somebody happy, the magic just goes away.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet
Morgan Steel: [as they’re being held hostage] So much like a scene from my movie Dark Ransom.
Alva: Oh, my God.
Morgan Steel: If they didn’t have guns, I could take out three, maybe four of them.
Alva: Try all of them.
Scrooge: Man, this family. This moneygrubbing family. Clinging desperately to your wealth, when your poor employees don’t even have enough coal to keep Tiny Tim warm.
Gertrude: What is it with you and all this Christmas s**t?
Santa: [as he’s going through his present sack] Didn’t anybody ask for a bat, or a sword, or Molotov cocktails?
Santa: [pulling out a present from his sack] Die Hard on Blu-ray. F***!
'Santa's going to eat through these guys like a plate full of cookies.' - Santa (Violent Night) Click To Tweet
Santa: I don’t want to kill you. Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard. Eh?
Frosty: Santa, I’m going to rip your f***ing balls off.
Trudy: [over radio] Santa?
Santa: Yeah, this is Santa.
Trudy: I hope I’m not bothering you. Daddy said you were very busy tonight.
Santa: I’m on a break. Who am I speaking to?
Trudy: My name is Trudy Lightstone. And I’ve been very good this year.
Santa: Trudy Lightstone. Yeah, Trudy. You’re on my nice list. You’ve been a very good girl this year.
Trudy: [over radio] Are you going to help us, Santa?
Santa: Yeah. Of course I’m going to help you. I’m going to get you out of there. Take all these bad guys on my naughty list. I’m going to take a lump of coal, each and every one of them, and shove it straight up…
Trudy: The a**.
Santa: Well, I mean, come on, sweetie. We want to keep it on the nice list, you know.
Trudy: Sorry. Can I say “butt-hole” then?
Santa: I mean, it’s borderline.
Trudy: How about “a**s”?